Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - We Might All Be Dead By Then with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Chelsea and Catherine tackle listener updates, Doug’s latest antics, and relationship recidivism.  Then: A fitness instructor’s tactics range from screaming to downright triggering.  A loyal friend needs her bestie’s man to ride off into the sunset.  And a new mom’s lifelong friend falls into the clutches of a controlling husband - even though they don’t speak the same language. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hi, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Today's a solo episode, and we do solo episodes, everybody, so that we can take more callers. Yes. We just rock and roll right on through them. Yeah, we did. I mean, the last time we did this, we took like six calls, and there were one really long one, so that was good.

We got a lot of fucking work done in these episodes. We really do. We really do. For all of our patients. We're just like, you know, healing people, helping people get divorced. I have some updates from callers. Okay. I love this part.

Okay, this is from Maggie. Maggie had written in way back in our Katie Couric episode. Her husband had battled addiction, started an affair with a co-worker, and she said it felt a lot like a relapse. So she was trying to let go of the marriage. Dear Chelsea, I wanted to update you since it's been a little over a year since I was on the show. I want to start by saying thank you to both you and Katie Couric. The advice and book recommendations you gave me were a lifeline at a really dark time. Beyond that, the love you showed me was a true blessing.

So thank you. Oh, I love it. Yeah. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. Since we spoke, I have officially divorced my cheating ex-husband and a weight has been lifted from my life. Nice. Look at you.

My life shifted from worrying about him and his needs and his sobriety to worrying about me, myself, and I. And oh my God, life is amazing. I was so scared to do life on my own, but here I am doing it and loving it. After moving on from my ex, I entered the dating scene for the first time as a fully formed adult, and while it's often a shit show, I've had some great experiences. In the past year, I've had the best sex of my life, had more time to focus on the things I love, poured more of my energy into my friendships, and devoted myself to building a life that I adore. I have a much

better sense of self-worth and know that if and when I meet someone, they will only have a shot with me if they're on my level. I always thought I'd write in an update when I found my new happily ever after and then it hit me today that i have my happily ever after is me thanks from the bottom of my heart maggie no longer needing a pseudonym because that divorce is final wow that could have been like the prologue for my new book this letter i fucking love it right fucking right on exactly you and yourself that is the love story between you and yourself yes that's how i felt in our jane fonda episode when we chatted with her it was like you know we talked about her previous loves in her life and it just like seems like she's found herself in you know this last decade

of her life and it's just so exciting to see women come into their own and be their own people yeah it's fabulous I have a half update and a half question we always say people don't write in when they like didn't follow the advice and this person followed the advice but it you know sort of went a little sideways like that backfired Bella said dear Chelsea and Catherine I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke with you and the office ladies about my breakup for the end of 2022. I had been together with my ex for two years, and we were friends before that, and I had wanted to know how to go about mending the friendship when we were ready. Well, it's been interesting. At first, the ex and I would see each other around once or twice a month at friend gatherings and

remain friendly but distant. After about six months, he offered to have coffee and reconnect, which I accepted. We had a cathartic conversation about our breakup, and then he wanted to hear about my dating life. I didn't really want to talk about it, but he was insistent, reassuring me he could handle it. He cried and confessed he hasn't dated at all and it's all still too soon. This little coffee date changed the nature of our dynamic moving forward at hangouts and parties. He became more flirty and was always trying to catch my eye and my friends would try to buffer. I started to get tired of the casual dating scene and began entertaining getting back with him. I should have written you then. To make a long story short, in June, we kissed at a party and

within a month, we agreed to try things out again. Now I can't help but think it was a big mistake. We go on dates, and when I'm with him, I really enjoy his company. But when we're not together, I barely think about him or try to communicate. I can't tell if I'm being emotionally avoidant or if I don't like him as much anymore, and maybe I was chasing a feeling I missed, not a person. My 23-year-old brain is so mad at itself. This isn't a great update, but an honest and messy one. Please tell me you've been through this before. I feel so guilty and unsure of what to do now? Do I stick it out and try to see if I change my mind or say goodbye sooner

rather than later? Bella. What's the problem? She was like trying to be friends with her ex and we were like give them some space and they have like the same friend group so they're gonna run into each other. Yeah. I think you're not that into him anymore. I don't. It doesn't sound like it. If you're not thinking about them when you're not with them that's all

you need to know. Yeah. Yeah. And I also think you don't need to beat yourself up about kissing him. When you like someone that's all you think about. Ding ding ding. Right. So, yeah, move on. Yeah. Okay.

Good job, Bella. And you're 23. It's okay to, like, kiss a few bros. Oh, yeah. Don't beat yourself up either, Bella. That is annoying. Don't do that. Yeah.

You're 23 years old and you're a human being. Everyone fucks up. And it's not even a fuck up. It's just recidivism. Recidivism. Speaking of recidivism, Brad and I started watching this show. Brad, what is it called? Thank God OJ died.

God, serious. Speaking of recidivism. Brad, what's that show called about the jail that's trying this experiment? I think it's called The Jail Experiment. Whoopsie doodle. It's on Netflix. There's a prison in Kansas or something, and they are trying a European model of while they're still incarcerated, they open all the doors and there's no guards inside the actual cell block. And they can just come and go and they have to form their own community within the jail.

It's pretty interesting. Oh, and how is that working out? I've only seen episode three, so. But, I mean, it seems to be like nobody's killing each other. It seems to be working out. Well, give it time, though, because although the guards probably caused half of that distress, leave them alone and treat them like human beings, maybe they'll. Completely.

Like, they were being kept in their cells for, like, 23 hours a day. I'm like, that's basically solitary confinement. Anyone would go crazy and be horrible in that situation. So, I don't know. I'm really interested to see what happens. Because, like, in Norway and stuff, they just, like, they don't have any walls or locks or anything. Everyone can just like leave if they want, but they're not supposed to. In prison?

In prison. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. It's completely different. It's come and go as you please. Who's agreeing to that? It's like they're out in a field. They've got places where they live and they're not supposed to go anywhere, but there's no

walls. I don't know. Yeah. Things are working in some different places that are not. Yeah. The show's called Unlocked, a jail experiment. A jail experiment. Well, I was close.

Clubber name. Yes. Chelsea. Yes, Catherine. I'm Chelsea. Who are you? I'm Catherine. You're Catherine and I'm Chelsea.

I am. Soy. Catherine. What do we want people to write in about this week? I mean, STDs. Oh, yeah. They're making a comeback, STDs. They're having a moment?

Yeah, because people have been talking about it a lot lately. I'm like, is something going around that I need to be aware of? Well, write in to us about your STD questions. Yes, please do. Yeah, we can always have an expert on who can deal with a gynecological expert like my father. Yeah, and write in about your gynecological stuff, too. Or write in about your massages, because I had a questionable massage the other day, and he floated past my Pikachu a couple times.

I had panties on. I had full panty protection. I actually put a full panty on for double protection. And I was, and he swept my sloppiness area twice, but he touched my vagina in between my legs, and then he did it again. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to have to say stop, and then he didn't do it again. But I was about to say, sir, like, I couldn't believe I had to say something. Yeah.

Like, stop sweeping my vagina. Had he been different looking, I would have been more open to the sweeping of the vagina. But that was not my type. Were you saying you have friends or one of your friends was telling us that there's someone out in Beverly Hills who's like the guy that people go to? To get an orgasm? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, I don't remember that. No.

Maybe that's from a different podcast. Yeah, maybe. It sounds like it. Catherine's been moonlighting. I'm great at massages. Chelsea, should we take a break and get to some colors? Yes, let's take a break and we'll be right back. The Jonas Brothers are running it back.

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This is a caller bonanza episode. Truly. So this one actually is just an email. Oh, okay. Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 46-year-old mother of three who recently joined a gym. Although I'm making some physical gains at the gym, these gains are overshadowed by a dip in my self-confidence. My male instructor has taken to screaming at me when my form is off or I'm making a small error. There's a constant correction to the point where I leave there feeling happy I completed the workout but defeated for letting him scream at me in a room full of strangers.

Yeah, no shit. Fuck off. I mean, do you fuck with this boot camp stuff? No, no, I don't do that. No, that's a no thank you. I'm also conscious of my upbringing that included lots of screaming and that others, mostly women, in the room may be triggered by that approach. Is there a way to let him know this approach is not working for me and still retain a good relationship and work on my fitness goals? Should I speak to him in person or can I send him a well-crafted email? I don't want to quit, but I also don't want this dynamic to continue.

Help me find my inner strength so I can continue to work on the outside. Well, can't you just go to a different class? Yeah, I think it's like a one-on-one, but yeah, I would say change instructors. Absolutely. just change instructors you don't have to owe him anything just go this this style isn't working for me you don't even have to explain yourself unless it's like the trainer that the gym provides you in which case you can still change yeah trainers more than one and for some reason if you can't change trainers absolutely say in person listen the screaming and yelling doesn't work for

me like I'm actually trying to build my confidence yeah you know not to plead it and that to me is a trigger and there's someone overseeing all these trainers so like go to the manager be like hey I need to switch like this isn't yeah it's not a big deal to switch trainers yeah I'd be like I want someone who's supportive and or classes it sounds like other women are in the class right yeah I like classes classes no no she's saying I don't know how the other women feel I think she's saying like the other women that are just around hearing her which I get oh yeah that's a great thing to bring up too yeah like I would tell the manager like this doesn't work for me and I do worry about other people like just hearing screaming in the background but I don't

know I guess it does work for some people because some people love those boot camp things it's not my style no my personal trainer that I started working with she has almost no personality and I was talking to someone about it and I'm like you know she doesn't make conversation I mean I worked with her for like six months before she even asked me like what I do for a living like the basics right and my friend was just like maybe you don't want to have a conversation with your trainer like maybe you just want to like stand there in silence between your sets and I was like, you know, maybe that's true. That's how I am with Ben Bruno. We barely speak. Really? Well, I mean, we talk, but we have such a shorthand. It's like, yes, I've done plenty

of workouts where we haven't said a word to each other. I love that. I do, too. There's no pressure for me being like a Midwestern, like people pleaser conversation. I think it's a good practice because it's good. Yeah. Because sometimes people don't want to fucking talk. It's good to be able to pick up on that as well. First, I was like kind of upset about it. And then I was like, No, I'm just going to let this happen. And work on your body and actually focus on what you're doing. Perfect. And now a big round ass and I love it.

Look at you. Chelsea, I have a couple of friends calling in. They are Chrissy and Melanie. And Chrissy's in her 40s and Melanie's in her 50s. Dear Chelsea, I'm an avid listener who has always wanted to write in, but I have had a hard time narrowing down my laundry list of advice needed. When you said you were looking for a couple or friends to come on the show, I knew you were speaking to me.

My best friend of 13 years is like a sister to me. We're both single moms, and we've gone through raising both of our kids and multiple men together. There is plenty we don't agree on, but our love for each other and placing each other's families has always been enough to overcome our differences. Here's the problem. My friend has been dating her on-again, off-again boyfriend for over five years. Very early in their relationship, he bought her an engagement ring that he has used as a carrot to hold over her head when the relationship starts to go off the rails. And there's plenty to set it off the rails. He does not get along with her 18-year-old daughter, who is also like a daughter to me.

He's prone to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, at times ruining nights out, or worse, entire vacations. But beyond the surface personality deficit, he can also be very controlling. He has pulled her boss aside to discuss how her workload is affecting their relationship, which is so inappropriate, demanded that she give back expensive gifts when they are on a break, and then used them to lure her back. I try to be supportive or at least silent when they're together, but the problem is, when they're not together, I hear even more stories about how horrible he is. In so many ways, my friend is a strong, independent woman. She owned and sold her own business in a male-dominated field. she has her own Harley and rides around in designer clothes, and she's never been one to keep her mouth shut if a topic comes up she doesn't agree with. How do I get her to open her

eyes to how bad this relationship really is and the negative impact it's having on her daughter? Or, gulp, is this a me problem that I need to work on accepting their situation and not sticking my head into their business? Also, we've already considered becoming late-in-life lesbians and blending our families, but for some reason, we're both still attracted to men. Ugh. Thank you for any help with this chrissy and melanie hi ladies where are we okay there's melanie hi melanie hi okay we're waiting for chrissy hold on hi chrissy how are you hi guys hi thanks for um calling in i love i love friendship stuff so this is great so chrissy okay so you explain to us in your letter very comprehensively how you feel about melanie's on and off boyfriend of five years so melanie

Mm hmm. What do you have to say? You know how Chrissy feels about him, right? I do. And I absolutely respect everything she says to me all the time. It's one of those things that's really it's really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like it's not hard for me to give up. It's hard for me to hurt him. Right. And there's a lot of family dynamic that is starting to make it easier for me to, you know, sometimes think about going that way. Going what way? To break up with him. OK. Because my daughter does not like him at all. And that's a big thing. You know, I don't want to be that mom that is like, you know, she says, oh, well, you can't come over for Thanksgiving because she doesn't want my boyfriend to come over. I don't want her to I don't want to be in

that position. Right. It's tough. Very tough. And you're worried about hurting him. I mean, Do you feel like you're happy in this relationship? Not 100%. I feel like he is secure. Like financially, emotionally? Financial. Even though he doesn't really do financial things for me, but I know that in the end that I won't have to worry.

That sounds really horrible. Yeah. Can I clarify something really quick, Melanie? Because Chrissy, when I read this email, I was like, oh, so he gave you a ring early on. And Chrissy clarified he hasn't actually given you the ring. He just owns it. Right. So you're not engaged. Nope. We are not engaged. What is your take on this ring situation that he's kind of holding it over you? So I feel that he is like hung it in front of me many times. And every time we talk about it, there's always a different reason as to

why we shouldn't move forward and typically it's well your daughter doesn't like me we need to get her on board or well now we're having problems with your mom or now we can't spend as much time together and honestly even if we were to get engaged and married we wouldn't even be able to live together until like i take care of my or i'm going to be taking care of my mother so it would not be a situation where we could even really live together full time anyway. It would be a weird dynamic. And what is your daughter? What doesn't she like about him? He has no children, so he tends to act like a child at times because he's never had to raise kids. And are you attracted to that? Well, I thought I was attracted to the fact that he didn't have kids. Right. But the

childish behavior is not attractive at all. No, it sounds like he's actually quite unattractive on multiple levels. And you are holding onto an idea about something that may or may not happen in the future. And looking at that financial dependency as a reason to stay in when he's exhibited all of the signs that he will never be able to take care of you in his comfort zone. Not that he won't be able to, he won't take care of you. Because if he was going to take care of you, he would want to start right away. Yeah, you'd have already done it. Yeah. So you're waiting for the one positive thing you said about him was that he's financially secure. And I'm here to tell you that his financial security will have nothing to do with you. Also, like you're dating

in the age group that has the most financial security. That should be something that's like pretty easy to find someone who's like got their shit together. I'm sure it is. I mean, and I and I'm not unable to take care of myself. I mean, I have been taking care of myself my whole life, so it's not. Well, I would argue that you're not taking care of yourself, actually. I think that you are not taking care of yourself by allowing yourself to be in and out of a five-year relationship with someone that your friend who dearly loves you is telling you she doesn't like, and then your daughter is telling you she doesn't like. If you can't listen to those two people, they know better than you do about this situation than you do because you're in it.

and these are two people that you trust and love over time, I really would implore you to listen to them. They have your best interests. I promise you. I know they do. This guy does not have your best interest. And I'm not even sure you have your best interest right now. You're probably right. I definitely feel like some, you know, I need to let go. It's hard to let go when you're so used to something. I understand. But the biggest issue for me is my daughter. I love her more than life, as I'm sure you can understand. And I don't ever want to do anything to hurt her. And when we have conversations and she's like,

mom, I just don't like him. And I'm sitting there going, what do I do? You know, like I know what to do, but it's really, it's hard. No, I know. It's so hard to make that move. I know it is, but you have to, because listen, this is your daughter. You're showing her what is acceptable.

You're showing and demonstrating to her. Even if she says she'll never do that, you are exhibiting for her what she thinks is going to be okay at some point down the line because she saw her own mother do it so you care about your daughter she's the most important thing in the world to you you love her more than anything that alone right there her dislike of him is a reason enough for you not to be in a relationship with him breakups somebody gets hurt in a breakup all the time you'll get hurt he'll get hurt this is not the man for you he's just not so in order for you to like go and find somebody that is going to be

respected by your best friend here Chrissy and your daughter you have to get out of this relationship because there is something waiting for you that is going to be much more fulfilling and much more life altering and welcomed by the people that love you instead of dismissed or rejected. Do you know what I mean? All you have to do is make the move and you'll get to the next part of your great life. I promise you, you're financially secure. Don't depend on anybody who is not bringing tons of shit to your table joy bringing joy yeah joy for sure Chrissy can you tell us a few things that you love about Melanie and what kind of joy you would love to see brought into her life yes is it okay if I cry yes I love you Chris oh that's nice Melanie is the strongest

woman I know. I met her when she was just going through a divorce. She opened up a cigar shop. She had an all-male clientele. She put these guys in their place. She rides a Harley. She is like a tough chick. And I hate to see that this man is having this control over her because I know how amazing she is. I know she's a great mom. I'm also a single mom. She was there for me whenever I had my son. We always talk about how we're going to end up in a house in New Hampshire making goat smoke soap and running a farm someday. That sounds like so much fun, you guys. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? It does, yeah.

With our kids and grandkids, and it sounds like a great time. Yeah, it does sound like a great time. Melanie, you know what you need to do. I do, and I definitely appreciate hearing it from you. Thank you very much. And I appreciate hearing it from Chrissy. I want to make sure that she knows that,

and I don't discount what she says because she is such an amazing friend. and she tries to stay neutral and I know it's hard for her to stay neutral and I don't want her to feel that she has to stay neutral with me I want her to feel that she can say whatever she wants to me which she does so you know but I appreciate the advice and Chelsea you're even more beautiful in person oh you are too Melanie thank you start acting like it I know that I mean this is a powerful friendship when Chrissy wrote in and I read that email. I'm like,

there's no way she's going to get her friend on the call with this, you know, cause he said you hadn't like really addressed it yet, but here you are. It's just such a beautiful friendship. The person Melanie is thanking her friend, Chrissy for intervening and even for demonstrating this and loving, like,

it's so beautiful. You guys don't even, you just need each other and you'll be happy. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And your daughter, of course.

Yes. And her son. Yeah. But I promise you, once you make this decision and once you are able to go through with breaking it off, you are going to feel a weight like an albatross lifted off of your shoulders. I promise you your future is going to be brighter and lighter without this person in it. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I've been there in that position and then I've come back and and I think, why did I do that? Yeah. Do you have thoughts about making it stick, Chelsea?

I mean, I think you just have to go. I think you have to write that stuff down. You have to be like, I'm done with this relationship and I'm ready to move forward. Like I'm ready to move forward in my life and in my relationship with Chrissy, my relationship with my daughter. And it's not even about men coming up, but like the recidivism, which is a word we threw around recently, going back and forth with relationships is always a big, big red flag without even hearing anything about him.

And then hearing everything about him, it's all red flags. It's just, you're never going to get what you want out of this relationship. No, I don't think I will. I'm committed to caring for my family. I'm committed to taking care of my mom and making sure that she, I don't like to talk about her dying, but I'm committed to making sure that she is comfortable and I will never put her in a home, which puts me in a position, but it's a position that I've chosen. Exactly. And you're strong, like you're strong. You can stay away from a person if you really desire to do that. It's not like you don't have control over yourself. You do. And you want to demonstrate that for your daughter more important than anything else. You want to show her that you had that you took it upon yourself to walk away from him out of respect, partially for her feelings. you know that means a lot and I would I would expect any mother to behave that way and understand and respect their children's feelings your children don't get to decide who you go out with but if they are that bothered by somebody you have to look at that yeah no yeah I when I before Brad I was in a really toxic negative situation and it I thought I was in love with this person I thought

i was in love with this person for a long time and it took everyone in my life who loved me my family my friends who knew him my friends who didn't really know him but had heard about him these people who all loved me it took so long of them saying like this is not for you i finally had to be like i think this is still the right thing for me but if all these people who just care about me are saying it's not good i'm just gonna bite the bullet and two weeks later i was like a completely different person like noticeably different person and it was the best decision I ever made and you met your person after that I did you never stayed with somebody exactly if I hadn't broken that off I actually would never have been I would never have moved cities and met Brad

so you don't have to move Melanie just get away from that guy yeah no I'm definitely not moving at this point that's for sure we'll wait until we're yeah set Chrissy and I are set financially and we can have our little harem. I love it. With our goats and soap and all that. Yes, I love this plan. Yoga, what else, Chris? That reminds me of the saying, where the crow flies.

I don't know why, but I thought I would just throw that in for the mix because I didn't understand what that saying meant for like, I think I had to ask someone last week. I'm like, where does the crow fly? Where? They're like, oh, it's the most direct route. I'm like, what?

That's what that saying's about? What's the point? Just say the fastest way to get there. anyway thanks girls thank you Chrissy thanks for calling in and thanks Melanie have a great rest of your relationship because it's going to be over soon and I and I'm sure Chrissy will touch base with you and tell you how and that doesn't have to be a sad part either yeah like that can be a celebration also sure and then go out and buy yourself a ring yeah buy yourself a ring yeah exactly that's right a great idea yeah Chrissy

we'll go together yes yes okay bye girls bye thank you hi I felt like at some point during that I felt like you know when you bring you go to therapy and with couples therapy and you're like just waiting for the doctor to say you're just waiting for them to go in on your partner and you're just sitting there like Chrissy was sitting there just and I'm like don't worry honey I'm coming like that's I wanted to say don't worry I got your back like I'm going in yeah I know I was like we got to get Chrissy in here because she's just like loving on her friends so much. I know that was really pretty friendship. That is so nice and so well received. It's very gracious when people receive criticism like that even though it's not about her. It is about her because she's

participating in a relationship with somebody who's not doesn't value her. And she I mean Chrissy just loves Melanie. That's her only motivation here right. It's like if someone thinks that you should break up with someone who's toxic it's not because they want something bad for you. It's because they want the best for you you know so and i also think there was a really good lesson in here too we you know constantly are like address the situation with your friend or your whoever you're having the issue with bring it up talk about it get it out and this is a situation where they had the hard conversation and the person wasn't upset about it she was receptive yes right right right exactly yeah this is yeah so right a perfect example of how it can go yeah

Yeah. Well, let's do an email and then we'll come back with Marguerite. This is from Cindy. She's in her 40s. Dear Chelsea, last year I left a 15-year marriage. I'm finally at the point where I'm at peace with my divorce and my new life. I'm comfortable being single, enjoy the freedom of not having to answer to anyone, love being a mother to my boys, and I'm in the position to pursue whatever I want professionally and personally. Nice. Yeah. Fucking crushing it. Yeah. I currently have a friend with benefits? Well, I don't believe I could actively have sex with multiple partners. My FWB has made it very clear he wants to explore sex with multiple women using protection. FWB's fuck buddy? A friend with benefits. Oh, sorry. Which that's actually an important

distinction that I want to get into with this email. He was married for 16 years and a virgin before that, so I understand his desire to explore sex. I'm wrestling with the idea of dating and relationships in my 40s as a newly single woman. I'm not sure that I truly want to settle down, but I also foresee wanting someone to enjoy life with within 10 years. My only concern is that I want my FWB to eventually want monogamy with me, and I'll end up getting hurt. The sex is amazing, we enjoy spending time together, and engage in deep, meaningful conversations. Our values, other than this, align. Am I setting myself up for hurt with my FWB, or should I just enjoy the ride cindy enjoy the fucking ride when people tell you something believe them you know just

believe it just take that at face value don't look for a hidden meaning or maybe they'll come around no they just fucking told you they want to fuck other people so as long as you're okay with that be with them enjoy the sex and you fuck other people too yeah and like date other people like you can just like have lots of casual you have to stop thinking so far ahead into the future too we could all be dead by then like just enjoy what is happening in this moment as much as you possibly can and if you get too attached to this person who is unavailable then you need to dismantle that relationship and go have sex with someone else yeah and you know it's not just like people don't just like turn into what you want them to be I think friends with benefits is like

the most confusing thing because I think that is a great arrangement well like fuck buddy to me is like they come over you have sex you're friendly and then they like oh yeah right right okay okay we're having these deep conversations we're like connecting like you can't not catch feelings of that situation well when you are talking about things yes of course you're gonna catch feelings about that yeah so i think kick them out after it's over and then like stop trying to have a friendship it's fuck buddy right that's what i think i think fuck buddy yeah and then also have additional fuck buddies yeah yeah layer layer up okay so this is from marguerite dear chelsea i had a baby five months ago i'm 38 single and did it on my own and it's been awesome nice literally

the day i gave birth my lifelong friend john introduced me to his new boyfriend a week postpartum john told me that he and his new boyfriend were engaged and getting married in just a few short months john met his boyfriend on a dating app his boyfriend is from columbia John doesn't speak Spanish, and this boyfriend does not speak English, so they communicate solely through Google Translate. I tried to be as supportive as possible and had them both over for dinner a number of times. I was apprehensive because of the speed of the relationship. They moved in together after three weeks, were engaged in a month, and eventually married in four months. Coming from an Irish family, we had a big baptism for my son at a restaurant in

Alphabet City. There were 10 courses and an open bar. I was breastfeeding, and so I didn't drink. I thought the night was a big hit and went home with a clear, tired mind. The next day, however, John abruptly ended our friendship over text, saying that I had offended his boyfriend. A few days later, his mother emailed me and reinforced that his family was cutting ties and alluded to how I had treated his partner. His mother wasn't even at the baptism. There were 20 people there who can attest nothing happened. I hardly spoke to John or the boyfriend, busy as you are at such raucous events. I don't know how to move forward.

Being in the mental health field for over a decade, I can see the signs of control and abuse, which begin with isolating the partner from those closest to them. Sorry, this is long-winded. I just would like advice on how to navigate the end of one of my closest friendships and the misinformation around an innocuous day and how to get my friend back if I can. Thanks so much, Marguerite.

Hi. Hi, guys. Hi, Marguerite. How are you? Good. Thanks for having me. Yeah, for sure. So I have a couple of questions that I want to clarify. First of all, how supposedly did

you offend the boyfriend? Do you speak Spanish? I don't. So how could you even have offended him? That's the thing. It's all such a mystery. Did you ask them when you heard from them what happened? Well, I got blocked. And this is like a 30 year friend. Like we didn't text, So like maybe texting to like confirm where we were meeting up. But I just got a text saying it's over. And then he like, I don't have social media, but my mom does. My mom told me that he blocked her on all the social media. It was just over.

That's so strange. So. And I asked everybody and I was the most sober one by miles. And I asked everybody, like, does anybody notice anything weird happen? Anything? Nothing. That's so strange. I also have this question. Do you know for sure? I mean, obviously the mother emailed you as well, but could it have been this boyfriend texting you from your friend's phone?

Because he doesn't speak English or he didn't. I mean, unless there's like a. But if he doesn't speak English and the other guy doesn't speak Spanish. They use Google Translate when they communicate. This must be. I know. I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiance, so this is fascinating to me. can you imagine 30 years and you didn't respond to his mother so I did I did what did you say I said I was trying to be like enlightened and I just said I think you need to check on your son

because I didn't want to defend myself right like I didn't because the more I defend the more it looks like you know right that check on your kid because nothing happened well listen I don't know what you can do because obviously I want her to go stalk him at work and like go be like can we talk can we get coffee yeah I mean I would try a little bit harder to find out like send him an email and be like listen I have asked everyone at that wedding I was completely sober at that wedding I don't speak Spanish I would like to know exactly what I did to deserve the ending of a 30-year friendship it feels very abrupt and it feels like a very undeserving and you've caused me a lot of heartache and I don't even know what I did. How could I have offended him if I don't

speak Spanish and he speaks Spanish only? How? So it was, so it was at my son's baptism and his mother wrote in the email, this was verbatim, that I used my son as a weapon of hate in the email. I mean, what does that even mean? I was literally like eating my eggplant rollatini being like like they're boring this stuff is boring baptisms are boring these are just the events that we go through yeah it was so innocuous I feel like you I mean you can send the email I wouldn't get your hopes up about a reasonable response because if it is this control thing that you're thinking then there's nothing you're going to be able to do you know what I mean as long as he's married to that guy but you can try one more time to open up that conversation to be

like, this is very upsetting, especially when I'm not, you were at my baptism. I can't imagine what I did to deserve a weapon of hate. Like that's very strong language. Yeah. And I mean, if you're blocked on email, maybe it's like a letter to his work or something like something physical that you can get through because it just, it just feels so confusing. And I think I'd let him know, like, I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Can we, can we talk? Can we meet? And even if the relationship can't be repaired right now while he's in this like let him know that you love him and you're here but it's almost like do I still love him like not yeah I don't know I mean I I don't know how are you feeling about the loss of friendship other than confused I think I started

as really like I started with sadness I mean this was like not just like a text check-in friend this was one of my closest friends since third grade like I mean I saw him once a week at minimum we had spent Christmas together Thanksgiving like we were family like my mother considered him another son like he was a part of my my tribe he was one of my people and so I felt really abandoned especially because I'm a single mom I've just given birth and you just dump me for some guy you've known for you know 31 days and now I think I I moved through that then I dealt with the anger and now I just kind of feel sorry for him which is a terrible thing to feel towards someone like that takes away their power but in a way I do feel sorry for him like you're losing

an authentic friend and not giving them the space to even defend themselves you're shutting it down so quickly because, you know, there's no room for rationality. Yeah, I think I think you're absolutely right about that. And like you said, you worked in mental health. You can like see when someone's being blatantly controlled. And that's like very clear. That's what's happening here. But I think you owe it to both of you.

Is it clear? I mean, is that clear? I think it is. It's very mysterious. Like, how can you control someone when you can't speak the same language? Good question. I have a friend who went through this actually with someone that she she was actually the immigrant. She was from Canada and she was like trying to stay here.

And she like stayed with a guy who told her she couldn't talk to her two gay best friends anymore because they had introduced her to her ex. What? Cut her off from the rest of us who are like neighbors and friends. Cut her off from her own family. I mean, that's what these people do. Like bad boyfriends. But that's not that's one option. That's not the option.

Right. you didn't know anything. I mean, did you get that impression leading up? Well, I was postpartum as a single mom, right? So I wasn't spending my energy, but I did obviously think about it. And I got the sense that they didn't know each other very well. But I also kept that in because I knew that the more I told John my concerns, the more he was going to run into the arms of this guy. I also believe everyone has agency and can make decisions on their own time. So I hold all of my fears and concerns in. But I do think if I'm looking at the perspective of the boyfriend, like it is about survival, like he does need a green card. And

maybe I was a barrier to that. I don't know. But I just can't believe that my friend would throw away that intimate of a friendship. Well, that's really lame. I mean, yeah, of course, it's hugely disappointing and i would just walk away from it if you can because it's you're almost opening up a wound where you're not going to get you or you're going to get some bullshit story that they don't even know but the fact that he did ditch you for somebody who needed a green card that he had known for 31 days is pretty much all you need to know about that friendship right even though it was 30 years like he's not thinking clearly in this relationship this relationship probably won't last that long and then so i guess part of my question too is

what do i do when inevitably he comes crawling back or knocking well then you have an opportunity to be graceful and and to be like yeah that was really shitty and sucky and as long as he's not in that like hubris that he was in marrying this guy he's not thinking clearly around that guy and around that situation and his mother for sending that email is also not thinking clearly because what is she thinking her she's watching her son get married to somebody who needs a green card that he's known for 31 days and she's also on team this guy this guy what I mean it doesn't make any sense yeah I would give him another chance to I mean just for the the sake of the fact that you have lapses in judgment and he's having one it seems like an important enough

relationship to you and you have so much history that like hopefully you can eventually get some back of what you had before but who knows you might not have a friendship with him again no I know because how do you really repair that well listen don't worry about repairing it because you're not there yet when the time comes if and when the time comes I promise you you will be able to find it in your bandwidth and heart to go oh you know what it's just happy to see you again you're back the real you is back if and when that happens it may never happen so I think for you you should just try and I think pity is a good way to get over something to feel pity for him I think that helps you get to the place where you're at peace with not having him in your life

anymore yeah after the pity agree thank you guys and I'm sorry that happened to you that sounds really confusing yeah that's fucking what do they think that you didn't approve of his gay lifestyle is that what she means by no I think that he I like I really think if I'm being like honest and zooming out and using my third eye I think the boyfriend saw oh this is someone who has a huge family who huge support in the city and could eventually become a barrier to me marrying this guy because they married like they disinvited me from their wedding that night and then they went on to get married so I think it was like the boyfriend saw oh she like is a real person I need to like get her out of the way wow yeah that does sound very controlling them disinviting you to the

wedding is very like he's being controlled because who would do that after a 30-year friendship oh yeah I'm just gonna disinvite my friend yeah my best friend anyway you're not crazy so there's that you're normal you seem very normal and with it and I would focus on the friends that you do have in your life and that's unfortunate and always reserve a warm space in your heart for his return yeah thanks guys and remember marguerite you don't have to deal with anything before it happens so true yeah yeah so just let go yeah let go and let us know if he pops back up thank you okay take care thanks marguerite bye oh sweetie wow i'd like to know that story i know i want to know what the her friend thinks happened yeah it's so weird to me when like a new partner of somebody

like takes a friendship as competition, you know? Right. Okay, so we're going to take a break and we'll be right back. Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pesto survive the first bite?

Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode eight before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Crave, Netflix, and Disney Plus from $94 a month price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit visit bell.ca for details and to check availability bell connection is everything

when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart And these are the survivor files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced.

But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters,

pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much,

you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. I'm Hoda Kotb host of the podcast joy 101 with Hoda Kotb if you know me you know I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy so this podcast lets us uncover those things together through meaningful conversations with fascinating people like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. You have something in your guts. You go with it. And Shawn Johnson recalled the moment she realized

her now husband, Andrew, was the one. He was just so unapologetically himself and knew nothing of Hollywood. He hadn't been on a plane before without his family. It was so pure. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our town is small taters by most standards, right? But to the people who grew up here, it's everything. What happens when a quiet Tennessee town becomes the front line in a battle over the future of America? Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land in the area. The first thing you see when it pops up is pioneers in Appalachia.

But they weren't just planning houses. We need cities on a shining hill that exemplify and embody the Christian way of life. Stop right there. Is that normal? A podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment. God made man to rule. Great. And decides to fight back. Do not use my hard work to sell your bulls**t. They're not just opposing what's being planned for here.

Our hometown is not a test tube. They feel like they're standing in opposition to an entire administration. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're right back with Katherine and Chelsea, and we are wrapping up our solo episode. If you have questions, if you have concerns, you can write into the show, call into the show with your friends. We love couples. We love that dynamic. Or friends, sisters, that sort of thing.

And if you want to come see me on tour, chelseahandler.com is where you get your tickets. And I'm performing at a city near you. In a city near you. Not in all the things. Way to end the podcast with a grammatical error. My favorite. On a city near you.

On a city. We did so many things today. On a city near you. Bye-bye. Bye. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that.

And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September 1st, Labor Day weekend, and then November 2nd and November 30th. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets.

Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. i survived nine months in captivity and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them i'm elizabeth smart and these are the survivor files every week i'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable abducted stalked controlled and nearly silenced these are stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the survivor

Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on the new podcast solita we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman i can wait four hours for the next bus

or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle i chose option b i'm julie pinero and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Nick Turturro. You probably know me from NYPD Blue, The Longest Yard, or Spike Lee's Black Klansman. And on my new podcast, Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, I deliver pizza to a new guest. I've shared a slice with everyone, from Seth Rollins.

What are you doing with my belt? To Bill Burr. I don't think I've ever met somebody so exactly out of their mind as I am. And now, we even have more great guests coming up, including the great John Turturro. It's called happiness. Delivering happiness. And many, many more. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, and listen now.

I'm Hoda Kotb, host of the podcast Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb. You know, I'm always searching for inspiration and useful tools to maximize joy. Like when my friend Henry Winkler offered advice to aspiring actors and really anybody hoping to stand out. You're not hired just to fill time and space. You're hired to fill the space with you. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotb on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.