Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Girls Are Funny Now with Sarah Silverman

Episode Date: August 22, 2019

Chelsea is joined live in San Francisco by Sarah Silverman where they hilariously discuss the time they saw the Harvard Men’s Choir, how they became friends, and working in comedy. Credits:Host: Chelsea HandlerGuest: Sarah SilvermanExecutive Producer: Conal Byrne Producers: Sophie Lichterman, Jack O’Brien Writers: Jamie Loftus, Anna Hossnieh & Sophie Lichterman  Consulting Producers: Nick Stumpf, Miles Gray, & Anna HossniehEngineer: Billy KleinThis episode wasMixed & Edited by: Danl Goodman Music by: KingsburyOrder: "Life Will Be the Death of Me"Available in stores and online now Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the Death of Me, a production of iHeartRadio. Oh, good afternoon. Hello, Brandon.

Hello, Chelsea. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you? I'm well, thank you. Do we have any updates? We've had a lot of updates, actually. I got some new rugs installed this week.

People just need to check out your Instagram, at Chelsea Handler, to keep up with everything going on in your life, because there's a lot happening at the house. And I'm home. I've been in LA for a while, and that, I know, irks you, because you're ready for me to go away. And luckily, I have a trip coming up this weekend. Isn't that right? I do like when you're on the road.

This weekend, I had some friends over for Mushroom Friday. We went swimming in my pool. We ordered food for ourselves. We ordered Postmates pizza. We were there. I didn't hear from you for two days, which can be concerning. Right. But I also try and remember no news is good news.

Right. But I cleaned up after everybody left. Some people stayed. I was in bed by midnight. Everyone came over around six-ish after we had our Burt scare. we're gonna have to get that dog uh tracking collar because he got one for me too he got loose oh i'm gonna we were so scared we lost bert and we had workers at my house delivering the rugs we couldn't find him we couldn't find him we raced around the neighborhood my bell was screaming

bird bird bird so many times it was overkill and then finally brandon found him wedged between the property gate of our neighbors and some cement block poor Bert yeah and and he dislikes me so much that he wedged himself further through just to escape yeah to get away from you yeah he did and then yeah so right into mama's arms we right he went right into my bell's arms but we screamed and we screamed and guess who didn't bark once to let us know that he was hearing our screams Burt because he's an idiot. So this week's show is Sarah Silverman and me

in San Francisco. We talk about a Harvard singing acapella group a little bit. We talk about stand-up and my realization that I should probably start doing it again, which I now am doing it again. And we talk about female comics because girls aren't funny

and that just has to keep being spoken about. Well, girls are funny now, so everybody needs to deal with it. I'm going to bring out one of my very favorite people in the whole wide world. And I know you're going to be very, very, very happy to see her. So please show your appreciation as I welcome my very dear friend, Sarah Silverman. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Chelsea.

Hi. hi Sarah thanks y'all we've been stoned together on a number of occasions the most recent one was a very odd night we have I have a friend named Alec and he went to Harvard and there was an acapella group what is it the Harvard singing group do you remember what they're called no I know that the Yale ones are the whiff and poofs right and they're the Harvard version of that so it's like basically 20 year old boys singing and when he said he was seeing a bunch of guys that went to Harvard I was like oh Sarah we're single there's Harvard guys there and she's like that sounds

awful and I said let's broaden our horizons it could be cute we'll be together it'll be fine and it was at some like store in Beverly Hills that sold perfume and men's clothing or something so the lighting, it was tricky so I go to her house, we smoke a joint we go and meet up with my friend and all of a sudden there's just enough people to be awkward for us to leave yeah, there were like 17 people

so we couldn't just be like, let's go and then, also it was like cocktails at first and then all of a sudden the show started and where we happened to be standing became the front row because it was like, so there was no escape no, it was the front row

and it was bright lights so the people who were singing were staring straight at Sarah and me probably wondering why are these two girls here we felt like child molesters I was like we have to get out of here and then the singing's beautiful right? I mean if you're into

that sort of thing. I like tight harmonies. I'm a sucker for a nice tight harmony and all of a sudden she's standing next to me and she goes, I go what are you doing? Why are you getting on your knees? What are you doing right now? And she's like, we're going to watch them sing like this.

And I'm standing next to her. So I get on my knees. Chelsea goes. But I'm just so, this is what, can I explain to you? When I get high, I love weed. And I don't necessarily get paranoid. But the one paranoid element is that when I'm high, I feel convinced that I'm taking up too much space.

and so I felt like no one could see behind like no one behind me could see over my giant presence so I try to just make myself very small and then what I realized as soon as I got down was that it put you in a very precarious position to be so then you got down and by this point my knees hurt so much and then I get down and she goes I gotta get back up you know I just my knees hurt so much and then I you know so we made a scene by desperately trying to be inconspicuous anyway that was our most recent outing and then also how we met we met an interesting story is it

sure yeah I'm sure I mean I'm sure it is I don't remember oh I remember at the Haiti fundraiser right yes I do we were both in the industry in the same business for so many years because you never crossed paths never once really and I just assumed you didn't like me because I always assume people don't like me you know I just I go with that and that way no one's fucking disappointed you know like I remember and then we would see each other at functions and I was too shy Then finally at this thing, I just made myself go up to you. Yeah, you did. You came up and you're like, hey, Chelsea, we should be friends.

I said, what? It's crazy. We don't know each other. That's so weird. Comics always know each other. Yeah, it was one of those moments where you have this protective guard, which I definitely had for so many years, where I was like, I don't need anybody to like me. I'm just going to do my thing.

And you have this protective thing. And then you were successful before I was. I was in the comedy clubs, and I saw you, and you were somebody who was, you know, a big star. I'm a bit older. So when you said that, it's just such a great example of to be fucking nicer to everybody. We should all be reaching out and saying,

hey, do you want to be friends? You know? And since then, we're great friends. It's just such a good reminder, especially girls. Like, we need each other. Reach out to each other. Show up and be like, especially friends that you don't normally have, you know?

As a matter of fact, then we did a photo shoot together, and she said she went like this to my bra she goes what is that i have the same bra i you know and then she goes i wear the same bra but mine's not filthy and um i said well i have one that's like caucasian nude and one that's black and but the one that's black wasn't naturally black it's just dirty but we wear the exact same kind of like support bra and we're the exact same size boob and by the end of that shoot i like somebody just went oh with that piece of information oh yeah comes her assistant with a bag of 40 of these and

every bra I wear of now I have several were given to me by Chelsea Handler Chelsea she tries to hide it but she is a caregiver

beyond anything else and you know I was trying to when I wrote caregiver and then I go is it caretaker do caregiver and caretaker mean that is it like getting the check but it's like a bill all right okay we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything.

every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much,

you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. I'm deciding whether to like go a little deep or go or start. Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't asking you. Sorry.

um because i loved your book and i learned so much about you and that changed the way i think and i love when something changes me and um i just loved every part of it and i think it's so special and can really not just let people learn your story i mean talk about like there isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story you can even love Chelsea Handler once you've heard this story but um one thing that I thought was interesting is that your brother died on an adventure and that you are so adventurous you're the most adventurous person I know and I wonder if that has anything to do with that in some weird way yeah yeah that's a great question Sarah I know I'm sorry it's not

no it is I've never thought about that you know I once went skydiving when I was 19 years old I remember I came out to California I was like yeah this seems like a good place for me to relocate and I went skydiving and I had all these pictures and I had hid them from my father because we weren't allowed to do stuff I mean we could do whatever we wanted obviously but he you know because of my brother's accident it was height it was you know I and I remember coming home one day my dad had the pictures scattered all across the kitchen island of me skydiving and his face was just like you know like he had been in a fight and he was like how dare you jump out of a plane after your brother fell off of a cliff and I was like it's time for me to go to LA like but you

know the pain was so raw for all of us it's almost like we had to get away from each other in order to heal because it was so raw and it was so painful to go home and be ignored over and over again and be desperate for attention that you had your whole life. And it totally explains my career and wanting to be, you know, I wanted attention, attention, attention. I thought what I wanted was a connection. You know, you get confused and you love the accolades and you love people. I just wanted somebody to ask me where I'd been all day, you know? That takes me to the Enneagram. What you talk about in the book is just being in motion and not being able to sit still. And then you took this, did I say it right? Enneagram. Yeah. So it's like this personality test that

my doctor gave me. At first I was like, is this astrology adjacent? And he's like, no. And he basically came up, there are all these numbers that describe different personality types. And I'm a number eight, which is a fixer, which is somebody who goes in, fixes everybody else's problems, but never takes a look at themselves, which is exactly what I do. You know, I'll fix anybody's problem. I'll sit on your bed morning, noon, and night, and I will have as much sympathy as you need. And I will be the best friend and fixer. I'll throw money at any problem. I'll show up. I'll fly to Germany if I have to. I will be there for anyone. But as far as empathy goes, you know, I was lacking that. I was lacking empathy. The difference between sympathy and

empathy is feeling sorry for somebody and actually thinking what it's like to be that person in that period. And he was like, you lack empathy. That's why you've had these issues. And so that was a big aha moment. And the number eight, which is the number I am in Enneagram. Do you know what number you are, Sarah? No, I don't. But I just think it's interesting because you shared number eight with who else? Donald Trump. And some other really big assholes. But luckily through my meditation because Donald Trump's obviously not doing that. You can become self-actualized no matter what number you are. There are people who are not self-aware, who are not present, who are not conscious, which is what I was doing for 10 years. And to be able to go from that

to looking inward and realizing everything that you realized is so incredible. But it is interesting to look at your early life, where you came from and how you became this wildly successful kind of like how donald trump became wildly successful filling an unfillable hole and constantly staying in motion and it's you know he's never gonna look inward because uh i think if he saw really looked at himself he'd probably kill himself but um you just talked about how you didn't have empathy, but I beg to differ because when your mom was in hospice, you gave her the greatest gift you could give her, which was pulling cots in and being with your siblings and laughing and talking. And you say earlier in your book, and I'm wondering if you made this

connection, and I guess it's not a question, it's just me pontificating about how smart I am from reading your book that I think that is empathy you gave her her greatest joy which you say early in the book was to be peripheral to like what's going on to not contribute she didn't want to talk but she wanted to just be around the conversation and the happenings and you gave her that that wasn't a question but I'm just saying it was a statement it's funny because you talk about completely falling out of love with stand-up but is that really well by doing that and taking the time and being on this tour and going around to these cities I was like okay I do want to do stand-up again you know so I am going to do it again

and for years I was like never again never again because I lost my joy you know I just was moving too fast you know there are too many huge moments I missed but the answer to your question is yes I needed to rediscover my love for stand-up and it had to be my own idea yeah yeah and uh oh right saying no right if someone told you 10 years ago that in 10 years you'd be promoting a book about politics and therapy what would you have told them listen I don't know this bitch either anything is possible I mean are you aren't you surprised or are you maybe you're the opposite of me because we are opposites in so many ways are you surprised by the changes that you take in your career and the different things that you do I mean does it feel natural is it intentional do you plan on it

or is it I've never planned anything and I never have thought of the future or like anything I so I that's how I feel I don't like to plan for the future I just I'm like well let's see which way the wind blows you know maybe I want to do that I don't plan I think it's more there's a different kind of energy about it you got to get hopped up about something and then you get really passionate about it yeah for like two days and then you're like oh no I'm not into that anymore no sometimes I do somebody asked me yesterday they're like are you like we're having a silent retreat I'm like No fucking silent retreats, okay? I'm not there yet.

I'm not on the other side of things. I'm like, I'm still normal. I don't want to be silent for three days in the woods. We're not so different. Like, I remember we all got awards or certificates for soccer in high school, and everyone got positive things, and then they gave me least popular on the van. But it was because I made everyone's life hell

when they were, like, trying to sleep and everything. So specific. Least popular on the van. I have to say I loved it because it was so funny. It was very creative and very true. You know, it's an interesting thing, and it's kind of what you brought up just now asking me, but the one time I had, like, an identity crisis with comedy

was the first time I had my first special, because your first special is kind of like the accumulation of everything you've done so far and the best of it. And then that did well, and then I didn't know who I was because I couldn't do the same material anymore so I had to write new material but I wanted to please the audience and give them what they're expecting which is to be surprised and then how can you do that and then I was so paralyzed until I realized comedy dies in the second guessing and you just have to start over and bomb and eat shit and lose fans and get new fans

hopefully and just stay with reflecting who you are and hopefully who you are is always changing and growing so how have your fans reacted have you felt a difference in your change and a change in them yeah I mean I'm sure some people are probably like oh fuck she's got off the deep end and some people know you know this was an opportunity to share something good I've spent my career oversharing and been rewarded for bad behavior my entire career no honestly I mean drinking and I wrote a book about sleeping around everyone's like yeah this is great you know and I'm glad I did it but you know I didn't realize how easy it had been for me how easy my life had been how easy it is to be white and pretty and succeed and yeah you can claim you have talent

anyone can have talent and there are plenty of untalented people who are very famous and plenty of talented people who aren't so it's really not about that another great thing from what happened was the election was it made me get out of my own ass it made me look around and say wait racism what is the fucking deal here I'm an idiot I'm a wiper I don't know shit about racism you know I'm part of the problem by not being educated about the problem you know I am complicit unless I you know I do something and so it made me really recalibrate the work I want to do and the way I want to contribute and to be aware of everybody that is outside of my lane and that other people's experiences are unlike my own and to get to know those experiences so we can make

change and we can stick our necks out for people that need us to support them and use our platforms for powerful shit. Okay, well, this sounds like a good time to take a break. Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on Internet with a two-year term and auto-pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. see you between the pages

who do you look up to in comedy and is there anyone in particular who's made you feel better about getting more personal I mean let's just keep this from getting uncomfortable not including me I never really wanted to be a comedian I didn't know that's what I wanted

again it was about initially and I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing I'm supposed to be communicating I'm supposed to always just tell the story about what's going on with me because what is going on with me, you know, I wrote this book. I thought I was telling my story. You're telling so many people's stories. We're all, all of us, you know, you can't get through the human experience without having

trauma, without having grief, without having loss. It's just a matter of whether or not you've dealt with it. And a lot of us have, and a lot of us haven't, and some may never. And that's all right too, but it's, it's about wanting to move forward in your life and take leaps and, you know, and be grounded. For me, when people talk about spirituality, I was always like, oh, you know, stones and chakras and massages and healing and whatever. But for me, it's about being grounded.

It's about being awake and like, you know, being engaged with every fucking person you make eye contact with every single day. And I had lost my way a little bit with that. You know, I was just like taking everything for granted and, you know, not looking people in the eye and being rushed and everything. And so for that part to sit still, to get grounded and to be like, okay, this is it. every interaction is about all of us. It's not just about me and my fucking paycheck. It's about us. And that was a wake-up call for me. You know, I think a lot of us feed ourselves and our families

and we want to take care of our kids. Who wouldn't? You want to take care of your family and you want to take care of yourself. And we lose our way with that because we're supposed to all be taking care of each other. And we now know it's a big fucking problem. So, you know, the world's getting browner and gayer so you just gotta hop on the fucking bus oh shit um so the world around you when me too happened and everything how did that affect you what what kind of awareness did you have that that was a reality in the world none i had no awareness i did not know that i mean i knew people we were sexually assaulted but i had never been sexually assaulted my friend mary claims that I have and I haven't remembered but I don't recall that she's like everyone's been Chelsea

she's like of course you've been raped you were just probably drunk I'm like I don't think I was raped and then I'm like okay but um I was really alarmed I did not know that it was that rampant I thought Harvey Weinstein slept with actresses I didn't know that he was raping actresses you know what did you think were you surprised uh no not really yeah the first penis I ever saw I mean I had you know it's funny because the first penis I ever saw was my boss when I was a waitress in New Hampshire called me in and and I was so nervous I thought I was in trouble and then he was just like you having a good time here you know just asking like dumb questions and I'm 18 And I had never, you know, seen a penis at that point, except for like my dad's when I was three by accident.

But Adam Carolla has an excellent observation that everyone thinks their dad has a huge penis because they always see it when they're three by accident. But so true. That's about the right age. You do see it when you're three. I saw it again at six. And then that was the last. but so this guy was just asking me like these just nothing questions and I didn't understand why and then I looked and he was openly like jerking off and then you know I just went I

have to clean the popcorn machine and I I was choked up and I was embarrassed and I didn't tell my parents and you know I didn't grow up like we grew up with no taboos we talked about everything. And it, so if that happened to me and I never told anyone and like internalized it and kind of blame myself, then I just thought, well, this must happen all the time. And, you know, it wasn't until I was much older that I was like, wow, you know, I wish those guys don't do that to us now. They know they're prey. They have an instinct of probably not consciously of like who they can do that to that won't say anything. You know, if he did it to me now, or even like four years later I would have been like oh my god Bobby just showed me his penis you know like just

like started jerking up you know what I mean I would have exposed it but there's it is interesting that they have a sixth sense a sixth six six six just like a sixth toe they have a sixth sense I guess it was another instance of me not being aware of the other stories that were going you You know what I mean? It's another kind of rarefied existence where I didn't fully grasp what was happening. I'm so disgusted, you know, and alarmed by it. And I'm also embarrassed for myself for not knowing more, not being more educated, not knowing that women are dealing with that on a regular basis and how rampant it was.

Well, when you started doing stand-up, I'm sorry, did you want to clap? Let me just stop that. All right. But how about the word problem, I love you, the word problematic. Comedy is not evergreen. So I know I have stuff in my life. Do you have stuff that you've done that you would look at now and say that's problematic? And how would you deal with that? How do you? Oh, I think now we are in a period of high red alert and overcorrection, but it's necessary because people abuse their power and there's no evolution and we can all change our jokes there's

still funny shit happening it's not like the only funny stuff is to make fun of people who are in marginalized communities there's other funny shit going on we can make fun of rich white guys now let's get that party started and isn't it funny how horrified they are how it's like oh god you I can't even be a white male. I was like, no, no, no, you can. It's just, hey, I have a sense of humor. You know, it's so, it's just so odd. Well, they say, I read somewhere that it was like,

equality feels like, equality feels like a loss because it feels like something's being taken away from you. So people, white guys, old white guys are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, the party's over? It's like, I can't fail upward anymore? What the fuck? Yeah, I can't just grab pussies when I need them? it's like no no that party is over

you find a new party even just like in the comedy world you know I think there are first of all I just want to say I have a lot of white male friends and I like white males but there are some you know writers and stuff who are like I can't even get a job

anymore and no yes you can you might have to be undeniable like the rest of us have had to be to succeed you know and that's a good thing I think they should be thrilled about that, but it's hard for them. This divide and conquer thing that the man has put on us and that we've believed for so many it's ingrained in us, it's systemic, you know, that like the success of one woman

must come at the failure of another. It's just, it's not true, you know. But when we bond together, we're going to do something the man fears very much will be a force, you know. I think you lead the way with that. you start your book talking about infantilizing yourself, that your success has made you into an infant, where you have several, had made you into an infant, where you have all these assistants, you don't know how to work a fucking single thing in your house, and it's interesting

too, now reading the rest of your book, hearing the rest of your story, and going, she didn't have the parenting she needed because of tragedy in your family and you had to become the caregiver caretaker late stage companion and then you become successful because you're filling this unfillable hall and you get power and you get assistance and you now know don't have to do for yourself and that makes you atrophied in a whole new way yeah it makes you atrophied and I remember, you know, I know that feeling of like, you know, my, when I started Chelsea Lately and I was, thank you. Thanks. And I remember walking to the stage, one of the first shows and the EP and my executive producer's walking. And then there's a guy on a walkie, the stage manager who was like,

she's walking, she's walking. And I was like, oh, this is good. I like this. You know, like everyone's paying attention to me now. Everyone has to know where I am. I have to be here at a certain time. I have to be in hair and makeup. It was like, I created a life where everything was done for me so that I had finally parents in my mind. Everyone on the show had to take care of me. And so I could be the boss and the baby at the same time. And for me, that feeling was like, I loved it, you know? And then eventually, of course, I got sick of it because that's not what I was looking for. And it's not that I don't like to do what I do. I do like to do it. But again, it was the connection that I was missing. You know, the attention, the attention, the attention gets

you nowhere fast unless you are connecting with other people while that attention is happening yeah because there's it's real but it's also not real it's their survival is you because you know they have to take care of you and so you start to feel like a mama bear and you're like oh and i'm a fixer i'm a number eight so that all lined up it was all making sense and you know for a few years it was great and it was wild and wonderful and then eventually i got bored because i will grow bored with anything when you are injured like that everything's a band-aid everything and it's not that you're trying to fix that but you're just trying to ignore it and move on to the other fun stuff you know and I had a lot of fun too so I always was like well I'm having a great time

there can't be anything wrong with this behavior I mean look how happy I am and it was nice to say all the things that you're kind of thinking about yourself but you're scared to tell anyone you know you're like hey I do some stuff that I'm kind of questioning I need to tell somebody about it but you can't tell anyone until we figure it out and so it was a great sort of awakening moment to learn about myself and have somebody insult me that was like I was paying you know telling me not insult me but somebody telling me negative things about my personality or my shortcomings that I was paying I was like this is a great exchange and trade of information you know it's not an opinion it's a professional so it felt right and it felt right to share

because this is great and then I was like oh fuck this is gonna be like my apology tour like am I gonna have to make amends like people go to AA and I was you know because I ended so many friendships or relationships because people did me wrong or they did something I found upsetting and I would just scorch earth and he said no that's your blueprint for a breakup that's how you think relationships end because that's how the first relationship ended and now that you know that you don't ever have to do it again and I never will but it's not an apology I mean listen you grow in your change and you've shared every step of it with people and even though you go I know you're not belittling your old books or your old work but you go oh it's just easy but

what you might not realize is like that gave so many women keys to their own freedom you know and uh something that felt easy for you and talk about what this guy said i mean you also while you were scorching earth were illuminating so many female voices i mean there are so many women comics i know from your show you know and that so many people are aware of from your show you championed you produced you know and it's you really have lived by example so This may be an apology chore, but people have a lot to be thankful for for you. Thank you.

I don't mean to be sucking your cock so hard. And I'm sorry you had to look at my back all night. That's so terrible. We have to wrap it up. We're almost out of time, but I wanted to just read something from my book before I go. All right. These bracelets are called I Decide bracelets,

and the T-shirts are outside all the proceeds. All the proceeds go to LGBTQIA youth. So pick one up, give it away, it's going to a good cause. And it's, I Decide is from a part of the book that I'm going to read to you guys. I didn't know then that my brother's death was defining me. I didn't know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person, Dan, who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine-year-old into a self-actualized adult

who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you're in pain, thereby beginning the process of relinquishing that pain. I was in a place where my brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It's part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, and it may have helped steer me in a certain direction, but it is not all of me. I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper, to think about other people's past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings, that is my growth edge. To know I'm going through

something and not try to keep circling around it, hoping to avoid it. Go through it. Sit, experiencing and feeling it not running to understand that things take time and to be okay sitting with my pain not to rush through life hopscotching over or around it no one is fully cooked no person is complete I decide to be better you can decide to thank you San Francisco and thank you Sarah Silverman that was a fun show because my sister and my niece were there how did that show differ having a comedian on stage with you it was so nice actually because sarah knows how to command an audience so it was nice to be up there with somebody who felt as comfortable as i did being in front of that many people and it felt like she was gonna take you

know when you're on stage with another person and it's your show you feel responsible for everybody with her up there i felt like you're sharing responsibility if she could keep up yes yes even though it wasn't her responsibility it felt like we were sharing responsibilities and I always, you know, how I feel about Sarah Silverman. I respect her a lot. I added new stand-up dates. I added some places I've never been before, but I added, so right now,

I start touring again on October 4th in Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland, New Zealand. And then on November 11th, I come to Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Vancouver, Milwaukee, Indianapolis, Kansas City, Salt Lake City, Go Mormons

Oklahoma City I've never performed there but Karen's from there and Toronto I'm coming I added more dates I have 14 new stand-up dates everybody

so come and see me my book is called Life Will Be The Death Of Me I'm on my stand-up tour and I have accountable.us page for anybody who wants to be more socially

or politically active I have lots of things on there that can kind of lead you in the right way to take action okay Brandon

what are you doing this weekend? Whatever you're up to girl One big circle jerk. Bye-bye. Other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. Life Will Be the Death of Me is a production of iHeartRadio.

For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.