Life with Nat - EP10: Reflecting on Grief

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

With the anniversary of Nat's Mum's death this week, we wanted to take a moment to speak with Nat's sister-in-law Linda and ever so lovely listener Debbie to celebrate together the lives of those who aren't with us any more. We promise, just like life itself, it isn't all gloom x Please subscribe, follow, and leave a review. xxx You can find us in all places here; https://podfollow.com/lifewithnat/view INSTA: @natcass1 A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] SHOW INFO: Life with Nat - it’s me! Natalie Cassidy and I’ll be chatting away to family, friends and most importantly YOU. I want to pick people's brains on the subjects that I care about- whether that’s where all the odd socks go, weight and food or kids on phones. Each week I will be letting you into my life as i chat about my week, share my thoughts on the mundane happenings as well as the serious. I have grown up in the public eye and have never changed because of it. Life with Nat is the podcast for proper people. Come join the community. ♥️ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com. Debs, thank you for joining us tonight. You're more than welcome. More than welcome. It's an honour. Thanks for asking. It's so lovely.

When I got your voice note about everything, it really touched me. So I thought doing an ep talking about losing people and what have you, you were the perfect candidate. Great. Thanks for asking me. I'm honoured to be here. It's great.

Thanks for asking me. Well, I'm joined tonight by linda linda is my sister-in-law ain't you lim i am indeed and how long have you been my sister-in-law too long well i was actually a cassidy before you well wasn't quite a a custody but I was in the family before you um even come along that mad so I'd worked with Natalie's brother and uh yeah I remember Friday the 13th very well because he made a big announcement at work that he had a new baby sister even though he was expecting a dog a little puppy ended up being a baby and yeah and the rest is yeah history I was yeah seeing David and yeah I used to push Natalie around in a big silver cross pram around Islington

used to take two of us though Debs to do it because yeah yeah I couldn't push the and yeah so slightly unusual relationship I guess because I've known Natalie all her life, which I guess is quite unusual for sister-in-laws because normally they're a few years apart. Yeah. No, it's lovely. You know, it's so special because people don't really get it sometimes, you know, because I say, oh, I've not got a sister,

but Linda is like not only a sister, she's a best friend. Absolutely. You know what I mean? She's everything. is like not only a sister she's a best friend absolutely you know what i mean it's she's everything we kind of i feel like we we are we're everything in our roles you know even for the children of course yeah and also for linda's children who are my nieces obviously who everyone knows now and that's nieces ellia and maria but i'm kind of auntie and nan and sort of everything and to them but then Linda's sister mum nan yeah so we sort of amalgamate together she's very special it's quite unique

yeah relationship and it is unique and we have things in common sad things in common as well as nice things in common and that's why i've invited linda on tonight because linda has lost her parents linda's an orphan i'm an orphan you lost your best friend last year so i don't want this episode i don't want people to listen to this episode and turn it off and think it's going to be you know doom and gloom but i think no people lose people right it's real life and everyone goes through grief. And I just thought it'd be interesting to explore the topic and just talk about our stories, really. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm happy to do that.

So, Debs, why don't you talk to us? Because obviously you hit, you know, you hit something in me when you said that you enjoyed listening to me. Yeah. You'd lost your best mate, so. Yeah, I've lost quite a few people I'd say over the last 10 years um but this particular one has kind of knocked me for six it's a bit like you were just talking about your relationship with Lynn you know Catherine I

grew up with Catherine from school uh went to primary school together went to secondary school together um we become much closer when she lived she moved into finchley near me she had her kids i had my kids she divorced i divorced um she was on her own with her kids i was on my kids and we just connected and it was just one of those friendships and it's quite rare i think as you get older i think you will sometimes have friends for different things possibly yeah but yeah this friendship was a 100% trustful friendship so i could go to her and know what i said to her and she wouldn't repeat it and i think that is major in a in a friendship you know know. Major, a bit like us. I need to go and talk to her.

And I know what I'd say to her would not go any further. And we both had hurdles to cross. Yeah, and she'd probably be honest with you. Yeah. Very much so. Very much so. So having her around, she's literally around the corner. So if anything was worrying me upsetting me

divorce kids whatever it was I've just got to pop down Catherine's just got to pop down Catherine's and vice versa for her she had lots of things that she needed help with so we were there for each other so boom you know out of the blue this happened last year and it's just i was just talking to my other cousin jen before i came on and we still sat there saying do you know what i can't believe it we're at that point it's only a year i just cannot bloody believe it we're still at that point then debs was it yeah she yeah in may 22 she we were eating uh out for my birthday and she just kept complaining that she had chest pains bra feels a bit tight don't feel great we just said menopause you blame everything on the menopause early 50s and she said no something's

not right with me Deb something's not right I said get down the doctors cut a long story short um she ended up with a very rare cancer that started in her bile duct so that's when she was suffering with indigestion pain and by the time she got to the doctors and got it diagnosed it was secondary in her liver right so from May 22 to May 23 she passed away so it was a year in total that she wasn't here. So it was out of the... I think the funny thing with this was I could sort of see she was scared. I knew she was scared. And that's something really difficult to...

I'm trying to be strong for her. Well, I was going to say say because you're our best friend you you want to help don't you and there's nothing you can do no it's very yeah and if you're yeah like we're control freaks aren't we we try and fix everything yeah but that's something you can't fix isn't it you can just be there to support that person and absolutely absolutely and you try to fix things but it's not you wanted to be positive we wanted to hope there was going to be some treatment but there wasn't so you could only make things as whatever she asked of me I carried out for her so it was can you help me with the kids? Can you make sure my will's sorted?

Can you say something nice at my funeral? And for all of that, we still had a laugh. We still managed to have a laugh. Because you've got to, what else can you do? And that's what's important, isn't it? You've just got to make, you've got to make the best of the time you have together. And Debs, as devastating as it is for you and I'm sure it was for her you had that opportunity some people don't even get that

opportunity do they because someone would die passes away suddenly be it a heart attack or a brain hemorrhage or whatever it may be absolutely I mean that is partly why we're doing this episode tonight because 22 years ago this week i lost my mum and mum we all went around for sunday lunch didn't we the day before uh and i was a selfish 19 year old always wanted to be with friends always wanted to be out you know didn't think of my mum was horrible to my mum at times a lot i was a bastard but you're beating hard on yourself I was and anyway Monday morning came and that was it she was gone whereas with dad who I lost three years ago I knew that was happening and that we we had the best week of our lives didn't we we really did I know that sounds crazy no I agree

but I went right dad's coming home. Dad's not well. Everyone thought I was a little bit mad. I genuinely knew in my gut. No one could give me a time of what he had and when it was going to happen. He had an aneurysm in his stomach. And they said it's a AAA aneurysm. It could happen any time. Do you remember I phoned you?

I said, Lynn, this is going to, Dad's going to die. You said, don't be, this could happen. Don't be silly. Didn't you? Yeah, you knew. You had a gut instinct. I absolutely knew. And then all the family.

Six cents. Six cents. And we had, everyone was here. Family were here. And we had a really wonderful few days together. As much as we lost dad, it will be a memory for me, which I look back on with great joy, really. I just I just

remember Natalie being with her dad and kind of helping him drift away I'll never forget that obviously you remember where you were just stroking him and saying it's okay it's nothing to frighten off you can go now we're all here you can help yeah it was actually it was an incredible thing to see and be part i agree and to and to be part of that and to actually get the chance to say goodbye yeah and that you love that person is is is precious it's precious it's a real gift so many people don't get that that chance for whatever reason that may be. Yeah. And, yeah, I think as much as we've lost people, we're very, very lucky. Lynne, if you don't mind, you know, your mum, the story that you never knew.

Yeah, I was, you know, I'm going back. Oh, crikey, it's bad that I can't even remember how many years ago it was. It was 1979, so however many years that is. I was only just turned 16 and they tried to protect us and back then not tell us I was doing the exams my brothers I had younger brothers it was just awful and yeah I feel cheated that I never knew she was actually going to die no No one said, you know, what she has is not curable. She's not going to survive it. You need to say your goodbyes. I never got that opportunity. So, yeah, I feel really that's something that's haunted me.

And even now you feel kind of cheated. Yeah, sadly, sadly. I mean, as you know, and everyone preaches, time is a healer and so on and so forth. But when you have these conversations, and obviously over the years, I too have lost so many other people, friends, family members, etc, etc. But you are always left with that feeling of why didn't I, why wasn't I given that opportunity just to say you know how much you love someone or yes just silly things even what your first pay slip was at work yeah absolutely silly things you know I was going to say as a side note my my first husband um he committed suicide and it was telling my children that and one of the most important things we went to a charity called winston's wish because my oldest was 12 and robert was eight no hold on no 18 and 12 and my youngest robert the biggest bit of key information and advice is you tell the truth yeah you don't wishy-wash any of it and obviously that comes with

love and support but you don't pretend and make something up because or what if the worst thing is if you don't tell them something they'll make something else up in their head or they'll think it's their fault so it's important like say, that I think we learn as we lose that we don't cover it up and we do make sure we tell the truth. I regret, well, I regret, it's a really hard one. So like I say, when we had that weekend for Daddy, when he got really bad, I packed mine off, the kids. So they went to friends' houses.

Yeah. Because I just wanted to protect them. Yeah. And when they came back, obviously, and I said he'd gone, they didn't get a chance to say goodbye. No. And I think it's very selfish of me to not, I was trying to protect them.

Of course you were. I didn't want the pain of them seeing what we were going through. Yeah. But if I had my chance again you would do things different they'd still they would have been with us that weekend and they would have seen that it actually it was okay because they went out and saying goodbye to granddad and they came home with an empty chair yeah yeah and i saw i regret that and i i have really spoke to him about that why i did it and all of that so that's good i think they're okay and have really spoke to them about that, why I did it and all of that. So I think they're OK. And I've spoke to them about the reason I did that and I'm sorry I did that.

And they're OK, you know. But Joni's only little. You've acknowledged it, haven't you? I have. Hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? Hindsight's a wonderful thing. But that's why these conversations are so important because, you know, other people are going to sort of take something from this dialogue. a wonderful thing but that's why these conversations are so important because without you know other

people are going to sort of take something from this dialogue yeah and it could just be a minute thing but it it could change the way they feel going forward with anything they've experienced or about to experience so it's a very difficult subject to touch on it really is but it's such an input because we're one thing is guaranteed we're all gonna die my dad used to say there's only two guarantees in life death and fucking tax for sure dad for sure it's absolutely thanks very much for that well mentioning no names yeah your brother yeah an email the other day from a friend of his saying in the subject box it said his name yeah i saying so and so is dead all right and then he said david here's a list of all the people i want you to contact me he's not ill or anything he's fighting fit

but here's a list of all the people i want you to contact when i die please you're joking no and i went today, that's charming. I'm not on that list. But I mean, this is, you know, but what a sensible thing to do. It is. I mean, some people now are having, I don't know if you've seen,

but people that know, who are terminally ill, they're having big parties. Oh, wow. They don't want a funeral after they've gone. They want it before. They're having their funeral.

Yeah. They're having fun. That's good. They good they want to be celebrated very good they want to be there yeah i get it and i just think how many funerals have you well you know you said the other day we're really extra my family you are when it comes to imagine your fucking funeral what it's gonna be like my cousin jen she's a funeral arranger and um the stories she has is unbelievable and she always says to me that you know most people now are not having these great big funerals like you said Nat they're not having this big thing they're doing stuff before they die yeah if you if you get that opportunity before you go get everyone together tell them you love them have a blast and then you're done aren't you you're done aren't you which you kind of did in a personal way for your dad. We had all my children were here.

Natalie's, you know, my brother-in-law, Natalie's other brother and his family. My girls were cooking. It was just... We had the music on. We had Frank Sinatra on. We had a really... How wonderful.

It was, yeah, it was. It was really wonderful. It really was. And then I look back to my mum and all I have is guilt. And my brothers have been very good. Tony and David are so good. They don't talk often. They ain't got many words for me.

You know what I mean? They're bloody useless at times. However, when I say I wish I was 29 when she died so I could have gone back to her, they go, no, we were 18 and 19 and we weren't with mum. We just were lucky we were older and we came back. So that's really kind of them to say. Of course.

But you do live with that. You do live with the guilt. Of course you do. None of us are perfect, are we? Get groceries delivered across the gta from real canadian superstore with pc express shop online for super prices and super savings try it today and get up to 75 in pc optimum points visit superstore.ca to get started i've got any funny stories don't i'm sorry you're not getting out of that you must have a few funny stories from your mate the funeral arranger i have i've got any funny stories. I'm sorry, you're not getting out of that. You must have a few funny stories from your mate, the funeral arranger.

I have. I've got one she said to me once. Funeral, coughing, everyone is obviously saying at the service, saying goodbye to their loved one, and coughing goes through the curtains or whatever, goodbye. Obviously, you don't see what goes on the other side. The other side, you have to check the person is the person in the coffin who says they're in the coffin. And when they got the person through the service they'd done for, let's say, Joe Bloggs, they went out the back, had a look.

And it was, let's say it was arry jones and they've gone no stop it on my on my on my mother's all right those poor those poor bastards at the other side and uh yeah on a serious note it it kicked off with all because at the end of the day my cousin said it wasn't her but she said you know it's human error and you're relying on you know everything to run so smoothly so that poor person at the back wasn't the person they had the funeral for and then another family had been in a service. And, you know, I sort of said, did you have to say anything?

Oh, don't, it's making me itch. Did you have to say anything? This is very rare, Nat. And she said we had to, the company had to. They had to because, you know, you can't just go ahead and do that. And let's just say a lot of compensation was paid. Stop it. But did they get their ashes? Eventually.

Eventually. Yeah. I mean, that's a very unusual set of tale. And obviously there are things you don't often hear. But yeah, she's given me some stories. Yeah, she's given me some stories yeah she's given me some stories yeah and thank you i'm pleased you're enjoying the pod really am very much so very much so thanks for asking me it's great you need a chat debs just call natalie she's look at her face i'm not being rude can i be, can I be honest? Let me be honest about phone calls. No.

I can count my best friends on my hand, right? Well, I haven't got my one now. Oh, don't say that. No, don't say that. Honestly, I've got lovely family. And I think the thing I was going to say is I've got loads of cousins, love them to bits. But sometimes you just can be lonely in grief.

You just sometimes think. Of course. Sorry course sorry Nat you were saying go ahead no I was going to say in terms of um phone calls I think when Linda and I phone each other so if I phone Linda at about seven o'clock in the morning yeah I'll say Lynn it's just a quick one don't I? just a quick one are you up? she goes yeah yeah yeah I've got to get in the shower in a minute I go ok she's got wet hair she's got a dry hair but I've mastered that now

if you wear your airpods whilst blow drying your hair I can still hear you we can still talk so we go from 7am until 3 minutes to quarter to 9 when she gets in the office she goes I've got to go Linda is the master, if anyone wants a phone

conversation I might give her a number out on the master talker we've had phone conversations for 3 hours, 4 hours and it does feel like 10 minutes, she can't help it we like a chat it's nice though isn't it, chin wag've just actually been talking to jen and we've we sometimes talk for

so long i can remember her nodding off and i was going hello hello are you there and she went oh for fuck's sake deb brilliant. I do it at work. I have clients ring me and then we digress and we start talking about all sorts. We'll cover every subject under the sun. And I had a colleague that used to work for me. She'd come and check my phone to see how long I'd been on the phone to this client. But you know what? Sometimes these people, perhaps they haven't spoken to anyone all day.

You know, my clients are of all different ages. Some work, some don't work, some are retired. Tell them what you do. Yeah, I was going to say. She owns an estate agent. I'm a lesson agent, yeah. So I speak to a lot of people during the course of a week. In fact, this afternoon I said I've got to have an hour off of talking

because I've got to be talking all evening as well. But yeah, I always remember a friend of mine who's now passed away. She was an only child. And when her, I can't recall if it was her mum or dad who had passed. I always remember her saying to me there was hundreds of people at the funeral we were at the wake it was all really lovely and she said I feel like nobody in this room is actually feeling like I'm feeling because I'm an only child and whilst everyone is sad you know her husband was sad that he'd lost his mother-in-law her children were sad because they'd lost their

grandparent but she said because I'm the only child and i can have all my friends here i can have everyone that loves me here but i there's no one in this room that feels quite like i do yeah yeah and i think grief that's everybody's grief is different you can't judge anyone and everyone deals with it different you know some people can be absolutely okay on the outside and you think oh you're heartless well they might go home and cry all night or it might it might hit them in three years time that grief absolutely you know absolutely yeah and some people don't want to talk about they just don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much and other people just need to talk about it yeah of course they do of course they do I think what would be nice

is and I'm going to make this point of in future is it would be nice if some people said to me and I know people at work think oh poor Debbie but I would very much love them to say to me tell me about Catherine would you like to talk about Catherine tell me something nice about Catherine because it I think some people are just uncomfortable around talking about it sometimes because they don't want to upset you but I'm at the point now where if someone said tell me something about Catherine I'd love to to do that so tell us something about katherine i'll tell you something about katherine she was hysterically funny clever um always always immaculately dressed a fashion icon we used to go shopping together and she would hold something up like that and go oh this is lovely and i'd go oh that's

bleeding horrible no no and but she'd say put it on put it on put it on and I put it on and it would look really lovely so she yeah she was just an all-round good kind soul and I think when you say that I did her eulogy and when you say that everyone's got something positive to say when someone passes away haven't they you're always going to say something nice but she was genuinely a very good kind soul so yeah I always want to keep her her memory and her her sort of legacy alive that be kind and I sat in traffic the other day going down Muswell Hill to work and I was getting so fucking frustrated and then I stopped and I thought Deb she'd give her right arm to be sitting in traffic right now so I think it brings to you just embrace life love life you've just got to be so grateful haven't you absolutely so so grateful and you're right to keep her memory alive because I always say how can I be

so alive I'm here I'm such an integral part of the family unit and my friends and work and and then all of a sudden i might not be here tomorrow and then that's it you're just forgotten about but you're not forgotten about but no one's about you you're not do you know what i mean it is right does it make you think about your own mortality it has made me think yeah it makes me think oh god how long have i got left i think but you say that um i have a one of my best friends who lives in the village has a daughter who has been dealing with cancer for over two years now uh she's she's eight i went to a wedding last weekend of a man who's 36 37 and he's got terminal cancer so i think your day's up when your day's up.

You're lucky and you're unlucky and I don't think age comes into it. And that's why I'm so for living every day and you've got to live life to the full because you don't know when it's going to be and you've just got to have a really great time and I know that some people have health

anxiety and really really worry about mortality and I understand that but I really think anxiety and really, really worry about mortality and I understand that. But I really think that you've just got to get up in the morning and go, I'm here for another day and I'm just going to have a good day. And that's why I'm so for being positive, so for just trying to see the glass half full,

no matter what situation you're in. We all have shit, we all deal with stuff. But let's just remember the good stuff, the people we've got around us, our kids. We've got roofs over our head. I know it sounds cliche, but it is true. Yeah. And in good job, you know, we love our jobs.

Well, I love my job. I know you must love. To love your job is my therapy. To go in and work with them kids, it just grounds me every day they make me laugh then you know you can what age do you teach deb at the moment i'm in i do i teach year one year two phonics and then i work very closely with the deputy head um with the sen children the old diagraphs and try yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's it. That's it. Well done, that. Well done.

Thank you. Thank you very much. She's not just a pretty fan. Yeah, no. I'm not that at all. She, you know, work grounds, your kids' grounds, you don't know. You can feel like crap when you go into work. And the minute you see them and they say these weird and wonderful things,

it just brings you back to the real world. Oh, that's lovely. But you love your job, Lynn, don't you? Love my job. You do love your job. I love people. Yeah. Yeah, love my job.

Yeah. Yeah. No, we are lucky. Yeah, we're very lucky. Very, extremely. Hang on a minute. Hello. Just quickly.

Very quickly, babe. What's that? Your present. Ah. It's your husband's face on it. Show me. Eliza's bringing me in a belated birthday present. Oh, look.

Oh, that's lovely. I love that. I don't like the fact that I'm not on it, Eliza. I couldn't find a picture of you. Well, that's not good enough. That's not good enough. Oh, wow. Oh, that's... Everyone's on you. Well, that's not good enough. That's not good enough. Oh, wow. Oh, that's...

Everyone's on it. Oh, it's lovely. That's really lovely, darling. Sort of thing. You get someone when they die. Thank you. It's like a bit of a funeral blanket. What was the film?

What was the film? That was what they did. I'm joking. It's really lovely. I love it. Take it to work. I'll put it in's really lovely. I love it. Take it to work. I'll put it in my dressing room. It's beautiful.

Thank you. You've upset Aunty Lily now. Fuming. No, you haven't. RoRo's going to be absolutely fuming. She's not on it. Tell her. Well, she's going to see the blanket

and she's going to listen to the podcast. Because we're doing a podcast. You know why? She's rushed it again. She wanted to make me a blanket. I have no pictures. There's loads of... Your mum's 40th last year?

Thousands of pictures. Anyway, I love it. I do, yeah. What's the film, Julia Roberts? It's really nice, sad. Stepmum? Yeah. She got the blanket, didn Roberts? What one? It's really nice, sad. Stepmum? Yeah.

She got the blanket, didn't she? That's what it just reminded me of. So very ironic. Very, very apt. I promise you it wasn't planned. No, it's full stage. I love it. It's beautiful. Do us a favour, Eliza.

Could you take my wine down and fill it up and put some ice in it, please? No, I'm eating my dinner. Oh, no, no, please. I'm eating. No, you've interrupted me. You can do that for me. No, but I'm eating. Babe, please.

I've got Debs here. A stranger on the phone. Come on. Debs has got wine. Auntie Lina's got wine. I've got gin and tonic. Oh, nice. Gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic. Lovely. The rosé. And it's very noisy out there now. Eliza, what are you doing? What was that music? I don't know. That's what it's like living with a 13 year old you know deb

yeah i do yeah mine are grown up now how many kids have you got deb i've got nick who's 35 he's living out in lincolnshire now with two kids got two grandchildren and robert's still at home 27 but hopefully moving out at the end of this i mean how do kids move out these days how do you live in london absolutely how do you kids oh actually mate you come to say that um yes he's going down to bristol he wants to rent down there for for a year so we'll see we'll see but it's time they move out i think there does come a time i love my kids there comes a time when it's time to go off you go yeah off you go because i want to retire when i'm 60 and get out of london so yeah but it's so hard for kids I would like

well it depends my mum and dad are fairly old they're in North London they're in Muswell Hill I don't really want to move too far away from them they're in their 80s then you've got to go straight up the A10 come near me well my I said my sister-in-law

is in Hertford, Hertford's lovely that's where Linda works That's where Linda works. That's where I am. Oh, do you? Yeah. Yeah, my sister-in-law's in Hartford. So I might go that way temporarily as a little move. And then I'd love to go up to North Norfolk Seaside eventually.

You know, God willing, you know. But that's where we'd like to be. But yeah, I mean, I went out to Dunmow at the weekend. That was very lovely. Lovely, yeah, yeah. That was my cup of tea. I thought, oh, I could live here. Yeah, because I think you get to a point in London

where you just kind of had enough. It's a busy, busy place, isn't it, London? Well, I'm from Essex Road. I'm from islington my cousin jen her auntie rose lived in essex road um there's a pub down the bottom there called or the queens yes yes well the queens and the kings are very close to each other right um she lived on a massive estate um packington and the flat step yes my auntie joyce is from packington road there you go so that's where you're from i i said to my cousin today i wonder where she's from and i said i reckon you're from sort of north london

do you ever go back matt do Do you go back? No not really To be honest Not massively No And it's changed so much From when I was little I've got some wonderful Memories down there

You know Of walking up Chapel Market With my mum And Roro Maria And my brothers And what have you But my brothers

In Winchmore Hill Obviously David and Linda Oh that's not far from me No Absolutely And my mum and dad Actually used to live in Muswell Hill. They lived in Cranmore Way.

Ah, I know Cranmore Way. Yeah, I know that very well. For about five minutes. It's a nice area. No, honestly. Why? They liked the mood, didn't they? Well, they didn't unpack, let's put it that way.

They moved in. My mum said, I absolutely hate it. They moved from St Peter Street to Cranmore Way, got the boxes in, and mum said, don't like it here. That's not for me. So that was that, and then we moved back to Dagmar Terrace, Essex Road. Oh, did they? Next to a funeral undertaker, funnily enough.

You gravitated. No, no, we did. We lived next door to Miller's. She was really good. Your mum was very good friends with... Jane.

That's it. Yeah. Yeah. So we lived next door to Miller's. Yeah, Muscle Hill's still nice. It's nice.

It's nice, Muscle Hill. It's nice, but I think I've lived there all my life and I just think, ugh, I've had enough of it. So, you know, when you retire,

out you go yeah yeah yeah lovely lovely yeah now I've got a couple of messages from a few people uh here's a little message from a lovely lady called Vicums I'm sure her name isn't Vickams, but that's her name on WhatsApp. So here's Vic. Hi, Nat. My name's Vicky, and I have been a fan of yours for ages. I'm on your, I've liked your Instagram posts for ages. I think you're so down to earth and brilliant. And obviously your podcast just made me just school of delight because I couldn't wait to actually hear what they were going to

involve and what they were going to be um and episode six and you have not disappointed from episode one I've barely laughed probably every single um episode um just hilarious I love the whole um nieces on there I love everything about your podcast because it's just down to earth and it's life and that's what I like um so I just thought I'd pop on because I saw your message about um grief and how you deal with grief um and just say I had lost my mum nearly two years ago now and yeah I'm interested actually in that episode just to find out how others do deal with grief because it's tough it's a really tough subject and it's a tough one to kind of um understand yourself I suppose but I I think that the way I've probably dealt with it is to just focus on everybody else and help everybody else and I think if I didn't have that then I don't know how I'd be coping if

I'm honest like it's that. It's a really tough one. I feel like men probably deal with grief a lot harder because they don't speak about it, and that's a whole other issue, isn't it? And another podcast. But yeah, it's interesting. I'd love to hear that podcast. I'm absolutely looking forward to that one, just to probably have a bit of a cry and a bit of a laugh

and see what others say about it. So yeah um thanks for listening speak soon stop don't stop being amazing um because you are um and absolutely love the podcast thank you very much for coming into my life oh vick thank you so so much what a lovely message and it really when i heard that it really resonated with me and you absolutely because i thought that's why we are what we are strong women we don't stop we don't stop helping people yeah but that's because of our own experiences losing a mum to lose your mum yeah it's losing part of you isn't it so you either sink or swim and my god we're swimming. Yeah. Yeah. So bless her.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, what is the other option? Yeah. What is the option? You have to carry on, don't you? You have to carry on.

But some people struggle to carry on, don't they? For those who love ones. They do struggle. Yeah. People struggle and that's fine too. That's fine too. Of course, yeah. But, you know, I can say that I'm strong now I think a lot of my

From 19 to I would say up to 30 You know I wasn't really alright I made some ridiculous decisions I did some stupid things Probably out of grief You know if you're really on it

If I put it on the table I bet you now If I laid it all out And picked my brain apart you'd go you wouldn't have done that that was really stupid that was absolutely stupid out of out of a hole you have a hole in your life don't you and you're trying to fill it with whatever you can and also i think there is so much more help now that there wasn't certainly not around in my when i was 16 which was many years ago. You know, there was no counselling being offered.

School didn't really even do much. I mean, I would say my career saved my life. Yeah. Because I just started working for Barclays. Barclays. Yeah. Whereas now there's so much, you know, even, again, just something, a podcast. Yes, yeah.

You know, people can listen to podcasts. Or read books. There's a lot of people out there. There's an a podcast. Yes, yeah. You know, people can listen to podcasts. Or read books. There's a lot of people out there. There's an amazing podcast. For anyone who's really enjoying this, and I don't care about, you know, I don't know, being the best or not helping people. For anyone who's really enjoying this and having a chat about grief and what have you, there is a weekly on grief um by comedian um carrie ad lloyd she's also got a book out but when i lost my dad i listened to grief cast a lot did you and it really really helped me so if anyone's going through that i highly recommend that pod

i always said i want to be a bereavement counselor people think that's really weird is it weird why is it not it's not weird a lot people say, why would you want to do that? Well, you say that. After when Dad passed and being with him, I thought, if I didn't do what I do, I think I could work in a hospice. I think I could help people go. So that's probably weirder. No, I don't think so.

My cousin works in a hospice and she said, because we're people's people, we want to help people. So we're helping the families, aren't we? My cousin who's a funeral ranger, she says my job is everything to me because I'm helping those families try to navigate their way through such a tough time. Can I tell you a really funny story? Right. So when my dad died, we went along to the funeral parlour. And you sit in the room, don't you? And they go through what coffee you'd like and this you'd like and what that you'd like. So I said, yeah, we're chatting away.

And they get out this brochure, right? And it's all kind of PVC plastic pictures over the coffin. So there's an Arsenal one and there's a golf one, which has got grass and just a club on it. I mean, the most tackiest things you've ever seen. Just in my eyes, right? Sorry, I'm going to put it out there. You might all have one, lovely, whatever.

But I thought, this is not for me. And I was really laughing. Me and Mark were sat there and I couldn't help it. I got the giggles. I said, oh, no, I don't think. There was one, a snooker table with all the balls, which is the lid of the coffin. Wow. Yeah.

All pictures of things. Imagine a mouse. You know, you used to get what you put your computer mouse on for the different designs. It was like that. Those sorts of designs. So anyway, by the by, we've chosen the coffin done whatever and i've gone into work for the first time uh into eastenders and i know this person won't mind me saying it i'm not going to mention names anyway i've gone in they've said how are you i said yeah all right and i had a little cry and talking and i went oh you won't believe some of

the designs on these coffins i said they had football teams and golf things i mean it's so tacky then this girl went oh yeah we had one of those for my dad oh gosh well i the ground swallowed me up well you've just probably upset some of your listeners as well i've said each to their own no each to their own it's not my bag but stand in front front of someone and say it in a very sad time but it's a story that i'll always remember because it really made me laugh at a time of utter sadness you know it's funny how you can really laugh at those times as well you know laughter is so healing so healing it's important and it's important yeah and i think sometimes it's probably at times like that it's nerves as well and you just laugh out of because you're nervous about the whole situation yeah we had i remember something similar at my

they didn't have wakes back then when after mum's funeral which was a huge event because she was a young girl blah blah blah and i remember being at home somebody i don't know someone thought they heard knocking at the door it was just something really stupid yeah yeah and everyone at home had just been sitting there really quiet miserable crying it was very depressing um we just all burst out into laughter and you know when hysterical no it was hysterical we were crying but with laughter yeah it was yeah so you know there's tears and laughter at weddings and at funerals that's so true i've got some more bits here this is a really lovely message from a lady called veronica listen to this story you like this hi nat um i love your. This is the National Trust,

you can plant a tree in aid of someone. Central Park, New York, you can plant a tree for someone. Different places around the world so that he's got like a forest in his name. Also, my dad had a natural burial, so he's planted in the woods. He was a rural man. And somebody that works there, a woodland bard, did a meditation for me and said that when my dad died, he becomes the tree, which is why I've been doing the global forest. But it's still really hard. It's just shit. So I'm thinking about you um because

you said about your dad and uh just sending lots of love i love the podcast so much and i have recommended it to all my friends good girl normally i listen to true crime or bravo real housewives podcast so yours is a really nice one thank you take care bye thank you veronica for that um and i'm sorry it's really early days for you. But what a lovely thing to do. People have got to do whatever it takes to make. Isn't that lovely? To plant trees and you think, oh, within nature, you know,

he's going to be everywhere, all around the world. Yeah, you're right. It's lovely. It's really nice. My dad's got a road sign in my dad's. That's lovely. Isn't it, your road sign? Yeah.

It's brilliant. It's a similar thing, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So my dad basically left a little plot of land and we built some houses on this plot of land and the name of the muse is after my dad's name. So kind of a similar concept.

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. Every time you drive in, you see this sign and you think of your dad. It's lovely. That's lovely. Yeah. Yeah, it's lovely. I'm sure.

I really hope we've helped. Me too. I think it's something that can go on and on. Yeah, yeah. I i really i think i'm going to get inundated with messages i think so too and i think what i'll do we will revisit when we come back we can have a chat i don't want it to be too long this one i want to make sure that it's not too bad it's we've got a bit of fun in there yeah and it doesn't have to be morbid it just it's just real yeah isn't it it is real

it's life and it's what we go through um yeah i have days with uh i have days where i'm absolutely fine and then i'll walk into the house uh sort of i'll finish work early and the hardest time for me because dad daddy live with me is if i get home from work really early say 11 o'clock in the morning because i can go to east enders and do two scenes and then be home by 11 not at the moment but that can happen and i'll walk in the house and it will just hit me because i think oh i'd go into his bit of the house because he had an annex here you know and i'd go cup of tea dad or he'd go you want a cup of tea because he had an annex here, you know, and I'd go, cup of tea, Dad?

Or he'd go, do you want a cup of tea, Squirt? And that would be, we'd have a little bit of time before I'd go and do the shopping or before I'd carry on the day. And that's my hardest, hardest time. But I still shout out sometimes, is that mad? No. Because it's... I'll go, you all right, Dad? Is that crazy?

No, I don't think it is. I'll walk in and go, you all right, Dad? No that crazy? No, I don't think it is. I'll walk in and go, you all right, Dad? No, I've done that. I do do that. Yeah, yeah, I've done that. I think it's some things, just to remind you, my one that gets me is her song, when we used to go down the townhouse at Enfield years ago,

her song was Space Cowboy by... Oh, yeah. Do you know every time that's but there's days when i can jump around in the front room dancing to it love it and there's days in the car when it just same song hits you yeah and you just yeah just it just hits you so it's it's in waves isn't it it's in waves of different emotions, yeah. And what about when your mum passed away? So Natalie's mum would always say that if she died, she would come back as a spider. Oh, yeah, no, that's mad.

So anyway, after she passed... There's a reason behind that. Let me just start the story. Daddy and mummy used to sit together and watch a telly together. Every night. They'd never go to bed on their own. That's what they would do. And I think one night a spider came along and my dad killed it.

And she said, you horrible thing. When I die. She didn't say thing. Well, no. She said, you horrible bastard. She said, when I come back. If I die, I'm going to come back on one if I die I'm going to come back on one of those

and I'm going to haunt you well she died on a Monday morning and within what two or three days yeah anyway I went to the house had a walk round

went upstairs stuck my head in their bedroom and they had an ensuite which is where she initially collapsed and I guess probably passed and so i thought let me just check the ensuite the windows closed and stuff and as i walked into the ensuite i kid you not i literally walked into the most humongous cobweb which freak and i'm not scared of spiders but this actually freaked me out because i walked into it and i thought my god she always said she'd come back as a spider it was as if the room had been

there for ages no you would have thought no one had lived there for six months but it'd only been a matter of days so yeah and then my dad moved to Lincolnshire and well he was funny but he used to say got a spider on your foot again that spider's back and he used to swear that there was this spider who used to wander along and sit by his slippers and just sit there, so now whenever I see a spider it's very very you know people have special things when people

die, people have rainbows or something, so spiders for me didn't you get a spider brooch? I had spider napkin rings from Debbie who also passed away. He was a dear friend of mine. In fact don't become my friend Deb. Any woman

any woman over the age of about 40 that I make friends with pops it. I've said that because we've had a lot in this family and I say everyone that I've warmed to or really like or really get on with and got a horrible they die yeah they die so i've got the kiss of death

well maybe if we keep together we'll be all right yeah you know maybe yeah yeah yeah do you know what thank you so much for joining me tonight honestly you're welcome you're welcome it's been a pleasure thank you for asking me thank you so much and i'm lean we'll do a lot more together about 100 stories and other bits and pieces yeah it's been lovely to meet you debbie as well i hope you're doing annually i hope i hope you're um you're you're pleased with your daughter's progress on here. Brilliant. I think the girls have smashed it. The three of you.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, soon we're going to do fashion faux pas where they go through my outfits, Lynn, and rip me apart, which will be a good one. You're going to be absolutely annihilated. I know. Very funny. Oh, it's going to be tears of laughter. Oh, you're going gonna get absolutely destroyed one thing i will say though could you just do a little bit of soft sweet talking to dominic got to get him on here please because he is very very funny and dry i think you won't have

to oh dom will be all right i love it yes so i'd like to get my nephew on next and then i think you won't have to oh dom will be all right yeah i love it yes so i'd like to get my nephew on next and then i've done all three of the children oh definitely i'm gonna play this i don't want us to cry but this was so beautiful this is from lynn who is a local celebrant hi nat this is lynn your local funeral celebrant uh i read that you were doing a podcast on grief so i thought I'd share a little verse with you that I particularly like. It was written by Vicki Harrison. Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming.

And all we can do is learn to swim. Anyway, thanks for the podcast. Love them. Bye for now. There we go. Let's have cheers to our loved ones and happy and health to everyone. Let's live life. All right, my darlings. Here's a cheers to everybody up in the sky thank you it's been an honor after yourself and i will see you very soon

darling i hope everybody listening has enjoyed this ep i know it's a little bit different to the usual uh queuing and shopping and what have you but like i said i'm going to talk about everything that goes on in real life. So I hope you've enjoyed it and I'll see you very, very soon for another rep. Maybe a bit cheerier. Don't panic. And love you loads.

Remember to please send in your voice notes for me. 07788 201919. Thank you for everything as always. And I look forward to speaking to you all again. Thanks so much and good night. Night all.

Hi, this is Chris McCausland. And this is Diane Boswell. And we've got a new podcast, haven't we, Di? We do. What's it called? Winning. Isn't? Everything.

Every week me and Diane we're going to be having a little catch up on the back of Strictly aren't we Di we are I've missed you Chris I've missed you too we're going to talk

some nonsense so why not tune in available everywhere you get your podcasts