Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Minisode: Gemology with Chelsea & Catherine

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

  Chelsea and Catherine get an update about a long-distance move for love, and a caller struggles with a marriage that really shouldn’t be long-distance at all. * Find our callers today on instagram! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all?

And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast? We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by.

The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it.

Oh, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh, no way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, guys, here are my dates for the High and Mighty Tour. In August, you can find me in Red Bank, New Jersey, Montclair, New Jersey, and Calgary.

That's Canada. And September, I will be in Santa Barbara, San Diego, New York City, Philly, and New Haven, Connecticut. October is Atlanta, Baltimore, Saginaw, Michigan, Pittsburgh, Toronto, Boise, Idaho, and Spokane. And then in November, I'll be in San Francisco. I'm coming to Salt Lake City, Austin, Houston, Dallas, babies. I'll be there. And then in December, I am closing out my tour in Denver and Vancouver. So get your tickets at chelseahandler.com for the High and Mighty Tour. Hello. Hello, Chelsea. Hello, Chelsea. I have to tell you a crazy... Hello, Catherine. You're Chelsea. I'm Catherine. Hello, Catherine. Hi. I have to tell you a crazy story. Oh, okay, great.

I think I told you this, but I don't know if I mentioned it on the podcast. But in February of last year I went to the gym and came home and realized that the like main stone in my engagement ring was gone it had like gotten knocked out and it was totally gone so then I spent the entire day we had like vacuumed the day before so I spent the rest of the day like combing through the crap from the vacuum and like searching on the floor of my gym and like crying just like all day because I was like this thing is gone right oh that was February of last year and this weekend I was out in the garden we've been like moving some stuff around in the bedroom we got some new bedside tables this and that so I was like switching stuff from my old bedside table

into the new one who knows how it happened but I was out in the garden and Brad comes out and he was like I don't know if this is it this might just be like a glitter or a sparkle from something but he opens his hand he goes is this your diamond and he had my diamond from my ring a year and a half ago in his palm where did he find it in the middle of the floor can you believe that wow it just was like literally i had a raky lady once tell me like crystals well like you know you have luck crystals or whatever she's like they might wander away don't worry if they wander away they might come back if you need them again but they might leave. I'm like, this is literally what happened. It like wandered away and then it

came back. I wonder what they're, yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's crazy to find that a year later. Completely. After how many times you vacuumed? Vacuumed, where we looked. I'm like, maybe it was in my bedside table and like fell out as I was like transferring things over to the new one. I have no idea. That's a nice return. Isn't that wild? I like that, that crystals wander away. Did she say anything about diamonds do they want to wear i mean i think like it's a crystal right yeah i guess i don't know is it i don't know anything about stones or rocks is it a crystal is a diamond a crystal ask claude he's just laughing at me so anyway that was my real that's good that's a good omen i think finding things is good luck i know i was like i think this is also a reminder like

somebody out there is looking out for us so that was a good reminder um but cj who uses they them pronouns wrote in with an update it is both a crystal and a gem oh thanks brad good to know thank you brad he's full of information cj says dear chelsea it's been over two years since you both along with skylar baylor advised me to follow my trans joy and move from new york city to north carolina well that's so funny our other our last minisode somebody's moving to north carolina to move from New York City to North Carolina to be with my also trans partner. Since we last spoke, I'd been flying back and forth, still paying $1,100 rent for the same Queens apartment that I'd been living in for the last 23 years and working the same remote job.

Well, I did it. About a month ago, we loaded all of my belongings into a truck to officially start our new life together. As someone on the spectrum who's absolutely terrified of change, it was, without a doubt, the most challenging thing I've ever done. Literally every facet of my life changed in a week. I even lost my job, so now I don't have to stress that my fully remote job will call me into the office. But, Chelsea, I'm incredibly proud of myself. I opened myself up to love for the first time in life and took a real chance at happiness.

It turns out true love does exist. Who knew? And for the first time, I'm genuinely excited to see what's next. For him, for us, and most especially for me. Beautiful. So sweet. Yeah, because as you say, we're all going to die soon anyway, so we might as well start living our best lives. oh thank you so much for your advice thank you so much for your advice this took some time but

it did eventually sink in p.s the first official event we attended after moving here was to see you in durham thank you both to you and yamanika for a great night best cj oh that's so sweet i love a love story i know i thought that was so fantastic and like yeah if you call if you called in a couple years ago like let us know what's going on i think this is a perfect update updates And fucking North Carolina is popping. It is. Everyone is living there. Yeah.

And moving there. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month, price guaranteed for two years on Internet

with a two-year term and auto-pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of

traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book

your first trip. I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our caller today is Charlie. He says his subject line is, I accidentally fell in love and now the government is involved. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 35-year-old gay man, surprise, surprise, and my husband is 38 and lives in Brazil. We met in early spring of 2023 when he was in New York doing work at Cornell University. Even then, we knew our time together would likely be brief because his contract was only for a year, after which he would need to return to Brazil.

He was on a J-1 visa that legally required him to return to his country and not come back to the U.S. for at least three years. I guess to spread the word about how great America is, but I digress. When we met, I was looking for the exact opposite of anything serious. I remember thinking, oh, this will be fun, and it was. Very quickly, he invited me over to his apartment for dinner. I mean actual dinner. This man cooked Brazilian recipes he had learned from his mom, including desserts.

No one had ever really done that for me before. We ended up spending a lot of dinners together. Over the course of the year, not looking for anything serious flew out the window. We fell in love. A month before he had to leave, we got married in a small lakeside ceremony. It was my parents, his friend, his friend's dog, and my friend officiating. It was freezing in February, but we truly did not care. He had to go home over two years ago.

Since then, I've gone to see him every year, usually for three or four weeks in June. I'm grateful to be able to afford to do this on a yearly basis. The green card process has been an absolute bear. The whole process honestly feels insane and never ending for someone who is legally married to an American citizen.

My question is, how do you stop yourself from becoming bitter when the love of your life is stuck 4,500 miles away because of bureaucracy, government fees, and what feels like the world's longest group project? All my best, Charlie. P.S. we're monogamous. Hi, monogamous.

Hi. And Charlie. Hi, you guys. Hi, cutie pies. So where are you guys now? Are you in Brazil? Yeah, we're in Brazil. We're on vacation right now at a resort. So we're here until Saturday. Great. Well, that's nice. And I'm glad you guys are together enjoying each other. You have a beautiful love story. This is very exciting. Thank you.

My brother is going through the same exact thing with his wife who lives in the Philippines. They have two children, and their visa process and green card process and marriage process has been very similar to what you're describing. It's been an absolute nightmare. It involves – I mean, so I'm so glad that you are grateful for the ability to even fly, visit him, and that you can afford to do that. You have to have gratitude for the small things. This system is really frustrating, and I understand how frustrating it can be. This administration is not helpful, obviously, and it's not going to last forever. So I think that you just have to figure out ways to stay connected and figure out maybe different rituals or kind of initiating new rituals for each other to stay connected so that you don't let your anger overshadow the gratitude that you should have for each other and the patience that is required for this to work.

I it's infuriating. And if you let yourself go down that rabbit hole, it will just become more and more infuriating. So like what kinds of things can you guys do to to keep each other, you know, uplifted during during this challenging time? so we usually we're talking every day like at least once or twice a day on facetime or texting all day long um recently it's been a little bit more challenging because i've been working night shift but hopefully i'm done with that and then we started an instagram page just kind of like documenting our travels like we just kind of started doing that so like that's kind of something to look forward to. Like, is that a private page for you too? Or like a public page? It's public. I mean, we have like five followers right now, but it's public. I mean, maybe there's something like, I don't know, maybe there's something to do with writing

five things down in the beginning of the day or at the end of the day that you want to let the other person know that you're thinking about, you know, like for you and your partner, like, these are the five things that I think about you today, or make it three things or five things that I did today that I thought about you while I was doing them or five different times today that I thought about you while I was away from you, you know, like kind of create. I love the Instagram thing. Just I think creating more ritual around togetherness and to fill in the blank of the actual separateness that you're feeling when you are separated to fill that up with stuff and like projects, not the projects that are going to be so time consuming, but projects that just keep

you connected that's a good idea is there like an end in sight right now with where you're at in the process um so like our documentation has passed through the immigration service and now it's with the department of state so we're just waiting like we had to send all the same paperwork to the department of state that was already passed through like the uscis yeah so we're just waiting for them to have a say in what's happening that's really frustrating too because it's like the same documentation over and over like we got married here or in the united states yeah and we are also legally married in brazil so it's he has a more positive outlook on things i guess probably just being brazilian and i'm from the united states and i can kind of get myself down in the dumps

about it okay well then you need to start writing those things down in the morning specifically you need to write down, here are the five things. This is how we're going to start our day once you come and live in America. These are the first five things we're going to do every morning. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to make you a cup of coffee. You're going to wake up. You're going to make me a cup of coffee. Whatever your rituals are together, just start implanting that into your head and writing those things down to just kind of change the vibration of your attitude towards the situation. Because you don't want to be cynical. You want to be optimistic. You want to be positive and you want to have something to look forward to. And another thing you can kind

of do to reframe a little bit is when you start feeling down in the dumps, you're not going to be able to make yourself do this every time. You won't. But try to think about instead of like how upset you are that he's not there, try and conjure the feeling of how relieved and excited you're going to be when he is in the States, like when he does get there. Like try and conjure those feelings that's like one of those like manifestation tricks as well as they say like put yourself in that headspace right it's like imagine yourself together having a cup of coffee in the morning not just like welcoming him at the airport but like your day-to-day and all the things you want to do together and you can even make a list of those things too but like spend time in your head

thinking of what that's going to feel like and what that's going to be like and inviting the positive thoughts in like inviting positivity instead of going god this is so frustrating this isn't working it's never going to happen you have to be like this is going to happen there is going to be a day where this does happen where we are waking up next to each other and we are spending our lives together invite in that positivity like create a magnetic attraction for that to happen because this paperwork could change in a day you could get this notice in one day it's happened to my friend she was waiting for months and months and months and then she found out one day that it was clear and that she was free to stay here she couldn't go back and forth because she had she

couldn't leave the States while she was waiting. She was pending her visa status. And it literally changed in a second when she was so frustrated. So really just invite in positivity. Invite in positivity and a magnetic attraction so that this does work out sooner. Energy shifts things. And so you never know who's going to get to their desk one day and then just stamp your paperwork and go, okay, this is official. So just start thinking and conjuring, as Catherine said, those ideas and that thought process yeah that's really reassuring actually because we've had like no guidance on like how that works out like because so we didn't know like is it just one day somebody puts a stamp on it basically yeah basically do you have an immigration attorney

that you're working with no we kind of just have been doing it by ourselves thus far and we have been told that like we could spend a lot of money on an immigration attorney who doesn't have any more power really than we do for this doing the same things that we're already doing so send us your instagram handle for this account that you guys have together we'll put it in the notes so people can check you guys out and follow you as well well thank you okay it's gringo because i'm the gringo here okay and goyano gringo and goyano but i'll send it to you that's cute love it okay thank you guys thank you for calling in and best of luck thank you thank you guys

bye the Jonas Brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration

one unforgettable night see the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater September 28 get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying

Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. There's stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island to deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots

between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite BookTok creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages

inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his

motorcycle, I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right. We've got one little thing to wrap up with. And Haley says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a longtime listener and have a completely non-urgent but highly persistent curiosity. I've noticed Chelsea frequently wearing a beautiful green heart necklace in interviews, press appearances, and photos over the years. At this point, it's become one of those little things my brain files under. I wonder what the story is there, especially since I know she isn't particularly materialistic when it comes to accessories and jewelry. If there's a story, sentimental meaning, gift, lucky charm, or personal significance behind it, I'd love to hear about it on the podcast. And if the answer is simply

she likes it and it looks good with every outfit and makes her eyes pop, honestly, that's perfectly acceptable, too. Thanks for all the laughs, wisdom, delightfully unfiltered advice each week. Thanks to Chelsea, I have a list of vocabulary words saved to my phone. Carte blanche, sagacious, alacrity, aplomb, ameliorate,

to name a few. Look up polrumptious. Polrumptious is a good word. Polrumptious? Polrumptious. That's a good word. And I learned a great word this morning. Hold on a second. uh what does paul rumptious mean pauciliqui pauciliqui is someone who is it's a noun economy of expression especially in speech pauciliqui so paucity which is shortness

and illiqui which is language and the way you speak i love it pauciliqui damn girl um but paul rumptious is a good word too paul rumptious is great oh this is melinda maria my friend is a jewelry costume designer this isn't even a real emerald although all of my girlfriends who are friends with melinda maria because i wear this fake necklace all the time make fun of me yeah because they're like chelsea everyone thinks you're walking around with a real emerald and i was like well i don't really care and then they were like we're gonna get you a real emerald and i'm like great and where is it and they've been telling me that they have my emerald they have my emerald we all chipped in and got you a real emerald and i'm like i don't believe you because

no one has given it to me but i love it just because it's green and i love green yeah and And she's my friend, and she has rings, too, and all this. She has lots of jewelry, but I just love this. I get so many compliments on this. Yeah, it's very unique, I think, but it also goes with everything. It's simple. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. So that's the story. All right. Well, we'll see you all next time. Okay. Bye. Bye. The word of the week is polrumptious.

Polrumptious. Adjective. A word from the 1800s meaning big-headed, obstreperous, and downright obnoxious. Used in a sentence, The man in first class had a pull-rumptious disposition when speaking to the flight attendant. Pull-rumptious. If you want advice from Chelsea, write in to DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartMedia.

Follow Chelsea on all socials at Chelsea Handler and find Catherine on TikTok at Flash Kadabra. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. Find full video episodes and minisodes now on Netflix and get tickets to see Chelsea live at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions listen to pro

society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts did you hear the new episode of the hey jonas podcast we are at d23 so we'll see who stops by the cast of frozen stopped by Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh, no way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude

is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.