Lifeline - 149. Face ID Orgasms

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

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stands for Total Fund Savings Adventure, maybe reach out to TD Direct Investing. Check out our Patreon, Lifeline Luxury. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury, sorry. Sorry to correct you. There's a lot of 50 plus episodes and there's two full live shows. This is episode 149. Happy birthday to Emily Blunt. You don't wanna forget that.

And also when you watch the Lifeline episodes, the 50 plus episodes, after every one you go like this. Yay, yay! Is Emily Blunt- And it makes it better. That's not true. Is Emily Blunt married to that guy? Yes. Krasinski? Yes. John Buttcr Krasinski? Yes.

John Buttcrackzinski? Yeah, dude, she is. Not worth it. Emily Smokablunt? Not worth it. Is she married to John Buttcrackzinski? Yeah, I think so. Worst, why Buttcrack?

I don't know. Crack, crack, crack, crack. Krasinski, got it. Crackz crack, crack, crack. Kresinski. Kresinski. That's horrible. See what I'm saying? That's abysmal. Those jokes are abysmal.

So the other thing you wanna do considering those jokes is go to patreon.com slash Mattalio while it's still free. Mattalio is confused coming back and it's live and guess what it is? Do they get more jokes like that? It's pimping, pimping and it's nonstop jokes like that. And guess what else happens? Every time I run one, a live stream, YouTube kicks me off.

Hey YouTube, you're p***. Okay. Thanks very much. Bloop that out. Bloop that out. Definitely. That's where they don't really understand how the internet works.

That's where the show airs. Yeah. You know what's surprising? Most people watch my show on X, dude. Okay? Well, that's because they don't take it down. They don't take it down, dude. No censorship on X dude. Okay? Well that's because they don't take it down. They don't take it down dude. No censorship on X. Hey Elon Musk from dusk till dawn you know what I'm

saying? No what's what do you mean? I don't know. You're on a sh** roll right now. You're horrible. You're abysmal. Blip that out. This is what it is. Dude I you know what I don't like is when you wear a shirt and one little thing gets on it. Not a big thing. If you spill a whole thing, it's like, OK, charge it to the game. I messed up.

A little thing sucks, though, dude, because it's like, do I take it off or not? Are people going to notice? It's on my mind. Oh, you mean that it'll come out if you wash it. Okay, so I've been going through a thing where I get little things on my shirt that don't come out in the wash

and I have to go through the whole thing of do I throw it away or not? Yeah, I have one of those right now. I have one, I'm wearing one right now and I didn't realize it on the way over. I have this same shirt again, and it happened to that. Really? Yeah, because it's so.

What is that? Like, what did that front come from? This? Probably the food. Oh, OK. I don't know. But you know. I have a hole in this shirt.

The holes are OK, though. They usually are, but look where it is. OK. That's not bad. But you know why it's there, right? That's homeless guy's shit. No, why? Because my d*** bleep's homeless guys. No, no, why? Cause my bleep that out.

No, bleep that out too. You can't say homeless? Nope, you said D-I-C-K and then S-H-I. You're bad at it, okay? No, it's cause your belt is there. That's what happens. Oh. And I know that as a fact.

Dude, when I take off my belt, it is wild. Stop swearing. I'm not gonna swear. When I take off my belt, it is wild. Women who have been there, when I take off my belt, they're just like, oh. It's just like one of the craziest things anybody's ever seen.

I would do it here for you guys, but it would get taken down. It's very sexy and sexual and- You're abysmal. It's- Ha ha ha ha. You're abysmal today. Ha ha ha. You look like you're in disguise too.

So- In what? In you're in disguise. So you dress now. What is it, dude? You started looking like you're in disguise a few years ago. Are you running from something?

I like, remember when I was a little dude? Yeah. I used to go around in the glasses and nose and say, everybody thinks I'm a little man. Yeah. And guess what? That's the cutest thing I've ever done. It was all downhill from there.

On the cuteness scale, okay. Yeah. Sure, yeah, maybe. I have a bunch of dates, crystalia.com. Sick. It's gonna be good. Oh wait, no, that'll be, no yeah, Peoria and Dubuque and Boston, Denver, Cheyenne,

Casper, Wyoming, Atlanta, Georgia, Regina, Winnipeg, Saskatoon, a bunch of places. Crystalia.com, go get your tickets and get merch too. So there, yeah. It's tight. I have a question for you. Worst input, yeah. It's tight. I have a question for you. Worst input, what? It's tight and I have a question for you.

What? Oh wait, before we do that. You want a one-on-one session with me, go to matalya.com. I will literally save your life in the moment. I've done it before, I will do it again. You want the merch, you wanna get a gift for somebody, you wanna be comfy cozy,

you want something that says Lifeline, yes you do, you go to lifelinemerch.com. I forgot what I was gonna say. I knew that dude, and that pisses me off man. And frankly it pisses me off too. Why did you even go do the merch stuff? Cause I knew we would never get back to it. That's not true, I got back to my tour stuff, I'm on it.

Oh, it was about your tour. Okay, I wonder this all the time, specifically about musicians Which you are not but you're close enough. You're a comedian You you basically do the same thing when you're on tour when you have a tour you have a new special You you do the same thing basically every night give or take a couple of other things maybe how on Girth how on planet girth

is that not boring? Okay, because I'll tell you right now. Yeah, please. First of all, for a musician, it's way, way more boring because I don't do the same thing every night. Explain. I mean, I will do a version of a bit, but I have like, you know, if I do a version of a bit.

And then, but I have like, you know, if I have 10 bits in a show, cause I have long bits, if I have 10, 11 bits, I'll do four of them a certain one night. Oh, oh, oh, I see. And then I'll do, maybe I won't do them the next night. I'll do other bits. I have, I did, I did in, let's see, I think I did Fresno and Santa Rosa or something.

I did two, one Friday, one Saturday, and they were completely different shows. Interesting. I have enough material. And at this point, I honestly, I just can do it. I can figure it out. Like if I wanna talk, I honestly, I just can, I can do it. I can figure it out. Like if I want to talk, like yesterday, I talked about Valentine's Day, the date that we went on.

Not yesterday, a few days ago. Which was not material. It wasn't material, but it legitimately like, I was on stage and it had a full through line and a joke at the end and it all worked. I was like, that could easily be a bit. And people liked it? Yeah, it was a bit.

And so it was basically, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Yeah, it was basically a bit. I just, it's like I can do it because I've been doing it for 20 years. Okay, now what about the Kings of Leon, for example? Well, I don't know. My sex is on fire every night. Yeah, no that. It sucks, you suck.

Well the song may be good but what I don't get is that at all. I guess you do it because you're of richness but dude I could not do that. No of course, you do it for the richness. It's so different. To me, it's not the same as musical, as comedians. There are bands like the Rolling Stones where Keith Richards will just go on like a 12 minute riff and it's like, yeah, that's different. And people come to see him do that. But most bands, it's just like,

sure, unless you're a super fan, you don't know the lead singer of the Kings of Leon's name. Yeah. It's probably like Tim Brett or something, you know? Two guys. Yeah. And it's just like, you suck. Your band sucks.

No. Your songs suck. They don't suck. They're a good band. He's cool. It's all good. Yeah, I don't know. But it's worse for people who have one or two hit songs.

Yeah. I mean, Kingsley don't have a bunch of hits, but I don't know what it's like for somebody who just has to do the song, you know? Dude, I went to see, get this, at the Hollywood Bowl, I went to see Michael McDonald and Shaka Khan together. It wasn't like one headline. Iaka Khan together. It wasn't like one headlines.

I mean, together. It was five years ago, maybe. Why together? Exactly what I thought. So I go. I don't want that. And I had no idea this was true. It was completely sold out.

The most banging, the Hollywood Bulls that I've ever been to, ever been. Black people love Michael McDonnell. Needless to say, they love Shaka Khan. And boomers, white boomers, love Shaka Khan. I was like the youngest person that me and the girls with were the youngest people there by far. Why would you go to that?

I love Michael McDonnell. Well, yeah, I know, but still, why would you go to that? Because I love Michael McDonald. But what do you mean? Why is Chaka Khan there? Oh, I mean, I couldn't, because Michael McDonald wasn't playing solo. Make Chaka Khan leave.

But she's great. No, no, no, I know, but you don't love her. I know, but like. I'll watch you on my own time. I'll tell you what. Get off of the fucking stage with Michael McDonald, do your own own thing and I'll go to that maybe. I'll tell you what though. All right. What happened was I turned into a Chaka Khan fan because I was standing amid like literally 12 old black women and they all for some reason I've always said this there are two

demographics one that loves me and one that absolutely there are two demographics, one that loves me and one that absolutely despises me. The one that loves me are old black women, the one that despises me are Latina women my age. Okay? And I was surrounded by old black women and I was like a king, I was the fucking king, you know? Yeah.

So we're all singing along and it was the shit. It was the best fucking show I've ever been to. So 40 year old Latino women would be like, fuck you, but we don't. I'm basically in my 30s, but yeah. No. Essentially that. Yeah, all right, well, so okay, that's weird, yeah.

I do always remember that the black kids at school though liked you. Yeah, dude black black Me too, but i'm maybe because i'm so good at uh rapping Do you remember when I used to race? Racist well I say black people like because i'm good at rapping is pretty racist. But anyway, I get the fuck out here, dude uh I used to play basketball the y and I was the youngest one there

Therefore I was obviously the littlest one there and I was the only white one there and all the black kids loved me they called me little man because I could do the sickest layups in town okay this is in Montclair New Jersey and that is a serious basketball town you know Matt has the sickest layups in town well they don't know if unless they're in Montclair in Montclair I did have the sickest layups in town right which is why somebody who say you know did have the sickest layups in town. Right, which is why somebody would say, you know Matt has the sickest layups in town. Yeah. Yeah, so don't correct me.

Great. Isn't that great? Isn't that what? Isn't that great? What you said? To not correct me. But I don't need to be, right? Yes, yeah, dude.

The worst person to be in a relationship with. So let's do a submission and then we will go on from there, dude. Great. Oh, it's pissed. Sounds great. No, it's great. So dark.

Yo, what up, man? So early in the morning. Took too long. Big fan coming at you? So early in the morning. Pause it. Going to work four hours early specifically to burn it all down. No, no, no.

To burn the place down and video it and send it in as a second submission. Hey man, Chris, big fan and then cuts to everything is on fire. What do you think of this? That's it. No, I don't think that that's what he's doing. He always wakes up early. Oh, well, I know that's not what he's actually doing. He's not going to burn down the place.

Okay, what is it next? So, French, where you left? From Toronto, Ontario. So like, my question is, when you're on the phone with somebody, and then they say, oh, tell so and so I say hi. Right?

Yep, I know what to do. Do you actually say that to the person? I knew what to do. Billy says hi. I know what to do, no. actually say that to the person? I knew what to do. Oh, Billy says hi. I know what to do, no. And like I've done that before, but every time I've done that, the person that I say that to is just like, oh, hi.

Right. What are you gonna do, report back? Yeah. The person that asks me to say that is off the phone and not even around, you know? And it's days later. Oh, I see what you're saying. Oh, it's kind of bitch oh

oh having a breakdown phone just had a breakdown oh wow oh we've never seen someone have a breakdown on one oh oh wow dude that guy had a breakdown so here's what I think I don't there's nothing wrong with saying, oh, you're going to see what's his name later? Tell him hi. Nothing wrong with that. That's not what he said. Okay, so I'm clarifying though. But you know that's not what he said.

But I'm not done talking, right? Isn't that crazy? It's pretty crazy, but it's not what he said. So I started saying my own thing, now chill. And then, so that thing I said is great and then if somebody is there if I'm talking to somebody yeah and somebody is with that person on the phone and I say oh tell him I say hi that's annoying but because wait wait you're saying I'm pissed we're on you and me on the phone right okay

and I'm with Uncle Richard yes and are on the phone, right? Okay. And I'm with Uncle Richard. Yes. And you say, tell Uncle Richard I say hi. Yes. That's annoying. You're out of your mind, dude. Because then you have to be like,

oh, I'll tell you why it's annoying. Okay, go ahead. Then you gotta be like, oh, okay, hey Uncle Richard, Chris says hi. And then you gotta come back to me. And then you gotta come back to me. And then when you come back to me, Uncle Richard has to be like, oh yeah, tell him hi back.

And then you gotta go, oh yeah, he says hi back. That's fucking annoying. Yeah. Okay. So there's that, that's annoying. Now here's the deal. If somebody says to me, when I'm on the phone with you, say hi to Matt, okay? on the phone with you, say hi to Matt, okay? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm with somebody, I'm on the phone with you. You're on the phone with me. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, and that other person with you says say hi to Matt. Or say I'm on the phone with you, we'll do the same thing. I'm on the phone with you and Uncle Richard's over here. Yeah, with you. And you say, say hi to Uncle Richard, to me, right? On the phone. Yeah, with you. And you say, say hi to Uncle Richard.

To me, right? On the phone. I say, I will. I continue the conversation with us. I hang up, and then I say, Matt says hi. That's the way to do it. You're depriving Uncle Richard of saying something to me. And you're okay with that. That's fine, but you are.

He can call you if he really wants to. And you can talk to him if you really want to. This is my conversation that I'm having. He knows damn well I'm not gonna pick up though. You know what I'm saying? What are you saying then? What do you think about it? What I'm saying, what I think is,

I have the greatest opinion about that. You wanna tell someone hi? Do you wanna tell. Hi. Do you want to tell someone? Hi, do you want to tell someone hi? Tell them hi. Yeah, don't use the middleman right there's it's utterly unnecessary It's high. It's not top-secret information. It's not important information. It's hello I got top-secret information for you. Hi Pass this along and make sure nobody else hears. Hi French did you go up? Why are you laughing French? What? Why are you laughing French? You're laughing French today, dude

Dude You don't ask somebody why they're laughing a certain way while they're laughing and that is the bottom line. Okay. Okay. I agree with that a little bit. Because it fucks the laugh up and it stops the laugh.

But it doesn't, I don't think it does with us, but okay, I itch in with us. You think we're an exception? Yeah, we're beyond that. Okay. We're beyond that and I feel like you know that. Making me feel bad. Yeah. Making me feel bad. Yeah.

Making me feel bad. Why aren't you moving your face enough today? I have plastic surgery. No, you're keeping your face real still. What's up? Something's up. Yeah. What?

I don't know. Dude, no I'm not. Okay. I'm so dizzy. Okay. Yeah, I don't think that, tell them hi is okay, but don't fuck up the conversation for it.

Oh, tell them hi, I will. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, click. Craig says hi. That's the best way to do it. They text you back, they text you back. Do you tell Craig, I say hi? Text Craig. All right, yeah.

Yeah, I just, I think it's a bit much. I think it's like, I think it's, you know what I think it is? I think it's something people do without thinking and I you know what I think it is? I think it's something people do without thinking and I hate stuff like that. Well they do, yeah. And you do hate stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't do that without thinking though. Yeah. If I'm say, tell someone to say hi, I genuinely want you to do that. Okay. Oh, oh you know what? Tell them I say hi. I want, please do that. Relay

that. You know what's good good tell him I say I miss them tell him I say that's worse I want to suck their crank oh dude you are you're with him dude you be favorite Tom Tom I want to suck his crank yeah oh okay hey Matt says he wants to suck your crank yeah okay yeah he wants to see he says he wants to suck your crank too Yeah? Okay. Yeah, he wants to, he says he wants to suck your crank too. See? Then it all works out for everybody. Yeah, he was, or do it my way. Be like, okay, I will.

Yeah, you're cool. Anyway, I click. Matt wants to suck your crank. Ha ha ha. Are those new sunglasses? See ya. Such a dick, dude. Well, no, they're not that new.

They're not new. Those are really, did I borrow those? Yes, you that new. They're not new. Those are really, did I borrow those ones? Yes, you borrowed them. They're not new. Attitude central today, dude. Okay. And it's all good. All right.

Next one. Next one. Hey man, Chris, this is Brendan. I'm calling from LA. Chris, I love you. I am very jealous of the lens that you view life through. And Matt, you're just a sexy, dude Glad you guys are doing this podcast together. It is so awesome

I'm calling in today to get some advice on a certain kind of complexity that I have And I want some guidance or advice on it So I'll I just recently moved in with my girlfriend and it's been awesome. I love her to death. She's great. Cool. But she's kind of an over-thinker. And the reason why I bring this up is because I will normally be like enthusiastic and happy and just try to joke around a lot. But sometimes going throughout the day or whatever, something very small will maybe off put my mood or it'll kind of throw me off and I don't even realize what

it is or I don't know what happens, but I just get very low energy and my responses aren't all that enthusiastic or whatever it is. It's nothing that my girlfriend's doing at all. It's just it's only me Okay, but I think that fate she thinks I'm Like an editor or like she's doing something wrong. Well, she's kind of told her that I Get like this sometimes but I am trying to work on it and change it. Yeah, of course So if you guys have any advice on how maybe I can get out of that rut when something happens that bothers me, or I don't know, maybe something

I can explain to her just to make sure that she knows it's nothing that she's doing, that would be awesome. Yeah, I can help you out. Love you guys. Thanks, dude. What's it mean when someone says they're jealous of someone's worldview? Then you just have that worldview, then.

Don't be jealous. Well, you can't just take on a worldview. You can envy the way someone thinks about the world, but you can't just be like, oh, you know what? I take that on now. Okay. It makes sense. Okay, okay.

I thought that too, but then I thought it through because I'm smarter than you. So I just, I kept going. You're not. And ended up making some. Okay, but smarty pants, what do you have to say about this? I got an idea, but go ahead. You said you're a smarty pants.

Wait, you said smarty pants, what do you think about this? And then you didn't say anything. No, about this. to say about this? I got an idea, but go ahead. You said you're a smarty pants. Wait, you said smarty pants, what do you think about this? And then you didn't say anything. No, about this. Oh, about this? Oh, well here's the thing. You have a penis, she happens to have a vagina. It's crass.

Now, the way this works is- You stick it in there, you make a baby. What you're describing is- Sex. French. Every single relationship that has ever happened. That is true. Let me guess, you don't clean up, you don't do the dishes right?

So deeper, dude. No, but... Let me guess, you leave your pants on the stairs sometimes? It's natural. Why the fuck are you leaving your pants on the stairs sometimes? It's, it's, it's natural. Why the fuck are you leaving your pants on the stairs? Cause I take my pants off running upstairs. That's insane. Well, that's my shit dude.

All right, well, whatever. Anyway, we'll leave that. I gotta go upstairs, fuck, I've never had pants on upstairs. We'll leave that aside for now. But that is so normal. That. So normal.

It almost doesn't even warrant like examination. But yeah. Unless this is the first serious relationship you've been in and then it does require asking a question. The answer unfortunately is you woman. That's how it goes. I love it when a woman says to a man something like, that is like, let me think, hey, you know, I have a gripe, I love it when a woman or a man, it could be in reverse.

When a woman, when someone, it could be in reverse, when a woman, when someone of the opposite sex has something of the opposite sex about how like, you know, you're the only guy that does this and like, no, you're not. Like that happens so much, all of my guy friends, every single one in relationships, they all have the same complaint.

It's always the same. And, and, and, and all, I'm assuming all women do too. And you're saying you're told you're the only guy that is. Yeah. And a woman will be like, they'll, they'll be like, cause they think they see somebody, they'll be like, he doesn't do that. And you're like, yeah, he does. somebody they'll be like he doesn't do that and you're like yeah he does. You just aren't with him. Yeah. You think that John doesn't leave his pants on the stairs? I mean he probably doesn't cuz that's right. But it's a version of that.

Yeah, okay, yeah. You know? Anyway, I have an idea. I have a great idea. Okay. She, there's a little bit of co-dependence going on here and that's fine. I have a great idea. Okay. She, there's a little bit of codependence going on here and that's fine, I have that. You should have a shirt, a color of shirt,

one shirt, get two of them if one gets dirty, that you wear when you're in a mood and it has nothing to do with her. Wear that shirt. This way, she knows immediately when she sees you, oh, he's in one of those moods that has nothing to do with me, awesome. And if he is in one of those moods

and he's not wearing one of those shirts, then you get to be like, what's wrong? What did I do? Right. Also it's possible that she's gonna say, he's wearing one of those shirts just so he can get away with pretending that he's not mad at me.

Now, ain't that just like a woman, but here's the thing. But now what I was gonna say is if that's true you end it because that's the bad news girl. Well, well no but let me actually go beyond that. That's the whole reason why the shirt exists because the guy is not going to be mad at her and then do the extra thing of putting the shirt on. Yeah. To act like, you might act like it when you're just walking to the stairs like, ah, nothing. But you got the shirt on, bro. Yeah.

If you don't got the shirt on, ah, nothing, it's not nothing. Oh, you're not wearing a shirt. The shirt is the key. Also oftentimes, ah, nothing, even if it's something, it's something that's nothing, something that's nothing. The nothing is an aid of the relationship. It's like, I don't wanna start a fucking thing over nothing.

That's true. And so when someone's like, oh no, it's nothing, take their word for it. Let them help you out. You don't need to be like, no, no, no, no, no, word for it. Let them help you out. You don't need to be like, no, no, no, no, no, what is it? Come on, really, something's bothering you, what is it? Why?

Why do we do it? I mean, I do it, don't get me wrong. I'm not like fucking exempt from this, but like it's so stupid that we do that. Stop it. Talking to myself, stop it. Okay. Yeah, that's cool.

Okay, next one That guy had beautiful eyes. Yeah. Hey, what's up? Chris and Matt? Love the show. Thanks, bro Got a bit of a coffee situation going on with the wife. So As married couples do you know, we we take turns, you know making coffee for each other in the morning Do I have figured the exact setting that I like on the coffee machine, right? It is you push the button that says strong and then you push 10 ounces and that's our like But I can tell whenever she makes the coffee for me. She doesn't do it. It that's not what she's pressed That's not the button. She's press I can tell by the amount of liquid in in the cup, right? Yeah, so

My question is And I've told her this numerous times Wow, how do I get the message across that if You are nice enough to make coffee for me in the morning. Yeah, I like the coffee as a strong ten right help me out Thanks, no divorce That's like hmm. Maybe she's too so tired Right. Help me out. Thanks. No, divorce. That's like, hmm.

Maybe she's too so tired or something. Yeah, my first thought is like, she just woke up and she's like, but how many times has he told you? Well. Oh, dude, oh, dude, oh. What? A fucking post-it note. Yeah, but.

It's so simple. For me, the king, your husband, if you're gonna do it, do that. You will create this cup of coffee at exactly this way. 10 ounces. And you'll do it topless. And strong. 10 ounces and strong.

Write it three times. 10 ounces and strong. She fucks it up again. It's like, there's a hole in her brain. Talk about your penis, 10 ounces and strong. Yeah, French. I, uh, ha ha ha, you're French.

So you're French. I am French. So, I don't know why that happens, but I... That's a weird one, cause a lot of times it's, look, take me leaving my pants on the floor or something, or the stairs, whatever.

The stairs, what the fuck are you doing? I was just coming up with a thing to make it interesting, but what happens is I'll put it on the floor and then I'll put it over on the stairs cause I need to take it up is what I mean. I don't actually take my pants off while I'm walking. Oh, so you'll take your pants up downstairs, put them on the stairs to remember to take them up.

Yeah. Oh, totally normal. I know, I know, I know. So, but you know, I roll with it, you know. I roll with it, with the jokes and stuff. But, all right, cool. So, so say, because sometimes this stuff happens, right? Like, you know, Kristen doesn't like it

when I leave my socks on the couch or something, which is totally understandable. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. OK? It doesn't bother me at all. Sure.

Well, that's why you do it. If there are socks on the couch, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody's socks. I don't care. And so, well, I mean, if it was not someone that didn't live there's socks, it'd be weird, but often she'll go to bed and I'll watch TV.

I'll take my socks off and pants off and I'll think, gotta remember that. And then I'll fall asleep on the couch, forget, go upstairs. And then the next morning I'll be like, oh, whoops. Okay. That is kind of like that, but it's not because, I mean, I guess what I'm saying is the forgetful thing

is the thing, but how is she forgetting something that's so specific while she's doing it for you? You know what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I do. It's definitely, definitely weird. It's worse than what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I do. It's definitely, definitely weird. Than what I'm saying. That you've mentioned it multiple times.

Your wife is worse than me. It's so, I know the kind of coffee maker is talking about. I do too. It's a really shitty coffee maker. Yeah, I know, I have it. You have it? Do you use it? It's a fucking piece of goddamn shit trash. Okay

Well, I also have a good one, but you don't need to maybe start my coffee stuff first things first get a regular fucking coffee maker Not a fuck. No Kerrig with k-cups. No, no you fucking that's not true lazy fuck That's not true because because you get that and and that's a nice thing to have Tucked away in the corner in the, yeah, with behind the real coffee machine. Okay. If you're in a hurry. Anyway, or you want one cup.

Kerry's fine. Anyway. If you want one cup, Kerry's fine. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, mate. But that's what he's saying. He wants one cup. Okay, okay.

He wants it the way he wants it. He wants it to be strong. Like your penis. Then let's put aside what I'm saying about it being shitty. How heavy do you think your penis is? How heavy? I've never weighed my penis. I know, but that's what I'm saying about it being shitty. How heavy do you think your penis is? How heavy? I've never weighed my penis. I know, but that's why I'm saying that.

Why do you think? Cause mine's five pounds. So fucking uncomfortable. I've weighed it. I go on the gym scale. I get down real low on the ground and I just have it like this. Sir?

Ah man. Sir, we have to ask you to leave. And then I do my balls too, but then that usually is 15 to 20 pounds. You pull your penis to the side and just do your balls Penis over my shoulder or you can you could weigh your penis? Then weigh both your penis and balls and subtract the penis. Yeah, you know Mm-hmm, which is what most people do. I have to get my penis on a diet

Fuck was my penis is too big fuck. It's just weird that she just doesn't, it just. My balls need to die. Sometimes people get, get, have a hole in the brain about certain things. Yeah. I do. I have a hole in my brain about the way my aunt's name is spelled. Like I can't remember if it has one or two L's.

What? Doesn't matter how many times. That's weird. I know. All right. Well, this is why there's a hole in my brain. Sorry, and I know okay It's one L, but it's and I'll hear that I'll remember. Oh, it's of course. It's one L. Yeah, I have time like that I'll be like what the fuck is it is stuff like that, but everyone does nephew though

So that's why I think the post-it is the thing Put a fucking post-it on the Carr. And Aunt Michelle should wear a name tag. And yes, Aunt Michelle should wear a name tag so I don't get confused. By the way, I think Michelle should only have one L. Yes, dude. That's how it is. That's how I think it should be.

And I know most start with two Ls and I don't like that. Are most, is that why I get confused? For sure, yeah, that's why I get confused. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, I guess I didn't know that. Michelle is so dope Yeah, for sure. Oh, okay. I guess I didn't know that. Michelle is so dope with 1L. I always thought that. And when I found out Aunt Michelle has 1L, I go, oh, fuck, that's awesome.

I don't... I've always loved the name Michelle. I've always loved the name Nicole. Yeah, same. I've always loved the name Shit Stained McGee. Those are my top three. That one I don't like as much, but the first two are good. All right, next one. Doing a magic trick.

Oh, here we go. What is your opinion on the SS United States being sunk off of the Gulf Coast of Florida? The Joker. And what do you think that means about sinking America's flagship? The Joker. And also, isn't that pretty much poisoning the planet.

Batman. Which is completely contradictory of the whole thing. I don't know, I don't get. So drunk, the Joker. They shouldn't be sinking the ship. They should restore it to a museum. I don't know. The Joker retired but can't leave the life behind him.

It breaks my heart. Oh, man. Start start over. No, that was like just wacky. So drunk from the top wife just left him before any afternoon sent us that because he's obsessing about that. What is your opinion on the SS United States being sunk off of the Gulf Coast of Florida?

Yes. So fucking drunk. You'd of the Gulf Coast of Florida? Yes. So fucking drunk. Dude, play the first part of that again. Play the first part of that. I can't believe how drunk it is. I do quicker. Play it! I'm getting pissed, though.

Here we go. What is your opinion on the SS United States being sunk off of the Gulf Coast of Florida? You know what the drunkest part is? Pause it. off of the Gulf Coast of Florida? You know what the drunkest part is? What? Pause it. Off of the Gulf Coast of Florida. Yeah, really fucking drunk.

And also threw up in his mouth and then started, started, started, but listen to how he threw up in his mouth and then started to go ahead. Okay. What is your opinion on the SS United States being sunk off of the Gulf Coast of Florida and what do you think that means about sinking America's flagship and also isn't that pretty much poisoning the planet which is completely contradictory of the whole thing I don't't know. I don't get it. They shouldn't be sitting on the ship.

They should restore it to a museum. Yeah. Oh, what are your thoughts? Threw up. Yeah. It breaks my heart. Threw up. Okay. Why does it break your heart though?

Well, he's drunk. That's why. It breaks my heart that they don't make this submarine a museum. You're museum you're You're obviously right like why would you sink a ship? Instead of doing something interesting with it like break it in a fucking museum give it to a kid or make it like a Tourist attraction you can board the ship

For a fucking price, I think we have to get drunk to figure this out. But it shouldn't break your heart though. He cried about it so hard after. He went on up and cried. If that's breaking your heart, dude, what's going on in this country right now, you're never not just bawling. He's just drunk. He's just bawling all the time

about what's going on in this country. I have advice for you, don't drink. That's good advice too. Don't drink and then send submissions. Literally gonna be listening to Lifeline and he's gonna be like, that's me. Did I send it? When did I do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's gonna cry all over again because he's gonna realize it's his first time. Although he made it originally as a video, but realized he looked so fucking wasted that he cut out the video part and just sent it as an audio. I want you to agree with me that he sounds like the Joker. Great. I said it. I mean, he's... Okay.

There's another thing here, which is, they're sinking the ship because it becomes an artificial reef. So it's good for the environment. Wait, how does that work? creating a like an environment for Sea life to live in and that's what they say though, but fish are fine without it, dude. Is that fucking true? That's stupid That's I don't believe that you don't need hey the fish are fine swimming around. You don't need to sink a submarine, dude But maybe maybe you do. Yeah, do you know what a USS Blank is? Yeah dude. The most no ever, you know.

Yeah dude. I had no idea that that's what it did. You can just not do that and the fish will be just swimming around fine. This guy can stop fucking crying. You can unbreak your heart. You can be Tony Braxton right fucking remember that shit on break my heart Check this out say you love me again On cry these tears and then I don't remember it was such a big hit and I used to get a fucking big

Daddy Mac boner from watching When I used to watch Tony Braxton, dude. Perf! Dude, there was a one time on Loveline, you know? Yeah. Shout out to Loveline, that's why this is called Lifeline. But a guy called in and he was like, he was talking to Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky. He was like, how can I, he's like, I get such boners and I can't stop thinking about,

and I masturbate so much to things like the Tony Braxton Unbreak My Heart. Really? Yeah. It was me. Yeah, so it was basically the same person. That was me calling. So obviously it was something she was doing in the video. I was 13.

She's just like, Unbreak my heart. I have a question. Say you love me again. Close up. Can we, I think I know the answer to this, watch this without getting demonetized? Watch what? The video. No. Okay, we'll save it for luxury then.

Because we gotta get to the bottom of why it caused so many fucking boners. Uncry these tears. Going up a rope on a Navy ship. So far in a Navy ship. Un-cry these tears. Say you love me again. Playing Nintendo, dude. The fake hand jobs you give, dude.

Play it. Oh, wait, no. You know what? It might have been, I get so high. The fake hand drops you give dude. Play it. Oh wait no, you know what? It might've been, I, I get so high. It's dirty morning, honey. I, I get so high.

Under the temperature. What are you doing? What are you singing? I, I get so high. Gay dude. Just pretending. Not if it's a woman jerk. Not it's a woman gay Tugging the balls though. You're tugging the balls. I get so hot What's happening? I get in a fucking full Nelson the balls and the balls are full of so not good, you know dude, let me.

Ah, I get so high. Just look at it. DDT-ing it. DDT-ing it. You're on the other end of it like this, like this. No, no, no, no. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Brrr. That guy's like, I got to call Love Line. I Guys like I gotta call love line Let me tell you something right now, ah So French Smokes whole life friends dying on Riviera. Dude, so hold on. Hold on, hold on. 40 minutes in.

It is always 40 or something minutes in where we just really get going. I would say, if you listen to Lifeline, go to 40 minutes in and watch that and then go back. Because we always. They might need the beginning to get the goods. He's right, he's right, he's right. It's like going to the 40 minute mark

of your favorite movie. Yeah, you're right. It is art, what we do is art. What we do is art. French. French! Bro, why can't you stop laughing French? I guess it's just how I laugh now.

I don't know what to tell you, man. I don't know. Okay. Anyway, fuck was I gonna say? Tony Braxton, there were a bunch of videos back in that era that you just used to just give me the biggest bone daddy rock cards. It was just like-

Bone daddy rock cards. Video after video after video, just like, oh Boner, oh Boner, oher Oh Boner Oh Boner and then you Shit oh Danny boy, oh fuck no it was like And this is how we chill till 93 till oh fuck it was always a hip-hop song obviously or an R&B song right? I wasn't chumbalong. And they were too short to finish jank-yanking it to, because every once in a while, Nelly would be on.

Disgusting. And you'd be like, uh, uh, uh, uh. Hot in! Yeah. And you'd be looking at Nelly. So hot in here! This dude is just so stupid, dude, you know? Doesn't feel good.

Doesn't feel good. Doesn't feel good. Hot in. Make it a pizza. Make it a fucking pizza. No. Oh shit, dude. So hot in here.

Putting a condom on? What's happening? No, tugging the nuts, holding them down, keeping them there, and then rubbing on the frenulum tip. Gay. Just utterly giving gay men lessons. It's crazy how many lessons you're taking. I get so high and then I'll be the moment. I get so high and then I'll show you temperature. What is that turning butter? What are you doing?

No, no, no, no. You took your hair tie off. Uh-huh. Made it go once around the nuts and then twisted it again. So you put a second revolution around the nuts. Revolution around the nuts. You're the grass Tyson. This way you don't have to hold it. It keeps it tight and then you,

ah, I get so high. Play with a friend and look at him. Dude, I really hope mom and dad doesn't listen to this episode. Of course they're gonna watch this episode. They watch every episode. Dad's literally gonna buy the end and just be like, I didn't know what they were talking about.

Yeah, true, true, true. And mom's gonna be like, I didn't like it. Yeah, I don't like when you guys talk about the phrandulum tip. We know that you didn't like that, yeah. I think you should stop talking about the phrandulum tip. Oh man, fuck. Geez.

Okay. Just imagine being like a 15, 16 year old gay boy. No. You just like gave the- I don't want to. I don't want to, you know? Gave like the greatest tutorial ever on how to handle dicks. Well, no. No, no.

You don't need tutorials on how to handle dicks if you have a dick. God, you know what is interesting? That is interesting. I've thought about that quite a bit. It's actually not interesting. No, it is. It is. Because if you're a straight guy like me, I'm a straight guy, dude.

I am. I'm the straightest guy in this room. Like, this is a ver- No. Just like as an illustration of my straightness. This is you. This is me. This is you. This guy dude in this room like this is a very as a more just like isn't this is your I should have my straightness. This is you this is me. This is you no no this is just crazy straight, okay? I've Especially when I was young I was like what do I do like?

Pussies are so different than dicks you have no idea how to handle them whatsoever shut the fuck up even even even like people who knew you'd ask them and you'd be like whoa what do you mean it gets like that like what but dude if you're if you're fucking gay and you just like have a dick you're like I know exactly what to do with this shit exactly let's do this the moment you realize you're gay, you're just like, oh yes, dude. I got it. And as a matter of fact, I know what to do with the butthole too because I have that too.

No anxiety about it whatsoever, yeah. But I will tell you this, I never was like, what do I do with a vagina? What do you mean? I would just be like, I'm sure it's fine. I got it going on, it's fine. I got it going on, it's fine. I got it going on. I don't really know what's going on down there,

but it's all good. I go like this, it's all good. Ha ha ha, Star Trek, fucking Star Trek. It's all good. And then it, the pussy opens up. All right, man. You know how I go yeah I get it yeah yeah but I got my girl on face ID now I got I got Kristen on face

ID are you like this I look at her and go this and she goes you got problems okay cool you got I got face ID orgasm what's that mean I don't know what you're saying oh I see I see I see I see what he's saying. Oh, oh, I see, I see, I see, I see. What makes sex so boring, you know? Ah! No physical interaction whatsoever. I gotta get going. To where?

Ha ha ha ha. Ah, man, I gotta go to CVS. You know what, sweetie, lay down here. Ha ha ha ha. Ah! All right, I'm out of here. Hey, sweetie, lay down. Sweetie, lay down, lay down. All right. See you later.

Why can't the Face ID orgasm? The Face ID remember you in sunglasses, you know, I don't know Are you in a hat you hook up your? Wife to face ID orgasms. It's on that's not something Explain what you might mean. It will be dude, you you know, it's like looking at an apple And if you so and sometimes it doesn't work, so you go you go. I don't know what's going on God that's yeah.

That is gonna be some version of the future. It's not working. I'm locked out. Let me do it. I'm ruining the mood so hard dude. Ruining the mood so hard. Christian's literally out of the room. Left the room. Left the room.

Ah! Okay, cool, gotta go to CVS. Ha ha ha ha. Two-step authentication. Two factor authentication? Two factor authentication, you're doing it and you're doing it and you're just staring and you won't work, you're staring because

it gets so horny, ha ha. And what? Oh ho ho. So French dude. Ha ha ha. Now who's French? Oh, ho, ho, ho. It's death. So French, dude. Now who's French? Oh, ho, ho, ho. I really, we gotta hide this episode from mom and dad.

You know what I've always thought about? How, what? Me. How French guys, when they fuck. Okay. You know how like, well American guys, English guys, whatever, they're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah. I know Oh change your mind Man make Murray dude, we've talked about man. Yeah, we're talking about having Murray. We found him didn't we we found it

He's like a works for a rep in Michigan, right? Oh, yeah. Just isn't paying him to slide his shit. I'm looking him up again. Playing Arkanoid. Oh, fuck. Remember Arkanoid, dude? Oh, my god.

I used to love that game. It's a shit game, you know? Wait, there's a movie? Fuck. I'll think of it when we do. Oh, here we go. A arachnoid game, god damn it. Arachnoid, there it is, arachnoid, the top one.

See on the upper left? That's it. Yeah, that's it, yeah. It was the bar that would bounce the ball. It was like ball breaker. Yes, yeah, well what the fuck's ball? Arachnoid, look's it. Yeah. It was the bar that would bounce the ball. And we know. It was like ball breaker. Yes, yeah. Well, what the fuck's ball breaker? Archanoid, look at that.

Ball breaker what? It was like my wife. Oh! Ha ha ha ha! A vaudeville comedian, dude. Dude, these graphics all look sick as fuck. No. Why do I like old graphics?

Look at that green one. Because that's when you were happy. Hit so hard. Yeah. It's always why. It's a struck so hard. Nothing mattered back then. All good.

Not the pickles. All right. Want to do the next one? Sure. Yeah. Let's do one more before we get the fuck out of here. Oh, so dark. Okay. So disregard the last voice memo where I said that the sinking a bedship breaks my heart

It doesn't really break my heart this guy it just bothers me sobered up I'm a big ocean lion enthusiast, but uh real question Would you rather hire a baboon to be your nanny or would you rather adopt a swan to be? essentially a guard dog of your house Or would you rather adopt a swan to be essentially a guard dog of your house? Anyway, I love the show, bye. No man, what? This guy should get drunk again. I really, I really like this guy.

But he needs to be drunk to make sense because that shit makes no sense. A swan to be your bodyguard would be the absolute single worst idea in history. A swan wouldn't guard anything. You couldn't even teach it to like know what's special to you. Like the fucking you're gonna come in with guns and you're gonna see a swan and the swan's not gonna do anything It's gonna go away Because it sees a person by the one as a nanny's worse baboon as a nanny just ripping the baby's armies off

Yeah, I mean, I was a nanny. Yeah with kids. I guess I didn't think yeah. Yeah, okay Okay, this one because the swan will do no no harm And the baboon will fucking kill your kid. You know? Baboons are pretty cute though. Hey, hey, hey, how about this? Guy, hey guy, get a job. Hey guy, think, you know? Hey guy, think different stuff.

Dude, he had a microphone in the background and a model airplane. He literally went from crying and having a broken heart about the USS, what was it? United States, the SS United States. The SS United States had a broken heart about them sinking it and having an ecosystem for the fish and it not becoming a museum piece.

Forgot, no, no started crying got drunk Fell asleep woke up. There was a package edge door got so excited was the model airplane set it up and then did that video Man How do we feel about model airplanes for real though? That can be cool. I Think that too. I think there are a bunch of things that like 20 years ago, even though I'm really young, that I would have thought were so dumb that now I'm like, that's the shit, dude. I actually had this thought about a fucking epic toy train

set the other day. I saw this toy train set. It wasn't a toy. It was like a yeah I know train set that like just went all around and it was like huge and it was Really involved and had like the names of the things on it like Union Pacific and I was like this is the shit Dude 15 years ago. I would have been like this is the Dorkiest dumbest fucking thing but it is though. It's both if you like it. It's amazing But this is the best version of the dorky shit, but there's something about

Somebody caring so much about that thing that makes me happy dude, even though I think it's stupid What the fuck am I I'm one guy like one guy? Who cares what I think? One man thinks that model trains are dorky. 15 years later, thinks it's the utter shit. This much. This much. This much? This March. This March.

Chica choo choo. Go see a fucking The Train movie. The worst movie. I mean I would just start up a worse movie in the world. I would see it, yeah.. I mean, I would just start up being the worst movie in the world. I would say, yeah. Yeah. I would say. But do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do.

But what you're describing is people get more specific when they get older. You just like, like, dude, my son thinks like a talking plushie is unbelievable. OK. And that's not, that's not, it's like, no. When he grows up, he's not gonna think that. He's gonna think more intricate,

specific things are unbelievable. Okay, but also kids think toy train sets are unbelievable. Not those kinds, though. Sure, okay, yeah. Yeah, okay, all right, so. I'm just saying, to like something that much as an adult is cool almost no matter what, as long as it's not like murder

or hurting someone. Right. You know? Yeah. Because I'm like, what do I like? Well, I don't know. I like baseball. I like some other things, but I'm not like a hobbyist.

It was so sick to have a hobby I would be yeah god damn send me ideas for hobbies you assholes you've never once sent me thousands and thousands of you watch this show every week now one of you has sent me an idea for a hobby what the hell is wrong with you oh I have hobbies you know I just want to do what I love and that's not my hobby that's my whole life there we go my stand-up comedy Mike my kids my family like that's what I wanted to I know but if that can't be hobbies but if a hobby came across your way that you were like oh damn then you would do that what it

what would it be though I don't know that's's my point. Nah. Ah, fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about. Ah, fuck you. We're working out, but then it's like, that's- Ah, shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're fucking talking about. Oh. I don't know, man. I don't know, dude.

Chris, you got any hobbies? What's up? Me? Yeah, you got hobbies, right? Yeah. What, like, right? Uh, yeah. What, like, what, what, what do you like? Um, well, I play golf. Yeah, that's kinda-

No, that's a hobby. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Alright, what else? He's not fucking Tiger Woods. Yeah, no, I don't mean you're an amateur at it. Yeah. Okay, what else?

I'm not good, but I play golf and that's fun. Okay. Anthony, do you have hobbies? Yeah, I play video games. I play video games and jack off. See? I don't wanna be a jack off. Video games are a huge one. What if that's where mom and dad turned it off?

We don't wanna hear them talking about jacking off. You don't have a single hobby. No, I have all my video games set up and like my Twitch set up and I got it ready. And I want to Twitch. I just haven't really done it yet, but I guess that would be a hobby. Is Twitch specifically for gaming?

No, no, no, it's not. It's not. It's a huge gaming thing, but it's not just for that. Cause the new show I'm doing, we stream to Twitch. Yeah. And it's just a show. Right. So it's anything a show. Right, yeah. So it's anything.

Yeah. Oh, cool. Twitch is the shit, huh? Some of the biggest streamers on Twitch are not gamers. Right. Yeah. Like that guy, Kaisanaka. Is it Hassan on Twitch?

Hassan is, yeah. Okay. And do they have deals with like, some of them do. I don't think Twitch does deal with it. No, no, no, but they have deals with other brands. Right. Well, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, are there people that are exclusive to,

like, they are only on Twitch or only on Rumble or I don't know. I think they used to do that. But Twitch doesn't offer those deals anymore. I wonder why. I don't know. There was a point, though, when a lot of Twitch streamers were getting, like, $50 million deals.

I should do that. Like, a few years ago. Oh, yeah? Dude, I should do that. What do you years ago. Oh, yeah Dude, I should do that. Will you what do you guys call twitch for me? Yeah and ask for that for Matt for Matt Yeah, I There's other companies like I think there's like kick or something kick. We we stream on kick dude. We keep we know How do you do it? Listen to me.

Oh, fuck. It's not going to be annoying, I promise. No, it is. Maybe a little bit. We stream to every single platform besides Rumble. OK. Nothing against Rumble. I'm not like, fuck Rumble.

It's just like, yeah. But every single thing, dude. Instagram. You know why Instagram sucks to stream to? You have that hour limit. Oh, you do? Yeah, dude, you can only go live for an hour. I didn't know that. So you go live and then it. It just goes live to everywhere, everywhere, at the same time, at the same time.

So it goes to it goes to it goes to Patreon. It goes to fucking both to patreon it goes to fucking Both of my youtuber channels it goes to kick twitch X It literally goes to everywhere. Are you live on tik-tok? You should you know why I'm not alive on to attack because you got to have a thousand followers on tick-tock before you can Go get it in the heartbeat. I know but I'm not I haven't gotten it which is done with big streamer contracts Why And a heartbeat. I know, but I haven't gotten there yet. Twitch is done with big streamer contracts. Why? No, all right. Fuck you guys. They're just done.

They don't do it anymore. No, why would they do it if it wasn't worth it for them? I get it. It's really shitty, man. It sucks though, because the internet, like you know what sucks is? Like I'll follow somebody that I like, because they're my friend.

Yeah. And then I'll like, for months and months, I'll just never see I like because they're my friend. Yeah. And then I'll like, for months and months, I'll just never see one of their posts. And that sucks. Cause that's Instagram doing that. That is Instagram. You know, and it's like, I gotta go to the guy's page and be like, what's he been up to?

Yep. That sucks, dude. Yeah, Instagram is. It used to not be like that. And now they figured out that it's in their best interest to do it this way. And it just sucks. Everyone, we make less money. And why is it in their best interest to do it this way. And it just sucks. Everyone, we make less money.

And why is it in their best interest? Because it, because now, because you have to pay. They want, they want brands to pay. They want it all to be about money. Yeah. It wasn't back then when you just had websites, people didn't even know you could make money on Vine. Bro, I made money. Coke paid me to do stuff on Vine. They paid me so much money to do stuff on vine. Nobody knew at the end of the day Everything and everyone sucks on the crank corporations. It's been a while. It's just

True, dude. It's crazy Yes, sir, I think you should Start gardening you have a lot of outdoor space. You could build a garden. And then, that could be a hobby. Oh, it's a hobby. That's a good hobby. I like gardening too. That's a good one.

I totally forgot why you might've said that. And I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? What if that's how his brain broke? And then he can live off the land. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe you'll never have a hobby in the history.

I wanna have one. I had Jiu-Jitsu for a while, but then it's like I hurt my knee and I'm like, alright, well fuck it then You hurt your knee pretty bad. I took you to your surgery. Why don't you buy like an expensive coffee maker? And brew your own coffee. Oh, dude, you could be like a coffee guy not worth it. What do you know about worth it? Wow, I mean I didn't think that this would stall this out. He shut me down. I'm down. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Alright, well, it's been a fucking hour.

It was a great episode, no matter what Chris says. No, no, it was great. Sign up for Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. Get up in that piece. There are now over 50 Episodes up there. There are the two live Episodes which are absolutely and utterly Genius you want to get in there. It's very cheap per month. You want to get in there

You want to get been there you want to fucking get tin there? Let's do it. I'm actually posting this Valentine's Day bit right now, because I have to, because Valentine's Day was three days ago. Oh, that's a boring thing to say. Okay. All right, we love you. Talk to y'all soon.