Life Uncut - WE WERE ON A BREAK! Is it a soft fade or can you salvage it?

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

In the words of Ross and Rachel, WE WERE ON A BREAK!Lifers, there’s going to come a time in most of our lives where we feel unsettled, uncomfortable, suffocated, anxious and maybe just a little confused in our relationship. Maybe you just need to figure some shit out on your own for a hot second, maybe it’s trying to forgive an infidelity, deciding if you want kids or maybe it’s more lifestyle based like wanting to focus on a career change! Either way you need to figure it out alone. But here’s the thing, you still love your partner and don’t want it to end! It’s tricky territory... but sounds like you guys need a break!!We tend to shudder when we hear the words ‘break’ but it’s not necessarily the worst thing and definitely isn’t the end of the world like we are made to believe! There are some things you can do to make it go more smoothly though and to bring you back bigger, better, stronger and more in love than ever. And we’re going to tell you. Thanks to todays sponsor @bumble_australia we are also bringing you some great conversation starters and opening lines... Britt and Laura both share their (slightly weird) opener and we want to know who’s you think is better (let’s be real, it’s ‘the best of a bad bunch’ kinda vibe)If you want to take Bumbles quick online quiz to see your dating style you can do so here https://thebeehive.bumble.com/conversation-starters-generator/If you listen every week but haven’t actually hit that subscribe button yet or left a review... WHERE YOU AT!? Haha but seriously. As an independent podcast this is the stuff that really helps us grow and keeps us in your ears each week. So what are you waiting for! Have a great week guys and share the love, because, well, we love love! XSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany and no you can't make me move. Okay so I'm just trying to encourage Britt to sit in a different position today because every episode she complains about how she has a sore back because she has to talk. Hunched over from my bed. Like the hunchback of Notre Dame. She's currently sitting on my bed guys and I get to sit on a chair at a desk and I was like come sit with me at the desk I can put a chair here and then she she was like no no no I can't do that because then I won't vibe. I need to I need to have the same setup every week to vibe okay so every single week for 18 months Laura and I have sat in the same place

opposite each other we're always looking at the same angles we know our surroundings we know what's around us and this is just where I get my energy and she's trying to switch up my feng shui and I'm not here for it I just can't do it right now look I would hate to throw you into some sort of turmoil and then totally put the podcast out so I'm not going to do it to you it's okay you sit there you get a bad back the sacrifices you make for this podcast are extreme I think uh once we hit five million we can renovate the studio again and I can get a chair can we afford a chair only you guys I know that sometimes we share it from time to time on Instagram and whatnot but like if only you realized how ridiculous our setup is I'm sure that sometimes you listen to this and

you're like oh like they sound professional they've had four million downloads like this is great if only you knew that everything's on file that's the other reason a lot of people ask us oh why can't you guys record and make visuals why can't we see the episodes recorded i'm like lol kano i am waiting through laura's underwear on her bed to get to my spot that's not a chair it's the edge of the bed you do not want to see this you are lucky matt actually put away a massive pile of clean and dirty i mean who knows i think he just put them back in his cupboard but there was a mixed pile of shit on the bed before you came over today and i was like could you just like maybe try and sort that before brick comes so she doesn't have to sit in a mound of your clothing

But Laura, what have you done this week? We've been apart for a few days. It was a long few days. I have done nothing exciting, but I did something stupid happen to me, which I can tell you about. I love that. So, okay. And I'm sure that there's going to be many other people out there who have experienced

this at one point or another. So I went to the toilet the other day. Yeah, I think a lot of people experienced that, correct? Is that the end of the story? Let's just get straight into the poo chat. So went to the toilet, had to stand up to get the toilet paper, which was on the other side of the sink so like why would you put the toilet paper across the room it wasn't it wasn't an intentional decision the toilet paper had just been moved from being where it goes because I mean

we have a one-year-old child she comes in she pulls the toilet paper it ends up down the hallway anyway at some point someone has picked it up and put it on the sink so I stand up and my phone fell out of my pocket and went straight into my poo you were not expecting it to go there were you i knew that this was gonna go to a phone in the toilet story but i thought you were just gonna do a wee it went in the poo it went into the poo okay hang on there's a critical question here what was the poop consistency was it like a mr whippy or was it solid because that's that makes a big difference i'm very pregnant it was very solid it didn't put much of a dent into it and also guys highly recommend the new iphone very effective water resistant poop resistant

i just took it out put some glenn 20 on it and away we went did you would you proper wash it yes glenn 20 i'm not even joking it's been it's been well disinfected don't literally ever pass me a phone again i will never touch that do you think that we've ever gotten into poo stories three minutes into an episode before i actually think that's a record you're welcome well i wish actually no I don't wish I don't wish I had a poo story like you I was a little bit less eventful but I did go down south for a few days I went down to Adelaide I went to Kangaroo Island and I just had like a really wholesome couple of days I was like swimming with dolphins and I was I was visiting while the wildlife center with like all the fire victims all the little kangaroos and the

koalas and it was really really sad to see but it was a really beautiful experience and I actually highly recommend everyone goes and visits that place. Visits Kangaroo Island, visits the South Coast. It was just a part of the world I didn't really know about. Like apart from that, my week's been just really wholesome. Well, I want to know who you've got on the boil at the moment because Britt made a passing comment the other day. She's like, well, I am texting this one guy. It was actually about 20 minutes ago. No, it was the other day and then you said it again 20 minutes ago. So I'm like, oh, he's still on the boil. Yeah, I actually haven't. I had a little bit of a break from dating didn't I I got over it a little bit to be honest and I wasn't really out there swiping

as much I had a couple of weeks off but I've got someone on the go now you'll love this I took your advice and what you didn't sleep with him on the first date excuse me you've slept with heaps of people on the first day this is true and it's never worked out for me guys like I said learn from my mistakes no I took Laura's advice I've never been a person online dating I've never been the person that before you meet them has the conversation about what you want so a lot of people do that and you've said before you're like I used to always say to them what do you want what are you looking for is in like a hookup or you know long-term dating or open to a relationship you always ask that and I have a lot of other friends that ask that too I never asked them

before I met them but that was always like first date chat only if I met them online dating so if I met them online dating you know when I actually got out to the restaurant or got out to the bar or wherever it was I was meeting them when we'd sit down and if I was vibing them we're having great time like I would say like what is it that you're looking for I mean we obviously are here because we want a date like we're not here to be pen pals yeah but like are you after a girlfriend are you after just a fuck buddy like I like to define things pretty early on because it also meant that I wasn't wasting my time on guys who were like yeah I don't I'm not into anything serious you see I that makes me awkward listening to that because for me when you're like yeah we're

out at the restaurant first date having a great time we're vibing so I put it on him like like that is the last thing I would do is when you're having a good time on a date be like okay babes tell me what you want I just can't do it but I did put it out there over text last night he said something okay first of all you guys know I love a foreigner he's foreign he said something that was could have been a bit ambiguous and it could have been because he's foreign or it could have been because he was wanting a hookup and I had a few drinks last night I was a few drinks deep and I just called him on it I was like maybe a bit aggressive actually I was like look you know what I'm just in complete transparency I just think we're after different things he was like

whoa what he's like where did that come from and I felt like we're having like I felt like we're having a conversation that you have six months into a relationship and I was like I just want to be honest in this relationship and he's like what Brittany what are you talking about and I was like you obviously want to hook up I can tell and I just want you to know I'm this is me drunk texting I just want you to know I'm not here for that I mean after something more serious I I want to be respected from perspective I'm looking for a boyfriend just put it in your bio don't at me okay anyway he basically came back and he's like I really think you're overreacting I'm sorry if you misinterpreted what I said it absolutely he said I was just looking forward to seeing you and

meeting you not taking you home or doing anything else I still want to meet you um and I really hope you don't think I'm just after a hookup. And I was like, okay, sorry. I mean, I woke up this morning and I was like, I may have overreacted last night. Okay. When I say like define the relationship, I don't mean like yell at the guy. If the guy says something suggestive, I mean like if you're on a first date and things are going well and you're like, oh, I could really see myself like seeing this guy again. I don't mean say to them, what are you looking for with me? I'm not hold the guy up against a wall and get an answer out of him. I'm like, ask him generally, what is he looking for is he looking for someone to have fun with is he looking because he wants

to be in a relationship not necessarily with you but just like if he's open to the idea of a relationship and then i think that that opens up a really nice conversation i don't think you have to hold the guy by the ball but i also think that if you do that if you're on the spot on the date vibing having a good time and you say to him what are you after there is no way he's gonna say i'm here to fuck you yes no he would say i'm no he's gonna want to sleep with you but what he would say is i mean i'm open to anything i'm definitely open to something more because he wants to take you home he knows if he's on the spot on a great date at a romantic dinner if he says yes i'm simply here to sleep with you that chances are you're not gonna sleep with him so i just feel like you've

got great intentions but i don't know if it's ever worked look guys don't don't shoot the idea down until you've tried it brit doesn't like she hasn't tried it she doesn't know if it works or not it's how I used to approach my online dating back in the day it worked for me I like I ended up in quite a few relationships with guys who look they didn't work out they didn't end up being great relationships but it it started honest conversations and I think if you approach it in a way which is not psycho I think it's just a great conversation starter yeah I'm look I do agree and I'm all for the question and that conversation but for me usually it happens after a couple of weeks that's all that's but that's a difference in that's just a difference in you and I it's like a normal

normal thing people approach things in a different way but also I do think that if you don't have that conversation early on and like I need to stress this it doesn't need to be about being in a relationship with you it's just if that person is looking for the potential of a relationship if you don't have that conversation early on and I'm talking like date one date two date three then you will end up dating them for three or four weeks and then eventually you get to the three or four week mark and you're like hey what are you looking for and they're like oh sorry I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just looking for hangs and bangs. And you're like, cool. I could have had that conversation three weeks ago and not wasted my time and gotten invested.

Yes. That also happens to me all the time too. And this is why I'm giving you the advice, Brittany. Anyway, guys, we do have a great episode for you guys today. We're going to be talking about going on a break. Is it a slow fade out? Is it because you need time to figure out your relationship? Basically when you've been dating someone, whether it be for a short period of time or you're in a long-term committed relationship, and then all of a sudden your partner or you decide you need to take a break from them. We're going to unpack what that means. We're going to unpack like putting parameters around it, what we think works, what we think doesn't work and see kind of like what our own opinions are around breaks. Cause I think Britt and I have

kind of slightly conflicting opinions. We did nut it out a little bit before the episode and we realized that there are some things that are a little conflicting. We have different views on things and the way that we, we would approach breaks are different to each other, but we also have a lot of similarities to and a lot of things we agree on so we're going to delve into that our own opinions our own experiences but also we're going to bring you some things from the professionals we're going to go through some some proper tips from psychologists and relationship therapists on how they advise you to take breaks and the communication channels and everything else that goes along with taking a break but before we do that you guys might have noticed the last few

weeks we have been doing a segment with bumble so bumble have been jumping on board as a sponsor for the past few weeks. And we're all here for it because I'm obviously obsessed with Bumble. I use it every day. And for the last two weeks, we've actually done some really funny segments. We did some like really embarrassing, awkward first date stories. We've done some really beautiful success stories. We've done it all. But this week we wanted to do something a little bit different and a little bit more serious and actually trying to help you out in the dating game. So we're going to talk about the best way to start a conversation, the best way to open the conversation and the best lines you can use. We put a call out. We wanted to hear the best

lines you've given out and some of the best lines you've received. And I cannot even tell you, we got hundreds that was so funny. Some was so crude that I'm like, I don't know what the hell you guys are doing out there, but this is why you're single because you cannot open with these lines. Well, you can, but it's a fast track to hanky panky town and that's about it. Like this is soliciting a dick pic. That's what you're doing. So Laura, I want you to think back a long way back did you have a go-to opening line when you were online dating I did and I had two and like you're gonna mock them but they were both very effective Brittany I'm just gonna put that out there I love it you know I'm gonna mock them already so my first one was like very I mean it's

very abstract I don't think like you guys would be like why would you even send that but I did I used to send do you want a cookie and then I would send an emoji of a cookie that's that's it is that the punchline yeah that's it that's the joke hey do you want a cookie and then I'd send them an emoji of a cookie anyway guys it works like don't judge me don't judge me and think that i'm crazy it actually worked multiple times um everyone loves a cookie who would have thought okay so funnily enough my one of my bios is like one of my lines is risk it for the biscuits my quote that's yeah that's like your life saying yeah that's like your life motto i think i said on the bachelor and it stuck with me skip for the biscuit you also said it like if anyone is

has been with us since season one you said it on every single episode of season one did I 100% I need to listen back so I'll skip to the biscuit well that's still my line online dating and I can't tell you I have to change it because every single person says to me and like hats off to them because they're doing the right thing they're engaging with my profile every single person says what kind of biscuit is it nobody ever asked me what kind of biscuit I was trying to give them I'll always they always ask me and I'm like it's irrelevant you're missing the point like I'll eat every biscuit I will risk this for any sort of biscuit you tell me I won't even cook it I'll just eat the cookie dough so my second one is I'm a big fan of would you rathers like

you know like a would you rather is a great opening question and mine came from a book that I used to really love from like forever ago but it was would you rather have penises for fingers or wear a hat full of spiders for the rest of your life I hate this game do you know what I actually hate playing it because it makes me anxious would you rather penises for fingers or wear a hat but you could never take it off and you had spiders running all over your face and like like just had a hat full of spiders but your penises are fully functioning so they're like flaccid and then when you're excited they're erect yeah penis fingers what would you have this is penis fingers yeah i'm scared of spiders anyway this was my opening line it really opened

up some very interesting conversations about penis fingers also you could just wear gloves a condom's penis gloves i was like we're a penis glove and it's a condom before we get into your best pickup lines guys that you sent in to us brit what is your go-to what's your number one what gets the boys okay so i i used to do this thing and when i say used to like i would have done it this year it's not that old bear with me and picture this i send a picture of a dog the emoji but in the one text so i don't send it in one text i type it out there's a picture of a dog and then i space bar for like 10 lines so there's all this air under the dog and then i put a picture of a girl running and i send that and then i follow that up with ralph ralph come

back and then i message them and say oh sorry my dog's always running away and then i start talking this is so much effort it's like if your dog's running to the neighbor's yard right and it's the hot guy like a movie your dog runs in and you're like sorry he's always running away and then it's the rom-com moment then they're like oh my god my neighbor's so hot i love him my dog runs into other people's dms and it has worked every time okay can you please take a screenshot of that and put it up on instagram or at least onto like the facebook page or something so that we can see and that people maybe do it in a live version so that people can fully just copy it paste it into their notes and then use it for the future well actually guys i don't know if i want

y'all using my trick because this is what gets me late every time all right we did actually put it out to you guys as well we've got some great either pickup lines or opening lines and some of your favorites which we picked out the ones that we like the best so i'm gonna kick it off this girl wrote and she said this is how she ended up with her husband now so i mean like the proof is in the pudding she said how do i get a cute guy to message me on bumble that was her first text to this guy and then her second text was oh shit i'm so sorry this isn't google i was like cute adorable oh my god i actually want to use that one i think that the dad jokes are kind of like the nicest openers i think any opener that is not hey hi or sup is brilliant like you're

doing well if you can do anything other than those three things but i also don't really like like how's your weekend like i think i think you need a bit more i think the first opening line needs to be funny or it needs to be something that's got like a little bit of pizzazz to it Or just a question that is anything other than the standard how has your week been, how has your weekend, what's on for the weekend. Like anything that's going to engage them, make them laugh, make them notice you because they've just looked at a hundred other Hays that day. Okay, this is a good one.

You're that hot that if you ate bread, you'd shit toast. Like as if you wouldn't respond to that and be like, all right, let's have dinner. Wait, what have I got? Okay. Okay. This one isn't funny, but this is actually really effective. I think like a really great way of doing an opening line is doing two truths, one lie. So sending them like some information about yourself and being like two of these things of fact. And one of these things is particularly fictitious. So for example, I might write in, I have a three-legged dog. I dropped my phone in my own poop and I watched every episode of friends. Which one?

Yeah. Well, all of you true lifers will know she's never watched friends. there you go see I think that's cute I mean obviously don't talk about your poop as an opening line that's probably not not ideal no not not the recommendation that you need no but that is good because it opens up the conversation yes so two truths one lie that's one of my faves okay that's actually that is a really good tip this next opening line I absolutely love to and I think you guys should all try it out tomorrow hey did I see you on Spotify I swore I saw you listed under hottest singles. Oh, it's smooth. I love that. I would say like, I actually prefer, I prefer a pickup line as an opening line. I know that like some people will disagree. I think that

like some people will say that they're really corny, but I quite like it. I'm absolutely here for a pickup line. Give me a pickup line as corny or cringy as possible. Give me that any day over a hour with your weekend. You guys are going to disagree or some of you are going to, because like a lot of people wrote in that the stock standard high or hay or sup works for them. And I'm just going to put it out there. Like I went and did a bit of a deep dive and for every single girl who wrote into me saying, Oh, I just write hay and it always works. You're so hot. And that's why it works. You're an 11 out of 10. All of us mere mortals have to put in some effort and actually do something that's like slightly above and beyond. Because I think unless you were like

Victoria's Secret so smoking hot a hay is just not gonna cut it in today's world no it's not gonna cut it and think about if you don't like receiving a hay they're not gonna like receiving it either so use your imagination it's just a bit lazy okay I've got one more good one Gillette has brought out a new razor for dyslexics they say it's the best thing since sliced beard does anyone else find these as funny as me because I was reading these thinking that They were brilliant. And I'm actually going to use them all. When we said we did a call out,

it was actually so that we can collate a list of opening liners for Brit to use for the future. She's going to put them all into practice and then come back, report back, and she'll tell you which one's the most effective. Okay, actually, this is probably one more. This is the icing on the cake for opening lines. She sends a picture of a lime, an emoji, and then she says, sorry, I couldn't find an opening lime.

It's so bad. So bad, but so, so perfect. okay should we actually give some serious opening line tips we've given you guys some advice on other episodes kind of like scattered throughout this podcast about like what we think are kind of great ways to put together your profile and also ways to approach online dating but we thought we'd give you a couple of opening liners that you can use and you can implement in your everyday and also some tips and tricks for how to like optimize your profile before we get into today's episode in all seriousness guys i am here for the one-liners and i am here for the

funny jokes but I think it doesn't have to be this really quirky funny thing you've just got to do it with confidence you've just got to ask something a little bit outside the box and I think the key I honestly do I think the key is just showing an interest in them so go through their pictures and pick something that actually jumps out at you it might be like a travel photo it might be an activity that they're doing and just say hey where was this when was this how did you ever learn to do that why did you get into that like just find something that's engaging in them as a person otherwise they feel like there's another number the same way you would feel like you're another number so I think that's my number one key also I am a big fan like I think everyone

likes a compliment so no so long as it's not just like a hey you're hot uh I'd like to eat dinner off your abs like so long as it's not just like a normal one Laura's use I would like to eat dinner off your abs like that would sit on my face like whatever those compliments are that you want to throw into the ring but I think that like you know everyone loves a compliment everyone likes to feel like that someone's paid attention to either maybe what they're wearing, maybe the way their hair looks or maybe something that they've done

in their profile pictures. So I do think like paying specific attention to what's been written about themselves or to what's in the content and pulling something out of their bio or their pictures is like a little nugget as the conversation starter because it obviously just shows

that you've paid attention and haven't just sat there incessantly swiping right on everybody. Actually, Bumble does have this, a new thing you wouldn't know, Laura. Bumble has this new game where it's if you're struggling to start a conversation

or just to chat in general, they have like a questions game. So you both engage in the game, Bumble asks the question and puts a question card out to both of you and you both have to answer. But the answers are locked until you've both given an answer. So it's not like one person can just play hoping the other person writes back because in order for it to work, both of you have to be engaging and answering these questions. So I actually think that if you're a little bit shy

or you don't know how to start a conversation, I think it's a really nice way to just be like, boom, let's play the questions game. But would you jump straight in with the questions game or do you have to have a bit of like a, hey, I'm going to send you this. Do you think that like there needs to be a bit of an opener before you straight out?

Because I almost think that like if you throw the question game out without doing any intro, it's almost like the lazy way of doing a conversation. Oh, I don't, I do not think you should open with a question game. But I think once you've done your opener and you've had a little bit of bant, maybe you're getting a little bit stuck

and you feel like you don't want to be just going, asking this question, asking this question, asking this question. So I think it's just a light, more lighthearted way to take the stress and the pressure off, you know, getting to know each other. How long do you think you should chat to someone before you lock in a date? Like the beat, like, do you want to pen pal someone for a week? Do you want to talk to them for a day?

Like how long do you chat to someone online before you're like, all right, this needs to go IRL real quick, smart. Well, I have actually changed the way I operate online. So I used to sort of chat to a few people at a time for probably a week or two, and then start to decide who I wanted to see until I figured out I was chatting for these few weeks finally meeting up with them and then had no nothing there in real life and I was like I've just wasted all this time now I do it a lot quicker so I will I have met people on the same day I've matched them before which is I'll never go to their house I never I don't put myself in

a situation because you don't know them yet but I will match them in the morning chat for a couple of hours and be like hey if you're around for a coffee do you want to grab a coffee I am 100% down for this because like I mean like look it's going back quite a while when I was online dating but trust me I did loads and I got enough experience in the time that I was doing it that I feel like I can still impart my wisdom but I was always a big believer in like you know sometimes 24 hours like I didn't want to pen pal someone to death I didn't want to talk to someone for weeks and weeks like I have my friends I have like you know my interests and my things that keep me busy like I don't want to waste time on someone who when I actually meet them in real life end up

being a dud and like I do think that sometimes people can do their best work online like they can be their wittiest their funniest they can have their best banter in text form and then actually really suck at it in real life and you're like oh this isn't the guy that I've been chatting to this is not quite right whereas I think if you kind of have that instant chemistry and you finally take it IRL and do that straight away like there's no time wasting well also what I find is you spend a week or two asking the questions the base questions and getting to know each other and then it's almost like you have this moment where you go and meet up with them and you're like well i've asked all that you don't know where to pick it up from like you've already asked that stuff whereas i

think if you just have a day or two of the chatting and generally then you can go and meet up and you're like so tell me more about your job because you haven't you haven't gotten that deep yet but when you spend like two months talking to someone you meet up and you're like oh it's that awkward territory where you've covered the basics but you haven't gone in depth yet and you don't know how to bridge it and you're like i know you so well but i actually don't know you at all exactly my weird pen pal from the states so I've been talking to since I was seven so my advice now my very very wise advice is to not spend too long getting to know someone online before you meet up with them confidence plays a massive massive part in this and I think that's one of the biggest take-homes

is like make sure like however you approach the conversation or whatever it is that you're doing like you do reflect that you are confident and that also just don't put too much pressure on yourself especially maybe they're a real hottie maybe it's someone that you're really excited that you've matched with but like at the end of the day dating's meant to be fun and don't put too much pressure on yourself to like say the right thing or do the right thing or think about it too much like you really I mean unless it's offensive like you really can't say the wrong thing if you say something joking or you say something light-hearted and the person doesn't write back it's not a reflection of the fact that you didn't say the right thing it's just a

reflection that like some people have loads of matches and they're not that engaged you know it's it's you can't take that shit personal is what I'm saying my really really good girlfriend was telling me the other day that she this is testament to the fact that you can't say the wrong thing if you give it a whirl she has a really bad habit of she matches heaps of people because she likes to talk but what she does is copies and pastes opening her opening text so it's the same text to everybody but what she did the other day was like message ben but with fred's copy and paste so she's like hey fred hey fred really really love to catch up with you sometime and he's like it's ben and she's like oh that was my copy and paste sorry like she's owned it

she was like and then they went on a date because it's like everyone knows what it is everyone knows everyone's talking to other people she got called out she just owned it she was like fuck look I think you're hot but yes that was for fresh she's like time is money people I have this shit saved in my notes and I'm just gonna copy and paste I think a lot of people had their go-to opening line that they use on repeat like I said I had my penis fingers all spider heart but I she's so messed up I have shared that with a lot of men out there running around Sydney so like you're welcome to use it but yeah I think we all have our default and like there's no shame in that if you find your groove with with an opening line that's working for you then stick to it bumble

do also have a little quiz that they've got online and we're going to put that in the show notes if you guys want to go and do it and it's just to find out your personal dating style it's really short it's really simple i quickly did it and my dating style believe it or not was comical i love that for me but that just means that that's how that's how i put myself out and that's how i want to try and attract people with humor and that they i want that back from them so it's two seconds to do guys, if you want to jump on, go to our show notes and do the quiz. Guys, before we get into the actual episode today, like I did throw this out on the Facebook group and there has been a couple of conversations going around, but I really want to talk about something. It's going to be

polarizing. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it too. But I want to talk about the new reality TV show that has us all hooked and obsessed, the SAS reality TV show. And there's been a lot of conversation around what's been happening on it because it is probably one of the most confronting reality TV shows that I've ever seen and and I want to say like I watched the first episode and and I I was like hooked like to the point where I went to bed that night and was having dreams about SAS stuff like I was so hooked you were texting me being like this this is the best thing since sliced bread like I am here for this have you watched it you were you were thriving and you all know that like I am sick for reality TV so this is not surprising to anyone but then

I watched the second episode and my feelings towards it started to shift a little bit. And there was something that happened on the episode, which really kind of struck me as being a bit problematic. So for anyone who hasn't seen the season so far, basically there's a whole lot of reality TV stars who are training in SAS, like special forces style. And they're emulating the type of training that they would have to do in the, in the instance, like that they went to war, basically it's, it's so incredibly grueling. It's so incredibly taxing. And the stuff that they've had to do is I like, I can't, I would, I was, would have been out like one hour in like Roxy Jacenco did six hours. Fuck. I would have like been out 45 minutes. Yeah. It's absolutely insane.

So the thing that I've taken issue with and that I think has really shocked a lot of people who have watched it is that in the very first episode, Sabrina Frederick, who is an AFL player, she picked the honey badger to fight. And basically the rules of that game were you go in, you beat the shit out of each other and until someone falls on the floor or is out then that's when they stop so Sabrina picked the honey badger and they went like bull at a gate it was really confronting to watch like Nick did not hold back at all and he fucking gave her a real good belting in the first round and then the second round like Sabrina kind of made her way back so I watched that episode and I was like okay that's confronting to watch a man hit a woman however she chose that

And that was her decision. I was like, I'm kind of getting my head around it, but I'm going to respect that that is what she wanted. And that was her choice. So basically the thing that happened in the second episode, which is what really got me thinking and actually really started to change my perception about the show a little bit was that Shana Jack, who is an Australian swimmer, she was in the middle of this, it's a game basically, or it's one of their challenges. I don't know what you would call it exactly, but like there's a massive tire, the challenge is called murder ball and there were two female contestants shana and another female contestant who are basically fighting over this tire in the middle of a muddy ring and they have to like no

rules apply do whatever you want to do to get the tire onto your side the sas instructors called out number six and so that means that you know the next contestant which was honey badger had to run into the ring and it was his turn to try and get the tire basically and so honey badger runs in blindside tackles Shayna Jack in a footy tackle which was like a really really aggressive thing to watch completely knocks her out she's on the floor thinks that she has broken ribs watching that that really started to change my perception about the whole show and it was what left me feeling like very very uncomfortable I know that there is the argument that these are the rules and that yes it's supposed to be SAS training however I can't shake the fact that and they're

they're celebrities. They're not actually training for war. This is not skills that they're going to be implementing for any purpose outside of this show. And we're watching a man hit a woman on free to air TV at a 7pm time slot for entertainment. I'm going to be completely honest. I, for a few different reasons, haven't been able to watch it. Haven't gotten into it. I haven't really wanted to watch Nick. Not bitter, not sour, nothing. I just, I was just like, that's not my show but I have gone back and made a note to watch these scenes that everyone's talking about so to watch the scene where Nick has come in blindingly tackling this girl without her knowing it was actually really confronting because he's a professional rugby player and he

hit her hard this was like a proper rugby tackle but it has aroused a lot of feelings in me too thinking and the more that you and I have spoken about it Laura personally and privately just as like friends discussing the show which I think is great because it's getting conversations started there are just so many things that don't sit right with me like Roxy Jacenko has come out and she's just like torn strips off the whole thing she's like I will I will not be a part of it I will not be throwing punches at my friend just because they tell me to and she straight up calls Nick out she's like he absolutely did not have to fight her he did not have to go in hard he did not have to actually try and knock her out he could have at least let her get one or two in but apparently

he just went nuts and I think like we probably need to put a trigger warning out about this too about what we're going to talk about I think this will be triggering for a lot of people it's literally a man beating a woman we know it's a show we know that they've all signed up for it we're just saying should this kind of a thing be highlighted on national television and be celebrated and glorified I think that this is just a conversation that needs to have be had yeah and I guess like one of the things I really really want to kind of point out before we kind of unpack this a little bit more we have nothing against Nick like and we were almost like very sensitive about having this conversation because we were like obviously there's connections there

and like this is not about grilling the honey badger at all this is a conversation about the show and the rules that the show says are okay well we realize with each other that it doesn't matter who this person was in this situation we would have had the same feelings and we would have had the same conversation and that's what actually made us have the conversation absolutely There is a lot of debate saying like, well, it's not necessarily meant to be for entertainment. It's meant to showcase to us what these SAS people have to go through and how grueling it is. And like, you know, what is in, what is needed by someone to be able to actually come out the other side in the special forces. But I kind of call bullshit on that a little bit. Cause I'm like,

well, it is entertainment because the people who are on the show aren't training for anything big. They're not going to go to war. They are celebrities. And they're also making a really fucking great income from doing it guys like it's come out that you know that the median wage was between thirty thousand and fifty thousand dollars and just so you know how it works with these sorts of reality tv shows you get paid for every day that you stay in in the same way that paradise the more days that you stay in is the more money that you accumulate so if your pay packet is fifty thousand dollars you only make fifty thousand dollars if you actually stay for the duration of the show so there is a reward and there is a prize money attributed to it we just don't call

them a winner at the end of it. But I think like bringing up Roxy Jusenko is really important because like she piked out after six hours. Right. And I watched it and I was like, oh my God, that's so pathetic. I can't believe that she didn't make it longer than that. And I watched the fight between her and Candace and I was like, oh my God, throw a punch. Like, what are you doing? And then when she came out and actually spoke to media and said, well, I didn't want to throw a punch. I didn't throw a punch because I didn't want to hit my friend. It made me realize, oh, that was a, that was a choice. Like she didn't, it wasn't that she wasn't throwing a punch because she was weak like she was making a stance and she wasn't accepting the rules of the show and so

obviously like that wasn't for her she left and then she was crucified online in the comment section of her social media because people thought she was weak and pathetic for leaving so I think we are glorifying the people who stay there longer because we're saying well you stayed the longest so you're powerful and you're strong and you didn't so you're weak and you're pathetic and there's been that line that's been drawn in the sand but bringing it back to this conversation around what isn't isn't acceptable I think the reason why this sits so uncomfortably for me is because we have a really long way to go in Australia when it comes to violence against women one in six women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime

and I think that while those figures are so high we shouldn't be glorifying violence against women in any format on any tv show it's a reality tv show and it is for entertainment at the very end of the day i don't like that the rules on this show say it's okay to hit a woman because that's the rules like my only issue is with this show is i get that it's adrenaline seeking and i get why people are hooked and but i what they should have done if they absolutely want to be pitting these people against each other in boxing rings it should be women fighting the women and the men fighting the men. I get that we're all, they're all trying to be created equal. They're all trying to be on the same platform. They're all trying to prove themselves, but I don't think it should

have been an option. I think it should have been maybe the whole format that can stay exactly the same, but the women fight the women and the men fight the men. I think the really important thing here is, and I think something that might've been overlooked by a lot of people, I don't know how many people know this, but the host, Ant Middleton, he was actually imprisoned for 14 months. Now he only served four months of that but he was sent to prison for 14 months for assault against two police officers but one of them was him hitting a female police officer so this is something that's very concerning to me and a bit of a bloody red flag to have someone that a thinks that's okay and does that gets put in prison and then all of a sudden we think it's okay to fly him into our

country put him on a tv show as a host determining the rules where men can punch women like there's just so much wrong with that yeah just like fully unpacking that you know when you're a host of a tv show you become a role model people look up to you you're in a celebrity status and I think that putting somebody in a celebrity status and having them as a role model on a tv show that's on a free-to-air very like family-friendly time slot who has a criminal history of assaulting a female officer and I and I'm I'm sure there's probably loads of people who are listening to this episode who didn't know this but it came out in a news report that this happened in 2013 it was a drunken brawl at the front of a nightclub and he assaulted the male police officer to the

point where the female police officer actually thought that he was dead because he was unconscious on the ground and then he also assaulted the female police officer and if you just do a quick google search this is aunt milton who is one of the main sas directors of the show giving that person a platform and we're saying oh hey like these are the rules that it's okay for you to behave like this in a reality tv show there is some level of glorification that we can't overlook and it just sits really uncomfortably with me and you know I obviously we haven't seen how the rest of the show plays out and like I love some of the people who are on the show don't get me wrong like I think that Chappelle Corby really showed some amazing characteristics and I think that Sabrina

has been an incredible force on that show but there are some aspects of it that really we need to assess as a society why do we want to watch that and why is this entertainment yeah again my my only issue with this show guys is that I just don't think there is ever a place on any level at any time on any platform where it's okay to watch violence against women that's my only issue the idea of the show the premise of the show everything else is fine violence against women I will not accept I will not be into and I will not tolerate and I would have liked to have thought Australia would be getting on board with that you know we really wanted to have a conversation about this because I guess like I am still unpacking my thoughts about it and I know

like when I had put it out in the Facebook group it really kind of like rustled up some real conversation and I know that a lot of people who have been watching it have felt unsettled and this is in no way an attack on Nick as a person like neither of us think that in any other situation would he had that sort of behavior the the thing that we're taking issue with is the fact that the show is saying that this is okay and like I said I know that it's trying to emulate the special forces I know that it's trying to emulate what combat is like but at the end of the day I think we need to be realistic about the fact that it is a show and that maybe there should be more rules in place because for a guy that's double the size of a female to be treating them

as an equal opponent and taking them out and behaving in a way that like really puts a female in danger at a time slot when anybody can watch it I just think it really raises questions about how how is this entertainment for us it's absolutely nothing against Nick personally but the idea that we have put him and all these other people in an environment where they feel like they don't have the choice I mean ultimately there's always a choice but they've been put into environment there's like the hunger games and also we're saying well if you don't do it then you're weak if nick had said i'm not gonna fight her or you know what i'm not gonna tackle that girl then that would reflect weak on him like that is not the message that we should be sending to

boys that's not the message we should be sending to the you know younger people who are watching this you're not weak if you don't want to attack someone and that's me come at me if you want to in the dms guys interesting conversation and i think it's one that's going to be really interesting to watch the rest of the show play out for sure. And there's going to be so many polarizing opinions. That is totally okay. We just wanted to bring it to your attention and just literally nut it out.

All right, guys. So for today's main topic, we really wanted to talk to you about going on a break. And you know what? I'm sure that most of us at some point in our lives, in one of our relationships at least, this whole concept has raised its ugly or maybe not ugly head. Maybe you went on a break and things turned out perfect for you, but

it's a reality of relationships that, you know, when things aren't necessarily going the right way or when you do need to kind of step back to have some personal growth or figure out what you want, that you may ask your partner or your partner may ask you for a break. And I think that there is a lot to unpack there because it's such uncharted territory. And it's also something that can really make you freaking crazy. If you're the person who gets told that, you know, your partner wants to have a break from you there's a lot of questions and unanswered questions and we've spoken about this before on an ask uncut episode and I was very passionate about my feelings towards breaks but I think it's worth us doing a whole episode around like what what we

think is normal what we think is acceptable how best to navigate such a sensitive time in a relationship and whether or not good things can come out of the situation yeah there are some a few sentences in a relationship that you just never want to hear isn't it and the first one's always we need to talk the second one is I think we need a break these are two things you don't want to hear but we want to unpack the fact that if you do hear that from your partner it may not be the end of the world and it may end up being a really good thing for the relationship and a positive and a healthy thing for the relationship maybe it won't maybe you'll end up in hysterics broken up and moving on but we want to say that just because it didn't work for Ross and Rachel

doesn't mean it won't work for you we're on a break even I know this one that's what actually what made being on break so famous Ross and Rachel actually Rachel Jennifer Aniston love her she has come out so many times and said just like I cannot ever escape it she's like this is the one line that I will never escape in my whole career and I sort of feel sorry for her in that sense anyway jumping back in let's start from the beginning well I just want to say before we do kind of unpack it I think that there are very different set of rules depending on your relationship and where you're at. So I think that, you know, if you've only been dating someone for a short period of time, the rules that apply to going on a break at that, in that sort of

relationship are very, very different if you've been with someone for a really long term. Um, and I think that they need to be treated differently. Like I genuinely think if you've only been dating someone for a short period of time and you want to step back for a little while to figure out, Hey, do I want to commit to this person? Do I not like, what do I want? Like you are totally entitled to do that. And that other person doesn't really have much else that they can do except, except that, you know, like you can take as much time as you want and, and they kind of have to either accept it or they'll keep on dating other people. Whereas I feel very differently about it. If you're in a long-term committed relationship, I think that's when like

the whole concept of going on a break can be really, really heartbreaking and it can actually be very, very toxic unless it's managed and handled in the right way. Well, yeah, ultimately communication is going to be the key as we say every single week have you ever been on a break brit yes i have been on two breaks talk me through it you're like i'm on a life break right now i've been on a break for nine years now i'm detoxing from the dick i'm focusing on myself and taking it slow um no look i have been on two i mean when i said yeah two proper breaks with my partner of like eight years so towards the end I went on my first break I was the one that called both breaks so the first break that we went on was probably seven years deep so like a year out of the end

of the relationship um and that's when I was like hey I need to figure this out something's not quite right I feel unsettled my mind is wandering my eyes are wandering my want for life is wandering and I just didn't feel comfortable in the relationship anymore no cheating no nothing it was just something wasn't right so I wanted to take some time to go and examine that and see am I all right on my own when I'm on my own am I thinking of him am I missing him I just needed to figure that shit out yeah and sometimes you can't figure that stuff out when you're seeing the same person every day and you're constantly in their dms and you're like just bombarded by their presence you know if there's something about your relationship not just not even necessarily

them but if there's something about your existence that's irritating you or you're questioning and sometimes you need to step away from that person to miss them for a little while to go oh okay that was just me having overload and I and I just needed to figure this thing out well so I did that took my time and I missed him terribly because I didn't I didn't not love him so I was like okay I've been away for a couple of weeks we were still like texting and stuff because we lived together so we were just doing our own thing finding our own space I went back and I said yeah I have missed you terribly obviously I just for whatever reason was feeling unsettled and we got back together fine within the year and it was it was never great again within the year I called

another break because I was like I'm I'm really something is not right in this relationship and this break we were like I saw someone else it was like the end of and ultimately it didn't end up being a break it was the breakup but I wasn't ready to call it that and I think this is where people go wrong I think people try to mask a breakup with a break and they're two very different things and you have to differentiate them so I called it a break because you were like we're having a breakup well deep down and this is what a lot of people do deep down I wasn't ready to face the fact that this chapter of my life eight years was over like that is horrific to even think about so I called it a break but it was a long break and I just wasn't ready to face it we had both

seen someone else because we but we had discussed that we were like well you know I think we can date because maybe we were like maybe we've been together since we were so young that we need to go and date someone else experience it and then come back and that that works for people that is totally fine but we deep down we knew that we were never gonna this was never gonna get back together and so we saw some people for one or two dates kind of thing and then I was like wow I'm really hurt at seeing him date I know he was hurt at seeing me date but we still knew we went right for each other and that was when we had to cut communication because we were trying to do this thing where we're like let's stay in contact and let's stay friends because we love each other

and we're going to come back together but let's date at the same time like it was fucked up it was like when I look back I'm like this is quintessentially what I'm gonna say do not do if you're gonna have a break absolutely this is how to do a break wrong yeah absolutely don't do that my point of this my whole point of this story is if you feel like you're wanting to be with other people it's leaning more towards a breakup than it is a break when you're on a break well this is a question for you Laura when you're on a break generally do you think you should be seeing other people like where does that sit with you no I'm like really really passionate about this and like obviously there'll be people who disagree but I think that if you are going to go on a break

and you're going to see other people and be intimate with other people then you just break up because it's way too messy and if the reason why you're wanting to have a break is because you're so unsure that person that you need to go and test the waters elsewhere then you need to be really honest with yourself and like that is not a break you're just trying to wean yourself off somebody else. And that's a really cruel way of treating someone. And like, no one likes to go through breakups, breakups fucking suck. We all know that. But what's worse is when you string someone along and you make it like a slow death, which like I've done it. I mean, and I've done the same thing. Like I, and I look back and I knew that I wasn't really sure if I still wanted to be

with him. Like there was some, like there was something in me that was like, okay, well, I'm not sure, but I knew I wanted to sleep with other people and I knew I wanted to experience other things, but there has to be so much honesty that surrounds a break. Let's just like level up. If you're unhappy in your relationship or if your partner comes to you and they're unhappy and they say they need to step away for a little while and have a break, I absolutely think that you have every right to kind of get a bit more information around why. And, and you know what, if you've been with a guy for more than sort of like four months or three months or six months, whatever it is, but you're actually dating and this is your boyfriend or girlfriend, then I think the why

is really important and you deserve that that's the starting factor right when you're going on a break you have to know in yourself why that is is that because you want to see other people is that because you don't love your partner anymore is it because you're not sexually attracted to your partner anymore is it because you have some internal issues that you need to deal with that maybe have been recent maybe they've been from the past yeah is it something that's like not really related to your partner either but maybe you're just feeling overwhelmed with with like how much attention you have to give them and then work and everything else maybe you're just actually feeling overwhelmed in your life and you need to take a week to just go and

exercise and kind of sit in the woods and read a book whatever it is like the why is so important so dr racine henry she's a new york-based couples and family therapist she says straight up number one thing figure out why number two she says if the relationship is just starting to feel like it's just not right if you're starting to feel like you're acting in a way that isn't normal to you and and the way you're acting is hurting the other person which is which is an effect of just stress and anxiety if you're just starting to treat them in a way that you shouldn't be treating them then that's when you need to say okay I need to take some time apart and figure out what the hell is going on with myself so that I don't treat my partner like that and I can either

come back to the relationship whole with respect or I can make the decision to cut it and leave it and I think you totally hit the nail on the head when you were talking about your experience and like when you've gone and done two breaks Brit I do genuinely think that like a lot of people use a break as a soft breakup because they're not ready to kind of like you know make that commitment and they're scared they're scared of being alone they're scared of the repercussions they're scared of losing the person completely and so they keep them on this short leash that's just a selfish way of being, you know, like if you're going to break up with someone, you're better off doing it and actually going away and making some changes or then sleeping with the person you want to sleep

with. And then maybe coming back further down the line and figuring out, okay, I made a mistake and I want to be with you then stringing that person along. But maybe it's kind of good if we get into what are the parameters around a break? Like this is such a broad topic and I have so many opinions on it, but I think the parameters around a break are dependent firstly on your reason for the break and I really believe this is true because it's not always things like within the relationship that are the problem it's not always infidelity that causes a break and it's not always wanting to sleep with someone else but it could be things like lifestyle changes or belief system changes it could be things like you've decided within yourself to to have a health kick you've

decided to eat really healthily you've decided to cut your Netflix off and you've decided to stop drinking you're on your three-month health kick your partner doesn't want to get on board he wants to sit down and eat hot dogs he wants to eat pizza he wants to drink beer he's not supporting you in your endeavors he doesn't want to go to the gym with you there are things like this that these relationship that these relationship therapists say are actually really big driving factors for breaks it's not always just what people think people automatically go to i want to have sex with someone else or i don't want to have sex with you anymore or i'm not really in love with you and i need to figure it out absolutely it can also be things like one partner wants kids and the other

person doesn't this is a huge driving factor where you need to remove yourself and think about it so i think it's really dependent if you're if what you're trying to figure out is lifestyle based i think your parameters are different because you know you're not taking a break to go and sleep with other people so there's there's not as much you need to talk about in that sense there's not as many boundaries and rules that you need to set if you're saying i'm not sure about the relationship i want to go and maybe see if i want to be with other people then like hold your horses we need to sit down and set some boundaries. Yeah, absolutely. And I also think like timeframe is a really big thing as well. Like, I mean, I don't think you have to sit down on the day one

and be like, Hey, I want a break. And I want that break to be for a week. But I do think that the timing is really, really important because I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to put their life on hold for multiple weeks or a month or whatever it is. Like, I think that, you know, a week whilst you collect your thoughts and you figure your shit out is kind of like, that's okay. Like you can ask anyone to kind of give you space for a week, but I think more than that, the person has a right to say, okay, what does this look like? Like, what are we doing long-term? Because I'm not going to sit around for more than a week and wait for you to text me or

call me. I know for me personally, breaks don't work. Breaks really, really ignite my crazy and make me feel very insecure and make me feel really unloved. And, um, and I know that because, you know, I had a boyfriend many years ago who needed and wanted to go on a break because he wasn't sure about our relationship. And I tried it. It made me feel horrendous. And like the break was much more extended than just a week. I think it was like three weeks and he still wasn't sure about what he wanted. And every day I was waiting,

hoping he would text me, hoping he would call me. And I just got to a point where I was like, do you know what? I want to be with someone who's a hundred percent sure of me, who knows what they want and I'm what they want. And they're not in this limbo purgatory relationship phase. So I called it because I was like this isn't going to work for me and you know what we did end up getting back together further down the line and and it was pretty shortly after I was the one who called it but that doesn't sit well with me and I know that of myself so I think if you're the one who's being told like the break ultimatum and you know that that is not going to be something that you can handle you have a choice like you can absolutely say do you know what I can't do that like I'm not

I this isn't going to work for me like if you're not sure what you want then I think that we should breakup rather than going on a break I'm not saying that that should be your instant reaction I think that everybody should be entitled to have some time to work through their feelings but if you're not getting closure or clarity and it's making you feel crazy then you are absolutely entitled to make your own decisions as well and I think this is where Laura and I differ a little bit like so Laura and I we did we chatted out fuck you like you better know what you want or I'm out that door yeah see I'm actually the opposite I think and from everything I've read too I think it's really important that as long as you're open and clear in your communication breaks can be

really great for the relationship breaks can be literally what saves a relationship sometimes one of you just needs to take a time out and it doesn't mean that they love you any less it doesn't mean they don't want to be with you but I think the only way to know that is to have your have your boundaries and your rules and your communication so Laura you for a prime example you just said I was waiting weeks being like is he going to text me today is he going to text me today and a hundred percent. That's what did your head in because you guys, obviously he just fucked off and didn't have any communication with you saying that, you know, okay, I am going to have the week off. I'll text you on Friday. I'll check in with you on Friday. Yeah, absolutely.

And I think that that's just it, right? Like if you're taking a break, it doesn't mean that that's a slow form of torture. Like a break doesn't mean zero contact unless you've stipulated zero contact is like one of your boundaries. And you guys have actually discussed that, but a break just means like having less contact and having less intensity. So, you know, you might go on a break, but you might still check in every couple of days and be like, you know, like, I hope you're okay. Like, you know, what's happening in your life, make sure that they're coping and that they're okay. Because you still love the person to have empathy for them and don't want them to be suffering in this silence of like, why the hell is my life in limbo purgatory? Which is what it

can feel like when you're on a break. Yeah. So number one thing is be clear, be clear with what you want. And I think it's really important to, whilst one of you might want to say, I want no communication for a month. I don't think, and they don't advise that that works. You need to have some sort of set rule, even if it's once a fortnight or once a week, whether that's a text message, an email, a phone call, a meetup in person, a coffee, just to check in and see how it's going. It's literally your baseline level of respect because the difference with a breakup and a break. A breakup, you don't want to be with him anymore. You don't want to be responsible for anyone else's feelings. A break is a different energy. A break is I love you and I'm committed

to you, but I just need to sort something out real quick and I'll come back. Like you have the intention of coming full circle in a break, break up, you're done. Your energy's gone. Your love is gone. And I think that you just nailed it, right? Like if you're having a break, it's because your full intention is that you want to make it work if you're not sure that you want to make it work then that's a breakup like that to me is not a break I think you completely nailed that on the head Brit like I love the way you said that as well like thanks yeah good job I'm just gonna go and have a cup of tea now if you're having a break from someone it's because you still love them you respect them you care about the way they feel in in more more so than just like you know of course

when you break up with someone you care about the way they feel and you respect them still but like you do check in with someone when you're on a break you do you don't isolate them you don't make them feel unloved you don't make them so fearful that they're going to lose you that they go crazy like that's not what a break is supposed to be and I think that that's a really unreasonable request so if you're doing that to someone when you're on a break you're ignoring them completely and if they're or or vice versa like you're on the receiving end of that then like I understand why that would make you crazy. However, if you have agreed to being on a break, if you are the person who has been given that ultimatum and you've said, okay, yes, absolutely. Let's do this.

I want you to be happy. I want you to know that you want to be with me. Then you also have to respect that. And you can't be the person who's texting them every day. Who's like feeling insecure. Who's, you know, like sliding into their DMS, who's trying to call them. Like you have to respect that they've asked for some space and give them that space. Maybe start with trying to do five days, maybe start with trying to do one week, whatever it is, but give them the space that they've asked for because they are absolutely entitled to it. Everybody is. That's absolutely true. And that works both ways. So you have to respect the fact that they need the space. As hard as that is, you need to refrain from bombarding them and stalking them and turning

up to their hotel room. You absolutely cannot. Having said that, which Laura directed at you, I was like I'm pretty sure I did that actually no I just pretty sure I rocked up at his apartment and I was like we need to talk and that's the one word you don't want to hear but having said that in reverse they need to be able to give you respect back you have to meet halfway so they say to you okay I need a break and I need you to respect my space so give me my space you are entitled to say absolutely I want I want you to have your space and I want this to work but you also need to respect that I need to hear from you like I need to know you're okay and I need to know we're still okay so how can we do that and then between you is when you organize if it's every

three days every five days every week and you organize how but the respect is mutual it has to come together and how you have to meet halfway but that brings us to the next part which is how bloody long should you be on a break like what what are the rules how personally I don't think you can put a time restraint on it I don't think you can say fine you can have your break but you've got one month or I'm out I that is the wrong way to go about it everything I've read from every single therapist online has said that is absolutely the worst thing you can do is absolutely the worst thing you can do is when your loved one comes to you and says I need space is to tell them exactly how long they can have the space for and they have to make a decision you can't

give them an ultimatum it's going to put too much stress and pressure on them and they need to be able to come and figure out their problems organically without a time bomb ticking time bomb saying i've got three days left to get my shit together i mean i think it's okay if you're on the receiving end of the break if you put a time limit for yourself though so like maybe you don't want to give that time limit and like brit you can disagree with me on this but like maybe you don't want to give that time limit to the person who's asked for the break but if you yourself are like do you know what i don't want to be in limbo for more than two weeks i don't want to be in limbo for more than a month like you're entitled to have your own internal monologue

about what that break looks like as well and you're you're entitled to say okay well if this is going to go on for a month then I'm out like I don't want to do more than a month like I can give you and afford you that time and afford you that space but you also need to afford me some closure as well and I think that that's really important to keep in mind like there are two parties to this and you both have options and you both have choices which I think sometimes when you're on the receiving end of somebody wanting space it sometimes feels like you don't have a choice in it you're just like a participant or a bystander of somebody else's needs and wants absolutely agree like you don't have to sit back and wait forever but i think what you do is don't

make the decision in your head and then walk out the day it happens go and communicate to them again and say i love you and i i want to be here for you and i want to give you the space but like i can't be in this limbo and i can't do this anymore so let's do our own thing and when you're ready you come back to me if I'm still in that headspace then that's great but there's always also a chance that you might not be now you're not doing this to your partner to trick them into getting back with you right now or to trick things into going back to normal but you do have to take some sort of responsibility for your own health and if that's the case don't give it to them as an ultimatum but just say look like I I'm really this is making me really anxious and really

stress and I totally want you to do your thing. I'm going to totally do my thing. Hopefully we can find a way back to each other. I think that we have good intuition or a lot of people have good intuition. I think if you debatable for me, maybe, maybe like, okay, touch and go. You might know if you have good intuition, if you think you're someone of that category, then like you will feel it in your waters. If this isn't a break, like you'll feel it in your waters. If this is actually someone trying to break up with you and they just don't have the fucking balls, like that, that will, you will get that feeling. And that will occur to you because of the way that you're being treated throughout this break. Like this person just goes, ghosts you, doesn't

contact you, doesn't check in, doesn't care about how you feel. Keep saying, oh, like, you know, you're being crazy. I need space. Like I've asked you for this. You know, I think that you, you will get an idea about what is happening and where this is leading to. And, and I think naturally everybody kind of gets to a point where they're like, okay, I I'm, I'm done now. Like I know, I know where my limitations end and where my limitations stand and you can't be on hold forever for someone but in saying that the person who's asked for that space is totally entitled to ask for it okay tell me what you think about this I found this really interesting I want to know what you think there's a relationship therapist her name is Hattie J Lee and this is to do with

the time frames so she says time frames are where we go wrong right a you can't put the time frame on it straight up that's where it goes wrong but she says she doesn't recommend anything longer than four to six weeks if possible so she she's like without putting a cap on it from a human perspective you sort of put a cap on it because she says from a clinical perspective I imagine that if you're on a break you're in a crisis of the relationship so clinically we know that if you experience a crisis as humans we only experience the crisis for up to four to six weeks at the most where you'll either then adapt to the crisis and figure something out maybe cope with it in an unhealthy way or you'll develop the skills to move forward so this is

really interesting so she's saying that as humans for six weeks we can be in this crisis and then generally speaking you've been in it for x amount of time you're like okay i either adapt and get on with life or i just get over it's like it's like she's saying if physically our bodies will want to move one way or the other without us even knowing so subconsciously your body's going to be like okay I'm done with it or I'm dealing with it like 100 if the guy that I'm in love with said to me he needed to go on a six-week break I think I would have a mental breakdown like Matt was like we're going to break and that ended up being six weeks I'd be like I went just not together like what the fuck is happening but I think even like to break that down further from what she's saying

like if you haven't made up your mind after six weeks of being on a break you're not going to make up your mind like if you're still unsure if you still don't know what you want and you're still stringing that person along six weeks down the track and they're still being taken along that journey as well then I think like you know it you know it in your waters you know that this is not a break like this is a breakup and you just don't have the balls to do it and I do think that there is an element of this where you have to be super honest with yourself and really honest with the person that you care about because nobody likes breaking up with someone it's horrible but we all have to do it at some point or another and there's like a way more respectful way of

doing it I can't even imagine how hurtful it would be to have someone string you along on a break for five or six weeks and then at the end of it be like oh and now I now I want to break up now and now I've decided finally actually you're not right for me I think that that's way crueler than at the beginning being like I don't know what I want and then six weeks later coming back and saying I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I totally get that. It's a different time path and it's a different journey and it's a different experience for everyone. But the thing that went wrong with your relationship and your break and mine and my break was that there was no communication. 100%. There was nothing. But I also think, okay, this, and this might be, this might be polarizing. I'm sure

there's people who have done multiple breaks and now they're really, really happy. But I, I think if you're in a long-term committed relationship, you shouldn't be taking multiple breaks. I think if you've taken one break in that timeframe and then your relationship is better after it great happy days like nothing to talk about but if you've gone on one break and then you've come back and said let's try again and then you have that feeling to go on another break like for me you've already done that work like you already asked for a break I don't actually think it's fair to get a second one I think that that's a breakup like for me that's where I would stand it's it's so interesting like we could talk about this forever but there's so many relationship

therapists that say that you know taking a break is what makes a relationship stronger so I think it comes down to your strengths and your weaknesses as individuals and your strengths and weaknesses as a couple as to if you're going to survive a break or not your communication and the last really big thing that I want to mention is are you going to are you going to be monogamous are you going to stay in a committed relationship but just having some time apart or are you going to be sleeping with other people if you're going to be sleeping with other people I don't recommend it the therapists don't recommend it but if you do you need to tell each other that that is the rule and that is what you're going to do but you also need to know that if that happens whilst you think

you might be okay with it you just don't know what damage and what other issues it's going to bring back into the relationship once you decide to get back together it's a whole nother ball game once you've gone out and slept with other people and you're bringing those issues back into the relationship so it's something to be hyper aware of when you are discussing what your break is going to look like with your partner you might want to be like the supportive person that's like you know what yep let's go do what we want if you need to be with someone if you need to sew those wild oats you go sew them baby you need to know that he's going to bring a whole lot of shit back into that relationship that you're going to have to deal with at a later date and like this is what

I said at the beginning of the chat and like probably what we'll end up rounding and agreeing on is like I don't we'll get there we'll agree eventually we always do it but like I don't think I don't think that going on a break and having external sexual partners is necessarily healthy because I think it does bring a whole lot of junk into the relationship you then have to work through as well um and I think if the reason and the driving force for going on a break is because you want to go and sow your seed and have sex with other people then there's something critically wrong in the relationship and you just shouldn't be together you should like maybe look at polyamory or not being monogamous or whatever it is maybe you can be okay with that and that's a type of

relationship that you want you know different strokes for different folks but don't bend your boundaries and and say yes to something that makes you uncomfortable if it's not going to be okay with you and and like exactly that don't say like yes you know what we can see other people unless you really really want to do that as well and you feel confident with it because you're going to end up it's going to bring in trust issues it's going to bring in jealousy issues it's going to bring in deceit and like all of these feelings of like being misled or lied to and I think that if you do then get back together and try and work it out I mean that's the basis of the whole Ross and Rachel thing right once you get back together and you try and work it out there's so much more now

to unpack and try and fix than the original issue that existed pre-break well their whole issue was communication because he was like he would have had sex with people yeah he's like well yes I thought we could we were on a break and she was like yeah break doesn't mean you can have sex with other people that was the whole thing there just was no communication so okay one more thing one more thing about that all right okay so if you've only gone on a break for like a week or something or a few days like if somebody has asked for a little bit of space I don't think that that's an open invitation to going out and sleeping with someone else like if I if I ask somebody no it means you go into the other room and have a cup of tea it doesn't mean no but what I mean is

like if I had asked a guy for some space right maybe like I was too busy I needed to like actually have some legitimate space to myself for a week or whatever it was if that person went out and slept with somebody else within that week I would think like what a weak character they have that they can't spend one week on their own that they had to go out and have sex with somebody else like for me that would just be the most instant turn off right even though I'm the one that had asked for space no matter what the break is whether you've defined it or not defined it yet I think for the first couple of weeks there's no sex with other people like that's a no no no because you just don't like you shouldn't need it that bad that that's the driving force of the break i think

not respecting the other person's wishes to just have space is it exactly so i think if you've gotten to like the two week mark or the three week mark that's when you can sit down and have a secondary conversation of like what is this break like how long is this break going to go for in respects to what you want do you want to sleep with other people is that what you're after because they think that will give you a much better foundation for it. But if they have already done that in the first week or two weeks after taking a break,

then like, screw that, I'm out, I'm out, tapping out. Well, the last thing to do if you are going on a break, you do know you want to get back together. It's to be productive in the break. So it's to set goals and set your intentions for what you want to achieve and how you want to achieve them. So they say that this is the best way

to make a break successful basically and come back to each other whole and compatible and better than ever so literally you need to decide what what do you want to achieve with the break like you don't just be like I want to break your partner says why you're like I don't know that's not good enough you need your reason so maybe you want to focus on your business maybe you really need to go put some effort into your business maybe you're trying to figure out if you can forgive an indiscretion maybe they have done something wrong maybe they have cheated maybe they've just slid into someone's dms they've done something you're unhappy with and you need to be on your own to figure out if you can do that

but you need to write down and talk to each other why you're taking the break and what plans you're going to put in place to make sure you achieve those goals and you get to where you want to be 100 much as we say communicate communicate communicate which we say on everything hashtag but like hashtag communicate but also like the the is how essential it is to set boundaries and like set boundaries for yourself about how you want to be treated and what you think is acceptable and also set boundaries for how this break is going to go down because if there's no boundaries and if there's no contact that's not a break that's a breakup and be really realistic with yourself about what is being expected of you and what you can deliver being really honest with

yourself is something that's going to help you so much through this but like Britt said and like I do genuinely believe that breaks and breakups can sometimes mean that the relationship is so much better after it you can get back together you can work through things but you can only do that if you both absolutely respect each other throughout this period and you communicate the whole way through about what your needs and wants are yeah so ultimately can breaks work absolutely can they lead to a breakup absolutely but if you really do want it to work then yeah open communication open respect set your rules if you and your partner are symbiotically invested in creating a loving healthy long-term relationship and you do the above and you're open and have respect then

100% this could be absolutely just the thing you need to come back happier and healthier than ever also it could be just the thing you need to realize that you know what this isn't actually my path I'm going to continue on on my own and that's so fine but all you need to do to make sure you get to either a or b is to have your open communication and respect for the partner because ultimately you're in a relationship with them because you love and care about them so you've just got to remember that every decision you make is also affecting your partner and like just to tie this up that was Brit's like high-fiving herself she's like boom I just fucking nailed it I love it when you rap good like that but to tie this up I guess like what I want

to say in this and something that like you know we've already touched on but just to drive it home is like no matter what side of the fence you're sitting on when it comes to a break you always have agency and you always have choice so you don't have to be a submissive person in the whole break. Like you still are an active party of this relationship and you know, like you need to take care of your own happiness as well. It's really, really important. So I think like, you know, respect, respect, communicate and set your boundaries. Hey, it worked for Ross and Rachel, but did they get back together? Yeah, that baby. Oh, there you go. Have not watched friends. okay all right guys you know that we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet our

highlight and our low light of each and every week i was like something was gonna happen where am i going with this do you want to start or do you want me to start you go all right my i mean you already dropped your phone your poo does it get worse nah but you can't double up no i just mean is there possibly worse well i guess the sweet to that is the fact that the phone still works um okay so my suck for the week is oh it's nothing like the week is great i don't have anything to complain about it's so nice to have a clean bill of health um but my suck is just the weather in sydney we got lulled into this into this false sense of security it had been sunny and beautiful and amazing and i was like oh my god it's summertime but then on friday i was like

i'm not gonna go to the beach i've got too much work blah blah blah blah and now it's gonna rain for the rest of forever that's it that's actually eight days straight of it's like a legitimately torrential for eight days and it's cold again. And I have very limited clothes now. Like none of my pre-maternity clothes fit me. And I put all my winter clothes into storage and I'm actually getting too big for some of my maternity clothes now. So like it's, it's a whole thing. So I have like one jumper and one pair of pants that are suitable for cold weather. And that's going to have to last me for the next eight days. That's okay. I'm wearing them right now. They're not dressy. I actually still think you're so little and cute. Like I bet you've got the

tiniest little bump ever it doesn't look like you are six months seven months six months it does not look like you were six months pregnant okay but my boobs look like they're six months pregnant i just accidentally pulled my boobs out and showed brett what was an accident you literally just well i just i just pulled my top up but they came a bit too high my boob fell out the bottom because they're so big they used to be my boobs used to make eye contact with you they don't anymore they're still pretty big look at the ground now yeah but the nipples are facing in the completely the wrong direction you wait till after this one comes out yeah yeah anyways they're miserable they're looking at the floor all right and my sweet for the week is that yesterday or today

actually is one of my my best friends 30th birthdays but yesterday we went out for like a super cute lunch it was kind of a girl's lunch except Matt was there so not it was kind of a girl's lunch I mean he's still one of the girls um it was just so nice it was so nice to do something feel like a nice grown-up adult we took Molly she was an angel every single time that you take your child out a lunch or something it's this precarious situation where you're like anything could happen this could be a fucking disaster but she was so perfectly well behaved and I just had the nicest day were there any other children there no because I mean that was there as well Marley good one Marley has been sitting in the terrible twos early hasn't she like she's been

a bit unwell lately and having a little bit of like a few tantrums and stuff oh she's wild she's absolutely for a while so you never know what's going to happen at lunch no but I did go fully prepared I took like a whole entire suitcase of toys took a box just put her in the box literally I took like a whole bag that was just full of toys and then another bag which was my stuff so I was like she will be well entertained and she's fine she was great and she ate like every single thing at the restaurant like I mean I've just packed it with MSG it was fantastic well my I was just trying to think my suck I had a really great week actually my suck was probably accidentally having a knife in my bag and trying to take that in to the airport so I tried I didn't

know it was in there though I'm breaking like a federal law but apart from that it's fine excuse me ma'am you were traveling with a weapon I actually didn't know it was just it was a whole kerfuffle but I literally just left in there from lunch like it was innocent I actually think it was a butter knife like I don't know what you could do with a butter knife anyway my suite was obviously I went down to South Australia the whole trip was my suite it's such a beautiful place if you guys haven't been down there it's there's so many amazing vineyards um the ocean is like croatia south australia is like one of the most underrated holiday destinations like a hidden gem it's i i 100 agree we went last year we went and did the wine tours actually the wine tour sucked because

i was pregnant at the time but i'm sure they were great for the non-pregnant me but i was like adelaide and south australia are beautiful and this is like like why didn't i not know about this i know so i where have you been hiding with dolphins like literally they go find this pot of dolphins and you they touch you like it's insane because they're so friendly and playful and inquisitive um and i went to i visited the wildlife hospital so obviously the fires swept through kangaroo island and it was absolutely devastating but they the army flew in and set up a hospital within a day on the island for because they had 600 koalas coming in like three days it was insane and joeys and kangaroos and um so I spent the day there and it was absolutely beautiful the

it like warmed my heart I cannot tell you I was crying I was laughing I was happy they're still recovering a lot of the koalas are still recovering but the guys there are doing such an amazing job at trying to get this wildlife back on track I just I just it was so heartwarming I cannot recommend it enough we came home and I was like you posted more about koalas than you did about your entire bachelor experience in one day and I was like yeah because I was happy and my soul was filled with the koalas that was not what happened on bachelor in paradise anyway guys thank you so much for listening to another episode of life uncut if you haven't subscribed yet to the podcast this is going to be my housekeeping work for you today go and hit subscribe so that we drop into

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