Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Getting Better at Marriage with Anna Faris

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Anna Faris joins Chelsea to talk about life as a stepmom, learning to radically accept love, and the very particular smell that comes with reptile ownership.  Then: A sexist boss at a startup sends their best employee to the want-ads.  A twenty-something worries about his best friend’s gold-digging girlfriend.  And a stoner is concerned about the quality of her husband’s lil’ swimmers as they try for their first child.   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. if your bookshelf and your for you page are equally important to your personality

welcome home pro society is a weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, Katherine. How are you? Hi. I'm great today. Oh, God. I was looking online this morning for chow rescues to see, and if any of my listeners know about this, to see if there are full chows that are rescuable because I really want my next dog to be a full-blown chow, but I don't want to buy one from a breeder.

I know there's a bunch of chow mix rescues I'll probably end up getting a chow mix But if anyone has a full blown chow That they want somebody to take I'm your person You're adding to the fold I just want that face in my face That fucked up scrunchy face

Do you know how much time I spend On TikTok and Instagram looking at chow videos It's so pathetic And they come in so many different colors And sizes There's white, there's black, there's orange There's brown ones Did I ever tell you I had a chow mix growing up?

No. Yeah, he was a German Shepherd chow, but he looked much more chow. His name was Buster. I think chow is a dominant thing. Chows have any chow that it's the dominant trait, just like, you know. He had like the purple tongue and everything.

He was just the best. They're just the cutest dogs. So that's my latest venture is to find a dog because I've spent so much time at home that I can just give the dogs to my bell to finally, it'll just repeat, talk about repeating a cycle of abuse. I'm basically repeating a cycle of just not being considered a real parent.

Right, exactly. But now you have Joe in your life, so he can, like, help co-parent and, you know. Yeah, he's got more experience in parenting than I do, so I guess he would be a good co-parent. Yes. He just doesn't like when the dogs sleep in our bed, which I, you know, I do like. You need that. I want that body.

I like when I hear Bernice snore in the middle of the night. She's like, I fucking love that. It makes me laugh in the middle of the night. the other night there was like i don't know what was going on but she came up to the doggy steps and she was whining like she went and she never does that and i look up and she's like can i come in it was basically like can she come in the bed because joe wasn't there i was like yeah bitch get up here let's do this i was like i will staple you to the bed yes you have to i see i even like when mimsy like kicks me in the night like she wants to sleep in between my legs and she'll like

kick to like yeah that's what i want i want someone who wants me all the time that's the kind of dog I'm looking for. I thought I didn't like that because I had that in Chunk, but I'm ready for round two of Chunk. Exactly. Well, we have a quick update from Tara, who called in on one of our episodes and she was coming out. She was married to a man, but she was coming out as a lesbian and was going to talk to her family. She was on Lilly Singh's episode. Yeah, yeah, I remember. So she said, things have been going well for me. After I told my mother, which turned out to be somewhat of a heart crusher, I did take Chelsea and Lily's advice and basically stopped giving a shit about who I had to come out to and how I was going to do it. I took the same approach

to coming out as I do when people ask me why I don't have social media. My life is none of anyone's fucking business. My advice to anyone else in the same situation is this. Your life is your story, nobody else's. You will share different chapters with different people. Some will be great, some will be not so great. But you choose how it's told and who you tell it to. And always remember, when it feels like you're turning your life upside down, you're actually turning it right side up. Tara. Oh, God. Isn't that lovely? Look at this little ripple effect this podcast is having. It's incredible. Giving people time to share their problems and then them taking advice and making changes in their lives. God, what a nice development, you guys. We love the feedback.

always send it in and if you want to send in any questions it's at dear chelsea project at gmail.com let me just put my bifocals on okay let me mention some show dates i have coming up i am winding down my summer dates i will see everybody in hawaii july 1st and july 3rd honolulu kahuli so i'll be on oahu and maui and then july 28th i'll be in montreal at the a Just for Laughs festival. And August 12th, two shows in Vancouver. And then Calgary, August 13th and August 14th. And then I just added another 22 cities after that. If you go to chelseahandler.com. If I haven't already been to a city near you, I'm definitely coming to a city near you then. So check chelseahandler.com for tickets. Today's guest is Anna Farret. Oh,

Shit. Today's guest has her own podcast as well. It's called Unqualified. Please welcome Ana Farris. No. Today's guest has her own podcast as well. It's called Unqualified. Please welcome Ana Farris. Hi. Hello. Hello. Oh, my God. Look at how the tables have turned. You were the first original person to ever have a podcast, right? Well, after Marc Maron. I was the first original. You invented podcasting. And boy, do I regret it. I know.

Look at what a shit show. Now everybody has a fucking podcast. People, unborn babies have them. Oh, my God. Like in 2015, I was able to say, I think I'm starting a podcast. And people would inevitably be like, what is that again? And I would say, like, cereal, you know, that thing that's going around. Yeah. And now here I am. And, you know, well, you should just remind people that it was one of the original podcasts. Yeah. You know. Yeah. You're OG. I've actually had one since 2015. Yeah. I'll remind all my guests. Yeah. I think that's a good actually opening statement and opening thesis, if you will. Can I be a guest and open with a question?

you were going to pull some shit like that, Anna. I knew it. I fucking know your shit. And I knew you were going to go, yeah, because I know you just had my lover on, Joe Coy. He was on your podcast recently. I adore him. Who doesn't? Oh, my God. He was such a great guest. So wait, though, when you guys had known each other forever, when when did it turn to romance? The first penetration happened last August. We were friends forever, but we hadn't been hanging out for many years I hadn't seen him and then he resurfaced and then he would not get the fuck out of my face you know what I mean he was on it and on it and he kept resurfacing and even I went away for three and a half months and we kind of kept in touch and then it just turned into like all of a

sudden one day I just was like oh wait a second I think that this is my guy like this is it but that's a major shift in mentality I mean he probably crushed on you forever that's what I Because, you know, because it's a little, I don't know, in my experience, I guess, that most guys who are friends with me back in the day, because I don't have any friends anymore, but. That's so Anna. That's so Anna. That is so you. You're always talking about how you have no friends, which is ridiculous. I think I, well, that's a, it's a different subject, I suppose, because I think I'm lazy

and I'm a hermit. I kind of enjoy my own company. And also we have three kids in the house. This is all boring. I want to talk about. No, that's not boring. This is your life. Listen, the last thing my listeners need to hear is more shit about Joe Coy and me, because that's all we fucking talk about. So we do need to talk about you actually. I'm just so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. I appreciate that. Like, and making that mental switch from friend to lover is kind of difficult, don't you think? Yeah, I do think. I mean, it's not difficult because the ease with which you can be yourself with that person

outweigh any difficulties that surround that kind of transition. Because it's really not difficult. You know, I mean, I suppose if we were having an affair, that would have been difficult. You know, if one of us had been cheating on somebody or whatever, but it was just so pure and nice and like everyone was rooting for us. And that was also one element that I wasn't ever expecting, because if, you know, you had told me I was going to date somebody else who's well known, I would be like, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. That's the last I wanted, like a finance guy. And then I found out how fucking boring finance guys are. So it's much better to be with somebody that, you know, you think is cool. Like, I think Joe is cool. Like he everybody thinks he's cool, you know, and he's definitely cooler than I am in terms of my family dynamic. like all my nieces and nephews now just think Joe is like the coolest. And I fucking love that because pressure's off. I'm sick of being cool. I want to like a timeout, you know, I just want to be alone and do my thing and smoke a joint on the beach and not be asked too many questions.

My enthusiasm for life is different than it used to be. Like now I really enjoy my solitude. So I can relate to what you're saying about being a bit of a recluse. When you said that it would be like difficult if there was infidelity involved you do not seem like a person who is a cheater is that right yeah no I wouldn't cheat on somebody I would just break up with them that's so mean yeah well that's because that's how I've always perceived you as being maybe proud is is incorrect but sort of the idea of like proudly straightforward yes I'd like to be direct I don't like to mess with people. People have a decision if they want to be around you. You give them the information that they need. Here's the truth. If you don't like it, I totally get it. But here it

is. So if I were to do that, I would be very upfront about it. But I'm not like that. I just wouldn't even get myself into a situation. Maybe when I was younger, yeah, when I was a little bit more reckless. Now I'm like, I'm not going to hurt somebody in that way. I don't want to be responsible for anybody being in pain. I think that's amazing. So anyway, that's enough about me, Anna. We're here to talk about you. And then we're going to give advice to callers. So you don't even have to talk about yourself for so long. So just I want you to think about that as we go into this next phase of the interview. Love it. But you did mention that you are with three children now. And I know that you have one. So the other two, I'm assuming, came from your

new husband? Yes, they're teenagers 15 and 18. Oh, whoa. That's a far cry from what you were dealing with. Oh, man. And I am the youngest child. I was a camp counselor. So I had that experience and I was a really shitty babysitter. There's a peanut allergy story. I didn't believe in allergies. Anyway, whatever. I almost killed the kid. It could have been a whole different life for me. But being a stepmom has been, I'm still learning. I really am. I felt at first like I wanted to be kind of like this wild new reckless person in their lives because I was also going through a divorce. And so I had that. Now that I'm like a divorce veteran, because I've been divorced twice there is this kind of shift that happens especially it hit hard the first time

I turned into somebody that I didn't recognize like I was always the kind of person that had their fridge filled and I hosted a lot of dinners that was back when I had friends a time long long long time ago but then I found myself in this apartment with just beer and mustard in the fridge And I and I was going out all the time. I had no one to text or call and say, hey, can I do this? Essentially, it was incredibly liberating. And I reverted to, you know, like 17 years old. I went to a bar. I was like, yeah, dangerous. Yeah, right. I would have done something like that at 17 as well. I was down to get busy with whatever. And I also took a lot of pride in knowing that I could handle more drugs than anybody else. And I would still be able to, like, get us home or navigate something, some situation to get us taken care of. I took a lot of pride in that. And that's rebellion and recklessness, obviously. I never I was never promiscuous though is that like an old timey term I think so I think so I was never promiscuous but because I was terrified I was terrified that I wasn't a good lover I was terrified that especially young when I was younger I was so self-conscious of my body

I didn't want anybody to see it but I would dance on the edges of it I wanted to be desired desperately right how long was your first marriage two and a half years so okay nine hundred thousand dollars okay okay copy that and then how long was your second marriage 10 years about 10 years was so you're getting better at it eight years yeah you know it's kind of how i feel about chelsea lately i don't know if it was eight years or 10 years so you're getting better at it though a 10 your marriage is it is not a not success it's not a it's I don't think it was 10 years I think it was like seven but it would yeah but we were together for 10 years but anyway yeah I think there is it's slow growth on my end yeah well some of us are a little bit more I feel like there's

areas in my life where I've matured in a short amount of time as a little kid and then there are areas in my life where I'm still acting like a little girl Chelsea I feel like you and I might have this in common i don't know but i think this time it has been easier for me to accept a lot of love oh it's still it's like i still kind of struggle with it but are you like that though like if there's so much love like i think just when i was younger if there was a lot of love like I must have subconsciously liked a chase or something that I don't know it feels healthier though whatever it is it feels like I can be loved yeah right which is such a it feels like a corny thing to say but it's true for many of us you know it's the same way we feel about

compliments when people are unwilling to receive compliments like you know I don't know if those two things are related but like I don't like a lot of adulation I don't like a lot of people telling me to my face how great they think I am I'd love it for them to be doing it behind my back that's fine but don't involve me in that you know like it's uncomfortable and then I have to say thank you and thank you and thank you and I've spent like an inordinate amount of my time saying thank you to you whether it's my fans backstage at a show telling me you know nice things about myself it's like that becomes too much and then it loses its meaning right it doesn't affect you in the same way it should each time.

Joe Coy is very good at receiving adulation and adoration. He loves that. And I know what you're saying about that, but I wonder if that is connected to the love part. It could be. Yeah, because for a while, it would be annoying to have somebody adore you that much. It's like, oh, there's a revulsion there,

but that revulsion is a protection over your own person. You're trying to preserve yourself and not get hurt to the point where you would be vulnerable to them, right? You know, my mom is and but was this stunning, stunning woman. She grew up dirt poor. She had to get like all her teeth fixed and stuff. But she really like I kind of want to show you a picture.

But she never complimented my physical appearance. And because I was such a late bloomer, I had chubby cheeks. I wore headgear for fucking years. I think my parents did that to me because they wanted me to stay a virgin. Even though they're atheists, that was one of the struggles of my life, for sure. So I think that I can accept compliments that are about my work well, and I'm very grateful for that. But especially in Hollywood, like if you're at a thing and everybody looks beautiful and someone is like, oh, you look so beautiful. I can't absorb that very well.

At least it's a little too much. So I just, you know, got fake boobs and bleached my hair. That was my strategy. And decided to have no more friends. She's like, that's it. It's me, myself, and I. No one else. That's right.

That's right. I feel like I've met your mother. Would I have met your mother? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. There was a party at my house once, and I believe you were there with your mother. this was many many years ago god was i there with my mother why would i do that oh my god where else

would i have met her maybe i met her when i when i did your podcast one year at your house it was definitely in a house setting that feels right i think that's right i think that's what it was that was when you were still married to chris because he was outside drinking a beer there was another guy and then you and i were at your old house recording the podcast okay uh This is my mother on her honeymoon. Like, she has, like, the, you know. She looks like something from that movie, that surfing movie, Gidget's surfing movie.

Totally. Yeah. She had, like, that whole look. But she didn't know it. She's very uncomfortable. I think that because it was her identity, like, it was kind of how she broke through and she met my dad, but she never played it up.

She was always, I mean, as far as I know, they've only slept with each other, you know. Getting back to my parents' weird philosophy about sex. What's your relationship with your mother like now? We're really close. We're really close. She had a tremendously difficult childhood. And as I get older, I can see how that really affected her.

And it's kind of, it's really remarkable that she is as great of a mom as she is, I think. I mean, her parents, I've never told this story. I'll tell it if you guys don't mind. Her parents, one Easter when I was nine, they had this really dumpy family cabin. They lived in a, you know, a very, very modest home. It was kind of falling apart. And they also had this really dumpy cabin on an island, a beautiful island in Washington State. And we were all there for Easter.

and I was using the bathroom in there was one bathroom and I could hear a lot of shouting and then the door gets kicked in by my grandpa and I'm like on the pot and he's always been weird anyway always made me incredibly uncomfortable and he said get outside I'm getting the gun so we're all like my aunt like shoves us all into the station wagon where we're all hovering while my grandpa has this massive gun that my uncles are wrestling away from him. And I think about like, it was scary. It was scary, but I didn't even know how scary it could have been. He was such a violent, unpredictable man. And I think he had this hold on my mom and her sisters that was so she came from that yeah and I admire her so much

yeah that's pretty scary stuff to deal with as a child as an adult it's scary but as a child and not knowing if you're safe or not I think is like the number one thing that we all wrestle with and to stop perpetuating that cycle right like to put an end to that cycle so that that cycle of abuse doesn't continue because that's what happens with families you know somebody does something and then the kid does it and then the kid's an abuser and then it's like well fuck I mean I guess our whole if you want to be like thinking of it on a really spiritual level our whole entire existence and purpose should be into creating new imprints right and new memories and stopping any cycle of negativity which is impossible to do because you're a human being

I think that's an amazing sentiment and important for parents to remember. Yeah. Parenting is a tough, you know, a really tough job. And a lot of people go into it thinking that it's like very one dimensional. Like, I can't believe I'm going to love this thing as much as I do, or I'm going to be loved as much as I want to be loved because I didn't get the love that I needed. You know, it's one of those two things are usually the basis of wanting a child is to give or receive the love and it's like if you could take care of that on your own before you have a kid then imagine how healthy you can make that kid completely completely I'm really proud that Jack the son that I have with Chris he's nine and he is such an even-keeled kid

he is hysterical he's smart he's and he's just and he's confident but without being a jerk so far. Yeah, that's the key for any man being raised is to be confident without being arrogant. Right. Yeah. I'm really proud of that. Oh, well, that's good. I'm glad you have an adorable son with him. And I'm glad that you guys are able to co-parent in such a nice, healthy way. That's going to be great for him as he grows up. And I'm sure, actually, that's probably what we're going to turn to. I'm sure we have some parenting questions. Yes. Oh, God. And since out of the Three of us, Anna, you're the only fucking parent on this podcast today. You better get yourself, yeah, buckle up.

Truly. I live in a community that makes me feel like a terrible parent every day. Well, I think that's the community. It's like yoga and organic and like the what? You didn't know the assignment was due? Yeah. Well, you may be helicoptering less than some people, you know? Definitely.

Yeah. I tried helicopter parenting with my dogs and that backfired. So I no longer am a helicopter parent. Well, we'll take a quick break and we'll be back with some questions. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced.

But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations

everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip,

I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts.

You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, and we're back with Anna Faris and Catherine, my co-host. Hi, hi.

Hi, hi. Well, our first question comes from Liza. She says, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I have been successful stoners for many years. My chronic depression and anxiety took a turn for the worse this past winter, and I decided I needed to get sober and clean for my mental health after drowning myself in cannabis on a daily basis for two years. I've just hit my 30-day clean mark, and I'm feeling better than ever. We're discussing starting a family soon, and I'd like him to refrain from using for some time before we conceive to try and have the healthiest baby possible. When I quit initially, he took a short break but is back to daily usage. When I brought up my concerns, he got very defensive and told me he supported my journey but wanted no part of it.

Am I overstepping by asking my husband to quit while we try to conceive? Liza. Hmm. I don't know, medically speaking. I mean, I'm sure there's merit in that finding that marijuana causes weak sperm or the sperm that you get isn't going to be top notch. Well, there's less, right? It, like, suppresses the sperm count, I think. Oh, well, I have no problem with that.

But, Anna, you go ahead. Well, I think the important information, I think, is his behavior, right? If he's kind of checked out and if he's not connecting with her in a way that she likes, you know, or if they're not having enough sex. It feels like there's, if it sort of reassures and affirms her journey, that's one thing. It's another thing if she's annoyed fundamentally that she's clean. And it's another thing if his behavior changes. Liza, we need more info. Yeah, we need.

That's true. If he is kind of like a dud and doesn't get a lot done and isn't that motivated, fine. Then that's his own issue. But I would also say that like when you do something and detox and like go on a cleanse or a diet, you really shouldn't be trying to corral other people into it. That's not the way to get anybody to join in. the best way to do is to exhibit your behavior and your changes and let that person catch on if they want, you know, let them go, oh, wow. It's like Joe and I, I go to the gym every morning. I

have to work out every morning. That's my routine. And sometimes he comes with me and sometimes he doesn't. But the only reason he comes with me is because when he feels like, well, shit, you do this all the time. I want to level up like I want to be like that, too. But I don't make him go. So your analogy is funny because I was thinking it's like there is a layer here. I don't know if Liza feels this way or whatever, where if somebody has a new workout routine and they got to tell you all about it. Yeah, that's annoying. Yes. It's like someone telling you about their dream every day. It's like you felt these things, but this makes no sense to me.

And I don't think you should really fucking read into any of this shit anyway. So I think that Liza needs to kind of figure out what elements of his usage makes her kind of irritated and to gauge it. And maybe it is like, babe, can you wait till 5 p.m.? Or I don't know. Or take a couple days off before they are like trying to conceive so he can still like do it the rest of the month. I mean, the other thing there is like, if somebody's defensive about having to stop doing something, then I think your answer is right there. Like if you're so freaked out, which, so it's two different arguments, you know, like if you say to someone, oh, stop smoking weed for a month and like, why, why, why? I don't have to. Like, obviously they don't want to because it's going to be a problem for them, which is even more reason to do it. Like it shouldn't scare you to have to abstain from something for a set amount of time. I did that alcohol cleanse and I was like oh this is so long but I had to do it so mostly so I probably wouldn't have to do it again you know what I mean I was like okay okay everybody but yeah unless it has there's a medical component do you think that's the whole thing so I just looked it up and there's a University of Chicago study that says using marijuana can

affect the sperm count and alter the shape and function of the sperm. So, yeah, it can lower fertility. And maybe the conversation's even bigger than this, though, because according to the letter, Liza said he was pretty straightforward. Good for you, babe, but not me. It's not for me. Right. There could be. What if he's not quite as enthusiastic about having a kid or what if i don't know i don't know that's a good point well there's a bit here well yeah but you should also try to get pregnant and if that doesn't work in three months and you think it's because of the sperm count then you can revisit the conversation yeah and talk to your doctor about it too because your doctor may say like yeah he needs to cool it for a week before i'm

her doctor katherine excuse me i'm sorry it's accurate have you guys ever heard you know how sperm is the indicator of sex of the gender of a baby like that's the one that chooses yes they have either an xx or an xy okay or we have no we just have the x they either have a y or an x okay okay i'm gonna sound like you're teaching us a lot right now though i know is the earth flat or round somebody tell me first before i ask this question again it's round for now it's on the map those boats would never come back but on the map it's flat so on maps i just want everyone to know the world is flat so when sherry shepherd asked that question she was not alone i'm just gonna put that out there i just i just found out about the moon and the sun and

their whole situation recently so you have to bear with me on my knowledge of basic fundamental information that is available at a fingertip a fingertip away this is what i believe but i haven't checked its accuracy in a while so we're xx as females boys are xy whatever why am i giving a biology lesson fuck i thought it was just x and y i thought it was x and y it's an xx and xy i don't know chelsea i don't know i really gotta backtrack here what if we're i think we're probably giving so much false information on this podcast this is this is this is on fox news you guys you're listening to fox news okay totally totally from what i read though the um male sperm tends to swim faster but die sooner oh the female sperm swim slower is like more

resilient through slow and steady right yeah whatever yeah whatever business we got that tries to like prevent them so there's a whole theory about if you want to have a boy as your exit is like traveling down are you making a jerking off motion right now as we speak okay oh okay i like to do that yeah yeah you can use i just want to i just wanted to make sure that i was talking that yeah i'm terrible at hand jobs speaking who is this hand job conversation we were just talking about hand jobs like who is giving hand jobs who is it are these girls in high school like because they don't want to give a blow job That I can get behind.

But a handjob as an adult is an insult to both parties, as far as I'm concerned. I completely agree. Who's doing that? Like, what? It's so, I mean, sex is animalistic as it is, obviously. But jerking someone off, just even the hand gesture is so upsetting. Like, I wish you could do it with my foot. You know what I mean?

Because that's how far away I want that situation. I know. I know. I bet some guys would like a foot job. How deeply into sex should we get? Probably not. I don't know. I mean, we'll see what the next caller has to say.

Maybe it'll lead to a sexual conversation, Anna. Okay. All your dreams could come true. Chelsea, I always felt like you would be the popular girl in high school that would sort of befriend me because I was, like, just weird enough. Because you had no friends? Yeah. I would totally. I would totally do that. I love helping people out or saving people. I like to make sure people know that they're not alone. You told me on my podcast that you said, Ana, you are so fucking weird. And I took that as such a compliment.

Yeah, you should. You should. You said it with love in a weird way. It was really nice. I think about that. That was a good compliment. Oh, well, I'm so glad. I'm so glad you are. Yeah, I like weirdos. I think it's much cooler to be a weirdo than to just be a follower. Everyone's a follower. I'm even a follower. We follow and there's like we do so many things without even thinking because other people are doing them that it's nice to have originality. So that's what makes you unique. Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I do this purposeful disguise because I sure don't feel... Do you guys ever have like a serious brain-body disconnect? Yeah. Like, man, this is a costume. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Because everyone has a multitude of different things that going on in their brain, you know, in one moment, you can be your confident best version of yourself, and and totally secure in everything you're doing. And then two days later, you can be completely self doubting, and not sure what you're doing or having any confidence. I mean, I think that's what's so complex about like the human brain is we could get up our own asses. And we have a hard time staying out of our heads. And so I like to think of things, anything that keeps you out of your head.

That's why I love reading books like that requires my attention to something that has nothing to do with me. I always felt uncomfortable being a woman, like the idea of femininity. I mean, it's not a struggle for me anymore because I'm 45 and I wasn't exactly a tomboy, but I really prided myself on not being afraid. Like I really always wanted to be brave. Like, we had my brother, he belonged to the Washington Herpetological Society. What does that mean? Herpetological. Reptiles.

Oh, I thought it was something to do with herpes. Okay. There's a society for that. Well, herpes, yeah, for animals with herpes. Yeah. So we always had tons of snakes and tarantulas and piranhas and parrots and lizards. And the house had a very particular smell. And there was always like one loose. And I felt really proud of never being scared of bugs or kind of overcoming whatever. I was like this little feisty thing. I was incredibly short. And I was really angry for a long time that I wasn't born a boy. Yeah, well, I mean, I think what we're all learning is that it's not one or the other.

There's this whole spectrum of like masculinity and femininity as we know it. I certainly didn't feel like a girl for a very long period of time, but I feel like one now. I feel like a woman, you know, and I but I feel very masculine. I have a lot of very masculine tendencies. But does that get in the way of like your female friendships? Yeah, sometimes. I'm very, yeah, yeah. I mean, I have a terrible history of friendship endings. So I am like, that is the one thing that I can't seem to shake no matter how much therapy I go to. It's just like I have a very steadfast desire to let the truth be known and not to pussyfoot around anything and not to ever be insincere. so that gets you into trouble not everybody likes to hear the truth and I understand that's part of

my personality and it's not something I'm willing to like forego like if you came to me and you said I need to know the truth about something I would I would have to tell you this is the truth even if it were going to hurt your feelings as a sister as a woman to another woman even though you think you're a man I would say to you hey Anna this is what I see and this is what I know because I think that's what you that's like the best gift you can give anybody in your life is the truth no one benefits from being lied to? I am not like that. That's so funny. No, I'm much more like my female friendships are always like dancing with awkwardness. Oh, well, that's just you. That's you. You're awkward and you're in your head. But that's your thing. Like, I mean, who cares? Like,

that's your personality. It's not something to resist. It's something to embrace. I have no choice. I know. You are you, so you have no choice. Okay, so what do we have next? We have to get through some callers, Ana. We can't just sit here and focus on you the entire episode. I know, I'm sorry.

We have to help the masses make better life decisions. That's right. That's right. Well, before we get to all the fun stuff, we'll take a quick break. Okay, sounds good. We'll be right back. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save.

Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming.

They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. but these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality,

welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having.

I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it.

It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out.

You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our first caller today is Luke. Oh, they're going to be online, Anna. Get ready. Yes. We have friends joining. So Luke is a rarity on this show. He is a straight guy. Wow. Straight male listener. That is unique. Yes. He says, One of my friends has been in a relationship for two years with a girl that's not good for him,

and I'm struggling to help him see that. There are three main issues. One, extreme jealousy. She consistently does phone checks to see who he is talking to and does not let him talk to or hang out with any females unless she has met them and given her sign off. This has sadly led my friend to abandon a lot of long, completely innocent and platonic relationships with female friends. She also restricts him hanging out with the boys, which has caused a strain in our main friend group. Number two, gold digging tendencies. A year into the relationship, she moved into his

apartment but does not pay any rent. She then persuaded him to get all new furniture for the apartment because she simply didn't like his stuff. I get furnishing an apartment together, but when she's not paying rent, why should she have all the say? She's made several comments in group environments that she needs to marry someone rich and praises others for doing so. May have been said in jest, but concerning nonetheless. 3. Pressure to get engaged. The girlfriend comes from a more traditional family where getting married young is the norm. My friend, on the other hand, has told me consistently he wants to focus on his career and wait until he's ready to get married, potentially in his 30s. His

girlfriend has consistently pressured him, saying she cannot risk being single in her late 20s or early 30s and trying to find someone else all over again. My friend is not ready for engagement, but when confiding in me, he tries to see it from her side and thinks maybe he should compromise on his engagement timing by a couple years. She currently has given him an ultimatum that it needs to happen by next year. I've tried having a few talks and raising these red flags, but he sort of justifies or rebuffs them. I'm trying not to be too aggressive and ruin our friendship over this. How can I prevent my friend from making a lifelong mistake? Luke. Hi, Luke. Hi, Luke. Hello. Hi, hi. Ana Farris is with us today, along with Catherine, my co-host.

How's it going? Man, great. I am really excited to talk with you. That was a letter. You care about your friend. I really do. I'm not sure what to do. I'm turning to you guys. First of all, I want to say congratulations on being the first straight white. Well, you're not white, are you? You're the first straight man to call into this podcast. That is a feat that you must be very, very secure in your masculinity and manhood. So mazel tov to that. Yes. Well, I feel like my whole family grew up watching Chelsea lately. So big fan.

Yay. Awesome. Ana, do you want to start? You seem like an eager beaver. Well, so when all the detailed information, she truly does sound atrocious for sure. But all the detailed information, how did you get that? Does your friend tell you? How does these conversations work? Yeah, it's, it's a mix of me spending time with her and then him sharing with me a little bit because he clearly sees some concerns. And so I've tried to talk with him about it. So a mix of both of those things. So when you hang out, like what percentage of the time is he like, man, I don't know what to do about this thing. Does that dominate like 30% of the conversation?

40%? No, I would honestly say it's like only a handful of conversations I've had with him about it. Like I've tried to be careful of not always bringing it up to him. If he brings it up, I'm happy to talk with him. I brought it up maybe on my own one or two times, but it's not like a frequent conversation we've had. Are you close? Is he close with his family? Yes. Very close with his parents. And I've actually asked what it was parents think of these things, but he hasn't really opened up to them about these things and does he open up to others they don't like her yeah maybe but do you guys have a group of friends are there another couple of guys that also feel the same way or is it just you i'm definitely closest to him so i don't think he's opened up

in the same way to those other friends really only to me uh-huh but i don't want to necessarily go around and like spread all of his like personal stuff unless he's willing to do that's what a girl would do so don't do that because that's yeah that's how females behave we're like you also hate her the thing is it's like listen you can have one really like serious conversation with him out of love and for your friendship and for your caring and you can say you could put it all out on the table in a way that's thoughtful and sweet but you don't want to lose your friendship you said that all you could do is say it once out of love he's probably not going to listen to you but you never know and at least then you have a clear conscience but don't go just it's got to be

out of the love for him, not the hatred for her. You know what I mean? These are the things that I'm seeing. I know what kind of guy you are and she doesn't represent to me what you're looking for. Like calling her a gold digger isn't going to be helpful, but you can put that in other language that seems a little bit more just that you've noticed. And just by noticing is a demonstration of your friendship by paying attention. You know, I think girls and guys react to these kinds of conversations in a different way. And I think men are definitely less emotional and they might receive it a lot differently than a woman might receive it. Don't you guys think? Yeah. Like just leveling with him and then not bringing it up again. Like

you said it, I'm just going to say it once. I support you, whatever you do, I'm always going to be your friend. This is what I see. And I just had to tell you, cause I know you would do the same for me. So I think here's the tough thing. I think I've kind of had those conversations with him and he always just like plays it off or rebuffs it. And so I've had two or three of those conversations where I've been very careful not to be too strong. So do I just lay off at this point and say it is what it is or go more strong into it? I have a question about the timing is, do you feel like a proposal is imminent? Yes. I feel like it could happen like in the next couple of months. Okay. So he does, he has very strong feelings for her. Is

this his first girlfriend uh yeah first real serious one he may I think he had one in high school but I mean that's high school yeah I totally agree with Chelsea and Catherine but the problem is he's vulnerable this is his first thing this is his first relationship and he's going to need you in his life but there is a risk potential of those details especially sticking in his head. It's like when you can paint the entire picture, those things get seared into his head. So if you back up your hesitancy about this woman with actual specifics, there's a risk of you guys not being friends. He will remember these things. He'll associate you with that kind imagery you know what I mean so I wonder if the approach is if you open with like hey you know

maybe you guys can grab a beer or something something along the lines of like hey man how happy are you because you're a great guy and I don't want you to have to go through like the financial pain of a divorce if in three years you're pretty miserable I just I want to check in with how how you are as opposed to getting into her a bit which will immediately put his guard up what do you think about that yeah i think that makes sense i think when i bring up things about her he definitely first instinct he gets defensive like what can you give us an example give us an example of a time you brought something up so the the gold digging part i didn't i didn't call her gold digger anything like that but i i brought up there were a few situations in like group

settings where she made those comments about marrying someone rich or like praising others for doing the same and it didn't seem like a joke but so i brought that up to him and his first reaction was well all girls say that like it's not that serious it's like those common it's not a big deal type of thing does she believe that she's more attractive than he is i don't i don't know i don't think so okay okay that's a good question is that something you're curious about Ana, is that something you're curious about in your own life? I like thinking about the power balance in this relationship of Luke's friends. Like, how does she view herself?

How does he view himself? And thinking about the imbalance there. If someone feels like they have more power, like I could do better. That's a hard idea, you know? I mean, she definitely wears the pants in the relationship. I'll say that and he makes more money He does. Yes, I can see where you're concerned. Yeah, I think also What was his reaction when you said that like back to when I said, what did you when you brought it up to him? And he said, okay

What was his reaction when you said he gets defensive? It's almost like he's brainwashed in a way like the jealousy part. He kind of acknowledged. Yeah, okay Maybe it's strange, but then he turns around and be like well like I don't really need female friends like I don't I don't care that much or like he asked me like does your girlfriend let you hang out with girls one-on-one or talk to girls and then the engaged stuff one end will be like yeah I don't know if I'm ready but like I don't know it's unfair to her if I keep her waiting like I think I should just compromise and do it like it's always like back to like she's right justifying it yeah I think that you probably have already said what

you're gonna say and it doesn't seem like he's in a place of like he's going to be able to receive anything you're saying anyway and unfortunately this is just a part of life watching friends do things like this marry people you're not that into and while it's a huge bummer there's really nothing you could do about it he's not your kid he's not going to listen to you you know if he's in this state of mind he's in love with her he's about to propose it would really take something big for him to get off track so I think you're just time is just better I think you've probably made yourself clear like if he's defensive when you've brought it up then he knows what you're doing are you close with his parents like friendly i wouldn't say super super close

you guys aren't like like i wouldn't like pull pull them aside okay i'm concerned type of thing i would ask like are you happy most of the time with her because from what i hear it only intensifies one way or the other when you're when you're actually married or because even if he won't know how he probably won't know how to answer it but at least he'll think about it You know, he'll think about like, fuck, man, she makes me miserable. I am bummed out most of the time or trying to do damage control most of the time, or at least maybe he'll it'll start to roll around in his head. Yeah. Leading him into this self-examination may be a better way to go. My sister-in-law, who I love, is a little bit of a judgy person. She's also usually right, so it's okay. But when she doesn't think someone's making the right decisions, she will ask them a series of questions to help them reexamine the choices that they're making. So, like, for your friend, it might be something like, well, how do you feel about, you know, maybe compromising some of your financial and career goals in order to get married a little bit earlier? And just bringing up those things in the context of a question, like Ana said, might be a little bit of a softer delivery and help him keep percolating on them after.

And probably the engagement will be awful. there's gonna be like there's nothing like an engagement for people to just spin out yeah so maybe there's hope there yeah it just it like it it hurts me like it's one of my best friends like i want to be so happy for him if he gets age so i i i get what you're saying chelsea like at a certain point you just have to yeah again he's not my kid he's not in my family like yeah which is the best form yeah Yeah, you have to, but I mean, you could try what, you know, what these girls are suggesting, which it might be a good different strategy and see if that gets you anywhere. But I wouldn't

double down on what you've already said, because you want to make sure you're happy. You want to make sure you're making the right decision, but you know, I would want, I'd want you to check in with me. Are you married, Luke? No, I'm not. Okay. Like if you were going to do the same thing, I'd want you to check in with me and just make sure that this is a big, big decision. I want to make sure you're in the best possible spot and that you're making the right decision based on what you want and your needs, not somebody else's. Yeah, I think that makes sense. I think it's a good non-threatening way to bring it up again. Okay, cool. Well, let us know how that goes. Yeah, Luke. You're a good friend. Yeah, you are a good friend, Luke. That's nice. I appreciate

it. Yeah, it's really nice. You're a good friend. You can tell how much you love him. It's nice. I appreciate it. All right. Okay, well, good luck with everything. Take care. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Who won? I feel like I did. I think you did. While you were giving your advice, I was like, this is not a good idea. Because you're saying exactly what I'm trying to say, but in a different way. But then as I digested it, I think you did give him better advice. So you won, Eleanor.

No, no, no. And I just piggybacked. Yeah, you just found an easy way and just picked a side. And she picked your side. That's how you won. Yeah. Chelsea, I miss you. And Catherine, I miss you too.

I miss you too. I know, Chelsea. I would love to, like, someday when the kids are gone. When we're at an old age home living in Mulholland Hills together, we can have a coffee or a cocktail. Coffee? I don't even drink coffee. I would love that. We'll have a cocktail then. You can hit me up anytime, Anna.

I'm right in the neighborhood. Well, where do you live? What neighborhood? Pacific Palisades. Oh, yeah. That's why, like, of course I don't fit in here. Who does? That's not even a real place.

It's like, it's just like white picket fences, white, everything's like a makeshift mall. that mall up there. You're like, what kind of happy camper land is this? It's like the Truman Show. We are going to take a quick break so you can hear an ad and then we'll be right back. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files.

I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can

hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B.

I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it.

It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration

and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts.

You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So this call is coming from Anne. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm 29 years old and work at a startup. I've been with the company for six years and I'm the longest tenured woman there. I also happen to be their highest revenue-producing team member. Not to brag, but kinda to brag. My boyfriend of four-plus years also works there for almost as long as I have. Last week, our CEO invited my boyfriend to an NBA game because our investors gave him box seats.

He then proceeded to invite multiple other employees, but not me. He even invited a few people who no longer work for the company. I felt so excluded and left out. I also felt mad at my partner for not sticking up for me. At the end of the game, our CEO apologized to my partner for not inviting me. This isn't an isolated incident. Our CEO has routinely devalued me while uplifting and investing in my male partner. Despite the fact that I'm continually out-earning all the other men at our company, I'm so frequently ignored and under-invested in.

And I think it's because I'm a woman. Am I being too sensitive or is it time to look for a new job? Anne. Hi, Anne. Hi, Anne. How are you? Hi, this is Anna Faris. And then this is Catherine, my co-host.

It's so nice to meet you guys. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, you're so welcome. No, it's because you're a woman. I mean, this is the story of the century. Everyone tells the story. And yeah, what did your partner say when he apologized for not inviting you?

He recommended to like reach out to me. But when he came home, I had been crying for hours. because like when you feel left out like they're not even like get a text like it's weird you're not here see you soon because we live together also should mention that so i had to leave our shared home to go to this thing and then kind of ignored it for a while very non-confrontational very different communication style so he got there eventually but it did take multiple days of me explaining why it hurt so much the layers of it all the they chose you and actively ignored me despite totally it can't not feel very personal like this you can't ignore that it's like this

feels very much about me why yeah and it was just like why do all these men sit around thinking like isn't it weird that like he came like we've been dating for five years all of which have happened at this company well and another thing came up when we were doing our pre-interview mention about the the christmas gift oh yeah this is so small i didn't even realize it until months later they give us these christmas gifts classic like start everything they gave out gift baskets we got one gift basket to share yeah that's gross too yeah i didn't even think about it have you addressed this yet at all with your boss i have a little what's really nice is like my direct manager is also one of my best friends. It's a very funny company. Like when you work at

a startup, you become super close with everyone. So she's like one of my best friends. I did end up like sobbing on the phone to her the Monday after. And she kind of like immediately ran it up a flagpole and kind of sent up an alert of she might leave. Like she's so upset, very validly. She might quit the company. So I got like the most awkward five minute, minute phone call apology. Yeah, it was bad. It was like a not to make excuses, but. So what was the excuse? The event got away from him.

Like he only had a few tickets, only invited a few people, then saw more people were around and was like, oh crap, let me find more tickets. And then it just, he kept inviting other people without realizing like, oh, I should have stopped, gone back over here, which I get a lot of it sort of stemmed down to, it wasn't intentional. It was a total blunder. he felt super embarrassed and bad but like all these things were happening like my son has pink eye my dad has cancer I'm so sorry but it was just like it all boiled down to like it was

unintentional and you should forget it and there was no like nothing done to sort of correct that mistake like no extra gift basket no extra tickets I I get a month I'll have like lunch with him like once a month yeah do you like your job I do I built it I was this like 10th person they hired. And now we're at like 150. So of course this stings even harder. Yeah. It's super personal. And like my boyfriend is the golden boy. Oh, and you like your job and you're emotionally invested. That's it. So how do we, how do we get you, how do we get you feeling good, appreciated and special and acknowledged. How do we do that, guys?

Well, I think it's very important for you to point out that if they're going to treat you as one person when they're handing out Christmas gifts, they should treat you as one person when they're handing out invitations, you know? So I think you can be a little bit more assertive on the back end of that phone call and say, just so you're clear,

this is how I see it from moving on forward. Like I expect to be invited to these events. I was at the 10th person hired to work at this company and I feel ownership in what we've created. I have a piece of that. I was a part of that. Don't underestimate your value in this situation because women have a history of doing that.

And don't say, I just want this. It's, I want this, you know? And don't diminish your role in what you've created there. Remind him of how integral you are in this company and how valuable you are. And based on that value and based on your seniority, here's a list of things that you expect to happen. When there are invitations that go out,

please do not invite my boyfriend without inviting me, okay? And please do not send us one gift like we are one person. We are two people. Did your boyfriend start working there before or after you? Like two and a half months after. Oh, man. It's the whole package. But the only thing you can do as a woman is to be assertive.

You know what I mean? Without being a cunt, be assertive and just say, I'm just here to remind you of all these things. Please keep this in your consciousness when you're making your next round of invites to whatever event that may be. I can't wait to experience that with you so that we don't ever have to deal

with this kind of conversation again. Yeah, it's, no, you're completely right. It's, when I was screaming about this to my family, they all stopped and were like, do you think that they're maybe like intimidated by you? Because I'm not quiet. I am like very direct. Yeah, and men don't like that.

They don't like that. They don't. So they probably don't want you there for that reason, but you're gonna tell them that that is, sorry, that's part of the package. We're not living in 20 fucking 10 anymore. I have to be included. I'm a founding member of this organization. What are you talking about? And along with what Chelsea's saying, I would list the reasons why you love working there,

what you believe from the beginning and be, you know what I mean? Listen to me, be positive. I'm like from 1952. I mean, you have to trick them if they're going to change anything. No, that's true. You do. It's like you have to flip the wool over their eyes and be like, come with me, you fucking idiot. I mean, honestly, because that's probably what it is. It's like, oh, you're she's too much or she's got a big personality. We don't need her there. Sorry. That's the workplace. You have to deal with all the people that you work with because that's what adults do. I'm sorry if I'm not your perfect cup of tea. You're not mine either, but I'm going to be at this event. And that's why you're so good at your job. That's why you're like crushing all

the goals and blowing everybody else out of the water. And the other thing, too, is, you know, you can phrase it. I like this, like being really direct about it. And you can phrase it like, I'm trying to help you be better because I know like when it's a startup, it's a little messy. Everybody's kind of like figuring things out as they go along. But like there are probably other women at the company who are feeling similarly undervalued. And you can express it that way. Like I'm trying to help you do better because some of this could be seen as overt sexism. So like let's fix these things as the company grows so that by the time it's really, really big, you're not getting sued by a bunch of your employees.

that's one of the biggest issues too is that a lot of the team they look to me because i was like the first i'm the longest tenured woman at the whole company and so there is a sense of like they outwardly appreciate what i do because i bring in like 20 of the revenue right it's one person just fucking cool and i'm really proud of that yeah but like it that's what like tripled my anger of being like if they're if i'm getting treated like this in what world does absolutely anyone else have any ability to be valued and appreciated appropriately and not just have been like good job yeah you're good and you're cute and shut up how aware is the ceo of this he's aware now like i was very brutally like this sucked i was so upset and really hurt and i don't think i

deserved it and like he intellectually got it and i know that there are other steps being taken but it's just one of those things where it's like i really don't think it's actually gone yet and it really was salient to have to explain to so many men like the textbook definition or and definition of sexism is you did something to me you apologized to my boyfriend and you didn't apologize to me yeah and just expected it to get there as though that is in any way shape or form okay and when i finally told my boyfriend like he didn't do anything he has my phone number he could text me he was like oh okay and i said that's sexist he was like no that was too far and i had to be like i you have to accept my definition but you did have a conversation with

him after the fact yeah oh yeah it was like uh it escalated pretty quickly to me being like i will call five women of our company yeah i will ask them if they agree do you want me to yeah he said no and he accepted so and nothing's changed slightly no that well there hasn't been an event since though, right? Yeah. Honestly, like you can wait for that letter until something happens and then it's going to be a different letter or you could preemptively send it and go, this is what I expect moving forward. And if they fail that, then yeah, you do have to look for a new job if this is that important to you. I will throw him a bone and say that when the Alito opinion dropped, we are enough like progressive, small enough company that like we were all pretty open about

how upset I was. See, it was totally radio silent. I had to call him and then he answered and I'd be like, you have to say something to our team about this. And within like 10 minutes, he'd created a video. He had like built something, sent something out. So like he did listen to me. It was like one really positive change of him being like, Oh, that's something. Yeah. Okay. Well, good. I think you know what you're doing. You're going to be just fine. Maybe he's a little scared right now, but as, as time goes on, he'll slowly start to become more good for you. Yeah. You could be the change for him to be the resource. Yeah. Yeah. I do a lot of emotional labor. Yeah. Don't we all, I think at the time comes to, to send an email, I think I would say,

I love my job. I love my job. And this is why, and I am an incredibly valuable team member in that way when it's in writing I know you've already said this to him but if it's in writing like that's strong but passionate and complimentary and but demanding maybe that's a better way for him to digest things instead of I don't know it was a face-to-face uh that was a phone call okay it's like we're I can go into the office I mostly work remote because I'm literally just like on zooms all day with clients you probably like intimidate him i know i do i've had a lot of people tell me that take that into account you know when you're writing that letter take that into account yeah so that uh you know if he's gonna be a big pussy about it you want to

make sure that you treat him like a pussy does it cause strain between you and your boyfriend it has less so now i think like my the intensity of my reaction to what happened he was super not prepared for because it did like fully melt down into like a oh i'm gonna start looking for another job to which he was like honestly fair that was bullshit you were treated poorly like he did objectively know like i i do get that that was so not cool and it was unfair i think that's good i think you're already on the right track i think he's getting this the picture i think you're all set you made your point and let's see what happens now moving forward and if you want a new job and i'll hire you to do something that would be very cool i'd love to work if it helps because you are

really impressive we would compliment each other because i'm a little more lamb like that's okay it's completely fine i'm very aggressive i'll i'll go after it for you okay it's our farmers market knitting circle and yeah sister sisterhood of the traveling caslapai um and keep us posted and let us know how it goes i will thank you guys so much i really appreciate it i love both of your shows oh thank you thank you guys thanks ann wow isn't she a powerhouse she's great yeah she's gonna be just fine she oh my god yeah really i thought she was wonderful but what a doozy of a problem my god chelsea i loved what you said oh good good well great let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with chelsea and donna

there's no shortcut for saving time but saving money is simple just combine your car and home insurance with bel-air direct and save get a quote at bel-air direct.com when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted

stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them There's stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives,

and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island to deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite BookTok creators

to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle, I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be

a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you.

You have something in your guts, you go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now-husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do we have now?

Ana's going to ask advice to me. We do. Oh, yes. Ana, do you have any advice you want to ask me for? I love this part. Chelsea, as you know, I quarantined hard, right? Like, nobody quarantined harder than I. So, I now...

Is that code for something? I just, like, hermited. Okay. Like, I didn't see any, you know. Anyway. But I've always had a tendency to hoard. however my shower looks like a sorority house shower there's so many products and my closet is like like i've i've really i've adopted a wartime mentality essentially like

i'll never be able to procure these items again during quarantine i bought 10 pounds of velveta a cheese that i rarely use yeah so you're trying to stop hoarding right yeah i'm trying to stop hoarding you have to get you just have to get one of those closet organizers to come over your house and just release and let them fucking figure it out for you clean it out for you so that you're not watching you're not sitting there there's nothing in any of those places that you mentioned that are going to have a life or death impact on you let somebody come in and organize your life for you and just do whatever you have to do to allow that to happen because your life will be you will begin anew and you are going to feel good about it not bad i promise you i believe you

i do yeah there's all those girls on instagram everyone's always posting about closet organizing that it's not hard to find just find somebody and let it go just clear out the energy clear out the all the shit and just say you do whatever you think and let me know when it's done because it feels very psychological at this point kelsey do you have a favorite face lotion that you feel loyal to. Yes. Liz Earle. I like the serum and then the lotion or the face cream. I put it on in the morning and at night. So do you have oily or dry skin? A combo. Like I still break out on my chin a bit. Okay. So then you wouldn't want the serum. You just want the face cream, but it's a, it's a British company. It's called Liz Earle and it's the best thing I've ever used. It keeps my

skin very, very dewy all the time. Okay. Yeah. You guys, thank you so much. I don't, did I say anything of interest no you did not you barely you barely said anything no you said some things of interest absolutely as we all did you were a great guest anna i totally appreciate having you on i love you i love spending time with you i love you too thank you and thank you guys so much this was awesome thank you anna anna anna anna it took me 10 years to say her name right and now i say anna i just said i fucking ruined it right at the end like truly if i see someone with a name tag that says Anna

yeah I will call that person Anna it is my this is my parents fault and I don't hold it against anybody and make sure you

tune in to Unqualified Anna's podcast thanks Chelsea bye honey thanks Catherine thanks bye guys

bye I survived nine months in captivity and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive

what should have destroyed them I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are

equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. week we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them

do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman adam scott danny mcbride ben stiller and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle i chose option b i'm julie pinero and i travel by myself because it's a rare space where i can say yes without asking anyone else first i'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. I'm Nick Totoro. You probably know me from NYPD Blue, The Longest Yard, or Spike Lee's Black Klansman. And on my new podcast, Delivering Happiness with Nick Totoro, I deliver pizza to a new guest. I've shared a slice with everyone, from Seth Rollins. What are you doing with my belt? to Bill Burr. I don't think I've ever met somebody so exactly out of their mind as I am. And now, we even have more great guests coming up, including the great John Turturro.

It's called happiness. Delivering happiness. And many, many more. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, and listen now. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.