Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Ready to Rumble with Susie Essman

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Susie Essman joins Chelsea in-studio to talk about how every relationship has a flower and a gardener, why comedians have it tougher than musicians, and her longtime role as Susie Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Then: A co-worker discovers her officemate’s boyfriend is secretly married. And a massage therapist who’s cut everyone out of her life wonders if she is, in fact, the problem.     * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, hi, hi, hi. What's going on? Chelsea, Catherine, Chelsea here. Catherine here.

Hi. It's nice to meet you. Well, hello and goodbye because you're off to Spain. He estado practicando mi español todo por semana. I am in the thick of it. Muy bien, Chelsea. You have been preparing for this for some time. A few months. I feel like I've been pregnant or something. Something like that drastic has happened to me. I'm carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and I'd like to drop it. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm having a very, some of my nieces and nephews have arrived And we've already had some really good laughs, so we're off to a good start.

And my brother is really a lot more fun without his wife. So I'd like to make sure I put that out there on record. I'll bet so. Have you been up the mountain yet on your e-bike? You know I have, sister. You know, that's how I test for COVID. I take a really long bike ride, and then if I feel better, I feel good after, I'm like, all right, I must not be sick.

Exactly. A long bike ride, and then you come back and have a little Aperol Spritz. Surprise, surprise. We ran out of beer on the very first day. with my nephews. So they're clearly going to cost me about $10,000 just with alcohol. I'd rather give that to some charity. You know what I mean? Well, and how long is your drug stash going to last this time? I mean, you got to corrupt your nieces and nephews somehow. Oh, I have a supply for a long time. And I have a drug dealer in Spain, so it's not a problem. And now my Spanish

is so good. I can just get them if I need them. Unas drogas, por favor. Unas drogas? Is that what it is? Well, let's talk about our very exciting guest we have today. Okay. Well, always. It's always an exciting guest. And we always say that because it is exciting because otherwise they wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be talking to people that didn't excite us. Our guest today stars as the inimitable Susie Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Please welcome actress and comedian Susie Essman. I'm sitting with Susie Essman. This is a late stage marriage that you, you got married when you were 53 years old. Yeah, I met him at 48. 48. Okay. I'm 49. I just want to follow this trajectory here's what i'll say now i don't know you well at all barely but i just know from what

i've read you've choose people that i would never go out with like network executives comedians 50 cent rapper here's my theory there's it's not my theory it's like a known thing there's the gardener and there's the flower you're a flower you need a fucking gardener i do need a gardener yeah and these high-powered guys they they want to be flowered all the time like most men they want to deflower they want to deflower and then they want to be the flower exactly but some high powered men are very good at gardening because that's why they're in the position in the first place like if they're an executive they're used to dealing with talent and they know how to deal with like personalities large personalities there's still an ego absolutely absolutely every

person i've dated it was a mistake yeah so now we have to find you like a guy guy okay i want to know about your guy i want to know what you met him when you're 48 break it down what happened Okay, he was the brother of, what, good? It was a mosquito. Was it really a mosquito? No, no. Because they love me, man. They just eat me the fuck up.

What do you think this is on my forehead? Susie's looking at a boulder that just appeared on my forehead. But you know what I've noticed, though? There used to be no mosquitoes in L.A., and now there's mosquitoes in L.A. Yeah, that's right. Global warming. I met him. His gay brother was one of my best friends, so we had references.

You need references. Did you sleep with his gay brother ever? No, no, I'm not attracted to gay men. I like a man who like, you know, wants to be with women. Yeah, you know, you can always tell when a man is not into a woman's body. I know. I know. It's really disappointing. And I can also tell when you know how men are supposed to be like butt men or boob men. Yeah, I'm boobs. I don't have a butt. So when a man is a butt man with me, I'm very confused because I think I'm like giving them this great present. Like, yeah, well, you are looking at gorgeous. They're real. They're natural. They're up. They're ready to

rumble but what's more interesting is that you are now a stepmother yeah I raised the kids for how long did you raise them well I mean they were like when I met them they were 10 12 14 15 you know now they're adults now they're 30 33 35 36 like that now you know I had them for all those good teen years oh yeah I never wanted kids I don't I agree with that I never wanted kids and And I never, you know, I mean, I was, the thing about a relationship when you're a comedian is I think that men are intimidated by funny women. Yes. So you need a really secure guy.

Right. And you need a guy, like my husband, he just loves all the attention I get. Like annoyingly so. That he like brags about me too much. Well, that's adorable. It's very cute. He's very, he's also cute. I'm also, you know, I'm only attracted to good looking guys.

I know, I know. I have a history. My history is all over the shop. But I think that's also a good thing because I'm pretty open-minded. Like I'll try anything for a little bit and then I'm like, oh, no. But also, Chelsea, the paper thing, fuck the paper. What paper? You know, are they good on paper?

That bullshit. Oh, no, I don't pay attention to that. I pay attention to my feelings, my instincts. You have to be attracted in the beginning. Well, you can build attraction to someone. I wasn't attracted to my last long-term boyfriend in the beginning. And over time, we became friends and it just like hit me one day. And that was something that never happened to me

because I believe that too, that you had to be instantly attracted. And I feel like that can develop when you have a very close friendship with someone. Although I prefer to be instantly attracted. Well, but there's gotta be attraction when you sleep with them. Well, when you have sex with them, yes.

But if you're hanging out with someone as a friend, it can develop into romantic feelings without having had slept together. That's probably true. It's never happened to me. Never happened to you. So when you met your husband, you knew he had kids. Your friends, I believe, were a little hesitant to even introduce you to him.

Yeah, his brother was hesitant. But his brother's now husband, then boyfriend, was a casting director. And he said, you're going to like this guy. And I thought, well, he's in casting. He knows how to do that, right? That's a good point. So I listened to him and I made sure to meet him. And then I thought he was so cute.

And then I thought I was just going to have a fling with him. Because he had four kids and he lived upstate. And it was like, you know, he was totally horrible on paper. But I used to have a bit in my act where I would say, but you know, you can't fuck paper. No. So, you know, but so I just thought I was gonna have a fling with him. And then I don't know what happened. I guess I was time it was I was ready for something different. So I raised kids. I know. That's amazing. I know. Teenage. Were they girls and boys? Three girls and a boy. But like now I really like having an adult relationship with them. But the teenage thing and then we had a house in the suburbs and I don't know who I was. But then I was I was still back and forth to LA and doing curb and doing stand up and they gave me all new material.

that was the beauty of it kids are really they give you a lot they do they take a lot of energy and stamina you know when you're on the road like I have a lot of friends kids that I hang out with my ex-boyfriends kids I'm very close with and

when I have them with me traveling you are forced to do way more than you would do on your own and pay more attention and get up out of bed and go see the city toddlers and little kids diapers no no why did you never want to have kids I have never had the inclination I just am too I love my life

and I just always saw myself as like this woman who was never going to be tethered to a man or to a child probably just a direct reaction to my own childhood because there were so many kids in our family six uh-huh and I was like either I'm going to do that or I'm going to do the opposite did you have good parents well I mean they meant well you know they weren't terrible but they weren't ideal yeah well ideal what's ideal exactly there was a lot of love my dad was Jewish my mom was Mormon so there was a lot of nonsense but we had a pretty happy childhood there was a lot of happiness a lot of love in our family we're very close speaking of families though I have to ask you about Bruce Springsteen and your scenes with him because that was so fucking funny with Bruce

on curb. You know, he was amazing. He is amazing. He was amazing. I mean, okay, he does write all his own. Bruce Springsteen we're talking about. Yeah, he does write all his own songs. And he did do a one man show on Broadway. But he's never been in any kind of TV or film ever. He told me he's never done something like this before. And he was incredibly relaxed. You know, as you know, we're all improvisers. No, he couldn't learn dialogue. He just had to sit there and he just picked it up so quickly. And it was, you know, you just never know how somebody who's not a comic is going to improvise and he was great. And you know, he said to me before I, before I left, he said to me, can I take a selfie with you? I was like, no, Bruce, I don't take selfies.

He was so humble. I know he's so, I mean, have you seen him perform? Yes, of course. He's so fucking awesome to watch. I saw him perform for the first time last summer, this past summer in Oslo and then again in Hyde Park like in two weeks apart yeah and I will forever be London yes and I will forever be a Bruce Springsteen fan that guy fucking plays for three hours and sometimes four hours he's 74 years old youngster I know people talking about that who went to went to the Stones last weekend they were saying they were like you know they what are they in their 90s now no they're 80s but they said they were like you know on stage forever and just energy and I can't do that well what is Mick Jagger Mick Jagger is like a live carcass dancing around on the stage

yeah I mean have you ever seen a body that looks that frail that is able to move in such with such velocity dexterity no I haven't and not to mention the abuse of all those years of abuse I know I they say they get drunk I've heard multiple times that they get some sort of blood transfusion going oh yeah yeah all the meds are like the medics are there this is when the Eagles play too. There's always like their team of doctors just in case something, you know, they get like they pass out or whatever. But stand-ups should have that. No kidding. I mean, we need something because we're traveling just as much. What's the longest show you've ever done? Probably like an hour and 40 minutes. That's long. But that's the longest. That's long. The difference

is you're up there all by yourself. I mean, they got musicians and, you know, it's very different being a musician than a comic. But I also, we're not dancing, we're not singing, and we're not. Some comics are dancing and singing. I wish they would. I wish they would stop as well. But dancing, singing, it's definitely easier to do stand-up. I don't think so, Chelsea. Really? I don't think so. I think you're, yes, physically you're up there standing with the mic in your hand. I've never been one of these physical comics. But I just think stand-up is so much

harder than doing music because you got to get that laugh and you're by yourself. When you go to like a cafe or something you see a combo people are talking and they're just singing they're all playing they don't care if that was up on us on say and they're all talking we can't handle that no no you're absolutely right you got to get that left what every 15 20 seconds I was I was on stage the other night at a show and I remember thinking I can't believe I'm supposed to I'm the only one here to entertain exactly like it's completely on my shoulders if this doesn't go well I don't do anymore. You don't? No. You don't do stand-up anymore? No. I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, why? Are you over it? Yeah. Really? It just stopped, you know, a lot of things. I think

that I was too addicted to the killing and I got stale and then I just wasn't that interested. It wasn't that creatively interesting. And it's just, you know, I suffer from stage fright and it was just so hard. And if it wasn't creatively interesting, you know, my manager hates it Because he's like, you can make a lot of money now. I know. I once quit stand-up. And all they did, I mean, I took a break for like six years. And all they did was, my rep's like, you need to go back on tour.

You're leaving money on the table, they say. This is too much money to leave on the table. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, I don't have anything to say. I felt very similar to what you were saying right now. Maybe it'll change. But that's how I feel right now. I think creative stuff comes in bursts.

I think we all have bursts of creativity when we feel really passionate about doing stuff. And then there's a retreat a lot of times. I'm retreated right now. I get it. And I feel sad about it a little bit because there is something so great about it. Well, you're providing joy. Yeah.

And the most nicest way to describe it is you are providing a joy and a reprieve for other people. And I feel like for me, when I went back to stand-up, it was because I felt like I was helping. Do you know what I mean? I used to think, you know, all those nights when you don't want to go on. And I remember standing backstage and I'm just like,

all right, I'm going to go unclog some arteries now. you know that would like get me going but the thought of having not done it for like five six years the thought of getting back how did you get back i did a book i did i wrote like my last book and i did a speaking engagement tour oh yeah where i had different celebrities and authors interview me on stage yeah yeah and while i did and then if you have a podium it's a thing of yes yes and while i did that i just collected the material through the conversation for my stand-up You know what I mean? That's smart.

That's really smart. It was actually really a good way for me to get back in because I also was scared to get back on stage. Of course, if you haven't been on stage for a while, it's scary. I'll do the evening with thing where somebody's in. I like that. Yeah, of course. You know, it takes, the onus is off you.

Exactly. Yeah. I want to go back to Curb because it's my, one of my favorite shows and it's so fucking funny. And I love, I remember auditioning for Larry once when I was like 25 and I was so excited because improv is all I want to do. I love improv. I hate scripts.

I hate, you know, it's so much easier just to fucking, like what you do on the show, which is go off on everyone. You know what a pleasure it is that you don't have to lie in bed the night before and go over your lines and be nervous that you're not going to remember them because I'm horrible about it. And it's not just that you don't have to learn lines. It's that you get to be part of the creative process. I mean, you get to write your own material.

Right. Which is what we do. Exactly. And you've called Larry a genius. Yeah. You think he's a genius? I do. I do because when I read, you know, we have an outline, as you know, there's like a very detailed outline, you know, every paragraph correlates to a scene. And so you know what the scene is about. And when I read the outlines, I can't figure out how he did it. It's transcendent. And I have a comic brain. And I can't figure out how he did it. And it's just, he's a genius at story. He's a genius at story.

He's pretty interesting to talk to. Anytime I see him in public, he's always just very interesting to listen to, you know, to ask questions to. Well, his brain works in a different way. And that's what I think is genius. And you've been on the show for 20 plus years. How long has it been? 24 years.

24 years. 12 seasons. Whoa. Yeah. And you were a day player when you started. Yeah, I was a day player. So when did you start? When did you get a contract?

Season eight. Oh, God. Yeah. At HBO? Yeah. But you know what? I was, I mean, I was guest star. I was like day scale for like the first three seasons.

I made no money on that show for like the very beginning, but they made up for it. It's fine. Oh, they did. Because we can always sue them. No, no, no. It's fine. Jews love to sue.

They've been very good. HBO is a great place. HBO treats their talent really well. And they've treated me in this last incarnation beautifully. I have no complaints about that. And so you guys just must sit on set and laugh your fucking asses off. Yeah, you show up on set and there's all the people that I came up with in standup. I mean, Larry and John Heyman and Carol Leifer and everybody's on

set. I've been working with these people for 24 years or whatever. And we just laugh. And Larry loves to laugh. And whenever he gets yelled at, he just gets the giggles. We just laugh all day. We laugh and we eat. It's the greatest job. And for me, I show up and I tell everybody to go fuck themselves. And then they love me for it. And then they give me money and I go home. And you get to yell at, yes, you get to yell at Jeff Garlin. Yeah. You get to yell at Larry David. It's a pleasure.

It would be a pleasure for me as well. I'm very invidious of your situation. Yeah. That's exactly the kind of gig I would respect. You would love it. No script, outline, improvise, yell at people, and go home. But also, it's like more than just yelling at people. There's story you have to push forward.

And what Larry sets up with Jeff Schaefer, who's the EP who writes all the outlines with Larry, and he directs almost all the episodes it's a true situation comedy in the sense that they set up these situations that like in the beginning of the season i read the outlines and i'm just like i i can't believe what they have me doing this oh i have i have to have vaginal rejuvenation surgery this season it's like the shit that they get they give me the funniest shit to do and i just it's like i can't wait to get to set and and act out these scenarios you know it's like whatever it is you know i guess i'm gonna have to learn sign language yeah i just read the outlines it's like i have a caftan business this season whatever it is it's just

they give me the funniest stuff to do on that note we're gonna take a break and we're gonna be right back to meet with some callers so suzy can dish out what she's so famous for no pressure to be a bitch though suzy behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details

and to check availability bell connection is everything when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place.

Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. This week, we're looking for relationship advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship, want to know how to do better, or need Chelsea to weigh in on whether you're right about something, write in to DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And we're back with Susie Essman. We are back.

Katherine, what do we have going on? Well, we've got some women behaving badly. We've got some men behaving badly. So let's start with a workplace conundrum. Maria says, Dear Chelsea, I work at a small office with six other women. I'm struggling with this one issue that's come to light in the past few months. One of my colleagues, who's single, late 40s, beautiful woman, started dating this guy in his mid-50s who claims to be separated from his wife. The guy lives in a different city, and he and my coworker only see each other every once in a while.

Neither of them are on social media. At first, I was so happy for her. But as time went by, I started noticing that the only time she would see him was when he went to a conference. He would pay for all of her expenses, she'd have the best time, but a few of us in the office started wondering why she was never invited to his city to hang out with him at his place. Well, we know why. We know why. That's when my other colleague asked her what his last name was. I'm not proud to say we looked him up, and it didn't take us more than five minutes to find his adult daughter's Facebook, where she had posted photos of the most recent family cruise, where he seemed pretty cozy with his wife.

We wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe they have an amicable relationship and still vacation together post-separation or maybe it's an open marriage. But if this is the case, then why wouldn't he just disclose this to my colleague? My question is, do I tell my friend? I'm very much struggling to believe that she doesn't know about this because it took me so little time to find the photos online. So I'm not sure I'm ready to tell her and confront the fact that she already knows and just agrees to continue to see him. my gut feeling tells me to leave this alone because it's none of my business but as a feminist i find it very hard to ignore the fact that this man's actions are hurting his wife and honestly my colleague too who clearly doesn't think she deserves an available partner i'm a huge fan

and would love to hear your thoughts on this maria i'll tell you what i think well hold on maria's here hold your horses suzy maria hi the most beautiful sound i ever heard suzy is chomping at the baria where are you there you are hi maria i understand your concerns but kill the messenger i would mind your own business i would tell her yeah you would i would because i just as a woman this is my philosophy i feel like it since women are so fucked and men are always fucking us over if we don't have each other to rely on for the truth and i understand you are gonna it is troubling to be the messenger and she might be pissed at you, but I would want someone to tell me. Yeah. But she doesn't know anything firsthand. She just knows what she found online. Right,

Maria? That's right. Yes. Yeah. So this, so the, the, the girlfriend could find the same information online who goes out with somebody and doesn't Google them. Well, lots of people actually. Well, they're dumb. Yeah. I don't Google people ever because the less I know, the better. Otherwise I'll find some ick to be like, forget it. I don't want to meet you. You You know, if I see a belt or like the wrong shoe, you know, or if I see them walk funny. That's because you're a superficial, Chelsea. Yeah, I mean, it took me all of eight minutes to find this information. That's my point.

If she wanted to know, if she wanted to know, she could find out. If you knew this personally, like you knew the guy and knew the wife, would be different to me. But it's her friend. Like, I think you should tell your friend what you found and let her see it. Like, hey, I just want you to know this is what the situation is. She's probably going to stay in the situation. I mean, but she might not. She might know about it already.

Do you think she might? That's it. That's my like. And then it'd be super awkward for me to be like, I don't know. I'm struggling with telling her and her being like, uh-huh. And I'm like, oh, all right. I guess we think differently about this. You know, can you anonymously tell her?

Oh, there's a thought. I mean, we're a very small office. I mean, yeah. Split her a note. you could get a fake email address and send her the link to his Facebook account or whatever you found from someone else, right? Like from suzyessman at gmail.com. Or can you just like dig around and to figure out if she knows? Yeah.

I mean, if she doesn't know, then she's kind of dumb. You know, I mean, from what you described, the red flags are all there, which is why you and your other co-workers are looking into this, correct that's right that is correct yeah and that's the thing too it's just the last conference they went to there was a dinner and she wasn't invited to the dinner of course she wasn't because she's not the wife you know like yeah yeah yeah how do you not see this you know how old is she she's 49 i think no 48 she's not a kid that's not that's not good either no and you're right maybe she does know like how close of a girlfriend is it is it a really close girlfriend or just or like more of a work colleague friend?

No, she's just my colleague. We don't hang out. Oh, so maybe she's happy just to get laid every now and then and go to different conferences. I still think you should send her an anonymous link. Get a fake email address and send it to her. If she's not a really good friend, I think it's awkward to say something.

I do too. That's why the anonymous thing is better because she does deserve to know the truth, but you don't have to be the one giving it to her. That way you don't have to deal with any of the reverberations of that. True, and I don't want to make it awkward, you know, if she goes on and she knows I know and it's like every day walking into the office it would be I

do wonder if there's some digging around the topic that you can do like where do you see your relationship going do you think you might marry him one day or that sort of thing right or is it just for fun at that age I think it's completely reasonable to say has he been married does he have kids I mean the guy's like what in his 50s yeah he is and she knows he has kids she knows okay he had a wife that he just says he's separated well maybe he is who knows I would go ahead with the anonymous anonymous email I think that's a great idea and I'm going to start giving that advice to more people actually I think that's a really good idea I hadn't thought about that yeah I mean a 49 year old woman you're not dealing with a 22 year old girl you're dealing with a woman that

might be fine with her it might be okay with her that might be all she wants you know it's kind of nice not to have any full commitment to someone who has another family I just think about the wife though like you know it's none of my business but i know that's the thing i feel like all women's business is all of our business i know we don't know the information maybe the wife can't stand him maybe the wife does is fine with having him living with him but doesn't want to have sex with him you know who knows who knows they've been together a long time probably you know the heat doesn't last no the heat does not last and social media lies too right the photos i've seen she like they're like very cozy with each other but social media social media right so well i don't know i

mean that's not a lie necessarily i know if you're hugging someone in a photo i know and your other colleagues like co-workers are on the same page yeah okay well i think you do the anonymous email and then let us know what happens let us know what the fallout is i will for sure use my initials ch okay bye Maria Maria it's a lot of great Maria songs thank you so much bye have a good you stop interrupting the caller Susie I mean sorry Maria oh my god the heat doesn't last what do you do in your relationship to keep the fire burning you just you kind of you make sure that you have sex well also you know I'm post I'm an old lady now I'm post-menopausal that changes things too but you make sure that you make have dates and you make sure to make it happen it's still enjoyable

it's just not like it was you know in the beginning I know that's why I'm I'm always reluctant to spend a long period of time with a man when I'm sexually attracted to him because I know it will wane and I want to keep those juices going yeah so I like three days on and then like two weeks off and then a vacation I think that's good it just in general that keeps the fire burning right because once you're living with someone it's over and but the important thing is to keep the familiarity with to keep the intimacy without being overly familiar you know when you're overly familiar and then you're infantilized you become mommy and daddy and you're on the toilet yeah exactly right now right you know you have to keep a little mystery you

know it's like if i'm not in the mood all right you know i'll take a little gummy and i'll make I'll get in the mood and I'll enjoy myself it's just not the way that it was it's like pizza like you know I think David Tell says that all the time it's like pizza pussy Santa like all of those things are going to be good once you go into it and who would know better than David Tell about relationships take relationship advice from David Tell oh okay what's next Catherine all right well our next question is also a caller and this question comes from Jess. Dear Chelsea, I just moved to Montana from Maryland.

I randomly thought of the idea after Christmas when my dad and I got into a huge argument. I finally decided that I want nothing to do with him or my biological sister. They were some of the last people I cut off from my life in 2023. I'm pretty sure I've cut ties with 10 to 13 people in the last year.

I have trauma from my past, but I'm not sure if that's the reason I've been cutting people off or if I'm just done with the fuckery. I feel like I hit a breaking point where getting close to people is more annoying than not. I've always had a lot of friends since grade school, but now I'm 31 and I feel like I just don't have the space to hold for tediousness. People just don't like an assertive female. I even cut off my therapist after one month because I felt like she was just a yes man.

The thing is, everyone I've cut off are my closest friends, and it feels like I hit a switch and suddenly gave no fucks about maintaining any friendships with them. My question for you is, am I the problem because I've cut so many people off? Or is this just a part of life? Is running away quietly across the country the right solution? Or do I need to find closure with everyone? I've always been the person in my relationships to step forward and ask to have the awkward conversations. But I'm kind of sick of being the bigger person and saying, I understand why you did this

after they explain themselves and say sorry. But having cut so many people off, I have to ask, am I actually the problem? Jess. It's an interesting one. Yeah. Hi, Jess. Hi, how are you? We're good.

Hi, how are you? This is our special guest, Susie, today. Hi, Jess. Hi, Susie. Nice to meet you. How's Montana? Oh, today's like one of the first warm days, so I can't complain. Oh, nice.

My girlfriend's in Montana. She just sent me a video of a rushing river. I was like, oh, she's on the set of Yellowstone. And I was like, oh, this looks like Yellowstone. Oh, nice. Montana's beautiful, minus all the Republicans. Yeah, exactly. So you moved from Maryland.

Okay, so give us some idea. what happened with your sister and your dad? Okay, sister and my dad. So my dad is pretty much a con artist. So like, sometimes he'll get his car stolen, quote, unquote, just to get the insurance money back. He's fallen in stores before. So those are like the bigger deals. And my sister just chooses to ignore it. Some other things that my dad has done, like on a smaller scale would be me coming home. I'm a massage therapist. So coming home from school with all my books and him telling me that I'm not going to make it through school. And then when I bring it up in the future, he's like, I didn't say that. So pretty much like

gaslighting. He was not encouraging, not encouraging whatsoever. So I just didn't invite him to my graduation, you know, things like that. And when I do bring things up to him, he pretends like he never said it. Not only that, I got a call from one of my friends saying that my dad was going around offering to suck a guy's penis at a work where a lot of my friends have worked at, right? So like, I brought it up to his attention. He denies the whole thing. Well, that I understand him denying to his daughter. Do you know that he's gay? Or you? Yeah, yeah, he is gay. Yeah, but his partner passed away after 20 years due to an alcohol addiction. And he's just kind of gone off the rails.

So he's emotionally unstable. Yeah, you should your dad is a hot mess. Yeah, yeah. And my sister's excuse is that he's somewhere on the spectrum. So he doesn't know any better. Well, she might be right about that. But that doesn't matter if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Right. And like, I mean, at 50 years old, you should know better by now. you know well i know a lot of 50 year olds who or 60 or 70 year olds who don't know better but you know i think the cutting off of of the family is a little bit of a different issue than cutting off of the friends yeah talk to us about that like why are you cutting off so many friendships i'm cutting off my friendships and a lot a lot of them are my long-term friendships

because i feel like i'm giving giving giving and then when i pull back i don't get anything in return. Whether it's like materialistic or like emotional support or anything like that. Some of them I'm just like, you're effing stupid. You know, just how old are you? 3131. Okay, so yeah, that kind of and have you made some friends in Montana now? I've been here for about two months. And I've been mingling. I've gone out with a couple of people, but I'm kind of having a problem of trying to figure out what I want to accept as friendships and how much I want to give of myself to other people, you know. You know, I mean, I remember a point in my life where anybody who made me feel icky, I just cut out. Yeah, that's where I am. That wasn't everybody.

You know, you get to a certain point in your life and as you move along and you change and whether it's success or whatever, people start treating you a little bit differently, you know, but if you're cutting off, if it's like across the board, everybody, I think you need to look within a little bit. Yeah. And I've kept like a few close friends, but I have had like a big broad spectrum of friends as well. Everyone always says just knows everyone. And so I've kind of been like that people pleaser of like, what do you need? And I think I've kind of like taken a step back to be like, well, what do I need, you know, and like, why are you guys not giving it to me? And so now I'm getting pissed off that like, they aren't able to give me what I need.

I think that's a very valid kind of place to be. But maybe you're going a little extreme. But maybe you need to maybe she needs to I think it's a question of, you know, when you're 31 years old, you are transitioning into a different decade of your life, and you are becoming more mature, and you're becoming less tolerant. As we all know, as we age, we become less tolerant of the nonsense. Yeah, you don't want to surround yourself with people that don't appreciate you or that are only taking from you But do you like speak with a therapist? Do you have a therapist that you talk to about this? Yeah, that was another thing. I try to talk to two therapists. Oh, yeah, you fired her too, right? Yeah, well finding the right therapist is very difficult. It's very difficult to find the right person. That's true

Yeah, they might not have been the right people. So that's that's you know, not necessarily on you Yeah, but then that's where I am. Like how do you start the therapy session without like spilling everything out? you know, like I've already done with you guys. Like, where do I hold back? Where do I give? Well, that's what therapy is for is to vomit out all of your that's what the person is sitting there to listen to. You tell them everything and then hopefully they can help you digest it and figure out a way forward. I understand what you're saying. There's been a lot of people that I've nixed out of my life. There's a lot of people who've nixed me out of their lives. You know what I mean? Over the course of 40 years, 50 years almost, you know, that's happened a lot. I think

you have to have a degree of self-awareness. And it sounds like you do because you're aware that you're cutting off these relationships. And you're asking the question. Yeah. Exactly. And so from two Jewish women who've spent a lot of time in therapy, these are all good signs. These are signs of life. But I think it's good that you're questioning yourself. I wouldn't beat yourself up, but I would show grace to yourself while also showing it to the new people that you meet in your life. When you're meeting someone or you're forming a friendship with someone. It's not a competition about who's giving more. You know, you're getting a sense of who a person is. And over a period of time is when you really get to know somebody. So I would

be graceful in your new relationships, knowing that you had a pattern of ending a lot of relationships or picking the wrong people to be close to you, right? Like moving into this new, you have a whole new like life now, right? You're in Montana. You just got there. This is exciting. and it's a whole new chance to paint like a great picture for yourself or a life. And I think you should show yourself grace and you should show everyone you meet grace and just be a little bit less, you know, like expectant of what you're getting in return. What your expectations are, you know, what your expectations are in a relationship and maybe you're expecting too much from people. And I also think that there's a big difference between friends and family. You

You know, family, you're stuck. You don't choose them. You're friends, you choose. So, you know, if the family feels toxic to you in some way, I think it's okay to take a break from family. I do too. I really do. It's not easy.

See, I was nervous because Chelsea normally says, like, your family is your family and, like, you have to work towards it. Well, not when your dad's offering his suck dick at a party. Like, no, that's not acceptable behavior. Right, exactly. That is so awful to hear as a child that your father's trying to- It's really inappropriate.

Yeah, to my friends. Okay, so not only that, but then what do I do about my sister? Because now I feel like she kind of holds her children as currency in our relationship. So she doesn't reach out to me whatsoever. She waits until I reach out to her. She'll pay attention to my Instagram

or my Snapchat stories. But other than that, she doesn't like anything. She doesn't ask me how anything is. Sometimes you just need time though, Jess. Sometimes you just need time. You left two months ago. It's not a lot of time. And sometimes these relationships, I mean, I've taken breaks with different members of

my family because I just had to. And sometimes you just need that. How long is a break for you? You don't have to put a time frame on it. I think the most important thing to recognize is what Susie said is totally right. First of all, you're very good. you can tell that you're a mother, Susie. You're very good at, you drew a boundary. You moved to Montana. You got away from your family. Your sister and your nieces and nephews aren't necessarily

the problem that you're expressing that you have with your father. That's a different, you know, I mean, they're there, but I think you give that time and you just stay in communication for the sake of the children, obviously, and your relationship with your sister. And when she comes around, she comes around, but don't punish her. You know what I mean? Like it's nice to just keep any line of communication open. If she's checking your stories, and she's checking your Snapchat, she cares what you're doing. Right? Okay. Yeah, I think so. What do you think she's checking it for? I think she's spiteful. I think she doesn't agree with my lifestyle. And she thinks that I'm very judgmental towards her lifestyle. What's her lifestyle? Um, you know,

feeding the babies candy right when they wake up in the morning and Gerber. That's not your problem, though. That's not your business. Yeah, I can't be judgmental of that because you're not their parent. I also think that you should be careful about being too hard on yourself because what you've done is very brave. You've moved across the country on your own. You've cut ties with people that are hurtful to you. And it's not an easy thing. And I think the fact that you're asking the question, is it me or them, shows that you're evolved enough to ask that question. Thank you. I agree. Like an narcissist, I was told this in therapy when I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist. He said, typically, narcissists aren't looking for feedback.

That's right. That's right. Well, right. That's my question sometimes. Do I have these narcissistic tendencies that make me push people away? Well, you might. This is something that needs to be explored with a good therapist, I think. Yeah. You got to keep trying to find your therapist. But I think asking all these questions is a very strong identifying factor that you are on the right track. You know what I mean? You're not just blowing through people and not thinking twice about it.

You're going, wow, I just lost a lot of friends or I cut off a lot of friends. Maybe I'm the problem, you know? And maybe you are part of the problem. I'm sure you're an element of the problem, but who's to say that it is a problem? Maybe you're just getting rid of the fat in your life. And at 30, you're coming of age in a different way

and you're more discerning about who you're gonna spend your time with and what you're looking for in friendships. And I think that's good. That's not a bad thing. But one thing I would be careful of, because I agree with everything that Chelsea just said, but one thing I would be careful of is expecting too much from people. And it sounds as though, I don't know about your mother, but it sounds as though your father was damaged in a way that could not give you what you need. And maybe you're looking for that in other people, and that's not their job. Yeah, I agree with you 100%. That's not the job of a friend. So you have to be careful of what you expect from other people also.

okay that's good advice yeah thank you for that yeah it's true because you know i've always been mad at my dad for like not being the quote-unquote dad that he should be but i mean if you guys haven't called on he is gay and he had to be a gay parent we caught on when he when you mentioned the dick sucking yeah that was a dead giveaway well who knows you know where's your mom where's your mom? Is she in the picture? She actually ran away from my father when we were toddlers. Yeah. So you have stuff there of abandonment and all this stuff. And you might, I don't know, but you might be expecting too much from your friends. Yeah. Because there's the hole to fill, you know. And the only person who could fill that is you. The only person who can fill your hole is

you that is true this is very true it's an inside job and then when you are full you don't you're not looking for people to show up in the ways that you have been abandoned in the past or let down in the past because that's not anyone's responsibility but your own to kind of fix that so I think you really have to be consistent or determined to find a good therapist and now that everything's on zoom anyway it's not like you have to find someone in Montana you know what I mean you could find someone anywhere in the world or in the country at the very least that you can do you know that you try and get a connection going with and someone you feel safe with and unpack all of this because it's a lot yeah okay that's good advice too just keep it is like shopping yes

it's like shopping just stay at it once you find someone it'll be worth it it's like finding your soulmate look at suzy she waited until she was 48 years old and then she got married to her she got married at 53 you met him at 48 and you got married at 53 for the first time but you know with therapists also I had several therapists that were not the right one until I found the right one and then she saved my life really because she was you know she was the right person so it's important to find the right person and how many sessions do you go with someone before you realize it's not working well you know I mean it depends on how in which way it's not working like there was one who was she was lovely but she was just you know and there was another

who was hostile, who I ended very quickly. So it depends on how it's not working. And then I found, you know, a great woman who saved my life. Yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. I think I just get a little anxious. But just hearing your background, you need to be in therapy because there is early damage there that needs to be looked at. Yeah. And a very common thing. I mean, not only is your dad a disappointment, your mother abandoned you. Yeah. So there's a lot of abandonment going on there so a lot of the things that you might be expecting from your friends is a combo of the abandonment and the you know and the i mean your poor father had to raise you alone you know which many women have to do but that's hard too so he's i'm sure struggling

it doesn't mean you have to hang out with him and you know but you have to understand that he has his own life too and he had to deal with something that wasn't planned and he's gay and he had to deal with that being married you know it's at what age should he come out uh he came out before I was born. And his father forced him to be with my mother who had already had my sister. Yeah. And it gets even messier from there. But like, we don't need to go into that. Yeah. So he's got his own stuff. He's got his own stuff. For sure. One of the things you start to realize as you get older is you start to see your parents

as human beings and not just your parents. And everybody comes by their own shit, honestly, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I know this is I always joke around and say, if we've lived many lifetimes, this is his first. But as far as like my sister and I go, she thinks therapy is a joke. And if I've brought up therapy to her for a couple different reasons, and she gets really offended by it. I've dealt with that with a sibling. Yeah. So how are you to go about like your relationship if they don't think that it could be helped? it's a problem. You're living in two different worlds, really. And you could either just accept it. You're not going to change her. That that is one thing I've learned. Also, you're not going to change anybody. So you could either just accept who she is, and her belief system, or stay away.

Okay. The other thing is, I mean, she had the same mother and father. So she needs therapy also. So you know, right, but she chooses to ignore it. Yeah, I know. But that's a lot of people. That's also not your issue. Your issue, you're focusing, I think one of the problems here, which is very common for all of us, is you're outward focusing on other people and what their shortcomings and their issues are. And really the main issue is you and how you're going to be healthy and how you're going to heal from all of this childhood stuff. Because it's a healing process. And until you get with the right person, that speeds up and expedites everything that you're talking about. I think you should work on your judgment because you seem like you're judging a lot of people

so you got to stop that and that's another thing you're going to learn in therapy that's what I learn I'm super fucking judgmental I am so judgmental if someone doesn't do you know people are sloppy drunk I love alcohol I mean all I do is drink and smoke pot but when somebody is sloppy I have no tolerance for that I'm like no no no no and people are like what are you talking about you're a miss party animal I'm like yeah but I keep my fucking shit together and I need you to keep your shit together so i understand the judgment and that is a work in progress you really have to work on that with your therapist but yeah keep going thank you for calling i think you're adorable and you're brave for like suzy said for moving to montana and this is a new

beginning it was just i want you to think of everything moving forward as a new fresh positive beginning okay i appreciate that and when you catch yourself judging someone just catch yourself And take a step back. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, ladies. I appreciate all of you.

Oh, thank you, honey. Take care. Good luck. Bye-bye. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brother hits that have defined a generation. One incredible celebration. One unforgettable night.

See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burnin' up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club part group chat for thought daughters pop culture obsessives and anyone who thinks pride

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Okay, Susie just expired. It's 3.16. Oh, yeah. We got a lesson to go. I know. We got to get her out because I was late to this episode. So it's all my fault, listeners. But we had such a good time.

I know. We had a great time. And we'll do it again. It's really upsetting that you have to go, but you have to go to the airport. I do. You live here in New York? Yes, but I do have a thing called Zoom. Okay.

Well, no. I'm going to come. We're going to do it in person. We're going to do it again because you were great, by the way. Great fucking therapy. I love giving advice. I love it. And have a safe flight.

All right. Goodbye. Try not to get monkey pox. Oh, God. It's back. I'm wearing a mask. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. Auckland, New Zealand.

Wellington, New Zealand. Melbourne, Australia. Brisbane, Australia. Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first. And then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului, and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls.

On July 27th, I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida. on July 28th. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st. And then Santa Rosa, California for my second show, August 2nd. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the Kings Theater on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from

Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number dear chelsea is edited and engineered by brad dickert executive producer katherine law and be sure to check out our merch at chelsea handler.com i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm obsessed listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i'm hoda kotb host of the podcast joy 101 with hoda kotb you know i'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy like when my friend henry winkler offered advice to

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