Life.Church with Craig Groeschel - Relational Vampires, Part 2: Critical People

Episode Date: June 10, 2018

They drain your joy, eat up your time, and rain on your parade, but there’s a better way to deal with Relational Vampires than stakes, garlic, and pitchforks. Let’s learn how to love the people who suck the life out of us. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, it's great to have you with us today at all of our life churches and our open network churches. We're in a message series called Relational Vampires. What do vampires do? They suck your blood. We're talking about in this message series, how do we love people who suck the life out of us? How many of you have somebody in your life that can be a little bit difficult at times? Last week we talked about those who are controlling us. Next week we're going to talk about those who are very, very needy, who are always in need.

How do we love them appropriately? On the final week, we're going to talk about how do we minister to those who are hypocritical? Someone they call themselves a Christian and yet they don't live like Christ. What's our role? Do we have a role at all? If so, what do we do? Today, I want to deal with something that all of us will have to face at one point or another. all of us will face critical people, those who can be overly critical.

In fact, how many of you would say that you have someone in your life that has the spiritual gift of fault finding? Anybody have somebody like this? They criticize everything. If you've leaned over to the person sitting next to you and told them five things you don't like about the church already, chances are this could be talking directly to you. How do we deal with those who are overly critical? As a side note, I want to tell you that every month I release a leadership podcast.

If you haven't subscribed, I would love to invite you to subscribe and see yourselves as a leader. Just a few days ago, the release was talking about part two of how do you effectively lead through criticism? How do you lead through criticism? This will help you from a leadership perspective. Today, I want to talk about it broadly. How do we deal with those who are incredibly critical? Maybe you work for a boss, this like this. You never really hear about what you're doing

until you've done something wrong. Your boss is all up into your business. Maybe you're an adult and your parent, your mom or dad, still criticizes everything you do, the way you raise your kids, the way you spend your money, and the fact that you go to that life church, you shouldn't be, you should go to a real church, whatever it is, they criticize everything.

You know, maybe it's your spouse who's critical about the way you look, about the way you talk, about the way you walk, about how you chew gum, about how you load the dishwasher or don't, the fact that you lead your underwear on the ground, and the fact that you wear that same shirt everywhere you go, I cannot believe you would do that, and you deal with an overly critical spouse. How do we deal with appropriately and love those who are very, very critical? But I'm just curious, has anybody ever heard somebody ever criticize our church before? Has ever happened? Raise your hands out. Raise your hand it. Oh, man, you hurt my feelings.

I had no idea. The people have I had no idea. No, no, no. I mean, this is a part of it, right? Our church can be a very easy target, you know. It's the video church. Everybody knows that God can't move through video. It's too big.

It's too big, even though people are going to hell. The preacher's too demanding. It's always asking us, you know, serve. Like Jesus, he's always asking us to serve. The preacher doesn't talk enough about, insert your favorite subject. He talks way too much about, insert your least favorite subject. He uses the wrong version of the Bible. Too focused on the unchurch, the teaching

is too shallow. His clothes are too trendy, too expensive, or too tight, depending on the outfit. Worship is too long, it's too short, and I hate the organ at the end. You think I don't know what you're saying. No matter what you do, wherever you are, if you're making any kind of difference, if you're in any kind of relationship. People are going to be incredibly critical. In fact, there's a quote that's attributed to Aristotle and others. We're not sure exactly who said it. But the quote goes like this.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. Do nothing, say nothing, or be nothing. I don't want to criticize that quote, but if you do nothing, say nothing, or be nothing, someone will criticize you for being a lazy bum. In other words, if you are alive, you're going to deal with criticism. And especially if you're a follower of Jesus, you're going to be different from this world.

Your values are going to be different. And you will be criticized. You will be persecuted. If you're following Jesus, we need to learn how do we deal with criticism. Some of you, this is wrecking relationships. Your mom or dad's critical all the time. Your grandma is critical. In your marriage, you're critical.

Your boss is critical. How do we love, as Jesus followers? How do we respond to people with a critical spirit? I want to give you four thoughts today, and hopefully these will speak to you in a very powerful way. How do we respond to critical people? Number one, often you don't respond. Oftentimes you don't respond.

just because someone criticizes you does not obligate you to respond. And this can be incredibly freeing. In fact, this was Jesus's kind of line of offense. In fact, 1st Peter 2.23 says this about Jesus. Peter says when they hurled insults at Jesus, what kind of insult would they say about Jesus? They said he was a friend of sinners and this was not a compliment. They said he was a drunk.

They said he ate too much. They said he partied really hard. They said he was a lunatic that he was a false God. He was a heretic. And on and on and on and on. If they criticized Jesus who is perfect, they will criticize you. When they hurled insults at him, what did Jesus do? Peter said, he did not retaliate.

When he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. Notice he did not retaliate, he did not defend himself, he did not complain, he simply entrusted himself to his father in heaven. How do you respond to critical people? Sometimes you don't. Be free. Just because they have access to you doesn't mean that that demands a response from you. In fact, I love what Proverbs 1911 says.

Scripture says that a person's wisdom yields patience. It's to one's glory to do what? Let's all say this aloud. It's to one's glory to overlook an offense. To overlook an offense. What does that mean? Overlooking an offense is not the same thing as pretending it didn't happen. It's not the same thing.

What it means is, in fact, the word overlook comes from a couple of Hebrew words, that it means to pass over, to get over it. To overlook an offense is a form of forgiveness, but it's not forgiving something that's past tense, is choosing to forgive in real time. In other words, I know that that's really not fair, and I know that I could get angry, and I know that I could fight back,

and I know that I could retaliate, and I know that I could become defensive, I know I could let that become make my heart bitter, but I'm choosing in the moment to get above that and to overlook it and to let it go in real time. It demands glory to rise above an offense, to forgive in real time. I'm not going to wait for three months to be upset and be bitter

and get over this later on. I'm choosing right now because I'm called by God because I've got a higher purpose. I understand your heart may not, you may not know the context. I'm rising above this. This is something that Amy and I did recently. We experienced what was a very, very, very real in the moment, deep and significant hurt.

And there was a big part of me that wanted to get down in it. I wanted to defend. I wanted to strike back. I wanted to let somebody know this isn't fair. This isn't right. and everything in me wanted to do that, to defend. But sometimes you just let the Spirit of God lift you above it. You choose in real time.

I could let that in my heart. But God's got something better for me. I'm not going to let something lower take me off of a higher call. I don't know who I'm speaking to right now. But every now and then when you're so lifted by the calling of God, you just choose to overlook, to pick up, to get spiritual air above this thing. in real time. That could hurt me.

I could want to fight back, but we're getting above this. We're moving beyond it. Sometimes you don't have to respond. How do you respond to critical people? Sometimes you don't respond. The second thing is, sometimes you respond carefully.

You respond carefully. Notice I did not say you react instinctively. I said, you respond. responding is very, very different than reacting. Reacting is emotion, responding, we're going to be spirit-led. In fact, there's a powerful example of this in the Old Testament. When a guy named Gideon was taken some heat from the people who didn't like what he was doing, here's what scripture says, judges eight, one and two.

The Ephraimites asked Gideon, why have you treated us like this? why didn't you call us when you went to fight Midian? And they challenged him vigorously. Another version says they criticized him sharply. But what did he do? He didn't defend himself. He didn't fight back. He didn't say, that's not fair.

But he simply responded. And scripture says he answered them. And then he gave a very clear, very rational, very spirit-led response. He said, you guys don't understand that we worked the harvest and we create, God brought us some grapes and the grapes were good and this was intentional. And you see, the result was actually a good thing. He brought a very careful response. And when he did this, verse three says, when the men of Ephraim heard Gideon's answer,

their anger subsided. There's sometimes when a real answer or a response often kind of give a critical person an understanding that they didn't have before and you offer an explanation. In other words, at some point, you're going to do something and someone's going to criticize you. Why in the world are you going back to school?

You're going to go serve in full-time ministry? That's stupid. You ought to be in business. Why do you serve all those hours at church? I mean, why do you go up there on Wednesday night and do that? Wait, no, wait a minute. You're going to tell me that you're going to be a stay-at-home mom when you've got all that talent or the other side.

You mean tell me you're going to go to work when you should be a stay-at-home mom or whatever it is, win, right, ladies? So what are you going to do when someone does that? Sometimes you just offer context. You explain and give an explanation, and sometimes that will make sense to someone. And just like in Gideon's place when they heard, the answer, their anger subsided. What happens? Your friend unleashes on you with harsh criticism. Your coworker picks you apart. You didn't do this. You didn't do that. You didn't do this. Your parents.

they're riding you and riding you and riding you and riding you and riding you. What do you do? You wait before you respond. You wait before you respond. Because when emotions are high, wisdom is low. I think I'm preaching, Pastor Chris, a little better than people are responding. Because when emotions are high, you're not being led by the spirit. You're being driven by emotions.

What we want to do is we want to wait to respond. In other words, when you're not being led by the spirit, you're being driven by emotions. words, when you type it out, don't hit send. Right? Just wait a little while. We're not going to be driven by emotions. We're going to be led by the spirit. And then when someone's incredibly critical, I want to encourage you to remember that

oftentimes the criticism really isn't about you. Oftentimes the criticism is born out of the hurt in their own. own lives. In fact, I've found that most angry people are actually hurting people. That there's some wound, and sometimes it's something that they don't like about themselves, that manifest itself in a critical spirit about someone else. In fact, I've found that those who are very critical of me are actually often dealing with some inconsistency in their own life, and the same would be true for you. You see it and it's obvious to you, but it's not obvious to the person who is there. I just need to say this. I have never, ever met a well-adjusted, happy, productive and positive

person who constantly bangs out hateful comments on Facebook. Is that too real? I mean, can we go there? That type of ongoing anger is not born out of a mean-spirited person. It's born out of a mean, wound is born out of a hurt. I had a counselor tell me one time that behind every anger is a hurt. So we try to remember that. So when someone's shooting at it, when someone's hypercritical, when our mom just won't let up, when our dad just all up, when our spouse is just, we didn't recognize. Instead of feeling defensive, I want to have compassion. I want to try to love through the wound instead of always taking it. personally. How do we respond when people are incredibly critical? Well, sometimes we don't respond.

Sometimes we respond carefully. Occasionally, you listen and you make a change. You recognize that there's actually something that you can love from a harsh critic who points out truth or from a loving, constructive critic that really has your best interest at heart. Can I get up into your business for a minute? Sometimes the people who are being hard on you are right because you won't listen. Listen, if everyone tells you you have a problem, chances are pretty good you have a problem. If your wife who loves you tells you you're always yelling at the kid too much, you're riding them, perhaps you're yelling at the kids too much. If every one of your friends, your mom and your dad, your professor, all your sorority sisters,

tell you that you're dating the devil, Maybe you need to cast that demon out and wait for a man of God to show up and quit settling for something beneath yourself. If everybody tells you something, then maybe you have something to learn. In fact, Proverbs 15 says this. Proverbs 15 says, if you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you don't, if you always reject discipline, you only harm yourself. There are people that love you. Even I've learned a lot from critics who hate me that have actually pointed out stuff about me

that was ungodly or needed to change or simply ineffective or inappropriate. You can learn from anybody if you have a true heart to receive. I remember when I was dating Amy and I was a young preacher and she wanted to give me a suggestion but she didn't want to hurt me. She said, Craig, whenever you're preaching, she was just so nervous. She's like, there's this thing that you do and it's like, and it just makes it hard to hear. She says, all the time, no matter what you're doing, she says, you're always, she's just always, she's, I hate to say this, but it just really bothers me.

And it just, there's just something that you're doing with your hands, no matter where you are, she said, I don't know how to tell you this, but we all talk about it, and we all know that you do it. And no matter, for every time, the whole time you're talking, she said, you're carrying a box. She said it would have help us so much if you just put the box down. So what I always didn't know is, I don't have a box anymore. I don't have my preaching is set free now I have other things I have prayer hands I chop the wood and I have the flying sea I wanted to know I don't carry a box but oh man I got prayer hands and I can chop it and it's coming your way you better feel it because it's coming your way

I just totally blew all the rest of my sermons because you're there's power in it There are so many areas of my life. They're better because of constructive criticism. They're even better from people that didn't like me that pointed some things out that help me. Be a better dad, be a better husband, be a better pastor, be a better leader. If in the last year,

there haven't been two or three or four things that you've changed because you listen to constructive criticism, and guess what? You are missing opportunities for growth. Literally look back. Sometimes you listen to it, you internalize it, and you make a change. How do you respond to criticism? Well, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you respond carefully. We're not driven by emotion. We're led by the spirit. There you is. Occasionally, this is going to be hard to get through the rest of the message. Occasionally, you listen and you make a change. But number four,

You always work to guard your heart. You always work to guard your heart. Why? Because we will not be one who lives with a critical spirit. Who has the critical spirit? Satan is called the accuser of the brethren. He is the one who is the father of lies. He is the critical one who heaps shame and guilt.

And we will not allow that spirit to drive us to have a critical. spirit. In fact, Proverbs 1218 tells us this, that some people, what do they make? They make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. I don't want my words, my heart, my spirit, to be detracting, to be life-taking. I want my words, my heart to spirit, to be life-giving, to build others up, to encourage them on to godliness. The problem is, because of our sinful nature, guess what? We can be the critical ones. When we talk about dealing with critical people, so often we have no idea because critical people often don't know they're critical because they justify their own criticism because in their ignorance, they actually think

their right to tear things down. We have no idea how incredibly critical we can be born out of a sinful spirit. Can you believe the way she dresses? wearing that thing in here, acting like she loves God. Oh, all she loves it, that job she got, she's trying to show it to everybody else. Can you believe the way she's, my boss is a complete idiot. He is the dumbest guy I've ever seen.

That coach should be fired. Can you believe he made that play? I mean, I've never played a down of football in my life, but I know he shouldn't have done that. You know, if I had money, I wouldn't spend it the way they do. If I was a rich person, I'd be so much more godder than they are. They have no idea what they're doing. They have no idea how dumb they look.

She is so full of her selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie. Her whole page is selfie. Hey, hey, I'm just being honest. I'm just saying, I'm just telling it like it is, right? We have no idea how incredibly critical our own spirits can be. We're going to guard our heart against that. I can be very critical. I can be very opinionated, which sounds better, but it means it's critical.

Right? I don't know about you. Here's my areas. man, I can pick apart the way you dumb people spend your money. You shouldn't spend it all that. What are you thinking you're in debt? I pick people apart. In a leadership organization, I can come in and give you the 15 things they should do different.

Parenting, well, they shouldn't let their kids throw that fit in this place right now, on and on and on. Someone that doesn't have a work ethic, I pick them up one side and down the other. Get them a real job. Do it 10-hour day. See how that feels, Mr. led by the spirit, free-floating thing. Why can I be critical? My critical heart is always born

out of either pride, ignorance, or a hurt. That's what it is. It's pride, it's ignorance, or it's a hurt. So what do we do? What do we do to overcome a sensitive spirit to criticism. It eats me up. Listen, some of you, this is keeping you from doing what you're called to do

because you get so wrapped up into what they think. Or how do we overcome living with a critical spirit? Let me tell you how we do it. We have to become deeply grounded in who we are in Christ. We talked about it last week. Clarify your calling. This is who I'm called to do. Because I know God, this is what you're calling me.

This is who I'm supposed to. to be. I'm so confident and assured in your opinion of me, of who I am in Christ, on what I'm called to do for Christ, that criticism doesn't derail me from your... I can overlook that because I've got a higher calling. If you want to get caught in the lower things picking it apart, I've got something that's more important to do. Therefore, since I'm already approved by God, your approval or disapproval doesn't derail me from doing what God called me to do. do. And at the same time, because I know who I am in Christ, I don't have to tear somebody else down to justify myself or make me feel better. What happens? I'm not driven by praise

and I'm not derailed by criticism. If I need your praise to live, if I live by the presence of your praise, I will die by its absence. I can't be driven by what you think about me. So what I want to do is I want to get to the place in my life where very, very clearly, I'm not motivated by praise from people and I'm not derailed by their criticism. I won't let compliments go to my head and I won't let criticism go to my heart. I'm just doing what God called me to do. I don't have to tear you down to make me feel better. And if you don't like what I'm doing, if I can't learn from it, I'm going to dismiss it, and I'm going to rise above it because God has called me to overlook this offense. How do you deal with critical spirit? You're assured. I'm confident. I'm going to love you. I'm not

responding driven by the flesh. I'm responding driven by the spirit of God. This is who God called me to be. If you don't like me, we move on. Some of you, you need. You need. this to fulfill your calling. You're too wrapped up what everybody else thinks. It's idolatry. You cannot please God and be living for the approval of people. When you serve God, they're going to be people that are critical. You've got to deal with it. You got to do. The higher you rise, the more critics you're going to have. The more you do, the more people are not going to like you. It's a part of it. You want to make a difference. You've got to learn to live with it and rise above it. I'm not going to let their praise go to my head. I'm not going with their criticism.

Get in my heart. What do we need to know? Paul said this. So powerful. Romans 1410, Paul said this. He said, so why do you condemn another believer? Why pick them apart? Why tear him down? Why do you look down on another believer? Can you just sense the critical spirit going on that he's addressing? He says, remember, we're all going to stand before the judgment seat of God. He says, yes, each of us will give in a personal account to God. So what does he say to do? Let's stop condemning each. each other. Let's stop tearing each other down. Let's start, stop picking each other apart. Let's stop being nitpicky about every little thing. We're not called to be anyone else's judge. We're called to love people. There is enough negativity in this world. There's enough hatred. There's enough

angry people. I don't want to be a voice of discouragement. I want to be a voice of life. I don't want to be one who's looking for something that is wrong. I want to be one who's looking for something is right. If you want to look for something to be critical about, you can find it anywhere and everywhere. But if you want to look for good, if you want to see God working, if you want to see people growing, you can see it, you can see it, and you become what you focus on. If you focus on the negative, you will become negative spirit and you will never be used in a big way by God when your first response is to criticize everything you see. Because God did not look at the world and say this is bad, he looked at the world and he said, this is good. What I created is good.

And when it went bad, then what did he do? He sent good, pure, holy, and righteous, his son, Jesus, to redeem what is bad and to bring what was dead back to life because that's what the people of God do. When we walk into the room, light walks into the room because Jesus is the light and he dwells within us. Wherever there is darkness, the light shines into the darkness. When a Jesus follower walks into the room, what we do is we lift spirits. We encourage one another. We build each other up in the faith.

We point people to Jesus. We love, we encourage. We'll tell the truth. But when we tell the truth, we always do it in love. If somebody has something to say to us and they're critical. If we can learn from it, we do, and we change, and we recognize we have an arrive. We let iron sharpen the iron. But if it's just a distraction, a voice from the dark side, we have a higher calling, and because we're called higher, we rise above it, and we overlook the offense because God is calling us.

And we are not living for the approval of people, because we already have the approval of God. Step into it. This is who you are in Christ. and that frees you, that frees you to love people like Jesus love. All of our churches, let's pray together. Father, thank you so much for an amazing group of people open to the work and the spirit of God. We pray God that you would speak to all of us directly, all of our churches, those who would say, you know what, I deal with people that are critical.

It's hard for me. It's a challenge they're around. You may be thinking to somebody right now, maybe somebody close to you, those often. hurt the most. All of our churches, you say, God, help me love them in a godly way. Would you lift up your hands right now? Lift them up high. Lift them up high. As you keep praying today, those of you who would say, let's call it what it is. I can be critical. I can have a judgmental spirit and I want to learn to grow through that. Lift up your hands, all of our churches. Lift them up. Father, I thank you for incredibly honest people who are sensitive to what your

spirit is saying. God, I pray that we would be so grounded. in who you say we are. God, that we know who we are in Christ, forgiven, redeemed, called, sanctified. That we are your ambassadors, God, the highest ranking diplomats sit by you, God, from heaven to earth to represent you, God.

We're evangelist. We're carriers of the good news, God. Help us be so assured by that that if there is any type of criticism against us, If there's any truth in it, God, help us to learn from it. God, give us the courage to rise above it and no, we don't have to always respond. God, if there is an appropriate response that may bring a solution, give us the wisdom, not to react, God, but to respond.

God, above all else, I pray that we're always part of the solution and not a part of the problem. God, help us to guard our hearts against a critical spirit. We know that Jesus came to bring life. We know that Satan is the accuser. God, we want to be a life giver rather than a life taker. Give us eyes to see the good, God. Give us a heart to see you working. God, instead of tearing down, I pray, God, that you would use our heart, use our spirit, use our presence to build up as often as possible, pointing people to your good work, to your kingdom, to the light of this world. God, use us to be life givers, God, not life takers.

As you keep praying today at all of our different churches, I've talked a little bit about who the enemy is. There is the God of light and there is the prince of darkness. There is the kingdom of good and there is the kingdom of evil. Jesus came to give life. Satan came to kill, still and destroy. Our spiritual enemy, one of his images is the accuser. What does he do? He criticizes. He'll tell you what you're not. You'll never be good enough. You'll never measure up. God couldn't love you. You're not good. God, you're too far from God. Who is God? He sent his His son is called the good news. What is the good news?

That God loved the world so much that he became one of us in the person of his son, Jesus, who is Jesus, the sinless son of God, who is perfect in every way. Jesus was obedient even to death on the cross. He gave his life as the perfect sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins. He died and God raised him from the dead so that anyone, and this includes you, who calls on the name of Jesus would be forgiven and made completely new. The devil will tell you, God couldn't love you. You'll never be in his family.

Jesus came to break the lies of the accuser. The truth is, when you call on the name of Jesus, he'll hear your prayer. He forgives your sins, not because you're good, but because he's good, and you become a brand new person. And all of our churches, there are those of you. You recognize your need. It's time today to be set free. You're here today to experience the goodness of God.

It is not a coincidence. It is by the divine love and providence of God, and you know it. All of our churches, those who say, I need His grace. I'm sick of the lies. I'm sick of the bondage. I want his freedom. I turn to Jesus. Today, I give my life to him.

That's your prayer. Would you lift your hands high right now? Lift him up high. All of our churches say, yes, I surrender my life to Christ. Those of you at church online, you simply click right below me. And as God is doing a work in the lives of so many people, I would love it if you would do the honor of helping give life today by praying with those around you. Just everybody pray aloud. Pray Heavenly Father, I need your grace and I receive your love.

Jesus save me. Forgive all my sins. Make me brand new. Fill me with your spirit so I could walk with you. so I could serve you, so I could share your love every day of my life. My life is not my own. I give it to you. Thank you for new life.

Now you have mine. In Jesus' name I pray. Somebody worship big right now. Worship big right now. Worship God. Tell them thank you for new life. Thank you so much for joining us for this week's message. We're so honored that we get to play a part of all

what God is doing in and through your life. And to help you on your spiritual journey, we have a website called life.church slash next that has some great resources for you to grow in your relationship with Christ. Be sure to check out the Life Church app. This is a great way for you to stay connected to the church all throughout the week.

You can find that wherever you download your apps. Guys, we do all of this because we know and truly believe that whoever finds God finds life.