Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Lesbian Power Couple with Sean Hayes

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

Chelsea is joined live in Chicago by Sean Hayes where they exchange hilarious stories about how they met, struggles with technology, being the youngest sibling and more. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all?

And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. Abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the Death of Me, a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome to our podcast this week, Brandon.

Hello. Hello. uh so this week's episode is of our shows in chicago i had two shows in chicago with sean hayes so we split it i think into two episodes right yep this week next week okay so this week's episode uh i do a reading which will play for you next week of one of my chapters and sean comes out and immediately starts attacking me for that so you can listen to that right now I'm going to bring out a very special guest, a native of Chicago.

He's been on the show, Will & Grace, for 67 years. And his name is Sean Hayes! Come on out! Hi, everybody. How are you? Thank you. What's happening? Remember when Oprah would come out and show,

take a seat, take a seat. Like, that was so condescending, wasn't it, to her audience? Take a seat, take a seat. But, Chels, you literally only have ten pages left in the book. Nobody has to buy it. What a fucking asshole. Sean and I, I want to first, before you start with whatever questions

you haven't prepared, I want to talk about... Believe me, I just learned how to read. I did an episode of Will & Grace with Sean. Take a seat, take a seat. Where I played a lesbian power couple with my best friend, Mary. Typecasting. I am. I would be a great lesbian.

What do you mean, would? I would. I can't, but I would. If I were to do that, I would kill it. I'm sure you would. I've done it until it was my turn, and then I quit. No thanks. That's hilarious.

Not into going down on your beaver. Not into it. And that is why I'm gay. oh anyway we met on will and grace and listen i've never met before that well we met before that but i don't remember but i don't remember that no we met on a game show right didn't we do some charity games yes and before that something yeah yeah quite an impression i remember saying i remember saying something to you the first time i met you and i was like oh hey something about being gay and you're like i'm not gay and i was like oh yeah you are when did i

say that you said i'm not out you were being funny but i didn't know that oh and i was like you're you're not you go i'm not out i go yeah you are oh that was probably like i was 25 26 or something were you not out yes i was totally out but i was not out is that's the different interview it's very boring story all right well i mean i'm out proud happy you want to minimize your gayness you go ahead and do that well one of us has to so Sean I met him on Will and Grace

which is a like a it's a television show it's a television show a lot of you won't know about it but it was here for a while

then it went away and then it came back yeah and it's still here yeah and thank you and I had

no but you were So stupid. It's so dumb. Wait, you were so good on the show, and she didn't want me to come out and say how great you are, but you were so fucking great. And you were really scared, and you were nervous.

I was nervous as fuck. And I don't get nervous. I mean, I do, but I like to make up my own words, not a script. So when I got the script, I'm like, oh, this is a guideline. Which the writers love. Yeah. I was like, oh, this is a guideline. I'll paraphrase this.

And they're like, no, you need to say the line. I'm like, I don't know it. And they're like, fucking learn it. i was and i was like oh i hadn't been talked to like that in a long time so i was like oh and then i'm in my room like memorizing my lines it was simple lines like no and i'd be in the mirror going no and mary's like no not like that i'm like no but you've acted a billion times before that i don't know it's just too much of a well-oiled machine you guys were so in gear and i was out of my element and mary is a professional yeah i like to wing shit and that usually works

for me i like improv and like you know and that was not the right space for me because everyone is so tight and and and they know what they're doing that i stuck out like a sore thumb and i hope i never see any of those people again yeah well we hope you come back on we're good we're good we got it i said to michael how badly am i embarrassed once we did the taping i was fine by the end of the week because i had to be um but the rehearsals all week long were just getting at my self-esteem. I was like, oh, you suck. You can't even fucking act. And meanwhile, you were getting huge laughs. The audience loved you. Just shut up.

You know you were talking shit about me, too. I know I'm not hysterical right now. You were hilarious. Well, it was a fun show. You're hilarious, but whatever. Let's stop rubbing each other's assholes down. Thanks so much. I brought my phone on here just in case I get a phone call. So,

the... Can I have my phone, too, then? I want to... I also told Karen, her assistant, Karen's the tour manager. Well, she looks like an assistant. I meant that the pay grade is higher.

She looks like an assistant, is what I meant to say. But, right? Just keep talking. Do it. Wave to her now, yes. Do another one of these. I said, you gotta read this book. We're gonna do this in Chicago. He's nice enough to say he's gonna come. We have two shows. He's nice enough to say

No, no, that's not how this went down. You said to me, I have a Marco Polo. Should I play it? No. No, don't get your phone out. So Chelsea says to me, hey, because this is how she asks somebody to do something. Hey, I'm going to Chicago to do a thing. You're cool with going, right?

You're cool to come because I needed to come and do this. and so I go yeah I mean I don't know flying I have to go to New York I have to do this and really I fly to Chicago I don't love to travel but all my friends who are here tonight both of you clap

there they are there they are they're actually the ushers here but anyway it'd be great if your two friends from high school were both ushers here. They're like, I keep in touch

with two people and they both happen to work at the same theater. It's so weird. But anyway, she's like, you're going. And I was like,

okay, fine, I'll go. Are you paying for the trip? She said, yes. I go, fine, I'm totally going. And then she said, but you have to read the book. And I'm like,

I can't. Read. He goes, I can't read. I can't read. I have to read your book. And let me tell you something. It is probably the best book I've ever read

out of the three. I mean, there's the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, the given tree, and what is it called? Life will be the death of me. And let me tell you, it is, I'm being totally serious, did I not fucking, did I not Marco Polo you after every chapter and I'm like, oh my God, this is amazing, we're the exact same person this is there's so many similarities what did you what was the first thing that you read in there that you thought were the same person uh well i saw the word vodka in there wait i want to say something i want to get back to that but i have to tell this funny

will and grace story really quick great no i want you to okay because it makes me laugh i think it'll make you laugh because she does edibles and I used to smoke pot a lot. I'm going to get you back on the pot. I'm going to get everybody here on the pot. She's like pushing pot on me. It's a game changer. It makes me crazy.

It makes me crazy now. Anyway, after we tape an episode, this is like in 1953 when we first did the show, I would go back to Max Muchnick's house who was the creator of the show and we would, I think he's okay with me saying, we'd smoke

a little bit and we'd discuss the evening, like the taping of the show we just taped and it was fun and we'd laugh and he just moved in this brand new house and it was unbelievable it was like super high tech and uh i was stoned out of my mind and i'm sitting in the back of his like crazy hollywood theater in his house you know how the people have those huge theaters and it was all brand new equipment and he's like let's oh and he goes you remember that scene in castaway where um the plane's going down and tom hanks is in the bathroom and he gets whipped out and it's crazy and they're going down i'm like yeah he goes let's put that in let's just fast forward to that scene it's incredible right and i'm like yes let's

watch that and so he goes to his big huge fucking you know tv screen and he has the castaway thing and he can't figure out how to do it because it's brand new house it's brand new equipment and i'm way in the back of the theater like this stoned out of my mind and i go is that a sony and he goes yeah how did you i go those are the new ones they're voice activated and he's like what and i go is that a sony he goes yeah i go those are the new ones i read all about them their voice activated you have to say the name of the movie after you put the dvd in and he's like and he's like what the fuck are you talking i go listen to me i just read all about you have to say the name and then he's like this really i go yes so he puts the dvd in and he

goes, cast away. Cast away. Like that. And I couldn't even breathe. I was laughing so hard. Okay, so let's get back to the book. So, tell me, I'm just going to ask you a question, okay? Okay. Yeah, well, you said the first thing. Well, that I realized we were the same. You know, we both have, there's five children in our family. Yeah, big families, right?

Yeah, you're the youngest. You need attention. i need attention you felt like and like an outsider your whole life as a kid you write about that in the book that and what made you feel that way as a kid what what were the circumstances that made you feel even though you were in a household with two parents and you talk about them a lot saying how they weren't really present or with you yet you felt but see i i didn't have a dad and my mom worked all the time so my my mom raised five kids by herself and was your mom present when she was with you guys yes well to me she was she was the

best mom ever she was very loving and supportive and everything until I came out no and then she was great she did like a 180 but uh I was like great now I don't have a mom or a dad and then I would just cry and leave but um so but you know so tell me what made you feel that way because I don't know that I would have felt that way even with two parents but you had the parents yet you still felt the same as me i felt like an outsider because my family was just not traditional and my dad was just a mess he was a used car dealer so there was just shit at my like our family like it looked like samford and son our house and we lived in this kind of like upper middle class

jewish neighborhood so everybody else's parents were like normal and they had to your mom was jewish and your dad well my mom was mormon who i thought she was jewish until i was 10 and then i was revealed to me that she was mormon i'm like oh this is great news i was like what's mormon and then they told me i'm like oh no and i was like i'll take the dreidel thank you very much you know yeah it's like mormon scientology it's like so close uh i felt like yeah definitely adjacent uh i just felt like i think everyone feels out of place i mean i think most people feel like they don't belong like you fit in sometimes in your life and other times you feel like an outsider like a faker like you're not real like people like you for the wrong reasons

or they they don't get you you know you're always kind of dipping in and out of your the the right zone in life you know what i mean your train's on the track sometimes and everything's vibing and then sometimes it's off and in my family it was off when i was born like i slept with my brother my mom let me sleep on when i was a two-day-old baby and she's like oh she always would tell the story how my oldest brother chet that how he slept with me on the first night i was home from the hospital and i was like but why why did you let a 12 year old sleep with me and she's like that's not the point of the story sweetie i'm like i think it's the biggest point of the story um and then dan your therapist said that was the first guy to break up with you yeah

at nine years old and then you associated relationships with men being broken up with I've associated all relationships. I said to Dan once, I said, why do I end relationships on a dime? I have a pattern where people do some one thing, and I'm like, you're out. Get out of my life. I can't trust you. You're a liar. You're a cheater, whatever.

And not just with men, with girlfriends, with anyone. It was black and white. And I asked him, I go, there's a common denominator here, and I'm pretty sure it's me. Like, I have a ton of friends all the time, but not a ton of old friends. Right. You know, I have some, but a lot of people go in and out of my life, and I'm done with them, or I'm annoyed, or I lose interest, or whatever, but I, like, it scorched earth. And he said, because that's your first blueprint for breaking up with somebody.

It's here today and gone tomorrow. Right. And then your dad passed away, and you're like, there's another guy who betrayed me. Well, he just passed away last year, but we were waiting for that for a while. No, that was all right, because he was too old. And when I started, when I was writing this book, I said to my therapist, I'm like, my brothers i'm like everyone's my brother died my mother died my dad's hopefully gonna die this year i'm like it's too much death we had we had dinner in october november like literally a week

or two weeks right after your dad died and she's like i don't know do you guys you know what the specials oh sean by the way my dad died um i'll have the broccoli soup and like and i was like wait i would never order broccoli soup i mean what do i want to explode whatever thank you first of all whoever who made up broccoli soup take it back it's like the mcrib like no thank you i'll take two mcribs in my broccoli that's everything i'm for what is the food we ordered between we ordered portillo she's never had portillos see you idiot oh this is good i've always wondered this too have you ever had difficulty separating your

public from your private self no friendships uh friendships what do you mean i'm gonna read it again have you ever had difficulty separating your public from your private self in your friendships uh moving on i think those two things are really intertwined for me i mean my public persona is my real persona like that's who i am i don't put on a show that's why i'm you know I try not to I try not to lie about anything I mean that's more advantageous for me because I don't want to get caught in a lie

I don't want the press to come out and be like oh Chelsea was shit faced I'm like I'm shit faced I want to tell everyone I'm shit faced so don't try and catch me you gotta get ahead of it no secrets I remember seeing you on like

TMZ and like E and stuff like that where you would be out just like fucking telling it like it is And, like, how are you different now than you were then? Well, what I, you know, again, learning all this stuff through this therapist was about, you know, my big, loud personality and this brashness that I had, you know. Because a lot of people say they've had awakenings, and they don't do anything about it. So I love that in the thing.

You're like, page 172, I memorized the page number because it was so. It's National Autism Awareness Month, so good for you. Yeah. Yeah, me and Mary Lou Henner are having a drink after this. Isn't she the one who knows like dates and times and all that? Oh yeah, yeah, she's like an astrologist or something, right? No, no, she's not, no, no. Mary Lou Henner's an astrologist, you know she is.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit.

Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place

listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages so you say the question is why am i so impatient as an adult chelsea handler says to her therapist uh okay dan says give me an example it's only one page give me it's not 87 pages just fucking read it then okay give me an example of something that happens frequently he asks you you said when i can't turn on the tv in my house or i can't get the music on that's something that happens all the time and then i have to call one of my assistants right and then uh what does it feel like he says when you can't work your music right because i get annoyed and irritated and impatient with

technology that way about technology so you say it made me feel annoyed and he says what's underneath that you said more annoyance he says but what's the emotion under it and you said i don't know anger and he says what does that feel like and you said can't you just tell me and you see i read that right and then he said uh keep going are there any images that elicit the feeling and she's like i don't know musical notes and he says is there a feeling and you said frustration and he said because why you said because my intention was to listen to music and now I can't. And he says, anything else? And you're like, stupid? Useless? He says, helpless? And you said, yes. And he says, what does that feel like? And you said, sad? And he said, sit

with that. And you said, helpless and sad. I agree. But then where does that anger come in? Fucking genius. He says, sad is your internal reaction, which turns to anger because anger sets you in kinetic motion, like we were talking about, to avoid the sadness of sitting there and not listening to music and knowing your plans have been thwarted your anger is your way to avoid sadness i love that i need to go to therapy because and then the whole lesson from that in the book which i read um you're a beautiful reader by the way that was you're a reader yeah well look at you i learned i learned backstage the um no what's cool about that is you said after that and then he introduces the iam uh identification awareness modification so like i have a real

problem with patients i know you do too and he wanted me to give examples that was one example another example of my impatience is like if i go to an airport you know those stores the bookstores that have the magazines and candy, the slowness of that transaction... Yes. By the way, I just told Scotty the story in the airport on the way here. I'm like, the people are never there.

Tell them what you do. Usually I just grab whatever book I'm looking for and I just take 20 or 30 bucks and throw it in front of the security camera and just wave it around and go, I'm going to be in the airport if this isn't enough money. And then I put it on the counter and I walk out, because I cannot deal

with the slowness and waiting in line. It's so true. Like, these people at the airports, and I was telling Dan, like, he was going to be with me, like, commiserating, like, yeah, I don't, I get it. And he was just like, what? And I was like, I just can't deal with it. It's too slow.

I just want the book, and I want to go. And he's like, yeah, everybody wants what they want, and they want to go. And I'm like, oh, is that privilege? Is that being white? He's like, no, white people aren't doing that either. i was like good to know and then it's like you know like in a hotel but but impatience about things that are so it's so unempathetic to be like that like to not you know who knows what these people are are dealing with or why they're slow or why they're you know why why they're in

the back for a half hour while you're waiting to buy a magazine i was in dc a few weekends ago on this tour and the fire alarm i'm so i was in my room i'd taken an edible i was just like just really jamming out by myself reading my instagram dms people's responses i was trying to respond but i was very stoned and and i had the steamer going and just forgot about it sounds like a party it's an after party with one person you want to come over i got my steamer on like i'm gonna turn my steamer on and get loose the steamers for the broccoli soup so i went and i heard the alarm go off i was like oh and i texted karen because we're in the same hotel obviously and i texted her i was like if there's a fire jaw i'm not doing it yeah i just thought of a jingle really fast the regina

steamer carpet cleaner so stupid and so i realized after like 10 more minutes that she's like i don't hear an alarm i'm like oh well there's one going off hopefully they'll fix it and then i realize it's in my room going off and i'm like oh fuck i'm like you are dumb and then i looked at the alarm and i'm like i've learned patience i've learned to take a breath i've learned to not react to take a minute that was something i didn't know you could do yeah i heard about it but i heard about people saying write an email back don't send it until the next day and i'm like all right you know like that's fun for you i've never done that i'm reactive i'm like you fuck you yeah i don't like this i don't let other like problems settle or the idea that

you know write a letter to yourself and in the morning you might not even want to send it i'm like that's never gonna happen but do you do that now because i do i do that i did it actually i'm somewhere in between your extremeness and and doing that i do that like if i have to write a really angry or i feel angry somebody i always write the email out first and i don't send yeah that's what you should do and usually i had never tried it so what i learned was that usually the next day you really don't want to send it you don't you don't care half the time anymore the next day but to the fire alarm i went and i was like here's an opportunity to not be a baby like usually if a fire alarm ever went off at a hotel i would just walk out the door and check into

another hotel like i don't want to deal with that i don't want to deal with a line of people out. I'd just be like, fuck it. I wouldn't even leave my clothes and just be like, let's get new stuff. I don't... I mean, I've been on vacation and seen my suitcase ready to pack and I'd be like, let's just leave it. I can't deal. Like, let me just get new things. I get that. Do you ever travel

overseas and send your luggage before you? Yeah, always. Always. FedEx. Until they gave money to Trump and then I stopped using that. And then I started using UPS and they don't get shit anywhere on time so now I use FedEx again. That was a big commitment. If you've seen Castaway, sometimes FedEx doesn't get there.

So anyway, it was a moment. I was like, oh, the fire alarm's going off. Like, you're capable of doing this. You've dealt with this before. At some point before you had domestic amnesia, you were able to do simple tasks like this. So I got a chair out, and I went up, and I undid it. I took the battery out, and I looked at the battery, and the alarm went off. And I was like, oh, look at you, girl.

And then I looked at the battery. I looked at the minus and the positive. I was like, how do you know this? Like, it was one of those moments where I was like, see, you know how to do shit. You're just a baby. And you've had so many people working for you for so long that I lost touch with, like, reality.

And I was spoiled. And I was so icked out by myself, you know? It came to a crescendo where I was so spoiled and I was saying yes to things because of paychecks rather than being thoughtful about what I wanted to put out into the world. And you know how that goes. You get successful and people are, like, into you and love you. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want more. I want more. And I sat in that hotel room. I'm like, this is everything you've been working on. Just be a regular person. Be down to earth. And like, don't be, you know, a baby. And so I got up.

I put this thing back on. And I got off the chair. And I was about to text my sister. Like, I just turned off a fire alarm. And I was like, don't send that text, you asshole. Just keep it here. Not everything is for everybody all the time. You're not a performance.

Just be with yourself. That's really, really great, yeah. Are you crying? Inside, I am. And I heard every other word you just said. I'm kidding. That was really great. It was great.

My friend Maria Shriver, and I've told you this before. How did you become friends with Maria Shriver? No, she's fantastic, as you know. Yeah, I love Maria Shriver. She's a real mama bear. She's the best and super smart. And she always says, to your point, for the last 20 minutes, she said, she said, you know, a lot of people tweet and Instagram and voice their own opinion, their angry, angry opinions on Facebook or whatever it is. And they go crazy and they yell and scream.

And she always says, I totally agree with you. What are you doing about it? and it shuts people down because people use their voices all the time and they should and we should we should speak our minds and everything but there's not enough people putting that into action right so if i feel right if i feel if if i feel so so fucking pissed about a certain you know issue issue that trump is not supporting or supporting in a wrong way or whatever you know and i feel that strongly about it i could bitch about it but there's plenty of people bitching about everything so what are we doing about it right and yes we can vote but beyond

voting there has to be things we can do in little chunks that will add up and i think people are people are yeah i think people are really actually realizing that they have to do something because otherwise you know everything's at risk i mean if you have a daughter or you i mean whatever whatever reasons i think people have been galvanized in a way that is really inspiring i mean i've become friends with people i would never talk to you before the election because were like a coalition you know i've met women and and it made me open my eyes and realize how privileged my whole life has been you know i don't know what it's like to be a person of color i have no idea what that's like and how often was i thinking about what it's like to be a person of

color not often enough how often was i thinking about what it's like to be a gay person and to be scared of violence to be scared and get pulled over by a police officer and be have it be a life or death situation we need to always be fucking thinking about that and we need to be mobilized in helping communities that need us you know and not not because white people are going to fix the problem but i don't think it's that's not what i'm saying i'm saying that people who have platforms i feel a sense of responsibility to look outside of my own asshole and look around at other people's stories and say how can i be a better advocate how can i know more how can i be a good ally because I'm not fighting for my rights. I want to

vote for other people's rights. I got enough, you know, in this life. It's full. Right, right, right, right. That's so great. Here's a funny story. We'll see about that. So you mentioned an alarm a while ago.

An alarm? Oh, yes, a fire alarm. Right, right. Good, good. Good recall, Sean. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, Scotty and I, this is a funny story, just because we're going to balance this conversation yeah sure balance it yeah i know you don't like to get too serious i've seen it no no no go go yuck it up no let's move on let's go no no no no don't be like that no it's not tell the story now oh god so we so scotty and i i don't know if you even know that

that's that funny but um so scotty and my husband we were watching the movie gone girl Gone Girl, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gone Girl with Ben Affleck and some woman? Rosamund Pike. Is that really who it is? Yeah, that's her name. Oh, okay.

Is that true? Yeah. Oh, okay. You think I could make up a name like that? Rosamund Pike? I mean, I can't believe I even remembered it. I know that. She really stuck with you.

I'm obviously a huge fan. so we're watching the movie and it's like i don't know 11 30 12 o'clock at night it's not that scary of a movie but it's kind of like a thriller did you saw did anybody see it all right yeah everyone that was a great movie yeah and so uh we're watching it and all of a sudden our fire alarm goes off for some reason because the fucking battery right because the battery goes it goes are you serious right now are you gonna kill my still steal my story right No, but wait. I'm going to build on it.

I'm actually going to make it interesting. Ah, should I text my sister that I changed the battery? No, period. Jesus. God. Thank God for your angst against Trump. So, anyway. Oh, I'm going to get it in between shows.

yeah that hot dog is coming your way coming in hot gladly so anyway what's that expression oh no

that's so a hot dog in a hallway what is that you know talk about a loose girl a loose girl oh I thought it was

about loose guys or that yeah like a hot dog throwing a hot dog down a hallway what a gross visual I know

anyway so so yeah So we're watching, gone girl, and the fire alarm goes off, right, and it triggers, the sound triggers our house alarm, which, cover your ears, is like, I mean, it's like unnerving, right, it's in the backyard, it fucking goes off in the backyard, and the neighbors, right, it's so loud, and so we're like, wait, what the fuck? We didn't hear the fire alarm and we're watching gong gong girl

So we're like kind of freaked out already And so the alarms going off because we didn't think and we're like what the fuck so we've go and put punch the code right, which is I won't tell you what it is and So we punch the code and it goes off for like Jesus God that gave me a heart attack and then then the fire Lamp and then the fucking house alarm goes up like what and this goes on for a half an hour, right? So I turn that off, and we're like, what's going on? And we call the thing, the fire alarm company, the house alarm company, what's going on?

So we don't know, so, oh, my God. So then, we didn't know it was the fire alarm setting off the house alarm, right? Okay, got it, because, yeah, you don't have a code for your fire alarm. No, you just have a battery like an idiot would have known. So, when I kind of buried the lead. But anyway, so I go in the crawl space of the attic,

Mr. Mechanic, and, uh, Mike and the mechanics, and, um, and I, I fucking cut the cord to the house alarm, because I don't know how to fucking fix it, and then, and then I go, I take, I uns, we unscrew these grates, like, these huge grates in the hallways, that hallway, and that hallway, Because I live in a mansion. And I cut that fucking alarm thing. I'm cutting wires all over. And every time, I'm like, am I going to get fucking killed? You know, like die hard.

Like, cut the wire. Not the red one, the green one. And so, and then finally, no more house alarm, right? And then we hear. Like, so quiet. It's a chirp. It's a chirp. It's a chirp.

And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? For an hour. And the neighbors' lights went on, and they're like, what? And all we had to do was change the battery. A little longer than yours, but a little funnier. I once had my pool overflowing at my house

and left my house and checked into a hotel. I was rising. I was like, Brandon, I don't like the looks of this. I'm taking off. I like the idea of cutting wires, though. You know, sometimes when those things are chirping, it's because the battery's low, and so you think there's a fire.

That's the point of the story. Sorry. I'm sitting over here in deep pain. No, that's okay. The shoes look great with the T-shirt. So, uh... go ahead i look like a lesbian just say no i won't say it i won't know when you go low i go high okay well this sounds like a good time to take a break

behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all? And will you finish episode 8 before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files

i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part

book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm gonna have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society

on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages Okay, so wait. These are really good questions. Who wrote these? I wanted to ask you something else about... Being horny? Yeah. I haven't had sex in a really long time.

A long time. I had sex with a ski guide that I was skiing with a year ago. and he got fired from his job for having sex with me as like a ski yeah he was a ski guide I was skiing with him

well he was skiing with my nephews all week and then like midweek I was like who's that guy bring him over here and we skied together and I hooked up with him

and then he got in trouble for having sex with a client I guess that's what they call you a client and um yeah

well wait guys I got a client the story I can't I got a client the story's not over because, yes, the client... You're like a snow bunny.

You're like a thumper. A little bunny rabbit. I felt really badly for getting him fired because, you know, I didn't, you know, make him have sex with me, but I felt bad anyway. And so I gave him... I gave him some money.

Because I felt bad about his firing. And when I told... Oh, that's right. You paid him. to just say... Because you felt bad about him being fired. Yeah, like, and he thought... Because you felt like you caused the firing. Yes. I felt like... I've done this before, where I've had sex

with people I shouldn't have, and then they get fired, and then I have to give them a severance package. That's so funny. That's so funny. So I gave this guy... Like... That's so funny. I gave him $20,000.

No, you did not. Yeah. Are you serious? I'll fuck you for that. Hot dog down a hallway, baby. I wouldn't fuck somebody for 20 grand. Really? How much? How much?

I don't know. How much? Everybody has a price. Say it. I don't know. Somebody said I'll give you a million dollars. I don't need a million dollars to fuck somebody. Somebody said I'll give you 10 million dollars.

No, I'm not going to fuck somebody. Well, maybe $10 million, yeah. I would give it away to charity. That would be an impetus. I would say, I'm doing this for the country. Have you ever seen baitbus.com? Anybody clap if you've seen baitbus.com? The gays, the gays, no.

What is it? Baitbus, baitbus.com, right, Scotty? Yeah. Scotty's like, what? I like how wherever you look, there's Scotty. I know. Sometimes he's over there. It's like, where's Waldo?

He just appears. This actually is a wheelchair, and he's going to wheelchair me out of here. No, bait bus is like it's gay guys who it's a whole thing where straight guys get lured into a bus.

There's a girl there with titties and he's like, yeah. And she's like, can I blindfold you? And she's like, yeah. And then a guy blows him and they take the fucking thing off and he's like, what the fuck's going on? And they're like, see, it doesn't matter.

And he mouths the mouth. BapeBus.com By the way, it's so old I don't even know if it's up anymore What a beautiful nighttime story Everyone can go home and tell that to your loved ones Or your children tonight Don't get on the bus because you know what happens

That's right How much time? We have to wrap it up we have to say goodbye soon what would you like your parting words of wisdom to be I'm going to tell you right now before you fuck me with that hot dog I'm going to tell you

and everybody here that and you've probably been told this before that well I'm not going to back into it I'm going to back into that I think for people who don't know Chelsea and I'm assuming a lot of you don't

know her personally that her deepest, darkest secret is she is the kindest, sweetest, most gentle, loving, selfless, giving person ever. And you need to accept that. Sit with that. I'm going to accept that.

I appreciate you saying something nice for once. Thank you. And this book, truly, out of the three I've read, no, this book is really, really, truly the best book I've ever read. It is so fraught with lessons and enlightenment and things that you can take away and apply to your life

and grow and learn, and not a lot of books do that. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you very much. I want to just read something from my book. This is a little serious, so you can close your ears. We're selling bracelets, these ones that I'm wearing, that say I decide on them

and t-shirts that say I decide that go to the LGBTQIA community. Is it IA or AI community? It should all be just Q, but I'm not in charge of that. Okay. It's going to youth of the LGBTQIA community. Too many letters.

Don't you agree? Yeah, well, I know. I'm not the one who's gay, so I don't know who's coming up with the letters. I don't know. They're adding letters all the time and just trying to show respect. All of those people should just be Q.

It should just be Q. Queer? Yes. Okay, well, maybe they will. I mean, eventually they're going to have to narrow it down to one letter. And by the way, your things should fucking say Q on them. Okay, go ahead.

Okay, well, thanks for that. Let me decide which one to read. I'd like to go out with something meaningful from this stupid, stupid conversation. Hold on, let me find something. I'll read this. I'll read this last part of the book. This is so good.

Oh, shut up. your voice has meaning find something that you care about that has nothing to do with you and learn about it pay attention when you're tired take care of yourself read more

watch less TV find new people to teach you their life lessons be proactive know that you have something of value that is unlike what anyone else has the world is only getting browner and gayer and if you don't hop on board

you're going to miss the fucking bus The bait bus Thank you everybody Thank you for coming out Chicago Thank you Thank you Come on honey this way Okay, well, that's our first episode with Sean Hayes.

We will be back next week with a second episode with Sean. And I am coming to perform in Atlanta this weekend at the Tabernacle Theater. I'm coming to Westbury, Long Island, Montclair, New Jersey. And I'm coming to a whole bunch of new places and additional dates have been added. So you can go to LiveNation.com or ChelseaHandler.com. and the book is called Life Will Be the Death of Me and that's Brandon

he is my consigliere goodnight Life Will Be the Death of Me is a production of iHeartRadio for more podcasts from iHeartRadio visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows I survived nine months in captivity and I've spent my life

exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality,

welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.