Lifeline - 140. The City In My Mind

Episode Date: December 15, 2024

LIFELINE ✨LUXURY✨ is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. Our Patreon is also the exclusive home to all the live podcasts which we film and upload! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline TODAY we talk about one of the most classic relationship questions of all time, vouching for someone when you don't know everything about them, how to put vibes out for men (as a woman), and giving nicknames to yourself. 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. More Matt D'Elia: Sign up FOR FREE For Matt's Patreon for all episodes of The Private Record and upcoming drops of Matt D'Elia is Confused Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More Chris D'Elia: Congratulations podcast: congratulationspod.com Live on tour: chrisdelia.com/tour More LIFELINE: Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices. Uh, nope, you're on your own there.

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Cause I love going to Brea California, honestly, and doing shows. Then I'll be in Fresno. Then I'll be in San Luis Obispo. Then I'll be in Covina. Then I'll be in Santa Barbara. Then I'll be in Torrance. Then I'll be in, wait, no, what?

No, Tacoma, not Torrance, Tacoma, Washington. Sorry to make everybody J-I-Z-Z in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a,? No, Tacoma, not Torrance, Tacoma, Washington. Sorry to make everybody J-I-Z-Z in Torrance, even though I'm not gonna be there. Anyway, I'm in Rio, Texas, Lubbock, Texas, bunch of different places. Denver, Denver, what's up Denver? So mix a lot. What's up Denver, what's up?

I'll be there, go to chrisley.com and get tickets. What's up, Dan? What's up? I'll be there. Go to Chrisley dot com and get tickets. It's episode 140. Lifeline and it is Sunday, December 15th. Woohoo! Nicholas Cage. Two weeks or not even less than two weeks before. Cremas and I want to get somebody a subscription to Lifeline Luxury. You already got it. You realize how good it is. Make sure you give the gift that never stops giving.

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And my Patreon's free, though. Nice segue. Patreon.com slash Matt and Leah. Get in there while it's free, baby, baby. Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, kitty cat. And did your dates, that's interesting. Wanna one on one with me?

Go to Matt and Leah.com, I'll save your life. Guaranteed. I guarantee to save your life. Guaranteed. Wow. I guarantee to save your life. And of course. What if your life's not in jeopardy? Don't call me. Don't bother. The Lifeline merch is available at lifelinemerch.com.

That also makes great holiday gifties. Look. What? This is the grow or die one. Okay, well that has nothing to do with me. I know, I know, but. Well, you direct the special. Yeah, but I don't or die one. OK, well, that has nothing to do with me. I know, I know. But will you direct the special? Yeah, but I don't get any money from that.

So I don't care. So anyway, I've been wearing my glasses for three days. Yeah, why? You never wear glasses. I have a really dry left eye. And I went to the doctor, and he gave me eye drops. And he said, it's just that I have a dry eye.

And it's not nothing. He said, maybe you scratched it, but I don't know. Where's doctor? It was cool, but no, the doctor's awesome. He gave me a prescription before I even went in. And then when I went in just to check and he was like, yeah, it'll be fine. So I was like, all right.

So what is the deal? Any follow up questions? Yeah, what's the deal? You just have to wear your glasses now forever?'ll be fine. So I was like, all right. So what is the deal? Any follow up questions? Yeah, what's the deal? You just have to wear your glasses now forever? I don't even think I have to, but I'm, he thinks it'll be, it is better now than it was three days ago. Three days ago, it was so, it was running,

the opposite of dry. And every time I woke up, it was super dry. And then all day, it would just be like running. Water. Isn't that interesting? Water. Did we talk about that here? What's interesting?

We did. It's not interesting. It's so not interesting. Oh, I see. I know. So anyway, I look like I've been crying for my left eye and that's good. And my lips are super chapped. My've been crying for my left eye. And that's good. And my lips are super chapped.

My nose is infected. And my throat hurts. Nice, dude. But I tell you what, everything's getting better, dude. I don't go, hum, hum, that much anymore, because I finally figured out what the problem is. Took you long enough. Well, the doctor did it in two seconds.

It was literally like a year, you know? The doctor did it in two seconds. It was literally like a year, you know? The doctor did it in two seconds. More than a year, right? Yeah, it was more than a year, yeah. And the doctor was just like, oh. That's so weird. Take this. Had your only symptom was going sometimes.

Well, no, I also had like crust in my nose and stuff. I'm really attractive, so I can say that stuff. Absolutely disgusting. But yeah, so that's really what's been going on in my life. And I just, you know, just what's been going on. Anything new with you? What's new with me? Gonna pull out a knife and stab me.

What's new with me? Yep. My house is just always, there's always something wrong with it. It's like that movie, The Money Pit. Yeah, welcome to being a homeowner. Yeah. Period.

It wasn't like that for the first few years that I owned my house. It wasn't? Then you're lucky. Then suddenly it was, dude. Suddenly my house is falling apart. Money Pit, the Musical. No, that's a song by Billy Ocean.

Suddenly life has new meaning to me. That is not a song by Billy Ocean. Yeah, it is. It is? Why does it sound like a show tune? Well, I make it that way. I chrysified it. So how does it really sound?

Suddenly life has new meaning to me. So it sounds exactly like you first said. Well, I mean, you know, I took it down a little bit from the show, Toonzy, but that's how it goes. And it's Billy Ocean. And you know Billy Ocean from, get out of my dreams,

get into my car. Ooh, I said, hey, hey, you, you get into my car. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. A fucking predator singing that song, you know? Why predator? Hey, you get into my car? Oh. That is so not.

Dude, it's weird. It's weird that you used to be able to make 80s pop songs just like, I'm fucking watching you through the window, jerking off. There's also- I got my balls in my left hand, whoops, squirting on the window pane. There's also tons of shit from before that, like The Beatles, Gary Puckett, like there's like-

Kirby Puckett? What is the one song? The Beatles song. She was just 17. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you creep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. You creep. But in the 80s, it was just like fucking. Standing outside your workplace, balls pressed up against the wall. You fucking looking at me. You call the cops a cop.

Show up and don't do shit. I'm jerking off watching. Bit anything. And then they put it in like the movie Mannequin and it'll be in like a montage. Did we talk about I Got a Woody on this podcast? Damn it. That song was good.

Circular motion on your fucking car window in traffic. Been in it through, I get out of my car. Yo, fucking, as luck would have it, my pelvic region is right the size of your window. Driver's seat. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Getting out of traffic, humping on your window, fucking grabbing, grabbing the top of the car, really making sure I got a good fucking grip on the car. My fucking top of my feet are under the car and I'm gripping them from the bottom. Fucking mashing my dick on the fucking wind.

Don't open it. If you open it, then you get it all in your face. Just on fucking, you know, over the, on the movie Over the Top montage, Stallone's just, just on the, montage Stallone's just just on the stick just mashed up against dick like this.

And then it squirts, but it's mashed up against the window and it squirts so it goes like this. It looked, you know what I mean? It's like one of those fucking, it doesn't like shoot out. It just goes because it's up against the window. It's like one of those fucking, it doesn't like shoot out. It just goes, because it's up against the window. Fucking disgusting. I'm fucking met circular motion in the driver's side of your window. Go ahead call the cops. I dare you.

And then cuts to Judge Reinhold. Being silly or whatever. Judge Reinhold cuts to Judge Reinhold being silly or whatever. Judge Reinhold cuts to Judge Reinhold being silly, you know? You're fucked. My friend's on the other side. Dick's coming in the window. Anyway, so- You have so much energy, dude. That's what I've been up to. Dicks coming in the window. Anyway.

So much energy, dude. That's what I've been up to. Dude, I don't always, but I'll tell you what I do. I live in and I live inside my head. Oh dude, you mean you're like everyone? No, no, no, no, no, no. That's interesting, because that's what everyone does. No, no, no, no, no, That's interesting, because that's what everyone does. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, people may have like tents in their minds. They may have like a setup or a kitchenette at best. Bro, it's the fucking Sims in my head.

Dude, I go in, I create houses, I create very livable situations for me, and that's it. And I have like fountains and parks and I'm there and I'm living dude I'm living there you understand if I need if I need groceries I go to the grocery store in my mind and I go and get groceries that's how hard I live in my head I live in my head so much that it's unfucking believable and I dare anyone to test me about it. In a psychiatric ward, just fully committed in a psychiatric ward, what you're saying. Well what I'm saying is people have maybe tents or kitchenettes in their minds and I

have a full blown hustling bustling city. In a psychiatric ward. And so if I'm like, you know, thinking about mashing like a world where in the 80s, somebody mashes their penis up against a driver's side window during a montage and it doesn't squirt because the window's there so it goes, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying.

You explained it three times. Then I live there. I live, that's the freeway I take to go home in my mind. Gay, absolutely gay. Just ragingly homosexual. Dude, like people don't fucking, people, you know, I'm tired of people just saying like, I'm like really about that life, okay, that's what I'm trying to say

I'm really bout that life. I'm bad about it when it comes to living in my head. All right You've said nothing The totality of what you just said the sum of it is nothing I would disagree Yeah, I know. Should we start or do you you want to keep discussing how you live inside your head? I don't give a fuck, dude. OK, well, clearly you're knocking everything over. Yeah, but I'm just saying, it doesn't matter what we do, man. OK, then let's start.

All right, you sure? Yeah, yeah. Hello. Hey, Chris and Matt. Huge fan. Kaia here from Texas. Thanks. So I work in an office, and there is a UPS guy that comes in every day,

delivers a package. I'm in love with him. Love at first sight. I don't believe in it, but I'm like, oh my gosh, infatuated. But I'm like, okay, this could also just be a crush. I'm also a firm believer in the guy making the first move, but like he doesn't know if I'm interested or if I have a boyfriend or my situation,

just I don't know his. But I'm really nervous to like say, hey, what's your name? Or I'm trying to go fast because I'm on my lunch. But I don't know if I should be like, hey, you're really handsome or hey, what's your name? You're really cute. Like I don't know how to put it out there that I'm interested other fast because I'm on my lunch. But I don't know if I should be like, hey, you're really handsome, or hey, what's your name? You're really cute, or like, I don't know how to put it out there that I'm interested, other than just being like.

I know how. And like staring him in the eye and then saying, have a great day, bye. I know how. But like, how do you do it? How do you all do it? As a guy, wouldn't y'all wanna know? I have a girl's name on my finger.

I already know. Don't you just wanna know? Anyway, let me know. Thanks, bye. Yeah, he. When I deliver a package, I already know. He likes you because you're pretty. And if he's single, he wants to date you.

So it's very simple. Yeah, he probably does, yeah. Write him a note, because you know he comes every day. The day you feel like feeling yourself, have the note ready. Like a bunch of magic. And when he comes into the office and he leaves, act in the office, like if you're worried

about people seeing, act like, oh, that guy just dropped something. Run outside and say, hey, you left this inside, to the guy. So you don't have to deal with any awkwardness or whatever. And have the note say what you want to say, give him the note, go inside before he reads it, and then if he can't make any kind of move, if he's married or whatever, then it doesn't have to be awkward.

I guess, yeah. And then you don't have to make it awkward inside your workplace for you and your coworkers. Yeah, but- Why do you, what? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could do that, you could do all that, but I think it's way easier than that. Go ahead. You could do all that. But I think it's way easier than that. Go ahead. You just go, you just.

Where do you say it? You don't even have to say it. Just act a little bit more flirtatious. That's less direct than what I'm saying. My way is so direct and so straightforward. There's no potential mixed signals. There's no wasted time. There's no potential mixed signals, there's no wasted time, there's no misunderstandings, and there's no pressure, like there's no

prying eyes. But this is why I say what I said. She wants it to be... The guy that makes the first move, she said that. She doesn't care. She just is like, how do we get to the next step? Okay, well she did kind of say that, but okay, yeah, I understand what you're saying. I think the end justify the means OK, fine. But like, you know. But she isn't saying, I'm waiting for him to make the move. No, no, she didn't say that. How do I make him make the move?

She's saying, he hasn't made a move. And like, I want, I'm attracted to him. OK. So yeah. OK. Also, that's like a cute thing to do. Yeah, yeah. I've done it.

I've done exactly a version of that. Oh shit, you dropped this? Yeah, a version of that. And what if a woman did it to you? How would you feel? I feel great. If the note is nice and flattering, what is the downside?

No, it's nice, but I go like this. I crumple that note up or I wipe my ass with it and I say, give me your number this way. You don't, it's not up to you, dude. Crumple it, what do you, what way? She goes, oh, hey, look, did you drop this? And I go, huh? And I look at it and I go.

I'll take your number my way, not the way you just did it. I mean, okay, she'll go away. She goes like this. Yeah, she was like, did he wipe his ass with that? Hey, what's this? Oh, I dropped this? I don't remember having this piece of paper on me. No, but you did.

I don't remember, actually. No, but I think you did. Just the biggest idiot ever. Should I open it? Yeah, let me open it. Oh, oh, this, oh, I get it. I'll go the front way. Give me your number.

She's like, it was in there. I know, but it has shit all over it right now. So. Ha ha ha. You want me to use the shitty one? I mean, I guess I could. So, yeah, I don't know, man. Yeah, I did it right.

And anything you say is less good, so we're good. Anything you say could be used against you. Anything you say is less good than what I said. Yeah, I mean, that's fine. And yeah, you're cute. You're young. You're good looking. Just be like, hey, what's up?

Let's go see fucking. The only problem you're going to run into is if he's taken. That's it. Right. So like, he's gonna like you. Don't worry about that. Okay. Yeah. I mean, she's cute.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she is. But people don't, that's not it for people. Sometimes it's just, there's gonna be more than that. You know? Yeah, I'm not saying they're gonna get married. I'm saying he'll hang out with her at least once. She's attractive and he's single. He's not gotta be more than that. You know? Sometimes I- Yeah, I'm not saying they're gonna get married. I'm saying he'll hang out with her at least once.

She's attractive and he's single. He's not gonna be like, ah. Maybe. No, what I said. Okay. Thank you. I just, you know, it's like, yeah, okay. All right, great.

Good job. Way to go everybody. Dude, when they go, when their fucking dick is against the window and it goes, it's like, uh, the sh- it looks like one of those, you know, the sharper image lights with the lightning, with the circular globe, and then you touch it and it goes, and then the- What is that? You know, and the sharper image.

Like a, like a lava lamp? Or Brookstone. Not really, the electric ones. Okay. Okay. What? What, uh, let's do another one. Not really the electric ones. Huh. Okay. Okay. What? What? Uh, what's doing?

All right, next one. What's up Chris and Matt? I'm just laughing at guys who make up their own nicknames. Oh, that's terrible. I'm an iron worker and these guys love doing it. We've got some good ones like Skydog. Oh. Buffalo, Turbo.

Oh, they're American gladiators. I love you guys, peace. Dude, Sky Dog is the worst one. I used to live with this guy in New York, a bunch of us lived on this shitty ass apartment and we were coming up with a nickname. In the process of like, a nickname had just come about. It's also definitely okay to do it if you're in school.

And he literally said, like, he was like, nah, I mean, like, people usually call me Mikey Coles. And it was like, we were like, oh dude, nobody's ever gonna call you that from now on. Mikey Coles, dude. Oh, that is like fucking, that is face punchable. Yeah, but we didn't punch his face, but we certainly never called him Mikey Coles dude. Oh, that is like fucking, that is face punchable. Yeah, but we didn't punch his face, but we certainly never called him Mikey Coles.

No, people just call him Mikey Coles and be like, oh, he's punching his face. You gotta get your face punched, you know that, right? Put your arms behind your back. Also guys come up with nicknames for other guys that are like, not just pure flattering sounding cool. It's like, it's like, it's like. Clit head.

First of all, it has to be a thing that comes about. You can't just be like, I want this nickname. That's not how that works. That always makes me think of Jay-Z when he was like, that's how you think I got the name Hov? Like you said, hey, you know what? Actually they call me Hov. Yeah.

What is Hov? Hova, Jehovah, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus Christ. That's what he's saying? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that that is what he, Iover, Jehovah, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus Christ. That's what he's saying? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that that is what he, I know what Jehovah is. That's what he's referring to? I know, I know you do.

I'm saying that's what he was referring to. That's why they call me Hove. Because you said, hey, do you guys actually mind if you call me Hove? Fuck, that's so. Anyway, it's not true what happened a long time ago in what they're saying. I'm Hove. Fucking Jay-Z, it's not true what happened a long time ago in what they're saying.

I'm home. Fucking Jay-Z, dude. You know? Anybody, you guys ever heard his really, really early music? Yeah. I don't mean his solo shit. I mean, he was a part of that group. Oh, no, no.

It's so corny, I love it. Fuck, what's the name of that group he was in? Can you look that up? The Beatles? No, the Rolling Stones. Or The Temptations. The Rolling Stones. Or the Temptations. The Rolling Stones. Fuck, I remember I had the...

He's just like, huh, yeah. Was it Hypoten? No. The originators? I don't know, no. I don't even know about it. Go to Google Images. I'll know it from the cassette cover.

Yeah. What's the one? Wow, the worst outfits. Jeez, there's so many. Dude, style is crazy how it huh. Yeah. What's the one? Wow, the worst outfits. Jeez, there's so many. Dude, style is crazy how it changes. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I never really liked Jay-Z.

What, as a rapper? Yeah, as a musician. You know, he had some fucking bangers, dude. Yeah, yeah, he had- What was the album? Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam What was the one with the Hard Knock Life on it? That, that, that's- What album was that? Volume Two.

That's the one I remember the most. Yeah, but that fucking, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. You know that one? Who you went- Hawaiian Sophie, what group did Hawaiian Sophie? The originators? No?

Oh, he was on J.O.'s tracks. I got it, okay. 99 problems, bro, come on. So many J people. That 99 problems video is sick, dude. I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one. Now it is. So sexist.

It is now though. If you've been looking in the media anyway, call me Hov. I got one big problem pretty much right now and it's a bitch dude he was on a song with ho with Big L yeah that's how Jay-Z got his break as a solo artist it is that's what it says oh big L dude didn't he dead big L rest in peace young right yeah he got shot he was was the shit, dude. In Harlem. Me too. Honestly, me too, dude. Yeah? Yeah, I got shot in Harlem.

It's crazy. Anyway, oh man, Big L. That shit was... Big L was a fucking man. He was great. He was really young, huh? 26, I think. Whoa. I think.

24? What? What? He had a song with Tupac. That song ripped. He was so young. Coleman, is that his name is Coleman, Mikey Coles? Mikey Coles, dude, this is him. What was his first name?

Go scroll up. Lamont. Lamont Coles, dude. Lamont Coles. Wow, that is so somebody that I would go to school with in New Jersey. It's unbelievable, dude. That's such a, I mean, he probably was one of the-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just another one of those people that we went to school with in New Jersey. Yeah. All right. All right, next. Hey Chris and Matt, Ryan from Dallas, Texas. Got a question for you.

What's up, Ryan? And I'll jump straight to it. It's in regards to a friend asking for a favor. Here's some context. This is a really old friend of mine. We go all the way back to junior high high school. That's 20 plus years. We naturally just kind of went apart. I moved to a different state. He stayed local. Nothing ended on bad terms. We just don't talk as often. We haven't

spoken in four or five years. He reaches out to me the other day and asks me to refer him for a job at a company that I work for. Unfortunately, here's my dilemma. I don't know his work ethic. Not really sure if he's a great worker. Don't know if I want to put my name on it, as it could look bad for me. But I'm a good guy, so I just don't know. I'm torn.

What would you guys do? Would you refer this person, or would you just say, hey, sorry, unfortunately, there's nothing I can do? That's a good question. Love to hear your thoughts. Thanks again. You can just say, hey, to the people you work with, I know this guy to's a good question. Love to hear your thoughts. Thanks again. You can just say, hey, to the people you work with, I know this guy to be a good guy.

I'm not really too, I don't really know his work ethic, but I know him to be a, however you know him. And I wanted to pass his name along. You could do it like that. Yeah, I can't vouch for how good he would be in the job, but I do know he's a good dude. Yeah, like he's not. We go way back.

Exactly. But I don't wanna like put my name out there as like definite hire him, but if it's between him and another guy, like I can't say he's a good dude. Yeah, that's good. Split the difference? There's zero better ways to do it than that.

Well, the other, look, it would be the very safest thing to do, let's be real, is nothing. Nothing what? Say nothing. To him or anyone? No, to say never talk again? Yeah, never use your voice ever again.

To not put his name in your sentence? Yeah, to just say nothing to your higher ups. Okay, yeah. With hiring power. I guess, but then it's like. And then nothing bad can happen. The only, you're kind of hedging your bets by saying what you're saying if you do what Chris just said,

but at the same time, you're still in a way putting in a good word. If you feel comfortable doing that, if you think he's a good guy, then do that. But like, if you don't even know if he's a good guy anymore, like you could obviously ask him, how do you expect me to do that? I don't know anything about you or if you're good at your job. Like, how do you expect me to do that? I don't know anything about you

or if you're good at your job. Like, how do I know? To ask me that is actually completely out of line. That's a valid thing to say, because it is. So I think it's one or the other. If you don't want to say anything at all, fair, you could totally go back to your guy

that used to be friends with him and be like, look, I respect you and I want to help you, but I have no idea. I have no idea how, you could be a literal fucking criminal. You could get hired and steal from the company on day one. What do I know? I knew you in eighth grade. I'm thinking of how funny it would look

if you were on the freeway and there was a lot of traffic and you were like fucking nine cars away and saw Sylvester Stallone doing that to a car. Okay. That's what I'm thinking about right now. And so I just want you to understand that when I say there is a full township and a bustling city with a square that is like blocks long that has

benches and fountains and all you're doing is thinking about Sylvester Stallone hanging off a car jizzing on a window bro that's not anything that is just having obsessive thoughts you don't have a fucking township with a square in your mind. You have an obsessive fucking brain that thinks about other guys jizzing on car windows. Okay, don't paint it like you got some fucking vibrant, explosive, creative mind.

I'm not even saying it's positive or negative. What I'm saying is now you're not allowed in the fucking town, that's for sure. You are not allowed. Is anyone, it's inside your mind. No, nobody can go in there anyway. Yeah, exactly. So what's the matter if I'm invited?

I'm barred, I'm exiled, I was never in there. Thank fuck, it's just Sylvester Sloan coming all over the place. It's not just that, dude. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's other things too, right now that's the fucking thing

that's happening in the town. And it's, you know. That's the talk of the town at the moment. I wanted you to. Swish swish swish. Ha ha ha ha. Sylvester Sloan jizzing on the side of the Volvo. What?

Dude. I, I want you to understand the magnitude of- There's nothing I don't understand so far, but continue. But I'm, when I say, cause people, they do their job, they go to work, they fucking, they work on the task at hand. I don't, dude. No shit. I'm in my city. No shit you don't. I don't, dude. No shit.

I'm in my city. No shit you don't. I'm in my city. I'm in my city, bro. What other people do in that thing you just described is better. What? People do their job.

People sit around doing the job that they're supposed to do, that they're hired to do and you don't, you just sit there and live in the city you made up in your mind where Sylvester Stallone's jizzing on cars. Dude, you're being, you're minimizing it. What I'm saying is it's not just that, dude. It's levels to it.

It's like inception. It's like dreaming in a dream. And I don't wanna get too into it, but it's my town and I'm in there, dude. And I think about it and get too into it, but it's my town, and I'm in there, dude. And I think about it, and I'm there, dude. And when you are talking too long, I'm there. No one is confused about that.

Everyone knows that that's what you do. OK. And it's fucking so fun, dude. OK, great. That's good, good. I'll be on the couch sometimes, laughing. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Not around anyone.

A crazy guy. Or around people laughing. And not at them. Of course, when you're laughing, but, ah, Sir Rush's lunch is jizzing on windows. Dude, you're minimizing it. I'm just, it could be anything, but I'm just saying like, I'm in my town. I'm in my town.

What are you laughing at? I'm in my town, it's bustling. Crazy, absolutely insane. What are you laughing at? I'm in my town, it's bustling. Crazy, absolutely insane. What are you laughing at, dude? I'm in my town, it's bustling. Just a fucking lunatic. I'm in the square right now. It's like six blocks long, so I'm at a fountain.

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Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey. No, too basic. Hi there. Still no. What about, hello handsome? Ugh, who knew you could give yourself the ick? That's why Bumble is changing how you start conversations

You can now make the first move or not with opening moves You simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches Then sit back and let your matches start the chat download Bumble and try it for yourself You're fired to me. Hey man, Chris. Look at this guy. Just wanted to say hi. An astronaut. I'm a Mendevec.

Hell yeah, dude. In Denver, Colorado. This guy's the fucking shit, dude. And I think it's funny that I listen to Lifeline and work at a company called. Hell yeah, dude. This guy's the man. This guy fucks anyone who wants to fuck.

Dude, look at him. Just wondering, have you ever been in a helicopter before? No. Or an ambulance for that matter? Oh, yes, actually. Just like to hear some good stories if you have any. And if you're ever in Denver and get hurt, I'll come scoop you up.

Thanks, man. Hell yeah, dude. Appreciate you, dude. Hell yeah, man. I've never been in a fucking ambulance. Have I been in a helicopter? I don't think, I've been in a helicopter. You've been so bad at that. Have I been in a heli? I don't think I've been in a helicopter.

Yeah, well, yeah, not actually. I've been in a helicopter in the air. This is weird. And I have not been in a helicopter as it's been operating. Right, like for a movie, right? Yes, he knew it. He knew it immediately.

And I'll tell you what, that is a cool job. I would be horrible at it. Helicopters scare the shit out of you. Oh, dude, they're so unnatural feeling. Yeah, I bet. You know? I mean, dude, yeah, no, I've never been in one. And I feel like, I mean, planes are scary enough.

You know what I mean? It's like, that's crazy. It's cool to be the kind of guy that's like, I mean, planes are scary enough. You're going to fall, you know what I mean? It's like, that's crazy. It's cool to be the kind of guy that's like, I want to fly those. Fuck yeah it is. You know, I'm so not like that. It's crazy how much I'm not like that. Me either.

If I was up there, dude, people would be dying because I would be thinking, I'd be in my town, honestly. Are they unsafe just in general or are they just way less? Ask Kobe, ask Kobe. What? I mean, so off color. I know, off color, but. I'm saying way less safe than planes. I mean, planes glide. Ask Kobe. What? I mean, so off-color. I know, off-color, but. I'm saying way less safe than planes.

I mean, planes glide. They crash. There's forces that keep a plane up in the air. A helicopter is just, the thing's spinning so fast that it stays up. And then if that fucking stops, then you're done. God, that's so fucking crazy. It's very unnatural.

Yeah, I mean, I could do it for sure, but I just don't want to. And then that little one in the back, which is annoying. Yeah. Well, and then the fucking. You know everything would get fucked without that one going. Yeah, no, no, it's fucking. Do we want to spend a little bit of time talking

about how this guy could fuck anybody in the world that he wants to or no? Male or female, no, I don't want to. Okay, you're jealous? No. A little bit. No, I'm not jealous, cause you know why? Cause he helps, it's just great. He's probably married.

But no, I'm not saying he does do that. No, I know, no, no, no. I know, but I'm saying he's no threat. He felt like doing it. He's no threat. If he's around my wife. Fuck anybody, dude. He looks like that and does that?

It's fine, dude. Yeah, but you don't know the secrets or the, maybe he smells bad. You don't know. I don't know if, okay. Yeah, that's possible. So what I'm saying is, he's probably married and if that guy's around my wife, I'm fine.

But you know who's really good looking? The fucking guy in that movie with Megan Fox I keep thinking about. Gay. They're both so good looking in that movie. Oh, the movie you think of? Megan Fox and her, no, I think about them. Which movie? Is it her husband? Megan Fox and her, no, I think about them. Which movie?

Is it her husband? Megan Fox and the fucking Italian actor. What's the name of the movie? Subservience, dude. Okay, and he's not gonna know how to spell that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just pluck it into it. Subsection. I fucking nailed that spell.

Oh, you did, good job, dude. Hey, ooh, and dude, you know- Michael, Michelle Moroni? Michelle Moroni, that's how cool he is. He's got a female name, he doesn't give a fuck. Dude, and here's the thing. He's so- Bro, it's so funny, you think guys like that are good looking? No,oni, that's how cool he is. He's got a female name, he doesn't give a fuck. Dude, and here's the thing. He's so- Bro, it's so funny you think guys like that are good looking? No, no, no, no, dude.

That guy is Guido on fucking Jersey Shore, man. He's not, though, dude. You fucking don't have good taste. He's not, if you watch the movie, if I just saw that. Dude, if I just saw that, I understand what you're saying. If you watch the movie, the way he moves around, and how Italian he is without being Italian, right? And then you find out that, oh shit, well,

okay, that's a movie, and you Google him and find out he's 6'3", you go. Let's pack it up. You know who's fucking dead sexy? I gotta get outta here, dude. You know who's dead sexy, dude? Whoa, okay, losing it. You know who's dead sexy?

Who, who? The killer, the guy that killed that guy. The CEO, the guy that killed the CEO, Luigi. Dude, okay, that's not true. And let me tell you why. He's good looking. His body? He's good looking, but bro, that guy's body is fucking. The guy's chiseled.

I don't, here's the deal, man. Look at this Dave Franco motherfucker. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He, okay, this guy. He doesn't look good in jail though. Yeah, okay, well, that's what I'm saying. And you think that other guy wouldn't look good in jail? The other guy.

No, that guy would look good in jail. Put that guy in orange, put that guy in orange. Is that guy, is Luigi just a crazy guy? Is that what we're dealing with there? Yeah, he. Look at that picture of him in the, yeah, the bottom right, just a little bit over to the. Oh, that's amazing.

Anthony, the obvious picture. The obvious picture. The one. There's one picture there you should click. It says four days ago. Only one. Next to that. Next to that.

Next to that. There's only one picture. Other one. In the middle on the bottom. Next to that. There we go. That's the only picture that's worth clicking. Look how crazy he looks, dude.

That is just great. Jim Carrey, the mask. Dude, he. Is he crazy? I mean, obviously he's crazy. Here's what word is that it happened. But. That's devilish,. But that's devilish. That's devilish.

He, his family didn't hear from him for like three months. So they think that his like brain just kind of broke and then he had a mental thing. But I got that from the Gazette that I read in my town. He has a, he had like a back problem though for a while. So it could be a mix of things. Physical shit can really make you lose your mind though. Yeah, no has a he had like a back problem for a while. So it could be a mix of things Physical shit can really make you lose your mind. No shit, man. My car Sometimes claims she slept with him, dude

This is amazing. I interviewed Caroline Calloway It was a bad interview, but she fucked Luigi, dude It's weird to fuck guys named Luigi period. It's so true. Like, you know, Wow. OMG guys. I literally fucked the United healthcare CEO assassin. I mean, what is this world?

That's so crazy that Caroline Calloway said that. Like, dude. Who is Caroline Calloway? She's just some girl. She's like an influencer. She got, she was, she got called out by her, whatever, an influencer. She's fucking she's just some girl and

I guess she fucked Luigi though That's the coolest thing she ever did. It's a me That's how we did it Anyway, it's a me Luigi Anyway. It's a me, Luigi. Grrr. I mean, Anthony just going down a war hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anthony just, oh, fuck. She got hot, man. She's fucking hot. Oh, shit. Anthony, do you think she's hot? Yeah. Yeah, you do, don't you? Hell, yeah.

You fucking son of a bitch. I mean. You son of a bitch. She is pretty. She's pretty, but he's a son of a bitch. So yeah, but. There's no denying that. Yeah, but look, so he's good looking, the guy,

and that's how he was able to bed Caroline Calloway. And that's it, but he doesn't hold a candle to Michelle Moroney or whatever the fuck his name is. Okay, I don't really think Michelle Moroney's a hop. All right, well you haven't seen him in action. The two of them together, him and her together, it's fucking crazy, and they have great chemistry. Okay, dude.

Okay, they do. I didn't honestly, I never really thought about how people have good chemistry on camera until I saw this movie, Subservience. God, you're a fucking idiot. No, I'm not, dude. You're just mad. That's what made you realize

on-screen chemistry is a thing. There's another movie. That movie with those two actors. There's another movie that I realized chemistry in, but I was in it and I was acting in it and it was because it was me. Oh, okay. No across the board. Okay.

All right, let's do, oh, Madeline Zima's in that shit? I know Madeline. She's good. Now she's an actor right there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's good. She's good. What's up, Maddie? How you living? I mean a picture. No, I'm talking to her out here in case she's watching All right, well, yeah, I get Megan Fox though, huh, man, what about her? She's really bad. No and acting. Oh She's really bad. No. At acting? Uh-uh.

Oh, dude. No. Who would agree with you, besides Megan Fox's mom. No, that's crazy. And machine gun Kelly. No, that's crazy. She's not bad. Dude, she's notoriously terrible at acting.

No, no, uh-uh. You're way off, bro. What is she good in? Well, first of all. Subservience, I guess I haven't seen, so I can't speak to that. Well, she plays a robot, so. So then she can't be good.

It is weird, though, that she has a fucking bioluminescent light in her mouth to clean her mouth. And that's why she says she doesn't brush her teeth. But why the fuck would she need something to clean her god damn mouth when she's a robot? They don't eat. I will say that. I guess you still got to clean it, right?

Things can get in there. It's an open hole. I mean, dude. No. Does it kiss? Does the robot kiss? Oh yeah. Then you gotta clean the mouth, right? Well, yeah.

I mean, if the robot sucks a cock, you definitely have to clean the mouth. But I guess that in that sense, you do need the bioluminescent light. Okay. Okay, next up. Nathan Lane. Chris, Matt. Oh my God. Next up. Nathan Lane. Chris. Matt.

Oh my God. A killer. Dude, when I speak, I like to throw words at the end of my statements like dude, dude. A killer. And I also like to use other words like man. Like whatever man. Has dead bodies around his apartment. And I see you do that too. Oh, looks. And I don't know if you're like me,

but when I like to try new things and new words, like I'll be like, how's it going, pa? Okay. Well, nice to see you, friend. That's not a new word, sorry. And I'm wondering. I make up new words like hey, dude. What, if you ever feel like you're a broken record

with those, whatever those are called. I do it all the time. And what your take on keeping it fresh with those and keeping it moving with those is, thanks this is under a minute. This is what? What was the last thing you said? I don't know, what is the last thing he said? It was Nathan Lane?

What? I don't really know what he was saying. I do. I think I do. Okay, go ahead. Say it. You know, not colloquialisms, but like when you say like something and it's, you know,

dude or bro or G, you know, some people say, you know, it becomes your thing and then it's too, you use it too much and it's like, you gotta keep it moving. You gotta keep, you know, some people say, you know, it becomes your thing and then it's too, you use it too much and it's like, you've got to keep it moving. You've got to keep, you've got to keep, not like you're consciously reinventing yourself, but like, you don't want to be boring for the whole life. So it's like, you know, I used to say no dense and I meant that shit with my chest. I meant it with my whole heart.

It's still something that I might say. I'm not saying it all the time because I grow and because I come up with great new things. Okay, that's not what he was saying though. So what was he saying? Well, I don't know, man. Chris, can you, I don't know, honestly. I think he's saying that he's trying to change up

like slang that he uses and- Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Okay, well then, yeah. I kinda get it. trying to change up like slang that he uses and- Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Okay, well then yeah, we support you in that. But I gotta say, I don't ever think, oh no, I'm saying this thing too much. No. I gotta mix it up.

Because here's what happens. Mr. Bing Bong- Bing Bong? I naturally slip in and out of saying things more and then less and then I phase out old things and then phase in. Like I used to say, K, Bing Bong was another one I used to say. Now I don't say them nearly as much. I still say them. That's exactly what I'm saying. That's exactly what I'm saying.

We're saying the same thing. I also can't tell if this guy's being genuine. I can't. I can't either. He's not being genuine, but it's still something that happens. He's acting in the thing. What is he acting like though? I was really thrown. He was acting like a weird guy.

Like a... He was being a serial killer. No, yeah, sure. But I mean, someone would do it on a date and you'd never wanna go out with them again, right? You'd just be like, oh, this is fucking not right. You're gonna get mad, but he had piercingly beautiful eyes.

Man, I don't. And they were green, just like he had a great green hoodie on and his eyes went well with the hoodie. And even though he looked exactly like Nathan Lane It was a very cool thing to look at his eyes in this sweatshirt You know, I don't like how Anytime I want to comment on bro the physical appearance of somebody that called it you got something to say It's not that I it's not that I have something it's that you do it all the time, dude. Then, okay, why would that,

why on earth would that bother you? I'll tell you why, okay? Stop doing it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You don't need to do that, man. I don't need to do anything. I don't need to be here. I don't need to fucking do anything. I do it because I do it because it's great. Now, next one. Hi, Chris and Matt. Hello. Chris, I saw you in Ottawa and it was amazing.

Thank you. I just have a question about your merch. Obviously, I love your merch, but this is my favorite sweater that I've ever owned in my entire life. However, I wear it so much that it's getting full of holes. It's got bleach stains on it. That's cool though.

And it's not in your shop anymore. I'm just wondering if you're ever going to restock because I would buy more of these just so I have the new feature. It's really great. Who wants more, dude? In case they get ruined. Anyways, love you guys, thanks. Thank you.

Yeah, we do sometimes like limited runs because it's like, you know, it's special for the time and it's also, I think it's cool when you get like stains and holes in them and shit. You do too. I, listen. cool when you get like stains and holes in them and shit. You do too. Listen. That's you. The thing about good clothing that we really love

is that when they start to fall apart, at least for me, I only start to love it more because you realize the mortality of the clothing and you take better care of it because you realize how delicate it really is. At any given moment, something, your arm, your finger could accidentally slip through the sleeve, you could rip it even further. These things could become more and more fragile.

You realize their fragility and you cherish the clothing even more. So when I have clothes that I love that start falling apart, I only begin to love them more. And I don't think, oh no, I need to get a new one. I think this is getting better and better and better. Now there's a tipping point where like I had this shirt. In fact, I actually literally earlier today, I was wearing it and I ripped another hole in it. I was like, I just can't wear this anymore.

This happened to me with a condom. I can't wear this anymore. The whole shoulder was out. I just looked straight up and I'm teetering anyway. I looked straight up like a homeless guy. Yeah. You know? This happened with my favorite condom,

but I feel like my, I even go further. When I have a shirt or a pants or something and they have a rip in it, not only do I think, oh cool, I like this more, I jump up and down and I get excited and it's hard for me to contain my excitement and I celebrate and the whole day is just amazing and sometimes well into the next day,

I'm just walking on sunshine and I call my friends and I tell them, so it's a celebration. That makes me think of though, dude, I have my shirt party coming up because it has too many holes in it and you're invited. Oh, cool man, send me an invite. All RSVP. Yeah.

All RSVP. It finally got another hole. Send. Shoo. No one's coming? Trying to get someone to go away. Shoe. No, no, no.

No one's coming to my shirt party? My shirt worsening party? Do we like parties as adults? No. No, right? Who? This is what? You like parties. Here's what we don't like as adults. Yes. Plans.

He likes parties. Plans. Dude, you just farted so fucking terribly. Did you hear that? I did. Could have been me, could have been me. Bro, was that so loud it was on mic? Could have been anyone.

I don't think so. Could have been mic. It could have been mic. Bad, dude. Where's mic? I'll isolate it and boost it. Dork. That's fine, man.

Hey dude. That's fine. I like. Could have not been me, all kinds of people. There I said it. Potishin! I finally said it. It's been on my mind now for a couple seconds

and I finally had to get it off my chest. I like all kinds of people. So here's the thing about parties. Yeah. We don't like plans. I think a lot of adults don't like plans. Well, you can't have a party without a plan. I'm sorry.

And dude, and if I had a dime, but I know, I know that. I know, I know that. But I'm just saying, if you happen to go to a party, hey, that party's tonight. Oh, really? All right. Or you invite more and more people over until all of a sudden you're like,

oh, this is a fucking party. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun, yeah. But like, hey, the fourth Friday or, you know, Friday at, you know, the 20th at 7.30 PM, we got to get together because Dale's turning 45. And what exactly to you is the difference? Why is one demonstrator worse than the other?

You don't know if you're gonna wanna go at that time. I completely agree with Chris. Look, but here's the thing, whether that's true or not, once you get there, all bets are off. It could be the shit, even if you don't feel like going. That's true, most of the time it's not good. The thing about it, you have to set it at a time so that people, in our adult lives,

everybody's so fucking busy, you gotta X out the day and the night, whatever the fuck, to make sure you're not doing anything else. You know how dope it would be though, if I was like, dude, we're having a party right now, invite people over right now, and we got people over right now, it would be fucking so amazing.

Now while I agree, the chances of you being able to get all the right people right now, whenever right now is, is very, very unlikely. True. I ate two fried chicken sandwiches last night, some dirty fries, which is basically fried chicken with fries and cheese on it. Wait, wait, wait, sorry.

It's fries with chicken and cheese in it? Yeah. Oh, that sounds amazing. Oh dude, pickles too. Adding shit, adding shit? Four pickles, not many, but. Okay. And then. Pickles are in the fries? No, they're just, you know, they slice them up and got it. And then. Pickles, sliced up pickles are in the fries. I'm done talking about that. No, you keep saying it in a way that ends up being confusing. Are the pickles separate from the fries? Just yes or no?

I see what you're saying. I got upset because I thought you were like, do they fucking like bake fries into pickles or something? I was confused. No, no, no. I meant are the pickles in with the fries and the chicken and the cheese? Yes, slices of pickles. Oh, great.

Sounds fucking incredible. Yeah, and then I had a Oreo shake, dude. So you're lucky that I farted once or twice. I farted six times since the show started. Really? Jeez. Yeah, and I tried to do it silently until I was like, you know what, dude, fuck this.

It's been 48 minutes. I don't give a shit. Can I say something real about you? Or you don't want me to tell the whole world? You take the smelliest shits in the world. That's not true. Who takes smellier shits than you? The guy I bring in when I took a shit because he does it.

Okay. Where do you hide him? Paul. He's, he's, I bring him. He's usually in my trunk and he has the worst shits and he is embarrassed. And so whenever I, whenever he has to go to the bathroom, I go, Hey guys, I gotta go to the bathroom. So I don't care. You, there you go. You have it. There's Paul's got a lot of time on his hands. Paul needs to take a shit. But I go, I gotta go to the bathroom. And then it, you guys go, you have it. Paul's got a lot of time on his hands. Okay. Paul needs to take a shit, but I go, I gotta go to the bathroom and then you guys go,

man, it smells so bad. And in my head, I'm always like, fucking Paul. Paul McShartney? No. No, I'm always like. Thanks, Anthony. Chris liked it too, I fucking knew it yesterday. Yeah, but you know what? That's exactly the kind of thing you hate and they like.

And I like. I hate it, but let me tell you, let me go even further with it. Okay. The timing of that was. Two freshly cracked eggs, any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario.

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I was waiting for you to shut your mouth. It was abysmal. Which never happens. Abysmal. Because it was, my shit would get a laugh after the fucking beat of it. And you didn't allow for the beat to happen. And you did your Paul McShartney joke. I was waiting for silence because it never happens.

It doesn't never happen. Yeah, no, when you're talking, it does. In fact, it happens so infrequently, so infrequently that while I'm talking, you talk. No, that's yeah, that does happen sometimes, but thank you. But the fucking thing was going to be funny and you did your thing and it, it, it, it, it, it, it, we were too many jokes into one thing and it made it, it diluted everything, so congratulations.

I hope you're happy with yourself, man. Fucking, is it fry a pickle or whatever the fuck you were saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just fucking taking the stinkiest farts in the fucking world. It's not me, dude. And that one didn't smell and it's not me that does that. It's Paul in the trunk.

All right, sounds good Next one. You're just being a little brother When I say hey man, Chris, I love the show. Thanks for all that you guys do I was just wondering in a relationship. How do you tell the difference between? The typical challenges we have to deal with your bullshit and get over yourself and just not being compatible with someone I've been seeing this girl for four months and it's been some of the best times of my life. But when things aren't good, it's really challenging. We communicate differently and I tend to just share

what's on my mind and she'll often just shut down or take it as blame and it just gets to be really tough. So how do you know when to walk away or when it's time to just get past your bullshit and insecurities and stick with it and ride it out. Thanks y'all. Okay, so real quick about, okay.

But what is Steve Gutenberg doing when you borrow his hair? That's so funny that you said that. I was just gonna say this guy would be such a famous actor in the late 80s. That's hysterical. And he, that's fucking amazing. Yeah, that's the thing I was gonna say. Wow. Like he would be the star of a fucking big hit show

that was on for like seven seasons. Wow, dude. But Steve Gutenberg right now is like, I hope he brings it back soon. Yeah, he's just walking out, his head is cold because he's got no hair on it. Yeah. It is unbelievable.

Well, that's funny, bro. Yeah. That shirt was so popular in 2016. Yeah, and that head and body and face was popular in 1988. Yeah, get current guy. So, all right, I didn't listen. For real? I was thinking about Steve Gutenberg.

Gay. Dude. Just always thinking about another guy, either coming or just being, you know? Okay, well. Oh. It's a pretty gay episode, dude. Well. You know? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. It's a pretty, it's pretty gay episode, dude. Oh. So that's just Lone with the fucking Michelle Maroney or whatever the fuck. And then Steve Gutenberg and then. Yeah. Others too that I didn't even mention.

Living in your town. And made up ones, Paul, you know? Yeah. Okay. No joke. Do you up ones, Paul, you know? Yeah. OK. No joke. Do you want to replay it, or do you want us to paraphrase? Hold on.

Do you really not? You know, hold on. Real quick. Does it ever happen to anybody that it feels like you have something on your fucking face, and you just either can't get it off, or you don't? Yeah. Dude, I felt like I have a fucking hair on my face.

Yeah. It happens. And I can't fucking get it fuck off. Yeah. It does happen. All right. Anyway, do you really want to play it again? No, I would never want to play it again.

Do you know what he said? I think what he said was, Okay, yeah. They basically, he wants to talk about community, talk about stuff a lot and his girlfriend doesn't. Wow. And what does he do? That's not at all? What does he say?

That's not at all. What does he say? Fucking at all. Why don't you just say it, what he said in a matte way. When do you know if a relationship, like if you're really, really in love and the good times with someone are really, really great, but the hard times, you communicate differently,

the bad, the fights are really bad. How do you know when to walk away or stay in it? I think what you're describing is, often in my experience at least, is a sign, it's not that you're not in love, but it's that you're definitely in like, some weird lust cycle thing, where it's like, you're supercharged when it's good and when it's bad you literally

want to jump out of a fucking window and that is not good like that is ultimately gonna die that relationship i'm not saying end it but i nine times out of ten that relationship fucking ends because the bad stuff adds up adds up and, and people don't forget, and it just gets heavier and heavier, and the good times, no matter how good and how often they come, can't compete with that. The heavy, dark, bad shit just adds up, adds up, and then it becomes too heavy and everything breaks. I would say it depends on how much,

how bad the bad times are, really. You know, I mean, you don't. If they're as bad as my bad times are really. If they're as bad as my bad times have been, then that's what the truth is. But that's, you're talking about the worst times. Some guys will say this and they're just perpetually single and they're like, and you're like, oh, you're just an asshole. Not an asshole, but like you don't know

how to be in a relationship. Sure. Taking that, if that's the case, then you gotta figure it out, bro. But if it's not, then maybe she's not the right one for you. I've been in all kinds of relationships and I've been in three or so. Three or so that are what I'm describing here now,

and this guy's describing, where it's like the good is so, so, so good, but the bad is like, the low is just like, it's fucking unbearable. And you get enough moments that are unbearable that you're just like, wait, A, which way is up? B, like what the fuck is wrong with me? And C, like, how did I end up with this person

in this situation? I thought this was so great and it was so great. But dude, I mean. I've never really been there. Really? Yeah, not fair. I've been close, close for sure. But yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's bad. And if that's what he's describing, then I would suggest not again, not like end the relationship, but maybe come to terms with the fact that this shut up, Charlie, come to terms with the fact that it's not, it's not a forever type thing. Your dog's here and it shook and it made a noise.

Nobody's gonna hear that. They're just gonna think you're fucking having a Vietnam flashback. There it is. There she is. Wow, her caller says caution bitch. It does, yeah. That's hilarious.

Yeah, caution bitch. That's something a black lady would say while arguing with another black lady. Hey, Jennie. Caution bitch. You gonna need some caution bitch. Hey Jenny's. Hey Jenny's.

Hey Jenny's. Beep beep beep boop boop. Hey Jenny's. Boop boop boo. Ha ha ha ha. Without fail, you always laugh at the Adam Seller. How often do you say it? Bro, we've been saying it for a long time. Without fail you laugh at the Adam Sandler. How often do you say it? Bro, we've been saying it for a long time.

Without fail, you laugh at the Adam Sandler. Because it always surprises me, because I'm never thinking I'm doing that. Really? Yeah, I'm not doing that in my mind. Oh, really? Okay. So I laugh because it's like, oh shit, that's funny.

Yippee-bee-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. I mean, dude, it's... Okay, well. Yippee-bee-bee Sailor. See, you're laughing now even. But that's why I think it's funny because it does sound like him, but I'm not doing that in my mind. Get it? I'm not thinking, oh, I'm gonna do Adam Sailor voice.

Okay, yeah. I know that. I think you're confused. No, no, no, no. You should know I know you're not thinking of doing the Adam Sailor voice. You should know that about me, that I know that about you.

Okay. And I do and, and, and- But I'm just saying that's why I laugh. Cause I'm always surprised by it. No, I know. Yeah. Hey Jenny. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

You ever think about when a dog's on your lap and you're petting- Here we go. It looks like you're playing guitar. You ever think about that? Oh. I think about that. Probably I have thought that, yeah.

Like you're like this, you just look like you're holding a fucking guitar. Look at you playing guitar, little bitch ass. I don't fucking- Do you think about when. Probably I have thought that, yeah. Like you're like this, you just look like you're holding a fucking guitar. Look at you playing guitar, little bitch ass. I don't fucking- Do you think about, when you do this, do you think about how their privates aren't your privates? No, actually.

Me neither. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Dude, speaking of farting. Okay, well we weren't talking about it but. Well we were a little bit a while ago, yeah. I did the pull my finger thing to Calvin. Oh yeah, you mentioned this, yeah. He, I have never seen him laugh harder. It was so awesome, dude, it was so funny. That's cool.

I go pull my finger, I mean he didn't know what to, you wouldn't know what to expect. You wouldn't know what to expect. You never did it before. Of course. Now it's the most tired joke of all time, but like he's four. He just did it and it was a good one.

That's what I was just gonna say. A lot of that probably has to do with the epicness of the fart. This one went, meah. A cat, a fucking cat. This one had a meah, meah. Dude, he laughed so hard This one had a, meh, meh. Dude, he laughed so hard. It was awesome, man.

And I live for it. I live for my kids laughing. That's very cool, very cool. Yeah, so, oh, man. Oh, he had tears in his eyes. It was so funny, man. Made him cry, just remembers it incorrectly. You know, said something to him and really just. He hit his eyes. It was so funny, man. Made him cry, just remembers it incorrectly. I think I said something to him and really just.

He hit his shin. Yeah, but. The one time I saw Calvin crying, it upset me so much, dude. Yeah, I remember. His face was one of the first times. Morphed and I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it's not, it's not.

Being the first born in a generation, like he was the first grand kid, you know, no. Yeah, it's not, it's not. Being the first born in a generation, like he was the first grand kid, you know? Like in all of our extended family, it's crazy. It's crazy, everything about it. The first time it happens, you're saying? Yes, yeah. Like I remember when he got his pilot license. Cool.

Baby flyer, dude. Sequel to Baby Driver. I never saw that movie. Baby Driver? Guitar. People like it. Me no, me no, me no, me no, me no. That's what's playing.

People like it, but not me. How come? Because it's so, honestly, it felt like So slick. An Apple commercial turned into a movie. Literally he has an iPod the whole time. I hate that. And like the music that's playing on his iPod is the soundtrack of the movie.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that. And it's edited really like at an expert level. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But it's all cut to that music. Baby Driver. Yeah. It's the director. We're not doing that. expert level. No, you're watching? Edgar, I like a lot of your stuff, dude. What else did he do? He did a...

You love World's End. Well, why are you saying I loved it? Because you when you saw it, you went like a whole week always talking about it. It was good, dude. It was really good. And now you're reneging on it. No, I'm not. But I'm saying it doesn't matter where the guy's got an iPod. You loved Shaun of the Dead.

That was great. That was great, dude. Hot fuzz. I didn't see. I saw some of not, but I'm saying it doesn't have a thing where the guy's got an iPod and- You loved Shaun of the Dead. That was great. That was great, dude. Hot fuzz. Hot fuzz, well, I didn't see, I saw some of it, but- Okay, well. If you're doing that thing in Baby Driver where you have an iPod and then it goes over the track and then it quiets and it's in his ears.

Edgar, naughty, naughty. Dude, come on, Edgar. And more like Edgar wrong. No, well, but- Nice. Thank you. No, that's not nice, dude. And also that's like NYU film student kind of shit.

Hey, you know, check this out. We're NYU people. Absolutely nothing. We're NYU people. Yeah. All of us. lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not, no, I'm saying when you thought I farted, it was Charlie. It might've been. I mean, when I smelled it, I thought that was Charlie. No, I didn't. When you were doing silent ones. If it was me, it didn't smell that much. It was Paul. Okay, well then, wait, do you really not think it was you?

No, no, I didn't smell that one that I did. Then it was Charlie, because I smelled something bad. Yeah, it was Charlie. Charlie always smells bad. Yeah, it was Charlie, and that's it. Lay down. It's okay, you can lay down. Okay.

All right, thanks a lot, dude. Go to Patreon. We have our Lifeline Live show coming up. It'll be on Patreon. So patreon.com slash lifelinelive is free. And I will see you where I see you. Chrisley.com. I'm on tour.

Get tickets. Patreon.com slash Matt D'Elia. It is free right now. Get in while it's free. Matt D'Elia is confused coming back. And every episode ever of the Private Record will be up there or already is. Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo