Lifeline - 161. He's a Eunuch

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

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Go see the boy. All right. See, I don't even want, you don't even need to do all that for me. I don't care, though. I'm great. I'm great at stuff. Good tickets. So, it's episode 161.

I am done. It's Sunday, May 18th. Happy birthday to Pope John Paul II and also rest in peace. You know what I mean? Oh, well it's not his birthday if he died, right? Nah, it's still the birthday. I know, but you don't have to celebrate it, right?

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If you don't, you hate me. Dude, it's hot. I had the plumber at my house today. Doing a bit. Get this. No, I did. Because my wife drove over one of the pipes and it burst. So it was awesome.

We had a huge guy. I'm sorry. How does someone drive over a pipe? Because it was under the ground and the casing broke. You know, it's like in the ground and the casing broke. And it just squirted up. Oh my god. It was like that for so long, dude.

We had to find where the water was. I had to get the hammer and smash the pipe to the side so it would stop doing it. And I did it. I'm like, it was like, you know that movie Daylight with Sylvester Stallone? You've never done anything like that. No, no, no, I can make it happen.

I'm really handy, but go ahead. No, I, you're handy like that movie, Handyman, in the, with Damon Wayans. Remember that one? Yeah, but wait, what? Because it stands for handyman? Was that called handyman? Handicapped.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I mean, it's so, they would never make that movie now. What was the character he did when he goes, ha, ha? That's that. Oh, I thought it was a drunk guy. Oh, you're talking about the, yeah, he did do that too. I mean, it's kind of the same one.

He just did ha, ha for everybody. But no, but handyman was also a guy who kind of did that, but you're talking about the. Bro, I can't believe he did this. Oh my God, yeah, I do remember this. Have no fear. Handyman is here. Whoa.

Okay, no, stop. No, no, no. Making me depressed, honestly. I love, I love In The Moon Color, but that is a depressing bit. Well, it's just weird because it's funny, but like it's wild that that used to be acceptable. I don't, I actually accept it. Not because it's offensive. I actually think that that is not funny.

Why? Because the suit, that's not funny. Like he's got a handicapped sign on his chest. That's just like, it's a dumb joke. And it's just like, I don't, you know what I mean? No, it's what it is, you know? I mean, Damien Wayne is hilarious. Yeah, he's hilarious.

And Tommy Davidson, wow, so funny. Tommy Davidson has a memoir out, or as I like to say, memoir. And he blows it all up, dude. Talks about everybody. Says that his best friend on that show, the one who was always the coolest to him, have a guess. David Anger? Nope.

Jim Carrey? Yep. All right. Jim Carrey. What were you saying? What am I saying? Well, I have a guess. Why have a guess? I just wanted you to guess see if you got it right. Okay. He hates the Keenan though. Keenan. Oh really? Yeah. I don't know anything about any of those guys except for the small times that I've been around them. I mean, Damon Wayans was nice. Damon Wayans Jr. is really great.

David Lerner Greer is really nice. They've always been nice to me, but I don't nice. Damon Wayans Jr. is really great. David Lerner and Greer is really nice. They've always been nice to me, but I don't know. I haven't met Keenan, and I met Jim Carrey. He's great. My favorite was always David Lerner and Greer on that show. So funny. Yeah, probably. The two game movie critics that him and Damon did?

Yeah. It was the funniest thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, yeah, she broke a pipe, and it bursted. And it's fine, but it's just annoying. I thought it was going to be like $20,000, you know, it was not. But it was so annoying because the guy we had no water for a night. Dude, get this. My AC has been not cranking.

Completely disregarded my story at all. No, it's got to do with some stuff. It's not been cranking hard enough. That's bad. And it's like, you know, I set it to like 70. You set it all day over the weekend. It was just at 80. The thermostat's at 80. So it was just cranking the whole time. I was like, it's not that hot. Like get it down to 70 at least one time. You know? Yeah. Even at night, it was like not doing it. Okay. And so I made an appointment with the guy that I found that I was going to use. It says they advertise $88 all in.

And this is their advertisement, right? I was like, oh, great. That's the lowest price that I've found so far. So I fill out the whole thing online and make the whole appointment, my address, my phone number. At the very end, there's a box you have to check to confirm the appointment. It says, I agree to $199, whatever it is, to go, just to visit. The visit alone is $199 on top of whatever everything costs. And I

was like, dude, you're the shittiest business. Yeah, exactly. It was going to be $288 at the minimum. That's so messed up, dude. Why is that? be $288 at the minimum. That's so messed up, dude. Why is that? Like that's such a bad way to do business. Yeah, but you check it because you don't look. They're counting on people being like, I already went this far. And or being lazy and just clicking.

Oh wow, dude. No, dude. No. I did not do it. And then I found a guy who said they'll come out for 80 bucks and then charge that, or that's just to come out there. And if there's something, you can put that 80 bucks toward what it costs. Well, that makes more sense. Obviously, that's what I'm gonna do.

The drive time, yeah. But yeah, I had a guy, I mean, it's hard not getting swindled, dude. I know. Like they'll do it too when they're there already. Because you're like, oh, they're going to leave. And then it's like, I might as well just pay now. I have another guy come.

And I had a guy. I have a lock wrong on my door. I had a locksmith come. And he's just like, it's going to be this much money. And I was like, what? Just for the lock? And he was like yeah, takes work. And I was like alright, because if I don't do it, he leaves and then he knows a lock doesn't fucking work and then he robs all my shit tonight. So what I did was I said yes, because

that's game tax really. You get charged, that's game tax. Oh you know what? He caught me slipping and that's what it is. I'm a little worried about my ex plumber. I haven't told the story on this podcast. I told it on a live stream of my own the other day. But real quick, I recently found a plumber handyman who I thought was like my guy. He's done a few jobs for me. Guys thought, like these pro guys came out to look at my toilet. They're like, I gotta replace the toilet. It's gonna be like $900, dah, dah, dah. I was like, I don't know.

And I had my guy come out and he was like, this is like whatever, whatever. It was like 80 bucks, 70 bucks. And- How big of a shit are you gonna take? Man, man, I can do with an 80 bucks. So that was like the third time in about six months he'd come out. So he's my guy. I always go to him first. Okay.

Okay? So one night my kitchen sink breaks. Okay. It was a Friday night. Okay. I text him, just say, hey, the kitchen sink's broken. Right. I can't really live without the kitchen sink. Right, right, right, right.

If there's any chance you can come take a look tomorrow morning, that would be amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. He, I mean. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. I He, I mean, I'm not, I'm not exaggerating. He wrote back reams and reams and reams of text, just like you have to scroll to read all of what he wrote, at least three times. You gotta clear the screen three times.

And he's being like, you expect me to come off this job I'm doing this weekend? He sends pictures of the job he's on. And I was like, fuck, this guy knows where I live. Yeah, but you didn't do anything wrong. I know, but he thinks I did. Yeah. And now I was like- Well, I'm saying like you, my God.

It was so bewildering. And I was so like, I even was like, I was just trying to give you money. Just say no. Did you write back? Yeah, I was like, you can just say you're busy. It's okay, dude, it's totally fine. I don't expect anything from you.

And he's like, cause when he installed the sync, he's like, I told you in my break, he was like, I was accusing him of having done it wrong. And I was like, no, no, no, I'll just ask somebody else. And he's like, oh, fine, you wanna take your business elsewhere after all we've been through? And I was like, oh my God. So wait, in that moment, was he a woman?

I'm just saying because the way he was arguing, the logic stuff. And this is the truth. The very first time I laid eyes on him, I thought- You fell in love because he's a woman. He's crazy. Oh, okay. But his rates were so low and he knew his shit.

Crazy, and he was crazy. He was so good at it, I was like, yeah, I don't care. Who cares? Everybody's a little bit crazy. How much is it going to cost? $12? Oh, okay. Sure, yeah, I guess so.

That's real cheap. Yeah. I mean, he was kind of so. That's real cheap. Yeah. I mean, he was kind of like that. He had a lisp. You know who he reminded me of is the go-go-go Obama guy. Okay, but now you're talking about him and he's just going to be like sending you more texts. No, he doesn't watch this show. Oh, God, dude. Cut to me. Just fucking...

Cut to him. Just fucking... Dark with the flicker of the... He's got a big list, you know, of people he's gonna kill. Just to be clear, I'm not gonna say his name, but if you are watching, I meant nothing by it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just trying to give you a job. Yeah. It's all good.

Yeah. My plumber. And that was right before Matt texted me, watch what I text my fucking jerk plumber. Yeah. So. No, it didn't happen. No, he didn't do that. But I will say, that's pretty wild, dude. It was so insane. You know what I would have written back? I would have written back, if he had sent all that,

I would have written back I dot dot dot. And that's it. I, cuz he would have felt so weird, dude. I don't know if a crazy person can feel weird like that though. One time I was at a strip club, I was in my 20s and I got the stripper's number. And then I left and I wrote her, what's up with your booby lubies? I'm assuming that didn't go very far. I never saw her but she was talking about and I was like, she responded.

Yeah. Everybody's crazy. Everybody in the world is absolutely crazy. You just gotta everybody. So what's up with your booby lupies? Booby lupies, man. And I was alone when I texted it. How old were you? 20.

24? God, I haven't been so long. Same, but I used to go all the time, but I would just like, man, I guess, wow, dude, booby-loobies. Anyway, why don't I get into this? Yeah, let's do it. This is a good idea. Good segue. Hey, Matt and Chris. get into a submission. Yeah, let's do it. This is a good idea. Good segue.

Hey, Matt and Chris, I just went to Starbucks for a coffee and paid for an additional cup with ice. And it got me thinking. The other day my son noticed that you have to pay 25 cents now for soup crackers and he was not pleased. I think that was his first experience of that. So my question for you is, what is your least favorite situation of

nickel ing and diming that seems to be popping up everywhere these days? Thanks. Dude, anytime there's a process fee, that means nothing. You go buy tickets to go see Bruno Mars and it's like, there's a $35 processing fee. What the fuck is that? What is that? I was gonna say the same thing. I was literally just looking at buying a movie ticket. The movie ticket was $17, $15 if you remember, but either way there was a $2 processing fee.

Oh really? What do you mean? You're saying exactly what I'm saying. Yeah. Dude, it's so weird. They do it on my shows. It drives me nuts, dude, because people will want to come see me. And we'll talk about what I make my prices.

I'll be like, yeah, make the ones in the second level this much, make the ones in the front row this much. And then I'll go look when they're live. And it'll be like, what? This isn't what I said, because all in with the processing fees and all that shit, it's like, but so it's like as an artist, you want to bring it down as much, but then you're not making any money because you've got to give a percentage to the theater anyway. It's crazy.

That stuff is just so crazy, Bo. People are crooks, man. Mm-hmm. No, it's true. People are crooks. They're crooks. Yeah, everyone's a crook. I mean, you were talking about that in the beginning of the episode, the plumber. No, it's true. People are crooks. They're crooks. Yeah, everyone's a crook.

I mean, you were talking about that at the beginning of the episode, the plumber, or not the plumber. No, it's the same, yeah, it's just, there's all these hidden fees. Dude, hidden fees is terrible, dude. It's so terrible, man. I don't like, I mean, I, every year, basically,

I get a letter from the IRS that says you were off on your taxes by anything from like $22 to $600 I've had but it's like shut the fuck up dude you're the yeah. And I don't have $600, fuck you. Like ask Jeff Bezos, you fucking assholes. Oh, well, that is just the, yeah, that's just the, that is the absolute. I don't wanna give you more money. I gave you so much money, and asking for $22 more

is more insulting than asking for $600 more. And they'll fuck you right in the ass, dude. Oh, they don't give a fuck, dude. But they will. It's so crazy that that really sucks that, yeah, they don't fucking pay taxes, man. That really sucks. It's the fucking, I honestly think it's the worst thing

about the country right now. The only worse thing than that is that people who are mad at that say, eat the rich. That drives me nuts. That, you know what that is though. It's literally just like an annoying expression from a particular period of history. It's just like a dumb expression.

Yeah, okay. They don't actually wanna eat anymore. No, You know, why do you hate it though? Because dude, it's just something that people hang on to. It's like, now everyone's saying like, anytime someone like makes fun of something, they're like, wow, that's crazy work. What is it? Oh, dude, I'm so out of the loop. Yeah, it's just that. It's just that. Or like, oh, diabolical. Diabolical, yeah. You know, it's like, dude, make up your own shit, bro. You know how, dude, I make up so much shit on my own. I work at it. The risk is no one will know what you mean if

you make up your own though. Good. Fuck those people. Okay. Okay. I want limited amount of people knowing what I, limited amount of people to know what I mean. All right. Fuck that. Why do I want, I want to talk in code, dude.

Okay. I literally want to be a spy. Okay. And that's it, dude. You don't ever know what the fuck I'm talking about. Flally poo. The worst comedian to just not be making any sense. No one knows what you mean. Clink.

Eating chips. Alright, yeah next one. To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest hot ash mines in Canada. Essential Resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. Hey Matt and Chris, big thing on the show, appreciate you guys taking the voice note. I know it's probably tough to not know what I look like. Wanted to see what you guys thought about the situation that happened. So I was, I had a relationship end a couple months ago and I've since found out that a couple weeks after the and a follow-up social media message to ask her out on a date, which in my opinion means that you weren't that drunk

if you're able to make the conscious decision. Yeah, dude. Anyway, irrelevant about her. Dirty. She's an ex being an ex, but this friend of mine doing that is like really, really making me angry. Dirty. And I wanna see what you guys thought

about how to work through this. Dirty. And I wanna see what you guys thought about how to work through this. Dirty. Thanks guys. Dude, you know what man? Well, here's the thing. If he doesn't think you're enough of a friend, then that's okay fine, but he's been like, if he's a really close friend that does that, that knows you'd be bothered

and is interested in keeping the relationship, no, that's fucked, dude. It is the game, okay, fine, it's the game, all right? Right, but, you know, friendships are stronger than the game, and you can't be friends with somebody who does that to you, you just can't. You can't, that's fucking awful. He's not your friend. You just can't, you can't, that's fucking awful. He's not your friend.

Have I fucked my friend's girls? No, you know? And I would, dude, you gotta have a, I'm joking, you gotta have a code. You gotta have a code, you gotta have a code, dude. This is bullshit, motherfuckers that are like, oh yeah, they broke up, I'm gonna see if I can get in here. Dude, you are, what are you, dude?

You're like a fucking, you're like, you're like, you're like. It's not secure. I'm trying to think of the fucking, you know what I mean? You're like a little bitch, you're like an Enoch, right? Like a fucking somebody who has no penis. Unique yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what it is what's Enoch?

Enoch is a name. Who's Enoch? A few people named Enoch. They have penises? Yeah yeah the men yeah. So Unique you meant Unique it's close. Unique all right yeah Unique, it's close. Unic, all right, yeah, Unic. They're a Unix, dude.

Yeah, no, there's a term, it's like, there's a term for guys that can only scoop. Yeah, bro, Unix. Okay, no, that's a term for guys without dicks, because they got cut off. Right, so they have to feel manly other ways by like trying to hit on your girl. Guarantee you his friend, ex friend wasn't a eunuch.

You know, isn't a eunuch. You think his name was Enoch? Yeah. What if it was Enoch? Wait, hang on. Enoch. Did he say two weeks or two months? It's sort of splitting hairs. Enoch, knock.

Who's there? Enoch. Nice. Two weeks or two months, did he say? Either way, that's way too short. Dude, if it was two years- Two years, fine, fine, dude. That is questionable.

Well, two years is the time where, okay, you can start thinking about it, I believe. I agree, but you should still be more upfront about it if possible. Yeah, you'd wanna say, yo bro. Yes, yes, yes. Look, I'm joking about, I've never fucked my friend's, whatever, girl, you know, I've never done that. I would never do that.

But like, I have, after they dated, a year or two later been like, yo, do you mind? And if they say no, then I honestly, they said no, and I still didn't do it. But I, just cause I felt weird, but if they said yes, then you know, I guess you're okay. I dated a girl.

Bragging? She's like six years after a kind of, I should say at the time a friend of mine. That's bitch shit though. I went over to his house. Yeah, this is crazy. To tell him that I was planning on like dating her. Because we had like gotten to know each other a little bit. And he outright was like, yeah, it's all right.

But he said, he was like, just so you know, I know her pretty well, probably better than you at this point, and I can tell you that she's not a good person. What? And I was like, oh. A eunuch. Okay, well, that's good to know,

but I obviously don't think that yet, at least, so I'm gonna keep, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. And anyway, I found out, first of all, that guy never talked to me again. Yeah. Ever. And I found out I ran into a different ex of mine. This is after the girl that I was asking to date,

we had already broken up. I ran into a previous ex and he said, out of myself as gay, she said, are you still friends with that? And then she said the guy's name. And I was like, no, actually, no. And she was like, OK. She was like, OK, I think that's a good thing.

And I was like, why? And she said, ah. And I was like, no, please tell me. We're not friends at all. Don't worry about it. And she said, well, he told me that you were dating his ex so like we should get together and like fuck just because of that and I was like what's so well that that that's who does that though weird that guy tried to that guy tried to always sleep

with that guy did yeah he had done it previously to me many times yeah which I don't without asking yeah yeah which I don't care bro because that's honestly the game but like especially if you're dating and shit and you're in LA if you're in LA dude and because you operate when you operate in LA as a bachelor and there's the the women that have come from the baddest women that come from Idaho, the baddest women that come from Arlington, the baddest women that come from, you know, and you're just scooping it up, right? The game is, oh, fuck, you got her.

Oh, well, if you get bunched up about that, move back. Okay. LA, you're not stronger than the game and if you are, then that's the game, dude. But you're not stronger than the game, right? So when that dude would get, we would always be like, I'll get her and he'll be like, no, I'll get her and he got her dude. And I go like this, like the Antonio Banderas meme, because that's the game. Yeah, you guys- I loved it. You guys you guys were weird about we were very weird about I was never involved with that shit And I ended up going to rehab for that house. How's this is a good ending

Not only did I date that girl for over two years? He was right she was a very bad person He was right, she was a very bad person. Well, okay, the thing is just, I don't like when dudes get bunched up over that. Like, motherfucker dude. I also came the most correct imaginable. Well, yeah, you definitely did. Yeah. Which like, people in my life were like, you don't have to do that.

I was like, I know, but like, it'll be better for me long term. Dudes are bitches though, dude. I remember one time, I like, dude, especially comedians, bro, like there would be women in the crowd that sometimes, you know, when I was single, I would go out and I'd, hey, what's up? And then like, you know, I would get them because comedians are disgusting.

Do you know what I mean? And then they'd like get all bunched up about it. I'm like, dude, you don't know about the fucking game. Come on, dude. It's not me, it's the game, right? I mean, that's one way to- I felt bad after- Not take responsibility for things.

Yeah, I felt bad. I did start thinking that I felt bad because life is more than about that. And now that I have a family I feel a lot differently about it and perhaps my behavior was a little bit shitty. Sniper. You know but Sniper. You know how people say uh uh I got no regrets because I am who I am because I fucked those people. Yeah yeah. Those people are pieces of shit man. Yeah it's like that song My Way which is an amazing song

It is an amazing song, you know, so regretful that song the reason why it's an amazing song is because if it was in a movie When every when the guy's world was crashing down playing over the track, it would be fucking so good. That's why Because nobody actually believes if you just do it your way, you're a piece of shit Yeah people like that live the longest though and I did it my way in the meantime Frank Sinatra was like bring up 90 olives to the penthouse now or I'll fucking circumcise six men Yeah, you know you know he was oh he was one of the biggest pieces I'll spit all over horse yeah Yeah, I mean bring me a chopper now. I can't imagine how big of a piece it can you even imagine a piece of shit. Frank Sinatra was no and I know, you know, God bless the dead.

But it's just like, come on, you know, that that dude, you know, that dude was just like, you know, bro, they were basically kings and gangsters to a degree. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was all tied up with the mafia and she. Yeah. You don't got Tabasco. Let me put your head in a vice. Let's do it in a restaurant. Yeah. Yep. All right. All right. Next one. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. What's up, Matt? I'm Stilo from the OG. Hell yeah, dude. So what's up? What's up? Anyways, my wife and I Hey wife!

Helicopter! Have a question for you Um, we've been talking for several years about starting a family And as people do, you know, sometimes we'll talk about potential names of kids That we might have in the future And early on, we would joke that we should name our kid Richard Because our last name is Long L-O-N-G Yeah, I get it early on, we would joke that we should name our kid Richard, because our last name is long. Yeah, I get it. So we can have a

kid name Dick Long. Yeah, right. Do it. And as time goes on, no, she is very serious under dress to name our potential future son, Richard Wow. I think the poor bastard would just get ruthlessly bullied. Yeah that's it. And she thinks it would be a power name especially once he's a grown ass man. When he's older? When he's older yeah. So what say you guys? When he's older? I mean I agree with- Well the damage will be done. Yeah but- But why don't you just call him Cockhead Cumstabber? Well that would be worse because that would be worse him Cockhead Cumstabber? Well, that would be worse. Because that would be worse. Cockhead Cumstabber Long.

Hello, Cockhead Cumstabber. I can't see my business. I think that it depends on how you're going to be as parents. And it also is running a risk of what kind of kid you have. No. If the kid is like shy and potential like, you know, possibly gonna get bullied, like you're gonna have someone who's gonna grow up and end up with issues. If the kid is just like, doesn't really give a fuck about any of that shit

and tunes the noise out and is like, yeah, my name's Dick Long when he's eight. What kid does that? Exactly. But I'm just saying you're taking a huge risk. By the time he's an adult, being named Dick Long is shit. I wish my name was Dick Long. But the concern is their childhood and potential scars that would be left from being teased. Yeah. And plus, name him Enoch. Dude, Enoch is a name?

Yeah, man. That's a bad name. Enoch is a biblical name. Oh, that makes sense. Old Testament. Biblical names suck, you know? Not really. There's a lot of regular ones. Matthew is one. Yeah, yeah, I know that, but I'm saying like the other ones like Jeremiah.

Yeah. And fucking Leviticus Abraham oh dude Abraham Abe is all right Abe is not all right Abe is not all right all right Abe is not all right that's like you know the name Saul you don't really take him serious Saul would be good with Long. Saul Long. Saul Long. That is cool. Yeah.

Name was Saul, even though it's a Jewish name, but go with Saul Long. Name him McCaucus too. Yeah. Hello, I'm McCaucus too Long. Hello, McCaucus too Long. Nice to meet you. Get out, sir.

You don't understand, I. Ka-kung. All right, next one. No, you don't need to kick dick long. Yeah, it's too much of a risk. Always have been. Thank you. So there's a new-ish friend in my life who engaged in some

pretty insully behavior recently. So we're at his apartment, and it's an after party where most of the people just met at the bar, one of those things. Yeah, yeah, that was a good description. I'm sitting next to a really pretty girl on the couch. Hell yeah. And she's like sitting down looking up at us with the whole party going on.

And at one point in the conversation while we're all chilling, she kisses my cheek. Oh. And even like puts her head on my shoulder. I mean, you're not the only guy that's happy to. She does that, my friend's body language becomes visibly unhappy and stiff. Oh fuck, you're the man.

And then a little bit later on, he's ending up sitting on the couch on the other side and he's awkwardly putting his hand over her trying to put his hand over her even though that's obviously not what she was kind of queuing for. And then eventually it gets to a point where she mentions the fact that oh I'm going home now and he gets very insecure and insists that she stay there and eventually she gets home after way too much fucking back and forth but I guess my question is do I cut this friend off or do I have a conversation with him and how do I have a

conversation with him just telling him that you know this is how you behaved the other night and don't fucking do that again if we're gonna hang out what is going on dude? super spin roulette, blackjack, and a huge selection of slots. So there you have it. How can you match that? Check out PrizeMatcher and see why it's never ordinary at bet 365. Must be 19 year old or Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling,

visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply. This is honestly the most Canadian shit that's ever happened. And what I can't believe is, what I can't believe it is, what I can't believe, I can't, dude, it is so Canadian to do what the other guy did. What do you mean why? Because Canadians are like, oh yeah, well unless you're, you know, until you're insider, you know, fair game.

Dude, I, I can't, dude, I had, there was another comic where I was, one time I took a girl into my, wait, no, I was in her car and we were leaving. And he walked up to her driver's side and was like. And he's like, what are you doing afterwards? And I'm like, me. Hey dude, I'm here. Yeah.

We were like basically holding hands. Yeah. We were like basically holding hands. Yeah. And like, if he was really good looking, that would have been so sexy, but he's not. Yeah. You know, if it was Brad Pitt, okay, I'd be like, dude, game tax. Was he Canadian? No, no, no. The guy is so weird.

Okay. But like, I'm like, dude, hey, hey, dude, hey, dude, hey, you're gonna make it now, not only are you gonna fumble this, you're gonna make it worse for me, dude. I'm gonna have to undry it up. Well, I mean. No.

She's already in your car, she can just hit the gas pedal and go. Gas pedal, gas pedal, gas pedal. Yeah, but. Lost your mind. You could hit the gas pedal, but it's like pedal gas pedal yeah but lost your mind you could hit the gas pedal but it's like dude she was drunk you know I shouldn't have been driving yeah but okay so the thing about this is that the way that guy was behaving the guy the caller the guy with the submission referred to it as in Selly behavior what it is incelly is

16 year old behavior. Like dude that kind of shit happens in high school then a little bit at college age and then ideally never over the age of 21. Like you gotta just read the fucking tea leaves and not even read the tea leaves read the situation that is unfolding in front of your fucking face the woman's kissing your friend Guess who she likes Your friend dude imagine dude not you the two of you on a casual

Yeah, that's basically what it was. And the hands are here. Yeah, don't do that with your tongue. He's like this. No, he's like this, like his arms all like, it's a bitch, you know. But it's just like... Yeah, dude, you... Look, if you're asking what should you do,

I mean, if you want to really, if he's like a close friend, bring it up. He's not, dude. Hey, hey. And if he's not a close friend, don't, try not to hang out with him anymore. That's like a, because what that's also indicating is a very, very, very like competitive kind of maybe even closeted homosexual like repressed guy. We need to get you checked, say that to him and he says what?

Be like you're autistic, we need to find where on the scale you are. Because this is just, you didn't know what was happening. No, it's sneaky. It could be. It's not even that. I'm your friend, I'm gonna assume it's not sneaky. I'm gonna assume you weren't sneaky cuz I'm your friend, okay? And I know that we're good friends.

We need to go and get you tested though, on the autism scale. No, don't do that. Don't hang out with them. If you're not good friends, if you are good friends, be like, hey, what happened the other night? What you should have, yeah, okay, fine. If you wanna be a real person.

You saw her kissing me. But what you should have done is shut it down right there. You had to go in early and you had to look at her and be like, hey, this guy's being really weird with you. I'd like for him to stop. He's my friend, it's weird for me. Let's go into a different room, me and you. Yeah, but that forces-

God damn, dude. I'll bring a towel because I know that it's gonna be, yes, I'll bring a towel. Cuz that, you know that would make a girl really be like, wow. Holy shit, are you Zorro? No, you don't change what you're doing. You just cuz there's some other guy in the room. No, that's like beta shit, dude. Defense, bro.

No, you know what's up, you know it's over. He's just being a fucking loser and you can let him be a loser or not. It's already over She's with him. Not yet. Not if you're Canadian. Oh, that's fair game. I told you you're not Why are you assuming he's Canadian? I guarantee you one of the guys in that was Canadian The guy who did that submission only you know, you're you right into the show from Saratoga Our from Saratoga, you know the show from Saratoga or from Saratoga, you know, we'll put right into our show. The producer will tell us send it. Are you Canadian from Colona from Saskatchewan?

All right, that's that's so common, though. Anyway, bro. Blind blind. Just went blind. I'm trying to think. Of the times that that's happened and like. That's just happened to me a lot. Not me bro. No, it has not happened to me a lot.

Cuz I would do my dirt all by myself mostly. You know, but like if, yo, what? What? All it is ultimately is embarrassing for that guy. That's why I don't give a fuck when it happens. It's like, yo, dude, you're a fucking loser and you're letting everyone know? Go ahead.

He's a eunuch. He's a fucking eunuch, dude. Everybody's a eunuch today. Because a eunuch doesn't have a cock and they're, you know, they're bitchy, dude. Remember the guy from Lord of the, what is the? Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones? Was like this.

Yeah, the bald guy, yeah. Are you done with her? Like that's him. Did you guys actually kiss, technically, or was it? Can I lay my hand on her shoulder? I know you didn't, technically you weren't inside, yes. It's cold here in Calgary. All right, next.

How about those from Maple Leaf? What's up, Kristen Manning, it's Joe from Massachusetts again. What's up, Joe? I called in on November, my dog died, and you guys sent me a new hoodie, which was very nice. Oh, cool. Thank you very much. That's great.

Could you actually pay for that? My question is how do you not? Compare yourself to other people like your age, you know, you look like for example sitting in my room yesterday There's this musician named David D for VD No, and in January this guy made what happened after you killed him dollars and he's one day older than me All right, one fucking day March March 28 2005. Whoa, dude I'm gonna leave the same birthday by the way Chris. Yeah anyway Yeah, how do I stop doing that cuz it's fucking killing me. I can't I can't keep doing

Also about birthdays Matt your birthday is the same day as me and my ladies anniversary rain man. Oh Hey, dude, who cares for me? Anywho? Yeah, I saw you in Boston, you're very funny. That's thank you. You're hilarious, I subscribe to your Patreon. Thank you, bro. Yeah, I love the kiss, bro. Dude, he talked too much about dates, but that's fine. But he seems like a cool dude.

I would probably chill with him, right? Yeah, now you say that because he's fucking, explicitly made it clear that he's a fan. That's not true. I know he's a fan if he's fucking sending a video in that's why I went back to him. Okay But but what was he saying though, yeah, I don't remember oh don't compare yourself. Oh, this is a big one, dude Yeah, yeah, this is tough. I mean I used to

Even not just compare myself to people my age, but I used to compare myself to people from previous eras and what their age was. It's insane. That's wild. So let me tell you, I can really relate. Napoleon did a lot by the time he was my age. Yeah. Well, that's why it's a bad idea to look backwards and be like...

You also died. Because things were just so different because people... The average life span was like 28 years old. On an island alone. He couldn't even go back to his homeland. It's just not applicable to you. That's so outside of your purview of your universe. It literally has nothing to do with you. You are making yourself miserable. Sucks dude. On your own. It sucks. Una are making yourself miserable. Sucks, dude. On your own.

It sucks. Unaided by anyone else. If you find yourself ever doing that, realize it and stop. Because check this out, life will make you miserable on its own. You don't need to help it. It's so true, dude.

So stop helping your misery out. It just sucks. It just is a waste of time Who gives a fuck if someone's one day older than you like and has more money than you? Also, you're not 50. You don't know how much money you're gonna make in a day. You're not fucking 50. You're yeah You're young. He was young bro, like relax Take a breath who gives a shit about D4VD, yeah and just do your

thing and the forvid. Yeah it just doesn't apply to you. You're you're making up a thing. You're the man bro. Making up a thing. No no no no you're the man bro. Also this is one of those things zoom out bro. yeah fuck out totally yeah you know zoom out but check this out zoom out so far that you see the world then zoom out more then there's the planets zoom out more there's the galaxy and then realize how small you are and then beyond that realize how infinitely smaller your fucking penis is dude nothing matters Your dick is so small. So who cares that DeFourvid made a lot of money?

Your dick is small. Stop talking about dates. Do you know what? You want to talk about people. Compare yourself. How about fucking if you're 27, if you're at least 27, why don't you compare yourself to Mr. Beast? The guy makes $500 million a year.

How about that, yeah. But why would you do that? Well, his eyes don't move when he smiles. Yeah, he's a serial killer, it's very obvious. Mr. Beast. But he even has a serial killer name, Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast will kill someone. He will be the direct reason why someone dies.

He will be the direct reason. I'm sure he already has been. He will be or has been the direct reason that somebody has died of starvation too. And he is too, I mean dude that guy is, let's see who can stay locked up for five million dollars without food. Hi I'm Mr. B. Speaking of locked up, did you guys hear about that thing you did in Vegas? Who? There was some like big giveaway. Who? Mr. B? What do you mean who? You talking about did in Vegas? Who? There was some like big giveaway. Who? Mr. Beast? What do you mean who?

You talking about Mr. Beast? We spent the last 45 seconds talking about one person. We were also talking about the Forvid. Okay, so not the Forvid, I'm talking about Mr. Beast. He did some thing in Vegas, some event, that like tons of people went to, because he's Mr. Beast,

and for some reason people care. It's weird, huh? And paid money to take themselves to Vegas and they were instructed to stay in their rooms in Vegas. Something special was going to be delivered to them. And one of the people that went was gonna be given $10,000. And there's all these people,

it's like the fucking Fire Fest thing. It's like all these people, like I waited in my hotel room for two days and all I got was like Stuff in a in a bag like a burlap sack filled with Stuff that's on clearance on his website, and then I just had to fly home Well, no fuck those people they went of course, but dude, but you'll smile with your eyes Most wild like experience For one of them? No, no, no, no.

It was a whole, what does it say? OK. Well, I don't know yet. But what I am saying is- You can apologize, see? Yeah, I understand, dude. But the whole thing is with MrBeast, fucking, we all know you're 40, dude.

The jig is up. There's no way that guy's fucking 27. No, no, no. He's 27. I just, he pisses. He could be the nicest guy in's fucking 27. No, no, no, he's 27. I just, he piss, he could be the nicest guy in the fucking world. You still gotta do different things with your face when you're talking.

Look at this, I was told to wait in my room for two days for a package to come, so I legit spent two days in my room for a package to come and it was a box of chocolates. Hard to feel bad for somebody that would do that. Everybody's a victim though, you know? You stupid fuck, leave. But they're there for an event that never happened.

Fuck off. They went on their own? Taking a shit in that picture. Just taking a shit on the red carpet. This guy is a real person? Come on. Is it really as simple as he just told people to wait in their rooms. Yeah. Yeah, that's the event. Yes in your room. That was the event fuck those people From what you're saying and it may not be the entirety of a three-day event out of here Yeah, hey if I say the event is laying down in a bed in a hotel room and you go, but it's an event

I fucking specified what it was. He promised an unforgettable experience. They will never forget that. Yeah. It was so boring. Dude, I'm so tired of the victim fucking. People pretend like they're victims, dude. You, dude, you flew to Vegas. But those people aren't, what do you mean?

He even issued an apology because he got scared. No, because he scammed people. He lent his name to people, he licensed his fucking dumb name, MrBeast, and those people put together a bullshit scam thing that they got paid a thousand dollars per head and didn't give anyone anything besides a burlap sack full of fucking toothpaste and a cookie. anything besides a burlap sack full of fucking toothpaste and a cookie. Or did one of them win 10 G's? I doubt it, but I don't know. If one of them won 10 G's then dude, fucking. I mean, there are victims in the world.

Yes, there are, yes, there are. But those kinds of people, it's like, I get it, not all victims are fucking hit over the head and they're taking their wallet, but it's like, come on, bro. Come on. they just didn't get what they paid for at what point did you do it to your fucking dude hey from wisconsin just yeah a lot bro but people love him hi can i have some peanuts just because they're fucking idiots doesn't mean they deserve to get fucked in the ass by Mr. Beast.

I understand, but I'm just saying, bro. It's like, for some people it's like their vacation for the year. That sucks, and I feel bad. Yeah, dude. And that sucks for them. People are simple, dude. They deserve a fucking warm hug, dude.

But like- They deserve their money back. Mr. Beast, you can afford it. Send them all their money. If I'm Mr. Beast and that happened and I realized that the company was shady, I go, that fucking sucks, everyone gets their money back. That's what I do, okay? However, I still am like, bro, in the back of my head,

I'm still like, don't be so fucking stupid though next time. That's a good way to think of your fans. No, I don't make my fans do this. I know, but they all were Mr. Beast fans is what I'm saying. So fans are people though. Fans aren't stupid, people are stupid. I don't understand the distinction. I'm saying, I'm saying you're saying it's like it's not because they're his fans, they're they're people. He thought he doesn't set out thinking, I'm gonna do something nefarious.

There's no fucking way. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, so the people come in and they're like, fuck Mr. Beast. Everyone's like, fuck Mr. Beast. Yeah. That's not fair. I mean, from Pensacola.

It's a little fair. It's a little fair. He keeps getting caught up in these fucking dumb scam things then it's like dude stop licensing your shit like it's so obvious who the crazy people are look at them it's so annoying dude that guy are you kidding me look at him people love him dude no I understand and that's fine if you can't understand that that person is a kind of a has a little bit of a screw loose Yeah, come on remember when people were involved it's 2025 Remember when people got maddened for like what was it building schools in africa or setting up water wells in africa?

Because they were like this is the peak white privilege. That's bullshit. It's bullshit Yeah, but this is not bullshit to be upset about this is not bullshit. To be upset about this is not bullshit. I would be pissed too. Fuck man. Anyway, let's keep going. I wish I had a billion dollars so I could build fucking schools in Africa. And then when people were like,

that's peak white privilege, I go, fuck you. I'm taking the money out. They're all dying now probably. Worst response. Hey. Hey. I guess you shouldn't have said it, huh? So, so vengeful, you know? Ooh, I wish I could go to schools. So petty.

Sorry, I can't build, but, but, but, but, but you know. It was even more important, it was actually, it was water. John Bones on on X. John bones. He said it was white privilege. So now you don't get to learn. Fuck, fuck these fucking people. Do what you want, Mr. Bees. I love Mr. Bees. Well, made a fan. But smile with your eyes. Chris, I just want to thank you guys.

Hunter Biden, my seventh say some mention that I sent in under Biden go also the ways. I also want to let you guys know that I do show some of these clips of my wife. She's not done really watch Dick rubbing in stuff that I think is hilarious. I'll show her a clip of getter and I always lose it when Chris is talking about yanking it and he does one of these. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of those. She runs it every time and I showed my wife and she pulled that move out on me the other. Oh, all right. There we go, dude. And started started cracking up. So fuck. Yeah, I just wanted you to know that you're you're really changing lives out here and still worked. Still worked. It worked. Wow. That's that's too much.

That's too much. That's too much sensitivity. You busted a jizz nut? Hey. Too much sensitivity. You busted a jizz nut on that? So far. It's too much sensitivity. No way, bro.

Why are you having so close, you know? Well, you have it far away? Well, no, you don't just fucking. Yeah, you do, bro. Why are you, what are you examining it? Very interesting. You gonna splurt you can splurt oh bro I disagree you can splurt it's too much it's too sensitive Just twist your hands. Don't do that.

It's too sensitive. You know, cuz you know, it's like. It's fine. It's fine. I don't, you know, you ever get with, you ever like in your past been with one of those women that's just like, you know what I mean? You're like, hey, hey, hey, you're trying to take this with you? Bro, what's going on?

What are you fucking like, you're at the Arsenio Hall show? Whoa. No, no, no, sweetheart! It's too sensitive! Balls hitting her in the face. Just fucking, poof, poof! It's like, relax, bro!

It's love! It's love making! What's going on, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're eating food, you eat it nicely, you don't fucking, ah, ah. It's fucking, dude, it's crazy. What makes me, what I always think about when I am running this shit like that,

or someone who like kisses like real crazy. Wow. Hold it in your face, eye contact. Stabbing you, stabbing you, stabbing you. Just a fucking, just a lawn mower? Dude. Starting to see do what you were doing. It's too sensitive though that's just like ow yeah it's not even

that you know I mean fuck those situations are so just bad dude Oh Man that's words, right? It was too sensitive. Here's what's fucked up though about that and where you going with my She's whoever she is whether it's that kind of thing or just a crazy kisser or like a really toothy blowjob or something. It's like this is how they've done it their whole life until now. Crazy. And so like... Because dudes are bitches. Speak up. But the weird the weirdest one is the one who's a really bad kisser because you're just like wait, wait. Have you kissed before? It's it is so... Because if you've done it once, the person you kissed should have been like like Tom Cruise and Magnolia. Tom Cruise and Magnolia. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like, dude,

stop. Like, that's too aggressive. Like the tongue is so tight and like moving around. Yeah, you're just like, Whoa, like, it's like their mouth is locked open, and way wide open and their tongue is just like this. That three stooges dude. Stooges dude. Whoa. Dude, or how about when, wait, I was, oh, there was a one time I was hanging out somewhere on the couch in my old apartment a long long time ago and she

would like did the thing where she would like bite my lip. I don't like any of that, that okay but then she kept doing it and one time it hurt so bad that I said oh I go ow that was really hard. Lips are so sensitive. I was like that that that hurt I was like don't do that again okay she's like okay bro she did it again. Yeah. I thought I was bleeding. Yeah. And I go you gotta get out. Okay, it's drastic Yeah, bro. She kept biting me. You have to leave she left and I jerked off nice like this

Yeah, dude lips bleeding I masturbated with lips leading I Just I had a girl once biting like I mean I don't want to get too graphic but yeah like just like would bite all up my neck and I was like I was like I was like what the fuck ever like this like you're not a virgin like what the fuck are you doing so weird dude it hurts and I had like bites.

What the fuck? Don't I have to consent to this? Don't people have to be like, I like it rough, bite me. Isn't that how that works? Or like fucking do this to me. What the fuck, dude? No, don't just spring on a beat down. Don't assume everyone's going to like being bit really hard.

I had a girl straight up punch me in the face once. No, come on. No, I'm not lying. I'm not lying to you. During sex? Yep. It was crazy. Dude, it was crazy.

I mean, what? I mean, I've been in some weird rooms. But she was like this. I was, she goes like this. And it hit my jaw. And I go oh fuck and I go y'all gotta leave it's like no no I'm so sorry I'm like what what what did she end up saying like she's like I don't know I got carried away and I thought maybe you'd like it and I was like who likes getting hit in the face no no that's not that's not a good chance to take in the bedroom.

You know, it was crazy, bro. Crazy. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah, you can't punch someone in the face kind of ever. Yeah. Anyway, I'm I think it's because it's that night we're recording at night. I'm really activated. I'm fucking I got to. You want to know Yeah, sure. We could do another one. Yeah, let's try to calm it down. I'll calm it down Chris and Matt I cannot tell you guys how much you mean to me. I have been going through fertility treatment

I'm single so I've been doing it alone without a partner really hard, but I've always wanted children my entire life I've always wanted to be a mom I'm getting older I'm gonna be 37 years old every night I'm injecting myself with medication I'm increasingly feeling symptomatic yeah just like headachy and nauseous and bloated and like I'm getting esafat being said I wanted to tell you guys at nighttime when I'm doing my injections I have like two or three injections I put your Well, not now. taken out. No matter what I want to keep a good attitude I'm gonna have babies one day I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna find a good guy and we're gonna bring babies into the world life rips and thanks for being on this journey with me. That is good for you. Sweetest thing. Basically I'm their dad. No don't. Where her kids dad.

That's not true. She doesn less have kids yet but that is the sweetest that is really sweet man well you really did bring it down to a really crazy that people really like us or me or whatever dude no no but for real though it's really is so weird I'm always like huh yeah when someone tells me how much they like me or us or the show that's not my show. I'm always like, huh. Yeah. When someone tells me how much they like me or us or the show or my show. No, I'm being serious though. Any of it.

Okay, okay, okay, gotcha, gotcha. Any of it. I'm just like, damn. I'm just like, they mentioned my standup to you. That's so cool. Yeah, it is really cool. But also, why? Yeah, I know.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do understand. But that is really sweet. I hope it'll work out. You just, you know, I don't really understand. I know what doing the injections for the fertility is, but if you're... So they hold her eggs? Correct. You do the shots to get your eggs in the best possible shape and position to be harvested, taken out, and frozen so that when the time comes, you will have the maximum amount of viable eggs

for which to be, for them to be inseminated with a piece of semen. And they put those in a guy's balls and then the guy is the baby. No, no, no, no, no, no. Then the guy's giznut, one of them goes into the egg. Right. And they try to turn that into. And the baby's born in a laboratory? No. Put into someone. Daddy.

Daddy. Oh my gosh, we did it. Hello, Dada. So scary. When is dinner? Just right away. What? You know how to talk?

Ha ha ha ha. What the fuck? I am so glad to be alive now because of Harvesting mother's eggs. I love that I was inseminated upon. Okay. I'm just gay a gay robot Daddy Daddy. Hi, mommy. I'm just crying. Because that's what babies do, but he's an adult crying. Yeah. How different would it be if childhood was like so brief? You'd be like, oh, you basically had an adult in like eight months after being born?

I feel like some less people would have kids. Not me, bro. I would have so many homies. I would have so many fucking homies, yeah. Not me, bro, I would have so many homies. I would have so many fucking homies, bro. It's basically how other mammals, like fucking come out ready. Like chimps and shit, they don't take that long. Dope, if I could have kids, adults,

and then just bring them home from the hospital, and then watch fucking J-horror movies that night. With your child. Yeah, just, yo. movies at that night with your child yeah just yo daddy what what language is this I'm scared stay with me in my room Oh, it's so scary. I'm scared. Can I sleep with your mom?

You and mom rolls over. Starts fucking fucking the mom. And then he rolls over and starts fucking the mom. I mean... No, no! Daddy, Rod. Sorry I saw it in the movie. You can't fuck my wife. That's your mom. Okay, what's mom? You know what you're doing? You're being like those Mexicans who pretend they don't know English when they get pulled over.

You know fucking English. You wanted to make it racist, you know. Daddy, I'm sorry. I don't understand you. Sorry, daddy. I can't understand you. I was just bored. I'm not scared anymore. Goodbye. I'm not scared anymore. Goodbye. He fucking lied to us, sweetie. She's just like...

Where did he get the condom? Daddle! I'm scared can I sleep with you guys? Daddy I'm scared can I come sleep with you guys? Oh man thank god I'm here. I got scared of the J-Hur movie. Mama, mama, mama. Mama. Oh, put that part. Mama.

You can't have sex. You cannot have sex with my wife that's your mother. I don't understand. I just got a cough. Now speak out that English. Now speak out that English. How do you know how to say that in Spanish, but you don't know the English version of that?

You're one day old. Fuck. I'm so hot right now. It's too hot. It's so sweaty. Just too hot. All right, well, I said we were gonna bring it down. We certainly didn't bring it down. Why is it so hot in here?

It's cold outside. Yeah, it's very hot. Yeah, it's fucking hot as shit, dude. It's probably hot because I'm being so sexy, honestly. No. All right. I appreciate you guys. Thank you. Get tickets to my show. I'll be in Syracuse coming up, you know.

ChrisLia.com. Appreciate you.