Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Minisode: Polyamory Problems

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

Couples Counseling with Chelsea has never been this blessed: A 20-something worries she’s in for heartbreak when she falls for a polyamorous, married Rabbi.  * Order a signed copy of Chelsea’s new book HERE! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. if your bookshelf and your for you page are equally important to your personality

welcome home pro society is a weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm us. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob, where we do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. Welcome to my office. Hi, Catherine. How are you? Hi, Chelsea. I want to jump right in with our callers today, which are Rachel and Leah.

Rachel is the one writing in, and she says, Dear Chelsea, I could really use some advice. About two months ago, I met a woman at a party, and we fell hard for each other. It turns out she is polyamorous and married with a child. She's 36, and I'm 28. Traditionally, I'd never go for someone who was in a situation like this, but I couldn't help myself. We have such a deep connection, and she makes me so happy. She's also a rabbi, which is so meaningful to me because I'm Jewish. The thing is, she isn't out as polyamorous to her congregation, so we could never go public.

Also, my boss happens to be in her congregation. Super weird coincidence. Additionally, I'm not 100% on board with calling a woman with a husband and child my girlfriend. Let's call her Leah for these purposes. I was at her house earlier this week and had to leave because her husband was coming home and I couldn't fathom meeting him. I fear that if I were to meet him, I would feel really sad and ultimately freak out and break things off with Leah or fall in love with him too.

It just seems potentially messy. Dating people who are unavailable is typically my pattern and I recognize that Leah falls into the category of people who are unavailable. I'm at the point where I want to date other people, but I still want to date Leah. I'm scared of getting hurt, but I don't want to let go of my connection with her. How do I go about this without hurting my heart and still having fun? Thank you so much, Rachel. Hi, Rachel and Leah. Hi, Chelsea and Catherine. Hi. Hi, you guys. Okay. Let's recap. Rachel, you're polyamorous. No, that would be cool. Leah is polyamorous. Leah, you're polyamorous and you're a rabbi.

Yeah. Okay. And your husband knows you're polyamorous, obviously. Yeah, he is too. He is too. Okay. Wonderful. Great. But you're just not out to your congregation. Right. And then Rachel, so you're not polyamorous, but now you're looking to be polyamorous because you want to date Leah and other people, right? I mean, yeah. Yeah. I guess I am at that point. I can't fathom not dating Leah, but I'm also trying to find my person as a monogamous person. So I guess I'm here trying to figure out where I can go from here. And I'm really struggling with that.

Yeah, I can imagine how. How did you guys meet? At Temple? Oh, that would be crazy. No, we met at a party. It was a really cute party just for women. Uh-huh. Rachel rhinestoned my face, and we smoked a joint together, and it was really cute.

Okay, well, I need to go to your synagogue because it sounds pretty modern. No, that wasn't a synagogue party. I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying. Because I'm at the synagogue, fair enough. Yeah, you're a polyamorous, you're smoking pot, like all of these things are lining up. Okay. And Rachel, are you both bisexual or Rachel, are you a lesbian? I'm bisexual. You're bisexual. Okay. So you're looking for your partner, whether that be a man or a woman.

Right. Okay, great. Well, this is very interesting, you guys. I like this. This is multi-layered. I mean, Rachel, I would never say like, I think with someone like Leah, who's a rabbi and who, do you go to her congregation?

No. No, okay. I would never date someone in my congregation, for the record. Okay, okay, copy that, copy that. I think you know what the rules are. So it's a very good experiment for you. And you should look at it as such.

Like, I understand there are emotions involved and feelings involved and you haven't necessarily been in this kind of dynamic before. Is that correct? Yeah. Right. So I think this is a huge opportunity for you. Like it's an opportunity to learn and grow. You and Leah can have this relationship that you have with the understanding. You have all the information. So it's not like you're getting, you know, like all of a sudden you're finding out, you know, you're six months in, you're in love with someone and you find out, oh my God, they're married, this and that. No, you have all the information here

to protect your emotions. So it's up to you to kind of do that job and say, okay, this is never going to amount to a marriage or a person like- A primary partner. You're a primary partner, right? This is going to amount to, it could be a huge growing and learning experience for you,

which I think it will be. And no one's being dishonest. So that's the biggest advantage so far is that all the honesty is out on the table. and you're also looking for your person and while you have Leah in your life like that's not going to prevent you from looking that person if you do you feel like you have fallen in love with Leah already um I really love her and I definitely think that we're on that track um yeah I guess I I'm finding it difficult to be emotionally available to other people while I have all of

this love and time and energy that I'm spilling into someone who ultimately could never be my primary partner. Okay. So does that make you think maybe you shouldn't be involved with Leah at all? Like you can't handle both of those things? No, no. I want to figure out and work on ways where I can't handle both of those things because I do love her so much and I don't ever want to not be romantically involved with her. I feel like this is sort of a follow your bliss moment. Like, I know you want to find your primary partner. I know you want to find like the one. But right now, maybe it's okay to just let this be what it is and not try to put all your energy in two places, right? We can't serve two masters. I think there's something about that maybe

somewhere in the... Oh, that's New Testament. Never mind. But maybe right now you're just like having this really wonderful experience and let it be what it is and when and if you feel like that needs to change and you need to find another partner then like then you move toward that yeah the jonas brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest jonas brother hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers the burning up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how

other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the survivor files. I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything. Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled and nearly silenced. but these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place.

Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show.

We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman. Not that great. Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head? How about we flip the script? What if the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott, this entire time, you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show. I would never let go of that.

I have never set expectations for something like that. If the universe allows for something like that to happen, I'm open to it. I'm always going to accept, you know, Danny McBride. Fine. Yeah. It's all this fragile masculinity exuding. exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of

times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like they're like oh what's this everyone's so dumb except for you fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode but he's just so busy listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts what are your major concerns you're concerned about protecting your emotions is that your number one like yeah fear yeah okay well when you have the truth right before you

It's your decision. Like there's nothing here that's not protecting your emotions is what I'm saying. Everything is set up to protect your emotions because you know what the situation is. So like you have such a huge advantage. It's not like you're finding out. It's not like, you know, you're being blindsided.

You know what you're getting into. And it's okay to fall in love with someone that's unavailable in a polyamorous situation. That's okay because you're also gonna fall in love with other people in your life. And just because you're in love with this person doesn't prevent you from falling in love. That's like an idea that we put in our minds.

You know, you're not living together and also seeking someone out. You know, that would be something else. It's not like, oh, I have a whole life with him, but I'm still trying to meet someone else. She has a whole life separate from you. She has a husband and I'm assuming she has a family too. Do you have children, Leah?

I have a kid, yeah. Yeah, okay. So there you have it. How integrated is she allowed to, Like, how do you and your husband have your relationship set up with, like, your other partners and your other lovers? Like, how integrated can Rachel become in your life? He is down to meet her. I think my best-case scenario one day, if I could get my wildest fantasy, would be that she becomes, like, you know, a close family friend.

Like, that's how it feels for everyone in my family, except for me, obviously. It's beyond that. um but she does not want to meet him yet or slash maybe at all which I totally understand and respect honestly like it when you identify as polyamorous it is sometimes like an initial challenge or like emotionally slightly complicated to meet a partner's other partner and then if you like don't even identify as poly like oh my gosh that must be I don't even know I don't know how you're doing it Rachel so yeah yeah right it would be but I I wouldn't put a never on anything you know like you don't want to meet him now fine that you don't have to but down the road you might

change your mind you probably will and you probably will depending on your own situation and what happens with your situation and who you end up seeing and dating and I wouldn't put a pin in any of that either but I wouldn't be so aggressively in any direction I would say to Rachel just like enjoy what's happening. Enjoy your relationship with Leah. It's not a secret. That's a lifestyle that she's chosen. It might be a lifestyle that you choose also, or you might meet someone and then decide, oh, this isn't the way that, or they might not be okay with it. They don't want you to have another lover. And then maybe that time will come and you'll have to make that decision. But I wouldn't put so much pressure on protecting your emotions. You have all the information that

is your protection. And you should look at it as like a power. You know what I mean? Like, think of that like no one's lying to you so that right there you're in a powerful position to choose what you're willing what you want you know do you want this can you handle her being with a husband can you handle that like what do you think when you think about that in the long term of things say you guys do fall madly in love and she is still married how does that how do you see that playing out what do you think of that do you think that's something that you can handle right now absolutely not in the future potentially i just i think of her and her husband and i like i freak out i get so sad i get so sad and i think in my head wow leah is giving her love to someone who

is not me and that fucking sucks right well that makes that makes it sound like yeah you might not be able to handle that situation because you are going to be too jealous and that means you're probably not polyamorous. What thoughts have you given to being polyamorous? I've never thought about being polyamorous until I started dating Leah two months ago, or I guess three months ago now. And I've been on a few dates with people since and a defining factor now, and I haven't really talk to you about this before Leah, but it's, you know, is someone, would someone be down with me having a girlfriend or dating someone else? Or, you know, would that person be open to polyamory with this specific person who I really love? I'm not closing off any options. And like

you said, Chelsea, I'm, I'm, I'm focusing on staying in the moment and staying present and being present because anytime I go and I spiral and my emotions get the most of me, I have to check back in with myself, take a few breaths and remind myself this is, it's, um, it's practicing being in the moment. It's practicing being here now because when I'm here now and I check in with myself, I'm like, everything's great. I am really happy and I'm with someone who makes me really happy, and everything's going to be fine. So I think that if I continue to check back in with myself and remind myself that I'm okay, then it's going to be okay down the line. Because I've come to terms in many ways that we will never get married or have children together, and Leah will

never be my primary partner. I think one of the things you should take from this call is that it's okay to let yourself enjoy this for what it is right now and checking in with yourself is the best way to do that and like making sure that that's still the loudest voice and then when there is a louder voice about like it's time to move on or it's time to find like a monogamous relationship when and if that time comes once that is louder then you know it's time to make a change but I think you're okay to like let yourself enjoy this for a while because you both seem really happy and glowy and you're in the throes of things and and I think you'll know when and if it's time to move on.

Yeah, I think you answered everything I was asking, Rachel. I think you really are enjoying yourself being present, being in the moment. When it becomes, if it becomes emotionally tumultuous for you, then yes, then that's a time where you have to go, okay, maybe I need a timeout or maybe I need to break this off. But I would say just go for it right now.

It's a huge, expansive experience that you're having with someone. It's been a couple months. Have fun, enjoy it. You know what the rules are. play the game and enjoy yourself and just take it one step at a time and be mindful of where your head is at, you know, and if it becomes too overwhelming for you, make sure that you're checking in with that too. And then that's fine. And I'm sure Leah will be respectful of that if

and when that does happen. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. That is the way to go about it because this is so special and I don't want to give up on this or leave this. I would like to continue to check in with myself and see where this can go. My dream is to be her bridesmaid one day. Okay. Well, I'm very excited about the possibilities and the outcome of this and where this goes. I mean, in a perfect world, you'll find a partner, they'll be polyamorous, you'll all be polyamorous, and you can live a happily ever after life with just like two partners, each of you. And then like, great. Then we're really evolving. Yeah. Thank you.

Okay. All right. Keep us posted. Okay. Take care of you too. Thank you, Justin and Catherine. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Drum roll, Catherine, please. Chelsea Handler, Abroad Abroad is my European tour.

So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Reykjavik. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.

I've never, ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, and Lisbon. I'm coming. Abroad is abroad. That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad. I know. I want to go see me abroad. And there I'll be.

There I'll be. Excellent. Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files.

Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook.

Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B.

I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.

Guaranteed human.