Life Uncut - Why My Parents Tried to Kill Me. There's No Honour in Killing - Uncut with Nina Aouilk

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Today’s episode is a conversation about ‘honour killings’ with the absolutely incredible Nina Aouilk. Nina grew up in the UK. She has overcome enormous hardship and adversity to become one of the leading activists speaking out about honour killings and human trafficking. Nina is also a bestselling author,  a TEDx speaker and the founder of nonprofit End Honour Killings that provides welfare and support to the victims of attempted honour killings, gender-based violence, domestic abuse, and trauma. In this chat Nina opens up on suffering abuse at the hands of her father and his friends, being forced into a marriage as a child, and surviving an 'honour killing' attack.  In this episode we speak about: Some of the most harrowing moments from Nina’s life  How that has moulded Nina into who she is today The reality of what is happening in the homes of the places we all live Why we all need to speak up How to find the courage to rise above your adversity *This interview contains details of some distressing content. This includes emotional, sexual and physical abuse as well as mentions of suicide. If this episode brings up anything for you, you can reach out for help at 1800 RESPECT, or life line on 13 11 14.If it’s not the right time for you to listen right now, please sit this one out and we would love to have you join us again at another time.  You can find Nina's website here End Honour Killings can be found here    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and today it is just me on this episode as unfortunately Laura was unable to make it. Now today's episode is a big one. You know that we never shy away from the hard topics on Life Uncut and today is definitely no different. In fact I can say that today was probably one of the most confronting and upsetting interviews that I have personally ever done but I do think it's so important to continue to have

these conversations so that we can all work towards a safer future for women. Today I'm talking to a wonderful woman named Nina Olk. Now Nina is a mindset coach to some of the most recognized boxers, UFC fighters and entertainment personalities. She does a lot of things actually. She's a world-leading activist, a businesswoman, a mother, a best-selling author and TEDx speaker but most importantly she is a survivor. A big part of today's conversation is surrounding something we haven't ever spoken about before and it's something I'm probably embarrassed to say I didn't know enough about and that is honor killings. Now Nina was born into a cultural context where traditions clashed with personal freedom. She faced the absolute harrowing reality

of being born a girl which meant she was disadvantaged from literally her first breath. She faced a multitude of horrors growing up. She was a victim of modern day slavery and endured a life of domestic violence, multiple rapes and beatings from family members and their friends, an arranged marriage and an attempted honor killing. A life no one should have to endure, but unfortunately is still so prevalent. In Australia alone, one woman is killed every five days. Now let that sink in for a second. Every five days. I came across a video of Nina online and I just was hypnotized. I could not look away. There I was watching this woman so bravely reliving her story in the hopes of helping others. A story that is honestly hard

to fathom. She speaks about gender-based violence, cultural intelligence and reclaiming control after experiencing adversity. She's a founder of a non-profit, End Honor Killings, that provides welfare and support to these victims. I knew as I saw Nina that I wanted to help her tell her story. I took away so much from this conversation and I really hope you guys do too Nina taught me that we all need to be so much more aware of the people around us and what they may be going through and that we need to ask people if they're okay we need to ask them what's going on at home and if something is wrong if you do have any sort of feeling that something is amiss with somebody or they're going through something they shouldn't be in their own home then you need to ask them

that is something Nina really reiterated in this conversation I think Nina wonders and I definitely wondered if life would have been a little bit different if somebody did just ask that question maybe things would have changed if somebody asked that question now this interview does contain details of some very distressing content this includes emotional sexual and physical abuse as well as mentions of suicide and miscarriage if this episode brings up anything for you you can reach out for help at 1-800-RESPECT or Lifeline on 13 11 14. If it's not the right time for you to listen right now please sit this one out and we will be back with you tomorrow for Ask Uncut. Nina thank you so much for giving up your time today to come and tell your story I

imagine it can't be easy but welcome to Life Uncut. Thank you thanks for having me. Nina there is so much to your story I guess we just start back at the start can you just share a little bit about your childhood, your background, religion and the cultural context in which you grew up? Yeah, so my father and mother are from the north of India, which is called the Punjab. They moved over to the United Kingdom in the 1960s. A lot of immigrants were moving to England at that time for a better life, I guess. Historically, they came from small villages in India where there's a lot of control and there's not so much education. So things don't really changed. So whatever their forefathers did, they did and it continued. But the main

thing that they brought forward was they didn't like girls. They didn't want children that were born girls. And there's a real stigma against women. There was a real patriarchy and definitely a discrimination against girls. So my childhood was sort of, that was the foundation of my childhood, I would say, whereby the day that I was born, I was almost born into abuse because I was never going to be accepted for who I was so being an unwanted child led me to believing from a young age I was nothing I was nobody I wasn't looked after in the same way as my brothers you know there was a real difference how is it if you're born a girl you are not wanted and as we're going to go on to discuss quite often you're killed but then they expect to have women to

be able to look after the household and to sell off you know into an arranged marriage when they're older so I don't understand the balance how can you expect to have both how can you expect to not want them but also need them yeah I get this question a lot when people are commenting that how can they carry on living you know but the statistics I don't like statistics all because I never was one show that places like China for instance there's a lack of women in comparison to men so the girls when they're born they're able to marry one of many because they have choices because there's not many girls comparison to the amount of men there are but they end up marrying older men who are more established because that's the choice that their parents make for them too

but I don't understand it because I'm not them firstly secondly it's something that they continue to do and it's carried on and somewhere somewhere we'll have a daughter she'll become the bride somewhere she'll become that housekeeper the housemaker but in my particular family my father was one of seven brothers so there was more of a male presence than a female presence so I think everyone's individual each family's individual each person is individual but for my father he had this mentality that it has to be a boy we don't have girls we don't want them but there are a lot of people sadly who also think like that. So what is the difference in the word honour what does the word honor mean to you and yours compared to what it means to us my ted talk is

called there is no honor in killing because there isn't the two words just don't go together and we're taught from a young age whether you're a boy or a girl that you do everything for your parents that you have to help to upkeep this respect which is expected from your parents so that the neighbors the people from the community the people from the church the people from the towns that you know they might visit will respect your parents and they're only respected if you have good education if you're a boy if you're a girl that you look like a good girl and what they mean by look like a good girl is that you've got long hair that you don't make eye contact with people that you haven't had any boyfriends that you're a nice quiet little girl

and that's what they want that's what they create in their own families but it's a huge thing the amount of violence that's caused because of the word respect is crazy because my father used it all the time you know that you're tainting my honor you know you're ruining nobody will respect me everybody talk about me what people think because of you and I think that's such a huge societal pressure on young people that it really affects their mental health as well. Were your parents a product of an arranged marriage? they were yeah as far as I know my father was here first and then my mother came and they always spoke about how they didn't even see a photo and in those times nobody did

I think things develop as you go along in time you know like at the time they got married 14 15 was a good age to get married I think my mum was one of the later ones because she was coming abroad and she got married I think at 17 or 18 and that was quite late but it then went on to my time around the 80s girls were getting married around 16 17 if you went over that you were sort of like why is she not getting married there must be something wrong and then as time progressed you got into the 20s and now it's the 30s so things are changing along the age expectations but they're not changing with the whole what's expected of the bride what's expected of the girl that still stays so what did your childhood look like what was life like at home for you and at

school? So I've described it before, but obviously not to the Australian audience. My life was very different to my brother's. You know, that's the most significant thing I realised when I was even a really young girl. At six, I was literally kept in my room like a modern day slave. And I didn't even know that was the terminology until recently when I started working with a trafficking organisation in Switzerland that I'm now an ambassador for. And they sat me down and explained so much to me about modern day slavery and human trafficking, explaining that when you're kept in a room and you're not allowed to interact with your family, that is a form of modern day slavery. And when I was six, my routine was I would wake up really early. I think I was always very stressed

and very anxious as a child. I would wait for my mother to call me. Normally they would call me with the word witch because they didn't like to refer me as a name. I would literally run down the stairs you know I'm surprised I didn't fall and be there really obediently waiting to see what she needed me to do and she would use words like food clean and cook or come it wasn't really a conversation we were having but I was happy I was a happy child because it meant I was interacting with the family I didn't speak to them we had no verbal communication my eyes were always down but I was happy that I was there you know I was allowed to come out the room it was almost like when you've kept your dog in a room because you've got guests and you know the dog's being

too loud or something and you open the door the dog comes scarpering in that was me literally I noticed that my mother's room and brother's room is very different to mine just because when I would go and change my mum's duvet covers you know it's really hard getting that bottom sheet on especially when you've got little hands as a six-year-old I used to sort of literally bounce off the bed I mean, it's hard to put a sheet on now as an adult, let alone six. It is really difficult sometimes. But when I was six, I just used to remember how soft everything felt. You know, my mum's room, the carpet, I would squidge my feet into the carpet because it was just so soft.

And her duvet covers were really soft. And I'd look around and there'd be pictures of, I don't know, temples or just sunsets. She had lots of things in her room. I didn't have anything in my room. whereas you know my brother's door I'd always put my hand across the door and touch and stroke it as I walked past because it was a painted glossy door really nice one had a blue door one had a green door and they were just really soft doors and the contrast was I would go into my room and they were different shades of grey you know my bed was dirty it was just a mattress with no

pillow no duvet and my wardrobe was a little box it was like a little white box that I had my school uniform in my pajamas in and I kept everything tied because that was me and then I'd have a pile of books I would constantly take from school and those books really were my friends they were my savior you know I would read I would escape in that book I understand that term escape in a good book I really do because that's all I did and I would daydream all the time but the majority of the day was spent huddled up next to the door waiting to be called but I would press my ears so hard because I was so desperately wanting to be part of the family and I would listen to them watching television and think to myself you're there too you know I would imagine it and I would

imagine sitting on the sofa with them and it was looking back now it upsets me because I realized how detached I was how separated I was and you know as a child you just want to be part of a family of course so you were never if you were not cooking or cleaning or doing some sort of a chore for your family you had to be in your room if you can call it a room you were not ever allowed to sit with the family watch tv did you do you remember ever watching tv because i had my eyes down all the time sometimes when i was putting the tray food down i would glimpse over to the television you know and and see something and it all just looked very animated and magical to me it was like a little magic box but no I didn't I longed I really longed to sit with them and just

be part of their day but I was kept in my room I wasn't allowed to come it wasn't an option for me Nina why did they call you a witch they believed that because I was born a girl they believed I brought evil spirits with me that I was carrying this almost like bad entity like a dark darkness because you know the fact that I'd been born a girl was a bad thing you know I've been told that my mother told everyone not to pick me up from my push my buggy when I was born the pram so relatives would come and see me but they just didn't pick me up and they said that I stopped crying after a few days knowing nobody was coming. Did you know that at this stage I mean you just mentioned before that you know you were actually still a relatively happy child did you know that

your life was different to you know the other kids at school's life or I mean everyone else's life or did you just think that this was how everyone must be? I thought it was normal for me you know I knew that the other Indian girls because we lived in quite a white British area so there weren't that many people of colour or my race or my culture in the area but when I did go to the Sikh temple with my mother occasionally I did see the girls looked quiet like me and I thought it it's just, that's the way it is for us. I was always told by my mother and father that we're not like other cultures, you know, our culture is different, we're respectful. And the whole honour, you know, was always empowered in us about we care more than other parents. So we care what

people say we care. So I knew that our culture was different. So I didn't question why. And I just felt it was just normality for me. I thought this is how my life is. And I, as I said, I was happy you know looking back I remember just finding simple pleasures and little things and were you good at school like were you still able to have an education yeah I was really good at school you know I'd be that one that would sit right the front the annoying child that would get a stars all the time or 100 because she wanted to please the teachers too I wanted to be good at something and I want I liked the way some of the teachers spoke to me the way they recognized that there was some talent in me that I was good at something so I did feel a lot of the time

I wasn't good enough but I didn't know that's the way I felt but looking back it's easier isn't it you assess yourself I know looking back I really felt like I was just not good at anything that I wasn't good enough that's why my parents didn't want me so I used to think if I go back and they get a report that I've done really well that they'll be happy with me but nothing really seemed to work but school to be honest with you was a different kind of problem in itself because other than the schooling which was great I got bullied a lot because there wasn't many people as I said of that looked like me and play times or lunch times I was either being piled upon and getting beat up or my brother was and it became the norm you know I expected someone to spit on

me when I walked past them which is really unacceptable but if you don't know any different you just take it as that's the way it is I didn't think why they're not doing it to anyone else you I wished I wasn't me so many times through my childhood. I wished I was one of the other kids. When you say that you never, ever looked at your parents in the eyes, and I'm assuming your brothers as well, was that because that was a rule that was put in place not to make eye contact? Yeah, I remember from a young age being slapped quite a lot of times

because my parents were quite physically abusive as well as mentally abusive. But I remember when I did make eye contact, I would be hit. You know, my dad had this long wooden ruler that he would use and if you stepped out of line he would hit you with the ruler and it hurt so I did everything I could do not to be so it was almost like I was scurry around like trying to be invisible by all accounts anyone listening now would think that this is you know a pretty horrific childhood and I feel like we haven't even started to touch the sides to just how horrific it became talk to us about how life changed so drastically for you in your teenage years

yeah I didn't think it was a bad childhood until obviously like I said as an adult you look back and but I did realize at 14 something was very wrong in my household in my life with my parents I realized something was just it just didn't feel right anymore and that's because my job was to literally cook for my father when he would come back from the pub which you know every Friday or Saturday he would go and he would bring back his friends and they will they knew me since I was probably six or seven because since six or seven I was doing this chore this job you know that I had that I would be woken up by my mother she would go back to sleep and I would come downstairs and I would cook them normally a big bowl of rice and make them some fresh chapattis like the bread

that we make I would cook them some curries meat and veg and my job was literally to take it in with the plates and they would serve themselves but we had this huge white train as a young child you know I'd been carrying this train in and out of the room and they knew me they all knew me but when I was 14 my mum came to wake me up and I was very sleepy very tired and I remember I was going through puberty just starting to hit that age my periods had started and I came down the stairs quite sluggishly not wanting to get out of bed and made everything so I was super quick and I still and presented them with the food they were exceptionally drunk by this time they'd come in quite loudly so I knew they'd been drinking fair bit but I was used to this a lot of people don't

understand why did you go in but it was something I was used to well I don't imagine you would have had a choice either no if you didn't go in it's something you have to do it's like going into work on a Monday morning people that don't want to go and say they don't have a choice this for me was my work you know it's what I was there for and I um went in and gave them the food sat on the bottom step because we had this huge wooden staircase it was beautiful and I would sit on the bottom stairs playing with my slippers it's just what I used to do from a child well I remember flicking it out too far I think it's not gonna I have to try and bring it back in with my foot I don't want to make the noise because I don't want anyone to hear me and my

dog sitting at the top of the stairs looking down she used to have her paw hanging down she'd be watching because she slept outside my room most of the time and that was her place and I kept seeing bottles appearing you know my dad's arm would come out he would stick another bottle outside and I thought well how much are they going to drink and when can I go to bed I had all these questions in my head because I would constantly talk to myself and I still do I'm always doing it but on this occasion something felt really wrong you know and I wondered if it was the cramping from having been on my periods but something felt like I should get up and leave go to bed or go somewhere but I knew I didn't have that option and when I did get called in

I just kind of didn't want to go in there was something stopping me and I always say that we have this internal messaging service in our bodies that tells us whether we're feeling okay or not it's like sitting on a train next to somebody and not feeling great you sort of pull your arm in and I think we learn to protect ourselves that way but often a lot of us will not listen to our intuition and then later on we'll say well I should have not done that I knew I shouldn't have done it and it was the same situation as a 14 year old little girl sitting on that step not wanting to go in as soon as I turned the handle and went in I knew it was probably going to turn out bad and it did because my father was the first person to grab my wrist it's the first

time he'd ever touched me but not in the way that a father should really touch his child because he threw me onto the low table and he started to rape me and I didn't know what he was doing but I kept my eyes shut but I remember being sorry I remember being thrown off the table literally somebody else picking me up abusing me punching me I was being bitten by people and then somebody else would again drag me down holding my waist and it wasn't just sexual abuse it was as though they were taking pent-up aggression out on me in the most horrific ways you know I was raped in every way that you can imagine and they were laughing as they were doing it and I just knew that I'd been violated in a way that I probably couldn't get over and it was

so horrific that part of my hair had been pulled out you know not one part of my body wasn't covered in blood or a cut or a bruise or you know I'd been punched and everything so they'd eventually left a lot of them had left but my father was still there with a few other people and I remember passing out and coming to and then they started again and it was the chap that kept biting me that was the most horrific and he incidentally was somebody that was from our local church you know he was a very respected individual I knew every one of them from their voices all the way they made even a grunting noise I knew them because I'd been with these people since I was six year olds or seven year old and I called all of them uncle even though they were not related

to me but out of respect we don't say names and you know I knew I knew each one of them it was bad enough with my father but it was just that it was just very horrific and I felt that night I was this delicate little not perfect flower that had literally had all of her petals pulled off and I just felt completely broken and I'm so sorry I'm so sorry that that happened to you and I know that you could hear that a thousand times and it doesn't make a difference and thank you so much for sharing that because I imagine that that story will never get easier where was your mum at this point they were all in the house and I'm sure they all heard because no house can hold that much noise you know it's not that soundproof and even though I didn't scream because I felt I

couldn't scream and a lot of the time they had their hands across my mouth to the point where I didn't even think I could breathe I'm not even sure if my mum knew what would happen or what happened but you shouldn't put your child in a position where they can be subjected to such abuse you know it was neglect on a completely different level so what happened after that everybody left you went to bed no I couldn't move because I physically had been hurt so much and I literally I describe it as I lay in a bath of my own blood because that's literally what it was there was blood sodden into the carpet and I just remember waking up my hair was matted to my forehead with probably not just blood and I had no bottoms on I remember there were no bottoms on me

my top had almost been shredded and I woke up because my mother she opened the door and closed it a couple of times but she really slammed it to wake me up and when I looked to my right hand side I remember seeing a splatter of food on the wallpaper that we had it was like a green velvety wallpaper and I remember thinking I don't know if I can get that off and if I don't get it off my dad and mum are going to be really angry with me and I started to get into like a panic mode like I couldn't breathe and she said to get up you know and I managed to get up but everything hurt you know my legs were hurting everything hurt I can't even describe how much pain I was in but I managed to go upstairs and have a shower normally I wasn't allowed showers I had to shower I had to use a

bucket my parents didn't allow me to shower they said it used too much electricity but my brothers could but this time my mum said I could have a shower but in hindsight I wish I hadn't had a shower because it stung so much having this shower whereas with a bucket bath you fill a bucket up and you use a jug and you pour it over yourself which is a little bit more gentler I guess than the harshness of a shower but I got cleaned up I came downstairs my mum had given me my brother's old pyjamas which is what I always had hand-me-downs and I came down the stairs and she gave me a bucket and some cloths and a scrubbing brush and told me to clean up and that's what I did she gave me another like a tray type thing a deep tray and I put all the broken plates into that and

And then when I made the room look like nothing had ever happened in there, I asked if I could lay down. And I did. And I slept, I think, for a couple of days. I don't think I went to school for a couple of days. And when I did go to school, I wasn't skipping on the way to school like I did with my friends. Normally, she would sing me all the songs from Top of the Pops because I didn't watch television. I couldn't. So she would teach me things. She would teach me ABBA songs. She would teach me Michael Jackson songs and the moves and the dances and I used to like that part of school because it was the best part walking to school but suddenly I didn't want to walk with her and she didn't ask why I didn't want to sit at the front of the class and the teacher didn't

ask why if people beat me up I just let them I didn't even put my hands up to protect myself I just became this person that was in limbo and it's the first time I probably as a child just wanted to not be on the earth I went into a very deep depression I wasn't doing great at school I wasn't even reading books I remember not piling my books up I would just leave them scattered everywhere you know life became very disorganized in my head and in my life I just wasn't me and the light I reckon that was there as a child that innocence had just blown out did nobody at school like no teachers or no people in power noticed that anything was wrong or that you had changed or that you you know you'd had those days off you were a shell of a human you weren't getting

the grades that you used to like you were a different person I know they noticed because my French teacher would normally encourage me told me to get out of the room because I sat huddled at the back crying and this is one of the reasons I tell my story because we've walked past a situation all of us are guilty of this where we've walked past a situation and we've thought that doesn't look right but we've not stopped to ask that person if they need help we've not made a discreet phone call we haven't done something within our capacity as human beings to be compassionate to that person's needs and that one act can hugely change someone's life if somebody had sorry no if someone had asked you if you're okay i wanted someone to ask me

are you okay because i i really wasn't i was struggling and i just wanted someone to say let me help you and the people that were supposed to didn't and then how did things change at home after this incident um i ended up getting pregnant from that night i don't know who from but i did i just turned 15 and i had to tell my parents obviously because my periods had stopped and my mum was so angry she said that I'd spoiled myself and my dad said that I'd spoiled myself and I felt bad I felt like I'd done something wrong because everyone was telling me the same thing they blamed me they said that I won't be able to have an arranged marriage that nobody would want me and they took me to a private clinic to have an abortion I remember everyone

there were adults you know because I was I've always looked smaller at that time than I actually was I was really young so even though I was 15 I probably looked about 12 or 11 and I remember everything you know I remember the gas and air I remember lying on the bed so I remember what they did but the thing I choose to remember this is just my way maybe of coping with things I have selective memory and I choose to remember that after the operation after the abortion I was sitting outside on the grass verge and a gown that they give you like a clinical gown and I remember sitting outside and there was a whole load of women sitting on the grass with me and a lady was handing out tea and with the tea you would get a little round biscuit and I was

looking at them getting the biscuits thinking at the corner of my eye thinking how lucky they were but she brought me a cup of tea too and it was a biscuit on there as well and she did something that no one had ever done in my whole life which was she stroked my hair and it was like that small act of kindness really went far with me I realized for the first time that she didn't catch anything that she touched me because I always thought my mother wouldn't hold me the way she hugged my brothers because I had evil in me and she would catch this evil from me but this woman that I didn't know touched my hair and gave me a drink and I thought I can't be that bad if she's done that to me because she did it voluntarily you know I didn't force her nobody and I sat there

for a long time almost feeling okay because I'd had this one person's touch people say well you know you're glamorizing what she did because she didn't report your parents she didn't save you she didn't help you but at that time in that place I believe that's what I needed I needed some sign I needed that love and she extended some love which I was desperately in need of and when we left there my parents drove me home and they were really arguing you know my mum didn't really argue with my dad very often but they were on this occasion and they were saying that what we're going to do with her are we going to send her to India because now she's had an abortion that's really bad and you know I remember sitting in the back and my little bit of hope that that

lady had given me started to diminish and I started to sit in the back thinking I have such a huge problem to my parents I'm causing such a huge stress for them I shouldn't be alive I should be dead in the way that they were saying that you know we wished you died at birth and that's when I decided when I got home that I would take an overdose at some point and just end my life because I didn't really want to be around either. When you're in the car and you're listening to your parents say should we send her to India what did they mean should they send you to India should they just send you to another family member to get rid of you and have you out of their hair should they sell you was this a part of maybe when an honour killing would have taken place

yeah in our culture that's when an honour killing would have either taken place or they would have married me to an older man or they would have just got rid of me in the sense that they would have just abandoned me somewhere which is something that happens where they'll drive out in the middle of nowhere and just leave you and somebody will take you and what did they end up doing well they didn't end up doing that my father was really unhappy as you can imagine when I came back and he was sulking that's the only way I can describe it he was sulking for days when I would take his food he would turn his back on me and it made me feel worse because even the jobs that I did that they accepted me doing suddenly became more difficult I was still

doing the cleaning I was still doing the cooking but if they saw me coming they would like disappear and shut the door on me they just couldn't stand the sight of me but I ended up being in my room one day still doing the same things as a child you know pushed my ear against the door listening and I heard my father saying this is amazing oh my god this is great and suddenly I perked up and I'm thinking oh what's going on you know what's happening and he was on the phone and I could hear room saying yes yes yes this is great this is great and my mum then I could hear her walking so I could tell everybody even the way they opened the door I could tell because my hearing was so heightened because my sight was almost taken away and they were happy and I kept hearing them happy

happy and then the next day I was asked to come downstairs from my room my mother came to get me which she never did she always just would yell up come you know she came to get me she brought me an Indian suit a Punjabi suit it's called it's like a tunic with some bottoms with a chiffon scarf and I thought this is quite nice I wonder why I've got this she asked me to put it on took me down the stairs and took me into the front room but where she was guiding me into the front room I felt very nervous again because I was always having flashbacks of the rape and always feeling very anxious going into that room I was never allowed in that room because it was a guest room so other than handing food out I was never allowed to go in there and suddenly I was in this room I

was sat on the sofa in between my parents and I could hear voices because my head's down and I could hear the voices and the voices with my two brothers and the person that stayed behind the one that was raping me continuously and biting me and I felt very nervous around him anyway but he was saying that we'll take her and there was this bartering going on that if you want the secret to stay quiet if you want me to take her you have to give me this much money my father saying I won't give you this much I'll give you less but they came to an agreement and I was literally traded to this man and I didn't understand why or what was going to happen but the reason I was traded was to keep the secret quiet that I had been as they called sexually active even though

I wasn't sexually active I was raped but these words were in my head and I'm thinking to myself was I is that what I did you know you start to question yourself but they did this so that the secret would stay safe and that his son who was dating a white British girl would look in the community's eyes as having an arranged marriage so that they would hold their respect and their honour he hadn't gone out of line he'd stayed in line to what's expected the cultural norms so he was having a relationship but he was forced into marrying me on paper so that the outside world saw him as a good boy that followed the traditional route but I had nothing to do with him it was a sham wedding and it came very clear in that discussion on that day that I was there to

cook and clean in the way that I cleaned and cooked here in my parents house I would do exactly the same here in their house but the additional thing is that my father-in-law would have me as a sex slave he would have access to me at any time and I had to give him what he was he was asking for and that's what happened you know to cut a long story short I got married on the day of the wedding I was told to go home straight after the wedding ceremony there's a huge party and anybody there would remember I wasn't there which is unusual but nobody asked questions nobody that was invited said where is the bride it's unusual for her not to be here and I remember sitting at home waiting for them to come and I felt like I was going to be sick I imagined getting

a knife and stabbing myself in the stomach because I just didn't want to go to somebody else's house I was attached to my room even though it was a basic room that no child deserved it was still my room my books my things and it was quite daunting at the age of 16 turning 17 to be told you're being married you know it was quite a big thing and I remember going into my in-laws house and my mother-in-law asked me to remove my clothes and there were other people there and I thought different of everyone but it was almost to humiliate me and I took off my clothes I had my underwear on and she gave me some old clothes that belonged to her daughter and said you won't have anything that you've come with you will sleep in this room which was downstairs it was like a little

cupboard with no door and she said that you will stay there and that's what your job was and you can start cooking now and the guests were all hovering around and they were looking uncomfortable if I'm being honest but nobody said anything and their house was so much smaller than my dad's house my dad's house was huge it had big rooms and suddenly I was in this tiny little house where you could see the neighbors and it was terraced you know everyone was literally on top of each other and I felt quite claustrophobic if I'm being honest because the room was so small everything was just tiny I struggled for four years in this sham wedding I got a job because they forced me to get a job I got two jobs I became a manager very quickly a large corporation

I was the first person of that age to ever become a manager and then on top of that of an ethnic minority but I was people pleasing again I was trying to please my in-laws because they took all of my money and I thought if I give them more money they might be happier with me and leave me alone but it didn't work like that yeah but in the second job that I got I made friends and they were like why are your ankles bleeding and I must have wanted someone to ask me this question that uncomfortable conversation that we said earlier nobody wants to have those uncomfortable conversations but they're so important yeah and I told her that my father-in-law would get a metal coat hanger and he would straighten it and they were really thick in those days and he would

wrap it around my ankles and the ends of it would dig into my skin so it would constantly poke at my skin if I even moved slightly it would make a cut so that was why my ankles were bleeding and I would patch them up and I put socks on top and it would bleed through the socks often and she noticed you know she noticed everything she was from my culture and she said that's not okay and the thing is I was so scared I was so worried all the time I wouldn't even ask for help and who was I going to go and ask for help from we were told never to call the police under any circumstances we were told never to talk about what goes on in our families outside of the home we were told if I did do anything like that they would kill me so I was too scared you know at work I would pretend

everything was fine I had this alter ego I think that I would turn up and say hi I was the opposite of what I was at home so everyone saw this confident person they didn't see someone who were scared but if you knew the signs and you were from my culture you probably would spot them like this girl did that I befriended and you know she said that what's really happening and I just opened up it was like a can of worms literally everything just kept coming out and I told her about my father-in-law raping me I didn't tell her about my father raping me I didn't tell her that I had a really bad childhood because we kind of make excuses for the people we think we love and I just sort of said it was no k-childhood I didn't tell her about the neglect I told her all

about my in-laws so it sounded like the in-laws were the only people that were abusive and horrible to me and you see in our culture once you're married a lot of the time you don't have anything to do with your parents again they literally hand you over to another family and that's it their hands are washed of you so you're their daughter you're their responsibility you're their property now so I hadn't seen my parents for four years oh you had not seen that you so you had completely cut off contact with them they'd kept contact they caught yeah literally that they sold you and then cut contact when you're married to this young Indian man was he involved in any capacity did he understand what was going on was he living in the house was he complicit well

everyone slept upstairs apart from me I slept downstairs in this little makeshift bedroom so I didn't see people because I was in my room again all the time where I was at work if I was at home I would be waiting in my room my father-in-law would come and wake me early in the morning it was like a very early morning thing he would come down to do his prayers but before the prayers he would normally come and abuse me sexually sometimes he would make me go and have a shower and he wanted to watch me and then he would take me into my room and rate me there there was a lot of as i said control and a different kind of abuse that i suffered from him i was very scared of him very afraid of what he would do to me because he enjoyed inflicting pain in different ways that i

don't really want to talk about no and you do not have to but um my mother-in-law and husband at the time knew I'm sure what was going on but my mother-in-law was very abusive and I remember when I used to make the food for everyone she would stand and watch my mother-in-law and I would plate everyone's food and I would give her the plates and she would take them in that was the way it worked in their house it wasn't just me taking them and it was her as well and I remember when I would put a little bit very small portions Brit on a plate for myself and she would you know at the beginning I think I ate one or two meals but I don't know what came over her she got very angry and snatched the plate from me put it into the dustbin the whole plate

with the food and then opened the bin and pushed my head into the bin and said eat out of that if you want to eat because this is not your father's house and I took the plate out and she pushed it back in and then she said eat out of the bin she called me a dog and all sorts of names in our language and I remember eating out of the discipline because I thought I had to because I was scared but also because part of me was hungry but then you kind of lose the will to do anything and I just thought I don't want to so I stopped plating myself food I avoided her at all costs because she was angry and I thought is she angry because he's sexually active with me is because he comes to me I don't know I knew none of it was my fault that's one thing I did know that it wasn't

my fault I wasn't doing anything to if anything my body rejected everything and everyone around me I didn't want to be there I mean even that I can't imagine how much work you've done on yourself Nina but like even you saying I was just so submissive and said yes to everything what was the alternative you didn't have an alternative like you were being beaten raped I don't feel like I think you are anything but a submissive person and a submissive woman I think that that option was taken away from you to be anything else yeah maybe that's just how I saw myself but I I'd had enough you know you get to a point we have enough there was this thing in the 90s called the bride burnings in England which was really common everyone knew about it the police knew about it

nothing was really being done the news it was always on the news but it would be a case of they would call wives from India you know brides for their sons and they weren't giving them what they wanted which was an heir a boy so they would pour petrol over the girl etc light and they would say to the police when they arrived that she did it to herself and when I was walking home from work sometimes I would see the police and I would smell the smell of human flesh it's a real distinctive smell and I became paranoid of fire I just became so paranoid so I felt like my time was coming to an end because I hadn't had a child everyone was asking in the community why has your son been married for such a long time and you've got no son or daughter you know you've not had a grandson

and I felt very pressured also somebody was giving me a way out and saying go back to your parents go back to your parents you know every time I saw this friend of mine at work and her Nigerian boyfriend she was Indian but born in Britain like me they would both say the same thing it was singing from the same hymn sheet go back home go back home it won't be that bad so one day I went to work and I didn't go to my in-laws I got on a bus and I went back to my mum's and I had this romanticised ideology that they're going to pull me in and love me and it's all going to be okay you know that's why I kept saying it's going to be okay. Be a safe place which is what your family home should be. It's what I knew you know it was where I knew I wanted my bedroom I wanted to go

back into my bed that's all I wanted and when I did get to the house my mum already knew and dad knew that I was coming because someone had seen me at the community because you can't do anything it wasn't a small town but the community is so spread out they literally phoned and said that I was coming and they were asking why is she coming why and my father said as soon as I walked in that everyone knows you've left everyone knows you're on the wrong bus why have you come in our doorstep why have you come to us and I was dragged in by my ponytail that I used to wear back then and you know it was a real horrible time because my body was just like oh why have you come here you know I knew that I'd made such a bad mistake going there but I didn't feel I had anywhere else

to go and I thought it would be better there but it was the wrong decision that I'd made as I went in my father dragged me into the same room that they raped me which instantly gave me that thought that something bad's about to happen because that room just seemed to give me that feeling all the time and the beating started but I'd been beaten you have to remember since a very young age I knew how they hit me is a way that my brother would punch me and he was there too one of them but this was almost that they decided between them before I got there that they would beat me in a different way it was to kill me there was no no other intention and the word honour killing was being thrown in the word respect is that as we call it means maintaining

respect that they were saying that they had no respect in the community people would laugh at them people will spit at them that they would become ridiculed and now my brother can't get married my eldest brother because nobody would want somebody who's got a sister that's they were calling me a prostitute and you know I was always called fat and ugly since I was a kid they were calling me that they were saying that I should have died at birth and they broke my arm and my jaw but you have to remember as well even though I was a feeble person you have to punch somebody so many times to break a bone and there were so many bones that were broken in my whole body but I ended up collapsing and when I collapsed is when they started kicking and stamping on me

and I remember my father holding his foot against my throat and I remember at that time feeling very numb like I wasn't there anymore and I could almost see myself from the outside in like this crumpled up little rag doll thinking it's okay Nina but then I was saying to myself it's time I don't want to be here but something was saying no it's not your time to go and then I remember just feeling back in that body but not necessarily feeling their feet on me you know with their kicks I just was watching blood trickling literally down my nose and going into the swirly design of the carpet and I was thinking I really don't like this carpet there's almost like a detached from what was happening and then my other brother came and said stop we can't do this here we're

gonna kill her but we'll kill her in India we'll take her and send her there so they just stopped and I think they were exhausted because the amount of force they were using to hurt me was taking it out on them because I could see their labored breath you know and I could hear their labored breath rather and I could feel that the stamping was getting less and less intensive because they were tired but they'd broken so many bones as I said and they'd displaced my hip and I remember lying there in the same position they left me for days and again I was covered in blood I was struggling to breathe even I wondered if they'd damaged my chest or something but I soiled myself there and it was after a few days somebody opened the door and it was a friend of

my mother's who said you need to leave or when you get to the airport they're going to take you to India to kill you on Sunday ask for help at the airport and I thought I can't ask for help if I've got my mum and dad around me and my brother next to me I'm too scared how do I ask for help I didn't have the courage so I lay there and thought you know what it's time to go I've had enough of life anyway what am I living for who have I got I'm alone I've felt very very alone but something said no you can get out and I broke the journey of getting out down into little segments and said if you can get to the door then you can get out of this room if you can get to the hallway you can get into the kitchen if you can get into the kitchen you can get into the garden

and you'll be gone and that's what I did I struggled I couldn't crawl I couldn't walk but I somehow dragged my body and I was scared that they would hear me because there was a house full of angry people but I trusted that I could do it I trusted in me how long had you been was this a couple of days Nina or how long had this been that you were laying there in this state well my body was stiff because I'd lay there for days nobody come and check me either you know I'd lay there for a long time but nobody sort of called out or brought me tea or checked on me or water you know I was more than likely I needed water you know I was dehydrated no doubt but I did get to the garden but that's when my dogs you know I'd had this dog since quite a young age and

she was my first friend she was that um that warmth on a cold night I didn't have a duvet to pull over me but she would like snuggle up and she was loud she came and looked at me and I said to her please no and I touched her little wet nose and I was saying to her please don't bark because when she barked the whole neighborhood would complain and she was always barking and I thought why is she in the garden you know why is she not with them but she looked at me you know when sometimes someone really looks at you and they see you yeah she saw me people don't understand this they think it's a bit of a joke but I believe sometimes you need that one person to believe in you whatever form they come in and I believe in angels and I know they've crossed my path many

times and I believe maybe she was one of them because she looked at me looked up and she really made a slow action of raising her head and looking at me and I felt like she was saying come on you can do this I know you can do this and it's time for you to go and I did I found strength because she was encouraging me and I managed somehow I don't know how but I got over the fence and I fell on the other side and she did a little whimper but I remember she made this sort of noise and I just went into a park across the road and I passed out and I remember my father driving past me at one point but I was in and out of consciousness and when I did wake up again properly it was like very early hours of the morning I say four o'clock I had no idea I didn't have a watch or anything

but I made my way to a taxi rank and the taxi guy was really good again another good person that I came across he got me to my friends my friends weren't there he took me to the police station and that's where the policeman started to take photos and write a report and then when I said it was an honor killing he literally threw down the file because he didn't want to deal with it and if I had said I think it's a murder or attempted murder he would have done something about it but we're taught that word so we use that word you know if you don't know the word you're not going to use it he basically told me he said I had to go to the hospital that he couldn't do anything for me and I was very confused because I'd gone from having photos taken to being told

to go to the hospital and I was that obedient person I didn't question it I went along with it and he took me he didn't take me he got an ambulance to come and get me and I was in hospital for months and every time somebody would come apart from the nurses to do their observations they would look at the file and it had a sticky note on it which said honor killing attempt and they would throw it down as though to say oh I can't be bothered you know and I felt like I was not important so why would anyone want to help me anyway I cannot comprehend the fact that religion and race can take such a strong hold on an entire community and all the people that are supposed to be looking after you is it because they don't want to quote unquote offend your culture yeah

it's the lack of cultural intelligence which is why i teach large corporations and companies about cultural intelligence and how they can safeguard their employees just for awareness you know i spread awareness so that people understand that when you're a person born into this culture you don't necessarily think you have the rights if you don't think you have the rights to anything then you won't ask for help and also for other people that can make a difference to say we could step in and we know that she's not going to ask for help because of the way she's been brought up or because she can't go against the cultural norms you know there's this unwritten rule that you don't speak out but also for them to understand that this sort

of thing continually goes on because programming is passed down from generation to generation but I ended up in hospital like I said and when I did come out they put me into a refuge and I couldn't cope because the women's refuge was full of people that had drug addictions and alcohol dependency and I didn't have the emotional intelligence or the awareness of knowing how to help or talk to those people or I felt scared around them to be honest so I ended up asking if I could go to my friends and I did my friend had moved out because she herself had either had a falling out I've never met her I've never been able to ask her the question but her boyfriend said or ex-boyfriend now said you can stay with me I've got a spare room and I thought wow this

is my hero he's amazing he's just his best friend now that I'm gonna have that's offering me this place to stay and I said oh I can't pay for it straight away this is where you can owe me and my arm was in a sling because I'm still out of the hospital you know quite soon not long come out of the hospital still not healed I thought to myself this is great I'll get a job and I did get a really good job in the local council and I was paying him rent everything fine he kept to himself I kept to myself because I was used to being in my room that's what I was used to I was scared of my parents finding me and I told him that and he said he would protect me if he had to you know but it came to a point where we went to a party because the landlord was having a party and he

said do you want to come and I said I've never been to a party so suddenly I was this excited almost I was a 21 year old but I was 22 by this time but I was almost like a 15 16 year old in my head because I never had those opportunities and he was handing me cups of glasses of coke and I haven't really had fizzy drinks because all I had was water at home I wasn't allowed the fizzy drinks and I think my parents didn't really encourage fizzy drinks back then either and my in-laws I know there was coca-cola I used to see the bottles but I didn't get to have them didn't have them at work so I thought the coke was okay I said to him it tastes a bit odd and he goes that's what it is it's pepsi not coke maybe that's why you think it tastes odd and I

just kept taking the drink I think I had about three but that was enough because he'd laced them with alcohol so it wasn't coke I was drinking it was an alcoholic drink and I became very woozy I remember him saying I'll take you back to the flat I remember passing out as soon as I got there and I don't remember anything else but I remember waking up feeling something wrong had happened but who was I to ask questions and I didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation or say to him if it was probably just me thinking it and I remember showering and thinking it doesn't feel right but months later I was pregnant and I asked him and I said I'm pregnant and he said oh yeah well you know that night you were asking for it and I said I don't remember I don't remember

saying I wanted to have sex with you or anything and he made out I was wrong and I accepted that because who was I to question that again it just happened because I think I had that mentality as a child that had been brought forward and to cut a long story short I stayed with him for 23 years and people say why you know if he was abusive because he was mentally abusive physically abusive but in my culture you stay with whoever you have a child with that was what I was taught you don't have children with everyone I mean what would the people say you know and I thought that's just the way it is also my parents came to look for my daughter because they wanted to abduct my daughter and kill her because they heard about me having a child out of wedlock so I was being protected by

being with him and I remember sitting with my back to the door my daughter was asleep and they were knocking on my flat door and I said to the landlord that was my mum and dad they're trying to kill me they said yeah we know because they offered us five thousand pounds and we said no to it we think we should move you to another flat that we have so I moved to another flat that they have with my partner but you see I never knew about dating and that you're supposed to go out and look into each other's eyes and lose yourself I didn't know any bit about that butterfly feeling people talk about I didn't know about those things I just knew I should cook for him I should work I should do this I should provide that's what I saw myself as the provider and he would go off and

be with other people, but I thought that was okay. My dad didn't often come home. I thought that was the normality. If he drank a lot of alcohol, that was familiar to me. So we often accept what we see as familiar to us because that's how life has presented itself. So that's our ideology of what normality is. Was there no part of you that thought you could go to the police at all at this point? No, because they hadn't helped me the first time. So I thought they wouldn't help me again. But you know, life just goes on. You know, sometimes you don't realize how quickly time passes especially when you're raising a child but I started businesses you know I wanted to prove to my dad I was as good as the boys and it was the wrong reason to do what

I did but I'm glad I did it I ended up starting a business while my daughter was playing in the other room I started it in my flat is what I'm saying she would be playing I had somebody look after her from the shop downstairs the little girl would come up and sit with her and I would sell mobile phones and I'd got into this because I saw somebody go into the shop and I chased him another end I was like I want to know what you do but I started this business and it really took off because mobile phones were a big thing back then it got so big I had to move it from my spare room into a shop in the town centre and my partner could see the money he could see the money coming in so he didn't want to go anywhere either in the sense of leave me I ended up getting pregnant

again I moved into a lovely house you know with the white picket fence like I used to draw that's exactly the type of house I bought for my daughter like you dream of when you're a kid yeah and it it had the little side garden it had the little white picket fence it had cows and sheep in the background it was just beautiful and it had a little green in the center so that children would play in with their bikes it was just very safe and a very loving environment and when I moved there I also bought a shop in the town center and the money was just coming in it was almost easy because I didn't see it as being hard I believed I could do it and then I got pregnant again and I had a gorgeous baby boy you know and my partner at the time seemed happier that I had a

boy and he was celebrating the boy you know I also didn't think he needed to work because I didn't think he had that role I just knew myself as the provider I'll do everything I can do it I'll make everyone happy I've got this and then I got pregnant for the third time and that's when things turned a little bit in my mindset that this is not where I want to be because by now he'd become very aggressive but I was asleep I was pregnant and he set my pillow on fire and I remember waking up to the smell of smoke and he said he did it because he wanted to end us all but in hindsight I now know that he was trying to end me not all of us he didn't really make sense he did a lot of erratic things domestic violence doesn't just affect you either it affects the

whole family but I didn't see it back then and my daughter she must have been about six my son other son that I'd had not long had he was probably 10 11 months old and I got pregnant and he said that's it now I don't want to come near you I don't like you you're actually disgusting your body's disgusting no man would want you you're lucky that I've come near you and I thought yeah he would want me I really believed what he said he was constantly calling me fat and ugly and again that's what I'd heard from birth so I believed what he said and I was eight months pregnant and I was coming downstairs and he was ready to go to fly to Milan I remember it very clearly he wanted a lot of money I didn't have and he was angry so angry that I'm going to

go I can't spend what I want now you're putting me on a budget what kind of life is this and he pushed me and he really pushed me hard and I fell and I knew something was going to happen something bad and he disappeared and my daughter had gone for a sleepover at someone's house I had my other son you know my boy and I rang the people that owned the shop where I used to rent from and said can you help me I need you to look after my little boy I think I need to go into hospital I accidentally fell down the stairs and strangely my old school friend who'd been trying to get hold of me for a long time turned up saying that my ex-partner wasn't passing on the messages that she'd been trying to get hold of me and I said I need you to do something I need you to

look and see if there's a foot hanging out because I can feel something and she said she didn't want to and I was begging her you know by this time my son had been picked up it was just the two of us and she said I'm getting an ambulance and she called for an ambulance and I said the same thing to him I said to the ambulance person can you the paramedic can you check if there's a foot and he said yeah I'll check and he said yes there is and I immediately thought I'm not going to be able to hold on to this baby that i desperately want when i got to the hospital they rushed me into the ward the maternity ward i can hear babies crying and they're telling me to push and i'm thinking i don't want to push i want to keep him safe within me and he was breached so

it was harder my friend had unfortunately suffered from an anxiety attack and had to be removed so it was just me on my own again. And I gave birth to probably the most beautiful baby and I held him and then he stopped breathing. And as he's quiet in my arms, I'm listening and the baby's crying and begging God to make him cry make him cry and it was one of the hardest things

I'm so sorry Nina it was probably the worst thing that had happened in my life I wouldn't wish it upon anyone because your arms are empty and your body's prepared for this baby and then there's no baby

and every time someone else's baby's born and cries your breasts start to leak because they're ready to feed a child and there is no child and I lay there for days and I stopped speaking I stopped eating I switched off I think that again that light you know for me just stopped existing and I became very depressed to the point where the medical staff were concerned my partner said wouldn't organize the funeral because it wasn't really a baby I wasn't in the right mindset to organize the funeral but the nurses took pity on me and said that they would arrange a little ceremony so I got to say goodbye to him and he had a tiny little white coffin and somebody had bought a forever friends tea to put on top of the coffin because I called him Tyler and I got home

and I just switched off and I wanted to shout out to the world someone just died and you're all carrying on like it's okay and it's not okay I want you all to stop yeah new people that knew that I was pregnant were asking me when are you due when are you having the baby and I haven't got the heart to tell them so I actually haven't said this before but I wrote notes to everybody that I knew saying that I'd lost him and I think I was crying out for help just hoping that somebody somebody would question it yeah ask me what really happened nobody did and you know my partner was really dismissive of everything he didn't allow me to even mourn the way I should have but then suddenly I had this thing that I want a baby I want a baby I need a baby I have to replace the

baby I've lost you can't replace what you've lost but in your head you think that you can and I did get pregnant again I ended up having a little boy and he kind of made me want to live again he gave me that purpose again to live which I'd lost even though I've had the two older children I couldn't function and I started to live again and time just went on my older daughter started university my middle son I sent to boarding school because he had altercations with his father so I thought to keep him safe I'll just send him to boarding school but that was so you know when I look back and see how distorted my reality was it's worrying but when you're in a relationship that you don't understand or you don't understand about life or

how life's supposed to be you make bad choices and I did make bad choices to the children too my daughter was at university she received a picture message on her phone that said I'm sorry and the picture message was me asleep on the sofa her brothers slumped on a table and she instantly knew something was wrong because she always said to me when I would walk her to the platform when she'd come to see me to get on her train to go back to London she'd always say I don't know if this is the last time I'll see you mummy you know and I was laughing say don't be silly of course I'll see you soon but I knew what she meant because she knew that her father was so violent and she felt helpless you know she felt helpless my other son felt guilty for being

in a really nice school and I'm working hard to keep him there and his brother's not there so all everyone was affected but I couldn't see her and this message sent shivers down her spine because she thought we were dead and she rang me because she knew I didn't sleep she knew I had a insomnia because of the pillow being set alight she knew that my ex-partner would lock us in our bedrooms and then unlock us so she knew I didn't sleep and when I did wake up I said to her look my throat is really dry bear with me I want to get some water and I took the phone and I just remember dropping the phone on the floor and it smashed because of those times we didn't have screen protectors it smashed because I saw that he had switched on all the gas taps on the cooker

on the stove and the whole house was full of gas which had caused us to pass out and people say you can't die of that but you can because if i'd got up later and switched a light on the whole house would have exploded or we would have died of carbon monoxide he attempted to kill me and my youngest son because the others weren't there he had left he left the house and there was some messages going between him and my daughter she was asking him what have you done why have you done it I haven't seen those messages she says that they would upset me too much I'd like to see the pictures at some point but she's got them I suppose when the time's right she'll show me them is this the moment where you thought okay life has to change this can't be it I need to leave

no no I stayed because I didn't think about leaving I went upstairs I carried my son and took him into the bedroom and at 11 o'clock our doors were locked it was my son that was brave enough to go to school and say I can't take this anymore my mum's being beaten my mum's being mentally and physically abused I'm being physically mentally abused but he told them and that raised alarms social services were involved police were involved I was given 20 minutes to leave the house and it's like me taking you to a supermarket saying Brit you can have whatever you want you got 20 minutes and you're going to panic and think what do I get I don't know what I need you can't think yeah not to pack up your entire life no and this is my home you know I didn't really want to

leave I didn't know anything else I've never really had a home before I felt that was my place but home isn't really a place it's where you know it's the people you're around it's how you feel it's how you feel within your own body in your own mind at that time I didn't know that yeah but I remember looking around and I picked up a plastic hammer a toy hammer that my son boarding we used to play with when he was about five and I picked up a long coat my son was in bright orange top bright blue trainers didn't pick up anything we got to the corner and he said I forgot my phone so we had to turn back around and the lady driving us who's my angel she didn't want to go back but she did and she said to me the other day she goes remember him saying I want to take my bed and I

said no she said he was asking to take his bed you know he was asking for all these things that he couldn't take but we ended up in a safe home they call it in the united kingdom um supposed to keep you safe because the police have a mark it's a marked property the police will turn up there quicker than they were anywhere else which is a load of nonsense it was in a very dangerous estate as soon as i opened the door you could smell the urine because the carpet was sodden with urine from whoever lived there before there were human feces spread all across the walls it was unfit for any human to live there and I had to stay there because I had nowhere else to go and I remember wrapping my son up in my coat laying him down and going into the other room and crying for the first

time because we're told we shouldn't cry we're told it's it's weak to cry that what are you crying about no one's going to stop you crying my partner used to say he hated my ugly face crying you know I wouldn't cry and that like I cried and cried and I couldn't stop I cried for the little Nina I cried for the lost childhood I cried for losing my innocence I cried for losing my son I cried for losing a lot of my life's freedom that I never really thought I deserved I remember looking down and I created this puddle of tears and I said what are you going to do Nina are you going to dance in your tears or are you going to drown in them and I stood up and I started dancing it was really strange there was no music but I felt some freedom and from there we became

homeless because the government will only support you up to a certain point I on paper was a millionaire because I owned a lot of property a lot of business a lot of assets I couldn't get access to them I couldn't go and sell the property and have money straight away or go back into the businesses and sell my assets because these things take time but also he was around and he wasn't going to let me do any of these things so all the locks had been changed i couldn't get access to anything the police couldn't help lawyers couldn't help domestic violence is one of the most common reasons women and children become homeless and the government don't help they say they're going to help but they really don't i have this idealism again romanticizing that i'll be taking care of

But I had no one to go to, no one to turn to. The people that used to say they were my friends suddenly disappeared. And you always find that in a situation where you really need help. People don't really want to offer that help. That was the situation for me. I was alone. But the lady that helped us move was somebody from the school. I didn't know her, really.

She was somebody new that had come into my life. But she offered me her home. And I have a really bad way of accepting things. you know I don't I'm not very good at receiving I've always been good at giving but because of my son I said yes and I said look I'll stay on a condition you know if I can stay here for 30 days I'll make enough money and I'll move out and that's what I did I started working in the same places I would sell 160,000 pounds worth of machinery I worked there for two pounds an hour packing I would go and clean people's offices for three or four pounds an hour it didn't matter as

long as it was respectful I did tax returns I did everything I could while my son was at school and when he came back I wanted to be there for him but I managed to save enough money to move into a home and that's when life started for us but it didn't start for him because suddenly he stopped this running game and realized what's happened in my life and that's when it really hits him and they call it adjustment disorder where you've gone from one extreme to another and you can't cope mentally that trauma has to go somewhere his trauma was creating this almost volcanic type of eruption that was going to happen and I decided to move away from the areas that he knew and start afresh the government was saying we can't keep giving you non-melastation orders we can't keep

helping you the courts were turning their back on me the police were so I upped and left everything I knew and started in a scary new place which was hard even as a 45 year old it was hard but I really settled and found myself when I got to 50 and I remember being in the house that I'm in now I stood on a grass verge and I started doing affirmations you know but this time I really believed them and I remember saying to myself that you don't have to be anything that anyone ever told you were you believe what you want to believe you can reprogram yourself which is hard it's hard work but I had this surge of love come through because I knew I wasn't a bad person Brit I'd never hurt anyone if anything I always supported the people that were the horriblest to

me the ones that mean to me I love them unconditionally and I say that my dad never taught me to ride a bike he taught me how to love unconditionally you know so it's how you want to reframe your past life and bring it forward and recently I've done over 100 podcasts as you know and i know that every time i go back into that six-year-old self i leave a little bit of me back there with a the only way for internal peace that i found is not to keep revisiting that past of who you were whether you had a successful business you don't have it anymore you can't keep going back there because when you keep going back there you leave fragments of yourself there you don't bring yourself as a whole and i've been doing that for the last year and it has taken a

bit of a toll on me but I know the importance because every time I tell my story I have thousands or hundreds of people come forward and since I went viral in February that video went to 25 million in three weeks on Facebook and I had over 14,000 people reach out for help and I think divine timing is something I want to speak about too because I was doing lots of videos but I didn't have a non-profit organization set up registered i didn't have the right people you know i was doing it all on my own i was helping one or two people here and there but as soon as that was registered the 97th video went viral and i think that was the universe saying to me you're ready now you know you're mentally ready you've got set up yeah people are coming it's all right

telling your story but the people are coming asking for help and you know we were talking just off mic earlier but how many people reached out to you in australia that are going through something similar i checked my messages this morning before i came on because i got the times mixed up and i was having a conversation with keisha i've got my times mixed up again and i was checking them and there were so many messages from australia again and there's so many with domestic violence even catholic people have similar cultures you know with the way they have the expectations from family and they were reaching out but there are a lot of people from my culture in your country that are reaching out because they're forced into marriage or they're

suffering because of an honour-based killing threat that if they don't abide and they don't do what they're told they will be killed and there's a lot of people that have reached out because they've been sexually abused whilst they were children in the care of their parents or family relatives and I feel that because I am really open and honest about my own feelings and what I went through that people don't feel they're going to be judged because one of the reasons people don't speak out is the stigma and shame that's involved but my thing is by speaking out I want to take that power away from those people that are causing us to feel this way because it should be them that feel ashamed not us we carry this heavy weight around with us all

our lives because we feel it was us we must have done something that we're not good enough but we are good enough and that's my message out there that we are good enough and we deserve more and I'm not saying every person from India or the Punjab has the same mannerisms or intentions as my parents everyone's individual everyone has their own way of thinking but the majority of people are from South Asia that come forward saying can you help me and you imagine me opening my mail or messages across LinkedIn across my email both my websites across my social media and they start with help me please help me that's all I get I don't get very many messages saying I'm really taken back by you I want to encourage you I don't get those I either get the one saying

help me or you need to stop talking because you're bringing shame aren't you ashamed of saying that you were raped have you got no self-respect so I get a lot of hate as well but there are a huge insane amount of people asking for help right now and my intention is to come over there next year and maybe you know give a talk or two because I think it would encourage them to see that I if I can do it and people say this all the time if I could do it you could do but it's true I never thought anybody would listen to what I had to say and now you know I'm here talking to you so what would you say to somebody that is in this situation right now that's listening because I assume a lot of people that are going to come to this episode are people that are resonating

with this or in a similar situation and need help what's the advice you can give them well my arms are open wide for anyone who's struggling with anything I'm not putting you into a category that you can only contact me if you're South Asian or if you've had domestic violence or if you've had a non-killing attempt I want them to know they're not alone to start with because that's huge because I felt so alone I also want them to understand that we do things to please our parents it's how we're brought up and if we do anything for ourselves we feel guilty we feel like it's something bad that we're doing it makes us feel bad inside but there's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself we're supposed to be raised you know to become adults that understand about self

love and self-care but we're always pleasing everyone else but you imagine marrying somebody you've not dated or got to know for years and then having to share a bed with them having to be intimate with them having to life with them is it's not normal it's not okay are there organizations that are easily accessible to help that people can reach out to i mean i would always tell people to come to my organization but don't go for the large organizations i started my organization because I went to a large organization and they told me to google it wow I emailed them I've got a long paper trail and me is annoyed I'll be honest because I needed help and none of them actually wanted to help me and then people started using my story and I had to contact them and say

you're using my story you're not even tagging me on my non-profit and it was one South Asian charity that contacted me it was a man and his job is he helps people that have been sexually abused by family members to press charges but the country here that we live in doesn't help us so he does a lot of helps a lot of people in Canada in America because their laws are different but he said to me the first thing he said to me is I saw your story and I wanted to ask you do you need any support and can I offer our counselling services to you now that to me his name is Siva he runs a non-profit seek awareness society it took a man from my culture to ask me do you need help do you know that really stuck with me because I was quite anti-men from my culture because of

what's happened in my life but it took a man not a woman and they see me as a threat because I say I'm the specialist in this and I am because I've lived through it and a lot of them haven't how can you understand someone else's pain if you've not even had any pain yourself but you want to do the right thing and that's admirable but unfortunately charities are not as they make out to be and I'm going to call them out for it because I would like nothing more than someone to go to someone and someone say to them I'm here to help you than to be turned away because sometimes people only ask one time they'll only get one opportunity to say help me and that'll be it yeah and then they're not going to come back they won't because you feel like you don't matter

and we will put all the links and the organization in our show notes as well what happened because I know people are going to ask what happened to your dad I haven't told part of my story which I'm going to tell very quickly because of time as well but my father I was contacted by the police in 2015 um this really upsets me so I'm sorry if I start crying again but they told me that my father had had an illegitimate child with a Polish lady and he waited until she was six years old and then abducted her and took her to India and sold her to human traffickers her name is julia and now she would be about 15 or 16. she's still missing but because of the cultural influences and because he was doing it to save

honor he was only given a jail sentence of four years four four years so he's out of jail now And I'm working really hard to change the law and the wording so that there is no such thing as an honor killing in the eyes of the law. Because the laws are what the police work on. They can only put into place what is decided in Parliament in my country. And I am working hard to make as much noise. I'm putting a lot of effort into getting that word just erased because it should be attempted murder or murder because that's what it is. because my father should not be free because she's still missing and I don't know if she's okay where he left her the traffickers they harvest organs which is a huge business in India and it was politically protected by politicians the government so the police even though they went all the way from the United Kingdom couldn't get access to where she was and I've never forgiven

myself for not doing more depressed charges to stop him to make him feel accountable so that he won't do it again and I started this whole speaking up for her but then I realized that there's a lot of girls that don't have sisters I never had one to look out for me and I wanted to be that motherly figure that sisterly figure that's saying to everyone you're not on your own I've got you what can I do for you and I'll I will do everything I can in my capacity to help somebody the way I wish somebody had helped me because I have found freedom I have you know I can speak to you if I want to at six o'clock in the morning I can whereas a lot of girls can't even move or they go to bed not even knowing if they're going to wake up in the morning that's

how their life is that's my old life I don't want that I could talk to you for a million years I think you're just such an inspiration you're so brave and your resilience is like nothing I have ever come across in my life and I hope I hope that you are extremely proud of yourself and I hope you don't hold any responsibility for what has happened to your sister because that is not your fault nothing that has happened to you is your fault I can only imagine this must take it out of you every single time you tell your story and I know you've done a hundred podcasts which is incredible because that's so many people that are hearing your story but every single time that is traumatic for you I imagine so I can't thank you enough for your time today no thanks so much

and it's really important that everyone just knows that somebody cares that i care it's really important you're an incredible woman nina thank you people like yourselves enable the voice to be heard further and i i'm really appreciative i don't take anything for granted thank you so much We'll see you next time. We'll be right back.