Lifeline - 17. Matt Blacks Out

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. In today's episode, Matt shares a wild story from his flight home from Montreal, we have a boyfriend who's gotten way too into golf, story one-uppers (you know who you are), being propositioned as a "third" with a twist, writer's block tips, and the return of our favorite guy who wants confidence tips. 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Runk. Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only. If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or licensed professional. Hello? Hello? Please seek a therapist or a licensed professional. It was very cool that you had a dream last night.

It was very cool that you had a dream last night that your friends were in a house burning alive because they wanted to. And there was nothing you could do except scream and cry. Oh, that was me. Interesting, because I was about to correct you and say, actually, I had a dream where I was a part on both sides and different taking turns on reenacting genocides. So I would be both the killing party and the killed party and people would reenact them. But we realized each time anew that there were real bullets in the guns.

Like it was like a Civil War reenactment, but these were like not real genocides in the past, like future genocides that hadn't actually happened and we had to like act them out and then we would realize as as we were acting them out they were really killing us oh god and then it would reset and then i would be the killer and then it would reset again and i would be the the one and each time i would be surprised movie oops each time i would be surprised a tom cruise movie dude called the killing party called genocide in the future genocide so it's all good that we have super fucked up brain dude

mine was fucked up man i was just like no crying and somebody was just watching me cry while one of my friends chose to burn alive in a fucking house but they wanted to do it yeah i know but dude he was still screaming and stuff anyway dude it's sad we hate to start um nicholas cage we hate to start we hate to start uh on a somber uh downtrodden uh message but you got too many drinks man so uh how about this i gotta how have you been oh okay well that's cool how have i been well i went worst therapist dude you have too many drinks. Okay, well, I like to drink them all. Water, Perrier, Coca-Cola. Check it out.

Not something worth just checking out, dude. That's a Coke? I mean, a blind taste test. That's a Perrier. Butthead. The way you laughed. All right, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Speaking of blind taste tests, you just straight up look blind. Where I went this weekend was a place I like to call Montreal, which I love. I love Montreal. You like to call it that because it's Montreal. I love Montreal. First time I ever went there was with you. Why is that camera not blinking? It is blinking.

Okay, good. First time you went with me. And you know what you said once when we were there? You said, I will come to Montreal with you every single time you come. And you only went once. You didn't ask me. I went. I didn't.

I went. I went because I had some movies in a film festival up there. And was invited and paid for and yada, yada, yada. Bada bing, bada boom. Anyway, I was supposed to come back on Monday, but I had a bunch of work shit. So I had to change my flight to sunday the the group i was with i had to go alone okay i had to fly back alone okay now you know me okay you know by the way i've been telling chris all fucking these last few days i got this story for you i

can't wait to tell you but i'm not going to tell you until we start the fucking podcast so you don't know the story no and you keep talking about how crazy it is okay it's the craziest thing that's ever happened to me all me besides when I fell down an elevator shaft. What? Yeah. When did that happen? Butthead. In high school?

Was that in high school, Chris? Yes, but you weren't the person who fell down. Okay, great. Wow. So it wasn't you. So anyway, so this story is the number one craziest thing that's ever happened by far. Okay. Okay.

So- Since we just found out that the elevator thing happened to Chris. This is verifiable and I keep waiting for the fucking cops to call me. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. So I'm flying alone and you know me. How nervous am I to fly?

Zero. Right. Exactly. Zero percent nervous to fly. I to fly? Zero. Right, exactly. Zero percent nervous to fly. I fly a lot. I never get nervous. I'm just like, whatever, we take off. I fucking fall asleep before and I don't even notice we took off.

For whatever reason, I get there to flight fucking early because they're like, get there early, get there early, get there early because customs takes so long. Custom takes me 12 minutes. It never takes long, dude. There's like one every 20 times. But the fest people were like warning me, me warning me right so i'm like okay i guess i gotta fuck anyway i get there and like i got either three hours early wow and i'm just waiting waiting fucking waiting waiting waiting waiting so dead and finally we get on the plane

then we're waiting on the plane yeah and the time's going going going i got a buddy picking me up on the other end i'm like i don't know i'm just getting like antsy and i'm i'm just realizing the limited space around me i'm in an exit row but it's not enough space okay and uh i'm just like i'm like my knees tapping and i'm noticing myself getting more and more anxious wow and i'm just like all right at least if we just take off it'll be on your way exactly so five minutes 10 minutes 20 minutes past finally we take off like 30 40 minutes after we were supposed to we're in the air and i'm good yeah i fall asleep i wake up and i'm like oh fuck yeah i bet we're almost we're almost back in la i look at the flight map thing okay and it's and it's three hours and 11 minutes left.

Okay. So we're not even close. Well, you fell asleep for fucking four hours. Two hours. Okay, two hours. Two and a half hours, right? So a little less than halfway. Okay.

So I... He's laughing already. I'm looking at 311. Okay. And we've talked a little bit about anxiety attacks that we've had and the first one i ever had i overheard this couple talking about jerry o'connell and then i started thinking about jerry o'connell and how weird it is that he's so famous and then my mind my mind just spun out and then 90 seconds later i'm like i can't see my heart's beating for real

yeah joe's apartment was a good one you're gonna give to give me one. And I fucking, so that's the context. That's my first anxiety attack. I've had like two or three total, but they're always in restaurants or weirdly lowly lit places. Like one time I had one in the stadium at night. It's the way the light affects me and sometimes the way my mind spins out unspools in an unforeseen way, right? Okay.

So 3.11. But you don't pass out. No, I don't pass out. Okay,'t okay okay so it's 311 and i'm thinking about uh it's i got 3 hours and 11 minutes that sucks i'm starting to realize this tight space again everybody's asleep it's like a night flight oh and then i think about oh yeah there's that band 311 and then i think about oh i remember when that band 311 was popular everybody said it was a white supremacist band because 311 3k is kkk and then i'm thinking about the kkk and then i'm just like whoops you know my brain sure is now

falling out of my skull and i'm just like fucking ah and i get like a million fucking thoughts flying through my head all uncontained and unthought through okay and then i'm like well at least a lot of time just passed and i look at the flight map and there's three hours and 11 minutes left okay so like i'm losing my perception of fucking time yeah and i'm just like but inside right i'm not freaking out on the outside i'm freaking out the inside because i'm a good person i don't want to scare these people on the plane yeah so i i'm actually like uh-oh this is gonna be an anxiety oh fuck and usually i have like you know whatever fucking xanax something around yeah somebody with something even though i don't usually have those sure so i'm like somebody on the plane has to have

one maybe even if i ask the flight yeah yeah so i so i go to the back and i tell this flight attendant look okay uh uh i'm i'm really sorry i'm not gonna cause a scene i don't want to scare you or anybody else but like like, I know myself. I've had a couple of these before in my life. I'm on the precipice of having an anxiety attack. And I don't know what to do. I don't have any medication with me. Yeah.

Okay. So she's really, really nice. Okay. And she says, okay, well, let me see what I can do. And it seems like she's going to fucking figure something out, right? Yeah. So she goes to the front, to the head of the flight crew. And her and one of the head of the flight crew and and her and and one

of the head of the flight crew comes back two women now okay they both come back and she's talking to me about what she can do is there anything and she's like well you know maybe if you just talk to me and i'm like haha thanks but like i know what i fucking need right you know so so she's like okay okay you're not you're not telling her what you might need i am i'm like it would really help me if somebody had some kind of Valium or Xanax or anything like that. You know they can't do that though, right? Okay.

So she's like, okay, okay. And she's coming up with suggestions that like suck, but she's being so nice. Yeah. She's clearly never had an anxiety attack. Right. She's like, what if we do a play? Right. And I'm just, she's like, you can pace around here in the galley.

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck but thanks you know what i mean right but i'm like being nice but like short you know i'm just like thanks but you know i actually know what this is you know right right and uh and i know you in these situations and so i'm like okay she's like well what we could do if you think it's worth it we could call see if there's a doctor on the plane see if he can talk to you, right? He or she can talk to you, right? Okay. And I'm like, normally, you know me. I would never do that, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like, my heart's about to pop out of my chest, right? So you're really going through it. Yeah, dude. And so I'm like, okay, okay, okay. And they're like, okay, great. Wow. They're being so nice.

Okay? Wow. So they call for a fucking doctor. This guy comes to the back of the plane. And he's like, what's going on? And everybody's got a mask on except me. And they're like, it's okay. You don't need a mask on.

I think it might've contributed. But I wasn't being like a fucking shitty MAGA guy. Like, I don't wear this shit. I was just like, I think this might- It might've contributed to what? My anxiety. Because I'm feeling like contained. You know what I mean?

Okay. I don't know. So you're saying, so you took it off. They let me take it off. Got it. Right. Because it's Air Canada flying from Canada. Yeah.

Legally, they have to wear it the whole flight. Got it. Which sucks. And so the doctor is just as fucking cool, just as great. And he's like, so it turns out he's a neurosurgeon at Cedars. Whoa. Okay. So he's like, my son has this exact same thing.

Happens all the time time you guys have a first aid kit right they're like yes and he's like you guys have valium and xanax and ativan in there right and and she's like yes and i'm like yes right why didn't you say that dude well because she needs a doctor clearance right exactly so he's like get it out and he even now he's like just give it to him yeah he's got to sign all these papers. He's being so fucking great. He's like my absolute hero. Yeah, cool. Okay.

So he fucking, he hooks me up and he's like, he'll need two, but give him one. And if he's not feeling a lot better in 20 minutes, give him the next one. Right? Okay. I take one, feel a little bit better. Okay, good. Yeah. Good.

Doing his job. 20 minutes later, I'm like, I'm still like, my heart's still racing. It will be better. I've taken this drug many times. Yes. Right. I've been prescribed it. And by doctors. 20 minutes later, I'm like, I'm still like, my heart's still racing. It will be better. I've taken this drug many times. I've been prescribed it by doctors. At a van? Yes, exactly. And he's like, okay, well, she comes by and she's like, the head of the flight team, would

you like that other one? I can see you seem a little bit still maybe nervous. And I was like, that would be amazing. Thank you so much. She brings me another one. Okay. Now I'm like, okay, well, the edge is going to go. Now here's where the story turns.

Oh my God. The woman in the row in front of me turns around and says, hi, so nice. Hi, I heard you were having an anxiety attack. I get them all the time. Would you like some of my medicine? She doesn't know at all that I've gotten medicine from the flight people already. Okay. Which is already a lot. It's not like like i'm gonna go fucking passing out or anything right

right but it's a big dose two milligrams of adivan is a lot that's yeah okay um so but me being me and not you yeah i immediately say yes before she can even stop asking finish asking the question wow she gives me a pill that i've never seen before and you already had the second one i know right before this right before it she so you should have waited for it to say oh yeah okay oh yeah all right so i should have waited i shouldn't even have taken it right so she hands me the pill and in one motion her hands comes out my hand goes out gets it and just fucking takes the pill right you even asked what it was no dude i just it was just so stupid all right okay okay so uh i take it mom and dad sorry i know you're listening to this you're so freaking out right now that's crazy i won't do it again i promise uh next thing i know dude

i'm coming to standing above different people on the plane, in the middle of conversations, and all of them are looking at me like this. And only I can see their eyes. They're all like this. And they're? They're scared. Where are you? Really confused. I'm in the aisle standing over them. And every time I come to, I realize I'm scaring this person. I don't know how I got here. I don't know what I'm saying. Okay.

I don't know what I'm saying okay i don't know what i'm saying okay okay hold on hold on okay they're where are they they're just in their standing being good people regular good calm okay collected good citizens okay okay and i'm these are passengers passengers okay and i'm standing over them okay looking. Looking down at them. Probably really scary without a mask on. Right. Saying things that I don't even know what they are because I don't know what I'm doing because I'm not there. Yeah.

Okay. So I wake up when I'm realizing I'm upsetting someone only. What? This happens at least four times. One time, dude. Two of them I remember distinctly okay one time a guy is pushing me off of him and i come to because he's physically pushing me and i'm like i'm being pushed by a guy who i don't know who it is and i don't know what I'm talking to him about. But then when I come to, I'm just me again. So I'm like, dude, I'm so sorry.

I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I don't even know what I said to you. I don't know what I said to you. Whatever I fucking said to you, I don't know what it was and I'm sorry, okay? The next one that I remember, I'm standing above this poor middle-aged woman. I'm sure a very nice sweet

person she looks fucking terrified and all i know is that i come to wake up let's say saying remember that you you don't remember that okay you don't remember that and she's just like like so scared you know what i mean and i feel so bad because i'm the one scaring this person and i don't even know how i did it right right okay so then finally i'm back in my fucking seat and the guy next to me actually i mean everyone on this plane was so nice the guy next to me was so nice i guess i gave him uh my my email address at some point right oh my god okay so he emails me just to see how i'm doing like the next day oh okay? So you get off the plane, everything's okay? Yeah.

Dude, I find a guy picking me up. The next day he was like, you were fucked up. What the fuck? You know, what happened to you last night? And I was like, I told you. He's like, I know, but dude, what the fuck? Well, I dropped you off at a 7-Eleven. I picked you up and took you to 7-Eleven.

You came out, everyone in the 7-Eleven was like dying laughing. What? At you. I was like, I don't remember that even a little bit. Right? So the guy who i was sitting next to him and his wife they were coming back from italy he's like he emails me just to see how i am okay right and i'm like oh dude i'm fucking great like i feel great thanks for

checking in how you doing like i remember you're a really nice guy yeah but i know what's up yeah yeah i mean i know why he's checking out your worst yeah and so i fucking i'm like hey do you know what i was doing right and he was like yeah like yeah kind of everybody knew right oh my god and like uh i was like did i like do anything really bad yeah yeah and he was like actually no it was just like you were being like really weird and i was like what was i doing and he's like well i don't know because i didn't hear all of it and no one did but you at the one point the woman, the woman that I was like, do you remember that? Do you remember that?

Do you remember that? He was like, you were asking if she remembered the band Pearl Jam. And if she remembered the song Daughter. And when she wasn't responding, you started singing it to her. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, my God, dude.

Thank God I wasn't there. Thank God no one I know was there. Don't call me not friend town. Dude, on a plane to a stranger with no mask on looking up at me fucking terrified. So what? No picture can well remind me. to a stranger with no mask on looking up at me fucking terrified so what no picture just like scaring everybody dude what did the flight attendants do nothing dude they let me run free because i wasn't like really doing anything i guess i mean that's kind of harassment it is harassment dude and i fucking feel bad i feel bad i mean i feel terrible dude okay okay

so hold on so all right so holy shit dude and you don't but that's crazy that that you can be standing up doing stuff and you don't even you're not even aware and i'll tell you the craziest part is that when i would snap into it yeah i was just me again and i remember all of that right so so the fourth time it happened were you like fuck another one of these things again because you knew it was happening yes dude it was like what the fuck like sit in my chair motherfucker oh wow dude like i'm two people dr jekyll and mr high two people dude dr jekyll and mr matt and the moral of the story is i'm two people oh Oh, man. Yeah. That is crazy, dude. Do you remember

Pearl Jam? I'm like the Chris Farley show, you know? Like I'm interviewing Eddie Vedder on the Chris Farley show. Boong! The lady, and then you walk up. Hey, do you remember Pearl Jam? Do you remember daughter? I don't know. Don't call me daughter. Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Well, that was probably the scariest part to them where i just turn into somebody else yeah yeah yeah whoa dude i wonder what that pill was dude it was bigger than an adivan and blue as the matrix you were in the matrix dude maybe the blue pill maybe i was they got they didn't give you the red pill then you really would have been yeah dude then i wouldn't i wouldn't even fucking be here yeah oh my god well that what's your advice is don't take medication that isn't that yeah dude that that was it oh wow so she gave you xanax don't take xanax and ativan together i guess don't take a lot of ativan and a lot of xanax together who knew what what is the dosage on that so what's the size of the pill like what's the milligrams on that one anyway it, it was a lot.

Well, the advice if someone called in for that would be don't mix medications if the doctor doesn't tell you to. Yeah. He didn't prescribe that. Oh, why did you take it? Wait, what's the 605? What's that one? That's Alprazolam, is that it? Yeah.

Alprazolam. Alprazolam is Xanax, yeah. Weird Alprazolam. Alprazolam is Xanax, yeah. Weird Alprazolam? That was Weird alprazolam is xanax yeah weird alprazolam alprazolam is xanax yeah weird alprazolam that that that was weird alprazolam when i took that that was me dude weird alprazolam that that's the pill that's it i gave a fucking big ass xanax after the two big out event oh you took alprazolam i mean i i've taken alprazolam but but i wonder what the dosage was. She probably gave you a fucking Zanny bar, dude. Yeah, I definitely took the whole thing.

I didn't break anything. Just, phew. It was probably two whatever the fucks. Yeah, two milligrams? Yeah. Because I do like a 0.25 and I go to Zanny Island. If I take half of a milligram of Xanax, I'm like fucking chill. If you take a 0.5, you go to Zanny Island for a post-up for a few fucking days.

You know what I mean? Yeah, and if you take a whole milligram. But if you fucking take two, you just. You go to Zanny Planet. You cross country. Yeah, right. Cross country Xanax. Boy, all right, cool.

All right, well, let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, sorry. I just had to tell a fucking story. That's an amazing story. It's the craziest thing that's ever happened to me. Really? Because I don't remember things I was doing that were definitely scaring people.

And I don't like that. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? jesus christ thank god you're not famous all right thank god it was a dark flight and everybody was asleep i'd be on fucking reddit by now for sure oh yeah right yeah people would be like that's matt d'alia yeah yeah we get bigger ratings which would have been good actually that's well that is yeah that's the craziest thing that's ever happened definitely all right uh well before we get into it we were going to do this but uh i got um dates coming up i will be in grand prairie texas dallas uh august 26th wichita kansas august 27th atlanta georgia september 9th in washington dc september 10th stockton and oakland i have a bunch of dates go to chrislea.com cheyenne wyoming denver colorado boston massachusetts albany i have a bunch of dates go check it out uh chrislea.com get get your tickets

it's uh you know they're selling so uh thanks uh all right let's do it yeah let's see who it is it's a that's the the That's the dead guy. It wasn't the lead. The dead guy. He survived. It's the paraplegic, man. I haven't shaved, so that's probably the first thing you're going to say. And the first thing most girls say is, like, you like good hygiene. I mean, okay. I think... Died. To add to one of the problems of...

I mean, this guy is... Wait, hold on. Stop it. He's always dying. He stopped in the middle. He started in the middle of the problems of I mean this guy is, wait hold on stop it this guy stopped in the middle he started in the middle of the video why did you not pause it, just pause it, you don't have to start

it again, wow dude and then he died, Chris stays fucking it up, yes dude play it again from the beginning if that was any lower his eyes would be covered just a paraplegic man the guy from Fat Albert that's probably the first thing you're gonna say If that was any lower, his eyes would be covered. Mr. Paraplegic, man. The guy from Fat Albert.

That's probably the first thing you're going to say. And the first thing most girls say is you like good hygiene. I mean... Died. Died. This guy dies. You know what happens? Pause it. He goes back in time. And he

experiences a whole year and then comes back. Or, you know what I mean? Like, goes to the future, experiences a whole year, and then fixes the world and then comes back. That's what happens. Like, we would have all died. An asteroid would have hit us and killed us. But he saved our lives right there.

Go back. Go back and see how he saved our lives. Right here. Watch when he saved planet Earth. I can't go back. Well, that how he saved our lives what right here watch when he saved planet earth well that just started again planet planet look this is when he saved the planet okay from extinction hey what's up delis it's the paraplegic man i haven't shaved so it's probably uh the first thing you're gonna say and this first thing most girls say is you like good hygiene. Save the planet.

Save humanity. One of the problems of why I had to ask for advice is because I'm short. You couldn't see that, so you probably have to answer for that. Save humanity. Should we just go for taller women? answer for that. I'm thinking maybe should we just go for taller

women or I mean, you look shorter than your wife or is Matt taller than yours? I don't know. If that's the issue. I look shorter than my wife? Yeah, you look shorter than Kristen. Hopefully it's just not my hygiene. I know that for a fact.

I don't know. Should I go to bars? I don't like bars i don't really like drinking save humanity let me know saved humanity three times we would have been extinct all right all right so it turns out that he's short okay okay that's it first of all how short second of all i don't look shorter than christian i don't know dude this guy's got a couple things going on but uh dude you're fucking handsome and you're so confident you fall asleep in the middle of questions dude you're like matt you fall asleep and wake up and then you're standing above somebody singing pearl jam dude um you and him are basically marvel avengers you know right yeah the worst the two ones that didn't make it yeah well he's saving the world and you're just kind of singing pro singing karaoke to people on planes

yep um yeah don't do i go to bars is what he's saying dude i always think that meeting if you're gonna try to meet a significant other going to bars is the worst thing yeah like you do the people who are at bars are not looking to i mean pretty much they might be but no no but but but you're at a bar dude you go there to get drunk you know what i mean i mean i yeah i agree yeah so it's like you're looking for the people who are trying to do something to something reckless do you know what i'm saying i mean i think i think some people are speaking generally trying to fuck if he's just trying to fuck i guess go to a bar but i think he's trying to find a girlfriend, right? That's what guys go to bars for. Women don't go to bars to fuck.

They don't. Maybe not as much. Generally speaking, generally. Maybe not as much. Yeah, no, they go to hang out with the girls. Have a night out and then they come home and do a Ouija board or some shit. I'm just trying to say he seems like he's looking for a relationship and don't go to a fucking bar for that.

Just be a guy in the world who is as confident as you are. You're fucking so confident, you're falling asleep in the middle of questions. Even though you're short. It obviously doesn't matter that you're short. You fucking have confidence. That's all that matters, dude. And I don't mean like boastful fucking assholery. Just like being a person on earth who's comfortable with who you are.

That's all. And you clearly are. You're falling asleep in the middle of between words all the time. He's saying it so much. Yeah. But also, maybe be more engaged. Sit up. Sit up.

When you're talking to people you know talk a little faster don't maybe don't fall asleep in the middle of sentences yeah maybe this guy this is this guy yeah man i'm just thinking you know nice meeting you at this bar you know maybe we just hang out maybe we hang out sorry i was so what had happened was in 40 years she's just walking away already in 40 years humanity is at a standstill i had to go fix uh basically the all the sperm count scientifically i had to go fix the sperm count in men because it was dying and it was at the crux of the situation where we was all going to be extinct anyway what do you want to drink join my friends what's that i'm gonna go join my friends thank you i mean yeah the fucking guy's

just he's sitting right it's right in front of him dude you're a confident guy be be that and talk to women and don't be a creep that's so simple just those those things all right you're good all right and yeah if he's asking about hygiene and be clean too yeah be clean but no but there's a little bit of beard is always good though yeah girls say that because they don't know what else to say this isn't like bad hygiene i know people are always like oh chris leah you look like you don't shower bro i shower oh yeah how about this i shower more than you dude yeah maybe i do i shower at least once a day at least at least i never go a day without showering ever ever ever i do what i went one day without showering in the past however many years and it was when i got my nose surgery jesus hey dude

oh you're all right you're fucking having a stroke over there all right dude next one what's up, fellas? Got a question I could use your help on. I'm 28. The last six years since I graduated college, I've been saving up for a down payment on a house. I'm finally able to do so. And what should be an extremely exciting time for me is kind of being clouded by a girlfriend who I've been living with the last two years.

Pretty much said that she's not going to move into a house or even be with me if I buy a house without her on the mortgage. Personally, I don't believe I should be on a mortgage with someone I'm not married to. I'm just not ready for that at this time. And she's also looking at my bank account saying if I buy a house, I won't have enough money for a ring, which the Brinks headquarters is in my backyard. Right. Just so you know. Question, do I proceed with buying the house? And if so, how do I break it to her that it doesn't matter?

I'm going through with this shit. That's so sexy the way you just said that. That guy's a sexy guy. That's what she wants you to say. Buy the house, bro. This is crazy. That doesn't sound like a fair deal. I don't know why.

Am I missing something? Yeah, no. She's being not. If what he's saying is true, which I'll assume that. Right. Don't buy a house. You won't have enough to get a ring. Oh, he said a ring? That's what is true, which I'll assume that. Right. Don't buy a house. You won't have enough to get a ring. Oh, he said a ring?

That's what he said, right? Oh, dude. Wow. And then he said, I don't want to, you shouldn't buy a house unless I'm on a mortgage. Dude, those are two. Oh, those flags are burgundy, dude. Like you got to, you got to make sure to just, this is is like these are two red flags that's not good dude she says she doesn't want to move in the house with unless she's on if she's not on the

mortgage say great thank you and just buy the house and move in yeah i'm gonna get a house i'm gonna move in you're welcome to come with me yeah you're welcome to come with me but this is not happening we get married i could put you on the fucking shit i could put you on the deed or whatever it is right but like like let's let's work towards this together i'm with you we're not on different teams we're on the same team we want the same goal but right now you're fucking you're jumping when we should be hopping right yeah this is a red flag dude these flags be burgundy as shit man wow it's that time of the month for these flags dude why is uh these flags are fucking need a tampon right right up soaking next to him

dude wow are you kidding me man just didn't let the metaphor sit there had to explain it in bloody detail like i'm saying the flag would be inside of these flags are inside between you know the of the women and it's that time of the month okay okay so i don't think that's a very good sounding relationship though to to robot to further to further my advice i don't think that's a very good sounding relationship though to- Robot! To further my advice. I don't think that's a very good sounding relationship. I don't think that's a very good sounding relationship. I mean, right?

It sounds bad. Yeah. And I could tell by the kind of guy you are and the face you have, the kind of relationships that you get into. And I know what's going on bro okay why don't you tell him no because honestly that's for me and him to be on that wavelength and understand it you know what's going on bro you know what to do okay you're being a little bit of a fucking guy that's like what do i do but you know what to do and that's why she liked you

in the first place and that's what works for the relationship or get to step in and that's that dude okay all right there we have it next one okay so much headroom hey guys dynasty chris i watched you play ready for now i know we just said guys with beards don't necessarily have bad hygiene this is not an example of that we don't know that though he maybe showers every day let's just look at the surroundings we look at everything you're judging we are judging you that's what we do best go i don't judge you all right we'll go here we go too much also matt you're hilarious and i'm a huge fan hey i mean i'm here but guys guess what what's up my baby gets to come home soon three months in the the hospital. Oh, no. My wife is still up there.

Hour and a half away, driving back and forth. Hell yeah, though. And he finally gets to come home. Aw. So pumped. That's dope. Yes, dude! Wow.

That's Christmas-y. But I want to surprise my mom and dad. Uh-huh. He's named after my dad. Okay. Clinton. So we call him Little Clint. Cute.

What's the best way to surprise my mom and dad? Because they don't know he's coming home soon. They know he's coming home someday. Right. But what's the best way to surprise them? Guys, I love y'all. Super anxious. I've filmed this 40 times. Aw.

Thank you. We love you, dude. Guy couldn't be sweeter, man. Congratulations on the kid. I take back that hygiene shit. He seems clean as shit. I bad i fucked up dude we judge and we live and we learn right we live and learn and maybe he's not part of duck dynasty but if that guy hasn't shot a duck i would be fucking absolutely shot he's probably i don't judge but he's shot a duck he shot a duck and so um look um i i i think that this is one of those things that is so beautiful and so amazing that you don't necessarily want to do a thing and have it overshadow how beautiful the moment is. I think the surprise is just the fact that it's happening. Surprising them is fine, but have them show up and be like, guys, I have a surprise for you.

The baby's here like i don't think that there needs to be some sort of what's the best way to surprise them because the surprise is a surprise within itself and it's already the most beautiful thing in the world i agree about the baby the name could be a cool surprise you could when when he doesn't know the name right oh when you surprise them with the kid that's that's good but then take the baby's shirt off and have it say Clinton and a tattoo on his chest. No, you shouldn't tattoo anyone that was just born with Clinton on his chest. No. Like across the chest.

Oh, man. That's emotional, actually. Not the tattoo thing. But just be like Clinton meet Clinton Jr. That would be really sweet. That would be really, really sweet. You know what I'm talking about? Clinton's a cool name, actually. I like that. Meet Clinton meet Clinton jr. That would be really sweet. That would be really, really sweet. Clinton's a cool name.

Actually. Clinton meet Clinton first name. Uh, but yeah, I don't know. I mean, I agree with you actually. You don't want to like get caught up. Plus you want to enjoy it.

You don't want to get caught up in like the surprise has to be great. Like the surprise is the, the thing is the thing already. It's already the best thing. Exactly. Um, yeah. Don't overshadow it.

Something small and cute if you really want to do exactly um yeah don't overshadow something small and cute if you really want to do something but don't make it a whole thing yeah yeah okay cool hey chris hey matt i'm a huge fan of the show um just a huge fan in general i will be in jacksonville in december so i look forward to seeing chris then uh but my question today is about my boyfriend and golf. So genuinely greatest boyfriend in the world. I know everyone says that, but he is incredible. I don't really have any complaints other than he's recently been playing golf like more and more over the past year or so to the point where it's like three, four times a week.

And sometimes he'll go at like 4 p.m. It doesn't get home till like 9 p.m., which kind of interferes with our chill time. I'll like leave town on the weekend to go golf in other places. I just feel like he's starting to put it before me in certain ways. I'm happy he's passionate about it, but I just kind of wanted to get your opinion. If you feel like I should say something before it gets to the point

where it starts to interfere with our relationship, just want your general take on guys who are super obsessed with golf. So yeah, just want your opinion. Thanks for letting me come on the show. He's cheap. Is that what we call it, golf? I mean, all guys thought just the same.

Any guy listening to that was like, oh, shit. Dude, so as he leaves town for the weekend uh and goes to cabo and fucking sometimes the golf courses smell like perfume and sometimes back smelling like a lot of perfume yeah perfume uh i think they golf he said it was oh they golf all you should do is say he's not cheap we're joking yeah all you should do is say hey babe i love to see you golf every time you go send me a picture of you on the golf course because you think that then you can erase cheating oh i don't think he's cheating yeah i mean if he's cheating he's a fucking idiot from saying he's always golfing right yeah i mean it's so easy to fucking find he just gets dressed

up and fucking clackety clack clack clack-clack out the house and then just. I think. Runk-da-da-na-na-na-na. Runk-clackety-clackety-clackety with the fucking. You know what I mean? Oh, oh, oh, oh. About to finish. Four. Runk-da-da-na-na.

I mean, if the question is should you say something, definitely. That is so much fucking golfing. That is an obscene amount of golfing. The guy can't stop golfing. Cannot obscene amount of golfing that's the guy's the guy can't stop golfing cannot stop going to the golf course three or four times a week goes away on the weekends to go golfing yeah 4 p.m to 9 p.m that is too much to do anything thing is weird oh it does stay light it does stay light till later especially if you're in the south but it's too much to do anything though it's too much time doing anything besides work you know what does he do is he hey is he a

golfer what the fuck what is she's like by the way my boyfriend is fucking tiger woods phil mickelson by the way my boyfriend is that fucking guy with the weird haircut who's super fat and fucking huge mac guy oh john daly nicholas nickel nickel john daly oh no john daly yeah um yeah uh i mean dude just be like why do you fucking golf so much how about that man take it back to the fucking old school dude you want you want to go back to the 90s with this dude and be like hey by the way why the fuck do you golf so much what are you running from dude what are you running from that maybe is a little too confrontational get to work base it but when you do bring it up don't be like don't do what he's saying at all don't be like why

do you like to golf be like i'm kind of missing you and i think maybe we could cut back a little bit so we kind of split it a bit more because i think you're homeless and less and i i would like to have time with us quality time in our relationship that isn't necessarily like rushed because you gotta fucking go out to play golf waking up at fucking 1 a.m and i gotta go golf yeah going to golf babe it's nighttime can't stop golfing dude uh it's so funny to think like what if he is cheating and he's just is so disrespectful that he won't think of even another lie. He's just like golf. Where were you? Golf. Showing up in not golf clothes. I was golfing.

So wants to get caught. Yeah. That's just too much golf. That's too much anything, honestly. If he was hanging out with you that much, that'd be annoying. That's what I'm saying. It's too much of anything. Maybe he's an addict.

He's got that kind of personality. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it'll burn out soon, bring it at least bring it up but but honestly when you do don't make it sound like a judgment about on him about how he likes to golf make it about you and how you're either missing him or thinking maybe you should spend more time together i don't know i think you should be judgmental you should be like got what cooking you should be like golf huh a lot lately and then he says yeah what and she'd be like i just i don't know i wouldn't do that if it were me well she's not gonna get what she wants if she does not be passive-aggressive all right next holding her head on hey guys love

your show love your energy holding her head laugh um here's my question for you so i have a person in my life who anytime i share a story with them about something that happened to me that week or it doesn't matter in the past their response to my story is to share with me yeah a very detailed one-up story oh dude better than my story and i didn't notice it at first but once i started to notice that she was doing this all the time um i would just kind of like busy myself her boyfriend just left around me to try to give her some social clues like hey shut up i don't care it's not that i don't ever want to hear a story from her. It's just that she does this every single time. Well, I started noticing that she does this to other people. And their responses are very similar to mine,

where you can just tell that they immediately become disinterested. Of course. It's a terrible quality. And kind of are thinking the same thing. Like, hey, shut up. So my question to you is, I'm not sure whether this habit of theirs is born out of like some narcissism or the opposite end of the spectrum just insecurity should i say something to them

and just like hey do you realize that you do this and stop doing it thanks Thanks, guys. Okay, the first thing is she thinks that's how you have conversations. She's not trying to one-up you. No, I don't think... She thinks that's how you're supposed to talk. She's just wrong. But even though, even if you're not right, which you definitely could be,

I think that you shouldn't... that you should err on the side of she's not doing it to try and fucking one up well she's definitely not yeah okay yeah yeah no definitely not that but i honestly think that when people do something that people that makes people uncomfortable like that they're they're it's it it is probably rooted in some kind of insecurity but it actually is how they think a conversation is supposed to go they think they're doing it right yeah not that they're insecure and sort of panicking

and coming up with something just to say it. But I think it's still worth bringing up and you can ask, I don't think you should say stop doing that, but you can ask why she does it. You could do that or you could fucking do the exact opposite, which is make your stories crazier and crazier

so she can't fucking match your stories. Tell her, yeah, well, dude, it was crazy. I robbed two banks one summer. What do you got to say to that, dude? make your stories crazier and crazier so she can't fucking match your stories tell her a fucking yeah well dude it was crazy i robbed two banks one summer what do you gotta say to that dude and she won't be able to match you and then she'll realize the error of her ways hey i jumped out of a plane twice once with a parachute on and the other one i found a guy falling through the sky with a parachute on and i grabbed him and we both parachuted down what do you got to say to that she'll realize the error in her ways and then she'll probably stop doing it yeah or you could just ask her why she does it yeah either one is equal um i just you know people like this are so annoying i like it's like you know a lot of comics do it but it's like let the joke i live in this

world where i'll do it and then people like i like to let people's jokes kind of breathe you know they get the laugh like somebody says some shit and before i tag it up and give it a fucking one two you know what i mean put that joke on the fucking speed bag do you know what i'm talking about before i start fucking dang it dang it dang it dang it dang it dang it with the joke that's out there fucking drying in the air before i do that i'll let it hang okay and then i'll fucking put it on the speed bag and dang it dang it it up right and i respect if somebody lets me do that with my joke too if i do a joke and then they fucking come in like joe coy and just oh yeah and also this and fucking don't let my joke be carefree and fancy out there for a little

bit it's annoying as shit dude stop doing that joe coy do you understand what i'm saying okay sounds like you got a little bit of a deeper issue it's just he would always do it when we hang out and shit and it's annoying okay so yeah that's annoying and you are right to be annoyed by that but i think uh know that she's not trying to compete or when i probably think that's how conversations actually go give her the benefit of the doubt but feel free to ask her why she does it however try not to be like stop doing that i hate when you do that anything like that uh you're more likely to get the result you want if you just ask her and sort of probe and she'll probably get the idea right okay cool next okay can't believe you hey chris matt love the show i need some quick advice

so i got a message from my ex's brother's wife um they want to do an open relationship um she said she's interested in me but it's a weird because i know her family i know that they have kids uh it's a new thing for them and i don't really want to be the guinea pig, but dude, she's so fucking hot. Okay. And I've thought about her before. He let that dude come out right there. You see a hot woman, you think about it,

and Dick says yes, Brain says no. Who's Dick? So what do I do? Thanks, guys. Hi, I'm Dick, yes. So I'm sorry. I need time to process guys. Hi, I'm Dick. Yes. So I'm sorry. I need time to process that. Ex's brother's wife.

Yeah. Ex's brother. Wants to bring this guy into the bedroom. So basically his former brother-in-law almost. Not even though they weren't married. Not really. His wife. Ex's brother, but not ex-wife.

Right, right, right, right, right. Okay. Okay. And they want to have an open relationship and the brothers, assuming he's okay okay um okay and they want to have an open relationship and and the brothers assuming he's okay with it too they agreed to have an open relationship yeah and they want to use this guy i mean fuck her what do you do it yeah well i don't understand i mean well i mean it depends on how close he is with his ex if it's if it's a fucking ex of three weeks it's horrible idea oh yeah if it's an x of five years i assumed it was

a long time if you're not in the person's life then yeah i assume it was a long time yeah you're right i mean it's definitely gonna make her feel a certain type of way if you don't give a shit and if it's been six years then okay i don't think it matters that much but if you guys just broke up and you like literally like if she was like if you were like it's over hey what's up chris and matt like if you did it like that right yeah then you're gonna fucking you doing this is definitely gonna make your life more stressful than it is i'll say that so in that respect it better be very boner inducing do you know what i mean but let's assume like most people he doesn't even talk to his ex anymore that's over with and it's done with and it's in the past yeah it this is some like think of it as some other new

thing yeah maybe you're gonna hear from her again it's gonna make your life more stressful and so i'm just saying that stress has to equal the inducement of the boner do you understand yeah i do but she asked him right yeah she asked him yeah it wasn't his idea okay yeah i mean even though he looks like he from lincoln park it wasn't his idea yeah and so what you do is you balance you take the stress to the boner inducing scale you take it to the boner inducing scale that's what you do and you say kinsey dude remember when kinsey had the orgasm in the movie when liam nisa was playing him and he was like i can orgasm in like 12 and like two seconds you know and he just goes

and that was it quarterback dude kinsey was a fucked up guy. I know, dude. I just watched a documentary and it fucking mentioned him. And apparently he would do crazy fucked up shit and have crazy scales. He made like 11-month-olds come. Hey, Kinsey, you're canceled. No, no, no.

I know, but... Like, what the fuck? We're canceling John Wayne because he said something in Playboy magazine? You made 11-year-olds come. I know, dude. 11-month-olds come. I know, dude. Crazy shit, dude. Canceling people because they fucking, you know what I mean? wayne because he said something in playboy magazine you made 11 year olds come i know 11 month olds come i know dude crazy shit dude canceling people because they fucking you know what i mean god because they were on fucking remember when they tried to cancel roseanne

bar for doing the shit that you did because you tweeted something on ambien do you know what i mean and now i almost got roseanne yeah yeah you almost got fucking roseanne but the fucking wow she said something actually racist which is actually pretty fucked up it is i know but she didn't know she did it i know but i know but it's harder to be like i was on ambien when you're like i don't remember what you're being i don't remember what she did me neither i think it was a racist thing okay i don't know uh anyway uh but yeah kinsey's cans kinsey's canceled you should just fuck that woman yeah uh you have to put on the scale on the boner inducement scale. Kinsey. You have to fucking look at it and be like, the stress level is so, so where you look and you get the six, the stress level is at six.

Now, when we bring it over to the boner inductor. Boner inductor, you know. We look at it. So not scientific. We look at the boner inducement of this. We look at her hourglass figure and we look at her titties and they come out further than her hips, but her hips at the bottom become big.

Titties. Okay, now for the titties exam. We equate her boner inducement to a 7.5. So you have 1.5 to play with. The stress is 6 in the boner induction. So what it is, you have a 1.5 plus on the boner inducement scale. So go have an open relationship. Deleted scenes from Kinsey.

And cut. We got it. All right. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Shit, Lifeline. It's Mr. Cuban Link from Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Damn. Wow. Jesus. Hope you guys are in your three- Link from Fort Wayne, Indiana. Damn. Wow. Jesus. Hope you guys are in your three-seater Ferrari with your dad. Yeah. Top down, titties exposed. You know what I'm saying? That's right.

I do. It's got a little Lifeline. We planted some pumpkins out in our backyard. Okay. That's July. On the left side of the trees is my property. On the right side is my neighbor's. Planted our pumpkins on the left side of the trees.

Then a couple weeks later, neighbors mowed it over oh pretty pissed about it uh we'll be rm well what do you guys think the repercussions are for that let me know i know what i know what the repercussions on their side yeah threat syndrome plan for real Plant pumpkins on their side. Direct confrontation. Eye contact, direct confrontation, knock on the door, knock, knock, knock, door opens, direct eye contact.

Why did you mow my pumpkins? Did they mean to? You're going to find out when you ask them. Did you mow over my pumpkins on purpose or not? And be careful because you don't want Mr. Cuban Link coming out. No, but I think you should say, why did did you do it and then let them say what if they don't know what you're talking about yeah and you'll know you'll be able to read that oh so you think that maybe they did it and they don't even know do it pumpkins are very visible that's what you brought you asked did they do it i know i know i know so what are you you're fucking telling me i'm i'm just going along. Why did you mow my pumpkins?

I don't like when my pumpkins are smashed. I don't like smashing pumpkins. Despite all my rage, I'm still just around the cage. Yeah, dude. They'll know what you mean. That was cool when you sang. It's cool when I sing, too. No, it's honestly just cool mostly when I sing.

No. I want to be honest, and I hate saying it. The flood of comments about how good I am at singing Since the last two episodes Are unreal I love you all I appreciate you all I know you love my singing Chris hates it You can't do it like that Dude you can't do it like that

You can't do it like this Despite all my rage I'm still just Riding my cage I don't want to do it like that Well whatever bro Anyway ask him dude I'll just ride my cage. You can't do it like that. I don't want to do it like that. Well, whatever, bro. Okay. Anyway, ask him, dude.

Confront, direct eye contact. Why did you mow my pumpkins? They're your neighbor. Just knock on their door. Hi. Why did you mow my pumpkins? Yeah, dude. Exactly. I'm Malkovich.

All right, cool. Why did you mow my pumpkins? How we doing? Jeff Rainspan here. This guy's the shit. I do the call sunny bloomfield new jersey oh shit in my home studio nice close to where we're from yes i'm a musician uh questions got to do with that what do you guys do when you get uh writers block i know y'all are both creatives wondering if you got any tips for us any little things you like to do to keep it fun um let me know i'd love to hear back and uh there are folks in this world that get it and that don't and i really feel like y'all to get it so appreciate

you keep doing what you're doing i don't have a soundboard so i'm just gonna play myself out see you later oh shit this guy's fucking killing it oh wow this shit took him all afternoon to do you know what i mean took him all afternoon to do that video that was dope neglected fucking duties that he had as a fucking you know what i mean friend and parent or whatever yeah i was late picking up his wife at the airport yeah where have you been sorry dude look what i made yeah she forgave him for sure yeah she goes who's that for and they go these guys and go oh that's really cool uh i think that writers my advice to write people who ask about writer's block is always the same which is that in my experience of course i get writer's block and when i do when i panic or get

mad at myself or try to like do some fucking thing to power through it it actually makes it worse you gotta fucking cut the cord and let it go and then you will circle back quicker and quicker to good writing than you would have if you either like put pressure on yourself made yourself do it fucking got mad at yourself whatever the fuck you just gotta fucking let it happen it'll pass quicker if you do that so if you just relax and succumb to the writer's block come to the writer succumb to the if you come to the right yeah come to so all right so then you what you do is you you what if it lasts like a week it won't got it wow he's so confident with his shit dude it won't unless you're like then it will last a week you know if you think you're fucking a bad writer because you why can't i it's just like it happens

your brain is just doing a thing that naturally happens that was crazy when you went oh that was literally what i was doing when my friends were opting to burn themselves alive in my dream last night that was what i was doing for real i woke up to it and then i fucking fell asleep again and then i woke up to kristin moving her shit and it hit my chest and i go oh and i had a fucking heart and my shit was pounding for so long i couldn't get back to sleep and then i did an hour later and then i woke up to her about 10 minutes later fucking looking at instagram didn't get good sleep all because of her and my friends were opting to fucking burn alive in my head woo all good dude i mean that might be more why you had a bad night's sleep than kristin you know i think though

you know bad dream will fuck up a night dude a whole day the whole next day i had a dream where i fucking tripped at a party and I shot a gun and a bullet hit dad. I didn't even know he was at the party. Dad died because I shot him and I was like, just ruined the entire fucking next two days. Senator, can we please get back to the issue here? Healthcare?

Yeah. Anyway, let it fucking pass. It will, is my advice. Let it pass. Just let it wash over you. How about that? Okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Okay. Hi guys. A huge fan. I'm a true baby for life. Um, but I'm going to say that this podcast actually might be my new favorite. Wow. My question today is how would you react to my situation?

check this out. I have a stepmom that has stressed me out for 20 years i have completely bit my tongue and not brought up any kind of issue with her for the sake of everyone around me my sister my dad um and it's just eating away at me um she's just very passive-aggressive it's not even that crazy i just find her very stressful to be around and as soon as i had my son um who who's Calvin's age and I'm pregnant with my second right now, um, I just found it even harder to deal with. Um, I kind of blew up on her a little bit for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago and I'm just deciding now I think it's time to cut ties. With who is it? Stepmother.

Obviously. But that means possibly losing my relationship with my dad. And I've also experienced some guilt from my sister because it's going to make her life harder. Wow. I think I know what the right call is. And I think I know what you guys will say. And I think I know what you guys will say, but I need your advice to help pump me up when I'm having moments of weakness with this decision because I've never put my foot down or established any boundaries. I'm also eight months pregnant and not in the right mindset to be doing this stuff anymore.

So if you have any personal experience that you can give me for reference or any other advice, would be great thanks bye what a cutie so i think right now do whatever you want because you're eight months pregnant just fucking like don't right don't like you can even block her fucking number if you want or even your dad's too it's like you're eight months pregnant do what you got to do and don't worry about explaining it to anybody i think ultimately in the long in the long run because if you do want to keep a relationship with your dad, I would say maybe you want to just let her know, look, if we're going to stay in touch, if we're going to have a relationship, I need it to be like this. And this is what I need from you. And this is what I need you to stop doing. If she can't do that, then you walk away and cut the cord knowing you actually did try to actually just cut the cord without giving them the opportunity to meet the criteria that you have. It's not that that's a bad idea.

It's not that that's morally wrong. I think you might end up actually be the kind of person that you want her to be in your life at least, then I think that going forward, even if she can't do it, you will feel better about yourself and your own life. Okay. So I did the joke where her face opened up and another face came out and was a demon and had a big tongue and goes, and I missed. What is her stepmom doing she's just passive-aggressive and like making her we shouldn't get that specific but yeah she's clearly being pretty fucking terrible yeah okay um button pushing i think is the vibe i got it's such a fucking fucked up like you don't choose your family you know like you gotta fucking be i mean

you can i guess when you get to a certain age you can choose to not be around them but like it's so fucking annoying because like this doesn't just affect her and her stepmom this also this will affect her dad this will affect her sister yes affect everyone so you have to kind of tread lightly even though i what i think is you look you blew up it was eight months you're eight months pregnant you blew up that's understandable right because your hormones are going crazy you've got you're two people right now do not feel bad about yeah so don't feel bad about it i think that the number one thing is don't feel bad about how you're feeling and don't feel guilty about anything you're a good person obviously you can tell that just by this and like just just give yourself

permission to not feel a certain way about how you're feeling. Yes, exactly. Like you feel the way you feel and that's fine. I think that's the number one thing. And number two, you just got to be direct and be like, look, you're being passive aggressive or whatever the fuck you want to say. It's too much and it's affecting me. And maybe it's something we can both talk through i mean dude we have instances in our lives where we deal with passive-aggressive

people all the time and like and uh and it's hard and it sucks and you know i guess i don't know if you do figure it out let me know too because i need to know i i think something you said is important though like don't put uh any kind of like edge or judgment or glean on the way she's making you feel she's making you feel that way don't be like ah i hate that she's making me mad i hate that i'm getting upset at this that's just a compounding of the problem like she's doing it that's the end of it you have your brain she has hers they react in a certain way and there's nothing anybody can fucking do about it it's about how to move on from that whether that's with her in your life or not be aware of compounding the problem the problem already exists don't add any more to it it's already there for you

uh but yeah don't fucking feel bad about anything if you end up having to cut her out of your life fuck her it's her fault yeah cut her cord like you're gonna cut that umbilical cord okay when it comes out you know i'm just saying like there's gonna be two cords at the same time be it symbolic like i'm cutting this cord and also in my mind i'm cutting the cord for the stepmom in fact say it when the doctor's cut the yeah do you know what this means like this with your you know what you know what that is too symbolic of to the doctor yeah and the doctor's like okay stay still please no because what happened is my my stepmom is really annoying and she's passive-aggressive so when when we're cutting this cord i'm imagining that it's the cord in the mind in my mind for the stepmom uh because she's very passive-aggressive and i don't want

doctor like this Doctor like this Snap Ma'am leave please Alright What's the baby's name? Hi guys I am from Norway And I work as a production dancer

And the word lets me travel all over the world And I have to speak English a lot But I've not resided in one place for long enough To pick up either a British accent Or a German or American I was going to make that joke So I've just resided in one place for long enough to pick up either a British accent or American. I was going to make that joke. So I've just kept my Norwegian one. I have a broad vocabulary and I don't have a hard time making myself understood in most situations. So it works fine.

My problem is whenever I do a contract in a country that speaks English as their first language, and this is solely countries that has English as their first language, and this is solely countries that has English as their first language, I get hassled a lot for my accent. And it includes comments about how I pronounce different words or my tone and the way I speak. Or what is most common is I get asked probably four or five times a day, where you from oh you have an accent and this includes like grocery store where i buy food and she would ask do you want to pay cash or card and i would say card please and she would say oh you have an accent where are you from usually i will politely tell them that i'm from norway and most of the times they would have no idea where Norway is or what Norway is.

And I don't see it as my job to educate them and explain geography. And I find it a waste of my time because it's happening so many times a day. That I would love if you could help me find a concise response which I can reply and kind of shut down the conversation or is this a perfect time for a spin move or should I sit down and learn an accent and which one dude thank you I was in I was in thank you for your submission my

I was in high school and remember Dojun oh yeah Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was, what was he? He was Korean. He joined the army, remember? He was Korean?

South Korean army. Oh, my God. To fight against Kim Jong-un. Really? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Him just showing up at his doorstep like, hi, can I talk to you?

I mean, that was- Oh, he used to do that. Imagine him in the army. Hey, is Chris home? So, yeah, just like this yeah he was always yeah yeah yeah is kim kim jong-un is he can i talk to the border you know uh no he uh he and he would say to me i have been working on my English accent do you want to hear and I would say sure and then I'll never forget

this and he leaned into my ear really close and he said let's have lunch and I'll never forget that dude do that learn learn a fucking regular English accent or it's so I feel bad for her it's really annoying Learn a fucking regular English accent. Or. Or.

It's so. I feel bad for her. It's really annoying. If someone asks. Spin move is great. It is a spin move. Norway. It's a good time for a spin move.

But. Interesting answer. Interesting answer because Norway. I think you could just also just be like Chicago. You know what I mean? It's like you never explain anything. Honestly, you'll get a laugh and you'll just be able to fucking probably get out of a lot of the situations or quicker if you just say narnia right and then they'll be like ha ha ha but but i and you're already spent already gone yeah you've

already um that's been my mentality so uh yeah or uh just say yeah just either do a joke or just be like, I am. Hello, paper or plastic. Yes, I am from. I am from. Exactly. Jacksonville. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's have lunch. Atlanta. I am from Atlanta. Let's have lunch. Okay. Yeah. That is so annoying, though. I'm sorry about American speaking countries.

Dude. American speaking, you know. You know how we do it hey guys loving the new podcast so basically my ex-husband and i were together for 10 years we've been apart now for four he's had a girlfriend that whole time i've had a boyfriend for the last three i'm actually pregnant do like any day now so super exciting but we've both moved on and we're good like Like no beef at all. The issue is his sister is a real nasty little C word who may get very clear the entire relationship that she hated me for no reason. And she is pissed because we never officially signed divorce papers. Initially, we weren't sure what we were doing for a while. And then it just wasn't a big deal to us because we weren't fighting over anything.

So paperwork is started at this point. But she keeps going out of her way to harass me through different social medias. She keeps making new accounts to just randomly unprovoked message me and calling me a ton of nasty names and being awful to me. So I keep blocking her. I don't know what

to do. My ex is so upset by this. He's the sweetest person. He just keeps telling her to leave me alone. She's almost 40. I shouldn't even be a thought in her life at this point i don't get it so what do i do thanks guys dude people are so weird with that social media i know people it's like what did this person do in the 90s it's a sickness just sat down and was pissed off yeah dude roll letters you know this is so weird, dude. It's like a weird,

like, it's like an epidemic. It's like a social contagion or something, the way people act about this shit. I don't even know what you could do.

I mean, you're doing the right thing. You're just blocking and ignoring, don't engage. I mean, her ex should handle it, though. Yeah, but I mean-

If you were doing this to an ex of mine, I'd be like, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I would make you stop somehow. That doesn't make any sense. But if I'm mentally unstable, I'd do it anyway. This woman is mentally unstable, no question. That's the issue. Somebody needs to get her help.

That's so weird. Unless the ex is, which it doesn't sound like it, the ex is telling her one thing and also doing a different thing. Like being like, yeah, no writer. You know what I mean? But they've been cool the whole is which it doesn't sound like it the x is telling her one thing and also doing a different thing like being like yeah no writer you know what i mean but they've been cool the whole time i don't yeah yeah that's exactly well she's maybe it was tumultuous at some point but it never was she says there should be some sort of like uh what do they call it uh when you when you call um the the authorities on somebody you to to check on them and and and they take them to a mental place what do they call it it's like they you're 86ing someone or something yeah not 86 5150 uh that there should be that kind of a thing with social media yeah like like you get to call somebody and then they get locked out of their all of their their accounts. Right. Yeah. And they got to go to like, or some shit.

I don't know. Yeah. Or like they get visited. Like this is real life. Mental health experts. But this is real life. Like people think social media is just social media. Yeah.

But it's real life, dude. This fucking woman is causing actual mental harm and stress to people. I've been on the other end of shit like that before. Not that specifically. Well, fucking no shit's all wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's like, it's awful, dude. It is. Yeah. is yeah it's really really it actually doesn't bother me but it's bothered people around me so so so much and i've seen the pain it causes people it's really dark shit yeah me that woman needs extreme help yeah it's me uh it's not you but it is you too but that's what i was thinking about um i'm telling you it's a me. Woman needs help. But it's also she's pregnant, dude. That's crazy. Like she's about to pop a baby out. Something's wrong with this woman. She's scary.

She's scary to me. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm upset, man. I'm scared. I think that honestly, it's the guy. You got to have a clear conversation. I know the guy's upset, your ex, but you got to have a clear conversation with him and

be like, yo, you got to talk to, you got to, something it something has to be done i'm eight months pregnant whatever the fuck it is like this woman is stressing me out i can't be a new mom and be dealing with blocking these fucking finsta accounts you know please help please help if you haven't had that conversation to have that conversation yes exactly and then uh also uh congratulations on your baby yeah i'll be in dallas uh i'll be in wichita i'll be in atlanta and i'll be in washington dc uh and savannah georgia go hit up chrislea.com for tickets and uh we got a bunch of new merch that just came out and we're working on lifeline merch we got that coming out soon Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?