Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Maybe Don’t Report Back with Emily Morse

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Sex with Emily’s Emily Morse is in the studio today to talk about finding out what you need before you can get in the mood, being present during sex, and why scheduled sex is actually the hottest sex of all.  Then: a twenty-something finds herself celibate after a herpes diagnosis.  And an expat is upset about her German boyfriend’s parenting style, especially when it comes to permissiveness about sex.  And a newly single mom needs help NOT getting back in the saddle.   * Smart Sex by Emily Morse * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burning up tour all over again. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable,

abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts did you hear the new episode of the hey jonas podcast we are at d23 so we'll see who stops by the cast of frozen stopped by kristin bell josh gad and adina menzel i auditioned for frozen what for kristoff they said okay what are you going to be singing today i said i don't know that must have been why you didn't get it oh you probably want it plus john stamos hayden christiansen from star wars and more and i guess i can share that uh no way listen to the latest episode of hey

jonas on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts hey this is hayes davenport and sean clements we host the podcast hollywood handbook each week we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other

big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Well, I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,

as you know, and I well I had a fun weekend I went to Syracuse New York to film this movie I did a cameo in this movie where I played the mother to an Asian boy so I guess that's from my relationship with Joe Coy maybe I don't know but it was a surprise when I met him which you know it was great and then I came down to the city because I have shows this weekend and there is a fire in Canada and they are telling people in New York City not to go outside and to limit your time outside because The air quality is so bad. It is so ominous looking in the city. It is what I imagined it must have looked like after 9-11. There is this, like, smoke and haze that is just covering the city. It is brown. Like, it is a light that I have never seen. And it is very apocalyptic. Do you feel it, like, in your lungs when you're outside?

Well, I'm not outside because you can't really. I'm just getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next. So, yeah, it's really, really scary. And this is what our future is going to be like. A bunch of fires and smoke and not being able to go outside for days at a time. Yeah. And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine? Well, I am currently recording from a car because my power went out.

So here we are. We're just, you know, the show must go on. I feel like the world is ending right now and may end during this recording. That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this last week, and we had a lovely time. We just did super girly stuff like shopping. We got our nails done. We got our hair done.

Picked out some makeup at Sephora. It was adorable. It was just so much fun. That's nice. Yeah. That's cute. I'm glad. Yeah.

So what's your weekend? Well, I'm going to go see a play tomorrow night that I'm excited about. Oh, no. It's not a play. It's a girls' stand-up show. My friend Natasha Lyonne is directing this show. Oh, fun. So she texted me, and she was like, we need people to come.

And I was like, oh, okay. So I'm rallying the troops, and I'm going to go see that tomorrow. I love watching other stand-ups when I don't know them. Amazing. You know what I mean? I love watching new stand-up. It's, like, so inspiring. Because all those people that we've had on, like, Otsuko, Mateo, it's so nice to be around them and spend time with them.

Like, I have this whole group of, like, young comics in my life that I just love being around because it just is so original. You're around newness, you know what I mean? I love newness. I like anything new. But it's been so nice to be, like, one of them was like, you've been such a supporter of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of oomph in stand-up, too. Like, being around people who are fresh and excited about it and new about it.

And doing something different and have a different vibe. Yeah. Vanessa, my number one stunner who opens for me on all my tour dates. And if you've seen me on Little Big Bitch Tour or actually Vaccinated and Horny, she was with me, too, because now we're inseparable because I've declared her to be my daughter and I'm her mother. She's my ee-haw. I gave birth to her when I was 12.

And yeah, that's what I've got going on, girl. Oh, we added some more stand-up dates, too. So we added Portland, Boston, added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles, and some other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows. And I won't, I'm going to try because of scheduling, because I have something after this tour. If there are tickets available in your city and you want to come to the show, buy them. Because I probably won't be adding second shows again because of scheduling. You got some traveling to do this summer.

Oh, that's right, girl. I'm getting ready. I gotta get my condoms ready. Chelsea, I am having a little bit of a problem at home. You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings. And let's just put it this way. Lottie and Wendell really like to hump. They like to hump. They like to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets really, really into it. I don't know whether just to like let them be dogs or to try and break it

up. I usually like ask them to stop, but it's they just wrestle in this way. That's really uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to say about that. I don't know what happens with sexual assault among dogs how you handle such things i know and i'm like you're a literal sibling to like it he loves it he it's it's actually horrifying he'll like put his little paw on the back of her head and like go crazy it's while she's giving him a blowjob basically it's and then sometimes like mimsy will get behind lottie this sounds like i'm making it up but it's really like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household and i'm really uncomfortable with it oh i don't want to see my dogs have sex either.

Bernice is with us today, though, right? She is! Bernice, are you a sexy object? She is. Only to me, because I can't. She's such a ball of fluff. She was so excited to come for a ride today. She is incredible. And she's just like a peach. She's just sitting down there being adorable.

I know. And then my little, and then my houseman, Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little, he just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you have her? That's what's going on in my house. She's just escaped she's running wild okay do you know where you are uh you stole your own dog today no she is incredible i wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on her or she was going

down on someone else i wouldn't like that at all especially if it were brother sister action no but the dogs aren't really related just the the other two just the little two but mimsy she has never humped another dog in her whole seven years but she like loves to hump lottie and it's just a lot. It's just a lot. Yeah, it sounds like it. Well, speaking of sex, simulated or otherwise, our guest today is pretty exciting. She's the host of the award-winning number one sexuality podcast, which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on the air for nearly two decades. And you can pre-order her book, which is called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Own Pleasure. That comes out June 13th. And she brought a lot of toys for both of us, Catherine.

Excellent. So we can just all go. After this, we usually thruple up because that's her husband over there. And I have intercourse with both of them on the regular. It's a good time. We're all Mennonites. So that's what we practice. Okay.

So, Emily, hi. Nice to see you. I'm so happy to see you. You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex, whether you have a partner or whether you don't. Exactly. Talk to us about what you discuss in your new book. Okay. My new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.

So for 20 years, I've been talking to people about sex and dating and love. And I started this because I was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid-30s. I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because I didn't have – it's too hard to explain to somebody what to do when you don't know them that well. And if you're having casual sex with someone, it's just like now as a woman, I know what to say. That's good. As a younger person. I wasn't even, I was in my mid thirties though, Chelsea.

I was like, I was having a lot. And I just thought that it was, I thought it was just me. I didn't realize it was like almost 20 years ago. And I realized that nobody was talking about sex. And so I started a podcast and started interviewing people about their sex life, relationship, went back to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized now after all these years, it was a lot of the same questions every single day from people saying,

how do I have an orgasm what's wrong with my penis people want a quick fix when it comes to sex they're like can I can I buy a vibrator that's gonna help me can I use lube that might help you but what this book is really about is that sex as wellness sex has always been like the bastard child of the of the health and wellness industry they're like oh sex should just be something that magically works for you but I created these five pillars of sexual health and wellness for example one is embodiment like am i in my body during sex my health affects it as well like if i'm on a certain medication i'm going to be dry if i'm certain time of life so the book kind of walks you through all these pillars so it's embodiment in bodies being like in this moment i'm feeling

like it's a lot of meditation stuff too because most of the questions i get asked people are like i'm distracted during sex i can't really feel i'm numb i'm fantasizing about someone else which all that happens and it's not a terrible thing but when we really want to be connected have great sex. Like my quest is like, what does just great sex mean? And so I realized that the pillars are like being in your body, even if it's just for a minute saying, okay, like I'm looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes, we're breathing together, my hands are on their body. Like usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one of the pillars is like, can I be present even for a minute? And I know you meditate. I meditate as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm

distracted and fantasizing about something else, I just kind of take my five senses and I'll say, what am I smelling right now? What am I hearing right now? What am I feeling? I'm feeling my hands on their body and it immediately grounds me in the moment. So it has some of those practices. One of the top questions is why can't I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication you're taking. It could be trauma, unhealed trauma. So this kind of helps people realize they're like, oh, if I had trauma 20 years ago or something happened to me, that might be impacting my ability to orgasm. Or I might be on the birth control pill. I might be on antidepressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed

into this area where like, well, it was amazing at the beginning. Why can't it always be wonderful? And so I kind of help people figure out like, no, it could be your birth control. It could be your blood pressure medication. So that's the second one. The third one is self-knowledge. Like how well do I know myself? Like I know that if I walk into my partner or any partner and I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold, if it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind, I'm not going to be aroused and turned on and ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my pillars and diagnose myself sometimes. We're like, why aren't I turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're, do you ever feel like you're not in the mood for sex and you don't know why?

Yes, all the time. So this is going to help. I mean, in a relationship, especially that happens, I think more frequently than it does when you're in single because you don't have to, you're not up against having to have sex. Right. And most people, I think after a while, they don't want to in a relationship. And I, And we think that we should just be turned on like a drop of hat and then we're not. So I think about like if it's, yeah, like things are a mess. It's freezing in my house.

I don't feel great in my body. I haven't exercised. So that's one thing. The other one is like self-acceptance and that's like confidence. Like how do I feel? Like when you walk around all day, and I'm sure, I know you hear this from people, if we hate our bodies, like we're like, oh God, I don't feel great. I don't want to be naked in front of anybody.

Why do we think we're going to be able to like strip down, get naked and be ready to go if all day long i am like not feeling good about it so i have like mantras and things people can do to feel a little bit more confident or just realize that's one area that i got to work on and the fifth one is collaboration and that's the that's the big one like most people chelsea do not talk about sex to their partners at all and they expect them to be mind readers and i have a lot of tools how to awkward conversations about sex because again people just expect like it's just uh gonna be great and i teach people how to have like give feedback Like, you ever been with someone and you're like, it's just really, I wish that they would go down on me more, for example.

I wish they would kiss me slowly. Why are they pounding away at me like a jackhammer again? How do I tell them to stop? And so I have tips for, like, talking about your fantasies and making it hot. Yeah, because I think what most people come up against, I think, is the pressure of when you're in a long-term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off. and you expect sex to remain or be the same as it was in the beginning, it's very unlikely that that stays the same, although there are exceptions to everything.

I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because people aren't easily able to express what they want from a partner for fear mostly of hurting that person's feelings. Exactly. It's all fear-based. We are so afraid that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner is going to reject us, that most people are mute and they silently walk through sex because we always go back to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition.

It lasts six months to two years in every relationship. That will be the hottest sex. Like, I'm sorry to say you're never going to go back to that stage where you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But most of us are so attached to that phase that we're like, well, I got to get back to that. And I want people to know, like, you're not. It's never going to be as great as it was.

However, we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting people to think about, like, what can i do if i know i gotta work on my arousal i gotta figure out how to tell my partner that this is what i need to be turned on it might be a toy it might be lube it might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is and so just kind of like hack your own arousal because we know sex is important i had an interesting situation with somebody once where they were very aggressive with me not in a sexy way like in a slobbery way and this was somebody i dated for a little bit But, you know, and we had a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex.

But there were times where this person would just over kiss me like, you know, too much. And I couldn't figure out the right language of how to address it because it was like it was just sloppy to me. Like it wasn't romantic. It wasn't sexy. I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a face rape, like an attack. And what I said to the person was it was a him. What I said to him was, hey, give me space to come to you. Like, let me come to you. Like, I want to be initiate. I want to initiate.

When you're kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because I'm just receiving. And how did that go over? I mean, it went over. I was more, I mean, it went over fine. He got it. Well, no, because he got it in the moment, but he didn't get it long term. See, this is the, right. Okay.

So this is like the long term solutions in here that you can continue. My always thing is like talk about outside the bedroom and not in the moment because Uh-huh. Right, right, right, right. So I don't know about you. I grew up with shame around sex. I had no sex education. And I felt like if I had to bring up sex to my partner, they brought it to me. A lot of us, at least I did. I go in fight or flight. I'm like, what did I do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina. You hate my... And so just realize people like, it's okay. We're not used to people talking about sex and kind of giving people tools to talk about it. Like outside the bedroom, we're not

talking about sex in the bedroom. Okay. That's good to know. Yeah. Well, that's too vulnerable. Part of them is like it's too vulnerable and like save it for sleeping and for sex if you can. Well, it's also like when you're fighting. It's better to talk about a fight sometimes after it's happened, not while you're in it. And like you just let that diffuse. And then after, when you're both a little bit calmer, you can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah, blah, blah. But, yeah, sex is tricky because people have a lot of issues around it and body and our bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.

Yeah, exactly. there's the insecurity and also since nobody is really talking about if you think about we talk about like yes I had sex I didn't have sex but we're not really into like what is actually what do we actually need to be aroused and turned on clearly there's an erection there and maybe they'll come in and I'm like I'm not even I'm still finishing my work email I'm not even ready to go and then I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused and I'm not and then I realized in this book through my self-knowledge and figuring out what I wanted it's like oh I need to have downtime before I even see you.

I need to have showered. And I keep bringing this up because, like, I realize when my house is freezing now, like, I will not be in the mood for sex if it's dirty, if someone else's sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to, like, kind of hack my arousal, if you will. So I know that all these things need to happen, and not, like, to be, like, high maintenance, but just take the pressure off myself that I'm always going to be aroused. Set yourself up to win. Yeah, and tell my partner that, too. Yeah, yeah. Set your partner up for winning, too.

I mean, you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings. You're not demanding something. You're saying, this is what I would prefer. This is what's going to help me get in the mood or be more attracted to you or be more apt to have sex. One of the things that happens in our bedroom is I, for a while, was shamed by my husband for wearing socks during sex. He does that all the time with all three of us, actually, which is really inappropriate. It's true. It's true.

But I just found it was like it makes me more comfortable. It makes me more, I don't know. maybe it's like I'm when he does no when I wear socks I have to wear socks because my toes get cold but then I finally read that women actually can have a higher likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're not distracted by cold feet or whatever the thing is the dirty sheets the I'm the opposite I want my feet out and free because I need I don't like warmth I see like you're saying your house is cold I would be grossed out if I walked in and the house was too warm. Okay. So this is what I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we just

assume that it should just work for us. So I had to like, through the self-knowledge and I do give people in smart sex, the step that I give like a question to people, they can say, do I know that I need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand? I need to have done something fun with them. I have like physical touch or I need all of these certain things to happen because otherwise it's just the sex isn't going to happen. So yeah. And also people should be better at reading the room and see if it's an appropriate time right like yeah and and if somebody's tired exhausted came home from the gym is you know like those aren't the moments to go in on someone and be like oh like you know you have to be able to read your partner and see when they're open to that and

when you should give them a little bit of space yeah exactly yeah and then figuring out figuring out when they need space but also figuring out when is the right sex time for sex to happen so like i know that it's not going to happen for me 10 o'clock at night most nights i'm exhausted i'm in bed I'm doing my thing I don't so my partner comes home late they want to have sex so I'm rejected I'm like no that's not what I want to have sex so then I had to figure out well when do I want sex most partners have mismatched libidos like just to want to set that up there is always in every relationship there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner and unfortunately two high desire partner and two low desire partners never come together

they just don't so then you gotta like troubleshoot so if I tell my partner I'm like don't even try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you again. Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay, late afternoons is great. Early Saturday mornings might be great. But all these other times aren't, or even scheduling sex. And people think that's the least sexy thing on the planet. Not for two type A anal retainsive people.

That's probably exactly what they want. Right. No, but people, right, that's true. They could, but some people are like, I don't want to look at my calendar and be like, pick up drug cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner. You don't want to see that. But then you know, though, Saturday night, tonight, I can shave, I can breathe, I can

clean the house, whatever the things you need to make sure that that night that you have sex, you can do all the, whether it's fantasize, whether it's knock one out beforehand, masturbate, all the things you got to do, the toys are charged so you can be ready and not leave it up for chance. And you think that this seems, obviously, what most people are, I get hundreds of questions a week from people. And that's the point. I was like, I got to just have people figure out themselves because I can't, you guys can't

talk. Don't you want to answer every email you get? I feel that I do. Yes, absolutely. And I can't. And then it's the same thing. I'm like, this is going to help people. Smart sex will help people go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh, this is why I can't get a boner.

This is why I'm not turned on. And so, you know, I want to put power in the people's hands if it cracked their own codes of sexuality. Yeah, because, like, it turns me on when I'm in a relationship and I go to the guy. I initiate. That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming at me all the time, hitting on me all the time, trying to have sex with me all the time, that is a turn off. You know, I'm the type of person like when I'm meeting you and you make the first move.

Yes. But once you're in a relationship and that's how a lot of people feel like, well, I want it to be my idea. I want to go to you like that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look or putting their hand your hand on them and like, yeah, let's go. It's like and then, you know, usually obviously the reception is good, but I would like to be able to do more of that especially my next relationship i want that good and so see this is so good that you know that that's a self-knowledge portion and most people don't even

know that much they've never even thought about it but to be able to say to your partner in a loving way of all these like ways that people can do like their tone right and like timing and the tone to have these conversations but to be able to say you know what i really love being the one that initiates so it doesn't mean that like i don't want you to initiate but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like that's going to be on me and i want you to know it's coming but right now for the next week please don't initiate well there's this also this fallacy that if you talk about sex too much you're losing like you know the sexiness of it and i would argue that that's exactly the opposite of the truth like the more communication you have about anything

the more on the same page that you and your partner can be so the difficult conversations that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know if you gather up the courage to have the conversation, you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely. It can be hot. I mean, and that becomes, because what we mostly crave in long-term relationships is novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get over the shame, the stress, in the book, I talk about the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.

Those are the three things that are keeping us from having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, okay, I'm going to get rid of my hangups around sex. Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like, you're talking about, like, where are you going on summer vacation or where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we try this position? Should we try this new toy? And it is hot.

It's not – it doesn't have to be like this, I can't believe we talked about it too much. And now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens. Yeah. Agreed. Agreed. Yay. Well, let's jump to some callers and solve some people's problems, shall we?

Okay. Do we need to take a quick break? Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Emily and Chelsea. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers?

Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters,

then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita,

we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita,

trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself.

So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. my ex-boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes bummer i'll spare you the statistics i know

what a jerk i'll spare you the statistics but genital herpes is pretty common and it shouldn't be a big deal i'm hesitant writing this but the compassion and honesty with which you've responded to others has made me feel like you might have something to say about the topic that would be helpful not only to me but to anyone else dealing with this i was devastated for a long time but life moved on. I got a dog, moved to a different city, and I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and passionate about, and I'm surrounded by people who make me feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways except for one. I haven't had sex or really any type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle the fear and shame that I was left with, I decided I

just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality at the ripe old age of 25. In truth, my sex drive have just disappeared when this happened, and I haven't really had any interest in sex, solo or otherwise. I've been in therapy for years, and I've healed immensely. I even managed to go on a few first dates here and there, but it never went further than that. I want a life partner, and I want to want a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone. How do I get past this and allow myself to have a partner and the relationship I deserve. Sarah.

Hi, Sarah. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome.

Well, thank you for calling in. And this is our special guest. Emily is here today. She writes about sex. And she does a podcast about sex. And she is all about sex positivity. So this is the perfect episode for you. Nice to meet you.

Got you. Yeah, Sarah. Hi. Nice to meet you, too. So first I want to say that having herpes is really common. It's not a death sentence to your sex life. One in three people have herpes, by the way, just so you know. One in three people.

Yeah. And they don't really, a lot of people don't talk about it. They don't disclose it. And in fact, Sarah, a lot of people have it and they don't even know it. And they're spreading it and it's a whole thing. But what I have found is that when you do disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that you told them. You let them know that maybe you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what kind of medication you're on right now.

And really the chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is very, very slim. So I actually look, and hopefully people are getting this knowledge, that it's actually, I'd rather be with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like, this is what I got. I've had chlamydia once. You're like, great. You actually are somebody who prioritizes your health. And a partner who you actually would want to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody who also cares about her health and who knows how to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised how many partners you're going to find.

They're going to be like, great, no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too because I hear this from many of my listeners all the time that once they actually were real about it with somebody, that 9 out of 10 partners were like, cool, thanks for telling me. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go to dinner. What are we doing?

Let's get in bed. Like it's not what you think. So I hope when you can find the courage to go out there and start to talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common and it's going to be okay. And there's so many people whose sex lives get even better because now you have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all. I got zero secrets.

This is who I am. And once you tell one person, it's not going to be that big of a deal. You're going to get better at telling people. And also something you need to understand is you don't need to tell somebody that on the first date. You're not sleeping with them probably. Or are you?

No, no, not. Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean, you haven't had sex in three years. So it would be crazy for you to just start right away. Well, not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you. so you don't have to tell somebody right away you can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship and then sit down and also characteristically that says a lot about you

to be upfront and honest with a person they're going to look at that and be like before you have sex with them you can tell them but also you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak correct correct right so and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and it's not a big deal Like, it doesn't fucking matter. All you have to do is be mindful of other people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody, obviously. But you can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something that one in three people in the world, in the world, are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know, you're going to probably tell somebody who's going to be like, oh, God, I have it too.

Yeah. That happens a lot, by the way. Don't tell me too. So I really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things. I understand, I think, reading between the lines of your letter and what you're saying is that it's been so long since you've been out there that it's harder to get back in, right? Because you don't have the kind of language or experience other than the bunch of dates that you went on, which I also think is a really good thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating. because, you know, it takes the pressure off when you have a lot of experience with it. You don't have to look at every date as like, oh my God, is this going to be the one?

It's more of like, oh, let me see if I even like this person. The more sex you have, the more sex you want to have. And I think that goes for solo play as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy to be like, cool, that's on the back burner, kind of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try that are like taking a nice bath that are sensual and sexual.

And like, maybe you're not even trying to have an orgasm, But just like starting to prime the pump for yourself with that and getting back into like some solo play before you try venturing out in the world. So true. Huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's the truth. Sometimes we're in relationships and we think like or we're dating.

We're like, oh, I'm going to save myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing. We usually were not. So it's like going to the gym. Like you got to keep it going. So solo sex, loving yourself, it's going to have a way that you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy. And then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to be flowing and you're going to be a little bit more embodied. Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I think that kind of

was what I was thinking with going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared. And then it makes it difficult for me to make the right call. Do I want to go on another date. Is there anything there? And I feel like this was not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way it did. Yeah. Well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental game on yourself. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I think this is much more of a mental thing than anything else. Do you can I

ask you, do you masturbate? Not really. Like there you should start because if you want to get that sex drive going right, like the way to keep like my friend was talking, I should say her name, but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness the other day and we were all laughing at her. And cause her doctor was like, the way to prevent vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like, she's like, I can't have sex with my husband because my vagina is too dry. I'm like, well, that's your vagina is too dry. Cause you won't fucking have sex with your husband. So stop blaming him. And it's you like, you know, like one thing leads to the other. So I think just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality. And that does mean masturbating.

You know what I mean? Spend time masturbating, use a toy or whatever, whatever gets you going. Just start doing that because then you're exuding also a more sexual energy and you're going to you're more apt to feel chemistry with other people. Once your sexuality is vibrating, because right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to wake it up. Right. And so that starts with you. You're taking all the right steps, going on dates. you're in therapy, start masturbating. And I mean, I don't think I've ever given this advice before. I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher. I'm like a loop pusher. I'm a toy pusher because it's true. Like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like when you're masturbating, do the, like, you know, the kegels

or like everyone prescribes, do a kegel. Like now you'll do it now. Cause I'm saying it, but that is literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor, if you just like right now, squeeze it like you're like hello you're connected to it so when you're even throughout the day like you take a few deep breaths you're like I'm going to squeeze it that wakes it up that's the kundalini that's the energy that's going to start to flow because right now it's like dormant because of the fear and trauma you had from this diagnosis these three years you've been in your head I'm not sexual not sexual but you're 25 years old like your whole sexual life is ahead of you so like I'm not worried we're not like at all worried it's more like getting more touch getting embodied

breathing masturbating and continue to go on these dates with people because it is a muscle and the more it's like you know going to the gym like maybe you went a lot to the gym three years ago it's been three years you go then you start going back you go back for five minutes of time then 10 minutes you're like oh yeah i'll move my body again the same thing goes for sex and for dating and then yeah you don't have to tell anyone right away like when you start to feel it's getting that place maybe the second or third date you get like oh by the way and also here's the other thing when you are disclosing it it's not like we need to talk you got to be like hey yeah by the way i want you to know that i have herpes and so i take a daily suppressant which means that it's like not

going to, if there's like 1% chance it could transfer, but that's not the case. I just want you to know that. Any questions? You know what I mean? Like casual, not like, oh my God, death sentence. Nope. That's it. Do you have anything? And would you have anything to tell me about your sex life? Like anything that you want to talk about sexually? Like that just shows that you have a growth mindset around sex, that you are cared about your sexual health. And to me that shows like, oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about my health because you're sharing it. And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality, right? Instead of it disempowering you, you can flip the switch on it.

You have the power. I'm excited for you because I think you're going to have a big sexual awakening. Once you get the ball rolling, things are going to open up to you. You're sexy. You're beautiful. You're young. You have all of this opportunity. And the only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going to do you. You're doing herpes. You know what I Yes. Yeah. That's the way I look at drugs. Like whenever I take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me. I control you. And, and that's why I have such good experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over my

personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes. That does not define you. That's one little blip and it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing. Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself get in my head and like kind of internalize it's it's frequently the butt of a joke right like it you see it all the time on the internet and i think i have let it get in my head and one thing i guess i'm i go back and forth on is i want to wait until i feel like i'm ready to like disclose and like kind of just give myself the freedom to do that and then i'm always worried like what if they react and they're like well that's so fucked up and i wasted a bunch of dates with you and is that mine to worry about even no no but who cares like yeah yeah who cares so then

that's not the right person it's like you're worrying about things that may or may not even happen you know the only thing you can guarantee is your own behavior and that you act with a moral compass and by that it's like sharing the information with a person whom you're going to be romantic with in a long-term way even you know like if you're having a one-night stand you don't have an outbreak. Some people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail for the last three years because of some fucking asshole. So stop it. I feel like we just let her out too. I feel like we just gave you the, I feel like this is the first day of the rest of your sex

life right now. I hope it is. I'm feeling that. You need to go have sex and report back. Like tonight. Yeah, you do. Or at least masturbate and report back. Exactly. We don't need to report on your masturbation. We want you to masturbate, but we want you to also get out there, start experimenting with your sexuality to reintroduce yourself to this new sexual person that you're about to become. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. It's just helpful to hear people talking about it so yeah i mean you listen you're acting like you have cancer you don't like totally exactly you're not dying you're living so live it up okay thank you and these people can i say what they the people who show you who they are with the guys like oh i can't believe you told

me not your person like that's those people are doing you a favor when they're assholes absolutely yeah for sure for sure well thanks sarah thank you don't forget to hit us back give us an update in a few months, okay? Will do. Take care. Okay. Take care. Bye. Well, our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I am a 40-year-old woman and I've only been single for a year and a half of my entire adult life. It's not intentional. It just worked out that way. Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from my husband and father of my two-year-old that he identified as a woman and had been cheating on me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful man who I consider the love of

my life. Life circumstances led to the end of that relationship. After the initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship, I know that I need to enjoy this time being single, truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self-deprecating slump, but there is one thing I just cannot justify out of my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a slut-shamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with. Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?

Yours truly, Lynn. Hi, Lynn. Hi, Lynn. Nice. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

This is Emily, our sexpert for the day. Hi. Hi. So you're newly single, and it sounds like you don't have a lot of experience being single. Yeah, pretty much none. Okay, good. Well, it's a whole new beginning now. It's a whole new life.

Yeah, I don't want to be excited about it, except that I'm like, oh, wait, I'm celibate. That's not fun. Okay. So I do want to, you know, I think it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need to be celibate. And I do appreciate that you said, like, I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual, which is sort of this idea that, like, unless you have an actual relationship with someone or, you know, feel connected with them, you just, like, don't really have a sexual attraction to them.

Emily, you're nodding your head. Do you want to say a little more about that? Yeah. No, I'm just saying it's really common, demisexual, sapiosexual. Like, we need to have, like, an intellectual connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. I'm like, no one's expecting you to go out there and be able to bang somebody just to get the sex over with. It's okay to say, I know about myself that I'm somebody that needs a certain level of

connection and safety with somebody. So I think we could still, you could still find that, but it sounds to me like some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past tumultuous relationships that you just had, right? Previously. And so you're feeling like, well, now I either have to be celibate because there's no one out there, or I have this need that can't be met. And I think that you'll be surprised to find that you probably can't, I know you can, go out there and find new ways to meet people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection to this person?

It's okay to take a few dates and just see. And then it's okay to say that you need to know somebody before you jump in bed with them. No one's pressuring you to have casual sex in case that's what you want to have. It sounds like you already have knowledge knowing that you need that connection. I do. And I worry that I'm going to find a connection and then immediately slide into a relationship because that's been my experience in the past is it starts with a connection and sex and then all of a sudden I'm in a relationship.

You could lead with that too. You could let people, what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days. If you're on the dating apps or you're dating, like let people know right away exactly what you're willing to do, what you're looking for and where you're at. Like you can even say, you have to get into all the drama, like, oh, this guy was, so right now where I'm at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and have a connection and have something that's a little bit more casual. But I mean, this is, I have two nights a week to see you.

I have one night a week. I would like it to be like this. I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know, just, you'll find that people will say like, oh, wow, okay, well, that's either what I am looking for or not looking for. I think it's okay to be, to be clear that you're going to be surprised how many people you find that are on board with you. And I'm not even saying the first date, you got to say all

that. But when you're clear on what you want, it's, it's, it's going to be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying. In fact, I used to think that too, like, and I hear this from a lot of people, they're like, well, if I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's just a choice. That's a pattern. You're not really in love. Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you know what? What makes you feel connected is that I text him every day. It's that I see him four days a week. So you could decide that you're going to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see them once a week or you're not texting during the week, but the sex you're having is still really satisfying, but you don't

allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right? And you have accountability partners and friends and people around you and like Chelsea will be here. You can check back in. You know what I mean? Set yourself up for success this way because you know what you don't want it to look like. Yeah. What is your experience with casual sex? I've, during the year and a half that I was quote single, I dated around. So I would, you know, go on dates and maybe have sex with one or two people. I would go to sex parties. I had a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there mentally or emotionally. And is it going to be a problem for you to say, oh, OK, I'm just going to give myself six months off of having sex

with another person. What does that mean to you when you hear that? That doesn't freak me out. I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums I want to and hang out with friends without that even being an issue, without even putting myself out there to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little bit of sadness of that part of my life that I'm going to miss. Oh, I just think you can accomplish both of those things. You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available. Like that's not hard to find.

But I also just from listening to you, the fact that you've been in relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is, especially with your history

and especially with, you know, being out and about and a social person, it's pretty hard to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted to again and wanting to have sex. But I would even more focus just on this time investing in yourself and taking this kind of window that you have and being like, I'm going to do all the shit I want to do right now while I don't have to be tethered to somebody else who may or may not want to join me doing these things or prevent me from doing these things because we have to do his things or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think it's very important for all women to spend a significant amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you are and to be able to ask for the things that you want and to

understand what you do want. You know what I mean? Because you might spend six months alone and be like, whoa, this is glorious. I want this. I want to be alone for another year before I get into anything serious. Or I may not want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion you'll come to you know it's not black and white like that necessarily but it's a huge like opportunity for growth for you and you should just look at it like that instead of the things that you're missing like oh it's not like that look at all the things that you're gaining by being alone and being able to go to the museums by being able to go to movies by yourself or plays or or with friends and and not have that kind of coupledom attached to it all yeah I have to say that that

is the best. I mean, so now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was not healthy in the past and all that. Taking six months and saying, I'm going to do, I did this when I was 42. I did a manatorium. It was like a moratorium on men. I'm like, I'm not doing it for six months. And it was so freeing to be like, I don't have to think about it. I can do me. I can figure out who I am without a man in my life. Cause I kept going from one to the next and I really just wanted to figure out. And it was such a wonderful time to get to know who I am without a guy. I can go to the opera. I can go see friends. I can really think about it and I can reflect.

It gives you this open space to say what worked in the past, what didn't work in the past. And then you have so much more time. And then when you're ready, it's intentional, right? You can, you have the intentionality around, now I'm ready to step back into the dating world. And there's just, you just realize how much time you have when you're not thinking about texting someone and am I going to have sex with this person or not? Huge growth happens in the time of relationship with yourself.

I'm looking forward to that. Yeah. And Emily, you talk a lot in your book, too, about when it does come to solo sex or masturbation or those types of things, really discovering what you like happens when you're by yourself. So like that may be another thing that you want to actually really intentionally work on or is having a thriving sex life that like doesn't involve another partner for a while. Exactly. Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't think I could have G-spot orgasms, for example. I didn't think I could have multiple orgasms. I didn't even know. And I was like, I'm going to take time and figure out my own owner's manual because I

used to leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he must be able to figure it out. And like, they don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one really knows. So I might as well take the time. I got toys. I got lubes. I just kept talking about researching it.

And then I realized when I was with a partner, not only was I more embodied and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say, uh-uh, like, that doesn't work. We're not going so fast. Like, slow down. Go down on me for 30 minutes. That's what's going to work. Like, I was able to be my own best advocate. And I want that for you, too. Most of us don't take time for that at all.

So I highly encourage time alone with yourself, masturbating, and loving up on yourself. Okay. Yeah. Go home. Masturbate. Then go to a play and then go to a museum and see how you like that. Sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely Saturday, honestly.

Yeah, seriously. Okay, well, I hope we were able to help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you. Okay, take care. Thanks so much. Report back. Okay, bye. Yeah, I thought that was a really important call just because I think people think like,

oh, well, you know, my sex life is over just because I don't have a partner. And I don't think that's true. But I just don't understand. Like, everyone needs to just stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent. It's not. It's like, just because you break up and you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never going to have a boyfriend again. It doesn't work like that.

Life doesn't work like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in, embrace it and be like, OK, this is my reality for however long, because it could be a month and she could fall in love with another guy. And then she only had that month to herself. And that's a bigger issue, in my opinion. being interdependent constantly. Yes, and thinking that we're broken if we're single.

Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all?

And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month, price guaranteed for two years on Internet with a two-year term and auto-pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed,

and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters

and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone,

I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth. Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past three and a half years. We both have been previously married and have kids. I've learned

over the past two years that his parenting styles are much different than mine. Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was turning 14, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends, two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed that night. He told me that he and his ex-wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and she told them that she's not ready for sex but just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He, his ex, and the parents that the kids invited were all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue for the kids, and they were even allowed some beer to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night, and he made them breakfast in the

morning. My respect for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about his daughter and found out that she's now on the pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud that she's having sex at such a young age, but believes that she's very mature and it was bound to happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love

and passion at 14 rather than choosing drugs or alcohol. I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him as a father and a parent. With a 12-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter, there are still many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children, so why do I care so much? What do you think I should do, Beth? Back up the judgment, Beth. These are not your children. You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because, you know, European kids are, they're looser with sex, they're looser with drinking, parents are looser with, you know, the parameters they put on children over there. And guess what?

They have a lot less fucked up children because they're not saying you can't do this until you're 21 or you can't do this until you're 18. Yeah, 14 is young to be having sex, but guess what? I was having sex when I was 14 and I'm okay. I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's not your job to parent his parenting. Unless you're going to have children with him. Did she say she wants children with him? No, but she has kids of her own as well. I just think they're not under the same roof. Well, then parent them. Great. Parent your children and let him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's

It's really not your issue to ever even give your opinions on unless you're asked. Yeah. And she's American. We grew up with all this shit, you know? Well, here's the thing. By the way, Americans don't have it figured out, FYI. We are so messed up because what happens in America? Right.

Exactly. What happens in America? We're like- We sell children guns in this country. Exactly. So remember that. Germans don't do that. No.

They don't have the gun problem. They don't have the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They start teaching sex ed in some places in Europe, especially the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're not saying like, here's how you put on a condom. They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They don't say hoo-ha. They're like, that's your vagina. That's your vulva. And they normalize sex. So when they talk about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy, it's like this where his kids grew up, is they have sex education where they do talk about STIs and getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure. And they're like, here's how

you would have an orgasm. And here's how you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive sex education in school. And his daughter came to him and said, Daddy, I feel safe. I'm going to have sex. He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control pill and all those things. So I understand why that's foreign, because contrary to America, where we just tell kids are, by the way, growing up, they're seeing porn at like eight years old on their iPad. And then they're just told it's like shameful and wrong. And there's zero information except for sex is going to be this wonderful thing. And then they go off and have sex and they have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with him saying like, I'm still your parent. If you're

going to have sex, here's birth control pill, do it. I'd rather have you do it in my home without alcohol and telling me what's going on than this. So yes, she's got to manage her own kids. That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting has means kids are not hiding. They're not shameful. They are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids aren't like that, you know, messed up about it back it up sister back it up and focus on some other things yeah oh emily what what a delight you have been chelsea so fun i can't wait to read your book a smart sex we just got it yesterday so i didn't get a chance to read it but i'm going to dive right in yes thank you smart sex um yeah

please do guy but thanks for having me i appreciate it um you are a blast and this is a good time oh Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am going to be there two nights, October 12th and 13th. I added another show at the Chicago Theater, October 27th and October 28th. One of my favorite places to perform.

I added another show in Portland. So I'll be there November 2nd and 3rd. And I added a second show in Boston. at the Wang Center. So I will be there November 16th and 17th. I also have two shows in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon, and Washington, D.C. I will be there October 5th and 6th. And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm coming Saturday, October 14th. And then I'm coming to Cleveland, Columbus, and Pittsburgh. So suck on that, you guys. I can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene, Oregon, too, everybody. That's November

9th, 2023. And I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday, August 26th. So if you are in the Long Island area, that's where I'll be, the Clubhouse. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files.

Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts did you hear the new episode of the hey jonas podcast we are at d23 so we'll see who stops by the cast of frozen stopped by kristin bell josh gad and adina menzel i auditioned for frozen what for kristoff they said okay what are you going to be singing today i said i don't know that must have been why you didn't get it well you probably want plus john stamos hayden christiansen from star wars and more and i guess i can share that

listen to the latest episode of hey jonas on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts if your bookshelf and your for you page are equally important to your personality welcome home pro society is a weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts hey this is hayes davenport and sean clements we host the podcast hollywood handbook each week we

talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.