Life Uncut - Why do good, reasonable, intelligent women choose bad boys?.... and where the hell are all the nice guys?

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Why do we always date the bad guy? Why is he all that we attract? Why can’t we “just meet a nice guy!?” Speaking of nice guy, why is it that he always finishes last? This episode we unpack it all and talk about how you can break the cycle and find your very own nice guy.We also have another “accidentally unfiltered” story and we can’t get enough of these so keep them coming please! Follow us for the @lifeuncutpodcast and please leave a review if you love this ep. Share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany. Hi Brittany. How are you? How was your week? Oh my gosh so we came in yesterday to try and record this episode. Oh what a doozy that was. The key word there is try to record this. Oh I couldn't do it guys. I was just having a bad day and I was in such a bad headspace and you know what we tried to push through but wow you would not want to listen to it. I didn't want to listen to it so we've come back to try again. You definitely had a moment for sure. There a little tear dribbled down your face and then I was like your pillar of strength and then I went home I was like you're all right babe we'll do it another day like this is great and then I went

home and I had my moment I had a little tear roll down my face and we both had just a day of moments oh my gosh was it my was it my total horrendous downy vibe that made you feel sad or were you already having a bad day because yesterday you brought it to the podcast and I thought you were in such a great mood. And Britt was being so positive. My brain had stopped working. And every second sentence I was like, um, she's like, sorry, babe, I can't do it. Can we start again? I'm like, we can start again. Sure. It's the hundred and first time, but we will restart this. So here we are for the hundredth and second time and fingers crossed. We nailed this one guys. But I do want to talk to you about something that I saw a few articles of you this week

on the daily fail and maybe that has contributed to why you were feeling a little bit down because they were shit yes they do you want to talk about it because i want to address it well yeah look um for anyone who listened to last week's episode where we spoke about i spoke about sex after having a baby because people asked us to speak about that totally and it's relatable and normal don't get me wrong i genuinely don't care what is written about this podcast because i know that we come to it from a space where what we talk about is stuff that is completely relative and i know that when after i had had marley or whilst i was pregnant there were so many weird and wonderful things that were going on with my body that i was like god i just wish that someone was talking

about this because what is the big deal what is the big deal talking about all the weird shit that happens during pregnancy there isn't but you know what it is if you listen to the podcast you'll know that like it's light-hearted we're taking the piss a little bit they're all listening to the podcast if they're here well yeah it's true so for you guys who are listening to the podcast you know that we say this stuff in jest but I think sometimes when something is said and then it is transcribed and written in an article it reads very differently so some of these articles that came out over the last couple of days were not particularly flattering and also they were just kind of try to like drag down the fact that we're we're really open with the conversations

that we're having and we're really open and sharing our life experiences i did cop a bit of hate from some people who had read the daily mail articles and taken them verbatim and then felt the need to very aggressively attack me in my dms on instagram about how i baby trapped matt oh what a lol you baby trapped matt i mean you guys were together for two years before he is Very, very stuck guys. I couldn't, I just told him not to leave the house today. Actually love. He's at home right now, trapped with the baby. His response. He posted a photo and he was like, Hey guys, here I am trapped in my

loving relationship. I was like, good on you, Matt. We really love sharing our life experiences and sharing what happens with you. And we know that you listen to this podcast because you appreciate it as well. I guess, you know, at the end of the day, we're both human and we're not impenetrable. And yeah, I was having, I was going to make a sick joke there but like I just I was talking about sex that's what got me into this problem in the first place uh yeah so look that got me a little bit down yesterday and you know I think for the most part we try and stay super positive but every so often people's opinions do kind of kind of creep through and I think I was a little bit affected by it well yeah and that is so normal

you're human and people will be nasty but we do want to make this relatable and we do want to share parts of our life and don't get us wrong there's a lot we will not share like we're not gonna we don't want to rip our whole life open and tell you but if we think that something is relatable and it's going to make you feel more human and it's going to help anyone in any way we're going to talk about it and i'm sorry but talking about getting back into sex after having a baby there's nothing more relatable and i think people that want to shame you for that can go take a hike they can go eat a dick I was gonna say that but I chose take a hike instead thanks for that and I appreciate that Brittany and I also like genuinely to everybody who has written really

wonderful comments to me because it's not that I've only received negativity from that I've received a lot of really really awesome messages from people being like hey in the same boat sister really appreciate your vulnerability and your openness on this but I genuinely think what is the big deal guys like it's just sex and we can talk about it and it doesn't need to be something that turns into a media circus and if it helps you um in any way feel better somebody told me that i sounded nasally here we are here we are guys just having a winch i mean if i do i'm sorry but like far out gotta girl some slack if that's the worst thing about me then i'm pretty happy speaking through your diaphragm i'm going to open my diaphragm i could talk like this as i sound

better oh now i'm british absolutely not because now i'm british please stop doing that right now i mean yeah guys give us a break babe how was your week my week's been really good oh my god you know what i want to do tell you what i want to do tell you i want to know what's happening with meat raffle guys can i just tell you one secret which brute can get angry at me about when we were in the car on the way here when we were in the car on the way here yesterday she had meat raffle on loudspeaker so i like slipped into the car thinking that this was just one of her mates or something. And no, it was a meat raffle. They were just having a cute little chat. You know what I want to point out? Yes. That was a safe space. The reason I allowed

him to be on loudspeaker was because I'm like, cool. I trust Laura. And then pow, you throw it on the Blarney podcast. Oh, I'm really sorry. Why would I mislead you in thinking that you could trust me with this information? Everything we do is for this podcast. What are you talking about? I talked about my vagina last episode. You, we were going to talk about meat raffle. god damn it well i did go on a date with meet raffle again he's great he's really nice but we're just taking it super super slow you just said nice we do talk about this in our upcoming episode we're talking about the nice guy guys i did nice guy i said the n word you did all right but first before we get into the app you have something to share with us oh is that the

accidentally unfiltered thing it certainly is great i was hoping you'd ask brit's like so stoked about this new segment that she's brought to the podcast which is basically when you find yourself in a situation uh for example you mean to send a text which is what brit did to her sister she meant to send an ugly photo of herself to her sister and she sent it to meet raffle so when you find yourself in these really compromising situations where you accidentally unfiltered yourself we've been getting you guys have been writing into us on our instagram with all of your stories and they're great. I broth it so hard. It's like my favorite thing to read. Britt's got one. I haven't heard this one yet. So this is the first for me as well.

Okay. So this girl wrote in, she's like, Hey, so I got on a train and I sat down and there was an empty seat next to me and just thought she was in for a nice little alone train ride. And in walks the hottest guy and sits down next to her. So of course she gets on the phone to text her friend to say oh my god the hottest guy just sat next to me on the train when she went to press send she somehow pressed siri like siri speak into google and siri out loud in the whole train read oh my god the hottest guy just sat next to me on the train and the hot guy next to her on the train just looked at her like what the fuck and she's like i just wanted to die i wanted to bury myself underneath the train look i mean what did it work out for her did she end up getting a

date? Or was this guy just like, I am getting up at the next stop and get me out of the situation. I actually don't know. And if, if you are listening, can you tell me, did you get, what happened with that? She didn't finish it. She just said that she nearly died. So I'm going to assume it didn't turn into love, but I actually love that. Can you imagine? Because you know, when you're on those train carriages, you're not alone. There's all these segmented people and it's quite quiet. Just imagine if it was a silent carriage. play it cool girlfriend play it cool guys keep making sure you write in your accidentally unfiltered if you ever do anything that's just like makes you look like a fucktard because god

we love it well yeah because we are 100 exactly the same the one thing that you can revel in is that your accidentally unfiltered shit will not end up on daily mail yeah but ours does so guys maybe we should get started on what this episode is going to be for you all today for you all. So after listening to the Hottest 100 and Billie Eilish winning with her song Bad Guy, I had this like eureka moment and I thought, you know what we should talk about? We should talk about bad guys. And why do really nice, very intelligent women choose bad men? And is it true that nice guys always finish last? Well, I think it is true that nice guys always finish last. and i actually love the idea of talking about this topic there's so much to unpack in it

and i'm the worst for it but everybody has goes through these um moments in life or periods of life where you do just keep going for the wrong bad men absolutely and i think this was something that was so relative to both of us and we've both gone through this in our dating lives where i know for me it was more like patent behavior where i kept on dating the same type of guy expecting a different outcome. But in essence, those boys, I won't call them men, were very, very bad for me. They were bad for my emotional health. And I think, you know, sometimes you need to kind of step out of yourself and break down a situation and ask yourself, why, why are you attracting these guys? And also why are you accepting these guys into your life

as well? I do have a hard time actually with the comment, with the statement, bad men, always bad boys what you gonna do I knew it wasn't going to take long for me to start singing continue I know and it's always so bad um no like but I have I have a hard time with the concept of like why do I attract bad men because it's not necessarily bad or wrong men if you break it down 99.9% of the men you date are going to be the wrong man because you're only ever going to have one right man that you marry and have your life with so two or three depends on who you are but yeah look I mean there's not that many of them at the end of the day okay let's go to 99.5 I'll drop it by 0.4%. Perfect. But we're going to date these people and they're always going to

be the wrong man until one day it's not. But it's the idea of what you accept. Do you know what I mean? Totally. And who you're pursuing and why are you pursuing them as well? Why is the big one? So I think that one of the biggest reasons in this, and what we're going to do is we're kind of going to unpack and break down each reason as to why we think that this occurs and why we seem to like date bad guys. And you know what, when we say bad guys, look, some of them are actually bad guys. They might cheat on you. They might be aloof. They might be emotionally unavailable. They may play like yoga games with your feelings. So that all in essence is someone who is bad for you in a relationship. Maybe they're not like bad, bad men, but in essence of when we're speaking in

a relationship terms, that's what we're referring to. So my number one is chemistry. And I think that chemistry can often really lie to us about whether or not that relationship's going to be a long-term and healthy, positive relationship. Because I don't know about you, Brittany, but I know that the relationships that I've had that have ended up being the most toxic, they started out the most intense. I had the most crazy, intense chemistry connection with that person. But the issue with that sort of level of intensity is that it makes it very easy for you to overlook their flaws. And it makes it very easy for you to kind of ignore all the red flags because you're being totally pushed forward in that relationship by your feelings, not actually by the character

or by the physical actions of that person. Are you trying to say that you can confuse that insane, intense, immediate chemistry with love? Like this is a love I haven't had before? Oh, absolutely. You're like, I'm so in love with this person. Not even in love. Like I'm obsessed with this person, just crazy intensity that almost feels a little bit erratic and makes you feel a little bit insane. And I don't think that that is love. I think that that is actually a bit dangerous. And if you're feeling that at the very beginning of a relationship, like stay woke ladies, because it may be that this is great, but it may also be some signals to you and to your body that this is a little bit dangerous because this is adrenaline. It's not so much love.

And I guess sometimes you will meet somebody and have that insane immediate chemistry. I think everyone's experienced it. Sometimes you meet that person and that will translate into a relationship, but you won't be up at night being like, well, why hasn't he texted me in three days? The chemistry will be there, but he will be texting you and he will be wanting to see you. And I think that's how you differentiate from that chemistry being like a toxic love or a real appreciation and respect that's going to develop into love.

like it's the it's the characteristics in the early stages of dating each other that are really going to define is he just like a fuck boy that you know that you're obsessed with but he doesn't want anything from you or is he somebody that's obsessed with you and you're obsessed with him equally and there's a respect that's going to continue into a relationship so I think you need to be able to tell by his actions and what he's saying and what he's doing immediately as to whether that's going to be like that toxic, all-consuming love, you know? Totally. But I do also think that you kind of need to keep your wits about you a little bit

because if you fall into that too quickly and you're completely driven by the chemistry and that intense feeling that you have for someone, like I said, it's really easy to then overlook the things that are not right or not consistent. And, you know, it's very possible to have crazy intense chemistry with someone and have a fucking terrible relationship with them. so I don't think that chemistry is necessarily a very good indicator for a long-term relationship

it's important don't get me wrong I'm not out here saying that you need to go and date it like a bloody sandbag sack that you have no feelings for you want to have some chemistry but you also want chemistry that you're in control of and that isn't all consuming of you to a point where it makes you feel crazy because I think if you feel crazy in a relationship then that is an indication that that's not the right relationship there's no stability in that for long term I read this quote that said, it's your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. I think a lot of people have been in that situation where you know that their behavior and you know that the red flags that they're giving you are so wrong. Like you

should be running the opposite direction, but the feelings that you have totally take control of everything. And you're like, no, we'll just get through this. We'll just get through this next problem and then we'll be good. And we'll just get through this next problem and then we'll be good. and maybe you're breaking up and getting back together and there's this constant yo-yoing feeling but it's not being driven by what they're actually doing and their actions and their commitment to the relationship it's driven by this like crazy feeling that you get and so it's driven by hormones it's driven by chemistry when it hits you and it bowls you over as much as it's a beautiful feeling you also have to stay very woke to that feeling as well and really assess the

signals when they come. Oh, two of the relationships that I have had in my life that I have had the most intense chemistry with like day dot. I was like, this is insane. You're like, I'm going to marry this guy. This is my soulmate. A hundred percent. I'm like, how can we have this? Like, this is, this is who I've been looking for. And they have both been the worst, most toxic relationships. And they went for so long because I didn't know what I know now. And like talking about these sort of things now this is why we talk about it so people can listen and have this moment where they're like oh my god that's me i wasted so much time and energy and tears and emotions because i just was like the chemistry is there he's the one but nothing else was fucking

there like there was no respect there was nothing and it was the most volatile roller coaster of a relationship but also just with what you've said once you've made that decision up i know i've done this before on like first, second date, I've made that decision up so early that I'm like, I want this person. These feelings I have, they can't be wrong. This person is meant to be in my life. And so because I've actively made that decision, then I create and make the relationship happen. You do then choose to stay longer than you should have. And you do choose to pursue it and choose to try and like mend something or fit a triangle into a square purely based off the fact that you had this intensity and this like day dot feeling. So I think sometimes you just have to

step outside yourself a little bit and really assess the feelings that you have and figure out is this based on words or is this based on actions? And if it's not based in actions and it's not based in consistency, then God, that is a massive red flags guys. Here we are. This is why you're dating a bad guy. I think for chemistry. So maybe in those early days when you meet someone just like be a bit smart about it like Laura said be a bit woke and just really try to work out how it's making you feel if you're straight up feeling anxious and waiting for him to text and you're not comfortable with it I just probably move on that great quote when someone shows you who they are the first time believe them so if he's not replying to you or he's like

making you wait he's emotionally unavailable just because you feel a lot for him don't do it to yourself don't put yourself in a situation where you're pushing a relationship to happen you need to base it on actions and I think that that is so paramount in making good decisions that will set you up for having a long-term relationship if that's what you're wanting absolutely and that is going to take us into our next point do you always go for men that are emotionally unavailable because that is what I do all right come at me with this Brittany if that's your sort of issue that you think you're having like unpack that for me I have and I've only discovered this in the last year because a few of my good friends including Laura mainly my sister

and my other best friend they have pointed out to me in the last year that I just have this super bad habit of being super attracted and wanting to pursue something with people that I know are emotionally unavailable or actually just like physically unavailable like literally maybe they live in Japan I don't know like but it's what I do I find this person that I know can't give me what I need and I'm like oh my god I'm so into this but is it also because you enjoy the challenge of it as well or do you think it's because they are emotionally unavailable so then therefore you don't have to make any real commitments or life changes to accommodate them I think it's a bit of a bit of b I think we're like men I don't think we can just say men are such assholes men

make us work for it blah oh no if there's so many fuck girls as well and like I've said in past episodes I have definitely been that person before I've treated guys just as badly as they've treated me yeah I mean last episode you were saying you had that moment but like you learned you were young and you learn from that totally and like we all go through that but i think that women love the chase as much as men do and i think that that's probably what i've always done but i think deep down i was going for these people that were unavailable over and over and over again because i wasn't ready in myself but i didn't know that and by going for someone who who was also emotionally unavailable it was an excuse almost 100 like he did it again like why can't i find anyone but deep

down I think I just didn't want to find anyone either well you're self-sabotaging you're setting yourself up it for a relationship that literally cannot work and will not work but you're hoping for it to be the exception almost I think we need to look at ourselves and you need to assess why it's patterned behavior if you know you are constantly going for the guy that has said to you straight up I'm not looking for anything I can't have a relationship run right now because of ABC but you still find yourself saying oh this is the one like I'm going to work on this I'm going to change it you're like personal challenge I am going to pursue this here I come but if you're constantly doing that so you need to sort of take note of that and take control of that if

you're constantly doing that you need to look a bit deeper into yourself and be like okay am I doing this so I can blame them for me never finding anyone when really inside of you you're not there yet maybe they're your last relationship maybe you haven't healed from that yet or maybe you have other things from your past that you need to deal with maybe you haven't been on your own long enough and you don't love yourself when you've got low self-esteem like there is a reason that you are constantly going for people that are unavailable and I think you need to figure that out first before you can do anything else well this was an exact conversation I was having with a girlfriend recently who had said to me and this kind of was also what spurred on this topic today

she was like I just can't find a good guy like I cannot find a good guy was this me no that it was very similar conversations to the ones we have I cannot find a good guy like all guys are jerks. Why do I attract such like jerky, jerky blokes? And I was thinking about it and I was like, well, you, you don't like, you have these nice guys who have messaged you and you have these lovely people who have slid into your DMs, but you don't even give them the time of day because you, you want the craziness at the start. You want this like total intensity and maybe like the nice normal guy who's going to give you a stable relationship where your relationship and those feelings will build at a normal pace. You don't even give him a look in because you're like

that is boring. That is settling. But you know what? I guarantee you like, yes, maybe in comparison to the crazy highs and lows you're having right now, maybe it seems boring and maybe you think that love needs to be all consuming, crazy intensity for it to actually be love. But I guarantee you that you have way more chance of having something that's stable and committed and really fulfilling because you will build that relationship together because you're both wanting the same thing rather than chasing old mate fuck boy who just is running around being a fuck boy yeah who's not replying to you and keeping you awake all night and leaving you on red leaving you on red when you're like i know you read the message and then you've just marked it to unread

all the guys who are like i'm sorry my phone died mate your phone did not die for four days i sent a message to a guy the other day somebody that i had sort of been seen on instagram and then i was like oh i just can't be bothered to do that so i unsent it because he hadn't seen it are you sure he hadn't seen it well then he was well it wasn't read so maybe he read it and put it and then put it back on unread because so then i was like he hasn't read it i'm not gonna go there unsent it and then he wrote to me and said what did you unsend and i was like what are you talking about send you a picture of my boobs sorry mate i thought better of it oh it was so ridiculous but in relation to what you just said about your friend

saying why do i attract bad men i used to think like that i used to think i only attract assholes but since i've been doing a lot of research and working on myself i have changed the way i think and i have realized you don't attract these people you accept them so good people and bad people are walking past you on the street all day preach sister but you're only you don't have to accept that fuck boy you absolutely don't you can accept the good one that's a foot behind him on the pavement but you don't you accept in these people and then you go woe is me I'm only attracting bad people and I used to do that until now I just don't let those people in anymore you absolutely just hit the nail on the head and that is exactly what I was trying to explain to my girlfriend who

was saying that she attracts bad guys I was like you don't attract bad guys you attract the whole plethora of men you just only want a bad guy like you're they're the only ones that you reply to because they make you work so hard for it and so that brings me to my next point love it what is it that is that i really do think that some people get trapped in a cycle where they are emotional junkies and they really love crazy high intensities that comes from unstable toxic relationships and i think that's something that i have been guilty of in the past whereas i i was addicted to the high because when it was good it was so so good but then the flip side of having a relationship that has those intense highs is the fact that there has to be the opposite. There's always a yin to

the yang. So you're going to have the most intense lows as well. And it just is so exhausting and it's so dramatic. And this constant feeling of not knowing whether you're going to be happy or sad or in between today based off somebody else's actions, it just makes you feel so insane. I think that might be an age thing as well. Like you want that in your life. You want the excitement you want the challenge and the older you get you just don't want it anymore like I was telling you about that person that texted me the other day remember and they said something I didn't like and I was like okay bye I can't deal with this anymore like one thing whereas the old me used to be like oh I love this and like let's argue about this point for a while and like you'll come

back and beg me for forgiveness and then I'll do this and now I'm like I'm too tired bye you kind of just get over it and you do learn some life lessons for every bad relationship that you might go through, if you take something away from it and go, I am never going to put myself in that situation again, eventually you do get to a point where you're like, oh, I don't suffer bullshit anymore. I'm not going to put up with that. Kind of sometimes go through these crappy relationships to learn some really valuable life lessons. And it sets you up for having a much more like profoundly fulfilling relationship down the track. I don't regret, I have been through so many shit freaking relationships, but I don't regret a thing. That is where the podcast came from guys.

But I don't regret it because the idea is you learn from it and that's how you know what and who and where you want to go in life. So I know what I want now because of the stuff that I've been through. And that's why I think it's important to be able to go through these. I think everyone's going to go through these ups and downs and I think you need to. It's just that you need to know when to call it and when to look after yourself. I am still, and you will know this, so I've been single, you know, 10 years, dating so much. I give advice out, but even the other day I was telling you about a story about this guy that I'd, you know, been seeing, I was interested in, and you still said to me, babe, there's a lot of red flags here. Like why? And I'm still like,

yeah, but like, let's give it a go. Like I'm still that person. Like you don't know him. And I know who you're talking about, but you don't know him at all. Really? You only know the little bits of information that he's given you. But the feeling that you have when you first met him was what makes you go, oh my God, this guy's incredible. And so then when he starts doing things that are a little bit sort of like, well, when he starts doing things that show the red flags and he starts acting in a way that's not how you want to be treated, you're like, oh, but you know what? I'll forgive this one because I feel so strongly for him and feeling strongly for someone and having that chemistry is not enough. Yeah. So my point is you, you do learn from your mistakes,

but you do get, I'm at a point now where I know, I know the red flags, whereas I never used to see them. At least I see them now and I assess them in a different way. And I think that's the difference. and then I'll make an educated chemistry-filled decision. Yes, you're very scientific. Thank you for that, Brittany. But I want to get into the next point now. You just mentioned it and that's the idea of we want to be the person or we feel like we can change someone.

Guilty. Like you meet somebody and you're like, oh, my God, they're almost perfect but they do this as, you know, that they're still partying every weekend but I know that once I'm with them for just a little bit, I can make them fall in love with me and they'll want to sit at home and knit and have tea with me every single weekend and love me. It doesn't happen. It doesn't.

I know that for all of these situations, there are some exceptions, but as a general rule, do you really want to like waste time and put your life on hold? Just hoping that you're the exception. I mean, what's that, that's what's that book and that TV show. You'd like, he's just not that into you. He's just not that into you. Like if a guy is treating you in a way that makes you constantly feel insecure and feel anxious and keeps you up at nighttime, he's just not that into you. If a guy wants to see you, he will see you. He will find the time in his busy ass schedule to see you. If he wants to message you, he's got a phone and he's got your number. He will message you. So when the girl's like, I don't know if he likes me. Like I haven't heard from him and he

hasn't responded to my message. I'm like, well, you know what? I'm going to be blunt. Chances are he doesn't. And sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow, right? Like that's not what you want to hear. You want to hear maybe he is busy. Maybe his cat died. Maybe he's just like had so much work and next week it's going to be different. But often guys do this thing like bread crumbing, where they just like text you just enough to keep your hopes up and they give you a crumb and a crumb, but never enough to make you full. Never enough to actually make you feel loved. I'm so hungry right now. All I can think of is like some crumbed chicken. I haven't had lunch yet. There you go. I was starving too. Yeah. Bread crumbing. It's a thing. Bread crumbing. So they give you

enough to like, just keep you on the hook. And it's because they are getting attention from you. They're getting validation from you. Your messages make them feel good. And that little bit of attention leaves you thinking or questioning or wondering like, maybe they do like me. Maybe they do want to be with me. Maybe this could be something if I just hang on and eat one more crumb, like it might turn into the loaf of bread. It's about to turn that water to wine, baby. If you're sitting there wondering if a guy likes you, or if a guy wants to see you, if he has made you feel so unsure, if he wants to see you, there's your answer. It doesn't need to be so complicated. And I think sometimes we complicate things because we're not getting the

outcome that we want. A hundred percent. There's always an excuse. And I used to be really bad for this. Actually. I used to take it very personally. If I went on a date or a few dates with somebody and I thought it went really well. And then they weren't interested. I used to be like, what's wrong with me? It's me. It's me. And like, I used to go into this downward, what can I do to improve it? Where did I go wrong? But now I got to this point where I realized there are billions of people in the world. It's highly likely the person you just went on a date with is not going to be the person for you. And that is not a personal thing. So I think these, I think women need to stop being so hard on themselves when a guy's like, I'm not interested

in you. Cool. That's fine. Because there's going to be someone you haven't been interested in before. You've gone on dates. I can guarantee it. You can all think of someone right now you've been on a date with and he's been keen and you're like oh i'm just not into it i think another thing that we do as women and that has to stop because this is going to give you a long life of singledom is go and look and search for the perfect person and the perfect relationship because honey they do not exist oh my god don't you feel like we're giving such conflicting information now we're like guys if things aren't great you need to leave but also don't expect perfect it's just a really confused shit up for you it sounds conflicting but you need to be with

someone, they're not going to be perfect, but you don't want to change them. The little things that annoy you, they might chew with their mouth open. That's what annoys me. They might chew with their mouth open. Okay. That's great. You're not going to, it's not a deal breaker. I'm probably going to ask the guy to stop chewing with his mouth open. I mean, I would as well, but I'd wait for like 10 days. Probably wouldn't even wait for 10 days. That shit is really gross. But then don't you think like in modern dating these days that there has become this like concept that unless love is so intense like unless it it has this crazy all-encompassing nature to it that you're settling and I think that if you're in one of these toxic all-encompassing relationships

it's very easy to convince yourself that well this is what love is and these feelings are what I'm living for because they really make you feel alive holy shit they make you feel alive and if you don't have that then the relationship must not be as good or it must just be settling because I know that that's exactly how I used to feel, especially when I was in the throes of it. But now that I'm in a relationship with someone who I, who I love more than anything, and I had the stability and I have the comfort of that relationship, you know, I don't have the crazy highs, but I also don't have the lows. And it's really amazing to be in a relationship where, where I know that my happiness is not constantly affected by the relationship. I'm in control of my happiness. I'm a happy person.

Matt's a happy person and we can come together and be happy together it's not we're not trying to change anything about the other person we're not trying to control each other in any way there's a real even kilter to it and and I think that that's what's different when you go from having a toxic relationship to having something that's way more stable is that you're both on an even playing field there's mutual respect in that you've got another point that I think is really big and I think this is it's self-worth there's a very deep topic but that feeling that you don't feel like you're deserving of a great love. You don't feel like you're deserving of happiness. You don't feel like you're good enough for that human. I think we've all been through that at

some stage. I know I definitely did for a long time. And I think this is a big reason why a lot of relationships don't work for women because they don't think that they deserve that happiness. So you can set those standards for yourself and say, you know what? No, I would rather be single than to accept someone that treats me like this. You will continue to put yourself in situations where you're not treated the way that you deserve. I think I even said this to you. I remember saying, and it wasn't that long ago, somebody that wanted to take me out on a date.

And I remember saying to you, and I said it to the guy as well, which was so bad. I said, I just don't get it. Like, I don't get why you would want to date me. And I said to you, I don't get why this guy would want to date me. Like, I just couldn't understand it. And that's so wrong.

That was me projecting on myself being like, I'm not good enough. I'm not attractive enough. I'm not funny enough. And that is the worst thing you can do because you're projecting this negative energy and you're taking that out into the world. You're telling the universe that you're not enough. You're going to take that energy on the date. He's going to realize that you think you're not enough and the date's never going to go anywhere.

The relationship's never going to go anywhere. I should have just accepted that somebody wanted to take me out. And I said, cool, there's obviously a reason he wants to. And I'm at that point now because I've learned from that. And I've realized that if you can't be happy in yourself and love yourself. No one else is going to. I totally agree with this. And I think that if you're constantly accepting someone into your life who doesn't treat you the way that you deserve to be treated, then you really need to take some time to reflect. One, is it because you don't think that you're worthy of a great love or you don't think that somebody else out there will treat you better? Or is it too,

because you're scared of being alone? Because I do think that sometimes we put up with absolutely bullshit in our relationships because there is this innate fear that we're going to end up alone. And I don't think that you can be driven by that fear because the truth is, is if you stay in a bad relationship because you're scared of being alone, you're 100% never going to be in a good relationship. Oh, and maybe this is you, but if it's not you, we all know somebody that does it. I know you used to do it, Laura, and that's the monkey branching because you are scared to be alone. You won't end your relationship until you've found another one to go to. You can't just jump from relationship to relationship to fill a void because chances are that's what you're doing

also like with that with like trying to monkey branch the issue with monkey branching this is what I found when I was doing it in my relationships is that you're not giving enough time between the end of one bad relationship and the beginning of the next to actually sit down and go why didn't that work and what do I want out of my next relationship and what will I do differently and you know what what won't I accept from my next relationship so you haven't had time to actually learn the lessons process the lessons and make changes you then end up projecting the exact same relationship that you've just had into your new relationship and so maybe you're dating guys that have eerily similar characteristics and then you're getting the same outcome every time

if you're filling a void and being with somebody because you need someone in in your life and you don't feel whole without them that's very different to being in a place where you're happy and saying, I just want someone now. I don't need them. You need, I cannot stress, it's my biggest thing. I can't stress it enough. You need to be okay on your own and you can't date somebody to fill a hole. It will never, ever work. You don't want to date somebody that's a caretaker. You don't want to look after them and they don't want to have to look after you. You don't want to have to fix them. You don't want them to fix you. You want to be so fine on your own. They need to be fine on their own. Then you meet and you're like, oh, you both add something

to my life. You don't fill the hole, but you add. Okay. So Britt, so we've talked about dating bad guys and like why we have this repetitive cyclical nature and, you know, picking the same types of bad guys. And I know that we talked a little bit about sort of settling and what that looks like, but what are your thoughts on dating the nice guy? Oh, I feel so sorry for the nice guy because he comes out on top in the end because the nice guy is the guy that you're going to marry and you're going to end up with but he gets pushed to the side a lot in the younger years because i think women don't find him to be a challenge they find them too agreeable and they find them boring well it's almost like when we're younger we meet the nice guy and then we're like hey

come with me into the friend zone yeah i mean you're a great guy but i mean i'm not attracted to you i'm not like sexually for you so i'm gonna date this asshole over here so i do think that you know like we said there does come this this like life lessons that you need to go through before you start to really appreciate guys who treat you the way that you need to be treated. But I also think that the nice guy and that name in itself, they kind of get a bit of a bad run, hey?

Like when you say like- Yeah, it's like seem pleasant, but you're a bit of a loser or you're pleasant, but you know what? Like there's absolutely no way that I'm gonna date you. So I don't think that if you call a nice guy, it has very nice connotations attached to it. But I-

It's like calling someone cute. No guy wants to be called cute. No. They don't want to be called nice and they don't want to be called cute. They want to be like sexy and like rough and manly, but no one wants to be like, oh, he's so cute. But isn't that bad? Because then that's like the expectations that we've put onto this.

We're like, you want a man that's like really manly, but then maybe part of that really manliness is like also treating people not that great because like that's really manly. Exactly. I don't want a guy who's doing that. I want like, I want a nice guy who's going to fucking drink tea with me. No, I want nice and cute now. I'm at that point.

I want nice and cute. But that's what I'm saying. I don't think it needs to be one or the other. I don't think it needs to be nice and boring. I don't think that that is what a nice guy is. And that is definitely not what we're saying on this podcast. We're not saying that you should put your standards aside and date someone who you have no chemistry with. We're not saying that you should date someone who has been in the friend zone and you're going to like trudge down in the trenches and drag him up because you've exhausted all other options. If you do meet a guy and he does tick your boxes and you do have an attraction with him,

but you know what maybe you don't have that crazy intensity straight off the bat give him a go go on the second date go on the third date because I do genuinely believe that feelings develop they don't have to be there at that intensity on day dot I think maybe we have covered a lot right about why we continuously attract the bad man and I think there's a lot of really good points that we tried to talk about personal experiences we did a lot of research on it but what I think is important now is to talk about how to break that cycle if you are constantly doing it yeah maybe you're sitting there after this episode going shit so there are a few things that you can do and to start with it's they're not complicated they're pretty self-explanatory you need to break down

why you're doing it first of all so definitely break down why you're doing it but like we said sit down and write down your list about what you're looking for in a guy and write down your list about what was bad about your past relationship and the red flags that you don't want in the next relationship. And then you have to stick by that. It's very easy to like make some rules for yourself in like the world of dating. And then as soon as you're in your next relationship and those feelings take over to kind of turn a blind eye again. So you do have to be strict with yourself and go, nope, not going to waste time. This guy has already done his dash. Writing down is actually really important because as soon as you get something out of your brain,

you put it onto paper you can reflect on it you can look back at it it's actually a really powerful tool so write down what you don't like something's happened to you in that relationship where it went wrong what you didn't like about it then the next time you find yourself in that think back to your list and say is it the same thing am i doing the same thing again chances are you are then it's just about being strong enough to say i'm not accepting that into my life anymore and you just don't go there. Totally. And I think it's all well and good to kind of blame it on the guy as well and be like, oh, like these guys treat me badly and I keep dating the same type of guy. And why do I attract such assholes? There does come a point, and this is a bit of hard love,

but there does come a point when you have to accept responsibility for the way you're allowing someone to treat you. Because yes, maybe the first time, the first time is totally on them. But if you've forgiven them and you've allowed them to continue to treat you that way by staying in the relationship, there does come a point where some of that responsibility has to be taken by you because you're allowing them to stay in your life. You're allowing that behavior. And now I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about things like domestic violence. I'm not talking about things that are that level of intensity, because I think that there is a whole nother level of manipulation and psychology that goes on there. But I'm talking about

accepting poor behavior, like a guy who's cheating on you or their aloofness or their emotional unavailability. If you're accepting that from them and you're doing it repeatedly, expecting a different outcome, that does come a point where you have to take some responsibility because ultimately you are in control. And that is the biggest thing. You are in control. You do not have to continue it. You do not have to text back. You do not have to be in that slump. It's all you. But it takes a shit ton of self-control to do that, you know, and sometimes it is easier to fall back into what is familiar and breaking up with someone who you're still in love with is the hardest thing to do of all and that brings me to my last point and that is just to be bloody

blatantly honest with yourself if you haven't healed from something in the past focus on that you need to heal yourself and then you can go and date again because it's never ever ever going to work if you are still holding on to some other relationship or some damage could even be from your childhood like it could go back a long way but it's just about being raw and honest with yourself amen sister i don't think that's a wrap on that one laura oh guys don't date bad men stay away from fuck boys and give the good guy a go yeah let's not call him the nice guy i feel like it's like a cheap shot let's call him the good guy well it is time for one of my favorite segments and that is suck and sweet where we break down

the best is there your phone i started playing oh my god it started playing canter oh my god it's alec baldwin's podcast guys i listen to alec baldwin if you haven't listened to him he's brilliant i love you just halfway through our episode just have your phone on full volume hey guys actually it's called i might as well tell you he's alex alec baldwin's podcast is called here's the thing he's such a brilliant interviewer you would never know and his podcast is super interesting. So maybe there's a sign that that just started playing in the middle of the podcast, but let's get into suck and sweep. We break down the best and the worst parts of our week and we just nut it out with each other. So Laura, you can go first. What was your suck?

My suck is, oh, I just hate being so, so whingy. Everyone in our house has been sick this week. It's been very interesting having a baby because this is the first time that Molly's actually been sick or had the cold or anything. It's been, oh my God, anyone who has kids who has sick kids knows that they don't sleep at all so trying to just function on zero sleep with a snotty baby who's really unhappy when we've all been sick as well wow just wow and you guys were proper sick like us like you yesterday oh my goodness you look like the walking dead a little bit thank you thank you so much for that that made me feel better yeah i just appreciated your illness but also matt has had man flu and so his has been the worst obviously yeah it's been really bad

yeah poor thing i hope he's doing okay yeah no he's gonna survive i think he think he's on the now but like honestly this week has just knocked us everyone sideways so the flu then coming in yesterday and trying to record and us just losing our minds a little bit uh yeah having a moment having a moment that was my suck my sweet this week is do you know what this is a bad sweet because it'll probably be my sweet next week as well but meredith first soda's about to start And I'm so excited. Is that actually your sweet? Yes, I've had a really shitty week.

You're a sicko. I can't. You know how sick I am for Married at First Sight. Maths is like, it makes me so happy on some weird existential level. I love it so much. I am going to tell you, I don't know if I've ever told you this. We, guys, we will be doing little breakdowns and recaps of Married at First Sight. But I need to be honest with you, Laura.

You haven't watched it. I know. I know. Not even one episode. Never in my life. You are not my person right now, Brittany. You're not my person. So that is my sweet, that Mavs is starting next week.

And also very conflicted because Mavs and Survivor are starting on the same night, Brittany. They are premiering on the same... What am I going to do with my life? Why would they do that to us? I don't understand. Maybe we have to conquer and divide. You watch Survivor, I'll watch Mavs, and then we can come back and report. What a conundrum.

Yes. Yes, it is. A pickle-dickle, if you might have. A pickle-dickle conundrum. What was your suck and sweet? My suck this week would probably be that I had a moment yesterday that after your moment, we moment squared. Do you think it was because I was in such a feral mood

that I brought you down? Sorry about that. No, I don't think you brought me down, but it was my week in general and then that was a top off and then I hit my head. Oh, just. It was so the drama. For anyone who's listening to this who's actually had a really shit week is going to be like these girls are so out of touch.

No, because we did have shit weeks. we just don't we're not going to go into depth but I'm just saying it's so funny when there's that tiny little icing on the cake and I bumped my head and I was like oh I can't deal with it I've lost it I've lost it all and so that was my little suck um but my sweet was probably so um I've been living out my you may have remembered my 2020 resolutions the no sugar one no not the no sugar because you did a rock up yesterday with a magnum in your car so I was gonna say that is definitely not something that you were abiding that was actually my second magnum of the day i don't know i love it come at me girl i don't know what's wrong with me i am not pregnant

before i say this but i it's like i'm eating for two people i i just want to eat everything you know when you go through those phases maybe you're going through growth spurt please don't hope not unless it's up sideways not upwards all my boobs boobs or up and that's it um so no that's not the resolution the resolution i have been doing is i went surfing because i said i wanted to surf more and I got these two awesome waves and I caught them all the way in. Tubular. Hubra. Laura, people haven't said that since like 1600s.

Tubular. I'm sorry, but no, you're a nerd burger. No, I'm vetoing that immediately. Oh, maybe I've got one on the board now that I'm allowed to say. Yes, you definitely cannot say tubular in relation to anything in the whole world. Okay, I'm sorry, Lola Derby. Okay, continue.

We also need to talk about how you can use that and that's not it. I think that's it, guys. Thank you so much for listening. We hope you got something from today. Yeah, look, I mean, I know it's a bit of a heavy episode. I'm sure that some people are probably in situations themselves right now, dating guys who probably aren't the best people for them. But you know what? We've all been through it. And hopefully this in some small way makes you think, you know what? I deserve better than this. And if you have just come out of one of these relationships, maybe you'll think, okay, I'm going to prioritize what I want and I want better for myself than that. Guys, if you enjoyed the episode, you know the drill. Follow us on

at Life Uncut Podcast and also send us your questions for Ask Uncut episode because we freaking love receiving the questions that you guys send in. We love that you guys have all of these issues. Not that we love that you're going through bad stuff, but we love that we can relate And we also really appreciate that you trust us with our opinions and you trust us with our advice. So keep those questions coming. And definitely keep the accidentally unfiltered section coming in because by God, it's my favorite thing reading how messed up you guys are.

Fritz sends them to me in text messages because she's so obsessed with this. Because I love that you send us this as well. So what I will ask you guys to do, because we do get so many hundreds of messages. If you have a question for Ask Uncut at the top, just say Ask Uncut. if it's a funny, accidentally unfiltered, just say accidentally unfiltered because it definitely helps. Basically Brit can't spend like half her day going through all of your messages. And essentially this is, this is her doing her bookkeeping and her office work on the actual podcast itself. Love you. So yeah, cut the girl a break and just prioritize what exactly the message

is. And oh my God, Laura, I can't believe we haven't said it, but guess what? We are over half a million downloads we hit 500,000 yes we did that means that we're going out for dinner guys to celebrate yeah it's going to be amazing we're gonna go somewhere fancy pants right yeah I'm gonna I want to go somewhere fancy I deserve a fancy dinner I'm gonna tell Matt to babysit yeah let's even brush our hair let's go all out oh girlfriend I might even fake tan what a day leave a review tell your friends and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.