Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Everyone's in Love with Me with Chelsea and Catherine

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

Chelsea and Catherine prepare for the holidays with book recommendations, questionable gift lists, a Chow-chow-filled road trip.  Then: A step-mom is tired of putting on Norman Rockwell-level holidays for her ungrateful step-kids.  An Aussie can’t seem to stay single for long.  And a girlfriend’s family refuses to meet her newest flavor-of-the-week… except this one’s for real. * Books mentioned on today’s episode: Psilocybin Mushrooms of the World by Paul Stamets How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah  Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin Circe by Madeline Miller   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Celebrating 70 years, family-owned and operated. Visit plazaautogroup.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survived what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable. Abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced.

These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Took him and Bernice, and he had never flown before, so his family didn't want him anymore because they had a baby or something. So I had to pick him up, and he had never been on a plane, so I didn't want to freak him out and fly him up to Whistler. But no one in my family thought I could do it. Everyone's like, do not go on a road trip from L.A. to Whistler, Chelsea.

By yourself. So with Bernice and Mochi meeting for the first time, and then in a car together for, I mean, two days, basically. I went to San Francisco. I stayed with my sister one night. And then my friend Kelly from Whistler was like, let me come down and meet you. You're not competent enough to drive yourself to Whistler. And I was like, no, because all I wanted to do was be alone and bond with my dogs.

But you can't really bond with a new dog when you're driving. Right. Bernice is a good girl. And I was going to leave her behind this winter because my Belle, she's happy at my Belle's. And she's got Felix, her boyfriend, who's our dog guy at the house. But she's just been looking so cute lately. I just couldn't bear her. This might be her last year with us.

Because she's older, but she's so cute. She's really scrumptious. So I had to take her. I had to take her. And if she doesn't, I'm going to stay until I've done the Critics' Choice Awards. Oh, by the way, I just announced new dates in Australia, everybody, and New Zealand. So take a look at those on ChelseaHandler.com. And I am coming to Salt Lake City.

There are tickets for that. And all my Canadian dates are this winter. So, you know, follow me and you'll find out. Anyway, Bernice is... She's a good traveler. She is, actually. She doesn't want any trouble. She just wants to mind her business, and she's good with other dogs.

She gets annoyed if they bother her, but she's good. So I have a new family, and we'll see how long. Oh, what I was saying is if it doesn't work out, like with Bernice doesn't like Whistler and she's not into the snow, there's not a lot of snow here yet, then I will take her back in January when I come back for the critics' choice. But Mochi's going to stay with me. They'll keep each other company when I'm skiing and doing my bad parenting.

Exactly. They can be each other's pack. Well, Chelsea, I know you usually do family stuff for the holidays. Is there anything you're looking forward to? Oh, you know what's happening this year? I'm moving out of my house so I can move into a bigger house that I had to rent for my family. So that's what I'm doing. Your new house that just got finished? Or no, your house in Whistler?

No, no, no, no, because that's never going to be finished. That's in L.A. I just saw that house, and it's still not done. Although it's going to be gorgeous, just in time for me to move to New York City. Excellent. But I've already lost interest in that house. It's taken so long. Anytime anything takes long, I've lost interest.

I don't care. Well, it's hard to have the same passion for something that you had three years ago. Yeah, I ordered the floors for that house two years ago. That is truly nuts. Two years ago. So obviously, but Carla is staying back, and she is battening down the hatches. Oh, good, good. She's whipping everyone into shape.

So there's been more progress. Progress, I'm saying, because I'm saying it like that now because I'm in Canada. And there's been more progress since she's been staying behind. So that's been helpful. Good. Yeah, I think she'll whip everybody into shape and get shit done. So my family arrives momentarily, you know, in a couple days. And then we have a house for a week.

And then they leave. And then I have, like, three weeks off before my next date in Vancouver or Kelowna or Edmonton, wherever the hell I'm going next. Amazing. It sounds like you need it. Yeah, it sounds like I do need it. I do need it. Get into bed and then, like, not move for at least a week of that. I know.

I can't wait. I need sleep. And skis. And skis. Skis will rejuvenate me. Today is our holiday episode, Chelsea. Oh, which holiday are we celebrating? We're celebrating all of them, actually.

Okay, great. Kwanzaa, Christmas. All the things. Hanukkah. We have some holiday-themed questions, some callers, talking about the new year. Okay, great. Yes. So my 15-year-old nephew, and I'm not sure if anyone else in my family realizes what

he has asked for, and he's, like, not into drugs, whatever, but he asked for a book on finding psilocybin mushrooms in the forest you know that the mushroom guy Paul Stamets he asked for a book from him and I was like I told my sister I'm like oh I'm gonna get that for him thinking she didn't know what it was and she's like oh no grandma's gonna get that for him so he wants a psilocybin book and everyone's fine I think that's fine who cares I mean let everybody the more educated people are about drugs the better I kind of agree and I said I would like to supplement that with How to Change Your Mind. Yeah, that's a good book.

Right, which is by Michael Pollan. Michael Pollan. Yeah, by Michael Pollan. And then my sister was like, no, wait till he's 20. I'm like, but it's not something that makes you want to do drugs. No, just everybody. No, exactly. It's good to be educated.

Also, that's what I gave to everybody this Christmas. I gave everybody two books. That's what I sent out for Christmas gifts. The Great Alone and Atomic Habits. Ooh, fantastic. two very different books so that yeah that's my gift to everyone I'm just only giving books out from now on yeah I think that's good I'm still reading tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow but I mean I'm just not that interested in that book even though everyone else loves it so much oh see I

started it and I'm very into it really what's so interesting about it you know what I because I knew you said this a couple weeks ago and I've never taken it's never taken me longer to read a book but that's also really writing my book so I'm writing a book so my focus is really there and then in between I read. Yeah. I feel like it reads a little like a John Irving book where it's really just about the character development and sort of their interaction.

I don't know. I like it. But it's about gaming. It's all about gaming. Everyone kept saying it's not that, don't worry, it's not about gaming. It's all about gaming. Yeah, I'm only about a quarter of the way through,

but it's sort of about, I don't know, I feel like it's about games as informs their relationship. That's what I'm getting from it, but I'm also only a quarter of the way through. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how far I am. I don't think I'm more than halfway through either. But I guess I'll finish it. Well, that's on everyone else's year-end list,

but we'll not put it on your year-end list. No, no, no, no, no, yeah. But The Great Alone, I will always recommend. And Cirque. Yeah. Cirque by Madeline Miller. You love that one. I love that book.

I'm going to read that again. I haven't read it. I picked it up in a bookstore the other day, and I just, I read a few pages, and I didn't know if, like, the prose was for me. But I don't know. Maybe I should give it a try. Oh.

Start from the beginning. Yeah, you got to get into it. That's like a fantasy book. Yeah. Greek mythology. but I'm not into that either but I loved it I love the use

just her writing is so powerful like she just knows how to finish a sentence or write a sentence speaking of year end lists are there any like movies, TV, books

that you experienced this year that you love and want to recommend well I need to watch all those movies for the Critics Choice Awards I haven't seen

any of the movies yet I only saw Maestro yeah yeah I saw that at a friend's house because she was screening it and that was really good that

Carey Mulligan is fucking awesome She is just a treasure. And Sarah Silverman's in it. Yes, she is. Yeah, she's in it. And she's so good, too. I love a period piece, Sarah Silverman.

Like, she was in Masters of Sex and, like, dressed all 1950s and cute. Yeah, yeah. She does some good movie choices. Yeah, she's fantastic. I did watch May, December, which is— How is that? I've heard mixed reviews about that. It's very camp, but it's really interesting.

and I think like it's very interesting to watch from like an acting standpoint and the story is really good. It's a lot about manipulation. It's interesting too because you have all these like incredible actors and yet the music is almost like TV movie music. Like it's very dun-dun-dun-dun

and it's a very specific choice. Yeah, I heard that the music is off. That's what they said, that it doesn't add up to the movie. Yeah, but see, I loved that choice because there's sort of like a revelation at the end. you understand why they sort of made that sort of cheesy choice but the acting is incredible the story is really good there's a lot of manipulation you kind of like power dynamics shifting and it's

really cool yeah well i've been watching a lot of tv but i can't even remember what i'm watching i'm watching the gilded age that's what i'm watching i haven't seen the second season yet but i don't even know what i'm watching half the time i mean i just don't even yeah i mean sometimes i'm paying attention sometimes I'm not when I came home from my last date in Ottawa which was so fun Toronto crowds were so awesome Ottawa was so awesome I landed on a Sunday went out thinking I was dying on the Sunday I'm dying I was like oh my god no I was so sick and I had two Christmas things to go to and I was like I kept trying to get out of both of them I ended up getting home at 2 a.m oh no Sunday night at 2 a.m this was last week then Monday I had another thing I had

a goop thing for Gwyneth and then I had another thing and then we went out to dinner and I and I went out again and then it's just it was non-stop you gotta give yourself a bedtime I know I don't know what I think I'm doing anymore I'm like I think I'm 30 30 years old and I'm not 30 years old and I need like I need to I need like a pump of adrenaline or something yeah you know but you know I need a shot of energy the the best thing to give you that is just like an eight ball is what I need. I need an eight ball. Who has an eight ball? No, you know what? You got to do the Suburban Speedball, which is like your first drink is an espresso martini and then you do something else after that.

By the way, espresso martinis fucking work. They wake you up. They make you up and then you have a buzz. And then you get hammered. It's great. Uh-huh. You can't do too many of them. No, because then you'll be up all night. Or your heart could explode like these people who drank these extreme lemonades. Have you heard about this?

No. Yes. At this particular fast food chain. I'm not going to say which one, but two people have died after drinking these caffeinated lemonades. Is it like a Red Bull? It's like a Red Bull. So they had a heart attack? Yep, he had a heart attack and died. Two people have died after drinking these. Did they recall them?

I don't think yet. I don't think they've done it yet. We don't know if that was what caused it, but they died. Doesn't sound like a positive situation at all. No, it's crazy. Anyway, don't drink over caffeinated drinks, everybody. Yeah, okay. Well, should we go

to some callers? I also have some follow-ups. Okay. So, Chelsea, you know we have our NYC girls who are child-free and have been chatting, and I've been putting them all together. They started, like, a WhatsApp group, and they're all chatting. Well, they got together for the first time, and we got a really sweet email from them. Oh, that's cute.

I love it. Yes. And Courtney was the one who sent this in. She said, thank you so much for taking the time to connect this group of women, and it was so energizing to meet for brunch in NYC this past weekend. Turns out we all feel like black sheep, oftentimes for more reasons than just choosing to be child-free or single. We're all independent and successful in our own right.

Some have partners and others are struggling in the dating scene. We're often the ones paving various paths away from the norms we come from, and uniting for brunch today felt like a new home. It's so refreshing to have a community that we rather seamlessly fit into, And we all thank you and Chelsea for uniting us via her podcast. That meeting launched plans to travel, to play sports, have trivia nights, to help promote each other and our businesses, to drink and eat together from here. Thank you and happy holidays. Love, the NYC Child Free Crew United.

P.S. The table behind us had maybe 20 people, at least half were toddlers, and of course, this was a total shit show. We couldn't help but realize the sheer comedy of it all. No regrets. How sweet. Oh, wow. I know. Look at these fabulous women. Oh, my God. I know.

That's so cool. Very happy for them. There have been a couple ladies who've reached out about Chicago. So, Chicago, if you want to start a group, let me know. And then I have one other. This feels like a fun holiday surprise, even though it's not exactly holiday. But Brooke had written in way back on our Jamie Greenberg app, and she was struggling with infertility and looking for ways to be positive so you and Jamie gave her some really good advice she says you're Chelsea I wanted to thank you for taking the time to chat with me offer advice and let me share the story of my miscarriage it was so helpful to hear the perspectives from three different women Jamie

I'd especially like to thank you for sharing your personal story as well since we talked I'm happy to report I have good news to share my rainbow baby girl is finally here she was born in March a Pisces like you ladies which we love. And Chelsea I know you'll be proud of me. For the first time ever I started speaking to a therapist on a weekly basis who specialized in perinatal and maternal anxiety. It's been helpful to gain tools for helping myself de-escalate and relax in my times of spiraling and I know that toning down my overthinking mind is good for both me and the baby so I'm doing everything I can. The meditation thing I'm still working on but I've come to love long walking meditations with my daughter in the stroller. Thank you again. I

can't get enough of your podcast and still tune in every week. Keep doing what you're doing, Brooke. That's great. Yes. Jamie, Jamie listens to every podcast. So yeah, Jamie, way to go, Jamie. You finally have contributed something to the world. You ladies got Brooke pregnant. Jamie's recently got kicked off of her own daughter's softball team because she's one of those sideline moms well she didn't get kicked off but she has to stop going to games for for her daughter's mental health she had to take a break she's such a she's such an asshole at the games that she had to her daughter was like she goes i don't think i'm going to come to any games anymore and her daughter's like i think that's best oh no i think that's best for like an 11

year old is so ridiculous she's so competitive oh my god i knew she really enjoyed going to these but i didn't know it was like that yeah i know i guess yeah we love you jamie uh well let's take a quick break and we'll come back with some questions okay my suv is worth more than ever time to upgrade there's never been a better time at plaza auto group locations get top value for your trade and shop hundreds of new and pre-owned vehicles across 11 locations and if you can't come to us will come to you with best-in-class pricing unbeatable trade values and 70 years of trust it's easy to see why families choose the plaza auto group plaza auto group celebrating 70 years family owned and operated visit plazaautogroup.com when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held

captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts

or wherever you get your podcasts and we're back so our first caller today chelsea is lauren She lives right here in California and says, Dear Chelsea, I am a child-free woman who has three adult stepchildren ranging from 35 to 43 years old. I've been with my husband for 29 years. I've given my all to being a good step-parent, but my stepchildren expect a lot from me and don't reciprocate. They do nothing for me for Mother's Day or my birthday, but expect me to put on a Norman Rockwell holidays for them while they don't contribute or do so minimally. They also blame me, not their dad, when they don't get their way, such as when their dad and I visit my family for one of the holidays. I've grown resentful and don't want to be the family lightning rod anymore.

I've tried to communicate with them, but it has not gone well. My thought is to disengage from them, but that would be tricky. My husband is supportive of me, but he too is at a loss of what to do. I'm again dreading the holidays this year, which really sucks. I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you, Lauren. Hi. Hi, Lauren.

Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm doing well. How are you? Just hanging on by a thread like we all are during the holiday season. Yes, truly. So it sounds like you're not looking forward to your holidays. Well, I haven't the last few years and kind of been doing a lot of soul searching about letting other people decide what I'm going to be doing kind of with my time and, you know, kind of need to want to take back like the joy, you know, of it. And just feeling like sometimes you get kind of stuck into what like people think you should do. So, you know, there's a lot of expectations, which, you know, you've talked about with women about what we're supposed to be doing. And, you know, I'm a step parent and kind of always been responsible person with my family

and others. How many sub-children do you have? Three. Three. And how old were they when you guys got married? How old were the kids? Well, when I met my husband, we dated for quite a while, but they were 6, 11, 14, and now they're grown. So do they think of you as a parent figure? What's the dynamic like? Well, they do, but I feel like, and I know I'm never going to be at the level of their parents. I mean, I just feel like I can take it for granted. It's not a big deal on my birthday or mother's day they don't plan anything they don't do anything i mean i might get flowers or something and it's not that i want something but you know just even saying hey let me take you out for a cup of tea or a glass of wine or something and you know it doesn't have

to be expensive i don't it's not that it's just kind of like over you just don't feel like you're yeah yeah you feel like just like just sort of like i'm expected to do these things and you know and what of your previous conversations with them you said they didn't go well in the letter like give us an example tell us what happened well it's kind of like they when I've told them I was talking to my stepdaughter this Thanksgiving because there was a big blow up because she found out that we were supposed to go to my family and I had told my husband about it and to be honest you know I probably could have communicated better and said hey you know because I told him, hey, you know, tell them we're going to be my family, but we're here for Christmas.

Meaning they're not invited to your family's Thanksgiving? No, they could, but they're not going to come. They're not going to make the effort to get on a plane and go. And so they had Thanksgiving at our house. With your husband and without you. Yeah. And they all really like stepped up and like they were calling it. They were like, which they wouldn't do with me.

They would just kind of assume that I was hosting the whole thing. And so they called my husband before I left and said, hey, yeah, so, you know, we're going to do this. We're going to do that. You know, my husband's like, I'll roast the turkey. He called me on Thanksgiving and asked me how to do it. I mean, well, and specifically, Lauren, I know you said that even if it's hosted at one of the kids house, they expect you to cook the entire meal and sort of throw throw the whole party. Well, yeah, they going to my stepdaughter's house in another city. She said we can have it up there. But then I kind of expected to come up and they don't plan anything. I go to the grocery store and they're like, OK, what are we going to do? And so and, you know, I think I've kind of let it happen that way. Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you. Yeah. So I take responsibility for that.

But I'll throw out an email saying, what can you guys bring? And I don't hear anything until like a couple of days before. And then it's like, OK, well, I don't know. You know, and I said that I have to kind of keep prodding them. And it's it's just. Yeah, it sounds like you haven't done a very good job of creating any boundaries, which I can relate to. I also am bad at creating boundaries, but you should you need to.

And clearly they stepped up and are capable of doing it in your absence so that they're so now that you, you know, you can use Thanksgiving as a perfect example. Like you guys really stepped up over Thanksgiving. I would love for that to happen in Christmas and actually moving forward on all holidays. It's a lot of pressure on me to take care of everything. And you can also throw in there that you didn't appreciate spending Thanksgiving without your husband. You know what I mean? you don't have to spend every Thanksgiving with, you know, people split holidays all the time in divorces with their children, especially the adult children. I mean, they're married. They're

going to go to their spouses at some point for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You have to set a new set of rules, like moving forward. This isn't your only burden. You're happy to have them all, but you need help and you need them to contribute. And you have to get better at communicating because you're not, you're not, I can tell that you haven't been. Yeah, I think, I think that's spare. And I, at first was like, okay, well, you guys just decide what you're going to do for the holidays and let me know and I'll work around it. But then I realized, no, you know, that's not okay. And I want to spend at least one of the holidays with my husband. So I just said, you know, we're going to do every other holiday. And if you guys want to come out, you're always welcome, but you're

going to have to make your own plans on that. And they did say after Thanksgiving, you know, I said, oh, it looks like you guys did a great job on all the food. And they're like, yeah, well, it just wasn't this, it was kind of hodgepodge. It wasn't, it wasn't as good as when you're there. And so, you know, in fairness, they kind of recognize and it's like, well, it doesn't have to be great. It doesn't have to be, you know, whatever I just, you know, and so, yeah, I, I realized I have to get better at community. And the more I've set the boundaries with them, I'm realizing it's coming back in with good results, both for them and, and for me. It is. Yeah. And this is a perfect jumping off point. This is a perfect like turning point since

you did opt out for Thanksgiving to spend it with your own family and they noticed your absence and the impact it had on the dinner. It's a perfect opportunity for you to go, okay, moving forward, let's all work together so that there's not, so I'm not responsible for everything because it's really hard to provide for everyone. You're talking about six people now, right? Are they all married up? Yes. Or a significant other. Right. So yeah. So that's not on you. And you didn't have those fucking kids also. Fuck. I mean, I'm so sick of step-parents having to do all this stuff. you know, it's enough. Where's their mother, by the way? Is she around? Why don't they go be with her? Yeah, she lives on the other side of the country. They see her at other times of the

year. So when's your next holiday together? Christmas? Yeah. I think to give you some like specific boundaries that you can set, whether you're hosting or someone else is hosting, I think it's perfectly fair to say in advance, let them know like, hey, I'm going to make this one dish or these two dishes. And I would love for you guys to all bring something. Feel free to let me know what you're bringing or you can just bring something. But letting them know like the rest of the meal will be a group effort. It will be on them to bring some things as well. And the other thing is like no one can force us to do something without us actually doing it, right? Especially in this sort of circumstance where everyone expects you to lay out this

beautiful meal, but like you are the one actually doing it. So on the day of, if it winds up being a hodgepodge that's okay you don't actually have to be the one to like step in and save the day and make the mashed potatoes and everything else let it be a little bit of a hodgepodge but say like hey I want to take a little bit more of a backseat this year I'm going to make the turkey and the stuffing or whatever your thing your two major things are and say would love for you guys to fill in the gaps with your other favorite dishes and it's not a request it's like you know that's what how it's going to be like you have to frame it in a way that it's not a you're not asking, you're telling them. Yes. And then you don't do anything that you didn't say you were

going to do. The way the boundary gets broken is by you then doing the thing you said you weren't going to do. Right. Like, let it be a little messy. This is this is something I've learned with my with my in-laws is I'll be like, hey, here's how I think it should be done. And then when I'm ignored, I just have to be like, OK, and then it's a little messy. And guess what? like everything is fine. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but it's fine. Yeah. I'm realizing because it's like, I don't have that kind of energy that I used to have. Kind of the holidays have become like a day of work for me. It's like a work day. It's like not fun. And it's like preparing the day before and yeah. Listen, everyone reacts to boundaries initially, like they're offended. And

then eventually it turns into respect and it's not long after the first offense, like the feeling of offense. So I would just set the boundary, send an email, put it together, and also have a little bit more oomph about what you're going to fucking do and what you're not going to do. Don't let people take advantage of you. You have one life to live. Enjoy yourself and make sure people are respecting you and you feel good about it because then you're going to have a much better experience too. Yeah. Looking forward to next year, people respond well to knowing what the expectation should be. So maybe there's some regularity you can do where it's like, okay, Thanksgiving, we always spend with my family and Christmas, we always spend with your family, to your husband,

to the kids. And that can also be something that he's communicating. Yes. Thank you. I really appreciate it. And I really love the podcast. Oh, thanks, Lauren. Get your shit together. Okay, sister? Yes. Okay. Be stronger. Okay. All right. Bye. Annie says, Dear Chelsea, I want to start off by saying how much I look forward to your podcast every week to always bring a smile to my face. I'm writing in because my boyfriend of 10 years, yes 10 years, keeps hinting at an engagement. The funny story is he's been hinting

at it for so long now it's starting to feel a little boy who cried wolf. We had our son in October of 2020 and I suffered from severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. He was not supportive during my struggle and I have a lot of resentment toward him because of it. I've been with my therapist for a little under a year now and I'm working through all my postpartum issues. Through it all, whenever we argue, he tells me, and to think I bought you a ring and was going to propose. But I always thought he was bluffing. Recently, however, I was cleaning his side of the closet and came across a hidden area with a shirt crumpled into a ball. I lifted the shirt to fold it and found a jewelry box with an engagement ring inside of it. The thing is,

I felt nothing. And then I felt irritated because of all the times he threw the idea of a ring in my face. He doesn't know I found it, and I'd like to keep it that way, but I guess what I'm asking is, where do I go from here? I love him, and I want our family to work, but I'm tired of being the forever girlfriend, or as his sister so lovingly refers to me, the baby mama. With the holidays looming, I fear the question is about to be popped. Any advice is so appreciated. Annie. I don't know. I think no one should get married. I mean, why legally bind yourself to any person? But when you have a child, it becomes a different issue, I think. I don't know. It sounds like you should probably try counseling before you make any decision because him not

being understanding of your postpartum depression is a big red flag if he doesn't get that right and I mean he needs to understand why he's not empathetic enough and also saying like to think I was going to propose to you that doesn't sound like a loving thing that any partner should ever say to someone that's gross so I would try counseling I would try that with him and if it doesn't work and I think counseling like with the intent of like improving your relationship, not necessarily should we or shouldn't we get married. Yeah. Don't put so much pressure on that. I've been talking to a new therapist who's like, you know, talking about one of our main issues is like not trying to control the outcome of things, you know,

especially with relationships. Don't go into therapy thinking like we're going to fix everything. Go into therapy thinking we're going to find out if we belong together, you know, like taking it moment by moment and figuring out like because whatever the result is, you're going to be OK. It's not going to be the end of the world if you leave your boyfriend easier actually when you're not married to leave him and I understand that you have a child together but like your happiness is paramount and if you if you've been going to counseling and you've been working on yourself there's no reason he shouldn't be going also individually and together not with the idea that okay we're going to fix it and get married with the idea that okay

this is where we are let's talk about if we're compatible enough to stay together and work through these issues and survive together and you know you don't have to throw it out right away but it's good that you knew about the ring you saw it and it's good that he said that to you because it's that's an icky thing to say and that's one of the first things you should bring up in therapy now if he does propose sort of all over the holidays no no well would you preempt it and be like if you're thinking of asking now is not the moment let's go get some couples counseling yes i would definitely say if you're thinking about proposing to me but it sounds like this guy's gonna pretend he never she could you know what you should do you should say listen i found

the ring in the closet i know you've mentioned to me a couple times you were going to propose to me if you are thinking about proposing i don't think this is the time i think we have some issues we have to work through and i want to take the pressure off of you and me we have the baby we're dealing with some stuff and let's try and do some couples counseling and if after that we still feel like we have a relationship then we can talk about getting married again but take it off the table because then that kind of takes the pressure out of the balloon or whatever for sure and also like that should be a boundary that you guys set up in therapy is like here are some specific things you're not allowed to say to each other brad and i have our specific thing like very

specific lines of dialogue that we are never allowed to throw out in a fight and this should be one of them because he's like spoiled the idea of even getting married for you so that's something to unpack but not in a way of like should we or shouldn't we in a way of like this is a line of dialogue i would love to have just like it's not allowed in our marriage in our relationship Great. Well, let us know what happens and jump into some counseling. Well, our next question comes from Jordan. We've got a bit of a New Year's question, Chelsea. Jordan is calling in, and the subject line of his email is, everyone keeps falling in love with me. Dear Chelsea, I'm Jordan, 31, from Melbourne, Australia, and I'm queer. This past year has

been a roller coaster. I ended an eight-year relationship, lost my father, quit my job to return to university, and had my dog pass away. So safe to say it's been a huge year of change, growth, and self-discovery. I'm reaching out for relationship advice as we head into the new year. I ended my long-term relationship of eight years because I wanted more personal growth and a shift in relationship preferences, one being monogamy. Since then, I've unintentionally entered three more relationships, admittedly a lot in 10 months, despite my focus on self-discovery and avoiding commitment. All three I've ended breaking their hearts. While I'm enjoying my current phase of exploration, aka being a slut, I keep falling into these relationships, even though

I know it's the last thing I want and need. Despite being open about my intentions and actively avoiding dating, it keeps happening. I'm a people pleaser and naturally connect with others, which might be contributing to this pattern. Any advice on how to break the cycle would be greatly appreciated jordan hi jordan hello how are you hi you can't stop making people fall in love with you it is a bit of a problem well can't you just keep your dick in your pants no i can't i did for eight years in my relationship which you know i as i said in my letter i'm now at a point in my life for the first time in my life where i actually like myself but i think i'm quite attractive so i want to be able to explore that i you know i'm in a really good place with myself and and want to

keep doing that kind of stuff, but then just keep falling into these, they are quite beautiful relationships with people, but knowing that it's really not something that I want or need at this time. Well, okay. So what, I mean, I'm all for like having fun affairs with people without getting too attached. I'm with you on that. But so when you start to get attached, what are you thinking? Why do you continue hanging out with them? Because you're just having a good time? because yeah because it's really nice i find myself having these connections with people where i can just fully be myself where i feel really comfortable with them where i have similar similar likes and we can do nice things together and we have great sex and and then i kind of get

to this point where i'm like shit it's it would be really hard to kind of end this right now and i think i would really really miss it and then if i do kind of cut things off am i then just going to fall into the same thing with someone else well okay so what's the problem with that that that you're breaking everyone's heart is that you're well no there's there's kind of multiple problems it's that you know I ended my eight-year relationship one of the reasons why I did was because I really wanted to spend more time more time with myself and I wanted to have more independence and I wanted to be selfish and think about myself because you know being with someone for eight years you always want to kind of put them first and you want to you think about

them a lot. And then all of the little relationships I've gotten into this year, I find myself putting that other person first and then putting myself second. And I end up, I don't know, I end up almost frustrated or almost resenting them that I have to kind of put them first. And then we'll make an active decision where I say, you know, I'm not going to go dating anyone. I'm going to try and just have little flings on the side, maybe make some friends. And then just suddenly, suddenly it happens and I'm in another I'm in another situation with someone okay well this is all your fault like you know you have to you have to set a boundary with yourself because you're bound you can't follow your own like you have to decide okay if you don't want people to

fall in love with you if you don't want to break people's hearts and you're having like you want to have a casual sex like you have to be very clear which I'm sure you're being are you being clear up front like I'm not in this for a relationship I am and it made it even harder with the last relationship that I had or the last longer one, which was, I think, seven or eight months was that I was pretty open throughout our relationship. And I said, look, I'm in a really tough place where I love you and have a great connection with you, but I also don't think this is what I want at the moment. But then the relationship kind of continued on, even though I was open about that. Yeah. I think you have to be firmer with people. If you really are not

interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who is getting attached to you, the most compassionate thing you can do is to just cut it off unless you have no problem going through life just breaking a bunch of people's hearts I don't think like karmically that's really what you want to do what it sounds like you want to do is have a lot of casual sex with different people while getting to know yourself better and there's nothing wrong with that you know but when you when you go out with someone multiple times and and and you know like we all know when someone's more interested in a relationship than we are and you should you need to be like decent enough that when you recognize that, you pull back and say, okay, let me cut this off now. Don't let it

linger on and on. Even when you've said it and they're like, okay, because listen, I've been on the receiving side of that. I'm sure you have too, where somebody's like, oh, I'm not looking for anything serious. And you think, well, they'll change their mind if, you know, if they don't see me for a while or if, you know, with me, I'm different. Everyone thinks that they can change somebody. So if you stay with someone after you've told them that you're not serious, then that leads them to believe that they are changing your mind and that's just making a bigger mess of things so the boundary that you're you have is with yourself like you have to stop it you know make an amount like you're not going to see somebody more than three times so that nobody

gets attached to anybody until you're ready for an actual relationship and this way nobody can be that mad at you after three dates nobody's going to be like i was in love with you after three dates and if they are then that's ridiculous anyway yeah and i think that's what that's what my ex said as well, when I, when I broke up, they were like, you know, I gave you the opportunity to leave. And then I felt like that you were still in this. And then it just kind of dragged on and on. And I think a big part of me kind of staying in these things comes down to spending the majority of my life, feeling really insecure, feeling like I wasn't attractive, feeling like I was unlovable. And then I think suddenly having someone come in and be like, this person really

likes me. Multiple people like me. This is good. I need to cling to this. It's, I think it's, it's those, you know, 28 years or 30 years of me feeling like I can't have that. I don't deserve that. And then suddenly it happens. And I think I'm like, Oh, it's happening. It's a great example. Like, that's great. You people like you. So like, just, you don't need others, people's validation of how special you are anyway. You do because you've been dehydrated from it for your, from during your eight year relationship. My girlfriend is also experiencing this. She's dating somebody And he's all over her, like so considerate, making all these plans for her. And she's and he's like, you know, so into her.

And she's just like, I've never been treated this nicely. And it's annoying. Like, I'm not attracted to it. And I'm like, oh, my God, you know, it's so typical. But listen, you're attracting a lot of people. That's a great thing. Be respectful of other people and their feelings. And most importantly, respect yourself.

Don't spread yourself so thin like this. Like if you don't have the capacity for a relationship, don't lead anyone down that road, you know. And that's just a good way karmically for you to behave for when you are ready for your next relationship. And that way you're going to be treated with respect because you don't want someone coming into your life and messing with your emotions in that way. I mean, look how it made you feel for eight years. Absolutely. I think there's almost a sense of FOMO as well when I meet these really beautiful people that suddenly I'm like, oh, but then this person then

won't be in my life and that'll be really sad. And then I'm missing out on that connection. Well, you can still have them in your life, just like not in a sexual way for a little while. And I think if there is someone that you can't stop thinking of six months down the road or three months down the road, then like that is your gut telling you to go back and explore something a little bit more. and I think with the last eight year relationship I thought I could change myself I spent the entire time being like I don't think this is what I want but I like this person therefore I'm going to really try and change it and I just got to the end and I was like I really I really tried to change how I was feeling and I just I just couldn't I couldn't do it something I get a sense about from you is that you're very good at mirroring and you talk about being very good at people pleasing or that's like your mo is people pleasing and I do wonder I wonder if you're seeing

somebody if you're seeing a therapist to sort of like unpack some of this because getting rid of the people-pleasing stuff to a healthy degree has been super life-changing for me over the last are you in therapy because now would be a good time to start yeah yeah look i've had a i've had a pretty crazy year and i hadn't been working for a while so income and money was a thing and now i'm finally in a position or about to be in a position where i'm like great i can that's top of my priority list i need to talk about my shit because after after everything that's happened And this year I've kind of been just pushing it all down and being like, I'm totally fine. And I just know that it needs to just word vomit onto someone and really unpack it because

I know that I, I know that there's a lot in there that needs to come out. And like, think about your motivations for things too. Like, you know, what's your intention every time? It's good to take it down a notch. You're talking about getting to know yourself and then you're talking about getting lost in a bunch of other people. So those are two conflicting ideas also, you know, if you really want to get in touch with yourself, you should slow it down and fuck the FOMO. It's not about missing out when you're

trying to get to know yourself. It's about putting a deposit into your mental health for the future and for your future relationships. So be very generous with your care for others and also be very generous with your care for yourself. Yeah, I think I do keep putting other people's feelings and emotions before my own when I get into these things. Yeah, but that might be a selfish act as well. Even though it sounds like selfless, it can actually be a selfish thing when you're putting other people's because that that that creates resentment that creates all sorts of other emotions and it's kind of like you think like you're being a drama yeah it's a little like dramatic because you're you're creating drama like i do all this like i'm doing this for you i'm

doing this for you you're kind of taking the responsibility off of yourself when it's your responsibility you know so i think you need to get your head out of your ass a little bit get focused, get a good therapist and just calm down a little bit. Just calm down. You don't need to fuck everybody. You can fuck a couple of people. Don't get involved with anybody when you're not emotionally available. You want to have a good time. Go ahead and have it. That's all of you. And then spend some time alone and spend quality time with yourself alone. You mentioned that somebody you're dating has a primary partner and like maybe that's a good route for you right now is like not somebody who's going to be like, oh my God, I'm falling

along. Someone who already has told you their boundary is, that's my primary person. You're the side piece. And kind of following that a little bit. Yeah. I think that's why I'm feeling a little bit more kind of comfortable with the one that's happening at the moment is because I know that it's, I don't know, I know that there's somewhat of a boundary there already from them. So it means that I can't track them down with me. Yeah. Well, Jordan, on a completely superficial note, I will say you are now very hot and you don't need to worry that you're not anymore. Oh, God, thank you so much. Even at 6.30 in the morning.

Oh, yeah. He's in Melbourne, so it's very early. Oh, rise and shine. Yeah. Well, I'll be there. I'm coming to Melbourne. I just announced my Australia dates. I saw I'll be moving to the Netherlands, though, in June, so I'm going to miss you, and I'm

really frustrated. Oh, you're moving to the Netherlands. Oh, there you go. Well, that'll be a nice switcheroonie, too. There you go. Yes. All right, Jordan. Keep us posted.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Bye. I mean, he is so good at mirroring. I think he and I are dating at the end of that call. So I think we have time for like one more question. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 36-year-old

woman with a great career, great family and friends and a kick-ass dog. The one thing in my life I can't sort out are my romantic relationships. I've been married and divorced, no kids, and been in serial long-term relationships for most of my 20s and 30s. I promised myself a year of celibacy and focusing on myself. And when that year was up in August, I dipped my toe back in the dating apps. I soon met my current boyfriend. We took it slow and after three months of dating are an official couple and very serious about each other. It feels great healthy and mature. Thank you therapy. So what's the problem? My track record of relationship train wrecks has scarred my parents so badly they're no longer interested

in meeting or getting to know this wonderful man I'm not dating. That's my family. They were like I remember once one year they're like you're not allowed to bring friends or lovers home anymore. Not even friends. They hated all my friends. Damn. I'd always bring some gay guy home with me that would, like, ruin the—get so wasted or do something to him. Oh, no. Yeah.

Suck all the air out of the room. I always come with one gay man. My dad refuses to even hear anything about my dating life since he says he's sick of hearing about it. It should be noted that after his second divorce, I listened to and supported him through his many ill-advised rebounds, but I digress. My mom, who I'm extremely close to and love immensely, is normally inviting and eager to welcome any guest into her home, but she's told me she does not want my boyfriend to visit with me during the holidays. Her exact words were, I can't get close to someone when we both know it likely isn't going to work out. Ouch. I feel like the ultimate loser asshole whose entire family

collectively rolls their eyes when they announce they're seeing someone new. Wouldn't surprise me if there's a when will Sarah shit the bed on this one pool. I had made plans with my boyfriend for him to spend two days with me at my mom's house and have had now to call and uninvite him and explain that my own family thinks these things about me. I'm writing this letter after crying into my pillow like a little bitch after that conversation. I mean, who wants to be with someone even their own family thinks is such a loser? How can I cope with this and change my family's perspective? Is it even worth it? Are they right to set these boundaries? And am I being a huge baby about all of this help cnc i know you'll give it to me straight i would say to this that

you should respect your family's wishes on this one the only way to change your family's mind about you is to start changing your behavior and by changing your behavior means not bringing someone to the holiday since that is your pattern just don't you already uninvited your boyfriend great or you know the new guy and just respect your family's wishes and then show them a change Like if, if in six months you guys are still together, then you can introduce him. Don't prematurely introduce people to your family that they, because that's what you've done and just show them over time by going to Christmas without him, you're showing that you're respecting their wishes.

And that's the first step in saying like, okay, I hear what you're saying and I do want to make a change. And this is my first demonstration of that. Totally agree. I think the proof is in the pudding. And so hopefully next year when you guys are still together and you say like, you show them like hey we've been together almost a year and bring them along then I think that's all you gotta do is this this is a wait and see but go have a great time for the holidays and you know

you can talk about how great your boyfriend is but save your parents the heartache if there is yeah hopefully there won't be shabbat shalom yes well Chelsea this has been very fun and I'm excited for you to spend some time up shushing in the snow and yeah I have to get my birthday ready. It's time to start brainstorming my birthday video. Yay. Very exciting. Okay. Thank you, everybody. We'll be back. We love you. Have a happy holiday, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And thanks for all the favorite podcast DMs and mentions we got. And I love that we have so many fans everywhere at all my shows on the road. Everyone's always coming up talking about the podcast. So I really appreciate everyone listening all the time. I'm glad we have a

community. Yeah, that's fantastic. And you know, if you haven't left a review, go ahead and leave one leave a review or write a call in you know if you want advice feel free please do we always need callers chelsea do you have some new dates for us oh you know i do you know i do i have a lot of we added lots of canadian cities canadians i'm coming we added about 15 new tour dates i'm coming to denver again salt lake city vancouver richmond virginia santa rosa california Gary, Indiana, Baltimore, Verona, New York, and about seven dates in Canada. So go to ChelseaHandler.com. I am performing everywhere.

I will be on tour all for the rest of the year through December. And then next year, I'm going to be touring all year. So come and get it, you guys. It's good times, and it's a very much needed reprieve from all the fucking madness that's going on in this world. So I'm here to bring joy and sunshine. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law.

And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.