Lifeline - 112. Deep in the Uh-Oh

Episode Date: June 2, 2024

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Runk. episode 112 baby of lifeline it is sunday june 2nd it's june no june gloom june smiley okay that doesn't rhyme all right thank you uh so what's up man you want to talk about the patreon okay yeah i mean i think you should get the Patreon on there because it's patreon.com slash Lifetime Luxury.

And it is very inexpensive. And you get that live show that we did, which was bonkers. Honestly, that was the best. That was the best show that we've done. I had so much fun. I want to do more live shows. There's no question in my mind. For me, personally, just in terms of the experience, it was by far the best Lifeline episode ever.

And I'm on tour. Go get to get chrislea.com tickets. I'm going to be in Australia soon. I will be in Des Moines. I will be in Green Bay and a bunch of different places. So go to chrislea.com. Thank you very much for that. My solo podcast, The Private Record.

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All that info is in the description below. You want a one-on-one advice session with me, make your life better, make your life the best life it could possibly be, go to mattelio.com. And if you want the merch, you got to get every piece or else you're not a real person in the world. It doesn't count.

You don't actually count as a living person unless you have every piece of merch. Go to lifelinemerch.com. I mean, on so much coke, you know, the way you're doing it. I try to say fast because you know why? Because you cut me off. No, I didn't cut you off.

I know. That's because I went fast. I wonder if, well, we could slow down now if we want to look at is uh-oh i'm an orange guy again that i know last time i was an orange guy you were an orange guy too well you're not an orange guy this time i don't remember that actually was i orange yeah that's why i was like making this really funny thing out of how we're orange guys now remember how funny it was do you trim your beard no whoa when when's the last time you

trimmed it weeks i don't know or two weeks my three weeks maybe yeah mine gets more that's yeah i'm getting really white though huh yeah dude your beard's really really gray weird i want my hair to catch up i know i talk about this a lot but do you be the first person in the world to dye your hair gray put streaks of gray in your i do want to do that i want to try to catch up. I know I talk about this a lot. Do you be the first person in the world to dye your hair gray? Put streaks of gray in your hair. I do want to do that. I want to try to dye it gray, actually. I wonder what it'll look like. I think it'll look cool.

Dude, there's so many apps now. Just go online. How would I look with 40% gray hair or something? How would I look with 40% gray hair? Yeah. Well, you don't say it out loud. You have to go to one of those sites. Oh, you don't wish it?

You don't just wish it uh you can wish it but wishing it is less effective than just going on to some ai app don't do you don't think that's good you do that a lot now and i don't like it i don't know why it's just a thing it's a phase remember when you used to oh my god dude you when you would eat something every single time you'd sit down to eat you would when you would eat something, every single time you'd sit down to eat, you would, when you would put something in your mouth, you would just go. Yeah. That's so terrible. How do people put up with you? Well, it was a joke.

But you were still doing it. Like, it's like, it's like slapping someone in the face and be like, I'm just kidding. No. Okay. Well, it's far from that. Number one. Number two, I would do it more with other people when they ate. What does that mean?

They would go and and I'd go, That's what you're talking about? Yeah, but you would do it when you ate. Yeah, I would do it too. You're such a crazy person. But that's, why did you not like that? Because it's so annoying. Well, I mean, what do you mean?

Yeah. You know? Is it so annoying? Do you remember that, what do you mean? Yeah. You know? Is it so annoying? Do you remember that, Chris? Remember what? When he would do that, when he would be eating something and he would go, and he'd put it in his mouth and go. Yeah.

Yeah, why would he do that? But I wouldn't do it every time, though, dude. You would do it a lot, dude. No, it wasn't that. It didn't bother me. Yeah. It was stupid, but I mean. Yeah, it's stupid for sure.

It's not that bad. No, I just thought of it, you know? I'm not saying it was the worst thing you ever did. I think that it's one of the medium things I've done. Meaning... It's neither here nor there. Calvin likes when I do it, so... Yeah, Calvin's for...

Yeah, well, that's what it's for pretty much, you know? That's what? It's for him now, yeah. Yeah. Yes yeah yes exactly it's for four-year-olds and things that are for four-year-olds are generally not appreciated by 34 year olds you know i mean yeah yeah so um we're chilling why did you both laugh at that because it was funny dude yeah why do you say why did you laugh at that after you say something that people laugh at because i want to know the ins and outs of it and the deafness don't you think you know usually i do now yeah because i've been asking so long that's the only reason you can't just like i have an innate understanding of it yes of humor yes yeah it's a car right but

you also have an innate understanding of if you said something that you this is gonna be shitty no if you said something that was designed and said specifically to garner laughter from those around you you ostensibly know why those people laughed because of the thing you said yes they laughed because of that but why for the same reason you thought they were gonna laugh not necessarily not necessarily but it's it's so annoying to be like in the middle of joyful laughter and then someone was like why are you laughing why are you laughing why are you laughing but i don't do that though what do you do a laugh idiot what is a laughter will happen foreign and then i'll let it go and i'll say tell me why you laughed

at that so we have the moment and then we have the education okay so you're a teacher no i'm not a teacher you're a learner i'm a student you're a student yeah so that's what it is yeah um yeah yeah i need i i don't i really wish my hair was gray too, honestly. Gray? Well, I either wish my beard was dark, was not gray, or my hair was gray. I don't like looking like a skunk. Then either dye your beard or dye your hair. I don't want to dye my hair.

I'd never dye my hair. That's not a reason to not do something. I remember one time I was in mom and dad's bathroom. Remember they had a green bathroom in the overall drive yeah yeah that was a that was it was a cool bathroom awesome what a weird bathroom though dark deep green that was very cool those tiles that was cool but i wouldn't want it would you i think i would oh i haven't thought about that in the same 30 years or something yeah so my my mom was like let's put highlights in your hair and i said no

and she's like let me just put a little lemon juice in it sometimes it'll lighten up your hair okay she's like really she's like yeah i got it right here so she put it in my hair nothing happened obviously of course because lemon juice doesn't die here but my dad dad walked in and he said what are you doing and i was like i don't know mom wanted to put lemon juice in my hair he's like no you don't put lemon juice in his fucking hair really yeah yeah what are you doing what are you doing really you don't put you don't dye your hair huh like in a funny way but also like he was right like why would i do that why not well i know why not yeah right there's no reason to or not but like

who cares who cares who cares enough to do it one time we were on vacation and i don't remember at all why i did this i have no memory of why i did this i wish i did but i took one of dad's oh this i know why because i didn't know how razors worked yeah and i was like i thought well you need cream for it to work oh because i was like nine or something yeah and i took it to my sideburn and i fucked it up so hard and i looked like it actually looked to me totally unintentionally looked like the playboy bunny was i remember that sideburn i remember that really i do remember that uh and i've i was like oh no do i do it to the other side and make it less noticeable but then i was like wait that's only more noticeable yeah i gotta just pretend like it didn't happen and then i'm a big playboy

maybe nobody will notice and then right away oh yeah the first moment i'm around mom and dad mom is like what happened here sideburn yeah what? Yeah. Why did you do it? Because I was just like how I was playing with dad's razor. And you were like, I want to know how it worked. I thought it wouldn't work because I didn't have any cream. So I was like, what is this doing? So dumb to say I like that. That's funny.

Yeah. Well, how old were you? Nine, I think. Nine? Eight or nine. Yeah. Oh, wow. I was definitely too young.

Well, we were in California. No, we were on vacation. I don't remember where. Oh. We were on vacation somewhere. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, you did say that.

Yeah. Of course I did. Oh, okay. You know, and it was just like. What was it like? It was? Yeah. You think it was like that?

It was like this. Like Mac 10 cover album? I'm coming. Mary Catherine, Mac 10. No, no, no, no. Oh,atherine mac 10 no no no no oh no no hit a sore spot okay nah just it's not you know i'm not that hits a sore spot okay um i don't like fans i don't like fans like not fans of of stuff is fine yeah you're talking about i don't like fans these totally found're talking about fans. I don't like fans. These two. I don't like them. You don't like these fans? I love these fans. Those are better.

Those are great. Those are terrible. The Dyson ones? The Dyson ones. The Dyson ones that just go. Yeah. When I was little, I used to always think

ceiling fans were going to fall off and slice my head off. We had a third brother. That's what happened to him. Yeah. Dimitri. Dimitri's head got cut off. Dimitri Dalia?

Yeah. It's pretty Russian. Yeah. And we're Italian. Yeah. I mean, worst input. yeah uh dimitri dimitri's head got cut dimitri delia yeah it's pretty russian yeah well and we're tying yeah i mean worst input what's up you lose you loopy what's up i took a magic mind no i wish i was loopy but i'm just tired i slept dude i for maybe four hours last night oh my god did i sell terrible did i send you this video of the guy yes yes dude can you play it it made me uneasy dude i know same but dude did you watch the whole thing no at the end long we'll watch it on luxury dude come on all right but at the end he just goes

whoa whoa whoa oh no he goes ha ha ha ha ha wipe out he's like 60, dude. He's on ketamine. Yeah. Ketamine, that's crazy. That makes me uneasy too, man. Ketamine is a disassociative. That shit scares me. Yep.

Because you can be like looking down at your leg. Someone's like hammering your leg with a fucking hammer. And you're just like, if you're thinking about something else, you don't feel it. That is trippy. That is so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Because the pain still happened. You just don't feel it that is trippy that is so weird yeah yeah because the pain still happened you just don't

feel it well the pain doesn't happen because it's all about the brain reception of it so it's not about it's not local the signal is sent to your brain from your leg that says let this body know this hurts really bad and so when you're on the ketamine if you're dissociating oh my god bro you aren't getting that signal sent because there's like a cutting of this so the communication fucked up yeah um oh my god dude that i'm tripping out okay let's let's start okay it's making me feel really weird i know it is i'm surprised you liked that video. I did kind of. I know. But it was weird.

It made me feel weird. That's so not like you because you don't like shit like this. Okay. All right. Well, I'm glad we didn't play it then. All right, let's go. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris.

Just want to say I discovered both of you guys through this podcast, which I love. It's awesome. It's entertaining. That's great. It's great. So I want to give you some's great so what I could use some advice on is I actually just graduated college for a bunny EMT with this hey that's which is awesome I'm really excited for I'm really excited

breaking the next industry and do something different mmm but I've been working at this high-end right high-end fine dining restaurant for almost two years now of our tender there and what happened the other day is they actually just offered me a bar management position. It's crazy how much money I get at it. Because I'm only 22, and I think it could be a really, really good experience. I would learn a lot. Pay increases, better benefits, everything. But at the same time, I want to start looking at jobs and doing something different.

I really like the job I work at now but i also want to do more with my life you know um so i was just wondering if you had any advice or how you would approach a situation like this um yeah anything would be helpful so keep up the podcast thanks so much guys give yourself an amount of time that's nothing that means nothing without any more words afterwards i'm saying decide to do it for a year and then time's up after that it's hard that's hard when you have the plan you graduate you're gonna go in that field and then suddenly the thing you've been doing you get all that you liked doing yeah you get a pay bump and a bump in like up the packing order that's tough that's life

trying to be like yo dude hey no you do this a little bit more make it a little bit more comfortable for you and i'll keep your dreams from you it's tossing a life that's life saying hey i'll hold out let me let me pull these dreams a little further away yeah but but it's gonna feel fine it's gonna feel comfortable dude you can get a nice bed or something you know maybe i'll be able to hire some cleaning ladies. But dude, let me keep this dream a little bit out of reach of you. Right? And that's what life's doing.

So go like this. Hey, life, I'll give you a year. I'll give you a year. And then guess what? You're not going to dangle that dream in front of me. But what if... See, here's the problem with that. What if something changes and you get even this, that if something changes always though i know well no it will

that's my point it will change so saying giving yourself a hard out at a year is kind of not i don't like stuff like that oh really yeah it's like give it about a year reassess at that point yeah you don't want to want to say, get out, give yourself a year and then you're done. I'm not like Tuesday, January 9th, you bounce. It sounded like that. You go like this to your boss. I gave life a chance. Yeah.

You sounded like it was going to be that. I think you're going to miss slower side. Didn't he say he was going to be an EMT? Yeah. He went to college to be an EMT? But that's awesome. Yeah. You can be an EMT.

There's no rush on that. So yeah. Take the pay to be an EMT. But that's awesome. Yeah, you can be an EMT. There's no rush on that. So yeah, take the pay bump, take the raise, take the new position, see if you're loving life, loving life, loving life, and then take it from there. You can always become an EMT

with the credentials you have now. It's not like people are going to be like, no, you took six months. Right. Took six months, you're not allowed to be an EMT. It's like they're hungry for emt's i bet they would be they would hire you instantly okay well you know

yeah someone would you think so yeah emt's are not like commonly super easy to fill positions okay okay that's fine great sure uh but yeah if you're having fun doing the thing and then you are going to get bumped up and get a pay raise but better benefits doing a similar thing but with even more like whatever power if you want to call it that just try that you're already there you know you know no no yeah i think you're right yeah okay thanks yeah cool next oh chris and matt uh so i recently got left by my fiance we were together for a over seven years and uh damn yeah she left me in march but regardless that's not what i'm calling up oh uh so she at my buddy his wedding is in june i'm the best man and uh she's gonna be at the wedding right so i'm trying to figure out the best way to handle it also she's in the wedding party

oh it's super unfortunate and that's not gonna see so i figured i'd call to what you guys were doing this situation how you would handle being at the wedding with oh my god someone who you know last year and how would you deal with that yeah all right well i look forward to meeting you here and you guys are great because you're funny as hell thanks bro you're also funny as hell you know what dude sometimes i'm just like this is like kind of a bad example, but like, sometimes I'm just like, like if I have to take a long flight, I'm just like, buckle up. This is going to suck. You know,

I guess on a flight, you can zone out. You can't really zone out in your best friend's wedding, but like, just be prepared for this day to just suck. You know what I'm saying? I think that's, you just got to mitigate your,

like, this is just, this is just, there's no, I don't know what I'm saying? I think that's, you just got to mitigate your, like this is just, this is just, there's no, I don't know what good could come out of it. Maybe, you know, there could be good that come out of it. Maybe she realized she made a mistake and then you guys get back together. Or maybe you realize, oh, maybe we shouldn't be together.

You know what I mean? But like, this is just going to suck. It's going to suck. But as far as your behavior at the wedding is concerned, don't act like nothing happened. Because when someone goes through something extreme and then they act like nothing happened, that is a tell, a sign that you're putting on some kind of act. And people notice and people are like, oh, he's losing it. He's acting like nothing happened.

But act like it happened but that you don't really care all that much never better be the best thing that ever happened to me actually not not not that it was a good thing what's that oh the ring here you go but that it just happened and life is life and these things happen and i'm here at this wedding to have a good time people because i think one of the things you're worried about is like, how are you going to have to interact with people? It's like they're going to be uncomfortable or something, you know? And you're going to be aware of that.

And it's going to be weird. And it's going to be a topic of conversation. Just act like it's all good. Don't say it's all good. Because the moment you start saying it's all good, everyone knows it's not all good. Dude, all good. Yeah, you walk in like that.

You're really defensivo. Yeah, yeah. I'm always i was gonna have one of these things one of these wedding things because remember but guess what it's all good that i'm not because i didn't want to anyway well you know i was yeah it's we were gonna have one of these say because your fiancee you know mm-hmm i'm not crazy yeah but we're not now you know whatever and i love that and i love that we're not having one and isn't that just how we kind of do isn't that just kind of how we do it yeah you know we thought we were going to do it and we're not and it's fine but uh his wedding speech his wedding speech that's his best man speech yeah yeah just don't make don't make people uncomfortable.

It's not your day, which sucks. Because I would be like, this sucks. Not only do I have to feel this awkwardness, but it's also not my day. I also have to show up. Do you know what I'm saying? That's the worst. Like, at least if you're uncomfortable,

a lot of times you're like, all right, today I'm out. Today, you got the best of me. But you got to actually show up. So that's why I say buckle up. As Davis Clark would say, get locked in. Yeah. You know? Get after it.

Yeah, just get after it. Do it for your boy and then that's it. Suck it up. But you pull your friend to the side and you say, you better not get fucking divorced. Dude, I'm here because I want it to be, because I want to help you. But this is very awkward for me. If you get fucking divorced, look at me. If you get divorced, look at me.

If you get divorced right before he goes out there, so his face is all pink when he says, I did. You fucking don't get divorced, okay? Yeah, that's good too. Slap the groom around a bunch in his face before he goes up for his vows and stuff yeah that is so awkward though dude why would she break up with you just before that wedding dude give a speech and when you give the speech first say well i was gonna have one of these

wasn't i yes that's what i could you fucking imagine yeah i think i think we all know she's here somewhere honey oh i'm sorry my ex honey where are you where is she that's probably with some guy sucking him off anyway oh she's probably in the back sucking off some guy he's probably in the back sucking off not even somebody in the in the party just maybe one of the waiters uh anyway dude couldn't be a better guy yeah tim this guy hi tim who's tim the groom oh right yeah yeah i mean come on man i thought maybe you meant like she took a no date i know you know that it bothered me that you thought that why it was very clear that he was starting the speech after that i didn't think it was that

it's fine you know i don't want to hear it okay okay well now you're getting defensive makes you think i'm right all good it's all good yeah it sucks man just just get through it dude grin and bear it you know grin and bear it okay next chris and matt what's up i love you guys to death chris you are the funniest motherfucker on the planet hell yeah don't ever let anyone take that from you matt the private record is fantastic man keep doing what you guys are doing thank you just coming to you guys today with a question regarding passion cool i've been a musician for many years a rapper more specifically and i know how that sounds but trust me it was going very very well at a point um

you know had shows all up and down the east coast won a bunch of competitions had label meetings it really looked like something that was gonna take off yeah um but long story short fast forward i'm 38 got a beautiful family cool things are going well for me but man i miss it oh and um i love it so much i'm'm always thinking about song ideas and things like this. And then sometimes I'll sit down to make music. And it's just a depressing feeling because it's like, man, why am I even doing this? It feels like a waste of time any time I put any kind of energy into it. Why?

Why do we think that? I hate that feeling because i love it so much but i just was wondering if you guys thought that it's worth doing something that you love even though there's no end goal in mind and how do i not feel guilty about wasting time doing something that doesn't necessarily matter in my life anymore um yeah love to hear what you guys have to say thanks a lot love you guys interesting we're right you're exactly how do i even say this where you are and whether you're going to continue to make music or not, like speaks to exactly why an artist is an artist or is not an artist.

Okay. An artist is not an artist just to become successful at that field, that specific branch of the art world, whatever, in your case, it's music. You're an artist because you have to be doing it. Speaking of passion, this is obviously the subject of your video. This is what drives you. It's what you're passionate about. It's what you care the most about, obviously, outside of your family.

But external things out in the world, what you care about most is obviously is obviously music whatever you do i don't give a fuck if you're a garbage man you're a ceo of some major company if what you love to do is make music it's not a waste of time you should not feel guilt about doing it it's what you fucking love to do and now more than ever you can get music out there and into the world without any middleman that's true soundcloud dude just like clips it doesn't mean you need to be some fucking rap star that's not the point in fact you know better than anybody about about whether that's the point or not right you don't do it anymore and you miss it and you still want to do it whether or not you get tons of fucking success like the answer is right in front of you you gotta do it you or not you get tons of fucking success like the answer is right in front of you

you got to do it you got you you literally have to do it yeah it's on your mind it bothers you yeah you still think about it you have to do it you left it behind and that's why you fucking still think about it you got to be doing it and i know you probably misspoke when you said this but you're like it doesn't matter anymore in my life like i feel guilty doing it but like it matters if you think it does it matters if you say it does and it matters and you know just because it's not bringing money in or time with your kids doesn't mean it's not important for you you know like uh john lennon said you know if you uh any time where you feel like you're happy is good.

What was it again? Un-fucking-real, dude. How many times on this show have you brought up a John Lennon quote that you don't even know what it is? Any time isn't wasted. Any time isn't wasted. What is it? Whatever it is. Any time isn't wasted.

That's what it is. Anyway, my point is you're being hard on yourself, dude. You got to give yourself that you gotta also take time for yourself self-care or whatever the fuck somebody would say you know and it's like you know do that do it's a hobby it's a hobby yeah it's a creative outlet it's a creative outlet and also you you know who knows what could happen with this the sky's the limit you know you start rapping and you start doing good shit. Maybe a clip takes off on TikTok, signs out. Yeah.

You know, and next thing you know, you got the next knees weak, arms are sweaty, you know? What's that? Knees weak, palms are sweaty. Oh, oh. Palms are sweaty already. Moms beginning. You nervous? That's a pretty good impression.

Well, the world knows I do a good Eminem impression. Great. I've had people... One time, someone stopped me and said, I love your brother's Eminem impression. Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy? Wow.

And I was like, what? It took me a second. I was like, oh, yeah, cool, man. So weird. What'd you say? That's what I said. At first, I was like, what? I didn't really know know what he i'm not thinking about you and your m&m impression when i walk around i mean it took me off i should be on your mind caught me off guard wow and then i slapped him in his bitch

ass face really yeah yeah and where was it this was just in a hallway somewhere oh. That's bad and illegal. Yeah. All right. Anthony, did you laugh? Yes. All right. Unreal, dude. Just wondering. How do people put up with you? Well, you do it, don't you? Sometimes.

How does fucking Kristen do it is what I want to know. She gets mad. Don't laugh like that. Why? It was fake. Shut the fuck up. Understand? I will.

My shit, dude. I will laugh how I want, and you will not tell me what is fake and what is not when it comes to my own laughter. Thank you. The first line of a book. If that was the first line of a book, I would fucking read the whole goddamn thing, no matter how bad it got. I'd be like, well, that first line was fire. So French.

All right, next one. Brian Cranston. Hey, Chris and Matt. No. It's Mike from Canada. Oh, it's Mike from Canada. My cum definitely smells. Wow. I'm on a recent podcast questioning this.

My question is, my cum does smell. That's your question? But I've encountered some bushes in the wild that smell like my cum, and I'm just wondering if I should get this checked out. Christopher Walken, dude. My cum does smell. Christopher Walken, dude. My cum does smell. Christopher Walken.

What is he saying? I'm sorry. He's saying his cum smells like bushes. That's great. Lucky dog. Who the fuck is that lucky dog? Can you play the whole thing again, actually? Let's play the whole thing again. Hey, Chris and Matt.

It's Mike from Canada. My cum definitely smells. I heard someone on a recent podcast questioning this. My question is, my cum does smell, but I've encountered some bushes in the wild that smell like my cum, and i'm just wondering if i should uh get this checked out thanks bro what a great guy think about this guy walking down the street yeah just not you know going to his car okay and go and being like it smells like my cum yeah that's i like it even more he's

on a hike and he's like i don't know kind of in the wild and he's just like yeah did i come that's so great to be like do you guys smell that what does it smell like it smells like my cum no here it really does you're like here the bushes right yeah bushes dude bushes huh i wonder what kind of bushes he's talking about dude he's talking about cum bushes it jizz bush jism the jism bush the jism dude it doesn't smell man his does you think he's a lie i think he's gonna go on the biggest podcast in the world with his face and everything and say, my cum smells like bushes if it wasn't true? It's embarrassing. Please clip him saying, my cum definitely smells.

And also, there's another thing he said right after that clip. I got to put them on my Instagram story. That's so funny. Just for no context. My cum definitely smells. Whoa, what is this all about? What? There really is a semen-scented tree?

What is going on? Some guy's just going out and jerking off on trees. Also known as the Bradford pear or the ornamental pear, the Pyrus caleriana tree has the same characteristics of the corpse plant. The corpse plant smells like absolute dead shit. Oh, really? You know about it? Yeah.

The smell it exudes attracts certain insects so that they may help the tree pollinate. Yeah, insects called hoes. In essence, the smell of semen is once again attributed to reproduction. Oh. That's a misleading headline. Why? Yes, there really is a semen-scented tree. A guy was jerking off on plants, and then he goes like,

scientists, check out this. What do you think about this? Dude, look at all this. I didn't do that. Get a free tree just for chopping down a jizz smelling one you know riverfront times well if it's on riverfront what is the invasive tree that smells like sperm dude what is going on am i dreaming this is so weird why do so many people i have so many questions about this why are so many people aware of a universal smell of cum why the worst sentence who are all these people that know

what like that smell is enough to be like oh that tree over there smells like that yeah i get it mine is unscented yeah i thank god dude thank god what i want mine to be unscented and it is oh yeah for sure i would hate it bro you know you're walking even just think about you know you're you're walking through the mall and someone's like i want a free perfume you know god no what what you don't people just spray on you like would you want a free oh god i would oh you don't know about this i would rage on someone yeah but i mean like but they don't have to necessarily spray you it still smells so much like that around them because they've been doing right right yeah okay sometimes they'll just spray you that should be

illegal you should be able to i bet you could sue somebody for that yeah i'm gonna sue well it has to happen to you first walk around the glendale Galleria and see if it happens. This is tripping me out. Oh my God, look at this idiot. Look at this stupid... Look at this. Why does the air smell like semen and it's S-E-M-A-N? How dumb are people, dude? Why does the air smell like a seaman?

Why it's fishy like chlorine or rotten... I'm pissed. I'm pissed, dude. I'm fucking pissed. Why does it smell like rotten eggs? Who are disgusting fucking dude chlorine take a fucking shower get a new body that's disgusting oh whatever all right next one fuck my cum definitely does smell yeah that guy was great but where lead was not all. All right, all right. What's up, man?

Chris, Chris and Matt, how's it going? What's up, man? I have a question regarding crossing the street. So usually you just wait for the cars to go by and cross when there's a gap. But sometimes someone stops and lets you go ahead of them. So my question is, when that happens, is it sa bitch to do the little apologetic jog? What a good question. Yeah.

Across the street? Or should you just walk at a regular pace? I don't know. What a good- Let me know. What a good question. This is the- Have we not talked about this before?

We've talked about a different facet of this. There is- This is the example of being helpful to a fault this is what we have talked about that but we haven't talked about is it so bitch to do that right like of course it is yes is it to do the jog the fake jog yeah it so big is it really one of the top bitch things i don't think it's one of the top bitch things dude okay what do you mean yeah you're just like like like waving yeah yeah yeah yeah the wave is definitely so bitch but you have to do the wave you're gonna do it at all i guess you could do it not bitch but in its on its face it's bitch yeah okay so um don't do that drivers the car's going

it's going fast i will go after the car everyone is it's always good that way when somebody slows down they're going 45 miles an hour they slow down from so far away you're like are they slowing down are they oh fuck all right okay oh they're slowing down and then you gotta run i don't want to run yeah i want to walk across the street i know what i'm doing you're driving do the driving part yeah i'll adapt yeah if i get hit that's the game dude the problem i think is in that certain states like ours the pedestrian has the right of way so i think drivers stop because they're like i'm just following the law some drivers are bitches though they're like oh what's going on hold on okay go you know dude there's two

things i do when that happens i either go De Niro Wow so De Niro I do that though I go Okay Or I go And then What a dick fuck you are

Come on Don't be a dick to the people No Just this What you do is A if i'm in the middle of the street a mime hey that would be great yeah but i think you go you don't do the little run because that's moonwalk and go hee hee making everyone unhappy the fake i think one that is really just a walk no one's fooled by that no one likes to watch anyone else do it just walk because you're going to go at the same pace anyway

because that is a fake run yeah but why do we do the fake run that's why i like the question what is that it's just like signaling that it's people think it's polite but you're not going faster than walk that's what's crazy about it what if i just what if when i did it i just fucking ran as hard as i could across the street yeah like that yeah yeah i don't know i think it's uh shitty just the whole thing i that that actually drives me nuts though there's there's there's one thing that makes me that drives me way more nuts in the driving world than that what is it it's when wow i'm actually getting i get heated even thinking about it jesus so i'm going i'm coming down the road okay yeah i'm now at the point where i

have to wait for this car to drive past me so i can go left yeah of course yeah totally normal hey not the part that makes me upset yet yeah i got that because nothing upsetting has happened yet but i'm coloring it. Yeah, that's fine. Take your time. Unlike you, I like buildup. Okay. So go ahead. The clouds are...

No. And so then, at the last moment, that guy turns right. Oh, that's terrible. I should have went. i should have what i should have won let me tell you why that's terrible and worse than the crossing thing yeah and it is without question worse and i know you think that but i'll tell you why one is to like its essence it is it is considerate yeah yeah the other one is completely oblivious and inconsiderate rude well by way of being so inconsiderate how could you care so little about other people yeah that you're just like i don't even put my unless you're doing it because i don't give a fuck fuck them i'm doing it this is how i do it then that's rude yeah yeah exactly yeah dude that that drives me so nuts it how that happens a lot all the time yeah all the time i did it the other

day and i was like no no no no no no i i fucking i put on the blinker and i was like oh fuck i want to apologize i've done it it's because i don't do it i have done it it's it's just when you're absent in an absent mind i know i know and It's just when you're absent, in an absent-minded moment, it happens. I know, I know. Also, it happens when you're like, oh, wait, this is the right. You're like, you're not even, like if you don't know your way around the place.

Yeah. Yeah. Which doesn't really happen to me. I know my way around everywhere. It's crazy. You drop me anywhere, I know my way around. You don't know your way around a razor. You hated that.

Don't laugh like that. Dude, don't ever tell me how to laugh again understood all right next one hey matt hey chris a long time time here i've been listening since episode one but this is my first submission um looking for some advice with a co-worker we work in a typical cubicle farm setup um he doesn't sit directly next to me but in the cubicle like adjacent to me yeah and this guy will just whistle to himself all day while he works oh god really annoying especially if i have like a deadline or just trying to focus on something it's so distracting so frustrating listening to he's

way up and this guy's a little bit higher up than me in the company oh no so and i'm just not complication i'm generally so i just wanted to see how you guys would handle that any advice would be helpful because i feel like if i don't do something soon i'm just gonna explode and it's Yeah, you are. She got in your head. That's the worst part. Let's just talk about, okay. I had allergies from something and I had to go to an allergist.

Yes. And I would go, do you know about this? Any of it? No, this story? This story? No, I know. I had to go to an allergist. And I went and he would do all the things you know like prick you and like and then he'd look in your mouth and your ears and shit you suck his

dick and oh no i haven't and um and it would be like and and he would just go and it wasn't the worst part about it is it wasn't a song he was just humming to hum yeah i get that yeah if he was doing you know the proclaimers come on that would be weirder but better but better but better you're saying but better why better because then why is that the bad part i don't understand actually i like that that's so fucking annoying to me okay and he did it all the time interesting you're weird dude me i'm not the hummer that's weird to be what what was you're saying you were pissed off about this it was annoying it's just like come on bro it was loud he would get closer oh my god well that's crazy a car a fucking car a transformer

so i mean that is that is very strange anyway uh that was annoying and then uh then there was one another time this has not this has just reminded me of it this has nothing to do with anything but i can't remember what doctor i was at but i was But I was waiting for him. And I was like this on the wall. Man, mom laughed at this when I told her that this happened. After it happened. And I was like this. And the doctor came in and he says, hey, how are you?

And I'll never forget his voice. It was like very like, how are you? And it was in a doctor I go to all the time. It was like a doctor that I had seen for the first time. And he was like, so how are you? Good. Okay. Can I ask you to take your hand off the wall? like that and i go oh uh yeah sure and he says okay

because you see this right here and he pointed to uh a different wall and i said and said you see this right here and i get it was like a little bit of a like a smudge and he was like i said oh yeah he says so that's when someone else put their hand right there and uh that's from guys like you oh oh my god what a prick and i go oh i'll never use it that's from guys like you guys like you yep yep yep yeah yeah bro yeah walk out of that office that's from guys like you yeah wow that's from guys like you he said and i had told that to mom dude afterwards she laughed so hard dude mom laughs at doctors i i know she does doesn't she she used to laugh when i had that orthodontist who would always bump into oh yeah the bumping head one she would

laugh she would love that she loved that our dr basil almer dude he rolled back in his chair in my very first apartment a big mirror in my mouth and he's looking into my mouth and he just goes, ah. He goes, I mean, that's very funny. He hit his head

on like one of those lights, you know? I can't believe I never, yeah, those stupid fucking, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just with the big arm and shit. Dude, how about,

you control it with two hands? How about, like get a fucking flashlight. That's so dumb. Just get it better, yeah. Have a bitch hold it, you know? But, bitch hold it i mean i don't mean a woman i mean like a guy okay it could be a girl though i mean it doesn't matter but uh i mean equal opportunity but um how i know stinging i know do people see it yeah okay i want you to know something it's very apparent when you and it looks really ugly it look and do you want me to know something. It's very apparent when you have it. And it looks really ugly. Do you want me to be honest?

No, you're not going to tell me something I don't know. It looks terrible. It's so confrontational. So you're not going to tell me something I don't know. Yeah. Let me see. Look at me straight on. Okay, hang on.

It looks horrible. Yeah, but I had to do it because I can't breathe. And if I can't breathe, I'm going to die. And I don't want to die live on the show. Keep it with your mouth open. That's disgusting. Be a crocodile. Be a crocodile. I want to breathe, on the show. But keep it with your mouth open. That's disgusting. Be like a crocodile. Be a crocodile.

I want to breathe and so I put it in my nose. Poetry. Keep saying what you're saying. What? Continue about doctor. Foreign. Okay, so

I don't remember what the question was. There was no question. No, the whistling. We'll go back to the whistling. There was a question. No, no, I'm saying you were saying something before I said the nose thing, right? I don't know you know the whistling we'll go back to the whistling there was a question no no i'm saying you were saying something before i said the nose thing right i don't know but the whistling thing is crazy and it's the higher up part makes it terrible dude

yeah you're in trouble i would you know i mean you could whistle back then i'll probably get the point get the but that's so passive it is passive aggressive but also maybe you want to make some good whistling you want to try. Maybe you try it. Well, honestly, dude, you can't do anything. This guy's higher up than you. You've fucking got to get a new job. Maybe it's why I don't have a regular job, but I would say something for 100%.

Well, okay, what would you say? Why you whistle so much? Oh, that's good. Yeah, you could do that, yeah. Yeah. What's with the whistling? Why do you do that? What is going on? I have a question for you. Do you realize you're whistling oh that's good yeah you could do that yeah yeah what's with the whistling why do you do that what is going on do you do i have a question for you do you realize you're whistling or do you not or do you are you constantly whistling there's yeah there's always

a way this is good actually there's always a way to inquire about something that makes it seem like it's coming from a place of curiosity people will sometimes get defensive anyway they will yeah because you got to be really good at it too yeah yeah yeah yeah but because no matter what i say it in a way if it's kind of if it's to kristin she'll be like oh you got a tone and i'm like i really don't i just was curious oh dude i got in i had to leave earlier but i was like should we take two separate cars so i could leave earlier so i could go to my my therapy she was like i don't think so i was like okay then can we leave early enough all of us she's like yeah yeah i think it'd be fine so i said all right i get in the car i'm driving she

gets in the passenger seat we got the kids and the nanny okay so she says i'm driving down the street and she says is it okay for for uh if you're a little bit late to to group yeah of course not to group yeah of course not i'm fucked yeah not because of being late to group no i'm fucked because no matter what i say yes of course yeah and how i say it will be okay well i guess there was one option would be yes it's okay right how i say it what then you go back to how i say it how i say it what then you go back to how i say it you can't you can't no no no it's right here in the car damn yeah it's okay but i thought you said you said you drive separate no she said don't drive oh i missed that part okay yeah so we're in the same car so now it's okay to be literally so now i'm already in the car i can't drive separate so you say and i already asked her

can i drive separate uh you should be saying so you say i don't like how you're not getting this okay well now it tastes your own medicine right yeah because you're the king i'm telling you where everyone is and how many cars we took and and and what i need to do to get where. And I'm doing it all chronologically and how I should do it. And you're just saying like, you took six cars? What if a lawyer did this to a judge? To the jury. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, so now I'm, I got to said i gotta yeah what did you say so what i said was uh oh um she says uh i said well yeah i guess so that's what i said said. And then I had to let her know because what do you think of this? I had to be me to keep being Chris D'Elia. I had to let her know.

So this is just to let you know. So this is why I asked if we should drive separate because I didn't want to because I asked you that and then you said that and now you're not saying that and that's fine. But yeah, I guess I could be late for a group you got it wrong

you have it wrong you don't do I think of it like I've got another crazy layer that's involved to remain crystalia to be crystalia you have to do it a certain way that's not how we think of things to get by and I'm not truly me if I don't let it go if I don't let it go it'll become cancer later that's not accurate though okay there's also another layer though okay well what's the other layer so at least i know before i say when i got into the car i smelled food okay okay i mean yeah but what does that have to do with anything i had asked her before she said could you be late to group yeah we're in the car yeah i said is there food in here somewhere and she didn't answer huh okay that's just weird now i think it's because she was worried about getting there on time and she was doing her makeup and shit then she said the

thing about you doing the group thing so now i say like well this is why i asked you she didn't answer about the food thing though so now i'm deep in the uh-oh but i also want to know if there's food in the car but i can't now ask remember what i said earlier i want to know is there food i'm gonna seem like the biggest asshole but i'm not though but why would you seem like an asshole if you asked again about food i don't understand oh you don't you know number of women but i don't i dude let's play it out dude okay yeah uh can you go say can go earlier to group all you gotta say is go to early group. Can you go earlier to group? Or look, can you be late to group? Is it okay if you're gonna be late to group?

Oh yeah, yeah, I guess. This is, just so you know, this is why I asked if I should drive separately and then you said no, so I thought that that would mean we would all leave for, but it's fine, I guess it's fine if I'm late for group. Is there food in here? You didn't answer if there's late for group. Is there food in here? You didn't answer if there's food in here.

I mean, how do you do it? Well, I mean, like that, I guess. That would have been fine, right? She goes like this. I can't answer that right now. I don't know. I'm stressed getting ready. And so I'm like, she didn't fucking answer.

Yeah. What the hell? And now I'm like, is she bringing food to the thing because we need to set it up or did she leave food in here what what's the deal i don't know i still don't know if there was food in there and dude she she she was saying like i can't answer that right now because it's all you have to say yes or no well i can't answer that anything else that comes up to that you already would have exactly answered it by now and i want to say that but now i can't say that you can't say that yeah but i'm i was so deeply fucked in this situation i was so deeply

fucked were you confused like were you like perplexed as to why she wouldn't just say yes or no about the food i have uh theories okay i think yeah she didn't want to give it to me she didn't want to give me the answer because she wanted to withhold something from me why therapy that's why you know what he was annoying about the driving thing i'm not gonna answer that question isn't interesting how people are i was festering so i was deeply fucked in that situation dude and i don't think i did anything wrong dude as a matter of fact i think i played it right i'm guessing there's something that you are leaving out not on purpose i know that if kristen was here she'd be like oh but this

of course and then i would be like oh well that makes that make more sense yeah but you know we are who we are i want to play this for, and I want to understand what she thinks. Okay. Because... I'm sure she will illuminate things for you. What I just said is such a fucking thing that every guy has kind of been through. And it's just like, dude, I still don't know if there was food in the car. I don't think there was, because after we got out, we got everything out, there was

no food in it. But then I'm like, did she leave? Well, then there's no food in the car. Yeah, but then I want to ask her, did you leave McDonald's in here or something? But then it seems like I'm accusing her of something. Well, why do you even care? There was no food in it but then i'm like did she leave there's no food in the car yeah but then i want to ask her did you leave mcdonald's in here or something but then it seems like i'm accusing her of something why do you even care there's no because i don't want her to leave mcdonald's in the fucking rsq8 dude oh yeah well yeah yeah sure oh that's a dope rsq8 thanks very much why does it smell like burgers yeah is that my wife you can you can also just say why does it smell like burgers in here

before you exit the car in here yeah and she could say you think so or or she would say because this and this is the reason i wish she would just be like i had mcdonald's earlier she probably would if she said i don't know if she would maybe i'm all twisted up yeah I don't know if she would. Maybe. I'm all twisted up. Yeah. Whatever.

You want to do one more? I'm all twisted. What do you think? Yeah, do another one. All right. What's up, Matt? What's up, Chris? What's up, dude?

So my question today is about the afterlife. I was diagnosed with cancer in November. I went through four rounds of chemo. And by the end of Februarybruary i was cancer free diagnosed cancer free but throughout my chemo when i was sick oftentimes i was thinking about if i didn't make it i was doing a lot of research about the afterlife i was thinking about the afterlife all the time every day yeah nearly all the time every day and i wanted to ask your guys thoughts what do you believe i was doing a lot of research about near-death experiences and people who supposedly talk to spirits who

have confirmation that there is an afterlife doing research on people who say there's just nothingness and there's nothing when we die how often do you guys think about this and what are your thoughts on the afterlife thank you well first of, first of all, first of all, I'd like to say thanks for giving me a panic attack. But second of all, no, I'm kidding. I think about it a lot. I used to think about it much, much more, but I still think about it quite a bit. I think pretty specific things. I think that all signs point to there being what this guy is referring to as nothing if that's what you

want to call it but i think ndes are our brains sort of like giving us what we need to be able to transition into a non-existent state without freaking the fuck out yeah but you don't i don't know that that's the thing it's like no i i'm not saying i i know no i know i know i'm not saying you said but it makes the most sense to me that that's what the brain is doing because ndes are generally pretty uniform when you hear people talk about near-death experiences why would you sign an nde for that they they say very similar things and that leads me to believe that there's some process in our brain that our brain does something specific that when it thinks we're dying or in an extremely high stress danger situation, it does this thing that puts us through this experience that we experience as it's going

toward the light we shed all fear and we lose all all whatever about dying and we you know we're we're at peace and we accept all that's whatever it is wow what a cruel trick you know no what a beautiful that's not yeah i know but well okay fine but play it out. You're like this. Oh, oh no. Oh, oh, it's beautiful. Yeah, that is... Oh, oh, psych. No, because you're dead. See, when you're dead, there's nothing. That's why it's not a dirty trick.

It's genius. If that's what it is, the brain is like the most unbelievably amazing... You ever seen my stand-up? It already is the most... You ever seen my stand-up? Dude, the most amazing. You ever seen my stand up? Dude, I don't know if there's an afterlife. I would never say I think there is or there isn't because I have no idea.

And when people talk to you about God, it's super annoying. And when people talk to you about how there is no God, it's super annoying. How would you know? Sure, yeah. How do you know? Well, the only reason to talk about there not being a god is when someone's of course shouting in your face how there is of course of course of course and you know it's it is what it is i just don't think that uh i don't i don't know i don't have

a clue i i fucking hope so well we have a clue in so far as there is no evidence of an afterlife we could say well there's no evidence of an afterlife we could say well there's no evidence of it and so therefore i can't believe in it because to believe in something there would have to be some kind of something to say oh that might be there or whatever right but that still doesn't mean it i guess i guess for me it's like i don't know i think of more a lot of the time i think about ghosts and shit you always talk about like oh there are there ghosts and it's like okay sure where where are the ghosts hey possess me dude i'm red i'm chill like be around me i don't give a fuck

use my body but they don't want to be in your body dude are you kidding me dude no they don't want to they're you're you wouldn't know funny as shit you'd be a funny ghost ghosts don't want to be funny dude i like when people have stories about ghosts are not trying to spook you out. They're just like trying to chill. But dude, that's the thing. Always you hear the thing. It's like, oh yeah, and they were trying to fucking kill my, you know, and move a mirror or something to spook me.

It's like, dude, ghosts don't want to just chill. Right. I think most ghosts do just want to chill. That's why they don't, most ghosts aren't up to anything. So you don't hear about ghosts very often. just want to chill that's why they don't they're most ghosts aren't up to anything so you don't hear about ghosts very often all i'm saying is if if if if there are ghosts out there like possess me hello i am mordor i am mordor from the afterlife wow wow anthony loves Yeah, that's a thing Anthony would like. Yeah.

Cool. If Lord Pierce nerf nerfler. Just rewinding. Just talking in tongues. I am Mordor from the afterlife. I am in Crystalia right now. I am so funny. All right. I'm done. Have you heard the one about i'm done you can what's the deal with cell phones what the fuck i didn't know these would exist i died in the 1200s

what is an iphone let alone a Razer phone? All right. Good? We're good. I don't know, man. You can go further with it. Go ahead. You're telling me...

You're telling me you can call someone that isn't even close to you ah or maya mardar all right all right thanks everybody finish it i love you sign up for uh patreon.com slash life on luxury get that live show in front of your eyes do some giggling do some loving you'll be loving life you said you were done you know thanks everybody we love you