Life.Church with Craig Groeschel - This Is Killing Your Marriage | Love Killers: Part 2

Episode Date: May 10, 2026

You love each other. But somewhere along the way, you stopped really talking. Stopped pursuing. Stopped showing up for your relationship the way you used to. Let’s talk about how to find your way back to one another. NEXT STEPS Have you made the decision to follow Jesus? You might be wondering what’s next for you. We want to help! Check out these resources to ​​discover what saying yes to Jesus means: https://go2.lc/podcastcommittochrist ABOUT THIS MESSAGE No one walks down the aisle expecting divorce. No one says "I love you" hoping to end up as strangers. We don't plan to ruin our relationships. But small patterns repeated over time can quietly destroy the connections that matter most. In Love Killers, we'll learn to identify these patterns and replace them with ones that make love last.  7 Prayers for Couples Seeking God Together: https://finds.life.church/prayers-for-couples/ 3 Tips for Better Relationships: https://www.go2.lc/love ABOUT LIFE.CHURCH Wherever you are in life, you have a purpose. Life.Church wants to help you find your next step. Our hope is that your journey will include joining us at a Life.Church location throughout the United States or globally online at https://www.live.life.church Find locations, videos, and more info about us at https://www.life.church or download the Life.Church app at https://www.life.church/app/download FIND US ON SOCIAL MEDIA Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/life.church Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/life.church TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lifechurch YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@life.church CONNECT WITH PASTOR CRAIG GROESCHEL YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/craiggroeschel Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/craiggroeschel Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/craiggroeschel TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@craiggroeschel LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/35447748/ Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Well, last week we talked about selfishness, which we discovered is the root beneath every relationship problem. This week, we're going to talk about neglect. What happens when you stop pursuing and stop prioritizing your spouse and stop showing up? Selfishness is what starts the problem. Neglect is what eventually kills the relationship. And the principle that we're going to build upon today is this. You know it's true, but I want to drive it home, and the truth is this, that nothing you neglect gets better. You know this. You neglect your body, put anything in it, your body doesn't get better. Neglect your relationship with God. It doesn't get better. Neglect your relationship with your friends, with your children. It doesn't get better,

and the same is true with merit. It's interesting because we know this in other areas of our life. For example, you would never, let's say, skip your oil change for two years and then wonder why your engine dies. But somehow, when it comes to our relationships, we stop investing in our marriage and we wonder why it falls apart. And the principle is because of this, because whatever you stop feeding starts dying. And that's why most relationships don't die from conflict. They actually die from neglect. I illustrate this. Years ago, Amy and I lived next to some of the nicest people

that were so hard to live next to because they were the yard of the month king and queens. Some of you are those people. God bless you. You're hard to live next to. that they won the yard of the month every month. And I was just married, didn't know anything, how to care for a yard.

They had two little girls, they were probably seven and five. What's amazing is these girls are now grown and have kids with their own and they're a part of our church. And so, hello to both of you, I love you all. They came over to my house one time and they said, my dad says that you have the ugliest yard in the neighborhood. which was true, but you didn't have to call it out. And I literally didn't know.

I just, I didn't know. I didn't fertilize it. I didn't water it. I didn't even bag the grass. I just whacked it down. And what I realized is that you don't have to plant weeds in the yard for weeds to grow. And in the same way, you don't have to plan to ruin your marriage, to actually ruin your marriage. Because if you aren't intentional in your approach to your marriage, neglect will ruin it for you.

And Solomon in the Old Testament noticed this very same thing thousands of years ago. And this is what he said in Proverbs chapter 24, starting in verse 30. carefully at the wisdom in this text. He said, I went past the field of a sluggard, of a lazy person, of someone who stopped doing what they were called to do. I went past the field of a sluggard, past the vineyard of someone who had no sense. And then we're going to see three problems. First of all, thorns had come up everywhere. And then the second problem, the ground was covered with weeds, and then the stone wall was in ruin. We've got thorns, we've got weeds, and we've got a stone wall that's now in ruins.

The next part of the text says this. I applied my heart to what I observed, and I learned a lesson from what I saw. What did you say? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come on you like a thief, and scarcity like an armed man.

A little sleep, little slumber and poverty will come on you. In this kind of story or picture, we've got a field and a vineyard. The field represents what you need today. The vineyard represents what you're building for tomorrow. And when you look at this field, you see the problem very, very clearly. thorns and weeds had overtaken the field, and the wall that protected it from outside opposition was down, therefore it was vulnerable. It was crazy interesting, if you pay really attention to this story, is that the sluggard didn't destroy his vineyard. He just neglected it. It was crazy. It wasn't like big, massive, massive.

Years of neglect. It was just little things, a little bit, one day at a time. A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands, a little bit of neglect that's almost unnoticeable at first. But that's the problem about neglect. is neglect feels slow, but then the consequences feel sudden. And it may be real quiet today because some of you are there. You might say, like, we don't even know what happened.

We were close, and then life started happening, and now we're not what happened. I can tell you what happened, in many cases, is neglect happened. It happens to the best of us, just a little bit at a time. And you don't even realize it. And that's why neglect is so dangerous, because neglect doesn't feel like sin. I don't want to show you something Solomon said that will really speak to some of you, maybe move you off center as it's moved me off center. He said this in Song of Solomon, verse 2.

about the vineyard. He said, catch for us the foxes. These are the enemies that come in and eat the little blossom. Catch for us the foxes. Now, were they big foxes or were they little foxes? Catch for us the little foxes that ruin the vineyards are vineyards that are in bloom. Catch for us those little foxes that come in. Not the big lions and tigers and bears. That was pretty good. Pretty good, not bad for making sure you're with me. Not the big things, it's a little neglect. It's the little foxes.

And how did the little foxes attack? Not like this. What they did is, you better stay with me because I'm coming in a relatively good mood today and you know what happens when I'm in a good mood is I say things that I tend to regret. So just, just Lord with me today, okay? With the little foxes, they come in,

and they eat the blossoms. And if the blossoms get eaten, they never produce fruit. Watch for the little foxes. Watch for the little foxes. Now, if you're sitting there going, man, my marriage isn't so good. I wish I had a marriage like Craig and Amy.

I'm going to tell you a story to relieve you of that thought. Okay. I am not proud of this story, but it is true, and I got to own it. Amy gave birth to our first child. This is Katie. One time I told this story, and I said, Amy gave birth to our first child, and I showed a picture of Stephen.

They all look the same. This is actually Katie. I confirmed beforehand, really is, Katie. They all look the same. And right after she gave birth to Katie, I had, I was in seminary at the time, and I had a class that was on a Friday, Saturday, all day, and then the next Friday, Saturday, and if I completed this class, I would graduate that semester. If I didn't do that class, then I would have to go one more semester after four years of working full-time and school full time, I was ready to get done.

So Amy came home from the hospital with our firstborn on Friday. And guess where your pastor was not? I wasn't in a car driving her. Why? Because I was in seminary doing that I thought was a responsible thing to do. Then, Glenn, I preached that night

because I preached on Friday nights, single truth. Jesus is the single truth. And then Saturday, I was in seminary all day because I thought I was being responsible. And Sunday, where was I on Sunday? At church, because that's where pastors are. I came home, maybe about 2 o'clock on Sunday. Amy was in the kitchen, had her back to me, and I saw her doing something like this.

And when she turned around, she had a knife. And I'm not going to say she pointed it at me, but it was pointing like this. And she said something like, are you going to be my husband or do I need to find someone that will? She didn't say that, but that's what I heard, okay? That's what I heard. It was something about the knife. I'm sure it was, I'm sure it was nicer than that. It wasn't that, but that's what I heard.

That's what I felt. And here's what I want you to know is like, I love her. And I wasn't being hateful. I was being dumb. Why? Because I'm a man. And I specialize in dumb. And don't say amen all the amen.

Amen. Amen. Don't do that. The worst part is like I genuinely thought I was doing what was right, being responsible, and left my bride with her first child literally almost three days and she had to get home for the hospital herself. Wish I was married to someone like Pastor Craig. No, you don't.

because I thought I was being a good husband and I was neglecting the love of my wife and my firstborn child. And that's why remember this. Neglect isn't just doing nothing. Sometimes it's doing the wrong thing really well. Let it speak to you. Let it speak to you. God speak to me. God speak to me.

We don't do this in the series. Don't do this. Don't you elbow the person next day. you. You just look straight ahead. Let God talk to you. And so I'm going to ask you, I'm I'm asking you a couple of times, what are the little foxes that are strangling your relationships, the little things that seem harmless until they're not? The little, little bitty things. Like, you used to come home and, like, genuinely ask about their day and listen to it, but now you don't because they don't ask about yours. Or you used to say, I love you. I love you.

all the time and mean it. And now it's how you end the call occasionally. You used to put the kids in bed and then go sit down and like talk about the day, talk about your dreams, talk about what you're, maybe even pray together. Now at the end of the day, you put your kids to bed and what do you do? You stare at separate screens. And I'm going to stay here for a moment because I think this is really, really important. I am not saying that your phone is evil because it's not, but I am saying that your phone might be the most effective marriage neglect device ever invented in the history of the world. And some of you need to let God speak to you on this, is you give two hours of your night to your phone and two minutes to your spouse, and you wonder why you feel disconnected, you will

never have the marriage that God intended you to have. when you have a more intimate relationship with the device than you do with a person sitting in front of you. And listen, I'm just going to push you here. You're going to clap and go home and look at your phone all night long. Listen, your phone does not need your attention. Your spouse does. Your marriage does.

You want marriage counseling? Throw this thing out. Turn it down at night. Shut it down. Talk. There you go. $120 bucks. I just saved you. Now, maybe you're not married. What we're trying to do is we're trying to help you get the foundations. What always happens is people say, man, I wish I'd known that years ago.

And so, you know, you may not feel like you can apply it now, but you actually can because it matters. You don't neglect the most important things. Whatever you neglect doesn't tend to get better. If you are dating someone right now and you're wondering, like, am I a priority to this person? if you're wondering, there's probably a reason you're wondering. There's never an easier season in your life to be fully engaged in pursuing each other than before you're married. Because when you get married and you get kids involved in professions and houses and all that kind of stuff, it gets more complicated.

It's never easier than in that beginning stage. And so if he thinks that him playing a video game and you watching is a great date, you might need to upgrade that dude. Okay, find someone who knows how to open a car door and, like, make a reservation and pay the bill and sit there and talk to you and put out some effort. And what I want you to hear is, like, if you don't feel treasured now, the odds don't go up later. Neglect doesn't get better with a ring, okay? So, and I'm not trying to be the grumpy guy, but, because I am in a good mood, but I am trying to get this through to you.

watch for the little foxes, those things that slowly choke out your relationship. And if I haven't pushed you yet, I'm about to push you hard right now. One of the most dangerous foxes isn't something that's bad. One of the most dangerous foxes is something that's good that you love deeply, your children. Okay. There are those of you that you used to prioritize yourself genuinely serving one another, honoring one another, loving one another, cherishing one another. And then you had kids, which is a good thing and a blessing from God.

And now you've neglected your marriage and now is all about your kids. And that feels right, but it is wrong. And it's dangerous. And it's not the best way to love your kids. Experts would call this child-centered parenting. That's different than child-loving parenting. There's a difference. Child's loving is when you'll do anything for your kids.

Child-centered parenting is when you sacrifice everything, including your marriage for your kids. And culture is teaching you and programming you to design your life around your kids. And when you design your life around your kids and neglect the very core relationship created to bring a foundation to your kids, that's not loving your kids. And what happens is for some of you,

your kids get your best everything, your best energy, your best ideas, your best attention, you give the very best to your kids, and your spouse gets what's left over. And that's not going to build a godly marriage. And then what happens, you can ask some people here because they're a little bit ahead of you.

One day, 20 years later, the kids are grown, and they leave the home, and you're sitting there in the kitchen next to someone, and you've got really nothing to say, why? Because you spent 20 years centered around your kids, and you forgot to love each other. And I want you to listen.

And if you get mad at me, you are probably the one that needs to listen the closest. But you resist the most often reveals where you need to hear it the most. You didn't drift apart. What you did was you put your kids first. And I get it. Listen, we've raised six kids.

I promise you. I know it. I've been there. Some seasons, they just demand more. And they demand a lot as a parent. You got a baby. You got three kids under three. They're in diapers.

You've got a sick child. All that stuff is real. But that's a season. And a season isn't supposed to become a lifestyle. Please hear me. The greatest gift you can give your children is not a better childhood. It's a strong marriage that lasts long after the kids are grown. The best way, the best way.

And please, I'm so glad you're clapping. Don't just clap. Live it. Don't just clap, live it. The best way to love your kids is to strengthen your marriage. Watch for the little foxes. Watch for the little foxes. Now, I'm going to slow it down because what I know right now is there's some of you,

like you're dying on the inside. And I want to acknowledge that some of you, you are doing this. We talked about selfish this last week and you're not selfish. You're laying down your life. We're talking about pursuing and you are pursuing. And there are some of you, you are doing everything right. and you're not getting anywhere. I want to tell you right now that it's not your fault.

God sees you, God cares about you. There are some of you, you are doing the very best with the power of God, and you are genuinely trying to honor God. God sees you, and he knows that. I'm not talking to that. That's a vat. I'm talking to the vast majority of you.

And the vast majority of you are just letting the little foxes get in. You still want it to work, but the little foxes have just eaten away the buzz and now there's no fruit. You're just, you're just distracted. You're just busy. You're just not intimately talking. You're just drifting from each other. And so if you're sitting there going, oh, should have watched this one online, you know, hang with me, okay? if you have neglected each other, you're not alone. I mean, we've all done it for a season. Nobody gets this right. So don't bring condemnation on yourself. And if you've lost ground in your marriage, here's what you need to understand is it doesn't have to stay that way. It doesn't have to stay that way.

And so what do you do if you've lost some of the intimacy? What if you do? What if you do? if you've drifted from each other. Well, remember the wall that we talked about earlier, the stone wall that was in ruin, there was no protection left. I'll show you the verse again. I went past the field of a sluggard, the ground was covered with weeds,

and what happened? The stone wall was in ruins. The protection to keep the enemy out was now down, and the vineyard was vulnerable. In your marriage, when the walls come down, everything that wants to destroy your marriage, walks right in. Not because you opened up the gate, but because you neglected the wall. I did this with Amy. We're coming up on 35 years of marriage, and we've been ridiculously blessed with a really good

marriage. I think one of the reasons why in the early years is we always had a date night, always a date night. And when you say, like, oh, Pastor Craig, it's a date night, it's not that. It would happen. When you have six kids, if you don't prioritize time alone, you're not going to get it, period. I'm telling you, like, them six drunk squirrels, they're everywhere all the time. Okay? And so I'm not like going date night, date, no, I'm going like survival, oxygen. What's your name? My name's Craig. Oh, yeah, we're married. Okay. I'm talking about it's necessary. It's not like just, hey, you know, you know, no life survival. And it doesn't have to be a date night.

It has to be something. Your version of that. And so I don't know where we were, four or five, six kids into it. And I just thought, our marriage has been good this whole time. And so we were busier, and I thought, well, we don't need a date night this week.

And then we didn't do a date night the next week. And a few weeks went by, and things seemed fine. And we just literally one day just stopped doing the thing that had been helpful to keep. keep us intimate and close. We were at Life Group, and Amy opened up and told our life group something that was very personal and very intimate to our whole group that I didn't know about. I said, I'll show her. I told them something very intimate and personal that she didn't know about.

And the next week, we came back to Life Group again, and she told more details about that very personal and intimate thing that I didn't know about. And we started looking at it going, there's all these personal and intimate things that we haven't told each other. And it wasn't because we were hiding them. It's just we hadn't been talking intimately. And it dawned on both of us that we were in the moment sharing more with our life group than we had been sharing with each other. And Amy was the one to ask the questions because she's the one with more emotional intelligence. and she said, when did we stop talking to each other? And it dawned on me when we stopped doing date nights.

And again, I'm not saying date nights are the key. I'm saying there's whatever the key is, you've got to use that key. And here's the principle. If you don't drift because your marriage is weak, you drift because you stopped doing what made it strong. Yeah, that's good. For us, date nights, that was a wall. It kept the opposition.

out. Build the wall, whatever that is. For you, it might be just an honest conversation. I don't know, it might be the kids go to bed and you don't put Netflix on and you don't play your phone game. You just sit on couch and you just talk to each other until you say it all. It could be that you go and walks together. It could be that you're in a life group together. It could be you do a Bible study together. It could be you do a U-version thing together. It could be that you FaceTime each other from the other room and just until you get so romantic, you, you do a Bible study together. run into the room. I don't know what it is. Whatever. You know, I'm making this up. Just work with me, okay? Give me some grace. Whatever brings you. You may go look back and say, when it was going

well, what were we doing then we're not doing now? And rebuild the wall and tend the vineyard. And rebuild the wall and tend the vineyard. Old people. How many of you remember Ann Landers? Yeah, okay, a lot of old people. I do too. Yeah. So she was like a famous advice columnist back in the 1920s, and so just joking. Like in the 90s, okay. And early in our marriage, Amy and I had a quote, an Anne Leonard's quote we put on our

refrigerator. I'm going to show you a couple pictures just for fine because I told her in a good mood. On the left, this was when we were engaged and Amy filled my refrigerator. And I was so excited, I took a picture of. of it. That's amazing. That has nothing to do with the sermon, but I took it back then. I'm still thankful for it today. On the right is our refrigerator, and on it we had the Ann Landers quote, and her quote was this, neglect the rest of the world if you have to, but never neglect each other. And there we were as young kids, barely married, and that was a foundational thing for us,

neglect the rest of the world if you have to, but never neglect each other. And for us, one of the things in the second part of our marriage was walking together. If you like to go and walks in our part of town, you'll see us out three, four nights a week. And I would say this, that it's crazy, but the quality of our marriage is often a reflection of the frequency of our walks. And it's not because of walking's magic, but for us, it's just, I process better when we're side by side. and outside. Our walk is about an hour long, and it gives us time to actually talk through some things. Amy talks for the first 35 minutes or so, and then I get a chance. And then we talk through things that are really, really intimate, and we hold hands on the whole way, and we come back,

and somehow things just are a little better after we've had our walks. That's a wall for us. I don't know what it would be for you. It doesn't have to be that, but it should be something that's yours. And so if you've neglected your relationship, what I want to tell you right now, it is not too late. It's not too late. It's time to tend the vineyard

and to rebuild the wall. And again, I just want to be very pastoral because I've pushed on you a little bit, but I'm intentionally pushing because you need to hear this, the things we're saying, don't build your life around your kids. Strengthen your marriage and love your kids

as an overflow of your marriage. You've got to make some changes, and it may not be easy. And in most cases, it probably will not be easy because you didn't get to this place overnight. And so it's not likely to fix all your problems like Tuesday. So what do you do? You rebuild the wall and you keep on tending. Encourage one another. You pray for one another. You honor one another. You forgive one another. You love one another. You serve one another. You rebuild the wall and you keep on tending. I like the words of the

Apostle Paul in Galatians when he said this. He said, don't become weary and doing good. I know you're trying. I You know you're trying. Don't, don't, don't give up. Don't become weird and doing good. For you will reap, what? A harvest. The vineyard will give fair fruit if you don't give up. So, I don't know who this is for, but I do know that years from now, there will be someone who will look back on this and say, I heard from God. He spoke to us. We're different because of what he showed us. Don't give up. keep tending, keep rebuilding. Because what I do know is this, that vineyards can grow again. Even after the weeds, even after the thorns, even at the walls are down, even after the neglect.

And the reason I know this is Jesus never stopped tending, right? Think about it. Whenever you drifted, he pursued you. Whenever you stopped showing up, he never left you. When you made a mess of your life, like I made a little. mess of my life. He didn't walk away, but continued to love you. And he's the reason why neglected things can bloom again. His name is Jesus. He is the king of all kings. He is the Lord of all Lord. He is the son of the Most High God. And he is present, reigning, sitting at the right hand of God

the Father, praying for you at this very moment. And the same love that pursued you can teach you to pursue each other And the principle is clear. Nothing you neglect gets better. But what you tend, with God's help, with God's power, with God's presence, it will bloom again. So Father, we pray in the name of your risen son, Jesus, that you would prepare hearts today for relationships in the future, God. That you would work in marriages and families today to realign our lives. hearts, God, to putting you first and serving one another, laying down our lives to love each other as you've loved and served your church. At all of our churches, I'm going to speak broader than

marriage right now in any area of your life, something important that you've neglected, and you want that to be re-aligned with God's will. It could be you've neglected. God, it could be that you've neglected some friendships. It could be that you've neglected his word. It could be that you've neglected your marriage. It could be that you've neglected a child. Whatever it is, there's something important in your life, and the Holy Spirit is doing surgery on you, specifically for you. Well, this message isn't, for me, I'm not married. No, God's word is living, active, powerful, will not return void. God wants to speak to you. There's something that you've neglected, something important, and God is bringing you back into alignment today. You say, yes, God, do a work in me. Help me to prioritize what

matters to you and what is important to you, if that's you today and God's showing you some area of your life that you've neglected, would you lift up your hands right now and say, yes, pray for me. Just lift them up right now. All our churches, hey, Kansas, lift them up. Florida, lift them up. Texas, lift them up. Tennessee, lift them up. Wherever you, New York, lift them up and say yes. Online say, yes, pray for me, Craig. Pray for me. Father, I ask that in the name of your son, Jesus, that you would help us to seek you first, you first, you first, you first, you first. Your kingdom, and then God, everything else will be aligned when we put you first. Any area, God, that we've neglected that's important to you or a calling in our life,

God, bring us into alignment. We repent of our laziness. We repent of a little slumber, of a little resting. And God empower us to do what matters to you. Heal bodies, heal relationships, heal families, heal marriages, as we realign. As we realign. our hearts with what matters to you. God bless all those who need your power and your presence today. We pray. As you keep praying all of our churches, nobody looking around. There are those of you right now that if we could just sit down and talk about spiritually where you are, you say, yeah, God's not anywhere near first priority. And let me tell you right now, this is life, man. It doesn't get any busier than this month. Graduations and tournaments and Mother's Day and holidays

and this is busy as camp. And life is happening all around you and guess what? Sometimes God just gets completely squeezed down. Weeks, months, years. Sometimes you wake up and realize I'm not seeking him and I'm not serving him. Let me tell you what he's doing with you right now. He is pursuing you. He is pursuing you. He is drawing near to you. Jesus said, if I got a hundred sheep and one of them gets away, I'm leaving the 99, I'm going after the one. Some of you need to recognize right now that the presence of the Holy Spirit is coming after you because you're not in an intimate with fellowship with God, and that's what God desires. He is a patient God.

It's his will that none should perish, and he wants you thriving in a forgiven, spirit-filled relationship with him. If you're not, you're here today for this very reason. Don't neglect it a moment longer. who is Jesus, the son of God, who died on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. He was raised from the dead so that anyone, and this includes you, who calls in his name, would be forgiven, saved, changed in a moment, not because you deserve it, but because his grace is that good. What do you do?

You step away from your sin. The Bible calls it repent. I turn away from my sins. I turn towards Jesus. I give him my whole life. When you call on him, he forgives your prayers. He makes you brand new. There are those of you, you know it.

He's pursuing you. you're ready to say yes to him Jesus I give you my whole life that's your prayer lift your hands high right now all of the place but up there God bless you guys over there as well right back over there oh come on right there put your hands high and say yes Jesus right back up there others today say I'm surrendering my life to him oh praise God online just type in the comment section I'm surrendering my life to Jesus we're going to pray together wherever you are pray heavenly father everybody with me heavenly father forgive my sins Jesus saved me.

Make me new. Fill me with the power of your Holy Spirit. That I could walk in your love. That I could show your love. That my life would be new and people could see you. Thank you for new life.

I give you all of mine. In Jesus' name I pray. I need somebody celebrate today. Somebody celebrate. Give God praise. Oh!