Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Taking Your Dog’s Xanax with Connie Britton

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

Chelsea is joined live in Dallas by Connie Britton where they have a hilarious conversation about their friendship, drugs, Connie’s TV Husbands and Chelsea’s trip abroad with her dog, Chunk.Credits:Host: Chelsea HandlerGuests: Dr. Dan Siegel & Brandon MarloExecutive Producer: Conal Byrne Producers: Sophie Lichterman, Jack O’Brien Writers: Jamie Loftus, Anna Hossnieh & Sophie Lichterman  Consulting Producers: Nick Stumpf, Miles Gray, & Anna HossniehThis episode was Engineered, Mixed & Edited by: Danl Goodman Music by: KingsburyOrder: "Life Will Be the Death of Me"Available in stores and online now Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. Abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the Death of Me, a production of iHeartRadio. Thank you, Dallas. That's a very, very warm welcome.

I know it's gonna be one of those nights because it always is in Dallas it's always one of those nights and that's why I always come back here when I go on tour I am I haven't been on tour in a really long time and I didn't feel like standing up while I was doing it so and I didn't want to go on tour until I had something to say. And so this is me with something to say. I wrote a new book. It's called Life Will Be the Death of Me. And I'm going to read the first chapter of the book to set the tone for everybody about where I was in my life when I wrote this. The book is dedicated to my future husband whoever he is if you're here if you're a straight man here tonight by

yourself there are no straight men here by themselves no fucking way and if they are there's 70 the chapters called where have I been all my life I don't remember the actor and I don't remember the movie, but I remember it was 5 o'clock in the afternoon and I had just taken a couple hits off of my vape pen. I needed to load my Pix account, which held pre-released movies that I was expected to screen before a star of one of the movies was a guest on my Netflix talk show. I was sitting on one of my overpriced chaise lounges, the kind that celebrities and Russians purchase for their bedrooms, when I found myself once again unable to

to convert the TV that descends from the ceiling from Apple TV to Pix. Rich people have descending smart televisions. The idea is that they descend silently and gracefully from the ceiling. But because I am nouveau riche rich, mine sounds more like a helicopter's fucking landing. I'd like to blame my inability to change

the mode of my television to Pix on the fact that I was stoned, but that would be a lie. I'd be even less capable if I were sober. I called my assistant, Brandon, at his house to tell him to tell my other assistant, Tanner, who was downstairs in my house, to come upstairs and help me with the television. I hung up the phone.

I looked down at the table and saw the vape pen. How many more hits of marijuana am I going to need to take to get through this movie? I knew things had hit a new low, or high, depending on how you looked at the situation. I picked up the iPad that controls the TV along with everything else in my house from the window shades to the exterior lights

in my backyard to my pulse probably and tried to pretend that I was troubleshooting so that Tanner would think I had at least tried to figure it out on my own as if that had ever happened before. How did I become so useless? And how many assistants did I actually have? The answer is two, Brandon and Tanner.

Brandon is gay and has an incredible attention to detail. Tanner is straight, and before he met me, he thought the Four Seasons was a weather pattern. Before I met Tanner, I thought Venmo was an online liquor store. I didn't want to watch another stupid movie that I didn't care about, and I really didn't want to interview another action star

bloviating about his motivation for playing a half-man, half-mermaid. I didn't care, and I wasn't doing anyone any favors by pretending that I did. Did I ever care? The answer is yes. There was a time when all of this mattered to me. There was a time when being famous and having this kind of success and money and having a TV show was what drove me to want more and more and more, and now I found myself exhausted and ashamed by the meaninglessness of it all. I remember coming home a couple of weeks before

the 2016 election on a windy fall night, which for Los Angeles is rare. Anytime there's weather in Los Angeles, even rain, it's exciting. The constant sunshine can start to grate on your nerves. I went up to my bedroom. I opened up my sliding glass doors. I grabbed my vape pen and I turned on some Neil Young and I lay on my bed in the dark watching the wind blow, my bedroom drapes around, hearing the ruffling of the leaves and watching that lanterns that hang from my backyard trees swinging into each other thinking if there's an electrical fire I hope the dogs will at least bark to wake me up. But overall my thought was this is fucking awesome. This is exactly what I

hoped adulthood would be like. No kids, no husband, no responsibilities. Just a TV show on Netflix and whatever else I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it. Not trapped, not stuck, not dependent on a single person but myself. Free to be you and me. I couldn't believe how lucky my life had turned out. How many of my dreams had come true and also my good fortune in being alive during this time in history. The year we were going to elect our first female president. That didn't happen.

I suppose I could blame my state of mind on the election of Donald Trump, so I will. I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities and those disgusting veneers to thank for my midlife crisis. Along with more than half the population of the world, I couldn't grasp how in this day and age we elected a man who insulted everybody he's insulted and done everything he's done since. The contrast in decency between Barack Obama and Donald Trump was too much for me to bear. It was like electing Snooki to the Senate.

Now people were seriously talking about Dwayne the Rock Johnson for president. How on earth did we get there? Although if I'm being honest, at that point I would have taken an actual rock. I kept hearing the word elitists, you know, like that everyone in California and New York lives in a bubble, that the election of this lunatic was a result of all of us not knowing anything about the rest of the country. And that didn't ring true for me because I had traveled all over the country doing stand-up for so many years.

I'd been to every major city and some minor cities multiple times. I wasn't an elitist. My father was a used car dealer. I didn't have a trust fund or wealthy parents. We weren't even allowed to answer the phone growing up because more often than not, it would be a bill collector. I had $400 when I drove across the country alone to move to Los Angeles and then was broke for seven years living paycheck to paycheck while simultaneously getting fired from every

waitressing job I ever had. I worked for everything I ever have and never even went to college. How could I be an elitist without ever going to college? And then, oh, wait a minute, I remember, I grew up wanting to get as far away from my life and my parents as possible. I had created a life in which there was a zero tolerance policy for any discomfort. I could handle physical discomfort like dental work or elective surgery to make my thighs smaller, but not any discomfort related to not having money.

Sure, I was just scraping by on those cross-country trips in the beginning of my stand-up career, barely making enough money from small comedy clubs to cover my hotel room for the week. But after a few years, I was making more money, and then the clubs turned into theaters, and then arenas and then private planes and chauffeured cars and sometimes I'd be in a city for less than 24 hours and then on to the next city. So here I was again not taking into account the optics or for that matter the reality of my own entitlement. I had become exactly what I'd always wanted to be, an elitist. I did live in a bubble inside a bigger bubble which was inside an even bigger bubble. That's three bubbles, two assistants, two cleaning ladies who are basically

more like my nannies a driver a pool guy a landscaper a florist because i need flowers all the time a house man what's a house man you ask someone who walks the dog and polishes the outdoor furniture and oh who's somebody who cleans up the dog shit because can't do that either basically he's an outdoor butler when was the last time i cleaned up dog shit probably the last time I flew coach. I hated having these thoughts. I hated it because in the process something clicked for me and I realized that I'd made a career of over-hydrating people with honesty, yet I was being dishonest with myself. And now that I was aware of this situation, I would have to do something about it because I couldn't just carry on the way I'd been

carrying on, just coasting and cashing checks for essentially being a loud mouth. So I took another hit of my vape. What I really wanted to do was watch the news, even though the news was giving me diarrhea. The whole administration was giving me diarrhea. And probably herpes, too, for all I know. My outrage was high. I'd spent the year after the election being sucked into the vortex of news cycles that accompanied Donald Trump's ascendancy and my subsequent mental hernia. The news was like a high-speed merry-go-round that never slowed down long enough to figure out when it was safe to hop on or off. So like everything else in my life thus far, I hopped on and I stayed on. I had spent the better part of my day in a wormhole, googling pictures of young

Robert Mueller. Because I was developing strong sexual feelings toward him, as well as his investigation and an interesting plot twist it turns out Bob Mueller is even hotter in his early 70s than he was when he was in the Marines I was more attracted to present-day Bob Mueller than I would have had I been alive during NOM the guy fucking kills me I mean who is hotter than Bob Mueller Daniel Day-Lewis playing Bob Mueller maybe I mean potentially but he's gonna have to to stop with his shoe cobbling to film another movie. Daniel Day-Lewis and his shoe cobbling. It's like, no one's talking about your shoes, buddy, okay?

Just fucking act. Bob Mueller was the only hope I had that Donald Trump and that terrible vampire family he spawned would end up in prison. The investigation into Donald Trump his conspiring with Russia and all the other crimes I'm sure he'll be indicted for, made me realize what real men look like. They look like Bob Mueller, a 74-year-old with a six-pack,

possibly an eight-pack, underneath his shirt when he walks. You can see it. He's ripped. Keeping your shit together is what that's called, everybody. A prosecutor, a Marine, and the director of the FBI. How on earth is any woman worth her salt meant to control herself around him and not sit directly on his face? Very few seven-year-old men have a head of hair like that and if anyone knows their way around 70 year old men It's me. They're my core demographic The thickness the salt and pepper it's one thing after another with that patriot

My best friend Mary and I have spent many a night deliberating about what he drinks when he gets home after a long day. Was it a scotch on the rocks or a scotch neat? One ice cube, Mary would say, and it would be a Macallan. People who use one ice cube usually annoy me, but this was different. I knew that Bob Mueller knew better than I did, and if he wanted to use one ice cube, and he was trying to accomplish something different with his libation.

I would be willing to switch over to scotch or whiskey or even use one ice cube for the rest of my life if the reward meant seeing Donald Trump dragged out of the White House topless, handcuffed. While his hairpiece detached from the tape on his head and then flew around like a cyclone landing in the Rose Garden. I'm not embarrassed by my feelings about Robert Mueller or for Robert Mueller.

I'm surprised, maybe. But I'm not embarrassed. I am legitimately attracted to him and everything he stands for. I respect the shit out of him. And I suspect there will be a lot of people naming their baby boys Bob after this whole shit show is over. Who would have thought Bob would finally take off? imagining bob bobby sitting in his boxers and a little boy's hayne undershirt with short sleeves while drinking a mccallan on the rock probably in a leather club chair

made me feel like bob muller and i had a lot more in common than anyone would have guessed even me i imagined us playing clue together deep in the cat skills learning entirely new strategies to a game I thought I had already intellectually mastered I understand Bob Mueller is married and unavailable so I would like to go on the record and say I respect that while also remaining deeply attracted to him it wouldn't matter if he was interested in me or not

I don't need people to like me in order for me to like them that's a new thing I'm toying with and I like it, it's fun through the months of thick fog and despair after the election he was the one bright spot he also represented a seminal moment for me personally i had finally found the first republican i could see myself being penetrated by back to my midlife crisis there's a line i'd written down from victor frankel's memoir surviving the it's about surviving the holocaust it's called man's search for meeting It was a line that stopped me cold when I read it.

It said, it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. I had never thought about what life expected from me. I had only thought about what I expected from life. That was a book putter-downer. It was a look up at the sky and wonder, where the fuck have I been all my life moment? How lost was I if that question had never occurred to me

and it hadn't ever occurred to me? I had to read it to think it. What a fucking dummy I was, rewarding myself over and over again with homes and cars and vacations and gross extravagance. I justified all of it because I worked for everything I had. I came from nothing, I told myself. For years, that was my story. Work hard, fight hard, don't give up.

You can do anything. You deserve this. The idea that I came from nothing is a joke. My parents were disappointing, like, with their personalities, but... I always felt loved by lots of people I never went hungry I never struggled I was white pretty Jewish and had a ton of misplaced self-confidence so life got easier the more focused I became I got to Hollywood I was rewarded for all of that behavior my life was a bubble that's exactly what it had become a big vapid bubble And what were my ties to being famous?

What were my ties to being a celebrity? Wealth and fame existed as a couple in my mind. They went together. Did that mean I could still have one without the other? And if so, which one would I choose? And is this my whole identity? Is this my whole life? It can't be.

Do I get to fall in love again with a man? No, a man can't help you with this. You got yourself here. So the question is, what are you going to do with yourself now? What is my enough? I never had to care about the state of the world before. or the world was a vague thought and a whimsical fancy. That was for the adults.

I thought that by traveling to so many different countries, I was doing my due diligence, that by edifying myself with other cultures and sharing my experiences on camera on my show, I was somehow making a worthy contribution to society. America wasn't a problem. There was no problem. We had elected a black president, and we were about to elect a woman. Racism and feminism were fights.

Again, it didn't happen, sweeties. Whoo! Maybe we're not talking about the same thing. Racism and feminism were fights we had already won. America was being handled by people smarter and more skilled in politics, and they took care of this stuff so that people like me could live the American dream and remain blissfully ill-informed. I had spent my adulthood on a cigarette boat going 100 miles per hour, and now I felt like

I had somehow become marooned on one of those terrible, all-inclusive Carnival cruise ships. Time speeds up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that there is a mathematical reason for this. As you age, each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you have already lived. I'm 42 as I write this. So one year now represents a small percentage of my 42 years, about 2.38%. But when I was eight, one year was a really long time. It was an eighth of my life.

And this is why summer lasted for about four years when you were a kid. And this may be why I now feel an urgency to know more, to do more, and to be more. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe life is too short. I believe life is too long. It's exhausting. I don't fear dying. I want people to know that if I die early, it's not some tragedy.

If I die tonight, it's not. I'd be relieved. I'm wiped out. And I've had a great adventure. I have $250,000 set aside for my funeral because I want everyone to have one big fucking party in my honor. I want to have a great funeral filled with dancing and little people and mushrooms

and then little people on mushrooms. I want it to be a celebration for all the people who love me and for all the people who are happy to see me go. but in the meantime between now and then this is my attempt at taking stock of how I got here where I've been and where exactly it is that I'm going what exactly is it that I might bring to the table to answer the question that Viktor Frankl forced me to ask myself do I have the conviction to examine myself unflinchingly to reveal the good the bad the ugly the beautiful the answer is yes I have a lot to be embarrassed about and I intend to advertise it

I'm sick of my voice of my ambition of my entitlement I'm sick of not knowing more and I'm embarrassed it took me this long to figure it out life has been too easy I've gotten almost everything I've ever wanted and I'm 42 something smells fishy after all is said and done I'd like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over Bob Muller's grave or inside it, or his inside mine, or inside of me,

or in one of Daniel Day-Lewis' clogs. Thank you. Thanks, guys! Okay, we're going to take a quick break, and we'll be right back. behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers

get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table.

It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages.

I'm going to bring out somebody that you're all going to love very much. And she's a very good friend of mine, and she was nice enough to fly out here to interview me for tonight. and you might know her please welcome Connie Britton Wait, where do you want to go? Okay. Hi. Hi, Dallas.

Yeah. Good. Good. Let's tell everybody how we met. Okay. Was it on my TV show? We met, no, you thought we met on your TV show. We did not meet on your TV show.

We met in an airport. You accosted me. You were dating Ted Harbert. Remember Ted Harbert from previous books? That was one of my first older boyfriends. That was when 20 years between my age and their age was acceptable. Right. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I'd date 50-year-olds.

Now that I'm 44, I'm not dating a fucking 64-year-old. Do you know what I mean? so the margin has to like shrink so I mean I'm open minded and that's why I'm single so yes it's working out great for you it's working wonderfully

no but you were a fan of Friday Night Lights I know I'm so happy to be back in Texas I love y'all and you accosted me in the airport and somehow

we ended up with each other's numbers and I don't know if you remember this and I want to just start by saying I'm so fucking proud of you. This book is number one on like two different New York Times bestseller lists. I'm so proud of you because this book is like nothing else you've ever done.

It's nothing else you've ever written and it is a reflection of who you've become and I say that because we're talking about when we met because when we met Chelsea's like bless your heart I was out of control and then we like texted each other and then you invited me to some birthday party that you had

you were having on some island in like a club where it's like going to be a club like 24 hours a day and I was in the middle of working on something I don't know what and I couldn't go and you were so mad at me. Was I? So mad at me I used to be really pissed all the time

She was so pissed. She was so pissed. 24-7 anger, anger, like just fucking agitation. Yeah, but also, also like somehow that I couldn't go, it was like I was abandoning her. You don't do that anymore. No, no. Now you're so healthy. I'm a lot healthier than I was.

Yeah. But you don't realize when you're in those states, when you're just kind of going and you're just like, you know, my, my career, when it started in, in this town, you just go a million miles per hour, you know, you never can take a break either. And it becomes an addiction. and then all of a sudden you're just out of, you're not even paying attention to what's happening and your life just kind of passes you by.

So it was good to have a wake-up call because when I hear stories like this, I cringe. I'm like, oh God, I was so fucking annoying. No, but you weren't. You were still, you always have had this heart, but now you're letting us really see it and you're letting yourself really see it and I'm really proud of you.

And I'd like to thank Dan for that. Dan's my psychiatrist. it I I have I have uh really irrational feelings for Dan I really want Dan badly like you want Robert Mueller I want Dan yeah I get it I get it comparable Dan was the first psychiatrist that I ever went to that I wasn't attracted to and that's why I stuck with it because I knew that if it wasn't if it's a sexual thing you're with girls we're so screwed up you know you a dentist can be borderline good looking and all of a sudden you're like oh you know just because he has some control over you you ever like anybody anytime i've been put under by an

anesthesiologist you're just like oh my god like you're immediately attracted to them just because they're like they have your life in your hands you know in their hands i know that's So sexy. So, yeah. I love being drugged. What? What are we... What's happening?

Connie doesn't like drugs, just so you know. Yeah. I gave her a hit of weed. I'm into cannabis now. Yeah, she's into cannabis now. It's not legal here, right? Okay. It will be.

It will be at some point. Yeah, it will be. It's going to be legal everywhere. But I'm coming out with my own cannabis line At the end of the summer Because it's helped me It's helped me so much Especially with just relaxing, calming, slowing down

Cannabis was my gateway drug to meditation And all that shit Because that's how that goes You always start with drugs before you meditate Healthy First I have to calm down for long enough to meditate So yeah, I need some weed We went over

We were over at our friend Charlize Theron's house One night And so we're there And I had my weed pen A sample of my weed pen I said Connie here try it And she's like oh I never really smoke I was like then don't

I don't want the drama You know what I mean If you're gonna Like I was like then please Wait also it was a dinner party Where all these people were supposed to show up And like we were the only two people who came

so it ended up being and it was like this beautiful dinner party for like three three women three of us two of whom were real stoned I was stoned but I'm always a little bit stoned so you were stoned and then we moved to the living room and some other people came over so it was Rita Ora the musician and Cara Delevingne came over so she's on the couch lying behind me and I'm talking chit-chatting and I don't even notice and I just went to go sit back I'm like who's that They're like, Connie, she's been sleeping for like two hours. And then three weeks later, I get a text from Cara Delevingne saying, hey, I'm having a party at my house, a housewarming or whatever.

I think it was her birthday. I thought it was too. I got there. It was a housewarming party. I'm like, why the fuck did I go to this? I was like, I thought this was an important night. I mean, so she said, hey, I'm having a housewarming party. Will you invite Connie and Charlize?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, I will. And then I invited you, and you're like, oh, that's so sweet. I don't even know Cara Delevingne. And I was like, well, she met you the other night while you were asleep on the couch. And I must have made a great impression because she invited me to her not-birthday party. So whatever, I'm a great sleeper.

If you can make a good impression while you're sleeping, I think that's solid. Yeah, I feel pretty good about it. You used to be more of a sleeper, too. That was another thing. Two years ago at your birthday party, you basically announced to everybody who was still at your birthday party, okay, guys, I'm going to bed.

You know what? It was as awkward as that sounds. Like, it was not any less awkward than that. It was literally like I looked at Brandon, I'm like, okay, should we go? We're going to go. I'm going to go. Yeah, I like to do a French exit, but it's hard to do that at your own house.

yeah you know what i mean it's hard to just yeah anyway anyway so but now here you are you're in texas i'm in texas which the other thing the other thing about chelsea is she's had a crush on well you've had a crush on a couple of my tv husbands the reason i'm friends with connie is because she works with men that i would like to get penetrated by kyle chandler obviously is ridiculous and obviously i had a huge crush on him and then he did the other show after you and then i was like oh my god like i have a real obsession with him so i had to stop watching him because it was unhealthy because he's married and doesn't want anything to do with me i've tried to get him on my show to interview

me i mean to interview him on my old show and connie would try and be our liaison but then And he's like, no, not going to do it, no. He's like, no, that's real sweet. She could come. You offered to go meet him in a teepee or something. He said, can she come down and do the interview? Where does he live, in Austin? Yeah.

In Austin. And I was like, yeah, I'll go to Austin. We could do it in the woods. Yeah. And he's like, tell that crazy bitch I don't want her to interview me. And then she works with Eric Bana, and that's another one of mine. Although, did you guys all see Dirty John? How many people?

Although in Dirty John, I wasn't as into him as I've been into other budgets. Yeah, well, it's hard to get into a sociopath. Yeah. Well, you did. Good job. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm an actress. It's called acting.

Yes, yes. Okay, well, this sounds like a good time to take a break. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month.

Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable

I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club,

part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages Tell the story about Chunk on the plane Oh, well, Chunk Chunk was my old dog Yeah, Chunk was, he was such a stud Y'all are going to cry in the book too, by the way Just saying He, Chunk was great

Chunk was like my family dog He was my first dog, he made me a mother And I wasn't a great mother Which is why I'm glad I didn't ever have children because that would be a disaster. And so I think I also am like, people should thank me for that too. I don't get enough recognition, I feel like.

Not contributing to putting out another one of me I think is a responsible decision-making. But Chunk and I, I was a really good mom until I took Chunk to Mallorca. I brought him to Spain because I thought he deserved a trip overseas. And before, I had never taken him on an international flight, so it was like 12 or 14 hours totally

with a layover in Germany and we were going to see my family and my family and I, we all get along but we're a little bit like, my brother's married to this Russian and she's kind of a buzzkill and she's very Russian you know, like she's very overprotective she's superstitious

she thinks everyone who's gay has been molested it's like, it's hard to deal with her you know, she's always like Chelsea, when do you get the boyfriends? and I'm like, have you been listening to anything I've ever said? That is not going to complete me. And so she has three boys with my brother,

and they're all horrified by her as well, because she's... She's one of those women who's like a mosquito, you know? Like, they get out of the pool, and then she makes them put on dry pool clothes. And then when they get back in the pool, they have to put the wet ones back on. And I'm like, just skip the pool. Skip it.

It's a nightmare for all of us to watch this. i mean she and she's so materialistic like she's always about my money and the things and where my oh this is a nice house you rented you thinking about buying it it's like no no one's talking about that and and you know she thinks the only key to happiness is to be married to have children she still thinks there's a chance i'm gonna have a child i'm like i'm 44 it's a wrap she tells you are very fertile i can tell i'm like but so i was going on vacation with them and on the on the flight out chunk and i flew iberian air or something and i got the sleeping pills for him because i had never taken him on a flight and

i wanted to make sure he didn't pee or anything so i was like okay i'll probably knock him out and then in some like twist of fate i just said no i'm not going to do that i don't want to give him a sleeping pill he's never taken one it was the most responsible parenting i'd ever very impressive for me to take an overnight inspiring i wrote it down thank you you're welcome for me to take an overnight flight without taking a sleeping pill that's saying I love you you know what I mean like I had never done that I'd never taken a flight without taking a sleeping pill that was that long but I stayed up with him and whatever so I got there and I was like you guys I did it I nailed it like I'm a number one parent and then halfway through the trip my

brothers and sisters are all there I was really annoyed with my Russian sister-in-law we were on a sailboat and I was taking the boys into these coves to swim and these caves that were underwater and she was just like, you can't go with Chelsea, it's not safe. And finally, I just swam home like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. I was like, literally, we were on a boat sailing in beautiful Mariana.

I was like, I'm just going to swim back to the house. She is so fucking annoying. And you know what's so funny about her? She's so annoying, but she doesn't, even if you tell her she's annoying, she's like, ooh. She doesn't hold a grudge about it. She'll just pick up the conversation where she goes,

yes, anyway, Jesse, that's not nice. What were you saying? And I'm like, huh. So I swam to shore, and my aunt, who's awesome, she's a real bitch, so, like, we have a good rapport, and she doesn't say much. I walked in, I was like, can you believe them? Like, they put so much sunblock on their sons,

like, it was, you couldn't even see them, you know? And I walked in, I go, can you believe fucking Olga? And my brother, Glenn, they bicker about everything, you know? She could see a can open, and it's a thing. You're like, oh, my God, everything's a safety hazard. So I said, I go, can you believe how they act? I mean, what's up with that sunblock on my aunt's? I can't believe she doesn't even put it in their mouths.

I mean, and I looked at Chunk's meds, and what I discovered was that they were doggy Xanax, basically the equivalent to a human Xanax. And I was like, uh, game changer. and I popped one, split it in half because it hits you faster and I was like,

listen, I'm going to go knock myself the fuck out because it was a Thursday, we had until Saturday and I was like, I was at the end of my rope and so I basically slept

for the next two days and I just wake up in the morning, go downstairs, take a half of Xanax, pop it in, go back upstairs. I'm like,

I can't deal with any more Russian accents. Anytime they ask me, I'm like, I just can't. So we get on the plane on the way back from Mallorca and I popped the last Xanax

Chunk had five and I was on my fifth one I popped it and realized I didn't have any for Chunk and I was like oh fuck I can't throw up a Xanax on a plane and I'm like oh god that was so not thinking. I like that that was a thought though I was like what do I do I mean

what do you do if you take something you're not supposed to of course that's the first thought and I go for me anyway and so it isn't I, so I pass out and I wrap Chink's leash around my waist and I'm just hoping he's going to pass out too. And then I was falling asleep and I was like, uh, I had one of these baby sleeping pills

that I brought, but never used. Cause I had, you know, pilfered my own sons. And so I gave him a Sonata, which is like a light four hour sleeping pill. And we both fall asleep. We wake up four hours later the woman is like pulling me by my hair the flight attendant she's like your dog is running around the first class cabin and foaming at the mouth and I am literally like you should have I mean there's dog hair everywhere and I had a leash around the my belly and I was so out of it you know I was trying to I'm like oh Chuck I'm like Chuck and I could hear him he sounded like a werewolf he was like and I was like oh my god this is gonna be a nightmare oh my god oh my god and so I'm running and I get up to go just jump for him to like lurch and the rope burn

around my waist from the leash I was like ah and then I'm like please miss help and the woman's like in her seat she's like I'm not a flight attendant I'm not helping you I don't work here I was like please go get me and she's like I'm not and I was like oh shit I'm on my own on this flight so I get him and he is just and my chunk was cool like he would never be uncool he never even would let himself get an erection in front of me or go to the bathroom he was just a gentleman he would turn around if I saw him go to the bathroom he would turn around and run away I was like that's what I like I like that you know respect and so it was hard to see him in that condition especially knowing that I had done that to him and and then finally then the flight

attendants were, you know, they were like, you're a nightmare. And I was like, listen, can we get us, I'm like, can we get some food? I was like, fuck it. I've just got to give him water. He was so thirsty. You know, the vet said before, you know, if you take your dog on a plane, just remember the pill makes them very thirsty. And I go, yeah, but you just told me I can't give him water for 14 hours. So then he's going to be thirsty and dying for water. And she's like, you have to juice fucking vets they never give you any real information every vet i've ever gone to they're like oh you good yeah you rescue a dog they're like oh it could be four it could be 12 i'm like that's a pretty big margin of error eight years so the vet you know so he did get

thirsty so i finally just gave him water i even tried to give him orange juice anything and I ordered him a steak the flight attendant came over and was like would you like anything for your traveling companion the steak was for him and then he finally calmed down and I was

just so scared that I was going to get off the plane and I was going to be fucking arrested you know by the I don't know some by PETA you know news would have spread I'm like that's the shit I need to deal with Chelsea Handler kills her dog on plane from Mallorca

Well, your book is so much about death that when I read it, I'm like, I don't remember this story. She killed Chunk on a plane? Like, I was sure that that's how it was going to end. I was so relieved that he survived it. He did survive. He wasn't really ever the same after that trip,

but I mean, I do feel badly that I did something to him. It just really knocked him out. And I won't take any more dogs to Mallorca. That is not a smart move. You know what I mean? They can't handle it. It's too long, and it's not fair. But I don't really know what the point of that story is.

Well, I really like, I like your drug stories. You know, your drug stories are always funny to me. Like, I like the one where you, right, they're so funny. Like, I like the one where you, didn't you take, like, a yeast infection, like, suppository orally? Yes. That happened, right? Yes, I was in Whistler, I was in Whistler, Canada, and I thought I had a situation. Yeah.

and I called my doctor and they sent me a pill and I took it orally and then like like a day later I was like I wonder if that was supposed to go in my Pikachu and then I called my doctor I was like hey quick question I was like that pill

that Diflucan or what you know and he goes yeah and I'm like that goes and he's like nothing I'm like where does that go he's like I'm sorry I'm like where does that pill go he's like I don't understand

the question I'm like yeah you do anyway so wait patience and then I want to talk about politics because that's another huge change We can do that right now. Go ahead. Okay, but no. Let's talk about Beto O'Rourke.

Yeah, but let's talk. Yes. I mean, Beto, right here, you're in the seat of it right here. I know, I know. Like, this is Beto. This is pretty exciting for Texas, isn't it? That's how, actually, that's how we became kind of, we became. Well, we, yeah, because we met a while ago, like, in the airport, in Friday Night Lights.

But this was, like, in your old days. And then I remember I didn't go to a birthday party you invited me to, which was on some island. And it was, like, in, like, a club. You were going to be in a club, like, 24 hours a day every day for your birthday. And I was, like, I'm working. I can't go. And you almost didn't forgive me. Yeah.

I would get mad at people. I would get really pissed. She would get really pissed. Like, if you didn't show up, she was, like, you're done. I'm done with you. So, but thankfully, we, you know, time passed and you had your experience. I calmed down. I calmed down.

Yeah, but politics kind of brought us back together again, I think. Yeah, it was nice, because after that election, you became friends with people, not, this is an example of us, but you actually became friends with people that normally you wouldn't talk to. You're like, oh, yeah, we're on the same team here, let's try and figure this out. And I know that you and I both were scrambling about what to do and hysterical, and I didn't realize, I learned about, for me, it was like, I threw myself in, which I know you did too, you just are like, oh my God, what are we going to do, we've got to get the midterms

going, we're going to go in and fix everything, but luckily it was a collective of so many people that went in and actually also i think you realize who i think the way the way we're dealing now with the way the country is i think is very representative of who we are as individuals because in order to change the country you have to invest yourself you have to invest yourself financially you have to invest yourself with your time you have to invest yourself with your passion you have to invest yourself with the way you talk to people around you with your community with your family and there are some people who are capable and willing to do that and there's some people blue heart and that's an indication of character so i think that that's you know that we're seeing

that a lot amongst ourselves right now too you know and that's how we kind of well you actually kakani was roommates with kirsten gillibrand yes kirsten gillibrand see you're not it's like a smattering a smattering of applause y'all kirsten is amazing we are we are very lucky because we have many truly incredible candidates right now and possible uh possible presidential nominees but Kirsten's amazing y'all there are a lot of good candidates I mean like you I got so burnt out with the midterms that I was like oh my god I don't ever want to deal with

fucking politics again I can't stand this shit but it's necessary you can't just dip in and out you have to kind of harness your outrage and make it something positive and go and do something good so I'm trying to pace myself and not burn out or burn the candle at both ends with this and be active and be

aware of everything that's going on politically so it's it's like a I'm right here, sweetie. You can see me. Open your ojos. Where are you? At the end of those ojos.

What drugs is she taking? Who knows? People get shit-faced when they come see me. Right? We once did a show, like 10 years ago, we did a show, we were in Long Island, and it was a theater that was in the round, which means you're in the center of a crowd,

so your ass is facing half the people. It's not a great setup, but it's old school. And we were in this theater in Long Island, And after we were done, the security guard, like, walked me off the stage because you're surrounded by people and he was being very protective. And he's like, sorry, there's vomit everywhere. Like, every girl there had thrown up.

He's like, wow, you really attract quite a crowd. He's like, last time I saw this was ZZ Top. I'm like, yeah. I'm sure this theater has seen its share of vomit. Yes, I'm sure it has. But anyway, I'm optimistic about the future because I think we have to be, and we have to live in a state of hopefulness

and I really wanted to get my head on straight and the thing that I learned the most is in order to be of use to anyone really in this world, you have to get your shit together and you have to clean out your own injuries. Amen. Amen, sister.

Amen, sister. Speak it. Also, you're living an honest life. You're living an honest and true life. You are. I'm clean and sober and I'm living an honest life. cheers I didn't say you were living a sober life

but I want to read this last part of the book for you guys before you get going because wow we have these I decide bracelets and these necklaces and t-shirts that say I decide because of something I wrote in the book

hold on let me get rid of my camel toe hold on a second don't let other people decide what kind of mood you're going to be in don't let anyone change your life in one day don't let death take you down and keep you down you go down but get back up if we don't give in to our despair and instead lock it away we fail to properly mourn the people we love how on earth are we honoring the very people we are grieving if we fail to mourn them fully we should be celebrating the people we've lost i missed 30 years of celebrating my brother i decide to grow up i decide to be better i decide to take my life back all of the proceeds for the

t-shirts and the bracelets go to um true colors united which is an organization for lgbtqia youth who are homeless thank you so much for the support i totally appreciate it and thank you to Connie Britton, my very good friend, for being here tonight. Thank you, guys. Okay, Brandon, well, that was a live show. So you now, I just want to make an announcement to everybody that I've had 21 shows and you haven't been to one. And L.A. is the city you dwell in.

And you didn't even come to that show. Brandon had plans the night of my show here in L.A. Yes, but my new plan is to come to one of your other shows. Like, I'd really like to go to New Orleans or St. Louis or maybe Nashville. Well, we need to add, first of all, you're not coming to any of those shows. I added new dates where I'm going to be doing stand-up. So that's Westbury, Long Island I'm coming to, Atlanta. I'm coming home to Montclair, New Jersey, St. Louis, Minneapolis, New Orleans, and Nashville.

So go to LiveNation.com for tickets to a live show where I will be doing stand-up and Brandon will not be. We'll be back next week with my psychiatrist who's going to break down the Enneagram for everybody who's been asking questions about that. Bye-bye. Life Will Be the Death of Me is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed.

Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.