Life Wisdom - By Words of Taoism - Do not Force, Flow - Taoism

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

An invitation to explore another way of changingFree resources, books and more on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://wordsoftaoism.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠My blog ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://taoismteachings.substack.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠Music I use, as a playlist: ⁠⁠⁠https://tinyurl.com/spotifyzenplaylist⁠⁠⁠

Welcome to Life Wisdom. Today's reflection is dedicated to change, to the resolutions we make each year, to the discipline we try to impose on ourselves, and to the exhaustion that often follows. I am Chen Li, author of the blog Word of Taoism on Substac, and you're listening to my podcast. Every year, the same ritual seems to repeat itself. we make resolutions promising ourselves that we will change improve finally become that

that version of ourselves we have been imagining for so long this year we tell ourselves we will exercise this year we will eat better this year we will meditate read more spend less time on our screens these promises are sincere born of a genuine desire for transformation, a deep longing to live differently, and yet a few weeks later, most of them lie abandoned by the wayside. It is not that we lack willpower, nor that we are weak or fickle. It is rather that we approach change as one approaches a war, and end up exhausted from a battle we wage against ourselves. Our resolutions become weapons turned against our own being, instruments of guilt and judgment rather than pathways of transformation.

And when the suffering grows too great, we abandon them out of sheer self-preservation. There is another way, a discipline that does not break but supports, a strength that does not constrain but accompanies, a way of changing that draws its inspiration not from war, but from the natural flow of a river. This way the tower sages explored long ago, the way of water. Consider how we speak of discipline, for the vocabulary is that of the battlefield. We must combat our weaknesses, conquer our resistance, impose rules upon ourselves, hold the line, never yield.

We treat our body like a reluctant soldier to be drilled, our mind like an enemy to be subdued. our mind like an enemy to be subdued, our desires like adversaries to be tamed. This vision permeates our entire conception of personal change. And it produces exactly what one would expect from a war. Exhaustion, wounds, and sooner or later defeat. We cannot win a war against ourselves, for every victory is also a defeat when the vanquished and the victor are the same person. And every blow struck weakens us as much as it strengthens us.

This inner violence consumes enormous energy and leaves behind only ruins, the ruins of our self-esteem, the ruins of our confidence, the ruins of our joy. When we turn a resolution into a battlefield, we also turn it into a promise of suffering and something deep within us knows this.

Something resists, not the change itself, but the brutality with which we try to impose it. This resistance is not weakness, but a form of wisdom, protecting us from our own harshness and whispering that there must be another way. Lao Tzu observed that water is the softest thing in the world, yet nothing can withstand it. It erodes the harder stone by caressing it ceaselessly,

never forcing its way. When water meets an obstacle, it does not shatter against it. It flows around, adapts, seeks another path, and in the end, it always arrives where it needs to go. This image contains a profound teaching about the nature of true power, Brute force impresses but exhausts itself, while persevering gentleness, though it seems weak, accomplishes what force cannot. The reed bends in the wind and survives the storm. The oak resists and breaks. Flexibility is not the opposite of strength. It is a more refined, more

enduring, more effective form of strength. The discipline of water does not be able to be able to seek to break what resists. It seeks the path of least resistance, where change can flow naturally. This approach may seem too gentle to be effective, for we have so deeply internalized the idea that change must be painful, that discipline must be harsh, that transformation must cost us something. We distrust what seems easy, believing that if it does not hurt, it does not work. But look at the results of this belief. The graveyard of our resolutions, the exhaustion and guilt it produces. Perhaps it's time to try something else. Imagine two people doing the same task. One does it while constantly criticizing themselves, worrying about the outcome,

forcing themselves at every moment, fighting against their urge to do something else. The other simply does it, present to what they are doing without that layer of inner commentary, without that mental friction. Both accomplish the same task, but the experience is entirely different. The first is exhausted at the end while the second still has energy. The first suffered while the second may even have found a kind of pleasure. Wu Wei invites us to ask, Where is the friction in what I am doing?

Where am I fighting against myself? What could I release, soften, allow to flow more smoothly? These questions seek to eliminate unnecessary effort, the kind that produces nothing but exhaustion, and invite us to find the path where action can flow as water flows, unobstructed, without struggle, without waste. And so instead of asking, how can I force myself to do this? We might ask, what is the next step, the smallest one I could take?

Instead of planning extreme transformations, we seek the minimal gesture that can be accomplished and repeated over time. Instead of aiming immediately for perfection, we accept gradual movement, direction, rather than destination. What is the difference between a rule and a ritual? A rule imposes itself from outside, creating obligation and therefore resistance, generating guilt when broken, transforming every lapse into failure and every deviation into fault. A rule is an order we give ourselves, one we eventually transgress as we transgress any authority that does not respect us. A ritual, by contrast, does not impose but offers.

It is not a constraint but a refuge, a place where the mind can return when it scatters, an anchor in the flow of daily life. A ritual demands nothing but invites, does not punish absence but welcomes return, creates not obligation but familiarity, not guilt but gentleness. Discipline would do better to rely on rituals rather than rules, simple gestures,

almost insignificant in appearance, yet they create points of stability throughout the day. Beginning a new reflection, writing a single line in a notebook, tidying one corner rather than the whole house. These gestures ask almost nothing, and do not trigger the resistance that grand resolutions provoke. Yet repeated with regularity, they transform us. The power of these rituals lies not in their scale, but in their quality. For a small gesture performed with presence is worth more than a great effort performed in tension. These rituals calm the nervous system, build confidence in our own rhythm,

and transform ordinary actions into moments of grounding. They are like drops of water. order, insignificant one by one, yet capable over time of wearing through stone. A ritual is a small sanctuary in the day that whispers, you do not need to rush through your life. You can stop here a moment, you can breathe. This whisper is gentle, and that is why it is powerful. It invites, and we return to ourselves.

But what happens when we miss the risk? ritual. When the day carries us away and we forget, when fatigue or circumstances pull us from our intentions. Marshal discipline treats every lapse as a defeat, bringing out the whip of guilt, telling us we have failed, that we are weak, that we will never succeed. It transforms a simple oversight into proof of our inadequacy, and under this weight of judgment, we end up abandoning everything. For if the slightest slip is a failure, why bother trying at all? The discipline of water sees things differently, knowing that water too encounters obstacles, that it is sometimes diverted from its course, that it sometimes pools in hollows before finding its way again.

These detours are part of the journey, and water does not judge itself when a rock stops it. It waits, accumulates, finds another path, and continues. The only question that matters then becomes, can we begin again, without self-flagellation, without that inner tribunal that condemns us. Returning is the practice. Returning is the transformation, not perfection, not rigid consistency, but the capacity to come back again and again to our intention.

This approach abandons the ideal of perfection entirely. It does not ask us never to fall, but to get back up. It does not ask us never to stray, but to find our way again. It values not flawless performance, but gentle persistence, not the absence of deviation, but faithfulness to direction.

Water does not reach the sea in a straight line. It meanders, takes detours, sometimes doubles back, but it always arrives in the end. This freedom to return without guilt transforms our relationship with change, removing the fear of failure that paralyzes so many of our efforts. It allows us to try without the anxiety of having to succeed perfectly,

opening a space where learning becomes possible, because learning necessarily involves mistakes, fumbling, moments when we do not yet know how. At the heart of the discipline of water lies a fundamental shift in perspective. We move from self-control to self-care. These two expressions may seem close, but they describe radically different relationships with our own being. Self-control implies a division, for there is the one who controls and the one who is controlled, the master and the slave, the watcher. This division creates permanent tension, an inner war where one part of us

tries to subdue another, and self-control is exhausting precisely because it demands constant vigilance. One moment of inattention is all it takes for the controlled to escape the controller. Self-care implies no such division. There is no longer master and slave, only a whole being taking care of itself, as it would take care of someone it loves. Care is not so. Care is not surveillance, but benevolent attention. It is not constraint but accompaniment. It does not punish lapses, but understands difficulties and seeks solutions with compassion.

Imagine how you would treat a dear friend trying to change a habit. Would you speak to them as you speak to yourself? Would you criticize them at every mistake, judge them at every weakness? Probably not. You would encourage them, acknowledge their efforts, remind them that change takes time, help them up after a fall. The discipline of water invites us to treat ourselves with that same kindness. This gentleness is not indulgence. It does not pretend everything is fine when everything is not fine, nor does it renounce change under the pretext of accepting ourselves as we are. It simply recognizes that lasting change is born not of violence but of respect,

that true transformation comes from love rather than self-hatred. You cannot hate someone into healing, and you cannot hate yourself into transformation. Water does not erode stone in a day, but drop by drop, year by year, century by century, with the patience beyond our imagination. The Grand Canyon was not carved by an explosion, but by the patient passage of water over millions of years. This patience lies at the very heart of water's power, for it does not seek immediate results, but trusts time. Our age has lost this trust. We want quick results, visible transformations, spectacular changes, and we are impatient with ourselves, as we are with our own.

everything else. If change does not come fast, we conclude it will not come at all. If results are not immediate, we give up. And yet this patience is not passive. For water does not wait for stone to dissolve. It acts constantly, ceaselessly. But its action is not hurried. It does not try to accomplish everything today, doing what can be done now and trusting tomorrow. This combination of constant action and deep patience may be the secret of its power. Applied to our resolutions, this patience changes everything. It liberates us from the urgency that suffocates us, allowing us to accept the change takes the time it takes.

It invites us to measure our progress not in days, but in months. Not in months, but in years. reminding us that we are not racing, that no one is timing our transformation, that the only thing that matters is to keep moving forward, even slowly, even imperceptibly. So perhaps it is time to reformulate our resolutions as directions to maintain with gentleness, no longer as rigid rules, but as living rituals. The resolution of water does not say I must meditate 20 minutes every day, but I want to cultivate more moments of presence.

It does not say I must lose 10 pounds by summer, but I wish to take better care of my body. These formulations may seem less concrete, less measurable, but they're also less brittle, allowing for adaptation, flexibility, return after deviations. The resolution then becomes an intention, no longer a prison, but a path. And on this path we walk as water flows, without forcing, without fighting, but never ceasing to move forward. We flow around obstacles instead of shattering against them.

Accept detours as part of the journey, return to our direction each time we stray from it, without drama, without guilt, with the patience of water that knows it will reach the sea. Water does not become discouraged when it meets a dam. It accumulates, rises, waits, and sooner or later passes over, under, or through the cracks. It does not see the obstacle as failure, but as a stage, never losing sight of its direction, even when it seems motionless. And when the passage finally opens, it surges through, with all the force gathered.

Our resolutions can have this quality, directions maintained with the patience of water, intentions nurtured even in periods when nothing seems to advance, impulses that accumulate in silence until the moment when the passage opens. This discipline is not really, weak. It is profoundly

strong, strong with the strength that lasts, the strength that does not exhaust itself, the strength that always arrives in the end. Our lives can have this quality, our transformations can have

this patience, our resolutions can have this gentleness, not the gentleness of surrender, but the gentleness of water. That gentleness which is also the greatest of forces, that gentleness which shapes landscapes and carves canyons, that gentleness which, with time, accomplishes what violence never could. This change is not easy,

for we have so deeply internalized martial discipline that it feels natural, and the discipline of water may seem foreign, suspect, too gentle to be true. But perhaps we can try if only for a moment to put down the whip and let the water flow. Perhaps we can discover that there is another way to change, a way that does not break us, a way that carries us, water flows. It does not hurry, yet it accomplishes all it must accomplish. It does not force, yet nothing can withstand it. It does not struggle, yet it shapes the world.

Perhaps we have something to learn from it. Perhaps our resolutions so often shattered against the rock of our own resistance could learn to flow as it flows. Perhaps our discipline, so often exhausted in endless battles, could learn to persist as it persists. And perhaps one day, looking back at the path we have traveled, we will discover that we have changed. not in spite of our gentleness, but because of it, that we have become what we wanted to become,

not by forcing ourselves, but by accompanying ourselves, that our resolutions have been fulfilled, not through violence, but through the patience of water which drop by drop year by year always reaches the sea in the end.