Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Time to Give Your Family the Boot

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

A girlfriend wants to know if her boyfriend’s second DUI is a relationship dealbreaker.  A 21-year-old wonders if marriage is the solution after feeling judged about her live-in partner.  And a couple moves home from abroad to find their family has become outwardly racist, grappling with the decision to keep their child away from them for good. *****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast? We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by.

The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it.

Oh, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh... No way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements.

We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook. Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, God, welcome to summer, huh?

Summer is, we are in the thick of it. I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. I've had so much fun this summer between work and vacation and then work and then vacation and then work. And I will be in Canada performing at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Edmonton on August 15th. So tickets are available for that. There's just so many exciting things happening. I mean, this has been turned into a jam-packed summer. People really want to be out.

People are horny. I always loved summer, but now I just like when summer wraps up because that means ski season is on the approach. Well, you know what the problem with summer now is, is that it's too hot everywhere because the planet is melting. And I can't even imagine what it's like for people who don't have air conditioning. My friends went through that heat wave in Vancouver and they were like dying. And it was like, I mean, they would Marco Polo me and they would look like they were passing away. I'm like, are you guys serious about this heat? But I didn't take into consideration what that must be like without AC.

Well, their bodies aren't acclimated to that sort of temperature increase. No, no, no. So, yeah, it's only going to get worse and worse. But I did read something interesting about heat domes. So heat domes are part of what makes, you know, it's just like a heat wave, what creates a heat wave. But yet that's exacerbated by global warming and climate change. So while we have these weather patterns, you know, it's not like global warming. It's a product of all of it. Right. And it's or no, maybe I said that wrong. I say so many things wrong. I don't even know what's up anymore. Sideways, upside down from behind. Oopsie. Sorry. Anyway, you know what I'm saying? It's hot, you know, and I think we can all agree it's too hot. It's not pleasant at all. You know, it's just no one's going to take it seriously.

These older politicians, because they love the heat. I mean, they want to sweat through every layer of clothing they wear. But it's like mosquitoes are everywhere now. So you go over to someone's house in the valley and you can't. You come back and you're eaten alive. It's just like, why are there? There were never mosquitoes in California. Not that I picked up on.

That was an East Coast thing because of the humidity. And now it's a West Coast thing. And I'm not into it. And I don't know anybody who is into fucking mosquitoes. And if you do know somebody, tell them I said to fuck off. Or tell them to call in because they need help. I just have a problem. You know, I don't mind bugs so much.

Everyone's either scared of spiders or they're scared of snakes, right? Like bugs or snakes. Obviously, I'm scared of snakes. I've talked about this publicly, privately to anyone who will listen. I once saw a snake on safari and I slapped my sister across the face when I saw it because I was so scared. And our safari guide was like, you're in Africa. What did you think was going to happen?

And I said, I didn't think I was going to see a snake outside my room. That's what I didn't think. So I hit my sister across the face because that's the reaction I have when I see a snake. I have to hit somebody. And I hit her and then I went to kick her and she blocked me, but then held on to me tight because she knew that I was having a childlike reaction to snakes, which I always do. And it was almost like she stopped me from having a seizure, even though I don't have

epilepsy. I would like my body would involuntarily react without me. So that's what happened in Africa. And I was trying to hook up with our safari guide. So that put the kibosh on that. As soon as he saw me so scared of snakes, he lost all respect for me. I saw a snake on my hike the other day. Oh, where?

And I, Fryman Trail. And I shoot it off the trail. Was it a rattlesnake? No, it was not a rattlesnake. But I've tried to have more respect for animals when I'm in their space. So it was slithering across the little track and then stopped. And so I took a stick and I just tried to get it to go down the hill because I feel like, you know, I'm in I'm in your home. I'm on your territory. And normally I would be repulsed or terrified.

But I just try to remember, you know, he doesn't want any trouble. I don't want any trouble. So let's just keep it. That's what I have to remember when I see a snake. He doesn't want any trouble. My problem is that I believe they want trouble and that they will chase me. And that I my friend was telling me the other day to come to Bowen Island because her parents are there. And then she proceeded to tell me two stories about snakes that she found. She found one in the water. I was like, well, that's it. One swimming in the water.

Why are they in the water? Water moccasins. That's why we won't get in a lake anymore. I'm reading this book called Atomic Habits. I think it's by his name. It's by James Clear. And this is more about like achieving your goals by changing your identity. And one of the things he says is like, we are in charge of the perception we make for ourselves.

So instead of the example that he uses in the book is if you were a smoker and someone offered you a cigarette while you were trying to quit, instead of saying, oh, I'm trying to quit, you would reply with, oh, I don't smoke. And so in that way, I think you just need to retrain your brain to say, I'm not afraid of these snakes. Like the more you tell yourself, the more it becomes part of your identity. So that repetition of habit. So maybe you just need to start saying how much you love snakes every day. OK. Okay. I mean, I guess I could try that, but I, okay. Yeah. I mean, I hear what you're saying about being in their land or on their, you know, on their turf. I get that. That's true.

Same goes for sharks then, you know, you're in their water. And that's why I don't get in the water. I don't want to risk that. I'm just never going to stop swimming in the ocean. I can't stop, won't stop. I love the ocean and I love swimming and I love sitting with my nieces in the water, you know, on Nantucket to Martha's Vineyard. This year we went to Nantucket, but we usually we go to Martha's Vineyard. But I have to say, I would give them both rave reviews. And I kind of like Nantucket a lot, which is kind of weird because I'm such a vineyarder. But I don't know. Eventually, I'm going to want to shack up there. One of those places with my family.

It's nice to have a backup now. Yeah. As my sister and I transition into late life lesbians, we could probably move. We probably want to be bi-coastal. I mean, all lesbians should be bi-coastal, right? I think so. It's the only way. Do you want to give a quick one-off advice? Because we have a submission. Oh, I love a one-off.

Sure. Okay, this submission says, Dear Chelsea, I have a crush on a colleague at work and I'm trying to figure out how to take the friendship further while remaining respectful and appropriate. Any advice would be great. Leah, what do you think? Okay, so, okay, let's answer it first as a woman.

I would definitely, since men can't approach you in the workplace and you have a crush on him, it's important that you let him know because he can't take that chance right now so what's a cute way to do that do you think either a note or a text or something cute but I think it's up to you to kind of just say like what's the most respectful way to say it like I have to ask question how do they communicate what's their communication form I think a safe bet is always to do a small work gathering so a happy hour where it's not a ton of people it's not everyone in the office but maybe like five or six people so that way there's not as much pressure in the initial interaction outside

of work if you've not hung out outside of work yet because then you can kind of use that as your jumping off point to do something just you two you know like oh how great happy hour was you had so much fun maybe you guys would want to get dinner together sometime so I think that's a non-invasive way maybe to approach that so that's a good first step I don't know what your work situation is like but yeah that's a good thing to do because then you can kind of make some inroads at that event where you can kind of flirt a little or whatever get the vibe going and then after that I think a little note is cute who does that anymore you know it's cute to write a little note leave it on his desk just something that's a little flirty like hey I had a great time with

you the other night I would love to go out with you alone like this is after that little you know group activity I would love to go out with you I would love to do it again if you're interested let me know like that's kind of harmless if not no worries I think it's nice for women to reach out to men especially during this time right now what do you think Brandon I agree I don't know what what more sound advice you could get I think that women coming into like their voice and their power in those situations and saying this is what I'm interested in yeah and that is that is hot for a woman to do to be the one to kind of take that step and put herself out there in that way there's no greater feeling after you make a move like that to wait. I love it. I mean, yeah, sometimes

you don't get the answer you want, but it's so exciting to take a leap like that. Like I love reaching out to someone who doesn't know that I'm interested in just like kind of putting it out there. I love it. And I've been rejected doing that and I'm still fine with it. So what if it were a man? If it were a man who had a crush on a colleague and was trying to figure out how to take the friendship further while remaining respectful, I think I would say to write a note also. I would probably give the same advice, but I would really emphasize his propriety and his approach and make sure that it doesn't feel intimidating, inappropriate. You don't have to say that to women, but that would be what would differ from my advice to a man. Yeah. As a man,

you need to be respectful of her space and that it is a workplace for her. And you don't want to have any woman on the defense at work if your interest in her is not not wanted or not reciprocated rather so i think and if you're a gay man i would my advice would be whip out your bachuki and just let it rip bachuki yeah that's what i haven't heard oh really bachuki that's our that's our family word for penis bachuki caslapus and pikachu oh and then boomsie is a fart we don't say fart or and we don't say we say take a should do be if somebody has to go number two we call it it should do be. So we have a lot of code words in our family, but we all understand what they mean. And so do all our friends. Leah, hope that solved your problem. Yeah, Leah, good luck with

that. Problem solved. If you guys end up together, call us. Okay, we're going to take a minute and we're going to have some time for some ads and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all. And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet

with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell, connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed,

and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page

are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse.

Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility.

Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. hey this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements we host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners each week we

talk to someone in show business aka the biz and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman not that great actually can Can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head? How about we flip the script? What if the surprise woman, who actually you think is the straight man, is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott.

This entire time, you've been expecting Adam Sandler to come to visit the show. I would never expect. Let go of that. I would never set expectations for something like that to happen. It seems like you did. If the universe allows for something like that to happen, I am open to it. I'm always going to accept. You know, Danny McBride, fine.

Yeah. It's all this fragile masculinity exuding. I could smell it walking down the hallway, to be honest with you. I was like, is that weed? Nope. It's fragile masculinity. Ben Stiller, no. Because a lot of times, out of context, people don't get it or even know what a circle is.

You know what I mean? Like, they're like, oh, what's a circle? Everyone's so dumb except for you And fake Right, fake and also not interested Or just like, oh, I've got my life I don't care about your life And a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us

Oh, and by the way, Will Ferrell told us personally He loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode But he's just so busy Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts Or wherever you get your podcasts Bert can't see the steps for some reason from the bed Like even though he walks down them every morning, sometimes he doesn't remember where they are, which is in line with his brain chemistry. Because every time I come home, it feels like I have to reintroduce myself, too.

So when he comes on the bed, if he doesn't see the steps in the morning, I've well, twice now he's fallen off the bed. I'm surprised he survived. And it also explains why he's very slow, because he has obviously several head injuries or concussions over the last few months. but when he does fall off the bed it is a an alarming sound but not alarming enough for me to get up because I know that his fur is patting him and as a parent that's really all I can hope for or ask for actually I did start carrying a cabbage patch kid around the house and was breastfeeding it to convince Bert and Bernice that I actually am maternal and I'm a mother because Mabel keeps Mabel's my housekeeper and she keeps telling me the reason why the dogs love her so much is because she is a mother and they know that I'm barren so I tried to counter that

with my cabbage patch kid that I found and how's that working out well I'm not producing milk but Bert is also not really paying attention because as soon as Mabel leaves the house he goes to sleep for the night because it's like it's fucking over his his day is over so he goes to sleep so anything I do that's my window to be with them and they both don't want to be with me because they're pissed that my bell left and so in that time whatever I do is useless because their eyes are closed anyway because they're so miserable because they hate me so much I'm glad those two can't talk you know they wouldn't have anything nice to say no no definitely not not to me that's for sure i mean bernice came up the other morning climbed up someone was there

was a workman in the house she climbed up the little doggy steps i'm in my bed on my computer in my bathrobe in the morning she climbs up the doggy steps walks right over to me i go and i put my hand out to pet her and she runs in the opposite direction and runs off the bed like i'm a rapist like i've beaten her and runs off the bed runs down the stairs what what the fuck is that well she's like a rebellious teen but why is she coming up to taunt me like that is she playing with me their emotions i don't know i mean these two dogs honestly the next two dogs i get i might not get chow's i need some a little bit i mean i know i will because they're just fucking cute and i love having a furry snuffleupagus in my bed every night whether

he wants to be there or not he doesn't even know what's happening because you know i carry him I carry him downstairs after he passes out on the floor. He's like a furry slinky, his dead weight and his dead skin. You know, I have to put him over my shoulder and then I bring him upstairs and I throw him on the bed and he just never wakes up. Nothing. Nothing will wake him up once she's gone. Unless he falls off the bed. Bert's been letting me pet him and that's been very exciting. I know. Well, his body is such a wonderland that if you, you know, just even touching his fur is soothing.

It's like almost self-soothing when I touch his body. it feels like your fingers can get lost in his like head and neck meat yeah and underarm yeah he's got two big flaps right and the hair is so soft i know i love it i love him you really could he's really like a teddy bear okay so you want to go into collars right away let's just get into them all right let's just get into it then all right well katie out of corona california she's 31 writes dear chelsea my husband i just want to say something about your voice it's you know it's very soothing it's almost like a laxative i used to have this thing where my mom would call me when i was like moved to california and as soon as i heard her voice i had to go to the bathroom

like because she was so relaxing that it helped like just relax me and my sister said the same thing she goes oh my god that's so funny when i was at college and i talked to mom on the phone i had to go to the bathroom too like it just lets everything flow okay i'm gonna take that as a compliment so i would say that your voice also has that effect on me do you need to go not yet but I think one day I will. I can't wait for that day. She writes, dear Chelsea. My husband and I recently had our first child, the first grandchild on both sides of the family. We spent the last four years living in Europe and just moved back to California closer to our families who are Trump supporters. We are not. My husband and I are currently struggling with

certain family members who continuously make racist and insensitive comments. For example, one family member in particular hates the Black Lives Matter movement and all the blacks on TV now and how he's boycotting the nfl another family member will make rude comments about illegals and all the mexicans taking over needless to say my husband and i are tired of this type of behavior and do not want them speaking this way in front of our daughter they already think i'm a liberal snowflake who's too sensitive so i feel like no matter how i address these issues they're going to blow me off it's such a terrible position to be in but it should also be noted that in her written submission she did put quotes around things like blacks and illegals because she was

directly quoting family members okay katie what's going on what's what's the situation been now that you're home hi katie hi thank you for having me on sorry about your parents they suck and grandparents your extended family that's so annoying you want to say they're good people right because they would never speak this way in public or around these groups of people so it's where's the disconnect of why would you speak that way in front of my husband and i who don't share these same views and don't speak that way especially now that we have a child I don't want them speaking that way in front of her ever and I feel like we're not the only people going through this right like everyone has a family member who will make an insensitive comment and we need to

move away from oh grandpa's just being grandpa or mom's just always been that way and it's how do you set those boundaries with your family members and your parents who didn't raise you to be this way. You know, we're taught to be considerate of others, be polite, respect authority. And I don't know where that disconnect is now with our parents' generation in particular. So I think it's just really hard because you love them and you want them to have a relationship with your child, but it's also, this is not okay. And I don't want this to hurt our relationship, but this can't continue. So what kind of conversations have you had thus far? Have you told them like how hateful that is, like what they're talking about, how hateful that is to have

around your daughter to talk about Blacks on television and he doesn't like the Black Lives Matter movement. Like that's hate driven. Yeah. And I think with my husband's side of the family, I don't feel as comfortable as with my own family. So I just say, yeah, things are changing, you know, and kind of leave it at that. And if my husband's not there, I don't know what more I could really say. I guess having a bigger backbone and being like, hey, that really makes me uncomfortable. It is insensitive and not even sorry it makes you uncomfortable. It's that's just how things are now. But with my side of the family, I'll say, you know, like, I don't like that. Can we please like that is really mean. And it's kind of out of nowhere. They have no reason

to feel this way about these groups of people. See, this is bad for me, because I have no tolerance for that. Sure. And I would argue who cares, then you to keep your daughter away from them, then they shouldn't be around that kind of hate. But I know people care about seeing their families and they want their families to be involved with their children. At least that's what I hear. So I get that angle of it. I can't tell you how many questions we get like this. People are always writing in about cutting out friends and family out of their lives because of racism or bigotry, all of it. And but everybody's not a lost cause. Like if you can really demonstrate the hate and the harm that black families have grown up with and all BIPOC people and all marginalized group have grown up with and the hatred and bigotry against them and how damaging that is, you know, like facts are facts.

I mean, look at how many black people were shot the week Derek Chauvin was convicted. You know, look at what had happened. I mean, it's undeniable that there is this system working against black people in this country and that they're part of it. We're all part of it, but they're actively perpetuating it. Yeah. And to be irritated with it for no reason because it's not actually affecting their day to day life to me is mind boggling. And I want our daughter to grow up. I'm hoping that our kids generation doesn't see any of these conflicts or, oh, how can we help these people? Or, yeah, that's really rough that they've gone through this for so long or seeing a

homeless person instead of being like, oh, they made bad life decisions. It's how can we help? Like, let's move away from being negative or seeing things as a negative way and turning around is how can we help? How can we make a difference, too? Yeah. How can we enforce change and how can we go with change and be supportive? Like, what is your family's excuse for saying, I hate all these black people on TV. I mean, what do you say when they say something like that? Yeah, I mean, that recently just happened. When you said we have like post your questions, I was like, we literally just had that awkward

situation in our home. And all I said was, well, change is happening because it caught me so off guard because there is no reason. We also grew up in Orange County. We live in Southern California. So let's talk about white privilege already. Like the diverseness is not in our community. It's not.

And it makes us uncomfortable when we're faced with it because that's not something that we've dealt with because those people aren't actively being supported in our own community. I think it would behoove you to have a really like heart to heart conversation with them without trying not to get emotional and just being very pragmatic and practical about it and saying this is what I will accept around my child. I will not instill hate into my child. I will not instill bigotry into my child. It's not enough to not be racist. I'm anti-racist. You know, you want to be actively anti-racist, which means having very little tolerance for people who behave that way unless they're willing to work on it, you know, and they obviously don't seem like they are. So my advice to you is not coming from a mother. It's coming from a person.

I would literally threaten them seeing their grandchild unless they actually started having healthy conversations about what is happening. You know, that's what I would do. And that's not the right decision because I probably a lot of parents would argue because they don't want to take their kids away from their grand parents. But think about what your parents are offering to them. You know, is that relationship important to you because it's important to you or is it important to your grandchild? Well, and I don't want it to get to the point where I'm not comfortable leaving my child alone with them because I'm afraid of what they're going to say when we're not around either. Right. I think it's the presentation. Right. Because they think you're a liberal, a snowflake and that you're super sensitive and you care too much about everybody and blah, blah, blah. That's not a bad thing. It's only seems like a snowflake thing when people are emotional about it. Right. When there when there's emotion in the conversation. So if you could leave the emotion aside and talk about the practicality of like the world that your daughter is going to grow up in versus the world your parents grew up in and how she needs tools to live in that world and to respect everybody in that world. They taught you to grow up respecting people. Right. Like that's something you can bring up. Am I supposed to teach her not to respect black people and brown people or immigrants?

Like there's no Christianity in that and there's no democracy in that. That's just not human, like good naturedness. It's just not. So any discriminatory behavior and even saying it is not acceptable in your presence, even saying it because, you know, I won't allow myself to be around anybody who speaks in that way about women or about marginalized groups. I will not be in that situation and not say something. And that is my commitment to being anti-racist, not just being against racism. Right. So, Brandon, do you want to weigh in here?

You literally just took every thought out of my head and presented it because there is no excuse anymore for this sort of conversation to be going on, unless the conversation is how to progress or thoughts and feelings that you've had and you want them challenged like obviously your family is very set in their ways on both sides so it's hard because you don't really have a safe haven when you're with your extended family you never know who you're going to get it from but positioning it as a decision you're making on behalf of your daughter will force them to rethink how they're going to communicate because if that relationships mean anything to them if that relationship means anything to them they will have to adjust and

And I come from the Midwest, so I'm in the same position as you are, where it's a very specific mindset and thought process in regards to anyone unlike you. Any difference in someone is something that's not OK and that's not embraced. So I feel for you. I mean, these conversations are really fucking annoying to be having with the current landscape. Like you need to get on board, but you have to have it. You need to go into these things very direct and transparent with how you're feeling and what you're thinking and that it's not OK. And you should show them my documentary called Hello Privilege. It's me, Chelsea. There's four women from Orange County who sound exactly like your parents who were arguing with me about why they think, you know, it's inappropriate for black people to have any sort of advantage at this point.

Like affirmative action's wrong. We shouldn't be giving black people any sort of upper hand. And it's like, that's actually exactly what we have to do because we've had the upper hand for so many, so many years. It doesn't matter that we weren't here during that time or that our ancestors were here during that time. We're still benefiting from the system that is subjugating people of color. We are still benefiting from it. So, of course, there's something for us to do. And your work is with your family and your in-laws.

What's your husband's stance on, like, the status of your relationship? Like, have you thought about withholding your grandchild from them? I mean, I really hope it doesn't come to that. But we literally just moved back from being gone for four years, too. And I guess it just caught us off guard that it had gotten so heightened, because these weren't actually conversations that were being had when we lived here before. And so in my point of view, too, and my when I brought that up to my husband, that just made me uncomfortable with that comment. I was like, if we were black, or we adopted a black child, or if our daughter had a disability, wouldn't we want them represented

on TV being stood up for by big groups that could actually make a change, like that would be really important to us and our families, argumentatively, if our daughter was in that situation. But because we're removed from it, for some reason, they think it's okay to make those comments. And I think we're just caught off guard that there's that big disconnect of we did grow up in church. How is that loving people? How is that being kind or even just a good citizen where you're living? It's not. Right. Right. I mean, church is a great place to start because these people can hang their hat on religion and Christianity and then discriminate against people. That is not godly. That is not what that religion is about. I've looked into it. So I think you really have to have like a real come to Jesus with them and be like, these are the rules. Are you going to be able to follow them? If not, I'm so sorry, but I can't have my child around you. Like I really I tough love in this situation, I think is I would say to do that. They're still having a hard time grasping the concept because this is also something that I've seen with white people. There's like a missing cog somewhere that they can't quite grasp why you have to be anti-racist. It's not just about keeping the comments to yourself. It's about acting on behalf of other people and like being vocal when you see racism. and you need to remind them that there's a very famous person in history who had this sort of

viewpoint and mindset about people with a difference and that was fucking hitler no one wants to be compared to hitler so the next time you hear your dad or father-in-law saying something be like oh you know what that sounds exactly like hitler with the jews like is that how you want to come across is that how you want to be represented with that sort of mind conditioning no no one wants that sort of association so that will really make them think i mean also the idea that you know Like, it's just indisputable to go over the statistics of how many black men have been shot in the back of the head or in the back running away from cops who ended up having no weapons on them. Like, I'm sure your parents will be like, well, they should have just complied. Or even if you don't comply, an officer's job is not to escalate the situation.

It's to de-escalate the situation. So there's more proof in the pudding of the statistics of what's happening disproportionately to black men being murdered by police officers. That is the root of racism. And how could any man or woman not have a problem with kids being killed by police officers? And my husband's an athlete. He runs. So when that black gentleman last year got shot running in his own neighborhood, literally brought tears to my eyes because I looked at my husband. I'm like, you can go running any goddamn time and I never have to worry about you. Like, how is that fair that citizens in their own neighborhood are not safe just because of the color of their skin? Like that it's 2021. How is this still an issue? And it shouldn't be. And I don't want that to be an issue for our daughter ever. No, no, no, no. And it won't be because your daughter is going to grow up in a completely different world. And I think people, you know, older people are just so stuck. They just don't see the whole picture and they can't. People don't like change.

And Katie, that's the world that you create and maintain for her. So again, as harsh as it may seem, like you have to do what's right for your family. And if that means withholding those interactions to make sure she is growing up in that space where there's inclusion, that's what you have to do. It's not a position anyone wants to be in, but it's your responsibility as a parent to guide her and keep her safe and surrounded and with people who have an outlook more aligned with the world that she will be living in. Yeah. You should also if I don't know if your parents would read a book about this, but probably not. But yeah. Okay. So you can recommend it. Well, you should recast by Isabel Wilkerson. That's a great book for anyone to read because it really gives you a perspective like a 30,000 foot perspective from so many examples of racism, how it lives on in this country and what black people go through in an original way. And it also actually compares, you know, what they did in the American South. It shows that the Nazis and Hitler studied American South and what Jim Crow did during that time and all the laws that they did to separate and segregate black people from white people with swimming pools and eating and buses. and that the Nazis studied that because they thought, oh, America's got it. How do we discriminate against Jews in this way? So they studied the American South. So Nazis studied

America. And people don't know that. I didn't know that until I read that book to get a blueprint of how to discriminate. So we are the kings of it. You know, we did it in the grossest way possible. So I think that, yeah, you really have to get your thoughts together in a letter or a conversation. I know I can tell that you're sweet and nice and emotional, so you might want to write a letter because sometimes I feel like when I make an argument, I just want to leave the emotion out of it. You know, put your facts down or what you're going after, because are you willing to actually take your daughter away from them and their relationships with her? If those type of conversations continue to happen, absolutely. Because it's so uncomfortable and I never want, A, my daughter to speak that way. I would be horrified.

And I don't think that's fair to her to be put in that situation either, because it is negligent today to not try to change your point of view, or at least just don't speak that way. Like, if I can't change their mind, I can't change their mind. But the boundary is don't speak that way in front of me or my daughter. Yeah, yeah, that's a good place to start. And then once you have that agreement, you know, I'm sure I mean, they're obviously going to say yes, they're not going to be like, oh, we can't not be racist around your daughter.

But once you have that agreement, it allows you a new platform to kind of grow from. Right. So then you have a new understanding and that's your baseline. And then you can work towards little small things, you know, acts of kindness on your behalf. your behavior can demonstrate your anti-racism without imploring their anti-racism, right? Like you can't make them be anti-racist, but you can show them what you're doing to be anti-racist so that they're seeing that demonstration over and over again. And that is a way to get through to people, not necessarily by trying to convince them, but just showing how you're going to operate in your life from now on? Sure. So I think that would be a good fresh start. You have the conversation, do it with your husband, write a letter from both of you or an email, whatever you're into and, and have it be from both of you. You have to be a unified front for sure. And you

can either have the conversation or write it and, and just say, these are the rules. Let me know if you guys want to move forward. We love you. We would love for you to have a part in our daughter's life. And we've been gone for four years. We'd hate to miss another four, but we're not, we're not going to be accepting of this behavior yeah that's accepting of this behavior is a good way to word that okay and keep us posted okay let us know how it goes okay thanks for calling katie i feel for you i know what yeah yeah i am so glad i don't have any some fucking trump supporters in my family i mean at this point oh don't even get me started i mean that conversation just fucking annoyed the shit out of me not because of her it's just like i just don't understand

And how this is still and why do you know the debate? Why are you what's your problem with it? Like what is the resistance to Black Lives Matter? How is it hurting you? Like what is it hindering in your life because they're taking from you? Well, because the right perpetuates all of these conspiracy theories and all of these lies about, oh, that leads to looting. And then everybody's you know, it's it doesn't lead to looting. That's like that's not a big part of the Black Lives Matter movement. those are extremists that are on the left or who knows where they are but those are extremists that's a small percentage of people so they use whatever excuse they want they can say well why don't black people are getting shot because they don't comply with the police punishment for not

complying with the police isn't getting shot nobody deserves to get murdered so like look at fucking kyle rittenhouse that little white asshole that went up and fucking and he was a white guy nobody shot his ass they calmly took him into custody i mean after he killed people i don't know how you how you argue the facts and the evidence in these scenarios where black people are disproportionately executed because republicans don't like the word disproportionately they think that doesn't make that you know they'll argue anything they say it's not true they have no facts to back up their data and the facts that they do get are usually fake because the right has all these like fake news things going on all the time when they call us fake news talk about

projecting anyway my blood pressure is going up anyone else who's dealing with this just to wrap that part up anyone else who's dealing with this or has to have those conversations i've had them if you have a racist family member your only choice is to stand your ground and make that decision that you will not engage that's it it's hard but you need to fucking do it well not engage or stand your ground because standing your ground i think does mean engaging to a degree like saying this is no longer acceptable to me like you this is not an acceptable dialogue that we are going to have you can present hey you can make this change and we will continue and if you don't you have to exit those relationships they're not going to provide you anything beneficial

like that sort of mindset is not okay yeah well i think a lot of people really struggle with exiting from their familial relationships well i'm for it see i don't have that issue that's why right Right. Right. Nor do I. So. But the thing I mean, she did say she was gone for four years. So in that four years when Trump was president, it's like these people were indoctrinated by the right wing media and these conspiracy theories. I mean, seriously, what is your problem with Black Lives Matter? People defending themselves peacefully is that they're convinced it's not peaceful, that everything is an architect of the left and, you know, and over liberal people. and we're allowing Black people to loot. Like, they form this narrative.

But if they have been convinced of this ideology, then they can be convinced of a different ideology. It can be unlearned, hopefully. Like, if they were gone for four years and they learned this. Exactly. So if you're swayed like that, then you can be unswayed, I would argue. I just never give up on people. You don't.

Everyone has the opportunity to change. When it comes to this topic, I don't give up on people. I will send you books. I will get no response. If you said something that I don't like that's sexist or racist, I will follow up and make sure that your views are changing. And if they're not, I won't give up until they do. Yeah, this is one area you are extremely patient. I have no patience or tolerance for it.

Like, I just can't have the conversation. But you do. And you will continue to have that as long as you see some sort of growth or challenge to their thoughts. Well, it's like even white guys who think they're progressive aren't. They think they are. Yeah. But they're still sexist and they're still racist. And it's true because it's not even it's not even your fault. You've internalized it. It's been passed down.

Yes. And it's been taught. And, you know, and we've been learning this our whole lives. So it's not your fault, but it is your fault if you don't do anything to correct it and to dismantle it. And I've noticed that, too. My friend who was like, oh, it's reverse discrimination with women now. It's like, what? Like, that's not the way you can think about that. We've been discriminated against since the beginning of time. So there's going to be a little lag room where we're going to get some advantages. I don't know how straight women are dealing with straight men. I don't know either. I mean, I'm going to. Yeah, we've already gone over this, but obviously I'm going to start fucking women. Oh, you know, I'm in full support of that. It really does turn me on when I see you

get so worked up over political issues and racism that like you will not back down like you and you are so impassioned by it when you're talking it's like oh like i could listen to you speak on the subject indefinitely i think you could listen to me speak about a lot of things i could you could read me the phone book oh sweetheart so romantic our next submission comes from marissa she's from connecticut she's 30 she says dear chelsea i'm currently in a gray area with a recovering alcoholic last october he got his second dui and has been clean sponsored and in therapy since i'm skeptical to remain with this person for fear that he may potentially relapse or like other addicts find a different addiction we were together for 10 years and the dui pushed me off the edge

he seemed determined to stay away from alcohol and i do still love this person should i walk away completely marissa marissa what's going on hi hi how are you i'm well thank you. How are you? I'm good. I like your lavender walls. Cute. Thank you. This is my office in my house. Nice. Cute. Thank you. So you've been with your guy for 10 years? Yeah. I mean, if you're counting right now, it's more like 10 and a half. Well, nobody's counting a half a year. So don't worry about that. So yeah, we had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last September. And a week after that the DUI happened so that's we've been in a kind of gray area ever since so has it been was that his first DUI or his second DUI that's that was the second DUI and when was the

first one that was early in the relationship it was either the first or second year we were dating okay so at least he went like nine years between the two right ideally he would never get another DUI again but right yeah what are the conditions of his drinking like is this like he's out for a night with his buddies and then just happens to get a DUI or does he have a problem? He has a problem. Of course, you could make the point that anytime there are consequences, that means the person has a problem. But you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, since the night of the second DUI, he has not drank. He recognizes that he does have a problem. He has taken steps to not drink and he has a sponsor. He's in therapy. So far, so good. I mean, but our relationship prior to that, like

a year prior, it was not well because he was just, he had always drank, but it just got to the point where it was sloppy, slurring, falling down the stairs just every night. And it was just embarrassing, like in front of his parents, two friends, family. It was just a lot to deal with. And how long has he been sober now? About six or seven months now, because it was last October. Right, right. So and have your feelings for him changed? I mean, they had changed a little bit even prior to the DUI, just because like with the alcohol and everything, I had kind of been like done. I would say I'm not really done at this point. If he could stay clean, if he could stay sober, then I feel like this relationship can be successful.

But I'm still skeptical because I mean, he's an addict, so I don't know. Addicts relapse. Addicts do relapse, but addicts also get clean and stay clean. And sometimes it takes a couple chances, you know? Right. And if you are willing to see it through, do you have children? I do not. Oh, well, there you go.

Total bonus round. So you don't have to fucking deal with that and those decisions related to your children. I mean, that already is like a victory lap. So pat yourself on the back for not having any children. I am. So that you don't have to tell them their dad got two DUIs when they're older. But I think you should give him another chance. I think your heart is in it, right?

You're just you were obviously it's not a beautiful turn on to see somebody wasted, slurring, falling down the steps. Right. But real love is kind of looking. That's not who he really is. Right. That's not who he is when he's wasted. Who he really is, is a different person. And it sounds like he's taking all the steps that he could possibly take to get there. Right. Right. I'm just worried, like if he gets a third DUI, like that's it.

He loses his license forever. I know, but you can't think about if he gets a third DUI. You have to think about supporting his sobriety and being there for him and him taking the steps on his own. You can't think about what if that's not going to be that's not helpful in moving forward. That's helpful in staying stuck. So you have to think positively and move forward positively like this is it. He's well and you take it one day at a time. He's going to meetings.

You know, that's that is the A.A. term. I know, sweetheart. I've been to A.A. meetings. I got to do I once, too. I had to go to A.A. meetings for that. But you know what? I didn't get a fucking second DUI. I got one when I was 21 and then I never got one again. And now I have a driver. So. So, yeah, I think you should stick it out. It sounds like you love him and you want to stick it out. And you're just kind of letting that narrative of what if control your attitude about the situation when you should flip that. and you and look at all the work he's done in six months and as long as he's staying serious about being sober then you should be serious about staying with him right yeah i'm glad to

hear you say that so and i knew that you yourself had just the one dui so i was curious as to what your opinion would be well like i think everybody can fuck up right they make mistakes but yeah making them multiple times is not hot so you kind of can just you have to you know it is hot people who change. Yeah, it's hot when people change. Yeah. And listen, you know, he's only in six months of sobriety. If he can do this for another two years, can you imagine where he's going to be in his life and how much more secure and self-assured he's going to be? And in turn, how secure you're going to be with the relationship once he's proven more time to be sober. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of addicts out there. So, you know, don't hold that against

him as long as he's trying. Yeah, he is. And you said that he's going to AA. And I know that they offer Al-Anon, which is for those affected by alcoholics. And I've been to a few of those meetings. And it was actually really insightful and helpful because it's such a process. And for me, my mentality, which it seems like you're kind of spicy. And so in that moment, you may be like, this is it, like the next one, we're done. And it is a process. So he may fall off the wagon again. and it's about how he's correcting those things so like we can't hold him to never making another mistake but how he's going to keep correcting those mistakes and hopefully you know they say the first year is the hardest and that's the largest margin of error and then after that

hopefully less and less and less and him having a drink and not getting drunk that's not something that you want but sometimes people can catch themselves in their addiction like oh shit I really should not have done that it broke their sobriety but they know like I need to stay on track I need to get back to a meeting I need to do these things so you being there to support him could really make a world of difference in how he continues you know on his sobriety right and this time it is a little bit different because after the first DUI he still drank afterwards and now he has stopped and he never once said after the first DUI I'm done I have a problem I'm gonna stop and now he has so well it's almost like we need to kind of forget the first DUI because he

was 20 years old like that's you know everyone fucks up at that age now at 30 hopefully he's thinking like this is not how I want to enter my third decade like as a fucking drunk getting a DUI like I'm not in a frat anymore like I need to get it together does he know does he sense your ambivalence a little bit he does and he did prior to the DUI too because um his parents actually saw him on a sloppy day his mom pulled me aside and asked me if he get this way often and I was like I'm glad you saw this yes he does so I mean I don't know I think he has a great support system I'm with him his parents they saw him at his worst and they support him as well and they want him to get better I want him to get better so can I ask was this a decision that he made

himself after the DUI or was it an ultimatum from those around him did he know that he wanted to be sober he did yeah he made the decision himself and I think he realized how much of a fuck up it was Because I had told him that night I was like, I'll be I'll support you, but I don't want to be with you right now. Like, I'll be your friend. And we haven't really had too much of a together discussion since then. But we do still live together. It's kind of like business as usual around here. Well, I think you should also start talking to him a little bit more like about your relationship and about the status of your relationship and say, like, I really do. you have to let go of the past a little bit, you know what I mean? And live in the present moment and forget about his first DUI. Just focus on what's happening now, which is his sobriety.

Right. And you want to be there to support him. And you want to reassure him that like you love this part of him. You love that he's trying to stay sober. You love that he's making the effort that he's got a sponsor. And these are all the reasons why you're still here and that you do want to make this work. Don't be afraid to communicate. People need it. People need to be loved and hear that they're loved, especially when they're going through this. You know, he's probably so scared of losing you well and embracing the change in the future with him rather than holding on to the past where he always feels like oh i have to i have to take accountability for it but that doesn't allow for much growth when you're constantly looking back

at the mistakes that you've made i think it's kind of about setting the intention for the future and what that life could look like together while he's sober and that's going to be much more of a reason for him to continue to stay sober right chelsea when you had your dui did you have a huge support system? Like your friends and family? Were they supportive? Yeah, I mean, no one took it that seriously. Because I was so young. And I was just a party animal, right? Like, so everyone's like, oh, I can't believe it took this long for her to get a DUI. Like, obviously, that was gonna happen. And my DUI story was a hot mess. Because my mom had given me my sister's ID to get a fake ID when I moved to California. And my sister and my mom were both Mormon, right? They both my mom was

mormon and then she converted my sister and so when i moved to california i was 19 and i asked my mom for shoshana's id and my mom gave it to me and to to go to so that i could party my mom's like listen this is chelsea she needs to party like go here like anything to get me out of new jersey they're like you can have whatever you want anyway when i got pulled over i gave them my sister's id so it was it turned into this entire like it turned into me impersonating somebody else so it took like a DUI and made it 10 times worse than a DUI because I was you know drunk and I called the cop racist meanwhile we were both white but he was probably racist anyway because anyway so yeah they were supportive I had to go to DUI class for many many weeks

but my family was very supportive my mom was actually really upset with my sister for getting so upset and and when she found out I was impersonating her she filed charges like with the FBI or something. And so my family actually got mad at my sister. But that's also just an that's just our dysfunctional family. And and the fact that I was so manipulative. But, you know, I never I don't do that. You know, I'm not like that. And I learned my lesson. And, you know, it was a young time to learn my lesson. But I did. And I was like, it's not really about you driving drunk. It's about you're putting other people, innocent people's lives at danger by It's not about, oh, are you OK?

Are you OK to drive? It's like, are other people OK on the road? You know, and what if something else happens? What if somebody has an accident and you don't have your wits about you? And then you make the accident, you know, you compound that 10 times. Meanwhile, I drive with you. So I know you drunk driving is probably not really terrifying. Me sober driving is pretty aggressive.

So drunk driving is out of my repertoire now. But I did learn my lesson. And I do believe people change. I know that I've changed myself. And so, yeah, so I think we're good. I think you're going to be okay, Marissa. And I think your relationship is going to be okay. I believe in him. Okay. Thank you so much, Chelsea. And don't forget to communicate. Talk to him about it, right? Don't make it his own thing or his own burden. Be there with him. Not like his only support. You don't want to be his strongest ballast. I mean, you can be, but you want to

just make sure he knows like, yeah, you're in this because your tentativeness can also trigger his behavior. Right. So you just want to be open about what you're feeling and what you're thinking, even if it's sometimes unpleasant to say, just be like, I'm here. I want this to work. Yada, yada, yada. Okay. Okay. I appreciate your opinion. Thank you so much. Oh, you're so welcome, Marissa. Have a great day. Thank you. You as well. Bye. That sounded, that sounded like he's got very sound advice. It sounded like he's going to get his shit together. I believe people get their it together well hopefully some people do you know if not we'll hear about it i'm sure our next mission comes from marie from ohio she's 21 she's a baby oh that's cute she writes dear

chelsea me and my boyfriend have been together for five years and are looking to get engaged soon i'm 21 and he's 20 and we are entirely ready to start our lives together and this past year has tested us we moved in together despite his entire family advising us not to because of their religion I thought it would be a good trial run to see if we worked together. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences, and he truly is my best friend. His family is not too keen on us looking to get engaged, but we are ready to start this next chapter of our lives. His aunt sent us a Christmas card saying something along the lines of, I hope one day you're

kind enough to explain your thought process on why you thought it was a good idea to move in together without being married. What a bitch. Not only am I terrified to have this conversation, but I'm terrified to tell them that him and I've actually sinned together. I'm assuming that means had sex. How do I work my way around this without coming off like a bitch? I love their nephew, son, cousin, and religion obviously doesn't stand in my way, but I don't want to offend anyone and then become that family member that everyone doesn't want at the Christmas party. Help me. I love everything you do and I'm proud of

you. Oh, hi, Marie. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm good. Okay, so you moved in with your boyfriend you guys have been together since you were 16 do you see how quickly i did that yeah very quick rain man and you've been in with no one else since you were 16 yeah okay and you really love him and you want to marry him yes he's my best friend he's everything that i've looked for in my life and i'm sorry someone's calling oh that's joe coy how annoying hold on sorry about that no you're okay i love him oh you do yes i'm filipino too oh actually then let's get him on the phone hey joe oh you're doing the pod yeah but i'm talking to somebody who's filipino and i said oh joe coy's calling and she said can you see him oh no here he is say hi hi she said she was

filipino and i was like oh that's joe coy so annoying i wish you would stop calling me and And she's like, oh, I love Joe Korn. I was like, oh, well, then I'll answer. He's so cute. He's my favorite. Yeah, we're doing the podcast. I have to call you. I have to.

Joe, are you getting into drag? Kill you. All right. We'll call you back, Joe. We'll call you back. OK, bye. He gets upset if I don't say I love you at the end of the phone call. I'm like, I'm not your fucking girlfriend, but I have to say it.

Otherwise, I'll call back. So, OK, back to you, Marie. Let's talk about this. first of all, you love him. You're going to be with him. I think you're way too young to be with someone to get married, but listen, I get it. If you love somebody and your heart is set on it, then there's nothing you can do to change that person's mind. And I would like to support that. So that's the thing. I've never like wanted marriage in my life. Like I just don't, I don't think you need labels or anything, but with his family, like pushing marriage before

anything, like I can't even go on their family vacations without being married. I can't stay the night at his like his family's house without being married stuff like that so that's why i'm like okay so marriage is next for us even though like i don't like labels i think marriage is just a construct honestly yeah well i wouldn't get married for his family right i mean that's not the reason to get married because his family's a bunch of right-wing radical religious assholes you know that's that's what gets to be every time the religion tied to the republicanism it's like really that's that's anyway so Brandon what do you think because I can already feel my vagina clenching up from talking about this like I just I love that you love him so much but this I have

all sisters younger than me there's so much life ahead of you and when you're with someone from that young age it is very easy to have tunnel vision on that person and I am never someone who would want to enter someone with the idea that divorce is always an option enter someone and she's not talking about enter something oh well we'll see bring that into it she can't even enter each other when they're at the family's house well there's a workaround because they've sinned together isn't that right yes just never in the presence of anyone else so i would encourage you if i were giving this advice to my sister is to stay with him you know be happy form that relationship you guys are both still babies and it doesn't seem like that because you're like no

but we've been together for five years there's you have so much life ahead of you that you're going to change and evolve and hopefully you can do that together but getting married to solve an issue with his family is not the solution it's possible like resentment building later because that's almost like indoctrinating you right you're adhering to their rules for their system of rules and you have your own set of rules you're an individual you seem like a smart like sharp young lady and based on what you said the label does not make the relationship and so you can't let someone force you into a situation where you feel like you have to do something if your relationship is happy and healthy as it is right now as a couple you guys should be able to find a

way to keep that momentum going without the influence of outside sources making you feel like you need to operate in a certain way look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell yeah look at them They've been together for so long and they're still boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah, I see them a lot. And they are, they are, yeah, they love each other and they have a hot, fiery relationship. And yeah, they've never been married. That's probably why they're still together. Definitely.

So I would never want someone to feel like they're forcing you into a situation or that's a situation you have to accept. Like, I just look at you and I just see it like my little sister. And it's just not, it's not okay to force women into this sort of position where even though you love him and I'm sure would be happy to be married, it's not really a choice you would make based on what you said on your own intention yeah yeah and i guess you know it's up to him to see figure out how he wants to deal with his family and family vacations but you know i would i like tough love that's my i like just going sorry neither of us are coming then you

know like we're fucking adults we're 21 years old at this point you can't i mean they're they probably are still thinking of you since you've been together for five years as little kids too They're not seeing your evolution or maturity necessarily because they're so stuck in their own ideas of you. And there's a way to respectfully communicate these things that that you are adults and that you are finding a way to make your relationship work for you, too, and that you don't have to answer to his aunt or his uncle or his parents anymore. If you guys are financially independent from them and able to maintain your life together, that's all that matters. You don't like they can either get on board or not, and hopefully they want to see you happy and will get on board. But if not, you guys also have to be OK with that. Yeah, that's the tough part that you're a unit and now you guys are your own family, essentially.

Yeah, you could be like it's a package deal. You either get both of us or you get none of us. What is he what does he think about this? What does he think about his family? So he just went home. We live like an hour and a half away from home. So we don't get to see everyone that often. Sounds like that's a good plan.

Yes. And that's why things have been like kind of spiraling because I feel like they think everything's happening so fast. But like in reality, we've just been like living our own lives apart from them. And then that's when we get the Christmas card from his aunt. But he is in the same boat I am. He's just like, I hate that my family thinks like this. I wish they didn't think like this.

I wish they took me more seriously because I think everything that we do or say is just like, Oh, you're a little young. You're a little young. You don't know much yet. You know what I mean? Like kind of pushing that faith back onto him, even though from a young age, she's shown that there's definitely a divide there. Well, but I think you're, I feel like you're saying two different things though. Like you're saying you're too, like if you take the marriage off the table, right. Take that off. There's no reason you need to get married. Especially if it's for his family and you're 21. So like, you know, I understand you love him and everything, but why not wait another five years till you're 25. Then you'll know for fucking sure. Right? There's so

many things that haven't happened to you yet. And I know you're not interested in hearing that because you're in love. And I get that. But there are just so many things that happen to our brain as we evolve as human beings, as girls and boys, we develop differently, our brains develop differently, our brains aren't even fully formed until we're like 26 years old for boys. And some girls like there's some things that aren't connected, you know, until we're in our 20s. so it's important to give yourself the time to not put yourself in a situation like that I believe and especially not for his family so I think there's a nice conversation you guys can have with them if you can agree to say like this this is the deal we've been together a long time

if you guys can't like understand that we're together like you know maybe if you take out the marriage thing or explain to them like the only reason we would get married is so that we can sleep together at our, when we're on vacation. Is that what you guys want us to do? You know? Yeah, that's true. It's just, it's hard to, because they think we have a lot of faith in our lives. We just have never had that conversation with them yet that we are not following their footsteps. We are not going to church every Sunday. We are not praying before bed. So I think that's another situation that makes us very uncomfortable. Well, then you need to have that conversation, though, you know, those uncomfortable conversations are important to have. It doesn't

have to be cantankerous either. You know, you don't have to be yelling and screaming. You just have to say, listen, like the world is changing. You know, religion isn't what it used to be. It's certainly not for us. We're not doing these things. So us having to subscribe to your idea of what we should be is completely an unfair way for us to live. Write that down. That was I love the way you put that. Yeah. That was really good. Well, it's an audio recording, so I can just listen back to it. Okay, we'll listen to this and then write it down. Yeah, so I think that's what you should say.

That's good, actually. Yeah, that was very helpful. Thank you. All right, Marie. So let us know what happens, okay? I totally will. After you've spoken to them at some point. I will.

Okay. Thank you. Okay. Bye. I really like Marie. I just don't think she's at the age to get married. No, but she's going to get married. So there's nothing you can do about it.

But yeah, I mean, 21, getting married at 21. When you look at your life, and if you're not in your own life, it just seems idiotic. It is like the first part of your life. There are like 50 parts of life. Well, maybe, I guess let's say 20 is one part, 20 to 40 is another part, 40 to 60 is a third part. But when people are in love, they want to be together. They don't see the macro. They see the micro.

Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that for her, that she's found someone she wants to be with. Yeah, that's nice. I just think of my sisters during that age. And it's just there's so much development that happens personally between 21 and 30. Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's that's it's hard. I have a niece that lives with her boyfriend and she's going to get married probably before any of us are ready. But, you know, we just have to suck it up and let people live their own lives. Although, you know, if you're calling in to get advice and we're going to hopefully help you live a different life or or take a step of bravery. But that whole situation is just, you know, she's got to deal with multiple components, religion being the most annoying one.

All right. Well, we have more to cover, but let's take a quick break. Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files.

I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them.

They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve

the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your

podcasts see you between the pages hey this is hayes davenport and sean clements we host the podcast hollywood handbook on the big money players network our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners each week we talk to someone in show business aka the biz and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can you help me shape this yeah how about we flip it on his head right how about we flip the script okay what if the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott this entire time

you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that seems like if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like they're like oh it's so stupid everyone's so dumb except for you fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care

about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode but he's just so busy listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle i chose option b i'm julie pinero and i travel by myself because it's a rare space where i can say yes without asking anyone else first i'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people

and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're just breaking up families left and right. It's like if you want to break up with somebody, please write in or call us because we can

help you do it. We can help you set boundaries, break up. If you need to lose a family member, a partner, a friend. You want to break up with your spouse, a friend, a family member. No, no breakup is off limits. It's our real house. I err on the side of really just telling everyone to go fuck themselves. you're a little bit more diplomatic although with your mother you're very harsh i mean i but i get

it i get it i respect did you watch the gypsy rose hulu with patricia arquette yeah yeah yeah again that is very reminiscent of my mom who like made us believe things were going on that were not going on that there were dynamics being built i mean she's just fucking nuts i love her i do and that's the moral of the story is you can love someone from afar and want the best for them and not interact with them i also religion is just so annoying when people are so religious that they try that they expect other people to follow that religion it's just like that's the opposite of what religion is is like loving all human beings no matter what they believe in or what they think as long as they're kind and not discriminatory i understand i don't understand it's filtered

through and like people just pick what they want from it what whatever is convenient to their narrative is what they'll choose when i was in high school and the pastor who i went to church every sunday and i remember there never being any like scripture present or any sermon about adultery because he was constantly cheating on his wife so it's like that type of shit it's like oh my god it's just so annoying and my time there's any sort of sanctimony or righteousness self-righteousness, it's always, right? Like it's always because it's like they're not practicing what they're preaching at all. And no, I just have, so the straw that broke my back with religion and I grew up going

on mission trips and I think that there is something like, I like the idea of going to church for the fundamentals, treat your neighbor how you would want to be treated. And again, that's like what people do not practice unless it's convenient to them. but when uh we moved here i made levi go to a church it was called mosaic and it's in like the center of kind of like hollywood and it's very like it's a young group it's quote unquote like cool and levi did not grow up in church so he did not want to go i made him go made him do the donation the whole bit and he was like fucking annoyed he got home because he's like okay the music was fine he's like if this is something you're really serious about like i will go with

you on sundays that's nice yeah it was great i would never do that for a partner he so then he started researching it the pastor who does the sermons for a very diverse congregation so like a lot of lgbt people a lot of people of color there were some trans people there was listed on like joel olstein's top southern baptist preachers and had a sermon where he basically said that god's gift was aids to eliminate gay people and i'm like how can you be the pastor of a congregation and be, you know, very persistent about making a donation with gay people in the audience and then simultaneously be going and doing these sermons, basically saying like we should all be wiped out. I mean, it's just it's so convoluted. Religion is very opportunistic.

I know. I know. It's upsetting, too, because it's the root of all it's the root of all war and discrimination, you know, religion, persecution. It's just religious persecution, all of it. You know, it's very hard. All you want is to be loving and accept people and have compassion. And that can't, Christianity cannot involve you saying you don't like the Black Lives Matter movement. You can't be a Christian and say that you have a problem with that. How is that Christian? People defending themselves peacefully, protesting peacefully, saying we want to be treated equally. We don't feel like we're being treated equally. When somebody says they don't feel like they're being treated equally it's not your decision to tell them yes you are well people

just love to take up an opposition as well as what i found when there's a cause going on if it isn't inclusive to them in the way that it's not about them they'll take an opposition so because it's black lives matter they're just like well i'm white i'm not included in this well you fucking could be you could be out there marching with your black and brown counterparts and showing support but because it's not about you you take the opposition you take whatever stance is not what to me i guess black lives matter because of where we are is the popular movement it is like people should be involved in being inclusive but i know it's not everywhere in america i i have a thing with men where like sometimes i think men are hopeless because of the behavior they've

demonstrated for the last 5 000 years but i have a thing with women like i don't get how a woman could not a mother someone who's a parent and a mother ever be okay with anyone else's child being shot in a school or being shot by police you know i don't understand how mothers can't get behind that like oh my god your child was stolen from you because people are so self-involved they don't see their children in those other kids right that's right they don't see that they think that's separate right that's not their kids like that's that's a non-issue for them because it's not going to happen in their all white school like that's they don't associate that with their lives that is the other that's not my problem when i say school shootings i just bring that up

because it's a republican thing i don't mean that's the same you know it's not the same thing as black lives matter but it's two republican things you know not having a problem with black lives matter and thinking that it's okay for mass shootings to happen in in schools all the time it's okay to live in a country where it's essentially a war zone that's republican and that's why we don't have kids that's why we're not republicans these i'm i'm getting tired today i'm really gonna need a margarita we're getting one so don't worry about that sweetheart i just don't want that girl to get married well i don't want her to get married either but you know like that's very difficult because i don't want a 21 year old girl to get married like you don't even

know what's gonna happen in 10 years like what you're gonna be into you don't realize how young you're 21 i thought i fucking knew everything i'm like i am an adult there is nothing anyone can tell me and now i look back at that i was like i was so naive to what life really looks like i still feel like a baby sometimes i'm 31 well at 21 i was king i once keyed my ex-boyfriend's car because he we broke up and then i got drunk went over to his house and opened the door i had a key to his house and there was a woman in his bed and then i ran out and i keyed his car that's what i was doing when i was 21 you know i haven't keyed somebody's car in a really long time months i should keep my bell's car so you just have to buy her a new one so it'd really just be

another expense well we covered racism we covered religion we covered addiction kind of yeah yeah wow heavy topics much heavier than i anticipated this podcast is a little bit heavier than I had anticipated it would be. Luckily, there are personal stories to weave through to keep it light. But I mean, I wasn't expecting this level of seriousness, but I welcome it and I welcome a challenge and I want to help people and I love everybody who's written in and I really want to support you. So we're just going to keep it moving and keep it rolling and just accept whatever comes our way. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows we're going to be announcing dates as we go you can buy tickets at Ticketmaster

for my shows I'll be playing my next big show I'm at the Santa Barbara Bowl August 21st so you can come see me there and then I have all the other cities that I have already released and tickets are available and I can't fucking wait it's called vaccinated and horny so make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then keep them to yourself please do you or someone you know need advice on any subject literally anything you can send your submission to dear chelsea project at gmail.com assalamu alaikum bye bye i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files.

Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride

and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you hear the new episode of the hey jonas podcast we are at d23 so we'll see who stops by the cast of frozen stopped by kristin bell josh gad and adina menzel i auditioned for frozen what for kristoff they said okay what are you going to be singing today i said i don't know that must have been why you didn't get it oh you probably want plus john stamos hayden christiansen from star wars and

more and i guess i can share that uh no way listen to the latest episode of hey jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook. Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman adam scott danny mcbride ben stiller and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts this is an iheart podcast guaranteed human