Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Minisode: A One-Two Punch with Sam Jay and Yanise Monét

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

In this minisode, Chelsea is joined by Yaya and Sam to chat about getting a double-doozy in bed, dry spells, and the appropriate length of time for foreplay.    * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all?

And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob. I'm here with my friends Yaya and Sam.

Okay, we're back with Sam and Yaya. Hi, girls. Hey. Hi, ladies. What's up? What's up? Oh, you know what? What?

Somebody was talking about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There was some rumor that I was going to be on it. It's not true. But didn't you say that you auditioned for that? No, I didn't audition. They contacted me about it for Atlanta. Oh, yeah, they did, right? Yeah, that's what I told someone.

Yeah. I didn't have to audition, girl. Okay, guys, I didn't know you got a dog. No. You're not allowed to get a dog because Sam won't let you get a dog. We're not doing the dog. Because you're not going to follow through. No, we're not talking about the dog.

We just were just in therapy for an hour about this dog. Earlier today about the dog. Copy that. But no, it's fine. We're just not going to get the dog. Oh, okay, great. That sounded like a good therapy session. Yeah, it went great.

That must be your other therapist because this one is not as good. So what are some of the things, Yaya, you go first, that annoy the shit out of you about living with Sam? Where do I start? Cabinets. She doesn't close cabinets or doors. Like, she doesn't. If she opens a cabinet or a drawer, she leaves it open.

So, like, when I go into the kitchen, I feel like, what's her name? Vanna White. Who's the one that turns the... Vanna White. Yeah, I feel like Vanna White because I'm constantly closing all the cabinets and all the doors because she leaves them open, including the refrigerator. That's really, that's kind of entitled, Sam, to open the doors and leave them open. It's not true. It's just not true.

Like, I'll still be doing stuff in and out the fridge. You'll come in while I'm in the kitchen and close the fridge. Okay, but what about the cabinet? But I'm, like, using the fridge. I'm not in the midst of doing something. Okay, but what about the cabinet? Fridges, actually, in her defense, I change tack. They should just be open all the time.

The display should be out so we don't have to fucking open them. And look, it should be see-through glass. But then your house will be cold. No, it should be a glass door so you can just see everything that's in there. Because sometimes I want to open the fridge and just fucking sit there and look at it, too. Especially when I'm stoned. I circle around the fridge like four or five times a day waiting for some meal to just create itself. Yeah.

And then the cabinets, sometimes I forget the cabinets, but a lot of times I'll still be in the middle of stuff and you just come in and start doing it. Oh, that's not true. You'll be on a whole other floor and all the cabinets will be open. I have video evidence. All the cabinets. Yeah, I have video proof. Why do you have video evidence? Because she sends all this stuff to her sisters constantly complaining about me.

I don't know. We have a group chat and so we all have the same plight. So it was like, oh, well. Lona don't got no man, so how she got the same plight? Oh, see, you're digging again. She did have a man and he did do stuff like that. So, see what I'm talking about? But she did.

So we were like, my sister was like, oh, her husband left the cabinet open today. I'm like, oh, well, that's nothing. I had three cabinets today. So it's like that. So that's why I approved. And then you film it and send it to each other? Yeah, or take a picture. Uh-huh.

That seems reasonable, I guess. It's like our own little group chat. It's our way of, like, dealing with. Complaining about your husbands, basically. Basically. but in a nice way right that's not the worst thing in the world it's not like a man leaving a toilet seat up and like urine all over the floor urine all over the toilet seat yeah i leave my car door open a lot when i get home i get out because i always have shit or my dog and i and then i'll

see my driveway and my car's wide open like the door are you serious yeah but i have a gated driveway yeah but they're doing a lot of robbing out there now yeah well maybe i'm just um taunting them yeah is that your way of trying to find a man you know that guy remember you try the show we were in mallorca and yaya was like you know who's cute this guy gave so i was dming him a little bit in mallorca one summer but he had a girlfriend guess who doesn't have a girlfriend anymore by the way he doesn't have a girlfriend yeah but it's time for you to slide in those i know but i now the closer i see now that i he's single i've taken a closer look and you're not there's a beard situation on the face

that looks slightly painted almost like dyed ink oh he has a Beijing what is it called? Beijing he has a Beijing Sam? I don't know that's what she's saying I don't know what a Beijing is that's what it's called when they dye their beard they use the dye and the dye is called Beijing

oh yeah yeah yeah that it looks like that I don't think white men use Beijing I don't think he's white though he's other I've been getting a lot of sex so don't worry I'm fine right now I'm happy for you. I did see that picture of the feet on the back. That was nice.

I was happy for you. Oh, with the one I sent you. Right. That was nice. Did I post that? No. I was excited for you. Okay.

And Sam, let's talk about what you think the thing that annoys you the most about Yaya. She's constantly moving my things and putting them where she thinks they go, but not where it's logical for me. I'm cleaning. Yeah, but you clean like you're the only person who lives in the house. No, I just clean like a person who cleans. No, because your stuff could be out. You can leave stuff out all over the house.

You leave food out. You leave stuff in the office all the time, open bowls of soup. You'll leave anything. And you will move my socks and leave three cans of soda and a bunch of open food on the table. I don't even drink soda. Well, you know, Arlo, you do drink ginger ale, so you count that. Ginger ale is the best. You know, you'll have your three cans out, the food you had last night, some wrappers from some candy you ate,

and then you'll be like, these socks. How is my thing? like so annoying but you can have everything everywhere hey i can't i can't help that so yeah so then it's like yeah that's what i don't like behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term

and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability bell connection is everything when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart And these are the survivor files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming.

They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture

conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages okay so that's those are two minor things that's not big deal obviously you guys like that that's not going to be anything that breaks a couple up no no no and i would also say that i would guess that you have a very high sex drive yeah yeah and that sam would have is it hard for you to keep up with her sex drive because she seems very horny what why do you feel like i seem very horny i'm just curious to where where you got this from well well first of all i think i heard you have sex at my house i was told i heard about it i heard about it

so and i know and i know what i forget what you said uh give it give me no no come on come on they were fucking on my terrace in mallorca come on come on but again i would say it's about your personality you have a very flirtatious vibe about you and that's a good thing i think that's good i wish i were more feminine it's not something to be ashamed of it's just you guys have very different vibes. What's Sam vibe? Does Sam not give off sexual energy vibes? No, I wouldn't say it's sexual energy. No, not at all.

Damn. Sam's a big old player. What you mean? Sam gives off, I mean, to you she does, but, you know, like you guys have a thing. No, no. What do I give off? That's what I want to know. I just mean, you're not flirting with me, so I wouldn't know what those vibes are. And yo, you're

not walking around swinging. Maybe you are swinging your dick around. Maybe that's a good description of it but am I accurate or what what do you think I don't I think I don't think I have a high sex drive you think I do I mean I think you you're horny I think we approach sex different okay that is true I think your approach to sex is like come on put it in do it you want to get penetrated want something in you right away not necessarily and my like approach is like a build a slow build i'm not i'm not i'm not rushed i'm not rushed you're rushed i'm not rushed you're just more of a like a baby and i'm like all right come on let's get to it yeah that's funny i used

to be like that with sex like i just wanted to as soon as you get turned on you just want something inside you you're like let's go and then you miss all the foreplay though and now i'm like what sam is describing because now i understand that it's more fun to fool around for me anyway i like to fool around for a while what's a while for you like a few minutes like not more than 10 minutes okay sam needs more than 10 minutes are you serious no i don't yes you do i need more than 10 minutes of fooling around yes it's like warming up a car you you have you need time you'd be like no not yet you need time you like to make out and do all of that stuff you like to do your play for Are you considering eating pussy foreplay?

No. Okay, because we're lesbians. Yeah. Wait, eating pussy is not foreplay? I mean, we're lesbians, so this is like main event. That's it. This is main event stuff. Oh, because yeah, for straight people, it is foreplay.

Oh, no, no, no. That's sex for us. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why you had to get the strap on, because you need penetration. I don't need it. But don't you want it right after you come from- Not all the time. Not all the time.

Oh, I like that. I like a one-two punch. i mean some fingers it doesn't always have to be sometimes sometimes but not all the time sometimes i can do the one-two punch but not all the time i don't need it all the time okay well but so yeah i'm not kissing you for 10 minutes no i'm not saying kids but it's like caressing and talking and all the other stuff you like to swoon you like to she's like harry belafonte yeah all right but you don't feel like that no i don't feel like that what do you feel like if we're and i think what it is is like y'all wake up and you'll be like do it to me and i'll be

like that ain't that ain't how to get this done if you really we're really gonna talk about this okay you're not smooth so you're not gonna put all this on me and you know you're not smooth you a real weird dork when it comes to sex i think i'm smooth no you're not smooth i think i'm smooth and i'm sexy you're not smooth and you're not you don't know how to do i'm not gonna say you're not sexy because i find you you sexy but when you start doing your moves your moves ain't sexy okay so i mean that may be true so you're so you'll be like literally you will do that you will go yeah you will do that and that's to let you know what that type of time it is like what type of time like a cartoon if it's 9 10 or fucking 9 11 like a cartoon like and i'm just

like all right like that's not getting it going so then I gotta take over and like do what I gotta do to get us to where we need to go because you're just gonna be like hi and do like and stuff like yes you do be doing stuff like that and you do be doing stuff like that okay okay well I mean I try I don't know I've never had to work hard so maybe that's what it is that's probably why it's coming off so goofy well you have some good chemistry going obviously you have a good sex life you have a healthy sex life i don't think you guys would either tolerate either of you would tolerate being in a relationship where you didn't have a healthy sex life i mean well i wouldn't say that we haven't been fucking for a while but i think that that just happens when you're with someone for a long

ass time don't be like for a while like it's been 80 years no but i mean i'm just saying like i think everybody i know who's been in a very long time ago you go through droughts where you're just like Yeah, but when we back at it, we're at it. But when we're at it, we're at it. So what's a long time for you guys to go for not having sex? A few months. Yeah, two months. Oh, yeah, that is a decent amount of time.

Yeah, I think two months is like our cap. Yeah, but it's also like she's on the road, she's busy. What happened with you going on the road with her? You just can't do it all the time. No, I've just been staying home more to give her more of her space to grow as an artist independently. Without you getting in fights with the audience members? Yeah, that. Yep.

no just giving her space to you know well you can explain what you don't know go ahead big mama you got it okay well she's just developing new stuff so she's just trying to get back to the roots of when she first fell in love with comedy when she was first on the scene and getting back to the roots of grinding and like not staying at the best places and doing all of that and when i'm on the road with her she feels like she has to accommodate me and stay at the best you know i'm saying up to totally that's exactly how i feel would i take anybody yeah so she wants to just get back to the roots of it, so I've just been staying home more

and getting the house, you know, doing my own thing and letting her get back to the roots of being a comic. Okay, well, this is a perfect cutoff point to end this episode. Wow. More on sex with Yaya and Sam when we return. You can check out Sam Jay,

who is on tour now in cities all over the country, and she's fucking funny. If you haven't seen her on The Roast or on her own special, then go watch both of those. Her special's on HBO Max, now known as Max. And then you can follow Yaya at vanity.vixen on Instagram and TikTok. And it is worth the follow because she's up to some, well, shenanigans. I mean, you'll understand

what I'm talking about. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor files with elizabeth smart on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because

it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions.

Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.