Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Big Guy with Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

Comedian Rachel Feinstein joins Chelsea to talk about bulbous asses, what life is like being married to a fireman, and making her mother cry.  Then: A new mom wants her child to get to know her grandmother, even if she’s intolerable. A Canadian expat struggles to find a way to make his Norwegian ex part of his life.  And a maid of honor gone rogue threatens to keep the wedding photos from the bride.    * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine. How's Mallorca, Chelsea?

Sunny and beautiful. Everything's going very well in Mallorca. Who did you have this past week? I have my sisters, and I have about five girlfriends. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, exciting. That's really nice. We've been having a really nice time together. I've been training everyone, physically training.

Oh, yeah. Because I'm the Ange of my group when Ange is not around. Ange is my lunatic friend from Whistler who runs marathons in three and a half hours. Truly, the amount of like e-bike hours that we logged when we were there. And I only did like half of them and I still logged plenty. I know, I know. But you know what I love about being in Mallorca is my thighs are so firm. They are so firm from riding my fucking bike all day long.

and exercising and walking up and down to the lighthouse, my legs almost get thicker. And I love the density. It's like when I ski a lot, my thighs get bigger, you know? So I'm just trying to keep my thighs big all year round for skiing. You know what they say, thick thighs save lives. Oh, is that right? Okay, well, I'm saving lives left and right with my thick thighs.

I have been working out with a trainer and like all she has me do is squats. And my ass is like round and fantastic now. Oh, it takes two weeks to get your ass lifted. If you want to get your ass lifted, all you do is butt exercises for two weeks and your ass lifts. I never had an ass. My sisters don't have asses. I am the only one who's cultivated one because I realized you could make one out of nothing. Out of a pancake.

Chelsea, I have a little. A dipsy doodle? A dipsy do. So this is somebody who wrote in after our Jane Fonda episode. We had that email from Jen who had been a sex worker and was having trouble dating. And this is from Jill who was also a sex worker. Oh, thank you. It says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a former stripper who met my husband in the strip club 20 years ago.

And yes, we're still together. I know two other women who met their husband in strip clubs and are still together because their relationships morphed over time. They picked people who could, quote, see who they were. I don't think these men are all that rare because I've been out as a stripper throughout my work and have had relationships with men who respect me all my life in work and in friendship. Was it easy meeting a partner? No. But if you carry yourself with confidence and self-assuredness, people will see that you demand respect. If anyone says anything out of line, read them.

We all develop that skill on the job. Finding a good partner in general is difficult. What are the key characteristics you want to find in a partner? Put those first. Don't be ashamed of your past. Wear it like a badge of honor. Good. You are resilient and amazing and have done it and then started your own business.

I went on to make documentaries, write plays, screenplays, win awards doing that, and then became a boxer. 2015 National Golden Gloves Champion. My husband accepts and loves all those versions of me. You can find that too. Ah, look at that. What a positive, optimistic note. Thank you. We have such fucking great listeners.

That's awesome. And it's great because if someone out there has had this very specific experience, there's somebody else out there who knows exactly how they feel. But anyway, should we get to today's guest? Our guest today is a hilarious comedian who is on tour right now, and her new special, Big Guy, debuted in the top 10 of Netflix, now streaming on Netflix. Please welcome Rachel Feinstein. Rachel, how excited are we that we're going to get to tour together? I know. I'm so excited to be in Hawaii.

We're going to Hawaii together in July, right? We're going to July. We're going to Honolulu and Maui. I can't wait for some Hawaii whoring. I know. It's going to be amazing. I love to get my groove on in Hawaii because it's filled with my type of men. What's that? What type is that? Large Samoan. Large Samoan looking men. That's my type. A hefty Samoan. I had no idea. I like elderly men and large Samoan type builds. I like that build for a friend or for a lover. I like a corpulent figure. You know what I mean?

Well, you're worth it. Thank you. First, I want to congratulate you on your new special, Big Guy, which was just recently premiered on Netflix where everybody can stream it. Congratulations. Are you happy with your special? Did you love it? It was hard to watch myself, but now... Oh, it's the worst. Yeah, it's hard. When I was editing it, I was just like, shut up, what have I ever needed to say? I kept screaming at myself and calling myself a pig,

and I screamed that so much that I asked one of the producers if I could call the special America's Favorite Pig, and they said no. But I still think it would be a fun, loving name for a show. It would. America's Favorite Pig is great, and I think you could have called it that. Thank you, Chelsea.

Yeah. Why would why would anyone stop that? That's up to you. That's like saying I want to name my book America's Favorite Pig. What is they going to say? No, that's not going to be popular, maybe. But go for it. I had to watch. I was listening to a set of mine the other night because I did a bunch of new stuff and I was like, oh, can you guys give me, you know, the recording of that? And I was listening to it for less than two minutes before I was like, who fucking cares what I said? I cannot listen to this bitch for one more second. it. I want to close myself like a box when I listen. I'm like, what have you ever needed to get out there? Especially when I really use the stage and just kind of like saunter around. Yeah, I do that all the time. I saunter. I think it's better to use the stage. You know, Zach Galifianakis once said to me, you have to use the stage as a comedian. And before he said that, I didn't walk around on stage. And I was like, what does he mean by that? And then I started walking around on stage. I'm like, I think this is more dynamic than just standing there. Like, Yeah. I don't want to just stand somewhere like you are talking. You would normally be moving around. So these are profound core self-esteem issues that I have and nothing else. What other self-esteem issues do you want to work on? Let's get to it because I can help. What kind of bathing suit equipment do you think you'll be bringing to Hawaii, Rachel?

When you mentioned on Instagram that I should wear a thong, I was like, no one needs that. I don't think I look good in a thong. No one should be wearing a thong. First of all, thongs are so disgusting. I don't even want to wear them. They make me hate myself. I don't even want to wear them as underwear anymore. It's too problematic.

There are too many things. I have to phase out into a full panty. The problem with the full panty, though, is that when you wear very tight jeans, it flattens my ass and I don't have a bulbous ass. So I need all the lift I can get when I wear a full panty. It does a mush, you know? Yes, me too. There's a sadness to a full panty. I agree. It smushes me. But a thong, no one needs that. I'd send somebody into a low-grade depression. There's a real supply and demand issue with my dumb ass and a thong. Yeah, there's not really, I mean, I don't really think that I've ever seen a thong and thought that looks good. yeah it's hypothetically good yeah but no yeah i need i need like unless i'm like paris filtered

like triple paris filtered nobody no one needs that at all but i'm excited for hawaii like that's something i need right now like i've been well you've been hustling yeah yeah i've been hurling my body to every dumb place on the road and i'm like yeah i need to lay still on a beach right right well i know that your special debuted in the top 10 so that's very exciting which means people are loving it that was cool and your dms this in the last year you sent me a couple messages about some dumb video i made like made my day and i i can't explain to you how much because you know i mean i've been doing stand-up for what feels like 70 years so i really feel like i'm just in the winter of my life right now so the fact that i'm like oh my god okay people watch it i

was just like didn't want it to get buried so it felt really cool that like people are actually watching it now. And I'm like, I just want to start writing uber blacks, at least, you know, that's kind of my goal with this. Like it's been, I did everything the long way. Like I've been a road woman for a lot of years. So like, I need this. Did you sleep with a lot of comics on the road? Just so much head, Chelsea. There wasn't a moment I wasn't on my hands and knees. So much dick sucking. I know. That's where dick sucking really comes into its own. It's on the road.

my whole family too yeah just generations of feinsteins just just really getting passed around just so that i can get this heart generations of dick sucking wow that's amazing a long line of godless whores my grandmother said when i was a very small girl i never met a dick that i wasn't fond of not one not one dick no i don't know i didn't have i wasn't good at any aspect of the business there's no business left it's silly to even say that but whatever it was I wasn't good at it I was just on the road forever so like it feels I'm just hoping this helps and it like can can move some tickets for me yeah change my life a little bit right absolutely let's how how long have you been doing stand-up really like 24 5 25 years yeah I moved

to New York when I was like 17 with this guy and his band called Dick Sister and then I Dick Sister dumped me and I stayed in New York and he kind of like undumped me and redumped me a few times like I wasn't really taking the dump and I would just try to kind of hang near his house in Staten Island where he lived with the rest of his band and then I just stayed here and started doing open mics and stuff and getting fired from different jobs first and I felt like at best I was going to be like homeless if I didn't do this you know like there wasn't I wish I could have been one of those people that was like about to be a doctor but I made this like noble choice to leave it all for the arts but this was it like I was failed wildly in school so yeah and your

husband's a fireman which you talk about in the special so he's an American hero he is he's a technical hero but he infuriates me like he's an emotional desert but a fun-loving guy a good hang for sure yeah firemen are great like for you can say anything to them that's that's what works he's my husband's almost like an accidental feminist like he he doesn't care what I do I could I could be out doing whatever with standout like i could spend the night at some comics house um get passed around no but just really like just some platonic guy that doesn't even see me as a woman but pete wouldn't question that he's just kind of like you're on your own but if i ever explain what a feminist was to him he probably thinks they're like nazis or something like they run a little

dumb in that way but strangely enough it took a fireman because every other guy like they got a kick out of what i did for like you know like a week and then they were like forget this like she's working on christmas or and pete is working on christmas so it's kind of like he gets the life and they have their thing and in a weird way like firefighting like they're they have a kitchen table where they hang and when you walk in as a regular person you can feel the chemicals in that room change and it feels like you know like at the cellar when when a normal person we call them civilians which is hilarious but like when a normal person walks into the room like you can feel that whole energy change in the room like uh like somebody a comic said this recently they're

like oh he brought his like civilian girlfriend and she had to sit at the table but it's kind of similar like and he has that weird world that we have so there's not really any envy there and comics and firemen like they don't want anything the other one has so he's a pretty good hang with comics he doesn't try to be funny like he's a good laugher you know he doesn't step on anything they're trying to do so it strangely like works yeah what about your child how long have you had your child oh my god where is she she is four years old I have a little kid so you've had her for four years is that correct for four years that is correct how is mother how is motherhood going for you as a comedian as a working woman late night working woman it's hard I feel like

I'm not pulling anything off completely but I have a lot of female comic friends and I still relate to comedians more than like regular moms you know so like I'm on like a chat with Rosebud and Whitney and other other comic moms that kind of like help each other with weird tips on how to do it. Michelle Wolf has a kid I was just talking with her at the cellar last night. So that helps me try to like figure it all out. I'm not in any way pulling it off. Like just before we got on this zoom, I bribed my daughter with like a series of things. There was just so that she wouldn't walk in this room like there was a bribe and then there's like a threat of a bribe to being taken away. I'm like, I'll give you this. And if you walk in here, I'll take this away, which I call

thrive. So there's like a series of like hard negotiations that went on before I brought that random teenager in here to do the audio. So I'm not pulling anything off. But I feel like she kind of at this point, she's not I'm not a scheduled person. She's grown up half in a firehouse, like half on the road with me. So like, she's kind of not she's not expecting that. Like she knows she looks at me like she can tell I'm not in charge of anything. Yeah, that's how I felt growing up I knew my parents had no say like I was like this is you guys are not making decisions around here like I'll come in hot and take over I think it's good to know I mean because first of all nothing bad comes from a girl especially that grows up a little faster I think that's

always yields good results yeah you know what I agree with you yeah shake it out you shake out your naughtiness when you're younger and then by the time you're like in your 20s you're over all that well maybe I completely agree with you because I was a really bad kid I did acid when I was like 13 like every weekend I had like an appointment to do acid with like six of my friends and I mean we were just deep pigs we would go up on like some sign in this neighborhood and just moon people in the area we're like oh we're mooning now like we had our asses out all the time we were always doing drugs and then by the time I was like 17 and moved to New York with dumb dick sister I was like yeah I'd done all the kind of ridiculousness I'd gotten out of my system

and I was able to like focus a little more and like stand up I do think it's those kids that like really run a tight ship in high school. Then they start their real problematic whoring later on or drug use or whatever. Yeah, I agree with that. Better to get the whore out soon. Early, early, get rid of the whore early so that you can really start to thrive in your 20s and 30s for sure. Yes. I was definitely like, I was a problem. I know somebody that knows you. He said you were very cool. He grew up in Jersey near you. He said you were always cool and could kind of like hang from young like you seemed like a comic at the table very young were you like hanging with a group of guys or like what was your high school situation who knows I mean I in my mind I was in

high school when I was born like I was trapped in a baby's body and I felt like a woman the minute I was born and all I wanted to do was woman be a woman I was like when can I get be a woman like that was my favorite line to say like as soon I'll be a woman and you won't be able to tell me what to do I know you mean because like I love I used to love this show when I was a little kid called Moonlighting because I loved office tension. I was like, I want to grow up one day and have sexual tension in an office. Those were my goals. Totally. Totally. First of all, working in an office when you were watching Moonlighting, working in an office seemed sexy. You were like, oh, that's sexy. Like an office job with these skirts. I'll wear skirts

and heels and then I'll fuck my colleague. It seems so fun, right? So fun, yeah. I played this game i talked about it in like my first half hour many years ago but i used to play this game with my catholic friend i wanted to be catholic so bad i just wanted those one of those names that like oh rachel o feinstein or some shit and we would play this game where she would throw me on the bed and we worked in an office her name was harry company she was the boss and we would play this game in her dad's office like he had no idea we were playing this weird whoring game in his office and um she would go like chrissy get me my briefs and i'd be like i'm doing the best i can mr company. My tits just get confused. I think that was all for moonlighting. It was very much like

a porn. Yeah, I know. Porns were not dissimilar to those programs. I guess maybe because it was set in the same time frame. But there is a lot of porn represented like porn like vibes in shows like Moonlighting. And what was that other? Not Dallas and Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara was awesome. That was a soap opera though. That was during the day. Yeah. I once tried to call Kelly Capwell directly because I was so obsessed with Robin Wright that I looked up Kelly Capwell. I was so young. I didn't understand that was a character's name. And I looked her up in the phone book in Santa Barbara and called someone named Kelly Capwell. I was obsessed with that bitch. Fucking gorgeous. The most beautiful family of all time. The actress's name is Marcy

Walker. I was completely and utterly obsessed with her. I would just like hump a pillow and pretend it was Cruz that like hot Latin cop also they were sending so many weird messages with that show because something happened to her like she was like assaulted or something and then she was always on this bed getting extra attention to from men opposed to salt like I didn't know what that was she was like she had like a concussion for like nine weeks or whatever like 90 weeks soap opera that time where you know you've been kidnapped three times in between that time but she was like lying in bed every episode so she could go right just basically to set her up for more sexual assault and we're tuning in like we can't wait to see it we're like when when's it

gonna happen next it was so sick and she was always kind of dewy and hot and just everything I wasn't just like blonde and fucking like straight silky blonde I wanted to be her and she was always laying on that bed and then this hot cop would just keep coming back and tending to her I'm like this is the life I want I'm ordering this life I want to lay on some kind of bed and snack on it and just have somebody avenging something on my behalf have your husband avenge a fire why can't he avenge my husband you don't want to go missing for weeks before he would look for me it's like he's not jealous to like such a problematic point I've tried to make him jealous and he's like yeah he could give a shit like it would be somebody could make a suit out

of my skin and he wouldn't follow up he's very anal neat about like house stuff like I feel like if I was missing he'd be emptying the dishwasher first like he'd finish emptying the dishwasher yeah he's non-plussed by everything that's the word for it non-plussed when you have no reaction Although it also says it's also the opposite of having no reaction. It's having no reaction and having the opposite of no reaction. I'm like, isn't that two different words? Antonyms? What the fuck are you talking about?

That's what I do, though. In my spare time, I look words up in the dictionary to understand why I can't speak clearly or correctly. On that note, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers?

Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place.

Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. This week, we'd love to hear about your conundrums with parents. If there's something you're working through with a parent or need some help navigating a relationship issue, write in to DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And we're back with Rachel Feinstein, whose new special is called Big Guy. Big Guy. Yeah, that's my husband's nickname for me. Yeah, he calls you Big Guy.

Your husband calls you Big Guy. He does. Would you consider yourself the man of the house? No, but I think he might. I mean, he just doesn't know how to compliment a woman. He's like just worthless romantically. He gave me, Chelsea, I'm not making this up, a $50 Amazon gift card for my birthday, like 50 bucks.

And you know, there was a moment where he was like 75 and then he was like, nah, not for her. 50 feels right. My driver once told me it was her birthday. I said, what did you get Carolyn? He said, I'm just going to give her some cash, Chell. I was like, no, no, no, you're not, you fucking idiot. Yeah, his wife, cash.

I was like Billy pull over we need to talk I'm like you're an idiot nothing makes me more delighted than when you trash men for their nonsense it's like my specific brand of what delights me more than anything else when you call men to task on their utter horseshit it makes me so happy cash is somehow worse than Amazon gift card it's worse it's dumber yeah it's Like, do I work for you? I don't understand. Is that a tip? What is that?

The thing is that he lives with men at a house for half his fucking life. Like, he doesn't come back smarter from this house he lives at. So not hot. Men are so good at being not hot. You know what I mean? It's like, that's not hot. I need to explain to you that that's not hot. Okay.

What do we have in store for us, Catherine? Oh, so many things. Well, our first email comes from Richie. Reggie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not sure whether or not I should be upset with my partner. We've been together for over three years and currently have a house together and two dogs. Our lives are very intertwined, and while I love him and care very deeply for him— You're very intertwined because you fucking live together. What do you mean your lives are intertwined?

This is a weird thing to mention. You're right. Clearly, yeah. We spend a lot of time together, but some things from our past have come up. Recently, while chatting with a mutual friend, I learned that in our first year of dating, he didn't take us very seriously and was constantly hitting on and flirting with other people. I would like to believe he isn't anymore, especially since he's been honest about how he was in the first year of dating. But since I'm just finding out about it,

I'm feeling betrayed and honestly pissed. But we're a couple, literally a couple years removed from this. So do I have a right to be upset about it? Do I need to just move on and accept what happened in the first year? Oh, I like this question. That is an interesting question. It is interesting because that would piss me off. Retroactively finding out that something happen that's just that's just the kind of recipe that would piss me off also I also feel like admitting to something and admitting to just a little bit of what you actually did that is like one tried and true tactic of a lifelong liar like I've been wildly cheated on just like an insane unimaginable shit that I was like wait a second I would ask this question to her is he jealous

because I do feel like the most jealous guys are often cheating and the guy that I remember I've dated a guy that was always always in my internet history every time I would go away he would accuse me of all manner of things and you know like as a comic on the road I'm doing nothing but just laying still with throbbing loneliness after my shows like I'm just laying in bed as alone as I've ever been in Des Moines and he was inside of someone every time I was out of town like I got an email with the dates of the other this other girl he was fucking she's like I was with them from 2 12 to 2 14 like an email yeah yeah and he was very jealous and whenever i would come home he would accuse me of all kinds of insane things i remember he used to chase me around the apartment

with my laptop i would try to pull it back from him and he would make these wild like noises he'd be like like these howard dean cries my laptop in the freezer for some reason i was used to this too like i was like oh he's probably gonna make a left here to head to the freezer and he was always kind of jogging over there i was like i didn't suck his dick and then he was putting the laptop in the freezer and you know it was just constant he was always accusing me of some insanity and he was doing it so my only i have no idea if this guy is still cheating or not or what he's up to. But I do feel like it's one of the signs is, is he extremely jealous and suspicious of you? And if he isn't, I feel

like there's less likely it's less likely that he's cheating. Yeah. What are they asking? Do they have a right to be mad? I would. I do. I think you can kind of be mad. A year is a long time to be hitting on other people while you're like supposedly in a relationship or maybe they weren't in a relationship. I don't know. It sounds like they were. I like the question. I don't really have a good answer i feel like three months you gotta like cut off the flirting with other people like there's some there can be some overlap but like a year that's too long yeah i think that's good advice it doesn't sound ideal yeah so like be pissed but maybe don't break up with him well definitely don't not don't not acknowledge it you you can you don't have to break up with him but

you have to make sure he knows that you know that and that that's not cool and you're upset you have every right to be upset about that make him make it up to you i think a couple nice baths a couple nice dinners. A bath. That's not going to make anything up to me. A bath is amazing. I love when someone draws me a bath. Really? Oh, yeah. A friend of mine is starting dating this guy that draws her baths. I think you were going to say that drew her a bath is what you were going to say. I was going to say that. Yeah, you should go for it. She drew her a bath. I didn't go to college. I went to fucking Dick's sister. What do you want? I was going to say that. But a friend of mine was dating guy for many years. Then their courtship started by him drawing her a bath. And

I think that's disgusting started like they were friends and he drew her a bath and then he started turning the bath water on like when they were hanging out yeah and I think this is so strange yeah she said that like a few months into their friendship he would just kind of like turn on a bath and be like hey and that was how he kind of like pulled her in fucked her yeah that's and then they would fuck in the bath I think he this is really I don't like to have sex in baths or water it's a hassle it's because it's confusing because you think the water will also serve as a lubricant and that's not how it works at all it's the opposite no it's kind of frantic it's like a lot of sexy situation no it's actually very it sounds like a very dry situation ironically in a

in a pool of water yes yeah he would draw her a bath and then he would bathe her for a month oh no and that's unacceptable no no it's totally unacceptable nobody's bathing me draw me a bath get the fuck out. Well, our next caller is Allie, and Allie says, Dear Chelsea, My husband and I moved away from home about four years ago. We recently had a baby and have decided to move closer to family and friends as we both work remotely and could use some interaction with other people. We're about an hour's drive away from family. My husband's family obviously missed us, and his mom from time to time can be a bit much. However, my mom is next level. Prior to me being pregnant, we never really talked as she was kind of a crappy parent. I'm having a ton of

anxiety about being closer to her. And when we lived 11 and a half hours away, it's been easy to keep her at arm's length. But now she texts, calls, sends videos, et cetera, multiple times a day. When I say it's too much, she doesn't listen and says, well, I'm the mom or grandma and I'll do whatever I want. Then she proceeds to act like a toddler or spread gossip through my family. She's the kind of person that works in customer service, but yells at waiters every time we go to eat i'm wondering how to navigate this relationship without blowing up so she can see her granddaughter every time i see her after 10 minutes i'm going crazy help ali oh sorry ali that sounds like a fucking nightmare another reason to never get married yeah yeah that's not

good she sounds like a pretty i mean she sounds like a a pretty unbearable twat but i think you're i don't know trying to do the right thing by letting her have access to your child but i feel like as less as little as you can have to do with those plans the better like do it like have her take care be with the kid that week you're going away a week you're going you know whoring in Hawaii I ever take care of the kid that weekend do you have any plans to whore in Hawaii coming up not as of right now okay well obviously that can change in a minute anything can change in an instant so what's her what has been your like when you've tried to put up like a boundary with her before what has happened she basically says no or she ignores it and will text me like the next

week and say so can I come this week like just ignores the whole thing yeah I find that to be incredibly annoying people who don't listen to you when you're setting up a boundary. So I think you have to have like a more formal conversation with her about it just for your own sanity. Like don't worry about how she's going to react to it because people end up respecting boundaries in the long term. They just don't like them in the beginning. You know what I mean? So it works. And so you're going to protect your like mental health and and the health of your family because you don't want to be fucking annoyed at her all the time. But you have to be firm because she's not used to anyone telling her that there is a boundary. It's 100 percent true.

Also, I feel like the thing with people that don't respect boundaries is that when you draw them, it's this big lead up to saying something. And it's not that big of a deal at all because, first of all, they might not even listen to it, to which you have to double down on it. But that moment isn't that big because, like, they don't care. Like, they're used to bulldozing through those things. So the very least you can do, like, this is the beginning of a longer stretch you have to go through with her. At the very least, just say something and be it clear. When you're that ludicrous, when you're acting that insanely, like, this person has been told this many times before. you're not you know i mean this isn't like so don't worry about that just say it yeah just say

it say it quick say it fast and say it in as few words as possible i feel like that's true for everything i always over explain apologize defend somebody told me this recently like justify apologize there's like some acronym i'm forgetting but defend i think it's jade or something and and try not to do any of those things and say it in as few words as possible in the text or talk to your friend before you talk to her know exactly what you're gonna say and nothing extra yeah and hold your ground you know what i mean like don't say it and then get scared and run away like say it hold your ground so she understands that you mean business like maintain eye contact and be firm you have every right to do that for yourself it doesn't have to be like a big deal exactly what

rachel's saying it's just like you standing up for yourself you're gonna feel really good afterward and you might have to tell her again but that's okay just practice advocating for yourself yeah I really like that advice I think too like just holding my ground I like the eye contact too and not just like or I get crazy eyes so they get really fucking scared and then they're like all right all right all right I won't fucking bother her level of crazy yeah I dated a guy for a while that like his mom was just upset about absolutely everything about me and a lot of the things about me were just things that were never going to change things that she thought I would find insulting like that I'm not domestic or that I'm not clean I'm like tell me a better story bitch

like I'm I've been a pig my whole life like and she was like you know just kind of making these passive-aggressive comments about what I didn't do around the house and I'm like that's not you could say a lot of things that will immediately hurt me but I'm like and I learned to just say to her very directly oh I'm not going to do that I'm never going to do that she's like you know what you should do you should you know start gardening I'm like oh that's not going to happen that's not going to occur I would say it in like the the dumbest simplest way possible and I felt like she like she just kind of stopped after a while like she would come over and clean so much like in front of me to piss me off but I was like no that's helpful I had a friend over once and she

was doing it and he was like if you want to get behind the couch she was a comic he's like if you want to get behind the couch you just get that corner right there like he was directing her so I feel like I feel like with people like that like yeah as direct as you could ever be and she wants what you have like she wants access to that kid you know what I'm saying so like you're in control in the situation when we're more vulnerable is when we don't need something you need very little except to be left alone more is your partner somebody who can tolerate being around your mom for a short amount of time yes but he is a lot more comfortable being direct with her so maybe i just like kind of follow his lead because he he does do that and it does work

she does listen to him i'm so sorry is this your mom or his mom this is my mom go fucking tell her to fucking back off then i was thinking this is his mom the whole time i'm like no you tell your mother to fucking stop it she doesn't get to overrule you you're an adult woman now with your own kid yeah yeah yeah what i've tried i've recently tried being like i'm not asking i'm telling so i'm just gonna stick to that yeah you have to be very firm with your own mother i didn't realize that either that if it's until just now i was late to that party too but yeah if it's your own mom yeah I flipped in the mother-in-law thing there and it kind of confused my mom is here right now and she does a thing when I tell her something clearly she gets wounded

immediately and starts like weeping so like I was like hey can you get something for for my daughter's birthday party like to fill these goodie bags because I was like on these zooms yesterday and I was like just get anything to put in a goodie bag she came back with like sheets of like shit stickers like poop sticker and I was like mom I can't put this in her like four-year-old goodie bag there's that's shit and she's like well i'm sorry rachel i did the damn best i could like she starts weeping and like five years ago i would have felt like i had just assaulted my mother because she always weeps if you give her a note you know but now i'm just like mom you can weep or not but i can't like put shit stickers in here like i and i'm gonna get on this zoom now

can you get something else you know and i also realize like she's always gonna be weeping it's not about me it's about her alcoholic mother or something you know i mean like i don't take it personally anymore my mom always has like a sort of vaguely muttering to herself or weeping and i just know that that's what she likes to do and she probably won't stop but she's here she's helping out i'm not taking on her day weeping yeah that's very good advice yeah we have a better relationship now i like to advise i'm not taking it myself like not personal at all just letting it personal yeah my friend jessica curson really funny comic she always says like people are insane they are walking around furious all day it doesn't have anything to do with you usually you know like

people are just not okay they're not well yeah so if you can imagine a little sticker she always says that to me just imagine a little sticker on this person's forehead that says sick and that's always a helpful tool for me when i'm communicating to not personalize yeah yeah all right ellie is that helpful yes so helpful i'm excited to share if it works okay thank you okay bye bye i think it's funny that we both missed the main part of that. Oh, yeah, I know. You should have seen me last week. I was like, I got the whole story backwards. I'm like, I'm listening. And then I'm confused. I don't understand. Well, our next caller is Ryan, and he's calling in from Norway. He says, Dear Chelsea. Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm originally from Vancouver Island, and I've been

living in Oslo, Norway for the past four years. I originally moved to Scandinavia for a wonderful Norwegian man. Although they're all introverts, they can be very intoxicating. However, our four-year relationship ended last autumn. I've been on a beautiful journey of healing and self-love lately and have been filling my own cup, but I'm unsure of how much I want to include my ex in my life. Any advice on how to navigate this? Cheers and a big hug from finally sunny Oslo, Ryan. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Ryan. Hello. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Catherine. Hi. I'm coming to Oslo. I'm coming to perform there, I think, in the fall. No way. Oh, my goodness. I was there last summer. I saw Springsteen in Oslo it was so fun outside at that outdoor park you and all my lesbian friends

amazing I know I was I get confused with lesbian a lot actually so what's the status of the relationship now yes the status is uh we I mean we're our lives are no longer entangled at all he's a truly incredible person and a really lovely guy we broke up about just under eight months ago we were friends for four years and then we dated for four years and now I'm like oh could we could we be friends again is that realistic do you feel attracted to him like sexually yeah not right now no what do you mean right not right now like it can come back though this after this autumn this afternoon I think no I think so we broke up because a couple of reasons but the main reason was I wanted to explore something more open and he although was very

willing to have a discussion didn't and so when we did open our relationship we brought in a mutual friend, which then led to the demise of our relationship. That tracks. What an unusual ending. I know. I mean, honestly. So sounds a little bit like you're still hung up on this guy. Are you? I wouldn't say I'm hung up on him anymore. Honestly, the thing is, we have a lot of like in common. And so when I moved to Norway with my ex, I'm originally from British Columbia, Canada.

And so when I moved here, like all of my network was through my ex. I don't think I'm hung up on him anymore. But I do think there may be a place in my life for him, but I'm not sure how to even approach that topic right now. If you guys were friends for four years and you dated for four years, I think it's totally realistic that you could be friends again. It's hard to be friends with someone when you haven't been friends with them ever and you've only been romantic. But if you're friends, you can always go back to that. Yeah, people do it all the time. And I mean, you have the perfect excuse or reason. It's not really an excuse. It's a reason. how would you approach that conversation with him to reconnect yeah yeah i would just say like

here i am you know i'm here living in in norway and like you know obviously this is how we're connected and i'm here and it's been a long time i'm like i hope you're well like send him a really thoughtful nice email checking on him and you'd love to see him but make it clear that you're coming from a friend's perspective don't make it flirty or weird yeah you could even say like you could you refer to some earlier period of your life where i mean earlier time when you guys used to be friends something used to do then i miss when we were whatever i know things didn't work out with but i i just enjoyed talking out and hanging out whatever just so it makes it really clear that i think that is important but that's not making it clear rachel because that's making

it confusing i think to say i really enjoyed hanging out with you oh you mean in addition to fucking you like the other things i liked oh i don't absolutely no you're right you're Absolutely right. Now, yeah, you want to make it say when you weren't inside me, I guess is what you should add in parentheses. When we weren't inside each other. I think just don't tell him you like anything about him. Don't say that right now.

Just reach out and send a really nice email checking in how he's doing. You love Norway. Bring up things that there's going to be a response to, right? Like all the cool things about Norway that you've discovered or that you love that you've rediscovered or that remind you of him whatever but in a non-romantic attitude okay yeah and i think that that's probably the right way so the last time i saw him he mentioned that his father had health problems and you know i burst into tears and i thought oh this is someone i've spent four christmases with this is someone i really used to care about and i asked like oh do you

want to hug and he just said no i thought oh my god you're being so norwegian right now like what he had wanted to hug you before like was that was he never a guy he was i mean it's funny maybe i forced him to be like a physical person when we were together because i'm quite but i mean that's probably a good sign that he in a way because the fact that he wasn't immediately like yes like maybe when you do set those clear boundaries again take none of my instructions now that i think about it and i second that i second that pretty awful don't take anything Rachel says seriously and I'm right behind her so you've got Catherine left take only Chelsea's instructions but I feel like he might take it well since this is instruction

only I still think you're hung up on him I don't know what it is but you are giving off a vibe that you're into him and you want to get in and you're pretending that you want to be friends but you want something I'll tell you what it is it's because why would there even be a talk the fact that it's being discussed at all like you wouldn't be thinking about it this much if you're talking thinking about talking to somebody again that you aren't attracted to anymore or have no lingering feelings for it would just be like you do or you don't like i feel like you wouldn't waste this precious time with my brilliant advice but i mean like i don't know there's probably something there yeah so maybe take a take a look at it i think there there is probably something

there i i don't think i want to pursue anything like we had like you know we were living together for four years i don't think i want to pursue that again um and i do want to pursue something more open with with other people and i've started recently dating again which has felt yeah interesting and nice but i think i think chelsea you might be right that there are some lingering feelings which is maybe you're talking about it's just like you're you're something you want unfinished or something's unfinished yeah it's too whimsical it's too whimsical or something something's not tracking go get your tarot cards read it's for a real answer i like that i like an answer for this yeah i just if you want the truth go get your tarot cards read and if he's

not interested i think you gotta you gotta give him space like months before you reach out again and there's a lot of other beautiful norwegians out there so that's what i say that's how i start my day that's my morning affirmation you're very handsome ryan i feel like you'll do well i'm not worried about your numbers yeah it's very generous thank you all right thank you so much ryan thanks Ryan thank you three thank you he's like I'm in Norway it never gets dark here no yeah he said he was like it's the midnight sun now so well let's take a quick break and we'll be back with a quickie to wrap up okay the Jonas Brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brother hits that have defined a generation

one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the jonas brothers live at rbc amphitheater september 28th get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up, don't say anything. Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled

and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm

says. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. And we're back.

We are back. Now, this email is not very quick, but I think the answer will be quick. Let me try and stay focused. Rachel, you and I will try and focus. If we both try to focus at the same time, who knows what kind of focus we can gather. Amanda says, Dear Chelsea, Chelsea, I adore you and I hope my life looks like yours one day. My best friend of over 25 years got married last November.

I planned the bridal shower because she lost her mother the summer we were going into high school, so my mother and I spent over $2,500 on the bridal shower. She then had a destination bachelorette at Walt Disney World, which ended up costing me another $2,000, and not to mention she convinced me to get an annual pass because she claimed we would go back together in the next year, which was an additional $500. Her wedding was a destination wedding in Mexico, which cost me over $4,000, and I photographed her wedding, which is about a $5,000 value. There was a lot of drama leading up to the wedding with her and another bridesmaid being very selfish, and she proceeded to make my life a living hell for the rest of the year. I think this is the other bridesmaid. My best friend, the bride, continued to ask me to be the bigger person through all of the events and bite my tongue and not say anything to her, and I did just that.

The wedding, everything went off without a hitch. I was the maid of honor, so I hired someone to come with me and be able to shoot the wedding since I was in it. Fast forward to the last day of the four-day weekend we spent in Mexico. I admittedly got a little too drunk, which is something that is very uncharacteristic of me, and I haven't been that drunk in like seven years, and I lost all my inhibitions and said things to that other bridesmaid and her husband, basically made a fool of myself. I have since apologized, but me and my best friend have not spoken since the wedding.

Now to my question, since I obviously have her wedding photos, I assume this is something she probably wants, as it has all of her photos of her guests and her and her husband, and I don't want to just give her these photos for free. My question to you is if I should send an email stating if she wants these photos, the dollar amount is XYZ, and if she doesn't, I'm happy to delete them. I understand that money is not everything, but I'm a single woman running my own small business, and she has way more money than I do, and I've wasted over $13,000 this last year on nothing. It was a waste of my time, a waste of my money, and I did all those things for her because i thought we were important to each other obviously over the last few months i missed

her occasionally but not quite as much as i thought i would so please let me know if you think it's worth it to ask her to pay for the photos or if i should not contact her unless she contacts me about them thank you so much for your time i love you all keep doing the good work you do sincerely amanda and no need to keep me anonymous let that bitch hear it a journey jesus fuck dear What do you think, Rachel? I think you should do a little less accounting, a little less tallying. Yeah. Yeah.

I think if you give somebody something, you just give it to them. You're acting like an accountant. These are like the commission statements I get from my agency. Like, you can't. You just got to give it to them. And you can't be like, if I was this, if we were friends, then A, B, and C. Personally, I think you might want to just give her her wedding photos and work on your business. That's kind of what I think.

I agree. I agree. I understand if you can't find it in your heart or financially, like you can't not get paid for this, which you already agreed to do it without getting paid. So now you're adding a price for not talking to her. It's the same thing that Rachel's talking about. It's like tip for tap.

Like you should give them to her. And if you don't feel comfortable, you can't do that, then wait until she contacts you for them and then give them to her. But you shouldn't contact her and reach out to her at all. Unless it's with a Dropbox link with all her wedding photos. Like, that, I think, is the only communication here. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't really be in the business of charging.

I mean, you've got to walk out of this as a bigger— If it really was only a mistake that you made and you were completely provoked, then your behavior in this instant should be to show grace so that she can detect or, you know, infer what really happened in the long run, you know? you're just like shutting the door on the friendship another way by saying hey you owe me money for this so yeah release the wedding this isn't the advice you wanted to hear but skip it and when you have lists that long of what people have done to wrong you it's also a time to like take a look at yourself you can't just keep score all the time it doesn't work that way

yeah no i mean you're this is the kind of stuff that i do believe although i love the chapter of the email where you kind of like you know drunkenly said some things so that was the most fun part for me personally I like when shit hits the fan and a fun loving tale sure but I think that that might be maybe connected to holding on to all of this like resentment all this tallying like you don't want to be that tightly wound that you're crunching numbers every time you're hanging out with the friends no you know no not at all I would let it go let it go everyone let it go Rachel Feinstein what a dream what a dream Jew you've been thank you guys it's been nice to spend time with you I look forward to spending more time with you in Hawaii I can't wait and

everyone else who's listening that we'll see in Hawaii so I'll see you in your thong and you'll see me in your in your thong as well thank you guys so much this was so fun I had the best time bye Rachel congrats okay so upcoming shows that I have you guys Auckland New Zealand Wellington in New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first. And then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului, and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July 27th. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July 28th. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st. And then Santa Rosa, California for my second show,

August 2nd. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September 1st, Labor Day weekend, and then November 2nd and November 30th. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea,

shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts if your bookshelf and your for you page are equally important to your personality welcome home pro society is a weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite

writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility.

Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.