Lifeline - 108. Mr. Ketchup

Episode Date: May 5, 2024

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hello hello hello hello uh st petersburg i'll be there soon and then i just added dates on irvine california in at the end of may but also we'll be doing Lifeline Live May 14th, so you can do that. But then I also am doing stand-up there later on. Charleston, West Virginia and Des Moines, Green Bay. And then I added Adelaide in Australia. I'll be in Australia and I got a bunch of dates coming up. Go to

chrislea.com and New Zealand. Yeah. New Zealand? Have you ever been to New Zealand before? New Zealand? No. That's sick, dude. I'm going to Auckland. I've never been. I don't know the flight. Look up flight time from Australia. New Zealand? Have you ever been to New Zealand before? New Zealand? No. That's sick, dude. Uh-uh. I'm going to Auckland. I've never been. I don't know the flight. Look up flight time from Australia to New Zealand. I mean, I know it's obviously-

I've heard New Zealand's like- It depends where you're going. I know. I know. Australia's big, but- The most beautiful place. I don't know. Uh, where, where, where, where am I before Auckland?

Wherever I'm going before Auckland. Oh, I see. So, uh, so Sydney. You're going from Sydney to Auckland. Yeah, which sounds far, actually. No. Because, yeah, because I think it's on the east right three hours oh okay nice not so bad alright so yeah so I'll go I'll be there

go to chrisley.com to get tickets and then sign up for our Patreon patreon.com slash lifeline luxury that's where it's at we've been really having a good time over there we don't take submissions we just kind of BSs we're brothers and uh and some bangers out there lately yeah and it's cinco de mayo right now right so what yep what i don't don't even i don't even want people say cinco de drinko terrible it's bad just the worst huh anthony how many times have you said

that in your life no not not only that when. When people say it around him, he laughs so hard. How many times, Anthony? Not fucking once, dude. Yeah, dude. Wow. We love you, Anthony. Chris, how about you? I've probably said it.

Oh. Well, you know he said it, but ironically, but still, it doesn't matter he said it. Yeah, I appreciate the honesty, though. He came clean. He came clean. If you got a question, click the link in the description below or go to watchl watch lifeline.com if you want one-on-one sessions with matt go to mattalee.com and go check out his podcast private record it's really great go subscribe on that youtube and you can get merch over at uh lifeline merch.com so that's what's up um and before we

started uh this we were talking about porn. Yeah, we were. We really were. But before we do that, I want to be able to continue that conversation, but get off my case, dude. Me? Yeah. What? I cut my hair. Oh, you did, huh? Yeah.

Oh, I did too, yeah. Oh, look at that. But I thought you were going to go short, though. I mean, what do you mean? You said you were going to go short though. I mean, what do you mean? You said you were going to cut it real short. I did? Did I say that? Yeah. I don't remember saying that.

Oh, okay. Well, yes, you did. And it's all good. In private with you maybe, but I don't remember saying that on the show. No, you said, I think I want to cut it short though. Maybe on private. Yeah. Okay, fine.

Anyway, I probably will eventually, but- It's way shorter. You know why I don't want to? Why? Yes, I do. Oh, why? Because people tell you to do it and you oh no that's not why what uh no nobody says cut your hair short to me i mean my does that

ship has sailed i think for people that know me like it's been long for so long it's been long for like a decade probably yeah yeah yeah um more this is so such a kind of a dumb reason but i'm i really fully like it's entrenched in my mind. The art that was done by my friend for the private record, the key art, has part of my face on it. Yeah. And I like the art so much. Wow. And in the art, obviously, my hair is long.

Right. And I don't want my face so early after dropping that podcast to be incongruous with the art of the show. That's not really a reason. I know. I mean, I'm already acknowledging that, but yeah, it's the reason.

Okay. Okay. I mean, I, I definitely understand that this, the thought behind it, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna cut,

cut it short. You don't have to. And when I do, Oh, watch out. The earth will shake. Wow. The earth will rumble.

Okay. I, you know, I, you know, it know it's i think what do you think the i think the most unattractive thing that a human person can have on their body is their neck goes from here to here and no no chin like no you know what i mean it's unfortunate it really sucks that some people have that uh it's unfortunate. Men are a little bit more fortunate because once they become adults, they can grow a beard. And that really does hide that. It does. But there's nothing more shocking than seeing a person you've known your whole life, at least in regards to them, they've had a beard. They shave it and they reveal that they have no neck.

Because what that is is having no neck. They just look like a turkey, yeah. Or no chin, I guess. No chin, I guess. A weak chin. A weak chin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A weak chin, I guess. No chin, I guess, yeah. A weak chin. A weak chin, yeah. A weak chin, yeah.

And I just was thinking about that, and sometimes I think about that. Okay. The life of a porn star is crazy, right? We can all agree on that. I'm not, no negative, I don't care. I like what I said as an addendum to that, which is that, yes,

but I think it's less crazy than it was before the advent of like OnlyFans and even like Twitter and stuff like that. Because I think people in that industry can really control their own kind of work. Yeah. Especially with like, you can do it from home with your own husband or wife. Right.

Like you get to control so much. There's no like sleazy people. Exactly. It was like, okay, you know, I'm going to go get a, I'll get a load, like 1130 AM, you get to control so much. There's no like sleazy people. I guess in the 80s. Exactly. It was like, okay, you know, going to go get a, I'll get a load. Like 1130 AM, you get a load. Okay. And then you go get lunch.

Uh-huh. And then got to get a load at 230. Uh-huh. So you're like basically like getting a load. Uh-huh. And then an hour later, you're like, oh, let me get the, I'll get the roast beef sandwich and make sure that there's i like get the sauerkraut too and then you eat it and then you're getting a load an hour and a half whoever's giving you that load an hour and a half later is not going to be happy about this sauerkraut

edition dude well you know what i'm saying it's just you know you got to be careful how about people not i'm not trying to get away from the subject but it made me think of it actors and i guess of course people who do porn as well you gotta be respectful to the person you're performing with and you gotta watch what you eat you gotta be clean yeah i've heard so many stories from actors that i know really that i've even experienced it myself and i've barely i mean i'm not an actor yeah but this one time in particular this woman i had to kiss no i don't want to i can't even say the story without i feel like i'm gonna throw up already yeah i i do too and i wasn't in there right no dude people it's so disrespectful it yeah it is it is to to think i'm gonna eat it anyway i don't care it's crazy it's crazy yeah it

really is but um yeah that is really gross for me um and i don't want that i don't care it's crazy it's crazy yeah it really is but um yeah that is really gross for me um and i don't want that i don't want that to be happening yeah um i think that uh porn you asked the question before we started which was what you said why why are is every acting in porn oh yeah why is every time anyone who does porn has to act before they start getting grinded. It's bad. Getting grinded upon. It's terrible acting.

Act better. You have a theory as to why that's the case. Okay. Because it's not bad acting. It's bad directing most of the time. So you think

that if a good director a la, let's say, me was on a porn set, Johnny Sins or whatever, would suddenly be like Robert De Niro? Well, that's going far, but that's far. But yes, I think they'd be way better. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I agree directors make a huge difference, but you think that big of a difference? Yeah, I do. I think that if Soderbergh or Lynch or, you know, yeah, you- Or D'Elia, yeah. If you made Backdoor Sluts in the Backyard 5, that you would, it would be like, oh, why is this one good?

Here's my theory, is that if you made people think, why is this one good? Yeah. The fear is- Right. It would be distracting. Yeah, it will be. But also here's- But wouldn't that be a fear is right he would be distracting yeah it will be but also here wouldn't that be a good thing people would be like at least pass it around

like there is a lot like that though but but it's not good no no it's not good it's not good at at the the uh the bracket factor it's not good at the bone dog factor well no we don't get it right what it is is is the production value is high the image is very sleek. It's clearly not that cheap, but it's still terrible acting. Yeah. Terrible, obviously, writing, if you can even call it that. Yeah, but look. Think about David Lynch doing a porn. It wouldn't be bad.

It wouldn't be bad. The bad acting would be part of it. It would be good acting. You know what I mean? But I think that it's like people... Hear me out. People basically now watch porn just for the bracket guy and the sex yes right which is how it should be right of course but there are scenes in movies that have existed in

the past the only reason i know this is true is because i've seen them like real movies okay basic instinct is a good example where like the scene itself yeah is another layer of titillation and it's like it's a sexy thing that's going on. Oh, yeah, right. So like, if you could get that going in a porn as well, plus the sex, then like, where's that at? You're thinking like a woman though, not a dumb guy, you know? Like a dumb guy, it's mostly men who are just like, aw.

I know. And that's as a baseline that works. What I'm saying is, couldn't it be even better? No. Like if the atmosphere was like, boy, yo, yo, yo, yoing? No. Why no? Because guys don't want to do that.

They don't want to think about it. They just want to be like, oh, yeah. They don't want to think about it. I'm not saying let Neil deGrasse Tyson write it. There's nothing to think about. It's just a well-done, sexy scene. No. No.

No. They don't... Because then you'd have to involve storyline. You'd have to invite... Involve other... Yeah, no, it wouldn't work. Somebody should do it. And they'll get rich off of it.

Somebody has done it. Well, show me... Show me one of these porns that is like this. Anyone watching, comment... Backdoor sluts in the backyard part two. Like, where's one actual porn porno film as they used to be called whatever that is like well done a piece and like actually sexy all right well whatever i don't know but i'm just saying that i think that it's because of the directing nine

times out of ten i mean i disagree i think it it's everything. But maybe if Soderbergh directed a porn, then it would be like out of control good acting. What's the fucking show I just watched? What's his show? It's not good acting. You can get a good performance kind of from anybody, you know, if you just do it right. But what was the thing I was just watching? I watched the whole show and one guy was like everybody was so good in it and one guy i realized halfway through the the show i'm like dude he's actually not good it's just the director

knows what he's doing and you don't know what it was and if that you put that guy in another show he would have been like oh the director didn't know what you're doing everyone be acting back he'd be acting back be like these actors suck i'm telling you man but we don't know what he was doing, everyone would be acting back. He'd be acting back and be like, these actors suck. I'm telling you, man. But we don't know what it was. I'll remember, though. All right, well, let's go into a thing. But I think that's my theory. Okay. Hey, Chris and Matt, big fan of the podcast. Thank you.

If you should come to Omaha sometime, I'd love to see you live. You want to kick your ass sometime. But I'll hop right into it. So when my wife and I go to dinner, usually I just house my food. But normally she brings home leftovers puts them in the fridge a day or two will go by and that's my rule if it's been two days it's fair game so i eat them and then she's like what the hell you ate my leftovers i'm like yeah baby that's the game same thing if i leave if i leave it in there for two days you can eat it

that you know like chris says charge it to the game yeah but on the flip side of that, if she has leftovers and I don't touch them, I'm like, you know what, last time she got mad, I'm not going to touch them. They sit in there for three, four days, and then she ends up throwing them away. And she says to me, well, I thought you were going to eat these. Yeah, I wanted to. Now I'm pissed because it's getting thrown away. I wanted to eat them. Yeah, you should have eaten them.

So my question is, do you guys have any unwritten rules about leftovers in the fridge or just food in the fridge in general? If you eat someone else's or they eat yours? Yeah. On a more serious note, Chris, I've listened to some of your podcasts kind of talking and joking about your OCD. I have OCD too. And you were actually a huge catalyst in me going back to therapy and getting medication for it. And it's one of the best things I've ever done. Oh, cool. So from the bottom of my heart, thank medication for it. And it's one of the best things I've ever done. Oh, cool.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for that. You deserve some credit. Matt, you're my best friend. Thanks, guys. That's true. Nice guy. Yeah, that's good you're on medication. He's got great lips, this guy.

Okay, well, you know, he's got a good voice. Great mouth. Got a good voice. Don't say you have a great mouth to a guy. Yeah, I know. It's just weird. I'm comfortable. I can tell other stuff, too, like your eyes and everything.

Dude, I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I can recognize a guy with a great mouth. All does. Yeah, I know. It's just weird. I'm comfortable. I compliment other stuff too, like your eyes and everything and your mouth. Dude, I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I can recognize a guy with a great mouth. All right. All right? Well, I'm just... Sure. He doesn't have a bad mouth.

Beautiful lips. That's different. Saying if you have nice lips is different than, bro, you got a good mouth. At first I said lips, yeah. Okay. So we'll stick with that.

That makes you more comfortable. What are we working with in the mouth area? So, yeah. I think the rule is that makes you more comfortable what we're working with in the mouth area uh so uh yeah i i i think the rule is if you live with someone or whatever if you're if it's your house or apartment and anything in the fridge is fair game i don't i don't like especially if it's something you brought back and you ate half of it already if you live in a home with a significant other even if you're not married but especially if you're married there's a refrigerator it is immediately

and automatically communal it is for everyone i once i i'll never forget i think about this a lot dude oh boy i started dating this girl and i was crazy, crazy into her. It was one of those very few relationships you have where you immediately fall in love with the person. That's what it is mostly when chicks are with me. It's reciprocal. It's amazing. Everything's good. The first thing that went sideways was such a shock to me that it made me question almost everything that had happened before that.

But it was such a simple thing. She said, she was like clearly a little upset and I was like, what's the matter? Like, what's going on? Like, you're never really in this kind of mood, at least in so far as we've been dating up to this point. And she was like, well, you know, I just like, every time I go to grab like a bottle of water, there's like less and less water up there. And like, you know, I feel like you're drinking a lot of the water I buy. And I was like, we're having this amazing thing go on between us. And we haven't even argued even once. And you're willing to let this be the first one?

Like, you have to make a choice at that stage in your relationship. Like, is this the first argument worth getting into? Or am I going to wait for something that's actually worth it? How long had you been dating? This was like maybe eight weeks to two months, something like that. Were you living together? No, not yet. Isn't that so weird?

Yeah. I was just so bummed, dude. That's weird. Also, the worst part was like, I could buy a case of water. You could drink the whole thing today. And I wouldn't give a shit. I'd be like, why are you so thirsty?

But that's it. Yeah, same. I mean, people are- People are so weird about this kind of shit. I guess. Nothing's yours, nothing's mine if we're in love and under the same roof, period. If it's another- If it's your roommate, of okay i get it you know you go bro you ate my

you know yeah dude come on dude my fucking hot tamales i wanted to eat the tamale and you ate it i only ate one for lunch i was saving it for later bro yeah that's a conversation yeah of course but if my wife was like if i'm like babe where's the rest of the pasta and she's like i ate it at most i'd be like oh fuck i wanted to eat that i wanted to eat it yeah exactly yeah my eyes my heart set on it you know but good but then i go oh good i'm glad i got eaten because you know how much shit's in the fridge always i dude there's stuff in my fridge that's probably been in there since the person who lived in there before disgusting not absolutely nine years old nine years old but but it's like uh nine-year-olds don't have houses but i um or fridges but i i don't yeah i i that's really odd well you got to have a rule then you got to have the that's what

i was gonna say he said are there any unwritten rules who gives a shit make them written rules and share that with your wife and agree to them and then live forward your lives in happiness. It's Shakespeare. Live forward your lives in happiness. Yeah. It's not yet. Make the rule and then adhere to it because that's just... And honestly, even if the rule is, you know, you can eat my shit, but if you don't want me to eat your shit, okay, I won't.

Or if it's two days. Yeah, just whatever the rule is put it down maybe don't eat it the first day but the second day i'm gonna eat it get the law on the books yeah agree to it yeah and never think about it again yep you're welcome okay got great lips no yeah that's better than nice mouth nice mouth okay oh dude oh no oh dude does this ever happen to you every once in a while i can't believe this happened on camera like two times a year maybe what i get this crazy sharp pain in my eye no ah kermit kermit ouch dude dude i'm so strong though my pain tolerance is so high 10 it's not no it's in his head at 10 a 10 is hot bad what's what's the pain. A 10, it's not, no, it's in his head. A 10, a 10 is bad. What's the pain?

What pain level is it? The moment it happens, like a seven, which is significant. Yeah, and then it subsides a little bit. Yeah, right away, yeah. But the, oh man. That happens twice a year? You know when you have pain and there's the pain, there's the moment of the pain,

and then there's like the ringing of the pain that just like slowly dissipates? Yep, welcome to my life. Now it's completely gone, but it's so sensitive. Ah! Kermit. Dude, I- Luckily, though, I'm powerful.

We didn't need to stop the show. Right. You're powerful. I'm not powerful, and I'll tell you why. Okay. I went to Stagecoach, and I was there for three days, and just, you know um I had a whole episode about it on my congratulations podcast about all the adventures we had but um it is I I'm 44 and and and and I'm like it I walked around a lot like we did six plus miles a day walking yeah you walk around

like crazy in those things yeah you park and then you got to walk fucking. You're not at the thing yet even. Even though you parked. Right? Right. That was the loudest opening of a can I've ever heard in my life. And so. You saw the effort I put into trying.

No, no, no. I know. I know. That's why it's. But it was just crazy loud. Yeah. And also it doesn't matter even if you did it on mic because it would have been one, not even a second.

So anyway. Right, right, right. Yeah. Not like that, like you are. But. Oh, it's deeper. You would be like, oh, a second. So anyway. Right, right, right. Yeah, not like that, like you are. Oh, it's deeper. You would be like, oh, good way. You know?

Ah, deeper. But now let me just talk about this, because I, at the end of the first day, my body, it's broken. Oh, really? It's broken. So you work out a lot, though. Do you not do any running or anything? I do. Oh. That's the thing i don't get that is weird then yeah is that i i if

i wasn't working out what the fuck i would i think i would die here's my question it could be related to something else like did you was it really hot no it's pretty hot did you drink a lot of water enough water okay because dehydration will make that yeah for sure i just by the end of the third day i'm driving home and i'm like guys it's not worth doing stuff like this huh well now when you're 44 yeah yeah and kristen was like no it is and i'm like i feel terrible and she was like yeah but you know it goes that goes away and i'm like yeah but i guess like i'll have the memories of it so that's good yeah that's the why you do things yeah so maybe it's worth it it's worth it i mean i had a good time it's up to you yeah then it was

yeah yeah but my back feels fine now but i was gonna ask yeah how many and how many days removed of it but you know like you leave a concert or whatever the fuck you leave like disneyland and it's just like an hour and a half of in your head you know oh yeah like yeah you're you're like am i really still me you know you're just thinking all this crazy shit yeah i just like at that moment i'm like i'm never ever gonna be around more than four people ever again yeah that's me on the way home from vegas no matter how long yeah exactly so so my whole thing is like i actually asked kristen i'm like dude am i maybe i'm just a large pussy it's part of it

but it really hurts bro oh you mean you're in pain yeah then yeah i guess you are a large pussy it's part of it but it really hurts bro oh you mean you're in pain yeah then yeah i guess you are a large pussy but but it's like so other people are feeling that pain and just like fuck it dude i'll tell you what that's too hard often yeah yeah that's too hard yeah but but you're doing it oh the only difference is you're complaining about it you're not not doing it so that doesn't make you a large pussy it just means you're like i don't know all right like a complainer all right you're not a large pussy you're like a complaining bitch i want to know if everyone hurts that much after what doing stuff i think maybe not everyone but most people i think it's safe to say. What the fuck, God? Over 40, let's say.

Dude, what the heck, God? You know? First time you ever pled to God was about this. But it's like, that's not fair. We're people. We need to be walking around. Chris, were you wearing cowboy boots? Yeah.

Oh, there you go. That's why. Good question, Anthony. I was wearing boots. Not cowboy boots, but boots. And I don't normally wear boots and i have a blister the size oh dude but yeah yeah that's he cracked the case all right yeah maybe good job anthony blister that's crazy dude he has a blister that is as big as my face you

saw right well i mean i'm not guessing yeah you sent literally out completely without context just dropped a pic into the lifeline text chat that is so close up of his blister you have to look at it for at least five to ten seconds to realize that it's even a foot with a blister on it looks like a mouth nice mouth it just looks like a planet dude all right next one all right hi chris hi matt got a good question for you i think so i just started dating this woman Hey, she's there There is the woman

And we've been together for about three months She's Canadian And the other night I showed her the Jacques Lacassance video Chris, I know that you know it of course And Matt, you must have seen it as well I would imagine that Chris has probably Showed you many times And luckily she did find it funny. But it had me thinking like, if she didn't find it funny, like, is that enough to cut her loose?

them and i think everyone does of like those videos or those inside jokes that are just like almost a part of you that yeah if other people don't find funny i don't know if you can have them around so that's my question thanks guys that's a good question so does she and so do they back there what the fuck is this what the fuck more people got in yeah i'll tell you right now that guy has leads a double life he has at least two families across North America. One in Canada, one in America. And he's just like, never has even an inkling

of guilt about it. Yeah. Doesn't even think about the other family when he's with one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And has zero free time.

Never, ever, ever relaxes, but doesn't care. He's like, I don't know what is relaxing. Right. I'm busy. All right. So,

yeah, I don't, ever, ever relaxes, but doesn't care. He's like, I don't know what is relaxing. Right. I'm busy. All right. So, yeah, I don't, I, there are a few things. Look, I think that it, I don't think you can write someone off for that. If you show them something, they're like, I don't get it because they might just be in a weird mood. But if something happens, if it's a thing, a pattern or like two or three or four times where you're like, what the fuck? This she doesn't think it's funny he doesn't think it's funny then that's something that you can think about i don't know if ending your relationship is something that you need to do because also you could like be like look the reason why we both think stuff is funny is because together we grew up yeah and i'm like this is funny and you're like and you look at it and then you start thinking it's funny or you do or vice versa you do it to me and then i'm like oh yeah you like that kind of stuff oh, and you look at it and then you start thinking it's funny or vice versa. You do it to me.

And then I'm like, oh yeah, you like that kind of stuff. Oh yeah, I guess that is funny. You know? So you got, it's kind of about opening people's eyes to it too. It's also the longer you are able to spend, the longer you're with someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my brother and I have a very similar sense of humor because so many as kids, so many of our experiences were the same experience.

We saw things from a similar point of view for years and years and years and years as because so many as kids, so many of our experiences were the same experience. We saw things from a similar point of view for years and years and years and years as like the foundation of our life. That becomes true the longer you date someone. So if you just meet someone and you're hitting it off amazing and you show them something you think is really funny

and they're not as into it as, it's one thing if they don't laugh that much. It's another thing if they're like, why do you think this is funny? If they're like, why do you think this is funny? If they're like, why do you think this is funny? Then sure, like that's a bigger sort of red flag or thing to flag, but yeah, you know. Dude, that video though is,

if somebody thinks the chocolate croissants video is funny, then I know that we're going to get along with humor but if if if you don't think that that video is funny watch my breakdown video of it and and i think you'll understand if you don't understand like i see a lot of people say like about that video like wow i didn't even think this video would be funny but i see the way chris broke it down this is fucking hilarious uh-huh if after you see my breakdown video of it and don't think it's funny i i don't know what we have nothing we have nothing for each other breakdown video you know yeah like it's uh i broke down the funniest video on the internet which is the chocolate croissants video you think that's the funniest video you've ever seen on the internet it's up there yeah it's funny yeah i i yes actually yes i i never laughed there's one video that i might have laughed

harder at but i think that that the chocolate croissant video is this video i've laughed the absolute yeah i think chocolate croissant dude i laughed going to sleep and then woke up laughing so crazy i woke up in the bed laughing i i actually did like i i'm like and the bed shaking i'm like i wonder if kristen could feel it wow dude i i found that so funny yeah and i just dude i just i gotta meet that guy oh i'm sure he's not well you only get one guy. Well, I'm sure he's- Well, I'm talking to Chris Knight. Well, I only get one. All right, all right. I'm sure he'd be- What the fuck's up with the lights just coming in like that?

It's unbelievable, dude. Yeah. All right. I'd say let's watch it, but you already got the breakdown video. Hey, Matt and Chris. Sierra from Denver here. Love you guys. Thank you for existing.

The show always brings a smile to my face. I need some advice. I am a house cleaner, and I have a client who I have already been undercharging. However, I like to help people and I have been okay with that. So yesterday I went and cleaned for this gentleman and I'm supposed to go for three hours every time and I finished everything 10 minutes early. That being said, when he paid me, he deducted off the 10 minutes that I didn't stay, despite everything being completed and his home being clean and organized.

Am I being dramatic for being a little upset that he didn't have to deduct that? No, my God. Or was it right because I'm supposed to stay for three hours, not- No. Leaving 10 minutes early? No. Dude, what a dick fuck. That is so nuts.

That's- Who would even realize? I wouldn't even realize. That's true. That's a good point. I'd be like, oh, my place is clean. Amazing. What a...

I mean, just think about being that way. Yeah. How the misery that guy wakes up with in his heart, you know? Could you... Just fucking literally actually pinching pennies, dude. I bet there's way more people like that than we realize too yeah that's fine but but what are we talking about no bucks like what are we talking about well no the the job got done i know well that's it when i say answer of course i agree with that

but i'm saying how much is he even saving by doing that well that's relative though to somebody the job got done period of course you know what i'm saying like and you pay what you pay you know it's not an hourly gig well it's yeah once you've established what you pay someone yeah it doesn't matter if they take two or four hours yeah right then what you pay them it's yeah so under that under his logic dude under his logic what if she was like well it's really extra dirty today i'm gonna take five hours would she get paid fucking time and a half of that shit like very good point according to him that would be the case but yeah that's that's obviously not what he would pay how about this what if it takes three hours and four minutes exactly does she get another 10 minutes worth

because of a fucking or or or because if not so then you have to be finished exactly on the three hour mark which is a ludicrous that's crazy no this is this guy is completely wrong you're already undercharging him yeah exactly saying like that's the worst part are you well he may not know that but maybe yeah but but you got to say hey listen the job is the job you pay for the job you don't pay for the time it takes it happens to take three hours because you have this big of a house right and that's as much as this cause if i finish it two hours and finish four hours you still get paid the same dude if my maid finishes yeah earlier than she usually does i'm happier my first exactly yeah my thought is great yeah peace and fucking quiet earlier than i

expected it yes yes i'd pay extra to make it go quicker my thought isn't oh all right yeah i give her fucking four bucks less how much i saved yeah yeah exactly first what are you looking at what you're looking at me like that i just glanced at your shirt like this i just glanced at your shirt without moving my face what about it i was just looking at your shirt instead of your face for what about it though what about what what about my shirt caught your eye i don't know i was looking at the horse face, I guess. There's a horse face on it? Yeah, it's right there, dude. Yeah. I was looking at it, and it caught my eye because it's artistically cool. Ah, so now we get to the nitty gritty.

You would appreciate- That's not nitty gritty. You would- Oh, dude, come on. You appreciate my question. Yes, I understand. I appreciate the question, but we didn't get to the nitty gritty of anything. We got to the nuts and bolts.

We didn't. The nooks and crannies. I looked at your shirt. I looked at the horse face. You should have been like, this is what would have happened. Why did you look at my shirt? I just happened to look at the horse face. Oh.

Why didn't you say that first then? Because you said something that made me think like, what are you getting at here? You were like, oh. Like you thought I was asking like, what's the problem? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you did it.

You did it that way. Okay. Well, I was just kind of like, I wanted to know. Why? Because I caught your eye catching the horse face. Okay. And then I thought, well, is there something on my shirt? Okay.

Is there a hole in it somewhere? Like, is he just admiring it? I was admiring it. Thank you. Great. That's great. That's what I wanted to know. This is the way we interact all the time.

So that's good. I think that, yeah, okay. She's the most, nobody has ever been, as a caller submission on this show, nobody's ever been more in the right- I would agree. To be like- I would agree. Perplexed. That's what someone did.

I would agree. That's- That's crazy. If you act like that in the world, stop. No one likes you. No one likes you if you act like that. I mean, maybe he's like straight up autistic or something, which in case.

Sure. But even if. Well, you see. Dude, if that's the case, all the more reason to bring it up with him. Right. True. Very good.

I have a couple of autistic friends that are like, if I do something that's X the more reason to bring it up with them. Right, true. Very good, yeah. I have a couple of autistic friends that are like, if I do something that's X, Y, or Z, please tell me. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. Okay. They're not doing it on purpose anyway. Right, right.

All right. Hi, Chris and Matt. Hi. I love watching your podcast. Chris, we saw you in Salt Lake City. You were on fire. We hope you come again. I think she's more than one person.

My question for you guys today is about one of my closest girlfriends who is an incredible human being and a wonderful loyal friend. Human being. But makes absolutely terrible decisions when it comes to men. Uh-huh. I'm familiar with this. She's all in immediately up front. Uh-huh. And she sacrifices everything to give everything to this relationship.

Yeah. And then it's usually with emotionally unavailable men and so she has just started dating someone i've been reluctant to even talk to her about it because i have a feeling it's the same repeat situation so the update is is that she is engaged he has officially proposed she's wearing a ring She just bought a house with her money and has consolidated her assets and has a wedding date set and asked me to be the maid of honor. Do I blindly support her happiness or do I share with her what I'm concerned about? Help me. Well said. But hold on. It's not either or. do both you can say you're my best friend of course

i'll be your maid of honor but i have real concerns about your relationship and i would like you to let her live or do i kill her um it's not one or the other necessarily yeah but hold on she's basing it off of her history she didn't necessarily say this guy i think right what i heard was it was implied yeah that it's also that guy okay but maybe you're right actually i don't i but i i can't imagine her calling in if he's an exception right right right yeah but i guess i i guess i was wondering how long they've been together but but i guess it doesn't matter yeah no yeah but um yeah i i think i don't know people are just going to do what they're going to do when it comes to

love but which is why i think you should be her maid of honor you can't be like no you gotta be a maid of honor you gotta be a maid of honor but you say like i you know i know your track record it's kind of and i see maybe that this could be happening and i just as your friend wanted to say this love to be your maid of honor of course but also i hope you're not doing the thing that you know yeah yeah and i love and i love you dude yeah and i love you so anyway here we go done to be your maid of honor, of course, but also I hope you're not doing the thing that, you know, where your parents are going to do it. And I love you, dude. And I love you. So anyway, here we go. Do it right before the wedding.

No, do it when they say, does anybody, whatever. Do people even actually say that at weddings? Do officiators actually say that? Speak now or forever hold your peace, that whole bit? Is that even real? Do they say that at yours? I don't know.

I know they say it though. Backtracking is so hard. I know they say it. Really? They're different. I think it's a... Oh yeah, is it a Catholic thing? I don't know.

It is a Catholic thing. Because I saw it once on a video and the whole thing, the reason why it was a video was because... Someone did? No, because the lights went out. Wait, what? It was like on America's Funniest Home Videos or something.

Oh, speak now or forever hold your peace in the lights. Wow, that's funny. What a sign. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, so that was obviously God. God spoke. Or GE.

God spoke now. Yep. And forever held his peace. Yep. So there you go. I forever hold my peace, you know what I'm saying? Nope. I think I know what you're talking about, but no. Alright, next one.

I've seen him. Hello, Christopher and Matthew. I sent in a submission a couple weeks ago while I was having a poop. Oh yeah, right. Thank you. You guys both told me to say shit instead. Anyways, I have a new one for you today,

and it's more of am I the asshole? Because once this happened, I wasn't sure if I was just being a prick or not, but it just happened. Literally, I'm driving away right now from it. Oh, geez, great. I was rolling through the Timmy's this morning over here in Canada,

and I ordered a chipotle wrap without chipotle because uh it's gross and i said put ketchup instead so that's even more gross what when i rolled up to the window they said oh they gave me my coffee oh you're right we made it with chipotle oh no and then she goes do you want us to make a new one that's how she worded it do you want us to make a new one and i was like why instantly i'm thinking in my head if i say yes i'm an asshole and if i go no it's fine you know she put she put the weight on me do you want us to make a new one are you gonna be a prick that's yeah anyways yes but i wouldn't even think i was like yeah i was like oh yeah i don't want chip, yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, I don't want Chipotle.

Yeah. And she was like, okay. And kissed her teeth at me. No, that's different. No. Because she screwed up or they screwed up. Yeah. And then it comes back like two seconds later and it was right. My theory is she has two options.

One is give me the wrap with the Chipotle and don't say anything. And I'll drive away mad. Yes. And probably eat it anyways because it's fat you know or um just make if she sees it's wrong then just go back and be like no you wanted it without chipotle and make it right and they give it to me those are the only options but to ask me if i want my wrap the way i ordered it dead on he's completely right yeah dead on someone also i don't i don't we didn't say don't say poop. We said don't say poo.

Yeah, exactly. But dead on. You're dead on, dude. Yeah. That is such a bullshit thing to do. Yeah. You really want us to do the thing you asked for? Yeah, I asked for it.

What do you mean? Nothing changed? I wouldn't even think about, and I always think about the different situations. I would be like, oh, well, I'm not. And that's what I asked for. So yeah, no, yeah no yeah definitely you want me to redo it oh yeah i don't eat chipotle or what if you're allergic to it i don't know i know no i don't eat that shit yeah and you know what as a matter of fact give me that one too now i want a free one right yeah i'm gonna give you the one that you're gonna throw away throw up later so much uh what is he talking

about though chipotle ketchup what where was he i think tim hortons from timmy's tim horton oh dude if you're canadian and you say tim is you and you're talking to somebody who's not from canada you absolutely have to specify you do yeah i knew you weren't going to know what the fuck it was and that's nothing because i've been to canada so much dude i'm mr canada there are tim hortons literally everywhere yeah but i go in canada yeah but but yeah i but i know that and i have gone there and i have seen way more tim hortons than you okay i mean i believe you you know i would you can have even close you can have that one how many tim hortons you think you've seen a dozen that's it

the worst thing to gloat about you know ask me how many think you've seen hundreds hundreds of timmy timmy's no doubt all right well then hundreds of timmy's you got me beat man hundreds of timmy's all right get mr ketchup off the screen so you think you think a clue so you think it was mr ketchup with the chipotle in the drive-thru um so do you think that uh wow oh marco so satisfied with that joke what do you do what do you do the way he just go in the drive-thru nailed it nailed it he literally just goes like this the drive-thru really brought it home yep he got the location too like he went like that he did it right so do you think that uh wow oh marco so satisfied with that joke you know and so it was mr ketchup with the chipotle in the drive-thru that brought that his reaction to that was so

funny was he on camera yeah okay okay we gotta put it up there um so uh wow just satisfaction just not even laughing just well and i'll give it then satisfaction so that's the best joke yes i understand i understand you know okay you cut me off before i said the thing but yeah i understood so uh yeah if you get chipotle burrito from by the way i don't how come every place now is just gonna be every place yeah i agree you know it's like remember when dunkin donuts you go you get only donuts yeah it was great at mcdonald's you could get a cheeseburger yeah starbucks was coffee now you can go get a cheeseburger at starbucks like it's just fucked up yes yes yes yes every place is every place every place is is every place with the risk of sounding like a lauren hill lyric every place

is every place uh pretty much yeah why is it like that what what what is that money what's crazy is that the more specialized i'll give you a hundred reasons why they do that uh like the more specialized a place is the more likely it is to be good and i think everybody kind of knows that the more you do just one the more you increasing like the letter the less things you make the more likely those just one, the more you increasing, like the letter, the less things you make, the more likely those things are to be good. Eddie Murphy is hilarious. He sang party all the time.

That wasn't a big hit. You know what I mean? Okay. Don't do singing. Just do the thing. Oh, I had no, I no clue where you were going with that.

You ever heard of the Bacon brothers? Uh, Kevin? Yeah. And yeah, exactly. They sing Kevin Bacon. Oh,

I just be an invisible man. Yeah. They've got so many actors are like, no, I'm a musician too. I know dude. Ke Bacon, Just Be an Invisible Man. I have heard about them, yeah. They've got so many actors that are like, no, I'm a musician too. I know, dude. Keanu Reeves is in a fucking band. Now, I don't know,

but my sense is Keanu's doing that not to like, he seems like someone who wants to be in a band because that's just what's up. He does, except for the fact that,

yes, and I would say that, true, but dude, you never know. No, I know. That's why I prefaced it. I mean, and I would say that, true, but, dude, you never know. No, I know. That's why I prefaced it. I mean, there are people that are – I know people who everyone just –

all the fans think that they're the salt of the earth, and they're just a fucking asshole. Yeah, we talked about this, and I couldn't agree more. And it's just like – it's just so weird. Yeah. And I have a rep of being a dick. I'm a nice person. Yeah. So and it's just like, it's just so weird. Yeah. Well, dude, I just, I have a rep of being a dick. I'm a nice person.

Yeah. So it's unfair. Yeah, of course. But it's all unfair. I wish it would change. Okay, man,

you know, get into therapy session. Uh, I just thought of something I want for, to talk about, uh, on luxury. Anthony,

do the, uh, the Billy Bob Thornton, uh, radio thing. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's a good one.

Uh, speaking of, uh, actors thinking they're brilliant musicians, my God. Uh, all right oh yeah yeah it's a good one uh speaking of uh actors thinking they're brilliant musicians my god uh all right yeah let's do another what's up this is matt coming at you from wisconsin oh best name ever so the other day i was watching a comedy and I was just busting out laughing. This guy's great. This guy's amazing. Just teeing and laughing out loud.

And I look over at my wife. She's not laughing at all. Great. So I said, well, you don't think this is funny? And she said, I'm laughing on the inside. Cool. Love it. Now, this is something I've never heard of.

It doesn't make any sense to me. Is this a thing? Yes. Laughing on the inside? Yes. Yeah. It's what he just did. You're literally sitting there like this. I'm here to tell you. Could be laughing? Yes. Laughing on the inside? Yes. Yeah. It's what he just did. You're literally sitting there like this.

I'm here to tell you. Could be laughing on the inside. It's a real thing. Yeah. He just did it. Marco just did it. Yeah, he did. So maybe every time Matt's looking at Chris just staring at him, maybe he's really laughing

on the inside. He's not. He's thinking of choking me. And Chris. Oh, that is too cute. Come on. How does mom laugh on the inside? She laughs on the inside just like this. Oh my God. Come on. How does mom laugh on the inside? She laughs on the inside just like this.

Oh, my God. Come on. Chris, we're going to be seeing you in Green Bay. Look forward to that. I'll be the guy sitting next to the girl who's sitting there like this. Yeah. That was a great submission. Thanks, guys.

It had an arc to it. Wow. And a surprise ending. That kid is so cute. Yeah, it's a really cute little boy man i love that he reminds me of calvin yeah he did me too um uh yeah uh yeah that's the real thing i do it yeah people will be like matt laugh and i'll be like first of all shut the fuck up because nothing makes you want to not laugh not even like it's not even like an anti-authority

thing it's like putting someone on the spot saying laugh at that they're never gonna laugh starting with that but also dude i'm like i'm enjoying it i don't need to be like having my fucking smile on and guffawing to be enjoying something let me let me enjoy it b yeah like let me live b i mean you know what i'm saying yeah so cuban yeah but uh to be like it's basically you're you're it's a version of oh that's funny you're saying it you know but you're not even saying it also though yes but also sometimes shit is so funny to me that it like goes over the hill of laughter right yeah and it's already on the other side i'm like i can't believe how funny that is man i can't even believe how funny okay yeah i wow yeah exactly yeah yeah especially you know if you think you're a student of comedy which you you know if you think you are then

you think you are and then when something happens and you just go oh all right well that's just great you know yeah laughing on the inside is something maybe they should call it something different laughing on the inside is not great yeah but uh because you can't do that physically right right like yeah that's it's like a oh i love that show it's so funny but you sit and watch the whole show yeah don't laugh yeah that's something it is yeah you know it is definitely as a matter of fact sometimes if you're watching it alone you won't laugh but if you're watching it with like five people you would right you know what i find laughter a lot of times it's just your experience i heard a lot of people say that i laugh a lot alone but i think a lot no i like that yeah i do

too i laugh a lot alone i laugh a lot alone even not looking at anything i'm a crazy person you know what i mean sometimes i'm just in the car and i'm just like because i'm thinking of something totally crazy yeah i just go like hi and i go just like, ha ha, because I'm thinking of something. Totally crazy. Yeah. I just go like, hi, and I go, what? And I go,

nothing. And then, but, but yeah, that's something. And, and, and, and,

here's what I thought though. Don't ever lie about laughing on the inside. Don't do that. Well, yeah, because you're, you have so much power technically. You can lie.

I'm laughing on the inside. Hey. Yeah. No, it's like the it's like an unwritten rule of societal engagement you don't lie about that I don't think it's

it's not fair I don't think it's funny it's okay it's good I get why you think it's funny but whatever yeah or yeah why aren't you laughing

well I didn't think it was funny I don't know it's alright yeah yeah don't abuse the Kristen did that thing did that the other day where she was like she was like look at this and I was like nah babe that come on well i didn't think it was funny it's all right yeah yeah yeah don't abuse the kristen kristen did that thing did that the other day where she was like she was like look at this and i was like nah babe that come on she's maybe done that it's maybe i can't even think of another time she's

done that well i'm confused as to what you're saying she sent me a video uh-huh and i was like oh come on babe that's not oh oh yeah um and And I was surprised because it would almost be like you doing that. Right. Like, I don't think you've ever done that. Yeah. We're so like on the level. And it was just so off the mark? It was like almost on the mark,

but it was too much. And then it was like, ah, yeah, pushed it too far. Maybe we found the- Maybe somebody stole her phone and kidnapped her and was texting you and pretending to be her?

Uh-huh. And? That's not what happened. I hope that's not what happened because I had be her? Uh-huh. And? That's not what happened. I hope that's not what happened because I had sex with her. Oh, no, then that's not what happened. It wouldn't have been her. Since then. Yeah.

I hope it's not a guy who did it. Yeah, well, that would have been a whole thing. They would have had to take over her body, make themselves up to look like her. That wouldn't work. I don't think. I'd know. Yeah, you would know.

Wait a second. Are you a dude? Oh, no. I'd know. Yeah, you would know. Wait a second. Are you a dude? Oh, no. Say something. Hi. Oh, I should have talked beforehand. Yeah. All right.

You don't think that joke's funny? Next. All right, next one. Hey, Chris and Matt. My name is Mandy. I'm from Utah. Somebody. Big, longtime fan. That would be on a TV show. I thought is Mandy. I'm from Utah. Somebody. Big, longtime fan.

That would be on a TV show. I thought the situation that I'm in right now with my older brother is kind of funny. I mean. I married his best friend. A huge pop star from 1991. We've been married almost eight years. In the beginning when we were dating, my brother was super against it. He didn't want us to date, let alone like hardly know each other.

But we did. We dated and we fell in love and we got married. In 2007. At our wedding, he then flipped the script and was saying that he hooked us up and was a total bro that way. But he wasn't. He was super hardcore against it. And just recently at a family dinner, he was talking about how I stole his best friend

from him. Oh, my God. So I'm getting crazy different am i in the wrong or is he holding a grudge for what what would you be in the wrong is she in the wrong she means is she wrong in assuming is he holding a grudge oh do we think that's what i think she said i don't think it's that he's holding a grudge. It's more like he just, he never sat right with him and he never put it away in his mind. Dude, he's a guy. He just isn't thinking about it enough. And he's just like talking. You know what I mean?

But it's clearly affecting him in a way that is making him act like an ass about it. Yeah, kind of. I mean, it's not the worst, but it's just like- It's making him fucking do this. It's affecting her enough that she wants to come to this, to us for advice. Like that is- What he's doing is pretty normal for a brother guy, I think.

I mean, he might be doing it to a more extreme degree than normal, but to be like, oh man, no, my best friend's going to date my sister. And then they get married and it's like, oh, well, it's all thanks to me. And then every now and then at dinner being like, oh, you stole my best friend. That's like so, such something a guy would do. A brother of a sister is so, it's essence of guy. a brother of a sister is so it's essence of guy by that same token right so something a sister would do to feel the way she feels about a hundred percent yeah so if if if it was a some gay shit or whatever and you did it and i was the brother of you which i am but you were gay and you were you know what i mean you were doing it with a guy with my best friend with a guy but i don't fuck him but

you do okay right and you're so gay right you're the bottom like he's just plowing you i think you're adding details that don't matter and you love it like you're the you're the you're the you can't get enough of it like you're like four or five times a day you need a like a load a full load man right saying load so many times and so and uh like you fuck every room in your house and so and you christen it you say like we have to christen it like every every day though right and so got it like not just when you first moved there and so uh i forget completely what i was gonna say that's what you get dude that's a hundred percent what you get oh yeah i and i i wouldn't give a fuck even if i thought if you thought i felt a certain way about my face if you thought why do you always I felt a certain way about that. So fucking close to my face. If you thought, why do you always say that?

Because you're like this, dude. You're literally like this. And dude, why do you think it's so funny? Because it's so true, dude. I mean, I've just known you guys for so long. Yeah. You're still doing this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is you telling the story. It wasn't that close. It was like this. No, no, no, no. Whatever. Anyway. No, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to remember, dude, what I was going to say.

no no whatever anyway i'm trying to remember dude uh what i was going to say and and and and i was saying to you you stole my best friend or doing what the fuck the brother's doing you wouldn't no think about you'd be like oh all right yeah no i wouldn't yeah yeah okay so there there lies the point that's your only point yeah it's no my point is what is confirming what you said we're all about right right yeah your guy would care yeah, yeah. A guy wouldn't care at all. A sister. She's being a sister and he's being a brother. Hey, guys, be a little bit more androgynous and everything's going to be fine.

I get why it wouldn't bother her, though. I do. Because it's like, especially if they've been married a while, it's like, stop making that joke. Even if it is just a joke. Like, how many years, how long have they been married? Like, he's still going to, like, make some, like, joke in front of all your friends about like you

stole my best friend once they get married the joke's up they're married they love each other yeah stop making the joke he stole anyone they're more important than you are with her with him yeah right he's not your friend anymore it's her husband yes right yeah that's why you met him that's what i was saying about the initial thing it's like maybe he just it's like this thing that he never really put away in his mind and it really does still bother him a little bit because if he's still making these jokes it's like dude well he's got he's wrong though yeah also like i have exes and i i think it's kind of weird to date your friend's exes right after but if that happens you better marry her or otherwise it's always gonna be weird between us

i think that's so weird you did that you better be bang on right on the money marry her because then i was wrong even dating her how and i'm glad you met how soon it doesn't matter it what i'm saying is what's like the time what like you Like you're saying soon after, right after. A month, too. Oh, okay, yeah. You know. That's so soon after. Yeah, I know.

You can't do that, yeah. I understand. But if somebody... If I broke up with someone, and then a month or two later, one of my best friends started dating her, I would be like, what the fuck? Yes.

But if they ended up getting married, I would be like, oh, okay, if they ended up getting married I would be like oh okay that that's yes to that as well that you know then the the whole reason why they met was how that's how they should have met because they're good together and I would I would even if I wasn't over it I'd have to be like I'm the problem here and I would try to be friends with the guy still not her though. Depends. Thought about it. It depends. I thought about it.

And you gave a real honest answer. It's good. Is she somebody who slors it up? Wow. Or is she somebody that- Slore, you know? Wow. Was her body count four?

No, I'd still be friends. Yeah, if your body count's four. Okay. Because she's obviously very picky and she just happened to love me and whoopsie-daisy loved him too. But slurring it up, your body count upward of 50, 60? Uh-huh.

Not even that. 80 plus? All right, what about all the people, like everyone, between four and 80? Also, why does that matter if you're so gonna be friends because it matters because it's like you know if you've had sex with 80 plus people you can oh whoops i fell in love and that's actually just as strong as regular love right yeah it catches

you off guard but what are you doing don't don't do it right after we dated yes i know so i'm saying like don't don't be so so willy-nilly with who you're dating if you're gonna whoops fall in love because you're slurring it up 80 plus but what is the 80 plus i don't get what that has to do with it i know i know what it is because you just happen to be you're careless you date whoever my point is if you've only dated four people and you consciously are like uh i shouldn't date his friend but i i really think that we have a connection and i'm gonna do it anyway yeah that's way better yeah than somebody who's dated a hundred dudes that's like ah it's his friend who gives a fuck i'm gonna do it of course yeah is that what you're

saying oh then yeah yeah i agree yeah yes got out of that one dude that was tough yeah whoa got it dude on so much coke i did it dude i did it so good man i'm honestly proud of myself it would have been so much better if you did it the first time and i understood it right and here here we go i 100% disagree. How? How is that possible? In the in-chief. Because it made for great banter sick. And also, we were having a good time.

All right. Enough said. Enough said. Sold. Sold! All right. One more. Hey, guys. i have a question um my boyfriend and i are about eight years apart and we moved to a new city together and we've been here for a couple years

and in that time we've made a lot of new friends most of them i've made through him so like the youngest of our friends is probably eight years older than me is eight years old i'm 26 i now have a friend group of girls and all of us are between, like I said, they're either eight to like 20 years older than me. And sometimes they'll bring up my age and it really irritates me because it really has nothing to do with the kind of person that I am or anything that we have in common.

But for some reason they tend to bring it up in conversation quite a bit that I'm 26. I'm the young one, et cetera. How should I combat this with my friends not in like an aggressive way but in a way that just kind of puts it into talking about how i'm younger than them i think that's right well first of all just so you understand they're jealous of you probably so understand that is like the the bed or the foundation of where it's all coming from and you already will be less upset so there's that but does it really bother you enough to the point that you like want to have some retort at the ready like it's not they're not insulted

am i misunderstanding she's not being insulted is she i mean it's kind of insulting unless they're like oh we don't listen to you. You're too young. We don't care. That's fucking just rude. But if they're just commenting on your age, I don't see what the problem really is. Like, what's an example of a thing that would be... Because she didn't give one. What would be...

What she would say? That they would say to her that would be mean about her age. What could you say to a 26-year-old that is mean about their, like, it's just being 26 is ideal. Right.

Better than being 46. It's better than being 34. Yeah. Not better, like in a qualitative way, but it's better to be younger. Just in general. I mean,

well, maybe they're saying something like, oh, you wouldn't know because. That's what I'm saying. Then that's shitty. Yeah. Right.

You'd be like, well, well, you're going to die first. Right. Yeah. So it's all good. Yeah. Something like that. At. You'd be like, whoa, whoa, you're going to die first. Right, yeah. So it's all good. Yeah.

Something like that. At least I get to see transcendence when it happens. At least I get to see, you know... The singularity? Yeah, singularity. That sounds like a good retort though, you know, because I'd be like...

At least I get to see singularity. I don't know. A good... I don't think you should do that. i don't think you should engage in some kind of like retort i mean yeah just be like yo i'm not 12 yeah yeah the best thing to do in that kind of shit is to be like why don't you always bring that up just put it right right directly back at them sometimes when you have like a retort at the ready a comeback the pettiness even if it's a good one the pettiness is just like off to the fucking races

and that's true you can just immediately kind of like put a mirror up to whoever says it's face yeah like why do you you do that a lot like what is that like i don't know what to say you can even say that dude you could be like i don't i don't know what to say when you say what is your what are you saying like who cares dude i already see how this is gonna go though they're gonna be like oh i didn't realize i do that a lot. I don't do that a lot. And they're going to be like, yeah, you do. And you're like,

when? And you're like, oh, fuck. I hate when people ask for examples, you know? I know. Yeah.

But then if that's the case, unfortunately, maybe have examples ready. Yeah. Write it all down, dude. You obviously have examples. You're calling in.

Show them this episode. Be like, here's my example. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so many times I did this. Have a stenographer.

Get it, hire a stenographer. Yeah. And then. God, I need one. It was so many times I did this. Have a stenographer. Get it, hire a stenographer. Yeah, and then- God, I need one. Yeah. I need a different stenographer. There should be government-appointed stenographers- For sure.

For each person. Yeah. Dude, I just figured out the unemployment crisis, the jobs crisis. Government hire all unemployed people to follow around other people. Actually, he said- Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah i guess i say like my wife right now is like you know i have an electric bike uh shout out to what's the company that made

it um shit wow just put it under and yeah this company shout out to this company right there boom they're great the bike is awesome and um uh the battery's gone the i lost the battery we're just it's somewhere in the garage oh and and you know it's not me because you know how much my wife moves stuff around okay how big is the battery it's not not, oh, oh, I see, yeah, okay. And so, I, and she's like, 100% wasn't me. So I'm like. But who else, honestly, could it be? Are there other even candidates?

Jerika. Okay, yeah. But also, it's not Jerrica. Okay. Yeah. But also, it's not Jerrica. Okay. I didn't, that is something that I, for entertainment purposes,

we don't even need to bring her into it because I'm telling you, it's just me and my wife. Do you know what I'm saying? You've got to keep it down. So when you were like, could like it could be anyone else it's like that's not what this is here what i'm saying is why not how was i supposed to know that that's not what it is though you know like i mean because it could be calvin but it's not calvin why not though oh okay i don't like it i don't like any where this conversation is going okay man i didn't

realize i was stepping on no no it, no, no. It's okay. I mean, it's good. You know, it's good. Why did we start talking about the battery though? My point is this stenographer. If I could be like, oh, look.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is actually where you put the battery. Just set up cameras, but only you know where they are. Watch them all every day.

So laborious. So you know exactly what so tax kristen did all day every day so anytime she says no i didn't do that you could say oh you didn't do that or anytime she says i did do that and she didn't you say oh you did do that oh really let me let me show you something i'll be back in eight hours well let me check the footage not sleeping at all no you want no what i'm saying is you watch every day's footage before you interact with her. So you know exactly what she did and didn't do it. Got it.

Yeah. Okay. So that's how that goes. All right. Well, there you go. So I have our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. It's a great time over there.

And we're going to shoot one right now. And then also I'm going to be in. Well, we got the Lifeline live show in Irvine. And then I got a bunch of Irvine shows. May 14th. Get in there. Stand-up wise. And then I got St. Petersburg, Chattanooga, Charleston, West Virginia. And then Australia, Adelaide, Sydney, and Melbourne.

And also Auckland, New Zealand. So anyway, go to chrisley.com. Nice. Did you say Patreon now? Did you talk about the Patreon? I did. All right, yeah. And subscribe to my solo podcast, Private Record.

It's pimpin' pimpin' about it, about it, baby, baby. And you want the merch? Go to lifelinemerch.com and cop it. Get it on your body. And of course, if you want to be on this show, go to watchlifeline.com to submit on this show go to watchlifeline.com to submit your video or go to the hotline you will find the number in the description below thank you