Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Two-Day Pity Parties with Phoebe Robinson

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

Chelsea is joined in the studio this week by comic and author Phoebe Robinson (2 Dope Queens, Don’t Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes) to discuss why your co-workers are not your family, what kind of sex to have on a first date, and how she created alone time when suddenly stuck in an NYC apartment with her boyfriend during the pandemic. Then: A girlfriend considers when to tell her boyfriend she won’t change her last name. A twenty-something makes less money than her partner - and wonders if he’s weaponizing the dynamic. And the discovery of secret sexts from a partner leads to a confrontation about addiction, infidelity and kink-shaming.*Executive Producer Nick StumpfProduced by Catherine LawEdited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert*****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bell. Connection is everything. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who lived through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you.

Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Dear Chelsea. Hello. Hi. Chelsea, I heard that you received an award. That's very exciting. Oh my God, I did. You guys, I won the People's Choice Award

for Best Comedy Tour for Vaccinated and Horny. That's amazing. I know, it's so exciting. It's so exciting. And I want to thank every single person that spent the time to vote for me because I would never do that. I would never go and vote and sit there on a thing.

So I just want to say thank you for all the people that did that. I really appreciate the love. And this tour has been awesome. We're adding new cities. We're adding L.A., we just announced, Maui, Philly, Pittsburgh. We're adding a second show in Portland, and we have second shows up for Seattle, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto, all of those places. And we are continuing to add dates.

So make sure you go to ChelseaHandler.com to come see the People's Choice Award-winning Vaccinated and Horny Tour. That's so awesome. I never win awards. I mean, well, I guess I do now. Yeah, I mean, exactly. We'll put that out in the universe. You do it again. I'm nominated for a Grammy, you guys.

I got nominated for a Grammy for my last special, Evolution, for Best Comedy Album. That's amazing. I know. I cannot tell you the amount of emails we got about Evolution. Of course, it's the most recent one, but also people mention your other books and your other specials, but this one, it just touched so many people so deeply. Oh, I love that so much. That's so meaningful to me.

Thank you. I mean, I woke up, we were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, Joe and me. And then I woke up and I was like, my agent, Heidi, was like, you've been nominated for a Grammy. And I was like, I wrote back for what? And she's like, for Best Comedy Album for Evolution with HBO Max. And I was like, Joe, I've been nominated for a Grammy. And he's like, what? I mean, so that was really fucking awesome.

And I'm so excited. I mean, ever since Joe Coy came into my life, it's just been raining goodness. That's so wonderful. but it's also because you did the work and you leveled up and like all the good things are trickling in oh yeah it feels really good thank you I'm feeling really good that I dove deep into myself because the payoff doesn't come right away but you see the results when you start to see them you really see them and and and yeah it feels good to have done all of that stuff yeah that's so good thank you thank you I'm very excited for today yeah we have a very special guest this girl is

well, she's not a girl. She's a woman. But I like to call all my female friends girls because it keeps us young. She's a stand-up comedian as well. She's an actress. She's a producer. She's a writer. She's got her own production company. She just came out with her new HBO Max special, which was called Sorry, Harriet Tubman. So please check that out. And her most recent book is called Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes. And her name is Phoebe Robinson. So welcome, Phoebe Robinson. Thank you for having me, Chelsea Handler. This is great.

I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited to see you. I know we just met recently. Well, we've met online and on Instagram, DMing and stuff over the course of some months. But I had read one of your previous books and you came to my show at The Beacon recently with your lover who you talk about in your book, Please Don't Sit on My Bed, in your outside clothes. You talk a lot about him and a lot about how different you guys are from each other and what a successful relationship you are experiencing, which I found very inspiring and I think helpful for a lot of people to hear about because you guys started out in a situation where it was a long distance and not looking very hopeful considering his career trajectory as well as your own.

Yeah. I mean, he so he works in music. He travels all the time. And when I met him in 2017, I didn't want to date. And I certainly didn't want to date like a tour manager for rock bands. I'm like, OK, so this guy's going to like cheat on me, like do whatever, like who cares? And we just really hit it off. Like I never expected to end up with a British guy. He's a little bit younger than me, four years younger, which I don't even know if that really counts as anything. but he's so great and honestly like we do couples therapy like once every three months just to like I I feel like people like don't want to talk about that and just like your relationship is just supposed to be perfect and it's like no it's not like it's two different people who have like different thoughts different upbringings different everything and so you really have to be like all right we're gonna like constantly like check in and work on each other but he's so amazing he's so funny and he's a much better person than me so I really hit the jackpot with him did you not want to date anybody at that time in your life or were you just had had it in 2017 so I was what

about to turn 33 and I was just I come out of a long-term relationship in which I thought I was going to marry that guy and then it didn't happen what happened there it was just like it was so it was a lot of things like I think it just sort of like we were just growing apart differently and like to be fair my career at the time was not anything to like write home about like I got like a writing job on this like crappy show on Fuse TV that like no one watched and like the Tito Queens podcast was about to come out but he felt like a little like threatened by and I was like dude it's a podcast it doesn't mean like my life is gonna like I'm not like a famous person having a podcast I'm like a broke comic having a podcast it's like not the same thing but he just

sort of felt weird about it and he was like I don't want to be in your shadow and I was like there's no shadow there look at my bank account there is no shadow so they didn't work out and then after that I was like so thirsty I was so desperate I was like I need to find a new boyfriend and then I got to a point where I was just like girl why are you so desperate to like be in another relationship so I was like okay I'm just gonna take the next year to be by myself figure out what who I am in my 30s now because I started dating this guy when I was in my 20s and just really sort of figure out like what do I want the next 10 years of my life to be and of course I meet my boyfriend like three months after I made that declaration here we are and here you are guys

and and he and your schedules aren't easy to work around I mean if it hadn't been for COVID you guys wouldn't have been forced to spend that much time together yeah in 2019 I would say we probably spent like 35 36 weeks apart like it's just it's tough you know like you travel all the time and it's a grind and so then 2020 with COVID and everything we really had to like be around each other all day every day and I love him he loves me but I think I'm a person who like really needs their alone time to sort of like I did some work on myself so I read this book called Quiet by Susan Kane which is amazing and talks about like introverts extroverts and I'm an ambivert so I'm a combination of both so when I'm around a lot of people like I get my energy strained so I

really need to just like fall away for a while and then come back out and so he was just like oh this is great I could be around you like all the time and I was like uh I don't think I feel that way about anyone that's how I am I can relate to that a lot yeah I'm an ambivert but I also can relate to I feel sucked dry when I you know when I perform if I have shows like the next day I need to be alone in my bed not out and about it's like it's a big energy suck for me which is something I didn't recognize earlier on in my life yeah which is why I would you know my battery would run out so frequently because I wasn't mindful of the fact that how much you're expending versus how much you know and other people who don't feel this way if you're listening it's like

it's a performance thing for sure if you're a performer and you know I try to explain to my girlfriends all the time like if I go to a dinner and I feel like it's it's expected of me to be entertaining it's expected of me to be the life of the party and you know I when I explain that to my girlfriend sometimes when I'm like I don't want to go to this thing because I feel the onus she'll be like but no one's expecting that from you I'm like it doesn't matter if you say that or not I'm expecting it from me you know it's my condition so I have to dismantle that for my own behavioral you know behavior it's hard because you're you're a really funny person so everyone is going to be like oh I was at this event and Chelsea Hanlon there she was really funny you

know like you just you just know that people are thinking that even if they're not saying it like Let's just be real. So how did it work? So tell us a little bit how you acclimated to spending all that one-on-one time with him. Her partner is a tour manager. And he wants to do that for the, you know, for the next 10 years of his life, right? Or 15? Now he's like, I think he wants to do one more tour and then he's done.

He's like, I want to be home. That's more reasonable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but with that, those expectations were not that you would ever be in the same city for more than, you know, a 24-hour, 36-hour period unless it was a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went from like that where it's like everything feels romantic and it feels like a vacation because it's just three days together. So everyone's on their best behavior. And then it's just like we're quarantining together. It's like I'm a gassy person. I want to let it rip. I want my alone time. He wants to, you know, play video games with his friends over in the UK. And we were quarantined in a two bedroom apartment, which is a great size. But in New York, that's kind of tight. There's no balcony. So it was just we were constantly around each other.

So there are moments where I just had to be like, OK, I need my alone time. And so I would just go into a room with a cup of tea and just like read a book or scroll on my phone or watch like Sex and the City in the Bath and just like have that little bit of time apart. But it was definitely it was definitely hard. And we had to sort of figure out our rhythm because I like I didn't really know this is about me, but I like kind of a quiet home. And he would like wake up at like eight in the morning and put on like Band of Brothers like he loves World War Two movies. And so it would just be fucking machine gun firing for like an hour. I'm like, I'm on a Zoom. I just I was like, you need to turn this shit the hell down.

So it was a lot of that. But we figured it out. But definitely we had to be like, OK, I need this. I need this you're cranky you can't be cranky like this much because we're around each other all the time and I was like all right yeah I mean if my boyfriend wakes up with a loud voice I'm like shut the fuck up I'm like morning voice morning voices you know I don't like loud volumes in the morning I don't either it's too much I'm like I'm like there's no reason you need to talk to me before 11 a.m which I realize is kind of extreme so I like dialed it back yeah and video

games and sport to me video game the sound of video games and the sound of sporting events in the background makes my vagina close up i'm just i cannot fucking handle constant sports announcement on in the background it just reminds me of everything about my childhood that was depressing about a sunday sunday football games having to go back to school and having everyone just sit like a bunch of couch potatoes on the couch watching football all fucking day long so that's why i don't like sports everybody have you ever been to a formula one race he got me into formula one and it's so fun i bet i could i could get into i could get into a specific niche i could i how many times have you been to one of those things we went two weekends ago in austin there was like

140 000 people there so we of course got tested when we came back because i was fucking wild but i was never really into the sport i was just like oh i like lewis hamilton he's hot he's black go 100 and then he would always like watch it every sunday and i would just fall asleep to the race because it's like the the car engine's like really good asmr and then we went to actual race and got to see everyone i was really impressed and i was like oh shit this is a really hard sport and i'm super into it now oh that's cool yeah and what does asmr stand for just like it's a soothing sound like just hear like oh and then i would just like fall asleep to that on sundays yeah Okay.

That's like me just putting on my rain machine at night. Oh, you have a rain machine? Well, to drown out Joe Coy's CPAP machine because he has sleep apnea. So he goes into a submarine every night. He has to put this mouth guard over his mouth and turn it on. And it sounds like a very low level storm. And so then I have to up that so that I'm not listening to that. And I put on my little rain app, which is like thunderstorm or, you know, a hurricane, whatever you're interested in listening to.

is there any cure for sleep apnea yeah well you could get surgery he has a special kind we're going to go to the doctor together when we get home to la because i need to talk to his doctor directly since i'm also a medical professional but he claims that he has the type of sleep apnea that there's nothing he could do anything about you can get surgery but it requires your mouth being wired shut for like two to three weeks so you know obviously people aren't apt to get that men will barely even use that fucking machine because they're just like oh no you know it's a weakness but like without it he couldn't sleep and you're just you know without when someone has bad sleep apnea if you've ever been with anyone who's had it it sounds like somebody is dying

right next to you because they lose their breath and then they wake themselves up because they're they're choking so it's like like you their stomach goes in in and then it's a gasp so it's very un you know it's not very cooperative so you definitely need to use a CPAP machine because then he sleeps like a baby. And that's what I want him to do is sleep like a baby. In your book, also, you talk a lot about, which I think is really critical because there aren't a lot of blueprints for how to be a black female boss, entrepreneur, captain of your own ship. And you talk a lot about that and you break it down how it works for you and all the work that is involved in having your own imprint, in having your own production company, and also being the guiding

force of your very own career so what are some of the things something that has helped you that you've learned on your own that you didn't necessarily learn by reading about somebody else one of the things that so I started going to therapy like a little over a year ago and when I started going it was just because I was during COVID I was just like my whole personality is just work now wake up work go to sleep like I just that was the only way I could cope and I was just sort of like oh this is not healthy so let me go and one of the biggest things that I'm currently working through is I go to my therapist and I'm like oh you know like we're all a family here and I feel like the mom and blah blah and she's like y'all are not family

and I was like no but it's like a you know like we're all like we spend time together and she's like you are not family like you need to make this professional so one of the things I've been working on is compassionate detachment is that what it's called I think that's what it's called where it's just me not me just establishing boundaries and just being like I can be professional and that doesn't mean that I'm being a bitch because I think I was so worried about like as a black woman I'm like I don't want anyone to think that I'm angry or that I'm mad at them and so like I'm going to like go above and beyond and being like really cheery and like being super nurturing so everyone knows that I'm cool and like I'm not this horrible person and she was just like

you need to be professional. If you're going to be a boss, you can't be here trying to be everyone's best friend, making sure everyone likes you. She's like, not everyone's going to like you. And that's just a part of it. And, you know, sometimes it is like hard for me to just be like, I want to fix this thing or do this thing for another person, but I have to sort of reel it back. I'm the kind of person or friend where I will bend over backwards for other people. And I have to sort of be like, you don't have to do that for every single person. You can be a little more sort of discerning about it but it's hard because when you're I don't know if you ever felt this I mean you have been a boss for so long you're like so fucking dope but like did you ever

have those moments where you were like I want to do xyz but I'm afraid to do it because I'm not sure if people are going to like me afterwards I think it falls into the same category like it's just it's about people pleasing you know what I mean it's what you how you are in your life when you want people to like you and you want people to respect you. And that bleeds over when you do become a boss of something. You also, those characteristics are the same. Like if you're relying on people to like you, like you're, you're not going to be the most efficacious boss because that's not how it works. It's not a popularity contest. People are working for you for a reason and they have to deliver a product to, you know, there's, you can be cool and you

can be fun, but whenever we overextend ourselves, it's like, we don't get what we want. We ended up just depleting our own energy resources. And that's something that I learned a long time ago. My, my shortness or shortcoming is more that, you know, I just like, I like to just fuck off. You know, I like to have a lot of people around me and get very little work done. You know, I'm a bad influence in that way because I'm not really, you know, professional. And so I like to just get down to business when I'm there and it's my time. But when it's, you know, when everybody's around an office all day, I couldn't have probably set a worse example on how to behave because I just wanted, I wanted to have fun and I wanted everyone to have a good time. I wasn't as concerned with

everybody liking me as I was concerned with everybody having a good time, um, and wanting to be at that place of work, not because it ended up in a better bottom line, but because it ended up in a really fun place to be, you know, cause I remember being on, you know, even as far back as Chelsea lately, like I'd be so excited to get into work. I'd go in early because it was just like one big fraternity house, you know? And then I remember doing my Netflix show a couple of years ago and the vibe wasn't like that it wasn't fun because I wasn't in it anymore I was just like how little of time can I spend at this place you know like I would literally go in for my hair and makeup you approve all these ideas go watch the edit do that shit but get out as quickly as

possible and that's also a bad way to behave as a boss so I think we're always all learning but it's your personality that drives how you are going to be in a professional environment and it's a much different thing. And I think as a black woman for you, you will tell me, but I think it's, it's even more pressure because you want to set an example and you want to be the person that people are going to respect and look to for advice and so on and so forth. That's for any woman, but especially a woman of color, there's a, there's a lot more, I would imagine pressure on your shoulders. Absolutely. Like one of my former assistants, she was like, I've never worked for a black person before she was like all my bosses have been white most have been like

white dudes and she's like i really am sort of like curious about this new experience and it's just sort of one of those things where it's like well now there's this weird sort of pressure that i have to sort of like represent or behave in a certain way you know what i mean it's just yeah it could get tricky at times it's like i just want to do the job and i just want to be able to sort of like say what i need to say and not worry like oh is this not making the environment and not fun or, oh, is this like me being a boss in a way that's not going to make people feel good? But I just am getting to a place where I have to sort of trust myself and go, you know what? I don't need to second guess myself. I know what I'm doing and I'm paying the bills and I

should be allowed to express my opinions because of that. And also be open to people's feedback, right? Like that's really the best you can do is to hear when somebody's telling you something or there's something rubbed somebody the wrong way, then of course, then you should be there for that. You should always be open to hearing feedback and making adjustments, right? Because none of us are fully cooked and none of us are done growing or evolving or understanding our power. But the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and is to operate from, you know, the source of your power. Who are you? Why is your personality strong? How did you, you're the reason you got here in the first place, right? You're the reason you're in this position. So all of that data is

backed up by the virtue of you having this opportunity and that's something that i think women forget a lot and they have to remember you know you're in the position you're in because of you not because somebody did you a favor oh there we go i love that and on that note katherine should we take some callers absolutely now let's take a quick break and we'll come back and get to some callers we'll be right back we'll be right back behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers

get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability. Bell. Connection is everything. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table.

It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages.

Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network. Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, not that great.

Actually, can you help me shape this? How about we flip it on its head, right? How about we flip the script, okay? What if the surprise woman, who actually you think is the straight man, is actually the one who's acting weird? Adam Scott. this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that seems like if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept

you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like they're like oh it's so stupid everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way Will Ferrell told us personally he loves the show and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us, not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is, and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits.

change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, welcome back, everybody. So we're here with Phoebe Robinson and Catherine, and we're going to take some callers or some write-ins. You know that I'm always confused about how this podcast works. I don't know if people are live or if they're writing, but Catherine's in charge of that. So I abdicate all of my responsibilities to her. It's always a fun surprise for you. So our first email, just an email, comes from Kayla.

She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 28-year-old heterosexual woman. For as long as I can remember, I've known that I do not want to change my last name if and when I get married. I strongly identify with my father's side of the family and feel connected to my maiden name. On top of this connection, the tradition of changing a woman's name is so deeply rooted in the patriarchy that I struggle to think of it outside this framing. And not for nothing, it's also a pain in the ass to legally change your name. My question is, when's the right time to tell my current boyfriend that I don't want to change my name?

We've been together for a few months, and I could definitely see myself marrying him if our relationship continues to grow as it has been so far. I know that he feels the same way, but I worry that if I bring it up too soon, it'll freak him out or make him think I'm looking for a proposal ASAP, which I'm not. In my last relationship, I told my ex at about seven months of dating. It came up pretty naturally in conversation and I didn't think twice about telling him at the time, but he was very upset and told me he felt that I had been hiding something from him by waiting so long to tell him. I would like to avoid a repeat of that scenario, but I don't want to freak out my current partner by telling him

too soon so when's the right time best kayla oh is kayla on the phone she's not she's not but i thought this would be such a good one for you to talk about with with phoebe because that's like right up your alley phoebe yeah i'm not changing my last name i i told my boyfriend maybe like a year and i was like i will never change my last name for a man and he was like okay i mean i i I even have a problem. You know, I struggle with this, like I, with the concept of marriage, because I just think it's such a construct created by men to control women. So even the construct of marriage is I have, I just bristle at it because of course I want to marry my boyfriend. I, because it's important to him and I love him and, and he's worth marrying,

but like, I don't want to be a married woman. You know what I mean? I don't want to be somebody who's married because I feel a responsibility to not get married, to say like, you can achieve all of this without that. But that personal feelings about marriage aside, it's not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, to keep your birth name, your father's name, whatever. So your ex-boyfriend sounds like an idiot. So disregard him. And I just think of the natural time to bring it up is the next time marriage comes up in the conversation in a very warm, calm, you know, loving way. Like, just so you know, my father's name means so much to me that I would never feel comfortable changing my name it has nothing to do with our relationship in fact

I really have thought about this because I want to marry you so much or whatever you know your version of that is because it sounds like you do want to marry him and you said you did that you know it's just it's a totally reasonable acceptable thing to say to somebody and you don't have to bring it up prematurely just wait until the time is right I think we always have these ideas in our head that we have to have these conversations like when when just because you thought of it doesn't mean it needs to happen right away yeah and I feel you could also sort of test the waters if you're still kind of scared you can maybe just talk about other sort of like relationship things are kind of like milestones for you guys just to see if he's even on the same page as you in terms

of seeing this as a long-term relationship but definitely don't shy away from it like like Chelsea said it's not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name and if it means that much to you he will respect that if he doesn't respect that then he's out the door straight up exactly if he doesn't respect that then there's no question there you know like what he's gonna force you to change your name that's the man you're gonna marry I doubt it what was your boyfriend's reaction when you told him that he was totally fine with it like he doesn't like we're in the we don't want to have kids sort of thing and I don't know we just sort of want to live life in a our own sort of way and we were talking about getting married he was like oh I'm gonna ask your father for your

hand in marriage and I was like what like who cares and then he was like I think your dad will care so I just I'm gonna do it for your dad I know it doesn't mean anything to you but he's like it would be a nice thing to do for your dad and I was like all right but I'm we're going back and forth about it where I'm just sort of like I don't know like I don't want to wear white I'm 37 I don't want to fucking wear white and walk down I'm being a church like I just don't want to do any of that so we're trying to figure out like do we just want to do like a backyard thing like yeah i don't know i just wanted to feel like you said not like the patriarchy just sort of like i love this person and that's it and also just the wedding industry the capitalistic nonsense like i

said to joe i'm like listen we can talk about being married but like i'm not walking around with a rock on my finger like that is embarrassing for me and i'm never going to participate in that way you know it's got to be something low-key and it's not going to be like an engagement ring I don't want you getting on your knee which he would totally do and all of the things but yeah all of a sudden I feel the pressure of like just this idea because that's the next step that's the way you demonstrate the most love and it's like well then what do we do after we're married yeah you know anal I guess but you got you know what I did it anal on the first date with my boyfriend Really? That's a way to introduce yourself.

I mean, it's just like, listen, who cares? Let's get into it. I think people are warming up to anal a lot more than they used to because it's just another orifice that you should be using. Why not? As they say in España, ¿por qué no? Exactly. Okay. Well, I hope that helps you. Yeah. Let us know what happened. Follow up with us. And yeah, hold on to your maiden name. That's yours and that's yours. That's your family and that's your history. So stick with it. Yep. Problem solved, it sounds like to me. Sounds like it. So our next question comes from Sarah. We have her on the line. She works at a community center and her boyfriend is in tech. Dear Chelsea, I feel like my relationship is in a constant power struggle due to my boyfriend making significantly more money than I do. We split almost every monthly bill, including mortgage

and groceries, but the expensive things like the house, the furniture, the TV, and many flights and hotels are all paid for by him. In theory, that would be fine, but there are times he uses it against me. He'll say that he pays for more stuff and makes it seem like that's a valid reason for him to make more decisions. We aren't married but live together and have been dating for four years. I want to be in an equal partnership but find it difficult when he is the one who can afford everything and therefore calls a lot of the shots. I do think he should pay for more because he makes so much more money but I also want to be equitable and have just as many choices in what we do with our life together are we doomed to fight about money forever Sarah

hi Sarah hi hi this is Phoebe nice to meet you you too so get a little bit more specific does he kind of hold it over your head no I wouldn't say that I know it kind of sounds like that but But I think it's more just like specifically financial decisions, like things about like what we buy, like in our house and strictly financial stuff, really, that he's like, well, if I'm paying for 90% of it, like, I think he thinks his vote sort of holds more weight, you know? Okay. And you don't feel that way, obviously. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I kind of have to argue for things that I want. Like, we really need like a new dishwasher.

And he's like, no, we don't. it works fine. We don't need one. Like I have to kind of fight for like all of those types of things. And it sort of makes me feel like I don't have as much of a voice, I guess, when it comes to that kind of stuff. And even though I'm probably never going to make as much money as he does, I still just want to feel like it's 50-50 with the stuff that we do together, the things that are in our house. I don't want it to feel like it's his house and I'm living in it. You know what I mean? Absolutely. You shouldn't feel that way because it's a partnership. You're in a partnership and however much money one person makes isn't what a partnership is about. So him

holding the kind of purse strings in that way isn't hot or sexy. And you will only build resentment over that over a course of a long relationship. I just had this conversation with a woman three weeks ago and she was just like, my husband made all the decisions in our marriage because he made all the money and I had never had a say in anything and she's sick of it and she left him and he doesn't know what the fuck to do and I even when I told him I'm like she's resentful of the fact that you were in control of everything we all have a voice you know how much money you make doesn't define your value in a relationship so that's a sentence you might want to write down to make sure that you bring up when you have a normal calm conversation with him because it is

very archetypal for people men specifically to think that they have more control because they make more money and we're just not living in that time anymore where that's acceptable when you're a free-thinking person and you are well aware of your own value and self-worth and that it has nothing to do with how much money you make yeah yeah I think that because I am the breadwinner in my relationship and bae is totally fine with that but like if you're not both making the same amount of money one or both you might feel a little whatever about that and so it's good to have open communication about that and for him to sort of also voice what he's thinking about it and then he can if he even just says what he's thinking of oh well I think I should make all

decisions because I make more money just him saying that he might go oh shit I can't believe that's how I actually feel and then he might go oh I need to unpack that not we but he needs to unpack like how he feels like that creates a hierarchy in the relationship instead of it being equal because like Chelsea said like you don't want to resent him and he shouldn't be walking around like it's like the 1920s where he's making all the decisions because it's not and like you both bring so many things to the relationship and my boyfriend brings so much to the relationship that is not related to money and you bring so much relationship that has nothing to do with money and it's like that adds value that's a contribution and that should be recognized as

well. And he should also respect your contributions and bow down to you for all the great things that you bring to make the relationship special. Right. And reminding him of those things isn't a bad idea. You know, sitting down and just evaluating like what your qualities are, your attributes with regard to your relationship is an important reminder. And a lot of men are stuck in their roles as men and they needed to be reminded by us, the closest people to them, and sometimes with very gentle prodding and sometimes with very loud prodding, depending on what kind of guy that you're with are you guys in therapy at all or counseling of any kind we're not I've suggested it before but I think and then he's like I have to fucking pay

for it yeah no I think he would be open but we're good in every other aspect I think it's really just I think I internalize a lot of it which I think therapy would probably help like I think that it's my own insecurity sometimes like you're saying like feeling like I'm not the Brentwood or maybe I'm just, it's my own issue. And I think in his mind, he thinks that we are equal. And like, I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel that way, but I don't know how to get past feeling like that. You might also think about going to, since that is kind of the crux of the issue, a financial therapist. There are also financial psychologists that could help you guys unpack like where this is coming from for him, like why he feels like he needs to make

the decisions. And that way, rather than going to, I mean, I'm all for, you know, relationship therapy and marital therapy as well, but that could be something if he's not open to just regular therapy, helping you unpack some of the financial issues around that. That's a good idea. And also, you know, what you're saying about internalizing it. Yes, you're right. Cause I'm sure you could bring it up to him and he'll be like, I don't feel that way. What do you mean? We are 50 50, but like, you know, the dishwasher example, I'm sure you have other examples. Either way, it's important to start the dialogue and communicate between the two of you so that you have an open communication so that he understands how you're feeling about it

and how his actions can impact your feelings and vice versa, right? So he could be oblivious to this and say, oh my God, I totally think of you as a partner, yet you're having all these emotions. He still should know that you feel this way, that you are internalizing this, that you are thinking about it in a way that makes you feel like in this way, in the financial aspect of your relationship, you don't feel like it's even Steven and the rest of your relationship is great. And you do feel like it's equitable in those terms. That's also worth saying to him too.

I mean, start out with all the positives, you know, and then give an area where you can, where you would like to see some improvement and then start from that starts with you. You're going to start to improve the way that you internalize it and understand your value, but he also should be made aware of it because that's only going to bring you closer together being communicative in that way for sure that's good advice i'm definitely trying to talk to him and he does the whole like you said like i know we're 50 50 i don't know what you're talking about so i don't know maybe i need to word it in a well yeah it's also his actions right because he can say that but like what are his actions showing you know what i mean and that's where you can

point to him and be like, hon, even if you do feel like we're 50-50 in this moment, you made me feel this way based on what you did. So how can we work through that so it doesn't happen again, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And I also want to point out that you mentioned that you will never make as much money as he does. And that might not be true. You never know if he could have a lose his job in three months and not have work for a couple of months. And then you're the breadwinner or maybe you decide to change careers but you're doing good work and we just don't know what our relationships have in store so and look at it as like it's an exciting challenge to kind of face this like it's not a huge problem it's just a little bit of a thing right yeah and like look

at it as a great way to like experiment with your communication skills and also facilitating a relationship that grows together instead of apart right because resentment builds and that's all that's when people start to separate and they go off in their different directions so this is a great opportunity for you to kind of model for yourself, the behavior that you would like to see in your own relationship. It doesn't have to be a burden or it doesn't have to be scary. It's like, okay, how can I have this conversation the right way? How can I have it? So we're both on the same team. You'd want to remind yourself that you're on the same team. You know, you're both playing for the same team. It's not one against the other. So how can you both take care of each other's

feelings in that way? Yeah. Resentment building is kind of like my biggest fear because I can like since that starting. And so, yeah, that's good advice. Well, that's what women are known for. We build resentment because we have so much to be resentful for and we have no outlet to speak about it. So this is your moment. You're living in the best time ever to be a woman and fucking tell your truth. So start there. Another thing that might help is starting a new account where you two are sharing living expenses and you're not sharing them evenly, but you're both putting in the same percentage of your incomes. So figure out how much you need to live on depending on what expenses you're sharing. Maybe you don't share expenses for vacations or maybe you do, but you

share expenses for rent and for groceries and electric bill and those sorts of things. So you figure out how much you need and then you both put in the same percentage until it equals that amount of money. So it might be 50% of your incomes. It might be 90% of both of your incomes. But what that then allows you to do is even the playing field when making those decisions on what sort of stuff you're going to buy, because it's already in an account where, you know, the amount of money you've put in feels the same to both of you, even though it's not technically the same amount of money. It's the same percentage. And having an even playing field is kind of what we want, right? True. True that. True that. Okay. Well, it was nice. Good luck with everything. Let us know how

it goes. Okay. Keep us posted. Thank you so much. Okay. Take care. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you. it's funny I have the exact problem with Joe Coy he won't let me pay for anything ever and to the point where it's like Joe I know I have more money than you and you know I have more money than you please this is not

about and he will not like not even like an Uber drive we don't take Ubers but he won't even let me pay for anything and we go out to dinner with my friends he doesn't let anyone pay because he has such an ego about wanting to be the provider and it's just so it's just so silly the way that men have that you know and it's going to take so

long for us to peel that away and I find it so attractive to hear about your boyfriend who's okay with like you being the breadwinner because that is the way of the future you know more men need to warm up to that idea but I I will admit that when COVID happened and he like couldn't tour or anything at first I was a little bit like oh I have to like pay for everything like just it's like it's sort of like not a thing that you expect or you're sort of prepared for but it made me go like well what sort of like gender hang-ups do I have about this you know what I mean and now I'm in a place where I'm like oh it's great like his contributions are like amazing he makes our home like so loving and incredible and it's just sort of like you have to sort of

deprogram kind of the what society tells you is like what counts yeah you know what I for so long because I've been single for so long and I was so fiercely independent and so strong minded about not ever relying on a man or his income or in any way, really, even emotionally, I was stunted in that way that I couldn't rely on a man for that because I just have been disappointed by my brother or my father or whatever. And so for so long, I was always me, like the hustle was always up to me, my family, my friends, I was in charge of that domain, you know, of our, the worlds we create for ourselves. And so to come along and now be in a relationship with somebody who can contribute in that way is also a learning lesson for me because it's, it's like, it's such a nice

idea. It's like, Oh wait, it's not all on me now. We're going to, you know, on safari, we're going on some trip to Africa and we're taking my three nieces and we're taking his son and two of his nephews. And I was like, let's split this trip. It's crazy. And you know, of course he said yes to that he said yeah to his credit he said yes to that but i i thought oh this is so nice that it's not all about me having to deal with everything on my own all the time now i forgot about that i forgot about that element of like oh there's somebody else contributing so that's amazing yeah that's a nice development that's happened here you know yeah he's a p yeah exactly yeah what if you guys didn't get married you just did sort of like the kurt russell goldie hawn thing would he

be fine with that? Cause that can be an option. He'll be fine with whatever I'm fine with. Ultimately. He's very respectful of whatever my, there's part of me that wants to marry him because it'll make him so happy. And it's really about, I do want to make him happy. You know, I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to say, this is my wife. Cause that's what he wants to say, but he's already my husband. You know, I'm not going to date anybody after him. It's him and me. That's it. So, oh, I mean, that's how you feel too. Yeah. I told him, I was like, when you die because he's gonna die before me i'm like i'm just gonna my best friend from college care and we're just gonna get a house upstate and then we're just gonna like sit and drink wine and

that's it i'm not gonna date again that's right i told my sister that's what i said i said simone you and i are going to transition into later in life lesbians together at some point it's just going to be you and me and she's like why do we have to be lesbians why can't we just be together without being lesbians i'm like that's part of the deal so she's warming up to that idea it's going to be a while though. I mean, you know, but she's getting older, my sister, because she's 10 years older than me. I'm 46. She's 56. So we'll see. I mean, hopefully, you know, Joe has stamina though. I mean, I'll probably die before Joe because he's older than me. He's 50, but he's got some sort of Filipino DNA that gives people extra energy. He can do, I've never seen anybody

like him. He just, we went to the gym this morning and he ran four miles. He hasn't run in like a year. And he just ran four miles. And then he's been working out for four days. Like he comes to the gym with me every morning. He's been working out four days and his body already is like more muscular and leaner. I'm like, I can see your muscles already. It's just a fucking joke. But he's got some weird strength. Well, our next email comes from Jess. She's 35. Dear Chelsea, I recently quit my job of 8.5 years at a small nonprofit organization because of its extremely toxic work environment. I left very abruptly, and to my surprise, many people close to me, both personally and professionally, were very supportive. Everyone assured me I'd land something

better and that I deserved more respect and, frankly, a respite from the burnout. It's now been about two months, and I haven't found anything. I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence. I went from an independent career woman living on my own terms and taking care of all my own shit to a 35-year-old loser living back with her parents. I want so badly to get back my independence and self-reliance, but I also really want to wait for a job opportunity that feels like the right fit in a field I have more passion for. Any advice? Jess. Stop calling yourself a loser. Yeah. First of all, stop that. Yeah. If you're not on your own team, then you are behind. You are setting yourself back by so much when you are not rooting for

yourself. So you have got to be rooting for yourself. And if it takes you writing down sentences that say, I matter, I have value. If you have to write that down and say self-affirmations every morning, when you wake up, start there because nothing is worse than calling yourself that you don't, you're not a loser. You had a bad situation that you're not in anymore. That's a good thing. You're living with your parents. That's temporary. That's not permanent.

It's only permanent if you believe it's permanent. And now you can work towards building a better life for yourself and getting the job and the opportunities that you want. But that's not where your happiness is only going to come from. You know, all of this is an inside job. So you're not just going to get your meaning and defining moment for yourself through your work. You also have to cultivate that in other ways with your friendships, with your hobbies. Start there, you know, start exercising, getting outside, getting out of your own ass because you're having a pity party for yourself right now. And that that doesn't go anywhere.

You're the only person able to pull yourself up out of that. Two months does not a career make. I mean, no, no, not at all. And, you know, it's OK to feel sorry for yourself. I mean, we've I'm sure you, Phoebe, have had periods of time. have a pity party but you have i i stopped my pity party's gonna only last for two days that's my new rule it's like after that you have to just move on take the 48 hours take the hit feel bad but then like chelsea said like what maybe like while you're in the morning you decide okay i'm gonna

i'm gonna apply to like five jobs a day in the morning and then like you can spend like your afternoon like cultivating some hobbies hanging out with friends like taking this time to sort of eat pray love even though this wasn't like intentional you know what i mean but take this time to really sort of figure out what you want to do, what brings you joy while you're looking for a job. I remember during the recession in 2008, I worked at this film company, it shut down. And so then I just took like temp jobs, like I worked like half the day and then I spent the other half of the day like journaling or writing or what have you. There are so many things that you can do. And also it's so amazing that you could stay at your parents' place during this

transition because so many people don't have that and so use them as emotional support too and like have them like help you get through this season and encourage you but you you have so much going for you and the fact that you could recognize you were at a toxic work environment and you could leave it that is amazing because so many people don't have the ability to believe in themselves enough to step out of a bad work situation so give yourself some freaking props for what you're you don't deal with your life instead of sort of looking at like, oh, I dropped the ball. You didn't drop the ball. You're getting yourself to a better place. Exactly. Exactly. And it's an opportunity for growth. Anytime you come out of a bad situation, it is an opportunity for you to

open newer doors that send you in the better direction for your life. So when you say no to something that doesn't meet your standards, you are raising your level of standards to something else. You know, whether the decision was made for you or you made the decision, your standards are different now because you're not in that situation anymore. And so you can apply that to your love life, your friendships, your hobbies, and your work. You set the standard of what's going to be acceptable to you. And you look at this time in your parents' house as a gift. This is a gift for you to recalibrate and get yourself on the right track so that you can be in a different place in six months. Don't denounce the place that you're in, accept it and understand this

is temporary too. You're not going to live with your parents for the rest of your life. So it's, it's a huge opportunity and you just need to flip the script on yourself and honestly start out with affirmations in the morning that they're not going to hurt you. Just wake up and say, you're valuable. You're beautiful inside and out. You're, you know, you mean something and who you love and who you're grateful for. Instead of looking at what you don't have, look at the things you do have and build on that because that is the power of positive thinking.

It sounds like a cliche. It sounds like something only spiritual people can access, but it is very practical and it's It's a huge tool that will help you through the rest of your life. If you can learn how to use it and apply it to your life right now, it's going to be your best friend. There's this app that I use. It's called I Am Affirmations. And they send me, I want to say maybe like 10 to 20 throughout the day.

And I always find, especially on low days, the affirmation that they send me somehow is the perfect thing that I need to read in that moment to get my shit together. so I highly recommend you can choose a cute background you can they have like a play sound where you can just like press play and they'll just like say it to you over and over and over again but it really will help you on those days when you don't feel that great about yourself I love that what's that called I am affirmations I am affirmations that's a good one thank you and what was the book you referenced earlier in the episode quiet by Susan Cain okay yeah I haven't read that one let me write that so good I read it in like a week I was just devouring it it's so

good. That stuff is very valuable because our narrative is what our, you know, especially when we sink low, we just get into ego. And when we're down, we just think about everything that is not important and rarely get to focus on the things that are. So yes, have the power to lift yourself out of this. You take your two days, like Phoebe said, and then get your shit together. I love that. well our last question comes from Samantha she says dear Chelsea I met my boyfriend on tinder and our relationship started off very sexually sexting often and hooking up I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but we ended up together we've been dating for a year now and everything is perfect except a month ago I found some messages on his phone that looked

like he was sexting other women. I confronted him about it and he explained that it wasn't what it looked like. He said that it's basically role play and that he messages other men about the women in their life. The men he messages get off on other men wanting their wives and girlfriends. Should I believe him? He seemed really embarrassed and I could tell it was hard for him to talk about, which makes me think that it's true. Who would make that up if it wasn't true? I did believe him right away, but I have a history of being naive and trusting too easily in relationships. I didn't want to kink shame him but I told him I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't think it was appropriate for him to sex to anyone else while in a relationship. He told me he

felt he had an addiction and it started before we started dating and it was hard for him to stop when he met me. He promised me and has since stopped and I have reason to believe that's true. Since then I found a few more old messages which were all dated from before I found out. Every time I bring it up or ask about it, he's very open, answers all questions, and is very apologetic. Do I believe him? Is this a deal breaker either way? He views it as a form of porn, but I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed. Thanks in advance, Samantha.

That's tough. That's a tricky one. Yeah. Yeah, I vacillated there because at first I'm just like, listen. And then she says he stopped. I think if somebody has an addiction and they throw around the word addiction, you should listen to that because that's not a light term, even though men can use that term just to get out of shit. Right. You know, men are like, oh, I'm a sex addict. It's like, why aren't I a sex addict? How come I don't know women who are sex addicts? But I can't tell you what to do in this situation because this is your relationship and this is you have to trust your gut here and follow it. If you believe him and you're still checking his phone and he hasn't made any more, you know, contact with other people, it just it sounds like a bigger issue than just the texting.

Right. Like if this is an issue, then there's more to the matter. You know, you are very hurt. People can change if you had that problem, you know. And if he seeks the right help, but him changing because you told him not to do it anymore isn't exactly the right way to go about having change. Right. Yeah. I feel like it won't stick because he's just doing it for you. And then he's going to have a moment of weakness and then the floodgates are going to open. And so I really do think that if he does think this is an addiction, he might need to really talk to someone about this in order for this to stick. because I just am worried that in six months it's going to start up again and he's going to be sending messages. You're going to find something. I just don't know. I just don't know if it's going

to last. Yeah. When somebody says I'm going to stop doing something because you asked me to and that the fact that he's been doing it since he met you implies that there you guys have been together for a year. Right. I mean, that implies that it is an addiction. Yeah. So I think it's a deeper it's not just like one and done. You have to have another conversation about it and possibly several to make sure that you can trust him and you being hurt is very valid and a good engine for him to make some changes but it sounds like you're gonna find that again like just off the top of my head and instinctively it sounds like you're gonna run into this problem with him again so I guess my advice would be to sit down and really unearth possibly with a third party

you know a therapist unearth what this is really about so you can get to the meat of the matter instead of just kind of putting a band-aid on the behavior you want to find out why that behavior is happening in the first place and why he has an addiction to sexting people when he's in a relationship with you yeah and I also feel like maybe there's because I don't want to kink shame at all but maybe there's a way that you guys can find something sexually together that gets you guys off rather than him doing this this whole thing on the side that's like making him excited that you know nothing about it seems like he's putting up a wall there and it would be i think better for the relationship if you guys could just like have fun sexually together without anyone

sneaking around so i don't know if that helps but yeah yeah yeah so i think you should just don't let it go right now keep unearthing what the get to the root of the matter on this one is what our advice is yeah i mean he obviously has some shame around it or you know he wouldn't feel that sort of embarrassment so maybe having her to talk to about it might help a little bit and maybe also just like needs to see a therapist on his own to really like you said yeah right to get it to get it sorted yeah so we'll have samantha follow up with us good luck we are going to take a quick break so uh you can hear an ad and then we'll be right back behind every night spent making the kids lunches there's a lot of suspense will they finally eat the veggies will the pesto survive

the first bite will the lunchbox come home empty half full or come home at all and will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers get bell pure fiber internet with crave netflix and disney plus from 94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability bell connection is everything when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying,

Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse.

Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first.

I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind,

or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook on the Big Money Players Network.

Our show is extremely accessible to first-time listeners. Each week, we talk to someone in show business, a.k.a. the biz, and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman not that great actually can you help me can you help me shape this yeah how about we flip it on his head okay how about we flip the script okay what if the surprise woman who actually you think is the straight man is actually the one who's acting weird adam scott love this entire time you've been expecting adam sandler to come

to visit the show i i would never let go of that i have i would never set expectations for something like that seems like if the universe allows for something like that to happen i'm open to it i'm always going to accept you know danny mcbride fine yeah it's all this fragile masculinity exuding i could smell it walking down the hallway to be honest with you i was like is that weed nope it's fragile masculinity yeah ben stiller no because a lot of times in out of context people don't get it or even know what a circle is you know what i mean like you're like oh what's the state everyone's so dumb and fake right fake and and also not interested or just like oh i've got my life i don't care about your life and a lot of other

big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us oh and by the way will ferrell told us personally He loves the show, and he wants to be a guest on every episode, but he's just so busy. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I want to follow up with you, Phoebe, about anal, because I think that's an important thing for us to be. I think it's important for women to talk more about anal. Yeah. Because I remember my girlfriend, I won't mention her name because she's pretty famous, and I don't know how outspoken she is on the subject matter,

but I remember hanging out at her house, and she was like, God, I love anal. And I remember going, really? Like you love anal? And I don't, I like anal too. I don't have a problem with that. And I think it's all part of the same machine, especially when you're on your period and you don't want to do that, you know, and it's a hot mess. and and i think there's something very erotic about anal and i feel like we all have this kind of dirty notion of it because why because it's for gay people or because it implies what because of the real is of its relationship to aids like what is our dirt why do we find anal to be such a taboo subject for women to talk about yeah i think it has to do with being homophobic this the whole like you don't want to be like related to that anyway and then also i think we just find a way to sort of make women feel bad about anything they do sexually you know whether it's

blowjobs whether it's just you know straight up like regular penetration through the vagina like all of it like we're always supposed to right it's like there's we can't win we can't win no no no that's exactly right there was so much the shame and master like i grew up with shame and masturbating Cause I got caught masturbating on a jungle gym when I was like in first or second grade. And I had found out about the feeling, maybe it was a little bit older, but anyway, I, I knew when you wrote up and down those, that those metal bars that held up the swing sets that that rubbed your vagina in a nice way that eventually it would be like, uh, like my teachers would have to come outside and get me and be like, I'd be running those monkey

bar or those, those metal bars like for way past recess because I had found myself. I was like, oh my God. But there's so much shame came from being just yelled at on the school playground by my teachers that for a long time, I never even touched my vagina. Like I didn't want anything to do with it because of the shame. And so I think sometimes we get, yeah, exactly. There is, if there's a way to shame a woman, why not? Same thing with blowjobs. The first guy I gave a blowjob to, I remember him putting his hand on the back of my head to push my head down and I lost it. Like I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's never happening. I'm never having a man do that to me and now you know I do you know I feel completely fine giving blowjobs because I'm in

love with somebody who does respect me and I don't have to worry about that so there is like I'm definitely having a sexual awakening in my 40s for sure because I'm so much more comfortable with all of this stuff and talking about it even though I used to be very promiscuous and outspoken about it it wasn't about being intimate you know what I mean so there is some there's a lot of value that comes with your ownership over your own intimacy yeah and just talking and communicating with your partner about what you like but you don't like what you're sort of like interested in but you'd like been too scared to admit it like all that stuff is only going to make sex better and more exciting and you're going to feel more comfortable with yourself so I think we got to just like open

the floodgates and talk about it all and when did you become when do you feel like you became your most comfortable self with your sexuality i think it's probably with my with my bae with british bake off that's his code name i just feel like he there's just like an openness and a vulnerability with him too so it just feels like a safe space where we could say whatever we can try whatever we want to try and it's totally fine and i there's no worry like oh my god so you're gonna think i'm like whatever you know what i mean because i think just growing up you're sort of the notion is that we're all supposed to be very like chased right and like not have that much sex at all but we're supposed to know how to do every single position and have such mastery over it and

none of it makes sense and so I feel like with him we could definitely have the moments where we're like in the zone it's really hot and like animalistic and there's also moments where it's like we're trying to be sexy and we like mess up we end up just like laughing and then we get right back into it I think that's hard to find and when you find that person it just brings all your walls down it brings all your walls down and the more comfortable you are with yourself the more comfortable your partner is right yeah because you it's it's just an energy that you give off it's like when you're nervous you know you can make other people nervous around you and so the more in touch you can get and the more grounded you can get with your own vibes i think is is an

important tool in grounding your you and your partner's sex lives sex life sex lives sex lives sex, lies, and videotapes. Anyway, Catherine, do you have anything to add on your sexuality? I mean, just that it changes. I've been with my, we've been married for 13 years, my husband and I. And I mean, really, even in like the last five years, like there's still surprises that happen. You're like, oh, this is what we like now. It's, yeah, it's fun how it continues to evolve. But that really depends on being open. Like you said, like trying new things, just try it if you don't like it move on to something else but having that partner that you trust and you can just like have a good time with laugh you know make fart jokes in the middle

like yeah and it's always good to say like to push the boundaries a little bit like if that's something you're interested in or if you want to talk a little dirtier or if you're interested in having a threesome like talking about that stuff you're going to be surprised like some people are so embarrassed I know I was for a long time to talk about what my actual desires were but but because I didn't want them to be like, oh, put off or emasculated or whatever. And then it's like, you know, the response usually is in kind. Like, you know, you'd be surprised what you're going to find out about your partner when you're really honest with yourself and with them.

Yeah. Bebe, before you go, did you want to ask Chelsea for a piece of advice as well? Oh, Chelsea. Okay. So I am 37. A lot of my girlfriends are my same age or a little bit older. A lot of them are having kids. And I have made the choice to be voluntarily child-free, which I'm very happy about.

But when you don't have kids and your friends have kids, like your relationships and your friendships change. And so sometimes I'm like, shit, I don't want to bother my friends. Should I reach out to them to hang out? Or am I like not important enough? Like, I just don't know how to like navigate these friendships as they change. Or should I just find new friends who don't want to have kids either? And then we can like hang out together.

I'm just trying to figure out, like, what's the new normal and all this happening under COVID where everything is just socialization has changed in general. I just don't know where my place fits in. Yeah, I think I think, first of all, it's always nice to be making new friends, whatever stage of life you're in. You know, like I just was living in Whistler last year for three months and I made a group of girlfriends because I was there by myself. I couldn't bring my family or my friends because of COVID. So I had to make new friends and it was just one of the most like joyous times of my life because I had never had to make friends, you know, I hadn't been in a situation where I was just like, I didn't know anybody and I just had to be like a local yokel and I loved

it. So a, you're going to be always making friends and being open to that is good. I mean, you seem like you're pretty well-rounded, so you're going to be open to meeting people anyway. And with your job, you're always going to be meeting people. So being in this industry, there's always people coming in and out. But the other thing is, is like, you know, when my friends have kids and they're important to me, I just make sure that I show up at their house, you know, like I show up so that they're not having to go out of their way to meet up with me. Like I'll go over there, have a coffee, have a drink, hang out with them, hang out with their kids in the background.

Or if their kids are cool enough, I'll hang out with their kids, too. But there's a lot of people in my life that have babies or small children. And I always prioritize those people and make sure that that I know that I have to go to them. You know what I mean? And, you know, I don't love children or anything. I mean, but I love my friends' children enough to be able to like be present in their lives and understand that like the first eight or nine years of having a child is like somebody is in a completely different situation. I have the leisure and license to be able to pop over there more easily than they can do it. so in those times I think it's really important to show up for your friends in those ways it's not mandatory but it is a nice thing to do out of friendship to be like hey you know you've got a newborn you're dealing with this and then you know if you have the type of friend that all they can do is talk about their child and want to be with their child all the time and everything's

about the child that doesn't work for me yeah if you have the type of friend that can separate the two and have a life that's independent of the child and still as like a woman who's your friend who's interested in talking about world issues or gossiping or whatever floats your boat, then, you know, you can still honor that in certain ways too. But yeah, people who are completely consumed by their children, I have a hard time with.

Yeah. Because that's not my life. That's your life. And now we're not sharing. Yeah. And then sometimes it just feels like because I'm not a mom, I'm constantly like, hey, how's it going?

Is there anything you need from me? You just feel like sometimes you don't get that back, but maybe that's just an expectation that I shouldn't have. You know, I think it's unfair. I think when people are really in the throes of it, we should cut them a little slack when they're parenting, because look at how we don't have like we don't have those. You know, we don't have to do that. So what's our excuse? What's keeping us from showing up a little bit extra for our friends when they're in that moment? Right. They're looking at us like, fuck, she's single. She can't ever fucking come over here. What is she doing? She's got to drink all day. It's like, yeah, I have responsibilities, too. No, I could totally come over and hang out there for a couple of hours.

yeah and that goes a long way you know spending time with people in their homes when their kids are around is a very great way to spend time with somebody you know when you grew up and your family was like watching tv doing nothing yeah and that's those are the most comfortable moments when you're all just together in a house so it kind of takes also it lessens the pressure of having an incredible time yeah you know you swing by you show your face it goes a long way you have a coffee or have a cocktail or smoke a doobie whatever you're into and it kind of brightens their day that's how i feel when i go to my friend's house who have kids i'm like okay it's time to go brighten their day oh i love that yeah okay that's great i'm gonna do more of that oh good great we're going out with

a bang thank you phoebe for being here today it was such a pleasure so nice hanging out with you and talking to you this has been so fun i'm not gonna like fangirl over you but this is really cool so thank you so much for having me on well thank you thank you and make sure you guys you can check out her hbo max special sorry harriet tubman and you can check out her latest book which is please don't sit on my bed with your outside clothes that's correct boom okay with regard to my stand-up you guys i have added 30 cities we've added des moines we've added your requests people who requested louisville kentucky guess fucking what i'm coming we've added montclair new jersey we've added a whole slew of cities so if you have not gotten your tickets yet do it

chelseahandler.com we just announced 30 more cities niagara falls i'm i'm talking to you too so suck on that i'll see everybody on tour loving it vaccinated and horny and if you have a question or you and a loved one have a question please write in to dear chelsea project at gmail.com i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for

anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors

and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our hometown is not a test tube.

90 miles northeast of Nashville, a battle for the future of America plays out in one small town. Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land. We need cities on a shining hill. This is Our Town, a podcast about what happens

when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment and fights back. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.

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