Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Don't Make Out with Your Brother w/ 23andMe

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

This week, Chelsea teams up with 23andMe for a very spit-ful episode.  Chelsea and Catherine discover their real lineage, who’s most likely to get gout, and are shocked at how much their reports can tell them about themselves.  Then: A listener with two moms discovers a number of new siblings - that reaches into double-digits.  A cousin wonders if she should spill the beans about a secret sister before a big wedding.  And an adoptee learns that it’s important to understand your genes before you make out with strangers at a party. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burn it up tour all over again. Hi, Katherine. Hi, Chelsea. Hi. Chelsea, today we teamed up with 23andMe and we're doing a very special episode with them. We're going to talk about some of the discoveries we made as far as our health reports and our ancestry goes. We're going to talk to some callers and answer some advice emails we got so many crazy responses this is going to be so much fun yes we both did our 23 me and to find out it covers a bevy of things right your ancestry your health markers if you

have a slightly increased risk for something or increased likelihood or if there's a variant detected or if you have irritable bowel syndrome which apparently there's an increased likelihood that I will have that. That's my result summary. Irritable bowel syndrome. That explains a lot, actually. Is that something you feel like you have? I don't know.

I mean, I've had episodes. I'm not sure. I have LDL cholesterol increased likelihood. I definitely have an issue with that. It says I have a slightly increased risk for celiac disease. But I was comparing my results with my sister's this weekend in San Francisco.

And I was under the impression when we were in Mallorca, we were talking about how much Ashkenazi Jew I was, what the percentage of Ashkenazi Jew I was. And I remember the number 64%. And then when I told Simone that, she says, that's impossible because our father was Jewish and our mother was Western European.

And I was like, no, I'm 64%. And then when I pulled up my results on my app, it said 50% Ashkenazi. So I want to know who put that 64% into my head or where I read that number. Yeah. Yeah. I also wonder, I mean, can your ratios be a little bit different for siblings if they're full siblings? Well, you can't get 64%. What I realized from my sister is that you can't get

64% Ashkenazi from one parent when the other parent, it's like straight down the middle, 50-50. So the genes meet and then whichever the stronger genes are, the dominant gene will take over, but you're never going to get more than 50% from one parent is the way that But my sister explained it to me. She's a health attorney and works for Genentech. So I'm going to believe her. I mean, I don't know that that's right. But I think that makes sense because we were both exactly 50% Ashkenazi.

But I had different sides of my mother than she did. I have like part Scandinavian and part German and more German than she has, which explains my good looks. I was actually pretty surprised by mine. And I thought I'd definitely take after the side of my family that's very British, very Irish, I'm very fair, have a little British turned up nose, all of that kind of stuff. But I was actually surprised to find I'm very heavily German, which I knew, but also French, which I guess. That's a nice little touch. Yeah, that makes me feel fancy. I'm like a little bit French.

French is good. I thought I was Sephardic Jewish, which doesn't make any sense at all. Because as my sister also explained to me, Ashkenazi are like lighter skinned and, you know, more blonde hair, blue eyed, whereas Sephardic is darker skin, dark hair, dark eyes. And so I don't know why I had that confusion also. Well, because you got all that German blood. So maybe that's where the blonde and everything lightness comes from. Right. I mean, wouldn't it be great, though, like to do it and find out you have like 10% Japanese or something?

Just like something totally. That would be real. That would be something like, whoa. I have a very small percent of Senegambian and Ghanaian. So I think that's. Oh, black. Yeah. That's African descent.

Yes. And I do know that I have one ancestor who was like several generations back who was passing, quote unquote, as they used to say, for white. both he and his sister. And so that's part of our ancestry. And I thought that was really interesting. It's like, okay, it's actually real. It's true. Wow. It is cool. I think it's interesting that you can test for things like irritable bowel syndrome, like that's a genetic marker. I would not have thought that like I get the cholesterol, I get heart disease. Did you what about the BCR aging? Mine did not show that. And this test, it tests for a couple of the variants that, you know, lead to the BRCA gene, but not all of them. So, you know, one of

the things they said is if you do see stuff like that, go talk to your doctor and like check that out. And they'll do nothing. I have also, this is a good one, a highlight, increased likelihood for gout. That sounds about right. That sounds like something I would come across at some point in my life. I just associate gout with like Henry VIII and like eating a lot of roast chicken. This one says drug metabolism. Predicted rapid metabolizer. That makes a lot of sense. I mean, that is very on the nose. I had something I have a slightly increased risk for macular degeneration which makes sense with my family history oh yeah I have that too yeah I think that's just isn't that age related like

most people have that yeah but you know it's this sort of thing that makes it a little easier to say like okay here's something for me to watch out for here's something to talk to my my eye doctor about and that sort of thing I was less likely to have a fear of public speaking I thought that was interesting are you serious the stuff they can tell with this that is crazy yeah do you have a fear of public speaking uh not really no oh here he is speaking to us and then you can also find your neanderthal and do you have some well let's look i bet that makes a lot of sense too i sometimes feel like a neanderthal you have oh shit hey chelsea you have more neanderthal dna than 25 percent of other customers. What the fuck does that mean? I have more Neanderthal than 40

percent. Oh, thank God. OK. OK. So I'm on the lower end of Neanderthal here. Let's remember that. OK. OK. OK. I inherited a small amount of DNA from your Neanderthal ancestors out of the seven thousand four hundred variants we tested. We found two hundred and twenty three variants in your DNA that trace back to Neanderthals. Wow. I know Brad's markers said something along the lines of his bloodline could be traced back to a single male 250,000 years ago. A single male? Well, obviously there was a woman involved after that, but like they could trace his lineage back 250,000 years. I don't know how. Wow. But they did. That's, it's crazy. You know what I just can't believe that so many people are able to I guess you can opt to be public on this

right and that way I have an increased likelihood for rosacea that's true my whole family has rosacea actually not my whole family but both of my brothers have it oh here was another very interesting one from Brad's so Brad by trade is a drummer he's a musician he's also constantly shaking his leg just like when we're sitting at the dinner table I always think there is a random earthquake he has a gene that is common in people who have fast twitch muscle fibers oh so it's like he was born to be an amazing drummer oh yeah that's like is that restless leg syndrome also or no is that separate maybe it's related it said something about like the muscle fibers and the way that it's common in people who are athletes and runners and that

kind of stuff and drummers mine says i have an increased likelihood for resting bitch face wow they can tell so much that's amazing do either of you have the increased likelihood to hate the sound of chewing no that's a thing i fucking hate that misophonia oh yeah what's it called misophonia misophonia oh yeah that is a really gross sound chewing that's in one of my results it's amazing that's so funny i can't believe they can measure things like that or that that stuff is genetic i mean it should it should be measurable what about the sound of forks and knives scraping on a plate that's worse than chewing but usually the two go hand in hand yeah katherine's dad likes to cut his eggs with a steak knife so yeah yeah

So it's just like, it's terrible. It's terrible. Yeah, that is so annoying. Yes. But Chelsea, we actually have a ton of amazing questions for today. We have some callers, some emails. I had the hardest time picking which emails to use. Yeah.

We did a call for submissions for 23andMe or, you know, other genetic testing, things people found out. And we got some crazy responses. So should we launch in after a little quick break? Yeah, I think so. So, yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies?

Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on Internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. All right, Chelsea, are you ready for some email?

Estoy lista. Muy bien. So our first email comes from Kyle Elizabeth. She says, good morning. My name is Kyle Elizabeth. I'm a 32-year-old woman living in Austin, Texas. I was gifted a 23andMe test in October of 2017, and when the results came back, the surprises started.

I'm the child of lesbian mothers, so I've known since I was 11 that my father was a sperm donor, but I was told that he was Puerto Rican and in med school at the time he donated. I was also told that he had only donated enough for one family, mine, so I was the only child created with his semen. Well, turns out he was not Puerto Rican, not a med student, and, quote, donated a lot. My father is actually an Ashkenazi Jewish man who dropped out of college and donated once a week for 10 years. So far, I have connected with my new siblings, 17 of them to be exact. I'm the third oldest. One is six weeks older than me, and another is less than 24 hours older than me. Oh my God.

all of our parents were lied to by the clinic we were created in and told different stories about our father we also have many siblings that didn't know they were donor conceived until they tested their dna wait wait wait she said we all were lied to about the at the clinic just like told them all different stories about this dad who oh the clinic lie yeah okay because don't you pick who you're getting your sperm from i guess maybe not in those days yeah you right you flip through a book and you're like this one looks nice oh oh so they were lied to okay i see so many of them didn't know they were donor conceived until they tested their dna which is so important because we had a couple other people email in like i thought i was one race and i'm another one

and for you know family health history that's super important to know so great to have a bunch of white racists find out that they're black you know or any sort of minority do their 23 and me and be like, oh, whoopsie-doodle, looks like I, you know. That would be nice. That actually kind of happened with one side of my family. Oh, really? Yes. Besides you and your heritage of what was it?

They're of Guinean. Guinean. Yes. Is that Papa New Guinea or Guinea? I think Guinea. Guinea. I think just plain Guinea. Because otherwise you would be Papa New Gaean.

Yes. Which I like the sound of that. Uh-huh. But no, this side of the family, they had been, I mean, they're a little more open now. I bet. I bet they are fucking assholes. Yeah. No, I mean, to the point where, like, one of my uncles was dating a woman who had a biracial child and they, like, didn't want them to get married.

Like, really shitty stuff. And so we found out a few years ago that we had this ancestor who is, you know, only a few great-greats back, but they were passing for white and, you know, had to sort of exist in the world in that way. And it turns out we all have that ancestry. So, you know, we learn some new things. Well, Kyle Elizabeth says, being an entirely different race than previously thought changes our medical history. And that's incredibly important. Best, Kyle Elizabeth. Oh.

So we do have a caller. Oh. Calling in. Her name is Molly. She says, dear Chelsea, I'm in a very weird situation and I hope you can help. To start from the beginning, my mother was told by my grandmother that her biological father was a certain someone from their hometown and that he'd left when my grandmother found out she was pregnant. This was 50 plus years ago. About five years ago, my mom, knowing that her

biological father had died years prior, decided that if she couldn't meet him, she'd like to meet her siblings. She reached out to the oldest, a woman. My new aunt had no idea her father had another child and took a little while to warm up to the idea, but eventually they decided to meet. My mother asked me to come with her as a buffer. I'm hilarious and friendly. We all hit it off and my new aunt was thrilled to have a sister in my mother and a new niece in me. We have made it a priority to have girls weekend at least once a year ever since. I can't deny there were things that made us question if we were in fact related to this family, but mom and my new aunt were growing closer and closer. Two years ago, while having dinner with my grandmother, my mother asked

her again and again, are you sure that man is my father? There wasn't anyone else. After a while, my grandmother shared that there was one other person who it could be. After investigating and a DNA test, my mother found she was in fact fathered by another person and had an additional, totally different sibling. So this like new aunt was like not an aunt at all. She's just a random woman. The issue is we have a girls weekend coming up with this new aunt. My mom doesn't want to cancel and also doesn't want to tell her what she's found out. She fears because this formerly new aunt has little to no family that this would shatter her. I on the other hand feel like she should be honest with her not only because she should know but because I have a busy

enough schedule as it is and finding time to do these trips has become difficult. It's once a fucking year. What's so difficult about that? I'll go on vacation with this woman to keep her happy. What should I do? I don't feel like it's right for me to break the news to the woman who's no longer my aunt, but my mother won't help. Help, Chelsea. Hi, Molly. How are you? Good. How are you guys? We're good. We're good. We were just reading your submission. Right. I just reread that and saw all the typos. So sorry. That's all right. Don't worry.

I didn't see the typos. Otherwise, we wouldn't be talking right now. Catherine reads all the submissions, so she takes care of that for us. Thank God. I know. Where are you? Well, we can't give away her precise location, but she is in the Midwest. Oh, I was going to say it looks so pretty outside.

I know. It is. It's like sunny and beautiful. Oh, nice. Nice windows. It's like the three days we have where it's like pretty fall colors. And then it all goes to hell in a handbasket. It really does for the rest of the fucking year.

So your new aunt, that's not really your aunt. How old is she? I think like 55. 55. And you feel like, and okay, so I have a couple of things to say. How many times have you guys had your girls weekends together? Like multiple. Okay.

I mean, they like came to my wedding. Oh, wow. I feel honestly in this instance, if this is making this woman happy, why take that away from her? Like if she doesn't have a lot of family and this gives her comfort and they've developed this relationship, you saying that you're busy, like you said, you go away on a week, like once a year with her. That's not that much. You can suck that up in the name of giving off good vibes to somebody. And, you know, like she doesn't need to know the truth.

It's not like it's going to have any impact, really. No good impact anyway. And so I don't know. I just think of it as being. I always like to be honest about most things, but there's really no harm being done. And it sounds like they've developed this really nice relationship. And if your mom also feels like she doesn't want to tell her, why burst her bubble? Well, right. And I don't know if I would tell her without my mom's permission or anything like that, but I just feel weird about it. I don't

know why. I just feel weird about being dishonest. I feel like if anything, mom, just tell her, hey, so actually I found out that we're not biologically related. I still want you in my life. I mean, I think that's fine, but I don't know. There's kind of like this pressure on me anyway. And I know once a year, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but it's always like something that we have to travel for. And I don't know. I would look at it as like your community service. You know what I mean? I would look at it as a gift that you're giving to another person because yeah, if your mom does decide to be honest with her, that's her prerogative and like, great. Yeah. And yes, of course you can continue a relationship with her without being biologically

related, but I don't think you should let it bother you that much. You know what I mean? You're not fronting this. You're not being, you're not in charge of the relationship, you know, and it's giving people pleasure. I don't know. I don't feel strongly about the dishonesty of it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And that's what my mom's stance is too. She was like, she needs us. She loves us. I don't know. I'm just an asshole. No. Well, yeah. What about we are. So are you now is your mom going to go find the other one? So they've talked and the father is alive and he has her contact information and it's like the ball's in his court now. Wow. So her, your mother's father is alive. Yes. Oh, interesting twist. Well, right. And so that's another thing. My mom,

my mom is like so fearful that my new aunt is going to be furious with my grandmother who was just having fun as an 18 year old like whatever and couldn't name who her father of her baby was and she so she was like so worried that this new aunt is going to be upset that you know they like went through all of this but like you said maybe she wouldn't because of the relationships that we've made so yeah i think it sounds like a nice relationship i don't know some people need you There are a lot of people in our lives that aren't family, but are family. I know in my life, there were always people either living with us or who were just very close friends who were kind of always around for a long time or a period of time. And we consider them like family. I like to think of that and like a lot of people in my life, like I just feel like, oh, they need me. I'm there for them because that's my giving back, giving to someone. And so I think look at it like that. Don't worry about the morality of the lie because you're not doing anything bad. It feels like a white lie.

Yeah. Well, big white lie. A big white lie. But I would just say, you know, if this grandfather of yours contacts your mother, you better open up your travel schedule, sister, because it looks like you're going to have a lot more trips coming up. i know well luckily i'm pretty sure he's in the same state so okay oh well that's great the other family the new not family is somewhere else i'm like oh just think about it as like funny actually if you think about it it would make a really good story you know you participating in a fake relationship for the next 15 years we all have to like sit with our parents sometimes when they're like with their friends and maybe think of it that way it's your mom's friend so I do I

guess that's maybe why I've been dragging my feet because I'm like okay I have another sister who like doesn't have to do these things and it's only because she's not as fun as me and I'm like mom why do I have to do this all the time like take her or take somebody else but but that's the burden you carry by being fun you know what I mean you carry more responsibility it really is yeah so suck it up I know shit I guess I'll make people laugh and feel loved damn it all right well thanks for calling in thanks Molly thank you guys so much enjoy your sunny weather thank you all right bye ladies bye she's exhausted from being fun I'm sure you feel this way a lot too because it is hard to be the fun one in the group all the time you know sometimes you just

want to be yeah sometimes you're just like fuck off that's when my new jersey comes out fuck off did you have to like overcome an accent uh yeah i mean sometimes i have an accent yeah when i say call or talk or something if i'm drinking especially it comes out interesting but no i didn't have a bad new jersey accent no but my brother does one of my brothers which is weird yeah just like randomly has more of an accent yeah well our next email comes from sylvan Sylvan says, My story is a little different in that I knew that my biological father had another family my entire life. It had been made clear to me that both he and his wife didn't want my mother or me intruding on their perfect family's lives.

This caused me a great deal of pain and affected how I felt about myself for as long as I can remember. In 2005, shortly after Hurricane Katrina, I briefly got in touch with my father and stepfather. I also met and emailed most of my siblings. One of my half-sisters told me her version of the story that she'd found a baby picture of me and had been shocked when her mother told her I existed. However, we really never got to know each other because of the geographic distance. A couple weeks ago, my half-sister Facebooked me to let me know she'd be passing through my area and asked if I would meet her, her boyfriend, and my two-year-old niece for dinner. I eagerly agreed and couldn't believe it when they told me they were planning to sleep in their car that night. I insisted that they come to my place, and we had the start of a good conversation,

but it wasn't enough time to really start unpacking our separate histories and our desire to know each other. They unfortunately had to keep driving back to Louisiana, and I needed to get to work the next day. I want to get to know my family, but I'm so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I'm wondering if you have any ideas of how we can try to get to know each other, whether we can start in the present or if the only way to proceed is to address the past. Chelsea, I know you're a compassionate person, and you're also a lot braver than me, so I'm reaching out to you about this. I'm attaching a picture of me, my sister, her boyfriend, and their daughter. Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Sylvan. Oh, that is sweet. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you have to rehash the past, especially if it's uncomfortable for anybody. It's about being related, right? It's about having a blood relation and then working off of that. building off of that. And I think that you should start from the present and just getting to know each other and, you know, not being overbearing about it, but being giving people space to warm

up to the idea and also just being available for when there is space and meeting the moment when the appropriate moments arise. And also just keeping an open door, letting them know that you're always available. They're welcome to stay with you if you're comfortable with that and getting to know them in that way. But yeah, I guess I wouldn't push it too hard. Yeah. I think it's just a natural progression. You know, it's not something you can like instantly change

and have a relationship with someone like that when there's that kind of history. But it's obviously so many people do it. So like use that as your compass. Like it's been done so many times where people can have relationships with other family members they hadn't known about or hadn't known about them or, you know,

all of the circumstances that are kind of encapsulated in these kinds of things. Yeah, I agree. I think I would treat it just like you're getting to know anybody, just like a normal friendship. Of course, you're going to touch on like, well, where did you go to high school and what was your favorite type of music? Those sorts of things from the past. But I don't necessarily think unless she brings it up, it's necessary to like really dive into family drama stuff. Just treat it like a normal friendship. And I also think this is sort of echoing what Chelsea said, but sort of bite-sized interactions might be good so that you can like have a little time together

maybe go to dinner or coffee and then like you know maybe in a few weeks or a month you see them again depending on how far away they live yeah yeah take it slow yeah take it slow just like you're getting to know anybody but I do think there's an interesting connection that sisters can have and it's really exciting that you got to meet a niece as well a very cute little baby niece. Well, Sylvan, let us know how it goes and thank you for emailing in. Our next question comes from Katie. Katie says, Dear Chelsea, about two years ago, my dad told me that when he was a teenager, one of my uncles had a baby that got put up for adoption. No one in the family knows about this. This past spring, my dad's youngest sister did 23andMe and found a DNA match with a

woman that puts her in the realm of a niece. No one in the family said anything about this, but my dad is positive this is the daughter that was put up for adoption. My uncle went on to marry and have three kids, one of whom is my cousin, who I'm very close with, and I consider her a sister. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in a few weeks, and I'm wondering if you think I should tell her about this half-sister she has. On the one hand, I feel guilty keeping something so big from her. On the other hand, I don't want to be the one that spills the beans and causes the family drama, especially right before her wedding. I don't know if it's necessarily my place to tell her. What are your thoughts and advice?

Katie. Hi, Katie. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Good. How are you? We're good. Thanks. So when is the wedding? It's in a week and a half now. So it's coming up. Yeah, I definitely would not tell her before the wedding. Yeah. I don't think that's a good idea. Because a half sister is a big deal. And I don't know, Catherine, what do you think? Like, I don't know if that's your place to tell her is there anyone else in the family who feels like a natural fit for the person to tell her like maybe it's your dad maybe it's the uncle sort of thing yeah so it's funny you mentioned that because my dad has been meaning to have a conversation with the uncle especially since my aunt found out about this on the dna thing got it so but they haven't had that conversation yet

Yeah. I would encourage them to have that conversation after the wedding and after everything's died down. I would encourage your dad to do it. And, you know, and also let him know, like, if he doesn't, you will. I like I like threatening people. I think that's a great approach. That's a good tactic. Yes, just threaten them into action. No, but I mean, I understand like it can feel a little, you know, guilt inducing. You're so close with her and you have this enormous secret that, you know, you just probably is at the front of your brain all the time when you're talking to her lately. But are you in the wedding? I am. Yeah, I'm a bridesmaid. Oh, that's wonderful. That's wonderful.

It is annoying to know, like, I don't like that burden that, you know, something that she doesn't like. That's not fair either. You know, and that's what you have to impress upon your father. That's why he's got to, like, pull the trigger and have the conversation either with his brother or with your cousin. Yeah. I think it's good to push them, but, like, let them get through the honeymoon and everything first and get settled. One thing about these sorts of revelations is that they seem urgent, but they're actually not as time sensitive as we maybe think that they are. I know when my dad found out that the man he thought was his dad was not his biological father, he actually figured it out on his own and went back out into the other room where his family was and didn't say a word. And in fact, he didn't say a word to my mom for a full year because he needed time to process things and deal with this new information and this new discovery before he could really like talk to other people about it.

And I know the situation is a little bit different than that, but, you know, this information feels so big because it is such a big thing, but it's not actually something that's super, super urgent. Right. That's a good point. But you're also talking about men. And men take a much longer time to process things than women. This is true. We're like fax machines and they're like fucking meat lockers. Yes, that is true. Have a good time at that wedding. That sounds fun.

Yeah, thank you guys. Thanks for the advice. Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for joining us. Keep us posted. Bye. Bye. Okay.

Dear Chelsea, Hello. When I heard you were looking for people who'd done genetic testing and ended up with a unique finding, I started laughing out loud. I was adopted at birth by the doctor who delivered me. His best friend at the time was an attorney, and hey, it was 1973, so I guess that's just how shit got done. Anyhow, I always knew I was adopted and don't ever remember being sat down for the talk. It was just common knowledge in my family, no big deal. I didn't really think much of it until one night my dad was bourbon drunk and told me my birth mother's name. I was probably

about 10 at the time and never forgot it. I always wondered what my birth parents were like, what kind of music they listened to, was it a one-night stand, etc. Flash forward to the day I decided to take a 23andMe test. I spit into the test tube, which took me a couple hours to fill because it was fucking gross and I kept gagging. As a nurse, I'd rather have someone vomit on me than deal with phlegm and spit, but hey, we all have our thing. That's weird that it took her that long to do it

because I was able to do this in like five minutes and I have no patience for anything. Yes, I- And she's a nurse? I'm a pharmacologist. I'm a gynecologist. Yes, you sped right into that too. It took me like, I don't know,

maybe 10, 15 minutes to like get the spit because you haven't had anything to drink, so you're kind of dry. Brad, like, filled it all the way up in one go. I was like, what? Horrified and impressed. So then she says, a few weeks later, I got an email and my results were in. Within days, my biological aunt reached out to me. She was convinced I was the child of her other sister. She had three and told me all about when I was born and this big dramatic story that didn't align with what my parents had told me. Again, it was the 70s. She also said that I would not be hearing from my birth mother because she wasn't in great health mentally or physically.

I was a bit shocked but relieved. I didn't want to have a big weird reunion. Then she told me about another child. I had an older brother, so she reached out to him to see if he wanted to connect. She sent me his name and number, and I nervously planned to text him the next day. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place it. I was laying in bed that night and almost to sleep when I suddenly sat up in bed and realized, oh my fucking God, that's the guy I met at Jason Davidson's party in high school and drunkenly made out with on Jason's mom's new couch. But then I somehow talked myself out of it being the same guy, even though his last name is not very common. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. The next day I texted him and I just said,

hey there, this is crazy, but pretty interesting. If you ever want to catch up, let me know. Immediately, the three dots pop up and I wanted to die. He texted, I'm available right now if you are. So I paced around saying fuck like 17 times and just called him. You know when you can hear in someone's voice that they're smiling so uncomfortably and awkwardly because they have no idea what to do? That's how Chad sounded. I asked if we had friends in common since we went to rival high schools and he simply blurted out, Jason Davidson is my best friend. And then we both sat in silence for what seemed like forever.

And then I blurted out, oh, my God, did we make out at that party? He uncomfortably said, yeah, we did. And I asked, oh, Jesus, was that all? Oh, God. He reassured me that that was all we did. The next few weeks consisted of us calling each other and just laughing uncomfortably on the phone together. He told his wife, who thought it was hilarious, and we both did as well. Turns out he was born almost three hours away from our hometown, was adopted, and brought back to live about four miles away from me.

One summer in high school, we had both loosely hung around in the same circle of people. It was so bizarre. We finally did meet up and have a beer when he came back to our hometown to visit at Christmas. Thank God his wife came to break the ice. We had a great time and both decided that even though it was super weird to say, things really couldn't have turned out better because we already knew each other and didn't have to worry about some crazy half-sibling showing up in the middle of the night asking for money. If you're still reading this, thank you.

I tried for brevity, but it didn't happen. I now refer to Chad as my make-out brother because it sounds fucking hilarious and inappropriate. He wasn't even a very good kisser from what I remember, thank God, but don't tell his wife that. Take care, Hillary. You know what, Hillary? Not a lot of people can talk about what kind of kisser their brother is. So, mazel tov. That's a pretty funny story.

You know, it's funny when you said, did anything more happen? It's like, you know, thank goodness you didn't have sex with your brother. I mean, right? Yeah. Thank goodness. Because that is disgusting. And making out is, who gives a shit about that, you know? Like, I mean, there are, I would rather make out with my brother over some men that are

out there, you know? So yeah, that's a, that's a funny story. It's funny that it didn't lead to anything else. That's almost like the universe protecting you. Exactly. Especially in moments when you're drunk and you don't remember and then things don't take that course. Exactly. It's almost like you have like a fairy godmother or someone upstairs looking out for you.

Yes, being like, don't continue this relationship. The way I see those things, right? Yeah. Isn't it Iceland where they all have to have sex with each other? Basically. I think so. Reykjavik is the capital of Iceland. Wait, is it Iceland where what?

Where they have to like follow a registry so they make sure they don't marry their own cousins? Oh. I think it is. They're beautiful in Iceland, so it would be hard not to have sex with everybody. Even if you're related. Yeah. Well, that's a recurring theme on this show, you know, making out with relatives. And on Game of Thrones.

And on Game of Thrones. I mean, no spoilers, but shit's getting pretty hot this season. Are you watching the new one? Oh, I haven't watched it yet. Yeah. I mean, it's good. I'm ready for it to get even better, but I'm sticking with it. I'm sticking with it.

My sister started watching the original Game of Thrones and she just started watching that and she was telling me about it. And she's like, what's your favorite part? I'm like, all I remember is the incest. Like, that's the one thing that I just cannot get past about that show. And I don't know that I'm, if it grossed me out or I liked it. Because I'm like, why is that the one memory I have of that show? It's like, sticks out more than anything is the incest. I mean, one of the most exciting parts is where, like, two people who are related finally hook up and you're like, yeah.

Oh, God. Brought to you by 2023andMe. So our next email comes from Lori. Lori says, love the show. Listen every week. I found out at 47 via 23andMe kit that I did for fun that I was not my dad's biological child. Long story short, my parents used a sperm donor and kept it a secret. I've since discovered multiple donor siblings or, quote, dibblings.

dim sum let's just call them dim sum and i'm quite close to two of them in fact we're having our first dibbling meetup in just a couple of weeks i'm very nervous to meet them in person despite the fact that we text each other every day my half sister in particular looks just like me and i'm scared it will freak me out in person i crave closeness with them they're not strangers but more than friends, but not quite actual siblings. It's all very confusing. I've also had to grapple with learning that my medical history was not what I thought it was, specifically that there's alcoholism and mental health issues on my paternal side that I was completely unaware of. Unfortunately, I'm seeing some of those issues play out with my older daughter, who's 15. How should I make

sense of these new relationships? And what do you think I should expect? Lori? Oh, first of all, I think that this is so exciting. You already have a good attitude and they're going to be just as nervous as you are, Lori. Like if your sister, half sister looks so much like you, you also look so much like her.

She's thinking the same thing and it's going to be weird for both of you, but like what a great opportunity. And you know, I mean, I'm sorry about the mental health and alcoholism, a marker that comes up. I do think it runs in families. Oh,

I don't know that it's like specifically a marker, but yeah, it's, it's genetic because it doesn't run in my family. So I must've started it. Um, but, and that's why I'm not reproducing, but I'm sorry to hear about that aspect of things, but also that's not insurmountable either. I know that you said she's having trouble with her own daughter.

Actually, you know what? Having these relationships with your half siblings may shed some light on all of this for you because they may have had some experiences that are similar with their own children or more of your, you know, dibblings may have had that same experience. So it would be, it's good to have that cohort, you know, where you guys can discuss it together and maybe, like, share your experience and glean some knowledge from that. But I think this is a great opportunity. And, yeah, it's totally normal to be nervous.

Nervous means you care. That's good. Yeah. My dad always says, like, when he was growing up, he was different than what he now knows are his half-siblings. And he just thought he was very unique and totally his own person. And then when he met his other half-siblings when he was in his 20s, he was like i am it's it's all it's all nature it's all like even the way we held our mug like

our coffee mugs it was the same they look the same like my one uncle is literally my dad but with red hair completely the same yeah it's amazing there was this time magazine cover years ago about twins where it talked about it found like six sets of twins that were separated at birth and like there was one set of twins that were both truck drivers they were both married to a woman with the same first name. They both named their baby the same first name. They both watched the same television shows. They were identical twins. And you're like, holy shit. It's so crazy. I find twins. Yeah. And that's so fascinating. The difference between fraternal twins and identical. Yeah. Yeah. My two cousins are identical twins and they decided they wanted

to like not do the twin thing in college. So they didn't talk to each other at all about what they wanted to major in or where they wanted to go they like refused because they were like let's go be our own people and of course they both wanted to be nurses and they picked the same college so one of them had to like you know they decided for the benefit of being their own people one of them would go to like the second choice college but i know i know how do you decide which one gets the second choice i don't know i would just say stick together who gives a shit yeah If you like each other, stick together. Yeah.

They're both cool. Well, our last email comes from Kara. Dear Chelsea, I had a sneaking suspicion and fear that my parents might be related. When my mom told me the story of how right after I was born, she had my baby book open, filling in the family tree. Both my grandmas were there with her. When she asked, okay, great-great-grandmother, they said the same name. Turns out third or fourth cousins don't share that much DNA. Whoopsie doodle.

Now that we know I'm fairly normal, I can joke about this. I'm 53 years old and just fine. We also discovered that one of my great uncles apparently had a baby with a woman we didn't know about. We're now in touch with that new side of the family. And she came to your show at the Mountain Winery. She said, I can't wait to see Chelsea tonight for the first time at the Mountain Winery. I think she'll truly love it there. I mean, it's a concert venue on a mountain with a winery.

What could be better? Kara. Oh, I love these happy endings. It'd be nice if everybody just had this happy attitude. I know it's not easy for everybody to have a good outlook towards it because sometimes it involves cheating and secrets and lies. So that adds a layer of, you know, betrayal and drama. Yeah, yeah. But it would be nice to just kind of accept what the reality is because, like, think about all the connections people get to make.

Totally. And, like, the new family members. And when you have a positive outlook towards it, you can, like, act in love and kindness with new people. And then you have another person, you know, in your corner and you could be in someone's corner. It's nice when there's a happy response. Yeah. And blood, I do think, is thicker than water. Like there just is something different with a cousin or a sibling that you have that, you know, even sometimes it might be awkward. But you relate to them in a way that you can't relate to any new friend, I think.

One of the really interesting things that I heard when I was researching this episode was the founder of 23andMe. She said, basically, everybody's got some mystery person in their lineage here, there, wherever. But she said, life is long and people enjoy sex. So everybody's just like a random person out there in their family. Yeah. Some people enjoy sex and some people like masturbating and then artificially seminating the wrong women. So that's not really sex, but that's also sadistic in a sick way. Sick, sick, sick.

Some people are sick. Don't forget that part. Yes. And some people like to make out with their own brothers. Yeah. Yeah. Well, some people accidentally make out with their own brothers, like we should say. That's true.

Chelsea, this was, I think, a very fun episode. And we had there. Honestly, there were so many other emails that we couldn't even get to. But it was pretty exciting to learn some different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I yeah. I mean, why wouldn't anybody get this testing done? I mean, it just gives you more information, even if you don't want to do the genealogy

part, just do the health part. Yeah. So you could find out what you have a propensity for. Here's a question. Would you, so this is a separate thing that you would have to like upload your results to. It's separate from 23andMe. But there is a program called GEDmatch where you can upload your DNA that you've received to help with solving crimes. Is that something that you would ever do?

Well, what does that mean exactly? So basically it helps law enforcement like whittle down. Let's say they have DNA from a rapist or a murderer. and you submit your DNA, it might not be like your uncle, but it might be your second cousin once removed. And that helps law enforcement build family trees to help solve crimes. Oh, yeah, of course I would do that. Yeah, I think I'm going to do it.

Oh, you are? Yeah, I'm so into true crime and that sort of thing. I think I have to. I just have to make sure I haven't done anything like that. You know, I don't want to murder. I mean, I've wanted to murder so many people, but I've never pulled the trigger, so to speak. but who knows what my family's been fucking up to but this would be a good way to pin everybody in

a corner exactly exactly amen to that yeah okay well this has been a very informative very nice light-hearted episode yes thanks for writing in everybody thank you guys we'll see you next week or you'll hear us bye okay so my stand-up dates i have some dates coming up in california October 21st, I'm in Paso Robles. And then I'm in Vegas at the Mirage Saturday, October 22nd. And then Wheatland, California, October 29th. And then you can go to ChelseaHanler.com for more dates when I'll be performing. And yeah, that's pretty much what's happening right now.

So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio. Executive produced by Nick Stumpf, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert. i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.