Lifeline - 115. Jealous Of Myself

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

Come see the full taping of our first LIVE show over on ✨ LIFELINE LUXURY: available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 Today, we discuss how to store opened bags of food in the freezer, how to decide where to move with your partner, how to deal with having a monotone voice, and how to get people to believe in you (even if you're an unhinged guy). 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. 📆 Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Okay, now we're going. Okay, now we're going. Yeah, I'm going to be performing actually with Brian Callen in the South Bay Torrance at Machine Gun Comedy at the end. It's called The End.

It's on my website. A lot of dates coming up. Australia, Auckland, New Zealand, St. Louis, Memphis. Check out these. Dallas just went on sale. Wichita. Bing, bing. Oxn Louis, Memphis. Check out these. Dallas just went on sale. Wichita. Bing, Bing. Oxnard, California.

I'm doing a club. Oh, wait. Also San Diego I just posted. Bing. Next month. Peterborough, Ontario, London. I have so many dates. Duluth, Thunder Bay, Lexington, Birmingham, Montgomery, Mobile.

I'm going to be in Alabama for a while there. And then Sioux Falls. Alabama for a while. Yeah, look at those Alabama shows. Yeah. It's like Bing Bang Boom right there. It is. Just Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bang Boom. Yeah.

I don't know if that's going to be... I don't know what it's like there. And I've been there once. You're going to find out. Am I right? Yeah. I think I've played Huntsville. Not one of those, though.

Maybe Mobile. Birmingham or like Bingham Bingbongingham Montgomery Mobile all the good all the hot spots happy birthday to my friend Jeff Gerwood I know it's his birthday so there we go nobody else ever gets a birthday shout out you're gonna give one to Jeff Gerwood he's a good friend I mean I love him I agree

but happy birthday Jeff Gerwood now in more important news than Jeff Gerwood's birthday you're not signed up for the Patreon. You got to get signed up for the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. You got the live show. You got three new drops, at least three new drops every month.

You got to get in there. You got to get in there. The Lifeline live episode is on there, though. It's the best thing. Which I already did say, which is what's interesting about you saying it, too. Well, I was thinking of Jeff Gerwin. And the energy's up today and it feels good. Subscribe to my solo podcast, The Private Record.

New episodes every Wednesday. It's binging and bonging constantly over there. Not a thing. You have a question, you want some advice, you want to click on the link in the description below, or you know what? Just go to watchlifein.com if you want to submit your own. Yeah.

And you want one-on-one advice with me, go to matchlea.com. I tell you what, sessions, there was like a lull at the beginning of the year. Now, dude, every single day,

I'm just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, giving out private advice like a pinball machine. You want the merch? Obviously, you do. Go to lifelinemerch.com and get it all there. Look at this.

I'm looking. Watch, watch, watch. That was was not but i know is that cool not particularly look at that's cool i mean it wasn't for those of you just listening and not watching i'm flipping a magic mind mostly failing at it but yeah no no it's been half and half three out of five you've done four out of six none of them were proper though here watch i'll do it british watch this ready uh-huh no okay that was actually the most bitch one no it was because it fell and you go anyway let's drink it let's drink it i didn't do that let's get our mind clear it's great i didn't say you can't not be ceviche ceviche when you drink something small and the and the pinky goes up dude that's what it's like when someone goes down on you um not me though me it's like this

okay well that's terrible so um godzilla getting getting uh remember the worst laugh dude you know what though what hey June what's up dude

what's up John Lennon um dude I uh hey June I wait dude

let's just relax hold on let's relax here come on we're getting it's a little too hot okay i feel like i came in with big energy and i'm happy about it i have june on my lap for those listening she wanted to be on my lap and now she's on my lap okay all right

rubbing it in because you know my dog's sickly oh yeah i didn't think about that no that's okay but that's sad yeah but it's not you're not rubbing it in no but i brought up dogs you know oh no that's i don't believe that kind of stuff me neither but you don't you do secretly actually you're stupid yeah butters is so butters was dude the the vet called me and she was like you got to do one of four things and one of them was euthanasia. The other one was like let him die in a certain way. And the other one was like try and kind of treat it and like give him like. And the fourth one was like do all the tests and stuff and like, you know, surgery.

Who knows how much that would cost. But what's the underlying thing? He's got like an actual thing that he'll never recover from, right? Yeah. He has a mass in his neck that's pushing up against his thyroid gland. Right, right, right. And it's messing up his calcium really badly. And so we have to give him Tums. Just regular Tums?

Yes, human Tums assorted berries just like so he's just like me now basically yeah and um the doctor's like why don't i i said well look at you know she's like it cost three thousand dollars to do a scan and i'm like just bring him home when she the reason so she was like you can do that but i i actually don't even think it's going to be possible to even when we find out what is, it's very low chance we're going to be able to remove it. Yeah. So I'm like, okay. Just bring him home.

Don't do that. You know? And she was like, she wasn't like leading me into, but she was like, euthanasia is a very viable. Yeah, totally. Yeah. This was two weeks ago. Dude, Butters is like, he seems totally normal.

Butters is the man. Dude, small dogs, they're like tanks. They just don't want to, they don't stop ticking. It's really, really, really weird. But I'm really glad that I didn't choose euthanasia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had two weeks with him now. You know, the owner knows. I'm not saying vets are full of shit. No, no, no. No, I know. They're really not. And I've met some really great ones, but they're often faced with things that they can't

cure so they and they think well quality of life right just no i get it i was thinking oh he's gonna have such a bad because he was not doing well he was like yeah you know yeah and just it was it was bad and now he's better but I mean, he's still got this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be not a long time. But he's just like loving life. But yeah, it's like to have two extra weeks is. That's a lot. So I was so sad.

And now I'm like, I don't want to get my hopes up, but he's doing well. So I'm happy. I'd just be happy you got some more juice, you know? Yeah. Some more juice from the squeeze, from the butter squeeze. You know what I'm saying? So disrespectful about dogs. Nah, I love dogs.

Got one on my lap right now heating up my you know what. All right. Bestiality. My you know what. It's still in the first few minutes. I didn't want to say. I know, but bestiality is okay, right? Yeah, that's probably.

No, bestiality is an okay word to say. It's okay. Hey, you know what? You don't blur out words. I'll have to blur out that word. You don't do that. Hey, you don't blur out words. I'll have to blur out that word.

You don't do that. So anyway, I got the... Well, was it Lifeline Luxury we were talking about it? What? Or was it the regular one? Were we talking about Godzilla? No, it was Luxury. Okay, we were talking about Lifeline Luxury a lot. And guys, you got to go check it out.

Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. I got... I wasn't able to watch Shin Godzilla, right? Right. But now you did? Nick from Golden Hour hooked me up, sent me a thing. What does he mean you weren't able to? You can't, it's like it was one of those movies that was nowhere. Oh, that's so annoying.

It is weird. Old Boy was like that for a long time. Be available every movie. Yeah. And anyway, I don't even know if i actually have no idea if he gave it to him if the link is illegal or not it probably is now that i think about it the fbi bricks in but dude i what i think you stole shin godzilla what i think is we've talked about godzilla entirely too much i know it is true on lifeline uh so we've reached our fill for a Godzilla talk.

So if the reason you're watching is to hear us talk about Godzilla, sorry. You're right. We can go back and rewind a couple other episodes. So it was, but it was my wife and I. By the way, do you think it's weird to say, to refer, like I'm talking. So if I was talking to you i would just say kristin right probably but do you think it's weird for me to say to you my wife on this podcast or should i just say kristin it doesn't matter neither one is weird no okay it's not weird if i'm with

the four of us and i say well my wife you, you think it's weird? Nope. Really? Not weird ever. It would be weird if you said my dad, because he's my dad too. No, no, no, no. I know that, but somebody- I'm just drawing the distinction where the line is. The other day somebody was like, why do you say my wife? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Because she's my wife. Yeah.

Is the right answer. But he's my friend and we were with, I was among friends and he was like- He called you out in front of everybody? We know it's Kristen. And I was like, yeah. What if the truth was because it was someone else? We know it's Kristen. And I was like, yeah. What if the truth was because it was someone else? I know it's Kristen. It's Kristen?

So wait. Anyway, we, it was our anniversary. Yay. How long you guys been together? Married two years, but. Congratulations. The, we watched, she's like, I want to watch a romantic movie. Sick.

I wanted to watch a horror movie, obviously. Okay, well, she won. So what did you guys watch? So I was like, okay, let's watch a romantic movie. She goes, romantic, romantic, in the Apple TV, romantic movie. Yeah. Everything that comes up is like. That's the wrong way to look.

I'm like like oh my god it's got blended you know from adam sandler i'm like babe can we just you know okay not that i love adam sandler but like i don't want to watch this with you know i mean okay so where'd you guys so i say you know what we could watch and uh and she was like what and i was like i don't even know why it popped in my head honestly i've never seen it okay i've always known about it i'll say what it is no i guess it needs a lead up okay 1986 nine and a half weeks oh wow you wow that is romantic to some people okay two have you seen it yeah i've seen it okay when did you see it um i was gonna save to talk i was gonna save this to talk about

congratulations but maybe in my early 20s mid-20s probably so 15 years ago okay so yeah so bro it's not okay yeah there's like really really like yeah yeah yeah yeah i remember yeah it's so talk about a movie that wouldn't be made today unless it'd be a horror right yeah or be like a stalker movie or like a thriller yeah dude really like scary guy i was like oh my god we were like oh my god the famous you. The famous thing about that movie, right, is eating stuff off of people. Yeah. That's disgusting. So gross.

First of all, but there's a big famous sex scene from that movie where they're like eating things off of each other. Is that what that's from? So gross. Is that what that's from? Yeah. Is that what made that popular?

Is that why Chris makes me rub beef off your shoulders? Oh God. So gross. When I'm doing doggy? Oh wow, so disgusting um it's all like gamey so you really gotta deal with the humping and the cutting oh watching Godzilla

so disgusting why are you putting it in from there you know um yeah uh make it a sandwich yeah nine and a half weeks sucks dude it's a really boring bad movie yeah it sucks and then there's another it's the haziest movie there's so much diffusion on every shot of the movie. And there's another one, another nine and a half weeks that came out 12 years later when Mickey Rourke already looked like a baseball man. But she wasn't in it, right? It was just Mickey, right?

No, it was Angie Everhart. Yeah, of course. Yeah, it was trash. I mean, Angie Everhart was never in anything that wasn't trash except Jade. I will never accept something that's trash. Angie Everhart was beautiful. Yeah that wasn't trash, except Jade. I will never accept something that's trash. Angie Everhart was beautiful. Yeah.

Her and so was Kim Basinger. Basinger? Basinger? I don't know, actually. Kim Basinger. Anyway. We should go to submission. Yeah, we should.

We can talk about that more later. What's up, Matt and Chris? Love all your guys' content. But let's get into this. I need you guys to help me settle a debate with my wife. Great. So here's the story. I'm so much right i had a brand new smoothie bag filled with like a mixed frozen mixed berries basically okay i cut open the top with scissors nice and clean

dumped dumped into the blender made the smoothie to put the bag away i crinkle and fold and i'm all up the top i top of the smoothie bag. He's doing this exactly right. To go the extra mile, I even got a Ziploc bag. I put the smoothies in the Ziploc bag. Great. I last got the milk, brought it over. Enjoyed my smoothie.

Put the smoothie makings away. Smoothie makings. I come back the next day. I heard that my wife has also made a smoothie after me. Yeah. So I go and I get the Ziploc bag of smoothie out. I get out of my last box. I reach in the Ziploc bag to pull the bag of smoothies out.

I know what happened. It fucking dumps everywhere. Yeah. It unleashes on me. Oh, no. All over the countertops, all over the floor, everywhere, because she put it upside down in the Ziploc bag. A stupid- I go and approach her and I go, what are you doing? Yeah. everywhere because she put it upside down in the Ziploc bag.

I go and approach her and I go, what are you doing? Why would you put anything in the fridge or the freezer upside down knowing that somebody might have that happen to them? You can't say that to women. You basically assaulted her. And she says, no, no, no, no. It's on you because you need to look and make sure that nothing is upside down or if you're pulling it upright or on a side or whatever. And I say, you psychopath. Just common courtesy.

Leave it upright so that when anybody grabs anything, it's safe. You guys need to settle this for us. I do this, so I know. I know the right. I know the rightest response. if you want to go first go ahead okay so no it's always important to you go ahead it's it's obviously true i think to anyone listening that the way he did it is better let's just face facts there okay but that's not okay that's not the full answer to the inquiry the real deal way to live with someone else is it doesn't matter if it was done right

the first time. If somebody's opened something and put it away their way, and if you're going to use it, you put it away the same way you found it the end. Okay. So even if she's absolutely beside herself, that it's better to do it her way. Yeah. It was already done the original way.

The initial way. The original way. The indigenous way. The indigenous way. And it happened to be the way he did it. So she should have done it the crinkle way. Yeah. And then the Ziploc bag.

All the things he did. Only because she found it that way. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he found it that way, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he found it her way, he shouldn't be like, oh, well, I know a better way. He should have put it back the way he found it, okay? It's all about the way you find it.

Unless you're opening it, then you get to do what you want. Wow. I think... So, okay, help me out here. He was making a smoothie what what is the actual consistency of what he's talking about it's slushy or no it's powder what is it it's a bunch of different things all together that make up like a pre-made bag of things that go into the smoothie okay okay um okay so i do this with pancakes with with uh i have these these protein pancakes that i make sometimes at night and i open the box take the bag out it's like a you know a crinkly bag box

yeah it's a box of pancakes oh okay i mean what else could it be well you could explain as well as he does okay there's a. So there's a box. Yeah, right. I'm with you. I open it up. Oh, okay. Take out the crinkly bag. Toss the box away.

Never see it again. Oh, oh. Bye-bye box. Okay. All right. My dog pisses on it. Yeah. And then I take the crinkly bag.

I open it up. Okay. Now, what happens? Because I open it up okay now what happens because i open it up the these go from it goes from this to this now because it's yes right yeah oh you're being too loud yeah okay but yes everything else is right so now i get the this you're being too quiet i get this i put it in the thing i get the scooper and i put it in the thing. I get the scooper and I put it in the bowl. There's so many steps here. This is out of control. No, I know, but it's just crazy how many steps.

So then I go like this. Well, what do I do with this? The remaining pancake mix that's in the bag. Yes. You don't use it all? No. No. I mean, it's too much. Unless I was cooking for five people. Sure. So what do you do?

So I get a Ziploc bag. And does it originally go in the freezer? Or in the pantry? No, it's powder. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I go, I get a Ziploc bag.

Oh, cute. I go take the Ziploc bag, turn it upside down. All right. Turn the Ziploc bag upside down. Yep. Hood it. Like you're- Fit it over.

Kidnapping someone. Right? Like, hey, I gotcha. Yeah, right. Hey, I gotcha. Hey, where you going? Pancake mix? I gotcha.

You'll never see the light of day unless your parents pay the ransom, you know? Okay, yeah. And then I close it up, right? You're going to grow up with problems. And then I close it up. And I take now the Ziploc part, the zippy part, and I put it on the top. So now the original crinkled- Fold it over.

The original crinkled one is upside down, like how his wife does it. The opening is upside down? Yes. Okay. Like how his wife does it. Okay. Now, then I take the crinkle bag and I pull it slowly out of the Ziploc bag. And now all the powder is only in the Ziploc bag.

I thought he was going to say that's what she did. Now that is the right way to do it. And also use a Ziploc bag because you can see inside. Take away the original bag, use the Ziploc bag. It is, that also is a good way to do it that's the that's the there's that's the best way because there's no question what you're looking at oh hey i see it i got it also i bet that this movies were so gross i bet they're disgusting anything that's like pre put together and then you put it in the freezer first okay then then then yeah okay yeah yeah singing gonna

it's gonna be bad yeah i don't i don't think that that's um i think that's i said it right i killed that one well okay so there there's your answer the the but to to answer your specific inquiry she should have the unspoken rules of living with someone are putting it back the way you found it. We're both right. The end. Hell yeah, dude. We're both right.

Nice. Good job. Okay, next one. So right. Oh my God. Hey, Kristen. Come on, dude. Thanks for taking my submission.

I work at a murder mystery dinner theater. We know. You don't say. I was set in New York in the 1930s. We know. And I'm a bartender there. Chris, I know you got acting in your corner and you bleed New York.

I do. And Matt, I know you're a cinephile and director and all that stuff. So I was wondering if you guys knew like a funny or fun thing to say as a bartender like as an opening line or whatever. Any tips would be appreciated so that i could make more tips and make the experience more enjoyable for the patrons uh

thank you so much chris i just saw you in north charleston um so thank you so much and uh look forward to it bye thank you didn't say liked it okay didn't say liked it no he didn't thank you he didn't say that he worked so hard you worked so hard um no i'm kidding uh really hustled out there on stage it's nice to see people really working hard for their money um no he um so is he asking he wants things that are like of the era yes i think yes okay i you being a director there's a movie called uh shin godzilla white heat that for some reason the prequel to heat the main character played by james cagney uh he when he sees someone he says When he sees someone, he says,

what do you hear? What do you say? Okay? Wow. This is like his greeting, like old timey shit. Got it. Grandpa Bam would have done that. Yeah. Grandpa Bam loved James Cagney.

Did he? Yeah. And yeah, he loved, his favorite thing was when he threw the egg on the woman's face and it just drooped down. That's why he did it to Uncle Vinny. Assault. That's why he did it to Uncle Vinny. De Fenera.

Really? Yeah, dude. Yeah. Whoa, dude. There's a famous family story that my grandfather at the breakfast table with my dad when he was like, I don't know, 10, and my Uncle Vinny when he was like seven. Richard, their other brother, was like a baby.

Vinny was like being nitpicky about his food. He's like cutting his food, like taking too long, and like just being, you know, sort of a neurotic kid. It's weird because he's not neurotic at all. And Bam is getting- Bam is our grandpa's name. More and more annoyed as he's doing it.

So he takes the egg, all in one motion apparently, slides his hand under the egg that Vinny's playing with, and then takes the egg and throws it onto Vinny's face. And it's like a sunny side up egg. And so it's just on his glasses, and it's on his glasses, and it's just fully smashed like a direct hit.

And the egg yolk is just dripping off the front of his glasses. And my dad says, it's the funniest thing ever, but assault. But he couldn't laugh. Oh, right, right, right. As far as everybody can't laugh. Because then he would have been in trouble too. At a different time. Dude, you know what's weird is, bro, I can't imagine doing anything even remotely like that to my kids.

Okay? Okay, yeah. I mean mean i believe that yeah so so what gives yeah different time dude different he's a bam at that point in his life or everyone at that point no i know in history is there different kinds of people that's why presentism is a dangerous thing what presentism what's like thinking like so and so did this a hundred years ago that makes them a bad person and it's like just because it doesn't fit the norms of now while that might be true they might well have been a bad person yeah yeah because not necessarily you would say bam is a good guy yeah of course yeah how interesting you never heard that word presentism no i thought you learn a lot describing Christmas. You learn a lot. You learn a lot.

The art of giving gifts. Yeah. No, you learn a lot on this show from me. No. And it's really interesting for you. And you're really grateful. Who learns more about Godzilla than me? And you think about it a lot.

You think about how much you learn a lot from me. Who learns more about Godzilla? Me. Okay, so... It's all relative. My vote is be like James Cagney in White Heat and say... And throw eggs on your customers' faces. Here's looking at you, kid.

What do you hear? What do you say? What do you hear? What do you say when someone comes to your bar, right? And they'll be like, oh my God, I'm in the 30s. Here's $25,000 as a tip. Yeah, right. And this experience is so great.

Thank you very much. Yeah, exactly. That's fine. What do you hear? What do you say is good. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could say, you know, what is it, the 30s?

And where are you, America? Yeah, New York. I mean, I think if the person's black, you could be like, what are you doing here? Or just not a white guy anybody who's not a white guy you can like you know call for security or just not super shocked or something yeah yeah what are you doing here call the call the call the coppers yeah i mean even like an italian man you would do that about yeah no anyone but white bread white guy. Yeah. Protestant, yeah. There you go. What the fuck are you doing here? Get him out of here.

Call the ambulance now. And then- There's about to be a hurting on him. And then say, no, no, no, just kidding. Please remember to tip well. Yeah. Hey, oh no, what the heck is this guy doing here? These guys aren't allowed.

Tip jobs right over there see um your kind isn't your kind isn't uh tolerated here at all taking it so far taking it absolutely so far don't even know what that last part was the tip jar oh i think actually if you want to do you clearly want to do your homework and care about your job. I think you should just like watch old James Cagney clips from movies on YouTube. It's free. It won't cost you anything. And pick up like four or five catchphrases you could use and you're good. What is your kind doing here?

What do you want to drink? Can't stop doing it, you know? I mean, June. Is um in the shot this is hilarious yeah what do you want to drink what do you want to drink i'll make whatever i want um all right all right new one i like that guy by the way hey chris i'll make this quick i love you guys i love congratulations too i wait for to listen to your podcast in the mornings because i am not a morning person and it makes my mornings so much better awesome but i was calling in regards to the young lady about the bird that wakes her up in the

morning right i'm not a morning person either i hate those little fuckers that wake me up um i'm 47 now i'm never going to be a morning person i've grasped that but anyway what works for me is not necessarily she's 47 she looks she said she's 47 yeah so wow that's amazing that's amazing that's almost 50 it is almost 50 it's three less than 50 is what it is wow that's crazy you're saying what do you think she's 40 40 all right keep going blanket but a pillow and it has to be a feathered pillow whatever is in those feathers blocks the tone of those birds and yeah i'll still hear trucks or something like that but um it works i don't know what it is feather pillow tryed pillow. Try it. Love you guys. I hope this makes sense. I always want an excuse to call.

To call. I didn't call you guys. I wanted an excuse to send a video. Love you. Bye. Nice teeth. She's got great teeth. So you said that kind of with a blanket.

I said about a blanket. But you could do it with a pillow too? She said as long as it's a feathered pillow, which is actually quite helpful. Feathered pillow. Oh, man. the feathered pillow which is actually quite helpful feathered pillow man just the lady who the the first one lady who called in about the bird she's getting a lot of really helpful information yeah we really really hooked her up anybody for free so i would suggest she probably owes it to us to get the patreon or just send us big buckets full of cash right Right. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. But yeah, you call into this show. Either way, we're owed. You send a video to this show. You submit to the show. Guess what? You not only get good advice from us, sometimes you get good advice from people who watch. Exactly.

So there you go. That's a good... I forgot about that. I wanted to try it, but there's no birds. Can you still hear people? Yeah. Well, that's the thing you can hear most things still but for whatever reason birds are operating on some other level of sound

i'm asking about people i already said yes and then i'm saying more things because that's again if you remember that's how conversations but the way you said yes and ran it into the next sentence made it seem like the yes was part of the next thought not an answer to my question and i got out of that one the most annoying human being alive not true let's do another one true no it is true hey hey i died died just died no i just play it greetings matthew and christopher my name is alex from detroit michigan my master stock trader i invented my own proprietary system that doubles your money every year. I'm 1,024 X's your money in 10 years. And I'm not an accredited financial advisor.

So nobody believes in me. And I can't get anybody to get on board and invest with me to. I wonder why. You know, double their money every year. This guy seems really well adjusted adjusted make them richer beyond their wildest dreams they don't think it's real even though i get it all right there in the fucking spreadsheet and i got blankets and bags back here because i have to fucking resort to returning bottles and cans for a fucking living i guess my question is wow how can i get people to believe in me

thanks guys don't send videos like that yeah very very first step there don't act like that ever again in your life is the very very very most important first step the the number one thing is it's disconcerting what's happening it's scary yeah you will scare people when you act like that people go myself included i don't even say this but i go like this oh my yeah right it's it's it's a disconcerting thing and uh right away from jump yeah you go i don't want anything to do with this guy it's a dangerous energy is what it is it's like energy is danger we're trained to you know what's that thing where people don't like to see a bunch of scales or spots together?

What's that thing called? It's like a. Scales or spots. Do you know what I'm talking about at all or no? Okay. Anyway, it's like a. What the heck is it? Like we're hardwired to reject.

Yes. It's like hitting the disgust thing. Yeah. It's like, ah. We're hardwired to reject it because a lot of times in nature that equals poisonous. And this is what you are like yeah you you are an immediate when you do it do do like this and you like a cape fear you know yeah it was like you were being like max katie yeah but and you even looked kind of like max katie when you were doing it yeah it was just it was just planes and max katie for those who don't know, is a very scary movie character. You got to dress. That terrorizes everyone inside.

You got to dress the part. You got to not do different voices, you know. But the main thing, there's one main thing. You cannot be angry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. You can't be angry that no one has. That's it.

You got to be selling it like hey no one knows this yet i do be excited you don't want to be like these last hundred people didn't believe me fuck them and i hope you fucking believe me but you probably won't fuck you too it's more hey i know a secret let me share it with you and be happy about that congratulations no one wants to receive or let an angry person into their life. Ever. I'm so jealous that I don't get to see you again on the last day that

you aren't going to know this knowledge I'm about to drop on you. So confusing. I mean, I think I knew what you were saying, but I'm not sure. I'm so confused by that isn't that amazing god i am so jealous of myself that this is the last day jealous of myself

the one thing you can't be jealous of the only thing you can't be jealous of yeah but point taken now i understand what you're saying yeah man it sucks i'm not going to be able to live this day again man it sucks yeah here i am experiencing in real time the last day you're going to be living on this earth not privileged to know the information that i'm about to give to you and change your life fuck okay the anger the anger's seeping in again what dude could you imagine if a guy started a meeting yeah i can he's like that that's like that guy no my way was way better and funnier but still everyone would not jump on the wagon that you're trying to get people to jump onto.

I don't know. You got to be real charismatic. Yeah, exactly. I might be able to do it. That's my point. Oh, okay. My point is you got to have charisma, not insanity. Every time you raise your voice to any degree, June, the dog in my lap, shakes uncontrollably.

Rubbing it in because my dog's dying. All right, yeah. My dog was shaking uncontrollably. Don't be angry. Don't be scary. Don't be scary. Don't be dangerous. Don't make people want to walk away from you backwards because they don't want to turn their back on you

because they think you're going to do something to them when they turn their back on you. That's it. Those are really simple steps. And those are your most important first steps. Drop the anger. Be excited. Be happy that you're're gonna help somebody get rich

don't be angry that the last however many people you tried to get right to do this right didn't do it thank you okay so shitty to thank you thank you all right new new boy what's up chris and matt long time fan cut to the chase. My girlfriend of two years just recently left abruptly with no pre signs of warning or anything. Just like Chris just now. We have two dogs together she's taking one of the dogs. What? It's kind of her dog and kind of my dog. I have my dog you know we got them together. Right. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the dog as if he's passing away and i know he's gonna be safe right but i don't know what to grieve first and i wanted to see if you guys knew what i should do or if you had any advice

thanks guys big chance damn that's sad i mean i've been through a very similar situation myself um in fact our situation at the time i'm gonna break down in tears you know uh what is sad though sorry you're going through that no that's rough and i've been there and i know firsthand that it's rough and it sucks no matter what which way you look at it um at the time we had a cat and three dogs one of the the cat and one of the dogs were indisputably hers one of the dogs was indisputably mine right the the third dog we got together and that dog liked me more and i remember that loved my dog at the time billy a lot of you might remember billy my favorite dog no offense june and no offense charlie if you're watching butters too you're rubbing it in about how he's butters if you're listening and watching

i'm sorry even though you're dying i still love love Billy more than you. A lot of dog talk. You know, I use a lot of dog talk. Yeah. But this dog only listened to me, never listened to his human mom, and loved my dog more than any other dog in the world. They would literally sleep on top of each other. But, and she did break up with me, but I knew that if I kept the dog, she would have that as a way back into my life.

Oh, my God. And what I knew also, even though, again, she was the one who broke up with me, that I didn't want that. She broke up with you? I think so. Didn't she? I don't think so. But I don't know. It's better for this you're the man no i think i i think it was it might have might have might have i think it was mutual anyway i

think yeah who cares for this sake it's better to say she broke up with me so let's stick with that okay um and so she was like you should keep him. He listens to you only. And despite knowing I would be so sad and I would be more sad about the dog than I would be about her. I knew I had to let her take the dog. And I did. That's tough. And I don't regret that at all.

Now, that doesn't speak to your situation other than this. Sometimes you just have to let go of the things that you love dearly because you know long-term you is going to be better off for it. it wow and i'm not saying that you're better off without this girl i don't know anything about her i don't even know anything about you i don't even know what you look like because you didn't call in with the video it was with just your voice but i don't even know what you sound like she doesn't want to be with you long-term you is better off not being with her yeah and this is the hardest thing to get through especially guys heads but it's true it's it's it sounds kind of backwards because it's like well that's the woman i love and that's why i want to spend the rest of my life with and i just want to

convince her to stay with me and i get that impulse but she wants out and that is that there are two of you you don't get to determine the way life goes alone you got to do it with someone and if someone else wants out there they go that sucks yeah dude it totally sucks and honestly he's right and just fucking love on the dog you do have yeah like when you need it lean on it him or her you know yeah man that's rough that's making me sad there's no way around it though breaking up sucks always every time i've been going through a breakup i've thought why do i ever get into relationships this is fucking horrible yeah why do i subject myself to this and the answer

has nothing to do with me it has to do with the speed our species this is what we do it doesn't matter if we like it or not or if they end well or not we always get back into them god damn it huh yeah what the that's how we're made dude i mean there are exceptions some people do better alone and prefer to be alone but and some people do better in like what are they called polycules like relationships with more than one person but uh for the most part it's just you know couples with more than one person oh but uh for the most part it's just you know couples are there three gay guys in a relationship i'm sure there are are there four i'm sure there are i don't know though i mean at what point are you just kind of hanging out

with everyone probably like you cheated yeah yeah yeah yeah what the fuck yeah that's a good point i think you're six is probably five or six is like at that point you're just like having an having a long orgy you know guess what guys guess what everyone frank cheated really yep he cheated he fucked jim oh no jim's also in a relationship. Oh, shit. That's right. Jim is in a relationship. Okay, Frank's good. Well, there are those Mormon and polygamy sects.

Polygamists. That have like dozens of wives. Well, yeah, I mean. But there's a hierarchy. But yeah, and in a way. And it's illegal. Yeah, but to me, it like the the the all the men if it's all one sex it's funnier because it's like what the fuck you're just kind of hanging out

sure yeah totally it's definitely just nine dudes hanging out just like i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you would get so complicated wow i bet that exists somewhere in a group a group chat. Who wants to fuck? Who wants to fuck tonight? I love all you. What's up, dude? Just, you know. We should look into that.

Nine people relationship? The record for known same-sex polycules. I bet. Could you imagine like 10 lesbians in a relationship together? No. I mean, I can't imagine 10 anybody. It's so confusing. Yeah, but women would always be talking.

You know? I don't know. I think they'd probably figure out a way to not always be talking, you know? Bro, but what about how like when I was with my wife last night and we were at dinner and I was just like, we were talking so much. And I was just like, God damn, we're talking so much. And in the middle of it, I'm like, it's not bad. It's not bad. But it was exactly what she wanted to do, talking like that.

And I'm just like, man, this is crazy. Because I just want to chill so hard and eat this pasta. So if it were up to you, you would be sitting there in silence? That's so weird. Not silence. But we wouldn't be talking about... We'd be talking about way less stuff and like serious, you know? Less serious stuff?

Yeah. We talked about some beautiful things, honestly. And I think it was great. Sounds like it was a great time. I had a great time at blast so then what is the thing if you were leading the charge alone there would have been less we would have talked about pants and shit and like you know silly things yeah yeah oh you suck yeah i suck i just want i i just want i don't want to feel anything a music song a song came on the other day and I was just like, wow, that feels so hard. And I, I didn't want it on, but I was in the place where it was on and there was nothing

I could do. And so I just started getting emotional and I'm just like, God damn it, dude. You could have done something. Left? You could have gone, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Then, then, then, you know, other people are controlling my, my emotions and other people are controlling my mood emotions and other people are controlling my mood my actions rather uh sir deeper dude it's okay to feel a certain way it's not okay to

then act on it in that way you know i'm so i see yeah um i could be i could be really really angry at you that's on me if i punch you that's not cool yeah okay well i agree now that's obvious though um what unless you fuck my wife that's how you confront me that's how you confirm i want to know something raging bull um raging bullshit um what was i gonna say oh i agree like when you're just like sitting around the house and your girl is like wants to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk then i get it but if i'm at a fucking restaurant no i know i'm joking okay but but also it's different when you're at a restaurant you're talking about something real that's okay sometimes a woman will just talk about these cool hats she saw and she'll do it for

like 12 minutes well you would do that but yeah and you're like oh my god like are they going to talk about how they were in like the inland empire and like what what's it like out there and why is like the inland empire like its own thing and why is it like drab there and you're just like i don't know sounds great sounds like a great conversation like i don't know and they're like yeah because you know there's just like malls and like who even really goes to malls anymore and you're just like and like you just go to online shopping like you get amazon like you go to these places and they're and it's like it's like it's like there's like a tuxedo shop in the mall that's closed down and it's like that closed down six years ago and nobody's gonna buy that uh store and be in the

mall anymore because malls are just headed down a fucking uh nowhere nowhere path and you're just like this the worst conversation list in the world you in this in this scenario yeah because you're sitting like this or even worse a woman will talk about something that i would want to be in that mall conversation i'm just saying so do a different one even worse a woman will talk about something that an idea they have that they want to do that they're never going to do that's well that gets tricky because then you're you're being like a pre-cog be cool and it's insulting to tell someone they're never going to do it oh fuck you know what would be cool and you go oh we're never gonna do this i know what yeah we should we should buy two tents right that kind of you're just like oh yeah yeah you know because i saw you know at

sport chalet they have a a thing i was driving by and this is why i thought of it and you gotta sit there dude and just be like this oh yeah yeah and you know like a lot of times it's actually really good for the and you're just and you're i can i oh shit man i gotta go and you're a dick if you do that so great making this no matter what you're making this your therapy session all right let's do another wow you know nice save at the end let's do another one best hair ever his hair is the ocean gonna sneeze why is everyone gonna sneeze in the uh so poetry oh hey guys it's me again first time caller so i'm very monotone in the way that i speak oh i know i've been this way my whole life and constantly i'm being asked could i sound less enthusiastic funny could you sound more excited and the answer is no and i've always had this answer of no this is just who i am i'm not gonna like put on this weird performative thing to sound more excited because me getting excited it's just

my eyes going up just a little bit yeah i basically know what to say at this point and it's to go fuck yourself and this is who i am but i'd like to just know what you guys might say to this constant annoying thing okay thanks bye i love you bye okay thanks well honestly i would i would i would straight up if it was like that and it was constantly coming up, when I met people, I would be like, yo, just so you know, this is my shit. It doesn't mean I don't like you. It doesn't mean I'm not excited.

It doesn't mean that you got to feel a certain way about it. I get excited. You're not going to be able to tell. That's it. Don't want to talk about it. I'm Greg. I agree with you and I agree with him, but I somewhat recently had a conversation with someone

that opened my mind a little bit about this because I was making the case that Greg just made. Well, I don't know if that's really his name. I just said Greg.

Didn't he say Greg at the end? Was that only you? No. Wow, how weird. That's so weird that my brain did that. Okay, so I'm going to call him Greg. So he's Greg.

Okay. And I no wow oh weird that's so weird that my brain did that okay so i'm gonna call him greg so he's greg okay and uh i make that case all the time like it's not about necessarily excitement but it's like people think i'm in a bad mood yeah which is so fucking annoying yeah and i think a lot of people can relate to that exactly but the person i was talking to kind of got me when i was like why would i smile when i'm don't feel like smiling even though i'm happy that like synapse or whatever isn't happening in my brain to make me naturally smile who said this so why would i smile you said this i'm saying this yes right yes and then the person says back to me the reason you

would smile is to signal to people how you feel so that they know so that you are more understood and i was like damn you're friends with dollism so stupid i was like damn that is that's that makes sense yeah in a way it's like the last thing you're doing you're helping your future self yeah and it would help me in that moment not have to have people be like hey are you upset but then here's the here is where the problem comes when you do the smile it feels fake and. And what sucks about what Greg's talking about is that on the inside, you feel like a fucking faker. And that's worse than any of the things. So it's this constant push and pull. So here's what you do.

Of feeling like maybe you're feeling like a faker and also letting people know how you really feel on the inside. Get two hooks. One here, one here. A short piece of wire tied behind it so it's constantly. Well, no, then you'd be lying. What you want is to have them ready, and then the wire comes all the way down to your sleeve,

so you, and in between your fingers, there's a wire. No, because then you can just smile. No, but then you'll feel fake. You won't feel fake if you're just pulling the thing. It's a fake smile. But you won't feel like, I'm lying to these people, ha-ha, but your face is being manipulated by you, and you won't feel like i'm lying to these people haha but your face is being manipulated by you and you don't feel like that that that is the same thing as smiling yourself no it's not bro i don't want to get into a fucking huge fight about this it's the same no it's not dude because making yourself smile no If you have the muscles. Using the muscles and making your face smile feels worse than having hooks in your cheeks.

I know. And pulling a string and making your face do it without you meaning to. Because then people know, oh, he's not actually smiling, but he's still making his body manually smile, signaling to me that he's in a good mood. Yeah. It's the best way to do it what i said but then you always have a smile that sucks unless you're not happy then you take it off oh oh oh what did you not understand i thought you're saying you keep it on and it's on all the time no okay so when you want to smile yo i'm happy okay so then you just have the smile on until the happiness goes away you take

it back okay someone pissed me off yeah yeah and then is there like a case for you can't have that shit in your pocket oh here comes tim i love tim okay i get it now yeah that's good it's a little yeah okay a case for it yeah like ipod pro because it's spiky with the hooks you gotta yeah you couldn't just put them in your pocket you know you could do what was really cool is you just kind of hang them off your shirt like oh that sunglasses dude it's gonna be like an accessory a style bro we are gonna be friggin millionaires please nobody steal please nobody steal this idea it's a really good idea all right cool but i feel you greg and And it's tough. It's kind of this like constantly weighing what feels worse, feeling fake or not being known. And it just sucks.

Some people have a, me, it's like my resting face and my voice. For you, it's your voice. I get it, dude. It sucks. Oh, dude. Oh, Lisa's coming. I love Lisa.

So like not spontaneous, you know know getting it untangled yeah wow you know meanwhile lisa's like chris what are you doing hey what's up how are you yeah that's right you're bleeding a little bit oh you got those hook smile things yeah cool well that's a great idea okay

yep next hey Matt and Chris hope you guys are having a good summer so far i wanted to get your opinion on moving or uprooting your life for your significant other if i give you all the details it would take way too long but uh classic story me and my boyfriend have been together for four years we've've talked about marriage. We live together. We have pets together. She has a shit of tail together. And I just started my dream job and he's getting his dream job opportunity, but they don't line up in the same place. Damn.

So do you, have you done it before? Do you know people who have done it before? Does love conquer all or did they end up resenting each other? Please let me know. I would love any advice you have to give on that subject thanks oh man that is brutal the dream job thing makes it impossible yeah i know if it was just a job that made that i would say i guess the

question is is the dream job possible whose dream job is more likely to be possibly gotten where the other person has to go right yeah and but that's like even that's it's such a crap shoot it depends on i don't know what the jobs are so it's actually not possible for us to say right now but i don't i you know what uh i guess you know what i have been in this situation. It wasn't a dream. I didn't have a dream job though. And neither did she. She hated, she hated her job. Okay.

I mean, so, so different. But my job was mobile. I could go wherever I wanted, but here's where it's so different. Here's where it's similar. She wanted me to move to where she was. Okay. And I was like, oh, so different. So different though.

But I said, no. Right. Yeah. Okay. And if she's asking if we regret it or not, I don't regret that. At the time, it made my relationship really, really, really bad and definitely contributed to its dissolution. But we would have broken up anyway. Right.

For one reason or another. We did break up for other reasons. Yeah, but how old were you? In my early 30s. Oh. I wasn't that young. I didn't up for other reasons. Yeah, but how old were you? In my early 30s. Oh. I wasn't that young. I didn't even know that happened. Yeah.

In Vancouver? You know about this. No. Okay. Well, whatever. I'm not going to say the person's name on air, but. Yeah. Craig?

Was it Craig? It was Timmy. Anyway. Yeah. Um, anyway, uh, yeah, I, I think you probably, the, the, the likelihood for resenting someone for making you give up your dream job is really high. So I don't know what the solution is here, man. Uh, I mean, what about, could you try to do long distance? I mean, I don't know how far it is.

Like if one's on the East Coast, one's West Coast, it's probably impossible. But I actually think that that is a better thing to try first yeah right because what if you're one of you doesn't like the job as much as you thought you would yeah or dora you know what i can't do this i love her too much i love him too much it doesn't matter it's not worth it yeah i think i would say i would argue that that's what you do that's a good good plus then there's less uprooting you're the guy who's going far away for his job can get like a little place just for himself it doesn't cost that much money and it can be just like a little temporary thing or yeah or you could and then you could just move into whoever moves into

the other one you know i'm saying right you know or you could look for a place together because you don't want to you don't want the guy to get some great place and he has to figure out how to give it up. No, right. Yeah. Plus it'd be expensive to get a place there, you know? Yeah, but everyone just lives in apartments though, you know? I mean, maybe unless they have like a lot of money. What if they're rich? But they're probably not because they're- Dream jobs.

They're young and talking about how they finally just got their dream job. So probably not. Also, look, if one of you is- I probably not also look if one of you is i'm like sherlock if one of you was like skirting the kind of unspoken rules and like your dream job is like you know uh fucking desk clerk somewhere like yeah true true true true you better be actually talking about your dream job like architect farming partner at an architecture firm that like you've been trying to get something like oh i i fucking get to grow the greatest coffee beans in costa rica that i've always wanted to do you're not going to work at fucking claire's

accessories all right so right so don't come at us with this thing where it's oh it's my dream job and you're just like someone's assistant okay that's not a dream job yeah dude you're not a fucking oh yeah oh yeah i got my dream job oh what size of the matrix reloaded shirt would you like it's hot topic fuck off dude yeah grow beans in costa rica don't come at us with that shit grow beans in costa rica or bust yeah uh but that's so hard there's no right answer but i think you have to try long distance at first to see if both of you can have all of the things and then work downward from there. But also, like he was saying, it gives you the option of being like, oh, wait, this isn't my dream job.

Or it is my dream. I don't care about it nearly as much as I care about being around you. And then you start to then now we're cooking with gas. Now we got options. Now we're talking about we can do this. We can do that. We can do the other thing. But when it's all theoretical,

who could possibly know what's best? And then giving that up and never even trying it at all, that is a recipe for not just regret, but resentment. And you don't want that. Godzilla. Bada bing bong. Why did you say Godzilla? Because we hadn't said it in a while.

A crazy guy. I wanted to keep it in theme. A completely crazy guy. I thought we moved on from Godzilla. I thought we moved on from Godzilla, finally. That's what you thought. June has been on my lap this entire time. I don't care.

I don't care. But they want to know. Look, you can see one of her ears. I don't care. I don't... You they want to know look you can see one of her ears i don't care i don't you know it's like that's cool i'm so jealous she didn't sit on your lap dude well you keep bringing up dogs you know my dog's dying and that's pretty shitty right because now just the point of it is pretty shitty japanese hi juni shimi adam sandler

you know the worst this is that it was a really good podcast this is the worst moment of our podcast of all time juni shimi a fucking you know, a nuclear power plant disaster. You remember Junishimi? In 2006? Oh, man, dude. People still died from Junishimi. Dude, June knows everybody's laughing at her and she feels bad. You know?

It's okay, June. Okay. Does it look like I'm jerking off? No. No. No. Because you can't see and I'm like bouncing a little bit? Just got demonetized in the last moment.

What? Just got demonetized in the 11th hour. All right. So go to chrislee.com and get the tickets. They're going fast. I'm going to be in San Diego and I'm going to be in Torrance and I'm going to be in Australia and Duluth and- Dallas. So different.

So different. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ways to Dallas. Dallas. Subscribe to my solo podcast, the private record. It's got bangers every Wednesday, new episodes. And of course,

subscribe. If you are not yet to our Patreon at patreon.com slash lifeline luxury, you can get the one-on-one with me. Give you great advice at Matt. Leah.com. You want to be on this show? Do you, do you, do you do you do you

do it ask us for good ask us stuff we get good advice at watchlifeline.com or at the hotline like that one guy did it was the saddest submission ever but it was a good it was a good one uh and of course get the merch at lifelinemerch.com oh listen to the listen to June no she fucking thought you were talking to her and she stopped good 5,500 people died in Junishimi to shimmy.