Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - My Dating History with Mary McCormack

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

Chelsea is joined live in Phoenix by BFF, Mary McCormack where they humorously discuss Chelsea’s dating history, her love of guides and their friendship.Credits:Host: Chelsea HandlerGuests: Mary McCormack Executive Producer: Conal Byrne Producers: Sophie Lichterman, Jack O’Brien Writers: Jamie Loftus, Anna Hossnieh & Sophie Lichterman  Consulting Producers: Nick Stumpf, Miles Gray, & Anna HossniehThis episode was Engineered, Mixed & Edited by: Danl Goodman Music by: KingsburyOrder: "Life Will Be the Death of Me"Available in stores and online now Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the Death of Me, a production of iHeartRadio. Good afternoon, everybody. This is Chelsea Handler. Is it the afternoon, Brennan, technically speaking? It sure is. Okay. Okay. This week's episode is of my bestie, Mary McCormick, and me in Phoenix.

She interviewed me at the show in Phoenix, and somebody got emotional. Well, people need to listening to find out who that was hi oh wait let me get rid of the stool we flew out here together this morning on a commercial flight i love she brags about a commercial flight yeah i'm trying to tone down my behavior this year so i'm flying commercially i'm getting into it let me just put this here just in case let's talk about robert muller because i want to talk about our crush and my sexual feelings right and then i want to talk about your men okay well because i think there's a theme there is a theme so i think robert muller plays into that theme right right It's not hard to figure out that when your dad leaves you a temple and lets you swim alone and your brother says, I'm coming back, I would never leave you.

Like, you're, and then you start fucking anyone with the title guide. You're, if you're a guide, you're in luck. This bitch loves a guide. You obviously have daddy shit, right? Like, it's not, you don't have to be Freud to figure this out. you want to be told what to do you want to be told where to go you want to be told like i know the guy for her is a guy who goes like this hey come here a minute shut up like that's what she needs she's like my dream for you is somebody who goes hey hey shut the fuck up yeah like private

like pull her aside like hey sweetie come here a sec shut the fuck up knock it off like too much We went on a safari with our friend Charlize Theron for her charity, CTAOP. And we went with our guide Christian, who was like Zulu. And he had six or seven wives. And I felt a very strong connection to him. For real. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, we almost lost her to South Africa.

And he was the one that was, like, tracking the animals. So I was, of course, turned on by that. Any expert. Like, any expert. Or masculine, like a caveman. If you have a knife on your belt, she's a goner. It's weird. You're like a little girl that way.

Yeah, we had a connection, though. I mean, he understood me. He knew that I had a sense of adventure. And yeah, until you told me about his six or seven wives, that was good that you told me about that. You are looking for some guy. You like a man to tell you what. I mean, we both have a real attraction to doctors,

but more specifically anesthesiologists. because first of all the scrubs are always hot but also then the last thing they're like you're just going to relax a little bit and they put their hand on your hand you know there's like a little touching and they're super in charge

and kind of quiet like a one on one they're like I'm just going to count backwards from ten you're like ten and then you're on the Michael Jackson drug and you forget everything else but you are in love I'm in love and you are the same problem we both have daddy shit I have daddy shit for sure.

I like older men and I like men who are not available mentally. In charge. Like a 25-year-old who's almost brain dead is what I would prefer to somebody. That's a new development, though. That's a new development. And I think that that development has to do with the word guide. Meaning, I think a 24-year-old skateboarder would not stand a chance. First of all, let's get this.

If anyone knows the right guy, because here's what I want to say. I have an email address I set up for it. it's handleshandler at gmail.com I'm gonna screen it but here's here's what I'm looking for first of all

that guy has to be an excellent skier I'm gonna start with that I know it sounds shallow but like she it's a full I don't think skiing is shallow

why is skiing shallow? well it's a shallow thing to put on a list of like must haves well that he likes to who cares it's shallow it's mandatory

because she's fucking into it and it turns her on and like that can heal it like they could have a fight and then you'd be back on board if you watch them ski. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyone who can ski well, I will, yes. But really well because she's pretty good so it has to be better than her. I think someone with something going on, right?

Like you don't want to be like someone who's passionate about what they do, someone who's... Financially independent, somebody I'm not supporting. I can't do that. That's not interesting

or that's... You've tried it. Yeah, I've tried that. It's expensive and it's boring. Yeah. So there's that. When I met you,

you were dating Ted. Ted was your boss. Ted was my first boyfriend who is, like, 20 years older than me who's my boss at E. And your boss. Yes. So it follows the pattern, right?

Yes. Like, she's like, I understand why it happened. I mean, I understand because I know you and your makeup, what you're attracted to. I understand how that happened. Right.

For sure. And Ted's great. It's the Bob Mueller thing. Like, we both share this about Bob Mueller. And that's, I mean, we, yes, we both have daddy issues. I'm not sure why you have daddy issues

because your dad's great. He's great. Right. Maybe that's why I just am into, like, people in charge. It's attractive. Like, I like looking up to my partner.

I like looking up to a man. I mean, I did feel safe with my dad when I was on like your... I feel safe with Bob Mueller. I feel like I would feel safe

with Bob Mueller. Me too. I was just excited that there was a Republican that I could allow to penetrate me. But then you went from Ted...

I don't know if people know about this guy. This was a short-lived thing. Is it 50 Cent? No. There was a guy before... There was a guy before...

Well, I'm sure she'll get to 50 Cent. I call him Curtis. But there was a guy before Curtis. it was that animal trainer guy remember him oh yeah dave salmoni this canadian animal trainer who came to visit me and remember he gave chunk it was like you over correcting because ted was like like dancing to michael jackson goofy sweet like short like just a mensch sort of a sweetie and

then you were like need masculine so you went and got like this i remember when i met him he was jumping off the roof of your rental house into a pool like a fucking idiot remember that i was like that's not a good decision you're dumb but you were just like oh i just like you're not afraid me up and throw me around and he was big and strong and i thought he could handle a lion right he can't apparently he can't no but you're not afraid to overcorrect she's the the dating is like a series of overcorrections from a big pussy to another big pussy then you went to curtis 50 cent another big pussy he's a big pussy too no he's not no i mean it in a cute way he's not I didn't say it.

She said it. No, I mean, like, he's a big teddy bear. He's not, like, what he seems. I mean, he did get shot, so I don't know what else goes on. I'm like, I'm not calling 50 Cent a pussy, just for the record. Let the record reflect. We would hang out with him, and he wouldn't smoke any pot or drink any alcohol. My friends were so bummed.

They were like, this is 50 Cent, and he's not going to get high with us? No, he was the adult in the room, for sure. Yeah, and he'd go to bed at, like, 8 o'clock, so that didn't last long. He's like, this is silly. Let's get some shut-eye. I'm like, what kind of rapper are you? It was weird. But he was nice.

I really liked him. Yeah, he was a nice guy. 50 Cent is a nice guy. That was a good moment. It was a good two months. It couldn't go more than that. No, it was. It was two months.

I was going to go with him to Anguilla for my family Christmas trip. And he and I got in some fight. I can't recall what it was about. And then I said, don't come to Christmas. And I was like, thank God he didn't come to Christmas. That would have been so weird. You know, strolling down Anguilla beaches with 50 Cent. like I don't need to be it's enough that was really strange I was like hey Curtis why am I

calling you Curtis um that was really weird and then you moved on to Andre which was a long that was a longer thing and actually one day I remember you called me I think you'd broken up and gotten back together it was one of those like back and forth and you were like I think I should just marry him and I was like I remember just being like listen to me you do not marry anyone like you just you don't have to marry him i was on ecstasy when we did that by the way seriously i mean that's how fucked up i was i was like oh this is a good time to get proposed to and say yes i remember him proposing to me like on the lawn of this like we're upstate new york and i just looked at him and thought we're way too fucked up for you to be proposing to me even in that moment

i'm like no and i go yes i'll marry you and on monday i'm like i gotta get the fuck out of here I remember when you met him though I was there and it was a dinner and I remember the moment that you like I literally saw hearts in your eyes

because he lit your cigarette and I don't think like he was like in an expensive suit he was really dapper he had an accent we were like ooh an accent

like we're both Jersey girls like central Jersey too like the gross part he had a European accent meanwhile he was from Boston but we didn't know that we didn't know that we thought

he was like Chelsea and then he he leaned over you had a cigarette in your mouth and you were about to light it and he was like let me

and he lit your cigarette and you were like I know it's so embarrassing I know it's embarrassing but I had to say it because it's true it's like that

that felt like a guy who knew things like a guy who would teach you things and then even in the beginning of the relationship we were like

we went to the Art Basel we did it was always about like art shows and museums and fine restaurants and we're traveling here. Like, you really wanted to learn. And then it was like Oz, right?

Like, then the curtain came up and you're like... Like, one day I said to Andre, I was like, your English is incredible. Like, when did you move here? And he's like... She goes, he's from Boston. It's fake. And that was when it was...

It was like that transatlantic accent where you're like, hello. It was just very, like, an affectation. Why did he have it? Exactly. His parents were his parents. His parents were Hungarian, but he grew up in Boston, so there's no excuse for that. No, just it looks good.

It sounds better with the suit. Yeah. But then you've sort of wised up, and you're like, wait a minute. This is all bullshit. I can go to museums on my own and light my own cigarette. And then you moved on. Oh, this one was funny. This is a good one.

One time, I got this call. I guess it was from Karen. It may have been from Karen, who is her tour manager, but used to be her assistant, who's incredible. And she said, Mary, and my husband, Michael, and she was like, Chelsea needs you guys. She's in, where were you? I don't know. Yes, she did. Oh, Belize.

Belize. I mean, who even knows? I've never been anywhere. Belize. And she really needs you. She's there. How did you meet? I was there with some.

Oh, no, no, wait. Another resort boyfriend. First, we met Floor in the Bahamas. Yeah, we met him in the Bahamas on a trip. He was working at a resort, and you started sleeping with him. right and then we thought mistakenly that it could continue i slept with him they had these cottages for the people that worked at the resort and we went back to his little cottage and i was walking out of his cottage in the morning to our main house and my nephew who was like 10

was walking out and i just ran right into him and i'm like hey max you're like carrying your shoes walk of shame which was why it was work it worked it was good because there was a language barrier which is always how my relationships, you know, strengthen. When there's no communication. He was so pretty that sometimes he would FaceTime us and we were just like, we would forget to talk because we're like, you're like looking at the sun. He was so beautiful.

But really not a, you know, that was not a love match. But God, Floor. And then she called, so she went, decided to go on vacation with Floor in Belize and then called us and was like, it's a disaster. I need help. I need backup. I can't be here alone with him, remember?

Yeah, because he couldn't talk unless he was drunk. And it was like, after a while, the alcohol was too much. So I was like, can you come and give me some backup? And then they came down for four days. And then I, yeah, I think I saw him one more time. But it was one of those. And then paid him a severance package. Yeah, I paid him as well.

More than $20,000. Yeah, he said he was in the hospital. So I just said. He had a whole, like, lung thing. Younger guys cost you a fortune. Don't do it. And that ski guide stole from you, too. Remember that?

Oh, no. Before you paid him a severance package. One day she gets a call from a jewelry store. Am I allowed to say this? Yeah, why not? One day she gets a call from a jewelry store in Whistler, and they're like, there's a young man here charging a lot of jewelry to your credit card.

And it was that fucking kid that you were fucking. Yeah, they're trying to charge it. In addition to me giving him $20,000, he had stolen my credit card. That's why, everyone, if you know a decent guy who's smart and funny. From Phoenix, the Phoenix area. And a great skier, go to HandlesHandler at gmail.com. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, and we'll be right back. Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month.

Price guaranteed for two years on Internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations,

or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. I want to give an example of how far I've come since my therapy because these are really bad examples of just stupid behavior. I would like to say that I took a plane to Clearwater, Florida.

I got on a plane and there was a man on the plane next to me. It's a long flight from LA. It's like five and a half hours. And he looked like, you know, a bad version of Harvey Keitel. Like if Harvey Keitel was in Deliverance, you know, like long hair, denim sweatpants that looked like jeans until he got up and you could tell they were sweatpants. Just all fucking kinds of wrong.

So I'm sitting there and I'm like, just be cool. You're a different person now. You can meditate, do your breathing exercises. Don't let somebody, like, he's a person. He's got a soul. Try and think of it that way. And then he started farting. He farted eight times.

eight times on a five and a half hour flight and each time was like a fucking hurricane every time I couldn't believe it at first because already it was assault on my eyes and then it became an assault on my face you know and I started I was like just breathe this is your time this is a trigger this is okay this is an opportunity to meditate and to breathe and to breathe deeply

breathe in and then breathe out and I'm like no I can't because I'm breathing in his fucking wet asshole meat coming in I can't breathe in I can't do my breathing exercises I have to sit here and close my eyes and hope that this is just over soon and i i just thought what is the most compassionate way to tell somebody or ask somebody can you please stop please stop farting and then he got up to

go to the bathroom and i looked over and those denim the one i thought were jeans which were not jeans that thin material that were sweatpants were stuck inside his wet asshole stuck inside and And I gasped, and I went, ah! And the flight attendant came over, and I was like, I'm just free. She goes, are you okay? I go, yes, I'm fine, I'm fine. No problems here.

So I want to say I've come a long fucking way, okay? Because five years ago, I would have been like, hey, you fucking piece of shit! Tape your asshole! Like, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it. That's true. So how you're portraying me is accurate, but I want to say that there has been growth

because of my patience, because I've learned to, you know, deal with those situations in a normal way. No, the growth is incredible. For me, it's a full windfall. I mean, like, I used to, we'd leave parties. And I always knew, because I know you, all of you, I knew how wonderful and generous and kind and loyal

and reliable and funny, and I knew all the good, right? And then I knew some of the bad, and, you know, that's how we love each other. You love all of them. but some people only got the bad part because it was like later in the night and she'd had a lot of drinks and the patience was low

and there was no therapy and she'd be like, get in the car, we're leaving. And then you would just sit in the car yelling my name while I'm walking around going, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's not, it's just we're tired. She's tired or, you know. I mean, like the apology tour for me is ended now because you do your own inventory now. like I don't have to do that it's a great exercise for me now I have to look at everybody I see going oh what's her family like I see somebody walking I'm like what's her house like does her husband hit her what's her family like I'm like I have so much empathy I'm fucking exhausted but I have to

work on it because I want to get better at having empathy yeah and empathy is learned you can learn it yes and that's the thing that he revealed to me all the empathy is learned you can learn you can improve just like patience I mean patience and empathy are tied and for those of you like you know sympathy and empathy because we've had this conversation because you know we've been friends for a long time so we've seen each other through a lot of things but when he said to me he goes are you you know do you feel empathetic like when you're when you're a great because i could be the best friend i'm the best friend show up if anyone's going through anything i'm there i don't even have to know you it could be a stranger and i will be there just for the sake

of it but what i realized is sometimes i was just showing up to be the person who always showed up so everyone would say, oh, Chelsea's good at showing up. Not because I was thinking about what it was like to be in a person's shoes who was going through something difficult. Being sympathetic is different than being empathetic. It's still pretty good, though. Having been on the receiving end of it,

it's still pretty good. It's nice to show up. It is. It's nice to show up. She shows up and shows up and shows up. Some days I'd be like, don't come, I'm fine. She's like, and then she is. I was like, oh, I do need a shower. If you could just turn it on.

I'm like, get your beaver in the shower. It's time. I was like, I'm going to watch you from here. No, she's pretty great. I need to get in the shower. It is. You're pretty great. I have to say, like, I know, obviously, there's nothing more horrific than losing a sibling,

especially, you know, your bookend. Like, what's more horrible than that? But it is a part of what forms you. And I do think, like, you having grown up having to self-parent yourself or having to become the reliable one, the fixer, because no one was making you feel safe as a kid has been a huge benefit to me thank you no and everyone else whom you love like you are the most reliable the most you know you are the fixer you're incredible and but it is wonderful that now you're fixing yourself that you're allowing yourself that love you know you that you've

given everyone else because I think I actually I do I think I'm not gonna cry I'll cry I will cry you need an orange girl I do need an orange but I do think like Chet would be so proud that's so sweet thank you honey thank you

this is a more serious night than we had anticipated I know I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I love it it is nice because you are you do

you give so many people so much love because I think that was what you were you know you were forced into that role as a nine year old girl if no one's looking after you

and you have to start to you're like oh shit i guess i'll do it myself and then you start to do it for everyone else you know i think it's nice for people to you want to be held it's why that orange moment was so powerful in the book it's just he was being he was keeping you in mind yeah right so to think of him at home having thought of you like he's in the backyard and he goes oh she might like that i'm gonna get that for her and just bring it in right that simple it's a little thing right it's it's a non it's a non thing but it means you were in his mind and so to be kept in mind is is so lovely yeah my brother my brother chet did this thing that was so similar to the orange which

i always think now like when i was i was born going through menopause i've been sweating my entire life i'm just fucking constantly hot i have to sleep with 65 degree temperature fans everywhere when i was a little girl i had air like fans oscillating in my room they had it on rotation like i was like you know a burn victim and i'm and my brother was the only person who took it seriously and we had six kids in our family so i was the youngest and my brother chet was the oldest and so he was like the captain of our team you know our parents were fucking out of their minds and you know irresponsible and tired from having six kids and i was like the little mascot so i was his play thing and we were bookends he would do this thing whenever i

would eat soup I'd have to take my top off because I would sweat and then when I once I was like you know like eight or nine I started getting my like buds in and all of a sudden they were like oh these are gonna be big dad knew and they were like we're on Martha's Vineyard and I was like I want to get some clam chowder and my brother looked at me I'll never forget the look on his face like you know what that means you're gonna have to take your top off in a restaurant like it's the middle of the daytime you're getting older like do we want to do this and he went and we got takeout clam chatter and he went and put me in the car and he goes okay take your tub off in there and eat it in there and and i remember he's standing outside the door and i'm like just come in to the car he's

like i i'm gonna wait till you're done with the soup and i was eight years old i'm like just eat the soup with me with my tits out i'm like come on he's like no you stay in the car and i'll be and you know he did those things like he'd put me in bed he carried me up the stairs he'd drive me to Martha's Vineyard and back like it was a five-hour drive to the ferry and he put me in bed and put my fan on on high in my face like and I was wide awake but pretending to be asleep because I just wanted to be carried by him but it was it was those moments that taught me what like oh this is what love is this is the first expression of it I had my parents but this was like a boyfriend you know like that's who took me and stuck me out of the house so that moment for me you know i

thought i really you know we had talked about it so many times about oh yeah my brother died anybody would be like i'm sorry i'd be like you didn't kill him like you know just a total fucked up reaction to everything and then my friends would get into a situation or they'd have somebody die and i was like on the floor for them you know i'd be like my friend's uh marriage broke up amber who you know and she her fiance broke up with her and i was more devastated than she was like after three days she was like i need you to get away from me she's like i just got dumped and you're still crying about it i'm like i know this isn't a normal reaction because you need to go to a psychiatrist and that was when i was like 25 so you know the point is that it

builds up and it builds up and it shows up it's never gonna go away until you extinguish it yourself yeah that deal with your shit or it deals with you yeah right or it punches you right in the face and then you're like fuck what am i doing with my life but what's come out of it is really good right i mean obviously chet you know i would love to have met chet i would love him to be here now but part of who you are is that scar right right that's right it is it's a big part of who you are i mean i think scars are like you wear them with pride you survive something yeah and you're different from it you know it's not a wound it's a scar and a scar you sort of show off it makes you more fuckable yeah and without the severance well once somebody calls handle handles

or whatever that email is don't fuck it up it's handles handler it's not great i was in a panic i did it five minutes before i came out here handlers no no shit fuck handles handler at gmail.com okay well this sounds like a good time to take a break get bell pure fiber internet with Crave Netflix and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. but these aren't stories about what's taken from them.

They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments,

nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. I want to talk about men because Mary's always been like, listen, this is a fucking man's world. You're a woman.

You get no respect. And I would always, I was like, what are you talking about? Life is great. I have my own show. I'm doing great. I didn't realize that wasn't what it was like for everybody. I really was in my own ass so hardcore that I had to rip myself out of it. And, you know, when we discovered all this disgusting shit, like, you know,

the fact that Harvey Weinstein or Louis C.K., I don't remember who it was. You had no idea Me Too was going on. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't no surprise to me. I know all the executives who have beds in their offices. I mean, it's, yeah, it's not, well, it's not a shock to me. Well, I was shocking to find out that men were jerking off into plants. Okay, that's not something that I knew was going on.

I mean, honestly, one of those guys, Louis C.K. or... No, I think that was Harvey. Jerking off into a, like, that's when I knew that shit was real. Because in no circumstance ever in the history of mankind or in the future will you find a fucking woman rubbing one out into a fucking plant. only a man would do something so stupid I mean honestly a plant

it's like oh is there a wall no I guess I'll fuck this plant but I think that is even part of why I thought Trump was going to win the whole time and you were like no you're always smarter than I am no I'm definitely not on most things

but on that I just had I just knew how much how deep seated that sexism is like i just thought there's no a lot of men even men i like who were like oh no definitely i know when the privacy of the booth the voting booth right that people are private well it was hers to win when they elected an african man i mean you know we're not a traditionally not a sort of open country to the first black president like it took us a while right yeah and still anything but a woman like right i mean his name was hussein and they're like just get

him who cares anyone but her just fucking get him get anyone right right no that's now there's a gay guy running thank god i love mayor pete but now we're i love mayor pete love him love him so much but it's interesting because elizabeth warren has policy dripping from her ears and we're still and we're still and even me i'm like i do love mayor pete and then i'm like what am i up to like what is this like elizabeth warren has a solution for everything like like for the last like the last episode of like the last season of game of thrones she's like i think i can fix that i mean she has a solution for everything and she has like plan a through c and we're still like i don't know is she electable i like elizabeth warren i'm into her i like it she fucking knows what she's talking

about and she's somebody that would win like if she won the election she's not celebrating that night she's getting to work i know you know there's like all these ego candidates and you can tell what that's about and then there are there are politicized candidates but i am warming up and i like that there are so many people running good me too i also love mayor pete i don't mean to disparage i love mayor pete i'm on board for all of them uh all right let's see what else should we talk about do you want to talk about my sexual history is over i think we sealed that well and there's been others but we can leave it at that what i learned from my psychiatrist this is an announcement i'd like to make because as long as i keep saying it it becomes more and

more real i'm ready to be in an adult relationship because it takes a healthy to get a healthy and Now I'm sort of healthy. All right, I have a question. So I have to keep saying that, Dan says. So, I mean, I think she would like to fuck her boyfriend, but I think you would also like a partner who makes you laugh and challenges you and skis well. Yeah, skis.

A lot of skiers in Arizona. I think skiers are everywhere. All right, here's a question, because I'm interested in how brave you are. What scares you? I mean, I could jump off a building, no problem. And I could fly, like I could skydive, no problem. I can do all that.

I don't have fear like jumping. I love to jump because then I can just keep moving. You know, that's like my, that's my, you know, when I talked to Dan about skiing, I was so like, you know, effusive about skiing and so passionate. And he goes, you know, Chelsea, if you can achieve that feeling when you're skiing, this like one with the, you know, not one with the universe, but I was like, I just feel so high when I ski. And he goes, yeah, that's, you know, rush.

like you're one you feel like at home in the mountains and i'm like no i just like to fucking ski dan and then he goes you know if you feel like that when you're skiing if you have that that point of elation you can feel that at home in your regular day-to-day life through meditation i'm like oh fuck you dan now you do though well now i do feel i don't feel that i'm working on it but meditation listen i gotta tell you guys i'm not somebody who subscribes to all of that stuff and I my psychiatrist said meditate for three months I just want you to commit three minutes a day and I was like three months is like a pregnancy you know that's too long and he's like no that's actually not what a pregnancy is and that's my pregnancies were but so I did I did commit and I

have to tell you I did three minutes a day headspace then I did five minutes a day then I did 10 minutes a day and I swear it has changed my life like I am calmer and it will I mean it's everything together but for all in edibles well edibles helped me meditate they were the gateway drug to get me to fucking sit down long enough that I could go finally I was like oh my god today I went and I meditated in the middle of the afternoon and I woke up it feels good I mean it's it all fucking works and people talk about it because it does work so if you're a cynic like me I just want to you know there's hope out there I want to read you guys a passage

from my book before I go so I have these I Decide bracelets and I Decide t-shirts that we're selling outside, all the proceeds go to LGBTQIA youth so you're donating to a good cause to keep them off the streets

and to keep them loved and safe and sound, just like all of us when we grew up I want to read this passage Just don't stare at my ass, Mary. Cute. I didn't know then that my brother's death was defining me. I didn't know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death.

Now I was with a person, Dan, who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine-year-old into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you are in pain, thereby beginning the process of relinquishing that pain. I was in a place where my brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It is a part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part

and it may have helped steer me in a certain direction but it is not all of me. I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave and I choose to be better, to look more carefully, to trudge deeper to think about other people's pasts and not judge someone for doing or handling

something differently than I would to understand my limitations and my shortcomings that is my growth edge to know I'm not going to go through something I'm not going to circle around something and hoping to avoid it that I'm going to go through it sitting it and experiencing and feeling and not running to understand that things take time and to be okay sitting with my pain no one is fully cooked no person is complete i choose to be better i hope you all choose to be better too i decide thank you phoenix for coming out tonight and thank you to mary mccormick for Tryin' on stage with her Yaya

You guys want an orange? Well, Brandon, what is your review? Anything with you and Mary I'm on board for Really? Yeah What's been your favorite show so far? You know, I really like Jake Tapper, which I think was the first that you did But Mary, probably

because it's the most natural for me to hear you on stage with Mary. I only ask Brandon that because he has to listen to all these podcasts with me every week when we listen to them before we let them, before they drop. Mary can challenge you and she can like stay on beat with you where some other people, they don't pick it up quite as quick and Mary really serves it back.

And that's why this was probably one of my favorites. Well, it's an important brand in that you have favorites. It is. And to express those on a regular basis. Can you not be on your phone while we're recording a podcast? I mean, speaking of favorites, she's right here in front of you. Duly noted. Goodbye.

Life Will Be the Death of Me is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survived what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality,

welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast? We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by.

The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it.

Oh, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh... No way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.