Lifeline - 163. Foiled Again!
Episode Date: June 1, 2025LIFELINE ✨LUXURY✨ is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. Our Patreon is also the exclusive home to all the liv...e podcasts which we film and upload! 💵 Use code LIFELINE for 20% off your first purchase at https://custclothing.com - premium closet staples for you 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline Today we're talking about about someone flirting without someone else while you're on a date, deciding when and how to be more present as a father, people who fact-check as you're storytelling, and several follow ups about wiping and bidets. 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. More LIFELINE: Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline More Matt D'Elia: Sign up FOR FREE For Matt's Patreon for all episodes of The Private Record and upcoming drops of Matt D'Elia is Confused Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More Chris D'Elia: Congratulations podcast: congratulationspod.com Live on tour: chrisdelia.com/tour Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Zimzap today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Were you blind then too? or just you went blind today?
Are we going?
Yeah, it started.
We're already recorded.
So that's the we're recording right now already.
Yeah, I know.
So it was Morgan Freeman's birthday.
Is he 150?
Dude, he has looked one, he's looked 80 since how long? since, how long?
Well, how long? I heard he got his big role when he was 50 something.
How old is he?
First of all, 80 something.
Well, I gotta be at least 80.
But yeah, he definitely wasn't like, what did I see?
I saw a trailer of a movie he was in and he was so young for Morgan Freeman,
but he was still at least in his mid 40s.
Yeah, well, 87, yeah.
I think he had his big role either at 50, 45 or 50.
And then before that,
cause he started acting like later, 30 something.
Yeah, he was like Harrison Ford,
except Harrison Ford did it earlier.
He was like a fully something else job thing.
So Harrison Ford did it first, so you're saying that Morgan Freeman copied Harrison Ford?
He did it first.
Harrison Ford copied him.
I didn't know Harrison Ford was a copycat, okay.
He just broke out and quit being a carpenter earlier than Morgan Freeman quit being
whatever he was, which I'm about to find out. Cause I'm a sleuth like that.
Yeah.
Um, so yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale coming up here, get your tickets,
go to St.
Lou, I'm going to be in St.
Louis, get your tickets.
I'm going to be in Indianapolis, get your
tickets.
I'm going to be in Houston, get your tickets.
Now, if Anthony were worth any fucking worth
his weight or was assault, you know what I mean?
He'd be scrolling, but he's not.
I'll be in Irvine, California, Hunts what I mean? He'd be scrolling, but he's not.
I'll be in Irvine, California, Huntsville, Alabama.
Oh yeah, Miami.
Look at that, christolia.com.
Go get tickets right now.
You should go get tickets at christolia.com.
Yeah, and I can't wait, dude.
Pittsburgh, dude, I'm going everywhere.
Isn't that crazy?
It's absolutely bing-bong bonkers, my baby. So also get the
Patreon, Lifeline Luxury, Lifeline Luxury Patreon. We can get all this. There's like
60 episodes there that you can just go watch right now if you subscribe.
patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury and there are also two full live episodes
there that you can watch if you haven't yet. They're awesome. And Morgan Freeman
rose to fame in the 70s for his role
in the children's television series,
The Electric Company.
Oh, that's right.
Freeman then appeared in a bunch of Shakespeare plays.
So the guy knows his shit.
Also, naturally, sign up for my personal Patreon,
patreon.com slash Matt D'Elia.
It is going wild in there.
The OG crew is flying.
It's currently our only tier, $ dollars a month, but guess what?
Every single coffee even cup of coffee even really really shitty ones cost more than that. So sign up for me. Thank you
I'll second about
Morgan Freeman and
he
legitimately
What he what did he do first?
Because it's weird because he started acting like I guess later and so...
I thought that too, but I thought that was like a story about him.
Maybe. If I think about Morgan Freeman...
The story I know is he worked like on telephone lines, but this says nothing about that.
What I think is...
Do you think he's a good actor?
Yeah, I mean, when he was younger,
now he just does his thing.
He does like what De Niro does.
It's just like, I'm the guy that says words like this.
It's a joke now, it's a joke now when he narrates something.
Right there, it says radar repairman.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah, I know, it really is a joke now when he's in something. That sucks that it becomes that you know because
that is his fault. I mean it kind of is because he could do different shit but you know what I'm saying?
Like he could be he could do a different he could play like you know someone with down syndrome or
something. Well because he's amazing but he's too... Dude 87 I don't care. No, no, no, I know.
If you're 87 and just being like, oh, I'm taking the highest bidder,
I don't care what it is, what is the Belle Isle movie he made?
That's cool.
You're saying that's cool?
I'm saying I got no bones with it.
If you're going to phone it in, if you're going to be like Oscar Isaac
and be like super cool and have so much promise,
and then just take every single franchise
that's thrown in your face,
and never do another cool movie
that's like smaller than $300 billion,
then you sold out, you found it in.
That guy was so dope.
He was literally like gonna be, in my mind,
like the next Pacino.
You think so?
Yeah, dude, he was amazing.
And he had the very, he looked like that.
He's Guatemalan.
He had a run of this really good mid-sized movies
that only got made because of him.
He was like a genuine star.
Yeah, but dude, then he got to play,
what was the guy in X-Men?
Side, not Cyclops, Apocalypse, yeah.
He's in an X-Men movie?
Yeah.
He is?
He's in an, Oscar Isaac's in an X-Men movie too?
Yeah, he plays Apocalypse.
Oh my God, dude.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought that's what you were talking
about, that and Star Wars.
What are you talking about?
It's that, Star Wars and Dune is what I was talking about.
Oh, he's in Dune, yeah.
It's like, dude, you've done enough.
But he's good though, right?
I'm sure he's good in them, but who cares?
Get a thousand other actors to do it.
Right, right, right, right.
I see what you're saying.
It's not that strenuous.
You want him to do that King's Speech.
Yes, dude.
I, I, I, I, I, I, you know?
Having the worst shit of his life.
No, dude, if I was in King's Speech, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, of his life. No, dude, if I was in King speech
Dude I would have killed that shit you're killing it right now. Did Colin for the win the Oscar for that? Yes, okay. Well, I would have won it first. I you know, it's so stupid
But that's him in it. I'll be the guy be the King speech therapist. That's not how you do it
That's him in it. Wow. What? Hey Hey man, hey Oscar Isaac, you're a loser.
I met you once about a movie you were considering doing
that I wrote, you were considering doing,
but right after, or maybe right after
he did the Coens movie?
And through his agent, which is common,
he wasn't like being like a puss boy,
through his agent or manager, I don't remember,
he told me that he was actually going
to take a long time off from acting
and focus on his music career.
Literally, like a week or two later,
it's like announced that he's in Star Wars.
That's hilarious.
Well, but that's, yeah.
Well, so, wow.
So, dude, have you seen a-
That's hilarious.
No, have you seen that, what's the Jim Carrey quote?
Or no, not the Jim Carrey quote,
the thing where he's like, I've done it all,
I'm not going to act.
If there's one thing, you know,
if there's maybe if there's something along the line
that really speaks to me,
but I'd really have to be really something
I'm passionate about.
And then it says in the Wikipedia,
Carrey returned to acting playing Dr. Robotnik
in Sonic the Hedgehog.
You saw that, right?
I think I know that.
So funny.
I thought I was going to make fun of him doing Mr. Popper's
penguins after that.
Because there's a whole menu of things you can pick.
I love Jim Carrey.
But when he gets on his anti-shit,
I'm just like, dude, let other people
who aren't massive stars with the most massive egos
say that kind of shit.
That's interesting.
He's like, I'm no one, you know, and you're like,
Jesus, shut the fuck up.
Just like a guy going through trash behind him, like,
no, uh, that's me actually.
So, uh.
Wait, what did that last screen say?
Jim Carrey said he would only return to acting
if angels bring them.
That's what it was.
Oh my, two years later, he's back making movies
because he quote, needs the money.
Spent money so badly.
What I don't understand is.
He was making 20 million a movie back in the 90s.
So I guess my question is,
cause I know what it's like,
because when you level up, you spend more, obviously.
But how is that possible?
Maybe he was joking, but a lot of guys
who make just as much money really
do find themselves like this.
Nicolas Cage literally does what he does.
Those really dumb looking movies that go straight to Netflix that nobody ever heard of.
But how does that?
Because he needs money, because he is in debt.
Because he buys castles and graveyards.
Yeah, right.
You know?
Some people get so rich, they have their own LLC,
they have their own companies, they
have their own offshore accounts,
that you can literally be in debt the same way a company
or country is in debt
Okay, okay. Okay. So he you know, he's sitting there in debt and it's like well
Why is he allowed to be him out in the world and right cuz he's like
In debt dude, America doesn't just like turn off when they're in debt, you know
Well cuz Nicolas Cage though, you know why he but he buys like fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex heads and shit
I think he actually does do that.
There is, I'm saying. That makes sense. But Jim Carrey, I'm sure he's a plane, but he's so rich.
So, here we go. These include a haunted house. This is what he bought.
He bought a haunted house in New Orleans, a dinosaur skull that was later returned to the Mongolian government,
two cobras that had to be rehomed, and multiple castles.
His spending habits, including a significant investment in real estate, led to a substantial
debt which he has since worked to pay off.
I mean, the guy bought cobras, bro.
That's so weird.
Wow, he's got to be a wild one.
So what's this?
He once outbid Leonardo Caprio for a skull, which cost $276,000.
Wow. And then the skull turned out to be stolen.
I bet he... I hope he got his fun money back.
He outbid DiCaprio for a dinosaur skull. That is just...
Cage also spent on other items like a Lamborghini, vintage comic books, and even a pet octopus.
Hey, man!
He owned two King Cobras, but they had to be relocated to the zoo because of complaints from neighbors.
Dude, that is so crazy.
What about Nicolas Cage's wild spending that blew his $150 million?
A pet octopus?
I mean, that's not that much money, but still.
You got to wonder about the upkeep, the pick with it.
Wow.
I mean, the finest print, you know?
A one of a kind Lamborghini.
How much was the price?
$500,000.
Half a million.
Oh yeah, half a million. Wow.
Wow. Okay.
Well, that was in 97.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a lot.
Oh yeah, that's obviously not a new car, man. Look at it.
Sorry, I don't mean it. You're a fucking idiot.
Keep going down, obviously.
Keep going down. That's Superman. Was that Superman?
Yeah, Superman. Go down. That's got to be, what is that, a hundred thousand?
Millions.
Deadly snakes. How much is a deadly snake?
Wait a minute.
Two Cobras? Oh, you can't...they're that much? $276,000? For albino king cobra snakes. Yeah, don't get that. For a quarter of a million dollars. Oh wait, what? Cage was previously a
two-headed snake he wanted to buy for $80,000. That guy's a weird guy.
Bro, look at all those, he owns an octopus.
For half a million.
Wait, wait, why was the octopus half a million?
No, 150 grand, right?
Yeah, 150 grand.
It says in the mid 80s, so.
Yeah, for now, yeah.
Why was an octopus that much?
You eat them.
Private Island.
That's a good question, actually.
Yeah. $5 million for a private island. Oh man, maybe I had like cuz because they have suctions maybe they suck his cock
Medieval castle in Germany. No, I don't like that. What do you what do you that's very this is wild castles are to this was this one was
2.3 million castles is crazy. I like castles what Do they even have Wi-Fi? An 18th century castle in England.
Haunted house.
Well, not real, you know, not haunted.
Go down. No such thing.
So how can you say I bought a haunted house?
They're not it's not haunted.
Five million. I hate that shit.
Five million.
Well, what's haunted about it?
It was a serial killer's house.
Oh, oh,
well that's different. But not, don't say, well don't say haunted then. Say it was a
serial killer's house. Crime scene. Other experimental property. Yeah, way, way more
interesting. Scroll down. Oh, what's that? Come suck my cock, octopus. That's a man.
Come do it. Come on octopus. 8.5 million square foot Las Vegas. You're worth half a man. Come do it. Come on. 8.5 million square foot Las Vegas.
You're worth half a million.
Come suck my cock.
Las Vegas residency.
Come on, you got suction, right?
$35 million house in 2010.
Come suck my cock near my triceratops head.
No, he put it on a market.
He owned a house he put on the market for 35 million, sold it for just 10 million.
Okay.
Bought it for how much?
10. Bought it for how much?
10.
Bought it for how much?
No, put it on the market for 35.
Sold it for just 10 and a half.
Oh, right, I got it, okay.
Bought it originally for eight million.
All right, well, that's, what a life, you know?
He bought a meteorite from Mars.
All right, you don't deserve my attention anymore.
Wow.
All right, I guess that's gone.
It's been long enough.
It's been caught on air, you know?
That yacht, he just doesn't stop.
Yeah, that is wild, bro.
A nine-foot burial tomb? That for himself when he dies, yeah. Is it right he just doesn't stop. Yeah, that is wild, bro. A nine foot burial tomb?
That for himself when he dies, yeah.
Is it right?
He already picked out the graveyard, yep.
And the tombstone, obviously.
That's it.
Whoa.
A debt free future, you know?
I doubt it.
That is really, that is really, that makes me feel weird.
That's living. In another way, that's living.
In another way, that's just, what are you doing?
Yeah, it's living in a way, and in a way,
but it's like, I think that ends badly,
but maybe it doesn't, I don't know.
Okay, well, I mean, he's like,
he's in a great mood all the time.
Yeah, ha, stop my cock octopus.
That's why he's in a great mood.
You know, finger in his mouth, so I was seeing this girl
Started the show without fucking even asking well, I think we were on that tip though. Let's do it. Don't defend him
Well, he don't know he's a dumb dumb, but let's do it. Okay
So I was seeing this girl all last summer
A couple weekends ago. We got back together and hung out for the night
A couple weekends ago, we got back together and hung out for the night
I we go on a date the next weekend. I go to her house to pick her up
She's like oh come inside my family, and I are having drinks hanging out and like alright alright So I go inside have drinks with them hang out. It's all cool
And then I take us to the bar just her and I we have some drinks. It's good
She's like I'm gonna go get us another round and I'm like alright sweet
So she goes inside and I don't see her for maybe 20 25 minutes. I'm like alright something's up. I go inside
I'm looking for I looking for and I see her sitting next to a really handsome dude at the bar
And I'm like ah shit here. We go. Yeah, So I go over and hang out with them for a bit.
We all chit chat, it's all good.
And then we go on to the next bar, her and I, and he comes with us.
And I'm like, ah shit.
So we go have a bar at this next place.
Okay.
We're hanging, it's all good.
She takes out her phone, and I see her open up the contacts app. Okay. We're hanging. It's all good. She takes out her phone and I see her open
up the contacts app. No. And hand it to him. Real sly and slow trying to hide it, you know.
Oh, that's the worst part. And I'm like, oh, that's not kosher. So I hid my bill without
saying anything. I got up and just left. Yeah. I got in my car. Sure. She came out. She's
like, where are you going? Where are you going going? I'm like I'm going home, dude
Do you need a ride and she didn't really answer me and I go do you need a ride? I'm going home
She didn't end up coming with me. I went home
Got super fucking pissed drunk sat by the fire and sure blocked her yeah
Makes sense cuz I don't fuck with that as you don't do that to somebody I get no you do not shitty man
You do not so I'm totally fine with never hearing from her again never seeing her again
But I'm sure I will at some point because we live in the same town. Yeah, okay
So I've got two options here I could I could be
Above all that and just not deal with it.
Let it flow right past me and just keep doing
what I'm doing, stay on my own trail.
Or I could find a partner.
Which I have no problem doing.
I feel at peace with what happened
and I've internalized it and I'm not taking it personal.
But I do, I wanna let her know that it hurt me
and that was kinda shitty, man.
Is that necessary? Do I have to? I guess I don't have to, but I would like to. But then that stirs up a whole nother bucket of shit that I don't want to deal with.
So what would you guys do?
Props to even being able to tell this story.
Articulate it so well. I wouldn't even want to be even thinking about it.
So,
That's funny.
But,
well here, okay.
So first things first,
you said,
that's not okay.
So explain what would be okay.
You.
I know, but which, like,
You said it's not okay what she did.
Yeah. So what would not okay what she did. Yeah.
So what would be okay that she did if she saw a guy, was really attracted to him, it's
the second date they're on, and she'd rather be with this other guy?
So what would be okay in that situation for her to do?
There are a couple things.
One is the really, really difficult thing of being like, hey, this is so awkward.
But I didn't, I swear, I had no intention of any of this.
But I met a guy over there.
And I'm just going to keep hanging out with him now.
And I don't like the idea that I'm leaving you hanging.
But I just really didn't want to be dishonest about it in any way. out with him like now. And I don't like the idea that I'm leaving you hanging,
but I just really didn't want to be dishonest about it
in any way.
Now, somebody can make a case that that's shitty,
that you dance with the one that brung you,
is the way the expression goes.
And that makes a lot of sense.
There's that version too.
There's just like, oh, dude, OK, I'm on a date.
I'm her.
Yeah.
And I'm on a date with a girl who's back at the bar
or the other area of the bar waiting for me to bring drinks.
And I end up next to a girl I'd rather be with.
I'd say, hey, I'm actually on a date right now.
So this is really embarrassing.
But, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way,
but obviously this is something I've never done,
but if I wasn't here with her,
I would just forever kick myself
for not trying to talk to you, not trying to see you again.
Under the circumstances, I know that they could be
a lot better, but this is what they are.
Would you mind giving me your numbers
so we could maybe get together sometime?
So then what do you say to the date?
Then I just say, okay, great, bye.
Then I go back to my date.
Do the date.
And have a fine time.
Yeah, I think that's probably the best thing to do.
Plus it's clear that she wasn't even,
he wasn't even close to where she ended up having
a run in with the guy.
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So what should we talk about?
No sugar added.
Neutral, refreshingly simple. Well, no, and if it was 20 minutes, that's
crazy. What are you doing rethinking you're with a guy?
But, you know, maybe she was drunk, maybe she feels bad. I mean,
look, she obviously like was going to hang out with a guy and that's okay, but like
what I would do is I would
probably leave it alone.
But I do understand wanting to be like,
hey, what you did was shitty, but she's out of your life.
Who fucking cares?
Oh, and yeah.
And then about that question,
I 100% would never say anything to her again.
And if, as you say, you're worried about running into her
because you live in the same town,
when you're around her, behave like the Joker.
Oh wow.
Behave like the, just an absolute.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Just, yeah, yeah, and it will be cushioned.
And just be like the, it's a new theory I've developed in my mind.
You're so mad that there's no containing your anger.
But you know there's no way to act on your anger.
It doesn't even enter your mind to physically harm her,
obviously, unless you're a sociopath.
So that's not even remotely on the table.
But then, like, what are you going to do?
Yell at her?
Write her an angry text or an email?
No, dude.
You don't ever talk to her unless you run into her.
You start dancing down the stairs.
And then you act like the Joker.
And start dancing down the stairs.
Yeah.
Whatever's nearby.
Ah, Batman?
She's like, oh, good thing I didn't stay with this guy.
Oh, yeah.
Batman, let's see the caped crusader try and fix this situation.
Ah ha ha ha.
But don't get that specific about Batman.
I'm glad I went with the handsome guy.
It's like, it's your version of the Joker.
You're not the Joker.
Right, like there's Joaquin Phoenix,
there's Jack Nicholson, there's different versions.
And there's also you.
Yeah, right.
And you could just be the quiet Joker in the corner,
just like, mm, Yes, you definitely could.
Batman.
Don't say Batman.
Make it more generic than that.
Can't do it without Batman.
Mm, Batman.
Could you imagine, dude?
Just in the, she hears you, like, kind of across the room.
She'd be scared.
You're real scared.
Mm, batty brains.
Yeah, that would be good.
Just don't say Batman.
What?
Because then you're totally insane.
I know who you are, Bruce Wayne.
Batman.
The dark knight.
She's just like eating at a sushi place with her.
Is she very engaged now?
With her now husband, yeah.
Yeah.
Batman.
Standing way too close to the table.
No, I like it all the way across the restaurant and just looking, Batman. Standing way too close to the table. No, I like it all the way across the restaurant
and just looking, staring, and he's also on a date.
But he's still doing that.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Just fucking up his own date.
Hey, sweetie, actually, I got to do this thing.
I know it's going to seem really weird, but it is
going to seem weird.
I'm going to get you the food's coming.
The food's going to come, but just chill. OK,. I'm gonna get you, the food's coming,
the food's gonna come, but just chill, okay?
I'm gonna just do this thing.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, Batman!
Oh my God.
She meets someone else and goes off with it.
Yeah, then, how could it happen again?
What the fuck?
Now I have to be the penguin.
Mink, mink, mink, in the next date.
Yeah.
He just keeps picking Batman villains.
The small town becomes Gotham.
He's every villain and there's no Batman.
And then he starts robbing banks and killing people.
Okay.
And then it really is Gotham with no Batman.
And that's where I come in.
That's okay.
And then I have to save that fucking place.
You have to be Batman.
So be careful, dude.
Don't let it get to you.
Yeah.
Otherwise.
Batman, the Batman.
If he's just doing that, like across the way, just like that, like that loud.
And she's just like, that guy keeps looking at me saying Batman.
The dude is like, the guy over there keeps looking at you and laughing and saying Batman.
She's like, I know.
Remember that day we met?
Do you remember the day we met?
That was.
That was that guy.
Wasn't that the guy that was with us
that was gonna drive you home and then,
he turned into the Joker?
That was his origin story?
He was the Joker?
When we met, that was his origin story?
Oh, fuck.
Batman.
Okay.
Wow, that's it. All right.
Yeah, that's a really good one, yeah.
Yo, what up, Matt and Chris?
What's up?
Big fan coming at ya.
What up?
So how do you wipe your anus?
Oh!
That's a good one after that.
Because my friend were talking about it.
And you said that he stands up completely to wipe his anus.
Does he bend over?
And that's just fucking crazy,
because everyone knows that you just do
the little side lean thing.
Yeah.
And then I looked it up and like 50% of the population stand up. So he stands up and bends.
Bends at his waist.
Either way you're bending.
Right.
So what do you think about that?
And also how crazy are those people and how bitch is it?
Those people that crawl into those little cracks in the earth and
Cave just fucking you know, oh, I mean crawl in those little crevices and shit and get lost filmmaker
So dangerous and so not worth it, dude. I
Mean, you know, I liked it though. I like to do no he did that because we have fun of the last guy, right? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I like to do such a fucking Darren Aronofsky fan though
I I don't know. I don't know. I like to such a fucking Darren Aronofsky fan though I will say that to me. I look I'm very particular with a lot of things to me
That's not even worth thinking about which is crap. Maybe it's cuz about shit
It's so hack, you know
But like I would be like I I stand up and bend over and really get in there
But that the only exception for what you're saying about standing up that I would make for anyone in the world is
if you're saying about standing up that I would make for anyone in the world is if you're standing up and bending at the waist yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah if you're just standing
straight up that doesn't even you're smooshing it it's yeah you're just smashing it more and
more in different ways into your cheeks Batman what the shitty ass you probably stand up to wipe, Batman. Oh, dude, did you get your refill?
I don't really acclaim sushi place.
No, I highly doubt 50% of the population does this.
No, well, not just stand up.
They might bend over like they're a, you know,
a football alignment or something.
You know, I would do that. I do that.
I'm picturing standing up straight.
Just wiping my butt.
Blue 42.
Like a pencil though.
Like there's no- No, no, no. Yeah, well, yeah well nobody we can't get you can't really wipe it good then
Yeah, it doesn't even your butt isn't even open you want to start wiping when your butt is in as open a position as possible
Vote for me so you can get in there with minimal damage
maximum efficiency and worst infomercial and
You know the the most
Poop for the wipe per wipe worst infomercial of all time
So buy our wipes
Try product
Do you stand and bend over try our product
So
Yeah, those people are crazy and you're not crazy.
Well, you're definitely crazy, but not for that reason.
Yeah. And the second one is
I didn't listen through. So.
How bitch is it when, like, the guys that are in the crawling space?
Oh, yeah. Well, it is bitch. Yeah, of course.
But it's not them being bitch, it's just like
Yeah, I mean, you're in a bitch situation.
Between rocks. Those guys get stuck and die, bro.
Yeah, dude.
I mean, could you think of something worse?
You know about little baby Jessica?
Remember baby Jessica?
No, I feel like I don't want to hear this.
No, it's fine.
Google baby Jessica.
OK.
Don't Google spelunking.
Google baby Jessica.
There we go.
She was just here.
I'll read this.
I don't want to hear this.
No, you do it.
It's OK.
Just scroll back to the top, please.
Widely known as Baby Jessica, in 1987,
she fell into a well in her aunt's backyard
in Midland, Texas.
Been there.
On October 14th, 1987, at the age of 18 months.
Over the next 56 hours, rescuers worked to free her
from the eight inches, eight inch wall casing,
about 22 feet below ground.
The story garnered worldwide attention.
A 1988 ABC movie, TV movie was made about it,
titled Everybody's Baby, the rest of Jessica McClure.
She fell down there. God damn it. Somebody go down there. This is going to take a long time.
So here's what happened.
Start now. Hopefully will be done within like 60 hours or so.
Crews obviously firing police and everybody were there.
And nobody could figure that out.
They weren't by an urban center with a ton of machinery.
But I mean, they had years and years or hours and hours
of time to try to get shit there.
Nothing was working.
Some random guy drove by and was like, what's going on here?
He could tell there was some kind of bad thing happening.
The media was there.
The Joker was there.
He learned what was happening and he just was like,
oh wait, I know how to do it.
And he fucking did it.
He goes like this, wait, I know how to do it.
Kills her.
Got her.
I actually landed on her.
Yeah, he was okay. Wait
45 hours the adjacent shaft and cross tunnel were complete
During the drilling rescuers could hear Jessica singing Winnie the Pooh Wow
Roofing contractor really Ron short
Volunteered to go down the shaft
He had been born without collarbones and could collapse his shoulders to work in
the confines.
Oh, dude, he's a transformer. I got it. Roll out. Gutter. Roll out.
The team with rocket boots on considered his offer.
Morgan Freeman's like, you did it. Joker's like, foiled again? Oh, whoa.
Oh, fuck.
So it allowed her to stay like blood still being sent everywhere and her organs still
working.
God damn it.
Because if you fall and get stuck in the wrong position, blood rushes to your head,
for instance, you're just, it takes 60 hours, you're not going to live.
Bro, I had a lot more bit to do but I stopped so you're welcome. Okay.
It is, damn you had no collar bones, bro?
How was he driving by?
I don't get it.
Holy shit.
They could use me.
Something going on down there.
As luck would have it, I have no collar bones.
Hold my nose, I'm jumping in.
Yeah, I think you would like fold, like imagine folding your shoulders as far in as you want.
Wow, dude.
Because there's nothing blocking it.
I bet you bring your shoulders in like that.
I mean, you have no idea and you're just guessing.
Yeah, I am guessing.
But that, the collarbone is huge and wide.
He had none.
That's crazy.
If I had no collarbones, I still couldn't do that
because my dick would fucking get in the way.
I'd be like this, here we go.
Oh, fuck, guys.
Yeah, my collar bones are folded nicely.
My dick and balls are caught in the,
you can see here, look, the tip is out, see?
It feels really good.
Do you know what a well is?
Yeah, the tip would be in no no no because you jump it goes up and it gets stuck like oh
It feels really good and careful like let's try to get me
Out here and we grab one there we go and here we go. I don't want to actually I don't want to actually ah
Okay, no push down. Oh
Fuck god damn it.
Thought I could help. Well, now I'm stuck here.
We gotta get another guy.
Oh, dude.
Ah, fuck, dude.
What the hell are we gonna do?
I know what we'll do.
How about this?
You grab me, pull me up and down like this really fast,
keep doing it until I jizz, and then we'll
use that as lubricant so I can get down there.
All right, here we go.
No, no, no, not you, sir.
Get the girl.
Not you.
You.
You with the big titties.
Come here.
OK, grab me and start stroking me like I'm a,
just me, yeah.
Get your hands under my armpits.
Ah!
Saddam!
Goddard!
More than meets the eye.
I'll say.
We finally did it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Fuelled again! More than meets the eye, we finally did it. FUELED AGAIN!
The worst mashup ever.
You know they'll do it sooner or later. The Joker and Transformers and Morgan Free Free.
Wow. Ah fuck.
That was wild. Okay, let's do another one.
Hey, at least we're off the rails before the show.
Hi, I'm Samet. I'm submitting this video because of the B-Day question you're off the rails before. Hi, I'm Prisin Met.
I'm submitting this video because of the bidet question you had in the last video.
Sexiest man I've ever seen.
Yeah.
Where you guys just said you can just wipe your ass clean.
Not ass.
I live in Portugal, so the bidet is like a big thing, I guess.
It's okay.
And I'm just going ask you this, if you had like pigeon shit or dog shit on your arm,
would you just wipe it?
Or wash it?
Do this guy?
I think it's the same thing about your anus.
Well guys, I love the show.
Thank you for this.
And bye.
When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? for this and um, bye. summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three
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Thanks for listening.
Made up the made up the question after he started recording. I
mean, I understand what you're saying, but that's still
different because it's bird shit, not your shit. But I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying, but that's still different because it's bird shit,
not your shit.
But I get what you're saying.
I get what you're saying.
You use water and soap, but you wouldn't,
so a bidet, you don't use soap in a bidet.
So that's not even comparable.
How, honestly, simply and like without any additional shit,
what does a bidet do?
It just makes it wet.
What? Your butthole? It just shoots water into your butthole?
Yeah. And so it gets wet poop around instead of dry poop.
I guess if you could argue...
You know, I don't know, bro. We spent a lot of time talking about this. I don't know. I don't know.
I've used it multiple times.
I've had a good run.
I gave the days a good college try.
And I just, I don't know.
The thing to me sounds like you gotta walk out
with like water all over you.
Yeah, well, yeah, you do.
I mean, you wipe, people are like,
well, no, you wipe then with. How much, you have to wipe up so much water you do. I mean, you wipe, people are like, well, no, you wipe then with the-
How much, you have to wipe up so much water.
No, I know, you need a blow dryer.
Yeah, you need it back there.
Put your fucking dick behind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sir?
Yeah, exactly.
All right, it's just, yeah, don't, you know.
Have you ever been shit on by a bird?
Me?
Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I have. Used to be been shit on by a bird? Me? Yeah. Yes.
Yeah.
I don't know if I have.
Used to be a day.
What?
Used to be a day for it.
You going in?
Have you ever been shit on by someone?
No.
Me neither.
Thank God.
Not even once.
I've had other people's shit on me though.
Well, that's what I was asking.
Other people's shit.
Oh, oh, really?
Yeah. How? You wanna know? No. I mean, I was asking other people's shit. Oh, oh really? Yeah, how?
You wanna know no, I mean I'll tell the story patreon. Oh, yeah. Okay sign up for our patreon and we'll tell you the story
I ate it. It's and that's it. Hey welcome to Life on Luxury. I ate it
That's it
No That's it. Starring Matt D'Elia as a person who hates shit, Chris D'Elia as a guy who said, what
the fuck?
That's disgusting.
Okay, anyway, cool.
The Joker wasn't in it.
Anthony, write it down at least so we won't forget.
Morgan, free free.
What's up, guys?
Sitting here trying to finish building a deck bragging and I'm listening to the last episode
and the guy had that Pade submission and he took a he took a shot at napkins like napkins don't fucking work every day
If you don't think napkins don't work and so does in toilet paper when you're eating sloppy messy wings
You got shit all over your face. You better stand up from the table. You're at walk to the nearest water fountain
bend over and
Get that shit off your face.
Fucking ridiculous, but it is a gay.
Anyways, my actual submission is, right now, I have an eight-month-old son.
I'm working seven days a week to try to get ahead financially so he can have a better future.
My idea is, eventually, I have to take my foot off the gas pedal in order to be present as a father.
More present as a father? When is that? I need advice.
I think of that.
When do they start remembering that dad wasn't around?
Cause I don't want to do that.
Well, I always think about, well, seven days a week, first of all, is a lot.
Um, but I think about how like back in 1950, being a good dad was going to work.
That meant you were a good dad was going to work.
That meant you were a good dad. You know what I'm saying?
Well, no, back then, that was what a man, a dad did
to go provide.
You go to work, you make money.
I'm just saying there were bad dads that did that.
Well, yeah, they beat you.
There are other things.
There's a number of ways to be a bad dad.
Of course, yeah, you could always call your son bitch boy.
That's one way.
Does that work all day, bitch boy?
Yeah.
Man, today too, bitch boy.
I'm a good dad, that's why.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, but I think,
it's tricky, because even I think of this, right?
Like I think of like my, well, we were just talking about leveling up.
Like my, my nut is bigger than it used to be.
And that means I have to work more and that means I'm gone more.
And there are some times where I'm gone a lot and I'm like, is this worth it?
You know?
Um, I do think of that.
So that's interesting. You're bringing this up now.
I would say as early as possible, it matters.
I really think that.
Like eight months old is, like I get it.
Like working five days a week, that's normal, but it's like
you're also, you know, missing their developments and shit. And that not only
will matter to them, it'll matter to you later on. I mean, you built... what are you
gonna remember when you're on your deathbed? Uh, your son or the deck you built?
You know what I'm saying?
You're not, you're gonna be right there.
You know who's gonna be right there?
Your son, not the fucking deck you built.
You know, you're not gonna be dying on the deck being like,
good thing I built this deck.
You're gonna be, your son's gonna be there.
So I feel like you need to build those moments a lot.
Seven days a week is a lot.
What did you say?
Why do you keep saying that?
Seven days a week is a lot. To work? keep saying that seven days a week is a lot?
To work?
You're saying he worked, he said he's said.
That's what he said.
Yeah, I work seven days a week.
Yeah, yeah.
And you know, if that's all day, that's.
Eight months, you're still, you're just around the area
when in my opinion, this is still a very little,
much debated topic, but around then, to my eyes
seems to be that's when the lights, quote unquote, come on in a person.
So you're right around that zone right now, but at the same time, they're eight month
lumps and they're very likely to not even be crawling yet.
And they are, it's interesting how babies are both,
like, the way they learn things is at lightning speed
compared to adults, but they are also so,
they take so long to do the basic shit.
Like you sang the sentence.
It's just insane, dude.
So yeah, I think older than, I disagree with Chris.
I mean, he has more experience than I do, obviously.
But I would say like, you know, doctors say
the ages of like two, two and a half up to five
are the most formative of the young years.
And then again, from like 11 to 14 are like extremely formational for who you are to become
as an adult.
Yeah, I mean, look, obviously you got to do what you got to do.
So you have to work and I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
You got to do what you got to do to provide your family. And you have to work, then I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You gotta do what you gotta do to provide your family.
And you're doing it, literally doing that for him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he will one day know that.
And here's something too that was told to me
that I really resonated with is like,
they have to see how hard you work
because you need to be a good example.
So they need to understand what hard work is.
Now look, that doesn't mean you need to work
every day all day, but you know, it's good for them to see their dad working or mom working
like that. So don't feel bad about it. I would just be conscious of it, dude. Like it's, it's,
it's tough. I don't know. I'm, you know, thank God for FaceTime and stuff. I think about like, you know, cause I'm on the road,
I can FaceTime them whenever.
Like dad was gone for doing stuff a lot of times,
not able to see us that, that, that, that, that would,
that must've been hard, bro, for him.
I mean, it was hard for us.
I can't imagine it was like for him.
Well, it was hard for mom, I feel like.
Yeah. Was it hard for us, you think?
Yeah, dude.
How so?
I mean, I remember.
It was so long ago, I don't remember.
Yeah, I would just like cry and cry every time he left.
Yeah.
And it's deeper.
So, next submission.
What's up, Chris and Matt.
Long time listener, first time submitter.
I've been listening to you guys
Forever Chris almost since the beginning of congratulations
Super happy you guys are a lifeline. Um, basically the advice that I need is my wife and I just had a baby seven months ago A baby boy. It's our first child. My wife and I are both very laid-back chill people go with the flow
but
I've noticed that with family members and friends when they do something that we don't like or we tell them hey don't give him food
Don't give him water don't take a nap with him. Whatever it is. You know what I mean, and they do it anyways
It just rubs your boy wrong, and I don't like confrontation
I don't like certain problems with people, but I have to stick up for my son
So where do you draw the line especially Chris you got two boys now. So where do you draw the line? Especially Chris, you got two boys now.
So like, where do you draw the line
and not being an ass to your friends and family,
but also being like, hey, it's my kid, don't do that.
Whatever it is.
Thank you guys, appreciate you.
See you at the lock, Adam, babies.
Yeah, bro.
I don't think it's happened too much, thank God.
But you know, mom and dad are pretty good at that.
Mom maybe sometimes, you should put a jacket on them,
and that grinds my gears.
So minimal though.
It's minimal, yeah, it's pretty minimal.
But that grinds my gears because I just don't like it.
Anytime anybody's telling me anything to do it,
it gets me crazy.
So I take it as that.
But like-
But what are you saying?
Like I'm saying, gets me crazy. So I take it as that, but like, what are you saying?
Like I'm saying,
it's a weird thing because I remember growing up,
you know, look, your mom needs to tell you
what to do, period.
And that can be, because of that,
sometimes she's gonna do stuff when she doesn't need to.
And as a kid, you're gonna be like,
I already knew that, right?
That's going to affect you in a negative way, even though that's not her fault.
Right?
So I think I deal with those instances too much. I put too much weight on that.
And I'm, and I get a chip on my shoulder and I'm like, now I'm like this adult.
That's like, don't tell me what to do.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Um, so, but you know, there have been times where,
I mean, I'm just, I just confront,
I just be like, don't say that.
Don't say that in front of him, say, you know,
it is weird when it comes to your kids, dude.
All the emotions come up and different emotions come up.
Like you start thinking about like,
how you were treated as a kid, what you would do.
There are ways that you're not gonna want your parents
to talk to your kid, that they talk to you,
and you're like, oh, you're not even gonna realize it
till then, like that happened to me.
I would imagine there's a line that is at times thinner
than others, but like where it's like,
it's either worth the battle or it's not.
And I would imagine when most instances,
when it comes to your kid and the way your kid is treated,
it's on the, okay, we gotta do something about it thing.
The big question is calling it out right when it happens
or having a more private moment after the fact about it.
Cause it's like, if you're with a group of people
and it's like, you know, if you're with a group of people and it's like,
somebody does something that you requested someone
not do with your son, one version of handling that is,
hey, what the fuck, I said you don't do that around my son
or with my son.
Another version of it is a couple of minutes later,
whoever did it, you say, hey, just so you know,
like that really does actually bother us
and we don't like that.
So if you don't mind not doing that again.
Those are two different ways,
two different completely approaches,
but you're gonna get the same thing.
So that's what he was talking about?
I thought he was talking about people
giving him advice on being a dad.
No, people actually doing things with his children
that he doesn't want them to do.
Oh, that's okay.
I guess I misunderstood.
It's kind of both.
Kind of the same thing, but like, like that's,
oh no, yeah, that's.
Like don't let him take a nap during this time.
Don't let him eat that kind of food.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's kind of the same, but it's different though.
Yeah, I would be mad. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would be mad.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I told you not to give him fucking sweet tarts.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I would say.
I told you not to fucking give it to him.
Right.
I'd say it just like that.
Yeah.
So that's what I would do.
Yeah.
But I don't know if your family is different, but that's.
Yeah, you got to.
More than for anyone else, you got to call it and not sit on it for your children
For your own child. It's just like they're nothing. They can't say anything yet. They can't do anything yet
They don't know what's good or what's bad yet. It's all your job
That's fucking super overwhelming, but like
It starts the day the kids there. Right. Okay.
Next one. Hi Chris and Matt. Big fan of both of you. Chris, I just saw you in Saskatoon. I was the
one who swiped up on your Instagram story and brought 10 of my family members and we all had a really really great time. I
need advice on, I have a few friends and one of my sisters who do this thing
where if we're having a conversation and I say something that maybe they don't
believe or they're not sure about when we're in mid conversation and we're talking, they
will pull out their phone and Google, you know, the said thing we're talking about.
And if it ends up being that I'm right, then they just kind of move on with the conversation.
If I'm wrong, they kind of stop the conversation in its tracks and tell me I'm wrong and correct
me.
I need something to say or like a comeback for that.
That is so annoying.
Because why are you Googling something
in the middle of a conversation?
It just gets me really fired up.
I have friends that do that all the time.
Anyways, love the podcast.
Can't wait to hear from you.
I never do that.
Bye.
I never do that.
If I'm disagreeing with somebody about something
that has factual information about it and one of us is wrong, I go, oh, oh, and I do not look it up.
I don't want to know if it's right. I don't even care.
My thing with all this is, I mean, I'm in the same boat, but it's slightly different.
It's like I like the old way of deducing what we come to think.
Eventually, if the conversation is over,
Of course.
And then you want to be like, well, who's right
and what really is the deal?
And you're not even with the people anymore.
That's different.
But so many people are like, oh, let's figure it out right now.
And you're just like, dude.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Don't.
This is the fun part.
I don't like that.
You're killing the fun part. Yeah. Because it's one of two things. Oh, you don't like that. Don't this is the fun part. I don't like killing the fun part because it's one of two things
Oh, you're right. Okay. Well now I know you're right like
There's and then it's aha told you I was right and then it kills the conversation
All you do is kill the conversation it cuz it's like oh, yo
You know Harrison Ford's been in more than 40 movies and you go no way. Mm-hmm
That's such a fun conversation to get into I know but if you could literally just ask Chad GPD now Harrison Ford's been in more than 40 movies and you go, no way.
That's such a fun conversation to get into. I know.
But if you could literally just ask Chad GBT now.
Most people, I would say like...
They go like, oh, let's see. Oh no, look, 60, dude.
80% of people.
That's annoying.
I would never do that until maybe afterwards, but I would have...
Maybe, yeah.
Or I wouldn't care, but people do that all the time.
You're right. Yeah. And it's younger people too,
because you know, they're hip with the.
Yeah, there's just more parts of it.
Yeah, it is weird though.
That sucks actually, that we're not gonna have that anymore
because we're gonna have.
It ends joy.
It ends enjoyment.
Google ends joy.
It ends fun.
It ends fun, but yeah.
What you're all doing.
The porn is good, but.
Ends joy. Porn're all doing ends joy.
Pornhub, not Google.
But if you want to Pornhub something, it ends with joy.
It ends with joy.
I would argue a lot of people it ends with shame and guilt.
That would be the next incarnation of it.
So it would go, oh man, I'm depressed.
Oh, let me look at porn.
Oh, oh, shoot, let me look it up. Let me go to Pornhub. Oh, wow, that's hot. Oh, let me look at porn. Oh, oh shoot, let me look it up.
Let me go to Pornhub.
Oh wow, that's hot.
Oh wow, this feels awesome.
Ah, brrrr.
Then it starts over again.
It doesn't end in shame.
The shame makes you be depressed again
and that's when it starts and you get there.
So it's a constant cycle and then you end up in rehab.
When you're-
It's a vicious cycle.
When you're 41.
Yeah man, that's, I mean, that's true. rehab when you're 41. Yeah, man.
That's, I mean, that's true. Very true.
Very, very true.
And you meet lots of colorful folks in there.
And it's hard to say, Oh, I'm like that guy.
Cause what that guy's doing is horrible.
But, uh, I was kind of more just like a guy who got chicks.
Okay.
If you want to put me in a category with him, I guess, just don't make me his
roommate, you know, and, um, and then they do.
And then you go, I don't know if I can be here for the full six weeks.
And so they move you and you get a different roommate, which is he's
actually worse in different
ways, but not in the moral way.
And the just, he's annoying because you're like, dude, I'm not that happy all the time.
You don't have to pretend this is rehab.
He was a happy guy at rehab.
Yeah, that's really, that's what I'm saying.
He was like acting and you don't have to put on a show, but you think you were lying
We're putting on an act
No, dude, you know what?
He shows up in the middle of fucking an hour out of Phoenix for six weeks and just just like what we do guys
Well, no, especially when your thing is you want to fucking have sex with chicks
You don't aren't and What was that guy's thing?
He couldn't stop masturbating.
That's what it was?
Yeah.
That's so easy to not do.
That was the whole thing about what I was talking to him about.
I'm like, hey, dude, it's not really a problem
if you just don't tell anybody.
Because I was like, did you get caught?
And he was like, no.
I was like, then it's not a problem, bro.
Oh, no.
What if it is, though?
What if it's like he's missing his daughter's recitals
because he's just got to get to crank ganking, you know?
I know.
I'm just saying.
That's such a terrible addiction.
Think about that person.
It sucks.
That guy was, I actually love that guy.
He's such a cool dude.
That is so disturbing.
Not like gross, but like the mind, oh my God.
He goes, I can't stop jerking off.
I'm like, oh really?
He's like, yeah man.
Do you want to do a puzzle?
Want to do a puzzle?
The immediate, who's there to stop him from jerking off?
God.
You, I guess.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, we're watching fucking Born Identity.
Come on, cool it. What if he really did and ruined with you? Hey, we're watching fucking born identity.
Come on, cool it. What if he really did it and ruin with you?
What would you, what were you supposed to do?
Obviously there's kind of guidelines for if someone breaks.
You're not supposed to masturbate.
Nobody's supposed to masturbate in a period.
A period, yeah.
And so what if you saw him masturbating?
Mom's the word probably.
Wow.
The whole time, even afterwards.
I don't give a, that's your thing.
Wow.
As long as I'm, you know, not doing it
and I'm in my, over on the other side, you know,
you know what I would be doing?
He's doing it, I'm going like this.
Batman, you're being a bad boy.
Could you imagine if I did that? Oh Batman, I bet being a bad boy.
Could you imagine if I did that? Oh Batman, I bet that feels good.
I need a new roommate, is what he would be saying.
Okay dude, that's the deal.
You can masturbate, but I'm gonna be laughing like the Joker
in my bed calling you Batman.
What if it turned into a cake for him?
No, he's just like, do the thing, do the thing.
You're ruining it.
And you're just like, I'm sorry, Batman.
No, do you guys get out of rehab?
He finds your number, calls you while he's
trying to come from masturbation.
I can't.
Could you be Joker again?
Come on, man.
Dude, I don't want to do this.
I'm at the park.
Come on, man. I do I don't want to do this. I'm at the park
Okay, I'm back playing flag football
All right fucked up, but that's the way the world is. I know it's how those guys I
Know that's the way we do it should do one more
You know boy man Chris, um, I wrote this down because I talked to slow last time apparently Oh, so deeper 18 year old. Oh, yeah broken kid. Yeah who called about a whole phase couple weeks
Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay number one. I have mildrette's, so that's why I'm doing weird stuff with my eyes. Okay, cool. Didn't even notice, but okay. And to the skincare lady,
and you too, it's so nice that random internet people are so nice, so thank you. Oh, cool.
Anyways, that friend who advised me to go on a whole phase is in a relationship,
a long-term relationship, so that's a no-go.'s a no go. I'm still single. In fact,
I have 100% failure rate on my attempted whole phase. So good. Keep going. But I'm okay with
being single. I'm just bored as fuck all the time. Gotcha. So my question is, what do I
do? Because I feel like I'm going insane. I have no job, no friends, few friends, no school,
and I'm moving in a couple of months.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Okay, well, honestly, dude.
I mean, honestly, this guy's so, like, pleasant.
This guy needs to be the guy who's, like,
read a bunch of books that when he talks about him,
women start, like, getting just so turned on.
That's good advice, because he looks like he could be that guy.
Just so turned on.
Yeah, just super wet.
Yeah, you're just like, you like reading from fucking...
Reminds me of, Their Eyes Were Watching God,
by Zora Neale Hurston.
Yeah, from fucking Marcus Aurelius
to Their Eyes Were Watching God, yeah.
Talk to fucking...
It reminds me of Huck Finn.
What?
Oh, I just need to... Huck Finn!
Not even that.
That reminds me of the Hardy Boys, volume seven.
What?
Oh, so anyway, Jim Hardy.
Look up like most classically beloved literature
from certain eras, you know, like the Greek era,
the Roman era.
And then when...
And then...
The enlightenment. When you're on a date, do stuff like this.
Ha ha, Dostoevsky would be rolling over in his grave.
100%.
Oh, he wrote a book called Anna Karenina,
and you know, and then boom.
Anna Karenina, yeah.
Oh my God, I'm so dizzy with desire.
Raskana, that's a Raskana Kafka situation,
if I ever saw one.
Yeah, do people, and then, yeah, no, people,
people that are a certain kind of person,
like, legitimately,
it, squeaks, they squeak.
They're so turned on, they squeak.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, it's just, it's, it's, it's weird.
I've seen it in real life.
It's, and you, the reason I say this
is because you look like a guy who might be curious
about the world and reading might actually be
of great interest to you, especially if you actually
have months to kill.
Dude, like try it, like literally pick up
some fucking, something from the Stoics.
Yeah.
And then you could be like, you'd be like,
you want to get them back?
Who are you, you're ripities?
He wrote Medea.
And I know what you're thinking,
it's not the Tyler Perry thing.
It is.
It'll also, frankly, if you read, you know,
Seneca and Marcus Aureli and all that.
But yes, anyway.
It'll also end up making you,
Would you like a towel?
Make you get over your shit quicker because that's what those books are. And you can read and not be bored but yes, anyway. It'll also end up making you- Would you like a towel? Make you get over your shit quicker
because that's what those books are.
And you can read and not be bored while you're reading.
That's the main reason, yeah.
Do that, dude.
Do exactly that.
And if you need specific reading lists,
here's what I'll do for you.
You fucking find me, find a way to contact me,
whether it's through the producer
Of this show that you submitted to or a bird pigeon or pigeon. Yeah the delivery bird
Uh a delivery bird, uh, or like dm me on instagram fucking sign up for my patreon
Uh anywhere just get at me and and I will also give you a list of books and it will be uh,
a short succinct list, but a very, very well thought out list.
And it's number one is the client by John Grisham.
And then after that is Hardy Boys.
There's a lot of Hardy Boys in it after that, um, up to 10.
So it goes the client and then Hardy Boys.
What actually goes Hardy Boys.
I think 11 was the dope one. And then, then the client and then all Boys. Well, it actually goes Hardy Boys, I think 11 was the dope one and then the client
and then all of the, there's a bunch of other Hardy Boys.
Anyway, get to me, I'll give you a list of the Hardy Boys
and I guess the client is a freebie,
but read that, it's really cool.
It's an awesome book with Brad Renfro in it.
Awesome.
Dude, did Brad Renfro die?
He died, right?
Oh my God.
That book's awesome.
It's got Timely Jones in it.
Anyway.
So stupid.
Yeah, but yeah, I don't know.
Remember when mom got me all those books of the client?
Yeah, I do.
That was a funny joke.
It was a funny joke, yeah.
I always talk about the client.
And like anytime somebody's talking about a book they read,
you go, oh yeah, have you read The Client?
Is like good or interesting,
Chris butts in in some obnoxious way and says,
oh, but have you read The Client?
By John Grisham.
And it's like a really stupid,
like pot boiler airplane, but airport book.
Yeah, and anyway, they made it into a movie,
but yeah, so I do that.
And I've done it for years.
And that was the joke in our family
that I would be like, that was the only book I read,
which is not true.
I've read tons of books.
I've just done it on screen.
And, you know, and so then what would happen was,
I bought my first house
and my mom has a home, what do they call those?
Housewarming gift.
Housewarming.
She bought me like a box of books of the client,
like a box.
Just the client.
And I filled up two shelves of bookshelves
with just the client.
And everyone that came over were like,
what the fuck is this?
Are you a Barnes and Noble?
And I'd go, no, but it's a great book, take one. came over were like, what the fuck is this? Are you a Barnes and Noble?
And I'd go, no, but it's a great book, take one.
And I had it forever, dude. And I would imagine not that many people took the client.
Nobody took it, but I read it and there you go.
If you wanna know about it, you can ask me about it.
I'll probably get it mixed up with the movie
that took some liberties, but whatever, it was a while ago.
So I guess that's it.
Does John Grisha movies, books, turn into movies like within a day?
It was so easy because there's already movies.
Yeah, he was writing them and then like Warren Brothers was buying the rights and
putting the cast together.
He was going like this, he was going like that.
Okay, I got a new book idea.
Here we go.
And Matthew McConaughey was like, I'll do it.
Julia Roberts and shit.
Wherever he was.
All the biggest movie stars at the time, so weird, so weird.
Yeah, and I'm wild.
All right, there you go.
There you have it.
Come see me on tour.
Come see me on tour.
I'll be in Florida.
I'll be in Houston.
I'll be in Irvine.
I'll be in Huntington, Huntsville, Alabama.
Go to chrisley.com, get the tickets.
Thank you.
Have a fun June. beginning today and don't forget to sign up for my Patreon
patreon.com slash Matt D'Alia it'll only be free for another few days so get in
there and start paying if you want to be playing as they say you know I'm saying yeah all right everybody love
you