Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Night Kayak with Sam Jay

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Sam Jay flew in to talk to Chelsea about showering at the airport, the dark side of comedy tours, and why you should always have an escape plan when shacking up with a celebrity in Europe.  Then: A southerner worries she’s dating a gay man - again.  A New Yorker is letting his friends run his life.  And a husband won’t give up his work bestie for his wife… but is something more going on?   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine.

Hi, Chelsea. Okay, so I just had a very quick turnaround. I just came from LA to Whistler right after the Critics' Choice Awards, which were Sunday. Monday morning, I woke up with my new baby, Doug. My dog, Doug, is a fucking dream boat. I feel like all of my dog karma has finally come full circle. Amazing. I mean, Chunk was my very best.

He was my sweetheart, my first. He made me a mother. but this dog is it's almost like my dream dog is in front of me and I had to go to so the same place I got Bert and Bernice they had some chows so they brought some chows to audition for me in LA when I was home for the Critics Choice Awards I came home for four days and I went to this park oh this is a good story I went to this park and this guy's walking towards me and there's these two metal gates and I kind of opened them to I'm looking for these dog people because they said they were bringing me two chows and so I'm looking for these dog people and I have the gates

like open like I don't know two inches each like I hadn't shut them because I was just peeking in to see if I was at the right place right this guy comes running up to me and he's like can you please shut the metal gates he's and I go well no I will when I get back out I'm just taking a look he goes it takes one second before there is a dog killed on Barrington and I go sir you need to relax I am looking for a dog right now and he goes oh oh you're looking for a dog how funny you must have you already lost your dog you lost your dog oh god and I was looking at him I go sir whatever happened to you this morning has nothing to do with me so shut up and stop communicating with me and then he goes you celebrities are so entitled you are I go oh oh really that's what

this is about me being a celebrity and coming into a dog park I go sir just stop talking to me And they were across the street at a different park. But right as I was walking away, he goes, Chelsea Handler, you're a whore. What an interesting choice of something to say. Such, he was so unhinged that it was so funny. Like, I couldn't stop laughing. Like, Chelsea Handler, you're a whore? I'm like, I couldn't wait.

I wanted to go, sir, I want you to go home tonight. And when you're reflecting on your day, like, what are you thinking? Like, way to go. Way to go off on Chelsea Handler because she's such an entitled bitch because she opened a gate at a dog park and didn't close it. Oh, my God. That is when you know it's, like, just not about you. Just not about you. It was so funny.

It was so funny. But anyway. So, anyway, I met Doug. Who is beautiful. Doug is a – okay. Do you know how hard it is to get a full chow? The reason I've never had a full chow is because you have to buy them. And I don't want to buy a dog.

I want to rescue dogs, obviously. So I've never had a full chow. Doug is eight months. He's a baby. I've never had a baby. I mean, I had Gary, but you know how that went. I had to return Gary to send her. But he's eight months.

He's housebroken. He's black. He is full bodied. He is a lover. He loves my Belle. My Belle's already trying to pull her bullshit and stir up shit by taking him. She has him right now because he has to get vaccinated to come to Canada. And then Casey's going to drive him up here next week.

but I literally patted my bed because I moved into my new house my bedroom and my gym and my bathroom are ready so it's like hotel living the rest of the house is still a construction site but I'm like I don't care

I'm moving in I pat my bed and Doug just comes up on the bed he rolls around plays with you he runs I've never had a dog that could run and he is a lover

he loves Felix he loves my Belle he loves Carla he loves Casey he loves me he's so cuddly he lies on his back and puts his legs up in the air

for you to rub his belly. Oh, my God. I mean, it's my dream dog. And I'm like, it's happening. Chelsea. After all these years, I finally got a dream dog. And you listened to your gut, and you waited for him, and he waited for you.

And it's love. It is love. I love Doug. And you were just telling Z-Way that you wanted a black chow because she has black chows. And you're like, oh, my God, I want this. So it just worked out perfectly. I know.

And I mean, you don't get an eight-month-old dog that is a full chow, that is beautiful, and he's housebroken. Oh, that's truly the cherry on top. I mean, he's just, I just am so lucked out. I feel so grateful for this dog and he is gonna, he and I are gonna have such a great time together.

Yeah, are he and Bernice getting along? Bernice is in Whistler, so I'm with Bernice. I wanted to come back and have some alone time with her before, because she and I are just finally hitting our stride too. And so I don't know how she's gonna feel about Doug, but I have a feeling that Doug is gonna put a little pep in her step.

Yeah. Because she needs to pick up the fucking pace. That's definitely what's happened with Mimsy is like she's eight, she's getting a little crotchety, but like she runs around after these puppies and like this is the best thing we could have done for her health, I think. Yes. Yeah, I think that's true. So that's good. The Critics' Choice was a fucking blast. Oh my God, you look so amazing. Oh, thank you. I had such an incredible time. So many incredible moments. And the overall feeling I had that I recognized on that day was I've done so many high profile events, you know, where there's pressure or filming your special or filming something and, or doing award shows, you name it. This was one of the first times where I recognized that I had no nerves at all. I was

just pure excitement. Like I couldn't wait to get out on stage and, and show everyone how it's done. Like I couldn't wait to go show my professionalism and that, you know, like, and I just wanted it to happen. I was like, it was noon. I'm like, I want to go. And then between my fashion and my looks and all the hair and makeup. I mean, I've never spoken about fashion and dresses more than I did leading up to this with my team, because we had so many dresses that looked so incredible and we had to keep narrowing it down and, and they wanted me to do more outfit changes. And I just think that's silly. I'm not going to, the night isn't about the host changing. So I didn't want to do that many, but anyway, it was one of those nights where I just was so in my own feet and in my own

body with every moment. And I was like, I know I could do this and I'm going to crush it. And I did. And it was just like a very beautiful cementing of like all my hard work and all of my focus and energy and doing all the work that you do on yourself. Like you don't necessarily see it right away, which is why I think people get frustrated with therapy or with meditation or with any of these other things because they want instant results and it doesn't work instantly. It works in phases.

And like, I'm in this moment right now and this isn't gonna last forever either. I'm sure I will have find a time to be insecure about something again. But to recognize that you're in these moments when you are in your flow state and you are firing and you're in the zone is an amazing, very fulfilling feeling.

Yeah, and you could really tell too, it showed on your face, it showed in your body. You just seemed like you were up there having fun and like just filled with joy like you seemed very relaxed and I also have to say this because we talked about this I well we're going to talk about this but I was very relaxed there were a couple people that were going to be at this show when I saw like you know when I was rehearsing and you see all these names and you're like oh my god fucking Harrison Ford sitting right in front of me and fucking De Niro is there and you're like I'm gonna be you know and there were

a couple people there that I thought for sure did not like me like I just I just had a feeling these people did not like me sure there are three people actually that I was like oh that person doesn't like me that person is like all three of those people came up to me and gave me kudos for my show for the for the show for my career for things that like it was just so funny that I had these three people in mind and in succession all three of those people approached me telling me giving me compliments that's so funny because they also kind of just like thought that but not come up and told you about it. No, but it's like this universal intelligence

that we keep talking about or that I keep banging on about. I'm just feeling it so much. I just feel so grounded lately that I just know like, I know what I'm doing. I know what's right. I know that.

I just thought I'm just going to win these three people over tonight. Like that's what I'm going to do. And whether they were not on my side to begin with or not is irrelevant because that's the right attitude. Even if you have people that don't like you or you've had a bad experience with,

because you can turn on it always. There's always an opportunity to give them a new experience and a new version of you. Yeah. I love that. I love that. Well, congratulations. That's such an achievement and you look like you had a lot of fun. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And who knew I finally have the body I want when I'm 48 years old. I mean, honestly, I am in the best shape of my life and I'm 48. So anyone listening to me, it is possible. So it is getting better. My life is getting better with age, I have to say. Like a fine line. Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, today we have a very special guest who you know very well. Oh, yes. We have my boo on today. Okay. Yes. She's a comedian. She has a new special on Max called Salute Me or Shoot Me.

And please, yes, yes, watch it. She's awesome. Sam Jay. My SUV is worth more than ever. Time to upgrade? There's never been a better time. At Plaza Auto Group locations, get top value for your trade and shop hundreds of new and pre-owned vehicles across 11 locations. And if you can't come to us, we'll come to you.

With best-in-class pricing, unbeatable trade values, and 70 years of trust, it's easy to see why families choose the Plaza Auto Group. Plaza Auto Group, celebrating 70 years family-owned and operated. Visit plazaautogroup.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club,

part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages. Okay, I've got this fucking bitch with me right now, Sam Jay. Okay, first of all, if you haven't seen her stand-up special, you better watch it because it's really, really funny. Have you actually watched it, Chelsea? Yes. Oh, okay. Of course I watched it.

I posted about it. I fucking posted about it, bitch, but you don't even know how to use the internet, so how the fuck would you know? I don't know how to use the internet. I know. I mean, would you really watch it? You think I would say I watched it if I didn't watch it?

I don't know. It felt like you were doing a commercial. Well, I mean, I am because you're on the podcast. So Sam's late to the podcast. By the way, Sam's late to everything. So let's just get that out of the way. Sam's late to the podcast because she took a shower where? At the Delta Sky Lounge in LAX.

She was excited about telling that to me. She was excited to share that with me. So I have a little story to back it up. Did you wash your legs? I did wash my legs. Okay, because I got a talking to from Sam is in a long-term relationship with a woman who is batshit crazy. and her name is fucking Yaya

we're gonna have her on the podcast at some time too because she would be really good at giving people advice she will go off on people cause she

she went off on me they came to Mallorca we had a comedy weekend we had Vanessa Gonzalez who you know opens for me on my tour we had

her partner he's not her husband and then Yaya and Sam are a couple then Fortune Fortune Feimster and her wife

Jax and then Jamie was just random Jamie Greenberg my makeup artist And I was assaulted by Yaya. I mean, emotionally assaulted so many times throughout the vacation. And she fucking will flip.

That bitch will flip on a dime. She is fucking normal and fun. And then after 9 p.m., something happens at 9 where she's just like, listen, bitch. And then she starts yelling at me for being white. And one of the conversations, she's always yelling at me for being white. You know, like I had the choice. And then one of the days we got in this conversation about white girls showering versus black girls showering.

And I've had this conversation with Tiffany. Haddish. Haddish, yes. Because she said the same thing to me once. She was like, do you wash your legs in the shower? And I was like, wash my legs? I'm like, I don't think so. I mean, what are my legs?

It's so crazy that you guys don't do that. They're clever. Whoa, you believe this too. I had to start though because I heard Tel about this and I was like, I guess I gotta wash my legs, but I never used to. That is, I really want to know, like, how this step gets skipped. Okay, I'm going to tell you.

Because, first of all, my legs are covered most of the day. So, what's getting in there? You're still sweating and stuff, girl. I'm not leg sweating. All right. My legs are not sweating. Your legs are not sweating at all. No, I have underarms.

That's a sweaty area. All right, this is what I want you to do. Before, the one time you shower, before you do anything, take a white rag. All right. Soap it. That's a good idea, actually. Clean your legs and see what's on the rag. Okay.

And then you will understand that there is dirt on your legs. Okay, I am so busy wiping my Pikachu clean and cleaning my asshole and my underarms that I'm like, those are my three hot spots. And I very rarely, sometimes the bottom of my feet, if things got dicey that day. Come on, Pikachu. So then Sam was like, I can't believe white girls don't wash their legs. You have to wash your legs. You have to wash your legs.

So I tried it like a few times. And I was like, I reported back to Yaya too. I was like, all right, I've been washing my legs. And I'm like, I just don't feel that much of a difference. Because I feel like my legs, even when I ski, even when I ski, which I know you're not going to fucking do. I don't ski. I ski. I told you that I know how to ski.

I'm from Boston. I would need like a refresher because I haven't skied in a long time. But I know the mechanics of skiing. Okay. Okay. You're right. Anyway, my point was, even when I ski, I am fucking, like, everyone gets hot and sweaty when they ski. I don't even ski with underpants on.

Like, I ski with ski pants and nothing else because I'm so warm all the time. So, my legs are definitely never sweating. Do your underarms sweat? Are you just not a sweat person? No, my underarms will sweat. I can get some fun going there. Nothing in the crack right here. No sweat build up in there.

I mean, I don't look back there a lot, so I don't know what's going on back there. She's talking to the back of my knees, and I'm not doing anything back there. I mean, unless somebody was holding me up, like I was having crazy sex, and they were holding my legs behind my head, like pushing on the backs of my knees. Maybe then I would have fingerprints or something, but that's the most I can imagine. Anyway, we had them there for a week,

and let's talk about some of the highlights of that week because that was fucking fun. It was a great week. My favorite part of the story is that Sam revealed to us at the end of the trip that on their way to my house in Spain that they didn't know what kind of host I was going to be so that they had made alternative backup plans in case they had to get out of Dodge

because I was like a nightmare or... We did. What was the reasoning? Break it down for our listeners. I mean, you just never know. Like, especially like with like... You're like... I would...

You know what? You're a comedy legend, Chelsea. You're a comedy legend. Thank you, Sam. You are just a high-level comedian. You've had a lot of success. A lot of people love you. You can kind of go anywhere on this planet

and people are like, yeah, that's Chelsea Handler and she's the best. And that type of energy makes some people crazy. So I just wasn't sure. Like, it's one thing you meet people in passing or you have a quick moment here and there. And you're like, they chill. But then you're in their home.

They might not be so chill. So I just didn't want to be stuck in Mallorca in your house if you wasn't that chill. So I was like, well, let's just make sure we have some other options in case it's weird. I fucking love that. I mean, how funny is that? And honestly, I am always ready to bounce. Like, I have a special signal to Carla when I'm traveling. And I don't stay with a lot of people because I have the same experiences.

I don't like being under somebody else's watch. I don't like not being able to open up a fridge. I need to have access to everything. And I don't want to be everyone looking around at me. Like, I need to feel like I'm home. So I don't like to stay with a lot of people. And so sometimes I just text Carla one letter, and that means I got to go. yeah we had our

we had our signal yeah well we had our signal I bet we were ready it was not necessary let's say that it was not necessary

yeah we had a good time the other thing that Sam did I mean I would like to report on her being a guest now because the other thing Sam did was she didn't bring any drugs I didn't bring any drugs

she didn't bring any drugs to Spain but then wanted all of my drugs I did which as a generous host listen everyone everyone who knows me knows how I'm a giver

you can take the shirt off my back and I will fucking fly around topless you know what I mean I don't need it. And I'm always happy to give. But I was almost out of drugs. Out of drugs by the time Sam left. I had to give her medicine every 30 seconds.

Every 30 seconds? Well, okay, fine. Every 45 seconds. And then fucking Yaya is like, bitch, what you doing to my girlfriend? She's on the ground. She's all sorts of fucked up because you gave her some LSD or mushroom or whatever the fuck. And I was like, Yaya, please don't act like I'm the problem here. Clearly Sam is the problem.

And you already know about it. Chelsea is kind of a bad influence because I've never done acid before. I was like, I won't do that. That sounds nutty. And Chelsea was like, just do it and shut up. And I was like, all right. And it was great. Sounds like it was a perfect combination.

You liked it. You liked it. The LSD. I liked it. It was a cool vibe. It was on the same vibe as mushrooms, I think. Yeah, it wasn't crazy. Oh, actually, I have some chocolate mushrooms in my thing I can give to you.

See, I'm still trying to give to her. I'm still trying to give to her. So then we go to New York City, and during our trip, Sam had these Louis Vuitton, like, Birkenstock type of shoes that I used one day. I wore one day because I didn't have them. And I was like, wow, these are really nice. These are really broken in. Like, I would love this. And Yaya was like, oh, we'll get you a pair.

I'm like, actually, I wouldn't mind this pair, you know, because they were already broken in. I was like, seems like we have the same exact foot situation already. Anyway, we go to dinner. Sam's in L.A. I go to dinner with Yaya, some other friends in New York City, and fucking Yaya, her crazy bitch girlfriend, wife, girlfriend, wife, soon to be wife. Yeah, we'll keep that on the back. We have to keep her at fiance.

Crazy bitch fiance. It's complicated. She shows up to our dinner with a DHL box that was literally the size of a Toyota Echo. It was that big. She's like, did you get our present? We sent you a thank you present. I'm like, you don't need to send me a thing. She goes, oh, no, no, no, we did, we did.

We sent you a thank you present. Did you like the glasses, too? We got you some cool smart glasses. We had some great classes for my new, because we were talking about the Smurfs, how much I love the Smurfs. So it was a very thoughtful thank you gift. And I loved it. Thank you so much. You didn't have to get me anything.

And I gave you some mushroom gummies, bro. Oh, you did? You know what? You know what? That was in New York. And you know what? I ended up giving them away because that's how sweet I am. The guy I shared them with, my friend Terrence, goes, oh, my God, where are those mushroom gummies?

I go, let me mail them to you. I have the whole jar right here. Because I get so many drugs. I got to give you my guys in full. So, have you been getting a lot of amazing feedback about your special? People are liking it. People are definitely... It's cool.

I'm proud of it. People dig it. They get what I was trying to do. It's on HBO, everybody. And I feel good about it. I mean, sorry, it's Max. It's on Max now. That's never going to happen naturally, saying Max over HBO.

And now you're on tour. I'm touring. And... Oh, oh, and then this is the latest. She's on tour, and her yaya is with her on tour. Fucking getting into it, left and right, with audience members, anyone who speaks up or talks during a show

she fucking goes to town on I got in the car the other morning because we're both on tour and I was with Vanessa and Carla they're like have you seen Yaya's stories and I'm like and they told me that she's just going off on some woman who's telling her to calm down a white woman

they had a whole thing and the lady got the lady didn't know she was my fiance she thought she was just like an audience member so the lady was like I'm getting you thrown out of here and I was like no you're about to leave ma'am the lady did get kicked out how has it been being on the road with her it's always fun I mean I'm really really into my relationship now there was a time when I was being a rascal and I was which I like to bring up and

she's like just I go so were you guys always faithful to each other when we're in Mallorca I go are you guys always faithful and Sam goes what the fuck are you doing Chelsea Shut the fuck up. I can't help myself, though. I love the, you know, I love, like, the dirt. I want the tea right away. And when I was being a rascal, I feel like I was always trying to, like, go on the road by myself. But now, like, that I'm really, like, locked in and I'm doing the thing, I love having her around.

It's just better. I actually do more when I'm on the road. When she's not around, I'm just in the hotel room watching bad porn, being, like, a weirdo all day. and I don't come out till it's showtime and it's like like a goblin of sorts you know I do the same fucking thing when she's around I go to the museums I go out to eat I take walks you know what I mean and then she's there she remembers the sets and like she'll remind me of jokes and she also yells at audience members so that I don't have to be bothered with them so it's actually great that's good because it can be daunting being on the road it's lonely dude and it gets really

isolating and you get really depressed like you don't think it's going to happen that way but it gets really depressing really fast yeah there is a depressing element to it because like like you

like I like to drink Sam likes to drink we all drink I mean I don't know either if it's a comic either you drink or you're sober

and um yeah good point but I agree there are many days where I'm just like but I you know I really like to be in bed

but I don't like to be in bed feeling like shit I like to be in bed when I'm happy sometimes when I'm like okay this is like if I'm not in the right hotel room

if it doesn't have the right light exposure if it's not nice enough I'm not happy It's like a little jail cell. Yeah, I have to make sure I'm in it. Sometimes we check in, I go, I can't stay in this room. Sometimes you go to these towns where it's like, it don't matter.

There's just nothing here, you know? No offense to the place, but it's like, you can put me in any hotel. I'm going to be facing a brick wall looking at nothing. And you're just like, why am I doing this? It really makes you question the whole thing. I know. Like, what is this for? I had a friend say to me recently at Comic, she was like,

because she's always like I don't know how you tour so much I'm like I'm in that zone right now I'm just loving touring and I've just whatever I go I usually sometimes I don't but right now I'm into it so I'm just going to keep it going and she goes I feel like she goes I went on my tour and she goes and I'm sitting backstage about to go on stage and I'm just thinking

to myself this is the dream right this was the dream and now you it can be easy to forget that this is what you wanted I thought that it was going to be the best life in the world like there was a time like prayed for it like I was like I just want to do comedy in different cities every night and meet people.

And I would just love to have shows all over the country. And now I'm like, I got to go to fucking Utah. I know. I know. But Utah's fun, actually. The show's there. The show's there. You're going to Salt Lake City?

Yeah, I'm excited. But when you, it's like, it's just one of those things when you first hear it, you're like, what? Yeah, but Utah's not. And then I, like, dug into Utah. Utah's fun. And I was like, let me look up some stuff and, like, let me see what's going on out there. And now I'm like, I kind of want to go to Utah. Right, right.

Right. Talk to me about becoming more successful as a comedian and having people, more people recognize you. How are you handling all of that, that aspect of things? You know, it's been super chill. I think I have cool fans. I think you build your fan base to some degree. It's like your attitude, your energy, your fans kind of reflect that. And I'm not a big like type of person. So my fans don't ever approach me with too much. They're always just like, yo, Sam, what's up? Yeah, right. I mess with you. You mad funny. And I'm like, oh, thank you. So it's been very chill and like manageable, especially like I personally like when the older black people like tell me to keep going and like they see what I'm doing and like they appreciate it. That makes me feel really good because I am trying to just, you know, uphold some legacy of black art and being vocal about our black experience in this country.

So when older people who have really been through the shit can look at what I'm saying and see the genuineness in it and the Black excellence in it, then that feels good to me, you know? And then my white fans, they're chill. They're a little more, uh-uh, but they so chill. Yeah. Talk a little bit about Black excellence. I like that term a lot. So I want to hear a Black woman talking about that. black excellence just you know like we have a legacy of barrier-breaking artists not just

groundbreaking but really having to break barriers to be heard to be seen I think that's a lot of where the term black excellence comes from this this need to have to rise above and then rise above again just to get to any level of recognition and you have to actually be excellent you can't just be okay you can't just be like on par you have to be excellent and especially older black people they have seen that with like the greatest to do it the Diana Ross's they've seen it with the Dick Gregory so if they look at me at all and go like hey young lady we see some of that in you then I'm honored yeah it's interesting because I was like oh and when I didn't realize that the term meant like that you have to be excellent in order to get through I thought it was just when

I first heard it that it was just about about black excellence and it's like no it's almost like black excellence is mandatory to get through and that's a different framework of looking at it and we had some deep conversations when we were in my work i took people kayaking at the wee hours of the night drunk i drunk and that's not dangerous i just want to say i live in on a bay we didn't go out into the ocean we lived we were in a little port and i just and it's and they were so fucking scared that i was gonna capsize a kayak i'm like guys there's no current there's no there's like the tide is low it's dark as shit chelsea's drunk as shit we're coming from a restaurant none of us talked about a kayak and chelsea just goes i'm kayaking and just starts like

getting it all together and we're like okay and the only thing that gave us comfort is we were all worried and carla went she does this all the time and just went in the house and we were like All right, then this must be fun. I got up in the middle of dinner, grabbed my mango daiquiri. I'm like, I'm going for a kayak ride. I was like, I've hit a wall. So I went. Sometimes the ocean is calling me, you know, and I've got to get in it.

And I just want to say I've given over like probably 60 kayak rides and nothing has ever happened. It doesn't matter what condition I'm in because I'm at one with the water. And you're going two miles an hour, by the way. No one's going faster than that. You're just like on this bay circling around boats. Sometimes you hit a boat, but you can't even. We tapped a boat.

It was no big deal. Yeah, but you're not going fast enough to do any damage. But just go with me here on the visual. I want to paint a picture of Sam's body language when she got in the kayak, which was fucking erect and fucking tight. Like she was sitting up straight with her hands behind her back, holding onto the kayak, but slightly shaking because of the nerves and scared. She was so scared.

I was like, Sam, it's going to be okay. It's going to relax. And then as we started going, because you're under the moonlight, so it's so gorgeous, you know. you're like underneath the stars and the stars are so bright in Mallorca and you're just watching the port so you get out there and you can see the whole town in front of you all that is very true but like my blackness knew like I didn't have no business out on this kayak with this white woman at this hour in this country so I'm like if something goes wrong everybody in my family's

gonna be like what was she doing out there with their wife I would I would never lie I would swim your ass back to shore doesn't matter how shit-faced I am you would be on my back I do You know how many people I've saved swimming? Well, only one really, but I could do it again. But anyway, as we went out there, we were talking about your mother and we were talking about her relationship with her mother. It was a very deep, meaningful conversation. And I was coming back in and then she just really started to relax.

And I was like, well, we're going to hang out then. We're not going in because now she's relaxed and she's looking up at the stars and the moon and it was really beautiful. Every night there is so beautiful. And you said some very profound things about your mother who's no longer with you. Yes.

So can you talk a little bit about your dynamic with your mom and your relationship with her and how it's impacted you? Man, yeah. I was, well, I was really a mama's, like, a mama's girl, if that exists. Like, spent a lot of time with my mom. We were kind of best friends. We would do everything together. She was very much, like, one of those black excellence mothers would, like, drill black history into me, take me to see Alvin Ailey every year when they came to the city, make sure I went to, like, see black plays, made sure I was you know well-read and just you know had some education about myself and all that

kind of stuff but mostly she was a person that was focused on making a whole person I noticed a lot of people just like feed a kid and take care of it but she was really into like who I was going to be and like what type of human I was going to be in the world and she spent a lot of time like building a human which I really appreciate there's there were so many times where she would check my behavior and I didn't understand it but now that I'm older I was like oh she was just nipping some some nasty shit in the bud before it got too nasty and giving me real perspective like when I was little I was like a little bit of a mean girl and I could be a little bit of a bully and like if I ever would act like that and my family or cousins would come over and I'd stop

being nasty and didn't want to share my toys she would like pull me to the side and be like you don't treat people that way and like now they're playing with anything they want and you go sit over here by yourself because you don't know how to behave and like just stuff like that she was always actively parenting and then when she was sick and she was passing away and she knew she was sick and was most likely going to pass away from lupus she really started to like kick it into high gear of just like making sure I had the stuff that I needed you know and I just remember one poignant moment when I was about 15 and my mother passed away when I was 16 and I was really acting out I was acting out in school I was like coming home late I was just not acting of my character

because I was so upset about what was happening I just really didn't know where to place any of the feelings and I had started to just kind of separate from her that's really what I was trying to do I didn't want to be hurt when she died so I started to try to like just act like I didn't just try to separate that connection so I started like hang out late with friends and not coming home and just shit like that and one day she just pulled me to the side and she was like are you mad at me and I was like no and she was like you're lying you're mad at me and I was like so scared to tell her that I was angry with her because I was like what kind of person does that make me to be angry with my mom just because she's sick you know what I mean like she can't do anything about

that but I am really angry you know and she was like that she's okay yeah that she's dying that she was gonna leave me that she wasn't the same mom that I knew just four years ago you know what I mean we couldn't do the same things together and we were so close and always together and now she's kind of bedridden and can't go outside and there's always doctors around and home health days and it's just not what I'm used to you know and she was like it's okay she was like I know you're mad at me and I know you don't know how to tell me but it's okay and you deserve to be angry this is you know this is a a situation that is upsetting and I'm your mother and there are things that I am supposed to do and I can't do them and I get how that hurts you and I just started like fucking

bawling I mean I just started crying because it was like fear but also relief that like oh she sees me and understands this and I'm not like a fucking monster for feeling this way and then she passed away the next year and I'm always very grateful for that conversation because I don't know I would probably had a lot more guilt on my hands without it yeah I'd probably been feeling way more guilt and I'd have carried that and it was already hard enough to figure myself out after that but I can't imagine if I had added this super layer of guilt on top of that and I think you know she was such a dynamic parent that she had the hindsight to relieve me of that and uh you know I just, I'll always have a special place in my heart for my mom.

Well, I don't think it's a little. I mean, I don't, I mean, there is no one that, I mean, hopefully when your mother is a full bodied person, which is what she was trying to encourage you to be, there is no one that sees you like your mother sees you. Yeah, just a good woman. And in times when I was very lost without her and didn't really have my way anymore and I started to do some things that I felt were really against my character, I leaned on her lessons and who she was. So I always say she still was my parent all through my life, even though she wasn't alive, because all of her lessons and everything that she laid the groundwork for parented me in the crucial hours when she wasn't there. So it was still like I had a mom. Oh, I love that. Well, on that note, let's take a break and we'll be right back.

My SUV is worth more than ever. Time to upgrade. There's never been a better time. At Plaza Auto Group locations, get top value for your trade and shop hundreds of new and pre-owned vehicles across 11 locations. And if you can't come to us, we'll come to you. With best-in-class pricing, unbeatable trade values, and 70 years of trust, it's easy to see why families choose the Plaza Auto Group. Plaza Auto Group, celebrating 70 years family-owned and operated. Visit plazaautogroup.com.

When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything. Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with

Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table.

It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. And we're back. And we're back. I love what you said about your mother. There are so many mothers listening.

So, I mean, there is a big differentiation between parenting and being like, okay, they have to go to school, get fed, and da-da-da, and actually shaping the person that they become. Yeah. And also, all along, allowing space for the emotions that you have, you know, because I always say, like, people think they own their children. It's like, that's not your property. that's just of you like they are here because of you and be and by way of you yeah but that's it like truly engaging your kids like my mom would ask me a lot of stuff about how I felt what I thought you know even before we would go to the doctor she'd be like what are you going to talk to the doctor about today what are you feeling what's bothering you like just giving

me autonomy over myself I think is super important yeah so you guys don't know how to parent better me and Chelsea. Yeah. Hot parenting tips is the hotline where you can contact me. Yes, indeed. Are we ready for some advice? I think so. Sounds like it. I feel like Sam's ready. Yeah. You ready, Sam? I'm ready. Well, our first question comes from L. Dear Chelsea, I have a predicament and it's hard to stand by and watch. I've been with my husband for eight years and his sister, who I love, has been with her husband for 12 years. We love them both, but they've had a conflict for the past two years due to his inappropriate relationship with a co-worker who we all think he cheated on her with. He's never confirmed it, but he has

engaged in a lot of inappropriate behavior, such as being in her room overnight while on a ski trip, lying to his wife about staying over in Fire Island with this woman, and also claiming she is his, quote, best friend. They're in couples therapy, and he is in his own therapy for his depression, which I personally think is fueled by his secrecy of what he's done. He even said he's unwilling to completely let go of this, quote, friendship for the sake of their marriage. My sister-in-law says that in her gut, she does believe something happened, but she feels she, quote, needs confirmation. Eye roll. I'm a therapist myself, and so it's difficult from not only a personal standpoint, but a professional standpoint to watch this go on. No one else knows

this is happening. She wants kids as she's in her mid-30s now, and the situation is, of course, not making her want kids with him anytime soon so she's putting her life on pause for him i encourage her to set firm boundaries which she struggles with what else do i say to her i really want to say something to him and he knows she confides in us it's so hard to watch her hurt meanwhile we all know the untold truth sincerely l well from your from one rascal to another what's your advice you you're a cheat you were a cheater whoa whoa whoa see what i'm saying this is this is That's what I'm talking about. A ravel rouser.

Really? There's nothing she can do. She got them on her business. Yeah, there's really nothing she can do. Like, what are you going to do? Like, your sister, she has a hard time creating boundaries, so that means she's not, like, as strong as she can be. And she doesn't want to know the truth,

even though her gut is telling her something different. Anyone who lies about sleeping with a woman in a place is lying because they did something. Right. Not because they didn't want to upset you, because you can tell the truth and say, listen, I know this sounds bad. That's not true, bro. That's not true.

Here we go. That's not true. That's not true. There's been plenty of times where things like that have happened. I really did not do anything. But I'm like, it doesn't matter. If I come with this whole truth and I go, yo, I didn't do anything, I'm going to live under the same suspicion as if I don't

because she's not going to believe I didn't do anything. Yeah. I'm telling you, I've literally lived it. So it's not all, that's not all the way true. But the problem is, most likely, he was already displaying certain behaviors, and that's where I wasn't taking responsibility. It was the fact that I was already doing other shit that made me less believable in that situation. Even though I was telling the truth in that situation, my track record was fucked. Like, in a loving, happy relationship, I would say to the guy, like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend, I would say, oh, by the way, I slept in a bed with this guy last night.

Like, I don't know why I would do that because, I mean, I'm too old for that shit. But maybe, maybe there would be some circumstance I couldn't get home or something. But I would always front load the truth because I'm not guilty of anything. You know what I mean? In that realm, like in my relationships. I'm not some sort of, you know, I'm not up to, one relationship at a time is exhausting enough. Yeah.

So, and also him saying that he wouldn't, that he wouldn't end his friendship with his coworker over his marriage. Hello? Like, I mean, she's just going to find out he's cheating on her at some point. So it would be more proactive to, like, get to the bottom of it now. So, yeah. But there's nothing you can do. No, I think as a sister, you have to let everybody learn the lessons that they're supposed to learn.

Stay out of people's marriage. I have a firm stay out of people's marriage rule. Like, marriage is a whole different sport. People have a lot tied into that. You get in the middle of some stuff, and then they don't leave. Yeah, but you're the one who told Rosebud's husband to get plugs. I saved their marriage. That's different.

I'm the reason that baby's here okay oh my god yeah you probably did save that marriage I wouldn't put it past you I mean would you say anything to the husband I mean what do you I would because I'm a confrontational person and I would be like hey fuck face I fucking know what you're up to yeah totally just to get a read on the situation because I'm pretty good at telling if people are lying or not, I mean, it's pretty easy to spot a liar. Yeah. People lie and they act like, you know, they can't

look you in the eye. They're distracted. But she knows he's lying. The wife knows he's lying. Especially if that's his wife. Yeah. She knows that he's lying. She's just not ready to deal with it. Yeah, she's not ready. And also, your gut is like, how many times can we say this? You have got to listen to your gut. Your gut is telling you the truth. Yes. And the only time

your gut is wrong is maybe if you're so high that you're a little bit paranoid and that might be fake, like a false intuition. but like when you're clear-headed and you have this feeling and it doesn't go away it's because something is not right yeah yeah they say you have more like brain cells more thinking cells in your stomach than in your actual brain so like your gut is actually communicating with you it's physically literally telling you stuff we just have to listen I think also the question that comes up for me too is like saying to your sister like if this is not the deal breaker if like not

knowing whether he cheated whether he didn't cheat it is not the deal breaker do you really still want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way who says he would not give up a friendship for you who says you know that's probably an unhealthy thing who lies to you etc who's being cagey like is that enough for you even if he didn't cheat is that an okay relationship for you to stay in no I mean it's not it's not no none of it yeah exactly there you go yeah they marry though yeah yeah but still I don't know man I think I think I think we like to live in a world where we like to make these things so clear cut

and so is this that or is this this you meet people at different places and phases in their life they're going through different shit some of it is

if you fuck with a person are you just going to deal with this person's shit are you willing to dig in there unpack it figure out why they are the way they are

why they're moving the way they're moving because there could be a million reasons and it's not just oh cheating because even under cheating there's usually a lot of shit

as to why someone moves this way and why someone gets whatever they get out of cheating and so it's like are you are you do you want to work with this person and then the boundaries of how you're willing to work with this person which is hard for someone who's like I'm bad at boundary setting it's the thing I we talk about a couple's therapy all the time as I was not good at setting boundaries and we get into this big discussion about partially that is not the reason but that was a partial reason why I cheated is because I

was feeling so violated in my relationship and I was not good at going stop I don't like this or this makes me feel this way or this does this to me I was just splintering okay fine you're gonna do that do you I'll just go over here and do me and that's not the way to handle it which is why I say it's like do you just you got to decide if you want to deal with the person that's why I say stay out there marriage because you just don't know if she could also be doing shit you don't know about their inner workings of what's happening there she might understand more than you understand like, oh, some of this is based on this or that. Like, you just don't know their business.

Yeah. Or she could just go directly to the source and ask the girl. Oh. Oh. Not that she'll always tell you the truth because she said she needs a confirmation. She's got a gut but she wants a confirmation. Go to the girl and ask her. Which, if she hasn't done it yet, it's because she knows it's true because that's usually a woman's first move is to text the woman.

Yeah. But texting is no good. It's a face to face because then you can read the signs, read the eyes. Yeah. Like, my girlfriend was having, someone was having an affair. Her husband was having an affair with this other woman and my girlfriend same thing they're now divorced thankfully but same thing she went over to his house to snoop and guess who was there the girl that he denied having a relationship with and and they were sorry they were separated at this point so they

were married and they were getting separated and she didn't know because he kept denying it i've never cheated i've never cheated this girl does not we're not we're only friends we're only friends she found all these texts and she went over there and guess who was there with the key to his house the fucking girlfriend so there's there's the confirmation like you know and that was it then And she's like, fine, I fucking know now. So I guess everybody needs to figure out the way they need to figure out. But we're telling you, he's probably cheating. Yes.

Anyway, do we have the next call? Our next question comes from Anna, and she is joining us on the phone here. Anna says, dear Chelsea, it's been a year since my ex and I broke up. We dated for about a year, and it ended on pretty horrible terms. A few months ago, I found out through a friend of mine that he's on dating apps looking for relationships with men. On the one hand, this took a huge weight off my shoulders because up until then, I didn't understand why the relationship ended.

On the other hand, I've recently started trying to be in dating again, but no matter what I do, every time I go out with a man, I'm inundated with thoughts that he is gay. I genuinely had never thought of it before, but now it's become my greatest fear. How do I get out of this headspace? Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna.

Hi. Hi. I don't think you have to worry about every man being gay. I mean, you already did that. That doesn't happen multiple times. you're not just only attracting gay men that's just like one example of what happened in your life you know stick to your original instinctual reaction which was what a relief like it probably had very little to do with you and very more to do with him struggling with his sexuality

and most men that are on dating apps especially apps because that there's the I mean what's the point of looking for someone you're not attracted to the whole point is to hook up and meet somebody and possibly date somebody. So if you're on an app and they're seeking women, that's where the honesty comes in. That's the most honest part about being on an app is like, I'm looking to get laid with you. Right?

I'm looking to date you. I mean, they can lie about other things, but the actual sexuality is pretty like, it's an open playing field. So if they're there to meet women, then I think you can like, you know, pretty much rest assured that that's the truth. Mm-hmm.

And he also might not be like gay. Right. he might just be fluid he might just be bi and didn't want to talk to you about that part and he might be like now i want some dick this week you know like now i'm in my months of getting dick so you shouldn't take it like oh is it me he's just out here chilling i mean at the end of day it's like he's just dating other people right so i think my my fear is that i live in the south and that adds like a whole other element to it i think and he's military too right it said so like there's a lot of oh you gotta give us all the details yeah and it actually has like a kind

of incredible dramatic story of the breakup but what tell us give us the abridged version you got to give them the juice yeah okay so when i told katherine this story i was the first time i'd ever told her like in totality and so i'm gonna try to make it a little more brief than what i told her but essentially what happened we like we dated for a long time everything was great and then one night we ended up going to sleep together in my apartment he lives about an hour from me so every weekend he'd like come down and stay in my apartment whatever that was nothing different and And we went to bed together and I woke up at like four o'clock in the morning to him coming into my apartment. And I was like, that's weird. Cause I fell asleep with you. What are you doing? And so

I see him walk in and he is like blacked out, like figgety figgety fucked up. Like to the point that I'm like, what happened in the last four hours that you got to this point? So he comes in my room and I'm like, not about to argue with a drunk person. So I'm like, I'm going to go to sleep. What, what is that? Okay. Whatever. So I wake up, you know, like four hours later and I'm like where did you go and he was like I told you that I left no you didn't no you didn't and he's like no I told you I told you I went to go meet some of my friends I'm sorry like maybe you just forgot and I was like okay well like on the off chance that that happens whatever we go on with our day and then later that night I am in the bathroom getting ready to go to a friend's birthday

dinner and he's coming with me and I see his phone light up on my bathroom counter and it's a bumble notification so i look at it and i look at myself in the mirror and i need everybody listening to this podcast to just like send a future prayer to my children that i'm ever blessed with them because unless they take on like the criminal prowess of whoever the hell killed the black dahlia ain't no way they're gonna get away with anything with me because i took the phone and i start packing up his stuff and just walk in the living room and i'm like gotta get out of here what am i looking at on the screen and he's like oh i don't know i don't know and starts like messing around with it and deleting some like deleting stuff, hands it back to me. He's like,

I don't know what you're talking about. And I said, okay, let's redownload the app then. So I redownload Bumble and I give it back to him and see like all his matches, all his everything. And he hands it back and he's like, no, like, I don't know. And I was like, all right, well, let me get your phone now. So I took back his phone and I went to the Uber app and I see that he Ubered from my apartment last night at like 1am to a bar that he said that he went to, but he Ubered home from somewhere else. So I said, let's look up the address. So I look up the address and it's a hotel so i give it back to him and say now what's this how did you get back like how did you get from here to here he's like oh i walked i walked there i i was having a bad

night and so i just ended up walking and then i ubered back and i said okay let's open up your app then which is like fitbit kind of what tracks your steps and i said oh god damn i said you didn't take any steps king you yaya good king she yaya yaya good yeah fucking seriously yaya's on to lose yeah i was like you didn't take enough steps there ain't no way you could have walked from this bar to this and why were you at a hotel like what about that he said that's just like where he ended up and so i was like yeah i i know that lie like i just was walking and i was angry and this was the best place to get a car because it was a location so then i took and then i used his face and i opened up his bank app and said now you spent six hundred dollars on a room at this hotel

though yeah yeah i would do yes yeah yeah you're like magnum p.i Well, I'm a horrible liar myself, because this is what I go through in my own head. I'm like, how could someone possibly debunk this? And then I'm just like, oh, a raccoon actually came over to my house. And my lies are horrible, because I just like... And so that's how you broke up? Well, no, unfortunately, I don't have, I didn't have that much self-respect at that point. And was like, I'm, you know what, I can forgive you of this. And then throughout the week, he kept calling me saying that he was having a lot of mental health problems and that he was suicidal then one day he was like hey i'm having a really hard time i think i have access to you

know guns and stuff because it's in the military and he's like i'm having a lot of really really negative thoughts so he's like i just need like a little bit of space for a second i was like all right that's okay that was at like 5 p.m on a friday and i wake up the next morning i've not heard anything from him so i start calling him and i realized he'd like removed his location and he wasn't answering his phone i called him like a lot of times i start texting his friends asking if they'd heard from him and they said no like reaching out to his brother his everybody so I ended up getting in the car and driving up to his apartment I had a key and I go in and all my stuff is gone out of the apartment we had pictures and notes all hung up that was all swept

clean from the apartment and I didn't hear from him for two days I really thought that he was dead I was horrible I was a mess I it was just a really bad time for me and then he kind of just she ended up showing up in my apartment and was like sorry I can't be in a relationship anymore and he told his whole family i forgot one of his friends to call me back and he was like yeah i saw i heard y'all broke up last night so sorry about that so he called his entire family and friends and said that i that we broke up so that if i had reached out then it would look i was like i was like a crazy ex-girlfriend being like where is he what are you doing so it was wild haven't really heard a journey well good riddance good good riddance i mean first of all i i'm glad you shared all of

your sleuthing because that's very important for our listeners to hear about because and i i am more disappointed that you stayed with him after you found out that he went to a fucking hotel room and rented a hotel room i know and then came back to you at four in the morning so you know let's not try let's try not to repeat that but honey listen you don't have to worry about most men are not trying to have sex with women when they're gay this guy sounds like he had a lot of issues going on who knows what they are who knows if it's his sexuality at all maybe he's into both people and maybe he's into guys i mean he sounds gay i think he was secretly gay and he was struggling with it and he was getting blasted and going like hooking up with dudes and having

drunk blasted gay sex yeah it's interesting because his little brother is bi and he's like super supportive of that and like is he's the oldest he's oldest and he has like has a lot of gay friends well he's also in the military it's like that's not it's very easy to be in the military and be out as gay like that's not like that's not like rooted for you know you can also be like cool with other people being something but then you can you know yeah sometimes people fetishize things and they're like i'm not really gay i just like getting my dick sucked by dudes and then they like like go like compartmentalize yeah and it sounds like it kind of crashed on him and he was like no maybe i actually i'm just holy this and he didn't know how to like make that make

sense almost all my friends also have the same fear though as i do because of what you went through no i know this was like a pre this is like before this even happened that we're all like secretly dating guys that are gay maybe you need to get out of the south no it's well i live I'm going to expose myself further. I live in Nashville. And so it's very like everyone here is like newly gay, but they all, they all have this like look where they wear like their grandmother's pearls and weigh like a collective 80 pounds. So like, I think it's not what I grew up because I'm, I'm from the Midwest originally. And so like, it's not like picturing like a man to be, I guess, which is like so patriarchal and I fully understand that, but now it's just like

an irrational fear that I have. Yeah. But I think like, you know, it is irrational and that's all you need to know about it. Like you can't just like let that run you. You have to go out. First of all, I would have sex with people. I like to have sex with people right away to get things going, to understand if you even know what that vibe is going to be, because I've gone out with guys who aren't able to like have sex with me even, you know, or get it up or whatever. And I'm like, well, this isn't going to work. It doesn't matter if you're gay or not. Like that's not going to work for me, you know? But like, yeah, there are a lot of people that are fluid it and there are a lot of people that are bi and there are a lot of people who are shamed of being

gay that don't want to be out and about about it but it's the exception I would say it's not the norm like those dating apps you know Taryn Feldman by any chance she's a Nashville local she's a makeup artist follow her on Instagram because she talks about online dating all the time she's like it's dick delivery she's like this is what I use it for she's like I want dick and then if I like them then I start dating them and I'm like okay well that's one you know that's an avenue for her that's not for everybody because if you're trying to find somebody you know you may have a different approach. I don't have any shame about people having sex on the first date. I think that's actually very natural as adults. What, you know, like that's how you find out if you have chemistry,

but I really need you to like reset your expectation. It would be very rare for this to happen to you twice. Okay. I think so. Think about that. You know what I mean? There's not a lot of people who are like, Oh, I dated two gay men. Usually it's one and done. Okay. That makes you feel better but but it's also not a rational thought you know what I mean it's it's an experiential thought like it's happened to you and you're saying your girlfriends it's definitely irrational for them as well because if it hasn't happened to you there's no reason to be really that worried about it that's like me getting worried about being bitten by a snake when it's never happened just because I don't like snakes and I don't want them to bite me I don't worry

about that because it's ridiculous sorry if that's not the right parallel but it's just like the fact that it's happened to you is more on your side than it was than it is for your girlfriend okay your conversations with them should be like hey listen i'm in the clear yeah i got mine out the way my whole thing is like now that i've like lived through this i'm like i could survive damn near anything because i like i have come out on the other side of sure like i'm all glued back together now and i'm it's fine so even if it does happen again with if it's like lightning strike twice kind of thing i'll be fine like god you you will be fine you will be fine but just start thinking about all of the things that you actually want in a man and actually visualizing that

manifesting it all of that stuff that's come on sierra's prayer yeah yeah sierra's prayer get one of your what is that called uh what is oprah's like not her wish list what is oh no it's not oh a vision board yeah just start cutting out pictures yeah yeah vision board oprah's favorite just go to oprah.com and figure out your problem okay but seriously just start embodying and like Think about what you are looking for. Write it down. Pull out pictures from magazines. Whatever is going to help you to shift your energy towards the positive things that you're going to find in a man.

You take a picture of Billy Porter and then you put a circle in a line. Not what I'm looking for. Not it. Okay, that was helpful. All right. All right. Yeah, get back on track. And I'm glad you're past that.

And you know what? Listen, everybody who's ever gone through anything difficult and is out on the other side, is on the other side of it, understands that we can survive almost anything as you know any sort of emotional trauma people survive so you've gotten through that you'll get through other things and the important thing to remember is like you're in the position of a situation you've accepted the outcome and now your life has moved on like if everyone could hear that when they're going through the thick of it it would be a much different grief process it would be much shorter and you know a lot of you would feel a lot less like shit all the time yeah and even though your situation was different

because he was cheating i do think this message is to like all like straight cis people stop making it such a big deal it's not that big of a deal yeah it's not different than if he just was dating other people people grow and are consistently changing who they were when you met them to who they are later it doesn't really fucking matter you know there's a lot of dudes i had sex with with like a modern reason you're eating pussies and it's like nah man i'm just living a different life? No. Right. That makes sense. It'd be fun to tell a guy that you're exactly the reason I'm eating pussy. I went from you to eating pussy. That's what I have to say about that relationship. You can go around and tell people that now.

Thank you, Anna, for calling in. Appreciate y'all. Good lighting in there too. Thanks, just my apartment. Thanks, Anna. Bye. It was like soft porn lighting. I just felt my edible kick in just in time for our last call yeah excellent well let's take a quick break and we'll be right back okay we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back the Jonas Brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brother hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca.

Jonas Brothers, the burnin' up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming.

They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for thought daughters pop culture obsessives and anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse i'm eli rallo and every week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and the conversations everyone can't

stop having i'm gonna have to look up this story i'm obsessed i'm obsessed from best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's Like, if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. And we're already back. Oh, my God. We're already back.

So Lena wrote in, and she says, Dear Chelsea, my partner doesn't drink often. However, about once or twice a year, he drinks a lot. He's British, on an empty stomach, and that's when it all goes downhill. He turns into a different person, and it often ends with him getting naked, and one of these times, he left the house. If I hadn't been home to open the door, he'd just be locked outside the building naked. Another time, he got naked and walked into the flat next door, and as the door was open, he got into their bed and slept. Fortunately, he didn't wet their bed, which is another thing that often happens on these occasions. Last time, he was so out of it, he didn't know how to get home and didn't even know where home was.

It took him four hours to finally get home after one too many calls from a then-pregnant me. I have no idea how he feels about these episodes. Brits are not exactly known for their communication skills. He behaves like it's no big deal, but I suspect he knows it is. I really, really want him to go to therapy to learn how to deal with his shit, Not just drinking, but any other curveballs life throws. But I know if I suggest it, he'll dismiss it and possibly be upset with me. What can I do?

I'm tired of dealing with his shit, even if it's sporadic. Thank you, Lena. Damn. Has she considered that she might be dating a werewolf? I don't know why the British love to get naked when they're drunk. Is that a thing the British do? I was at a wedding once in England in the countryside, and it was a fancy wedding. we were at like some manor and the fiance the groom came out we were all in this backyard of

this manor having drinks and it was a very british affair and this guy the groom came running streaking through the backyard butt naked and it was like a very fancy event and ran right into a brick wall because the whole backyard was encased by brick walls ran streaking naked ran right into the brick wall slammed his head and face into the brick wall ricocheted off of it fell down and then peed on the ground oh geez and i and then the next day was the wedding and he was there and everyone acted like nothing had happened and i was like wait a second what is happening i go if this were america he would be a betty ford what if this is the same dude it sounds like but everyone was just like everyone in england is there's a much different

attitude towards alcohol there first but this is a dangerous problem that you have with your husband and the fact that you're scared to upset him is really like very telling because you can't be scared you have a child with him now right yeah yeah you can't be scared to upset him who gives a shit he has a fucking like allergy to alcohol he's like allergic to alcohol if if when he drinks he ends up in someone's bed like what the fuck did the neighbors have to say about that you could get arrested for that especially being naked in their bed also he's covering like a lot of ground naked he's getting really far naked she's like he goes and like opening the door for him like why would you let him sleep outside in the fucking cold so he can learn his lesson and

wake up sober and i understand british people are less skillful in areas of therapy and communication in terms of emotions but this is something that he does need to go to therapy he needs to find out why he's acting like that why he even needs to do that twice a year because it's clearly he can't be having a good time when he doesn't remember anything yeah and it's also about you setting a boundary and you confronting him like that's a part of it is that you can't be complacent you gotta go to him and say clearly like you're doing this and this is a problem like and we have a child and this can't continue yeah i mean you have like five examples already and so i'm sure there are many more that you can cite and it's not acceptable it's not acceptable behavior you're not

going to tolerate it anymore and what does he want to do about that yeah because it's not like he's doing it all the time so he doesn't need to do it at all right but that's probably why he thinks it's okay too right because he's like i'm not doing this a bunch just twice a year you got to deal with me getting a little wacky what's the big deal but it's like no it's a big deal bro yeah Yeah. But I think, Chelsea, what you said is really important, too. Like, what do you want to do about that? Because it's not like, are we going to or are we not? It's like putting the ball back in his court. Like, what are we doing? What do you want to do? What are the steps you want to take? Because steps need to be taken, whatever they are. And let him know that you called into a podcast. Be like, I've actually reached out about this because I'm so worried. Absolutely. Nip it in the bud. I think that's all we can do there. So moving right along to our last question. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 27-year-old gay guy living in New York City. To start, my problem feels

like somewhat of a champagne problem. In short, I'm a people pleaser with too much on my social calendar. Since I've moved to New York, I've gone from knowing nobody to making a ton of different friends in so many different circles. Gays, straight, men, women, my groups run the gamut. Now, however, I feel as though each group and each friend wants a piece of me, and when I can't give it or decide to take time for myself, someone gets hurt and or upset with me. I feel like I'm always digging myself out of a hole with someone or kissing ass after skipping their dinner party, etc. for something else. I also feel like this is cutting into my dating life and the occasional nights I'd actually like to stay at home alone. I love my busy life and I'm

an extroverted people enthusiast, but I do feel like I need them to understand that I have to fill my cup before I can fill theirs. Any advice, John? Well, yeah, just fucking do it, John. You know, what do you need to do? You don't have to explain yourself to all of these people. You just say oh I'm not available that night you don't have to tell them why or that you want to be alone or that you're sleeping or you can you know just you don't have to explain yourself to all these people you're just not available when they want you there so it's not a big deal you're you're actually making it a big deal yeah and I think too if you do want to have like something concrete to do you could be like you know what Sundays is my like alone time it's my like hermit time and also like

turn your phone off stop looking at your phone because if you're not seeing these text messages come in being like hey come to our party whatever you're not gonna feel FOMO and you're blaming everybody for wanting pieces of you instead of yourself like you're the problem you're overextending yourself you're allowing yourself to be like you know that's I I people want pieces of me too but I don't I don't give it to them no I'm like I know I need to sleep for two days I came home yesterday I'm like I have to sleep for 24 hours do not fucking talk to me don't call me nobody and I throw my phone in the garbage and it also sounds like I'm reading this but it feels like you're not being straight up either it feels like because you're a people pleaser you know probably

two days before you're not going to this thing or you don't want to go but you're just not being straight up and being like yeah probably not gonna make that one or so it's a little bit about you being honest too yeah because people pleasing is a lie yes that's a lie because you're not you're only just growing resentment towards the people that you're pleasing that you don't feel like it so you're really not you're pleasing other people while taking away your own kind of sanctuary of space and it only gets worse as you get older so you have to really honor the time that you want to spend by yourself and filling your cup up is way more important and you're going to have way more bandwidth for when you're around other people when you have enough energy on your own

and also like it's okay to disappoint people sometimes it's okay for them to be mad and also it's okay to just be honest and say hey i'm just not in the mood i'm not really spent i'm really tired I've been socializing I promised myself I'm going to take some time and I am and that's what I need to do tonight it's also okay to just not show up like everybody's grown exactly I mean well some people are but some people are still growing I mean they look like they're grown but they're not anyway well I hope that helps John get your shit together is our final statement for that yeah so problem solved Sam it's been a pleasure as usual it was fun all right love you Sam J everybody make sure you watch your special on max yeah okay so show dates coming up Canadian

show dates these are for Canadians guys I'm coming January 19th Edmonton January 20th Saskatoon February 9th I'll be in Winnipeg February 23rd Calgary that is almost sold out so get your tickets. Victoria, B.C. is March 8th. March 9th is Kelowna, also almost sold out. Not sure if I'm adding second shows yet because of my schedule. Vancouver is March 29th, and that is almost sold out. Then I will be in Salt Lake City, April 4th, and Denver, April 5th. I'm coming to Arizona at Maricopa, April 12th. April 13th, I'll be in Brooks, California at the Cache Creek Casino. and then I'm going to be in Santa Rosa Sunday April 14th

I'm coming to Richmond, Virginia Baltimore, Maryland on April 20th Gary, Indiana Prior Lake, Minnesota coming to Oklahoma, Norman, Oklahoma on May 3rd and May 4th I will be in Thackerville, Oklahoma for my rescheduled WinStarWorld

casino date and I want to make sure that I give a shout out to our show for Netflix is a Joke Festival I put together a show with some of my favorite Comics. It's May 11th at the YouTube Theater downtown, which I've never performed in, so that's going to be fun. It's pretty big. I have Matteo Lane. I have Fortune Feimster performing. I have Sam Jay is on the show and Vanessa Gonzalez. So we, it is called a Jew, two Mexicans, no, a Jew, two gays, and a Mexican. No, a Jew, three gays, and a Mexican. So it's political correctness at

its finest. And then I will be in Verona, New York on May 26th. And then I'm coming to Australia you in July. And New Zealand, July 5th, Auckland. And I'm coming to Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney. And then Thursday, August 1st, which is a long way away and a date I am just seeing that I am not ready to announce. Okay. So those are all my dates that are up and available. So get your tickets. I can't wait to see you. Yeah, that's it. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com.

I survived nine months in captivity and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality,

welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the Internet and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody

hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human