Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Oliver Hudson is in-studio with Chelsea today to discuss healing after cheating, braving therapy so intense it makes you feel foolish, and growing up in his uniquely A-list family.  Then: A single business owner is frustrated by his co-owner’s days off with her kids.  An HR rep struggles with knowing his parents medicated him from a very young age.  And a secret sibling is rejected from her father’s funeral.  Check out Unconsciously Coupled with Erinn & Oliver Hudson here.  * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook.

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Hello. Hello, Catherine. Hello. Good morning. Have a good afternoon and good evening. Hi. Hi. I'm getting ready to leave this country.

I'm going to be on vacation for two months. Oh, my goodness. I mean, I'm doing some dates in Canada. I have my Calgary and Vancouver dates. And then I have a ton of new dates in the fall, too, for ChelseaHandler.com for my Vaccinated and Horny Tour. Awesome. So if you live in Tampa, if you live in Colorado Springs, if you live in a lot of different

areas, I'm coming your way. You're even going to like Rockford and Rosemont, Illinois. Oh yeah, Rosemont, Illinois. Chicago is my best people. Those are my best people. Yeah, so I'm going on a like very long-winded trip. Family trips, friend trips. I have two months of new vacation time

since I am newly single and previously had plans to spend that with my lover. I have pivoted and now made other plans and I'm going to some exciting places. I'm going to Greece. I'm going to Granada in the British Virgin Islands with some friends. That would be wonderful. I'm going to Martha's Vineyard for my annual family trip.

I am going to Vancouver Island in British Columbia. Some hot spots there. And I'm going to Mallorca for the month of September. Amazing. I know you have really talked up Mallorca. I'm like, I think I need to go. Well, you guys have to come and visit. Okay.

Can you come? Twist my arm. Come. You're welcome. I'm there the whole month. The first week and the last week, I have openings. So if you're coming, you guys come pick that week and we'll get you a bedroom and sorted. Oh, OK.

That sounds great. We'll record some intros and things. Yeah, of course. Then we can do our podcast. Catherine's sitting here going, where are you? Can't record one podcast while you're in Mallorca. I'm like, Catherine, if you've seen me try to record anything on my own, you understand that it's impossible. I will happily fly to Mallorca to record a podcast.

That's perfect. It's a work trip. That's a tax write off. Exactly. Exactly. Now, that's so much fun. Yeah. So I won't be home for two months.

So my dogs could be dead by the time I get back. By the way, people have sent in a lot of chow rescues. So I will have to send all of those to you. Oh, really? My dogs have been so sweet since Joe Coy and I broke up. It's like they know that I need them. Yeah. Yeah.

Except Bert. He's so restless. I put him in my bed and he just won't stay there. He just goes like this. And if you stop petting him, he needs more. It puts his head back. It puts his head back. It puts his head back.

You know? And you're just like, what? He's very needy. Yeah. Yeah. But that's how they give love, right? yeah my dog just literally yells at me she'll bark at me until I give her a treat which is like why she gets treats you know I shouldn't reinforce that behavior but yeah she just yells at me until

we either like play with her or give her treats or give her whatever she wants yeah yeah I know I can't wait to have a different dog I can't wait for a new dog to come into my life but it's too irresponsible obviously to get one too much when I'm leaving town for two months to be fair you leave them like with a caretaker oh yeah but I mean that's why my bell's like I have to stay at this house the rental house I was like of course I don't expect you to bring them I'm like bring your whole family here live here why not this is the moment we're just inviting everybody to live there's never been a bigger waste of money than this rental house that I live in because I'm here like two days a month and it is absurdly priced and of course I'm have no economical sense and

it's just ridiculous because your house that we were talking about like a year and a half ago is still being renovated oh oh i went i took my friends there this weekend to show them and it's nine months away and i'm like i i gotta have to get i go maybe i just give up this rental because in december i'll go to whistler i'll be there for four months so i why am i renting a house the only thing i the only reason i continue to do this in my white privileged state is because it's a landing pad for everything that is me like if i have to come home for work in between that time i have a place i have my clothes i've got my stuff otherwise i'm coming back to a hotel right and that doesn't sound right and then you're like never not living out of a suitcase right exactly

so i anyway you're welcome to stay at my rental house as well right i think i need a night off in beverly hills and you want to look at some funky plastic surgery driving around those streets i've never seen i've never seen so many faces that look the same and you're like are you 30 or 60? No one knows. It's a mystery. No. I just learned about the BBL, the Brazilian butt lift. Oh, wow. What do you mean just? Everyone has that. I know. I like just learned about it. I just like figured that all the Kardashians look that way. And my friend was like, no, Catherine. You know what my doctor did? I just, my doctor took fat out of my, not my butt. He took fat out of like my flank or whatever over here and put it in my face and put it like in my cheeks right here

around this area i was like oh he's like yeah that will last you for about 10 years i was like last me because he goes you know how your face all these pads on your face they start to sink as you get older yeah so the idea is to give your own body its own plasma its own fat to reconstitute that so that they stay rejecting it yeah it's like your own stuff yeah so like that yeah so i have that so now i have two nice little indentations on my hips where it looks like i was turned into some sort of sex robot. Where you should have cheeks on your hips. I had a family member who did that, say, maybe 15 years ago or so, and she still looks incredible.

Actually, I have a couple extended family members and people that I know who did the thing of like, I just want to look like myself 10 years ago, and they all look stunning. Yeah, that's good. I like to start early with those things, get ahead of it before it becomes too much of an issue. you know like my neck really was bothering me so i just got this major which so fucking painful the thermage and the opus when i canceled my trip to hawaii and i was like well what can i do to my face and it was so brutal like i looked like a burn victim but look how tight my neck looks

extremely tight right so i had that leathery iguana thing going and now it's like oh by the way all of these procedures are so expensive so just don't pretend i'm not pretending that they're not it's like six thousand dollars or something so I just want to be fairly honest with everybody I feel like anything that makes you feel more like yourself and better about yourself yeah and makes you like have one less thing that you have to think about every day do it yeah if you can afford it you feel good about it and you're not doing it because you feel bad about yourself or you're not doing it because of someone else's preference of what you would look like do it yeah absolutely oh yeah absolutely I'm all positive you know what I just

don't like is fucking people lying about what they do and not admitting it that's really damaging because like yeah I'm sorry but obviously you've had plastic surgery you know what I mean like don't pretend that you know these girls are looking up to you like cop to it yeah so that girls know that's not an attainable thing unless you have money or resources or you know personal trainers and nutritionists and all these different things and lasers like it there is a whole spectrum of things it's not just Beyonce did not wake up like this she did not we love her but yeah she didn't yeah right neither did King Kardashian right but we love her too apparently we do because apparently the Kardashians are royalty in this country now you know I know what

was more wrong about the Kardashians than I was I cannot believe that they are like the royal family of America completely my favorite is it's always been Khloe because I've always gotten along well with Khloe. But Kourtney, I really like. I like her love story with Travis Parker. And she's real and she doesn't, she looks real and she doesn't complain. I mean, and she doesn't really want to be famous. She actively doesn't want to be. I respect that. As somebody who actively is famous, I respect somebody who chooses. Yes. I think the most amazing thing about Kim and what she has done is she not only created a career out of basically people giving a shit about what's happening in your life, because most people, nobody gives a shit about what's happening in

your life. She created a career for herself and her family out of that. But she also, I think, almost single-handedly created an entire industry around that. Influencers, every influencer owes Kim Kardashian. Like every influencer should send her a dollar. Truly. Is that necessary? Does she need another dollar? Maybe not. But just like a thank you. Why don't you give a dollar to a homeless person if you're an influencer? That's helpful, I guess.

Better choice. Sort of. We are going to take a quick break so you can hear an ad and then we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers?

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He is really, really something. He's a real piece of work. He's from the Hahn-Hudson clan, which means he is Goldie Hawn's son and Kate Hudson's brother, which is how he should be introduced at all times. We have Oliver Hudson here today because he has a new podcast that he's promoting and texted me and said, Chels, you don't have to say yes, but can I please come on your podcast to promote my new podcast? And I said, of course.

Of course, Oliver. I mean, you don't have to say yes. It comes from such a place of, well, let's talk about your insecurity. Welcome, Oliver Hudson. Hi, honey. How are you? Good. How are you?

I'm good. I'm so happy to see you. I haven't seen you in months. It's been a long, long time. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen your sister and your mother more recently, but that's been a long time, too. No, I know. We have an interesting relationship.

It's digital, you know, and then we sort of bump into each other and realize that we could be more. Yeah, right, right. That's exactly what we're realizing. Yeah, but I think that the distance is what has kept us friends. Has kept us close is the distance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like many relationships. Exactly.

So I know you have a lot going on, and I'm really excited about your new podcast, which is called Unconsciously Coupled. Mm-hmm. Gwyneth gave us that. We just spun it a little bit. Yeah, I didn't pick up on that. No, you didn't. Okay, good. Who knew what Gwyneth Paltrow was going to be coining a phrase for everybody to live by for the rest of their lives, right?

I know, and she got so much shit for it, too. When she started it, now, of course, it's like a mainstream, you know, the way to break up is to consciously uncouple. And now it's, well, you did a nice play on words. Thank you. Your podcast with Kate is called Sibling Revelry. Yeah. And you're still doing that. Still doing that.

So that's how this whole thing even came about, because Kate was working. She was in Europe last year doing her thing. So Aaron and I took over the sibling revelry feed. Oh, okay. And we were just talking about our life. And the first episode was very detailed about sort of my infidelity when we were engaged. And it was very open and raw and honest. And she was, Aaron was amazing in the way that she dealt with that, in the way that

she articulated it on the show. And then we just kept doing, we did about eight of them. And the response was so great. And we had so much fun that a year later, now it's been a year, we said, well, let's just, let's do this, you know, just honestly, because we love it. And, and you are in a very professional setup here. We are literally in bed with naked with a joint and a bottle of wine and just riffing on our life and relationship and kids. And it's, it's really, it's fun. Yeah, you guys have had a long relationship with ups and downs, right? 21 years together. Oh, my God. Yeah, 16.

Mary just had her 16-year anniversary. 21 together. And what did you guys do for your 16th anniversary? We actually don't really do much normally, but we went to Surf Rider Motel, which is a motel in Malibu that was refurbished about five years ago from like a shitbag motel to something really nice. And we just had, you know, we had the moment. Anal?

No. It's been a minute. I thought that was 16 years. It's been a minute. That was a special, like the silver anniversary is 25 and 16 is anal. Well, you know, we actually have an analversary. Oh. That's even better than anything I sort of imagined.

And it was in Paris like a while ago and something happened. Yeah, well, Paris is super romantic. Yes, and it's very anally there. That's what happens when you go to places like that. Once you see the Louvre, it's all over. But it was fun. It was good. I mean, we always try to get away from the kids.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It's important, I think, to make time for yourself and your relationship. And the kids are good. You know, they're good. Yeah. Well, I would say, Ollie, that you're somebody who's very in touch with the emotional side of things. For a straight white male, right?

You're very in touch with yourself. You like to talk about your emotions. I know you're very open about going to therapy and everything you've learned about being in a relationship. Even your family dynamics between your brothers, your sister, your mom, you know, your dad. So where do you feel like you've had the most growth in your life with regard to spirituality, therapy? Because you guys are all very spiritual as well. Well, therapy's been around, been in my life for a long time. My mom tried to put me into therapy when I was 16 years old.

The doctor was just talking to me about golf the whole time. And I was like, this is not working, you know. Got into therapy in my early 20s. And I think probably, honestly, going to this Hoffman Institute. Oh, God. You got to talk about the Hoffman Institute. Four years ago. Four years ago.

Almost four years ago now. It changed my whole perspective on things. I have never heard one bad review of the Hoffman Institute. No, I haven't either. I haven't either. I know Justin Bieber came right after me, and I think he left after four days. Well, that's what a lot of people try to do, right? Right.

And if you're Justin Bieber, you can leave after four days. Yeah. Right. I don't think he was like, eh, and then bailed. But Catherine, who was who do we have on? That was Katy Perry. Oh, yeah. I was talking about it.

Well, this is how I even heard about it all, because it just filtered down. It was a Katy Perry, then Jamie Mizrahi. And, you know, it's an amazing place and it's becoming very popular now, you know, which I guess is good. But at the same time, you could see Katy Perry or Justin Bieber there. Yeah. You know, I mean, everyone is going because it is really a if you if you commit to the experience and let go of your ego, it can do amazing things, you know, because me personally went there and I was just tight. You know, you see what you have to do and you feel stupid. You know, you feel like an asshole.

You're beating the pillow with a wiffle ball bat and screaming mommy or whatever the hell it is you do. And you're like, what the fuck is this? And I it took me two days to finally sort of surrender to it. and then once I did it opened me up to be able to take it in and not feel so self-conscious yeah and for me the breakthrough was I just couldn't it was specifically with this exercise and I I couldn't go there because I felt people were watching me and by the way it brought out the root of all my shit which is I don't want to look stupid I don't want people to dislike me you know and as an actor it's a hard place to be because you're constantly trying to please

rather than saying you know what i don't give a fuck what people think about me but i did so much so yeah that i wasn't even able to partake in this this process until finally everyone's beating the shit out of this and crying and it's like a crazy it's crazy yeah and i'm sitting there and i just stop and i say i'm gonna do this my way and this specifically was about my mother this one exercise who is the most amazing human being in my life and you would think i would go there for my dad and for Kurt who's my stepdad my mom has always been the constant interestingly enough she was the one who came through the most because she was my primary caregiver and when she wasn't there it hurt a lot more you know what I mean which is a whole other podcast we can get into

but I just got quiet I went into a more of a meditative state and I stopped hitting anything and I just really went back and went internal and thought about my life and thought about my mom and trying to find that whatever anger that was and it started to bubble up you know and then I took it from there and then you know went nuts on the on the fucking pillow on the pillow so okay yeah I hear this a lot because some people say you're not allowed to talk about it are you allowed to talk about the Hoffman Institute yeah you are I mean you're just not allowed to tell other people's personal stories right yes yes because you go in there and you go anonymously right and you don't say your name you don't you don't talk about what you do for a living and at the end you know

there's a moment there where things might get revealed but you go there anonymously even though you might know people which happens how big is the group of people it's like 40 then you splinter off into little small groups yeah and it's really about just having compassion and forgiveness for your parents because when you really get down to it and this is what i got to with my father especially whose dad bailed on him when he was five he didn't have much of a shot you know what I mean especially in the 60s where therapy wasn't the norm and you weren't really looking out for your mental health he was just okay you know your dad left and now you're off into the world and so when it got tough for him he just bailed and he has his own story but through this experience

through Hoffman I just found incredible forgiveness and compassion for my father because he didn't have much of a shot you know what I mean it was amazing the whole thing the whole experience was really incredible and his end goal always to forgive your parents for what they have done well I mean I'm thinking of the staircase I know the staircase yeah I watched it with those fucking kids and them believing their father but also I was just so upset for the woman who had died that these kids still believe this guy when he's so obviously guilty right right you have to be able to see your parents clearly at some point yes and then maybe forgive them yeah but not until they've come clean in a sense i don't know i guess i think it's personal you know what i mean right

forgiveness is selfish in a sense because it really takes weight off of you it's not about the other individual it's a very selfish thing i forgive you so i feel better essentially so if that's what you need and you can truly feel that even given whatever circumstance you know that parent had put you in then if that's what's going to do it that's what's going to do it i just watched this documentary called active shooter last night like they had all the different and it was just unbelievable to see and there was one specific in charleston at the church and the forgiveness that these people had for this killer was just so uh inspiring in a way and it wasn't fake. It was just coming from a real place of faith for them and that they were able to let go

and to continue on with their lives, you know, because of that. And that's great for them. But then there's some other people who just can't, I don't know. I'm not sure I'm a, I do forgive, but with the big things, I mean, I don't, I don't know if I'd be able to do that. Yeah. I mean, cause forgiveness seems active for a while, right? You have to actively forgive somebody and actively say you know i want the best for you i want you to thrive and i want and then if somebody's really wronged you it's kind of hard to get there in an active way you can have moments of forgiveness but to be steady and constantly forgive is another story which is more applicable to like a primary caregiver an attachment figure like you're talking about

well i'm glad you're off of the um your when did you go to the hoffman institute i was almost four years ago four years ago and there's a honeymoon phase to it all and then of course you know life fucking happens and you close up and you know you fall back in your patterns and and the great thing is is they tell you they're like don't don't leave here thinking you're just cured yeah we're giving you tools now to deal with your life it's it's it's gonna get rough it's life you know but that honeymoon phase is pretty cool yeah yeah i think that applies to any sort of therapy that you go to too it's like you know you feel like you're cured and you're like i've got you know my toolbox now and it's never going to be fucked up again and the whole

point of life is like it's never just going to be like smooth sailing from here on in like that's never going to be the plan for anybody no and if it is i mean you're really lucky but i wouldn't even say you're lucky because without you know rough waters you don't have growth and so you in order to really grow and evolve we do have to go through difficult times and internalize things and become self-conscious and become like worried about what other people are thinking you know i went through that period of time when i went to therapy because i had never gone before and i was so confident, like almost, you know, arrogant. Well, not almost arrogant, but and misplaced confidence where I just was like, believed everything I did was great and right. And then

you start to question, you know, you get a little bit of self-awareness and you start to think about everything. And then you start to wonder what other people are thinking about you. And then you're like, oh, this is ugly. I don't like that at all. You know, I don't like feeling self-conscious, but it's part of being a whole person. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then and then even with with a partner or even a friend you know again it's important to understand that we all do have our afflictions and we're all dealing with our own shit and I think sometimes we're easy to just say fuck off and we're done with that relationship yeah if one little thing has happened that may trigger you and now oh I'm done whether it be cheating or drinking or whatever it

is if there's some depth to that relationship and it's really you're looking at the big picture and the person as a whole rather than the action then there's a chance you know what I mean and that's what Aaron did for me honestly she could have easily been like oh you're gone but she knew I was a good human being I just had an issue you know and with the help of my mother and Aaron she was able to sort of understand that see that and stick around and I remember saying to Aaron when I went through all this and by the way I never got caught cheating I told her everything because I couldn't hold on to this guilt and have a family and have a life. So I had to put it on the line there and tell her everything.

Didn't you tell Goldie first? No. No, my mom did know of a certain couple situations, you know what I mean? And my mom's reaction to it was so funny because she's laughing about it. She's like a product of the 60s. She's like, that's funny. I'm like, funny? I'm trying to tell you I'm in pain now and there's this strange woman in my hotel room

and I'm crying and don't know what to do with myself. She's like, that's classic, honey. Oh my God, I love it. That's so Goldie. But I know it is. But I told Erin, I told her everything and I think that's what saved it too. You know, I didn't get caught.

I was like, I can't deal with this shit. And she was able to see me as who I was in the bigger context and we worked through it, you know. And I said to her, I said, look, I hope you stay because I'm going to get better, not just, not for you. I can't live like, I can't be this person in a relationship, whether it's you or whoever it is next. Like, I need to fix this, you know?

Yeah. Good for you. Yeah, I tried. Yeah. Well, we're going to apply all of your therapy and self-help to our callers today. Oh, good. Yeah. We have a lot in store for you today.

Catherine, what do we have going on? Oh, I actually picked some really juicy ones for you, Oliver. Oh, good. I wish we had a lot of straight male callers today for Oliver, but I don't think we ever have a lot of straight male callers. I think we've only had one. One straight male caller. We've basically only had one ever.

Yes. We've got medicated since four years old. Mystery half-sisters. Oh, I love a mystery half-sibling. Oh, God. I have one of those. Oh, excellent. Well, then you're in the club.

We both do. We both do, yeah. Yeah, I have one. Like a note slipped under my door. Have one. Oh, wow. Ooh, I want to hear that. We'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back with Oliver and Chelsea.

Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place.

Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you.

You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now-husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our town is small taters by most standards, right?

but to the people who grew up here, it's everything. What happens when a quiet Tennessee town becomes the front line in a battle over the future of America? Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land in the area. The first thing you see when it pops up is pioneers in Appalachia. But they weren't just planting houses. We need cities on a shining hill that exemplify and embody the Christian way of life. Stop right there. Is that normal?

A podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment. God need men to rule. Great. And decides to fight back. Do not use my hard work to sell your bulls**t. They're not just opposing what's being planned for here. Our hometown is not a test tube. They feel like they're standing in opposition to an entire administration. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you?

Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And Oliver and I are done with our bubble bath. We're back. Thank you for the back scrub. Well, our first email comes from John. John says, Dear Chelsea, A little over a year ago, I started a business with a good friend when we were both unemployed and realized if we couldn't find jobs we wanted, we should create them for ourselves. At the time, it was pre-vaccines and we both worked remotely trying to find clients and

build our business, so the fact that my partner was a mom of two small children wasn't really an issue. Cut to now. Our business is thriving and growing quickly. We're about to get an office space and hire our first employees, but my business partner still has to do pickup, drop-off, dance lessons, making lunch, etc. for her kids. I'm a single gay man, so I don't have any of these extra burdens, which I know are extremely stressful, but I can't help but feeling like I'm taken advantage of since I work full-time on our business and there are whole chunks of days, if not entire days, where she isn't able to work because of family responsibilities or a sick child, etc. Pre-COVID, when she worked full-time at another office, the family had a nanny that

they let go of when the pandemic hit, and they haven't hired a new one. They have, however, bought a second home and a new Tesla, and my partner is always buying a new Chanel bag or something else extravagant. At the end of last year, we even had to hire a freelancer for a couple of months to help us, which I don't think would have been necessary if my partner worked full-time, but we shared the expense of this person. I'm concerned about our business growing any larger without her full commitment. I'd love to know what your thoughts are on how I can be sensitive to her being a mom and the difficulty that comes with that as well as starting a business while still making sure their workload is equitable since we split all of the business

income 50-50. Thank you, John. Well, I think that's pretty standard. Like everything should be split 50-50. I think the way you just laid it out is actually perfect because it's fair. Like everything's 50-50. And if you have to bring on somebody to cover her time, that should be split 50-50 as well between both of you. It's just fair. You know, she has her responsibilities and obviously being a parent and having all of that are added responsibilities. But bringing on another person to supplement her shouldn't be her responsibility alone it should be a shared responsibility between the two of you monetarily yes right because if the business is 50 50 and it was from its inception you can definitely relay your misgivings about moving forward and growing

bigger but make sure you get this out of the way sooner than later and talk about you know that this relationship or in this company is equal to both of you and so if somebody has to come in and fill in the gaps for her that's not on you and your free time that's somebody that you're hiring together and splitting down the middle but again i guess the question though then is if she was able to take more time and be a part of the business then you wouldn't have to hire this person right so is he now sort of taking on her if they're only going 50 50 you know what i mean i think in good faith in the big if it's in the bigger picture yeah in good faith in a partnership i think the most generous and reasonable thing to do that's fair to both of you is to say, hey, I'm not going

to punish you for having a family. Obviously, that's your life and that's your number one priority. But at the same time, this is my business and I want to be treated fairly and equally to you. So I'm going to go ahead and say, yes, we need the extra help. But I don't think I you know, I do think it's fair for them to split it. Do you think that he should just be covering her? Well, maybe. I don't know. I mean, look, when she's when she's buying Teslas and second homes and but i don't think you can judge people's personal purchases you can't but then it sort of gets to you like well if you have a nanny which you don't anymore uh-huh then we could be doing this right so instead of a tesla like why don't you bring someone on to help but again we

don't know the personal lives of yeah and i don't think you can go in and be like hey you just got that valenciaga purse i will say this having three kids and knowing how hard that is and how time consuming that can be beware of the child excuse because i use it all the time parents use it all the time oh my kids and you can't question that excuse and sometimes it is just that an excuse it is not a reality so i would say beware i'm not saying that she is doing that in any way but i'm telling you from personal experience i have used my children to be lazy because i if i don't want to do something i'm like i can't i got my kids wilders got this thing and i'm sorry it's nuts it's just nuts you use a few buzzwords and then throw kids in there and then you're off the

hook yeah see now what you're saying is and now that i'm thinking about what you said previously you're right like it is kind of her responsibility to clean up her side of the street so if there is a system being hired i can see how it would be how it would make sense for her to actually cover that cost like that person's covering her work so but i i would still say at in goodwill like you have a burgeoning business that's doing well and in goodwill to extend this relationship and make it as healthy as possible, I would offer up to split that expenditure that it is hiring a third person. I know you already have done that. You already have hired another person. But if there's somebody that we have to hire to compensate for her lack of time, I would say still split it

just more in good faith. Yeah. And then that's it. You know, we're taking, you know, don't let yourself be taken advantage of beyond that because then you've put one good foot forward and then she can meet you there but i hear what you're saying ollie and i know a lot of people do do that to get primarily to get out of social engagement they don't fucking want to go to it's like i mean i've said i can't go because i have kids before and people i'm like no how much do you know me i'm like my nieces and nephews are in town you know i say shit like that all the time all the time so it's good to know that people are having children to get out of socializing it's one of the perks You could have started smoking cigarettes.

Well, you did that too, but you've quit, haven't you? I'm trying, I'm trying, I know. Haven't you gone to Cary Gaynor? No, I know, the books and the thing. No, Cary Gaynor in Santa Monica, you go three times, he's a hypnotist. Oh, really? Not Alan Carr. Yeah, Alan Carr, right, that's right.

Cary Gaynor is, yeah, I'll send you his contact. Everyone who goes to him quits. Yeah, good. I have an issue with smoking when I'm working, like it's Pavlovian. Like I go to work and I'm on set and boom. Or I go home after a day and I drink and I smoke. You know, I'm a vice guy. I need vices.

I know. You know, it's tough. I mean, I smoke my weed, but I don't know. Like, I don't know who I am without some sort of a vice. It's kind of sad. Yeah. Well, maybe you'll get that sorted out. Yeah.

If you really want to quit smoking, I mean, you have to want to quit, but this will work for you. I do. I do. My driver's wife, Carolyn, went. She smoked for 26 years, and she never smoked again. Wow. And the last session, he said to me, he goes, you're going to go out tonight. And I said, do I have to stay away from my smoking friends?

Because it's three sessions in three weeks. so on the third session you quit forever and he says i said can i go out with my girlfriends who smoke and he said yeah go out with anybody he goes it's going to be a foreign substance to you and i never smoked again really yeah and i even tried one like six years later we were in mallorca and everyone was smoking i go let me try that and i took one hit of it and i was like yeah yeah yeah so yeah if you want to quit i'm gonna do that i mean you have to deal with the way he looks and that's tricky it's like going on the set of three's company with mr furley um but you know you can get past that. That's amazing. Well, John, let us know how it goes. I think a lot of these

issues are going to kind of fall away once they build the support staff. But my dad, who's a successful businessman, always says partnerships are like lobster traps. It's very easy to get into them and very hard to get out without losing a limb or your life. So this might be the time to also think about buying her out if that's an option. Oh, OK. Well, then that's a third opinion. Yeah, I think that you've got a spectrum of opinions here, so just pick one. Pick one and let us know which one you chose. And let her have her handbags. Yeah, I was about to say that, too.

Don't get petty with that stuff. Yeah. Because that will ruin everything. If this business is really good, let's keep it at bay a little bit. Don't start to bring up the Teslas and the handbags because that will throw it into a tailspin. Immediately defensive, yeah. I once had a girlfriend who I had loaned, I don't know, probably like over $30,000 to. And she bought a Tesla.

And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I just could never speak to her again, you know? That's crazy. But can you believe that? Oh, I mean, $30,000 over years and years, but just a constant fuck up. Always needing money, always needing help, support, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I was her only friend that could help her with that. And then when my friend goes, guess who just bought a Tesla?

I was like, OK, I'm done. I'm done. Nope. Well, our first caller today is Ev. The subject line of his email is, Medicated from four years old, proudly gay, undeniably resentful, and unable to tell the truth about it. Dear Chelsea, I was heavily medicated from the age of four until my mid-twenties. My parents believed I had a plethora of learning disabilities, ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, etc.

As I got older, I started to taper off the medication without telling them because I know it gives my mother a sense of security to know that I am taking my meds. I no longer drink alcohol, take drugs, or medications of any kind. I enjoy my life, I love my husband, and I love what I do. Is telling my parents that I don't take any meds, now that I'm 31, the right thing to do? and should I be upset with them for medicating me for so long? Yours truly, Ev. Hi, Ev. Hi, Chelsea. How you doing?

Oh, we're doing well. This is Ollie Hudson. He's our special guest today. How are you? Hey, how you doing? Good. How are you? Good. I've never heard anyone called Ev. It was a nickname when I was a kid. It just kind of stuck with me. I don't know. I like it. Yeah, it's cute. But I was telling your producer, it's always something whenever I'm in a situation where I'm nervous, I always say, hey, you can call me Ev.

It's like, I don't know, it's a bit disarming, I guess. Oh, OK, that's cute. I thought it was going to be short for Evelyn. That's why I was surprised to hear that it was a man. I was like, oh, Ev. OK, we've got that clarified now, Ev. Well, it's really nice to meet you. And I'm so sorry that you were medicated at four years old. That's a bit of a shit show. Yeah, I kind of I don't I've grappled with it for a long time. it's not something that I feel ruined my life in any way. I do wonder developmentally what

would have been different if I didn't have antidepressants, like a slew of other medications at that age. One thing I've tried to tell myself again and again is my parents did this because this is what they knew. So it's kind of that I'm not upset with my parents. I just wonder, I don't know, I wonder why and kind of why there were systems in place to support that. So I don't know. It's something in my life that my husband, who's been very supportive, he's kind of been the one that's like, you know what? Now's not the time to talk to your mom about it. Let's just let's push this. We don't need to do this right now. So I just I kind of wanted your advice. I love the podcast. I'm a huge fan. Just wanted to hear from you what your what your take was. I would just say right off the bat, like there's really no point in going back. You know what I mean? Your parents did what they did. There's nothing you can do to change it. And any energy towards that or any resentment, you know, you really want to try and work actively to let go of because there is nothing you can do. And when there's nothing you can do, the best thing you can do is move forward and just try to forgive them that, you know, I'm sure they weren't trying to hurt you. They were doing the best that they could in that moment. And they weren't as informed as maybe they could have been. And that's really, you know, not their fault either. So, Ollie, do you want to speak a little bit about that?

Yeah, no, I completely agree. When you were speaking, that's exactly what I was thinking. I mean, how's your relationship with your parents now? Is it good? Yeah, it's actually the best it's ever been. Right, great, amazing. So this is the reality we live in right now. What they did in the past, Chelsea's right.

I mean, they were probably trying to figure it out themselves. How do we make our kid better and how do we make ourselves feel better? Because when your kid is out of control, you feel out of control. So I think it was just as much for them as it was for you in a way. But now your parents, it's an amazing relationship. So, you know what? Fuck it. It's gone.

They did it, you know? Yeah. There is one part of that, though, that I don't, that I'm a little weary about. They don't know that I'm unmedicated. That's really where. But you're a grown man. I know. I know.

And part of me is like, you know what? It's not their business. You're living your life. You've been in H.R. for 10 years, which is not something you can do if you don't have, you know, your shit together. So I don't know. I just some part of me feels bad about not being honest. I think great relationships in your life, whatever they are, they're always they come from a place of trust. So I worry that if I'm not bringing trust to the table, how good really is the relationship? That's kind of where I am. Oh, OK.

Well, I mean, no, I think that's valid to bring up. Like, why? I mean, what's preventing you from telling them that you're not medicated? What's the worst that could happen? Right. I think that's but that's what's in my head. What is the worst that could happen? Are they going to get upset about it?

Are they going to not talk to me for a while? I don't think they're that kind of people. There really have been great parents growing up. I think it's just I'm in my head about it and I don't know what the worst consequence would be. I just don't want to make waves. And I find myself making excuses. I truly don't. I don't know what the worst could be. How long have you been unmedicated for? It will be 12 years.

Oh, well, OK. Yeah. I think you should tell your parents. I think it's weighing on you. And you should have been lying for that. Well, that's OK. That's OK. That's OK. You were just like trying to almost protecting them in a sense. You know what I mean? You didn't want to stress them out. You can always explain that to them in that way. But if it's weighing heavily on you, being honest, which is really admirable, go and tell them and just say, hey, I just want to let you guys know this has been bothering me for some time because I haven't been forthright, but I haven't been medicated and it's been about 12 years. I feel great. My life is going well. I just didn't want to burden you with this. But I feel like, you know, just what you just told us is beautiful. Like, you know, in the hopes of having a really fruitful, meaningful, deep relationship, honesty is one of the most important facets of that. Plus, you're a living example now of just what it's like to live a beautiful life without medication.

So it's not like you're telling your parents when you're all jacked up and you're not feeling good. You're looking good. You feel good. You got your man. You're successful. You know, all of those things. so you know how can they even deny where you're at because you are and it was this beautiful place you know that's kind of that's exactly what i thought in my head and that's what my husband told me he's like why don't you come to them when you or it's just undeniable you've been doing this for 10 years you you look great you know everything is together your career is in an upward trajectory wait until that point so and i i appreciate that and that's kind of

what I'm hearing from you guys do but I I think I appreciate it thank you I'm jealous I'm still on medication like I gotta go I tried to get off last year and then I had to prescribe him with some new stuff oh my god I was calling shots because I lost my shit I had the worst summer of my life with such intense

anxiety it was so gnarly for me and it wasn't I had experienced it before in my 20s but it was so rough trying to raise three kids and I had to go back on Alexa Pro just because I needed to even out again I just, I just lost it, you know, and I'm on it now. No, I, the other thing I was writing the email and I was like, God, this sounds so judgy.

I was like, I don't drink, I don't do drugs or any of that anymore. And I was like, God, I hope Chelsea doesn't think that I'm like judging of people that take medication. Cause I'm not, I think it's a beautiful thing if that's what you need and that's your path. I was just speaking personally. So like, you know what I mean? everyone kind of has to come at it at their own point of view or vantage point i guess what medication were you on or medications oh my god the lift uh well metal ritalin

um lexa pro was one of them i forget the names because they were so it was the generic it was long but if they were in it was a mixture of antidepressants mood elevators and the ritalin was for focus but it was like a lot yeah it's a big cocktail so i was just like oh throughout the of it. And how was it for you to transition off of them? I don't want to say it was a moment. It happened very, I just, it was kind of like a domino effect. One happened, then the other, I stopped taking the other. And I was like, well, this is, I think a lot of the drama in my life was created by the medication. This is normal. It seems like we should have been doing this a long time ago. Oh God. Get off this meds. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's a lot of medications

to be taking for a young kid anyway, starting young, you know, when you're that young and you're taking them for so long, you must be having to change them all the time. Well, that's, that's the thing is the dose has just kept increasing and increasing because you do build a tolerance over time and it's like they would interact with each other. So you had to make sure like you couldn't drink and how hard is it to tell someone who is in college in New York City, Hey, don't drink. But it's like, what? Like this is not happening again. I don't condone that for other people, but that's just, that's my own situation. And we should make sure that we say here, like if you are out there listening and you're planning on tapering down any medications

or coming off of medications, please do talk to your doctor first because coming off of some medications can cause things like suicidal ideation to increase and depression, or maybe just aren't good for you to go off of all at once. So always talk to your doctor. But of course, here at this podcast, we believe if you can't make your own serotonin, store-bought is fine. Yeah. Well, Well, I think you're doing great. You seem like you've got your shit together. I mean, look at you. God, I wish I was you.

Yeah, Ollie wishes he were anyone but himself. Thanks, Ev. Thanks for calling in. And good luck with everything. And let us know how it goes when you do tell your parents. Will do. Will do. Thank you, Chelsea.

Okay, report back. I will. Bye. Okay. Bye. Bye. What a gentle, what a gentle giant. He's sweet.

That was almost like calling in for a non-problem problem. Right. You know, like he didn't really have a problem. He just wanted to talk. Well, you could tell he's self-aware of sort of how he makes people feel all the time. Like, I know I don't want to condone this or I'm sorry about this. He's very apologetic, which probably lends itself to not being able to tell his parents because of fear of judgment in some way.

Good insight, Ollie. Yeah. That was good. That was enough therapy. I could be a therapist. behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers

get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability bell connection is everything when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for thought daughters pop culture obsessives and anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse i'm eli rallo and every week

we're connecting the dots between books the internet and the conversations everyone can't stop having i'm gonna have to look up this story i'm obsessed i'm obsessed from best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's Like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts.

You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. small taters by most standards, right? But to the people who grew up here, it's everything. What happens when a quiet Tennessee town becomes the front line in a battle over the future of

America? Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land in the area. The first thing you see when it pops up is pioneers in Appalachia. But they weren't just planning houses. We need cities on a shining hill that exemplify and embody the Christian way of life. Stop right there. Is that normal? A podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment. God need men to rule. Great. And decides to fight back. Do not use my hard work to sell your bull. They're not just opposing what's being planned for here. Our hometown is not a test tube. They feel like they're standing in opposition to an entire administration. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen

to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our next caller is Michelle. She says, Dear Chelsea, my wife and I each made a New Year's resolution to find a therapist separately. Neither of us have even attempted finding one. I lost my dad a couple of years ago to suicide, and my wife thinks that I need to talk to a professional about it. I feel as if I'm at peace with the situation. Obviously, I miss him dearly and I think about him a lot, but I don't feel I have an urge to talk to someone about it. Most of my friends have therapists and love going and I'm so supportive of therapy and love the idea, but I'm inherently lazy and any free time I have to look up therapists, I end up being lazy

and turning on the TV or consume my time with something else. Maybe that's something I need to talk to a therapist about. I feel like it might help to just get a push from somebody on the outside. Michelle. Hi, Michelle. Hi. Hi. This is Oliver Hudson, our special guest today. Hi. Hi, Oliver. How are you? We both have our master's degrees in therapy. Yes. Not psychology, just therapy. Yeah, just therapy. So, I mean, listen, getting a therapist, you're not going to come out worse for that. Even if you go to one or two sessions and decide this isn't for me, like at least then you you you will have tried and you will have made an effort in that direction your father committing suicide is going to have an impact on you whether you realize it or not

whether it's now or it bubbles up in 10 years i would always advocate to get ahead of that to get ahead of grief that you don't feel yet because there is something called delayed grief and that happens to a lot of people so you could be at peace with it now and i believe that you feel that way but you don't know what's around the corner and a life event like that doesn't just go like it tangles you up at some point. And as far as your wife, is she going or has she made inroads to do that? No. Well, then I guess that's even more of an impetus. Set an example. You do it. You know what I mean? And show her like, yeah, I did it. I did what we agreed we're going to do. Sitting back and watching TV. Listen, we can all relate to that. Like I did that last

night. I was supposed to write something and I was like, oh, fuck it. I'm just going to watch, you know, brain dead television. And it never makes you feel good about yourself to not do the thing you're supposed to do. It just makes you feel like shit the next day. So when you can get ahead of something in your life, you're doing yourself a favor and you're doing all the people around you who love you a favor too. Yeah, that makes sense. I think I have a concern and I was talking to a friend about this that like, I'm going to, I'm sorry, Oliver just threw up. Are you okay, Oliver? Yeah, no, I just threw up. Okay. Sorry. He just had a big breakfast. It was just Captain Crunch everywhere.

Yeah, I just puked. It's fine. Okay, go on. I'm going to find somebody, like make an appointment, go. And then I'm not going to like what they have to say to me or be annoyed with what they have to say to me. And then never go again. And that's going to be it.

And I put effort into it. And I know it's not a one-size-fits-all situation. You've got to shop around for, you know, lack of a better term. But that's also just something that I don't look forward to doing. But you're projecting all of that, right? You're creating a non-reality, you know what I mean? A narrative that hasn't even existed. You've already in your mind gone to the therapist, had a horrible time, said, fuck you, you're terrible. I'll never find one again. Then you're back on the couch when really you haven't even done. I mean, you've just created that, you know what I mean? Which is what's preventing you from actually experiencing it. And you may be very pleasantly surprised. Absolutely. What is preventing you from doing it? Just that? I mean, basically just saying it's not going to work.

That's probably the main cause. And then also just feeling like, so I talked to a medium and I thought that that was just the coolest thing ever. And that was exactly what I needed for healing and just hearing what she had to say. And I just thought that that was kind of the closure I needed, I suppose. So the nice thing about seeing a therapist is that if you don't have a lot to work on, they will usually tell you that, too. So you might go for a few sessions and they might, you know, kind of essentially give you a clean bill of health and say, you know, if you need to talk again about work or anything else, let me know. But, yeah, they'll give you an out. Absolutely. Well, therapy is great because my best sessions in therapy are the ones that I just do not want to go to. I'm like, I'm fucking fine. I don't want to do this.

I want to go play golf or I want to do something, but I'm going to commit, stick to my commitment. And then 10 minutes in, I'm like, oh my God, whoa, this is happening right now, you know? Yeah. And you don't have to, like, if it's not for you, you don't have to stick with it. It's just like making an effort to do something out of your comfort zone is really important as a life skill, I think. I like to always challenge myself. Like I dread half the shit I do because I'm like, fuck, how did I get myself into this

situation again? That's what makes you strong and it makes you tough and it makes you knowledgeable. And then you become like a fuller, rounder, I mean, in essence, you know, not like physically rounder. Therapy makes you physically round. Robust. That would be great. But you know what I mean? Like it's a good exercise.

So just try and figure it out and go through with it. And if it's not where you belong, then that's okay too. The other thing too is what about your wife? Maybe say, why don't you come with me? Why don't you guys do a couple session together, you know? yeah that's something we definitely have talked about too so might also just be helpful to have you know someone that i trust sitting there with me too or you could go alone come back and tell your wife that your therapist told you to start swinging and see and that that's where that landed

you so go fuck yourself and then she's like do not go to therapy ever again thank you i don't know a lot of people are into swinging these days ollie you don't know what the reaction is going to be it is everybody i know it keeps coming up in conversations and i don't know if people are joking i'm joking but i don't know if other people are joking about swinging because it seems very prevalent right now no i know i know i'm more of a one-sided swing like i couldn't yeah you want to hook up with the girl right right exactly i don't want the swing to go backwards i also don't want to hook up with a guy i would rather hook up with a girl with my boyfriend than have sex with two men that doesn't feel right to me at all it seems like too much work yeah well you're a lesbian so

So it definitely feels like too much work for you, right? Yeah, true. So there you go. Well, thank you, Michelle, for calling in. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you. Let us know how it goes.

Yeah, keep us posted. Okay, I will. Okay. Thank you. Y'all have a good day. You too. Hmm. Well, this next one is a doozy.

This is from Arielle. Subject line was, am I the asshole? Dear Chelsea, about three years ago, I received a suspect Facebook message from a woman who claimed to be my half-sister, saying that we shared the same dad. I was baffled, and I didn't know what to think. After days of questioning her, it turned out she is my half-sister, but doesn't have a relationship with our dad. Our dad's name was on her birth certificate and the story she told me about how he met her mom lined up, a past place they worked. The problem? She's between the age of me and my

older sister, which means my dad cheated on my mom when they were still together. This half-sister got in touch with me because she was curious about family health history and just wanted to know what me and my older sister were like. She actually lives in the same city as me, so we met up and got drinks. We get along well. But then I made what might have been a huge mistake. Right before the pandemic, our dad died. He was sick for five months before he died, and I never told my half-sister that he was sick, but the thing is, I didn't know he was dying. When I told her that he'd died, she was upset and asked for funeral details. My mom knows about this half-sister, but doesn't know that I know about this half-sister,

so I felt inviting her would stir up drama at the funeral. I was worried about people asking why she was there and who she was. Me and my older sister told her that she couldn't come, and this made her furious, understandably so. I tried to reconcile with her and sent her an apologetic message, but she read it and didn't respond. I still feel bad for not letting her come to the funeral, but was it right to do so in order to protect my mother and family who didn't know about her? I could write another email about how my dad lived a whole double life and we didn't find out until after he died, but I need help moving on from this one. Am I the asshole for not letting her come to our dad's funeral? Thank you, Ariel.

What do you think, Ali? I don't think you're an asshole. I mean, I think because it's coming from a compassionate place of just trying to protect everybody, not knowing what to do. And this was your instinct was to do this. Now, in hindsight, may have a different choice have been better, like maybe. But I wouldn't call it an asshole. I mean, there's a lot going on here. Discovering your dad had an affair.

You know, there's this sort of half sister involved. The family doesn't know. I mean, there's so much going on. it's hard to navigate something like that and she had to make a decision and the decision was hers and was coming from a good place not a bad place necessarily and now you got to clean it up a little bit you know but that's yeah you're definitely not an asshole you were considering your mother's feelings and you were considering everybody's feelings she can have time to either understand that you know and digest it and maybe come back around but you're definitely not an

asshole you didn't do it out of like ill will or to be to be a jerk you were weighing all of the benefits and the pros and cons of it and it just seemed like an imprudent thing to do at that time and I think that's totally understandable so I would definitely not keep beating yourself up about this you could maybe reach out to her again with another email maybe explaining further if you feel like you want to develop more of a relationship with her or get to know her if that's true for you then you should send her another email you know when you think enough time has passed where she can receive it in a different way maybe and explain yourself a little bit more about why it was important for you to make that decision and how it wasn't a reflection of you know how you

feel about her but it was about considering everybody else's feelings and how uncomfortable it would have made the funeral etc but you can't control how someone's going to react to your decision you know and your loyalty and your familial responsibility is to those people that you've grown up with and to your mom so yeah I would I mean she almost made the right decision in a way i mean i think so i mean imagine if this person shows up at the funeral it's like who is this and now all of a sudden oh this is your legitimate sister and you're like whoa whoa whoa now it blows up and even if like no one else ever figures that out the mom still has to go through that day grieving the husband that she's just lost with the presence of this person who's like

the mark of infidelity on her relationship like that's really hard for that mom yeah exactly i would never put my mother through that ever yeah i mean the best case scenario might be just to have a big family meeting be like hey throw it all out on the table let's get after it now and then we'll leave here holding hands you know it's like all right here's what happened now we're all in it now we all know now there's no secrets and now we can either you know mend fences or have a relationship or not but at least you know it's all out there not not to make this about me but i've But my father and his brothers don't talk. And my whole Hudson side of the family is like just fractured.

It's starting to get together a little bit now. But I texted everyone. I'm like, let's just rent out a restaurant and everyone go. And you can fight. You can laugh, whatever. But at least everyone's in the room and getting it all out. And then we'll see what happens from there. And what was the response for that?

People are willing. It's just about getting it done. It's actually making it happen. Well, just find a local cheesecake factory, Ali, and get it done. I mean, nothing's stopping you. That's the right place for that. Well, Arielle, let us know if she gets back to you or if you don't hear back and if you reach out, of course. Well, our last email today comes from Sarah.

Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to you for advice on an ongoing issue I've been having with my boyfriend's family. To zoom out a little, I just don't have time for people in situations that drain my cup without ever putting a drop back in. If spending time with someone doesn't make me feel good, I'm out. Been there, done that. Life's too short. Enter my boyfriend's family. He and I have been in a healthy relationship for four years, and we plan on getting married and starting a family together. He's my guy. I absolutely adore him.

He's incredibly close with his family, and I'm incredibly close with mine. We both agree that family is super important. He adores his mom, which is great. His father passed away pretty suddenly about five years ago, So he and his brother tried to fill the space that was left for their mom, which is amazing and makes me so happy to see. But his mom drives me crazy. She's a really nice lady, but she's a ball of nerves. Her family affectionately calls her Nervous Nellie, but it's more like Incredibly Anxious and Overbearing Nellie.

She drives around with snow tires in a city where it snows once, twice a year for six months because she's scared. She'll always ask a million times if we liked the gift she bought. So annoying. So annoying. Or if what she said at the family gathering was OK, she recently freaked out about a light in our place flickering because she thinks it will cause an electrical fire. The list goes on and on. When we hang out together, the boys go off and do their own thing. And I'm stuck with mom. I do my absolute best to be kind in these situations because I know it's important for his family to be together and I want to be a part of it. Being around her exhausts me emotionally and mentally. If we have plans on a day where I'm not at my best, I just can't handle them, and I find myself being snippy and brash.

My boyfriend amazingly does realize how anxious his mom is, and we can talk about it, but I can tell if I go too far. He starts to get defensive, so I really have to watch how I decompress to him. I worry about how these things will play out in the future. When we have kids and I want to have a natural home birth, is mom going to lose her mind? Etc. Sarah, do you have any advice on building this relationship, even though it doesn't make me feel good? How can I prepare for and handle these situations with kindness and grace? Sarah already sounds like you are handling it with kindness and grace. I mean, I would not be left alone with her because I, you know, I mean, first of all, yeah, you can handle it with kindness and grace.

You can do all the meditation you want before every time you meet with her. But like she's a live wire. It's all over the shop. It sounds like with her. I don't think you should worry about future, like projecting the future. And if you would have a home birth, you're going to have a home birth period. Like she can't interfere with what you're going to do with your body. She's not a Republican or maybe she is. But I think you should also have like an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how much time you have to spend with her. Because that's not a fair ask. I don't think, you know, it's one thing to have to deal with an in-law of any kind, whether it's parents or siblings.

but like it's not cool to have to be that they go out and leave you alone with her when she's like that and they know she's like that and he can get as defensive as he wants but you need to lay some like heartfelt ground rules about the amount of time that you're willing to spend under those conditions because it really wears thin on you and I don't think that's unreasonable at all I think that just has to have like an honest even conversation with your boyfriend you know and if he gets defensive you have to put a pin on it and wait till he's not in a state of reactivity and be like, listen, I'm not accusing you of anything. I've done this work. I've tried it. And I just need to have a fair set of ground rules. Yeah. Love it. Because nothing's going to change.

The mother-in-law, however old she is, she's not getting better. Nothing's going to shift. That's just what you have to deal with. So then it's about making the best of that. And if that means your husband being more, or fiance, being in tune to how you're feeling, then you're limiting the time you know what i mean you're just are but in-laws are in-laws can break up relationships i mean yes i've known people who have broken up or very close to because of in-laws you know because you do get defensive my mom always says you marry the family yeah i got so lucky my in-laws are amazing oh yeah you are lucky well so is aaron's lucky yeah your family's fun i mean Yeah. Your family's the most fun to hang out with.

But I have plenty of friends who it's just like, oh, I can't deal with that. I mean, I just can't deal with it. So you have to avoid it when you can. Yeah. I would also say, you know, when you do have to spend time with her and you know they're going to go in the other room or go, you know, do their own thing, maybe get yourself an activity that you guys can do together. So whether that's playing a game or watching a show together or whatever it is, something that is like outside of just talking about yourselves. Because I know in some of my sort of more stressful in-law relationships, being able to have like a third thing that you're doing and rather than just like talking about everyone in the family or talking about what's going wrong really helps. Or you build up credit, make a game out of it. So every hour you spend with my mom, you get a day at a hotel. That sounds like a real affair exchange. Like that'll go well. I love that.

Or it's just start. Yeah, I like that. I think, Catherine, that's a great idea to have activities lined up so that it's not, you know, activities, not like lawn bowling or something she's going to freak out about. but board games like shoots and ladders oh actually that might be scary for her too it sounds like so maybe something a little bit more maybe Monopoly just keep it basic right unless she's got financial anxiety oh yeah fuck god now we have to find a game Q-Bert what about Q-Bert no that would cause anxiety too hungry hippo no dice cards just cards but yeah yeah I think that's sweet you've tried and you sound very sweet and

that you've made a good effort. But again, you are not responsible for her well-being or her sanity. You're responsible for your own sanity. Yeah. Well, Sarah, thank you for emailing in. And we'll take a quick break right now and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all. And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers?

Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell, connection is everything. When I was 14 years old,

I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's like if you can

hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages i'm hoda kotb host of the podcast joy 101 with hoda kotb if you know me you know i'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy so this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people like when my friend henry winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand

out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Enjoy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our town is small taters by most standards, right? But to the people who grew up here, it's everything. What happens when a quiet Tennessee town becomes the front line in a battle over the future of America?

Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land in the area. The first thing you see when it pops up is pioneers in Appalachia. But they weren't just planting houses. We need cities on a shining hill that exemplify and embody the Christian way of life. Stop right there. Is that normal? A podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment. God need men to rule. Great. And decides to fight back.

Do not use my hard work to sell your bulls**t. They're not just opposing what's being planned for here. Our hometown is not a test tube. They feel like they're standing in opposition to an entire administration. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, and we're back from our loofah scrub with Olafer Hudson. Long bath.

Well, actually, it was Olafer now. It's with an F. Oh, it is? exchange with me yeah we've changed my name and um based on oliver's advice that he gave today i would say that his podcast is very worth listening to it's called unconsciously coupled with his wife aaron not not to be confused with the other aaron foster right now this is aaron hudson aaron foster i'm sure she loves that um but uh yeah he has got a great pod he also has a podcast sibling revelry that he does with his sister but yeah he's had a lot of experience in this realm

So it's very good to get a straight man's perspective on things. Yeah, why not? Yeah, and especially if you're in a marriage, which many people are, and everyone who's in a marriage definitely hits a point in that marriage where they encounter friction. There's always friction. I just love it. I honestly love doing something with my wife, you know,

because we haven't done anything in the work world together. And it's a blast. And I think it's reflective in the show because it's not about trying to sort of make a money grab of any kind because we're not making any money yet. It's just more about just being together and having these conversations together, and it honestly opens stuff up with us. I bet.

When she tells me shit that she's not liking the next day, I'm conscious of that, and now I'm like, okay, you know. Yeah. So we're learning as we're talking, you know, which is fun. It's nice to get to know somebody more deeply, you know, because I think in relationships also you can kind of hit a breaking point where it's like in certain relationships you're going as deep as you can go, And then, you know, if you stick it out and get through those phases where you feel like it's not going to get any deeper, and that's exactly when it gets deeper.

You know, it's that quote that they say, you know, in order to change the world, you have to change yourself. And it's true. Like when you change, you affect change in other people. Just by your vibration, just by your energy and your open-mindedness, it has a direct impact on the people closest to you. So sometimes when you're doing the work, you have to remember you're not only doing it for yourself, you're doing it for, you know, your spouse, your children. Great point. Great point. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Well, Oliver, at this point in the show, we like to ask if our guest has any advice they'd like from Chelsea. So would you like to ask her for advice?

Do you want me to teach you how to give a blowjob? Yeah. I've never given one. Okay. Catherine, do you have a banana? I do. I do. Here's, because we've talked a lot. Okay. This is a career question because you know how to work, but you also know how to play. You balance it very well, it seems. But you work hard, but you also play hard. I play hard and don't work hard enough.

I love the fun of life. I feel like I have a lot of potential in my career as a director, actor, in this business. And I have yet to really scratch the surface of what that potential is. But I don't have the greatest work ethic. The question, I guess, is do I just remain content? Or do I try to shift myself to where, okay, it's time to sort of realize your potential, even though it's not something that is just driving me right now? Well, we're always working.

Why do you think you don't work hard? Well, because I think it's relative to what I feel. I'm going through the motions. I do my press for the show, and I do love my podcast, but just creating for myself. I do stuff that comes to me rather than going out there and really pursuing some of these ideas that I have that I know can be great if I just put the time in. Yeah, well, I think then you've answered your own question. I mean, generating your own work is a great source of, like,

you're going to find the joy that you find in your personal life, play life. And if you already feel like there's an imbalance between play and work and you make that adjustment, the joy that you get from your play life will go over to the joy that you get from your work life. It's hard to break through, you know what I mean? Like, if I sit down at the computer, immediately I'm gone. It's like you the other night when you said you want to write

and you're just watching mindless TV. yeah that mindless tv is is more prevalent in my life than it is than the work uh-huh you know when i know that the work would make me happy if i can just get through it but i get discouraged so how do you i think you just have to create a new habit you know like you have to give yourself like starting today tonight you're going to give yourself one hour don't make it something that's not going to be able to be fulfilled give yourself 30 minutes or one hour where you go sit down and you write like what are you it doesn't even have to be writing a script or writing an idea it's like write what you want to get accomplished in this hour in the next three months do you ever

sit down and not do shit meaning like you say oh this is my time to work and i'm like i got nothing but i'm sitting here and i'm trying yeah yeah i do that a lot sometimes yeah like i just always if i have 20 minutes on a plane or even like you know two hours on a plane i make sure that a reading for me is always a spark of creativity if i read a book which i always do but i now i'm like okay, you can read, but you can't read for two hours anymore because I have to write a book right now. So I'll read for like 30 minutes and then I write for an hour and a half. I'll be like, you have this time amount on a plane ride. But for somebody who's just trying to shift that narrative in your mind, I think psychologically, if it's too big of a responsibility, it will be

hard for you to fulfill. So I think you just have to say to yourself, like starting tonight or whatever time in the morning you have, if it's in the morning, if it's at night, whatever, pick 30 minutes, 45 minutes. And then slowly as time goes by, you're going to go sit down at your computer and write what you want to accomplish during this time or start writing a script or start writing ideas that you want to generate into becoming more of a reality. And then over time, you're going to be drawn to that. You know what I mean? You just have to create the habit. And I fall in and out of habits all the time, but I definitely am good at creating new ones and getting myself motivated. And so you just have to light that fire. And once you light it

and just say like you go for five nights in a row of an hour a night where you're just sitting at your computer even if nothing comes out you're just like fucking around with ideas on the sixth night you're gonna want to go to that computer right right because you're like wait i gotta go do this you know and i think that's a good creative no it's true and it's i think you're right it's not about it's it's the time that you create in the beginning is not overwhelming like two and a half hours i mean just give yourself a small amount of time yeah there's a great book called daily rituals which it just gives you kind of every artist what they do in their creative of time like some people are more creative in the morning i know i am like i'm more clear like i like

to look at a script first thing in the morning if i'm writing something or a book because that's when i have the most clarity and i haven't fogged up my brain by then you know but some people it's late at night you know and some people it's mid-afternoon so you have to just find out what time your zone is and try them out at different times and see when you feel like the most kind of productive what's a book a daily rituals it's good yeah it's just a it's a little it's not like a book book it's just gives you like all these artists philosophers painters writers and when they worked and how they worked i like that i'm gonna get that because you don't want to overdo it yeah it's something i've been trying to figure out for a long long time yeah i know that because

we've had this conversation before yeah so you should just bite it and chew it and fucking start i know i know breaking the habit yeah and then follow up with us and let us know how that advice goes. I'm going to check in with you in two months. Okay, good. See what's been accomplished. Oliver Hudson, you are a delight as always. This was so fun. I know. I love talking to people like that. I know. Well, now you have your own podcast to do it all the time. I love the psychological aspect. It's great. Yeah. Exciting. Thank you. It's exciting. So if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, email us at fearchelseaproject at gmail.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive

what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts if your bookshelf and your for you page are equally important to your personality welcome home pro society is a weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk

creators and plenty of overthought opinions listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle, I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita,

trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport, and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook. Each week,

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