Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Open to Happy Endings

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

Chelsea and Brandon discuss why a foot rub always comes with strings attached, how Chelsea used a home Covid test machine to screen her dates, and how to casually ask for a happy ending at a 5-star resort. A caller’s past sexual trauma is affecting her current relationship. A recent college grad wonders if she measures up to the women she sees online. And a biologist seeks tools to deal with social anxiety. The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook. Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us.

Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What's going on? You've been back now for weeks. I feel like I've not heard a thing about your dating or like apps or what. Okay, so this is what happened. We talked about the guy that sent me the dildo, right?

Yes, we did talk about him. Okay, so on the podcast? I think we've talked about it everywhere, basically. Okay. Well, anyway, so that was happening. I went to Whistler. Then something, I had some action in Whistler a little bit. You know what?

Just to, let me do a quick recap. You dated this guy. You met him on Raya. Raya, right. Yeah, he seemed like a great guy. Like a couple of your friends met him. I met him. He seemed really cool.

Yeah. You leave for a few months, you go to Whistler, he sends you a dildo. It's like this gift, he was setting it up. He was trying to be funny. I didn't think that was funny at all. It icked me out and I couldn't talk to him again after he sent that dildo. I just thought, what is this? Anyway, so I threw the dildo right in the trash.

And then I hooked up with someone in Whistler, thanks to a friend of mine. I had a little penetration there a few times. So that was good. but yeah since i've been back it's been kind of dry yeah yeah well let's not use the adjective that's pretty gross referring to you yes but i am back on raya so i'll just have to make some connections like basically what happens on raya is they've opened their dating pool you can tell by the selection a b i like raya because it yields very nice results yeah like this isn't an ad for raya but but it could be well it could be but it's not but i i've definitely gotten a lot of

like for every time i've used raya whether it's new york london or la not usually la only this last time covid because i was so desperate right it's yielded very good results men that i'm like oh i can have sex with this guy not men that i'm like oh god gross like quality in terms of characteristics how they look like legitimate like decent people you're not dealing with any weirdos i've had a couple so it's like the lift of dating apps like uber is kind of for everybody lift seems that curate a little bit better selection. Yeah, okay, so maybe Lyft, yeah. And I interviewed a lot of candidates during COVID.

I would come over, you know, when I had those COVID tests, right? I would just tell them, like, I would have them come sit down outside. I'd be like, hey, I need you to take a COVID test. I'd administer the test, and then they'd sit like 10 feet away from me, and we'd talk, and the test took like 20 minutes.

Yeah, it was an actual piece of medical equipment. Yeah, it was called QHealth, and we bought it so that I could test people. And then if I didn't like them And by the end of the 30 minutes, I would just tell the person, you're positive to skedaddle. And then they would have to leave the house thinking that they had COVID. And I would assume, like a couple of people I text, I'm like, I'm just kidding. You don't have COVID, but I don't want to have sex.

I don't need to see you again. One guy, though, came over to the house and we were having fun talking. His COVID test was being, you know. Processed. Processed. And I said, so what's been your COVID like protocol? Like just to see what kind of. So this means you were assessing it.

You're like, OK, now I'm ready to have sex. Oh, I can fuck this guy. Like, I'm definitely into it. You know, this is for sure. And he was kind of, you know, he was cute. And then he said, well, I mean, I wear a mask everywhere I go. I don't know why I talk in this dumb voice when I'm imitating man, but he's like, I wear a mask everywhere I go, but I don't think they work. And I just.

That's a boner killer. Well, that was the biggest boner killer. I just looked at him and thought, why would you say, why did you just say that? Like, I was just going to fuck you. I was just going to wait for your COVID test to be returned negative. and then I was going to allow penetration. Yeah. And you blew it by saying something like,

I don't think masks work. What is the point of saying, uttering a sentence that is so stupid? Because men are stupid. Why don't you take my vagina off of me and walk away with it? I know. Not even under the guise of a date.

Like, everyone knew what was going to happen in this scenario. But why would you say that? And he still fucks it up. Because men are dumb. I don't think masks work. Are you a fucking doctor? are you a medical examiner are you i mean honestly no who are you to tell me that you

don't think masks work they just always want their opinion heard honestly you should have just kept his mouth shut and then he'd be in a much different situation yeah exactly we probably could probably still be together had he not uttered that stupid phrase or sent you a dildo there's a cute one i was i was talking to and he was cute he looked promising although he's in new York. Fuck. I know. But I'll go to New York at some point for something. I know. I just love if sweetheart ever lets me out of his sight. Not likely. But I do love when you have a man in your life who you're having sex with regularly. Yeah. When we were this is a cute story, actually, when we were when I was in Whistler, I talked to you on the phone one morning about something and

I was like, oh, by the way, I had sex last night. And he was like, I mean, the shrill in your voice. It was like having just the happiness that you felt for me was just so sweet. And I thought, wow what a sweetheart you were like sweetheart got penetration i just love i think because i know you have a high standard and so when you let that happen it's like great on all fronts it's like oh she got what she needed she found someone who's probably cool like if you're gonna fuck them they're not a dud hopefully right um so it just seems like this is you know a great track for you to be on when you're getting regular penetration i know i know tell me about it i would like regular penetration because the whole thing about the sex thing is it's just so nice

It's not even I've said this to you before, but it's not even just like the act of sex. It's the whole thing that goes with the act of sex. It's the flirtation and it's the handholding and the like body touching and like caressing and all that stuff that is really nice to have between two people. So it's a good reminder of like all that fun stuff because it's really just not the sex alone, although that's a requirement. Well, and you had a great dynamic with a dildo guy because he knew that when it was a wrap on the sex that he needed to skit out. like okay it's time for me to leave that was another but he was good because he knew that he's like i don't want to overstay my welcome he wasn't trying to sleep over well i explained to him right away that there wouldn't be sleepovers unless i wanted to sleep at his house or something

like that but he heard it and he accepted it yeah and he didn't yes that was really nice and then there was the same dildo guy he had come over for basically a dinner a dinner interview with your friends myself and sophie and there was it was so nice to see you in that element because you guys were sitting closely he was rubbing your leg yeah it was just it was a side of you that i hadn't seen because since we've been together you've never had anyone else why would you need to i know well it's like why would i need to ever meet any man except for you now this is i love when we can talk through this because now it's starting to make sense the reason i love that so much for you is because i know there are certain things i can't give you like the caressing like i'll rub

your feet like if after we ski if like you need a foot rub but like the sensual my feet after a foot after we ski ben bruno we went on a ski trip once this was uh our first sweetheart ski goodway and it was me chelsea and her trainer ben bruno and it was the beginning of the trip yeah we had all touched down together it was very exciting three of us but other people were coming but we're not there yet yeah and i don't know that you could uh create a more awkward situation or dynamic between three people and in particular there was one night where we are all chelsea not you know we're we're just in tune we know exactly what each other want when we want it and we both knew we just wanted to relax we had skied we wanted to watch a movie watch a movie relax order

food ben bruno wanted to get in the hot tub yeah and anyone who's anyone with a brain knows you're not getting in a hot tub well with ben burton well i'm not getting in a hot tub at all period like i'm not into hot tubs i don't like heat as much as i prefer other things so that's already a thing but yes so he comes downstairs and he's like hey do you guys want to go in the hot tub and we were watching something interesting yeah we and we like we were into it already like it had been a little bit we had been home like settled in and we were so fucked up like we were really stoned and he comes out i can't remember if he was shirtless or but he was definitely in shorts and it was always in shorts it was like a little kid he's like okay i'm going

to get a hot tub let's go get in the hot tub and we both look at each other like what are you gonna go i'm not going like i'll sacrifice you but i'm not going we both weren't going in the hot tub we both were like no ben no one's going in the hot tub have fun and then he came out again and was like hey you guys want to get in the hot tub and i was like no we said we're not getting like still No, we're not getting in the hot tub. I can't remember what the segue was to this, but there was some foot rubbing situation. Oh, he asked if I wanted a foot rub.

And I was like, no. And then you asked. And I was like, sure. Why? Because I'm not a threat. Yeah, I don't think he's going to hit on me. Ben would probably argue, though, that he wasn't hitting on me.

He was just being nice. But it felt like he was hitting on me. There was no expectation for sex after that foot rub between you and me. with a straight man there's still some sort of underlying like yeah what could i turn this into and there's nothing also more life advice there's nothing fucking worse than when you really just want a back rub and all your partner wants to do is fuck it's like sometimes it's just a back rub like sometimes i'm giving you one i don't like i don't want more there there needs

to be some sort of expectation set with these things i agree with that yeah you can't just give somebody a back rub and then also ask for one in return like i don't love that no no it's like if I have to give you a foot my sister always does that she's like will you do me and I'm like I'll do you first so that you're doing me last plus my sister's massages or tickles or whatever she calls them suck so it's like first of all no you don't even deserve one in return for what you're going to do to me because I've been through these massages before and it's basically like a leaf is blowing past you you know or touching yes yeah it's not even a caress nobody wants to give a massage after they've just gotten one like tomorrow I'll give you one today you give me one

We need to alternate days. Right. And it can't happen. But a lot of people do like to exchange services like that. I just am not. I'm not one of those people. I'd rather pay for a massage. I me too. And then. Yeah. And then I don't have to do anything in return. Do you remember that massage therapist again on a ski trip that massage therapist that guy that you had that came in and it was like he had never done massages before. Everything about it was very strange. You come out of the room and you're just like we got we either have to move from this location or we have to get him out over the balcony. like i can't see him again so high this guy yeah we were in park city and he came and he was already really shady looking like he looked like like he had really long hair he looked very very skinny like very skinny right like a hippie that you wouldn't want to hang out with yeah and he just looked stoned or like he could have been on something we'll assume it was weed right and so when he came in and he was doing all this like i was on the table and he was literally like i could feel like the rush of air swiped by my body from his hands but it was almost like he was doing like a seance over my body with his hands and i was like sir this isn't a massage like are you gonna

touch my actual body and he was like oh oh yeah yeah yeah i'm just getting started and i'm like is this a joke like is this a because i was on that show girls behaving badly that hidden camera show where i did that once where i played a masseuse who never actually touched the person and so I thought that I thought is this a joke and then I thought what is going on here but then of course I was a little stoned so I thought well maybe you know I'm just high and then of course you know every woman's worst mistake is assuming it's their fault anyway I got up from the table and then I sent Sophie in and she got up from the table and was like what the fuck was that and I was like I told you I didn't think that was a masseuse she's like you didn't tell me I'm like

oh well I told Brandon that's one of those experiences that you never because you can't put it into words even if it's bad you have to have someone else experience it to reaffirm what you went through well at the point like once an hour was finally over because he was like do you want 90 minutes I'm like no actually I want 45 now now that you've started I'd like to get back the last hour if we could then I for the last like 20 minutes I couldn't stop thinking about how funny it would be for Sophie to be getting this massage and how excited I was for her to be in the same situation i was in so by that point i was like oh no she's gonna get it well two very different personality types too so the outcome we both stayed there and allowed it

to happen so the common thread is that women allow stupid shit to go on for some reason i bet a man wouldn't have done that a man would have said what the fuck is this and gotten up and walked out have you ever gotten up no i feel too bad for the masseuses exactly i i've i have i had problems asking for extra strength like for a few years because i didn't want to offend the masseuse Now I know how to stand up for myself in a nice, normal way. Do you ever feel like when you ask for added pressure that they add so much to try and prove a point? Yeah, definitely. That fucking annoys me.

I think that's just a voice in your head. I don't think that they're doing that on purpose. No, I think that's what we just think because we're paranoid about saying anything in the first place. And then when they up it, we're like, fuck. Yeah, I have a harder time asking for an adjustment. I've gotten up, I think, two or three times. I'm just like, I'm just not comfortable. In the middle of a happy ending?

Yeah. I don't care. There's nothing worse than wanting to relax so badly, so intently. Have you ever gotten intensely? Have you ever gotten a happy ending during a massage? I know it does actually happen. I don't know. I think there's signals or there's something you have to do.

You have to give them some sort of guidance or insight to what you're wanting. What about opening your legs and pointing at your vagina? Is that a signal? Just like here, insert here. I think I once had a friend who told me, I worked with her. She told me that she was at one of those resorts in Santa Barbara and that the masseuse would go down on her all the time. And I was like, I remember our whole group was working was when we were on Chelsea Lately

and we were all sitting around a table going, are you fucking kidding me? I'm like, hey, if guys are going down on the women and during massages, like why hasn't that not happened to me? Because I would be open to that happening. Would you? Yeah. Yes. Okay.

Some masseuse just finishing me off before I get up. Of course I'm open to that. I think that that's part of the issue, though, is I've never had anyone massage me where I would want them to finish anything. I don't put that. I don't want them to do anything. Like, there's no kissing.

There's just, we're not holding hands. We're not even communicating. They just are going to go down on me as a service. Yes. Would it matter to you if it were a man or a woman? No, not really. Well, so if you ever massage Chelsea Handler. Yes.

Upcoming masseuses, but not for Jaime, though. Jaime's married and is my masseuse here in L.A. but at resorts if you guys are down with that so am i you just need to check that box at the bottom of your intake forms that you would like to be finished they don't say they don't put anything then just write it in yeah i will like a ballot for a candidate that's not on the ballot oh that's what i should say the next time i get a massage i'm before you get started before you go down on me at the very end will you just give me like a 10 minute warning yeah just set it as like the preface of like this is the expectation and just slip it in be like okay so i like a medium pressure

My lower back's been hurting. And when you go down on me, if we could just not make eye contact. Oh. Okay, it sounds like we're going to take a break, and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all?

And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month, price guaranteed for two years on Internet with a two-year term and auto-pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive

what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming.

They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture

conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around

here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip. I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, aka the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no

gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can you help me shape this yeah how about we flip it on his head okay how about we flip the script okay what is the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott this entire time, you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show. I would never

expect. I would never set expectations for something like that to happen. If the universe allows for something like that to happen, I'm open to it. I'm always going to accept. You know, Danny McBride, fine. Yeah. It's all this fragile masculinity

exuding. I could smell it walking down the hallway, to be honest with you. I was like, is that weed? nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like they're like oh what's everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a

on every episode but he's just so busy listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts should we get into some advice yeah we covered a lot of topics there's like we're giving me advice now well let's give some advice to kirby he's kirby he's 53 he writes dear chelsea my name is kirby i'm 53 and have several underlying health issues like insulin dependency neuropathy and my legs and arms and many more but those are the things that make me miserable well this isn't off to a great start my kids are all adults my ex-wife was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2019 three months later my mother died of terminal leukemia i'm an alcoholic i try not drinking but it doesn't last long and i go right back to it

i didn't even drink until i was 32 years old i was always a functioning alcoholic but in the last year it's been something i go to daily nightly even hourly then i just have to stop for a few days i'm not doing bad my house is paid for i have no car payment but i feel like i'm going to overdo it one time and my kids will find me dead i'm not suicidal at all it never even crosses my mind but i worry one day my body is going to say fuck you kirby and it will be over i just can't stop drinking in excess it's when i'm by myself which is often and i suffer bad for days and i often isolate myself from everybody including my kids i'm drinking now but i can still gather my thoughts i don't know what to expect from this hopefully i won't be made fun of well i think we

should set up we're never gonna make fun of people no no serious issues no no of course not no we're not here for that absolutely not i'll make fun of people that don't have serious issues but not people that do i think kirby has to stop drinking kirby i think you need to stop drinking and i think you need to like i think you need a community like it sounds like you feel very alone and i think you should start by going to aa meetings you probably weren't expecting to hear that but like you really really need a community of people who understand what you're going through because what's happening to you you're not the only man in the world that feels this way so you need to be in a situation where you can hear other people talking about their problems and

their struggles with alcohol and that is aa i completely agree i mean this is yeah this is because you have all the signposts here like you're saying you can't control your drinking you you're excessively drinking you your kids are all adults so of course you don't have to focus your attention on them and your wife passed away in a terrible accident and then your mother died like i understand that you're feeling very sorry for yourself and that's okay but you can't feel sorry for yourself and then on top of that drown yourself in alcohol you can feel sorry for yourself and not drink but you can't do both well and this really speaks to me because my mom and kirby are about the same age she had a lot of stuff happen early in life that can really set

someone's life plan on a different path. And it's hard to get back to a place where you're operating and functioning at a high level and happily, but it's not too late. So Kirby, my mom did AA for six months. She did it religiously. I think she was going to like two or three meetings a week. And that was when we all thought she was back on the right track. And she has since fallen off of the wagon and it's a process. So you just have to get yourself started. You have to find a group, an AA group. You need to find a sponsor. You need to find something to do in the place of drinking. There are small steps you can take to just make yourself feel like you have more control than you do now. And eventually the control will come.

I know you're in pain because you have insulin dependency and it says you have neuropathy in your legs and arms. But like drinking can't be your ameliorant. That's not going to be your pain fixer. You have got to get alcohol out of your repertoire. For someone like this, would you recommend they try cannabis? I would, but I think right now you need to take a, like, he needs to get his head clear. So you're 53 years old. Like, that is not old. Not anymore.

No, you have a lot of life. You have a lot of life. And don't you want to share that with someone? And don't you want to have more adventures and have more enjoyable times? Like, you can't just be putting a Band-Aid on a Band-Aid on a Band-Aid. So you need to go to AA, I think. And that's where you can start with, like, you know, talk therapy because you'll be talking to other people. And the other thing I would suggest if you can afford it or if your health care provider can provide it is to get a therapist because you need to really be talking this stuff out.

Men hold too much stuff in and then it just leads to this and then it becomes insurmountable and you feel so sorry for yourself and I don't want you to feel that way. And Kirby, you can also look into there are subsidized therapists basically in every area or online now. Yeah, online therapy. I would recommend looking for one that subsidizes based on your current income if that's an issue. and it may not be, but finding someone that you're comfortable to talk to outside of AA as well to hold you accountable for the things that are affecting you personally that don't have to do with your alcoholism. Because that's another thing that I've realized and what I've been going through with my family is that everything is not to do with the alcohol being incorporated into

your life. That it's not all the result of that and you're not drinking because of all those things. There's just a lot to unpack in your life, it seems like, and having someone there outside of your AA meetings to delve into those things is probably going to be really beneficial to you. Yeah, I agree with that. And I think if AA just sounds like so overwhelming to you, there's a reason it does, because it's your ticket to happiness. And I swear, if you really focus on getting alcohol out of your life, I guarantee you, you will find joy and happiness again. I guarantee you. Kirby, let us know. Keep us posted. We hope you're doing okay. That was a serious one.

Well, people have serious issues. And, you know, sadly, this is one of those things that all of these things are compounding on him. So he has health issues. He's had emotional distress over these last years. And then the pandemic for everyone over the last year, I'm sure, has just multiplied and magnified. On a wet blanket, on a wet blanket, on an ashtray. It feels like he's drowning. But I would have never believed it with the AA thing. But after seeing the result of it from either people that I know or my mom specifically, there's a reason that it works. There's a reason people who stick to it seemingly have a positive outcome. Because if nothing else, people fall off the wagon all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just people don't realize how easy it is. It's just that one hump you have to get over, which is the initial, you know what I mean? is like going to do what you want to do and then sticking like going to the meeting is the hardest thing and i just wish you would think about your age like 53 you could have a whole other life you could have two more lives you're a man you could get married seven more times this will seem like a blip you just have to do it go to the first one it's like the first workout class once you do the first one the rest aren't that bad and you realize the conditioning that you're going through while

you're there and that you are getting better so good luck kirby maybe i should just have sex with all these people maybe that would help maybe we should be sex therapist well sex sex as the therapy i mean like there are actual people who have sex with people to not cure but to help alleviate some of these uh really yeah it's a thing sex therapy yeah there are only so many states i think or so many countries sweetheart that allow for it but yeah there are people that have like severe social anxiety and they'll see a sex therapist to get that intimacy to feel more comfortable around people okay well i don't think we should offer that service yet until we find a caller that i think i'm attracted to yeah we'll we'll set that expectation for season two okay

our next submission comes from t mr t just letter t uh 22 out of vancouver she writes oh this is nice hi chelsea and brandon that's me i need sex life advice i'm a girl in my 20s and i'm struggling my first relationship started when i was beginning high school and it lasted until my first year of University. He was abusive and I experienced intimate partner sexual violence for pretty much the entire time we were together. I'm very sorry to hear that. Fast forward a few years. My new boyfriend is amazing and I'm super attracted to him, but I really struggle to feel the mood for sex. How can I get my libido going? Well, this too is a very serious question, but this is something that I imagine sadly a lot of women deal with. And we have T on the phone. T? Hi.

Hi, T. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Oh, we're good. We're glad you called. Yeah, thank you. I'm honestly shocked that I even got a response. I was totally not expecting anything. Oh, yeah. Well, we're serious about our quest. No, it's not a quest. It's more of a... Well, it's certainly not a journey. Yeah, it's not a journey. So, T, are you attracted to your boyfriend now? Of course, yeah. You are?

Definitely. Okay. And have you guys had sex? Yes. Yeah. You just have trouble getting into the mood? Yeah, it's just like, I don't know, it's often once it starts, I'm like, okay, yes, I am enjoying this. But often when he tries to initiate, I'm kind of just like, it doesn't feel comfortable. And that's not anything with him. I'm 100% comfortable with him. I mean, honestly, it's trauma. Like, really, if I think about it, that's what it is.

and are you comfortable making the move on him though you are comfortable when it starts that way yeah yeah to a degree i'm i'm not super confident in making the move aggressive not aggressively that's not the right word but like forward yeah yeah like if it's just like we start kissing or whatever and it kind of moves naturally i'm good with that but like making like a statement or like right you're not coming out of your room like in a negligee or something right yeah yeah neither am I by the way so I'm with you on that you've discussed your past relationship with him right the abuse yeah yeah definitely so he understands right have you voiced this to him how you yeah he's he's super super good with it and it always is asking me throughout the whole

way like are you good is this okay like he's definitely really good with that yeah okay so you have to find ways just to turn yourself on internally yeah what I would say right off the at, but this is a perfect example where we need a sex therapist or somebody like, you know, a survivor's therapist who can actually speak to this. And we will try and find that person for you. But I would say instinctively off the bat, how long have you been dating your new boyfriend? Like three years. Okay. So that's a long time, right? Yeah.

And so have these feelings abated during that time? Did they used to be stronger? Yes. So in the beginning, my thing is that I kind of disassociate during sex. My mind just wanders in all of a sudden kind of blank out in the beginning that's what was happening and I was like I'm not enjoying this so then I kind of started trying to have the conversation with him about like what happened and that went fine and then so it kind of progressed now it's just kind of like stuck in this little rut is there anything that he can do or those moments where you do find yourself with your guard down and you feel more comfortable is there not I hate to use the word like foreplay but is there a build-up or a setup that he has been able to do or that

you acknowledge and realize like okay this is this is what propels the sexual interaction where I feel comfortable initially yeah I found specifically being at my house in my bed I find that is more comfortable and I tend to feel better in that space and then also I don't know why but having a shower first seems to work like it can kind of just if we shower together I don't know why but it it's comforting there and then it can kind of progress yeah and so when you say you're stuck in a rut like so things were okay for a while and then this happened or like you said things used to be a little bit more intense and so they've intensified less but what do you mean by the rut exactly we've had discussions where he's obviously really good about all this but he has expressed

you know that he doesn't always feel desired and I don't want him to feel like that because obviously this is a mutual thing where it should both be feeling that way so I guess the issue is making him feel that way too and getting confidence in myself and yeah just feeling in the mood to actually initiate that I think the the strongest aphrodisiac is communication right so like that is really you guys seem to have a really good dialogue and he seems to obviously be very careful with what's happened to you and your past so he's obviously very dedicated to making sure that you feel safe so i think if you say like if you have these conversations and you're like listen i want to give you what you want and i want to be more sexually open but this is like a process that we

have to learn how to do together and i want to be in this with you and i want to open up more like be more free sexually with you because i trust you because i love you you know all the right things but i think having a really open dialogue with your partner is going to lead to success quicker than later have you had counseling i've just kind of started again i went a couple times and it was kind of towards the beginning and it was just so hard to even get words out about it so i've just recently started going again but yeah that's obviously i need to do that That's I know going to help a lot. Yeah, that's going to help a lot. And, you know, we will try and find a sexual therapist that we can we can put you in contact with to help you like somebody who specializes with victims of abuse or that have been in abusive relationships prior, because I'm sure there's a lot of tricks up somebody's sleeves for what to do. And we do want to help you. But obviously, this isn't my specialty or wheelhouse, sweetheart. Right. Well, but I do think the communication, you know, like I'm sure you guys have an open communication already. Yeah, that's one thing that definitely wasn't so much in the beginning, just because I wasn't

communicating about it. I wasn't. It's a hard thing to talk about, right? Of course. But yeah, that's definitely gotten a lot better, especially like even in the last three or four months, we've been talking about it a lot more. Yeah. So I would say over communicate during this time, you know, because it will only bring you closer together. And so he can have a better understanding of where you're coming from. And you can start to understand that that is your past. That's not your present and you'll be able to be a little bit more free hopefully and in the meantime we will get us we'll find somebody yeah yeah awesome this is a good mission for us to go on on your behalf so we'll we'll be in touch okay thank you all right keep smiling t thank you bye bye keep

smiling keep shining i know it's and there's so much like i see her and then i like think of my little sisters and I'm like the fact that anyone could put someone in that position to feel out of control of their body or that they're owed someone something through their body like it's just it's so horrible this is the other thing is I hope that for someone like that they can get their power back by talking about it to other people going to a support group or helping younger girls who are currently experiencing this because I feel like once you put yourself in that position to help someone else it gives you like a sense of self again they're like okay whatever was taken from me i'm helping someone else like you get something back internally yeah no i think you're

probably right about that and it's also it's really hard to talk about sexual abuse but it's really hard for someone's power to be taken away it's it's not fair because nobody gets to do that you know nobody gets to take somebody else's power away but i do feel like she based on the limited information we had that her boyfriend is probably you know a good guy he's understanding he's trying to process this with her and there need to be more men like that that understand the dynamics of past sex issues that women have gone through and being patient so yeah i agree with that our next submission who is a caller her name is charlotte she's from houston she's 23 a recent college grad she writes dear chelsea how do i stop feeling so ugly all the time i can't stop looking in the

mirror and thinking about how people I find hot would never find me beautiful. You seem so confident and I want that. Charlotte, are you there? Hi. Yes, I am. Hi, Charlotte. Hi. You're so cute. I know. What are you talking about? Well, it feels stupid to think about because it's like such a shallow thing to care about and I hate using brain power thinking about it. But I just like spiral sometimes and I spend too much time like looking in the mirror and I just I can only see the things that are flaws and that I hate about myself and then I like go on Instagram or whatever and I'm not just like comparing myself to models or whatever but I'm looking at like my peers and I'm like oh this I'm not measuring up and I really struggle with that and you just seem

so confident and like you don't care and i admire that a lot well that's bullshit i do care i just care more she cares immensely i do i care immensely but i care more about also my self worth than i care yeah about my looks i care a lot about my looks so don't think that i do not care okay i live in la it's impossible not to care right but i know the cycles that bring me down And one of them is trolling through Instagram and looking and comparing yourself to other people. And the other thing is looking in the mirror all the time. Do you know how many times I've been at lunch with somebody and there's like a reflection or glass behind their wall that I'm facing? I'll be sitting across from somebody and there'll be glass or and I'll be sitting there staring at myself.

And then I have to realize, oh, my God, you're fucking at lunch and you're staring at yourself. Could you be a bit like there is no bigger loser than that person. Right. So you can't be that person. you know we're not in the business of looking at ourselves in the mirror all day long that was for when we were little girls growing up and we had nothing better to do so you have to get rid of those habits a they're not helpful you know what i mean you should limit your time to instagram for a few you know for whatever is a reasonable amount of time for you and you should try and get out of the habit of like staying too long in front of the mirror even if it's in the morning or you're

getting ready you're totally adorable you're pretty yeah you're beautiful like you have i don't know what you're talking you're like making a problem where there is none well that's part of reason I don't want to talk about it is because I feel like it can come off as like fishing for compliments and then people are like oh what are you talking about but I feel like it's like a deeper issue than that I mean I appreciate it thank you I just it's uncomfortable to hear when we're telling you I'm sure like there are there are these things that when people are doing it's like it's so hard to see yourself the way someone else sees you and so then when you're going through it it's like you don't want to vocalize it because you know someone would kill to look

like you yeah it's just a strange but and it's okay it's okay to acknowledge it but you also have to accept it that we can never look like someone else so comparing yourself to someone is a dead end like you're never going to fulfill yourself that way so you have to look at what else you're contributing to society as a person like maybe you have a killer sense of humor there's so much more to you than your looks and you already have great looks so it's also It's also like you think I exude confidence. Okay. Like I am very confident about myself. And I think like you have to really focus on what you're where your confidence is coming from. Right. Where are you getting your confidence from, from your job, from your family, from your friends? Right. Where is it coming from?

I mean, I guess my friends, like my friends are, you know, they're the people that hype me up the most. And they're like the most important thing to me. So those are the people I care about. Right. Right. But you don't have to care. That's not your confidence, though. What are you getting your self-esteem from? Like you could get self-esteem from some of your friends, but like where is your self-worth coming from? You know, how do you think about yourself? I guess my personality. Like that's what I think I bring to the table when I meet people. And that's what I think I bring to the table when I am out and about. right and that's well that's plenty i mean your personality alone like if you know you're adding to the mix when you show up somewhere or that like your friend group is going to have more fun once you get there like that's a lot to be confident about do you know what the fucking worst thing in the world is is going to like a dinner or happy hour with people who are beautiful but fucking duds and that's all that's all of la you'll go and this like i do it to myself all

the time you'll show up and there's this like beautiful gay guy sitting next to me and i'm like what I would I would fucking kill to look like you but he doesn't have a thing to say he's not cracking one joke he's contributing nothing why is that an issue because everything that we use to measure ourselves right now is based on a photo online so we can't tell what sort of personality someone has you know what start a tiktok you'll probably fucking shine there because it's a video where someone can see your personality I know that that's true because my friends we call it like hot girl syndrome because if you grew up beautiful if you were always like a pretty person if you were never bullied in middle school you never had to like develop a

personality to fight your way through it and they like get away with things that normal people can't like we'll be at the bar and we'll be like can we please come in and they'll be like no and then our beautiful friend will be like hi can me and my seven friends come in and they're like of course please come in like we'll roll out the red carpet and it's just i don't know like it's but you should see that for what it is right like so that's her advantage in life right so she gets to get all of her girlfriends into a bar and that's her advantage your advantage may not be that but you've still got something that she doesn't have and it's not all about that you know what i mean like it really isn't everybody who's like so hung up on how beautiful they are or how they can be more

beautiful guess what unless you're willing to get plastic surgery you're not going to be able to change your face you know if you want to look like a kardashian you could surgically look like that But like, I think confidence comes from a lot more than just the way you look. So you should dig into the reasons or circumstances where you do feel confident and remember what those were about. Yeah. You know, I don't know. I do feel like it's challenging because I do like I think it is different for women than it is for men. And I think that. fucking shit. Yeah. And I, I mean, it is, I feel like it's so obvious that like your looks as a woman impact your time in, in business, in relationships. Like it just, that's just the way it is. And I wish it wasn't that way. I wish it was all personality, but like the way you look does matter so much. And I'm, I mean, you obviously know that living in LA, but like,

I think that's another reason where when people are like, Oh, just get over it or you're pretty enough and then it's like well but it does matter because it's so clear like in everyday life that pretty people get treated even better yeah but you're still arguing about something that you can't change right yeah i mean you are the way you are you're i mean which again is like you are a beautiful which is pretty yeah so you are the way that you are so like it's like you're saying like okay so it's like me sitting here going god i wish i had more money more money more money more money look at that person look at that person i want more money i want more money i want more money It's like, well, no, that's not a good example.

Because if I really wanted the money, I would go after, you know what I mean? What kind of example am I making that like? Everyone has something else and that it's not always obtainable. So, yeah, maybe the money thing for you would be accessible. But maybe there's a role that you wanted or a show or something that you couldn't get that does not diminish what you do have. Right. So that very, very kind of like corny saying of not focusing, like don't focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you do have is actually very meaningful to me. I always do that. Whenever I get in any sort of negative rut, I'm like, just focus on what you have and what you can offer and who you are. Why are you different than everyone? Which you are. You know what I mean? You're a unique person. And so, yeah, our self-worth is like, it's almost like you're allowing it to be dictated to you,

right? You're allowing the men in charge to tell you that this girl is prettier because you see her on your feed or this girl's prettier or that girl's prettier. You're running a race that you can't win. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's true. So find that thing. It's a skill, a talent. Maybe it's something that you have like baking, whatever that is. Like, again, it's hard to quantify on Instagram how good you're going to feel about yourself in that way but those little things a personality is way more important to me than looks at this point in every person but it gives you an inherent sense of confidence when you find whatever that is that you're really great at or that you really love you'll realize it's less about your looks because you were just looking

for something to give you that confidence boost yeah and then you realize oh I was investing energy in this wrong thing like think of all this time and energy you're putting into wishing you looked like this person. So this person might like you. Take that energy, invest it into something that you can physically put your finger on that like, oh, this makes me feel good. And other people appreciate it. And you're going to realize like, oh, I actually don't care that much that I don't look like this woman. Yeah, that's really great advice. Great. Well, it's true. It's just like fucking find something. I'm doing that right now. It's hard. And pat yourself on the back every time you do add something like, you know, if you have a good time with your girlfriends and you

were a big part of that you know go like way to go you know like remember to tell yourself why you're valuable do you work i just graduated college so i'm congratulations oh that's also awesome thanks that you just graduated college give yourself a pat on the back for that girl i didn't even get that thank you which means you have a lot of fucking time to figure it out everything seems like imminent right now like i have to figure this out it's not there's a lot of time left yeah but you know it is an inside job like your confidence is up to you It's an inside job, as my psychiatrist, Dan, always tells me everything is like it's whatever mental story you're going to tell yourself every single day. And you have to get into the habit of telling yourself why you're valuable and that it's not dependent on your looks.

It's not all physical. No, it's such a minor part. It seems like it's the only part, but it's not. Yeah, it's not just the celebrities like I can't help but compare myself to my friends. But remember, everyone is doing that. So someone is doing that to you. Someone you're encountering throughout your day is saying, like, I wish I looked like that girl. Like, I wish I had her laugh, her teeth, whatever it is. It is a constant revolving wheel of comparisons. Do you have a sister? I do. I have an older sister.

Okay. Are you guys tight? No. Oh, okay. Where were you going with that, sweetheart? I was just going to say, like, when I get a little distracted by like what's important and what isn't, I remind myself to think about if I would allow this to happen to my sister. Would I allow my sister to go through the day beating herself up about her looks? No, I wouldn't. So I was going to say to you to think of someone in your life that you really care about and how you would feel if they were treating themselves like this, like a daughter or a niece or, you know, someone's friend. Yeah. One of your best friends. Like you don't want anyone to feel this way. You don't want you want to be empowered and emboldened as a woman and as an example for other women in your life. Right. I mean, it is true. Like also personality affects so much of what you see as beautiful people, because if someone's beautiful and they're a shitty person, you don't think that they're attractive anymore. Exactly. Let me tell you, if you had a confidence to walk up to that bouncer or security at the bar with an authority like you were going to get in, he probably would have fucking let you in.

It's just like that Amy Schumer movie. Like, it's all about your perception. So if you come off like, no, I'm like, I am hot. I look fucking hot. I feel hot. Like, that's what people are going to see when you're perceiving yourself in a certain way. It can challenge what people think of you because it's just the energy you're putting

off. So go into tomorrow with a different mentality of how you're going to look at yourself in the mirror through other people's lenses. And I'm sure you're going to see an adjustment. Yeah. Like confidence is hot. Confidence is the hottest thing. yes it's the sexiest thing so grab on to that write a fucking note to yourself put confidence

right next to your nightstand so when you wake up every morning you're like okay copy that and then carry it around with you all right i'll put it on my mirror yeah yeah put it on your mirror yeah with a picture of me next to it with a thumbs up yeah that's what i'll put that's i love that i'll see that every day yeah yeah and then remember confidence report back charlotte let us know how it's going i will do you have a boyfriend no okay no i don't want that okay oh you don't well that's your choice that's confidence right there there we go okay all right bye charlotte problem solved thank you so much this was so great bye charlotte bye she was cute yeah another cutie patootie the confidence issues that yeah that seems to be a very pervasive issue and

especially like younger girls it's real bad out there huh aren't you so glad that you didn't grow up with social media dictating your worth glad i don't have a child i am so glad i don't have a daughter that needs to be raised or that needs confidence instilled in her or that i have to watch a girl like go through heartbreak or i couldn't when do you feel you're most confident i don't know actually i have multiple parts this like when do you feel sexiest well i mean it helps to be like in hair and makeup you know like and out and about and in a nice outfit and like where you're dressed up you know i'm not going to get dressed up on my own so that's half the time i feel the most confidence when i'm working and i have to be in hair and

makeup and i'm appearing on like a talk show or okay but so let's split that up is that when you feel you're sexiest or most confident or do you feel like those are one in the same because that's women are conditioned to believe that their most confident should be when they feel the sexiest there's so many perspectives to take on this but yeah I'm sure that the hair and makeup you do feel sexy because you feel put together you feel presentable some women feel I think I feel sexy when I'm having sex that's what I feel sexy and I'm having sex with somebody that's sexy and I feel like not to put a man's perspective on what you feel but there is a certain confidence I see in you when you're skiing and you're completely covered you can't see any part of your body

but you are on the mountain there is like a confidence that i see in you that you know that you can do anything you're willing to try anything thank you brandon you're welcome that's what i was saying to charlotte i feel like there's a skill or a talent or there's there's so many other ways to feel sexy feel sexy feel confident feel like you have something of value or worth well i think competence is has a lot to do with confidence you know for women it's like when we feel competent in an area we feel very confident in that area whereas men feel competent and confident when they shouldn't most of the time yeah so i think women it's a game because or it's not a game it's almost like there's been this number done on all women you know believing that

we have to like live up to these expectations and i'm just as guilty as the next girl for buying into all that shit so we do care a lot about the way we look i mean when i see you stressing out about your looks it's funny to me or like you know your diet or whatever I'm like oh my god I can't believe that but gay men are just like women like with in terms of their vanity I've been sitting here the entire time we have been recording some of these to see what it might look like for video and there were single frames of each of us and there was a shot of me and the camera is crystal clear and I hated that it's all I've been thinking about what about what yeah right oh yeah like it stresses me out just thinking about like I don't want that single shot going anywhere like I looked

like shit yeah well so did i so we're even so we're both can well so now we know we're gonna lose those so now we'll do a double shot this is our double shot we'd only like polaroids being taken from now on because everyone looks good in a polaroid i like to look blown out is what i like to look and not blown out like some of these women with the filters where it's like where do your eyes begin and your cheeks end none of it makes sense you're just a potato that's who we should have call in a potato your little potato your nephew oh potato potato's not gonna be a little potato anymore he's not gonna sit in my lap next summer i bet it seems like he is uh he's a sprouting potato yeah he's gonna be a he's gonna be an adolescent potato soon and then it's gonna be

no more funny stuff how old is he 12 potato 13 oh he's gonna be 13 this summer it's over goodbye potato and for those of you who don't know potato that's my nephew who i just got a very troubling picture from my sister or my brother because it's his son where he looks like he's about fucking 25 and he was 11 last year and a baby and still sat on top of me they hit an age where they will no longer sit with you in that way and I missed it it happened during COVID and I missed it so that was my last baby we have one other baby in the family Russell but he never sits with me so it's just like burt and bernice all over again all right well we've gotten into quite a bit today so why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right back okay sounds good

behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming.

They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture

conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility.

Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements.

We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, aka the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman. Not that great.

Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head? How about we flip the script? What if the surprise woman, who actually you think is the straight man, is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott. This entire time, you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show. I would never expect. Let go of that.

i have i would never set expectations for something like that if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like they're like oh it's so stupid everyone's so dumb except for you fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told

us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode but he's just so busy Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, Sarah from West Virginia, age 34. She is an environmental biologist. She writes, Dear Chelsea, what advice do you have for people with social anxiety, where you struggle with going out in public places, having to be a leader role at work, or working with people you don't know well?

Or even in the case of healthy living with having social anxiety to go run or bike in public, or even the gym. Sincerely, the anxiety chick who had anxiety readiness. I know that feeling. You know who else has this feeling? Kim Basinger. She has terrible social anxiety. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she does. She has a phobia of groups. You know, there's something called propranolol that's a beta blocker. You have to get a prescription from your doctor, but you should talk to your doctor about propranolol or any other beta blocker because that will be the first step to you to kind of ease your nervousness. And it will just kind of like it it just does something to your brain where it kind of blocks off the neural

pathways that send a message to your brain that you are going to be nervous it stops that however your nervousness could present like if you get dry mouth or you have shaky leg or whatever there are multiple ways you should talk to your doctor about a beta blocker because that helps so many people sarah's on the phone did you realize oh sorry oh hi sometimes sometimes sweetheart forgets I forget sometimes people are calling in. I was just enjoying listening. It was just listening. What state are you in, Sarah?

West Virginia. Oh, so you guys don't have legalized cannabis there. We do not. Okay. So do you have a local GP that you can talk to about a beta blocker? I do, but I do take maybe a beta blocker. I take Zoloft. Well, that's for anxiety or that's for depression, right?

And I also take Welbutrin for that. So it's a mix. So Zoloft and Wellbutrin, though, are for depression, both of them. So it is worth talking to your doctor about him prescribing you a beta blocker because I have heard some people have had not great side effects, like it kind of turns them into a zombie, blah, blah, blah. For me, it's exactly what I needed. I had a shaky legs syndrome period, which was very weird and unsettling since I stand up for a fucking living. So I take propranolol before I go on stage. I take a half of one.

I don't really need to take it, but I take it because it's an insurance policy for me that I'm not going to get. You know what it also helps me with? Not talking so fast because that is a big problem of mine is talking where I'm winded and I have to slow it down. And I'm sure it's also very frustrating for the people that listen to this podcast when I talk fast. So my apologies. I am working on it. And please remember that we're not fucking doctors. I know I sound like one because I have a lot of medical experience in my own experience. And of course, I'm illegally prescribing things to my friends and family. But you cannot listen to me and then say, Chelsea said this was a great idea. You kind of have to talk to someone else in between that.

So you know what I mean? You can't you can't listen to me and go, I said, because there are people that will do that. And I'm telling you not to. So if you're listening to this podcast, you must like me. Right. And want to listen to me. I mean, you know, you don't have to listen to me, but seriously, listen to me. For instance, I had very bad anxiety and I took one propranolol before I publicly spoke for like a week.

Then I took a half. And now every once in a while I take a half if I feel it. So you don't you're not on it for a long period of time, but it's a good transitional prescription, I think. Or something that takes the edge off. Well, you don't want to take the edge off too much, right? Because you want to be there. So you want to kind of be able to conquer your anxiety without relying on too much medication, right? And it's not something that you feel in the way like having a cocktail or like an edible or cannabis where you can feel it take the edge off. When you take it, I've taken one before. I gave my partner one.

He took it before officiating my sister's wedding. So it really just kind of puts you in a state where you don't even realize there's been a change. But your heart rate's lower. You just feel a little bit easier in the situation. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think what what I would say to you is to try that for a while and then you can all of a sudden just start parsing it in half. It's just about training your brain not to have that anxiety inducement. So like how does your anxiety present when you are anxious and you go

to like a social gathering? My heart feels like it's going to be out of my chest. A lot of times if I even go, that's the part right there. Usually I just don't even go. I try to think of any excuse really like oh my cat is sick or you know I just try to think of excuses if I could even go but a lot of time it's sweating voice cracking dread of like oh man what if I say something wrong or bad or embarrassing yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so this is definitely going to help you so you do have a GP right that you can talk to about this I do okay okay great and what other tools do you have in your arsenal to combat anxiety I try to have a lot of hobbies that seems to kind of help because it helps with like fidgeting or something.

So if you're waiting in a waiting room, I'm just like, you know, I'll just go and fidget with something or I'll do a puzzle, you know, just like little brain game type things. It just keeps my mind busy. But really that's my main outlet. And do you meditate or anything like that?

I do not. Oh, well, there you go. That's another thing you can do that's going to help you right away. If you start, like go on to Headspace or go on to Calm, whosoever voice you like better, or go on to like Deepak Chopra,

one of these apps. It sounds annoying, but it helps calm your brain down. So meditation as an elixir to anxiety works for sure. First of all, you should get into the practice of meditating because no one's ever started meditating and then said, that sucked. I'm worse. No one says that. So if you can get into the habit, just try five minutes, three minutes, little times every morning. Just get into the habit of meditation. It doesn't matter how long you do it for. And then use it because there are specific ones on all of these apps if it's for anxiety if it's for going into a social environment if it's for and you use that

just to calm your breath down before you're entering one of these things that makes you nervous to literally just take the time of breathing in and breathing out for three to five minutes on one of these apps and that will help you immensely meditation is just that's exactly what it's for is people with anxiety it sounds great too because it's more natural so you don't have to worry about relying on anything other than just like your inner self really so that would be probably the best starter for me right now too that sounds great yeah and do you sleep well i actually do sleep well until there's like a big event coming up then i just think about all the things that will go wrong and then i won't sleep well yeah i'll have dreams

about it things like that what do you do for work sarah so i am an environmental consultant or a biologist which means i go and catch you know endangered species and move them out of places so if you wanted to build like a walgreens or something i would be in there and i would go save the tortoise that was there or i would net the bats that were there you have venomous snakes i'll remove your venomous snakes i do things like that so the venomous snakes are on the site that they're going to build the walgreens her mind is only going to the snakes i fucking hate snakes we're in west virginia you know it could happen so you basically go and remove whatever's block i mean you're not going into a walgreens and getting the venomous snake right they don't

sell snakes there do they know it's like pre it's all pre-construction no okay okay yeah so if Because any type of threatened, endangered species, we go pre-wise and I'll like mark all the tortoise burrows. So hopefully no one will scope it and make sure there's nobody home if there is. We try to move it somewhere so it won't be destroyed or find ways that they can go around it. OK, so you know what? Another good thing is because you seem very confident when you're talking about your work. When you're in a situation, a social situation, you should choose the things that you have the most confidence and competency about when you're talking to people. And that way you're not going to say anything stupid.

you're going to be talking about your work which is very interesting how often do we meet a biologist brandon never you're our first yeah well no that's that's really smart i'd never even thought that's thank you and people love animals so you can leverage this one thing that you know so much about who wants to turn down a conversation about fucking animals really nobody someone's got a cat video they want to show you yeah and if they do they're a fucking asshole anyway you don't want to be in that conversation but there is a certain level like i saw that immediately as soon as you started talking about work that your demeanor kind of changed that your voice changed and so I'm sure that you have that inside of you that level of confidence with things outside of maybe

your purview or your interests but also so much of a conversation or an interaction with people is listening most people want to talk about themselves so you can just let that conversation go people won't shut the fuck up so you can just be there and listen nod your head it relieves the pressure from you and one thing that I used to do because I had like group anxiety is I would go and introduce myself to everybody and it gave me like a sense of control where it was like you just made this face it was like oh that's so uncomfortable it was really uncomfortable but when I would go to a party I would kind of retreat and like not talk to anyone or like only talk to who I came with and as soon as I started forcing myself to like introduce myself or compliment someone on

what they were wearing to kind of break that ice I felt like I had more control of myself in that scenario where being in that group setting didn't feel like I was so isolated and alone it's like oh I've already talked to half the people here now I don't feel a pressure yeah I mean I always like to try to challenge myself anyway so well that's good that's what you should do you should go in and so that you're controlling the situation the situation isn't controlling you yeah that's solid advice you're right it's it's nice to hear from a different perspective be like oh yeah it makes perfect sense hearing it yeah and don't sit and hide away from people look how adorable you are. People will need to know you and to meet you. And this is it. Like, yeah, this is our life.

Have fun. And you'd be amazed how easy it is to get over the little things that kind of hold us back for so much. You know, if you just start giving yourself those regular challenges, even more so than you already have been doing, I think you'll see results really quickly and you'll start to notice that you feel more calm in this situation. And you have this meditation. You can use that. And if worst case scenario, like if you want to go to your doctor and get a beta blocker, try that out yeah okay i mean here's a good challenge anyway i mean i'm talking to brandon and chelsea so that's right it's pretty good challenge for the day i think all right well that's the three of us make the a team you me brandon keep us posted sarah thanks sarah

thank you so much you're welcome so much have fun at your next party oh yeah maybe she's going right now who knows yeah bye sarah thank you sweetheart how do you feel about the advice given today I feel like a lot of people are taking this very seriously, including us. And I think that's good. I didn't say taking ourselves very seriously, if you noticed. I said taking this very seriously. So, I mean, you could take or leave our advice, really. It doesn't really matter.

What matters is that we're here and available to give it. I think she may leave the propranolol. But for anyone else listening. But I just think people should. Leverage it. If it's not like Oxy. Yeah. You know, there are things that have been created to really help enhance the way you go through life.

And Perpanol is one of them. It is great. We had to have a difficult conversation one time. Oh, this is right after I painted your deck black. For anyone who doesn't know, I don't know how you wouldn't because she talked about it everywhere. But I made a little whoopsie and we had to have a really tough conversation. He painted my entire deck black, shiny black. So the dogs couldn't even walk on it because their paws would burn.

Yeah, it was shiny. Like a veneer. Like a veneer. Like a 90s porn set. Yeah. It was just not the color that, A, it's too hot to step on, so that's not going to work. B, it was really hard to look at. Yeah, it was an eyesore.

Compared to the rest of my house, which was brown. Well, and beautiful. But anyway, so the point of that was we had to have a tough conversation, and I knew we were going to have to have it, and I knew there were both things that we wanted to say. And I took a propranolol right before that, and we got through that conversation because it wasn't emotive. It was just facts from both of our sides. and that was one of those times I was like,

see, this is exactly why something like this exists because you just need to get through it. Right. Have a great weekend, I guess. Yeah. We're going to go rollerblade? I think so. I think it's time.

If you want any assistance with your partner, your best friend, really anything, you can write in to DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. I survived nine months in captivity and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. Every week I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

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