Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - The Fancy Crocs with Luenell

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

The hilarious Luenell joins Chelsea in-studio today to talk about lighting joints at an A-List dinner party, why it’s a family affair to play the Apollo, and the flesh-eating diseases that surely must live in airports. Then: A snooping husband finds something he doesn’t like when he looks through his wife’s phone.  A stay-at-home-mom has never had an orgasm with her husband.  And a girlfriend wants to sleep with her boyfriend… AND their roommate.   *  Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine.

Hi, Chelsea. It's an exciting day. What's today, Tuesday? Today is Tuesday. Today is Tuesday. We're recording for our podcast that airs on Thursday. I just got back from Vegas. I did a big promotional shoot.

I have a big announcement coming at some point. And I had a really fun day. I took Doug to Vegas yesterday. You know how I feel about Vegas. He loves to fly private. He only flies privately because I don't think he's going to get along well on a commercial airline. Which means that's going to be prohibitive to his travel schedule. I'm already trying to think about Mallorca I'm going to Mallorca for the month of June and I'm

like how can I bring Doug and then I thought because I can actually bring him I'd watch once but it's too hot yeah he's very furry he's got a lot of layers and I thought I could shave him but that's oh I don't know that I'd shave I follow the girl with the dogs on YouTube and she is like a dog groomer and she says for some dogs it'll ruin their undercoat it makes them kind of like patchy it's not good for them so I would talk to your groomer because he's so Maybe that's what happened with Burt and Bernice, their personalities. It could be. It was because of their undercoat.

I shaved them too quickly. Yeah. I just wanted to get down to business and see what was underneath their fur. You know what I mean? Because really what I'm after is that body. And they can be, like, spotty, too, chows. Like, we had a chow with a spotted purple and pink tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I don't think Doug is going to go to Mallorca. I just think it's too hot for him. Yeah. Well, I have a quick follow-up from a caller. People, as we know, wrote in to Sarah, whose boyfriend couldn't get it up and had lots of opinions last week. So Sarah responded. She said, thanks so much for following up.

I loved listening to the suggestions from the Dear Chelsea community. His medication was definitely a big factor. That combined with his already shaky self-confidence was a recipe for disaster. But I'm happy to report that after a trip to the doctor, our sex life has really turned around. In fact, I can hardly keep him off me now.

Thanks for the advice, Sarah. So what did they do? Do we know? They went to the doctor, got it figured out. I think they might have switched his medications, but it was exactly what you called last week. Okay, great, great. Yeah. I love it.

I love it. Everyone, now they're getting happy penetration. Very thrilled that Sarah is getting laid. I know. It's good for the soul to have penetration. Truly. I'm going to get some later tonight. Ooh, that's exciting.

I know. Okay, so we have a special guest on today. She actually is in Vegas all the time, and she flew in special to record this podcast today. She is a comedian. She is ridiculous. and her nails are longer than... Flo-Jo's? Is that a reference people know anymore?

Flo-Jo, yeah. Yeah, I remember. That's when the first nails came on the scene was Flo-Jo, remember? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. Anyway, her nails are as long as Flo-Jo's and she's not running anywhere.

Please welcome Lunel. Oh my God, this is so exciting. This woman is ridiculous and she makes me laugh so hard, not only because of her outfits and her nails that I don't even know how she wipes with them, but her stand-up is so fucking funny. She is so fucking funny

And if you're in New York, you can see her at the Apollo Theater. She's going to be performing tomorrow night at the Apollo Theater, April 26th. And she's also going to be at the Netflix's Joke Festival in May in L.A. And she has her first ever special, which was on Netflix, was called Chappelle's Home Team. Linnell's Town Business. What do you have to say for yourself, Chiquita Banana? Hey, I'm booked and busy and blessed. I know.

Yeah, your career, your comedy career. Well, I keep trying to hook up with you, but you live in Vegas? I live in Vegas and here. I just, a year ago this month, purchased my first home. It's my first time. You know, everybody doesn't get it when everybody else does. You know, you get it when you're supposed to. So I've been at my residency in Vegas for four years,

living out of the Flamingo Hotel in the Link. But I came upon an opportunity and it has totally upgraded my life. I love living in Las Vegas. I just recently got awarded the key to the strip by the city council people or whatever, and I got a proclamation. Wow.

That March 11th is Lunel Day in Las Vegas. And I work for the great Jimmy Kimmel, you know, at Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club. Yes. Sunday and Monday nights at 9.30. So I'm very booked. Like you were saying that you went on a date. I'm like, damn, how do you do it?

Because I don't really date. I want to, but it's, you know, our schedules change, like, with a phone call, you know, and you can make a plan with a guy, then all of a sudden, listen, I can't do it. I'm going to Europe tomorrow. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is like that. So it's hard for me, lucky you.

I know, I know. Well, sometimes I go through phases where I don't have sex or I don't date people for months because it is kind of hard, especially as a woman, you know. I mean, we kind of talk about this, and it's a little bit of beating a dead horse because it's hard as being a woman who has her shit together men don't think that they need you need them that is what a guy said that they don't they don't think okay first of all we don't need you yeah right so that's actually a good thing it's not a need it is a desire right i don't need you for nothing but i do desire you but also a sex is also not a need it's a desire just to clear it

because i've heard people say sex is a need i'm like no no yeah that's the excuse you'll survive that's the excuse that men make to go fuck around I need it you don't give me enough when we first got married it was hot

and now I don't do it because one of my favorite shows on TV is Cheaters I could watch that shit all day and all night Cheaters and fucking Catfish

I'm down I'm like are you serious I could watch that shit all day when was the last time you did have a relationship have you ever had

a serious relationship I've been married oh okay so I guess that would be considered a serious relationship yes well not all marriages are

well I mean we didn't stay married but How long? Well, we were legally married for, like, maybe 20 years. But we were separated for, like, 18 of those years. And it was just a whole mess. But I still love him.

He's very ill right now. Oh, okay. And so I still love him, but we're divorced. And I go see him and stuff like that. But we had a—it was a whole trip. Okay. And you don't have kids, though, right? I have one daughter.

She's 28. Oh, what's her name? Her name is Danelle. See, I had to get a tattoo. Rhymes with Lanelle. Well, yeah, and her father's name is Dana, so Dana and Linnell, Danelle. Oh, okay. Not Danielle.

I don't like Danielle. Every Danielle I know is a bitch, but this Danelle, that's it. And I had to have it tattooed on my arm because I was so fucking frazzled about having a baby, I didn't even know if I could remember her birthday. So I got it tattooed on my arm. Yeah, yeah. You don't have a great memory. No, I don't, and my daughter will attest to that.

Do you think it has anything to do with all the pot smoking? because I smoke a lot of pot too, but I- Oh, I can remember my material and I remember the plane to get on. That's the most important shit. Do you remember you go on stage stoned, right? Most of the time. Well, you know, the last time I got stoned with you,

yeah, that's good. I usually have a drink. I don't usually get stoned, but this weekend I tried getting stoned before I went on stage. How'd you like that? I loved it. I love drugs.

I love alcohol. I love all of it. The last time I saw you was at Chappelle's- Birthday party. Birthday party in New York City and you had a joint there, which I had to find you because I needed your joint.

I needed a joint. And I was like, where's Linnell? No, listen. Chelsea was coming down the hall. Me and my daughter. Oh, yeah, duh. Right. Me and my daughter were about to go out and smoke a joint.

Chelsea says, where are you going? I said, well, I'm going to go outside and smoke a joint. She said, you don't have to go outside. Now, we've got a fancy, you know, Angela Bassett was there. Gayle King was there. Spike Lee was there. All these fancy schmancy people. Candlelight dressed up.

Chelsea's like, you don't have to go outside. I'm like, white privilege, white privilege. She's like, you don't have to go outside. I'm like, yes, I do. She says, no, you don't. I said, well, you light the motherfucking end. So she did. And we sat in the middle of the fucking fancy dinner party, smoking the joint blow and smoking everybody's face.

Yeah, and then everyone else started lighting up joints, too. So it worked out perfectly. And then I passed out some edibles, too. Oh, yeah, I love joints. Sometimes I have, like, I went to my cousin's wedding over the summer, and I had, like, a whole sheet of microdose LSD. and I just handed them out. But I just said, oh, this is a mint to the people that I knew wouldn't take drugs.

And I know that's roofying, but it was such a microdose that I knew it was going to help everyone have a great time. And my Jewish side of the family is like very conservative and they're not drug users. So I just said, these are mints.

And then everyone had a blast. And I told my cousin's mother after the fact, I was like, did you have an amazing time? She's like, that was the best night of my life. And she still doesn't know why. She thinks it's because her son got married. But I'm like, no, I know why. No, it's the very elites here in L.A. that do the micro-dose LSD shit.

And this other shit that you take when you're with the Indians up in the... Ayahuasca. That shit. I just smoke weed. I smoke weed, drink tequila. So what do you... You smoke your first joint as soon as you wake up? No, I don't wake and bake like that because I can't smoke on an empty stomach.

It makes me crazy, like crazy. I have to have like, you know, some toast and maybe some juice. Really? Yes, before I can smoke. I can't smoke on an empty stomach. It makes me insane. More high than usual? No, more hungry than usual.

Oh, well, duh. I got to eat something first and then I can smoke. Plus, I think that people that wake and bake, I'm like, so you don't want to be sober at all? Like, maybe till noon to see what it's like, take care of your business or anything like that. But then also I get sleepy, but that's why I smoke sativas and not indica. Okay. Indica puts me down. And you don't smoke cigarettes?

No, I detest any tobacco. Oh, good. Good for you. Cigarettes, cigars, all that bullshit, pipes, all that. I don't like tobacco. I don't want to kiss you. I don't want to smell you. I don't want you to leave that smell on my couch.

Nothing. You can't come in my house if you smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are pretty disgusting. And that includes family members of mine. Yeah, I mean, cigarettes are pretty gross. I had a group of friends that came to my house in Mallorca last summer, and they don't really smoke, but they were smoking on this vacation. So, of course, I just do whatever anyone else is doing. If I have a group that exercises, I exercise.

If I have a group that wants to smoke cigarettes, I also smoke cigarettes. But after a week with them, I was like, get the fuck out of my house. I am turning into—my skin was gray by the time they left my house. Lips dry. Yeah, and then the smell, the smell. A smoker who has a non-smoker mate, that's some kind of love that I can't understand. Because I can't, you can't be my mate. We can't get together if you smoke cigarettes.

I think the same thing all the time. How does someone who doesn't smoke be with somebody who does? Can I ask about your sex life with comics? Because you hang out with a lot of comics. You were doing the Chappelle's camp, right? The comedy camp for a while. Have you ever hooked up with any comics? I haven't fucked a comic since like the 80s.

no let me see the last comic i've i had sex with was in 95 that's why i had a baby in 96 so he was a comic yeah my daughter's father's comic that's why we're making it a family trip when i go do the apollo because years ago my baby daddy performed at the apollo back when i think Sinbad was hosting it or something and that was you know 40 years ago or whatever so we're all together my daughter he and I

he have not been in the Apollo since then probably thought he would never go back in there because we live on the west coast and my daughter can now say that both her parents have performed at the Apollo oh wow and that's a lot of pressure for her to fucking perform at the Apollo she's fine she's a dancer

she dances like you know for award shows and stuff She's danced with Lizzo at the Grammys. She's danced with Cora LeRae and been on tour to Amsterdam and shit like that. You know what I saw someone try to wear this weekend? Or no, someone showed me a picture or something because they knew how sick it would make me. They're selling Crocs but in heels now. High-heeled Crocs.

Okay, hold the train. Did you say yes, like you're getting a pair, Catherine? No, like yes, I've seen them and I'm horrified. That would be your rock bottom. That would be it. Okay, can I speak on Crocs for a minute? Yeah, please. Because don't look down.

I'm wearing something. Oh, my God. But, no, let me tell you. You know what? I didn't even get to your feet because your body is so bodacious that I had to focus on that. But let me explain. First of all. No, don't.

I'm going to show the people. I'm going to show you. Is this going to be on YouTube and stuff? I don't know. I don't know what this is. Eventually, yes, it probably will be. Okay, so I'm going to show the people the Crocs, and I'm going to get your reaction about the Crocs. First of all, let me go on record by saying I hate Crocs.

I think they make your feet look like Minnie Mouse feet. You know Minnie Mouse? The feet? Yes. Yes. I think they're for nurses. I actually don't remember Minnie Mouse's feet. They're round.

They're big like this. Like a mouse. And Mickey's feet are big like that, too. Fuck those two mice. Anyway, I'm so sick of those two. I fuck mice in general. But I don't like them. And then I had double knee replacement surgery during the corona.

And a girl reached out to me. I did a lot during the corona. Wait, double knee surgery? Yeah, I had one. And I had another one four months later. It changed my life. I wouldn't be here. For the best.

I would have committed suicide if I didn't get my knee surgery. Oh. It was that bad. Oh, okay. Arthritis, bone on bone type shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's all better. So during the Rona, when I had my surgeries, this girl reached out to me on Instagram.

And she's like, Lunella, I make Crocs. Do you like these? I was like, oh, my God. Those would be the only kind of Crocs I would wear. She sent me two pair. I bought seven more. So these are the Crocs I'm wearing today. i'm more interested in what your foot that you just took out of it because that looks like a

real chicken mcnugget deluxe they're blinged out they are cute i mean that's as cute as it's going to get for it is this is it and i've got like seven pair in there i was like is it gucci are they gucci yeah okay got it oh yeah that's cute no those are cute i mean if you're gonna wear like this and they're good for the airport you can slide in and out and you know by the way you You shouldn't be taking your shoes off on planes. Do you know that? I wear socks, honey. Okay, you're fucking better because that is disgusting and unsanitary.

I don't like it. I wear socks. First of all, I'm not going through the security thing barefoot behind. What happened to the flesh-eating disease? Isn't that still out there? What if you stand behind somebody like that and now your feet are falling off? One of my friends, we were going through the airport a couple days ago, and she laughed at me when I put on socks with my sandals before going through the thing.

And then when she got up there, she's like, oh, no, now I'm barefoot. I was like, who's laughing now? Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. I'm not walking behind barefoot randos. My friend Kelly in Africa, she has like she doesn't like her feet to touch anything public, like any public facing situation. So we were in Africa and we're taking these like little going to these tiny little airports and bopping around. And they were like, OK, she basically worked it out with our safari guy that she had a medical emergency.

so she wasn't allowed to take her shoes off because of her phobia of touching any dirt. So she was allowed to wear her shoes through all the, like, you know, scanners and stuff. Very lucky. And I was like, what condition would that be? That you're not, that you can't take... Because that ain't going to fly in Dubai, honey.

You can't have your feet out. You're going to have to take them off and your shoes off, period. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I just don't like walking behind people like that. No, I was on a plane yesterday and the woman, there was a six-month-old baby in its own seat next to me by itself.

and the mother was in the row in front of her. What? Wait a minute, what? The baby is like six months old. It's strapped into the seat. I got there. Yes. And I was like, I'm sorry,

am I supposed to take care of this baby? Like whose baby is this? And then the woman, she was sitting in front of me and I said, excuse me, is this your baby? And she's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go,

are you allowed to just put the baby in a seat? And she goes, yeah, I bought him his own ticket or I bought her her own ticket. And I was like, don't you want to sit with your baby? And she goes, actually, I'd prefer to sit here

And I'm like So fucking would I You think I wouldn't Fucking sit next to your Six month old Ain't no way Six month old baby How long was the flight

What did you fly for It was two hours It was from San Francisco To uh Or no San Francisco back to LA It was an hour And it was on an airline

A real airline Commercial I don't give a shit Nobody's sitting next to my baby They could be doing Anything to my fucking baby I don't want the baby Anywhere near me

I understand that too I mean Who cares It's just like I've never seen was in the middle it wasn't in a seat or anything like it wasn't in a baby it was just sitting there like it was an adult and the airline allowed that well did the baby order a cocktail shit no i had two cocktails though at noon i was like fuck i'll take a vodka soda and then i was like i

don't even drink vodka anymore get one for the baby so you've never had sex with comics since 19 since the last time you had sex with comics and then you had five i only had sex with a couple comics early in my career because it's just not hot you know comic on comic sex and then if it goes wrong then the guy is probably gonna do some material about you and now you got beef like yeah the crips and the bloods yeah because if a motherfucker says something about me on stage i would tear that ass up but it has not happened well thank god for that thank god for small miracles now you'd spend most of your time in vegas working at this jimmy kimmel comedy club and I know you have your residency there, right?

So you've had a lot of success later in life, in your professional life. So tell me how that's impacted you. Well, you know, when you're younger, you want what you want and you want it right now, you know? And when you don't get it like that, but you do still get it, but you get it later, I feel like you appreciate it more

and you won't fuck it up as easy. You know, I did all my fuck-ups before I even left the Bay Area, before I came to L.A. Like, I did all the coke and everything like that in Oakland. When I got to L.A., I was already all coked out, so I didn't do it anymore. And then, you know, now that I'm older, of course I would never,

because these kids got some shit fentanyl or something like that. Thank God. Anyone who needed a deterrent from cocaine has one, because you can't do it anymore. You play Russian roulette with that shit now. So I also feel that if I had got a house earlier, who knows if I'd have been able to sustain it. My money is pretty stable now, and that's good. Everything that I've gotten, Barry Smith always says it gets greater later, and you don't want to hear that shit when you're young.

But you're still figuring shit out for, like, years, you know? Like, everybody doesn't, you know, get a YouTube channel, make a million dollars, buy their mom a house like a lot of these kids do. but we came up to there was no cell phones there was no social media the only best promotion you could get especially about a female comic is that bitch is funny go see her that was your that was your your promotion so i feel like we appreciate it more we do what it takes to stay out of this shit we mind our own business we don't get caught up in the bullshit we don't social media bank well you do I don't and you know stuff like that so yeah it impacted my life in a great way I'm all good now yeah yeah it's nice to be it's nice to be earning a good living doing what you love to do

oh for sure like that eats all day for sure and it feels so it's so helpful for your self-assuredness and your confidence and the way you go through life when you feel financially secure when you feel settled you have a house you have a job security yeah i have seven brothers and sisters and believe you me it's too many nothing means more to them than you not asking them for money nothing means more that's when you have made it don't ask me for no money and actually help out when you can so i enjoy that and um also i feel like being a comic we don't have to rely on a band background singers glam squad maybe you do i don't because i do my own shit you don't have to wait wait on nobody it's just us well you're also monetizing your own personality yeah we're making

money off of being ourselves like what a gift that is we just get to be ourselves and make a living doing that not everybody can do that well not everybody's interesting no i will not we're we will not not anybody's interesting or not everybody's interested in monetizing their own personality. I'm like, what's the least amount of work I could do? Be myself. I'd rather just be myself and get paid for that. Absolutely. How do you work that out? Okay. We're going to take a quick break. We're going to bake actually. We're going to take a little break and bake and we'll be right back. Need advice from Chelsea about a coworker situation? Write in to dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com.

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I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them.

They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments,

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See you between the pages. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show.

We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, not that great. Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head, right? How about we flip the script, okay? What if the surprise woman, who actually you think is the straight man, is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott. this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that it seems

like if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity yeah ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like you're like oh what's this everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a

guest on every episode but he's just so busy listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts and we're back with lunel do you like to do you prefer lunel or lunel either because billy my driver who knew you when i said i was interviewing you today he said oh and i said lunel she's a comic and he goes lunel and i was like yeah you know her and he goes yeah i know her from years ago he said he used to drive you around yeah there's a lot of boys that said he used to drive me around they probably did yeah okay well okay so you know what goes on here we're gonna take callers we give them oh that's great okay people call in and they want advice and that's what we're here for yeah me too i fucking love it me too our first question

comes from annie annie says i'm living with my boyfriend and our mutual best friend we've all been friends for over a decade, traveled and lived together, and are currently living together, just the three of us. I've always thought this friend of ours was attractive and maybe even that I'm possibly going downhill. Go ahead. And maybe even that I'm possibly in love with him, but I've held those feelings in the whole time so we can all just be good friends and I don't ruin it for everyone. Well, this roommate and I often trade back rubs. He was a massage therapist and we've been doing this for years, always a hundred percent platonic. Although honestly, I've always fantasized about it not being platonic. When my boyfriend and I hit a rocky

patch and he took some space, I told our friend about it, and we ended up going all the way that night. And a few times after that. When my boyfriend got back, we stopped and haven't had much physical interaction since then. My problem is, I love them both. My boyfriend is just an epic person. My roommate, on the other hand, I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I believe I'm in love with him. It was a crush the whole time but recently i'm thinking about him as a life partner i don't know what the heck to do i love living with them both we're great friends have fun and in some sort of twisted way i'm getting the best of both worlds yeah i'm curious i'm curious if you think i should move out and

leave my wonderful life and look elsewhere tell them both i like them or what please help chelsea i know you'll set me straight annie you go first oh my god what a fucking mess you can't fuck your roommate while your boyfriend lives there. That is so disrespectful that you did that. Boys do it all the time. Yeah, they do. It is, but it's still disrespectful. I mean, it doesn't justify it because boys do it. I don't want to be a boy.

She didn't say how old she is. She's like 20s. She's in her 20s. I say fuck them both. Okay, great advice. Wait till it blows up. Wait till it blows up because it's going to blow up. Well, it's going to blow up and your boyfriend is not going to forgive you for fucking your roommate.

No, so if you're somebody else, she's in her fucking 20s. I think you break up with your boyfriend right away and maybe pursue it with a roommate. When did you become such a prude? Because I have morals, okay? I have standards and morals. Who is this? Can I see Chelsea?

Yeah, yeah, I'm right here. I don't just say fuck everyone. Yeah, you got to have some sort of boundary. Not there? Not in the apartment? Don't even listen to what the fuck she's saying right now. Okay, okay, why am I here? Why am I here?

Okay, go ahead, go ahead. Okay, I say this because, number one, her boyfriend's a fucking great guy. Yeah, epic, she said. He's an epic guy. You don't want to get rid of him. Number two, the other guy, you're just hot in the pants for. He may not be as great a guy as the boyfriend, okay?

You motherfuckers knew when you moved in together that some shit like this might happen. In the back of somebody's mind, somebody's bullshit was going to happen. Yeah, hers. Her fucking mind. And Masseuse, too. Yeah. He guilty, too. So I say continue on with what you're doing.

just be very cautious be prepared for it to blow up because it will don't be all crying all broken hearted because you fucking did it take the L move on

don't move until you have to don't first of all that is the only piece of your advice that I agree with is when it fucking blows up

don't start crying and acting like oh this happened it happened because you couldn't keep your fucking pants on and you had to keep fucking your roommate

who can keep their pants on in their 20s come on Chelsea I know but it's not cool if you have a great boyfriend and you fuck your roommate that you've been fantasizing about? Well, I didn't say it was right.

She should release that boyfriend and she should release herself into the wilderness so she can go sow her oats. So she can be miserable for the rest of her life. No, right now she's just making people miserable. Nobody's miserable. She didn't say nobody's complaining. Because what he don't know won't hurt him

and the other motherfucker, he's a dog because he's fucking his boy's girl. Would you be in a relation, would you ever be in a situation where you lived with two roommates and you were fucking both of them and one thought they were your boyfriend. I've never lived with two roommates

that I was fucking anybody. But I have fucked a father and son before. Now, how about that? How about them apples? Well, that is something. How about them apples, Chelsea? Tell us more about that. I would like to know about a father-son.

I've never, yeah. Okay, you want to know how it happened? Yeah. Years ago when I lived in Oakland, California when I was hot in the ass and in my 20s, I fell in love with this bass player guy that was in this band so I used to hang out I was a studio rat check hang out in the studio sleep in the studio listen to him practice and all that kind of stuff fine then we got older and went about our little separate ways many years later this guy gets

at me because I used to do a show like this in Oakland on the Sobe Television Network local cable station and where people could call in and stuff like this this guy called me and he was talking to him he wanted to get at me he came to the station we hooked up and so we were laying in bed talking one day and he said yeah my dad blah blah blah his name and I said blah blah blah he said yeah blah blah blah I said blah blah blah blah blah and he said yeah I said oh my god I said that's your father he said yeah I said oh my god you'll never guess what happened and I told him and what did he think well you know he you know the typical male shit well who's better in bed. Actually, he

was. Daddy was alright, but we were doing a lot of drugs back then, so the impotency. Cocaine ain't never made nobody dick hard like they think. It's very hard to get a hard dick on cocaine. Cocaine and a variety of other drugs

as well, quite frankly. Everyone needs to just carry Viagra with them. After you turn fucking 40, men need to carry Viagra or Cialis. No, just date younger men. Fuck some Viagra. I don't want to date a 30-year-old. I don't want to date a 60-year-old because I'm not put an ice pack on your gout foot whatever the fuck's wrong with you so very specific no who's our who's our next caller Catherine so our next caller is Josie she is a stay-at-home mom she

says dear Chelsea I'd love your opinion and advice on a topic I've been struggling with for 20 years orgasms the first time I had sex I was 17 and I'm 37 now and I have never once had an orgasm with a man. Uh-oh, wait a minute, with a man? With a man, yes. Or? Good point. I was married from 22 to 25. I cheated on him and divorced him, and that marriage was filled with exciting sex. Still, the only way I was able to orgasm was from porn and or a vibrator by myself. My ex knew this was the case and was fine with it. We just continued about our merry way and still had sex about five times per week. I've been married to my current husband for almost 11 years and have not had an orgasm with him once. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been faking it the whole time. It doesn't

bother me that much since I'm still able to get off maybe once a week by myself. I've never had a huge sex drive regardless of this issue. I don't want to tell my husband I've been faking it for a decade. We have sex around one to three times a week and I love that he loves fucking me. It really makes me happy to have sex with him, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm lying to him about this. What do you think? Thank you and love you, Josie. Josie, your show. Her name is Josie.

To go with Chelsea and Linnell. Of course, you know I'm going to disagree with what you say. I know. Hi, Josie. Hi, you all. Oh, nice to see you. Hi, this is our special guest, Linnell. She's from... Where is she from? Outer space. She dropped by.

She came in from Vegas. Hot, off the tarmac. Hot off the tarmac, yep. Oh, man, I feel like I should be wearing sunglasses right now, too. Well, you're not anonymous, even if you had them on, because there you are right on the camera. Yes. Linnell, did you want to go first on this one, or why don't you take it? Okay, first of all, you and 98% of women in marriages are faking orgasms, first of all. Okay?

Okay. Because some people will sacrifice an orgasm for a really good man. Now, this guy must be a really good guy. maybe he's a good provider and he loves you he still loves fucking you and stuff like that and you faking it uh you know just what's look what's the problem let him go to work bust out the vibrator rub one out and keep keep going about your day i don't see you know it would be lovely for you to have an orgasm with the man that you i think you love him still do you love him oh Oh, absolutely. He's a fantastic man.

Okay, well, you know, that's what vibrators are for, shit. So you're able to have an orgasm by yourself, which means you're able to have an orgasm. And with porn. And with porn, right. I like to fantasize about porn a lot when I'm having an orgasm. I think about a couple of scenes in some porn movies I've seen. That really gets my juices flowing.

So I can relate to what you're saying. I won't mention what those movies are because they're too embarrassing, the plot lines. Is it gay porn? No, no. Well, lesbian porn. I do like lesbian porn. I've watched gay male porn. I mean, I'm not opposed to gay porn either. I like gay porn.

Because those motherfuckers know how to suck a dick, I tell you. I pick up a few pointers watching some of these boys. But whose dick are you sucking? I'm not sucking any dicks. Dick is getting sucked by you. I'm not sucking no dicks right now. So why are you taking dick sucking classes right now? I don't need a class.

Well, yes, I do. My dick sucking is trash. Josie. Because my heart ain't in it. Josie, have you ever had your husband give you an orgasm with the vibrator while you're fooling around with him? Uh-oh. She just came.

She passed out. She just came. She might be using it. No, I've never talked to her. She's probably using it while she's talking to me. I'm going to switch her in. Okay, wait. There she is.

She's back. So you've never had him give you an orgasm with the vibrator while you guys are fooling around? No, but that's a great idea. And he gave me one for Valentine's Day last year. Perfect. So bring that into the bedroom and show him. He doesn't know exactly what to do. You have to show him what to do.

I'll agree with that, Chelsea. Oh, thank you. You have to show, point your finger and tell him higher, lower, there, there. But Jessie, are you aggressive like that or do you be sweet? Are you sweet and this? Yeah, I'm not like, hey, higher. I had to ask. But I want to help them.

I'm not going to fake an orgasm at this age. I've done exactly what you did for 20 years. First of all, it takes concentration to have an orgasm. You have to concentrate. I'm not sure what exactly, but I know you need to concentrate. On something. On your fucking clitoris is what you need to concentrate on. But you know you can have one

So there's really nothing wrong You just have to show your husband And don't admit that you've been lying about orgasms That information isn't helpful But just start getting a little bit I bet you he's going to be great at it Once you show him the way And then you're going to have even better sex with your husband

You already have a really healthy sex life Three times a week is great Yeah, you're fucking blessed She hasn't had sex since the 80s That's a lot But yeah, I'll agree with Chelsea Maybe have him, since he bought it for you, maybe have him use it on you. Okay, okay, I like this.

Buzz your way into happiness. Buzz your way, and also, don't fake it anymore. Get him involved in helping you orgasm. And I would wager that if he bought you the vibrator, he wants to use it with you. You know, so you could be like, hey, guess what I thought would be hot? Let's try this. And then if he's still not getting it from you, like describing like higher, lower, let's do it this way, you can be like you know it would be hot why don't you watch watch me yeah oh i like that okay okay

i like that and also try some different combinations with the vibrator like have him fingering you have him do whatever like turn you know not just the clitoris stimulation but some girls need a bunch of things to happen at the same time some girls like to have a finger in their asshole when they're having an orgasm not this girl yeah i know what you like you can't put your finger in anyone's asshole with those fucking nails i would never no because i'm not a doctor yeah i am a doctor and i am a doctor and i don't do that that's so funny yes you do no that's really helpful i just yeah it's just been on my heart for years and years and years put it in your panties and let's go yes ma'am okay i like that yeah you're gonna be fine just

be more communicative that's a really good idea to get the vibrators out that he bought me for it's a really great idea i love that it's gonna be fun okay right back and let us know how it went yes i sure will you know i'll check back in thank you katherine thank you brad and lunel she's feeling lunel is feeling marginalized right she's feeling yeah happy humping go have an orgasm right now we'll do okay yeah stay on the phone how frequently do you uh masturbate i don't anymore not much only when i come to la because that's where my vibrator is oh really do you keep it in a storage facility here no i keep it by the

bed in my house in la but i got my housekeeper that is for my neck i had this face thing like for your under eyes like this like vibrator contraption that you like smooths out your under eyes when they're puffy and I had it in a hotel room you dropped it in in London I stayed in there for a month and every morning every time I come back to the house the hotel they would have it right next to my bed like on a piece of like one of those little it was a really fancy hotel and they had on one of those like yes yes like on these special towels that they had in the bathroom that are like face towels and they would like wrap it nicely I'm like I can't believe they think that they're wrapping my vibrator up each day

and placing it next to my bed. Isn't that the sweetest thing? Talk about turndown service. I'm saying. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save.

Get a quote at belairdirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was

someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. from best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is the trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts see you between the pages hey this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements we host the

podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners each week we talk to someone in show business aka the biz and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests It's like Sarah Sherman, not that great. Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head? How about we flip the script?

What if the surprise woman, who actually you think is the straight man, is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott. This entire time, you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show. I would never expect. Let go of that. I have. I would never set expectations for something like that to happen.

It seems like you did. If the universe allows for something like that to happen, I am open to it. I'm always going to accept. You know, Danny McBride, fine. Yeah. It's all this fragile masculinity exuding. I could smell it walking down the hallway, to be honest with you. I was like, is that weed?

Nope. It's fragile masculinity. Ben Stiller, no. Because a lot of times, out of context, people don't get it or even know what a circle is. You know what I mean? Like, they're like, oh, it's a statement. Everyone's so dumb except for you. And fake.

Right, fake and also not interested or just like, oh, I've got my life. I don't care about your life. And a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Oh, and by the way, Will Ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. okay next our next question comes from dave this is just an email or maybe it's dave chappelle

he says i'm 35 male i've been married for 13 years to my best friend who is a gorgeous blonde her workplace is 95 male which was never a problem until recently she brought up to me that a friend of mine who works there tried to make a pass at her i was appreciative of the honesty fast forward a couple of months and he started to avoid me and doesn't talk to me anymore. Then I find out she's deleting text messages from him and a couple other male co-workers. I asked her about it and she said it was nothing, just some light joking that she thought I wouldn't understand or I would read into the wrong way. I just asked her for her honesty and to not delete the messages no matter what they were. She's still doing it. How do I express to her that she's breaking the trust

between us? After all, if the messages are harmless, why do they need to be deleted? I appreciate your advice, Dave. Yeah, but why are you reading her phone? I know. It's like. Exactly. No, I had a boyfriend who ran through my phone and I. How do you go looking for some shit you're going to find?

Yeah, exactly. It's like, but I mean, deleting the messages is also like a sign that you're. But he wouldn't know if they were being deleted if he didn't fucking go prowling around on a fucking phone. That's what I'm saying. If the guy, is he a friend of the man? Yeah, I think they're friends outside of work. Okay, and now the guy is avoiding him and shit. So he's acting shady.

She's doing the right thing by deleting the messages because, number one, we don't know what the fuck she wrote back. She might be leading this motherfucker on. That's the point, though. So she's covering her own ass. And then also the friend, you need to go head on and be glad that he's not fucking with you no more. He clearly wants to fuck you abroad,

and you don't need to be fucking with him no way. She can't leave her job just because somebody thinks she's hot at work. and at some point he might need to pull him to the side and say something. But I say keep deleting that shit and you stay off her fucking phone. I don't know. Somebody's deleting messages.

I find that. I mean, yes. But you don't know they're deleted if you don't go fucking around. I know, but that's not the point. She's still, the guy's acting strange. So why is the guy from work acting strange? Because he knows that he can't look him in the eye no more

because he wants his bra on. Yeah, but so then that's what the guy's trying to find out. So if that's the truth that she's flirting with that guy, don't you think her husband does have a right to know that she's flirting with some co-worker? Listen, we all flirt, don't we? That's the thing, like flirting is not cheating.

And like, if you are in a work environment that's 95% man, like it does kind of get you a little farther if you're like that cute flirty girl at work, you know, and that might carry over to text messages. I don't know about this subject matter. I really just don't. I don't go through people's

phones. I will never go through someone's phone Again, I used to do that. I had a relationship once where I was paranoid and I looked through his phone and, of course, I found stuff. No, no, I never looked through 50 Cent's phone. I never did. We weren't together long enough for him to get up to any other business. Although maybe he did.

Maybe he was fucking the whole world. I don't know. We only dated for two months. I'd hit it right now. I would hit your ex. You would? She just showed me a picture of her with 50 Cent. Where did you see him?

In Vegas? Well, you know, is that really important where we were? Aren't y'all broke up? Can I see your phone? I want to see your phone. You want to go through my phone? You would have sex with 50 Cent? You would have...

I'm so fucking... Really? Why? Because you find him hot? Well, yeah, because I think he is really sweet and really kind. He is a sweetheart. And, I mean, no, I really probably wouldn't because I know, you know, Vivica as well. And so, you know, I don't want to...

What's their story, Vivica and 50? Well, no, I just don't want to... I'm not that bitch that will fuck your ex-boyfriend. I'm not her. but if he were not involved with you if he were not involved with her and if he wanted me I would say, listen, I would first of all tell you

to go fuck 50 Cent. I would be happy for you so you don't have to worry about that aspect of things. I don't consider anyone to be a real boyfriend if you haven't dated them for more than six months. That's because you're white, Chelsea in the black world, you don't do that shit. Vivica would never fucking forgive me if I went and fucked 50 Cent

when she has clearly declared on television that that was the love of her life. Oh, she has? I didn't realize that. Yeah, love of her life. Oh. I can pull it up.

So I don't, you know, and they was for a hot minute, they was a hot-ass fucking couple. How long did they date? Not long, maybe six months, something like that. Oh. But a lot can happen in six months.

You can be in love, love, love, love in six months. So I wouldn't do that for that aspect. But if he was any, you know, if he wasn't involved with people I knew, if he wanted me, Luenell, yes, I would fuck 50 Cent. Uh-huh. What about Bill Cosby?

I have a picture of me and Bill. Oh, really? Is it in his hotel room? No, but I was asleep on his shoulder. I don't know if he gave me anything. You fell asleep on his shoulder? I think I've seen you fall asleep publicly, though, before, like twice. No, you have not.

Liar. But I do, I put him, and I posted that picture. The look on your face, you go. I put that picture on my Instagram once of me and Cosby, and I had my head on his shoulder like this. And underneath the picture, I wrote, Bill, I'm feeling sleepy. I think I need to go.

Oh, dear. And it was a very popular post. But I don't fuck old men, first of all. Have you ever? What's the oldest man you've ever had sex with? Like maybe in the early 70s. but a very that's fucking old bitch

but that was a very fit motherfucker like how fit was he and who was it fit enough to have a hard dick that would work in me

that fit you know but I'm not fucking nobody with gout god damn it I've never had sex with a 70 year old

actually and you would fuck this 70 year old I've I had sex with a 60 year old well a couple of 60 year olds

okay that adds up to a 120 year old well no it doesn't it doesn't and that was a long time ago So, well, this was a long time ago.

But I don't, you know, I don't do the old guy thing. What about anal? Do you do anal? So, motherfucking lutely not. Yeah, black women do not like to talk about anal. No, I'll talk about it and let you know I don't fuck around. First of all, ouch. How about that?

How about it? Second of all, everybody asshole don't look like the picture. You know what I mean? Well, where is the picture of the asshole that you saw first? In the dictionary. assholes are all sorts of different colors some are pink some are purple some have hemorrhoids some don't some are like blue big and open some are tight like a lip yeah some are hairy asshole is impenetrable it's a virgin okay well things come out of it so and that's the way god

wanted it but if things can come out they can go in i'm suggesting you know that's what a hole is A hole is when something can go in or out of it. No, but a vagina has moisture-making quality. Right. A booty hole do not. That's diarrhea. But you know what you can do is take some of the moisture from the Pikachu and put it in. Just because you like it in the ass, Chelsea, don't mean that everybody...

So should we tell Dave that he should drop it with his girlfriend? Or do we think like... Who's Dave? Oh! Dave is the one who got us here. Oh, shit. You take that one, girl. I'm out.

I'm a tap out. I know. This is like, I don't know what to say to Dave because it's just, obviously, something's up. I would just go straight to the man and find out what's going on. Be like, man to man. Are you fucking my wife? That's probably what he should just do.

But no one's going to tell the truth. That's the problem. Nobody's going to tell the truth. And she's been flirting back. Let's keep it a buck. Like, what guy's going to be like, yeah, I'm fucking your wife? Like, unless he's in love with her. I don't know.

If you watch Cheaters, bitch, they'll tell them to their face. Yeah, I fucked her. I'm sorry that we can't help you more. But it sounds to me, I would say instinctually something is up in your marriage. She's up to something. And I would also say stop checking her phone and try to find out another way. That's a little bit less sneaky. I agree.

That's too juvenile school. Yeah, checking the phone at a certain age, we have to like. You go looking for some shit, you're going to find it. I'm going to look through your phone and I know what I'm going to find. You look through my motherfucking phone. I know what I'm going to find on that. I'm going to find this shit on my phone. Yeah, I believe you.

the receipts. Yeah, exactly. I got million dollar shit in my phone. Well, our next question comes from Sophia. Sophia says... Vergara? Of course. Sophia Vergara says, Dear Chelsea, my wife and I are starting to look into our options for sperm donors. She's always wanted to be a mom and be pregnant. And after deconstructing that idea and defining the reasons behind it, we decided that we want to start a family together. So when it comes to pregnancy for a lesbian couple, you can have anonymous donors, gay friends, or as we've been talking about recently, a brother's sperm. We figured that if the baby is going to be half hers and half someone else's, why not be someone we know? But the intricacies of asking a friend are many, so in our discussions, we brought up

our brothers. Mine doesn't really look much like me, and I don't particularly look a lot like my family, but there's still something to be said about seeing that you belong and also knowing where you came from. We're toying with the idea of asking my brother what he thinks about all this, and I have no idea how to tackle this. We're not extremely close and we've had our moments of not talking to each other in the past, but we get along well currently. What should I do?

Sophia. Oh, that's the wife's brother, not the... No, it's the two. First of all, it's a pair of lesbians. Did you figure that out yet? Yes, bitch. I heard what you said. It's a nice idea.

A lot of people do this, but I mean, a lot of people who are in families and are a brother or sister are not interested in doing this for their brother or sister. so that's something to just contemplate and know going in that it's not a sure thing when you do connect with him and ask him but I would just get it out there and be like you know we're thinking about it and just be open like is that something you would be interested in doing or is that like would you even consider something like that make it a casual offering or a suggestion it's not an

offering really like a suggestion so that you're just gauging the temperature because he might be like no fucking way right or he might be like oh that's weird like that's interesting let me think about it because do they have children does he have children with his wife i just say get your paperwork in order because he sounds like an asshole they have had times where they didn't fuck with each other you know what i mean and you don't want this to get weird down the line so even if it is your brother even if he says okay get your fucking paperwork in order about what his rights are gonna be and what his rights ain't gonna be are you gonna do it now or do it later do it now go to court later yeah well you definitely have to get your paperwork in order

if you're having someone's, you know, taking someone's sperm or eggs or embryos, anything like that. But also, can you help draw up the contracts for that? I got a guy. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how I feel about it. Like, if somebody asked me for my eggs, I mean, obviously they're not.

Girl, don't know why I want them all dried up and powdered eggs you got, girl. My knees and shit. That shit has sailed. So, look, moving on, I think you answered his question. Somebody tried to give you a baby yesterday, Chelsea. Uh-huh, you didn't get already out. I've had babies, like, there's some sort of magnetic pull. Like, all these kids are around me all the time, and I don't want them.

I have 17 nieces and nephews. I'm the only sibling with just one child. And I tell you, kids, the worse you talk to them, the more they like it. You know, because they feel like you care. I got this celebrity friend, and she just had a baby with a surrogate. They got the baby. The baby's at home. And I was giving them black mothering advice.

Because, like, a lot of white families, they're like, shh, the baby's asleep. We can't talk. Don't wake up the baby. And black families will have the baby, a newborn, on your chest while we're playing fucking cards, dominoes, at the party or anything like that. Because the baby heard your voice the whole time it was in you. So they tend to sleep better with the noise than they do in the quiet. You know, it was never quiet when it was in you. So I was just telling them, don't get everybody trained.

Don't get your baby trained to sleep in the quiet. Get your baby trained to sleep with noise around it. Because life is noisy. And you're not going to always be in a quiet place. And this motherfucker needs to know how to go to sleep. No, I agree with that. I don't like when people are like, oh, and they have to put blackout shades in the baby's room. And it's like, why does a baby need blackout shades?

He just fucking got here. Like, he's got to figure out what's happening. Listen, I've been to jail before. I know how to sleep with a floodlight on me. They don't turn out the lights in jail. I slept in jail one night, and it was so awful. I've never felt worse because of that fucking light in your face. Well, the handcuffs weren't comfortable either.

You slept in handcuffs? They didn't unhandcuff you once you were in the cell? Yeah, of course they unhandcuffed me. What'd you get arrested for? Embezzlement. A money grab. A light embezzlement coming at you live from dear Chelsea. How many days did you spend in jail?

Months. Oh, really? I missed my child's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving because I was in jail. Oh, so this is like 28 years ago. Yeah, I haven't gone to jail no more. In a long time. If you go spend four months in jail with a new baby, you probably would get your shit together quickly. Is that what happened? You got your shit together after that jail stint?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, Jell, looks like it fucking blows. It does. From the minute you see the light behind you on the highway or from the minute the cops entered the establishment that you're in, it's downhill from there. All of it. The confrontation, the handcuff behind your back. You know, we don't walk around with our arms behind our back so your shoulders hurt. that's where old the space in the back of the police car is not plush it's not roomy well i mean no one's saying that it's going to be fun no i'm letting you know it ain't fun you had one day i'm and that was miserable i don't go to jail people because it's not it's not like on tv

i was so scared i just found the biggest woman i could find right away and i was like protect me i'm like i have money i will pay you when i get out and you need to be my best friend and she was like, fine. And I'm like, I won't be here for long, I promise, but I need you to sleep next to me. I did have a big Samoan Sally named Baby. She was like 23 years old. She had five kids. And she said, Miss Gambo,

Miss Gambo, let's go exercise. I said, I don't feel like exercising, baby, okay? Miss Gambo, don't make me pick you up. Oh, fuck, okay. Let's go fucking exercise and shit. The fuck, baby. I love Samoans. I love their bodies. I do, too. I love that body

I like them because they're not they're strong they're strong but they sort of have a little dad bod you know they're not all muscular all roided the fuck out just regular big strong ass men

with hair I like that I love boys with hair okay we're going to take a break and we'll be right back We live the Burning Up Tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation. One incredible celebration. One unforgettable night. See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th.

Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the Burning Up Tour, all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having.

I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip,

I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Well, this has been quite the hour with Linnell. Oh, is it over? Yeah, it is. That's an hour. I mean, I really appreciate you flying in from your Vegas residency to be here with me today. Only for you, literally. I couldn't wait. I mean, I can only do like 12-hour spurts in Vegas because I'm out of control. Yeah, I go hard. I go hard, and then I have to get the fuck out of there.

It's that Azul. Do you fuck with that Azul? Oh, God damn it. What is Azul? That Azul tequila in the blue and white. Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't fuck with tequila. I'm not a tequila girl. That make you take your clothes off. We'll do that together. We'll save that for togetherness.

Where's the camera for that one? Okay, so if you love Lunel, just please go and follow her on Instagram. Watch her special on Netflix. You can go and buy tickets to the Apollo tomorrow night, which you will not disappoint. And goodbye. Thank you, Lunel. Okay, guys.

So for stand-up, we added a second show in Sydney, and we added a second show in Pryor Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to be May 24th. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's August 17th, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second show at Santa Rosa on August 2nd and we added two dates in Hawaii, guys.

I'm coming to Hawaii on July 19th to Kahului. I'm going to be at Kahului. And then I'm coming on July 20th to Honolulu. And, oh, I just added another date on August 1st, Auburn, Washington. So, and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up. And I will be announcing a European tour shortly. And May 3rd, which is my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma. So, Oklahomians, Oklahomans, Oglohomes, come.

Bye. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com, and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.