Lifeline - 179. Gay Lieutenant

Episode Date: September 28, 2025

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or go to explorevolvo.com. Runk And there we're And there we go Something feels like Virtual insanity And other things So bad

Feel like Other things Other things Other other things That would be the worst song. Are you kidding me, dude? Are you kidding me? You know you would like that song and you know you would like that song. Yeah, okay, maybe, but

anyway, dude, it's episode 179. Yeah, it's Naomi Watts's birthday. You know, Naomi Watts was my favorite for a long, long time. She was the best. My favorite for a long, long time was Jeezzie, and it's also his birthday. Oh, wow, dude. The two of them in a movie together would be, or a rap song. Yeah. Coke dealer! Nomey Watts saying it

What if Gizi's from Watts They could do a Oh yeah But he's not I don't know He's I do He's south I don't know man

He's not from Watts though But what if no What the fuck do you know Was like Coke dealer Is that a Gizi Is that a Gizi Mom

Yeah So listen And also Whoops Go back to what you was Why would you do that Goodbye Wow dude

Yeah All right Well get to it Patreon com Lifeline luxury, 60 episodes plus two full live shows. And it kills, it kills, it kills, pew, pew, pew. Okay, now bring it up, dude.

I'm going to, you subscribe to our YouTube, dude. Man, the guy's just not set up. Anthony's not set up, he wasn't ready. He had so much time. I will be, I'm in Europe, dude. Oslo, Amsterdam. You're not in Europe right now. But I will be.

Yes. Gothenburg, by the time you listen to it might be. Maybe. Maybe. Stockholm, London, Dublin. And then I'm going to do Midland, Texas and Waco, Texas. Which makes sense, from Dublin to Midland and Waco. Dublin, Midland, Chicago.

Oh, I'm going to Chicago. Kansas City, Daytona Beach, Florida. Man, I got a bunch of different dates. Chrisley.com. I also just announced San Antonio for New Year's Eve. Oh, sick. So, come on, get with it. It'll be fun.

And then new dates coming, but chrislea.com, that's what I do is do stand up and so come see me. And, you know, it's all good. I've never seen somebody kill like my brother Oh On stage Really? Yeah Really?

Yeah Nope Nobody even has come close That I've seen Oh wow Except one time That night Brody Steven

Yeah That doesn't really count That's not the same thing Also yeah There were about 30 people In that audience But yeah Yeah

Oh dude You know it's sick I had a fucking piece of wood in my hair Wow that's really cool Oh Hey guys Pinocchio Subscribe to my Patreon

It's never been better It's never been better We rock We are O, Q, rock. Okay? Radio station. Every single episode, Thursdays

and Fridays, and then whenever the heck else I feel like it, I pop in front of the camera, I say A wapakow! Terrible. And everyone goes, Woo! On an amusement park.

No one will ever... That was the worst problem I ever heard of my life. Let me tell you something. Okay. I do a three-hour show. That's too long. Sometimes I'll do two. Doesn't matter.

Guess how many comments on while I'm live? Because it's live, everybody. Yeah, yeah. It's live. F it will do it live! Yeah. Right? Okay, yeah.

Guess how many comments I get? Oh, I don't know. Upwards of 5,000. Really? Oh, it's so loud. The clapping, dude. That's why I'm doing away from the mic. Anyway, join my Patreon.

Patreon.com slash Matt DeLea. Thank you very much. So that's a thousand, that's a thousand, 500 comments. over 1,500 comments an hour. Wow, that's crazy. It's just... You know why, do you know why, though for real? No, I don't know.

Everyone absolutely is having the time of their life. It is a party. Oh. If you guys like to party? Insecure Vanga Boys. Woo-hoo! All right, dude. So, uh, anyway, that's beautiful.

Thank you. Go check them out. And I am absolutely chilling. Uh, get, get Lifeline merch, Lifelinemerch. I'll tell you what, dude, it's a beautiful day. I woke up today and I, um, I, I, I took, I got a haircut, okay?

Dude, I got a haircut, but not today, right? No, not today, but how about that? Well, it's not that weird, right? Different days, people get different hair. No, no, I'm saying I never get a haircut. Oh, got it. Yeah, it looks way better. It does, right?

Yeah, I mean, you're, it didn't, oh, oh, oh, oh, going to be insulting. No, well, it was going to be an assaulting. Okay, so don't. Because it's really good. Thank you. That's ended there. All right. Thank you.

Okay. What about your hair? It's a new person cut it. Yeah, because it's closer to where I live. Oh, yeah. And I did it, and she's great. She's awesome. I worked out.

I really like her. And so that's that. And then I went, and then I decided to go work out. And I was so tired, dude. And I'm still so tired, man. And I, what is it about some days? You just wake up and you go, Oh, can't wait to go back to sleep.

It's like, and some days you wake up and you rip raring to go. And what it, I don't, that's unfair, dude. That's unfair. You know what else is unfair? Life. Every single thing about it. Every single thing about life is unfair. I want to be, I, I want to be, you know how awesome life would be if we could only wake up and then be rip roaring and happy?

Every day. Cocaine. I know, no, I know. And I, you know, I've taken Vivance like three times. Cocaine. And, and I go, this is it. Is this happiness? And then I go, I can't take this anymore.

What's Vivance? It's basically cocaine? Well, no, it's all that. It's, you know, it's like for, yeah, Adderall. For paying attention. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Take that shit.

No, no, no, I know. I know. I kind of want to get a prescription. Well, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And so that's why I take that and I go, Oh, I should never take this. Don't take that, yeah.

Yeah. But, but, you know, it's just like, some people just feel good and go. Nah, they're full of shit. No, yeah, okay. They're full of shit. One time, a true idiot said something brilliant to me. Oh. And he said, if you're lucky enough in this life to turn 40, from that day on,

you will never either not be one of two things, tired or in pain. and so far I'm only 29 so I have 11 years to go but so far the people that I know that are over 40 that's what they've said

it's pretty crazy yeah it's just like that for people who are 40 who are not like me because I'm 29 it makes you think that back in like when people used to die at 50 like you were just like maybe that's just what we were supposed to

like do you see old people walk around like this guy that's supposed to be alive oh yeah like people were just like it's like what the fucking, what do you do? Why are you, like, what, it feels like the end of life is mostly 60 something. And then once you get to 70, you know, unless you're like one of these guys that's like, what was that guy, Jack LaLayne or whatever? Yeah. Jack Vance. Yeah.

That, that, that you're just, look up Jack Lillane. He was always like, I ate 40 pineapples a day and do 7,000 chin-ups. I honestly hated that guy, dude. Well, come on, bro. No, I hated it. I hated it. I mean, you're going to spend so much of your life in a gym. You spend so much of your life in a gym.

All he did was dress like a power ranger. And work out. But he ate right. But even that, it's like, dude. Yeah, but what is longevity? Look, look at climbing, floor climbing. Mark Wahlberg to make a movie about, wait, go back to the Mark Wahlberg thing. Oh, wow.

Hey, listen. Hey, Mark Wahlberg. Yeah. you no well i'm gonna say it all right you're gonna bleep it out because it's first 10 minutes you no it's okay you suck no no listen listen suck now i'm not i'm bored here's why that he regrets making boogie nights he said he did yeah why because he's all fucking religious and shit now oh that's oh you regret making the only great film you were ever in you f*** Mass, and now you're in Father Bob with Mel Gibson?

Suck me! Dude, uh, uh, suck me right off at church. Okay. A lounge singer. The worst. I mean, we'll get kicked out immediately. Yeah, we'll get kicked out, but not in Vegas. So I think that with Mark Wahlberg, uh, has a very interesting career.

Uh, what he-huh. What he-balled in the new Gibson movie is what I need to see, though. So he's bald? They made that choice? Might risk? change course once again and now I think he's great again so I'm being honest

now I like him again but it's complicated clearly is complicated so hold on a second he makes really terrible movies all the time nonstop it's really weird it's like he doesn't care which is fine I think that that's he does care he cares a lot

about like Mel Gibson well he's religious if that's what you're saying no they're buddies now they've made two movies in the last four years One is called Father Bob The other one is flight risk for some reason And what's Father Stoo? Stu, that's it, sorry

What if he did both Father Bob? I mean like this guy just keeps can't stuff doing shows movies with Father in it Oh, you got it Can we change guys with Father something? What is the one, go down? I mean, I like it, but maybe call it Father Risk Oh, go down or something.

Maybe call it Father Flight Risk or something. Father Plain? You know the one I liked? Pete made it. I'd fucking love to make it father something. Anyway, yeah, I'll go bald. Maybe Father Nohair? What's the one Pete did with him with the...

Father Cueblood? Lone Survivor. Father Cueblo? I like that movie. Father, you know, Father Light and hitting off the head. I don't know. That's your job. I'm not a writer.

Play Dirty, dude. What is that? Like, what are these movies? Those are these the ones I'm talking about, the new ones. The Play Dirty. That's the one with that guy from, what's it called? Anyway. Oh, that guy?

Yeah, the guy from Get Out. Oh, really? Yeah. Father Get Out. Lekeith? Yeah, he's great, actually. Father out. I'm sure it'll be Lekeith being great

and Mark Wahlberg being a piece of toilet paper as good at acting as a piece of toilet paper, yeah. Othio's... The Keith is amazing, dude. All right, well, that's cool. This is great. Go check out that friggin' great movie Flight Risk.

Oh, Robert Downey Jr., the most annoying guy in the world is in it, too? That's a really weird cast. Dude, how do they get... How are they both Parker? That's not accurate. Yeah, no. It was going to be Downey, and now it's Walbur again.

Anyway... Anyway, the thing about Play Dirty, the title, what's interesting. Oh, oh, it's a, oh, dude, go back. I was once commissioned to write a Donald Westlake novel into, turn it into a movie, okay? Wow. It never happened. And that's the guy. But the writer that I did it with, his name is Jonathan Ames.

He's a huge writer. Yeah, I know. He's a big dickhead. And he is? Well, he turned out to be one. Oh. And he, like, used me as a bouncing board the entire time to write a different novel. that ended up turning into a movie

starring Joaquin Phoenix so what directed by that woman um god what's her name she directed rat catcher what is her name Kelly not Kelly Reichard I don't know anyone look up rat catcher

what the fucking Lynn Ramsey yeah she's great she's actually fucking awesome okay um but uh that movie where he plays the guy that you were never really here yeah that's the one It's based on a Jonathan Ames book.

Jonathan Ames is a comedy writer. Yeah, I know. He wanted to get noirie. Yeah, I remember. I'm a noiry guy. We shared a manager. I remember that. My manager was like, you want a noir guy?

I got a noir guy. For you, Jonathan. Here's your noirie guy. Okay. He vampireed all my noirie shit. And then? Wrote a novel that is a noir. Okay.

That then turned into that movie. And here I am. Oh. I have $7. Really? Okay. Wow. He took me out one night.

I thought it was, like, to catch out. Yeah. He wanted to apologize to me. Oh, wow. And I was like, well, wow. Give me your money. So this is your movie technically? Yeah, I wrote this, dude.

Joaquin and I did this together. Well, I mean, you know. Me and that little girl whose name I didn't know when I was directing her and we did it together. Wow, that's so weird. So he apologized? Well, wow. He apologized, yeah. Okay.

At least he apologized, but that's really wild. And I didn't know it was going to be an apology thing. I thought we were going to hang out because I didn't know about any of this. the book hadn't come out oh wow okay jesus well so why didn't he give you credit i didn't write the book i didn't write a single word no no i understand but isn't it like a story by thing or something i mean a thank you would have been nice right right right right right right oh right like an on screen right right right right yeah but hey guess what everybody in hollywood you know all right well let's let's start speaking of that on a horse when you were doing that but um let's do the first

Let's do the first submission. Here we go. All right, let's go. With the RBC Avion Visa, you can book any airline, any flight, any time. So start ticking off your travel list. Grand Canyon? Grand. Great barrier reef? Great. Galapagos? Galapago? Switch and get up to 55,000 avion points that never expire. Your idea of never missing out happens here.

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Hi, Chris. Hi, Matt. Hi, hi, Matt. Hi, hi, Chris. You did it right. Great glasses. Great glasses. I keep hearing the stigma on, like, men and watching porn. Ah, I've never heard of this. I can't shake. Like, I'm in my reading air right now, okay?

So I'm, like, a big literary fiction reader. And I find it very uncomfortable and hard to have conversations with other females that are also readers. Because I feel like. All women are just reading smut right now, which is essentially, like, reading porn. You're right. You're correct. And, I mean, like, women are, moms are doing this, like, at the pool on a Saturday morning at 10 a.m. While they're screaming children, a foot away from them. Or, like, at morning baseball practice at 6.30 a.m., reading a book that I know is about.

John Doe suckling titties or like Susie Mae, gargling cock. Wait, write that down. Like, I don't want to read those types of books. They're not for me. Like, that's fine. I mean, read whatever you want to read. Are we just okay with this nowadays? Like, we always want to say stuff about men having porn obsessions.

Oh, yeah. But what about women that are just constantly reading corn? They get lost in that. And, like, is this just normal now? What do you guys think? Have you ever seen, thanks for the submission, have you ever seen? That's a good question.

Have you ever read any of that stuff? I've read like excerpt. Yeah. I can't believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. You know, I unsheathed my cock. Erotic.

It's erotic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just plain erotic. And placed it in between her legs. I mean, it's better than. It was sublime. It's not. No, mine's actually better.

It was sublime. I pushed in to her opening. Oh, my God. I felt. release you know so short you know oh fuck oh fuck i felt release i mean she probably liked it too the end worst book ever best pamphlet and so i think um uh i think that because porn has been around so long and actually weirdly not to get sidetracked but states are now banning porn you need to you need to

in certain states Ohio, Arizona are the two that I know and Georgia as well to use Pornhub or any major porn site you'll need to show an ID I know that

are gonna get around VPN's gonna skyrocket in those states Yeah yeah yeah I mean VPNs advertise in those states I stop I mostly I don't really watch porn honestly Loser

I do sometimes. I'm not saying I'd never do. Getting cooler. I'm not trying to say like, you know, I'm better than that at all, at all. Pretty much the only time I watch porn is when I need to, because I cannot fall asleep because my legs are twitching. And I have restless leg syndrome. And so I have to watch porn.

You need a release? Yeah, dude. And it's, it always works, dude. An Alchamidzimid's release? What? An alchamid jism or lease? No. I don't know what that is.

Jism. Yeah, jism, okay. But the whole thing about it is it releases endorphins, I guess. And my God, I fall asleep. Busted nuts, it releases endorphins? But I fall asleep immediately after I do it. I mean, we got sticky sheets. You get to clean it up.

No, I, because here's why. Because I'm trying to fall asleep and I can't. And I'm like, oh, because my. legs so I'm so tired I'm like I guess I guess I can do this and I'm doing it so tired and I'll do it and then as soon as I'm done I'm like I got to clean up and it's so hard because I'm so tired I clean up a little bit and the biggest most disgusting disgusting guy you know well yeah be so tired of you because I'm trying so hard to leave your a jism all over the place because I'm trying so hard to

Maybe you should just start wearing a condom. I mean, I, I, because I try so hard not to, uh, I try so hard not to, not to do it. Well, it's not, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a very, it is a very, it is a very, I don't think we're supposed to be watching this many people, fuck, you know, you know, here's what I think truly about men watching porn. There's, by now, it's a very, it is a very, I don't, it's a very, I don't. Now, it's such a massive business. So many people, like, me with my Patreon, or whatever, like, get into it on their own, with their own fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get huge followings because they're, like, attract people who people want to watch fuck.

Right. That, to me, is, like, obviously, it is porn. Oh, yeah. But that's, like, a whole other thing than, like, stylish Shiles and, like, some big ridiculously royally. it out dude yeah fucking in like the fakesest way ever got it okay and he's like choking her and she's like acting like she likes it and then like six years later she kills herself oh something's wrong right i'm not gonna like august aims she she she killed her something's wrong with the big porn industry but if you and your fucking husband want to get bang-a-rangin on camera

to make money for other people to wank a crank to twang to twang to Twang, Tolly Teng, Conway, Twitty. Yeah. Then fucking do it, dude. But I... That's all gravy. But you think, so, okay, think about, though, but so you think that people watching that every day, you don't think that that, like, desensitizes them and makes them fucked up.

It depends on what they're doing while they're fucking. If they're fucking just... So if you watch people beautifully... You don't have to be, like, you don't have to be, like, you don't have to be, like, fucking prince and princess shit, but, like, if you're like, no, I mean, you're in love, Someone's got a ukulele. If you're in love and you're, like, having sex with your partner and... Dundwan.

Dood, do, do, do, do, do. Ha, ha. Sech, don't want. We got to play that on a luxury. On the luxury episode, yeah. What was the song? Because YouTube sucks and takes everything down. What's the song?

It's by Enya? It's in the scene of boxing helena. I know, but... We want to watch the scene. I used to have the CD of it. It's Enya, yes. No problem. Hot man, boxing Helena, dude.

Poor Julian Sands, R-A-P, dude. Yeah, there you go. See, and see what happened to him? He did that fucking thing. Her titties were bouncing, and then he got lost in the woods, so... Yeah, he died. He smelled so bad when I met him.

Okay, well... He smelled like old cheese. His body smelled like old cheese. See what happens, dude? When you film... You know what? Scenes like old cheese and die in the woods. A bear might have ate him

because he smelled like old cheese. Might have found him. Man, why are you talking badly about Julian Sands? I love Julian Sands. I miss him. All right. He's a guy who did a movie that was softcore porn

in the fucking 90s and it's called Boxing Helena and it has that song in it by Enya and it's been kind of important to our joking stylings for a long time since we were like, I was 13, yeah. And he was an actor that ended up dying in the woods and the mountains

and nobody knows why and it's sad as fuck. It's a complete mystery. And Matt says he smells bad and he also says maybe a bear ate him because he thought it was cheese. Old cheese. God forbid somebody

You die You die in the woods And somebody's like Man he smelled bad Maybe a bear ate him Because he smelled like cheese It's been long enough But I'm just saying

Imagine he said about you dude And all you did was do boxing Helena Dude When I'm dead I don't give a fuck about anything Because I'm inside dirt Inside dirt Inside dirt

Inside dirt With fucking Denzel Washington Denzel's so sick What do we got to here With this dirt I saw highest to lowest Oh, dude.

I can't watch that. What? It looks terrible to me. It looks... First of all, it's based on one of the greatest... It's a remake of one of the greatest movies ever made. Oh. High and low.

Akira Kurosawa, thank you very much. Oh. It looks very bad to me. It's... It's... You know what it is? It's Maximally Denzelian. So you should...

Well, Spike Lee, too, right? Yeah, but I'm not the biggest Spike guy. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's just... I mean, I love He Got Game. I love Malcolm Max. I love a lot, I love do the right thing, but that shit's forever ago. Denzel is still Denzel.

No, no, no, I, yeah. And A-Sap Rocky has, has like, yeah, and he's good. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. Wow, okay. But he's no, I mean, nobody's, no, no. All right, well, maybe I'll check it out then. I enjoyed it because Denzel is nice.

Right, right. He's very watchable and cares about it. The most, the most. Anyway, so, yeah, so women who read that stuff just know that it's affecting you. It's female porn. Yeah, it's female porn And in a way that when guys watch porn And they're like, oh, hell yeah, that's what sex is supposed to be like

Women will be like How come you don't, you know, build a castle for me in a way? And you're like, dude, you're reading some fucking YAA bullshit No guys like that exist You're talking about a winged creature I have a job You know, like excuse me I have no swords and a job

Stop Stop telling me to to eat your opening it's not you know what I mean or however they put it in the book you know they don't put it like that I munched on her opening

and you know what I mean whatever it was I you know I enveloped her opening her she enveloped my sheath she enveloped my you know bowl constrictor

or whatever kind of words they want to use they don't use those words and my wings got in the way ah fuck I needed to tie my wings back so I could unsheat my boa constrictor and hide it in her open Huh.

The special thanks to whoever at that. Worst book in history. So, so anyway, and that's why, but same thing. Guys are like, hell yeah, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to, I'm watching porn and I'm going to choke my girlfriend later, and the girl's like, oh, yeah, what the fuck are you doing? You know what I mean? Yeah. And he's like, well, don't, don't read those stupid books, bitch.

Well, I mean, you know. You know? I think they're independent of one another, is what I'm saying. I don't think it's like, that's payback for reading that book. You're going to read that book? All right, cool. porn hub Hey babe

Hey babe Slut Reader He's stupid reader Oh Stop reading those books Bitch bitch Worst couple

Crazy What is that? You're on a horse Walking away Oh All right All right next one All right, next one.

Good, good submission. What's up? Oh, you're in a band, paramedic. On the way to a call. I do not have a patient. No, we don't. I didn't have a patient on my last submission either. We're on the way to a call.

I'm just riding in the back. But anyways, in regards to my last submission, I was by myself when I ran from the concert, which is fucking hilarious to think about the fact that I was alone and ran. But my question this time, I've never swung a golf club. I've never cast a fishing pole. I've never shot a gun.

I grew up in Texas. I still live here. All my friends do these things, you know, hunting, fishing. I'm actually on a golf trip this weekend. And I'm not going to golf. I will go and hang out.

I'll do all these activities with my friends every time, but I've never done 26. I've never even cast a fishing pole. I never swung a club. And I probably will never do it. So he's not going to go on. No interest.

But I'll hang out. What do you all think? So he's going on the trip but not going on the golf? golfing part. Sure. That's cool. That's the most

baller shit in the world. Yeah, I mean, it's a little... He has OCD. I mean, let's face it. Yeah, it's a little specific and you're gonna piss some friends off. You're neurodivergent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Neurodivergent starring. It's all good. Because, you know, now everybody is, I guess, but like, um, you are really weird. With my fucking buttons. You're really weird.

I'm also really weird. so this is not an insolm, but you, that's really weird, but, but it's also really baller, I think. You know, whatever, that's not so bad. I mean, you know, that's something I might do. Go to a place and be like, ah, if you, you would 100% do that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you can go to go, go, go ahead, go play golf. I'm going to go find a fucking coffee shop.

Yeah. Yeah. Neurodiverion. So if that's what neurodivergent is, then okay. live it up fuck it you're going i you know that's the thing about activities and all that like you don't have to do activities you know i got you know david sullivan he's always like come on man let's play pick a ball and i'm just like man i've played it before i don't want to and that's okay dude that's okay you don't have to do all these fucking activities that everybody want you to do

steeper but also not really sad deeper i i just i just fully agree like it's like everybody was starting going to hike how did we both get like that though uh i don't know you'd imagine we're both like really fat

you know yeah because we don't like that yeah but i'm crazy fit and you're you know a little bit you're not fit i'm like a little tall drink of water and women chase i'm fast luckily i'm fast because women chase me women and gay men and gay men who are also

police officers because you're criminal and they're trying to get you in jail women and gay men chase me freeze hey get over here lock them up and I have to like jump fences and get the cuffs jump along rooftops

you know yada yada yada whatever my point isn't get up against the fence about me never mind I don't want to make it about me you're opening always cold always cold when you come Come. Fuck.

Always freezing when you come only. Oh, shit. I unsheathed into your opening. Spread them. All right, let's take him in. Circle. Put him in the paddy wagon. With the rest of the guys I've come in.

I mean, you know. The most horrendous cop. Horrendous cop, starring. It's like bad. Michael B. Jordan. No, it is. It's bad gay lieutenant. gay lieutenant is harvey kettel in bad lieutenant who's just so gay father lieutenant's father lieutenant sarin mark warburg

hey you get over here spread them oh there's your opening put him in the patty wagon let's go book them redefined paddy wagon if you know what i mean yeah didn't know uh what was it called um i fucking get my bell in there oh fuck Oh, that feels really good. All right. So chill about to, you know. Yeah. Anyway, women chase me.

Father cop. I mean, it's why I'm so skinny. I lose weight. I lose weight. I lose weight. I lose weight. I'm always running. Father cop, dude.

A priest that's a cop. Hey, freeze. You're being freaking crazy. Won't swear. All right. Yeah. It got Willa. They got my daughter.

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All right. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. So dark. Let's turn into the episode right now with Danny on it. and just had a quick question I got on some legal trouble recently and going through the whole court process with that

my question is how do you guys deal with things that you've done that you regret I know that nobody in my life thinks differently of me because of what's happened but I can't stop thinking about it I can't stop putting myself down about it I can't stop hating myself about it just to be transparent with you guys

so I just wanted to ask you both what do I do how do I get out of my head about this thanks guys love you both I mean yeah chin up

time you know I mean it's hard well go ahead there's time but there's also all right this is obviously a serious one

so I'm not going to be like fucking around at least not at the top not me Where's their opening? I mean, how do you deal with regret? Well, first of all, let me just say this. It's so annoying when people are like, no, I don't have any regrets.

I am me. Everything that I've done made me me up into this point. Dude, you're an asshole. Those people are also just utterly lying to themselves. Well, yeah. Having regrets is part of life. So don't beat yourself up. You can't live without regretting something.

Yeah. You don't even know what life is. It's insane. If you don't have regret. Yeah. You literally don't know what it means to be alive if you are not in regret at some point. So what, so, so, so, so, so you're doing something that's very human and you're feeling something that's very human and that's okay. So no, that's not okay. That's good. Yeah, yeah. So open with, start with that. You're, you, you're, you're a human being that's, yes, I feel regret. That's how it should start. It's not a sociopath and not a psychopath. Right. You did something that you, whatever it is, that you regret. Found out we found out we were talking a guy who killed Charlie Kirk. We're like,

Oh, well, that changes the whole thing. I know, but okay, but I know, no, I know it was sad, but I'm just saying, I know. Why did you say that? Well, you said, no, you're going to blame me? No, but no, I'm not blaming you, but what you're saying is, uh, something you did made me say that. All right. Don't say that. It was very sad that that happened.

I know that. That's why I say don't say that. Okay, but I'm saying, it's not a political thing. It's just so... I know that! Okay. Okay, so we agree then. It was okay that I brought it up

because it's so fucking sad. We're going to talk about that guy now. Yeah, that guy who didn't do that. You know, because that guy would be in custody, Tyler or whatever. Shut the fuck up, dude. Anyway, that guy did something that probably isn't that egregious.

Yeah, he got in trouble with the law. He did something he fucking was dumb. And, dude, let me tell you something, man. I've done. so many dumb things that i regret i can't even fucking remember them that's how much i were that's how many times i've done things i i regret okay how do i live with myself moving forward here's how i accept the fact that i only have my brain I do not have someone else's brain.

I can, and I can only have my brain. And the only way my brain can work is the way that it works. And I didn't pick it. So you did something. Let's say, I don't know what it is. Let's say it's a hit and run, right? Kill the politician, whatever you want. You hit someone and drove away.

Let's just, I'm making it up, obviously. And it doesn't have to be a politician, so just hit and run anyone. Yeah, you. You're bringing politics in this. No, I'm saying it's not political. But you're saying political when it wasn't even a thought. Yeah, it could be anyone. So you bring it up, yeah.

So not somebody that's running for anything. So you're looping politics into it again for no reason. It could be, but it's not. Okay, so you hit somebody with their car. No affiliation with anything. You sped away, the person gets severely hurt, and then cops come knocking on your door. And you've been thinking about it this whole time, and you really wonder if you killed somebody.

It turns out you didn't kill somebody, but you really fucked him up. and you could have made a difference, let's say. I mean, this is such a ridiculous thing I mean. You know who makes differences. So anyway, politicians. Say you did that, right? That would be really a regrettable thing to do. It would be a shitty thing to do that you did.

Now, does that make you a bad person? If you think that makes you a bad person, you're wrong. That's just what your brain had you do in that moment. Now, do I take this? argument all the way to fucking murderers and rapists. Of course not. You're responsible for your behavior at the end of the day. You're responsible for whatever you did that you regret.

But regretting it. Regret is a stone cold killer. Dude, I actually said this the other fucking day to somebody in this room and I'm not going to say who it is. Looking at you. But regret is the fucking mind killer, dude. You have to learn to be okay with what your brain made you do, whatever. it was you have to

it's a jail dude you can't get out of it unless you give yourself a break give yourself a break yeah that's it I mean look Clintons I'm looking at you you know war crimes no I'm kidding but yeah Bushes

yeah maybe war crimes who knows maybe war crimes Bushes they all did war crimes I think every politician probably does war crimes yeah I mean you know because you kind of have to anyway it's part of I mean cannot can't I'm not, stop, bringing up politics. But the person that that guy did something to

is probably has no affiliation with the GOP or the Democrats. And that's, you know, it's too bad what you did. But, you know, as long as I can still vote, I guess. I think that, yeah, you just, yeah, I mean, Matt has it right. You have to at some point forgive yourself like you would forgive someone else. Yes, exactly. And, and, and, and, you know, sometimes it's hard to forgive other people too

but you know it's like it doesn't mean you have to forget no it doesn't mean you have to forget it's very powerful when Erica Kirk said she forgives the the shooter of that was a really powerful thing beautiful I mean like the whole speech was just

incredible but you know you're also a person so you have to get to a point and maybe it's not now but you know but honestly you're right it doesn't have to be now but it literally can happen like this

if you let it read the book Strangers to Ourselves Do yourself a favor Strangers to ourselves Read that book Okay Good luck dude

Whatever trouble you're in I'm sure it's not too bad And I'm sure the regret Hopefully you're not listening To this podcast from jail We'll fade Dickhead No

Come on dude I don't mean to be Maybe I say You know Bring up sometimes things That shouldn't be brought up But I and I

And yes I could easily regret that So I will forgive myself And No you should continue to regret that Continue to go on with the podcast Keep regretting that I keep regretting that

I'm not in I don't feel bad anymore Dude fuck this dude I was singing I keep forgetting Before the show started I know And you said it was bad It was bad

I sing good Dude Also was seeing A remix of it I keep regretting I keep regretting I still feel Bad what the fuck

There's fucking Crazy runs I do That's good It's good that you did that I wanted the audience Of context that that was like a build Either way It's funny as a build

It's funny random though All right fucking No I'm not All right comedian I'm not saying it like that dude I'm just saying you don't have you're the one being like that if you're saying it's funny because there's a build and I'm saying no it doesn't need to be funny because of that here's here's

let's talk comedy babe oh shit remember that Jerry Lewis thing yes I do all right let's go next how Matt so Chris um Chris I saw you when you came to Albuquerque a few years ago and Matt never seen you love you anyway hell yeah I'm calling today because I've a little issue so my neighbors I should drive through my rocks to park in their spot and I park in my rocks with a work truck

because a little bit too big to park here and it'll block in my cars right but they're always driving through my yard to get right there bro what the fuck no I always park my truck here

but you know just in my rocks so am I a bitch because this bothers me I want to know what you guys think, so let me know. So what do they do? It doesn't, here's the thing. It's confusing, but it doesn't matter. Someone else is driving on his property.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that annoying? Yes. Is this a bitch? No. I do understand that's annoying. It's not sub bitch, but I really would like to see what. So they draw, so that's his truck, right? That's his truck.

Okay. And he's saying when that's not there, they come up that way because their driveways, they want to park a certain way in the drive way. Oh, I see. So they come up his little thing there, right there, and they turn on his rocks. Yeah. That's like, dude, get a different house if you want to drive.

It's very interesting. If you want to drive a different way into your house, get a different house. You know what's funny is... Because you can't drive on someone else's property to get into your house. I know, but you know what's funny is it actually doesn't matter. What do you mean? it's not doing anything. Look, if there was grass there...

There's like a whole bunch of bushes there. Okay, yes, fine. I understand. I assume they're not rolling over the bushes, dude. If they are, that's crazy. He said they're driving over my rocks. The rocks are covered around by bushes. From that angle, it looks like they're...

I'm just saying... Encircled by bushes. Here's what you do. You say, guys, I set these rocks up the way I like. They're all fucked up now. Yeah, they're fucked up. It's kind of therapeutic for me.

It's an absolute. abstract art thing I kind of do. I mean, you don't need a lie that bad. That's doing too much. Yeah, I'm saying, I'm giving on other options, though. You can say that and be like, when you drive over my rocks, you fuck up my art. Is that my property? Oh, it's on my property, right?

So don't do that. Thank you very much. Yeah, just knock and say, hey, can you stop driving on my property when you come park? Can you just use your driveway? You say, because I'm calling the art police if you keep doing this. And then when they do it again, you call people, you get your friends to dress up like fucking assholes with ascots and shit and like easels and they come with guns

and they're like guys you cannot be doing this and they're painting but so many of Fet cop jokes today father art cop so this is the last time we're gonna drive in his rocks spread it

this opening get in the paddy wagon anyway get in the wagon let's go jail you're gonna be locked up I need something to wipe my bell end with all over it oh come on I can't talk about anything.

I can't talk about assassinations. I can't talk about... No, you can't talk about shit on the tips of dicks or the recent assassinations that fucked up our entire country. You brought up both of those things up. We were past that. I do another one.

So anyway, you know. Hey, Matt and Chris. What's up? So sexy, sex. My husband hates the listy cadence. The what? You know, the one where you're like... Oh, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, and then I went to the mall, and I got my ears here. Oh, your husband's got a fucking problem. Burger, the food court. What the fuck is that? I hate stuff like that, not that, but. So you're okay with it being negative? It's more annoyingly when it's, like, listy and happy. Oh, you're a terrible person.

Does it look listy and happy. Divorce. Can you give us some ideas of how we could, like, list things with a different cadence? All right, thanks so much. So he doesn't like it when it's happy? That's so crazy. That's how people talk. That's like part of the English language.

I do. Okay, but let's be devil's advocate here. If you're talking about stuff, fucking mean it. Don't just be rolling it off. Ah, we did this. You know, we did that. We did this.

Dude, I asked you, put some fucking feeling behind it. We having a conversation or what? I don't know if that's why he doesn't like it. I was going to say, you think that's why he doesn't like it? No, I don't know. But maybe, you know,

maybe when he was younger, somebody fucking did that and then beat the shit out of him, you know? I'm going to beat your fucking face in. I'm going to pull your dick off. I'm going to notch up. And then I'm going to fucking put it in your opening. Anyway, here we go. I'm going to be a fucking don'tchie and that'll be that.

Yeah, don't, you fucking. Okay. And then fucking gave him a don'tche and then left. And then fucking was like, all right, need to wipe my bell in. I mean, maybe he's got PTSD, but I don't think that's this. Maybe he has, Pst. Telling a secret.

Telling a secret. Do you think... Here we go. Here we go. I think it's gay if... What do other... I know that this is not what people all over the world called Donchi, okay? Right.

In fact, I think very... Takes such an issue of it. I want to know who calls it Donchis. No. Who calls what Donchie? Donchie is... I know that. But what's he asking?

That's not... He's saying that's not recognized as a donchie. It's just... Dongchee. Whatever it is, it was only in our high school. is that true oh it's not like a thing yeah I think Asians made it

Anthony what's a Dongchi no idea oh he don't know bro he don't even know who fucking oh you know why he's from fucking Compton or whatever Oh yeah They only In bad neighbor

Okay so nobody calls it Domchi It's different Domchi Donchi I thought it was Dongchi I thought it was Dongchi I thought whatever the fuck It's not anything

You know what I mean So I thought it was a thing So what is it called for other people I thought it was a thing Is it even a call the thing Where you just take your head Like that up into someone's butt You go like that and then that

And then that I mean, dude, the last part doesn't do anything. The last part doesn't do anything. Want to bet? Get over here. No. No, no, move, move. Chris, get over here. No.

The last part doesn't do anything. Clear the table off. Get in someone's asshole and then open it up. Plus, if you did, fart on you. Like, that's a fart on you. You wouldn't want that. So you know it doesn't do that. You know it doesn't do that.

What was the one? Yeah. I'm going to see if it's called something else. All right. Well, good luck with that. What's it called when you stick your two fingers, when you jut them in someone's anus and you pry it apart. part and close on hands

actually ask chat gbt see if she see if she I'll do it see if she will understand what you're talking about I'm just going to say

what is it don't you know that's not I'm just going to try it all right what is it don'tchi no that's not what I'm saying to ask I know I didn't care I don't care what he said he didn't care if you actually wanted to know about Dong Chi or something

else entirely. Just let me know what you're curious about and we'll get it sorted out. You guys fucked all that. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, what is it? Dong Chi. All good. Let's just reset a bit. If you're asking about Dong Chi, it might have to clarify the context, like whether it's a cultural term, something from a language you're translating, or anything else. Just let me know what you're looking for and I'm happy to help. When I was in high school, me and my friends used to do this thing. We would stick our hands up our friend's butt and then separate our hands really fast. And that's, and that's, that's what we call the donchee is that something she's not gonna answer well that's

definitely a unique my guidelines won't let me talk about that all right you you're good for nothing hey sam altman make it fucking better you idiot well yeah that you're it's just not called a donchie it's just what was called a don't you because anyway but i'm gonna focus on what i said so far all off of what we want to focus on okay i said about sam yeah okay fuck you sam okay okay That's fine. What was the submission? She was talking about the list. Oh, the listing thing.

The cadence of that people talk. So maybe, you're right. What Chris was saying was maybe that would be better if it was like, well, actually what we did was, we did this and it was like this and then we did that and it was like that. Oh, then we got it. Then we got an almond croissant. You don't need to be. You don't need to act.

And then we got an almond croissant. And we walked in there. We thought, what the fuck, my? Then we went to the park and it was like unbelievable. We got on a seesaw. I ate the almond croissant and my cold to die. That. honestly would be

such a good first option do it like you're fucking Damien Alburn from Blur Are you fucking kidding me Just be fucking Liam Gallagher doing it What did I do today Are you a fucking knit wit

What I did was I woke up Worked out Went to the fucking Seasaw and to park Got Norman Cresson And then I came home Went to the bathroom number two

And after that I fucking chilled on me couch For a long time And watched fucking VR truce Supas! Fuck you! And if your husband doesn't like that, you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you divorce him. Yeah, that's crazy.

That's just instant, instant divorce filing. Yeah. Because what does you want? Oh, you don't like the list one, and you don't like when I'm the fucking British guy? Yeah. Fuck, fuck you! And you don't have any ideas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going here. Yeah, come at me with some, with an idea. Come at me with, uh, you. You just want to hate? You just want to bitch at me about how I do it? And then I try a brand new way that's fucking sick as shit. And then you want to fucking stillate it? That's actual grounds for divorce.

You can take the house and the kids if you want to. And his money, if you want to. If you want to. I'm not saying you have to. Okay, next one. I've got news for you guys. Okay. Oh, my God.

We both lost all of our money. Am I gay? Yeah. So if, if I put all the money on. Okay, so in Japan, okay. Is it gay? They do the thing. No, don't you.

Okay, but it's with fingers. Uh-huh. And they just, they do that and like that, but with fingers. But it has nothing to do with an anus. And it's called Concho. That's close. That is too hard. That is too hard.

I felt like I was cracking the case, though. Okay. Were you cracking a table? It's kind of close. Say it again? Concho. Concho is not. It's not close.

It's not. It's not. I'm just saying, so it is called something. The ch is close. It's called something, and that's what I wanted to arrive at. I understand, but it has nothing to do with an anus. Yes, it does. Oh.

They do exactly this, except it's just the fingers. So is it a sexual thing? And it's in the ass. Or is it like a joke's on you? No, it's like a prank. Gotcha. The same thing. Oh, we do conchie on him.

What is it called? Concho. Concho. So. You put a finger. Do you know about concho? So at, you know, in... I will describe about a conja.

I will describe by the conchard. You have to wait until they're facing the other way. That is when you are taking your fingers and you put them in V upside down. And then you jot into the opening. and proa you that part of the your fingers are smell shitty afterwards

sorry go ahead you know what's interesting people talk about how uh oh were you going to say something no no it's okay oh drowned them with that no wait

I don't even remember what I was going to say oh it's fine got lost in my shit you know how people say it's racist to do accents yeah it's not okay let me finish unless you're like oh and then oh I don't know what the hell you just did

You know, people say agents can't drive, which is I'm, you know. Okay. But what I was going to say is Ted Cruz recently talking about the Kimmel thing, which was shocking because he was so hardcore against Trump and Carr and the FCC and everything. He was like, this is a very dangerous precedent. Anyway, did you hear what he said? His Italian impression? No. He does the worst Italian mobster impression.

I've ever heard in my life. And let me just tell you something. Come on. Imagining, imagining, imagining being offended by that because I'm Italian is fucking, fucking,

mind-boggling. John Malcovich. John Malcovich in the fucking... Fucking mind-boggling! It's just, like, dude, who gives this shit? Yeah. It's just, it's, it's actually hilarious

how bad it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't see it, did you? It's on his podcast. I don't do it. He goes, I can't even do it. I can't even do it. It's so bad. Do not do conjure on a man looking right at you. You have to wait

till they are not facing you. Ancient. rule or conjure. I mean, the most obvious first rule, you know? It has to be in the ass, you know? You don't need that step. Also, it is not sexual. It is a prank.

Do it to men as a joke, not if you want to because it is a boner-inducing. What was the last thing you said? Boner-inducing. Oh, yeah, be careful. You don't hit the wrong spot in the butt. No, not, no, for you, I mean, it's not gay. So if you like doing it sexually, it goes from Conja to fucking you are gay. Don't.

That is a different. If you keep it at a prank level, it's called Conja. That is the Concha way. He's looking. Don't do it to him. Okay. You good? Yeah.

Want to do one more before we wrap up? Yeah. The best way to the donchie is if somebody is a moonwalking. Right into it. If you hear smooth criminal, then they'll be on the lookout. Just bring a boombox. When they play to trick people into getting a concha, bring a boombox. Pete pills, Bill's beat, and play beat it.

And keep your hands together. And wait. Dung, chung, chung, chung, Japanese guys. Jung chung ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch. Wait till they moon walk. You been hip-hop, you been hip-bant, a smooth criminal. Dung-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.

Did you? Dude, who covered that? I got it. Did you like it? Did you like it? Yeah. Oh, that is another concha. You are gay.

Who covered that? It was Alien Ant Farm. Oh, yeah, dude. Yes. Wow. Chris Marco! Remember the song Movies by them? That was good.

What? They had a song called Movies. That was actually good. Really? Wow, dude. Chris Delia naming a different alien ant farm song. That's wild. Yeah.

Fuck, dude. Bro, I, I, I, I, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. That's wild as fuck. Dude. That you even know what Alien Inform is. Movies. That song, movies was the shit, bro.

Wow. I'm... No. Knowledge. You're not. You're not. And you know you're not. And I know you're not.

You talk about not being. It's in your stand-up bit, dude. Well. You talk about being an idiot. Wow. That doesn't even know how to read articles. Chris knows the weirdest, like, specific. I mean, yeah, there's random, like, little droppings that ended up stuck in his brain.

That's why I, yeah, I'm, some of the reason why I can make people laugh is because I pull those things out. Okay, well, making me feel bad, but okay. So, maybe, you know, maybe be happy about that a little bit. And don't turn around. All right, one more, one more, one more. That shit. What's up, Chris? What's up, Matt?

Didn't we just. So, you guys went to high school with my uncle. What? He talked about him on the podcast before. His name is Mike Stevens. I was a huge family before I knew that. Anyways, had a question for you. So I was at a party recently.

Wait, pause it. Pause it. Is that Ryan's son? Did they have a third brother? No. No. Then that would have to be Ryan's son. That has to be Ryan's son.

And Ryan... Definitely had a son when he was like 22. He did? Oh, well, he's Ryan Stevens, dude. Well, that's true. He used to pop and lock in fucking churches. I literally remember he used to talk about fucking girls in churches. Oh, shit.

Yeah. so who knew he was like you know in high school like this and he goes like oh shit she's hot at church at church yeah yeah oh oh oh oh hey look at that dame nine years later 22 years later that guy by the way mike stevens was one of his best friend yeah no mike stevens was one of my best friends he was so funny dude so was ryan oh that guy's hilarious yeah ryan's cool too uh okay okay great we love you your family dude yeah keep going this lady walks into the party super cool no problems with her she starts introducing herself as lindsay but she says but

everyone calls me romo oh you just say which is fine yeah that's fine why didn't you just say that no your name is romo i don't agree with that uh you don't agree with what i think that's a little her doing it fucking weird uh and she said it to everybody too she was like oh well my name's lindsay but you can call me ramo my name's linds linds be call me ramo no just change your name that's a completely different name just Just say your name's Roma, right? I mean, I don't know. Just want them to see what you guys' opinions were on that.

Hold on, hold on. I don't know how you're saying about. You guys are the best. Love all the podcasts. Peace. Thanks, dude. Good submission. You're cool.

Your family. We love you and we love your uncle and your dad, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here's what I think. It reminds me 100,000% of the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off when Jennifer Gray tells Charlie Sheen her name. And she says, name and then she says but my friends call me shana and then charlie sheen says okay and calls her by her

real name and it's fucking such a good scene now that being said that's nostalgia fucking my brain the thing about the linds and the romo thing movies with alien an amp for i'm a woman okay i knew it dude i knew it oh fuck it explains a lot i come up to you and i say you you asked me my name and i said what's your name romo cool what's your first thought oh Yeah. Is that your real name? Or did your mom give you that? Or are you just a fucking superhero?

Or your parent's psycho? Or your parents raise you like a psycho? Right. Yeah, yeah, true. Okay. Now, ask you my name. What's your name? Lindsay, but people call me Romo.

Right. But sometimes people like to be different, though. And they go like, Lindsay, but don't call me that, call me Romo. That's not what he said. Okay, okay. If she said that, that would suck. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. So you don't agree with him then.

I don't, I don't think she's like wrong. Right, right, right. I just think it's a more nuanced thing that she's doing that he's not realized. That is very interesting. You don't want to seem like a fucking freakazoid when you meet new people ever. So when you're a woman and you're like, I'm Romo. I am Romo. Like, you don't want that.

Yeah. I have something to add. All right. Is it gay if Concho? You keep talking about Concho. I do a similar thing because, and I totally understand this. Great. They, you're getting ahead of all, every, all the questions that would be already there.

Let me tell you something. And, and you're the king of that. No. He's the king of getting ahead of trying to get ahead of something. Trying. And fucking it up even worse. Yeah, but he's good. Okay.

So I'll tell you what I do and you tell me if it's stupid. Oh. Oh. I doubt, no, I bet with your name, it's a good thing. It's with my name. Yeah. Okay. I know.

Oh, well, this, yeah. What's your name? And they're like, I'm getting, doing a reservation or something. I say, maco, but it's spelled like macho. Yeah. And sometimes I just go macho. because it's not my fucking name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I understand. I get that, yeah. I think, yeah, I think it's, I think, I think family member, Stevens, that you should think about a little bit more. And I also think you should call Roma. Open up a dialogue with her. See what, see what she's doing. If she's cute, what if you have kids together?

Make Mike and Ryan grandparents. This is mom, but we call her mommy. Mama. This is mom, but we call her Roma. Uh, yeah, no, I do a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm a, I, I, I, I, it is, but, on its face, it's sure, because you're like, sure, but, you get a fucking name, tell me, but it's not her, call me, Romo, it's not her fault, that she's called Romo, she could do that, but that call me, call me Romo is like, oh, it sounds like a book that would be written in

2004 that so many women would like, and you'd have to hear about it so much, but, yeah, it does, but it also, fuck, would suck to hear from a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, or a guy, call me Romo, call me Romo, call me Romo. That's the worst way to do it. Romo cop. Romosexual. Okay. Well, appreciate you guys. Get tickets at chrystalia.com to come see me. I'll be in Europe. And I'll be in Europe and I'll be in Texas and Florida and a bunch of different places. Go to chriselia.com. Thank you very much. I have five words for you. Four words for you. I have five words for you. Such an idiot. But they all run together. So it's basically one word. Patreon.com

slash Matt DeLea. That was six words. It's really just a website. So, yes. So thank you very much. I'm not good at math, but I'm good at other shit. And when you sign up for my fucking shit,

you'll see. Thank you. Love you. This is a good episode.