Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Try Harder with Matteo Lane

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Comic Matteo Lane joins Chelsea in NYC to talk about his love of ghost hunters, why he never wants to graduate from comedy, and the absolute worst thing you can do to a lasagna.  Then: A dinner party disaster causes a rift in a friendship.  A gay man struggles to enjoy the backdoor.  And a newlywed agonizes over her mother-in-law’s drunken antics - which ruined her wedding. * Check out Matteo’s new Advice Special here. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy.

Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, Happy New Year, everybody. It's 2023. Happy 2023. Whoever thought we'd make it this far?

Oh, my God. I did. I did. I'm so excited about 2023, only because of my Asterian astrologist. What are you looking forward to? Oh, just life, you know, all of the things. What are you looking forward to in 2023, Catherine? Oh, I am looking forward to doing a lot of hiking this year.

I'm very excited. We just moved. We're right at the base of the mountains, and I'm ready to get after it. Wow, hiking. Good for you, Catherine. I am not looking forward to hiking this year. That is not something that I am thinking about at all. So I'm glad that you brought that up.

You like to go downhill very fast on skis, not uphill, right? Exactly. That's right. I like to go downhill. That's what I've discovered about myself. But speaking of which, you've been in Whistler, which is your happy place. Yes. Yes, I am. But I'm home now because I have to come home to do some press for my special Revolution, which is out on Netflix. Yeah. And I'm doing press for that. And then I'm hosting the Critics' Choice Awards next week. So I'm here in town for a while. I had leave my happy place, which I'm not normally accustomed to doing in the wintertime. I like to go for winter, but you know, that's okay. I have to work because I want to work. Our guest

today is a really funny comedian and he is going to make you laugh. And you can watch his advice special on YouTube. It's called, well, it's called the advice special and it's on YouTube and it's Mateo Lane is the page. So he's got mad skills. He's got tons of different skills. I mean, he speaks a bunch of different languages he's an artist he's like a chef he's hot he's gay and he sings opera so suck on that Mateo Lane is here everybody and if you don't know who he is you need to find out because you need to follow him on Instagram this is a very talented comedian he's a flaming homosexual and I say that because yeah well you can't see him but you can't see what he's doing but I say that because he is one and he is so talented actually you know what he

did for me recently Catherine I haven't told this story yet it was Gwyneth Paltrow's 50th birthday this year so her assistant Kevin had reached out to everyone asking for a sketch of how we see Gwyneth to draw something of how we see Gwyneth and I'm like that's like asking me to pump breast milk. I was like, what? And I remember that Matteo is not a cartoonist. I was an oil painter and fashion illustrator for years, like TV commercials and fashion ads and stuff. It was how I moved to New York. That's so cool. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, from the Midwest. Where are you from? Chicago. Yeah, Chicago. You're from Arlington Heights specifically. My husband is from Palatine. Is he? Yeah. What high school did he go to? He went to Palatine High School. Okay,

work. Awesome. Yeah. And I am from Oswego, Illinois. Oswego. I've heard of Oswego. Is that from a movie, Oswego, Illinois? Well, there's an Oswego, New York, and then an Oswego, Illinois, maybe. Sounds like a Greek food. Yeah. It sounds like a yeast infection. Yeah. I was based out of Chicago last week, a couple of weekends ago, because I had four shows in like Rosemont, then Rockford, then Minneapolis, and then some other cities. So I was just like, i'm so at the end of my rope with my tour in terms of energy sucks so we just based ourself out of chicago and just flew each time to wherever i drove because one place was like a half hour away because i'd already done the city of chicago so we spent four days in chicago and i was

so fucking happy i was so happy in my hotel room i was acting like a like a little big girl like i had finally had my because i i just need compact things so i had this beautiful hotel room but i was treating it like I had just become an adult and I was organizing my underwear and my socks in the drawers I was like you're here for four nights get comfortable yeah pack your bags and and then I was organizing my medications and my makeup and I was like oh my god you're like it's like you have a dollhouse and you're playing home yeah and then I realized Amy Schumer was at the Chicago theater the same night because we were texting one morning and she's like oh are you in Chicago I'm like are you in Chicago and of course we were like two ships in the night so a lot of

comedy comes out of Chicago people and we have the person here to prove it Mateo Lane so I was introduced to Mateo I don't know a year ago maybe probably a little bit more than a year ago and I'm in love with you and everyone who meets you is in love with you because you're just such a joy and such a gift and I can't wait for the whole world to fucking find out about this person but I forgot to tell you or maybe I did tell you that Gwyneth texted me and she was like Yelsey that's what she calls me she goes I can't believe that you drew this this is amazing and I was like I said Esther that's what I call her I go Esther I have to be honest I I did not draw that I had a friend do it for me because this was a an assignment that was way outside of my wheelhouse

but anyway Matteo tell us about yourself I want to know okay so you moved here to become what you said earlier I don't want to butcher it you moved here to well I wasn't I mean I started doing comedy in Chicago probably like 12 years ago. At Zany's? Actually, the first show I did was in a gay club. What a surprise.

No, I'm sorry. Actually, the first time I did it was in a bar and 34 members of my family came to watch me do Three Minutes. He's from a big Italian family. Are they in the mafia? I love that.

My grandma's family probably was. Yeah. But not anymore. Just like nice Italians. Yeah, sometimes you outgrow the mafia, I think, right? I think you have to. Otherwise, you're all in prison.

Yeah. I did three minutes on Marty DeRosa's show. He ran some show where the whole point of the show was like you would win like sex toys or something. I don't know. But it was a really fun show. I did three minutes and I think I was just impersonating Kathy Griffin because that's all I knew of stand up at that time. And I had a great time. It was fun. I was addicted immediately. Yeah. Well, you put out so much material. I mean, you love to get on stage, right? I do. I was just talking to a comic the other day about this, where it's like, when you start in comedy, you feel like the community is huge. And then slowly but surely, everyone sort of peels off into their own world, like some become writers or producers, and they eventually give up comedy, and you're just left with, oh, God, it's just me and three other people I remember at Open Mic still doing stand-up in a weird way, you know? And I really love doing stand-up. Like, I love being on stage. I love writing jokes. I love the lifestyle. I love the comedians.

I love the cellar table. I love everything. I'm obsessed with it. I love all of it. There's not a part of me that's like, I'm doing this until I get a TV show. I'm very happy to be known as a comedian. Oh, that's interesting. Because I would definitely say that I'm the opposite.

When I was starting out, I was like, I'm doing this until I get a TV show. And then I was like, oh, I'll continue to do it. And then I burnt myself out so hard that I had to take a break from it because I just went so hard. And, like, with the show, with writing books, with them being on tour, I don't even know how I did it when I think about that. I don't know how you did it because I'm exhausted without having a TV show. And you had a TV show four days, five days a week? How many times did you guys film? Well, yeah, four nights a week we had it.

So you had four. I was an open mic-er then, but my dream was to be on a Chelsea Handler panel. Oh, well, it's still going to happen. We're going to bring a TV show back and you're going to be on the panel. Oh, my God. I don't want to, like, blow smoke up your ass the whole time. Don't. Please don't. Skip it. Nobody needs to hear that. Skipped. Well, let's blow smoke up your ass, okay?

Great. And many other things. Yeah, exactly. Let's get your asshole primed and ready. Excuse me, listeners, okay? We're going to get graphic here. But how many languages do you speak, Mateo? The way I speak English, I speak Italian. Spanish, really proficient. I mean, if you don't speak Spanish, I'm fluent. If you speak Spanish, you're like, wow, he's really good. Even though I have an Italian accent, I sound like Mario and Luigi. Okay. And French and then some German.

Okay, some German. So like five-ish in that world. German is a tricky language for me because I'm a Jew. So that hurts my ears a little bit. I'm still not down with it. It hurts anyone's ears, to be perfectly honest with you. They were like, I was doing this citizen thing because you can get citizenship. You know, like I have a house in Spain so I can get Spanish residency.

But because my mother was a German who fled from the war after the war, I'm able to get German citizenship. So we've been working like my assistant has been working with this like customs attorney or immigration attorney for a couple of years to get my German citizenship. And then when we all came down to it, I was like, OK, Canada, Spain. I just always want some exit strategy just in case Donald Trump Jr. becomes elected one day. But by the way, and then finally, the other day I'm at the Spanish consulate with my assistant. And we're like, he has to come with me to the appointment because I'm so useless by myself. And we're sitting there. And then he goes, OK, so for your German citizenship.

And I was like, do I really want a German citizenship? And he's like, well, I think you do. And I'm like, I don't know. I just don't know. Well, Berlin's a very cool international city. They seem to have repented. They have definitely repented. Yeah.

They take accountability for what the hell happened. And when you go to Berlin, on every corner, there is a memorial talking about what happened in the Holocaust. And there are terrible, horrifying museums that everyone should have to go to to understand exactly what did happen and those atrocities. Actually, I had a girlfriend that just came back, Jamie Makeup, Jamie Greenberg. She came back from her Israel birthright trip. And it was so funny. She's like, you know, there's only 15 million Jews in the world. And I was like, what?

I go, that's not right. 15 million. And she's like, yeah, Chelsea. And then I Googled it. And I was like, oh, my God, that is scary. I mean, that's why Jewish people have to say to everybody, anytime they say anything, shut up. That is not a lot of people.

No, that's not a lot of people at all. I think the population of Italy is like 80 million, and that's considered a small country. And you just came back from Italy again. Do you go there pretty often now? Probably like four times a year. How fun is that? I know. It's great.

I have like a whole group of friends there that I hang out with. Really? We have three-hour dinners, and I roll cigarettes, even though I don't know how to, and just do passeggiato and I'll do shows in Italian with Francesco Di Carlo who's like a great Italian comedian. And I, like you, want to find a house in Rome. I want to live in Italy for a little bit.

Oh, you will. You totally will. That's so cool. Yeah, yeah. And so how do you have to switch it up? Do you have to switch it up because it's a different language? I mean... Yeah, because one time, the first time I went to Italy

and I tried to just translate without writing any new jokes, I was an idiot. I had this joke, like an old joke of mine about how I went to Starbucks and they asked for my name and I said it was Matteo and she turned around and made my drink and she literally wrote potato. And my thought process was like, okay, when you hear potato,

you stop writing on the cup. That is when you say, I'm sorry, it's been a long day. What is your name? So I was like, I'll just say that. So I started saying it in Italian. I was in Florence, I think. And I was like,

I was like, oh, they don't rhyme in Italian. Also, they don't have Starbucks in Italy, so they don't even know what I'm talking about. And just a bunch of stares. And then I quickly turned into an 80s comic and I was like, the difference between Americans and Italians are like the most hack shit in Italian. But I was just like, wow, I was not prepared for the fact that I can't do any of my British bake-off jokes. You know what I mean? Like, I have to figure this out. But what I find interesting about Italian audiences is that they all clap instead of laugh, really.

They just sort of clap. And I'm like, I don't know if they're being really polite or they're trying to acknowledge they understand me. But there's a lot of clapping going on and I'm going to need more laughing. Yeah, it sounds more like the Olympics. It does. Like holding up 7.8. Yeah, when they're at the end where they dismount off of the thing. They're like, choo-choo-choo-choo-choo, like clapping.

Yeah. Although if they were laughing at the Olympics, that would be really fucked up. Especially after how hard those people have worked. So you go to Rome and you hang out. Like, what do you go for? Two weeks? Three weeks? Like, how long were you here this past time?

I was there for a week. I brought my guy Chris, Chris Couser, who does all my social media stuff. And we did this whole beautiful documentary of my life in Rome. And we put it up on my YouTube page. And we're going to have different episodes. I cooked with this chef Luciano. He showed us how to make carbonara. And we had my friend Elena show us how to make risotto lo zafferone and all this fun cooking stuff.

And I had a fucking blast. Oh, my God. What a life. You're totally going to have a place there. I hope so. I need to find an Italian husband is what I would like. Well, what's the gay scene in Italy? Do people get married there or do they just date?

Like New York, the gay scene is, I think, well, LA. Yeah, it's very chaotic. I mean, I feel like Midwestern, I mean, I feel like it's true for all stereotypes for parts of the country. Like it feels like Midwestern gays are a lot calmer than either coast of gays. And LA gays are just, it's too much. It's too much. They're so, not too gay, they're too mean to each other. there's a lot of it's all about the way you look it's all about what you have to offer and it's all

about your standing in society it's brutal yeah it would be like it would be like living in a lucky charms box that's judging you i mean that's sort of how i view west hollywood but you know to tell you the truth i don't know i've been so since doing stand-up i have been in a way so removed from like gay nightlife which is not the only way gays go out obviously but like they're I'm just saying, like, stereotypically speaking, like, gays who go out and go to clubs and go to stuff, all I do is stand up and hang out with comics. And I did find that my self-esteem's a little better because I do find, like, if I walk into a club, my first thought was, how do I look? Do I look good enough? Are they judging me?

Like, there's just, it's a lot of my insecurities come up, not that it's actually happening. But if I walk into the comedy cellar, I know they respect me for my intellect. And we're going to sit down and we're going to get messy and we're going to talk and me and Keith Robinson are going to scream at each other and, like, have a fun time. So now to tell you the truth, like, I don't even know how to go out in the gay scene anymore. Like, I can't tell if I'm feeling left out or if I've purposed. I don't know what. I'm, like, in this weird—I live like a straight comic in a way.

Do you know what I mean? Well, I think that's—I mean, you raise an interesting point because I think stand-up really calcifies a different set of confidence. Like, you have so much more to offer. so you start identifying or when you're going to label yourself that becomes like the first label instead of the second or the third when you're stand up and that's your whole life and that's what you're known for i think your identity it's like i remember growing up i didn't want to ever be just thought of as a dumb blonde right you know i wanted people to take me seriously like

now people take me a little too seriously you know what i mean like i'm like wait no i'm but i'm cute too like no i'm not scary everyone's like she's scary and i'm like wait i want to be that blonde again that wasn't that bright you know like or or loud or whatever but i think that um stand-up cultivates yeah you're just confident i mean it's badass to get up there and fucking by yourself with a microphone it is it's and now i'm so comfortable with it do you ever get that feeling where like you're walking out and there's thousands of people waiting for you and you're like oh what am i gonna have for dinner tonight like you know what i mean like it's so normal now, which is good. I think that's the best performance

comes from it being completely normal on stage. I don't think nervous energy, that always, audiences pick up on if the comic is nervous, so to speak. But, yeah, I don't know. I think audiences pick up when a comic is nervous. I think so, for sure. It's like an owner who's carrying their dog

and they say the dog can feel if you're nervous. Like, they tense when you get tense. Yeah, of course. It's hard to see someone nervous. Like, it's not a pleasant feeling. Nobody enjoys that. No. Mateo can also sing opera, by the way. He's an opera singer.

I mean, what can't you do? Date. That's about it. We're going to find you a date on this podcast. We've hooked up a lot of people on this podcast. Yes, we actually have. Yes. Oh, you guys, we should set me up then.

I'm looking for a hot man that hates me. And specifically, people who wrote in being like, I loved his intellect when I heard him on the podcast, because obviously they can't see anybody. They're just like, can you send my Instagram to him? this was a previous previous guest but we can definitely yeah i mean if you're into mateo first of all dm him right that's a good way to be dating people but also yeah if you're listening to this because obviously we have no straight men listening to this if you have um if you're listening to this

and you think what kind of guy tell me about what kind of guy you think you're looking for because i've been around you and i've seen you with a couple of different guys and it's hard to pinpoint a type which i can recognize in myself i also don't have a type right i'm the the older I get I'm sort of more interested in someone who's gonna make me laugh yeah I mean I know that sounds so dumb but it is true I'm sort of over like my insecure 20s where I think I need someone hot to validate me in any kind of way like I'm really just sort of interested like does this person have anything interesting to talk about yeah and also I think when you're a comic and you're already in like innately funny person I don't think that it necessarily you don't

need someone actually to make you laugh you need somebody who gets the joke yes like you don't have to make the joke but you have to be in on the joke and you can't not get the joke right because that's a turn off because it's the worst when you're when you really do have something funny and you say it to your partner and they stare at you and you think damn it i wish i was with other comics or my friend yeah i i sometimes i see relationships of people gay couples and they travel with each other and they're with each other and they're best friends and it's so foreign to me I've not had that experience yet in terms of dating where like the person's legitimately my partner or best friend so yeah I do feel quite independent that way like I don't know I also

now I'm so independent I don't know how I would customize my life for somebody else yeah but that always works itself out when you want it to when you're really into somebody you make compromises you know you're like into them and so that that isn't why is this bouncing up and down it's like reverberating just from this I have a screen over my microphone you guys and it's just been vibrating all morning and I'm not even touching it. It's my, it's my mouth. My mouth is so powerful that it's forceful. Oh God. Yeah. Such a forceful mouth. But also somebody who takes themselves too seriously is a hot, is such a turnoff. I think that goes hand in hand with lacking a sense of humor is people who take themselves too seriously. That's never hot. No. Being funny is

down on my list because of course anyone who could make you laugh, it makes you laugh is sexy. You like them immediately. Anytime somebody can evoke that feeling from you. He's laughing at my bouncing microphone. These are like my boobies. It's taking the place of my boobies, my screen. I do like guys that are more shy. I find myself more attracted to those who are introverts. This last guy I was sort of seeing who I really liked and unfortunately didn't work because of distance. He was just like, I can't do long distance, which I understand. And I'm not here to change anybody, but he was very shy and there was something about it

that I kind of loved because I think I already get enough attention that I don't want to be with someone who also is seeking a ton of attention like I'm also not even seeking attention

outside of the stage does that make sense I sit at home and play Fortnite I'm not trying to do anything so I like sort of shyer guys more quiet guys yeah but don't you find more quiet guys

have less to say yeah but when they start to open up is when I find it adorable like this last guy was painfully shy and then as he opened up i really got to see his sense of humor and then you almost feel more special because you're like oh wow he's opening up like something i've i've done something to help him open up and now he feels comfortable with me and i feel i have an insight on how this person functions in the world and i like their sense of humor like i enjoy that and how long did you guys date for well we talked we dated and talked

for like almost six months we he lived long distance i met him when i was doing shows and we just kept talking and then it turned into FaceTiming morning, noon, night. Then we took vacations with each other and finally got to a point after like six months I was like, well how do you feel about long distance? And he was just honest. He was like, I can't. I have too many insecurities about that and I can't

have someone who's far from me and it's just not going to work. And I was like, well that's disappointing. And so that's it? That was it. So what if you wanted to continue just seeing each other like on vacation? That's not a thing? To me it probably wouldn't be great because it's like I really liked him and I expressed

that and he liked me too and if he even said like we could continue what we have and I'm like well if I'm I'm trying to make an investment I'm 36 I'm trying to like make a foundation with somebody and so if it just then it feels like I'm just giving you entertainment right which will make me resent

you and you'll feel cheap for that I will feel cheap for that right so the answer was no I want to bring up a good point because I don't think gay men are getting enough credit for nipping monkey pox in the bud but but the saying is in the bud, but I'm going to change it to the butt. It's an oxymoron. It's how it started. Because when the government came out, I was out to dinner with a few gay guys last night,

as one does. And they were like, yeah, we all got vaccinated right away when we found out about monkeypox. And I was like, oh, my God, that's what happened. Because I'm like, where's monkeypox? I thought this was going to take off. I was kind of looking forward to seeing what a shit show that was going to be, you know, in a real fucked up way. Obviously, I'm glad it did take off. And they're like, oh, it's us. Gay men are so responsible that we all just nipped it in the bud before it became a thing. Yeah, like most gays, we love it for something. It becomes really big and then it's done.

There's my second monkey pox. You can still see my second monkey pox shot. Oh, wow. I can't see it. Good for you. It was very interesting when that happened. You know, at first it was like someone's like monkey pox is coming and all the gays were like, girl, not monkey pox. And then I met, I had five people in my life who had it. And

I was like, okay, I'm going to abstain from sex or if I do, I will have I'll be open and honest with my sexual partners and wait till the vaccine is available. And then he said it is 80 percent effective after four weeks. And so I waited after four weeks. So basically, July and August, I just didn't have any sex, which might not sound like a lot. But to gay men, that's like, yeah, I mean, no, I understand. Yeah. Yeah. That's almost like seven years to a regular person. Fifteen. It's a long time. And I'm getting real tired of jacking

off so you know sometimes I jack I just do it like I'm going to the bank I'm like let's get this over I just I'll pretend to be my own wife and I'm like not tonight honey I just can't I'm so over jacking off but yeah we all we all did nip it in the butt we did the rates have gone down significantly no one's talking about monkey pox I still am talking about it because I like I just I just can't believe how discriminatory that advisory was you know yeah like gay men are the only people that can like not the only people but that's how you're going to get it by anal sex and it's like first of all regular people are having anal sex you know not non-gay people are having sex like it's a trend it's on and people are into it big time and you'd be surprised if

you didn't think you like it you might surprise yourself and might like it a whole lot I have a lot of girlfriends in LA who casually are like have you tried anal I'm like oh my god really this is our conversation now I'm like yes I've tried anal who hasn't tried anal my girlfriend and it's like, oh, my God, I love it. I love it. I'm like, first of all, shut up. You sound like a fucking asshole. No pun intended again.

You guys, honestly, this is, like, possessed. Do you see this thing moving? I am watching. And I'm not touching the table or anything. So it must just be... We're haunted. We're being haunted. Bringing a ghost adventures show in here.

It's my favorite show, by the way, Ghost Adventures. They've been on for 29 seasons. They've not found a single ghost. it is my favorite show so what they're called hosted by this asshole named zach and he says every episode my name is zach and i'm a demonologist and my joke is you know my parents were disappointed when i told them i was gay i cannot imagine if i had to sit them down to be like mom and dad i'm going into demonology they'd be like we'd rather you suck a dick at least it's there i mean it is i will watch the travel channel is now just ghost shows that's it

Zach Osborne has a ghost show. Everyone's got one. And I will watch it. When I'm on the road, I turn on the Travel Channel and just watch these assholes walk around houses for hours. I love it. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. And people love ghosts.

Love it. They love outer space. They love UFOs. And they love aliens and ghosts. The UFOs, at least there's like a video of a thing where like, well, what is that? That's a UFO. This ring light, that's a UFO. That's a UFO.

That's a ghost and that's a UFO. Yeah. I hate when anyone talks about anything like that. I've, I've felt the presence of what would probably be a ghost, but I would never even focus on it for more than 30 seconds. Like my friend, I dated this guy who had a house up in Shelter Island and it was fucking haunted. It was definitely haunted. The vibe in there, the energy, I was like, this is off. The doors would shut all the time, slam all the time. You'd hear footsteps creeping up the house. And I was like, you're evil. I can tell that you're evil and that your house is haunted. And that's why we're going to break up because you would have a ghost in your house, you fucking weirdo. I definitely have

felt that. But then people really hyper focus on it. It's like, well, the ghost isn't going to get you. It's not going to come and stab you. And also, we're never going to see them. No, we're not. We're never going to. My mom is Italian or Mexican. So if anyone is Italian or Mexican, immediately you have multiple aunts in the family who speak to dead people. So, you know, my mom has a sister that does and it's just so funny to me i i don't believe in ghosts like no no at all not at all i mean but of course i'm scared like if i watched insidious the other night with nicole byer and i literally was walking home like yeah i'm in new york what's insidious i missed that it was like 15 years ago but it is like the first two acts of the movie are genuinely very scary

it's about a kid who goes into a coma and basically they find out when they get a psychic that he's astral projecting and the demon wants his body and he astral projected too far and the demon captured his soul. So now his body is just laying there and they have to go into that world and bring him back.

Ah, chills. It's so scary. You have to watch it. Astral projecting? Yeah, like you sleep and you see yourself when you're sleeping. So basically your soul leaves your body and you kind of walk around

and the kid is four or five so he thinks, oh, I'm having all these dreams. Isn't that just sleepwalking? No, but like the body's there. His spirit's doing it. Oh, okay. Sorry.

It's like a meditation thing too, right? Well, that is a meditation thing. You're absolutely right when you meditate because when you really get into deep meditation, you start to see your body sitting down or lying down and you can get away from it. That's happened to me before for sure. Well, make sure a demon's not coming to steal you. I'm a ghost, okay? I'm a ghost that meditates.

Okay, so we've decided you like quiet guys. That's pretty much it. That's all we're looking for? Funny, quiet, you can't believe in ghosts? Sexually compatible. What does that mean, though, sexually compatible? You know, someone that turns you on, I guess. Well, chemistry, then.

Chemistry, yes, you're right. That's the proper word. Not the homosexual me being, like, sexual compatibility. Yeah, like they have to, like, enjoy anal sex. I mean, that's a prerequisite for being gay, I think. Some don't. No, that's true. I have a friend who claims that he's never enjoyed anal sex.

We actually have a caller today about that very issue. Oh. Amazing. Oh, is it? Okay. Okay, great. I guess this episode was curtailed for somebody. Oh, that's perfect. I love it. Okay, well, let's get started. We're going to give advice. You know how this goes, right? We give advice. Callers, people are fucking serious. So you have to put on your medical cap, your psychiatry, psychologist, whatever. I'll have my aunt's number on speed dial should we need to talk to ghosts. I'm a farm to table gynecologist. So I'll take care

of the female anatomy and you're going to take care of the male anatomy. Got it. And then any emotional problems will just jump in together, all three of us. Okay, I'm excited.

We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Chelsea and Mateo. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive

the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month, price guaranteed for two years on Internet

with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell, connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of

traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits,

change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back. Well, our first email comes from Rachel. For context, she and her husband are about 35, and the couple friends in this email are

late 20s, like 29. Dear Chelsea, recently I had a friend and her husband over for what was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday night dinner. I prepared homemade lasagna and a delicious tiramisu from scratch. I would love to see that homemade lasagna, but go on. I am a good hostess and always go above and beyond to make sure my house is spotless and my guests are comfortable. I asked my friend what time they'd like to eat so that I could have dinner prepared accordingly.

She replied 6 p.m. I worked for hours to shop, prepare, and cook the meal for everyone and had it ready by six. This already sounds annoying, by the way. This sounds like someone who's already complaining about too much, but I'll stick with it. You also got to have people come earlier than you plan to eat, so you're not like sitting and eating right when they get there. But also lasagna takes four hours to make anyways. Usually lasagna, if people come late, you throw it back in the oven for 15 minutes and you serve.

Labor of love. We're already mad at her. I'm mad at the right, yeah. I am too. Yeah, I hear you. I'm vegan and my guests are not, so I prepared two lasagnas and shopped for ingredients that I normally wouldn't buy for my household. My friend texted me at 5.52 saying they were just leaving an event they attended earlier in the afternoon. At 6.30, she texted me again to let me know she'd picked up her baby from the sitters and was en route to the house.

Chelsea, they arrived a whole hour later than they said they would like to sit down and eat. Seven? No, six. That was the call time and they showed up at seven. Yeah. Pay attention, you fucking two, okay? Fuck. Okay, fine.

They show up, apologize, and we get ready to eat. In an unfortunate turn of events, her baby slipped and bumped his head. He was completely fine and uninjured, but this happened on her husband's watch. She freaked out and proceeded to berate her husband in front of me and my husband for the next 20 minutes. We decided to sit down and start eating. They ended up leaving a little over an hour after they arrived. I felt completely offended that they were an hour late. I feel that if they didn't have time to come to dinner, they shouldn't have accepted the invitation.

I also feel annoyed with my friend for choosing to react to a simple accident so negatively in my personal space. If she needed to take a moment to collect herself, she could have gone outside or into another room to do so instead of subjecting everyone else to negativity like that. When they left, I was angry with her. Should I confront her or just never invite them over again? Thanks for listening, Rachel. You go ahead, Matteo. Look, this woman should never mix with Italians because Italians will be an hour late and they will fight in front of you.

So make sure she never books a ticket to Italy. And if she does, to avoid Italians at all costs. And Jewish people will also be late and argue in front of you. I'm very comfortable. I have 34 first cousins and we're all basically the same age. So I grew up with lots of yelling and screaming in the house and food coming late. But we also laughed a lot and ate really well. I don't like people who are late though

that is a pet peeve of mine so I do back her on that like if you say you're going to be here at 6 o'clock get her at 6 o'clock that shit pisses me off okay I have the opposite point of view I don't care about the lateness I care about the arguing in front of people

I feel like that's inappropriate but I also feel like the way this letter was framed it's too much it's just too judgy like who gives a shit first of all who's having dinner at 6 like why

and if you're being a hostess part of being a hostess is being gracious to a degree, not to bend over backwards. You know what I mean? But someone being late, fine, whatever. They had another situation. They had another event they were coming from. And then fighting in front of you, I think is the worst, more offensive infraction. Yeah. But also like, yeah, don't be friends with them. Sounds like she rubs you the wrong way. Like the whole tone of the letter means that you're in a state of irritability. Yeah. You could confront her, but to what avail? Is it that important of a friendship? If it's a really important friendship to you yeah you could say something I would focus on the fighting

not on the actual tardiness unless that happens again they have a kid you have to just kind of make accommodations for people sometimes and I just don't like being so anally retentive that I have all these rules about how you're supposed to behave as a guest yeah I don't like that either that kind of negates the friendship to begin with like there's got to be room to move around you know sometimes your friends are not going to do exactly what you want them to do so yeah I mean Also, meal-wise, do not make two different lasagnas. That is a whole day operation. Make something that takes the fresh ingredients you can put together that takes a half hour

so you can start cooking when they get there. Who says we're going to eat at 6 and then expect them to get there at 6 and then come in to sit down and start eating? Yeah, you walk through the door and sit down at the table. I mean, that sounds annoying, too. Also, being a vegan is slightly annoying. Like, here's the thing. If they were vegan, that would be one thing.

but she's vegan. She could have just cooked a vegan lasagna for everybody. Why not? I don't know. Let's not disgrace lasagna any more than it was probably hard to disgrace in that oven that day anyways. You either make a lasagna or you don't. Stop it. Once she heard about lasagna, he's like, yeah, I don't fucking believe this for one second. Oh, I know she used cottage cheese. I know she didn't make bechamel. I know the red sauce is from a can. I know that she didn't. I don't want to hear about it. My mother is Mennonite and I'm from Illinois as well. And my husband is half Italian. His Mom is north side of the Chicago Italian.

And that is one of the greatest arguments of my marriage is cottage cheese versus ricotta. Who would put cottage cheese? What side are you on? She probably is on the cottage cheese side. And I'll tell you why, Mateo. Because this fucking bitch takes hard-boiled eggs in a big Ziploc bag on a plane. What are you doing to the rest of the flight? No one wants to smell your hard-boiled eggs.

I'm like four different airlines have rejected her. Get a protein bar, a think bar. I know, I know, I know. She said to me, she came to Mallorca this summer, and she revealed this. Like, I wasn't going to have a reaction. I said, excuse me, we just had gone off about bare feet on planes and how vile that is. And then she reveals this and then sends me a photo to, you know, trigger me further of her holding a Ziploc bag with 12 hard-boiled eggs. I said, hey, what are you doing?

She goes, it's protein. I go, there's protein bars all throughout the airport. You can get your protein in a variety of different ways. Literally. You deserve to get protein powder thrown in your face and that's your protein for the meal. The weirdest thing is all of my friends, like I, you know, posted a picture and so many of my friends were like, oh, that time you had hard-boiled eggs, it just like saved my life. So many of my friends have memories of me with hard-boiled eggs. No, you're just remembering those.

You're choosing to specifically remember the positive outcomes of hard-boiled eggs instead of all of the negative domino effect instances and the hell that you've put people through. You know, it's selective memory. The fact that the TSA agents had to look on their scanner and see 12 hard-boiled eggs go through. I won't even eat a hard-boiled egg, like, in a small space. Like, you have to get rid of the egg before you interact with a person.

And also, you need like a five-minute window after work. You know what I mean? Where do you put the shells? She probably takes the shells off before so that it all smells even worse. No, actually, yeah, I usually do. Yeah, she does. Listen, she does. She's not taking the shells off.

They're peeled. They're peeled. It's quick, and then the bag gets sealed again. But again, apologies. You know what that reminds me of? The scene in Airplane where Leslie Nielsen is it, who keeps having hard-boiled eggs come out of his mouth. And he keeps hatching eggs. He's like, brr, brr, brr.

And even when he was doing that scene, I'm like, this is so disgusting. And those were shelled. Yes, they were. Because the cast and crew didn't want to smell hard-boiled eggs all day. Well, I guess because humans lay shelled eggs. Also, why cottage cheese? It has no taste. It's too wet.

And it's un disgraziato. It's a disgrace. That's how my mom's mom made it. So that's how she made it. Your mom's mom is wrong. I know. There's no way around it. Yeah, you have no, I mean, Mennonite, what does that have to do with being Italian?

Well, we're not Italian. That's what I'm saying. Well, that's why you're using cottage cheese, though. I mean, you said we're Mennonite, like that's a backup for the cottage cheese. None of this makes sense, Catherine. It's a reason, not an excuse. What do you put in the cottage cheese? Eggs.

Whatever you'd normally put into, you know, the ricotta mixture. I'd like to hear what you normally put into it. Well, okay, off from memory, eggs, oregano. Oregano in a lasagna? It's not a pizza sauce. I fucking hate oregano. This is awful. I hate oregano.

And you know what else I don't like while we're on the topic of things that annoy me? Rosemary. Really? No, I hate when... I don't like cilantro. Oh, yeah, a lot of people don't like cilantro. Rosemary when it's on chicken or potatoes. That pisses me off because I love potatoes.

But when there's a rosemary, it's like the smell. I used to work at this restaurant, Roasty, in Santa Monica, and they had rosemary, chicken, and potatoes. And I would always be like, who thought up this dumb recipe? And it was the biggest hit on the menu. People fucking loved it. And I was just like, ugh. Rosemary reminds me of Christmas. I guess it's that pine needle kind of like.

It does look like you cut up a Christmas tree and roasted it on some potatoes. And smells a little bit like pine needles, too. I do like Greek potatoes, but all cooked in lemon and chicken fat. Really good. Well, of course. What do you have to say about that? Chicken fat is where it's at. What else do you put in it?

I'm sorry. We were so rudely interrupted you because no one respects you anymore. If I can interrupt, I want to also say that as I've known Catherine and her family, they have some questionable variations on traditional food, like Italian food, obviously. Why would you put cottage cheese in a lasagna? That's ridiculous. Oh, madone. It's just flavor.

Ask her about the nachos, though. What are Amish nachos, Catherine? Oh, let's just attack all my ethnic backgrounds. So go on. We've destroyed the Italian side. Let's move on to the Mexican side. What have you done to them? And just know that obviously it includes cottage cheese. Ma, again? If my parents don't have like four tubs of cottage cheese in the fridge at every moment, it's like not enough. So we lovingly call these Amish nachos. But in our family, we love to eat potato chips with cottage cheese. that's that's how as a vehicle i'm getting sick i'm getting i'm getting nauseous honestly this

is so nauseating i promise it's delicious i had a boyfriend once i'm just gonna switch topics quickly my boyfriend used to eat potato chips dip them in salsa and that was an affront i don't understand that i was like whoa whoa what are you doing here it's either ranch or straight up you know what i mean you don't get to dip your potato chips in salsa but then he would put so much salsa on the potato chip that that alone broke us up. I was so disgusted after months and months of being exposed to this behavior. I think we dated for years, but at the end of it, I was like, they were like, what was the final straw? I'm like the potato chips and the salsa. I was like, that's where I couldn't take it anymore. It was so gross to see a potato chip dunked wholly in

salsa. Like the ratio didn't add up. And they get soggy. I broke up with a guy in college. He was beautiful, bright green eyes, like stunning. And I watched him make cold spaghetti, heat it up and put sour cream all over it. And I literally called my cousin Megan and said, I can't do it. No, no, no, no. Broke up with him. No, that's disgusting. Even now, I can't cook, but I know I can't cook.

And even when I try and make something basic, I know like there are rules not to break in terms of what, like even my scrambled eggs is basically what I make, you know, on the regular. And I know not to fuck around with that in a gross way. Like, not to put too many things in. Like, you can't put zucchinis in scrambled eggs if you want vegetables. You can't put broccoli in scrambled eggs. All of that is gross. You could put onions, you could put cheese, you could put tomatoes and spinach, and that's it. And then you have to draw the line.

You also can't put them in a bag and bring them to the airport. Okay, who's our next caller? behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability.

Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything.

every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much,

you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners.

Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can can you help me shape this yeah how about we flip it on his head right how about we flip this around okay what is the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something

like that if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like you're like oh what's this state everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every

episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our next caller is Marco. Marco says, Dear Chelsea and gang, I wanted to get your advice on a topic I know is near and dear to your hearts, sex or lack thereof. As a 30-year-old gay man, I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't like sex. The thought of topping is a turnoff for me, and quite frankly, I really don't like the idea of getting it from behind either. Ouch. Don't get me wrong, I have sex occasionally to meet a partner's needs, but so far it's not been enough to sustain any sort of lasting relationship. Two months is the longest I've ever dated a guy.

This has made dating in the very daunting gay world a challenge. In the past, dates or short flings with guys always go well, but tend to go downhill once we hit the bedroom. Yeah, obviously. I'm shocked that two months, I mean, two months is like eight years for gay people. Right, we talked about this. That's good for him. That's a long time in gay. I get uncomfortable once we start having sex because I'm scared I won't be good at it or because I just might not be able to do it.

Most recently, I really hit it off with a guy. We hung out almost every day for a few weeks straight, and he seemed to like me just as much as I liked him. However, after a few unsuccessful attempts in the bedroom, he lost interest and eventually he told me he didn't think he could foresee a future with me. He didn't tell me why, but I can take a hint. Typically when dating, I'm not very upfront with my dates about being uncomfortable with sex. In a world where sex is put at the forefront of all relationships, I'm very embarrassed

about my lack of ability. Please help. Yours in Christ. Just kidding. Marco. Good save, Marco. Okay, Marco, how old? You're 30?

Correct. Yep. Okay. And what, so what about blowjobs? Yeah, I'm all right with that. It's definitely different. I think with anal, like it's definitely more like uncomfortable with it. Whereas blowjobs, not so much. Okay. But maybe your state of discomfort for it is because you haven't done it the proper way or experienced it the proper way because you're attracted to men, right? That's correct. Yes. And you don't like penetrating men? I'd prefer not to, no. because why just you can be graphic if you need to be it's fine uh honestly like i just don't want to put my dick like where shit comes out you know like maybe it's the cleanliness that's what the republicans say yeah are you a republican i'm not a republican

i can understand that but well i guess you should probably feel this line of questioning do you have anxiety like do you do with anxiety generally speaking like yes so you are full of anxiety right yeah definitely like an anxious person i've always been yeah okay so so is it the actual act that that repels you or is it the anxiety of having to please somebody else or be involved sexually with somebody else that gives you so much anxiety you feel you can't perform ah i would i honestly i feel like it's definitely a mix of both the cleanliness like i said aspect to it well the cleanliness it's like just make sure that either you douche or someone else douches Which I hire a firehouse to come clean out my asshole before I have sex.

I mean, it's like, you know those things they use to clean the sidewalk in the morning in New York? They're my best friends. It's true. I've been to his place when he's had an entire fire brigade there cleaning out his asshole. Including the Dalmatian. Yeah. I think maybe, are you expressing this to your partner? Like, partners you've been with?

Like, look, I just want you to know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to anal. And if we are going to go there, I want to make sure that you know that this is something that I'm having a hard time with. And then maybe just right off the bat, being open about it will take some of the pressure away. And that's probably part of the problem is that I'm not open about it. I always like... You're open to a podcast where millions of people listen, but not one individual partner. Yeah, so why not just talk to everybody, you know?

Well, this is a first step. Yeah. Yeah, this is a first step. I think it's important. But I think, you know, when you're saying that you're anxiety ridden and that's a base of your personality probably, then that is having a huge impact on your sexuality right so the thing that like what relaxes you what do you do what do you use as tools to relax you not I'm not talking about sex in this moment but like in general do you take anti-anxiety medication does smoking weed

relax you what do you do all the above I mean I actually I just started taking some anti-depressants anti-anxiety medicine and then marijuana also helps alcohol exercise I'm big on that that always makes me feel so much better i think first and foremost having more open conversations with people about it i think you're going to find you're that you're not alone i think other people probably feel that way don't you think so mateo like yeah in the gay world there's a whole spectrum of ways that people are interested in having sex like some people are highly sexualized some people aren't and i don't think that you're not sexual it sounds like you like all of that yeah i'm definitely attracted yeah i mean so i think you want to work towards having a more healthy kind

of sexual more sexual knowledge about yourself worrying about what's in your asshole like everyone's thinking about that but everyone's still having anal sex you know what i mean i don't want anyone to have sex with me in the butt and then pull their penis out and be covered in anything yeah that's a fear of mine but that's not a reality and there's a way to avoid that from happening right that's not something that necessarily happens and it's something that you can definitely make not happen you know what i mean if you're taking care of the situation if that person is but i think if you're more vocal about it like oh god you know i mean this guy that just broke up with you or stopped talking to you or whatever clearly stopped because you guys

it wasn't going anywhere sexually i mean that's obvious and so in order to prevent that from happening in the future i think you need to be a little bit more open-minded with people and with yourself you know because you're not the only person that's felt this way okay yeah i second that i think there's relationships where gay men don't have anal with each other that's fine i mean And that also just, you decide, hey, I don't like anal. Great, find another partner who doesn't either. But I'm also saying that I think you might like it if you were able to prevent your fears from coming true.

Like, I think that you have this idea that anal sex equates to one thing. You know, let's not have to repeat that over and over because some people are eating breakfast. Some people are having their first hard-boiled egg of the day. Like, I don't want, you know, I don't want you to think that you don't like sex. I don't believe that's true right now. Like, I don't think you've put it in. How many times have you had anal sex?

Let's start there. Honestly, probably only like on two hands. Okay. Ten or less. Okay, right. And it's been done to you or you've done it to someone else? I've never been the receiving end on it. I've always topped.

Okay. Well, maybe you should also try that. You might like it. Yeah, you might like it. No, suck it up. No pun intended. Well, you know, with enough lubrication, it can be a very enjoyable experience. And like I said, I want to like it.

I really do. I just. Then try harder. If you want to like it and you're attracted to men and you want to have a relationship, whether sexual or more, you know, serious, like more than sexual and having a serious, intimate relationship with someone, I think you need to have a little bit more experience, right? And I don't think you should just go out and have sex with a bunch of strangers, but I think you should find people that are a little bit more like-minded or somebody who has more experience

than you is going to be patient with you as a teacher and say, oh, okay, this is how we can prevent any of those things from happening. This is how I get myself prepared for anal sex. And you can try it with different partners to find your comfort level because it's there somewhere. And I think this is more anxiety ridden than anything else, just by talking to you and, you know, looking at you. For sure. Yeah, no, absolutely. I know you're you're probably spot on there. So can you do that? Can you have more honest conversations? Like, listen, if somebody says, fuck it, you don't you're not comfortable having anal sex. You haven't had that many good experiences with it. Then that's not the right person.

But I bet you you'll find somebody that's going to be like, oh, OK, I get it. I also used to feel that way or I also used to be intimidated or scared or thought I didn't want to, you know, be a bottom or a top or whatever it is. It doesn't matter. But I just think you need to have a little bit more experience and kind of put less pressure on yourself and experiment. That's what sexuality is, finding different things that you like with different people and being open to different things. There's so many things that I thought when I was growing up in high school that I was so judgy about. I would never do that or I would never give a blowjob. I'm not bullshit.

All these things that are so silly. You start to become sexually aware, like have more sexual exposure. And it empowers you. Yeah. And then you find out the things that you like. Some of the things I thought I hated, I really do like now. Yeah. And I think a lot of the focus is on what you're unable to do or you're not enjoying. And I think if you can give a spin on that and be like, you know what? Here's what turns me on. Here's what I'm into. you can drop in that you're not into some other stuff but also like maybe with a new partner you just focus on like here's what really turns me on it's blowjobs it's whatever else huddling can be a part of you know what i mean there's so much else that you can do other than just like penetration

okay so like re reframing give it a spin like think about what you're into and then get really good at those things so do you go out a lot so i like i'm not too big into like the gay scene or None, but yeah, occasionally I will go out. But you're out as a gay man, right? Yes, that's correct. Okay. And do you date on apps and do you do that stuff? Yeah, mostly on apps, I'd say.

Which app? Not Grindr. Okay. Maybe I should if that's what... Well, because Grindr leaves you can be explicit. Hello, homosexual who's not sure he likes anal dot dot dot anyone question mark. And you can start surveying from there. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, but I'd use Tinder, Bumble. How does it work on Bumble? Because usually with straight people, it's the girl who writes first. So in this case, is it like the bottom? Yeah. Bottoms on. No, I think either way works. Yeah.

So many gays are going to get mad at me. They're going to say I'm bottom shaming. And I'm a huge bottom, so. I'm a bottom, too. I don't like to do anything during sex. I just like to lie there. What do you do for work? So I'm like a little bit of everywhere.

I work in a prison, so. Shifted so quick. No wonder you don't like anal. I mean, that's not a great example. I love that. That's like two comedians. It's a race to get to that joke. Yeah, I guess that's maybe that's why I don't like anal.

Right, because you're seeing it at the most graphic point. Yeah. I think the thing for you to focus on in the immediate future is to be more communicative about what you are interested in and just front load that. Right. And then you're going to, I think, draw more people in that maybe feel the same way with you or have an experience level where they'll have the patience to kind of learn with you and grow with you. But always front load, because if you're because that's just going to add to your anxiety when you're keeping something from somebody and then they get back to your house and they're expecting something to happen and you're not about to deliver that, then that's going to create anxiety for you and you already have anxiety. So we want to just like take that out of the equation in any way we can. And also, based on your first and last name, do you use cottage cheese in your lasagna? Yes, you do. Oh, yes.

Marco, you've done that to me. don't shame me do you take hard boiled eggs onto planes with you? I would never do that no why do you? I'm sorry well Catherine does really Catherine?

no that would in itself would put my anxiety through the roof not this being the most shameful part of the interview Catherine I hope that you really leave today with a whole new set of

ideas, okay? I do. Because he basically just served you. I have some changes to make in my life. Yeah, you do. Okay, so just chill the fuck out, okay? Try to chill out. Yeah, just work on your communication skills. There's nothing to be ashamed of, you know what I mean? Honesty

is the best thing. Always, always, always front foot with honesty. Agreed. Or front load. Front foot. I don't even know what I'm talking about. and good luck with you and your asshole thank you i appreciate it okay keep us posted if things change let us know and i want to know like you know with the more experience i think that you might enjoy sex more than you think you might because it's a very human we're animals most people want that you know we want yeah okay okay i think we got it all right thanks so much marco Thank you guys. I appreciate you guys.

Oh, thank you, honey. Bye. Take care. Goodbye. Bye. Catherine, I hope you have some time to reflect later this afternoon. Because you know what? He just was like, listen, I'm down with cottage cheese.

You thought you had someone on your team, and guess what? He was off your team two seconds later. He was like, goodbye. His face, that was the first time I saw him, like, his face scrunched. Oh, he was cute. He was a hot mess. I loved him. Yeah, I know.

He's sweet. I wish I could adopt somebody like that and just lead them. I know. He's so sweet. He's one of my favorite callers that we've had. I was so excited to have him on. He was sweet, yeah. And honestly, the way he was talking to us, just talk to your partner that way.

I know. I know. He was talking to Chelsea Handler about not wanting anal. Like, you can't say that in a private conversation with somebody. I know. This is pretty bold. Well, some people have a lot more. Yeah.

I think sometimes people have a lot more, a bigger issue with saying it in the moment, especially when it's intimacy. People have so many issues around intimacy. People are fucking weird, you know? I mean, I've had experience with that, too, where I'm just like, you know, like you freeze or you don't want to disappoint. You don't know what the person's expecting. I think that's it.

You feel like you're going to disappoint the other person. Yeah. And you're right. Communicating that with somebody else takes away that shame. And you can just have honest conversations with somebody. Yeah. And then you can conversely go too far in the opposite direction. Like I've had several one night stands where I was putting it out there right

away. Like, just so you know, I'm here to have sex. And that's, that's backfired on me too, where guys are like, what do you mean?

You're just here to have sex. It's like, well, wait, I thought that was going to be the good thing for me to say. Like, we'll be on the same page. And guys are like,

I mean, I've had guys surprise to my surprise, be like, no, that's too forward. I don't like that. I don't like when a woman talks like that. And you're like,

okay, well, fine. fine so like i always i always feel like you know i'm a little too honest i think sometimes but whatever i'm not going to change that no i don't think you should okay so this is chloe is it this about chris jenner i mean we can only hope by the way chris jenner sent me a satin pillow or silk pillow or whatever the fuck it is and i have to say it's magical i've never had one of those because i just always thought like i mean i do so much shit and get so many lasers that i don't

have to worry about not getting crinkles on my face when I'm sleeping because I make up for I supplemented it in other ways but this silk pillowcase or whatever her brand is I don't know what it's called but it's delicious oh wonderful I love that you call them crinkles also crinkles when you wake up I sleep on my side and I wake up my face looks like I've been sleeping on concrete all night I know you can get one of those pillows that have like the little pads that come up so you put your head in it I have one of those at my house and so you can't turn and they're really comfortable i have so many different pillow stipulations i in the middle of the night i have to change it up then at like three i need a different pillow so i still need

to meet your dogs oh i know hopefully before they cross over there are two additional pillows you're gonna be there in la in february i'll have them come to see one of your shows i would love that i'll bring them to one of your shows i would love that they'll clap softly in the background Oh, I miss Bert. Well, Chloe says, Dear Chelsea, I married the love of my life a week ago today. Everything about our wedding day was so perfect, except one thing. His mother was so far beyond disrespectful that I have cried almost every day since, just thinking about it.

She showed up intoxicated and walked up to us as we were taking pictures right before having our first look. She had a rotten attitude right off the bat. didn't compliment me or my dress, didn't say hi, and when I complimented her on her outfit, she blew me off. My sister complimented her as well, and she just walked away. Even though we were ahead of schedule, the schedule that my coordinator had made, she was trying to hurry pictures along and do things on her own timeline. She released her family to go get dinner before the DJ had announced it was time to eat and before

my husband and I had even dished up. She came up to us as we were walking around trying to say hello to every table, clapping her hands at us and telling us to move it along and get the music going, even though the speeches hadn't even started and people were still dishing up food. I was firm and told her we were going by the schedule. The speeches were hilarious and heartfelt, though you wouldn't know it by the look on her face. She stared at us with a deadpan look across her face the entire time they were happening. It definitely took me out of what was supposed to be a funny and touching moment. There's more, but this email would be a college dissertation if I kept typing. She made me feel like absolute shit, and I certainly know her true

feelings about me now. My question is, how do I handle this? I honestly never want to see her again, but obviously that's not an option, though my husband is 100% on my side and said we aren't going to her house for Thanksgiving. Thank you for reading this, and I look forward to any advice that you have. With love, Chloe. And Chloe did mention, I said, you know, is the drinking a habitual thing with her and she says no she hardly ever drinks so that's why this was very out of character oh oh that's a twist i thought for sure hi chloe hi chloe you show up at thanksgiving to her house and when i say wasted i mean i don't even want you to be able to walk through the front door i agree i think that's a great strategy don't worry i think thanksgiving is not gonna be

happening also are you a nurse i am in dental hygiene school work yeah so she's not a drinker and she just got waste she must have been nervous right i think so she's just really emotional about the whole thing because like that's her only child getting married i guess she should be happy that he's getting married see that's what i thought so i was like pretty honestly like i was pretty devastated when it just was the opposite i'm like aren't you happy for us i am yeah yeah i think honestly you have to really feel pity for her because i mean that's so sad that she ruined the wedding for herself and for so many other people but listen she didn't ruin your wedding don't let her ruin that day i know you don't because you're in love and you just said you married the love of

your life that's an unfortunate thing to have had happen it will be funny in a certain amount of time yes i was gonna say the same thing it's a funny story she's a hot mess and her like complimenting your outfit and her not receiving the compliment about hers of course she didn't she's fucking wasted she can't even hear anything you're saying you know she's in a fucking she was in a blackout probably does she have any recollection of the wedding do you know from your husband has he spoken to her oh there's a ghost in your house do you see that i saw it go by i did see it there's a ghost that just went through your door i swear we just saw a shadow i'm sure it's the computer screen so don't worry no i love i love true crime and all that so okay

well the ghosts are a lot different than true crime but whatever yeah that's true wow it's got dark um it started dark with this story my god what did your husband say to her after the wedding that's my thing is like we haven't there's been no communication really all we had was just a text from her to my husband saying like i should probably apologize for some things i don't really remember. And that was it. Yeah, she doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know what happened. I would say, listen, as a bigger person, which you obviously are, just try to not take it so seriously what happened. It's an incident. And you don't want to just hold all this anger and resentment towards her because she clearly obviously has issues. She probably had a really

hard time with the day losing her son in her mind. And she tried to, you know, help that situation by overstimulating herself and I'm sure she regrets it. I'm sure she's in a very deep shame spiral. There is no way that you can act like that and not feel like an asshole afterward. You know what I mean? Especially when you're not a drinker. She's not a normal drunk, so she's going to have shame about it. Obviously give it some time, but try to forgive her, you know, let her apologize to you in due time. And if she doesn't just go, you know, that was really unfortunate. It was a really unfortunate part of the day. Luckily it didn't ruin my day. But when I think back on that day, I do remember that, and that's always going to be with me,

and now you have to live with that. But don't hold this against her for the rest of her life. You know what I mean? Not going there for Thanksgiving, you're setting enough of a signal. That's going to be devastating for her if that's her only son. And I do think you should find a way to make it funny. I know that sounds hard to do right now, but either get, like, a caricature artist to draw, like, your wedding with her

just, like, creeping in the background, drunk, clapping at birds, drinking, like, pissed off. Just in every picture. just because there is something funny about being nope not like going back to the ghost but you literally being haunted by a drunk woman the whole wedding and it's kind of hysterical i mean yeah i guess you're right it's everything really like rolls off my back and i like laugh everything off honestly so yeah i just hadn't really considered doing that with this give it give it some in forgiveness yeah it's funny it's funny we both started laughing as soon as we heard you

your letter not like in a way that we know it's going to be funny because all things like this end up being hilarious you know so just you're you're going to be fine don't don't harbor all this resentment towards her I know it's going to take a little bit of time for you to get past it you can be upset but you know try and understand where she's coming from it's not an excuse but you know then you're the bigger person and then there's really nothing to argue with and it might make you closer yeah that's true yeah especially if she does apologize it is really kind of more sad than anything else. You know, it's just kind of pathetic. Like that's the father or the mother of the groom. Yeah. The new mother-in-law of the ghost. The way you feel about it, it will loom

less large in your mind. And I love this idea of like turning it into a joke. But when I got married, we had a situation where like it was the most rain in 150 years. The person who was going to do the videography couldn't make it. And so it was like a cousin of somebody who wound up doing it. And for some reason, they decided after I walked down the aisle, they should turn off the camera for a little while. And so they did and then missed most of our ceremony and finally turned it back on like in the middle of the vows sort of thing. And I was so hurt and crushed by that that for years I didn't watch my wedding video. And then a couple years ago, I finally watched it back and realized there was so much more of the ceremony, which was only like 20

minutes long, but there was so much more than I remembered that was there. And it's such a happy, wonderful memory now. So like your feelings around it will change and you you'll feel better about it. Yeah. Yeah. The most mature thing you can do is to know that you're going to feel differently about this in a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. This was pretty recent. So maybe just some time. Yeah. And be grateful. Listen, you have a great life ahead of you. You're with you, the love of your life. You don't have time to harbor resentment towards his idiot mother. who cares and now you get to be married to him

yeah it's very exciting and hopefully the daughter or son that you guys create together won't be an alcoholic like their grandmother and for Christmas send her a bottle of vodka and say I thought of you or on every wedding anniversary

you can send her a bottle of vodka and go happy anniversary we know this is your favorite day okay yeah this already is funny to me so thank you okay take care we love you thanks chloe oh that was great i'm glad we took that call good call me too and i i love yeah it's like someone calls in with a serious problem the the two people are sitting here fucking laughing laughing at the very first sentence but that is kind of what you need It's like, has anyone been to a wedding where there wasn't a drunk asshole?

That's the thing. My mom always says something goes wrong at every single wedding, whether somebody puts the cake in the sun and it falls over or whatever. My sister-in-law, the pastor brought out a laser pointer in the middle of it. Like something goes wrong and weird at every wedding. So this is just her thing, you know? What do you think went wrong at Tiffany Trump's wedding? Oh, my God.

I saw the funniest thing. I have to show you, Mateo. You guys, I'll read this to you, Catherine. And my friend just posted something so fucking funny. It's a picture of all of that picture of Tiffany Trump. OK. She is my favorite of the Trump family. It's hard to have a favorite because it's like it's really it's Lana Trump, Marla Maples, Tiffany Trump in the middle, then Melania and then Ivanka.

So they're all standing together and it says traditional family values. values. Standing between your mom and the chick your dad cheated on your mom with, who is standing next to your half-sister, whose mom your dad cheated on with your mom. This is so solid. So solid. Excellent. Okay. Well, I think on that note, we're going to have to take a break and wrap it up. Yes. Okay. Let's take a break. I'm going to put Mateo in the bubble bath. behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or

come home at all and will you finish episode 8 before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring

how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it

out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed.

From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself

because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive

to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. And we're back.

Well, Mateo, we're going to wrap up, but is there any advice you'd like from Chelsea? There is advice I'd like from you. How do you handle criticism about your act? I mean, there's more evidence that points to your own success than there is that points to your own detriment. For me, I have enough experience to know that I have what I've got it. I've got the goods. And you know that you've got the goods. So for all those like little people who want to like be in your ear or on your Instagram, those aren't the voices that you have to care about.

Because you could look at like 300 comments and you see one out of 300 and then we focus on that. No, you're focusing on the other 299, right? But also what you're really focusing on is not ever paying attention to any of those comments either way and focusing on the trust that you have in yourself as a performer. And I think that just gets louder and louder over time. you know the more experience you have the more you know that you know what's up and that you've got the goods and that's all you have to say to yourself is i've got the goods okay i like that yeah yeah yeah everyone should say that to themselves regardless of what you do yeah that's awesome even if you're at a wedding drunk yeah i've got the goods where are they i just lost them

okay well mateo i love you so much i love you thank you so much for having me on this show what an entertaining fun episode yes it was yeah we're gonna have to have mateo come back as a regular please yes please it was really it really lightened things up yes and Mateo I do follow you on Instagram and I think you're perfect oh thank you yeah if you want to see somebody who is multi-talented and multi-faceted you can follow him on Instagram TikTok where else YouTube go to YouTube he's putting out a special on YouTube soon that's already out my YouTube page Mateo Lane Mateo Lane oh yeah yeah you guys go watch his special on YouTube it's gonna you're gonna fucking thank us. And you can find them on Netflix's comedy specials Stand Out and the

comedy lineup. Okay. Have a great day. Thank you. Bye. Don't forget to watch my special on Netflix, you guys. Revolution. It's a revolution. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio. Executive produced by Nick Stumpf. Produced by Catherine Law and edited and Engineered by Brad Dickert. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files.

Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. Abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm obsessed

listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i'm hoda kotb host of the podcast joy 101 with hoda kotb you know i'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy like when my friend henry winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out you're not hired just to fill time and space you're hired to fill the space with you listen to joy 101 with hoda kotb on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts our hometown is not a test tube 90 miles northeast of nashville a battle for the future of america plays out in one small town developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land. We need cities on a shining hill. This

is Our Town, a podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment and fights back. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.