Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

Jay Shetty is here to chat with Chelsea about leading with love, managing difficult relationships, and why we’re all just kids at heart.  Then: A son tries to break up his mom and dad.  A mom who wants to be an empty-nester isn’t sure how to get her twenty-something kids out of the nest.  And a caller with an invisible illness wants to get laid.   * Get tickets to Jay’s tour at Jayshetty.me/tour * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I don't see why not. Jay Shetty's back. Oh, okay. Oh! Jay Shetty is here. He's on his first live tour with the podcast, the On Purpose Tour, and he'll be telling us all about it. Hi, Jay Shetty. Hello, hello. Hello, how are you?

Top of the morning to you. Where are you? I am at home in L.A. Oh, you're always at home in L.A. Well, you're not always at home in L.A., but whenever I see you on podcasts, which is primarily where I see you, you're at home in L.A. Yes, yes, exactly. How are you? Where are you? I'm in Whistler, Canada, enjoying the very last days of ski season, which are gone. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Oh, my gosh. That's incredible. It's my happy place. I wrote about it in my book that investing my time in learning how to ski

and buying a place up in Whistler was the best medicine I could have ever given myself to achieve the next level of joyfulness in my life. I love that. Good for you. So, Jay, we have a lot to talk about. You're launching a tour, your first in-person tour on purpose. Yeah, first time I'm ever doing a podcast tour. So you're going to do live tapings of the podcast? Exactly, yeah.

And will the audience be able to participate? Yeah, I want the audience to ask questions. It's going to be highly interactive. I'm going to go out into the audience. We're going to bring them up on stage. There's a lot of exciting experiential stuff planned, so I can't wait. Oh, that's very exciting.

I'm glad for you. Congrats on all of your success. You're everywhere. I know you've been working with lots of celebs, from Jada Pinkett Smith to Michelle Obama to all of these inspiring people, I want to ask you, how has your experience, now that you live in Hollywood, so to speak,

you're a big presence in the healing, meditation, self-help space, and just kind of working on yourself. How has being exposed to all of these celebrities, how has that impacted your life? And how do you think our industry works with like benefiting from the work that you do? That's such an interesting question. I mean, I think the first thing it's made me realize is just how human everyone is and how no matter what our career paths are, trajectories are, or how successful or famous someone is

that we're all dealing with the same challenges. You know, everyone is living in the same world, is stressed and anxious about their family, about what's happening outside of what they can't control and so there's a real humanity that comes with it which I which I really really love I think that what I found is there are far more people who also want to use their platform for a higher purpose and may just not know how and a lot of people kind of found themselves into these very influential pivotal positions and a lot of people say I want to do something purposeful I want to do something meaningful I just don't know how to do that I don't know what that looks like because this is what my life has looked like for the past

few decades and so I find that there is a quite an earnest genuine desire to want to do good things and want to make a change but not necessarily know what the vehicle for that is and that's a really interesting conversation and and I think the other side of it is I mean how it's impacted my life is it's also challenged me to be really clear about what am I pursuing and what am I building and so it's almost been a challenge for me in a healthy sense of being really clear about my purpose I'm reminded of how valuable it is I'll tell you a story I remember talking to my monk teacher who's been a monk for the last four decades he's 75 years old and when I first moved to LA he said you've got to be really cautious because you're moving to the capital of illusion

those were his words and and I was really excited to move to LA me and me and my wife loved LA and we were really looking forward to it and we just loved the sunshine and the nature and I said to him I'm working with a couple of people I mentioned to him and he had no idea who they were because he hasn't watched tv or movies in like you know decades and and he said to me he said you're so lucky that you get to coach them on all your future challenges. And, and I love that statement because it was this really beautiful way of reminding me that my life would not be free of those challenges and issues and, you know, dichotomies. And I think that that connection has always kept me focused on making sure that I keep doing the work while I'm trying to help

people do the work. And so it's been a beautiful, constant reminder as well. I don't know if that makes sense. No, it totally makes sense. Cause I always find it more grounding to help other people that are like, when you're involved with someone who's a situation is dissimilar than your own, it's always like a nice salve on your soul to be able to step out of yourself in order in service of another person. Like whenever I'm feeling down, I'm like, okay, go pay attention to someone else's life, help somebody else. Like that's going through something because that is a spirit lifter as well absolutely and you you expand your radius of compassion with anyone you work with because i think a lot of us have this it's like we all feel like our problems are

the worst which they are when you're feeling them but guess what everyone else is feeling that way about their problems and when you start to learn about how intricate the human mind is and how emotions work and how they're created you start to recognize how everyone looks at their set of problems as really difficult and really challenging even if for you it'd be a walk in the park and so it's really fascinating expanding your radius of compassion because you start to be able to take on more understand people more and i think that's what i'm excited about is i get to travel across the world and work with people from all different backgrounds and all different walks of life it's not just hollywood and to me when i get to see people in different spaces and places it kind

of just allows me to recognize how much I don't understand about the human condition how much more there still is to learn how judgmental I can be how critical I can be how how small-minded I can be and I love challenging all of that because I think it's really easy to think oh I have all the answers and I have the solutions and then actually when you start working with more people you realize you don't and the most human thing you know to do is to sit with someone and hold their hands and look into their eyes and just be present with them. And then you start realizing that that is the realist thing that people need and the truest wisdom. So it's like this counterintuitive idea of that. I mean, we've heard this for ages, but it's true. The more you know, the more you

realize you don't know and how much more there is to learn. And also to meet everything with love, when you can come from a place of love, even when you're dealing with anger or frustration or any of the things that don't make you feel good to just return it with love is a beautiful lesson. That's not always easy to practice with every single person, but it's a great thing to remember not to meet anger with anger, not to meet resistance with more resistance. It's like, it's like treating, I always think about how you're supposed to treat children, you know, when they're having a temper tantrum, you don't scream and yell at them. That doesn't get results. You have to sit there and like, be patient and love them up. You know, I don't, this whole punishment and argument

arguing like that doesn't lead anywhere it's just like this air it's like hot air that goes nowhere yeah you've reminded me of this beautiful beautiful thought from russell barkley russell barkley once said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways and so when i see someone's behavior the first thing i try and think of is how is that a plea for love how is that a pledge for love whatever behavior you see from someone whether it's anger whether it's frustration whether it's judgment whether it's criticism whether it's fear it's them asking for love in some way and I think we see it in children the most where when a child's throwing a tantrum or on the floor like crying and bashing their feet and hands

they're simply asking for presence love and connection that's what they're looking for And I think we're all just big children who are still asking for love, still seeking that approval, still wanting that connection and that embrace. And the sad thing is we don't get it. And because we don't get it, we retaliate even further. So I love what you said. And that's what I try and always imagine is when I sit with someone and I look at them, I try to look at them as the child that was neglected, mistreated, lost, confused, stuck. because that allows me to have the compassion for them that I might not have now that you assume they're an adult. As soon as you assume someone's an adult, you assume they should have certain behaviors, manners, traits. As soon as you recognize,

well, they're just a kid in an adult's body, you start thinking differently about problems and challenges. So that always helps me for sure. And then how do you frame like accountability with people who are doing the work, who are adults, but obviously we can take that framework and that attitude that everyone's a little kid. but then say you have a long friendship with somebody and their intention is to spiritually

grow. They're having conversations and they're, but they don't seem to be making any movement or making better decisions for themselves. They keep getting themselves in the same situation. It's just like a psych, you know, a cyclical behavior. And like, I have somebody in my life that I struggle with because I'm like, I can't help you anymore. Like, I don't know what to do. And I, I honestly don't have the bandwidth and it's not that I don't love you. I do, but I don't know how to help you move towards what you think you want. You know what I mean? And so how do you handle those people who just kind of keep hitting a wall at an age where, like, I went to therapy, I learned my, I got my shit together, and I made huge improvements. So I don't want to be a

spiritual narcissist and say I'm better than anyone. But I did the work, I learned, I absorbed it, and then my output is different. So when someone can't get that ball rolling, how would you handle that? The first thing I do, and I think you've already done this, but I think it's important to point it out. The first thing I do is I think about how many steps forward I took and how many steps back I took and how often I did that on my own spiritual journey. So I think about the time when I was that person who had all these grand ambitions and grand aspirations, but still fell short. And I know in my spiritual journey, it was plenty cyclical and plenty two steps forward three steps back and that allows me to have a expansion of my compassion again and

empathy to be like actually when I was on that transition and that journey that's exactly what it looked like for me I just forgot it because I'm somewhat on the other side now and I've got better at those habits so that definitely is what avoids being a spiritual narcissist because you know I think that's such an important part the second part is this I really look at it if I don't have a professional relationship with someone, I try not to force accountability on them. I look at my relationship as being one of patience, of being one of encouragement, of being one of support. And what I've found is that those people who aren't accountable, who are cyclical, there's this amazing meme I saw the other day and I loved it. And on the top, it had five water cups and

they were all perfectly filled at the same level so they were all half full and it said this is not consistency and on the second tier it had one water cup that was full one that was little one that was half one that was three quarters one that was a quarter and it said this is what consistency looks like and I thought to myself that's so true we think consistency is I worked out five days a week every day every week of the year 52 weeks of year and the truth is for all of us who work out or try and stay healthy, it's like this week I've worked out five days a week, next week I might do three, the next week I might do seven, the next week I might do four. And so I think recognizing that consistency on a machine looks perfect, but consistency and accountability on a human

looks sporadic. And then the third thing when it comes to you feeling exhausted, and by the way, I relate to you. I have friends who I've given the same piece of advice to for seven years. And after seven years I have stopped giving that advice because I realized that it is wasted Because that advice is not changing their life and they don't have the capacity the emotional availability Or the intention to change or the attraction to change And again, I focused on what I can control I realized that often I was giving that advice because it sounded right, but they didn't really ask for it They didn't really want it. They never told me they were accountable

and so I've started I've stopped giving unsolicited advice unless someone tells me Jay I am accountable to you for 30 days tell me what to do and I will do it unless someone says that to me and commits that way I just keep it as a casual friendship I'm happy for them to have the same problems of course I may not talk to them as often and I'm okay with the fact that my life's going to move on because I don't want to take on keeping you accountable when you haven't committed to that and I think that's on us to make sure that we create that clarification because like okay because so that leads me to the next question which is people who are not doing the work which I think you kind of answered just now like how do you deal and especially I think right now you know with the

political landscape the way it is and people are so frustrated and angry and scared and people are dealing with you know people in their family who've voted differently politically and having to kind of maintain relationships in the name of being a bigger person, like not just cutting off relationships because someone voted for the person that you didn't want to win. But how do you advise people to handle this in the times we're living in? Because it is really obviously divisive and really scary for all of us. Yeah, no, you're so right. And the amount of phone calls I get about that topic is is high I genuinely believe there's two ways this goes right you either have someone in your life who's willing to have an open and honest conversation and this is probably rare

and someone who's actually willing to hold space for your perspective I think that's actually become quite rare and the problem is that's what we actually need on the other hand every time the topic comes up someone's fuse flips someone starts being uh derogatory someone starts being combative someone starts being judgmental someone starts being a debater and no one wants to have a professional and unprofessional debate at the dining table and so i think the challenge is that's what we're dealing with we have lost the ability to have healthy conversations where we have disagreements there's a beautiful statement that i love from f scott fitzgerald where he said that the sign of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two ideas, two opposing ideas at

the same time and still retain the ability to function. So the fact that you could actually hold two ideas that are completely opposite, that's actually what he calls a first-rate intelligence. I think we've lost that completely. And the second part he says to that statement, which I love, is he says, one should therefore be able to see that everything is hopeless, but be determined to make it otherwise. In other words, you're also able to hold the idea that the world isn't a mess, it's chaotic, it's crazy, this is insane, and we can still do something about it. And so I think now we've got very good at picking a side, even in hope. So you're either hopeless, the world's a mess, it's all over, or you're full of hope and optimistic, but we don't

need either of them we need to lean into the dark as much as the light in order to actually deal with the darkness and so what I would suggest is if you don't have someone in your life who's willing to open up and have that conversation sadly that is a disconnect it is someone you have to distance from and it's not worth engaging because it's just going to create more turmoil more stress more ignorance and more pain in both of your lives and that's just the real that's just the truth. I wish it wasn't that, but it is that. On the other hand, I would encourage the individual to find those people they can have those conversations with, because that's just healthy for us as humans. Because guess what? When you wake up, you may be in a really positive mood,

but it starts raining outside. That's what life is, accepting that you can be in a positive mood and it can be raining outside at the same time. That's what we're trying to get to. We're not trying to get into a positive mood all the time. And we're not trying to be negative all the time. we're trying to accept that i can see both these things coexist and i'm going to coexist in reality with them and so i i think sadly the reality is that a lot of people can't talk to the people in their life because that person will turn it into an argument and a debate not a healthy disagreement but i would challenge each person listening to say can you be that person to have healthy conversations to see other sides to see other opinions without making it a debate because

that's the kind of world we need to live in and also if it's not and if it's not a relationship that's going to work for you how do you feel about putting a pause on a relationship or cutting someone off if it's not affecting you in a positive way or if it's just proven to be too exhaustive yeah if something's always stressing you out and draining you and triggering you you don't belong there that's what i'd like to remind people you don't belong in places that constantly drain and trigger you now you start there over time as you strengthen and as you grow you actually are open to the challenge so the same environment that used to drain and trigger you when you grow and strengthen spiritually now you're welcoming the challenge

you're welcoming the discomfort because you recognize you can hold space for it and finally you can actually find a way to even thrive in environments that originally used to drain you that's what spiritual growth is spiritual growth is not running away from painful places spiritual growth is strengthening yourself so much that something that used to drain you now challenges you and now actually helps you thrive in the gita which is the uh ancient text of india around 5 000 years old the language that's used when translated from sanskrit is relishing the battle this idea that you relish the battle because you recognize the battle makes you more alert the battle makes you more conscious the battle makes you more present it's the old adage from

buddhism that says better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war and that idea that it's always good to train like a warrior to be able to be able to battle when you need to but live in a peaceful garden than it is to be a gardener in a war who doesn't know how to deal with that stress and pressure. And so I love to remind people that spiritual growth is strengthening yourself to the point that what used to drain you now actually helps you thrive.

I love it, love it. Okay, we're gonna take a break and we're gonna be right back with Jay Shetty. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at dearchelseepodcast at gmail.com. We'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on. But this week we're specifically looking for questions

about family issues. If you have an issue with a family member or you need advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation.

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle, I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be

a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back with Jay Shetty. This is Off Topic, Jay, but you look yoked. Very nice. Have you been working out? I have been working out. That's the best. I appreciate that. That's very sweet. I love that. Okay, great. We're going to take some callers. Catherine, what do we got? We have some tricky ones today. So Jay, I know you'll bring your A game. So

our first caller is Michelle. She's calling in from the Midwest. She says, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I have two adult children living at home, 25 and 23, a daughter and a son, respectively. Both my kids, who are really adults, are paying very minimal rent. Our daughter is working full-time, planning her future, and saving money while paying off her school loan. She has a significant other and plans on moving eventually when the right opportunity presents itself, hopefully soon. Meanwhile, our son, who is on the autism spectrum, is working a part-time job about 20 hours a week maximum and has absolutely no plan to try and better himself or get any kind of schooling, training, even though it has all been offered to him countless

times. We've tried our best to encourage him his whole life and have given him all the tools he needs to launch himself into adulthood, but he simply refuses. We've set boundaries for behaviors and expectations in regards to his computer gaming and taught him how to look after himself and the pets in the house when we sometimes travel. But we worry that with everything we've given him, why would he ever want to leave? Is it cruel to want him out of the house? There seem to be lots of state programs for people who fall on different places on the spectrum than him, but he doesn't want to explore anything past his current situation. He's just stuck and we don't know what to do to move him forward. Any suggestions, Michelle? Oh, hi, Michelle. Hi, Chelsea. Hi,

this is our special guest. Jay Shetty's here today. Hi, Jay. Hey, Michelle. Thank you so much for taking my question. Oh, absolutely. Where is he on the spectrum? Is it prohibitive of him? I mean, you said he could do many things, but he's able to work, right? He does work. He has a part time position. It's at a grocery store. He gets a little anxiety. You know, he gets heightened at times I would consider him high functioning on the spectrum. However, he does have some challenges and he's not building a skill set for himself because I think he's limiting himself. Right, right. And he does he have the right counseling? Does he have the right therapist? Like, does he have a support system in that aspect?

He does have a therapist currently, and he's working for the last six years, I think, since high school. He's been working with this wonderful person, but he has to want to take the tools from the toolkit and use them. So we're trying to... I mean, it sounds to me like he's got a pretty good gig. So why would he want to leave? Which is what you basically said in your letter. Jay, what are your opening thoughts on this? Well, Michelle, first of all, thanks for your question. And I'm sure it's been challenging on both sides, right? These things are not easy. And when I think about like the question of when's the right time for him to move out, I think the better question is, is he aware of what it's going to take? And it sounds like he is. And as you both just said, he seems very comfortable where he is. And so he has no need. and i think when i see people in that situation sadly what really helps someone move is recognizing

that what is comfortable for them right now isn't going to sustain and that actually allows people to build independence and as you said he has the right support it's not like you're you know he it seems like he's surrounded by a really great support system which is so important in this scenario i would encourage you to find ways to do it in smaller doses is there the ability to for you to travel where he's spending a day on his own with support of course a weekend on his own at home even at the house on him on his own right so he's not moving out yet how do you kind of get into that middle ground where he's starting to learn to take care of himself in small doses whether it's a weekend a week whatever that may be so he starts to recognize a he gets confidence

that he can do it and b he loses the comfort that he gets to fall back on with you and i think that is what we're really looking at it's a confidence and comfort place now of course we want him to be supported we want him to be surrounded making sure that he's not you know in in a position that would compromise him or cause any discomfort to an extreme sense but at the same time i think it's doing that you need to go and travel you need to go and live your life you need to go and you know it sounds like you want to go and experience things and have more freedom for yourself i think that has to happen first in order to help him recognize that this isn't a sustainable long-term position for him and for him to have to build the tools. And rather than going through the big leap and

the big jump of having his own place, having an apartment, whatever that may mean for him, it's starting to do that at home. And I think if he starts to see that and starts to recognize that you're living your life, he'll then get the conscious independence to go and do the same. Yes, I agree. We have done that. Actually, we just returned from a trip. We were gone for a solid week and the house didn't burn down. Of course, his sister's here as well. My daughter was here. So she's a couple of years older. So she's here to facilitate some things, you know, problem solving things if needed. But basically we've been able to travel. So I'm grateful for that. It's just the point of moving him to the next step to get him confident enough to, and

also have the income to support it as well, which is a challenge because he is working a part-time position. And I don't know that we're going to have to like lean into something that's a little bit more sustainable. Also, I think include him in the planning, you know, work together with him to come up with a plan being so that he is part of his own future. You know what I mean? There's one thing to give somebody else a plan and be like, okay, you have 60 days and we need you to figure it out, which is not what you're suggesting anyway, but to actually give him some agency in his own future so that he can also work with you. Like we're going to all sit together and figure out how we're going to move forward and what our timeframe is, what you want to do, you know,

how you're going to do this. You're going to have to move out at some point. So let's figure out what the plan is to get you in a space and a spot where you are taken care of and you're making enough money to support yourself and let him be a part of that process. And also when you go away the next time, you know, maybe make sure your daughter does give him more of the responsibility so that he can't depend on her and that she's not like insurance, you know, let him have like two days where he's doing everything. And he's not allowed to ask her for stuff. And she's not allowed to ask her for backup to start actually demonstrating independence and start acting and living it. And I think that will infuse in him some more kind of self confidence and self

self-assuredness you know I think that's you just kind of have to build somebody up before you let them fly away and that's what it sounds like you guys maybe need to do in addition to you know everything you've already done right yeah I would agree with Chelsea I think there's it sounds like naturally you've done this for so long and been amazing and been so supportive and been so loving and it's always hard when it's almost like you've done all of that and then you want it to change. And I think you're in that in-between stage. And when I look at it from his position, I think Chelsea's planning point is spot on. Like I think he needs to be invested in his future, recognize the value of it, be able to set timelines with you. I think when you set a

timeline for someone, it becomes a deadline that puts too much pressure on them. Whereas if they set the timeline with them, it becomes something they can aspire for and work towards. And for me, for him confidence is going to come from competence and competence is going to come from discomfort and so it's the removal of comfort that's going to build competence and exactly as Chelsea said that if you can find a way to really set those boundaries with him and his sister so that he's not overly supported beyond what he truly does need that couldn't be taken away and it's not a punishment it's not done in a negative way it's not like oh we're going to take this away you know I think it's done in a way to just say like we really believe in you we can we can

see that you have all these amazing skills and you've been working so hard and I think that tone is so important too I think when someone feels discouraged they get disengaged and they start to feel like it's not exciting for them whereas this could be a really exciting opportunity for him to really raise to that barrier and raise to that next level and so I really feel looking at it from encouragement excitement aspiration rather than like frustration stress and comfort if that makes sense. Definitely. Yeah. So we, we are working on encouraging him all the time. It's just, uh, you know, it's, it's going to be a process and we're working through it. And I think the first step would be to move the 25 year old out. So she wouldn't even be a crutch in the first

place. So we're working on that too. Yeah. And you can motivate her by telling her that you really are trying to get his independence going and that, you know, like, yeah, like, but you're doing the Lord's work. Thank you for taking care of your children. Yeah. And the way it's past the time that you're obligated to. So that's very nice also. And if you're finding that you're having like a difficult time having these conversations and like really seeing movement, you could loop in like a counselor, you know, somebody who's a third party or a fourth party in this case with you and your husband or your son, just to sort of like help you set those boundaries, feel out what's appropriate in this really specific situation. Yes. I actually saw a therapist

about a year ago. And her suggestion to me was to about wait it out and let him make the decisions. Which you might be waiting forever. Yeah. We'll never find that advice. Let's move on. These are your new marching orders. Yes. Yes. Thank you. All right. Thanks so much, Michelle. Nice to meet you, Michelle. All the best. Thank you, Chelsea. Thank you, Jay. All the best, Michelle. All the best. Bye-bye. I feel like more parents just need to start like when they're in that situation and the child is ready, just start raising the rent like 50 or a hundred bucks a month. And soon enough, they'll want to move out. You have children and you're like, this is going to be amazing. And then they're 25 and 26. You're like, why are they still here? I want to be an

empty nester. It's so hard. I see it. It's in South Asian culture. It's very prominent as well for people to stay at home until they get married. And I'm not for that at all. And I think it's so unhealthy. It's almost like, well, now you get married and you have to become an adult as soon as you get married. And it makes the marriage so much harder. It's really, really tough in so many different circumstances. Of course, this was very specific and challenging for Michelle. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll check in with her in a couple of months and see where she's at with that. I love that. I love that you do that. Well, our next call comes from Libby. She's 31. She says, Dear Chelsea, I was born with a rare

medical condition that has required over 50 surgeries over the course of my 31 years. It has to do with my urinary, digestive, and reproductive tracts and continues to present a host of issues. Half my organs are made up of other organs, and most recently, this one's fun, I had to have a vaginal reconstruction using buccal mucosa tissue for my lower lip. Like the goddamn movie Teeth. The surgeon who operated on me was the first physician to understand how to treat people with my condition. Had I been born just a handful of years earlier, who knows what the outcome would have been. This doctor was brilliant, but had an ego the size of King Kong. When I first googled my condition, I found an article in which he was interviewed. The title

of the article, The Doctor Repairs Damaged Babies. It goes on to describe people with my medical condition as experiencing anatomical anarchy, and the physician is quoted as saying, it's hard not to believe in a satanic power when looking at bodies ravaged by such a condition. Needless to say, I didn't take it well, especially as an Irish Catholic from Boston. I could go on about my medical trauma, but I'm looking for advice on how to date with such a complicated medical history. I have scars and different medical devices on my body. I have to do several medical procedures every day just to live a somewhat normal life. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends. That's right, 21st century bitch. But for the last three years, I felt stuck.

As I got closer to 30, people began talking about marriage and having kids. I shut down because the likelihood of me having a child is low, and even just the idea of letting another person close to the mayhem that is my jack-in-the-box body is exhausting. I'm not lonely. I have lots of friends, and I don't even know if I want to get married or have kids, but I'd sure like to at least be at risk of getting pregnant. In my what feels like hundreds of medical appointments each year, when they ask, any chance of pregnancy? Sometimes I lie just to make the medical assistant think I'm getting some, but I'm not and haven't for, well, that's not important. The thing is, I know this is a mental block more than anything. What should I do? How do I let

people in, in every sense of the word, Libby. Wow. Hi, Libby. Hi. Nice to meet you. This is our special guest, Jay Shetty's here today. Hello. Hey, Libby. Nice to meet you. Well, Libby, the first thing I would say to you is that you really need to flip the script in your head. The fact that you have survived all these things makes you a fucking badass. You're a badass. Your body has served you, even though it doesn't feel like that. And the story that you've been telling yourself is one. And I totally get it. You've been through hell, it sounds like. And that doctor, forget about him also. You know what I mean? Who cares about him? He helped you. And who cares what that article said? That's not your problem. Let him go do his thing and you move on to a happy,

healthier life. But you're like a survivor. You have survived all of this. That is a superpower. That is not a negative. That is a positive. That means you are resilient. That means you are tough. And that means you are able to probably handle anything that comes your way. And you need to write that down and read it to yourself every morning when you wake up. That you are a survivor, that you are strong, that you are resilient, and that you are a badass. Period. That's what you need to be telling yourself. And change this whole narrative around because you're sitting here, you're beautiful, you're healthy.

Yes, you have contraptions on your body. That doesn't make you any less of a person. in my opinion, that makes you more of a person. Yeah. It's definitely an interesting story. It's a good icebreaker when I meet people. Absolutely. Absolutely. A lot of stories to tell, I guess. Well, a lot of stories to tell, but think about how you're telling those stories too. Yeah. You know, you don't want to be a victim. You want to be like a survivor. You want to be somebody who has experienced the biggest lows or the, you know, the worst lows that a person can feel physically emotionally all of the things that you've experienced and you're still sitting here

and you're vibrant and you're youthful and you have your whole life ahead of you so you have your whole life to change this narrative and it's going to be much more bountiful for you if you change it right now jay what do you think yeah libby i i so agree with chelsea when we when we were reading your submission just now i was like libby's funny she's clever she's witty she's smart I mean and that was just your description of what you've experienced and now getting to meet you really what you've been through makes you stronger than pretty much anyone I know and I actually think that that's what relationships really need is strength is power is empathy is compassion you must have the amount you've been through you must have so much grit of compared to anyone I know

and that to me makes you incredible like an incredible incredible person to me and here's the reality about dating dating is tough for everyone and it's the worst and it's challenging and everything else right we know that we've heard that everyone talks about it but what's beautiful about love and what we often forget is we think that we say like things like oh i don't think i'm gonna find someone well the truth is love is rare real love is rare if it wasn't rare a would we want it and b if we could be with anyone then why would this person be special the fact that love is rare means you're gonna find someone who sees all of this and has the reaction that me and chelsea have where they go libby you are the strongest person i know

Like I am in awe of you and I admire you deeply. That's the reaction you want. And by the way It that's not going to be an easy process, but that person does exist That person does exist. There is someone out there who may have been through their own stuff Whether it be emotionally or physically there's someone out there who's been through their own challenges And there's someone out there who sees you for your truth Now when you decide to share the stories which stories you decide to share is totally up to you never feel pressured never feel stressed the pacing has to be at your own time it has to be when you feel comfortable but the reality is that these stories will keep the right person close

and that's what i say to anyone who has any challenge like yours is something that you've been through that's really difficult even someone who has a particular anxiety about something the truth is that just disconnects the wrong people it just you know it attracts the right people and it distracts the wrong people. And that's how I look at it, where it's like, you're just trying to attract the rare love that has the ability to understand, be in awe, be loving and compassionate and recognize what you've been through. And, you know, I was, I was inspired hearing your story. I'm amazed that you're sitting here smiling and laughing with us and telling jokes in your submission. And to me, that's spectacular. So honestly, you've inspired me

today. And I think you're going to inspire a lot of people. And I, I really, really, truly am rooting for you thank you yeah I definitely it's a vetting process for sure I have a lot of really really good friends who you know it's funny because I'm very open with them and I work in health care I tell my disability story all the time it's interesting too because it's an invisible disability like unless I'm naked basically you can't see anything different about me so there's always kind of this this shock factor when I reveal it because it's not obvious so I'm very very open about it in my professional life because it's you know I'm an advocate and with my friends very open about it. And, you know, people have fallen to the wayside in the way that you're

describing, even just platonically, people that were jerks about whatever surgery I had or whatever thing that went on, or just people just not showing up for me, you know, right? Like, this surgery that I had in December was, again, a weird one, a very interesting one, using mouth tissue in a vaginal reconstruction. And, you know, it was funny with my friends. I was excited to tell them, in a sense, because, like, isn't that fucking sick? Isn't that weird that they can do that. And I can be open about it with them, but it's hard with somebody you want to be sexual with, you know, cause you're like, this is weird. You know, you're going to see this up close and personal. It doesn't look different. I had a gynecology appointment the other day, got top

reviews, looks amazing, but you know, it's just hard. It's hard. It's also something that you don't have to share until you want to share. You know what I mean? It's not like you have to, it's not like a resume where you have to be like, this is everything that I've been through. And now, okay, do you want to have sex with me? Or do you want to date me? Like, it's not like that. you, as you learn and you grow with someone and you start to trust them, then you are able to tell them. And only when you feel like it, it's not, you know, obviously there are certain things on your body that you're going to want to like identify because of your letter that you have to address. But like what you just mentioned and your vaginal reconstruction with your, like,

who cares? Nobody's going to know about that anyway. I mean, it's a good story. So save it for somebody who deserves to hear it. And also you have a huge advantage also that you're not, you don't know if you want children. You don't know if you want a husband. So the pressure also isn't there in that sense. So you, you have like all of these great things going. So please write those first things down that I mentioned to you as a reminder, every single morning, when you get up, what you've survived, how strong you are. I want to recognize too, you know, some of these like joking terms that you use, like the Jack in the box body and that sort of thing, like that is hard one for you. I know because you've been through so much. So in order to have like

lightness and levity around this, that probably is something you've had to like cultivate and like it's a lifesaver for you. But I also want for you to be able to rename some of the tougher stuff and be able to like send some gratitude and kindness to your body, even if that's just like doing a breathing exercise. I'm sure Jay can give us one, but putting your hand on your heart and thanking your body every day, even if it's just for a couple seconds, like really recognizing that like your your body is doing wonderful things for you even though it's you know it might feel like a betrayal at times i'm sure it does but you know some of the tougher stuff maybe renaming that with something that feels kinder to to your body that's beautiful i i'm

really grateful some days because i do feel more in touch with my body than other people and even you know i'm still very young but even as my friends get older they come to me when there's weird things happening in their body and and they know that I have kind of greater awareness of yeah I've just had to listen to my body but now I need to be thanking it I guess you know that's right in a different way yeah exactly okay I love it I love it thank you so much for calling in today so nice to meet you yeah thank you so much this is really sweet very cool to meet you great you're the best okay we're gonna take a break and we're gonna come back and wrap it up with we'll take one more caller and we'll wrap up with Jay Shetty. Please tag me for the special

because I get so many tags about my books, but I'm not getting as many about my special. And my special is the newest thing out. So I want to make sure all my ardent fans are watching it and tagging me and I'll repost you. And yes, it's called The Feeling. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the jonas brothers live at rbc amphitheater september 28th get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people

survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally

important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm gonna have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a

community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. The Biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us.

Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman. Not that great. Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head? how about we flip the script okay what is the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that it seems like if the universe allows for something like

that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean Like, they're like, oh, what's the state? Everyone's so dumb except for you. And fake. Right, fake and also not interested or just like, oh, I've got my life.

I don't care about your life. And a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Oh, and by the way, Will Ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. and we're back with Jay Shetty who's going on tour you guys you can see him live or is it jayshetty.com where people can get tickets jayshetty.me forward slash tour jayshetty.me

forward slash tour jayshetty.me forward slash tour okay great okay Catherine let's what do we have for our last caller all right our last caller is James he says dear Chelsea I'm a 33 year old gay man and I'm the youngest of four. I have two sisters and a brother. My sisters have kids ranging from three to 10 years old, six total between the two of them. For all of our lives, we've been severely emotionally abused by my narcissist dad, who also doesn't acknowledge that I'm gay because he's so conservative. He recently had one of his explosions, this time in front of the grandkids. My whole family was crying and emotional, but I was sitting there stoic. I accepted a long time ago, there's no point in trying to tame a monster. My family

always seems to let him back in after some time has passed, and I'm getting to my breaking point with what I should do if we all continue to allow this behavior. My mom recently made an appointment with a divorce attorney, but I'm skeptical of the follow-through. I've been a vocal advocate for separation, and I love my mom more than anything, so I don't see a scenario where I can leave her behind. Yet it seems clear that we all need to leave him behind. How do I navigate this if not everyone is on board. Sincerely, James. Hi, cutie. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Your cute little dog is there. This is Jay Shetty, our special guest today. Oh, hi. This is the coolest therapy session I've ever had.

Hey, James. It's so nice to meet you. You too. Thank you. Okay, Jay, I'm going to let you start this. What are your thoughts initially? Well, James, first of all, I'm sorry you're having to go through that because it's the worst when you're in a family setup where you're not accepted you're not seen for who you are especially you know by your father and of course it's really really challenging when i find that everyone else is able to look beyond someone's flaws because it may not affect them directly or it does but not as deeply as it's affecting you i think the really big challenge here having worked with many people in similar setups even even been through similar things on my own uh for myself i've found

that it's really, really tough to push someone in a certain direction or to want other people to make decisions that then benefit us better. So I'm sure, and I agree with you, I'm sure you'd want everyone around you to treat your dad in a particular way so that it would be better for you. And I get why, I understand it. The challenge is all of those people are not going to change completely. And even if they change, they're not going to change sustainably. They're not going to be consistent as you said they'll push him out let him back in push him out let him back in and so if i was you i'd really really be focused on what you can control and what you can solve for yourself that allows to be allows you to be around people who are empowering of you

encouraging of you supportive of you that are not draining you that are not you know denouncing who you are that are not taking away parts of your identity but i don't think wanting and wishing and waiting for all of them to change and see what's happening is gonna do the job. And I think you could waste a lot of your time and energy trying to convince them to get them there. And you're just gonna be exhausted by it. And I'd rather you use all of that energy

not to be exhausted, but to be engaged in things you love, to move forward with your life, to build a beautiful life. Because I think a lot of us waste a lot of time trying to fix something than we do trying to move forward. And when you're trying to fix something,

especially when you're trying to fix people and their responses and their behaviors and their loyalties and their affinities you will literally waste years of your life and I don't want to see you waste years of your life because it seems like you want to have a good life and build a good one and build a great one and I can see that from your face right now and I'd rather you be focusing all your energy on that because that will leave you in a place where you'll be able to feel fulfilled have the life that you desire and now whether everyone here gets you understands or not it really doesn't matter it really truly doesn't matter so that's where I'd like to start what do you think about that James that's kind of where it's like gone since I wrote in boundaries have

been set and it's really it's really hard because I'm like I'm just disappointed in my sister specifically because I'm like we have all had the same shared experience with my dad and like why aren't we all rallying around my mom like we should be but they're not because of the grandkids and stuff. And so I'm just, you know, I've started investing more of my time in like my neighbors and friends and stuff that support me for all these things. And my mom, like I've just been inviting her to more things. I'm trying to just invest a lot of my time. And can we just start doing things, me and you, you know? Yeah, I think that's great. I think that's great. There's no reason that you need to have any further exposure to your father. And you can't control what anyone

else in your family is going to do. But you can set an example by extricating yourself from the situation. You know, you love your mom. You could spend time with your mom. That doesn't mean you have to spend time with your father. It doesn't mean you have to have exposure to his abusive behavior, his outbursts, any of that. Like you taking care of yourself is setting the best example that you can set for your family because you don't change people by asking them to change. You actually change by changing, you know, you changing your behavior is going to have more of an impact on them than telling them what they can do. So it sounds like you're halfway there. And so double down on all of that love and happiness and your friends and your neighbors and spending time with your mom alone and making sure that you show up for her. And it's not your fault to actually usher in their separation or divorce either. Just show up with love and compassion and be there for her. And that is the best way for you to like move through this and just really take care of yourself. Boundaries have been set. Great. That's the healthiest thing you can do. You don't have to have exposure to someone who's abusive to you.

that's the hardest part because like when we have these family get togethers and stuff i feel like i am forced to be exposed to him and i'm like i am exposed to him but at the same time like the mental boundaries are there where i'm like i i can be around you but i just i have zero respect for you i don't like you at all like i wish you would go away because we get together like every week so it's it's hard constantly exposed but do you have to do you have to go and expose yourself Like, can't you skip those and spend separate time with your family where your dad's not there? I would love to. Like, that's kind of where I would like to be.

But I feel like the family dynamic of it, especially with my sisters and stuff, they would start kind of hounding me like, you don't want to be part of our kids' lives. Like, why are you skipping this and that? But I mean, I. But no, that's not fair. That's not fair. They can't expect you to show up in a situation that doesn't make you feel good. you can foster a relationship with all of these kids without your dad you can go over there when he's not there so you can do all of those things I and I would encourage you to do so just say I

actually I'm setting a boundary for my mental health I'm happy to see your kids I want to see your kids but not with our dad there I'll do my own thing with them I'll make my own plans exactly exactly and I think setting that intention and making it aware that actually I love you know I love the kids I want to spend time with my nieces and nephews I'm going to make memories with them we're going to set experiences with them like i think you can be incredible in that area and actually being in that group dynamic is probably stopping you from being your whole self with them and so they're probably not even getting the best version of you they're not getting the the most loving most beautiful abundant version of you because you don't get to show

that there because you're too busy having to keep your walls up and your guards up and of course protect yourself and so i really think that it's also explaining to them that hey actually this is going to be better for everyone because i get to be my whole self when i'm with you all i don't get to be my whole self there and i want more spaces i can be my whole self with my niece and my nephew with you know with your sisters with your mom as you said and and that's just going to bring so much more light and joy and actually they're going to see it and the truth is james this is probably going to remind them of the courage that they know they don't have because chances are they feel the same way chances are they'd love to set the same boundaries but it's really hard to do what you're

doing and so if anything as time goes on i wouldn't be surprised if someone said to you privately james well done for doing that i've been wanting to do that my whole life you know it's off and that goes back to what chelsea was saying is that when you're setting the example and doing it not with bitterness not with this like you know anger but you're doing it to say i'm going to be my whole self i want to be my best self where i don't want to be my bitter self and that's going to create so much more joy and love in your family than then they're even used to and so that will be a really, really beautiful experience for everyone. Thank you. That's where, again, I want to get to. And I feel like I'm on the way there, but it's just hard with seeing them every single

week. Yeah, no, no, that's too much. It's too much. You're not doing that anymore. Just take little steps in the right direction of everything that we've said. And you're going to be in a better, healthier space. And you're going to actually be more emotionally available for your family and friends once you have less exposure to your father. So, okay, well, will you touch space with us in a couple of months and let us know how everything's going? Yes. Thank you. Okay, cutie. This was so great. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. Thanks for calling in. Bye. Okay, Jay, we have to get you out of here now. Everyone can go see Jay on tour. It's his on purpose tour. You can listen to his on purpose podcast, which is an award winning podcast. He has

a bestselling book. I mean, he's everywhere. You can follow him on Instagram at Jay Shetty. and if you want tickets it's jsheddy.com forward slash tour right wait jsheddy.me because jsheddy won't sell it to me jsheddy won't sell me the dot com whoever i know i had that problem once too but i got my name back the link will be in the show notes sorry that you didn't jay sorry i know i'm trying i'm trying okay have a great day jay it was so wonderful to see enjoy the rest of your time skiing and I hope I get to see you soon in person. This is so much fun. Thanks for having me. You're the best. Bye-bye. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. It's so much fun. Drum roll, Catherine, please. And abroad, broad is my European tour. So I'm coming to

obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country. and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna. Berlin, Barcelona, Lisbon. I'm coming.

Abroad is abroad. That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad. I know. I want to go see me abroad and there I'll be. There I'll be. Excellent.

Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. there are remaining dates for this year. Summertime is coming and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July 5th. It'll be the next date that I'm there. July 5th, August 30th, and then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th. I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay. Thank you. Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert,

executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for

anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out.

You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our hometown is not a test tube. 90 miles northeast of Nashville, a battle for the future of America plays out in one small town. Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land.

We need cities on a shining hill. This is Our Town, a podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment and fights back. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.