Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Hitting On People At Funerals

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

Chelsea and Brandon tackle the age-old question: should you try to hook up with your childhood crush at their mother’s funeral? A teacher chooses between working with her best friend or landing a better job. A manager wonders if she should be the corporate bitch her boss wants her to be. And a memoirist asks how much he should reveal about his sister’s bad behavior in their youth. *****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first.

I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the Internet and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb.

You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, everybody. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. Thanks for tuning in and listening.

Do you tune in? I don't know what goes on anymore. I have to say that I had the absolute best time playing the Santa Barbara Bowl. I want to thank everyone who was there. It was such good vibes. I had tons of friends come out, and I'm just really excited about my stand-up tour. So I wanted to give you guys some more stand-up dates. If you live in Cincinnati, September 30th, I'm coming to Cincinnati.

If you live there, get your tickets. I'm coming to Detroit on October 1st, October 2nd. I'm coming to Indianapolis. That's in Indiana. And then October 3rd, I will be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So I am coming to perform Taft Theater, Fillmore, Detroit, Detroit, the Marat in Indianapolis, and then Davos Performance Hall in Grand Rapids. And if you don't live in one of those cities I'm probably coming to a city near you I'm coming to Florida There's a lot of action in Florida I'm coming to Portland, Maine I'm coming to Jacksonville, Miami Beach, St. Petersburg

Going to Arizona, Reno All of my places Anyway, look for tickets at ChelseaHandler.com Ticketmaster, Live Nation, OnlyFans So I am coming to you And I hope that you guys come and see my Vaccinated and Horny Tour because it's so much fun and i go off it's og chelsea i am i'm just so sick of i've been trying

i've been homeless everybody for for i'm not homeless i'm in a rental house but i might as well be homeless because everything in this rental house is broken so many times i just can't even believe it's almost like i'm in a practical joke show like girls behaving badly a show that i used to be on I feel like is pranking me first there was an electrical fire I had to be taken out of the house by the LAPD or no the LA fire department the police were not there thankfully because they don't like me either and they had to basically lift me over the gate to the rental house because the gate would not open or close so I slept in a hotel for seven days then I came back then the AC broke in the house, then the oven broke, then air conditioning broke again. And then they pulled

something out of the air conditioning unit that looked like something my father would have jury rigged together when he was a car dealer, a used car dealer. It was like duct tape, like a phone wrapped in duct tape with styrofoam stuffed in between the phone and the duct tape in the middle of the air conditioning conduit. And I just looked at it and thought, is this my father haunting me? I am in a rental house that is tantamount to the rental house that my father used to rent on Martha's Vineyard, where he described the basement as a pied-a-tay. Like, I am paying a large amount of money for a house that doesn't work, and the owners seem to think that they're not responsible for any of these inconveniences. So I am just like, you know, and I'm at a point where obviously I'm not going to get involved with these kinds of arguments and stuff because I just can't. It's too silly and it's too much of a waste of your time.

But I would like to go on the record and say that I have not cried once. And five years ago before therapy, I would have been a real basket case. But I've slept without air conditioning several nights now. I have fans that I have to turn on and I'm thriving. you know just waiting to get the hell out of there so if anyone knows of another rental that I could rent in the meantime please I'm looking in the greater LA area maybe it is time for me to move to the valley maybe I just give in and give up and additionally I had a house that I bought but then I found out that Mulholland Drive owns like part of the land in front of the house

that I bought so I pulled out of that house as soon as I found out that at any point the city of Los Angeles could decide to widen Mulholland and my lawn would be shortened. I thought that also reminded me of my father. They have an easement. I thought my father would buy a house with an easement like that, where you thought, you know, it's unlikely that that would happen. Maybe it isn't unlikely. It seems unlikely. It seems like it would be hugely expensive to widen Mulholland. But in the event that they did decide to do that, I would just have to let that happen. Totally devalues the property and the privacy. So I have no house again. So I feel like a nomad right now. I feel very like anchor rudderless, you know, without a house. But I also

I don't want to commit to Los Angeles. I have this. I don't know. I'm going through something. Hopefully it's early menopause. And in other exciting news, last week's episode where we talked about Pandemic of Love, my friend who runs Pandemic of Love, you can follow her at Mindful Skater Girl on Instagram. Her name is Shelly Tagilsky, who I will have as a guest when we return for season two for sure. We had over a thousand listeners call in to become donors at Pandemic of Love. So a thousand of you guys heard that and then decided to go help a stranger in the name of mutual aid. So I just want to say thank you to everybody who did that. And for the people who are struggling right now and receiving mutual aid from strangers and people who are kind enough

to help you, you will be in a position in the future where you will be able to do the same for others. So it's the gift of giving and it continues and it's a beautiful thing. And I can't wait for you guys all to meet Shelly because she's just a great friend and she's just started this incredible organization. And everyone who hits me up on Instagram that I turn over to her, she has helped pay their bills. They vet everybody to make sure that they are paying the bills directly and they're helping people in their times of need. So this is important, and it's a good reminder about humanity. And not everybody's a fucking asshole.

Okay? Okay. Anyway, what do we do now, Brandon? Okay, so this is past and future. So these are questions people have about past issues or upcoming events. So one of them is a question about a new job, someone who is cautious about releasing his memoir, someone who can't stop thinking about her childhood crush. So we cover a lot of bases today.

And our first submission comes from Ashley. We actually have a little voice note from her. She's 29 out of Houston. She's a teacher. So let's play her voice memo. Hi there. I'm Ashley, a 29-year-old teacher in Houston, and I'm having a hard time deciding if I should stay at the school I'm at or move on, maybe even try a new city. I'd give the school I work at a 5 out of 10.

Leadership is awful. however, my partner teacher is my best friend and I love working with her. The thought of leaving what I know for something different gives me major anxiety and I tend to shut down. There's a part of me that would love to live in a different city and move on, but what if I move and it's a worse situation? Should I just be thankful for the good I have and leave it alone? Thank you. I would say that if you have severe anxiety that you're already worried about, that will be a result of moving into a situation that you're not going to have a clear idea about for a long time, that you might want to just stay where you are. You've got a best friend that you love working with. That's a lot more than a lot of people have. And if she's a teacher, right? And if you are a teacher and there's poor leadership where you're teaching, I would say that they need you even more. If you love your job and what you do, if it's a 5 out of a 10, you know, maybe you and your friend can make that school a 6 out of a 10 instead of a 5 out of 10.

Like, you have so much more influence than you even realize. And so I wouldn't quit on the school because of the leadership. I would use that as a reason to stay at the school because of the poor leadership. What do you think, sweetheart? I agree. I think that if you do want to leave, it's always best to have some sort of game plan in place. So if there is a catalyst for you moving, like you really just want to live in a new city, I can understand that. If you have things kind of set in place, like, you know, you've mentioned that you have a partner teacher that you love working with, that you are happy outside of the leadership that you're getting at the school, then that should be more reason, as Chelsea said, for you to invest in the school and make the change you want to see. I think if you're having anxiety, like if you need a guarantee that you're going to love the city, you're going to move to and that you're going to find a new best friend and you're going to find all these things. If you need that to be guaranteed in order to make the move, then don't make the move. Like you have to be open to that. Maybe not working out. And then maybe you go to a different city. You kind of have to have a different kind of attitude and a different set of anxiety. Right?

Yeah, totally. So, yeah, I think you should probably stay. What is her name again? Ashley. Ashley. I think you should stay put, Ashley, and continue to build your community and build the school that you're in and just be a fucking badass example for all your students and help them be better, too. That's that. I feel like I need a protein shake. I felt like that was a protein shake. Would you like one of my meat sticks that you love so much? No, sweetheart, please don't open the meat sticks inside the podcast studio. I had to eat it before I came in today. We have to find a house where we can build, where we can have a room as a podcast studio because the studio we're working out of is very sterile and it's in the valley. Yeah, you don't love the valley. I don't mind the valley, actually. I have to say this is a very short jaunt and it's very easy to come here. So I don't mind the valley. It's better than going to Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills is the worst.

Right. And it's way better than when we had to drive over to Hollywood. Oh, well, yeah. That was the worst. Hollywood is a bit, it's just a bit dirty. It's very dirty. All of L.A. is getting very dirty, honestly. It's alarming.

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See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burning up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything.

Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having.

I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages hey this is hayes davenport and sean clements we host the podcast hollywood handbook on the big money players network our show is extremely accessible

to first-time listeners each week we talk to someone in show business aka the biz and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can you help me shape this how about we flip it on its head how about we flip the script what if the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man

is actually the one who's acting weird Adam Scott this entire time you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show I would never expect I would never set

expectations for something like that to happen if the universe allows for something like that to happen I am open to it. I'm always going to accept. You know, Danny McBride, fine. Yeah, it's all this fragile masculinity exuding. I could smell it walking down the hallway, to be honest with you.

I was like, is that weed? Nope, it's fragile masculinity. Ben Stiller, no. Because a lot of times, out of context, people don't get it or even know what a circle is. You know what I mean? Like, they're like, oh, what's a circle? Everyone's so dumb except for you.

And fake. Right, fake. And also not interested or just like, oh, I've got my life. I don't care about your life. And a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Oh, and by the way, Will Ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us.

Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our next submission comes from, oh, this is an interesting name, Treffum. t-r-e-f-o-m he's on the east coast he's a writer and he says dear chelsea life will be the death of me was so excellent that it moved me to finally write the memoir that i have been rattling around

in my brain for many years the challenge is that it's pretty unflattering to my mother and one of my sisters do i go ahead with it i'm even using a pseudonym but i'm still unsure my mother has dementia so she'll likely never be offended but my sister certainly will she hasn't spoken to me more than six years i have no idea why i'm guessing i'm an asshole or something well it's good to self-assess in that in that way he goes on to say but no idea why but in the final analysis she fucked me over pretty good when we were kids so should i even care what she thinks about the memoir p.s i'm not just some wanker who thinks i can write a memoir i'm a professional writer with more than 30 years of experience okay and he's on the phone hi treffum treffum treffum

Yeah. So Trefim's my pen name. Trefim Markov. It's actually my great-grandfather's name. He was a Russian immigrant. Okay. I was going to say that's not a name I've ever heard. So, but if you've been working with the name, okay, got it. Russian. Okay. That's why I haven't heard it. So why doesn't your sister talk to you? Chelsea, I wish I knew. I really wish I knew. So about seven or so years ago, she just kind of turned me off. Didn't respond to emails, texts, phone calls. I wanted to reach out. I mean, I tried to several times over the course of the first, I don't know, like two or three years. And I never got a response. So eventually, you know, I started feeling like a chump. And I thought, I'm done with this. If she doesn't

want me in her life, I'm done with this. But is there anything that could have happened that you think might be the reason why she's not speaking to you? I mean, I guess. There's no single incident, I think, that stands out in my mind. She's always been very jealous of the fact that I have a good relationship with my in-laws and things are, you know, oftentimes strained with my own family of origin, you know, mostly her and my mother, but a particular incident, I don't know. And this goes back to October, 2014 was the last I heard from her. And do you have other siblings? I do. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. Relationship is good with both of them. My mother is 80 and she's dealing with a pretty

fair amount of dementia even though she doesn't admit that oh okay well most people with dementia don't she yeah right well anyway so sorry we don't want to get off topic okay but wait i'm not done with your siblings so the your other two siblings that you do have a healthy relationship with do they talk to your sister not in a healthy way you know there's there's things that they have to do and discuss in relation to taking care of our mother. But, you know, it's not like, you know, me and my younger brother and my younger sister, we actually, you know, get along. We have good relationships. They are a few years younger. So the deal with my older sister is that we're only 11 months apart. We were born in the same calendar year, she in January and I in December. So

we were basically raised together. And the dynamic hasn't changed from when we were kids. She is a professional judger. She judges. That's what she does. And so my entire childhood growing up with her was her judging everything I did, everything I said, everything that meant something to me, my friends, my girlfriends. And so she carried that over into our adult lives. She just, you know, never stopped being that person. And so now the memories that I have of my childhood are kind of veiled with a shroud of her judgment of like in her voice. so you know it's had that kind of a of a profound impact on me to the point where now that i'm i'm writing a manuscript about my younger years what do i do with that you know am i brutally honest about the way this affected me or do i be the kinder person and temper what i write without the brutal honesty and i i was profoundly moved by life will be the death of me chelsea so and that's kind of inspired me. I've been a professional writer for so many years. This is the first time

I'm actually writing something about me. And it's because of your book. Oh, wow. Well, thank you. Okay, so you're describing the dynamic between you and your sister, and you're describing her behavior. Can I ask you about your own behavior in relation to your sister? Like, how did you what's your part in that? I'm the younger one. I'm 11 months younger. So when we were kids, she got to experience everything before I did. And so I tried to, I guess, have that to look up to, but it never really worked out. And then by the time we were teenagers, and then in our younger 20s, I want to say I was maybe 20 or 21 when our father died so young, the dynamics changed even more so where I was taking care of the house and trying to put

myself through college and I was immediately thrust into adulthood. But there was, I don't think she had the same kind of inclination to do that. So that kind of set the pace for us in terms of what we were going to be like as adults. And I always wanted an older sister. I have a younger sister, a younger brother. I wanted a healthy family dynamic. My wife's family is a good example of that. It just, it's an apple and an orange though. It was just never the same. Yeah. Yeah. But you have to really think about why she acted that way. You know, people who are judging are unhappy and it's about looking outward rather than looking inward. Right. And you have to try to remember that she's obviously coming from a very different place and have as much empathy for her as possible. So it's a conflict because I hear what you're saying. I would always want everyone to pursue their dreams like you writing a novel for the first time.

Well, not a novel. You're writing your own story, right? An autobiographical story. So you're writing that. But if you're writing under a pen name or an alias, like, you know, you're going to change all that. You have to change all the real stuff anyway, legally, when you're writing a book like that. You have to make people unrecognizable and unidentifiable. So, you know, you have to make your sister somebody with a different name, a different occupation. and she lives in a different city. So there are ways to shroud that. But if she, do you know that she's going to be reading your stuff? Because it sounds like she's pretty disengaged.

She is very disengaged. I have no idea. I look at it this way, you know, with the decent relationships I have with my other siblings. And if this does actually come to light, you know, that, you know, whether it's just a personal manuscript or something that actually gets published, I find it hard to believe that it won't be revealed to her. Right. No, no. You know what? I was just reminded by something my friend said to me once, which is like, just assume everything you do is going to be heard by the people that you're talking about. Sure. And that's true. Like, it will get back to her, of course. Again, you could write a manuscript and it could be published or you could write a manuscript and it couldn't be published. So it's a lot of ifs, ands and buts. Right. I mean, hopefully we're going to work under the assumption that it will be published and it'll be a huge success.

Excellent. OK, so worried about hurting her feelings. Brandon, what do you think about that? Well, I think I think that you have to write as authentically as possible. I don't think you're going to do yourself any favors by minimizing your experience, because obviously it's still unsettling for you today. And this has been ongoing for a very long time. I think you're both in a state of arrested development in your interactions. And I think that probably comes from her not getting the limelight that she thought she was due as the firstborn, but tailed very closely by a brother. And my siblings and I are all 13 months apart. So I kind of understand that dynamic where everyone was fighting to some degree for the

attention they thought they were owed. And it seems like she took that into adulthood. and upon the death of your father she knew the pillar she was supposed to take as the eldest child but forced you into that position basically because she's like i'm not doing this like i didn't get my moment i'm not responsible for this you deal with it and she will without doubt read the manuscript whatever it turns into she will because she's narcissistic to some degree that again she didn't get that moment like now you're writing about her so that's really gonna of like tickle her fancy in a way, even if, you know, it's not flattering. But again, I think

that's why you have to write it authentically. And there are appropriate and respectful ways to go about that with her. You can send her a version of it before it's released, before you do anything with it and say, this is my reference to our childhood. These are my memories. I understand they may not align perfectly with your experiences, but I do want you to have this. I want you to be aware if you'd like to discuss anything before it goes out, I'm happy to do so. Like there are ways to operate that's a nice way of going about it yeah there i think there are just respectful ways that you have to operate in your best interest as well and in the best way how you would want someone to do that for you and i don't think you do those things to spite someone else like

obviously you care for your sister you know that it's biological you can't not care for your siblings but i also don't think you have to prioritize how she's going to feel to tell your story. Yeah. So I agree with that. I want this to be authentic. I want it to be honest. These are, you know, even though the names have been changed, are real stories. These are my real stories. And so, you know, if I go in there and I write dishonestly by omission, then, you know, it's not my story anymore. That's true. And you do have every right to tell your story. And I mean, listen, just by the very fact that you're contemplating, it means that you're conscientious about it, which is a good sign, which means you're not a narcissist or an asshole. I mean,

you might be an asshole and a narcissist. But you know, these questions aren't down that line. So again, it's like you're writing under a pseudonym. Like I think that allows a lot of room for people to get over themselves. But again, I think Brandon's advice is spot on for this. I think providing her with the materials beforehand, so she doesn't have one more thing to say she was blindsided you know so she doesn't have any more ammunition against it be sensitive to the fact that it is your sister that she is struggling you probably stole her thunder in a big way that you have no idea about the mere presence of you being born probably disrupted her entire flow right her chi is off so i would say that yeah that that's all you can do because you can't prevent you can't

let somebody else's feelings prevent you from telling your truth well you know i don't think i ever didn't believe that i think i just needed you know to hear somebody say it yeah well great i mean problem solved sounds like good luck with your manuscript well thank you yeah thank you i'm glad i didn't have to exit that zoom the interworkings of sibling relationships because you know i've written so many books where i've exposed my siblings behavior or done stand up and talked about my family in ways that has hurt them and i've gotten in trouble and i've hurt my sisters feelings a lot or my brothers and you know some of them are so insensitive that they don't care and they're just like whatever but i was very insensitive not to run it past them

because i just think you're part of my family like you got it you got to suck it up like this is my story i'm going to tell it you know of course i'm going to tell a joke about it and stand up but i learned that that's not the right way to go about it so i think presenting the people with the material is really the most upright thing to do do you think that that reframes your stand-up material as well so not just in in the books but when you're going to make a reference to somebody i know you've really been thoughtful about how to tell a joke without making someone feel bad or bringing someone down do you think that that affects how you present your comedy yeah do you think it affects your comedy being any less funny in a way

Well, I mean, there's always an asshole to make fun of, right? There's no shortage of assholes, luckily. But yeah, I mean, it's a good challenge to not be able to make cheap jokes. That's a good challenge for anybody, which is a challenge I welcome. I like to be challenged. It makes people work harder. I like to be given a little structure because I'm so structureless and so chaotic that I like when somebody says, OK, this is the world you're going to live in.

Now build a house. Like, OK, great. I like this. I like this challenge. so but yeah I have jokes that I've written that are about you know I'm like if this is a bit that works is am I going to be able to tell this on a special like it's about a member of my family or it's you know like it's going to always get back to them there's never any way around that for me so and what is your kind of spectrum now or I don't know how we would look at this but when

you are writing a joke and you think it's funny but it might be on the threshold of like crossing a line whether it be about a family member or just something socially or you know i want to do this bit about you know just white male privilege and how even young people you know the guys that think they're woke and progressive are aren't you know and and how my nephew is woke and a liberal and very progressive but he still is just basking in white male privilege basking in it basking in mansplaining shit to me left and right all of us and it's like oh my god you know like i remember when they stayed with me during the quarantine i'd walk downstairs and he's just splayed out on my couch you know in shorts with his legs open and i'm like well meanwhile the girls of

which there were four of us we're all have we have our airpods in because we're sharing a house together nobody's sitting on the sofa spread eagle and i want to talk about that you know i want to talk about how it's so inured into men's nature to take up more space and to have less regard for others but i know my sister's gonna get pissed at me and she'll be like can you not do that bit or maybe my nephew needs to hear me do that bit maybe you should maybe you should do the bit for him and get his response this is a great way to test and see if my sister simone is listening to the podcast because she's not she'll be in touch she can write in actually yeah simone if you're listening if you have any questions you can write it no i mean these are

all things we've obviously said to him to my nephew but it's a thing now it's like once you have the term to identify it it's everywhere yeah like once you realize oh white male privilege is a thing it's like all you see is that and so you it becomes kind of like but again that is a little bit more thoughtful even implied in comedy than some of these easier targets like there was a radio show host i don't know if you saw this but a radio show host i guess of a very popular show who walked off quit his show because he could not make fun of demi lovato changing their pronouns to they them was his name piers morgan because that sounds like fucking what piers i loved walking off a show only a white man would walk off a show do you think a person of color would

storm out of a show? Do you think a woman would get up and storm out of a show? Only a fucking white man. Yeah, because they know that there's going to be another opportunity presented to them. Only a straight white man. Well, that's not the case with a person of color or a woman because they don't know if that opportunity is going to come back. But I just thought that was interesting because it was so obvious. It's so easy to make fun of some of these changes that we're seeing because for a lot of us, it's jarring. I mean, even for me as a gay person, it's a little overwhelming.

Actually, this is a good opportunity to talk about because I was talking to my friend last night and we were talking about, you know, non-binary and changing the pronouns. And so there's the pronoun where you can be she or her and then you can choose to be she and they. Yes. So what's the distinction there?

Can you break that down? Okay, so one of my friends in his Instagram bio, because now on Instagram, you can program your pronouns. And his is he, they, and his rationale for that was he identifies as a man, but any person can also be identified plurally. We already do it to some degree. They ran for a drink, whatever. So he thought that it was more inclusive to also be able to be applied plurally than just as a singular man. Okay, so it's not a representation of,

like there's no sexual identity involved in that. It's just he, they, so she and her, and then she and they is just, that's just it. They want to just, it's more inclusive. So then why don't we just do that for everybody? Well, I'm sure that's not the case for everyone. This is going to be a learning process. Everyone has a learning curve with this right now.

my partner works in lgbt media there are daily changes in the representation and the pronouns there are things that are basically just sounds like z zur those are pronouns you don't see them used but that's a thing what is z zur okay those are two pronouns so there's there's just a plethora and what are those pronouns i think that's like all encompassing that there's and again all we can do is learn and accept it and just get it right well let's see if we get this next advice right this is from sunny 34 out of seattle it's a alias i'm sure but we'll talk to sunny why do you say that because it's in quotes yeah well yeah then i would say it is an alias no she's a store manager for a luxury brand she writes dear chelsea i enjoy the company i work for and i also

have a really tough boss i know that if i can stick it out there will be good opportunities on the other side but this lady is killing me she wants a business robot who doesn't have feelings or emotions i've been that bitch before and that is not who i want to be anymore i'm stressed and exhausted all the time from trying to be myself and being bullied back into the box of who someone else thinks i should be i've been at this company for seven years and i don't want to start over what the fuck do i do hi sunny hello hi hi brandon hi how are you i'm doing well how are y'all doing We're doing well too. Thank you. So tell us about this woman that you work for. What's her story? What's the problem? What's the dynamic? Yeah, the dynamic is interesting. I have worked with

this woman for about three years and only reported directly to her for the last six months or so. And she's definitely a little bit on the older side. She's been in the industry for a really long time. She's very well respected in the company, but she has a lot of those just older tendencies, right? She gets really uncomfortable when people are emotional. She gets really uncomfortable anytime people start talking about money or personal problems. So it's, you know, she's not really with the times when it comes to what people are currently kind of going through in the world. And even when I think of, you know, being a woman in the workplace and wanting to talk about some of those problems, talking about, you know, how do you make more money? How do you make

network connections? She's really just cuts you off and puts you at a distance. And it's really uncomfortable with all of that. She loves a woman who is very business oriented, you know, like put on your blazer, put on your red lipstick and let's get to work. And I just can't do that anymore. I've been that person. It's really unfulfilling and I don't know what to do. Well, first, I mean, you say you love working there. This woman seems like she's not with the times. But I would argue that you cannot let one person control your disposition or mood. Right. You're giving her way too much power. She's only your boss right now. You're only reporting to her right now. So like there are workarounds that you can do to tolerate this woman and kind of get what you need and give her what she expects. And you have to look at the situation as temporary and all of the other positive things around it. Like you've been there for seven years. You love the work. You just don't like her personality. That's no reason to leave a job. Yeah, for sure. I know that you're right. I also, I don't know like how long I can continue to be under the emotional duress, you know, without having more of an outlet, I guess. So how do you feel the emotional duress?

I mean, I'm a, I lead other people. So leading other employees, being a manager, you're kind of like at that critical friction point of, you know, I need you guys to take care of the customers. I need you to do these things. And I also am here to take care of you, right? I'm their leader. I'm their boss. And anytime there's something that we need to work through as a team or a problem, and I want to work through it with my leader, you can't bring that emotion into it, it has to be 100% about the business. And when you're working with people, when your whole job is to take care of people, to not have that same mentality for yourself, that's what I find real. It's grinding where it's like, I'm giving a lot for my team. And I

would hope that I would have someone who is doing the same thing for me. And it's hard to just pretend like everything is fine all the time. Okay. Well, but you seem to be going to an empty well for water, right? You seem to need emotional support, yet you're going to somebody who's not equipped to give it to you. Yeah, you're definitely right. So can you get that emotional support elsewhere? Like, can you go to a therapist and get emotional support? Are you in a position where you can afford to go to therapy? I can afford to go to therapy. Yes, that is definitely something that I am actively doing and will continue to do. So you're in therapy? Yes, I have, well, I see a stress coach, so I'm seeing a coach.

That's good. Which is helpful. Yeah. Helpful to have tools and some active resources. But it doesn't really alleviate the fact that you're being stifled emotionally at work. For sure. Yeah. It helps at home, right?

It helps when I leave work and walk away from it. What are your thoughts about her? Like who's senior to her? Like is there a scenario that you would have a conversation with someone that's supervising her about this dynamic? Definitely. And that has happened. So I did have a skip level with him earlier this year. And he said, on one hand, I know there's a place for you in this company. I know that there's a place for people who want to come to work and be wholehearted and take good care of the employees

and take care of customers. And you have to understand that she is the way that she is. And so it's now like this culture that this is her behavior. I'm not the only person who experiences it. And so I have to deal with it. And it's like, you have to suck it up. Right. Well, I would say the same thing. I think you're going to need to get that emotional support that you're looking for from someone else.

And whether that's a girlfriend or whether that's like a partner or a relative, a sister, a brother or a therapist, I think you do have to kind of accept people for who they are and stop expecting them to fulfill Even though we're living in a different time and times are changing people are not fucking caught up They do not get the message and people are stuck in their ways And you can have empathy for her and sympathy for her. You don't have to act on that You don't have to show up for her in any of those ways You just have to take care of yourself and you cannot look for her to do it so I I really would suggest that you find that kind of outlet for yourself because you're

taking care of yourself in a way that's going to make you understand that she is just a pawn in this game of life and she's not worth you leaving a company over where you enjoy your position she will be gone at some point and hopefully you will remain there and you will be in a different position or you'll be in her position I mean yeah that would be the dream yeah so I think imagine leaving because of her I mean what does that say she has that much power over you. Well, I also think what it would do for like the next person who has to report to her or the rest of the people on my team, it's like, at least now they have me and they can report to me and I care about them and I take the time for them. And it's like, if they had to report directly to

her, we'd just be turning and burning. So I think it's good. Yeah. Good to be that person for the people on my team. And no, you're totally right. It's totally temporary. Yeah. She's not going to be around forever and you know, you're not going to be at this job forever, but as while you like it and while you enjoy it you need to like look at her as a like a project in your mind and you are going to handle her the way she handles you you know what I mean that's a special case that needs kid gloves and this is the personality I put on when I have to report to her because I'm going to play her game better than she's going to play it and you know she's not even playing a game she's just being you know older and not with the time so I think that yes I think that's what you

should do you should really just get ahead of this you're letting her control you and you can can control the situation. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you're right. Thank you. Any other advice for a woman in the working world and carving out their own path? That's something that you excel at, Chelsea. Oh, I thought you were talking to Brandon. I am a woman in the working world. Listen, I understand. I've been in charge of people who wanted emotional support for me. Like I've had people work for me and I didn't have the bandwidth. You know, I try to be there for as many people as I can, but I can also relate to her and having to deal with so many changes and having so many people come to you and, and not being equipped to, you know, have people

emotionally lean on you. So I, I can kind of see that, but I would just say to be the example that you want to see, you know, you want to, it's like being the change you want to see. You can only model what you want to portray. And the best version of yourself is, is not to look at certain people like oh they don't get it they don't understand me it's like every personality is handled in a little bit of a different way you have to handle people a little bit differently and that's a fun challenge if you look at it like that you know because then you can like get to her in different ways and who knows what kind of relationship you can create when you stop resisting the fact that she's not on the same page as you and look for other commonalities

between the two of you yeah and model the change I love that you said that it's like who knows what's gonna happen if I can do me and be myself and like work around her instead right like and you can do that you can totally do that my friend is in a job where she has a bunch of people reporting to her and she has one woman that reports to her that complained about her and she was like oh my god you don't understand how much time and how much effort I've spent with this girl and I've sat with her and she's filed a complaint about me and it's like you know there's like so much there's like this huge chasm between them now because they're just both not on the same page at all so i mean it's not uncommon it's happening all over it's just like aren't you smart enough

to figure out a way around that i think so i think you're right yeah all right well problem solved sunny there you go good luck thank you so much bye sunny thanks for calling appreciate the time bye chelsea bye brandon bye bye bye oh god don't miss working retail i do not oh god that would just be that must be so catty although women are learning to be kinder and gentler to each other people just need to learn to be kinder and gentler well women know women have been pitted against each other and you know they're they're pitted against each other because of of our culture and women need to know like we're all on the same team like you got to look out for other women always always always yeah that is something else i was thinking about the other day was how

these younger stars show up for each other in a way that like whitney houston and mariah carey did not this is a very gay reference but there's like they they now see through all of that bullshit all of the background noise like well there can only be one of you that's not true obviously that's been proven time and time again so all these women like taylor swift and katie Perry realized like oh what we don't need to have this sort of dynamic like we can support each other even if we aren't best friends like that's that's not the narrative we need created for us how are these girls supporting each other more now they just show up they're doing music videos together you know they're coming out for each other's projects and there was I saw something

recently that it was Mariah Carey had Jennifer Hudson and Ariana Grande on one of her Christmas songs which was a huge deal like she's never done this before she's never had someone of Ariana's caliber singing with her and just for so long like you're saying women were positioned to be like you are the only one you are the best you can't allow anyone else to come in and you know she had to get with the times to be like oh i can't operate that way like we need to be supporting each other we need to be leveraging one another so that is nice to see that women are stepping out and yeah that's the way it should be outside of what men want them to do okay so speaking of what men would like us to do let's take a break behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's

a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode 8 before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old,

I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this

low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them.

They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments,

nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show

we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can you help me shape this yeah how about we flip it on his head right how about we flip this around okay what is the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile

masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like you're like oh what's this state everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude

is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip i hope you listen to solita on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever

you get your podcasts in terms of you know the memoir writing and offending your family member i mean i'm already doing that again you know as i mentioned earlier i'm doing it in stand-up i'm talking about living with my nephew i told him when i saw him on nantucket like hey you're in my set he's like okay so you know i'm not the best person to give advice on that topic which i would like to reiterate brandon our last submission comes from i think laura yep good old laura she writes dear chelsea when i was born my mom was a nanny for an old rich family that owned a large estate which we lived on every day or most days my mom looked after two boys and me until we moved away when i was 11 and didn't keep in touch fast forward i'm now 49 i started

dreaming about the youngest boy who i was besotted what is that word sweetheart besotted means to have a crush to be taken by somebody like a crush okay i'm gonna incorporate that one i was besotted seven or eight years ago i started daydreaming about meeting him and then one day his dad died and my mom went to his funeral we went in for a quick hug he gave me eye contact in a nervous way and we hardly spoke i cried all the way home my mom was really concerned and then i went into an emotional depression for weeks. I know he is married with three children. His wife looks a bit like me, so that made me smile. Let me just keep going. I emailed him once, but he never responded. My mom died a few weeks ago, and my mom called him, and he never replied.

After she died, her mom, what is she talking about? From the other side. Read Laurel and Jackson's book, you'll know. But his brother always keeps in contact. I have the opportunity to go to my mom's celebration party in the summer, but I don't feel I can put myself through the rejection again. Oh my god. this is i have a really immediate response for her my question is do i forget about him and leave him in the past or do i go to the party and try and rekindle some sort of relationship even though i feel deep down that he doesn't want to go there i've attached an old photo of me and him i'm

looking forward to hearing your advice uh hi laura you need to move the fuck on he's married there's nothing to rekindle it's over he's married right now for he's married for as long as he's married, there's no chance of a reconciliation or there's no reconciliation because there never was anything to begin with. So I want to just say like, you sound slightly delusional and you really are letting a man who isn't seemingly interested in you have way too much control over you. Like you're stronger than that. And you can find somebody else and not focus all of your attention on a childhood crush. Cause that's all it was. You had a childhood crush. We've all had them and then we grow up and they're over and yours is over so you have to listen to the fact

that this is not not healthy not healthy honey sorry to call you honey I don't want to be patronizing or condescending I want I'm just trying to be loving like you're better than this this is not who you are or who you want to be this is just something old that you kind of need to i think it'll be a great sense of closure yes you need to go to his mother's memorial celebration and comport yourself or her celebration however you guys are calling it so yeah does she need to go to that no she doesn't need she'd just be making herself present and putting herself through something that's uncomfortable okay so laura if you can't handle going to his mother's memorial celebration and going through that and acting like an adult and actually making a new

impression because I think there's a vibe that you that people understand you've had a crush on him and I think he probably understands that you've had a crush on him and so I wouldn't set yourself up for that unless you're going to put yourself in a situation where you can go there with your head held high and act in a dignified way and accept that he's married and that you're not in a relationship with him and then pay your respects to his dead mother well honestly Laura don't go to that you shouldn't go to that if you want if you want to send your condolences send a nice arrangement or a note like making yourself present is going to be distracting and it's just going to be like a cry for attention so don't do it yeah laura you're better than this this is a childhood

crush and those expire for a reason just like high school ends for a fucking reason so do childhood crushes and also can we please stop trying to hit on someone at a funeral a parent's funeral especially well really any funeral i mean why are people thinking that that's an opportunity to hook up i remember when my mom died i walked into my parents bathroom and i was looking through my mom's medication to see if i wanted any of it i was going to my mom's funeral and i already thought that was kind of gross that i was doing that but when i got there my brother roy was already in the medicine cabinet doing exactly what i was going to do and i was like what did you find and he had found like a bunch of stuff and he's like Norco did this anyway so I then

prescribed obviously after that what my brother was going to take and what I was going to take and then told him to get out so that I could take my Norco and peace for my mother's funeral but I thought that was inappropriate even while I was in the situation I knew that my behavior was inappropriate but you know it was a funeral I'm allowed to do whatever I want to do really when my mother dies and this seems much more inappropriate hitting on someone at a funeral is such a bad move if you think it's okay to do that because it's not it's disrespectful to the people that have lost someone even if it wasn't the right time and someone was at a funeral and somebody kind of made even if I thought oh that he's cute but not now if he did that he would no

longer be cute like what's cute about a man is a man who knows that that's inappropriate oh i hate having to explain this shit all the time you know and then i come out like i'm the bad guy that i hate men it's like no actually i'm trying to fucking help you if you would listen problem solved problem solved laura get a new problem actually and then right back in i mean poor thing people struggling with childhood i mean here's let me see this picture she sent she said love to Burt and Bernice anyone who's writing to Burt and Bernice just so you know Burt is with a b-e-r-t and then Bernice is b-e-r-n-i-c-e this is spelled burn and you guys are also four and three years old in this picture who knows like they're not this is a childhood

photo okay I I don't know what to say to her I think we've said it all okay move on Laura okay let's let's let's also move on well we are that was the last submission for the day oh okay well then let's move on to margaritas we're wrapped up you have work to do oh yeah that's right okay thanks for listening you guys we'll be back next week bye-bye also i am on tour my tickets are officially on sale we've added a couple of extra shows we're going to be announcing dates as we go you can buy tickets at ticketmaster and tickets are available and i can't fucking wait it's called vaccinated and horny so make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then keep them to yourself please if you want any assistance with your partner your best friend really anything

you can write into dear chelsea project at gmail.com dear chelsea project at gmail.com i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions.

Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. becomes the site of a social experiment and fights back. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.