Lifeline - 166. Spank It to Oblivion

Episode Date: June 22, 2025

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Hello? Hello? We please? Hello? Hello? Hello? Yeah dude, episode 166 of Lifeline. Happy birthday, it's June 22nd, happy birthday to Meryl Streep and Yammy,

who is a Roblox star, and I learned that now. Yammy, dude. How old is Meryl Streep? Can we look that up? And also, how now. Yammy, dude. How old is Meryl Streep? Can we look that up? And also how old is Yammy? Yammy dude. A Roblox star, just fuck on. Just kill me now, you know?

No, no, no. Meryl Streep is turning 76 today. Good for her. She looks really good for 76, man. You know what is funny? And she's obviously had work done because she's in Hollywood in 76. But it's so not obvious obvious. What's funny is well the work is getting better and better I will say but what's funny is when people are like 80 and

Some people will be like they look really good for their age and you're just like no like who? 80 is 80. No, dude. Some people really look good at 80. No, you are. Look up Sophia Loren at 80 years old. But you're 80 though. Yeah, but 76 is four years away from 80. And Samara Sweep looks like that. I know, but there's a huge drop off in the 70s. Hey, dude, she's 80, okay?

You know, the fucking still was unbelievable. She looked 112. Well, she's way older there. Right there. Yeah. Come on. 86. There we go. Yeah. It's eight. It's like, Oh, you look great for your age. What? Nope. You just look bad. You're about to die. All good. We all do. No, but wait, hold on. There's a huge distinction between like I, I, I've because dad, our dad has always looked like so much better than people his age still to this day.

Same with our mom. I get stunned when people tell me their age and it's close or the same as my parents because I'm like, oh, you look 95 compared to them. Still? Still, still dude. Dad's got the Michael Douglas hair. It's just silver.

Mom's got a really, really, like, a Boolean face and really good skin. I just think that late 70s is the thing where it's like, you know, you're just like, you know what? Fuck it. And you hunch over and shit. But some people look so bad at like 57. No, no, no. It's crazy. That is absolutely true, but my argument is late 70s and beyond just, that's what it is. Okay, oh, I have a good point to bring up. How about that guy that ABC News correspondent who got fired for that

tweet he made about Stephen Miller? Have you guys heard about, you know about this? The guy that did the very recent Trump interview where Trump was like, no, it says MSM, MS, MS-13. And his name's Terry, Terry Moran or something. I don't know. He is 65. Look him up, dude. The Terry Moran guy?

Yeah. He looks like younger than me. That guy's 65? He's 65 years old, dude. OK, we'll go to one of them. Look at that guy! That's what he looks like now. That's what he looks like right now.

Yeah, that guy looks great for 65. He looks like he's 54. But you can't, but you're not, that does not go against what I say. What do you think Trump looks like? 65 looks, yeah, Trump looks. you think Trump looks like? 65 looks, yeah Trump looks. You think he looks 79? Bad, he looks just you're.

I think Trump looks younger than 79. Fine, you can say, you can say, there's two things here. Okay. Okay, there's looking good for your age like that guy who's 65. Yeah. Okay, and then there's your 80.

Trump, you just look bad at 80. You don't look good. There's nobody that does. True. Yeah, maybe not. I'm not bad mouthing the president. No, no, I get it. I'm saying.

I get what you're saying. Also, it wouldn't be bad mouthing anyway. Just Google this, hot 80-year-old. Just try it. I mean. Look, he's fit. Oh, but he's Japanese. He doesn't count. Look, just Google this, hot 80 year old. Just try it. I mean. Look, is he fit? Oh, but he's Japanese. He doesn't count.

Yeah, yeah. Japanese, but let me look at that guy. I mean, that's actually. That's unbelievable. Legitimately insane. Is Helen Mirren 80? Cause that would be crazy. No, Helen Mirren was hot.

It was always hot. So weird. If she's 80, that's crazy. No, I don't know. Pierce Brosnan is 75 dude. Watch. Unreal. So watch. 79. So watch. She's 79 that's crazy. Okay so watch the next five years Pierce Brosnan huge drop-off that's what I'm saying. They both look old as shit in Mobland. There we go. There we go. They both look what? Old as shit. In Mobland. They look pretty old. Shut up. There we go. Shut up dude. No there we go. They both look what? Old as shit. They look pretty old.

Shut up. There we go. Shut up, dude. No, there we go. That's what I'm saying. 75 beyond. That's when your body just goes, we're not in this game anymore. It's a different game.

I doubt that's super. We sit down more. Well, I mean, somehow. And we live. We just live. I have expected she's getting shorter in this country. That's so not good. Well, yeah, no, that's not good.

But I, anyway, I'll be in St. Louis coming up here. I'll be in Indianapolis. I'll be in Irvine, California, Huntsville, Alabama, Miami, Florida, Houston, Texas. Those are the summer dates at the clubs. Cannot wait. I was just in Fort Lauderdale. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets.

And let me say this. Sign up for our Patreon. It is popping. It is on and popping. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. There are 50 plus episodes or might be 60 plus episodes there including two full hour long live episodes that we did with studio audiences. So go on there and do that and subscribe to our YouTube. Also, of course, my solo show is finally relaunching on the 26th of June. If you sign up at the $5 tier before we launch

Thursday June 26th, you will be locked in at that price for as long as you wish. It is a good deal. Get in there. Get in strong. We're living live. We're living hot. We're living sexy and it's live two days a week Get in there patreon.com slash Matt D'Aulia, of course get to the lifeline merch lifeline merch com and That's a lot of my merch at my shows. That's good, which is cool. I always like that. It's nice I was in Florida. I was in Fort Lauderdale I Basically I was in Florida, I was in Fort Lauderdale. I basically, it's, I'm, I re, okay, so, Thursday, last week, we record the shows on Wednesday. So the next day, Thursday, I go to the gym

and I do deadlifts. I'm like, it's gonna be my deadlift day. Okay, I'm just gonna kind of do this for a long time until I'm spent. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. It's good. I'm strong for the day, like for me. So I'm feeling good.

Then I just start getting cold, okay? Like in the gym and I'm like, this is crazy okay? Like in the gym, and I'm like, this is crazy to get cold in the gym, especially after I started working out. So I'm like, did they put the air on low? Like what is going on? I almost asked the trainer, but then I'm like, nah, I'm just gonna finish my workout and go home.

I'm in the car, I go home, and I realize, ah, fuck. Yeah, that's the worst. I'm getting sick. Yeah, yeah's the worst. I'm getting sick. Yeah, yeah, I knew you were gonna say that. Okay. So I go home, I take a load off. I don't know if I napped, I can't remember.

The next day I have to fly to Florida. Wake up Friday morning and I'm sick. And I go, this sucks. I'm gonna have to fly sick and and and then perform sick and not only that two shows a night so it's not just one show a night all right but I'm like maybe this is the pinnacle of the sickness right maybe Friday the travel day isacle of the sickness, right? Maybe Friday, the travel day is gonna be the worst

because I felt chilly yesterday and then today's gonna be the fever. It'll break tonight, you know what I mean? But sometimes it's a quick thing, especially when you're older. So I take the flight and it borderline sucks, you know, because I'm sick. Like I'm, you know, I'm flying sick is terrible. Some have where I was like sleeping and then the lady woke me up to see if I went to eat lunch, which is crazy.

I was sleeping, obviously sleeping too. Anyway, so I get there. I get Friday night. I get the bad fever again. I don't have shows Friday night. And then I go to bed, I wake up and it's, and 6.30 when I wake up, I'm drenched again, right? Like I'm drenched, okay.

So I'm still sick and I'm like, fuck, I got two shows tonight. This is gonna suck. Let's just get through it. I wanna make sure these people have a good time. But it's gonna be tough. I very rarely perform, I very rarely get sick when I'm performing, which is great.

It's happened in New Orleans, it's happened a few times, but you get through, you do it, whatever it sucks. So I end up feeling good in the middle of the day. So I'm like, oh, I think I'm getting through this, okay? Yeah, always, yeah. Yeah, right. The cortisol come, you know, lowers and then goes there. So I get, I do the first show on Saturday,

it goes awesome. I feel great. I get off stage and I go, oh, I gotta do another show. And then I just kind of realize how bad I feel great. I get off stage and I go, oh, I got to do another show. And then I just kind of realize how bad I feel again. OK? And then I have to do the second show. And I start feeling awful in the second show. OK?

Go home, freezing. Go to the hotel. Freezing. Go to sleep. Wake up shivering. OK, so I'm sick. I'm like legit sick. Yeah. It's now Wednesday.

We're recording. Okay, I have woken up every single day in cold sweats or I guess hot sweats. I don't know. I slowly drift away. Okay. No, no, no. I realize on the way here. I finally feel better.

That's a full week. A full week of having a fever as an adult. You had a fever every day. Yup. Isn't that weird? That's what, what did you have? That's the flu? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Jesus. The doctor said it was probably the flu. I mean, if I went away, what was a virus? Obviously. Yeah, well, no, it was a virus. It wasn't like I thought I was like, is it bronchitis? What the fuck?

You know? Yeah, I would have thought something like strep or something, which is the worst. It wasn't strep, but it wouldn't have gone away if it would, you know, you'd be like, yeah, well, I know it wasn't strep. Well, I guess I don't know it wasn't strep, but I know it wasn't strep because Calvin was sick before me and he got checked for strep and it wasn't strep, well I guess I don't know it wasn't strep but I know it wasn't strep because Calvin was sick before me and he got checked for strep and it wasn't strep. So I just figure I got what he got. Yeah, yeah. But whatever it sucked dude. You can get strep in your butt. Um what? In your butt, you can get strep on your butt, in your butt, around's true. You're gonna strap your butt. Oh, you're gonna strap your butt, dude? Oh, you heard it, dude? Phil got strapped in his butt, so why's it not here? Who do you have for English?

That sucks, dude. I can't do anything sick. No, I... Performing sick is really hard. And I should be really applauded for it. And I was. Well, how did the second show go though? Also, didn't you have two nights of two shows?

Yes, so Sunday as well. How did the second night? It was brutal. Oh God. But I did, you know, they had a good time. But anyway, is that interesting or what? I don't know. Yeah, it sucks though.

I realized that you know because I'm a maybe it's cuz I'm a comedian or some shit and like I'm often talking but like I've been realizing lately that I am I am very good and engaging at telling stories and and the stories themselves are terrible. You know what I'm saying? Like they're not a story like like I will talk for 30 minutes about trying to get my prescription filled at CVS and there's no ending to the story. But the whole time I'm drilling the story into you and you're like, yeah, yeah, and you're waiting for something and then I go yeah and then I

got the prescription. That's bad. But is it? Because the whole time you're having fun. I was gonna say it's always good if the story, it doesn't matter how long the story takes if the story is good. Like in my, on my lives, every once in a while there'll be somebody like, you keep saying that one detail like we know. And I'm like, dude, no, no, no. Get out, stop watching. You don't understand what a good story is.

It's not about just checking off boxes of every detail. You gotta circle back to some stuff. You gotta remind people of some stuff. You gotta check back in with this other thing It's like a story is a thing that Some people do better than other people. Yeah, that's why people like to be around certain people who tell stories I can't believe some people who are bad at telling stories and they're and they want to tell you stories Yeah, and you're just like oh no. Yeah

I'm I I got us. I guess oh, you own me now for a little bit. Yeah. Just do whatever you want with me. And then they're just talking at you and telling you about some bread they made. Yeah, it's bad, yeah. And you're like, oh, okay. It's bad news.

And then I put the yeast in and you're just like, I don't give a fuck, dude. All right. Well, dude, I'm sweating now because it's hot in here. I'll tell you, I'm really, really hot. But that's fine. That is fine. I, you know, we work hard here in congratulations in Lifeline. So let's do that. Let's go do a. Yeah, we're. Yeah.

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The thinker. Big fan coming at you. Wow. Don't seem like it. So my question is, how many times do you repeat yourself to someone before you get a Absolutely rip roaring mad. Mmm. I used to be very patient with it. Mmm, but recently as you get older I'm just not patient with it anymore. I I'm starting to not repeat myself at all. Yeah

So yeah, and also how bitch is it when you run after an elevator door and you have to stop it from closing? You usually gotta like stick your hand out like a bitch. All right, later. So insecure. Yeah, at the end. Yeah, it's weird having kids now like you have to repeat yourself 150 times. I don't like that. And sometimes I'll say something once or twice and then I'll be watching. I mean, Billy doesn't, he kind of talks, but Calvin understands so me completely.

And so I'll say something to Calvin and he won't do it. And then I'll say it again and he won't do it and then I'll say it again and he won't do it and I'll sit there watching him waiting for him to understand that I'm waiting for him to do the thing. And I will just wait for, I mean. Is it like a battle of wills or is he not even like? That's what I don't know. So I'm like, did he fucking hear me or not? So I'm just, it's all in my head.

And Calvin's just like, I made a pizza. You know what I mean? And I'm like, dude, get your fucking PJs on. But it is, it is weird to repeat yourself. I think you, I think twice, but I think that you don't really... I hate repeating myself. I've always had the hardest time repeating myself in any context. Like with a kid, it's like, of course you're going to have to repeat yourself. It doesn't even register for me, but when it's like somebody I'm in a room with

or somebody's in the other room and I know I said it loud enough for them to hear me and they go, what? I'm just like, I'm gonna kick this person out of my life. Yeah, I understand that that's pretty the overwork. But why do I, the thing is about it, and I think this is probably why he submitted the question is why do we get so mad?

It doesn't make any sense. Well, there there should be a rule there should be a rule You do not talk to somebody unless you're in the same room with them Especially if you have a wife dude, my wife she thinks I'll hear her Hey I'm in a different room and you're a woman. I Can't hear you even when you're in the same room. Hey, Chris. This is what I hear. I'm watching TV.

I'm just sitting watching TV. Yeah. What do you say to Chris? One for lunch. And now I got to do, uh, what? But not sound mad. That's the worst part. But you can't cause you're a man and you've got to be loud. You in raising your voice, it's pre associated with anger. So you, so you're like, like,

but even try like try right now to loudly say what in a sweet sounding way. Yeah. Go. What? What? I mean, you can't do it. The pussy drives, cause you're gay. But it's like, you can't even do it.

Huh? A bird, just a bird. Huh? Huh? Can you repeat yourself? A parrot. Dude, I know I'm in the wrong here, but can you repeat yourself? The worst.

Just the biggest bitch of all time here now. The worst is when you're in the other room and you repeat the thing, then they ask again, and you say, like, in the top drawer. And then from the other room you hear, jeez. Dude. Then you gotta go back to, sorry, I'm just a guy. Dude, I can't be, in, okay, let me try that.

In the top drawer. That's my nicest. No, it would be. She'd start crying. Yeah. And break down. She'd be like, with the things in the top drawer falling on her.

Just. Uh. It's pretty crazy, yeah. Dude, so it's like, if you're going to talk to me from a room away, you're going to get, you're going to get, you know what I mean, the motherfucker. But now though, when somebody's in the same room as me and I say something and they say what, and then I repeat myself and then they say what, even though I know, because all

my life I've been told that I'm mumble or I'm quiet or I run my words together or anything. I just, I'm just like, I'm gonna fucking put bullets in you. That's on you usually. Oh, I know, I know, but that's what he's saying. But you know the people that say, hey, hey something that say hey hey something and then you say what and then they don't do it louder or more clearly mm-hmm that is inexcusable if if if somebody says what to me I I try I usually go, oh, I gotta speak louder and more clearly, okay?

People don't do that. They just say it again. Hey dude, you're standing where you were standing and you're saying it the same way you just said it. Do you know shit about sound waves? I think that what they're thinking is now that you're listening. Paying attention?

Yeah. Yeah, dude. No, I don't do the work. You have something to tell me. You do the work. I think I fall into the camp that you're describing, and I think I fall into it because, for a different reason, I think not changing. Oh, well, there you go.

That's what makes you an asshole. I agree. Yeah. I mean, I'm projecting, but I think that's what this guy's struggling with. It's like, why do I get so mad just because somebody didn't hear me? If you think about it,

it's the stupidest reason to get mad. I'm talking to you, you say what, and it could have been some sound over there that clicked over a main word. Fuck those kinds of sounds. It could be anything though. But another thing is too, sometimes chicks will talk when other things are happening

and it's un-fucking-believable, dude. Well, that's really vague, so explain. They'll be like, the construction's starting at 8.30 a.m. and be like, okay. And then you just be like chilling at eight with your wife, just... Just with your wife, just... Mm-hmm. Like... Just with your wife, just.

And then fucking 829, 59. 830. And you're like, you know what? And you go, oh my God, dude. You had an hour to tell me what you wanted to fucking look for on Facebook Marketplace today, and now is when you choose to do it? Yeah.

Yeah, that's no good. It's all a real big problem for me, but I need therapy for this exact reason. So I can't even give advice on this. All I can say is that you are an asshole if you get, if you genuinely get upset when somebody needs something you said to be repeated and no one, despite the fact that no one sympathizes more with you for getting mad. I just, that's just the truth. Like both things are true.

Yeah. Okay. Fine. Sucks. It's one of the worst things about being alive. That and cancer. I mean, you know, and dementia and Parkinson's, there's a bunch of stuff, but yeah. There's some other stuff. Let's do another one.

The crowd. What's up boys? This is DJ from Dallas. I'm currently working. I'm a paramedic. Been doing this for about five years now. Imagine you're dying and he shows up. You'd think you'd die. You'd think you're dead, and that's Jesus.

OK, keep going. He's the crow. I'm really good at what I do. I love what I do. Bragging. Once there's not really any room for growth once you become a medic. I'll you what dude if that guy showed up And I had like a broken leg or if someone was dying if I was dying

You know and he showed up my last thought has to be that stupid fucking neck necklace Pirates of the Caribbean necklace. Oh is that him? He's like that is it what it is. It's a sword and the Pirates of the Caribbean Is it? Wait, what? It is? It's a sword and the Pirates of the Caribbean necklace. It's a Jack Sparrow thing? And he looks like Jack Sparrow.

Oh, I was talking about the gold one, actually. I didn't even see that other one. Wow. But thank you. This is good why we have Anthony, because he's a huge fucking dork. Yeah, he only he would ever notice that. And he could know these things.

That's actually from the second iteration of the Pirates franchise. This word is deeply meaningful to, you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Okay, so. Oh yeah? Fuck it, I don't care, dude. Another boss of the ambulance, my partner's an EMT, so EMTs can't do IVs, push drugs,

read 12 leads, the medic does all that. So I'm already at the top of my current job and I feel like I wanna do something more, could make more money, maybe go back to nursing school or go back to school, do nursing. But I don't wanna go back to school. I don't know, I could just keep doing this or I could, what do y'all think? Changing up? You know, I'm 26,

so I have time, but I love you both. Chris, I've been a fan since seventh grade. I used to record people behind them who, people who walked funny and say, has to shit so bad, has to shit so bad. Love you, Matt, love you all the same. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. We get this question a bunch actually. You know what it is?

Stagnance. It's like, okay, also there's a thing like a quarter life crisis sometimes that people do it. I mean, people go through different ages and all that shit, but I, there is... You know what people wanna do, you mean? I've been actually meaning to bring this up on this show because these people are friends of the show.

And this is a question that we get a lot, okay? The, you know, not knowing what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. And I tried this thing the other night. So it's a website, it's called, it other night. So it's a website. It's called apt. And it's a website. And you take out, you take like a very short survey

of if you feel stagnant in your life or you want to work on personal growth or if you want to work on like, you know, am I doing the right job? What job should I do? If you're feeling like you need guidance or something, you go to this thing. My friend's been like, you got to try this thing. So I tried this thing last night. This is the website. It says right there. It says, find your calling is where you click.

Discover your perfect career path. Okay. Yeah. Unlock your potential. I should do this. Yeah. Yeah. You haven't done it yet. So I've, I've, did it. Yeah, I did it last night. Trying to quit comedy? OK. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I was like, I'm a comedian. Well, I already know. He's like, it's still fun. And you will think it's wild.

So I go, all right. So I did it. And I put it in for personal growth. And they asked me a bunch of stuff. It takes a few minutes to do a survey. And then it'll just basically put together a document that's like, this is who you are, which is crazy. And you read it and you're like, oh, I should just use...

For me, immediately, I was like, oh, I should just use this as my bio. Well, let me do it. Hold on. So I did this and then it told should just use this as my bio. Well, let me do it. Let me do this. Hold on. So I did this. And then it told me a bunch of stuff about myself. And then there's this thing where you can just ask this AI person in it where you're like, hey, I need help with this.

What should I do? And they're like, oh, well, why don't you try this? Bro, I ended up talking to this person for like an hour last night. It's not a real person. It's AI. But I was like, this is absolutely insane, dude. It's the good version of the future.

Well, yeah. Dude, it is so weird that I was just talking to this person, saying like, I was asking them, I was talking to them about very like deep things in my life. And a lot of it is like, yeah, you get it. You know, this is, a friend could have told you this, but they're always like, this was one in the morning. They're always awake and like, it's just, it was insane. So we're gonna leave your wife for it, you know?

Well, that's the best part about it though the best part about it is this is what I think the best part about it was that this was a woman I was talking to but there's no extra like hey what's up though you know there's none of that because she doesn't exist. Yeah they're not pretending to be a real thing. So you're getting the comfort and the niceness of a woman but you're not in the back of your man head going, oh, yeah, people, what's up, though? Yeah. You're not trying to fuck her.

No. Because you, so it's so dope. It's so dope, dude. It takes out the sexiness of a woman. All right. Getting heated. So I think. That's what's so awesome about it.

First time, yes. What's your goal today? So what's your goal today? Find my path to... Wait, wait, wait. Let me in the middle. What did you do? Learn about myself and grow as a person.

No, no, no. I'm scared of that. Find my path to a fulfilling career. Let's do that one. Okay. So there's a bunch of these. This takes about 10 minutes. I prefer to be spontaneous and flexible rather than plan every detail.

I strongly agree. We're different, me and you. Yeah, we are. Isn't that crazy? It's important for me to be unique. I mean, not if I'm not neutral. Oh, wow. We're different me and you. Yeah, we are. Isn't that crazy? It's important for me to be unique I mean not if I'm not neutral. Oh, wow. We're different. I Enjoy working with my hands. Yeah You know what I'm saying strongly agree really

Like working with your hands. Welcome. Hey, yeah. Oh boy, but we mean in general no neutral Yeah, do you have any dream jobs? Um Yeah, ball washer. You know? Cock drainer. Just ruining the whole thing if I put cock drainer, you know. The whole thing up to now. Jizz extracted professional. I guess honestly, like a journalist, I guess. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. What's your name? Matt D'Alia. Matt D'Alia. Great. Fucking Matt D'Alia I said I said it. Capital E. Guy works with him for fucking three years.

It's analyzing. Analyzing it for me. What if I stood up ran out, started the job, and then in a few weeks he saw me on the news as a billionaire? See? He emailed me a link to sign in. Results. Whoa. Okay.

Career paths for you. All right. So now we got it here. So we don't, I don't think we need this anymore, but. Whoa. Brother killer. No. What? Sibling killer. Really?

Yeah. Is this a Predator franchise? Brand strategist, content development manager, corporate trainer, user experience researcher, public relations specialist, workshop facilitator, side hustle, documentary producer. Oh dude, what's cool is they give you like, they call that a wild card like that might be.

Oh yeah. Futurist wild card advises organizations on future trends and scenarios, helping them prepare for long-term trends. Dude, that would be so good at that. What? Futurist, that's the job. Futurist? You advise organizations on future trends and scenarios, helping them prepare for long-term prepare. It's not weird that they know that you'd be good at that though

It's weird here. And then when you go to ask mentor you can do you talk to it. I'll talk back I like when you mentioned about being a futurist. How could I get into that? Becoming a futurist involves staying ahead of trends and understanding how various factors will shape the future Here are some steps to get started. First, stay informed. Follow emerging trends, technologies, and global developments. Second, education and networking. Engage with thought leaders, attend conferences, and participate in workshops. Third, develop analytical skills. Hone your ability to think critically and analyze data. Fourth, communicate insights, share your forecasts and ideas through blogs, presentations, or speaking engagements. Isn't that crazy? Like you, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like I mean, I understand

that like a lot of times the, the, the answer is obvious, but to be able to talk back to them like that and have them get personalized shit is just crazy. This thing is going, it's going to be insanely. This thing is going to be insanely huge. It seems like it's going to be huge. It's going to be insanely huge. It's basically a friend, dude. So anyway, because we're friends of the show, you can use this and we got a code for you to try it.

The website is tryapt.ai and you would put slash lifeline. That's the code lifeline and that's 50% off. 50% off? Yeah it's a good deal but it's so it's so wild and you should just give it a try. It's weird how utilitarian it is you know? Right. Because you don't think of it as... Because when you open chat GPT or something you're just like yeah how do I change a tire and then it tells you how to change a tire but it's not like that's just how you change a tire. So go to tryapt.ai slash lifeline you get 50% off that's for our listeners you welk and give it a try but anyway yeah

that's that's what's up. Alright let's do the next one baby. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Roger Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go Pass ahead of the show at GoTransit.com slash tickets. No Frills delivers.

Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at NoFrills.ca. Matt, Chris, what's up you sexy motherfuckers? Yeah. Quick question. I'm having a dilemma with my wife. So I'm a shit scroller.

I like to, you know, scroll TikTok, Instagram, all I'm pooing. Okay. And lately when I've been coming out of the bathroom, my wife was like 13 minutes She's timing me. I'm taking a shit this happened multiple occasions and it bothers me so bad. Yeah Want to get your your guys perspective here. Do you think? Am I taking a shit for too long is that weird of her for timing me? Why would she time?

I don't know what to think here. Love ya. Simple, straightforward. Why is she timing you? Yeah, well, what I don't get is they're married, so they live together. Obviously, what they, a lot of times you go to the bathroom

because it's like, I don't know, I value it as like, I get to chill me time. You've mentioned this before. The kids can't even bother me, like I have to be in here. So like, sometimes you'll sit on there extra long. And that's, if that bothers her, that's one thing, but you should just tell her, yo, yeah, I'm gonna do 13 minute bathrooms sometimes

because I want to and it like is really nice for me. Also who are you fucking Mussolini like like yeah the shit needs to be eight minutes or less like what the fuck the shits don't run on time so she's got to throw a fit like what what is the proper length for shit 13 minutes is long but it has happened. Like to call your husband out for a 13 minute shit and be like, hey, what's your problem? Why are you taking 13 minutes to the bathroom? Is to be like, I wanna divorce.

It's like a really, I'm not suggesting you do that, of course, in fact, please don't, not on my advice at least. And I know it's like ingest the submission, but that is territory that you do not enter. Like if my wife, I'm not married, but if I was, it took a shit for 13 minutes, I wouldn't be like, hey,

I noticed you were in the bathroom for 13 minutes. That's pretty weird, yeah. That's, what's that about? I mean, dude, sometimes Kristen is in the bathroom for so long because she's like just in there and on the computer or something or Like bring has her phone and who cares though. Well, I don't any of it. Well sometimes I'm like, yo, you're right She's like, yeah, I'm just you know chilling which is the opposite of what this woman's right, right?

Yeah, this woman's like you're not alright. Yeah, you took too long and that's a problem Yeah, I don't approve of her at all. Also you gotta wanna, you gotta, don't you want, sometimes, you know guys are like this too, but you know some people, sometimes you'll have like someone that's just like, I want to do everything with you and like what are you doing and you're codependent and like where are you and why are you shooting for so long? For 13 minutes? No, no, no, I know, I know, I know. That's above and beyond, that's crazy. Unless you're like in the middle of watching something and have to pause it, then okay.

I know, I know. That's above and beyond. That's crazy. Unless you're like in the middle of watching something and have to pause it, then OK. Yeah, also, right, right, right. It wasn't an hour and 13 minutes. It was 13 minutes. Like how precious is every minute?

That's not that long. It's not that long. I don't know if that was just an example, but yeah, I don't know. It'd be like, yo, this is, I value this time. This is my time. You should say, I value't know. It'd be like, yo, this is I value this time. This is my time. You should say I value this time. Yeah. It would be okay if you wanted to be alone in a room for 30 minutes. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So she's straight.

She's got nothing to do with it, sweetheart. Yep. Just say that and then walk away. Yeah. Cool. All right. Next one. Astronaut. Astronaut. My name is Matt Black. I'm 22 from Australia. What's up, dude? I live in the sunny coast. I'm going to put this down. Now, I'm trying to make this short because my phone isn't allowing me to upload anything along within a minute. But I just wanted some advice on people who self-diagnose themselves.

As a person with autism and ADHD, I was diagnosed at a very young age. Yeah. I have struggled with a lot of like, um, uh, social stuff, like just social outings and stuff, but I've like got better over time. So, and I just don't like when people self-diagnose themselves. Like if you actually think you're that thing, go get diagnosed. But yeah, what are your thoughts on that? Thank you. Have a good day. It's so, I mean, I've talked about it. I've talked about this at length, but like, it's so annoying that people self-diagnose period. And if you want to get

diagnosed by, if you have autism or something, it's like cost money. You got to go to a doctor and like really it's a takes, it's a long test that you got to take. These people who are just like, I'm autistic. They're not doing that. They're, they're seeing it on Tik Tok and they go, I don't like when someone shuts the door loud. You know, I have, I have autism. So it's like, there's also a huge overlap between autism, ADHD,

but there are people on TikTok that are like, I have different, I have multiple personality disorder. My inner is this, my outer is this, my middle is this. And it's like, oh dude, you're like an abomination. Like you're bad human beings. Like people have these disorders. In this case, obviously he's done a great job of overcoming his stuff.

But like, that's not true for everybody. A lot of people have autism and they try to rip their own eyes out. Like don't fucking be an embarrassment of a human that you need to try to get attention by saying you have a thing that you might have But you don't know you have that would literally be like me walking around saying I got cancer cuz my fucking lung hurts Mm-hmm, and I got cancer and I got cancer. I just I got

Cancer dude, what I got stage four cancer everybody everybody like oh my god, you're dying I'm so sorry and I'd be like, yeah, I know. I have stage four cancer. I would be lying. Have you been tested? No. No, I haven't been tested. It hurts though. And everybody with stage four cancer,

in their lungs, they say it hurts right there. Oh, okay. Well, that means fucking jack shit. Yeah, dude. Get it tested. Fuck yeah. I get angry. There's a writer named Freddie DeBoer.

Not gonna bore everybody for too long. He's one of the best writers. Some of his takes are fucking bullshit, but he's a great writer. And when he's right, he's the best. And he has serious mental illness. Like, end up in a mental hospital thinking his ex-girlfriend, who he hasn't seen in eight years, is dipping glass shards into his drink to try to kill him. And like... He thinks this? Yeah, when he's not on his medicine. Oh. shards into his drink to try to kill him. And like- He thinks this?

Yeah, when he's not on his medicine. Oh. And he's like, dude, that mental illness is not like some like badge of honor. This is not some like beautiful thing to have. Well, people have to be a victim. It's a part of who you are, if you have it, and you live with it, but it doesn't like,

forcing it out in the world as this beautiful thing is a fucking lie and it hurts people who have these things badly. Amen. Because it makes them not seem like they have a problem and they do and when they get help, it's better for them. Yes. I feel you.

Amen, dude. That's so annoying when people do that. Fuck, fuck those people really That guy though writes about it better than anybody that I've ever seen so really read his shit What are you gonna do about it though? You know, you just be you you can't let the other people's it's so hard to not let other people affect you like that, but It's weird though. The commodification of identity these days is so odd Like how far are we gonna go with this shit dude? Like how when's it gonna end? Yeah

What the it's the identitarian thing is the slipperiest slope in the fucking world We've gone so far where we're like I have multiple personality disorder And now uh, i'm on tiktok and I make tons of money because I have a high engagement level Talking about some guy named Isaiah that I made up that I'm sometimes him at night at 6 p.m On Tuesdays like fuck you and by the way, it's Isaiah that's making that money. Not me. So it's I'm still poor Yeah, donate to my Venmo. Don't yeah exactly. It's it's just it's it's like fucking You can take oil salesman cash app Sarah. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy and it's a fucking stupid and I hate it all and You're doing great, dude, you got fucking authors of me ADHD. You're 22. You're killing it

You're looking like an astronaut about to pop into space. You're fucking that guy looks nothing like an astronaut No, his thing with the oh, yeah. I don't mean he looks like Neil Armstrong Yeah, he didn't he didn't look like no no he's young. All right next one Hey guys, I'm gonna try to get this quick. I think my last one was too long But I have sleep paralysis, which means oh no about three nights a week or so I will wake up at you know 2 a.m. or so and be paralyzed. I can open my eyes, I can see the room around me, I can see the TV show still playing,

whatever show was playing when I fell asleep. Like, I'm fully awake, I just can't move a muscle. Feels like I'm in a straight jacket that's been like vacuum sealed around me. I can't let the finger, I can't call out to my wife next to me. I'm just paralyzed and it lasts for a few minutes. And that alone is not too bad.

But what's come along with that and part of that process which you may or may not know is sleep paralysis is the hallucinations that you have that accompany that. While I'm paralyzed with my eyes open in my room, I will see like a dark figure in the corner walking towards me with glowing eyes. I'll see a hallucination of my wife at the foot of the bed like crying out about an intruder in the house or something or she's in trouble and I can't do anything. There'll be an old woman on my chest with her like black hair hanging around me, her face is like just blank skin. It's terrifying.

It's all the worst possible nightmare fuel times 10 and it feels like I'm living a horror movie out in my own bedroom while I'm awake multiple times a week, which sucks. Now, I know you can't fix that sleep disorder. It's not on you guys to have a solution for, but the problem I face is going back to sleep afterwards because I'm pretty shaken up and I don't think these demons are expecting a little spin move from me to Go back to bed. They still have by the way But yeah, what would you do if you were maybe after a bad dream awake in spiraling?

You know Chris if you had a dream about Kristen you're one of your kids and you are just awake and kind of shaken up. How do you reset and go back to bed? And calm yourself right now listen to your podcasts both you guys I will put in the lifeline luxury on my air pod once I can move again and reach for them and that's been helpful So thanks a lot for that content. There's a lot of ways that's helping people that you maybe don't know about so That's besides that solution. What do you recommend? I do you want to give me a little little audio blurb a a sweet nothing that I can listen to, you know, on this podcast when I'm awake there just freaked out to put me at ease, feel free. The advice would be

greatly appreciated. Thanks y'all. So I don't want to repeat myself because I've talked about exactly this on this show and my exact specific experience with sleep paralysis. I used to call it the scissors. Me and the producer, Chris here, have both had it. I've had it extensively. Police officers? What? Sleep paralysis? Well, you've had it?

Yeah, man. But we talked about this on the show. I used to see the figure with the big black hood. Really far out over its face and its face is in the shadow, and I'm in the same room I was when I fell asleep, except there's this fucking shadow that looked this fuck, with this big cloak on, and I can't see its face because its face is so far buried in the hood,

and it's got this fucking big stick it's holding, and it's like, and you even made that joke the first time we talked about it. Really? Okay, so there's this documentary called The Nightmare. By this guy named Rodney Asher, A-S-C-H-E-R, I think is his name. Rodney's the worst name. He made that movie, Room 237, about the Shining

and all the conspiracy theories about it. Rodney's worst. His follow-up was a movie called The Nightmare. The Nightmare is about sleep paralysis, and it's about how sleep paralysis has been with us for centuries. And it used to be expressed through art. There's all this old crazy art with those big cats sitting

on people's chests and people sleeping in dark figures in the corner of the room. It's like, it's a weird glitch in the human brain that some of us have. I've never heard of somebody having it three times a week. That's crazy. I'm so sorry for you, dude. Yeah, that sounds like fucking hell.

Watch The Nightmare, though, because the only thing I can say that helps me with shit like this is when I know for a verifiable fact that other people suffer in the exact same way from the exact same things, watch that movie. It just, you will see yourself in it to a degree that you won't even believe. Really? Yes.

Marco, you've had it? Yep. Man, I would say, I've never had it. But for me, I would probably do. I'd probably fucking spank it to oblivion afterwards. You got to get your mind clear off that shit to spank it to oblivion. Like genuinely, you go a hooded figure, a lady with no face and black hair over my. Are you kidding? Big cat sitting on me. Fuck this, dude, when I can move, I'm going to spank it to oblivion.

And then just... And you're like this. And then two minutes go by, still fat cats on you, just like this. Yeah, dude. Fuck man! Just wait till these... Wait till I can move. And then five minutes go by, hooded figure with a big cock over there jerking off. You go, can't even really see it.

I can't move my eyes. I know it's over there with the glowing eyes. And then finally you go, oh, thank gosh. The craziest person. I mean, that was hell. His wife's like honey shush No, you don't understand about the fat cats What's crazy?

And then anyway the craziest thing about it is that They're the same things The cat on the person the heavy Beast on the person just gave this guy a fat cat one by the way. He's gonna have a fat cat one now. The alien's at the foot of the bed, which is his wife, not aliens, but she has no face, so alien.

And then the other one is the hooded figure in the corner of the room, which is also what he said. Dude, what? It's three things. That's crazy, really? Yeah, dude. Isn't that weird? It's so weird.

If I had that, I guarantee you mine would be something fucking so annoying, dude. Isn't that weird? It's so weird. If I had that, I guarantee you, mine would be something fucking so annoying, dude, different than that. It's no, there's no other variations of it. Yeah, mine would be. The human brain is the world's greatest supercomputer and nothing will ever top it. I don't care what AI does.

There's no explaining what the fuck this is. It makes no sense. The moment AI can tell us what the fuck this is. It makes no sense. The moment AI can tell us what the fuck that's about is the moment we've reached the tipping point where AI is like, okay, it did something. You just said AI never will do that. I'm saying if it gets to that, then I'm in. Then I buy that it's better than a human brain.

But it's just like, there's no explaining it. Nobody understands it at all. And everybody has it the same shit. What? Yeah. Why is it those things? It's really weird. That is trippy, dude.

It's just beyond trippy. Yeah, that would be so weird. Mine would be like the guy who hosted Double Dare and I'd be in Double Dare. Mark Summers. Mark Summers. Mark Summers. Yeah. You got it for physical challenge.

All right, let's go. And I'm just like this. The difference is Mark Summers would be in your room. No! Standing over you. Here we go. We gotta get slimed. Come on, mom.

Sliming you. Come on, mom. Do the fucking... Dad, you're too slow at it. Oh, we're getting slimed. we're getting slimed we're getting slimed and then fucking wake up when I when I wake up and my see mark summers this isn't actually in my bedroom my whole family we're not all wearing red with two D's on the shirt I am gonna spank it to oblivion dude here we go back

after the messages what the fuck commercials oh shit the lights went different all right yes anyway, we'll come back. Oh, Mark's Armors, you're telling us about, all right, fine, yeah, that's cool. All right, uh-huh. You know, I'll get him back. I can go, oh, whew, fuck. Anyway.

You know? Someone's getting slimed, huh? Someone's getting slimed in real life too, huh? Sweetie. It's 3 AM. It's actually just on me. It doesn't shoot that far. God damn it.

But whatever. It's 3 AM. You ready for the physical challenge, sweetie? Cold. So cold for one second when you come. Here's your physical challenge, sweetie? Hep, burp. Cold, so cold for one second when you come. Here's your physical challenge, sweetheart. Hey, sweetie, a little earlier, I was having a sleep par excellence about Mark Summers.

And it doubled there, and you were in it. And you were fucking up the physical challenge. Chris, get off of me. Ha ha ha. Dude, you were so bad at the fucking physical challenge. It was unbelievable. And we were playing, you know who we were playing? The Robinsons, they live two down the street.

So fucking stupid. Are you jerking off? Yeah. Physical challenge? Anyway. A fart. Yeah, so that's so. I don't know, dude. For, so that's so. I don't know, dude.

It's for me, here's hope. It doesn't happen to me anymore. So maybe it'll go away. Bro, mine would be I was I wake up in a tennis match with John McEnroe and it would be 1989. It would be terrifying. And I would just be like this. You know know the fucking

That sounds better than mine I wake up dude, I'm gonna fuck it back into oblivion just wants to spank it to oblivion Spank it to oblivion, dude I'm at the old cave the defunct KB toy stores. I can't find the toy I want, dude. I can't wait to wake up and fucking Google to see if that toy still exists and then spank it to oblivion. Nobody's ever said those words in a row. All right, let's do another one. Yes. That's fucked up for that

guy though. Hello, Matthew. Hello, Christopher. This is a super long story, but I'm going to try my best to sum it up because I really, really, really need your help on this one. My wife and I have recently welcomed new neighbors. They're a young couple that seem very nice, very pleasant. My wife and I are both pranksters, we're super goofy, carefree, so we decided to play a,

what we thought was a harmless prank. All these neighbors, we went to the park and we bagged up a bunch of pine cones that we found on our walk and we brought the pine cones back. And then every single night for about a week and a half, we would throw one pine cone over the fence into the neighbor's backyard. The premise of this was to confuse them because there were no pine trees anywhere close to our neighborhood. There were hardly any trees at all. So we did this for about a week and a half.

And then one day our neighbor came over to our house. The wife came over to our house. It just so happened to be a day that I was not home. She knocked on the door and my wife answered. She asked my wife straight up if we were the ones throwing the pine cones. Now my wife said that when she asked this, she seemed irritated and upset.

So my wife, being the non-confrontational person she is, panicked and lied and said that we were not the ones throwing the pine cones and that it must be her neighbor on the other side of her. Good girl, do all. So this caused our neighbor to collect all the pine cones that we had thrown into her yard. And she started throwing the pine cones

into her other neighbor's yard. Oh, this is really funny. And this created a pine cone throwing battle between the two of them, where they were hurling pine cones back and forth for about a week straight. Look at Woody Allen. Literally hitting each other with the pine cones, throwing cones at the windows at each other's dogs it

became a complete mess fear thy neighbor type stuff the police had been called several times and then earlier today actually this is we heard them screaming at each other over their fence line making threats Threatening lawsuits even making death threats not gonna win the lawsuit So this is obviously escalated and continues to escalate into a serious problem that we started But no one knows and my wife and I are at a stalemate I think that we should just leave it alone, not say anything. Oh, you're a piece of shit.

Let whatever happens, happens. No, you gotta say something, bro. And she thinks that we should confess and say that we're the ones that started it. My question to you is what advice would you give? What would you do in a situation? This whole thing is so weird. And am I a bad person for not wanting to say anything?

No. Anything helps. Thank you very much. Hold on though. What I don't get is none of this is even remotely a problem. First of all, the fact that you even realize there's one pine cone in your backyard ever is astonishing.

Yeah, well. Okay? Astonishing. Okay, astonishing. Okay, then to get mad about it, or to think not, oh, some animal's coming over here and leaving this pine cone, but I'm gonna go knock on the neighbor's door. This is crazy, all right? I would never, but then to retaliate is bonkers.

Everyone in this situation is wrong. Okay. The prank, fine, whatever. You just would do a silly thing. Who cares? It didn't get received in the correct way. That's not really someone's fault. You thought you were trying to only really, I mean, this is really unfortunate.

But common cops were involved. If there's someone fault who it is, it's your wife's, which is so terrible. Yeah, right, right, right. But also. But that's understandable because she was put on the spot, she seemed so angry. And she was alone, you weren't home,

she might've been scared, totally makes sense. But that's why you have to initiate everyone's full understanding of the situation, including that your wife got scared and thought it would be funny. Then she realized when the other woman came over, she wasn't amused, she got scared, didn't feel comfortable admitting it. And now it's escalated into some like Shakespearean fucking drama like someone's gonna end up dead, you know the pine cone in their mouth the pine cone saga just like It it's hilarious. It is really funny. It's like from a Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, Coen Brothers utterly

nonsense in a way, I wanted to go on forever, but like I from a Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, Coen Brothers. Utterly nonsense. In a way, I want it to go on forever. But like, I would probably make it go on forever. You got to intervene. The cops, it's the cops. The cops? Well, it's so weird that they call the cops. Dogs are getting hit by pine cones.

I don't even understand. Like, just be like, hey. What if this is what causes World War III, not the Israel, what do you call it? Oh Israel and Gaza, Israel and everybody. Yeah just end it. You have the power. You go over there you go like oh yo hey guys look we did this thing we thought it was a prank to put one pine cone we didn't think it would matter. We thought, who cares? Obviously, I got upset about it. Fine. My wife was put on the spot.

She lied. This was kind of my thing. And I thought it was going to be fun. I thought it would actually make us be cool neighbors together. I guess I fucked up. I'm sorry. But you guys, you know what I mean? You called the cops?

You know what might be great? Y'all are insane? You know what might be great is if you tell... I have to go spank it to oblivion, okay? So are we cool here? Them that your wife didn't do it, that you did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife had nothing to do with it.

My wife didn't lie. She didn't know about it. I did it, okay? And now I have to go tell my wife that I did it because you guys called the cops on the shit, so now I'm gonna be in the dog house, dude. I wanna just spank it to oblivion, Do you understand and you guys are fucking me? Yeah And and like bring over a gift or something

Yeah something like over the neighborhood fruit a fruit bowl, you know fruit cake fruit cake for a bowl Fuckin put your bowl between your legs and turn around and show Yeah, that's really funny. Honestly, but yeah, funny, honestly. But how could that escalate? It just goes to show, man. Yeah. People are so irrational. I know. This shit, that shit escalates.

That's why they'll never find peace in Gaza. OK. And what a way to end the episode. Yep. So there you go. I'll be in St. Louis. I'll be in Indianapolis. I'll be in Houston.

I'll be in Irvine. I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama. Go to crystal.com. Get tickets. Thank you very much. Sign up for my Patreon. patreon.com slash matcha. It is $5 only until we premiere on Thursday, June 26. You wanna get in on that tier before it disappears.

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