Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Drunk Vegas Confessions with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Chelsea and Catherine chat about caller followups, why Doug never flies coach, and hiring someone straight out of rehab. Then: A fiance worries that her soon-to-be-husband isn’t processing the death of his father. A couple calls in about teenager trouble. And a secret affair comes to light on a family getaway.   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? I'm great, thank you. I'm in Mallorca. Oh, delightful.

I love it. I mean, it's wonderful. I know. Well, I have an update for us, Chelsea. This is from Allie. She called in on our Monica Lewinsky episode, and she was about to have a birthday, but her father had died when she was very young and kind of like around her birthday every time it reminded her.

So Allie says, Hi, Chelsea. It's been a couple months since I came on to chat with you both and Monica about grieving my dad while celebrating my 30th birthday. I took your advice of focusing on celebrating him, his 38 years on this earth, and really finding that distinction between grief and suffering. I'm a recovering Irish Catholic from Boston, so I love an Irish wake style of celebrating someone who's passed. My friends and I toasted him and welcomed his energy into the birthday weekend, and they reminded me that celebrating me inherently includes celebrating him because he brought me here. Thank you for

giving us sort of quote-unquote permission to approach it that way. The weekend was joyous and felt revolutionary. I absolutely turned over a new leaf and I'm forever grateful to you for your help in that. I cannot believe I forgot to tell you this, Chelsea, but my dad's favorite activity in the world was skiing, particularly in Whistler. When he's not hanging around us in day-to-day life,

that's definitely where he is. Maybe, I know, maybe next year I'll spend my birthday there. I know many folks write into the show about grief, so I wanted to also share an incredible nonprofit, Empower. They provide one-on-one mentorship to children and young adults navigating the loss of their mothers or fathers. Grief is so many things, and our mission is to show children and youth that loss is survivable. If anyone listening wants to share with a grieving child or youth they love or has experienced parent loss at any

age and wants to become a mentor, they can head to weareempowered.org. Thanks again for your advice and for what you do each week, Allie. That is so sad. That's so great. That part is great. That That makes me cry thinking about children grieving their parents. I can't even. We watched an old season of MasterChef Junior and one of the kids had lost his dad. And it was kind of amazing to see how he was dealing with that. You could tell he had processed it a lot because when he talked about it, there was just sort of like he seemed OK, you know, he seemed like he'd done the work.

And even though he was like an 11 or 12 year old, you know, having a kid go through therapy and talk about this stuff can be really helpful when they lose somebody. And also to know how resilient the human spirit is. You don't know how resilient people are until you have to be resilient, right? So it's so hard to teach that to someone. You're going to survive almost anything that happens emotionally or any losses. You're going to go on. It's a hard concept, especially when you're a child. Your world is even smaller than it is as an adult. You don't even think about all the moving parts that are happening. Totally. So thank you, Allie, for updating us. And I'll make sure that this empower is in the show notes. So if anybody wants to check that out, there will be a link there. So I miss Doug. I miss Doug so hard. He's just at home. I know. I didn't want to bring him to Spain because he's going to be so fucking hot here. But now it's not that hot. And now I'm like, fuck, can I can he take a plane without me? Just get his own private jet. I did that once with a dog. I flew him privately without me, which was really stupid. I don't do things like that anymore. Doug will be amazing.

And you'll just have to reconnect with him and separate him from Mabel. Yeah, I know. She wanted to FaceTime with me. Here's your mother. She's like, oh, sorry, we fell asleep. I'm like, I bet you did. I also believe she gives him CBD because he's so calm when I come back from being away. And I know she's up to something, you know, because she doesn't want to deal with his lunacy.

And I saw the CBD and I was like, who is that for? And she's like, oh, for Doug sometimes. I'm like, sometimes or all the time? Like, all of my dogs have been drugged. And this is just another example of how it happens. You know what my aunt used to do with my nephew, who's like very hyper, when she would take care of him instead of like, you know, giving him a CBD or something. She would say, hey, let's have a cup of tea together at the beginning of their time together. And she would give him sleepy time tea. And then he was like totally manageable. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, sleepy time tea and like an 11-year-old boy. It's a match made in heaven. Yeah, melatonin is good for kids, too. My friends are always slipping their kids melatonin.

I mean, come on. Only the good parents, though. I would make them snort melatonin if I had children. Oh, my gosh. Okay, well, should we get into questions, Chelsea? Yes, please. Let's rock and roll. Let's move it.

Let's move it along. Let's do it. Today's a solo episode. That means Catherine and I are here alone. Yes, full of our own resources only. Yeah, that means we can take more callers. Oh, by the way, tell our audience about the mini episodes that we're doing. We're adding 10 minute mini-sodes.

They'll come out every other week. But it's going to be different. It's going to be counseling from me with a group of people or a couple, like friends, sisters, people in our relationship. I'm going to counsel them and we're going to break them into little 10 minute episodes. So that's going to be great. I can't fucking wait. It's going to be so exciting.

I mean, I want people to bring really stupid problems to me. So if you're in a relationship and it's not a serious issue, if it's your friend or if it's with your mother or your sister or your lover and you have something really stupid that you want to bring, please, this is our reprieve from the seriousness of the show. I want to get silly. Yeah, these minisodes are going to be perfect for like if you have that argument with your spouse or with your best friend that you like just need a tiebreaker on like who is right here chelsea is the person who can yeah i love that shit guys so so right in and i actually have

on our next couple solo episodes i have two couples calling in oh i love finally i love this oh my god this is exactly what i've been wanting i've manifested it exactly you know what happens a lot of the time is a person will be like i'm gonna get my husband to come on and talk about this with me. And the person who wants to call into a podcast inevitably marries the type of person who would never do such a thing. And so then they come back to me and they're like, just kidding. Forget I ever emailed you. Forget my name. But today we have one and it's very, very exciting. Actually, should we take a little break? Okay, let's take a break first. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they

finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability bell connection is everything when i was 14 years old I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, Without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced.

But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story.

I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. This week, we're looking for relationship advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship, want to know how to do better, or need Chelsea

to weigh in on whether you're right about something, write in to DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Okay, we're back. We're back with Savannah. Savannah says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 31-year-old woman living in the Midwest, and I've had the craziest 365 days of my life. I went into rehab in July of 2023, and I'm just over a month out of rehab, intensive inpatient and then outpatient, in that order. I'm just about to get my first year of sobriety.

I'm re-acclimating to the world, and I'm figuring out where my story fits in my day-to-day. I'm currently on the job hunt, and I'm having anxiety over how to address the year-ish gap in my resume. I work in marketing and have grown to love it mostly, excluding the 15% of the job that is crazy stressful but chock full of adrenaline. in. I know I'm good at my job and it's pretty much all I know professionally, so switching careers is out of the question. So as I begin to coordinate interviews, I'm wondering what the fuck to say in my interviews about the gap in my resume, aka rehab. I've played with the idea of semi-fibbing and saying I was taking care of a loved one to just being straight up honest about going to rehab. I know I can hide behind HIPAA and I'm conflicted about what to say during the

interview process. Am I going to be met with a negative bias and be dismissed because rehab could be a misinterpretation of my character or my work ethic? Or should I just be honest and leave it up to fate and hope that my interviewers will be understanding? I want to be honest and I don't mind talking about it, but I also want a job. Savannah.

Can't you just say you were traveling for a year? That you took a year sabbatical? There's no reason to tell them rehab because people are fucking stupid. I would hire somebody because they went to rehab. I'd be like, oh, great. Completely. So I can, yeah.

I think there's no reason to give them any reason to doubt you in the interview process. And, like Chelsea said, a lot of people just, like, can't get it together. Taking care of a loved one is a good one because that obviously makes you look good. Exactly. And you can even specifically say, you can say, I was caring for someone who was ill, that someone was you. That's straight up the truth. And also, you know, I don't think a gap on a resume matters quite as much as it used to.

Does it? Not as much. I'm not in the resume world, so I don't really know what is going on out there in the business world because I'm not a businesswoman. You are. You know, you're a businesswoman. a different kind of businesswoman. You have IMDB in that resume. I like to work two to four hours a week and that is it. And we make it work. So I think they matter less than they used to, especially like pre-pandemic and stuff. But another good trick for this too is rather

than saying like I worked here from like January 2021 to like June 2023, just use years. I was here from 2021 to 2023. We're barely into 2024. So then you only have a few month gap on your resume and i think if they do if they do ask good advice yeah you just say you took some personal time or you say i was caring for someone who was ill and i think you leave it at that yeah i don't think i think if you say caring for someone with who was ill you're not going to get one more question about it yeah because they're really not supposed to be like so how's your mom doing with that you know whatever disease obviously if you were caring for someone that was ill for that period of time they're probably dead so there's no that's a dead end that's a way to end the

conversation it's perfect yeah and then if you just change the subject right after that I think approach it with confidence and poise and like move on after that I think you'll be just fine and also like congratulations and good work yeah yeah we love rehab and we love when it sticks right it works if you work it works if you work it I do not work it I've been smoking a ton of marijuana lately actually smoking or have you been doing I've been smoking it because my doctor gave me these pills for my throat so it doesn't bother me anymore. I know I'm on a bender right now with marijuana. I just need it. Like I'm like, oh, where's a joint? OK, that's well because of my kids. You know, I'm around the kids, so I can't be sober doing that. Right. Well, our next question

comes from Emma. It's kind of a tricky one. She is 35. Emma says, you're Chelsea. My fiance and I are getting married in September of this year. A couple of years ago, his mother had a stroke and started needing round-the-clock care, mostly provided by his 80-year-old father as we lived three hours away. A few weeks after visiting to do our engagement photos, we received the most earth-shattering call. My fiancé's father had died by suicide and was found in the house. His mother immediately had to go into long-term care. We're so filled with grief and stress. Having just bought a house and planning a wedding, driving back and forth to tackle things, it's so overwhelming. Life just truly feels irrevocably changed. I'm grateful to feel

sure about marrying my fiancé, but our relationship has been rocked and the cracks are definitely there. We have so much to figure out with the estate, emptying their packed house, selling everything, and now taking care of their very, very loud dog. I miss our lives, and while I'm trying my best to be a fully supportive partner, I feel myself failing daily. My fiancé is doing the best he can, but I miss his level of engagement in our relationship and life, and while I know I need to give him grace, it's difficult day to day. There are things I was already sad about during wedding planning as I lost my mom 10 years ago. Overall, I feel like the focus is the horrible situation we're in rather than being a happy time and my feelings

are lost in all of it. I'm in therapy, working through forgiveness and letting go of anger, but it's so hard not to feel like our wedding will forever be linked to this horrific time in our lives. Thanks, Emma. Hi, Emma. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Oh, wow. That was very moving, your story. Yeah, lots of stuff this year. A lot of things we're trying to kind of move through while also enjoying ourselves. Right. Can you tell me where you are like with your wedding planning

with all the, you know, emptying out the house now? Yeah. So we're pretty much everything is set. We're just kind of in those last few months of figuring out like little stuff.

So everything is, you know, moving ahead as planned. And he unfortunately was going to be our officiant, Bob's dad. So we ended up finding a new officiant and all of that. So we're in a good spot

with all that. And honestly, Bob and I are in a really good spot, too, as a couple. It's just that it's very hard to not associate these two things. And especially our wedding will be near the end of September. This event will be, you know, just a few weeks after it, like the first year anniversary will be a few weeks after it. So it's kind of hard not to have those two things tied together. So are you and your fiance like communicating about how you're dealing with all of this

stuff? Yeah, we are. I'm definitely more communicative and a lot more open about how I'm feeling day to day. He, I think, to get through things, I think he shuts down a little bit and isn't, not that he needs to like lean into the feelings of everything that's going on, but I think that sometimes it's easier, especially with going to work. he just kind of shuts it down a little bit so I just worry about him a lot that you know that this is a really big thing an event that's happened in both of our lives but definitely in his life so I just worry like where that will bubble up right you know in the future can you it would he be open to talking to a therapist so he does he does see somebody not I think like I think he wants to see somebody more in the future but he does talk to somebody yeah yeah like it sounds like what you guys really need to do in this moment it's a period of time in your life that

wasn't planned so it's a little bit difficult and hairy but in this moment you need to double down on like talking and being communicative with each other even when he doesn't want to be you have to be like listen this is this we're gonna go through this together like this I'm having a really difficult time on certain days and certain days you're doing better it sounds like but we have to be helping each other get through this time because obviously this is trauma and you I am going to you know insist that you're talking to somebody on a more regular basis for him he needs to talk to someone on a regular basis during this time because what you said where where is it going to bubble up later like it is going to bubble up later so you have to in the

moment you're in like really double down on both of your therapists and talking to each other about what's happening and taking each day at a time. Yes, this wasn't what you planned, but what is a way to differentiate your wedding day from the anniversary of his death? Yeah. Why not make that a celebration of him? You know, why does it have to be the anniversary of his death? Why can't it be a celebration of his life? Why can't it be an extension of your wedding anniversary in some regard? Like maybe you can tie those two events together in a positive way rather than looking at it in the way that you're looking at it because it just happened. So I understand. But you can adjust your framework on that and and have a better way forward and also sharing that with

your fiance like i'm thinking about these things this is what how i think we can make peace with this i mean obviously it's very early on but that's why talking is so important because things get so built up there's resentments you don't know what people are dealing with on their own you know for sure and i think that's one of my biggest fears too is that because i would say my emotions they're a little bit louder than his is make like, again, even though this is something that, you know, we're going through together, and I'm going through, I don't want to take away the fact that this is something that he's going through with his parent, and his other parent, we're kind of on a knife's edge to with her care. And when we might lose her is kind of like that we're kind

of just like on this edge through this whole next few months of Oh, is she going to make it you know, So it's hard not to be in that like constant kind of fear, stress state of, yeah, are we going to be going through another loss in the next few months that we're going to have to deal with? And, you know, there's a lot of selfish feelings. I'm like, oh, please don't let anything happen by then. But also, we don't know if she's even going to be in a state where she can come. So, you know, it's hard to reconcile a lot of that.

Yeah. But those things are important to talk about. You know what I mean? When you're, you know, all of that stuff is really important and it will bring you guys closer. and when I say you don't know what the other person's thinking like he could be resentful of his parents for for pulling this shit at the most important moment in his time he could be resentful of you for some some weird reason like that's why it's so important for him to talk because

you don't want that to fester whatever his reaction to their death is absolutely you know we haven't really approached the topic of because I have anger towards his dad that like he doesn't you know i have so much empathy for that he was in this position and this was where he ultimately you know his path led him to so i you know i i loved this person but i also still have a lot of anger about the situation and he hasn't really gotten to like he at least has not expressed that he has any anger that this happened so that's hard like i think he's very very protective of his dad and I understand that but also it's like trying to make sure he knows that there's space to be angry about it and that's okay everything that is going to come up for him

is going to come up for him over time with him actually having an outlet for his feelings you can't direct his emotional you know what's happening of course but you can but you can be there and be honest with each other about it which is leveling up your relationship actually it's going to bring you closer together if you guys can get together on this and and you having your frustrations are fine that's okay that's totally honest like what you just said and everything you know you are angry about it that's okay too we're all human beings we're all experiencing feelings that we don't want to be feeling and i think chelsea you're right like really strongly suggesting like verging on demanding that he be seeing somebody at least

once a week even if it's not twice a week so that he does get to the point where he is processing things like anger things like you know resentments and getting them out yeah and there's no like argument for not doubling down on therapy when your father committed suicide honestly it's financial financial is the argument which sucks that that has to be an argument but like i think that especially like with the wedding like that is part of it too which like i would argue like obviously the investment is totally 100 worth it it's just finding where that monetary balance is with having bought a new home doing the wedding all that so and totally understand that but that is where group therapy is going to come in so he needs you need to you find him a support group

for i'm sure there's a specific one depending on the size of your city yes no for sure and those are usually free or like somebody you bring donuts yeah no those are much more affordable yeah absolutely yeah so i mean doubling up having therapy when you can afford it and doing something that's a no cost thing as well i think would be that the way to kind of get that in so we can start processing or continue processing. Yeah, I agree. I think for the wedding, what I would suggest too is people who come to your wedding are going to know that this is a part of your experience. And I think one of the best things you can do is allow people a moment to experience that to really like hang a lantern on it. Either, you know, your officiant can mention something about

those who can't be here with us today. But I also think, especially since you lost your mom, one really nice thing that you can do is have a table where maybe it's everybody's wedding photos maybe it's parents and grandparents wedding photos maybe it's just a photo of each of them but including everyone at least in some way in your ceremony I think will will allow people like a place to put that sort of curiosity and and grief for you and also give you an outlet where like you guys don't have to say it and be crying about it but like have your efficient mention it i think it is something that we probably will incorporate which will be nice it'll be nice to have that and then during the ceremony too i've seen people will have like a chair reserved like

one for your mom and one for his dad too so yeah and i asked him about that and he was kind of i think it's funny like he just doesn't i think that that almost like made him sadder to think about doing something like that so it's finding like okay what feels like honoring and nice without necessarily making you more upset. But you're going to be thinking about it, like, obviously, on the day. Exactly. And that's one of those things about grief is, you know, we've talked about this so many times.

It's like the more you push it away, sort of like the larger it looms. And Chelsea, you've brought this up several times recently, too, where grief isn't something that you're constantly going through, right? But it is always sort of under the surface. And so it's like it comes up and bubbles up at the weirdest times. The other thing is, like, it's your wedding. People are going to be crying anyway. you're gonna be crying anyway you know it's okay blame it on another good thing yeah exactly and

the good thing is once you let yourself cry then you're good you know fighting crying is harder than the crying itself yes yes yes yeah and it doesn't look cute either when when you're trying it almost looks worse yeah yeah no definitely i think i just i think with like going through losing my mom even though it was obviously in a very different way she was ill she had cancer I think like once we entered this phase of things, it was like, oh, maybe I'll be like equipped to help somebody through their grief. No, not at all. Not now. Not now. Yes. And it's suicide just is a different experience.

It is. It is. But it's also like, listen, I know it's hard to say to celebrate that, to celebrate a life that ended in suicide. But I would still say, yes, celebrate the life. If they were in pain and they had to remove themselves from this earth, then they are in a better place and they didn't want to be here. and celebrate the life that they did have and the happiest moments that you shared with them. And that's how you can frame it for yourself because what's the point of any other framework

when you're talking about suicide? Absolutely. And we did have like a really great relationship with him. So like, I'm very grateful for that as well. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think you should talk to your husband more, you know, fiance, sorry. What you're saying to us, like be open with him like this.

I'm sure you are, but really like get the communication flowing because it's really good to get it out and you want him to get it out too yeah no i agree for sure even if he's not as forthcoming as you are like be there with him and be there just yeah i think it's finding the balance too between making sure he knows like where i'm at but like not feeling like i don't want to like overwhelm him with right your grief my emotion through it and it's like if he's having a good day you know not wanting to necessarily feel like oh he on top of his feelings have to like not that like i worry about him having to deal with my feelings we do have like a good partnership with that but

not wanting to necessarily like add my grief to his grief even though they obviously are intertwined yeah i wouldn't worry about that i would worry just about being honest and stuff yeah sometimes guys need a push you know yeah they really do so you know you're not going to demand but like I would really tell him this is what I need from you yeah no that makes sense yeah I think so too well I appreciate it very much thank you oh thank you okay yes we'll be thinking about you oh thank you so much shoot us an email after the wedding okay I will I will thank you so much bye bye bye what a sweetie oh yeah I'm jealous of people who can look just very beautiful when they're in tears but she's one of them one thing I wanted to say too is for

anybody who's caregiving. I used to work with Alzheimer's caregivers and family caregivers. And one thing that can happen a lot of times is you have the ill parent and then either, you know, because of depression, suicide can happen with someone who's caregiving, whether that's a daughter, a son, a spouse, but also illnesses can happen because the caregiving person is under so much stress. They can like up and have a heart attack or whatever. Like sudden death is very common amongst caregivers. Sudden death. Sudden death. Yeah. I mean, I know someone who was like, yeah, my 50-year-old sister was the caregiver for a mom while she dealt with dementia and just like died of a major heart attack one day, you know, and that's really, really common.

I just, you said 50-year-old woman. I'm like, oh, that's a much older. And then I realized I'm 49. I mean, I just turned 39 and I'm like, it's, it's just, it just goes fast. It goes faster and faster the older you get. Yes. Yes. But so if you are caregiving, get some respite care. There's lots of resources for this, but like take advantage when someone says, how can I help? Say, here's how, and give yourself some time off. Yeah. And of course, if you or someone you know is dealing with depression or suicide, please reach out. Help is available at 988. That's the number for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 988. Let's talk to Tanya, shall we? Okay. Yeah. Tanya has sort of a tricky interpersonal

thing with a family friend. I like the sound of that. Yeah. She says, Dear Chelsea, about 10 years ago, my best friend set me up with her brother. It was supposed to be just a hookup, but I ended up falling in love we saw each other off and on for almost three years and during that time i found out he was married i was not only heartbroken brother she found out was married yes she did not know beforehand uh but found out during that time i was not only heartbroken from his deception and that my friend would deceive me but and that she put me in that position so i never said anything but i stopped talking to them both for two years fast forward and we've all moved on and reconnected as friends he is now married to someone else and they have a child but it's still

uncomfortable for me when we see each other there's a lot of sexual tension and his sister my friend mentions it and talks about how she doesn't like his new wife and so on he tries to hug me or comes in for a kiss when no one is sorry i think he she means a kiss on the cheek he tries to hug me or comes in for a kiss when no one is looking and while it's nothing overtly sexual he lingers a little longer than normal well if he's kissing you wait what i know i'm like this must be a kiss on the cheek so we'll clarify but still who comes and kisses someone on the cheek right that's like sort of an old school move it's uninvited on the cheek and yeah i have no desire for a relationship but if he's

doing that and loitering but of course that goes together lingering lingering yeah lingering if he's kissing you on the cheek he's definitely lingering also like he's standing right outside she's surprised by that but not the first part so she says i have no desire for to have a relationship with him, but he still lights me up, so to speak. The sex was amazing after all. So the complication comes now. Last December, I was with all of the women in their family on a trip, and one of them brought up my previous affair with their brother, but made it sound as if it was a one-night stand. We were all drinking, and I started crying and defending myself, saying that I had a relationship with him and even loved him, even if maybe he didn't feel

the same. I was just a little shocked that the sisters knew and that all these years they thought it was a one-night stand when for me it was so much more. It felt embarrassing. Now I'm being told that I'm not allowed to come to any family events because one of the women, an in-law, thinks I might tell his new wife, which I have no intention of doing. It feels so weird to me that they're inserting themselves into something that happened so long ago and that without even trying to clarify with me, they made this decision months later following a drunken conversation in Vegas. We're family friends, we travel together, and we see each other around town, so I don't know how not to be a part of this family. How can I mend things without it blowing up in my face?

Tanya. Hi, Tanya. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. You've got some drama happening. Okay. So that happened in Vegas where you started crying, defending yourself and explaining to them that it was like an actual affair. Right. What happened after that? What length of time did you get uninvited or? It was months later and it was the nothing was ever really said. And then all of a sudden it was like a thing out of the blue which I was so surprised by because I thought okay I thought we were close enough where if it was an issue somebody would have said something right away or maybe the next day even or yeah nothing was ever said and it was months later so it just feels like to me it feels like it's something else or I don't know it just seems so

odd no I could see it being about that yeah yeah because if you like finding out if they thought it was a one-night stand and they're finding out that it was a long-term affair while he was married he's not married to her anymore no so yeah I think you should just address it head-on obviously and say guys listen I understand that night in Vegas that I told you stuff but like that was a long time ago and I have no intention of ever sharing anything like that with his current wife the problem is is that you do still have this like sexual chemistry and that's a problem for you because people can sense that yeah no totally I think that I mean obviously I try to stay away as much as possible and give respect the relationship and I definitely

don't want anything to do with that relationship but when you say he's coming and kissing you on the cheek oh yeah is it a cheek kiss when he tries to sneak a kiss or is it yeah I mean but it's like And then there's, like, the hug was maybe a little bit too long. And, you know, there's been a couple situations where he'll ask, like, to walk me to my car. Like, let me help you move your car. And it's just, like, it's just not appropriate. He's trying to find times to be alone with you. Yeah.

And to me, it's, like, I don't necessarily think he's looking for an out or anything. But it's just, like, you know, when you're married for a long time. I've been married. And, like, you know, it's, like, that secret thing is always kind of exciting. And I've been a secret before. And it's, like, it's so disrespectful to me. Yeah, yeah, it is disrespectful to you. And you do need to, like, set a boundary so that he doesn't even think he can walk you to the car.

You can't, like, allow him to be coming in and stealing. What do you mean by kissing you? Like, kissing you on the cheek? Yeah. Gross. Gross, though. Why is he doing that? That's not okay.

Right? So it is a problem because they're worried. Now I see why, like, they're worried that you're going to, like, have another romance with him. Right. And ruin his marriage. but isn't the problem with him why is it me it's not my problem because there's two people you're no it is your it's your responsibility too to set a boundary because then he has a parameter if you if you don't say anything then he just thinks he can keep trying until you give in

if you say stop i'm not interested please stop like be firm you have to be firm with him unfortunately as women that's how we have to be with men like that yeah yeah like he's totally a fault too but like yeah but you're not completely helpless you have agency you can stand up for yourself and say no don't kiss me like that it's gross I find that gross that'll stop him I don't think you necessarily need to hug him at all like give him an awkward high five next time he tries to come in for a hug yeah and you know it's but with regard to you're not seeing him at all right now right no we don't talk it's not even like there's any type of communication and really it's like random once in a while type thing. So it's not like he's making an effort to see me. I don't

feel like that's his goal at all. And how many, like, are you really, you're upset about missing out on all these like family things? Not at all. No, I feel like it's putting my friend, my girlfriend in an odd position with her family. And then also we do have like, where we normally, a couple of times a year, we all hang out. And so it's like, so now what? She's just not supposed to i think you can just send them an email and be like guys okay whoever this needs to be addressed to can we please get over this like i'm not telling his wife i have no intention i what's your situation right now are you married no i'm single but you're single okay i have no intention of pursuing anything with your brother that would that was a very long time ago and that was a very

drunk night in vegas you know what happens in vegas is supposed to stay in vegas right I almost just like with an asterisk, I almost wonder if it shouldn't be something that gets put into writing just like in case the wife picks up a phone of someone or someone shows her. I almost wonder if it's like a phone, like a series of phone calls or like, hey, gals, can we all please get lunch? And you like address it. I'm a little scared about putting into writing.

Do you feel comfortable calling them all and just saying, can we get lunch? Yeah, I mean, I can. I feel like, well, I did initially reach out since this conversation, I did text message them all and just say, I feel like maybe there's something you guys are upset about. Or if I've done something, I would love to have an opportunity to make this right. And they didn't respond. So I was like, okay, but my girlfriend is the one who called me. She's like, yeah, it's about the whole thing with that happened a long time ago.

And they're afraid maybe you're going to say something to the wife. And I'm like, that's ridiculous. And she's like, I know. She's like, I know you wouldn't, but that's like their thought or whatever. And how well do you know those women? Because those are her relatives, right? Right. I've known them for years.

It's been a long time now, for a long, long time. Maybe you just have to let the dust settle. And like when it comes time to see them again, maybe your best friend can be your biggest advocate and, you know, kind of smooth things over with the other girls. When did this happen? Maybe like six months ago now. I don't know. It sounds like a while.

No, I don't know either. I'm like, fuck, I don't know. No, this is a hard one. I would say fucking who gives a shit? Like, just don't hang out with them. But that's kind of where I'm leaning. Like, OK, I feel like when you have that attitude, people kind of get in vibe with like, if that's your vibe and you're not thirsty to try to get back into that scene, it usually comes

to you more easily. You know what I mean? Like the invite will return. So I would just say I amend what I retract what I said earlier. Don't do anything. just let the dust settle and be your cool self and and and know that you're going to set a boundary with that guy the next time he's not allowed to come up and kiss you on the cheek that's molester behavior right okay kissing on the cheek get off of me that sounds good

I like that better yeah it's like I don't I don't want anyone kissing me that's not kissing me on the mouth I've been thinking about that recently I'm like cheek kisses happen in the movies all the time it's so stupid in real life as if you would ever say goodbye to your boyfriend by kissing him on the cheek like the times that i have done is right i'm like i feel so weird like kissing him on the cheek and it's also a weird introduction to a person like yeah that used to be the thing you hug like no why am i kissing a stranger anyway anyway good luck with your situation thank you let us know if people come around this is a tricky one yeah let us know when they come around that that'd be an interesting timeline for me to know about yes all right

yeah we can help other callers with that thank you so much okay bye thanks tanya okay so we're gonna take a break and come back yeah perfect the jonas brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest jonas brother hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burn it up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it

takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for thought daughters pop culture obsessives and anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse i'm eli rallo and every week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and the conversations everyone can't stop having i'm gonna have to look up this story i'm obsessed i'm obsessed from best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's

Like, if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. And we're back. We have Jane and Johnny calling in. Oh. we have a couple oh a couple oh hi okay great let's go jane and johnny have a question it this

comes from jane she originally wrote in and johnny is joining so she says dear chelsea i heard you wanted to have a couple on and my husband and i have two issues first i've just entered my 50s and i suddenly feel invisible within the family i sometimes feel i'm being excluded even the dogs like my husband better than me in particular i have an 18 year old stepdaughter who has lately been kind of an ass and she's coming home from college soon. While I'm dreading it, my husband is very excited. Specifically, she recently introduced only my husband to her friends when we were at an event standing next to each other and failed to even send a text as thanks for a gift I spent months preparing to send her off to college with. Despite my best efforts to be a

loving, fun participant in my family, I'm starting to feel like no one really likes me or I'm majorly taken for granted. But is it them or is it me? Much love, Jane and Johnny. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Look at you two cuties. I love this.

So when I talked to you last, Johnny, you were actually picking up your daughter from school, right? Yes, I was. How's that going? I think pretty well. And Jane? It's fine. You know, like on the surface, it's fine. After about 10 months, and I'm not a numbers person.

So when I start recognizing patterns, there's like a big one. I don't matter. That's how I'm feeling. Yeah, that doesn't feel good. What's her situation with her birth mother? Oh, it's good. Yeah. They have a good relationship.

Correct. And okay, what, Johnny, what? They have some challenges. They have some challenges too. So what's your view of the situation, Johnny? What do you think is happening? Well, I feel like put it in the middle. And I'm very, I think my daughter's doing very well. And I'm very proud of her. But I know that, you know, she can be a shit. She didn't send a thank you

note for the birthday gift, which was rude. And she didn't introduce her when we went to visit her at college to her friends, which was very awkward for me. And I, you know, and I felt really bad. And did you step in and introduce your wife when that happened? Before I had a chance, Jane jumped in. She goes, hey, everyone, this is my dad. And then everyone said, hey, what's up? And then everyone was kind of looking over at me. And I said, I'm her stepmom. It was very awkward. And then later, Johnny said, you know, that was kind of weird. Why wouldn't you? And she's like, I don't know, like whatever. And it's sort of how it read to me was that it was more of a reactive statement about how she feels rather than a Miss Manners moment that didn't come to

the surface. Yeah. It sounds like to me, Johnny, that you need to have a conversation with your daughter just about general courteousness and respect. Like this is your wife. And I know you might be dealing with a difficult personality, but these are skills that she's going to need for the rest of her life. So a conversation with her is going to yield more benefits than it will initially, I'm sure. But down the road, she will remember a meaningful conversation about treating people with respect, never mind her stepmother, who's in the house with you every day. And it is your job to have that conversation with her. I did have a conversation about that particular incident. And how did that go? It went well. She felt really bad. She remembered it. And then I

said well can you let jane know and she's like yes i'm definitely going to but and then did she address it with you no i'm assuming not yeah right that's good that you did that yeah thank you for being a stand-up responsible man father yes well i don't want my daughter to be a jerk no of course not yeah no and jane i think there is a little bit of a deeper issue some obviously lingering resentment since like I know the gift was like at the beginning when she went to school and she's just back from school and it's you're still feeling kind of nasty about it so I wonder if there's a way to kind of get some positive vibes going there just to be like I'm going to be a bigger person I'm going to invite her on a little date we'll go out we'll you know whatever is sort

of like a really fun special thing the two of you can do together and I think during that time if you want to address it after you've sort of established some good rapport is that a reality of you guys doing something together jane you and your stepdaughter oh okay and that's great and i agree that i have to rise up for this and not be like and your little dog too you know what i mean i can't like go down but i don't think that means ignore it you know i think you know since you're still feeling yucky i think you probably should address it but not like hi you're back from school let's deal with this yucky thing get some good stuff going get some good juices flowing there And I also think maybe just let go of the thank you for the gift for this round.

I think it's more important that she's introducing you to people than writing you a thank you note. I need to clarify, though, what that was. It wasn't a birthday present. It was I got her a tackle box for going to college and filled every slot with special things for being in her dorm for the first semester. and a really, really well-crafted, thoughtful, meaningful note and other gifts in there that like she read the note and she uses the stuff in it and never acknowledged this very thoughtful gift

that after giving to her, like I know she's on her phone 20 hours a day, not even a gift emoji with- You have to let go of that. Okay. She is 18 years old and she is in college and she is not thinking about writing thank you cards to her stepmother.

Okay. She is about to embark on like the greatest adventure of her life and she is so you have to let go of that girls between 15 and like 20 fuck their manners like they don't have them you know they're all self-consumed and self-absorbed in everything that's happening to them so let go of the thank you note please just let go of it you don't have to revisit that that would be annoying for you to bring up at some point I promise you she will acknowledge that you sent that to her at some point so asking for a thank you is not a good way to deal with an 18 year old, I don't think. But I do think if you have the opportunity to spend

time with her, spend as much time with her as she'll allow you to spend with her. You know, like do it as much as you can, because you can't tell somebody that you're valuable. They have to understand your value. And you know what I mean? And I think for you, Johnny, you can even be more demonstrative of your appreciation and adoration of your wife in front of your daughter so that she understands how important she is to you. That is a very good point. I realize I have not been doing that enough. There you go. I love that. Like if you get to the point of being affectionate and your kids are like, oh, that's when you know when you're doing OK, you're doing it perfect. You want to make sure she knows how much you like your wife, never mind love,

but like and respect and how much you like and respect each other yeah that's awesome advice yeah i love don't try and have sex or anything in front of her that's not what we're talking about guys okay all right johnny i can tell by your background what you're thinking about right now boy that took a turn well this was fucking awesome you guys i love the couples yay this was great thank you johnny for being so open-minded and coming on the podcast in the first place good for you thanks johnny thank you for having me you're a real man way to go yeah you two are really cute so thanks for joining us bye bye bye good luck that was fun yeah super that was great great call i love that couples yeah let's bring it on okay well that was a great episode i love

the way that ended and if you are if you're a couple out there do not forget to convince your husband to come on. See how gentle I was with him? You were so nice. Yes. It's easy. It's pleasant and it's fun. Or if you're having problems with your friends, I like that too. Yes. Friendship ones. Actually, we'll talk to a friendship couple soon too. Sisters is good. Yeah. Sisters is good. Sisters is really good. All right, everybody, get your tickets at chelseahandler.com if you're coming to see me on the road. And other than that, I'll see you next week. Okay. So upcoming shows that I have, you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out

the first. And then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului, and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July 27th. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July 28th. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st. And then Santa Rosa, California for my second show, August 2nd. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego

or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm obsessed listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i'm hoda kotb host of the podcast joy 101 with hoda kotb you know i'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy like when my friend henry winkler offered advice to

aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.