Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - Very Small Yachts with Bobby Berk

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Chelsea is joined by Queer Eye’s Bobby Berk to talk about leaving his religious background behind, accidentally winning a week on a private island, and how to win an argument when you’ve been with the same person for 18 years.  Then: A yachtie gets her dream job - and it’s making her sick.  A trans dad wonders how best to communicate with his young daughter.  And an interior designer struggles to put her foot down with friends who want freebies.   * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater September 28th. get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. each week we're connecting the dots between books the internet and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions yeah i'm obsessed i'm obsessed listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts hey this is hayes davenport and sean clements we host the podcast hollywood handbook each week we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to

offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like sarah sherman adam scott danny mcbride ben stiller and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us listen to hollywood handbook on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself

because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea.

Hi. I'm coming off of a very big week. Grammys. We had Grammys. I was nominated for Grammy for Evolution, Fast Comedy album. I did not win, but it was really fun to go to the Grammys. I've never been before. So Joe and I went and then we just turned it into a three-day birthday bonanza for Joe because he didn't get to celebrate his 50th birthday during COVID because he was shooting his movie called Easter Sunday, which comes out in August. And I had to celebrate my Buddha because I love him so much and his whole family's in Vegas. and I thought, why don't we just turn the Grammys into a three-day party? And that's what we did. Easy. We had lots of late nights and we had dune buggying. We had pool parties and we got to see, I had a lot of friends come and he had a lot of family come and he's a happy camper and I am scot-free. You know what I mean? I am in the opposite of the doghouse for the next, I'm going to say six months. Okay. Excellent. Yeah. At least until his next birthday, right? Yeah. Well, that's the problem. His birthday's in June. So I'm kind of like, fuck. But I'm going to be on tour. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh performing that night. It's June 2nd. And I believe he'll be with me. So we will be selling and braiding his birthday probably on stage in Pittsburgh. I will make the whole audience sing to him. yeah so anyone coming to our pittsburgh show i can't wait pittsburgh's one of my favorite cities

like it's such a shitty rap and it's such a cool city it's kind of reminds me a little bit of uh portland a little bit yeah oh hi honey i was just talking about the birthday party that i just threw for you and our three days of magic and oh that's nice hi how was this birthday party how was your birthday party she's asking oh it was amazing yeah incredible the only problem that we're having in our relationship right now is that his body is reaching a pinnacle and my body he i'm the buddha now i i told him there's only room for one good body in this relationship yeah yeah and then he stole that role so i actually have to get back on track because my time up in whistler put me over the edge too many moscow mules cheers but cheers by the way cheers cheers so let's intro our guest

everybody knows him from uh queer eye and that's emmy nominated show correct so there's that yes uh his name is bobby burke and he's our guest today oh hey oh hey girl what's up nothing how are you good morning what a beautiful vista you have this this is a much better reaction than the last time you were i were on zoom together when you said who are you what was that game it was like could we be friends or something yeah they were like describe that was like who are you it was it was devastating because i knew from the moment you said hello who you were i was like oh this is jelton oh you know what don't even take that personally i mean half the time i'm so stoned i don't even know what's going on so please don't

take it personally bobby oh i i didn't i didn't i didn't at all i haven't been in the game that long where are you that looks so pretty i'm at home oh i'm at home excuse of course you are that's the difference between design experts and design non-experts what i i control the landscape behind me i guess so yeah i could i could show the landscape behind me look technically i do so full disclosure the window that you're looking at is technically in front of me right now he just pulled it down and it's a green screen but if i sit in front of it then it washes me out you can't see me because it's too bright behind me but i like that scene so i just took a video of it and so i get to look out the window and you guys get to look out the window

oh that's awesome hold on one second you guys okay yeah one second i'm sorry sorry a masseuse just showed up at our house in the morning and i have to let joe know he has a massage because i never told him so one second you guys i thought you were gonna say and unfortunately i have to go get a massage oh yeah are you guys cool if we do this while i want to massage we're good honey you have a massage i forgot about that 9 a.m get ready she's gonna set up thank you so much okay and we're back are they gonna do it though like right right there i know that way you can there's a little you can direct you can direct her no no that's not what he likes yeah yeah yeah i like to direct all of his massages well last night we were in a bit of a

in an emergency situation because we were in whistler canada and we came up for like two and a half days for my friend's birthday and we got here and of course i made joe go skiing and he fell on his shoulder oh and then last night he was like i need a massage i need a massage so i like reached out to everyone and then somebody said oh we can't do it tonight we'll do it in the morning so we took that one and then someone came back and said we could do it tonight so we had a massage last night because i don't like canceling pardon my cough all week i've been sick in bed going how the fuck can you get covid twice in two months no you have covid no i just got my test back i don't right they say like 40 of cases are asymptomatic my husband's the same

way. He's a doctor, never got it. I had it and I was, him and I were snowboarding in Tahoe all weekend and drinking out of the same cup. And I just thought, you know, oh, it's cold and we're in high altitude. I've got a runny nose and I'm congested, sleeping in the same bed, in the same car. And then it got a little worse later on, but he never got it either. You don't need to be sleeping in, Bobby, you do not need to be sleeping in your car at this point. I just want to let you know that. You know, it keeps me grounded. Yeah. You can get a grounding mat for that. It keeps me grounded because my Model X that I sleep in does have camp mode so that AC stays on. I like when I leave my dogs in my Tesla.

You know how it has dog AC? What's it called? Where you like your dog staying in the car and you turn on dog mode. Yeah, dog mode. And so when you come back to the car, several times somebody's been like, how are these two dogs in the car with the windows up? I'm like, because I have dog mode. Okay. Do you see the huge screen that's lit up with the dog on it that says, don't worry?

Yeah. The owner will be back in 15 minutes, three hours later. Bert's on his back with his paws in the air like, where's my mother? Bobby, speaking of your partner, your partner's name is Dewey, right? It is. It is. And you guys have been together a significant amount of time, correct? 18 years, going on 19.

Yeah, a long time. That's so cool. I've been with my boyfriend for eight months. I know. I love it. I love that you two ended up with each other. It's so cute. It's so funny. I was doing a live stream yesterday and one of the guests on there was Joy Cho. But I kept... That sounds like one of our relatives. I kept hearing Jo Koi in my head because her first name sounds like his last name and his

last name sounds like his first name. So when I introduced her, luckily it was just on the practice i was like joy joy and she's like no you know it's it's i know but i'm like i'm hearing joe coy's head and my name when you hear it because your guy's names same syllables same letters just completely flipped and i'm like i'm sorry i know his name more than yours that's how i felt when you and i were playing that game bobby i thought that it was somebody else i was like wait bobby burke i'm like that i got it confused with somebody else named who knows what, but I was all over the shop. But I have to say, I get confused with our names because my middle name is Joy and his name is Koi. And then people call us Choi. So it's Joy,

Koi, Choi. So it's very confusing. All I know is that I'm now Filipino and everyone refers to me as a Filipino woman. And I'm just going to accept it because it's a culture I never thought I'd be a part of. Do you know what Mahal Kita means? I love you. And I know how to say Mahal Din Kita in return oh i didn't know that my ex is filipino oh really so wait i want to talk to you about your relationship with dewey and how what what i want to talk about what it's like to be with somebody for 18 years and like how do you guys keep that going and what is your relationship dynamic like is there somebody who you know wears the pants so to speak chelsea how homophobic of you to say i'm kidding well i'm a big homophobe everybody knows that i know i know which is why i

was comfortable making that joke to you because obviously you are not it's funny because i would say most people think and assume that i wear the pants in the family because he's quiet and i'm the more outgoing one and i'm the one that to the outside world is making the decisions but he's you know, like the NSYNC record, he's pulling the strings, you know, in the background. He's the puppeteer and he's the one making the decisions. Yeah. Not completely, but I think we have a pretty good dynamic as far as decision-making, you know, there's a lot of things that are very important to me that don't make any, that aren't really important. And then there's the big things that are important to him that he makes the decisions. Yeah. And what do

you and like do you guys fight are you healthy fighters like what what's your when there's friction how do you guys handle that we rarely fight honestly we used to we used to fight a lot growing pains would you attribute that to like the beginning of the relationship yeah and i definitely remember like every time we'd have a fight i was his first long-term relationship so every time we'd have a fight he'd be like okay well i guess this is it i'm like wait no no no that was just a fight. We're not breaking up. Like we're just pissed off about where we wanted to go to dinner. It's okay. It's okay. But yeah, we rarely fight now. Like when we fight, they will be big fights, but those happen maybe once a year at the most.

It's a nice annual tradition to keep up. Yes. Specifically around the holidays. Yeah. Catherine and I were talking about that because I find that I don't like, you know, a fight should be a fight. A fight is not an ending, you know, it should just be a discussion and then you know everyone can cool down and figure it out but joe and i have been in a couple of fights where he said okay well i guess this is it and i'm like oh come on joe stop it i know you don't mean that and i know and you have to understand for me you know like my history that is a trigger for me like if someone says okay it's over then i shut down because my brother you know

my my psychiatrist dan explained this to me so sagaciously you know that my idea i believed for so long because I you know my brother died was there one day and gone the next that I thought he goes that's how you think relationships end you you know that's that's what's normal to you so for me now I'd like to break that cycle and break that pattern like it can never be a threat for an ending of the relationship it has to be like okay wow we're both upset let's go to our separate corners and come back or even leaving in the middle of the fight you know that I've had a lot of traumatic relationships and a lot of the, both romantically and familiar relationships where people left. And so back in the, you know, when my, my husband and I first got together,

he's the type of person where he wouldn't want to sit there and keep talking about it. He would just leave because he needed space. And that was a huge trigger for me. I'm like, I need to sit there. We need to work this out. Don't just leave me. Yes. Yeah. I do that. Tell me when you're coming back. Yeah. I don't leave, but I want to go to a different room and take an edible and talk to you in the morning. Once it gets to a crescendo, if there's yelling, which I used to do, it's so funny because all the things that trigger me are my own behaviors, right? Always. But I used to scream and yell and be like, well, no, it's okay. We can work it out. And then if someone now yells at me, now that I've learned that it's not necessary to yell ever at anybody,

now if I get yelled at or if it gets to that decibel, I completely withdraw. I'm like, no, no, no. I'm not going to scream back and forth. I used to always be the yeller. I came from a very Southern family, like the yaya sisterhood. That was all my aunts. And so I used to be the yeller. And now I'm not. And now he's kind of the yeller. I mean, nowhere near the way I used to yell. But now he'll yell. And I'll just be like, why are you yelling? You don't need to raise your voice. And that pisses him off more, of course. Yeah, of course. Anytime somebody says, calm down you're like uh why don't i shove this orange up your asshole calm down he used to not want to talk things through and he would he'd be very um my covid brain i did have covid a few

months ago and i do still like words just aren't there anymore um he'll be very stubborn yeah it's scary that is scary scary actually just like the simplest of words like stubborn but he would be very stubborn and we'd have one little fight before we're getting ready to get in a car to go on a whole weekend trip. And he'd be like, I'm not going. I'm like, you're going to let this little fight ruin an entire weekend just because you're too stubborn to just say you're sorry. Yeah. But, and think about it. If it were like the opposite, you're both in a fight and you're like, okay, we're going away for the weekend. We have an hour to not talk and like cool down. And we're both committed to spending the weekend together after that happens. And once

we knowing that you're both committed to resolving whatever the issue is right like that is such a healthier way to go through go through things you know instead of stomping your feet and threatening to leave he's definitely got way better than at that i used to always be the one that would say i'm sorry and cuddle up whether it was my fault or not just because i didn't want to keep fighting but he if i didn't do that he could hold a grudge for days and weeks sometimes he would just dig his heels in and just be pissed for days so finally i have to be like i'm sorry i love you it's okay oh yeah yeah we'll be right back the jonas brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest jonas brother hits that have defined

a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the jonas brothers live at rbc amphitheater september 28th get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files i just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable i knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me i started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and i just started screaming

they are abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here.

It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out.

You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So you grew up in the South. I know you came from a kind of religious background, right? What religion? Very. Christian? Assemblies of God. Yeah, Christian. Assemblies of God. I went to an Assembly of God school growing up. Oh, so you know.

Yeah. Oh, I know. Really, Catherine? Yeah. It was non-denominational, but it was all Assembly of God. We had to sign a contract that we wouldn't smoke or drink, even outside of school, or of course have sex or any of that stuff. It was serious. I went to a Christian school in elementary. I think it was Methodist, maybe. But we didn't have teachers that would stand up and teach. First through kindergarten was all in the same room. And we were all in these little cubicles that face the wall. And we all had our own little workbooks that we had to work in. And it was a very, very, very weird thing. But

Yeah, grew up super religious. And so how did you, what age did you start to rebel against that religion? I would say probably at 15 when I came out and I realized that the people and the religion and the life that I had devoted myself to instantly turned their backs on me. And I started really kind of wrapping my head around what religion was and what I had been taught and what I believed. And I realized that I had just blindly been believing religion. bullshit like the stupidest bullshit and yeah i just started to look at it more logically and it still causes me a lot of pain because a child will never get over the hurt that is inflicted by religion but i definitely better now i still though do i i noticed this yesterday i physically

like snarl when i drive by a church i was on my way to set yesterday and i drove by a church and I noticed myself go, damn, I still have a physical, visceral reaction to driving by a church. I don't blame you. I think I have that reaction. And I've never really been religious. I mean, I grew up Jewish, but my mother was Mormon. So that was enough of a stain on my consciousness. Like, I just I couldn't believe that. I was just like, Mom, you're so much smarter than this. I feel like out of all the religions, Judaism, I feel like it's the least hellfire brimstone. Like, I mean, there's a lot of Jewish mother guilt, but I don't feel like there's as much religious guilt. Maybe it's just because I didn't grow up Jewish, but I am surrounded by Jewish friends.

And they all seem to be much more well-rounded with their religious upbringings than any of my Christian friends. Yes, they're not tolerant. It's not as hypocritical. Hypocritical. Thank you. Oh, look at your word retrieval. I'm in charge. There it is.

There it is. There we go. So it's not as hypocritical, unless, you know, extreme Judaism, obviously Orthodox is a different story. Right, right, right. But modern Orthodox is pretty tolerant, you know, and reformed and conservative Jews. The way I grew up was just totally everybody's cool. Like, don't worry about people who aren't Jewish.

That's okay. You don't have to proselytize to other people to try and bring them over to your religion. And I respected that a lot, especially after seeing Mormons in action, trying to recruit other people to become Mormons. That's a huge turnoff. And it's crazy because like, for example, the Assemblies of God, they aren't just happy with people being Christians. You have to be Assemblies of God.

Baptists were going to hell, Methodists, Mormons, Lutherans, Jews, everyone else was going to hell except Assemblies of God. You had to believe exactly like them or else you're going to burn in hell. Yeah, that is just such bullshit. it and at the end of the day i realized it's the assemblies of god corporate just wanting to make sure that all the tithes coming from all the christians are just going to the assemblies of god it's just it's i also don't like that word tithing that reminds me of the word moist you know it just is right up there in that category tithing it's like what it sounds illegal

should be i know i also like that you didn't get a high school diploma because i was very close to that not having happened. And the more people I talked to in this industry, the more creatives Catherine, you graduated from high school. I did. And college, right? And college. Yes. Yes. I didn't go to college and neither did you, Bobby. Right. No, I didn't finish high school. I didn't get my GED. No, none of that. My cousin said to me the other day, she goes, you got your GED, right? I go, no, Molly, I didn't get my GED. I graduated from high school. She goes, yeah. Oh, I thought you guys I thought you were like a total fuck up I go I was a total fuck up but I ended up going to alternative school which is like an offshoot for the slow on the uptake kids like the kids

who were drug addicts or whatever just I didn't go to school because I had a boyfriend that was older and illegal and I would hang out with him all the time and but when I knew I had to graduate I stopped everything I was doing and I just went to this alternative school where you could work at your own pace. And I did graduate in time, but by the skin of my teeth. My point is that there are a lot of creatives that haven't gone to college and haven't graduated high school and hadn't needed to, because that's not the kind of brain. Is it left brain or right brain? I think right brain is creative, right? And left brain is. And I have ADD, so it could be. Who doesn't? Who doesn't have ADD? My brain is apparently opposite of everyone else's.

But I forgot that, obviously, because I have ADD. Yeah. What's your relationship like with your family now? It's good now. Yeah. I mean, the last few years have been a bit trying, honestly, just with the lack of belief in science and not following a political party blindly off a cliff. So that's, yeah, there's been some family members that I've just been like, you know

what? We're done. You know? blood does not make all of this. Okay. You're out there voting for politicians who are very vocally trying to take away my rights. Yet when I have kids, you can't wait to be an aunt. Well, you can't have it both ways. You got to either support me at the polls and at home or not at all. Yeah, I know. I feel the same way. I don't have a lot of different political belief systems in our family. We're all pretty much on the same page, but I do have one,

one that I have a wife of someone in my family that I find it very difficult to deal with especially yeah especially right now so I am lucky in the sense that I haven't had to excommunicate most of my family but I'm on my way to excommunicating one of them I was going to ask you about drag because I had Bob the drag queen on and he was telling me how badly he wanted to see me in drag and I know that you used to do drag I did how did that work out for you well I only did it to make money because i mean that was back in like my living in my car days and homeless days so i was just like anything for a dollar well not anything well yeah let's be honest so yeah i um i had a lot of friends who were drag queens so they started putting me in drag

every weekend and i started shaking my money maker in drag for some dollar bills oh i didn't realize that i thought drag you just do for fun i didn't realize i guess it's yeah obviously it's paying gig too but i didn't realize that you did it for money yeah i yeah i did anything for money back then well again not anything but did you have a drag name um it was so boring i took my drag mother's last name and my first girlfriend's name because that's what you do to get your drag and i became jessica grant oh that's very dramatic it sounds like a character that belongs on knots landing yes yes yes yes yes our dynasty now though if i were to do it i'd name myself Sharon Butts. Sharon Butts? Yep. Sharon Butts. Sharon Butts. Oh, Sharon Butts. I was

like, Jerry Butts? Yep, Sharon Butts. Sharon Butts. You're gay. What are you talking about basketball for? Basketball? What? Wait, that sparked something in me and I already just forgot what it was about. Oh, shit. Are you sure you didn't have COVID? No, I didn't. I could. Who knows? You have to get tested every single day now. I'll find out when I try to get back to the states i'll have to take a test tomorrow yeah i'm sure okay so you're coming up on your sixth season of your tv show you said coming up on your 60s i was like well you are going to be coming up on your 62 so we should start getting prepared for that okay that's just around the corner we all need to get prepared it feels like it it really does feel like it this morning i

woke up and i was like oh god i'm like late 30s late 30s and i'm like bitch you're fucking 47 what are you talking about late 30s i was sitting there thinking about god 38 it's no big deal and then I'm like, I'm 47. I'm not even in the right number. I just turned 40 this last year. Yeah, I turned 41 this year. Oh, you did? 40 is a great birthday. Well, not during COVID, I guess it wasn't. No, I got rented this island off the coast of Tanzania. It was great. Excuse me. So funny story. The Elton John AIDS Foundation Oscar viewing party. In 2020, I was the host because Elton was nominated. So he asked me and my castmates to host it for him. So during the event, they have an auction to raise money, and this wealthy Dutch family

always donates this island off the coast of Tanzania that they own that normally rents for $47,000 a day. It's ridiculous. That's reasonable. And so the auctioneer is like, oh, you know, every year this goes for $300,000 in auction. So at 70, I was like, oh, I'll bid. I'll participate. But it's going to go for way more than that, and I'll stop bidding at like $100,000, I

guess everyone was like oh we can't bid against the host and just stopped bidding and i was like fuck no no no no bid oh my god i was like i yeah but at the end of the day it was the best vacation i'd ever had and i'm so glad i did it that sounds like fun how many people did you bring with you um seven fun nothing like renting an island right right it's your own little 19 acre island in the Indian Ocean. It was great. How long did you go for? One week? We're there for a week. That's so nice. It's hard to vacation after things like that, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you've got a whole island of staff and- Once you set that precedent, you're like, I can't really go for a weekend to

Palmia. This Holiday Inn is not heading like it used to. Holiday Inn. You know what? Speaking of Holiday Inns, I really wish that now that COVID is on the decline, that these hotels and motels need to reinstall the goodies. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brothers hits that have defined a generation. One incredible celebration. One unforgettable night. See the Jonas Brothers live at RBC Amphitheater, September 28th.

Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the burning up tour all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me.

I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. but these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page

are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books,

the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here.

It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to

aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure.

Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. To the mini fridge. i am so sick and tired of walking into a hotel room in the middle of the night after i perform in some city and having absolutely nothing in the mini fridge i need some options even if i'm not going to eat anything i like to see an array yep or there are bringing room service back or opening up all the restaurants when they're supposed to be yeah yeah traveling now i mean it's obviously first world problem at the moment, but yeah, I get it. When you're traveling away from home, you at least want some food in your room. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. I don't want to

have to carry my snack pack. Like I'm walking around like I'm a third grader. Although my snack packs have graduated from the days when my parents used to, I use quotes, pack me lunch. Now my housekeeper packs me little snack packs and they are much better and much more organized. It's like I'm living out my childhood life. I hated growing up because my parents were so messy and the house was always gross. We had a cleaning lady once a week and it was clean for like six hours after she left. And we had so many kids and animals and it was just always gross. My friends would come over and I would always be cleaning. And now it's like I have what I wanted as a childhood with labels and organization. And my housekeeper packs me and it's so organized.

and, you know, I have the right amount of underwear. I mean, it's just like I'm basically like in adult sleepaway camp is how I feel now. Don't forget your snacks. I know. She's like, here's your protein bar and your little antioxidant pack. OK, so we're going to take some calls and letters from callers who need advice. All right. Are you ready for that? Yeah, let's do it. OK, well, before we do that and before we actually even take a break, I do have a little bit of a follow up from a previous caller. OK, great. This is also just to sort of prepare you for the kind of drama that we hear here on Dear Chelsea. This is a follow up from our episode with Tinks. And Nicole had written in because I was sitting next to her at

Oscar party. Oh, fantastic. Nicole had written in because her fiance had a very close work friend and they would go see attractions together and have like day dates. And this woman was like, what's going on so she she wrote in she says hi Catherine and Chelsea I have an update after being on the show I decided to call off my engagement and break up with my fiance now that I'm out I see how much he was disempowering me in the relationship his quote close friend slash co-worker also kicked him to the curb he's been trying to win me back and being super manipulative about it but i told him to quote taylor swift we are never ever getting back together thank you so much for the great advice i'm so grateful nicole oh good for you

right on i just said fuck on i guess that's my new expression but when i with anyone you want now that is awesome i love strength you know because sometimes you give someone advice i've done this so many times in my life and they don't take it and you know you're being strong for them because they're not being strong or they're not in their strong moment because you know all of our moments of strength they don't always necessarily they're not in order sometimes we're strong and then we get weak or and you know it's not always consistent so when somebody can is strong enough to take action when obvi it's so obvious bobby this relationship was like this guy was going out with his co-worker like a couple times a week and wouldn't invite his girlfriend and

wouldn't stop seeing her when his girlfriend was like hey this relationship is making me uncomfortable and they were engaged yeah yeah and it's just like that's bullshit why would you ever want to disrespect someone's feelings like that in in 18 I never do anything without doing like except Hollywood stuff because he refuses to go to any of that but yeah like I would never just be like hey I'm going out with my friends I mean every once in a while maybe but not like every week or a couple times a week be like all right babe stay home i'm going out that's not the way to make a healthy relationship with this one person with the same person you know someone who is like heterosexual with a woman and no and then refusing not to when he knows his fiance

was objecting to it so for her to break that up nicole way to go way to be inspiring for all women everywhere and men you know whomever needs to leave a bad situation okay great update katherine I fucking love these updates and I love this podcast. Yeah, we're really changing people's lives. Yeah, yeah. Breaking up future marriages and everything. Yeah, so don't call in unless you're ready to leave your spouse. Exactly, exactly.

Well, we'll take a quick ad break and we'll be back with more questions. And when we say ad break, that means myself and today's guest, which is Bobby, are taking a quick shower and then we come back. Okay, ready? and we're back we're back squeaky clean oh my god i knew you were gonna say that i knew you were gonna say squeaky clean know me so see we could be friends you know me so well well our first question comes from greg dear chelsea i've been dating my boyfriend for two years now and he has just recently moved into our one bedroom apartment. My parents and siblings

have no idea that we're dating since I'm not currently out to them. All my friends know as well as my one cousin who I trust with my life. I've met my boyfriend's family and have been to their home a few times already. He's been very supportive with my coming out process and has not pushed me to come out to my parents. Although with us now being moved in together and having dated for two years, the clock is ticking. My family is extremely conservative and being gay is not something my family exactly agrees with as they've made comments in the past about gay people. I was thinking of maybe writing a letter to them

so I can get all my thoughts out without being interrupted as not only would I be coming out, I would also be revealing a two-year relationship that has been hidden from them all this time. I'd appreciate any advice you may have and thank you so much in advance. Best, Greg. Okay, Bobby, I'll let you helm this since...

So, I can definitely relate to all of that. when my husband and i moved in with each other it was funny because you know one better apartment in new york and his mom was coming to visit and he had not come out to her yet i had met her because i he had brought me home to his house in l.a but i was just a friend from medical school that was going to a medical convention with him that wanted to try vietnamese food which is why he brought me home i think she was more in the end disappointed that i wasn't a doctor than i was with her son but so before she came to visit and she was bringing her best friend and her daughter he wrote her a letter so he could get his feelings out and get everything out without

interruptions and that actually worked out really well for them what didn't work out though was that his mom didn't tell her best friend who was bringing her daughter to try to set her up with Dewey. And the daughter, oh yeah, the daughter just didn't get it. I'm like, hi, you're sitting in a very tastefully decorated apartment in New York. That's one bedroom with two guys living in it. What don't you get about this situation, girl? He's not into you. So I think the letter idea is a really great idea. I don't know your family dynamic, but I know that my coming out situation wasn't great. And a lot of times parents will react very negatively in the moment because they don't have time to process it and they react emotionally and they say things that

you'd never get over. And I know that they wish they would never have said. So I think a letter is a good idea. Wow. That's really poignant. I watched a movie yesterday on the plane called Joe Bell. I had never heard of it, but one of my really good friends, Connie Britton was in it, surprisingly. It's Mark Wahlberg and Connie Britton. And it's the story of a young boy in Oregon who comes out to his father and his father's kind of a redneck and it's beautiful. And it is a beautiful kind of depiction of why it's so important to embrace your children when they give you news that you don't want to hear, you know, and to have some sort of understanding of how difficult it even is to come out you know for straight people because

they don't understand they can't empathize because it's not their their situation and it's not their experience and they want to resist it and figure out a way to fix it so that it's not true and you can't change somebody's truth so i think a letter what you said is absolutely right you know because that gives people time to digest before they can react in real time and it's not a pussy move like not confronting the situation. I think it's actually the most effective way to get your message across because it allows people to read and reread, you know? And yeah, go ahead, buddy. It also allows you to really think about what you're saying. Yes.

And instead of you reacting emotionally as well. And, you know, one of the things that the LGBTQ community needs to realize about their family and when you're coming out is we've had our whole lives to figure it out and to come to terms with it and and to accept it and often we expect our family to instantly accept it and feel the exact same way when they're they're mourning the person they thought we were there at the time a lot of process thoughts are going to their money though they're never going to get married they're never going to have kids i've never got my grandchildren obviously they're going to realize that that's bullshit and you are going to get married and you possibly are going to have kids. But you know, we, again, we've had our whole lives to figure

this out. So we need to, to give our family a beat sometimes to come around. And if they don't come around instantly, mine did not at all. You know, I left home at 15. I didn't speak to my family for years. And now my dad will FaceTime my husband and not even ask where I'm, you know, my dad's this 81 year old cowboy, you know, he calls him doo doo. He lowers doo doo. He loves doo doo, you know, and my, and one of the things that I think will, will help in this letter is talk about your relationship. You know, I think my family back in the day, you know, they didn't think of gays as being able to be in loving, healthy, normal relationships. And so one of the things that really helped my parents come to terms with it, most of my relationship with my ex

that was about three years. And they saw me in this regular, normal, loving relationship that was way healthier than any relationship my sister had ever been in. And they started going, oh, okay. And they really liked him. And they, I noticed the wall started coming down and they're like oh yeah this is fine you know so in the bottom and the way in the back of the mind i'm sure they still because of their religion the religion that's ingrained in them they still wish that i was straight but they do now love and accept me for who i am and they love my partner well you said something interesting you said like they're mourning the loss of who they thought you were it's like they're actually just mourning your sexuality yes they're mourning who they

wanted you to have sex with like yes think about it in such fundamental terms because that's basically what it is yeah your sexual predilections is what they're mourning not the person you are because you are who you are you've always been that person you know they love you and they will continue to love you whether they are able to express that you can't stop loving somebody sadly so much of our identity in society is tied to who we have sex with like so much of our Our identity is entwined with that. I'm like, that really should be the least of our identity. You know, I long for the day when no one has to come out anymore.

You're just, you are who you are. And also, I would like to say to you that the longer you put it off, the longer that you are postponing the situation that Bobby's now in with his father, where his father has come around. So, like, don't postpone your future anymore. Your parents, yes, they're conservative. They may have a hard time with it. They may also surprise you. you know, they may also be like, okay, we're going to deal with this. Or, you know, they may say, I love you no matter what. And hopefully that will be the situation. But even if it's not

by putting it out there sooner than later, then you're going to get to the result you want sooner than later too, because it is most likely that they will come around. And they might also say, yeah, duh. And you know, we knew, and you've been allowing not sharing this with them to be a wedge in your relationship that keeps you from getting closer and keeps you from enjoying the love and acceptance that you will feel even more when they love and accept your relationship. And one other thing, by keeping this and kind of, I know you're not living a lie, but they will consider it to be living a lie because they didn't know the truth. You've been in this relationship for two years. You've been living with this person. That's just

giving them ammo against when you do tell them, you lied to us for so long. All of that, you just want to diffuse, just like get it out. So it's out and be open. And I, I promise you, you're going to feel better about it. You're going to feel better about yourself, whether or not your family is on board right away or not. You're going to feel clear and you're going to feel like something has been lifted. And this is coming straight from a gay man's mouth. The emotional turmoil and the toll that it has on you, hiding that, like thinking about having to watching what you say and watching what you do. It is, it is a lot. And so even if they don't react great in the beginning, just the weight off your shoulders that that will take the

emotional bandwidth that that will free up for you to make your relationship even better than it already is, is worth the little bit of turmoil it might cause. Yeah. Okay. So, so I hope you take our advice and let let us know what happens please this is this is a necessary follow-up yes keep us posted greg good advice bobby great advice yeah well our first caller today is alex alex is from michigan he says dear chelsea my name is alex i'm a female to male transgender man i've been on my journey of transitioning since 2015 during late 2015 i met my now wife and in 2018, we had our beautiful, smart, loving daughter Sutton. Sutton is three on November 16th, and I recognize the topic of gender is coming up more and more as the days go on. We live in a small

town in West Michigan, and she comes home from daycare with very binary concepts of girls like these movies, etc. It's terrifying to me what she's learning at such a young age. We obviously combat it all as we're very open about our support and love for all things and people identifying out of the binary. Our best friends are nearly all gay, lesbian, or trans, and all have their own families, including kids. I'm struggling with the conversations around how to be a dad and stay validated as that to my daughter while also being open about who I was, quote, born as. I'm in therapy as well as working on me and how I present and fit into the world, but adding the layer of Sutton growing up and becoming more intuitive is a lot of pressure. I have a big surgery,

bottom surgery coming up within the next year and a half. So she'll be very impressionable during that process. How should I prepare her? Also, if you have any ideas on how to meet cisgender guys to make friends with, please tell me. Thanks, Alex. Hi. Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, Alex. Hi, Alex. I didn't realize you were going to pop on. I was like, oh, yeah. Hi. i'm here you're here yeah how are you doing i'm doing well awesome how are you doing i'm great looks much sunny where you are in west michigan it's snowing still so not quite spring i'm actually in canada looking for some snow so if you could pass it over here i would appreciate it there we go yeah i'll send it that way bobby burke is our guest today so he's here with you great to meet

to you, Alex. You too, Bowie. And my co-host Catherine is here as well. So yeah, you're in good company. Okay, well, let's start. So you're going to be honest with your daughter about everything, right? Absolutely. Yes. Honesty is the best policy for sure. I think it's where I'm at and with my wife is kind of having a hard time figuring out, don't want to make it a detriment to her growth and have my story or my personal journey be too impactful to the relationships that she's trying to build with folks in her life. And I know that she's a toddler, right? She's got a lot of life to live.

But I think that at this point, it's just a little bit difficult to see how much of myself I should tell her so that when she gets into those conversations, she may feel like she needs to be the hero for me. And maybe that's not something she wants to take on. Hmm. Well, that's very sensitive. But yeah, I understand what you're saying. And I don't know what the right age is. I mean, I don't know what the right age is to tell a child whether they were adopted or that daddy used to be a woman who has transitioned three sounds young. I don't think that that's necessary in this moment. But you obviously don't want to be lying about anything, right? Because that's what children hold on to is the lies that they're told. That's what hurts them the most. I was adopted and I was told at eight, which I think might have been slightly too young. Oh, slightly too young. Yeah. I think especially, I mean, when we were little, things were very different. I think

younger kids have their brains have way more information in them now. They know about way more things than they used to. So I think for me at the time it was a little young. I think 10 might've been a little bit better, but I definitely think three might be too young. Yeah, three is too early. But you do want them to not have it be such a reaction, right? It wants you want it to be part of who they are, like part of their understanding so that you're never sitting down and being like, Oh, my dropping some sort of bombshell, right? You want them to be comfortable with the notion of what your reality is, because there's no reason for her not to be. I'm assuming Sutton is a girl. Is that a correct? Okay. So I think you should really talk to actually a real professional. I'm sorry we don't have one on today. I'm doing another episode. I'm going to ask my psychiatrist, Dan, because he specializes in adult and childhood psychology. And I'll ask him for sure. And we'll get Catherine to send you what he thinks about that. But I definitely think, yes, you want to be as honest as possible. Children are smarter than we were when we were younger. They understand things much sooner than we did. They have access to all sorts of information by the time they're eight. So I actually think eight is probably a little too late, but maybe it's the right age or maybe it is too early. But I think that, you know, when you're telling your story, I've noticed when you have a positive outlook about what you did and what the choices that you've made and the way that you were born, right? Because a lot of them aren't choices. It's not a choice to be transgender. It's the way you were born. and if you have a positive outlook and you have a positive outtake about it and you're not traumatized by it and you don't pass on that trauma to her then there's only good stuff to take

away from that then there's only good ways to instill that idea in her and the younger all of us learn tolerance and acceptance and that everybody's path is different the better human beings we turn out to be so you only have good stuff to spread to her it's just a matter of when and how much. You don't want to put a burden on a three-year-old, obviously, because she doesn't understand that yet. She doesn't even understand what private parts are really yet. So not that that's the only thing we're talking about, but it starts there, I think, for a lot of kids. Katherine, what do you think? I mean, I think that there are different ways to explain things to kids as they age. And the language that you would use with her when she's eight or 10 is

going to be different than if you do start talking about it now. As far as like you said, daddy was born a woman and now is a man and we love everyone. And, you know, it's the same thing as like some people have two mommies and some people have two daddies. And that's a very different conversation if someone is, you know, 14 or 15 and you're having those conversations for the first time. But to me, it feels like if it's just a natural part of the conversation, like it already seems like it is in your immediate community. You don't have to get too granular with it. But just having that be part of the conversation, I think is great. The other thing is, we may want to get some advice from Dan about how to address the surgery portion

of it. Because you will have some healing time and some recovery time. And you want to frame it in a way that, you know, daddy's not sick, but you know, having this recovery. So we might want to talk to Dan about how to address that and what language to use there. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's definitely do that. And we will circle back with you if he has resources about like certain therapists who specialize in this, which I'm sure there are plenty in specializing these kinds of conversations. And we'll give you those resources as well.

That would be fantastic. Yeah. Bobby. My personal advice, and I'm sure you're already doing this, but this is kind of for advice for cisgendered parents out there who want to be better advocates and allies for the trans community is stop letting your kids think of things in such a binary way. Like these are boys' toys and these are girls' toys. And like you mentioned, these are movies girls like and movies boys want.

All that was created by corporate America wanting to sell more toys and wanting to sell more movies. Oh, well, let's make the girls' toys pink and the blue toys blue. So that way they have to buy separate toys, you know? So get away from teaching your kids that, oh, no, no, no, girls don't like baseball. Girls can fucking like baseball. or girls don't like cars or boys shouldn't like Barbies. Sure they can.

And if cisgender people would start getting their kids away from this binary way of thinking, the rest of us wouldn't have to be so concerned about how are we gonna tell our children and are our children gonna have to be taking up for us in school and defending us? Like, I know that's what you're probably most worried about is Sutton having to be defending you

when if it wasn't for the other parents teaching the kids wrong, she would never have to. So my advice is, I know I personally don't have a ton of advice for you. I think Chelsea's idea of bringing in a professional that deals with this is a great idea. But my advice for the world to help ones like you is stop teaching your children that certain things are for boys or certain things are for girls. And it's just, the thing is for everyone. Yeah.

It sounds like your whole lifestyle anyway involves men with men, women with women, and men and women. So your child is already exposed to the idea. So you just have to keep implementing that. you know, and keep inculcating it into her brain. Like some little girls like to play with dolls and some little girls like to play with trucks and some little girls feel like little boys and some little boys feel like little girls. And some people want, you know, like it's, it's just a constant conversation. And as long as the conversation is constant, then there are no

surprises. Yeah, absolutely. That's, that's what we definitely try to do when we buy all the books, Jack wants to be Jackie and those types of things. And, and my daughter gets a show and tell day every Friday. And she always happens to pick those books to bring to daycare. So we're kind of, you know, infiltrating and in our own little way, but she really is choosing them. It's just, we're not, we're not taking it away and saying, Hey, you're three. Maybe that's not a conversation that you should facilitate in the classroom with a bunch of three-year-olds. But anyway, yeah, we let her be her. And we, we talk about what family structure looks like. It's kind of just Bobby, what you were kind of referring to, it's the adults that you worry about as far as

how comfortable your kid is and being in that space and sharing their truth and their parents truth and their family's truth and whatever that is. Yeah. Kids aren't born homophobic and transphobic or, or racist. They're taught that by their parents. So it's the parents that need to step up and start. And, you know, and a lot of times it's not, I'm not saying most parents aren't bad it's America I question that these days but a lot of parents aren't bad they just have this binary system ingrained in their mind and that's just you know oh yeah we're gonna buy our little girl this we're gonna buy our little boy that but for all you parents out there that do want to make the world a better place start consciously thinking about the terminology that

you're using with your kids and stop you know labeling everything in such a binary way and your kids will stop thinking about it so much and Sutton won't you know Sutton's and all the set into the future won't have to deal with things in a negative way i hope so it was nice to talk to you alex yes thank you for calling thank you so much thank you for calling in you're so cute of course thank you talk to you soon bye he was cute yeah he's like a bundle of love energy yeah great smile i said to him in our pre-interview i was like you do a lot of presentations on zoom right and he was like yeah yeah i do so we've all got our zoom faces now we do my zoom faces i have to exit my own screen like i have to take the photos down because i end up just staring at

myself that's how lame i am i just i'm like talking to people looking straight at myself so i have to take it all down and just focus on the camera i in the very beginning i i definitely used to do that i've gotten a little bit better now i put mine at the very bottom and i put everyone else's towards the top towards the camera so i'm looking more directly at it yeah yeah that's right there we go exactly the jonas brothers are running it back we live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest jonas brother hits that have defined a generation one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the jonas brothers live at rbc amphitheater september 28th get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca

jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up don't say anything. Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters,

pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm gonna have to look up this story.

I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is

and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb.

If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space.

You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family.

It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our next caller is a little bit of a left-hand turn. So our next caller is Dani. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm 26 years old, and for the first time in my life, I feel as though I've finally found my place. I recently accepted a position as a service and

support specialist for a private family in my area. This role involves a lot of travel internationally and domestically. What could be better? There's one hitch. I struggle with debilitating motion sickness. I've only been on a plane a handful of times and the most recent time I was violently ill. I've had this affliction my entire life and it's only gotten worse the older I get. When this opportunity arose, however, there was no way I could say no to it. My entire life, I've said no to the things that I truly wanted to do, but was too afraid to. So this time, I figured I'd just manifest my way to sunny skies and a calm stomach. Lately, though, all I can think about is how awful it would be to be incapacitated with nausea on my first trip with

this family. Any suggestions? Danny. Hi, Danny. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for calling in. This is Bobby Burke. He's my special guest. And then Catherine. Hi. I hate to hear that my sister is the same way. Yeah. And she just, oh, I feel so bad. It's awful. I don't live with it, but obviously grew up with somebody that did and hers has gotten worse as she's gotten older as well. Like she's gotten to where now, unless she's behind the wheel of the car, we just don't go, she just doesn't go anywhere. I know I'm getting to that point. It's horrible. And, and Danny, I think you should tell them also what you told me about when you were on what happened last week when you were on the boat and it wasn't moving. Yeah. I don't

know. I feel like it's a big mental thing as well, because I was cleaning one of the boats and we were in a boat barn so like it's on spilts and I was cleaning and it wasn't horrible but like I definitely felt different and it was there was like a pressure change or something weird was happening and I just felt like I could get sick and it was so weird so it wasn't in water but you still felt like yeah see I always I'm not a doctor you know but I I am I have always felt like it's more of a mental thing because here's the thing when you're driving a car you're still in the same car it's still moving it's but you're you're focused on something and you know I've always said to my sister I'm like this can't be a physical thing because when you're driving

it doesn't happen and she's like well I'm focused on something I'm like well there you go have you tried hypnosis no but I looked it up I looked into it I'm just in the area where it's not readily accessible to me i don't know if they can properly do hypnosis over zoom or something like that i think you need to try you have to try because i was going to say the exact same thing and you need to get hypnotized this is a very common problem that people get hypnotized for all the time and i would offer you where do you live uh michigan okay okay two michigans today but but it sounds like we only take calls from michigan it seems like it it sounds like that you work for family that takes you to bigger places, maybe the next trip you go on free kind

of look for a hypnotist in that area and go there. Yeah, that's definitely a possibility. I have a person in LA. If you're ever in Los Angeles, his name is Kerry Gaynor. You do have to go three times. It's once a week for three weeks. You need to find someone on zoom or in your area and try just because it is a mental thing. It's completely mental. You just have to try to even pursuing it and following through with hypnosis over Zoom is going to change your mental state about the motion sickness and whether it's loss of control or whatever it may be, whatever it comes down to. Because if you take some action that is going to help you mentally be in a different place than you've been, you definitely, I understand, you do not want to

go on a trip with his family and be the burden to them. My husband puked over the side of the boat as he was proposing to me. So yeah, you don't, that's a whole nother story. And that's why they've been together for 18 years, I believe. It was 18 years? Yeah, 18 years.

So you've tried drugs, right? Dramamine or whatever over-the-counter anti-nausea stuff? Yeah, Dramamine works because it knocks me out. And then you can't do your job. I can't take this, right? Have you tried scopolamine patches?

I ordered a bunch recently. Okay. have you tried have you tried weed oh no have you tried an edible normally it makes me nauseous so unfortunately i'm not sure that would have the right effect but it's possible yeah you should try maybe cbd only yeah because that will calm your body down without going into your head you know it's not psychoactive cbd isn't going to make you nauseous it's going to be you know that's what they give to people who are going through chemo who can't stop being nauseous so you need to be alert and with them on the plane ride right you need to be helpful and awake yeah not necessarily

they're not going to be on the plane but the boats for sure planes make me sick too but the boat is really what i'm most concerned about yeah okay yeah i would try some cbd and hypnosis okay yeah and i just got off being on a boat for a week i was okay but my one sister-in-law was sick as a dog the first day. And the one thing that helped her a lot was the scopolamine patches. Now, if you have a full patch, it's like a little teeny patch that goes behind your ear. And if it gives you any sort of like blurred vision, like she and my other sister-in-law who tried it, both were like, I can't read in my cell phone. Am I going blind? Like kind of had a panicky moment, but cut it in half and you can use just half of it. So try that. You can even apply it before you actually get on

the boat. And the crew there said they've never had anyone stay sick after about two days on the water. So your body should naturally adjust to the waves and adjust to the motion. I would also try, there are some supplements you can try, like peppermint or ginger. You can get things to suck on. That will help as well. Or potentially even some essential oils can sometimes help uh, with the nausea. So, but I, I really like the idea of hypnosis. And then I've also heard of cognitive behavioral therapy being good for that as well, but that's a little bit more of a longer fix. Hypnosis maybe could help quickly. And if you also Google, I mean, these are a lot of things to do, but you need to do them. So you also look up meditation apps that

are specific to this or affirmations that are specific to this. Just kind of Google that and see what you come up with because there's going to be something that's going to be like something that you can say a mantra each day leading up even starting today until you're on your trip so you're just resetting your kind of neural pathways you can reset your neural pathways so there is a way out of this for you so you just have to keep trying everything you can until you figure it out and yeah i've also been on several boat trips and people who are sick they're not sick the whole time. So it does kind of work itself out of your system. Although, you know, that's not ideal either. It's better than being sick the entire time. Definitely. I've tried a little bit of TM

in the morning and, you know, unfortunately it's not something that I can really test out, but. Yeah, but just be consistent. You know, as long as you're consistent with things, then they start to show up in your body. You just have to be consistent. Even if you think it may not be having an impact, just do it every day. Consistency is key with everything in life. Yep. That's why I consistently drink heavily. You know what I mean? It works for me. So, yeah. But let us know when you do figure it out, what worked for you so we can help other people figure it out as well. Yeah, of course I will. When's your first trip? As soon as I get my passport back. I'm not a huge traveler, but it should be a couple of weeks from now.

I mean, and how how big are the boats? I thought they were going to be bigger, but they're. Don't you hate that? i was hoping because i know that that can help but they're they're they're small yachts yeah just a small yacht yeah it only has only only has one helicopter pad can you believe when they only have one helipad i hate that and some of them are speed boats as well that are in the area so i hate saying somebody it's it's all in your head because i know you're like no it's not, but I know that you can probably logically think, fuck, when I'm driving, I'm fine. So it

is. So those daily affirmations of realizing I am, I hate to say this this way, but I'm doing this to myself because I feel like this is going to happen. And I think this is going to happen. So it happens. But you know what? When I drive, it doesn't happen. So it makes no sense that it happens. So you know what? Next time it's not going to happen. And just keep reminding yourself, this is only happening because I am manifesting it to happen. So manifest it to not happen and realize that, you know, again, I hate saying this, I'm doing this to myself, but there are things that we do to ourselves. You know, there are things that we dwell on and because we dwell on it so much, we make it happen, especially when it's a physical reaction like that. You know,

if we think, oh, I'm going to get nervous, you get nervous. Oh, and then I have anxiety. You get anxiety. You know, we do these things to ourselves. So like Chelsea said, do these daily affirmations where you're like, you know what? This is just movement. I deal with movement. The planet is literally spinning right now and I'm fine. And you know what? Another idea is, I know we're throwing a lot of things at you, but talk to your doctor about a beta blocker because it's anxiety induced. And that is something that cuts off anxiety. I take propranolol when I go on stage a lot. So my voice doesn't get too high. Cause sometimes when I'm like, I have a lot of energy and adrenaline, I get like, Oh, I talk too fast. I get too high.

and it just kind of totally takes the nerves out so this is anxiety related so that might be an option too because and you can test that easily my husband just prescribed that to me oh he did yeah i i was supposed to do a performance this weekend but i thought i had covid so i canceled it but i was so nervous that he's like i'm just gonna prescribe you beta blockers and one time i did stand up and it was the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my entire fucking life And I wish I had had beta blockers because now I'm realizing, yes, my voice did go much higher and I was speaking way quicker, but I just, you know, got really shit faced before. And I thought that would help.

Yeah, that always helps until it doesn't. That's a really good idea. But yeah. Okay. So just don't give up and just think this is the beginning of the rest of my life. I'm finding a solution for my issue. Definitely. Yeah.

And good luck with the new job as well. Yes. Thank you. And Chelsea, I just wanted to tell you before I sign off, I wouldn't have even considered doing this job or applying for it if it weren't for you and your standup. And I just like finally feel like worthy enough of good things in my life. And I just have to credit you with some of that. So thank you. Oh my God. Well, good for you. I'd love to hear that. Yeah. We're all worthy of good things. you know what i credit chelsea for my my laugh lines i literally used to watch her show and i go like this when i'd watch because i'm like you're making me wrinkle chelsea stop i'm sitting here for an hour in the same position laughing and you're giving me laugh lines literally i used to say uh i get these from chelsea ham yeah is that why you grew a beard it is to cover all my chelsea

lines i wish i could grow a beard okay well keep us posted and uh yes all good things are coming your way okay thank you okay bye bye i must have missed the whole fucking boating part because i was like wait plane and then she's like no it's on a boat so wait she's helping she's so she's gonna go be like a yachty for this family like a personal assistant i thought it was just like whole rich family life on jets on boats on everything i didn't know it was just boats yeah yeah i think it's like all over the place oh but it's not it's not volunteer work like no no it's wrong uh yeah i'm way out of it i missed a whole sentence either something froze because i was like boats when she started talking about boats i was like wait what

she's like we're helping refugees on yachts i was like yeah exactly jet setting with rich people you know so yeah she's gonna be living the dream if she can get this well she'll be she'll be on below deck before we know yeah i was gonna say i was like next season on below deck yes well will the new will the new girl get her motion sickness under wraps well our last question comes from courtney dear chelsea i went back to school in my early 30s for decorating and design something i had developed a passion for in my late 20s and decided to pursue as a career I'd always been great at picking out paint colors, decorating vignettes at work, renovations, space planning, basically anything that involves decorating or designing a space.

Now in my mid-30s, I currently work in a retail setting where I manage a paint and small flooring department and have future plans to run the kitchen and bath design center once we expand. My issue is this. I have a handful of friends who like to use my design services for free. Rather than actually hiring me to come pick their paint colors and design their space, they'll send me texts with photos asking what color do you think i should paint this room or i want to redo this bathroom what should i do or my mom wants to paint a feature wall in her living room here's some pics of the space what do you think while i don't mind giving out the odd piece of advice i tend to feel taken advantage of and like my choice of career doesn't mean much

to them like it's a hobby rather than an actual job and bobby is nodding ferociously um how do i approached this subject without sounding like a bitch. I understand that maybe they're trying to save money, but if I'm going to do this for you, shouldn't I be entitled to something? Whether during my workouts or in my spare time, it is my design advice that I went to school for. Is it not worth something? Courtney. I can relate, Courtney. I mean, even to this day, I literally get, I would say, hundreds of DMs a day from people wanting free design advice. Hey, I'm doing, I'm redecorating my kitchen. What color should I use?

And I'm just like, I honestly see them. And I just don't respond because I'm like, are you for real? Do you think that all I have to do is sit around and give free design advice? I come, book, go to expert.com and book a session with me. But I can completely relate to Courtney because my friends will do it too. And this was back when I was a designer or I owned a furniture store. And, you know, you wouldn't go to... your plumber friend and ask them to do plumbing stuff for you or your doctor friend and ask them

to, you know, you would be like, oh, they're a trained professional. This is their job and their livelihood. Well, it's yours too, Courtney. So I, you know, I would, I would advise, you know, putting your foot down a little bit and be like, Hey, this actually sounds like a really fun project. I'd love to help your mom out. You know, I, here's my hourly rate, you know, or, Hey, since you're my friend, I'll do it for half or whatever. But just to let them know that you went to school for this you have student loans for this you are pro i mean i i'm being presumptuous but you are probably as you're helping them still paying this off so they can't expect you to do this for free you know i definitely wouldn't advise trying to charge them

what you would normally charge but just giving them a price makes them step back and be like oh, you know what? You're right. This is your job. And I'm asking you to do your job for free and constantly. Yeah. So put your foot down, stand your ground. Don't be a bitch about it. It's not being a bitch to, to, to make your, let your friends know that you have value and that you're of worth and, and remind them that, you know, you spent a lot of money to get the degree and the know-how that you have. And that's why they're coming to you. Otherwise they could do themselves right i i like the idea of sort of being a little bit presumptuous back which is not at all it's like oh my gosh i would love to like they're presuming that you will do it

for free and you're like great i would love to help here is my friends and family rate it's normally this yes like let me know when she's ready to sit down for a meeting yes because the way that does is it makes them think that you just assumed of course they were hiring you and then They wouldn't be like, oh, no, bitch, you need to do this for free. They'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, so either they are going to pay you or they're going to stop bothering you and expecting it for free. But it's just it makes them kind of feel like the asshole for expecting that you would have

done it for free. Yeah, yeah. And or you could send out an email en masse to all your people and just go, hey, this is a really friendly reminder that I, you know, I this is my job and this is my career choice. And I've had so many of friends and family lean on me and ask me for design help. and I just want to make it very clear, this is what I do for a living. So moving forward, if you're going to come to me for any, I can, we can work out a deal maybe, or, you know,

whatever your comfortable parameter was, but just letting everybody know, like I had a doctor who did this recently because one of my, we have this anti-aging doctor and one of my friends emails her nonstop about this drug and that drug and the research that they do, and then compares it to the doctor and da, da, da, da. And she sent out an email to everyone saying, I am no longer taking unsolicited emails. Like it is, I'm charging per email. So our one friend ruined it for all of us because he, he wouldn't leave her alone. You know, he just kept asking and asking and persisting. And when I saw the doctor in person, I go, Oh, I guess so-and-so, you know, ruin this for all of us. She goes, yeah. I mean, she's like, does he think I'm up all night there to answer his

questions. So you can actually almost lay blame. It will be perceived as it's coming from one person when it's really about everybody. I had a best friend that her constantly asking for design advice and expecting it for free ruined our relationship. Oh, well, there you go. Absolutely ruined our relationship. And we were friends for a very long time and she had, and we're good now. So if she's listening and she knows I'm talking about her. You know, I love you now. And you know, but yeah, she was starting a business and the very first location, I was so ready to help her get her business going. I of course did it all for free, but then at a certain point she was at like half a dozen locations and, you know,

rolling in seven figures and doing well, but still just reaching out to me for all this free design advice. And I started to get, you know, have a lot of animosity towards her and be like, Whoa, you know, this, I went to school. I didn't go to school for this. What am I talking about? I self-taught myself all this stuff, you know, this is my business. And here, here you are reaping the benefits and having a successful business because on one part, I helped you get this off the ground, but now you're still expecting all this for free. But Bobby, the exposure. Oh, I had a housewife situation with that. Yeah.

I'm like, that's not the kind of exposure I want, honey. Yeah. You know what, Courtney? Let us know how it goes next time you put your foot down cheerfully with a friend. Cheerfully. And we'll take a quick break and we'll be back to wrap up with Bobby and Chelsea. Another shower? No, this time it's a bubble bath.

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Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.ca. Jonas Brothers, the Burning Up Tour, all over again. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations,

or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus

or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people

and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. If you know me, you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. So this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized her now husband, Andrew, was the one.

He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Oh, God. The bubbles barely got going.

I know, but it was romantic with the champagne and everything and the strawberries that I lost in my bikini bottom. I don't know why I was wearing a bikini. Yeah, my Pikachu. They're inside my Pikachu. That's actually not a bad idea to freshen up. Talk about aphrodisiac. The rose up on the podcast. Okay, so, Bobby, you have been an absolute pleasure.

Do you have any advice that you want to ask me? This is our closing segment that Catherine came up with that I love. Any advice that I want? The funny thing is there was some advice I wanted from you, but I had Paul text you one day asking about it. I don't know if you know, maybe, I don't know if he asked if it was from me, but it was some advice. It was some advice on a certain drug that you had talked about.

I forget what it's called now. I don't think it was ayahuasca. I feel like it was something else. 5-D-M-E-O-T, like frog's venom, toad's venom. Yes, it was that. And I had read in an article that you mentioned it. And I was like, Paul, ask Chelsea about this. I was like, this sounds great.

I want to get the lowdown. Oh, yeah. Well, that is not one of my favorite drugs. No? No, I basically ripped my clothes off in a pool of sweat when I took that drug and woke up nude. I had my top off. And I think I was it was so brutal. But you know what, I didn't really prepare for it. So I can't really speak to it. Although I just want I mean, I talked about it in my last stand up special. So it's not a secret. But I just had the most I have a very good

relationship with drugs. And I have a very solid track record with not having them take over my brain. And that one was not I was I lost complete control. And it was dark. And it was just very dark it was very ominous so yeah i wouldn't really recommend that to anybody okay i will stay away from that then okay something new problem solved bobby thank you so much for being our guest today you gave great advice i appreciate that thanks for having me this has been great thank you guys just goodbye goodbye bobby i hope to see you when when my house is ready i want you and paul to come over and we'll we'll do 5d sounds great it's a date okay sounds good that'll be fun

thanks bobby so if you'd like to ask chelsea a question just send an email to dear chelsea project at gmail.com i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions.

Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

McBride, Ben Stiller, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Nick Totoro. You probably know me from NYPD Blue, The Longest Yard, or Spike Lee's Black Klansman. And on my new podcast, Delivering Happiness with Nick Totoro, I deliver pizza to a new guest. I've shared a slice with everyone from Seth Rollins. What are you doing with my belt? to Bill Burr. I don't think I've ever met somebody so exactly out of their mind as I am.

And now, we even have more great guests coming up, including the great John Turturro. It's called happiness. Delivering happiness. And many, many more. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, and listen now.

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