Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Matchmaker Matchmaker with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Chelsea and Catherine get a followup from a world-traveler, discuss the delights of a fat baby, and help a First Nation artist find the love of his life (hopefully).   Then:  A new diet comes between two besties and their indulgent dinners out. A 30-something’s boyfriend can’t commit. And a lovebird isn’t concerned about her boyfriend’s alternative look… but her mom has other ideas.  * Slide into Patrick’s DMs at @patrickhunter_art! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Trigger warning: This episode contains discussions of disordered eating.  Thanks to Betterhelp for sponsoring our new segment, Calling In Backup, and to Courtney Cope, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and Principal Clinical Operations Manager at BetterHelp. * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast? We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by.

The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it.

Oh, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh... No way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine. I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.

Oh, oh, wow. You have a little party boner. I actually do. A little podcast party boner. Can I tell you why, Chelsea? we are finally going to do some matchmaking oh that's nice callers pay attention are these just for gay people or is this for heterogeneous heterogeneous couples you know here is the thing when i finally dug into the emails i thought to myself like how am i gonna hook these people up

right because people are all over the country all over the world emailing in some people are gay Some people are straight, et cetera. There are a lot of straight women that wrote in. And I, you know, we will do our best for you ladies, but it's going to be more successful for gay guys. We'll take whatever we can take. You know what I mean? We have to help who we can help.

Yes. But I thought what we'd do, I thought we can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing. And then we'll let people slide into their DMs or into an email that we create for them. Cute. Chelsea, I have some updates from some previous callers. Are you ready for this? Yes. Okay.

Okay. Well, this first one is from a recent piece of advice that we gave Melanie. She was from an episode that you and I had done together. Her Airbnb host was a little older, a little sexy older man situation. She was worried about putting the moves. She says, I have a very happy update for you. After another month of growing closer and getting flirty, my host finally bit the bullet while we were on a hike together. Right on, sister. I love it. And told me he'd like to be more than friends. Needless to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been such a chicken about making a move. Since then, we went on a first official date where he took me to the movies and surprised me with roses. We finally said everything we've been holding in and things moved quickly ever since.

I love that part where you tell each other all the times you were about to say something and you didn't and then they tell you what they were thinking. That's the most exciting time of a relationship. It's the best. It's the very, very beginning where you're just flirting and like trying to like be on your best behavior. And like filling in the gaps from things that have already happened. Like here's where my head was at with that. He treats me like absolute gold and I'm stunned that it's even possible to feel so adored by an emotionally available man. I'm being showered with words of adoration and we're already talking about finding ways for me to stay here in New Zealand long term. It's a big adjustment. Living in the same house and dating a

much older man is all new territory for me, but I'm more than ready to heal all the dating app drama I endured in my 20s. Thanks again for your encouragement and all you do on this podcast. Hopefully I can provide more happy updates soon. In gratitude, Melanie. And stay in New Zealand. That's a safe place for global warming too, they're saying, New Zealand. Plus all the bunkers are over there. Are there? Yeah, they have a lot. A lot of millionaires and billionaires have built like bunkers into the side of the mountains in New Zealand, even though it's pretty much an island.

Yeah. It doesn't have huge elevation, but it has protective rock layering and there are hills and stuff. Yeah. We have a friend who is a Kiwi and he did COVID right. He decided to like leave his terrible wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning of COVID. And he was like, I got there. You have to quarantine for two weeks. Right.

So they put you up, the government put you up in a nice hotel on the beach and one hour a day. They would like have someone follow you for your like romantic walk on the beach. so you could have some outdoors time. And then they give you like steak dinners every night for two weeks. All on the government. I was like, good job, New Zealand. For when you were stressed out? No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he had to quarantine.

Because they only let in Kiwis. Yeah, that is nice. Yes. I'm having dinner with my friend tonight. He just texted me, do you want sushi or steak? I'm like, sushi. I don't want steak anymore. You don't have steak early?

I don't know. Even when my mom gets steak for the house, I look at it now and I'm just so disgusted. I can't even eat it. I can eat a burger, but steak itself I'm starting to get really grossed out by. Oh, no. Sometimes you do just get the ick. Like, I sometimes will get the ick for chicken for, like, two years in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had that about salmon, and now I'm down, deep down. I'm upriver with salmon. I love salmon. You know why I also like salmon? Because bears love salmon. And I love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon. Do you watch YouTube videos, or is this just, like, your Canadian pastime? Oh, yeah.

All I watch are bears and fat, fat babies. Oh, yes. I love both of those things. It's amazing how a lot of people do not like fat babies. Because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends, and a lot of them are like, stop sending us this. They're like, this is gross. I'm like, what? I think it's beautiful.

I mean, when is the time to be a fatty unless it's when you're a baby? Absolutely. That's the easiest time to do it. See, my thing right now is just like dogs that are howling or like singing, quote unquote, and people will write these jazz tunes underneath them and it cracks me up every single time. I just absolutely love it. Your dog humor is pretty solid.

It's solid. It's solid. Okay, on that note, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation. One incredible celebration.

One unforgettable night. See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burn it up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of

traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book

your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back! We are! Well, H says, Dear Chelsea, I'm an almost 33-year-old woman living alone in a major city in Washington state, which I recently relocated to to be closer to certain members of my family. My relationship with my mother has gotten a little bit better in recent years as both of us have been going to therapy, but still honestly has quite a ways to go. I love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful person underneath it all. My mom has never liked any person I've ever introduced her to, whether they were romantic or a friend. She always seems to see the worst in people, even when they've never given her any reason to be

suspicious or wary. In all my adult life, I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life choices roll off my back. Like water off a duck's back, as you like to say. There have been periods of time in which I've gone low contact or given her a strict information diet to preserve my joy and protect myself from her unsolicited opinions. But I've also tried to do right by her and make her proud. I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months, and recently it felt like a good time to casually introduce him to some of my people, my folks included. I felt that it all went well. All of my friends absolutely loved him, and the meeting with my folks seemed very chill and cordial. Then, a week after that,

my mom expressed significant concern. She said that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that she feels he is potentially dangerous and has a gut feeling that he's bad news. I maintained my composure to hear her out, but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way. She said no, it was just her intuition. Exactly. I feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look. He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in his youth

and looks a bit rough around the edges. I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them and honestly find it very hot that he has his own style. He's in touch with himself and I find his look very attractive. He's a wonderful man who treats me better than I've ever been treated and is much softer on the inside than he looks on the outside. However, I truly value intuition. Do I put stock in hers or trust my own?

Sincerely, H. Hi, H. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Catherine. So great to meet you. Is that a Cabbage Patch Kid behind you in that window, Syl? Some weird doll. Yeah, I'm a nanny, though.

There's all sorts of kids. Oh, oh, I see. Copy that. Yes, we are catching her during nap time. So it sounds like you have a long history of this dynamic in your relationship, right? That she's been pulling this shit for years and years. Yeah. And to the point where I want to honor her perspective and I want to always consider

if there maybe is some truth to any of her complaints, you know, but when I really think about it, I just can't quite figure out what her deal is, why there's consistently a problem. And has her intuition been right before? Not really. I mean, not in anything else. I mean, she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't last forever. but that was my choice and a good one. But that's more factual.

That's not intuitive, right? That's what happened, happened. I would put a lot less value in what her intuition is telling her. There is a nice way to say this to her though, because you have a great opportunity because you just said all of these things that make your boyfriend,

or I don't know if you're calling him that yet. Are you calling him your boyfriend? Okay, your boyfriend, like shady kind of characteristics, like he's missing a couple of teeth or what people would frame as rough around the edges. as you mentioned, like that. Right. I think that's really open-minded of you that that doesn't bother you. That's a great place to start to say, to just engage in this conversation and go, you know, while I can understand for this, this, and this reasons that might have made you

uncomfortable, but I don't really look at those things as, you know, I think those are characteristic of who he is, not as character flaws, you know, and you can use your own language to say all of this, but it's a great opportunity to A, be soft and gentle, honor her intuition, and also let her know it's really no longer welcome. You're a woman now. You don't need her opinion. You don't need her approval. She's not even proven herself to be good at listening to her intuition. These are judgments, not intuitiveness. Judgment and intuition are two different things. so yeah well thank you for clarifying because that's kind of where I was trying to draw the line as well where it's like if it actually felt like intuition if it was coming from a best friend

who actually knows me really really well or has a track record of steering you in the right direction then I would be taking it super seriously but with her it's like no I think that's just a nice word for judgment from you it's a big green flag to me that all your friends really, really liked him and that, you know, he got along with the rest of your people. And I think, you know, you have this track record with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends. She doesn't like whoever you bring home. I think you mentioned she loves everybody your sister brings home. Of course, which has got to feel amazing. But you mentioned, you know, wanting to do right by her and make her proud. I think for me especially, like that's something I

carry with me all the time that I'm working on dismantling in my 30s is just like being okay with sort of disappointing my parents and in ways that are sort of large and small. And often, you know, the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it was going to be in previous years. And, you know, like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her, remind her, don't judge a book by its cover.

That's not what I'm doing. And I'd love to see him prove you wrong. And, you know, whether or not we stay together for the long haul, I think he's a great person and would love for you to get to know him better. All right. So would you both say that, would you recommend that I wait to have that conversation with her and then kind of feel out how any future meetings between them might go? Because I don't want to completely bar him from any part of my family life just because she's going to get pissy, but I also don't want to... I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction to this because it doesn't sound like you've had this conversation with her before, correct? Um, not on this subject, but I have essentially said very similar things to her opinions about

either my school or my career or my this or my, you know, whatever. So just different topic. Okay. We'll use this topic and try and do like, just change the approach, even just slightly different so that it's memorable for both of you in a positive way. Because I think you don't seem like an angry person, but get rid of any anger or accusation. Okay. Because even calling out her judgment is really her accusing him of being something that she has no proof to bear witness of. Like, so I think you're going to look at this and you're going to be proud of yourself. And it cannot be understated to every single person who's listening today. When you act in courage and you stand up to something that bothers you in a loving way, it's like you evolve

to the next level of being a human being because you won't ever have to struggle with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every minute that you spend thinking about it and executing it in your highest vibe and really getting the message across to your mother in a loving way. And I guarantee you will be very surprised by the response because I don't think you're going to have to worry about when to schedule. Even if she gets mad initially, she's going to come down and think about what happened. And she's going to know that if she wants to see you, that's going to be a double thing. And she's going to want to prove to you that she's not judgmental and that her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will be wanting to spend time with you.

And that's not to say that her intuition is right, but that will be her motivation. Do you know what I mean? Because you came at her at a different level, and then that requires a different response. You can't mingle the same way when you're doing it differently. Yeah. And you've learned this lesson not to judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy. He seems really great. But she hasn't learned that lesson yet. So coming at her with this sort of like, you don't have to say this to her, but in your mind, being like, aw, she's not quite there yet. Encouraging her, maybe just have an open mind. I really like him and maybe you'll have a different opinion down the road. And then leaving it at that, I think whether to talk to her about it

or shoot her a text is dependent on how sort of activated you think that you will be. Do you feel like you can have this conversation with her in person and not get upset with her? Or do you think maybe shoot her a text? At some point, I feel like I can, as long as things haven't been like getting inflammatory earlier in the hangout or conversation. But she is in town actually for the next couple of days. So I've just been kind of keeping things neutral, keeping her on a little bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and just shooting the breeze, not really bringing it up, just trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel like if the opportunity presents itself and makes sense, then I might go for it. And if not, then I might just wait a little bit

longer and maybe add something like that into a text the next time that I'm going to be in her orbit. And also, you know, the more that you do bring him around, the less of sort of a shock his appearance will be. Like when you get to know someone, their appearance in a weird way sort of fades away. You don't notice these sort of really specific things about them that you might have noticed so much in the beginning. So, you know, I would definitely encourage you to like keep bringing him around. Awesome. Will do. And also will you text us a picture of him too? Or like the two of you together? Yeah, absolutely. It's going to be from a Rocky Horror Picture Show. So we're going to look all sorts of interesting. Love it. Perfect. Good luck with everything.

Thank you so much, H. Thank you so much, both of you. Love your show so much. Thank you. Good luck with the babies. Thank you. Have a great day, you too. Bye.

Bye. My mom, by the way, who is about to be in town, every time she comes, she's like, do you have any tattoos? No, mom, I still don't have any tattoos. That's like her greatest fear for me. Oh, it is? That's funny. All my nieces have tattoos.

They do have tattoos? Yeah, I don't have any, but they do. Well, you can still be buried in Jewish cemetery then. Yeah. Well, yes. I hope they put me on fire, though. Set me on fire and tossed me into the ocean. I hope they tossed me into the mouth of an anaconda. That sounds wonderful, actually. Well, our next caller is Christina. Dear Chelsea, I'm 33 and my boyfriend is 46. We both currently live in California. We dated for six months, then he abruptly ended things. I was completely caught off guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my dad and my grandmother died on the same day, coincidentally, and

my uncle died on my birthday a few months later. So needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup. Six months went by, and we ended up reconnecting and have since been together almost a year now. His father died a few months ago, and he's dealt with mental health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants. We truly love each other and spending time together. However, I'm at a place where I want to know what he wants for the future.

Anytime I bring that up, he gets uncomfortable and frustrated, and he says he has to figure himself out first. My question is, am I wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out and wait for him to figure out what he wants, marriage, family, or bachelor life, etc.? And also, is he too old for me? Thanks, Christina. Hi, Christina. Hello. Hi, Chelsea.

I would say that it sounds like you should probably move on. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't think that neither of these things are issues singularly, but I think collectively they become some issue. Like, I don't care about the age difference, but somebody at that age who's still not ready to figure out what his life goals are, it doesn't make sense. That's too old. Like you should at least have your feet underneath you enough to say yay or nay, because that can just be him stringing you along until you give him an ultimatum. You know, maybe that's what it is either way, or if it's genuinely, he doesn't know either

way, not hot, not those aren't hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good for you. And then on the other side of it, like the breakup that you had and then you getting over it, obviously you had other things to go, but like, that's proof that you got past him once. like I have no problem imagining you getting over him again. Yeah. So that's a positive thing to think about. You don't need three people to die for that to happen either. Like you can get over him. You know, it's possible. And I just don't think, especially when you've broken up

with someone and you got back together, that there's any room. If one of you wants to be in this for the long haul, there's no room for like, I don't know. You were just in a relationship. You broke up because it didn't work out, and now you're back together. You're not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're back together to stay together or you're back together and it's whoopsie doodle. It's time to break up again. Yeah, I agree. The year mark feels like, I mean, first of all, as Chelsea said, his age.

Like it does sort of feel like at 46 you should kind of know what you want from life. Enough to know if you want to be with someone that you've been intimate and in a long-term relationship with. Absolutely. And make a future together. What's the wishy-washy? That's so unattractive. Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three months and he's not sure if he wants like marriage and kids with you.

You've been together on and off for a year and a half. Yeah, and I joke because the only reason that we really got back together this last time, I blame it on my dog. Because my dog had an emergency one night and he was like the first person that I called. And so he was there right away. But if it really weren't for that, it's kind of like I've put in the effort. And you initiated the get back together then, like that was you. So that's another reason that you should probably move on. This doesn't sound like a him and you relationship, a 50-50. It sounds like you making the moves and him like, okay, or maybe not.

I hate to say it, but I'm 33. And so I kind of want some answers. And, you know, it would just make me feel better to know what's going to happen in a way, even though that might not even work out. Yeah, I mean, you can present it in a very direct, upfront way that's like doesn't give a lot of room for figuring it out. Like, hey, buddy, I'm kind of getting the sense that you're not down for what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement for you to be with me or for me to be with you. But if you're not ready for that and you can't commit to like a future together, then I'm more interested in finding somebody who will. And, you know, no hard feelings at all. Chelsea, you've given this type of advice before, but that conversation like may include a breakup, maybe not right at that moment in that conversation, but shortly thereafter. And, you know, sometimes when you do cap that with a breakup of like, OK, then I do need to move on. Like two weeks later, they're right back, like knock on your door, like, no, I figured it out. I do want marriage and family and kids. Yeah, that is true. And I kind of have given him a little bit more grease because, like I put in the letter, you know, his dad passed away.

And so he's been on antidepressants, and that can have, obviously, a big effect on a lot of people. Yeah, but you know what? Everyone's dad passes away. It's not an excuse. It's something to be sensitive about, but it's not the end of the world. Everybody is dealing with that at some point in their lives. Yeah, that's true. How important—I mean, obviously, you wouldn't be writing in if it wasn't.

But what's your trajectory as far as I feel like I want to be getting married and having kids like sooner rather than later? Is it deal breaker level for you? Where are you at on that? You know, I'm not in a super rush. I want it to be the right situation. Otherwise, I don't want to do it at all. But I want to be with someone that at least kind of wants the same things in the future. So he doesn't really think that he knows.

And so I'm just like, how long is it going to take for him to figure that out? You know, and then I'm getting older. And so I just, you know, would like to have some sort of certainty in a way, I think. Yeah. You sound very confident when you're talking to us about this. And I would encourage you to take that into your conversation with him. Like, leave the coy stuff behind. Like Chelsea said, be super direct and be like, here's where I'm at.

This is what I'm looking for in my five-year plan, whatever, you know, quote unquote. But this is what I'm looking for in the near future. Is that something you want as well? And I know is okay. Yeah. And the reason I brought up the age things, because sometimes when I do come at him direct, it's almost like he can kind of talk back to me in a way where he acts like he is older than me and knows more than me, which he does. But I'm feeling like that's becoming more of an issue. Well, and you're not 23. Yeah, you're 33. Yeah. And another thing to remember is, you know, when you are breaking up with someone, like

to not think about what you're losing, but to think about the adventures that you're about to embark on. Like there's so much coming up for you when you say goodbye to a situation. It doesn't matter if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. You're like up for new stuff all the time happening. You need to focus on that when you're breaking up instead of women who focus on, I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be alone.

I'm going to be alone. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him. You're going to be with yourself and you're going to have a good time and you're going to go out with your friends and family and whatever makes you happy. And if you want to stay in bed for three days, you're also going to be able to do that. But it's not the end of the world for any of us as we're learning. Relationships are an opportunity to do it the right way. When you're leaving someone, do it with style and grace and no anger and be like, all right, party on. And if you guys end up back together, great. And if you don't, even better. Yeah, that is true. And it's sometimes hard to make that decision. I mean,

like I was thinking about it, is it harder to break up with someone or to be broken up with? The age-old question, I don't know. I think I prefer to be broken up with, yes. But I mean, until I don't, until I'm broken up with him, then I won't like it at all. When are you going to have this conversation with him, you think? Well, I did tell him that I was going to be talking to you guys. And so he was joking and he said, well, great. He's like, no, no, I'm going to have to say she talked to Chelsea Handler and now she broke up with me because Chelsea told her. Yeah, that is already a thing, I think, that's out there.

Man, I can't go anywhere alone with men. I need security at all times. Men hate me so much. Well, tell him we actually said shit or get off the pot. Just say Chelsea said this doesn't have to be an angry or a combative conversation. She just thinks we should both be as completely honest as possible. And if his honesty is that he really doesn't know, then you have to find somebody who does know. Yeah.

And I mean, that tough part about it is that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way. So it's hard to differentiate the two of those. You know, logically, this makes sense. But then emotionally, it's like we do love each other. So to make that decision is tough because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I know of. But yeah. Well, give us an update as soon as you have a conversation with him. And then also like when you kind of figure out what's next for you or if he decides to man up and wants the same future as you do.

And emotions, like you're talking about practicality or practical things and emotions like emotions aren't thoughts. They are feelings. You know, it's what you do with that feeling that becomes the thought of your emotion. So while you could be missing somebody and grieving them, you can still be excited about the possibilities beyond that relationship. Yeah, that is true. Well, yes, I'll keep you guys posted. And thank you so much. My mom got tickets to your show in October in D.C. Oh, fun. OK, cool. I'll see her then. Thanks so much, Christina. Thank you guys so much. Bye.

I guess she's adorable. She's so sweet. Well, Chelsea, we have our calling in backup segment today. And I want to say thanks to our partners at BetterHelp for sponsoring this segment. Yes, thank you, BetterHelp. And today we're joined by Courtney Cope. They're a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. Hi, Courtney. Hello there. Well, our first question comes from Anne. Dear Chelsea, within the past six months, I've had a resurgence of self-care and a new outlook on health and fitness.

I've been exercising and eating healthy, and for the first time ever, I'm seeing health and fitness as an act of self-love and nourishment rather than trying to change my body or punish myself. My best friend is at a really low point in her life. She previously struggled with disordered eating and exercising, and all around is just not in a place in her life where she's ready to get back into it, which I fully respect. Here's the thing. We have a previous history of using each other as excuses to go out and get hammered and not take care of ourselves, and I'm outgrowing that need. My struggle is that I'm very determined and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing my lifestyle, and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a

workout class or not drink so much when we go out, she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously. I've tried to get her to join my workout classes with me, but she's not at a place where she can afford a gym membership either. Whenever she suggests going somewhere to eat, I want to bring up that yes, I'd love to, but I'm trying to eat healthier and would rather just eat the food I have at home, but I worry about triggering her ED or making her feel bad about herself when it's really not about her at all. How can I make it clear that this isn't just a phase? This is just something I'm really trying to accomplish and I'm loving. How can I get her to take me seriously and see that this is self-love without triggering her and making her feel bad for

where she's at in life? Is it possible? Am I in the wrong? Thanks so much for all you do, Anne. This is such a layered question. And the thing that came to mind was the concept of seasonality in friendships and how sometimes there are seasons where we're in step and we're doing all the same things. We're going to the same places. We're listening to the same music. We have the same hobbies. And then there are seasons where we begin to kind of diversify our interests or it changes. Our circumstance changes. Maybe we move away. Maybe we get a different job. All these kinds of things. So what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a slightly different season potentially than her friend. And I just want to, first of all, reassure the listener above all, this type of experience is totally common and super normal for friendships. Yeah. And I also think there's a way to sort of get the train on your tracks. So, you know, if you don't want to go out and you do want to eat the food you have at home, invite her over. You know, invite her over for whatever healthy thing you want to make and whatever healthy drink you want to drink if you're drinking. But there's also ways to find a restaurant that has really healthy options.

And also just try not to shove it down her throat so much. Like you're making it seems like you're making a lot of proclamations about what you're doing. Sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without advertising them. I think that's a very good point. Right. Like let your actions speak for yourself. Because I did hear, you know, the question was, what do I do so that she doesn't, you know, feel bad or she might question? And it's like, well, if you're just doing it, right, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, it's really hard for people to make comments about it or, you know, be upset that you're doing it. It's like you're just out there doing it.

Chelsea, what do you think about, you know, she mentions that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort of blows it off. That, to me, feels like a little bit of an insecurity thing. Well, it just feels like that another reason to stop making proclamations. She's not taking you seriously. You can't make someone take you seriously by repeating what they're not taking you seriously about. So keep it to yourself. I know you want it to be a long term thing. It's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and then you don't quit. You know, it's like the dynamic. If you don't stick to this, of course, you want to stick to this. You want to make lifestyle changes, but give it a year. And when those changes are permanent, then you can start espousing your, you know, what happened and everything. but it's easy to not take someone seriously when they're into something new. So I wouldn't even put that on her friend so much. I would just like, unless it's mean or whatever, she's not in that situation. So of course she doesn't want you drinking less and dieting. That's not fun for her. So I wouldn't put too much weight on it. I would just say, do your thing. And if she could come along with you for some of that, great. And you know, if you take some time apart during this

time, that's also fine. Right. That's a total typical part of adult relationships. And even just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend and not even bring some of these things into the mix just plan things like events that are not food related so going to a museum go to the movies go roller skating or go to on a picnic but like bring your own food and instead of like oh we'll go out and we'll find a place like focusing on things that will allow you to have parallel play enjoy the activity you're doing without making it about going out drinking alcohol, indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to kindle that friendship and keep it intimate. Cause that's the other thing I hear is there is an aspect of worrying of losing this

friendship or them becoming more distant because they used to go out and use each other. She says, we use each other for excuses to like make unhealthy habits and go out drinking. So if you just transition your friendship to, we find meaning doing these other things now that allows it to be more of an easeful transition. Yeah. And I like that suggestion because it's not like, hey, why don't we go for a hike? It's like, let's go to a museum, which is like still active, but it's not like, hey, we're going to go for a run or we're going to go to a spin class or whatever. I feel like usually the advice is to sort of be really honest and open and confront the person. But in this case, that's not necessary. And in fact, like

taking it a notch back. I would say the only caveat to potentially having a conversation with your friend is, you know, she does mention triggering her friend's disordered eating. And so if that is a true concern and she wants to make sure she doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment, she could ahead of time just say something casual like, hey, you know, before they're together, text her, give her a call, say like, hey, is now a time for me to talk you about something important, great. So I just want to let you know that I am making some changes in my life and I just want to make sure that these changes, because I know we've bonded in the past over going out drinking and maybe making some choices that we were like, oh, that wasn't the

healthiest choice for us. I'm just going to be making different choices. And I just want to give you a heads up because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship. And I want to make sure we're finding fun things to do moving forward. That would be my caveat if she genuinely is concerned about triggering her friend. But otherwise, I think it's totally fine to just live your life. Exactly what Chelsea was saying, like live your life, go out, be about it, don't talk about it. And then if conflict arises down the road or her friend's like, how come you're not going out with me anymore? Or how come, you know, you keep turning me down? Then you can have a conversation about it because then that's really about the connection of the friendship versus the

actual food or drinks that they're consuming. Yeah, for sure. And thank you for writing in. And of course, thank you to our calling and backup sponsor, BetterHelp, and to Courtney Cope, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. Thank you. Thanks, Courtney. Bye-bye. Bye. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with some matchmaking. Can you please not sing matchmaking? I can't help it. Can you please not? I know we'll be right back behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunch box come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're

done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters,

then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita,

we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita,

trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself.

So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back with matchmaking. That's how we're saying it. Matchmaking. Every time you sing matchmaking, three hard-boiled eggs fly out of your mouth. well chelsea we're here with our first matchmaking folks candidates so he wants to be hooked up this guy yes okay and you know we had talked about doing an episode about this but i thought we

could potentially make this a recurring segment so we can match make more people yeah i mean i'm over here just like dreaming of all the love that's going to happen and like hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things. So I'm way down in the future. I'm picking out curtains for everybody. Also, that might be tough with all the game and you're going to connect. They can adapt. By the way, speaking of matchmaking, there's a bunch of child-free and crushing it shirts available on our website in addition to Dear Chelsea merch. We designed a child-free and crushing it shirt, which has been our biggest tour seller. So I'm sure some of the callers would like that. That's amazing. I love that. ChelseaHandler.com.

Well, our first person to match is Patrick. And I thought how we'd go about this is we are going to, at the end of this, give people his Instagram so people can slide right into his DMs if Patrick sounds like someone you might be interested in. So Patrick, by the way, when I first chatted with him, he was at his ex's house walking his ex's jog. And he said, I know you just had an episode saying don't do that anymore. I said, it depends on the situation. But it seems like it was a positive. Oh, OK. He says, I recently wrote in an email to say every time I felt like I needed to write in, I listened to your podcast and found my answer to highly specific situations. From wanting to fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing, should I buy a car or if I should buy land or make a career move, your podcast has steered me in the best direction.

Nowadays, everything in my life is going pretty fucking swimmingly. I'm a successful visual artist, not the starving kind, an uncle, a great friend, fucking funny, and I'm a sweet-ass dog dad, but the right guy just hasn't come along. I've got my shit together therapy-wise, and I'm definitely of the same mindset as you when you say, when you're healthy, you'll attract healthy. I'm on the apps, I've gone on dates, and it's been a healthy amount of time since I've had a relationship, but I think the universe was waiting for our paths to align so that Chelsea can just say, oh fuck, let's set this bitch up with someone perfect. Problem solved.

P.S. I'm 34, gay AF, and First Nation, which is Native American to you. XO Patrick. And Patrick is going to be joining us. Hi, how are you? Hi, I'm so good. I'm just going to put this on do not disturb. Good luck getting it off of that.

So what kind of guy are you looking for, Patrick? What interests you? Are you open? Do you have very specific expectations? Tell us. I'm quite broad and tall. So I think someone like a little bit more broad and tall like myself. I am half Native American and I can't grow a beard.

So someone that has a beard, you know, a chest hair or two would be sick. are you a top or a bottom does that matter i'm like a little bit both oh your verse your verse yeah yeah i wanted to use that in a sentence for a while you're welcome thank you patrick i know i've told chelsea that you were walking your ex's dog when we met yeah what's your relationship history how many relationships have you had and how for how long well i'm 34 i am gonna be 35 this year and i've had maybe like five relationships since i was like 20 you know one for like a couple years one for a year one for like six months eight months and then like one night stands and fun in between yeah yeah for sure and have you ever had a really

really bad breakup yeah it was yeah I think like the first ones when you're really young you kind of don't really know how to react and especially being a gay person that came out at 20 like straight people always have years ahead of us in terms of like being able to date people for like since they were you know kind of kids so I just didn't have the right kind of foundation to deal with it but that was like 12 years ago I'm good now yeah that's good and have you been to therapy are you do you go to therapy are you into any of that yeah totally the last one I was like okay so I have a pattern of just breaking up with dudes and just kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting. And I was like, you know what, these are all great people. Like I kind of,

I don't want to kind of continue this pattern. So I went to therapy and my ex and I are friends, like in a, in a positive way, I would say. So that's why I was babysitting the dogs and my dog and his dog are dating. So like, you know, we have to stay in touch. And are you, do you, would you say you have a strong personality, like mild personality? How would you describe yourself? I would say I have been told I'm quite even keel. I used to go out a lot. I kind of like I live in Toronto, Canada, but I'm building a house up north like seven hours away, kind of on the lake. So I do like coming back to the city for some excitement, but then it's fucking nice to leave, too. OK, so let's say three words to describe

yourself. What would you say? OK, fun, adventurous and solid. Amazing. And because this is an audio medium, just to describe him, he's got a full head of hair, nice dark hair. He's beefy. He's sexy. He's got a cute tank on that I think he designed, right, Patrick? I did for Pride a couple of years ago. I love that. Yeah, I would have sex with you if you were straight. So there you go. If he would have sex with you. The endorsement we're looking for.

And he has a great laugh. What more do you need? But we should also say your location. And also you have a vacation home, it sounds like, which is great. Which is a great way to get people in. That's a great lure. I'm building it it's it's coming along um I yeah I'm an artist and graphic designer and I have had my own business the last eight nine years and it's kind of mind-blowing to myself even that I'm like able to build a house but that's so cool here we go yeah and you are Toronto-ish yeah Toronto is it's where my clothes are but I I'm like I said I'm kind of up north a

lot just to get out of the city especially in the summer it's fucking hot as shit here I didn't have time to go get my AC before I got back here. So I'm like a little bit damp at the moment. But thank you for not saying moist. I truly appreciate it. But now I've said, yeah, it's a gross word. Well, I have three little dating game questions. Oh, look who came for pepperonis.

Maybe we add some little game show music under this. Maybe if we want to get wild. okay so our first question is our weekend plans have just gotten rained out what are we doing instead we are watching movies and cooking fucking I'm sorry I had to answer that because that's my answer we're fucking pasta first and then and then the fucking yeah we need some energy that's fun fucking in the rain yeah pasta from scratch it's so much better yes all right if you found a $50 bill on the ground in a busy area, would you keep

it or try to find the owner? I wouldn't try hard to find the owner, but if there was a homeless person... That's exactly what I would say. I'd look around and then I'd be like, yeah, exactly. Give it to someone else or not think about it often. Yes. Well, he's honest, fellas.

That's what you get from him. Is it American? An American 50 or a Canadian? A water main broke and you got to leave work three hours early, which sort of doesn't apply since you work for yourself, but imagine. What do you do with your newly free time? We're taking the dog's dog. I only have one. We're taking the dog to the lake and hopefully there's a beach involved

and we're going to bring snacks and some vodka sodas. And don't forget your edibles. I will bring some just in case someone needs them. I should be an adult camp counselor. That's where I should be. Camp Chelsea. Yeah, it has to be legal adult activities. So it has to be with adults, maybe remedial adults is where I come in.

A side hustle, I can see it. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Awesome. Well, Patrick, if you want to just read out your Instagram handle. Sure. PatrickHunter underscore art is the Insta where you can find me and cute pictures of my dog and all the artwork, mostly pictures of my dog, but there is some artwork on there. Great.

And I will put that in the show notes as well. So fellows can just click and check you out and slide into the DMs. All right. I can't wait. Okay. I can't wait either. I know. This is going to be exciting. All right. I'll let you know how it goes. Okay. Bye, Patrick.

Thank you, Patrick. Over and out. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. My SUV is worth more than ever. Time to upgrade? There's never been a better time. At Plaza Auto Group, locations get top value for your trade and shop hundreds of new and pre-owned vehicles across 11 locations. And if you can't come to us, we'll come to you.

With best-in-class pricing, unbeatable trade values, and 70 years of trust, it's easy to see why families choose the Plaza Auto Group. Plaza Auto Group, celebrating 70 years family-owned and operated. Visit plazaautogroup.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of

traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits,

change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, we had some new and interesting things today, Chelsea. Remind me what they were. We had some matchmaking. Oh, yes. We had a couple of callers.

Matchmaking, this is where things are going to really hit the fan. I think things, in a good way. I think there is going to be a lot of matchmaking happening on this podcast. And especially to the people that we want to be happy. Exactly. We have so many amazing people writing in and I'm really excited to feature some more matchmake-ees. You know what would be a great match? Would be a straight woman comes on here and a straight man and they end up being soulmates. He's listening to J.R. Chelsea and he comes and meets this woman. Talk about a self-actualite. That would be like the most together guy that I know. That is true. Or the most with it.

And honestly, if he's single and he's listening to this podcast, he has the pick of the litter because there are so many straight women who listen to this podcast. Thanks so much. This has been so much fun. Okay. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Okay, guys. We have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch Tour.

I added another second show in Toronto. So I have two shows in Toronto now. December 7th, December 8th, December 9th, I'm in Ottawa. And two new shows on December 15th on a Friday. We're doing a 7.30 and 10 p.m. show with Kevin Hart and Friends. That's in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows, you can buy tickets at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm starting my tour back up on September 29th in New York City at The Beacon, which is sold out.

But the next night, there are tickets available September 30th at The Beacon. So for all fall dates, you can go to ChelseaHandler.com for tickets, and you'll see me. Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore, there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because you might hear something on the show that sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self-diagnosis. Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses, if that's important to you.

If you or your partner are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety, reach out for support, like crisis hotlines and local authorities. Have a safety plan? That can be done with a therapist, too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com, and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced.

These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast?

We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by. The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know.

That must have been why you didn't get in. Well, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh... No way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman.

I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.