Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler - You Might Be the Egg Lady with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

Chelsea and Catherine are in-studio this week to talk about letting go of anger and blame to soothe your soul, what books are on their must-read lists right now, and the correct way to peel an egg in public. Then: They hear an update from a caller who chose NOT to follow their advice.  A woman with trichotillomania (chronic hair pulling) wonders when to reveal her wig to a new guy.  Dirty dishes may signal a death-knell in a long-term relationship.  And a stepmom grows concerned over her stepson’s increasingly creepy behavior. * Books in this episode: Cuba Breath On Our Best Behavior Tao Te Ching Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender * Thanks to Betterhelp for sponsoring our new segment, Calling In Backup, and to David Yadush, Licensed Therapist and Clinical Operations Manager at Betterhelp.   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We'll see you next time.

Hi, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. Oh, my God. Are we rolling? Brad, are we rolling? You're going. It's happening. Catherine, you had a big party this weekend. I did. It was my 38th birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. Brad had, I think, the best idea for a theme. He was like, well, it can be the 19th anniversary of your 19th birthday. I loved that idea. I was like, it's so ridiculous. It just might work. And so everyone dressed as they did when they were 19, including, and I'll have to show you a picture of this, my one friend who was a Mormon missionary when he was 19. So he wore the whole getup with like the tie and the name tag and everything. I was like, bless you. Yeah. He was like, this is what I looked like when I was 19. Has he recovered from being a Mormon missionary? He has. Oh, thanks. Thanks God, as they say in Hispania. Thanks God. I wasn't there, Catherine because I got my face scraped off because the way I live my life is I go for it

and then I reverse the damage so I was in my hyperbaric chamber unfortunately but I know all the girls came and uh yes I've been recuperating I rented a hyperbaric chamber because I did that morpheus fucking laser yeah yeah and I gotta tell I'm buying that thing that thing I first of all I've read six books I've read six books in six days because you're in there you could go in there for like two and a half hours yeah well i can i mean i the one i have you could go in for two and a half hours max is it like it pressurizes you yeah so it oxygenates you so it gives you like 150 oxygen when normally i think we get from 30 to 50 i don't really know what i'm talking about here but this is vis-a-vis my assistant one of my assistants i'll pretend that i don't i mean i'm

not going to pretend that i don't have more than one assistant i do and this podcast is about honesty and some other things but he's telling me that that's what happens i'm going to read more about it, but I am going to purchase it because it's incredible. And also it gives you this allotted amount of time. Like this morning I did 90 minutes, but to read. So I've read everything. I mean, not everything, but I went on a little fiction reading tirade when I was in Whistler because I was just enjoying myself. But then like everything, I like to reverse that. And then I like to flip it and reverse it. This intro is all about turning back time. Yeah. Well, I wanted to resupplement my brain with more informative stuff. So now,

Then I made a commitment to read hard things. So I'm reading five books at one time. Great. One is on Cuba, which is fucking fascinating. I saw you posted about this. Yes. It's by Ada Farrar, I believe. It's called An American History in Cuba, maybe.

Anyway, Cuba's in big letters on the cover of the book, so that should sort everything out. But it's fascinating. It talks about Columbus landing on Hispaniola, which was the Dominican Republic, and Haiti, and Cuba. He never landed in the United States at all. Just nearby. And then it talks about, you know, how Cuba became like the port of the West, like the intro. So all the Spaniards would come over, go to South America and go to Mexico, come back with all their goods, drop port and refuel, you know, food, hookers, whatever, on Cuba. Yeah.

And then they would go back to Europe. And that's what started piracy because the French wanted in on the action of all the shit the Spanish were getting. So then they started piracy and then they attacked Cuba and they had to refortify it and make it a port that was like defensible. It's fascinating. And it's a huge gap in my knowledge of what happened in the world. Well, when you read, you were saying on your post, like, I should go back to history class. But they didn't teach us the stuff in history class because it was all anglicized and colonizer sized. And it's only getting worse, especially if you want to go to Florida. He should be arrested. I mean, he honestly, Ron DeSantos is so disgusting.

Anyway, more positive note. I'm reading that. Short History of Humanity is another book that I'm reading, which is fascinating, about Neanderthals and Denisovans, which I didn't even know existed. I never heard of that. And Anatolia, all this shit. And that's good. And then I'm reading Katie Couric's biography, because I hadn't finished that one.

And so that's awesome, because that's a nice good dose of, she's so cute. When we had her on the podcast, I was like, wait a second. I didn't finish her book. I need to. She loves you, by the way. Oh, I love her. She came to my comedy. I got my comedy icon award at South by Southwest and she showed up.

So we were able to tell the Woody Allen story together, which was awesome. And then what else am I reading? Oh, this other book that my friend that I are on our best behavior, which we're having her on the podcast, which is all about the seven deadly sins, how they were orchestrated because of religion and how it basically introduced patriarchy into society and why, how we're trying to dismantle it and all of the things that you know greed sloth all of this stuff that we're supposed to not feel is obviously impossible and then I am reading Matthew McConaughey's book another one I started but then I never finished because now we have him coming on

the podcast you guys for our very final episode of the season yeah because he's promoting something very unexpected yeah it's very different and his book is fucking incredible and I am late to the party on this as usual because it was one of those books that everyone was talking about yeah or you know probably still are and it was on the bestseller list for weeks and weeks and weeks and I know why it is incredible he's so deep and not in a way that you you know want to make fun of it's deep and a sincere cringy it's not cringy it's totally real and he's a man and like a renegade and a renaissance man on all of the things so yeah I'm really excited to talk to him then there's this one Tao Te Ching Stephen Mitchell which is I read that years ago that is a great little read for

everybody who's listening to this because it's the Tao of Ching like it's how you become spiritual and relaxed and I love this quote I read in it like when the student needs a teacher the teacher shows up right on time and then when the student no longer needs the teacher the teacher disappears so it was a nice metaphor for all the people that come in and out of your life right yeah I just got to chill from that. I had a teacher depart just very recently. Oh, really? Yes.

Interesting. And not dead, but exited my sphere, we'll say. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yes, yes. Then there's Breath by James Nestor. Have you read that? No, I haven't.

This is my friend Nicola brought this up for me for my birthday this year. And it's all about breathing and how you can calm yourself down when you're having a panic attack or anxiety or even like getting yourself to sleep at night, waking up in the morning, ways to energize yourself. I've never really been into breath work. So I'm trying to like open that door. Yeah. And then, you know, my all time favorite, which is letting go. I thought we would do a little book update for all the people that are reading books. So this book that I talk about all the time, The Pathway of Surrender by David Hawkins, who's a PhD and an MD. I talk about this. I mentioned

it on the podcast a lot because I always go back to this book and I'm not a person that reads books more than once. But I always go back to this book because it really, really can help you lay out like the energy that you're putting out, the vibration that you're putting out, right? Like, are you attracting good things? Are you putting out negativity? Are you stuck in your grief? Are you stuck in your pain? Are you stuck in not letting go? Are you stuck in blame? And then like the ladder to working your way up to courage, to bravery, to love, to compassion, and that every time we have an emotion, there's an opposite emotion. And we are choosing to either sit in the negative emotion or move on to the positive emotion. So I love this book because it really

is deep and it really makes you realize the more aligned you are with everything that's going on, the more accepting you are of things that don't go your way, the easier everything becomes and the higher vibration that you're like putting out there. And then all these things just start happening. It's kind of like magic. I mean, it's happened to me so many times, especially when I get in a funk, I'm like, oh no, no, no, you're not allowed to do this anymore. And not in a berating kind of way it's just like lift yourself up lift yourself out of it you know so that kind of you know attitude it's a nice reminder to like always switch it around flip it you know we had a really interesting conversation with my dad this week about exactly that we have been

having a frustrating time with a contractor who's ghosting and this and this and we already paid him and he's not showing up and he's doing shoddy work and all these things when he does show up and you know it had been really weighing on us and getting worse and worse and we're just like so frustrated and upset and we finally called my dad and we're like what do we do do we have to take this guy to court like what do we which we didn't want to do because we know that's just a nightmare and a half and my dad goes you know what it's a learning experience you're allowed to be mad about it for 48 hours and then you let it the fuck go and you know what it was so you know the conversation we had with him was so full of love and he was like unfortunately this is just like a

thing that happens and you're learning a lesson and it's an expensive lesson but like you don't need to carry this weight around with you and this anger around with you that's poisonous be angry for a moment and then move on and since that conversation we've like made it into this positive we're moving on even though sometimes it's a little difficult because we're sort of getting ourselves out of this sticky situation. And, you know, now Brad's dad is going to come out and help him with some of the building, which they love to build things together. So we're really turning it into, I think, something that's going to be really lovely. He's going to have good memories of doing this with his dad. And so I think it's going to work out just fine. But you

do have to make this conscious decision of like, I'm going to be done with that, you know, and kind of like catch yourself and be like, no, what can we do to actually make this a positive? It's also, it talks about blame a lot. Like when you blame someone for something, even if it is completely their fault, what is that buying you? Like, why do you need to blame someone? Like, and this is a perfect example of like, well, obviously it's the contractor's fault because he did everything, but it's like, what's the point of that?

You know, what's the point of blaming him for that? I mean, obviously it's money. It's frustrating. All of the things, especially when someone's so irresponsible and contractors are notorious for blowing people off and, you know, not finishing the job on time or raping you for prices. But yeah, it's like, what are you gaining from the blame? What are you buying yourself?

Because there's always something that you're getting like, oh, then you're innocent. Even if you blame someone for a breakup, like he was crazy or he was out of control or blah, blah, blah. It's like, well, yeah, but what? So then you're you're scot-free. You're innocent. Like it talks about the concept of like, just let it all go. Don't hold on to those sort of emotions.

Yeah. The blame is what keeps you cycling of like, I got to make this person act a certain way, whether it's a relationship or something like this. I got to make them do this. I got to force them to do this. They are at fault for X, Y, Z. But it's like once you're just realized that you actually can't force anybody to be a certain way or do a certain thing or show up for you, it gets a lot easier to let that go. And you're like, I actually can't force this person to do anything. Okay, so what do I do instead? I move on. I figure out what the solution actually is. And the solution is actually probably going to come from me,

you know, not from this external source that I can't force to do anything. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And I mean, that's my reading situation right now. I can't get enough of this shit. I'm so excited about how much I'm consuming. I'm going to have to get a hyperbaric chamber so I have time to read. I know. I know you can bring your phone in there and I have to because I have to time how much time I'm in there. Yeah. But I try not to be on that, you know. Chelsea, I'm curious. Do you find that the increased oxygen in the hyperbaric chamber makes it easier to like focus when reading and that kind of stuff? I mean, I can't really tell the difference.

Casey says he has more clarity when he gets out, but I don't know. I just, I know it's reducing swelling. That's all I know. But yes, I'm not having any trouble focusing on my reading. I mean, I know that it does a lot of healing after the fact, like you're in there for an hour and a half or two hours or whatever you can withstand. and then after the fact it continues to heal you or has healing proponents so I know that much and also my recovery time for this what I did and the laser was half of what it was when I didn't

use the hyperbaric chamber also you guys I have a second show in Spokane Washington that we added I want you everybody to know that because I'd like to sell that one out as well as the first show we added it on Thursday night before the first show I think that's in April and then I'm playing Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Fabulous. Yeah, so come on, let's go to that too because that's almost sold out. All the other dates for Little Big Bitch Tour

are available at ChelseaHandler.com and yeah, I'm really excited. Most of the cities are almost sold out. I love that. Guys, go see it. It's going to be so fun. It is going to be fun. I can't wait to get on stage again.

I have so much shit to try out and work out and figure out that I'm really excited. Do you find that you really like this portion where you're trying new things the most or do you like it when it's like really dialed in? No, I used to like it when it was really dialed in, but I've never been this loosey goosey about it. Like I'm just going to go to Nashville next week

and really just go up there and try shit and not use it as like, know that it's an experiment, not that it's a show. It is a show, but it's me doing my thing and just kind of not worrying too much about where it goes or what direction it leads in.

Yeah, just like you're dancing. Yeah, just like my dancing. Doing it. I may dance on stage. Oh, my gosh. You just never know what to expect. I'm actually reading something also. What?

It is one of the books that Laurel and Jackson recommended, Return to Life, Extraordinary Cases of Children Who Remember Past Lives. It is pretty interesting. It's a little bit like this kid said this thing and it was right. So it's a little bit of that sort of repeatedly. and then all of a sudden in the third section it's taken a turn toward quantum mechanics which is and quantum theory which is sort of hard to like pay attention to as I'm like what is that I'm falling asleep it's about is it another dimension basically it's about like the dimensionality of space-time and like how particles work and how like how when a shooting when you see a shooting

star it happened 4,000 billion years ago and we're just seeing it now yes and there's also a lot of mystery to it like yeah I bet because it's fucking confusing it's it's hard to read while I'm falling asleep at night but the book itself is really interesting he talks about like for example there's one kid who's like three and he starts talking about a plane crash and he died in a plane crash in his previous life and he knows his plane took off from a boat and it was called the USS Natoma and they start looking into all these things it's like three-year-old knows where Iwo is on the map and they like find the person who they think that he was who died in this crash and like his best friend who was on the ship with him it's actually like pretty spooky

and pretty cool yeah i've read stuff like that where kids like speak a language that they've never been taught at a very young age which makes you which is nonsensical or they'll remember a date and time i remember reading it i think it was either many lives many masters which is another Laura Lynn Jackson recommendation, but this kid remembering that he left his wife and two children and they went and found the wife and two children were still alive. So like under the pretense that he had been reincarnated and as a young child under five remembered all of this and where they were and that's where they were. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. It's crazy. It's like they really go through and sort of scientifically kind of quote unquote prove these things that this kid

is saying that are correct it's bonkers i know reincarnation is a real thing like fuck i hope this is my last go around i don't i don't want to come back as something like you know and then have to work hard again at my finding myself and fucking working and oh i just i just want to break you know i'd rather be a like a light like a light worker in heaven and helping people on earth do their best i'd rather be a star in your next life i think pisces are supposed to be living their last lives. Oh, that's good to know. Theoretically, it's supposed to be like,

if you're a Pisces, this is your last go-round. We are old souls. We are. True dat, sister. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save.

Get a quote at belairdirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up. Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable.

I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages.

On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it.

It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Chelsea, I have some fun updates for us from previous episodes. That's kind of what's really fun about these episodes is we get to hear from a lot of folks who have thoughts or are letting us know how things are going with them. So we'll get this one out of the way first, since I know it is not a fun topic for you. But this is an update about our guy who is leaving skid marks all over the girlfriend's house. I thought this was going to be about snakes or something.

Something murder, plague. The skid marks. Yes. This was a disgusting call. It was the worst. About a girl's boyfriend who sleeps over and leaves skid marks on the bed from his butt. And apparently all over the house. And apparently on the sofa.

Because I guess he's a St. Bernard apparently. Well, Christy wrote in and said, hey, Catherine and Chelsea, I just listened to the latest episode and wanted to let you know the skid mark situation amongst men is more common than you think. Some men, sadly, were not taught to wash their asshole in the shower. They think just scrubbing the outside of the butt will suffice. One Reddit poster was blown away and shocked that he was supposed to, quote, get up in there with soap and water. I highly recommend that this girlfriend get a bidet. The Tushy brand is easy to install and affordable. No, I don't work for them.

Just very pro bidet. Just a thought. What brand? Tushy? Tushy. Yeah, they have all these like at-home bidets. Well, I guess all bidets would be at home. Are you going to go to a restaurant and use a bidet?

Hopefully not. But she said, love the podcast. Love you both. My deepest sympathies to Chelsea Umber's passing. May his memory be a blessing. So it's a nice way to wind up an email about something uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh, I thought the email was going to be from someone, the girl who was dealing with the

shit problem. She has not responded yet. She has not responded yet. But I thought a bidet is a great idea. I'm like, I didn't even think of that. So yeah, a bidet is a good idea for everybody. I think so too. Although I am not pro bidet.

I feel like it's very clammy. I'm a Cottonelle wipes gal. So I like to be squeaky clean. But yeah, I like wipes as well. Yeah, yeah. The water is too wet for me. So this is another caller who is weighing in. and I thought this was just a really good email about postpartum depression from our

Meghan Trainor episode. She does not provide a name, but this listener wrote in with a really thoughtful email. I'm writing to weigh in on postpartum depression from your Meghan Trainor episode. There was a caller who was worried her depression might come back postpartum. I loved what Meghan Trainor said, and I wanted to add perspective from a mother of two who went through it myself. This is what I wished I had known at the time. This happens to so many women, and it's incredibly overwhelming to deal with if you think you're on your own. Secondly, and most importantly, prepare your partner.

Many first-time moms are afraid to use their partner because they want to be the mom who can do it all. This is a farce, so give up that ego game ahead of time. You will make mistakes and struggle to understand your baby and so will your partner, which is okay. You'll each have a relationship with this kid, so you need to figure it out together. Communicate expectations together ahead of time.

Side note if your partner is male. It feels like many men will grow up with the expectation that they are not as nurturing as women, which is another farce. I recommend taking the pressure off yourself and allowing him space to lean into his nurturing side and let him learn about his baby and letting him struggle at times. Thirdly, go easy on yourself. Remember, your body will go through a roller coaster of hormones after giving birth. Ride the wave. Don't get frustrated with yourself so you can listen to your needs and adjust. Don't resent your body's signs and suffer through them.

Take naps. You might feel gross from sweating all night. Make sure you bathe in a hot and cold shower. Drink electrolytes or coconut water and take safe supplements. Talk to your doctor. Also, have accessible, fulfilling snacks, water bottles, and electrolyte powder in all rooms of the house. Hunger and diet will play a massive role in regulating yourself.

I just like love this. I think this is good for anybody dealing with like any kind of depression, any kind of that. Lastly, expand your support group. You might want to crawl into a shell, but in advance, get nearby family and friends on a cycle, not for social hour, but to watch the baby so you can look forward to time for yourself. It's crucial to staying present within yourself. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

No matter what, you'll be a great mother. There's already so much love for this baby who doesn't exist yet, and they'll be lucky to have you as their mom. With love, a sister and dear, Chelsea. Isn't that lovely? I thought that was just really sweet and honestly, like good advice for anybody going through something because we do forget to do these like little self-care things or big self-care things.

You know, you hear about these moms who pass out because they haven't had a sip of water in four days. And I just thought that was really good, solid advice. Yeah, it sounds like it. I mean, I can't really weigh in because I don't have postpartum and we know why. Exactly. So I was like, well, this is good. This is like from someone.

And we also have an update from Niall, who was a fan favorite from our Julianna Margulies episode. He had gotten into a situation where he had accrued some credit card debt because he was working for a nonprofit helping with suicide prevention and had been like, I don't want to have to go back and work in the restaurant industry, but I feel like that's the only way to crush this debt. And our advice was like, go do it, get it over with, and you can move on to the next part of your life, you know? So Niall says, Speaking to you, Chelsea, and the lovely Juliana Margulies was one of the biggest highlights of the last year for me. And it was an honor and delight speaking with you and getting such good sound advice. You all continue to make me think, reflect, consider, and most importantly, laugh out loud every week on the podcast, especially regarding your eggs on an airplane scandal that recently came to light.

Oh, by the way, my friend Paige showed up with a bag of hard-boiled eggs to my house. she's like i was trying to hide this from you but it's in my refrigerator now oh my goodness page and i would be good friends but she didn't take the shells off she had the shells on which i think is a major that's something that anyone with an egg should have as a shell but see okay so just to play devil's advocate if you have the shell on then the egg is exposed for longer while you're not you're not healing it though remember you're just transporting them You're not eating them on the airplane. You're bringing them to your next location.

I have on occasion. Well, it's just like some of them have survived. It's like a kidnapping. You have to think about it as a kidnapping because that's what you're doing to people. You're kidnapping them with your eggs and you want to take the eggs and treat them. That's who you're kidnapping. You take the eggs from the first location to the second location. And the transit is when they are in the truck.

Yes. Yes. Getting hot and sweaty. We have gotten so many emails that are like, I thought Catherine was the only one. And lo and behold, I smelled something terrible on my last flight. And sure enough, it was hard-boiled eggs. If you find yourself traveling with multiple packets of salt in your pockets or in your purse, you might be the egg lady on an airplane. It's true.

So gross. Some woman just DM'd me this morning, a flight attendant. A guy with his bare feet up on the headrest of the person in front of him. And he posted it of his own feet going, I hope this guy can't smell my feet. So he's going to have to be arrested. I'm on the plane tomorrow. So I'm going to really I'm going to keep my eyes out. And if I see anything untoward, I am going to confront and make a citizen's arrest.

Incredible. Well, Niall continues regarding what I incorporated post podcast. I am ecstatic to update you that I'm entering this new year debt-free and, even more importantly, free of the financial stress and anxiety that I had been crippled with around the time we spoke. For me, you cannot put a price on your own well-being, and having that back has meant more to me than any other job or career ever could. I'm juggling a couple different jobs right now, two different waitering jobs, as well as some part-time personal assistant work, which I am enjoying. But now I have my proverbial ducks in a row financially,

I'm ready and eager to start exploring some new opportunities that ideally don't involve fake smiling and laughing at lame jokes so I can get that 20% tip. I think the biggest takeaway from speaking with all of you at Dear Chelsea was the boost to my self-esteem and helping to see my capabilities and potential way beyond how I identified my worth in the caliber or lack thereof, whatever job I was doing, be it helping to save lives through my work in suicide prevention or referring to myself as just a waiter. So with this new mindset, I'm very excited to get out there into a new world of professional opportunities. He goes on to say he's looking for more work as a PA and in administrative roles. And with this change of mentality, the future looks really

bright. Thank you so much again for everything. The two of you and your podcast continue to remain a bright spot in my week. All my love, Niall. Oh, thank you, Niall. I'm so glad. I'm so glad that all worked out. I know. I thought that was really good. We got a lot of responses about him and just like encouragement for him. So I wanted to fill everybody in. He's doing great. And he's in New York and looking for PA work. So, you know, let me know if you need a helper.

I have a couple more updates. We have one about Brian who was love bombed. This is not from Brian, although I did talk to Brian. He had reached out to this ex-boyfriend again to say like, hey, I called into this show. So he didn't entirely take our advice of just like cut off communication. But I thought that was very interesting

because it's sort of like he's asking permission from this guy he's getting advice about. I wondered about your thoughts about that. He called him before he called us? No, after he called us. I was like, Brian! So this is from someone who had a really similar situation. Hi, Chelsea and Catherine.

I'm listening to this week's episode where Brian called in about having been broken up with after one month and possibly love bombed by his Tinder date. The advice you both gave him was stellar, and I only have one quick anecdote of my own to add. A while back, I also met the most amazing man, and we fell madly in love within a month's time, only to have him break up with me at the end of the month due to some health concerns in his extended family, or so he said. They seemed like valid excuses, and I let him go gracefully, but doing so almost broke my heart. We felt so perfect together. Five weeks after the

breakup, he basically did a version of what Chelsea dramatized on the podcast, which was to contact me a text, and when I didn't answer, he called, saying I'm his entire world, he wants to get back with me. What ensued after that was more than 18 months of seemingly total bliss. We were absolutely disgustingly in love and crazy about each other. I won't go into detail, but after almost two years, he slowly started to pull away, just like he had the first month we had met. It took me a while to catch on that he was disengaging again, but when I did, I confronted him, and again, his excuses for being a bad boyfriend were sort of valid, work stress, new job, health concerns, but this time, I was out.

I bowed out gracefully and explained that regardless of the why this time, this is just not how you treat a person that you say you love and want to spend your life with. I blocked him from my life after that. What I mostly want to say is that sometimes, even if they come back, trust what they show you the first time. People follow patterns usually, and you're better off that he broke up with you sooner than later. Best of luck to you, Brian.

Interesting. 18 months together, and then he does the same thing. Yeah. And I mean, obviously, she had a good experience during those 18 months, but it's also like it's a long time. It's a long time, and it's time that you're wasting being with somebody who's not really your person, you know? Yeah, that's hard.

I guess the lesson is if someone shows you, you know, if they pull that crap after a month then disappear, disengage, then that's it. That's all you need to see. Absolutely. So thank you guys for writing in. And so last month we introduced a new segment sponsored by BetterHelp. It's called Calling and Backup. And we want to thank our partners at BetterHelp for sponsoring this segment.

Today we're again joined by David Yadish, who is a licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. So to our listeners, we're doing this thing with BetterHelp where they're going to have a counselor on who has actual counseling certification and credentials. And Catherine, you selected a couple of write-ins, right? Exactly. These next few segments are going to be

some trickier questions, some more difficult questions. And I thought it'd be good to have David's help. Okay, Chelsea, I have sort of a multi-part question. She says, dear Chelsea, my name is Chelsea and I am a 29-year-old counselor professional. I currently work at a low-income high school and find my job extremely fulfilling, yet very taxing on my own mental health. As I'm sure you're well aware, the needs of our adolescents are so high,

and I can't help but feel worn down myself. I honestly can't imagine doing anything else but school counseling due to its rewarding nature, but when I go home, I have nothing left to give my partner. I've been at my school for the past five years, and my own mental health has deteriorated trying to keep up with the needs and demands of the job. I've taken all the necessary steps to take care of myself. I've been in therapy for years. I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and do my best to focus on self-care.

However, I'm looking to start a family soon, and I'm not sure if my career is going to be sustainable. My questions for you are twofold. One, if I should stay in a field that needs me. Two, your advice on repayment of my student loans. Because I work in a low-income school, I qualify for Federal Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program. The stipulations under this program include that you have to make 120 consecutive payments,

so basically 10 years of monthly payments, working at a low-income school. After making 120 payments, your student loan debt will be forgiven. I currently have $78,000 worth of student loan debt, and it feels crippling. I have about eight years left until they will supposedly be paid off. The problem is I can't guarantee I'll be at my school for the next eight years because of how hard it is. I don't know how much longer I can work in a field that takes so much of myself. Do I put my mental health first and have a career change?

Or do I stay at a school where I'm extremely valued and continue to use my gifts? Or do I focus on finding my own inner peace and balance? Thank you for your time and helping me weigh my options. Sincerely, a burnt out counselor. Okay, Dave, let's let you go first on this one. Absolutely. So this is something that's very close to my own heart, because when I first started and graduated, I worked in community mental health myself for seven years.

It is taxing. It can be grueling. It can lead to so much compassion fatigue and burnout. And the first thing I want to say about that is therapists are needed everywhere. Like you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself and you have to do the things that are right for you. And whether that means staying in a job that you love and you feel you're really getting a lot for or moving to something that's a little bit different that feels more rejuvenating

or feels more engaging at the moment, there's benefit to both of those options. But you have to care for yourself. It's such a grueling field to be with people, especially younger people that are struggling with so much in society right now. You have to give yourself some self-care. Yeah. I wonder also if there's a lateral move here. I don't know what the parameters are, but maybe you could still qualify for this loan

forgiveness program if you went to a different location or some other way where you're still doing therapy in a way that qualifies for this loan forgiveness, but isn't maybe as hard as what you're doing right now? It'll probably be hard anywhere you go, right, in this field, but it will be a different kind of hard. So a couple of other thoughts that come up as well. I had a mentor who said when you're going through a tough time, and specifically she was referring to in times of grief, but I think there is a certain amount of emotional heaviness that goes with your job that this applies to that as well. And something she always would say is triple your self-care during times like that. So it sounds like you're already doing a lot, but if there's anything else you can

do, maybe it's adding massage, maybe it's adding more sleep. Anywhere that you can find some restoration, some self-soothing, and some self-care I think is going to be really helpful for you. And the other thing is maybe you need a sabbatical, especially when you're in such a tough role. Taking some time where maybe you're just taking an overall break, maybe it's six months, maybe it's a year, if you can afford to do that or do something else for the time being so that you can restore yourself, so you can fill up your own cup. If it's possible, maybe that's something that you can do. And maybe during that time, you do start your family. But that way, you're not saddled with both of those responsibilities at the same time of starting your family and dealing

with everybody else's stuff, that could be an option as well, depending on the parameters of this loan forgiveness. And to that end, maybe there's even a lateral move within your school. Potentially, you could move to part-time or even part-time in the role that you're in and doing part-time with something else. But talk to your higher-ups and see if there's something else that could be a good fit for you while you're still fulfilling your role and your obligations. But maybe all of your day doesn't need to be spent with this sort of trauma dumping that therapists go through. Yeah. I would just prioritize your mental health because, again, you can't help anybody when you're just on empty. Absolutely. And also because she's planning on starting a

family, I think you also have to take into consideration that that will also be an additional drain on your energy and taxing to you. So you're potentially taking on even more might not be a good fit to stay there anymore. What do you think about the monetary component to that, David? So that's a tough one because I participated in the student loan forgiveness myself for quite some time. And at some point, it got to that point where I just had to kind of make the next step that was right for me. But like you said, there are a ton of lateral moves. There are so many spaces in community mental health, in the public school system that are just so open for any support that they can get. And if that's where you feel called

and that's where it feels good for you, there's places to go. And if it's not right here, it's somewhere else. Great. Anything else we want to say about that one or do we feel good about it? Yeah, I feel good about that. Awesome. Great. Well, burnt out counselor, you've gotten a couple of different pieces of advice. So let us know what you decided to do and let us know what you named your baby. Thank you again to Calling and Backups sponsor, BetterHelp, and of course to David Yadish, who is a licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. Great. Well, Chelsea, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back with some callers. Okay.

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And we're back. And we're back. Well, our first question comes from LB. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 34-year-old female, and after taking a two-year break from dating for a multitude of reasons, I'm ready to jump back in. I know that online dating is probably my best bet to break out of my bubble and meet someone new. Here's the catch. I've suffered from trichotillomania since college. If you don't know what this is, it's a compulsive, body-focused, repetitive behavior where I

pull hair from my head and eyebrows. I've been in therapy for it for, well, what feels like forever, and have recently gotten my trick under control. My hair pulling became pretty extreme around five-ish years ago, and I began wearing wigs to cover the damage I had done to my, quote, natural hair. After getting shamed and laughed at for wearing terrible wigs while going out, I finally coughed up the money for a real lace front, and listen, it looked good. Maybe too good?

Fast forward to now. My natural hair has grown out, and I'm actually pretty proud of the way it looks. I'm still embarrassed of my hairline, where the pulling was the worst, and I'm not sure I'm ready to wear my natural hair out in public. All that's to say, I would assume if I were dating someone, they would see me in my natural element quite often. So here's my predicament. All of my photos on social media and the way I present myself on the daily is wearing my

beautiful wig. At what point during the dating process do I need to disclose that I wear a wig to my potential partner? Do I need to tell them why? I don't want to seem like I'm catfishing or presenting a false pretense for how I actually look to a potential partner, but I also don't want to trauma dump on someone and give them too much information before actually meeting in person. Also, if you have any advice on how to eventually shed this thing and gain confidence in my new self and stop, ahem, wigging out, I'd greatly appreciate that, too. Thanks, Chelsea. LB.

LB. Okay. I thought this was a really good question. I actually had a friend who had this years ago, and she found love and happiness. So there's hope for our friend here. I mean, I think that it's not front-loading it, but it's disclosing it at an appropriate time. You know, it's like you can tell someone, oh, by the way, I wear a wig. It's for medical reasons and not even getting into what they are.

If you want to let them know, like, if you're going to be intimate and they're going to find out, then front-load it that way. Don't front-load it like it's the first thing that you tell somebody that you're meeting online. It's not necessary. once you meet in person and there's some chemistry and there's some sort of investment on either's behalf then I think you can say oh I wear a wig I can explain it to you further down the road if we continue seeing each other I'll explain it to you but it's not anything you need to know about right now I just want to let you know so there's no surprises because I think physical stuff like that you know you want someone to be forthright forthcoming I think yeah I agree I think you know

I don't think it's a before you meet them thing I think it's like several dates in when you actually feel like you want to get to know this person more. If there's going to be hair pulling and stuff like that in bed, obviously they need to know. But it's not the sort of thing I think you need to mention on a first date or maybe even a second. Like if you get to date three and you're like, I actually do want to keep seeing this person, then maybe that's the time to mention it. And I think Chelsea's right. Just sort of a casual mention of like, hey, I wear this for medical reasons. I like the way it looks. Maybe it's just even that. Like I really like the way it looks. And as far as getting back to your natural hair, I would say absolutely enlist a

stylist. That's kind of obvious. But maybe start with like a short crop and see how you like that so you don't feel like the burden is on your hair to look full and luxurious. There are so many like pixie cuts and even kind of longer pixie cuts right now that are just super cute. And you'll be able to give it like a lot of body so that it looks fantastic and you don't have to worry about any like stringiness or old growth that's not quite as full as what's shorter and what's grown back in. And also for hair growth, there's a lot of product out there. And I personally use this thing called Harklinikin. Harklinkinin? I can't say it. I mean, I think it's a few hundred dollars, but they have solutions for hair growth and you apply it to your hair all the time. I've used it

for over a year now and it helps my hair become thicker. So look into that. It's H-A-R-K and then Hark Lincoln. Hark Lincoln? Hark Lincolnon. I can never fucking say it. Just start Googling Hark and hair and maybe you'll find it. And also there's tons of hair and vitamin pills. I'm sure you're already taking those. They have gummies, all that stuff. But sometimes like a refresh on your hair can be a good thing. Like I know a family friend of mine, she lost all her hair with chemotherapy and it came back in like super cute and wavy. She was always someone who had this very specific hairstyle and now she's got like a sweet cute pixie cut and she looks incredible with short hair. So don't be afraid to go short. Well, our next question is a caller. This question

comes from Jay. Dear Chelsea, I'm 25 years old and I live half the time in an adorable apartment with a good friend from college and half the time at my 30-year-old boyfriend's house. We've been dating for over three years. I'm very independent and value my space and alone time, so I've enjoyed this arrangement of splitting time between my place and his. However, I'm starting to feel ready for the next step, moving in together. I love many things about my boyfriend, but what I don't love is his cleaning habits. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but his kitchen in particular gets really gross. He has a habit of letting things pile up for a long time and then having a binge clean all at once that takes several hours, if not

all day. I've had several talks with him throughout the years about how my mental health is really affected by my environment, and the degree of mess he accumulates gives me intense anxiety at times. I've tried to encourage him to do just a little bit of cleaning on a consistent basis so it's not so stressful and doesn't take him as long when he does get to it. There are times I can see he's making a conscious effort to make sure I'm comfortable, but it's still not consistent, and it always inevitably piles up again.

He owns a business, which is very difficult and time-consuming, and he has ADHD, which I know contributes to his habits, so I start to feel like the bad guy when I continually confront him about it. Additionally, his house is quite small, and he has a lot of stuff. He says he would make room for me, but I just can't imagine how there would be any space for me and my life if I were to move in. I fantasized about getting a bigger house that would be ours together where we could start fresh, but he owns this house, and I know there's a lot of renovation he wants to do before he would be ready to sell. I'm also very averse to renovation while I'm living in the space. I'm starting to feel like there's no good path forward, but I don't want to end the

relationship over something that seems like it should be fixable. Thanks in advance, Jay. Hi, Jay. Oh my gosh. Hi. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited, but also pretty nervous. Oh, you're going to do great. Jay, you guys have been together. How long did you say? About three and a half years coming up on that. Uh-huh. So I used to be like this, too.

I just didn't know how to do dishes, quite frankly, because somebody always did them for me, whether it was my childhood growing up and my family or my mom or, you know, my housekeeper now. But now when I'm in Whistler, I'm on it because I'm the only one here most of the time. And it's not that hard to get into the habit of just washing your dishes after you use them or putting them in the dishwasher after you use them. You can create that new habit fairly quickly. So if this is such a mountain for you, first of all, you shouldn't move into his house until you sort this out because if you have anxiety from dishes, you're going to have it. What is his response to you when you talk about the dishes and how have you broached it with him? so i try to be communicative about it but it's very hard for me to express how i feel without getting emotional which i understand is kind of my red flag so when i do get upset about it he

usually will like jump into action right then but it's not like a consistent priority for himself and he can't seem to like get into those good habits and make his own space good for his mental health. Right. Okay. And you get emotional when you talk about the dishes? Yeah. Just like my environment, I think impacts my mind state. Growing up was kind of in a little bit of a chaotic household. So as I've gotten out of the house and on my own, it's become more freeing for me to keep my space cleansed and organized and everything. Well, it sounds like you're really good on your own without the influence of that. It sounds like you don't want to live with someone, even though you may think you do, because if those are the circumstances that he brings to the table

and you can't accept that and you need it to change, I don't know how that's going to be helpful for you to be living in that environment. You're obviously like having a sense of control over the hygiene of your place. And the only way to maintain that integrity based on what you're telling us about your boyfriend is for you to continue living in separate places, right? I mean, you can only explain to him so much of what you need if he's not willing to do it and you're not willing to get over it. Like you can either let it go and come to peace with it or become at peace with it, or he has to change. And it doesn't sound like either two of those things are likely. Yeah, I feel like part of it is my only other long term relationship was also three and a half years. So I think I'm feeling this like internal pressure to kind of figure things out and ask the big questions like, can I actually live with him? So that's where a lot of the pressure is coming from right now.

Yeah, I mean, because if you could move into a new place, you could set up a new dynamic, right? And that's your place together. But if it's his place, these are his habits. It's unlikely that they're going to change when you move in, unless you're able to communicate to him how important it is to you, maybe without being emotional. You know what I mean? Because it's, that's an unfair pressure that that adds to the situation, especially when we're talking about dishes. It doesn't have to go there. It can, it's just something that makes you feel safe and comfortable is a clean house. And having a really normal, loving conversation about that with him, that you do want to move forward in this relationship, that you are eager to see where this is going. But these are the things that are kind of making you uneasy. And I mean, if it's said in the right way and in the right tone, I just can't imagine that he wouldn't be able, it's not, it doesn't have to be you yelling at him or bickering or picking him apart. It doesn't have to have that tone. it can be about why it's important for you not what's wrong with him or why he's not doing it right yeah and part of why I do get emotional I feel is it seems like it's always I'm the one wanting him to work on something or change something and be better and he never really has a bad thing to say about what I'm doing so I get hesitant to even like bring it up yeah but you can't because communication is everything and if you're not communicating then then you're just, you're not doing any favors to yourself by holding this in or by having all

these feelings. It's an issue for you. And it just has to be about your issues when you're discussing it with him. It's not about him. It's like, I want to feel safe. He wants you to move in. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so have you said anything at all about the dish situation and moving in? Yeah. Even just yesterday. Cause I stay with him on the weekends and on Sunday, I kind of feel like motivated to get cleaned up and stuff. So I've tried to make that a habit for us to like do together and like I'll help him out a little bit. And I expressed like, I just don't know how I'll ever be able to live with you. Like it doesn't feel like there's space for me. And he said, I want you to move in whenever you feel ready, but it sounds like you don't think I'm

ready? And I was like, yes. I mean, with specifically the dishes issue, I think that when something like that is not getting done on a consistent basis, there is a missing system. So if there's a way for you to like take emotion out of it and just be like, okay, what's the system that's broken here? Is it they're not getting done every night before he goes to bed or whatever the case may be? Helping him work that into his routine might be really helpful. But also, if you guys do move in together, you're both going to be a part of that space. So like it does need to be kept clean for your sanity. And I think if he's a person who likes to binge chores, maybe he's the guy who does the laundry and he cooks and you do the dishes.

You know, maybe that's something that you figure out like who does what and put the system in place. So it's like, great. I know I don't have to worry about this anymore because it's my space too. And he's doing these other things that are a little more like bingeable and work to his strengths. But I do agree, like, it's really tricky to try and move into their space, especially if things aren't getting purged that are taking up the entire spot. Answer me this. Are you in a position that like you guys could buy a place together? I fantasize about that. And I think that if he were to sell his house, it could be possible, but it seems like he's kind of solid in this house for a while. There's a lot of changes he wants to make. He has a whole

workshop set up in the basement. I have a feeling that if he is someone who is not getting the dishes done on a consistent basis and he has ADHD, as someone with ADHD, he will not finish projects that he starts at his house if he's planning on doing them himself. If you do really want to move in with him, you got to nip it in the bud and be like, you know what, these are never going to get done. Or let's hire someone to get them done by a year from now, six months from now, whatever the case may be, like put a time limit on it. I mean, I have a friend who has been renovating the only bathroom in his home for two years. He is a man in his 40s who has to bathe in the bath every single time he wants to clean himself, as well as his wife and children,

because his bathroom is not finished. Like there are certain people who are good at finishing projects and there are certain people who are good at starting projects. And people with ADHD are amazing at starting projects, but not always finishing them. So I think you gotta put some time limits.

I will say it's not like just the dishes because I can be guilty of that too. Sure. But it's as simple as food trash. Just put it in the trash can instead of on the counter. Also, his bathrooms are actually not bad. so props to him yeah i did it i was like how are the bathrooms and she said they're they're pretty clean so there's hope but another thing is like his driveway he has like a junk driveway one of

those houses that you drive by and you're like that's a lot of crap yeah i mean chelsea i think she's you guys have to get a place that's yours together even if it's renting for a little while i think if this is gonna work it has to be both it's hard to go into someone else's place and set up new rules or systems, as Catherine put it, which I think is accurate, all of these things are just going to start to annoy you even more than they already do. Like you're already irked by them. And like, listen, you have a choice to be bothered by it or not be bothered by it, but you are bothered by it, right? It may not seem like a choice to you, but it is. Like you could be able to overlook it if you really wanted to, but you're just like, no, this is important

to me. And by the virtue of its importance to you, it should be important to him too. And it just sounds like everything you're describing is going to drive you crazy. So you I don't think that it's a smart decision to move into his place. I mean, I'm not saying to break up with him, but I think you got to have something where you're meeting in the middle. Like, you know, if you move into a place together, you can set the tone about what's what's going to happen dish wise. And it's not a hard habit to just get into putting your dishes in the dishwasher after you eat food. it's actually feels really good to take care of that stuff in real time from somebody who didn't used to know how to do that stuff like not know how but i would just was like oh fuck it there was always you know dishes in the sink somebody will get it not me and it's like ew no it's kind of nice to do it yourself and be like an adult not a baby yeah this stuff can go into nagging territory so quickly and i think you you have the seed of what is going to help which is like Assuming you guys do move in together, there can be cues that are not nagging.

So it's like, great, dinner's over. Let's hop up and do the dishes. And you do it together. It takes five minutes, you know, that sort of thing. Having cues for like, this just happened. Now this has to happen is very good for an ADHD brain. And having cues rather than it being like, why didn't you do the dishes last night? Like those are very different things, you know?

yeah i think definitely getting to like a clean slate where we can just join forces and make it like new systems does he come to your house at all does he spend time at yours rarely because he also has two dogs and my roommate at my apartment has a cat so it's just a lot right right yeah and are you feeling like this might be your guy this is your person yeah Yeah, then I think if that's the case, then I really think it would be prudent to wait and do something together and be very honest about it, you know, in a non-emotional way. Like, I really want to be with you, but these things just really irk me and I don't want to put us in a dynamic where I'm going to start to really resent you and not want to be in this relationship. Right now, I want to be in this relationship, but I think there's room for improvement. And that's not just for him. That's room for your acceptance of him. So you guys can meet in the middle. he can move a little and you can also move a little yeah okay like there can be rules you know if it's food on a plate a plate can be in the sink but it can't have food on it you at least have to wipe the food off you know and rinse it out rinse it out you know that's less of an affront

than looking into a sink filled with dirty silverware and all of that stuff yes agreed so yeah i mean there's room for compromise but i definitely think you just have to front load all of this be very honest you'll be amazed at what like real honesty yields you know especially from the other person it's a good practice to get into for your whole relationship and any other relationships in your life definitely well keep us posted jay i'm interested to see when and if you guys move in together um but yeah i think there's a big conversation coming about like it should be a different space like a new space that's a clean slate and no dead cars in the driveway definitely okay thank you so much okay well good luck with everything jay i'll see you

on the little big bitch tour okay i'll see you which city are you coming to probably chattanooga oh tennessee okay i'll see you there jay all right see you thanks for calling good luck bye they'll get it figured out i think i think she's right i think that problem is very fixable It just, it's going to take some communication and some, some solves, some fixes. Yeah. I mean, people can influence each other. Like when I dated Joe Coy, he made the bed every morning, even though like I have a housekeeper in my house, even when we were in hotels, he would make the bed every morning.

And now I make the bed every morning because I'm just like, that's nice. I'm going to do that too. It's just feels like an adult thing to do. It does help set your day up. Even regardless of whether your bed is getting made or not. It's like, it's good to do that for yourself. It is. It is.

I think for me, this sort of thing changed during the pandemic of like making my bed every day, making sure every dish is done every night, you know, for the most part, just because I was like, this is the only space we're in. I used to be much more like, you know, we wouldn't say days worth of dishes in the sink, but being trapped in one space all the time definitely helped me like get into routines of like every night, everything is clean before I go to bed. But they'll get it figured out. I think they will.

I think it also helps that her boyfriend's a little older than her, too, because she's 25 and he's 30. So he's at a place where he should be doing the dishes every night. The Jonas Brothers are running it back. We live the burning up tour and celebrate the biggest Jonas Brother hits that have defined a generation. one incredible celebration one unforgettable night see the jonas brothers live at rbc amphitheater september 28th get tickets now at ticketmaster.ca jonas brothers the burning up tour all over again when i was 14 years old i was kidnapped and held captive for nine months i survived and i've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart

and these are The Survivor Files. I just remember this low taunting voice next to my ear saying shut up, don't say anything. Every week I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm from best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments nothing is off the table it's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a trojan horse whether you're looking for literary deep dives smart pop culture conversations or a community of readers who love to think a little too much you're in the right

place listen to pro society on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies

you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our next call comes from Dana. Dear Chelsea, I'm currently listening to your podcast with psychic medium Laurelyn Jackson, and I feel so strongly compelled to write in and ask for your advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. He has two wonderful children from a previous marriage, and we have a 15-year-old son together. I've been in my stepchildren's lives since they were seven and four, so I know them well and I love them very

much. My stepdaughter and I have grown very close over the years. She's now 23 years old. My stepson is 27 years old, and we've given him even more attention and focus than my stepdaughter throughout his life. Although he's never been missed or personality, over the last few years, my stepson has been acting increasingly strange i can't put it into words but even my husband and mother-in-law say that he's strange i on the other hand have grown more and more uncomfortable around him and feel such bad energy when he's around oh it's not just a negative energy but something more that my gut and intuition won't let go of it's reached the point where i don't trust him and i feel that my younger child is not safe around him for some reason i have no actual real

evidence of this but i can't shake off this feeling of bad energy and i'm almost starting to feel anxious and afraid when he's around i'm not wondering how to get rid of these thoughts because they have been so pervasive that i feel like i need to pay attention to them do you have any advice as to what i should do thank you for being a light in my life always making me laugh and for being a beautiful smart unapologetic and badass woman love you dana hi dana hi dana hi Hi, how are you? Hi. Okay, so he's 27.

So he's an adult. So how often is he around you guys? He doesn't live with you guys. No, no. Lately, much less. When he was younger, almost all the time. There was no restriction on, you know, when he could visit. As he got older, you know, you get busier.

But now it's almost like he is acting more and more strange. I don't know. so the more that happens the less we're seeing him so do you have any sort of descriptors for this type of strange is it like he's angry is it awkwardness like what does it feel like exactly it's all of that it's all of that and then the reason I said trusting my gut is because I feel like there's something more and I don't know if I should be careful about it or you know what i mean i i just don't know what it is that there's just something else and you know i need to protect my child uh-huh of course absolutely no they've known each other obviously i've known

him since he's a little boy since he's seven years old he's never been like mr personality but now it's just it's reached a point where even my husband acknowledges that there's something strange going on so i don't really know what to do with that with i guess the intuition yeah well i think you always have to trust your intuition that's mother's intuition female intuition like that's kind of inarguable that's your priority is your child and the sky is an adult so he's not in your life that much you know and you know it doesn't even matter what it's it matters how it makes you feel right it doesn't matter what the behavior is it just matters that your spidey senses are kind of up. And I think you have to have an honest conversation with your husband

about the boundaries that you want to create and explain to him that like, you're not just going to take a chance, something doesn't sit right with you. And you're not going to ignore that feeling. And that you have to behave in the best interest of your, your younger child, or children. Sorry, you said you have two children, right? I have a stepdaughter. So she's younger. Also her I've known her her whole life. But my my son's 15. okay and my stepdaughter's great like she's she's amazing she's so different very ambitious very smart very hardworking um you know always wants to be around and very open and talkative i totally agree with chelsea i think you absolutely must listen to your gut and maybe that's not saying

he's never allowed in my home but maybe that's like anytime he's in my home i'm in the room when he's with my younger son. Like, I think that is absolutely, totally fine to have a rule for yourself with that or that your husband's in the room or whatever. Because your gut is telling you this for a reason. Like, those spidey senses are absolutely there for a reason. Are there any sort of behaviors you can point to?

I mean, is it like he's hurting animals or is there any of that kind of stuff? Or is it more like he's very reclusive and... Yeah, he's becoming a lot more awkward. he won't even ask like can i talk to you about this behavior or this he just won't say anything he'll be like nope again i don't want to say that this is what i think it might be but he's a little touchy-feely with my son and even in front of him and i know now as my son's getting older he doesn't like that stuff though the other and like he was he had his hand around his waist rather than like

his shoulder. Right. Well, I think it's also important to have your husband have a conversation with his son about possibly talking to someone like a professional and, you know, have it be between them. Like, listen, you're not comfortable and it's not your you don't have the responsibility that you have to talk to him. He's got a father who can say, like, listen, I think it's important that you sit down with somebody and see if there's an avenue there to pursue, like see if he's amenable to that, you know, or open to doing that, even if it was like group therapy or something that seemed less, you know, I'm sure he may be resistant, but you should definitely open the conversation. And of course, you have to relay this to your husband and let him know that like

you have to set up some boundaries for the safety of your child, that your child feels it and you feel it like that's it. That's all that you need, you know? Agreed. I think, you know, and maybe it's even like father and son go to a family therapy sessions you know like the two of them going together to be able to talk some of this stuff out but I think there's also a conversation to have with your younger son about like if anything happens that makes you feel uncomfortable you need to let me know also it's okay to say like I'm not comfortable with that empowering him to have that language as well you know if there's too much touchy feeliness yeah that sounds great. I mean, it's really like my husband's call because again, he has a mother, he has a father.

And maybe it's your husband saying he wants to go into therapy with his kids. Maybe he can reframe it like your stepdaughter and him and the stepson, maybe they all go together to kind of make it a different dynamic. So he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or targeted or something, you know, that it's more of a family affair in the name of the safety for the rest of the family. Like, obviously, if you ignore something and people's behavior escalate and escalate, it's always headed in a bad direction when people become reclusive and they become isolated. And all of those things like those are red flags. And to ignore it is a disservice to him. Like you're not helping him at all by ignoring it. And his father's not helping

him by ignoring it. So something has to happen. You know, if you watch any of these shows about true crime and stuff it's just like always leading up to this you see this behavior and it's worth calling out and addressing before things get carried away because even though it's not your responsibility it's part of your life right yeah and does he have a job he does but he's like in a retail job but he's not ambitious and it's just so weird because my husband's got a great job My stepdaughter just finished school and she's so driven and ambitious and she's going to be a professional. He has great role models in his life, but it's in him. He's not driven. He's awkward. He's escalating. It's just trusting my gut. Like I said, it won't go away. So I really

do want to do something. Yeah. Well, he sounds depressed also. So your husband can bring that I mean, if you want to make it a direct thing and not a family thing, it can be we're concerned, you know, you seem very depressed, like you're not acting normal, you're not acting like yourself. So yeah, but you should definitely put up some boundaries and make sure that you're protected, that your son is protected, that nobody's alone with him, you know, including you, you shouldn't be alone with him either. Good point. Yeah. And, you know, maybe also just to like make sure everything up to this point has been OK for your son, maybe having him go to a couple of sessions with a counselor to just to, you know, just to clear the air, make sure everything's going all right with him. Yeah, he actually does one himself. So I can have him address that and say, like, what does he think of his behavior in the last few years? Yeah. And how your son feels about it, too. You know, like, is he feeling uncomfortable? You know, maybe the therapist can help give him some language for that as well for when uncomfortable situations do arise. And making sure that your son doesn't end up alone with him on his own volition, like that they're not making plans without you that you don't know about, you know? yes right right right yeah okay all right so just but do address it you have to address it don't leave it because that could be a dangerous person you know what i mean you don't know what he's

doing in his private time in his private life definitely address it because we need more people to say things you know when when stuff like this is is around us right like my like my mother-in-law his his grandmother she's even saying you know like i don't know what he does in his life nobody really knows like his own mother he's so defensive and secretive and i don't want to pry i just want him to like start you want to feel safe yeah and and like you said it'll help him too if you start acting like less defensive and less weird yeah so well dana um keep us posted i know this is like a pretty tricky situation but yeah let us know what you guys decide to do yeah yeah it's yeah because it's not an incident it's like an ongoing yeah yeah but just know that your instinct

and you can relay this to your husband like it's not negotiable this is your child it's the most important thing in the world to you you're not willing to negotiate on this this is a big issue it's been bothering you for some time and you have to trust yourself because god forbid anything happened to your son you would never forgive yourself no no no because it's also a pervasive thought it's like yes i'm sure i'm sure and then you can get yourself some ease you know too by having open conversations about it not around it about it yeah yeah yeah that's a very good point so we've been doing okay good good okay well definitely keep us posted thank you for calling i love you chelsea love you too honey thanks dana so much i mean honestly like that is the best

advice we can give to any woman is like if something feels off it is it is off yes absolutely intuition is everything and we need to trust it it's a knowing we all have it and you know what you feel it's like in your stomach lately it's it's in your stomach you bring up true crime like our last apartment that we were in there was this couple that lived below us and they were like maybe in their 50s so you don't think like that's going to be so dramatic or whatever but this couple in their 50s. They would have these horrible, nasty fights. And they were usually verbal, but it escalated during the pandemic when they were stuck at home together. And I would say to Brad, I'm like, he is going to hurt her. He is going to kill her, partially because he would

say, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. And I told myself, these thoughts are coming up for me. He's saying these horrible things, and he's threatening her. He's going to do it. And I thought, you know, I just watch too much true crime. I just listen to too many true crime podcasts. And sure enough, a couple of years ago, he attempted to kill her and then he killed himself. And she thankfully survived and is doing well now. And he did not. But I was just, you know, I had this overwhelming feeling. And we called the police several times being like, this is happening. Of course, they came too late to do anything about it anytime that it was happening. but just trust your gut like don't convince yourself your gut is just you're making too

big of a deal about it like put safeguards there for yourself whenever you can i was watching that my lover is my was my killer thing on netflix that's a true crime thing about people you know who got into really controlling relationships with men who eventually murdered them and women did it too but obviously not at such a high rate but it's like all the signs lead to the same fucking thing. The controlling behavior, the phone, the isolating you from your family, you're not talking to your parents anymore. You move away from your friends. You're not allowed to go out with your friends. And then the abuse starts and then the abuse escalates and then they fucking kill you. It's always leads to the same shit. There's no one that's controlling that just

gets over it. That all of a sudden has come to Jesus and is like, oh, you know what? This is toxic. It always goes down a very controlling line of behavior. It always escalates. It's never going to de-escalate without like extreme intervention or you get yourself out of the situation. You know, you leave the situation. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back to wrap up. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at BelAirDirect.com. When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. but these aren't stories about what's taken from them.

They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. This is Prose Society,

the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments,

nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse. Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people, and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind, or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip,

I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Well, Chelsea, I have a question that I could ask you for advice about teenagers. My sweet niece, she and my other niece, are coming to visit in a couple of weeks. And since you're a great auntie who has nieces visiting all the time, my question is, what do you talk about with teenagers? I kind of struggle with this. Oh, my God. Whatever they want to talk about is what you talk about with teenagers.

It's up to them. I mean, this weekend I had Kelly, my ski buddy, her girls, the twins that I always have up here, you know. and it's just whatever the fuck they want. I have to play games. I have to play cards. I have to play whatever. And I just to keep them entertained. Yeah. They want to go out to eat. They want to. But, you know, one of them's boy crazy and one of them's not. And one of them is on her phone all the time and the other one isn't. And so it's like it's different skill sets. But you just have to whatever they are into, you need to get into. And that'll be easy for you. You're good at that. believe me, I get exhausted. I'm like, okay, I've been doing this fucking two hours. Do I have to

continue to play this card game? But it's, you know, that time when it becomes easier, I know what you mean though. You're like, how do you get a conversation going? Cause you're in such different places. But I think the less pressure you put on it, the more natural the situation becomes. You know what I mean? Like it's okay if there's, you don't have to keep every minute loaded with activities. They want to be on their phones half the time anyway. And you know, the Nice conversations, I think, come naturally when you are playing a game that you don't want to play, when you are out to dinner, you know, like you do all the things and then it just kind of flows.

So I, yeah, but it's definitely not about you. I know. I was like, I just know, like, don't ask them about school because they think that's a boring question. Yeah. You got to ask them about their friend dynamics, about boys. I don't know. All that stuff.

Yes. One of my friend's kids once was telling, like, she opened up to me and was, like, saying, oh, you know, me and my friends, we think we're going to try, like, a weed candy thing. It was, like, one of those nerd ropes, but it had cannabis in it. And I was like, okay, well, like, do you know how many milligrams are in it and everything? She's like, oh, it's 100, and we're going to split it four ways. I was like, you will lose your mind. Don't do this.

So I like to pry a little bit and be like, um, just try, like, one 100th of it and try that. Yeah, no, definitely pry because that's how you get information. But I like to always be like, I'm on your level. You know, I'm with you. It's you and me. I try to be a cool auntie. I try. I try.

Yeah. Well, Chelsea, this was super fun today. Yes, it was. Anything else we want to say to wrap up? A Netflix special is called Revolution. It's streaming on Netflix. And I just won the Comedy Icon Award of the Year from Variety. Oh, my gosh, yes.

Variety's comedy icon of the year. How cool is that? Listen, was there any other choice? There was not. I don't know. I don't know. How fun. Oh, that's so exciting.

Yes, and I will see everyone. Well, I'll see everyone on tour. Little Big Bitch Tour. Yes. Oh, my gosh. I've added some new dates. I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming to Colorado to Red Rocks Amphitheater.

I'm coming to Kalamazoo. And then I'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee. Memphis, Knoxville, and Chattanooga. That's May 19th, 20th, and 21st. And then I'll be in Atlantic City, June 10th, which is almost sold out. So go to ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. We'll see you guys very soon. Okay, take care.

A note on our segment, calling in backup with better help. David Yadish's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore, there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because you might hear something on the show that sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self-diagnosis.

Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want to find a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses, if that's important to you. If you or your partner are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety, please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local authorities. Have a safety plan, and that can be done with a therapist, too. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio, produced by Catherine Law and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them.

I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the Internet and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. hey this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements we host the podcast Hollywood Handbook each week we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us everyone has a good time and no one gets mad at their publicist for letting them do our show we've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman Adam Scott Danny McBride Ben Stiller and

a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B.

I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.

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