Life Uncut - Your Christmas & New Years Bonus Accidentally Unfiltered

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

Hey Lifers!This is an entire episode of your most embarrassing stories from Christmas and New Years!Some of these have us crawling up in a ball from the sheer horror of how mortifying they are!Also, please enter 'bulbous vulvus" and 'gashit' into your vocabulary.  If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to a very special bonus episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this seemed very fitting. It's been a while since we have done a bonus episode of Accidentally Unfiltered and we thought what better time than to make a Christmas New Year's themed of Accidentally Unfiltered. Do you know what? When we say it's been a while, we've not done a bonus Accidentally Unfiltered episode in over a year, Britt.

That's how fast it's been. Wow, that's how fast it's been. That's how fast time flies when you're having fun. No, we used to do these all the time. We would do like a bonus Accidentally Unfiltered episode on dating or on travel or like wherever your life may have been thrown into chaotic ruins we used to do them and then for some reason we stopped and then we had a moment where we were like what better way to bring some jolly christmas cheer than to talk about how you fucked up your christmas once upon

a time so we have some some pretty funny some pretty questionable accidentally unfiltered so somewhere i'm like i feel for you you know when i'm even recoiling on myself now as i talk about it you know how sometimes you'll read something and you're like i don't know you but i'm more to five like i love that but i also think off the back of this you guys are going to be having embarrassing moments that happen this year currently you'll be having your own new fresh accidentally unfiltered over the christmas new year's period so we want you to tell us those in the new year as well do you think there's anyone who's listening to this who's like new to the podcast and has just somehow clicked on this episode and has no fucking idea what an

accidentally unfiltered is look it's your most embarrassing story it's a moment where you could wish you'd rather die or like sink or bury yourself the world would open up and swallow you whole if you had that choice it's that weird time of year where you're between Christmas and New Year's and you're so full of food and you don't know what day of the week it is or who you are or what you even stand for anymore so we thought what better time you know what you stand for no I don't I this is just a confusing time for everyone it is festive purgatory that's what I call it's like all the festivities of running to one that you're in this limbo you're not on a high anymore you're not on a low the food coma has you're very confused and this is exactly what

you need on that day it's also the moment that you probably make the embarrassing moment maybe you're like, maybe you're relaxed or stressed. There's only two types of feelings that you could be. It's a hundred or none. All right. I'm going to kickstart. I live alone and I had just gotten out of the shower, was walking around my apartment in the nude. I love being in the nude. Hey, I think this is like me. I was admiring the Christmas tree that I had put up that afternoon. And I just thought, wow, that looks so good. It deserves a pick for our girls group chat. The tree lights were sparkling the baubles were shining christmas was on point some would say i slayed oh she had to put that in for fun very good i took the picture of this tree and press send as soon as i

pressed send i realized that my baubles were so shiny they acted like a mirror and captured my completely naked body from head to toe i'm just glad i noticed before i sent it to my work hr chat okay who no do you know what this is fine i have no issue with this because i don't think that anybody cares as much about your tree as you care about your tree that they're zooming in on the reflection of the baubles if it's a close-up and there's a giant your tit is on a bauble a hundred percent people care do you think anyone would notice yes i do i think that this is a great idea if if you were trying to like get in with somebody like if there's a guy or girl that you like and you're like how do i flex a little bit without knowing how do i put those feelers

out this is what you should do get nude pretend it was a complete accident make sure like the lighting's good you're on point the nude the angles are good send the christmas tree and then pretend you're mortified at your hot sexy naked photo that you accidentally sent one might call it the titty tree send a titty tree send your titty tree nothing more festive than a little titty tree the christmas catfish titty tree all right this is absolutely disgusting it's putrid actually but you know what it really takes me back to like old school day one accidentally unfiltered stories so you could probably know where i'm going with this six years ago my partner and i went out to a bar on christmas eve we got very drunk and we stayed with my parents to wake

up for their christmas morning early christmas morning i'm still half drunk and half asleep and I went to the toilet and did a classic after grog bog I go back to sleep with very happy guts I wake up on Christmas morning to my partner shaking me awake and to my horror the room absolutely fucking stank turns out I in fact did not make it to the toilet and I actually just did a poo and I popped a squat in the corner of the room and took a shit on my partner's pants as we were at my parents place i had to find anything i could to clean it up in the room then make up an excuse that his pants got a little bit dirty the night before so that i could rush downstairs and do some washing no i am so grateful for my incredible partner as we are still together and

to this day he has kept my secret for me but every so often he'll come out with a sly comment in front of people just for a giggle imagine doing a shit in the bedroom i am shook it's like you have to be that intoxicated to just squat down you're not even sitting on anything you just squat and take a dump and then you don't even smell it and then don't you flush what did you do with the flush did you pull like a coat hanger like pull a shirt out of the thing like the thing for me is like if you normally went and use squat toilets i would understand but we very few people are using squat toilets i do and so you use a squat toilet i'm just a hole in your back no i don't have anything i'm not saying there's anything wrong with them what i'm saying is like if that's your normal

toilet, then I would understand it. But I would say most people who live in Australia are sitting on a ceramic toilet. So the fact that like there was nothing along the line that caused a little flare up in her mind where she was like, oh, red flag. I think I might be doing something that's a bit weird. It's quite alarming. Imagine being the partner who wakes up and there's just a poop in your own pants. Oh, wait. Oh, maybe it wasn't her. Maybe she did actually go to the toilet, did the poo. Maybe he pooped in his own pants and then blamed her. Gas litter. Oh my God, a gas shitter it's a christmas it's a christmas gas shitter he gas shit yeah that's what this is is that only we just coined a new term gas shit up okay this is disgusting also should i break

up the disgusting one oh whatever go for it i don't care this all right part of me thinks that this can't be true but tell me what you think one new year's eve i was getting ready to drive to the beach my dog was a big jerk my dog was a big german shepherd i was in bed about to get up When he put his front feet on the bed so that he could say hello. I was patting his head laying down when I saw he was moving funny. I slightly lifted my head to see what he was doing when I got hit in the eye and cheek with his semen. He was obviously humping the side of the bed,

but I mistook that from him saying hello. I unfortunately put my head up at the wrong time and he shot me in the eye. I got dog cum all down my face and it was bloodshot for hours. That is. Surely no. Merry Christmas. Here's your present. I love you.

How far are these dogs ejaculating? No, I'm not okay. We don't need to unpack that. But that's a fierce, that is fierce. That is a solid half a metre to a metre of ejaculation and the aim to get a bullseye in the eyeball. Like surely that's an infection. Pink eye for sure.

That's pink eye right there. You didn't shoot it out the butt. I mean it could be. Who knows? But is that real? Yeah, I think it is real. I don't think anyone is that sick that they would think to make up that story to then write that in as their Christmas accidentally unfiltered

because that really is not in the Christmas spirit of things. You got lucky but in the wrong way. Okay, I'm a nurse in a cancer ward, which is not like not ha-ha funny. No, not at all. No. I'm a nurse in a cancer ward. We always dress up in festive scrubs and accessories during December. One year I went into my patient to introduce myself in a reindeer scrub shirt

and an antler headband. my patient said oh you're a reindeer like rudolph and i said yes i'm rudolph without the nose the only thing was my patient didn't have a nose and he had had it removed because of his cancer so as soon as the words came out of my mouth they lingered in the air as i just recoiled internally the nurse with me could barely hold back the gasp and then her own awkward laughter the patient was beautiful and just smiled at me with no hard feelings i still want to go into a hole when i think about it to this day i can't believe i fucking said that why why did i have to mention the nose i actually have i have two stories off the back of this i have one too

okay so one is actually my mom my mom not that long ago your mom says the most fucked up shit my mom is the most this is what we say about her the most unintentionally funny person you'll meet you know those people that you are laughing at constantly but it's they're not meaning to i also think your mom's a liability like if she was on a podcast she would be cancelled oh your mom is getting canceled she's president nixon we call her she's very funny no this it just made me think i think it was last year but she she my mom comes out with all these one-liners she loves them not one-liners like jokes but actual sayings she loves a saying like you know like flat out like a lizard drinking like she just loves these things out of here like a rat up a drainpipe yes so she was in

the in a store she was working she was just having a conversation she loves to chit chat with a weird woman and she said to him oh well you know you know it's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick she had one eye the woman had one eye yeah she had a glass on it mom's like as soon as i said it she's like it was coming out of my mouth and her brain was like stop it nikki and she just said she just delivered it and then what do you do you commit she just she just screwed past it she didn't apologize and say anything oh i can't if your mom had a bugger she's definitely getting cancer 100 okay i was at my in-laws house last christmas and my daughter had received a karaoke machine from santa one of those new fancy ones where your phone connects to

via Bluetooth. Anyway, she was chuffed. The kids were having the best time choosing songs on my phone and singing to us all day. Fast forward to that night, I snuck away for five minutes and decided to check my Instagram stories. Now, my friend does a yearly PowerPoint presentation of her dating life. She does full profiles. She puts pictures in, ratings, the works. I was super excited to see these stories, but my phone wasn't playing audio. I was looking at the Instagram stories my friend talking in excruciatingly hilarious detail about the guy she dated the things that went wrong how bad sex was i realized all of a sudden my phone was connected to the kid's karaoke machine in the living room oh no i need details on what she was talking about i need

like the deep description of how descriptive it was i mean she has said she was talking about penis shapes penis sizes how good they were in the bedroom things that they didn't didn't do she rated their dates she went the whole hog I kind of like this not about like the not the bodily aspect of it but I kind of like a year in review of your dating life I think we all need to start doing it not me because I'm married but like you know that would be weird but if you're not married and you're dating I think it's a really great time to reflect on how far you have or haven't come she goes the best part was my extremely religious in-laws were listening to my friend explain how good of a quote root this guy was who says root these days did you root him also though the fact

that it's playing through a kid's karaoke machine and they're all just standing there trying to sing taylor swift and there's mom's friend talking about i don't even know who the guy yeah whatever rooting they will at least the kids don't know what rooting is i think it's a great i think this whole powerpoint presentation of like your dating life interview is great i don't agree with the photos we should never post people's photos of their dating profile no go for it we do not close friends have a giggle no but i fucking love the rest of it okay well anyway look i think it's okay to have a little giggle here and there i had new years in byron bay with a group of friends a few years ago the night was filled with dancing and hooking up with backpackers what a way to

bring in the new years when we thought it was about time to go back to our accommodation which was 30 minutes drive inland from the esplanade we tried to book an uber home but then realized ubers and taxis weren't really a thing in byron at that time of night all way too drunk to drive home we decided it was best to walk the two hours back to the accommodation oh that's disaster we started on our journey at around 2 30 a.m and we were making good progress after walking for around 40 minutes we thought we would just have a break and sat down on the side of the road i decided to sit down and stretch out my legs approximately 20 seconds after sitting i started to get this excruciating burning sensation from my lady bits i just got to my feet and then i started to scream

I realised I had been sitting on an ant's nest and my vagina had been bitten by 20 more ants. We aren't just talking about the outer skin. I was being bitten inside. I was bitten everywhere. My friends started to panic and tried to stop cars so that we could hitchhike from the side of the highway. What are you going to stop a car and say my girlfriend's labia is on fire?

It didn't work. While I'm screaming, crying and still trying to get the ants off my vagina, we eventually got back to our accommodation at around 5.30 in the morning. My vagina was so swollen it needed a bed just for itself. it was that big my start to the year was filled with absolutely no sex as my vagina was so small and i couldn't walk and a new year's story i was too ashamed to tell anyone about imagine having your vagina being blown up by an ant bite i didn't have my vagina blown up by an ant bite but i did fall into an ant nest where they went up luckily not my labia i must have had tight undies on but

they were all over my butt must have been a g-banger my butt my like my stomach my i fell into a giant nest i remember this one might call it a bulbous vulvas i was wondering where you're gonna go i could see your brain ticking i was like she's on i was like this sounds very bulbous for your vulva vulvas for all of your vulvas for your plural for your multiple the one vulva like it is a beautiful little christmas bauble vulvas you can hang it up little round ball a red very festive rudolph nose oh that sucks man i've been like attacked by a nest of ants before and if it is vagina not on my sensitive lady parts but on my back i would just lay down i was in townsville at my dad's terry burns house and i laid down in the backyard laid my towel down

laid down was having a little rest and then all of a sudden it was almost at once about five or six bites and it was my lower back and i had laid down almost on top of an ant's nest and they'd climbed up the sides and were all biting my back they're little fuckers aren't they and australia has animals like nowhere else in the world like are there other killer ants in other countries probably i would say places like any sort of hot arid environment might have the amazon or something i ate an ant did you yeah they're very peppery i ate an ant in the amazon that's what we think of it okay like you just have to pick it up out of its nest because i was on a survival course have you ever eaten just a normal ant like a normal black ant that we have running around

Like have you ever picked up a piece of food that had ants on it and accidentally eaten them because they taste fucking disgusting. Why are you eating ants? They're so bad. This is taking a strange turn. Merry Christmas, everyone. No, just accidentally one day I remember when I was in primary school. It's such a profound memory of mine because I remember picking up something

and eating it. I think it was chocolate buds and it ended up being covered in ants and so I ate a whole heap of ants in one go and it was so bitter and so disgusting. They taste horrible. They are a delicacy in a lot of places but I don't understand why you would want to imagine how many ants it takes you to fill up like to sit there and eat a meal quote of ants green ants of any ant you'd want big ones wouldn't you you wouldn't want to

go for the tiny little black ones take it twice as long i don't recommend it but if you want to go out there and validate me please go and try some ants this summertime and then let me know what you think laura they're a living animal nah no one cares about ants they don't it's not like bees. People care about bees. Bees are important. What is the really amazing movie? Ant Life. Once you've watched that, you would never eat an ant. You would never. Brittany, it's a cartoon. Yeah, but there's a cute little personalities like ants are really cute. We're really getting off topic. All right. This happened a little while ago when my daughter was very little. She was only seven years old and she was so excited that she had finally saved up all of her allowances, all of

her pocket money to be able to buy presents for those that she wanted to this year. And this was such a big achievement for her because she had literally done jobs around the house and saved as much money as she could so that she could buy specific people presents that she thought they would love that's actually so sweet now seven-year-olds are not necessarily the best at choosing gifts and for nana she had chosen this little cherub which was like a little ornament that goes on the tree a cherub angel that you would hang with a little ribbon around it and had orange curly hair nana seemed to love it when she gave her the gift fast forward 12 months later my daughter being eight at the time received her christmas presents that next year and nana had

given her a present now it turns out that nan forgot who she received the little cherub ornament for and had gifted the little cherub right back to my daughter fuck you nana fuck you nana fuck you my daughter was absolutely devastated and it ended her bawling her eyes out when she realized that Nana really didn't like her gift do you know what this is Nana didn't not like it Nana wasn't prepared and Nana's memory's bad Nana's got Alzheimer's do you know why do you know why I feel this because like one of my core memories my core memories of growing up was that at Easter time oh god I was like this is so bad but I understand now because I'm a mum myself right I in primary school had made this card for my mum and it was Easter time but it was a fucking egg

made out of popcorn so I'd glued all the little bits of popcorn onto this card in the shape of an egg and then I'd painted the popcorn so it was this like three-dimensional popcorn and I remember it taking me so long and I was so proud of the Easter popcorn card that I'd made right yeah and I gave it to my mum and I was like oh this is fridge like nailed it oh this is prime fridge It's like smack bang in the middle, not the freezer, not the side. It's getting the main magnet, four magnets. This is centre fridge stage and I was like she's going to love this. Like I've really outdone myself.

This is the best thing I've ever made. It took me ages as well. Gave it to my mum. She seemed like she was stoked. She was like, yeah, my child is a creative genius. Take it till you make it. Well, my mum is also a very good actress because I remember the next day I opened the bin to put something in out the back and there it was,

my popcorn cart. It hadn't even lasted a day. but wouldn't you have noticed that it wasn't on the fridge yeah well i don't know whether i don't know the excuse she gave me but normally i wouldn't go in there it's like when people came in with something on their butt i fell on it normally i wouldn't go to the back bin like i wouldn't go to the bin at the back of the house the big proper like house garbage bin i would just put things in the garbage bin inside and my mom would do that like that was her job but i remember going up to the back bin to put something in maybe it wasn't the next day maybe i'm exaggerating it

was like a week later but it was just there just like just like at the bottom of the bin just sitting there like she didn't care she just discarded my hard work and it crushed me devastating i know i still i've held on to it i'm 37 i still think about it sometimes okay so i think we can feel it's my roman empire god damn it it actually goes to show you too doesn't it it goes to show you that your parents can traumatize you in ways they never knew yep one little thing fuck how old are you 30 years ago and like you're still traumatized but i still think about the egg that was made out of popcorn that i put so much effort into okay so this is the last one i'm gonna finish on this wasn't me but it was a patient many many moons ago i just reminded myself of it

with my comment before on like people that fall on things in coming to the hospital like basically people that put things up their butt foreign object anal things go wrong in the bedroom with exploration and the butthole sucks things up like a vacuum but people don't know that and then it's really hard to get out so the number of people that come into us with foreign objects in their butt it wasn't even weird for me anymore like the things that i could tell you like the things i tell me i need to know i want to know all of them a great one that i loved was a toilet brush but the other end like the spiky end well yeah like you would hold the plunge a bit and the bristly bit was the bit that went up the butt that would hurt so much toy cars are actually more common

than you think which is so weird what is it about a toy car like what broom broom why are you trying to put it in your bum bum maybe it's the wheels like the i don't like a matchbox i don't know i don't actually ask them so tell me why you chose the car like i don't ask them that do i think it's a worthwhile question i think eventually as a healthcare professional if enough people are coming with toy cars in their assholes i feel like someone should be asked deodorant cans big one probably because they're smooth like that would make sense to me yeah the can is smooth so deodorant cans are a big one toothbrushes batteries which is very dangerous you can get battery poisoning from that lithium poisoning do not ever do that battery you could just poop it out like something

small surely if it just gets stuck in there you just might travel up it travels it's like a this is like a freeway okay but the one that i was thinking of oh my god actually this is the worst one this isn't christmas related i did have a christmas related one no i need the christmas related one first let's keep it on theme i'll do that last i'll finish with the christmas this is the worst one in the butt this is so fucking rank out of every this is like this wasn't my patient this is one that was like urban legend well it was someone in tasmania which i shouldn't say has anything to do with it but it was just all of our tasmanian listeners are now simultaneously offended no i'm saying the location because i think it does matter when i tell you what it was

they had an entire sheep in their ass not far off no this went around the medical world but it was a kangaroos just the tail you know how people cull kangaroos it was a real kangaroo that they had taken the tail off and the whole tail was up their butt in their bowel how skinny how just a long because kangaroos have lots of little bones so you can see all the bones in the x-rays go all the way up of all the things that you could fuck in your ass why would a kangaroo tail be be up there dude your your questions as good as mine we don't ask that i would rather a toilet brush cleaner than a kangaroo's tail but the christmas one think of the kangaroos i would rather a toilet brush too i reckon actually

i would not do it i'm not doing it think about the toilet brush clean as a whistle think about how tidy you'd be after that think about how it would come out that's what he was trying to do he was trying to tidy he was cleaning the toilet bowl and then he was like that works that is an effective way of getting poo off the sides while we're here instead of an enema i just gave a little toilet douche no the christmas one that i could think of there are plenty of other butt things that people fall on guys you're so clumsy be better i want to guess was it a bauble yes it was a bauble it was a bauble it was a bauble and what they thought they were going to do is you know how baubles have the string that attaches it's gonna pull it out well he had hooked his

finger into that piece of string that hooks over the tree with the thought and it's a great thought right that that's the anchor so the bauble went in and he had the string anchored to do what he wanted with but that is a fragile little piece of string it flapped open and the bauble went up that's so dangerous because baubles are usually glass i don't know what it was made of plastic let's hope but people need to be better Merry Christmas like shoots out baubles let me put the star on the tree wow that took a real turn but there's nothing more festive as a as a health care worker than finding a bauble in an arsehole it was the best Christmas I've ever had truly is like it's the star on the tree and the bauble in the butt that really did it for you guys

Merry Christmas we hope that you are having the most incredible time of year and if you're not we hope that this episode brought you a few little giggles to get you through the podcast hiatus because most people are on break at the moment and it is a fucking dry time in the world of content. Also, guys, we are absolutely, like my only message is there is nothing against butt play, but please be careful. If you're going to anchor something, anchor it well. Make sure you have a firm grip on that.

I'm all for it. Butt play is great, but just make sure you use- Hold on to it. Use apparatuses that have been specifically designed for the butt. Sex apparatuses. Yeah, use things. Like there's so many things to choose from now. It's like we're not skim on choice like we used to be.

Back in the day, there weren't that many things out there. But now, so many plugs. There's a lot of kangaroos out there. So many turtles, so many baubles, so little time. And speaking of that, we've got to go. Happy holidays, everybody. Thanks so much, guys. Join up on the Facebook group if you want to keep on having some laughs.

Send us your accidentally unfiltered stories. You can follow along on TikTok or on Instagram at Life Uncut Podcast. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.