Lifeline - 183. I'm Dreaming Me

Episode Date: October 26, 2025

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In store online at Sephora.com. Runk. Hello, and welcome to Lifeline episode. and 83. It is Sunday, October 26th. And also, happy birthday. Shout out to my boy Keith Urban who just got deed up from the feet up. You know what I'm saying?

No, they don't. And they don't know. He got divorced. So he got deed up. And Pat Sejack, who I thought was dead for sure, but he's not. Woo! Pat Say Jack? Pat Sayajaj.

Jack. No. Don't make it worse. Made it better. Go back to Keith Urban real quick He is a Mannequin He looks

Actually not human He's all right But he's had so much work done I mean look at the two of them Really? Look at the two of them dude Just non-people Wow that's crazy It doesn't make them look young

Like I was saying before Just makes them look not old I wouldn't even agree with that It makes it's just Not naturally old You just look like You've been in an accident And they reconstructed you

You know, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Anyway, back to the important stuff, which is to, um, I'm going to be a Midland and Waco, Texas. Oh, wait, no, I guess I'll be done with that by the time you hear this. I'll be in Syracuse and Buffalo, New York, Hamilton, Ontario, Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Missouri, and New Year's Eve in San Antonio. Go to Chrisley.com, get tickets. Jacksonville, Florida, too, you forgot.

Yeah, no, I didn't forget any. I purposely, yeah, go to Jacksonville, Florida, too. uh obviously um subscribe to our patreon patreon dot com slash lifeline luxury there's i mean i don't know there's a lot of episodes up there now plus two full live shows and of course subscribe on youtube because youtube likes to keep us in jail because we're prisoners because we're criminals dude uh and join the party at my patreon patreon patreon dot com slash matt delia live i go live crazy Shigov happens It's a party

Go ahead tell me Let me tell you something dude I am officially back from Europe Two days Welcome home Three days ago thanks Did Did

Did a train hit me Did a train hit me in my sleep Tonight You woke up from You slept yesterday you're saying I feel I'm not I'm not me

What's the of American Psycho. I feel like I'm dreaming me. Poetry. I feel like I'm dreaming me. Sylvia Plath. There's a silhouette in my pocket.

Sylvia Plath! Yeah, no, I feel like I'm dreaming. It's crazy. It's just so crazy. Are you on anything? Like, you just take a sleep aid? No, baby, you know me. I do.

I just thought maybe you took a sleep aide. No, baby. You know me. But I'll tell you something. Yeah. you know i'll tell you something all right go ahead i'm under 200 pounds dude he did it whoa that was bad grammar your boy did it's two sentences you're saying your boy did it me yeah your boy yeah the kid did it well good for you man two i was 212 2 13 and one month dude 2199 i can't believe

i did it and i did it and i completely changed my diet and holy christ it's good it's good because you were really fat before that is not true with your clothes off you could tell no i always see you naked i filled out nicely uh but now i even you know i'm so what is it what why did you want to lose i've never done it i never i've never controlled my eating ever but you've never really been i've never been fat yeah but i've never controlled what i hate and i wanted to completely control what i hate you know why because you can't control what happens in life i was going to say i do know why yeah And that's why, because, yeah, it's nothing controllable in the world. Lots of control.

Yeah, yeah. You know why? Spinning out. You know why? Going backwards on the freeway. Can't get front. Can't get front words. So I go like this.

Oh, no bread. I go, it's, well, ah, ah, ah, no bread. Seems like there are more important things when you're falling than to not eat bread. But I get, I get, take the metaphor that I understand it. And I've never. ever paid attention to what, what I eat. Well, yeah, if you don't need to, fine. And I am a thin boy, dude.

You've always been pretty thin, but yeah, so I do it like that. So it's nice. And I really like, I really like the way I feel, but I don't like the way I feel because my voice has gone because I screamed at Europeans for fucking three weeks. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Scream to people.

Screamed at Danish people. Screamed at Swedish people. Scream to London people. Scream to Irish people. Scream to Norwegian people. Let me take a wild guess. The Irish people needed screaming at the most. Irish people...

I already agree. They just got to... They got to just... What are you doing? Like, all Irish people live like they're going to die at 42. A lot of them, I think, do. And their last words are, do them today well racist you know well i don't care anymore i mean it's okay to it's okay to say that

about irish people i think yeah because everyone hates irish people because even ir even irish people hate irish people it's reverse racism but yeah it's just crazy um so anyway my voice is gone and i'm gonna blame the dubliners yeah but um i'm glad to be back i'm so fucking glad to be back i'm so glad to be back and then i got to go to texas i just miss my uh miss my family and i want to be around them but it's so cute i got to lay with billy this morning and he just like kept on grabbing me and grabbing my arm and like you saw that picture i sent just so cute makes me happy well it's good something to look forward so my voice is struggling so that's why i'm a little i honestly it it's creating such base that when you talk i can feel it on the ground yeah could you

imagine how sexy that is like if that's the kind of deep voice i have any way people feel it Could you imagine how sexy it is if I'm like, well, okay, so you're female, right? Oh, okay. And I'm in your ear, though. Okay. Right. Just crazy. That's it.

Just take you, let your mind go crazy. I'll let you do the rest. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not, my mind's not doing much, but. No, no, but I'll take your word for it, but get it to go crazy. Dude, I was, one time I was on, I was on instant messenger when I was like, you know, really young, like, AOL, and you're going in there trying to do, like, chat with. with the other ASL, whatever

What's up? Hey, you want to do sex chat or whatever the heck? And it's just like, yeah. And it was like, yeah. She's like, what are you going to do? And she's like, use your imagination. And I'm like, well, no, that's why actually we're doing this.

I'll never forget that. And I got pissed off, dude. Okay. It's still not over it. I'm over it. Remember when pre-propography? Can I even say that anymore on YouTube? Probably got to bleep that out.

God. Anyway, be careful, Anthony. Just say cartography. Before cartography. That was a long time ago. Anthony, that's the maps. Yeah, it's map making, yeah. He's like shopping cards?

Definitely did not. Where to put the shopping cards? And the only online ones. Can't think of the material version. So, what the fuck we do something? I wasn't never paying attention. Oh, so you would go to those chats. in those chats and then find those forums and you download like one not even naked picture

of Pamela Anderson and it would be like so slow and it would you'd be like oh my God I'm going to see like an almost naked person and I was like that was the one I was like 12 yeah and Tim Chung came over and made me delete them because he said let's do it for Jesus and I did it you did something for Jesus you gave up your Pamela Anderson and bikini collection for Jesus it was a not fucking loser I was a Jesus freak dude I know you weren't dude yeah but I did it for Jesus

so he can't say it really you did it because you got peer pressure dude because you got bitch you got sat down by Tim Chung dude well whatever dude he Tim you watching he was like let's do it for Jesus try that with me Tim all right I was like this is my favorite one

he was like let's do it let's delete it for Jesus like like it was fun like let's get up let's let's get off on getting rid of this for Jesus no he was just like let's do it for Jesus because he died for our sins. Guy, you're going to hell. I honestly don't even think I understand.

Jesus doesn't like it when you stare at a naked body for no reason, unless it's for copulation. I don't think that's in the Bible, and I've read the Bible. Well, I've read the Bible front to back and the audiobook. But by James L. Jones. And Sir Ian McCallin came over and did it. And I, legit, you've read the Bible? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's so... And I've read the... Go on. and I've read the Old Testament what else you want what else you want to know how do you read that though like this

you just because they're all so fucking boring you keep waking up yeah exactly and they're long as shit anyway so you're just like but did you pay attention I would just be seeing the words

I tried really hard to pay attention because you know why because I talk so much about I mean not so much but when I talk about religion I want to be able to if someone says something I want to be able to be like

no you're wrong or yes you're right Yeah, but you only, at that point, you're only looking at words because you can't, come on, you can't. I mean, I don't retain most of the, right, Godan. I'm saying that so I don't get a fatwa put on me, by the way. I'm saying it like that because I don't want to get Salman rushedied. I don't even know any of those words. You don't know what fatwa is?

I know what that is. Okay, yeah. Well, I don't want one. No, I know. Why would you want a fatwa? Why would I get a fatwa? Well, why would you want a fatwa? I'm just saying I thought you didn't know what a fatwa was.

No, I know what a fatwa is. I know you don't want one. It'd be pretty baller, actually, to get a fatwa. How do I do until it happens? Okay. Oh, damn, I want a fatwa. No, maybe we should start before I get one. Yeah.

All right. All right, let's start, dude. So happy. It's happy. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. Okay. Have you guys heard of this phrase?

And if not, let me explain it real quick. I think I got it, then. Essentially, when you peepee, it's usually yellow. If it's poo, hopefully it's brown. But essentially, every time that you flush, you waste three to six. gallons of water. So what the phrase is trying to, you know, get in people's heads is that every time you pee, you don't necessarily have to flush. You can pee a few times. I don't know it sounds gross for everybody. Well, it actually sounds so self-explanatory.

But coming from Eastern Europe, where those are pretty high and you need to save as much water as you possibly can. You guys are going to end up crying. Yeah, it's a little bit more plausible. I've done it before with roommates that were pretty okay with it. We stay pretty hydrated. The smell isn't usually the issue. Oh, you're European? I don't know. I just wanted to get you guys take on this. Hold on.

The smell isn't an issue? I mean, not. If you're really hydrated, it just comes out. If you're just hydrated, it comes out, it's just basically just... Bro, Europeans, all they do is drink... Water. All they do is drink coffee. All they do is drink espresso and vape.

So it smells like disgusting. They're pissed, I'm sure. And they just do it. But they don't can't smell. because they always smell like that. Okay, well, that's... I'm racist. Massive generalization, but...

Also, Americans piss, they don't have good diets and their piss smells, too. Yeah, who doesn't that... Who has a good diet in this room, though? I'll be honest, I mean, I bet your piss smells terrible all the stuff you're putting your body right now. Noted. Yeah.

Protein shakes, you're saying? But protein shakes and, like, macroses, as you like to call them in? Well, macros is just micronutrient... I don't... Macro-nutrients, but yeah. But, yeah, so. But, um, I... No, my piss, I don't know.

I think piss is just gonna smell bad. I, even if it's hydrated. But I drink so much coffee, so I know what's up. I don't, I think if you pee once and don't flush, that's fine, but you don't add peas to it. Well, that's what he's saying? I know, and I'm answering him. What do you mean?

Yeah. He asked, I'm, he inquired as, as happens on this show. You knew he was European, right? You were joking, right? Of course. Okay. I mean, that's the most European guy ever, like, before he'd even, opens his mouth um he also did look like johnny american but that's how you know he's european

but he uh he yeah you you can't pee on top of pee and then not flush you pee once whatever you walk away no big deal you pee yours even on your own then you're flush gotcha otherwise you're a fucking pig i don't care if you're in europe i don't care where the fuck you are you're a fucking pig i don't do that and you sir are a fucking pig i don't do that i i save energy money and water and power money elsewhere. Thank you very much. Yeah, turn the fucking lights off, pee head. Yeah.

Hey, turn the lights off every now and then piss ball head. Yeah, it's piss monster over here. Just filling the toilet to the brim with piss, dude. Dude, you know what happened the other day? This guy's disgusting, you know how I always get cold brew or I get like iced espresso? I was really turning it up with the fucking hot espresso in Europe. It was really nice.

I'll tell you. And dude, I'll tell you, but I'll also tell you this. I got back and I was like, let me get a coffee. And I got hot coffee. I told him to get hot coffee. They filled it to the fucking brim, bro, and I couldn't take it anywhere. At the counter, I couldn't take it anywhere. Oh, yeah, you got to pour some amount. Yeah. For Pat's Ajax. Yeah. I hate that part. I hate that. Like this. It burned. Yeah. Yeah. It's so. First gay experience. It's so bad. He's so nervous. Your wife's going to find out. So never so cell phones in the room It's freezing Turn the air off, thank you Yeah, it's real cold And everybody knows it And

It's probably the headline On the New York Times Yeah, I think that's the rule That's my rule And that's the rule I only let it stack up If it shits To where

Until you can feel it on your bottom When you're sitting down Disgusting, dude That's when I'll go All right, time to flush And I clog it Every single time and and every single time i go god damn it and i go fuck but then that's just like how i live

my life dude and if i piss the worst way to live the absolutely worst worst way to live by choice you know and i don't pit i piss in diapers i have adult diapers and i piss in them so yeah no ain't and you ain't shit didn't an ex of mine get you diapers once for your birthday yes yeah do you really use them i try to but i have way too much piss for that and they just comes out the sides, it eventually comes out to side. Because it's for like dribbles. It's not for like actual. Yes, but they also have extra heavy duty ones.

Oh, they really do. They limit them. Do not work. Yeah, I would imagine. You want to piss your sheets? Yeah. Take one of them and have a party. Yeah, they shouldn't advertise themselves.

It's diapers then. They don't take up all your piss because that's what a diaper does. So anyway, but I got, but I'm going to get one of those. Why don't you wear a diaper, Mr. fucking Europe? Pissing it once, leave it on, pissing it again, leave it on, pissing it again. Tell me how your fucking dick feels, okay? Mr. Saving Power over there.

Mr. Save the World in Europe over there. I'm fucking heated right now. Not going to say it. Go ahead. Five times tried, didn't. Sorry, go ahead. I'm heated. I got pissed.

Next one. It's all good. Okay. Now I'm heated. Great. Now streaming on Paramount Plus is the epic return of Mayor of Kingstown. Warden, you know who I am. Starring Academy Award nominee, Jeremy Rennel.

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is a member of the band of Spin Doctors. Hey guys, I need some advices while I'm driving. I'm a professional photographer. I do all different types of photography, but my main geek is real estate photography. Currently, I am employed by a real estate company to shoot all of their properties. It's a 9 to 5, but I'm out taking photos, doing what I love.

It's great. It's cool. The problem is that I'm making about a quarter of the amount of money that I would be making if I were doing this for myself and obviously it's a nine to five so it's like I don't really have the freedom that one has you know when they're yeah when they own their own company or whatever so I've always told myself that like I'm not cut out to own my own business so I'm probably just holding myself back the idea of it's very scary I don't know where to start

what if I what if I fail and end up homeless probably not going to end up homeless but hey You never know. Well, you should get some good picks out of it. Yeah, I don't know. It's just all very scary to me. It's, so do I just suck it up and accept the fact that I'm probably going to be working for somebody else my whole life? Or do I take the risk and just kind of see how far I can go, you know? I don't know.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I just need to do it. Not sure. So let me know what you think. I mean, dude. Also, how bitch is it when you go to put your seatbelt on and it locks up? And so you let go and you let it roll up a little bit and you go do it again and it locks up again. And you're just getting angrier and angrier.

Yeah. Just getting dominated by a seatbelt. Hate it. Yeah, it's bad. Love you guys. I appreciate you. And bye. Thanks, bro.

That was too long, but it's all good. It's all right. Was it not too long? It wasn't too. I rarely think they're too. You always think they're too long. Oh, yeah, that's true. yeah but just like get to it you know yeah but that's kind of like because what i that's what i was

think of when i was think of when anyone is talking to you about anything well that's true texting you about anything i'm rude or communicating with you in any way at all i'm rude it's not even rude you're not even a rude boy you just don't listen too now too now well okay yeah but that that being said did you hear everything you said yeah i did and like just what are you going to do bro what are you going to work for that company your whole life like what are you talking about you have to start your own company this isn't a question you do you i'm not saying quit your job now and then start your but like take the steps start it up take the steps bro what the what the fuck you know like what we're gonna you're not

gonna well here i got news for you're not going to work for that company for your whole life So you might as well try to make some scurril or some extra cheddar. One fourth, dude, I hate companies, man. One fourth of what you should be making. Because why? Because they have the reach. Yeah, because they... Go shake some fucking hands.

Yeah. I mean, network while you're on your way out, you know? But like, let it be a longer play. Start now, though. Get everything rolling in terms of the... Dude, get an Instagram pop. Also, you're in Texas, dude. There's like no paperwork.

You just like... Open carry, you got your gun. Bring a gun and threaten people to make you take pictures of their houses. Yeah. And just you already look like that. They'll let you. And then they'll be really good pictures because you're good at it. And then people see them and they'll think, I want that guy.

And then you won't even need to use your gun anymore after that. Chris left. Chris is gone. No, I had to plug in my phone. But yeah. Yeah. No, but for real, though, anyone out there in a similar situation, you have to try you can't you're not going to work at your at the company that you're at

until you die and if you do you're you're you've lived a miserable life yeah dude so think of it that way and it's not like it's now or never you're a young guy no but you should start to get to take them steps dude you're not even going to have it there's going to be no jobs in 10 years anyway just at least make some money with your business bro you know that job might still exist you might yeah maybe maybe yeah no yeah a version of it well yeah do it version of it well yeah Do it. Get it going. Yeah. Don't stay there.

Yeah. Okay. Exit plan, creation of business plan, merge together, exit, and then creation of business takes off. Okay, you're welcome. The worst, what do you call it? I don't know. Best. Getting it down, the worst whittling down.

No, I did it. Why are so many people making crazy noises off of them? I don't know. Why is that fucking fan on? Let's go. Let's go next one. NBA's back, baby. All your favorite NBA players are back.

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Limited time offer. Hey guys, love the pod. My submission is about text etiquette. So my husband and I send out invites via text to our families. And the issue I have is his side. There's always a couple of them that respond with just like a thumbs up or a heart on the message. Yeah.

And it drives me nuts. It's like, I'm glad you like and love my. messages but i just want to know if you're coming and how many yeah yeah yeah so i can be prepared by enough food by enough that's annoying dude um he's mentioned it a couple times to them but i think they just forget um it just drives me crazy no that's crazy next time they come without saying they're coming i'm just going to tell them that they can't eat and they can't drink anything tie them up too yeah i think you should do that and tie them up so are you coming or not do that on the text because i don't know because you just put a heart on it the fuck's that's right that's

are you coming question mark yeah hell yeah dude yeah that thing you just did with the emoji that's nothing are you coming or not yeah yeah yeah just straightforward i need to know how many fajitas to get yeah you stupid bitch yeah well do that you could do that to them to your husband's mom if it's the mom if it's the dad you stupid fucking idiot jamaakovich yeah dude i don't like that people do that sometimes people i don't even like you know what i'll get rid of this The, the, I'm, I'm, I don't need the exclamation point bubble. It's gone. I don't need it.

You'd have a thing that, well, no, that bothers you, that bothers me, that bothers me so much. Oh, really? Which is that you, I mean, it's the most you thing ever, so it makes sense. And it bothers you too? No, it bothers me that it bothers you. Oh, got it. If you say something funny via text and somebody hearts it, you become Mussolini and say, no, that was funny, put a ha-ha, instead of the heart. Did you fucking laugh?

That laugh supersedes the fucking heart. The laugh, are you kidding me? Okay, so if I'm on stage and I'm doing my jokes and nobody's laughing but they're like this. Well, that's not how communication works. Exactly. So get your text stepped up. No, dude.

You heart it because you love it. You ha-ha, because you're just like, I recognized your joke that it was a joke. Congratulations. I completely disagree with that. No. Recognizing it is the thumbs up. Fucking God of that one with butter.

The thumbs up is just. you don't that that's the one that's got to go take a hike exclamation point if somebody says something that's not funny but it's like really thumbs up is i've received what you're saying hey i'm going to be there 10 minutes late thumbs up perfect you don't fucking heart that you definitely don't you say okay okay you say the letters oh and then and then k i think that thumbs up or just k the exclamation one is okay but people use it completely wrong and i can't well that i agree with but you know what are you going to do about that i i use it properly So I just never, the thumbs up, I think, is just rude.

It's like typing out okay, period, instead of just, okay, exclamation point. Which is better, and everybody knows that. Okay. What's up, gentlemen? What's up? Big fan of both of you, Chris. I've loved you forever, dude. Hell yeah.

Since that stupid show, Glory Days. Wow. I don't know. I just became a fan for no good reason. Glory days. You're dope. You make your brother so much better. I do. The dynamic of tuning you to is just the best.

Joe Ryan. Never ends. Hell yeah. Thank you. Okay, man. Most the bitch. Then you're coming out of an elevator or around a corner and somebody's mopping the floor.

Oh, okay. You do a little tilt-toe, hands in the air walk. That is the most-a-bitch thing I've ever seen. Like your Jim Carrey in. I've been wanting to share that for about six years now. That's hilarious. Happy good day, guys. That's pretty bitch, bro.

Yeah, I don't do it, though. I take my risks. I walk even harder. I go like this. All right, I'll do the tip-toe thing. Because you don't want to fall, but you got to show you're cooler. No, I walk even harder. And I come up, may.

You know what you can do is just get on your tummy and slide forward like a penguin. You could also not lift your feet and just scoot. That's bitch too. Depends on how you do it. Depends on how you. Hey, that's crazy bitch. Dude, I'm telling you, I think somebody could pull it off. If you went backwards, hey, moonwalking?

That's crazy, bitch. Like Michael Jackson and a shit? Oh, dude, there's a Stodian right there. Yeah, exactly. Dude, fucking, I'm bad, I'm bad. You know it. What the fuck you're doing? You know, they're never white.

But anyway. Well, it was unnecessary that part. It's a joke. It's a comedy podcast. They're white sometimes. They're what? White sometimes. They are white sometimes.

Cross my fingers when I said it. No, it's true. No, I'm kidding. I didn't. I didn't. Add into it, making it worse. I can't let it go. Digging in it deeper.

No, that's all good, man. Okay, that's next one. I do, that's why I say next one. In my heart I'm not racist. I do. You're a real fan, you know in my heart of not racist. I do, so let's do the next one. But you're my brother.

I'm saying if you're real fan, you know my heart of my racist. And we're going to do the next one before you keep going. Oh, hello. Texans. Hey, Chris and Matt. I'm a big fan of congratulations, and I just recently started listening to Lifeline. I also listened to the Golden Hour, which Chris, you totally carry. Oh, thank you.

I would listen to it if you weren't on it. That isn't so much. But that's not the reason. for my submission. I'm submitting this video because I just got married a couple weeks ago. And I am just asking if you have any relationship advice or marriage advice on how to keep it fun,

how to keep the love strong, and how to not let the hard times get the best of us and how to keep it spicy. I don't know about that. Any advice is great and much appreciated. Thank you so much. What you do is you just go to bed. A lot of the times you've got to go to bed super angry and it sucks and because you wake up good advice you'll wake up you'll be fine you not a lot of stuff i mean that is not true if you're not used to always be like you don't go to bed

angry that's crazy dude we were always have to talk shit out bro i go to you go to bed sometimes get an argument you go to bed anyway you wake up and you go what the hell we're arguing about yeah there you go yeah but i've been with women i've been with women who i've made angry who have woken up for two months mad at me still so that's not necessarily the rule of thumb yeah but you was So you're going to stay awake the whole time and try to work it out? No, that's not my point. My point is that that's not true of everyone.

That's all. I just think that... And by everyone, I mean, that's not true of women. And honestly, dude, Chris Rock said it best. Well, actually, I don't know how he said it, but if you look at his stuff, he said it best. Walking it back, walking it back.

But he said, if you just keep fucking, it'll be fine. There's the truth to the... So true. okay so i mean i've been in relationships that are so bad that the intimacy just ends all even like any physical anything and that obviously is an indicator of something so if i mean you don't want to get busy when you don't want to get busy of course not but i'm talking about actual intimacy like yeah like holding each other looking at each other eyes going like this oh yeah honey that's true you know that kind of stuff i mean i well that's a good point sweetheart

might count yeah it's that's intimacy adjacent perhaps but like you just don't want to end up feeling like roommates right everything at all costs don't be roommates yeah you are married ostensibly till death right isn't that what they say yeah uh you never know when that's coming yeah she could be dead already she might even that's true man her husband could have died in a wreck she could have crashed in her alpha romano she could have got hit by a truck uh train i mean either you don't any of these things any of these things it is Texas so yeah anyway uh keep keep keep keep keeping it you know um worst device to you know touch your husband a lot you know I'm saying uh and go to bed super angry worst uh also uh I think this is the most boring one

so save the boring for the last but uh if something's bothering you about your husband you have to tell them and not in a shitty way but you just got to let them know there's caveats but hey listen up this thing you do I'm not trying to be this way maybe it's even my problem

but I feel like this thing you do is fucking so fucking annoying and stop here's me when I was it is your problem we'll walk away I mean that's likely to happen

but you still got to say because if you don't you're crazy man I did that for you I knew you'd laugh I do you fuck Cherry You're the worst band of all time Aye

You're crazy bitch But you fuck so good I'm on top of it It's crass What the fuck was the rest It doesn't matter You know He can be saying

Open your refrigerator Fucking you all nine Scratchers on my back So basic That keep me right on Fuck So basic What we said

I Put ham on bread And then put fucking Cheese on bread And then all you got to do Is put mustard on and that's how I'm saying sandwich is so fucking basic

cooking show cooking show what we're going to say this hey put shoes on hey put pants on children's song children's song

kid cherry now you're dressed he says you fuck so good I'm on top of it so white so white what does he mean

can you pull up the lyrics actually he's saying two separate things you fuck so good and also I'm on top of it meaning I'm mounting you like an ox yeah like he

Hi, you crazy bitch Put your shoes on Put your socks on and pants I love her in the song He says hey in the most annoying way Imagine what Hi So gay

Hi You're crazy bitch There we go Okay What are you stupid Oh I know I actually know how the whole song goes Now that you have all of them up

Oh yeah because you can read it I know It doesn't make sense Bar by bar Hey you're crazy bitch But you fuck so good I'm on top of it When I dream

Of doing you all night Scrashes all down my back to keep me right on. Hey, you're just reading. You're crazy bitch, but you fuck so good. I'm on top of it. The most disrespectful anything, anyone has ever been to me. Dude, for fucking singing that and doing that and not look at me as the most disrespected I've ever fucking been, dude.

And I've been around so many fucking... I knocked over my fucking drinks. Disrespectful. Wow, they're so bad, dude. They're so bad. Buckcherry's the worst band in the world. And that's saying a lot because there's way too many bands. No.

It still doesn't make sense though. Bro, get over it, man. A scholar, like, it's a fucking stupid rock song. This is the dumbest. First of all, he starts the sentence by saying, but, but you fuck so good, I'm on top of, I don't know. But you're a crazy bitch, which would imply get away from me, but he's saying, but you fuck so good, I'm on top of it. When I dream.

A teacher, book cherry 101. When I dream, I'm doing you all night, meaning sex, scratches all down my back, like, because sex is so intense. Hervey, MLK. To keep me right on. hey, and then you repeat that again if you're buck cherry. The worst going to, an eighth grade course teacher going to get fired.

Okay, now let's start it from jump. Here we go. Hey, you're crazy bitch. Can we? Can we like this? Mr. Delia, can you come to the principal's office, please? Why did you highlight that? If I'm so good, I'm on top of it. Yeah, sure. I'll be right there. I want to see the annotation on genius. What the fuck does that mean? Such a dork thing. I don't know what half of those words were. Actually, I need to let me just, I know where. While you're doing that, can you scroll up? This is a website called Genius.

Break me down. You got a lovely face. We're going to your place. Before we get into it, before you got to freak me out. Before we make a rash decision, let me just check actually the... Scream so loud. Get fucking laid. Why can't I do my thing?

You can. You got to let me do my thing first, which is sing. You've done that so much. I don't. And it's not good because it's screaming. It's not screaming. Buck Cherry's screaming. I'm being Buck Cherry.

Go ahead. No, it's. It's just, I've... Don't be like a fucking... No, it's fine. 15th... 15-year-old girl. Don't worry about it.

I won't say anything ever again anymore, no matter what. Anytime somebody even so much as... Even if I'm in trouble. Even if I'm in trouble even edges in one of your fucking bits, it's not, no, no, no, it's not worth it anymore. You've ruined it. Honestly? Fucking just do it. Even if I'm in trouble, I won't say anything.

I'll die. You'll be fine. Oh, fucking bitch. Bye. You cry as a bit. All right. Next one, it's the lead singer of Buck Cherry. That's annoying.

What? You're a muffler. You don't hear it? Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh, yeah. Way better.

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Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no. But chicken, Yes, because those are groceries, and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Oh, could be. Hey, Chris and Matt. With glasses. I have a dilemma. I need some advice. I can't get this mask off.

So what would you guys do about a neighbor that's a little too nice to your girlfriend and or wife? uh my living apartment complex and fuck his wife bro upstairs never makes conversation with me if me and my girlfriend are walking to our cars he just waits but if my girlfriend's out there by herself yeah he talks to her and is overly friendly and it's weird yeah and recently she said that she was cooking something that night he asked her to save him some oh and i don't know i think that's kind of weird bro um so she did she tried to bring him to his He didn't answer. Oh, wow. Got in a nice little skirt. I don't understand what's going on. I asked her about it outside. So I know I can't, like, say anything to her.

She's just being nice, but... Well... Do I say anything to him? Do I be overly nice to him? Do I introduce myself to him? He knows... Introduce himself like that. I have it all.

Hey, I'm all here with the wife. So should I be like, hey, what's up, man? I'm, you know... Anyway, just let me know what you guys would do. No, that dude's a player-hater. I've loved your stuff for a long time, Matt. You're hilarious, too. I always wish I had a brother dynamic.

Oh, cool. Have a good one. That's cool. That's sweet. I like this guy. I'm not going to do anything bad also because, no, I just wanted to hide my idea. Oh, we figured, man. Yeah, yeah.

We know you didn't just rob a bank, you know. Yeah, first of all, do say something to your wife. Say, hey, that guy wants to fuck you. That's it. You don't need to make it bigger than that. Just let her know. Like, some women don't know. Because some women just every, every guy,

wants to fuck every woman let's start from that base obviously there's exceptions of course but like let's start from that general assumption you could want to fuck women that don't even exist yeah well yeah men are constantly making up women in their heads yeah exactly yeah so let her know because it's good for her to know how she exists because who the fuck knows about this this guy you know and then if you've never met him he's never even really did he's say there's not met him he just kind of waves when okay yeah okay so go up to him and introduce yourself and get really way too close to his face no no yes yes okay but smiling like you're not like intimidating it get really way too close to like it's the purge and get and and and he'll back up

you're big obviously you can tell even with the mask on yeah yeah yeah and he'll he's not going to like shirk a run but he'll definitely feel something weird and but smile and say hey I think you know know my wife we've never been properly introduced my name is whatever your name is and then it doesn't matter what happens from there it'll stop i promise you try to try to fuck him or you can try to fuck him that'll stop everything like physically assault him no no no what's up dude oh oh like spit game at him on come over what's up what's the inside of your place like yeah you got a black light let's watch fucking uh discovery channel get up get up in here get up I mean, the Bloodhound gang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about bad songs. Oh, my God, the worst song, dude. Wow. Yeah, so I don't know. It's so bad I'm not even going to sing it. Oh, oh, really lucky, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, dude. Or poison the food, you know? Nope. No, I'm kidding. Don't poison the food. Don't do that. It's comedy. I feel like dude's being a dog, you know.

Of course. That's why you got to. Kind of got to respect it, probably. You got to also be like, bro, bro, I respect it. Game, recognized game, but my brother, my brother, I will flirt with you. And I'm very good at flirting. And if we end up fucking, it's not because I'm gay, but all of a sudden you are. That's all I'm saying.

So if my wife's going to be feeding you, you might be ending up gay. Hi, young guys are. I mean the craziest thing to say to somebody. I'm telling you, dude, it'll end if you do those two things. that I said, I'm telling you. Call back in, after you do it, call back in, let us know that it worked. Not the thing he said.

You're a big dude, being a big dude around other dudes is, it can be a weird thing. And you can make it real weird without being like a day. Does he have a wife? Just do what he does to his wife and see how he likes it, dude. Hell yeah, tip for tat. What's up? Hey, when your wife comes up, just fucking.

Every time, waiting at her door. Oh, dude, in the mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So scary. Anyway, say hi to your husband. Yeah, a threat. My wife made him tuna. All right.

Excellent. So sexual. All right, so I need you guys to tell me if I'm crazy right now. Am I, M&M. I have had this pet peeve for years. And it's when someone greets you and they say, hey, how you doing? And I say, I'm good. And then they follow it up with, how's your day going?

Oh. Well, you see, now I'm annoyed. Because even though it's different wording, how you doing and how's your day going are the same question. Especially when you first meet someone. Why are you making me answer the same question twice? When you first meet someone, yes. Am I crazy? They are different questions.

No. Let me know. I mean, I agree with them. I do agree with them. But it's more of a colloquialism. But, I mean, I would say. Two in a row, though? It's like, hey, how are you doing?

How's your day going? Hey, how's your day going? How you been? And then, like, just like... No, it's annoying. It's not that annoying, but it is annoying. It's not that annoying because it's a second. But, yes, it is unnecessary.

They never actually mean, tell me how you're doing and then also tell me how your day's going. They never actually mean that. It means the same thing. Which is why is annoyed. Yeah, I get it. So I'm with you. You're not crazy.

That's something I would think of. Aye. Doesn't necessarily bother me I mean it does a little bit I guess But you know I don't know how often that's even happened Yeah I guess I don't either I do I do dislike the

How are you when they don't Clearly don't mean it You know well Because if it's if it's if it's you're meeting someone Hey how are you The answer is just good Because they don't know you and you don't know them And why would you give a fuck

About letting them know how you are Oh right you know well maybe customer service that's kind of just what you got to do sure if it's your job hey how you doing good how you doing good let me get the fucking uh i mean you know let me get a bunch of spaghetti please a little mozzarella hey how you doing good how you doing cool um

four four plants um poor fucking spider plants please yeah sir this is costco well where the fuck are they you hey dude Don't even piss all over this Costco The how's your day going thing

Would piss me off though It's just too specific It's just like you're What are you fucking a cop Yeah Guys some questions What do you even give a shit How are you

One thing but like What the fuck you know? Yeah How you doing? Yeah it's just too specific How you doing good What's in your wardrobe at home? Yeah

What's in your trunk right now Oh um Yeah No it's annoying yeah I'm with you All right nice one hey left line

my wife is never ready to accept the thing that she wants me to hand her so she asks me to pass her phone charger and I got up hand it to her and she has something else in her

hand that she has to put down first and then she has to get comfortable I already we can accept the thing and it only takes a couple seconds yeah yeah yeah maybe whatever uh but be ready yeah i get what you're saying couldn't agree so you when you asked me to hang you the thing you know i'm coming you see me i understand and then i'm approaching you there's be ready to have your hand like this be ready to that's

he's right what we i don't have so i don't have to stand there yeah for three seconds waiting on you no that's horrific no you're not crazy no you're not crazy but you're but but i tell you what also i'll tell you what you're still also wrong and let me tell me tell you you why. Oh, I think you're going to say you're not alone. I can't stand it when somebody fucking hands me something. Just put it where I am. I'll grab it when I'm ready. So just, if she says, hand me that, just go like this, boom, put it next to her. If she's standing up is a different story, right? But if, if she's on a table, just put it on the table, put on the couch, it's just, you don't even have to deal with it. That's the fucking move. It drives me

nuts when people, you know what Kristen always does? Oh, here we go. No, this is crazy. It's deeper. You should go like this. Here. And hand it to me, and you go like this. to go like this? Like you have to like... Yeah, I'm like, baby. How am I supposed to grab that? Like a fucking invalid? Can you pull it back a little bit?

Right, right, right. I have arms. Yeah. Am I a T-Rex? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, dude. Here you go. You're right here.

Oh, and we're in the movies. Thanks. I just think when I ask somebody for something, I'm doing this. I'm doing this already. Can you have me that thing that I'm asking for? You don't ask for it.

And then just like, Dilly Dally Yeah No, he's right Yeah Yeah He's right But you are not

You gotta play You gotta play chess baby She's playing checkers You gotta play chess man Yeah well the truth is To Chris's point She's not gonna stop doing that No that's absolutely true

You know why She's a grown person And a woman I was gonna say Because she's grown A grown person And I was gonna not be sex And say she's a grown person

And grown people don't change And we all know that Right And so that's Especially little things like that People never For a change, dude. That guy's skin was crazy.

You know, he's like 30-something. This guy's skin was crazy, good. Just no rain. He was in really good light. He was sitting in his right light. Okay, true, true. He was in his good light, for sure. I noticed that as well.

But yeah, dude, just put it down next to her if she's not ready for it. And then if she gets mad at, you'd be like, ah, what? You weren't ready. You were holding something else in your hand. I did my best. You didn't grab it. You said, hand me this thing.

I went to and you weren't available to be handed it to you. If you say him in the remote control I go like this. You don't go like that?

No, I'm not, I don't do that. Why? Because it's, I understand it it's more polite to do that. It's not even a... But this is way,

way more polite. You get it when you need it. If you're in the middle of something, ah, cool, that's there. It's a little too far you got to reach for it. Well, that's annoying. You have you a little better.

That's what I'm saying. You never know where it's going to end up. But yeah, just hand stuff to people when they ask for it if it's possible. It makes life easier for everybody, including that guy's wife. Bruce and Matt, Matt and Chris, what's up? Big fan of the show. Chris, my girlfriend, literally has life rips tattoo on her arm, so I think she's your girlfriend now. Matt, I bought her a 101-on-one session a couple years ago for her birthday.

She loved this. She said it was pimping, pimping, pimpin, booyah, and booyahs. Wow, what a good review. Am I the asshole? for getting blood red mad somebody's telling a story complaining whether it's anything small from they stub their toe to their grandma died or whatever sure right range and I'm like oh man I'm sorry that's happened to you I'm sorry you going through that and they say oh it's it's not your fault well that's weird yeah I know I'm I didn't run over your dog no yeah it's a deeper I know it's not my fault

I'm sorry you're going through that the correct answer to me saying oh I'm sorry is no big deal and we move on it's kind of like him passing when you go like hey what's up how's it going and they go well actually i'm having a terrible day it's like no that's not how that works so let me know am i dick um or is it reasonable for me to you kind of right expect somebody there's just be like yeah life sucks and and you move on it's deeper though thanks big fan um i think that uh by the seven-time world's best leisure airline champions, Air Transat. Your business doesn't move in a straight line. Some days bring growth, others bring challenges.

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Canada Life Insurance, investments, advice Yeah You want me to not say something? What? You want me to not say something? No, go ahead, go ahead.

No, not at all. Because you keep moving your leg I want to stop. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, dude, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Yeah. Yeah, dude, nah, you go, hey,

it's not I think you're taking it the wrong way I don't think it's it's not your fault and then you go oh okay because maybe I thought it was

I think it's hey it's not your fault it's like shit happens yeah yeah if you think about it that way I think you'd probably be less mad yeah that's probably the best advice

if we're talking advice that's probably the best advice but yeah it's just it's more of like a colloquialism It's not like the person thinks you're apologizing. That's why I only say, hey, it's not my fault. That's why I only say, hey, you're crazy bitch.

It's not my fault. The reason I pause. My grandma died. Well, it's not my fault. The thing is, if you ask how someone is, it's fucking on your ass to listen. Yeah, true. I don't give a fuck if that's like how you, speaking of colloquialisms, say, hey, how's it going. And if they're doing fucking bad and they answer and they say, actually, I'm doing like shit.

Because this, this and this, that's on me. I asked. If you don't want to fucking know, don't say, how's it going? How have you been? Don't say that shit. Nobody wants to answer it anyway, unless they have some shit to say. So you're fucking yourself. Don't ask.

Just say hi. Just say hey. You're crazy bitch. Kind of weird to just say hi, though. Oh, you don't have to say hi. Yes, I'll just get a bunch of spaghetti. How about this? Hey, what's up?

What's up, man? Oh, hey, what's up? They're not going to be like, actually, I've been. fucking miserable my fucking dad just died that's not what they're gonna say how are you how have you been i came what's been going on i came here to get i came here to get four plants can't get over four plants you know twice you brought it up three times you brought up i came here to get four plants what the fuck is going on uh yeah but no i'm a firm believer and you ask a fucking question and you get an answer that's on you you asked so if somebody so say

how you doing how you doing Not so good, you know. Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that. Bye. The worst. That's how you get out of it. That's how you get out of it. But, I mean, it's still on me.

If you're my friend. If you're my friend. Running red lights. If I say, hey, how are you or how have you been? How's it going? And you're my friend and you say that. I say, well, what's going on? I'll call my friend anymore.

Running red lights. What the fuck? but yeah dude yeah um i don't know man i i yeah what's up how you doing lost you're mine dude just talking to his imaginary friend the way you're looking away too you know i'm thinking if i go to a coffee shop uh-huh and i say hey how you doing I mean, I don't not want to know how the person's doing

Do I really need to know, no? Well, let me tell you something. The person that the coffee bean is not going to be like, hey, well, actually, I'm not doing so great, my dad died. Right. So there's like a spectrum.

Yeah. You can say that to the barista. If you say that to your friend or someone you know and they start opening up, that's on you. Okay, but how annoying is the guy that you don't know, like, you know, in a workplace or whatever

or that you meet a customer or something you say hey how you doing you say good you say but really how you're doing that's crazy that's that's way over the line one that way over the line one time that happened to me and it was the it was such a highlight of my life this is turning that on its ass okay but that was such a highlight of my life okay what happened I was on a plane uh someone who I had never met walked in uh-huh he was Jim Carrey oh okay and he said says hey Chris okay so I go that's fucking awesome first that's already great yeah and then he says I say hey what's going on and he says how you doing I said good and he said but really how you doing and I said I guess I'll let you know when we get there and I'll never forget that because I love him

I mean a scene in madman yeah an actual scene in madman and then I sold him a bunch of chairs so Okay, nice. Like Mad Men. Oh, okay, yeah. It's not what they do in Mad Men, but yeah. They don't produce chairs, but yeah. But they advertise. I was making a nice design to sell him some chairs anyway.

Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it. And then I made a whole ad campaign and I had him buy a bunch of chairs. It's a clunky joke. That's, yeah, it's true, but still. But anyway, that was like really cool, dude. That is cool. I wonder. Did you make him say all righty then for the whole plane?

I wonder, I know, but when we landed, he goes, like a glove. dude i can't i can't uh i can't imagine being jim carrie he's great but i wonder i wonder if after that day jim carrie has ever fucking thought about me yeah he definitely has yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck yeah dude what do you think you thought about what do you think you think is he's like what do you think he's like nah chrythalia nah

he's probably like I already fucking kind of did that dude but nice try no way he thinks that that's hilarious he's just too busy thinking about how life isn't real you know yeah yeah yeah and making bad paintings well sorry

sorry but he might make good paintings but I haven't seen him I've seen hundreds of his bad ones I will say this he might be about life not being real bro oh we talked about this Eddie Bravo okay wanted to do one more before we stop yeah you guys remember when Ron Burgundy was like hey everybody come and look at how good I look that's how I build I'm at my hair right now especially when it blew back to so that's a filter right yeah my hair's better than yours my hair's better than yours well it's different I don't think you can rate on the same scale it's a good color

My hair. My hair. Can't wait to say what I'm going to say, dude. All right. I don't think she's saying anything that he's. Bad to interrupt, so go ahead and say how you rated it. So, just so fucking high. But here's the deal.

No matter how good you look, you look at the video of the picture a fucking year later and you go, what the fuck was I thinking? So, in essence, your hair's bad. In a year, your hair's bad. Right now, your hair's killing it. But in a year, you're going to look at yourself and think, wow. What the fuck was I thinking? Congratulations on your bad hair. Rate it, one.

No, I mean, it's cool. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, it's a good color. What do you mean, rate the body, rated color, rated, you know, length. You had bangs, right? I dislike bangs. You get docked for bangs.

I kind of liked her bangs. I thought it was a little bit that way too much. You get docked for bangs. She just got it done, so maybe that's why it was a little bit that way too much, but you get docked for bangs. It's an eight? If we're doing eight out of ten, I'll give it. an eight you would eight nine it considering what you're saying about the wideness of it and granting her that I'll give it an eight yeah six point five wow

dude what a fucking that's not bad that's not bad that's not bad that's not bad all right I mean five is yeah well then what's six and out well then what's six and out well I mean oh what's an eight hmm what's a ten you can't believe it yeah it's like god the guys got good hair yeah speaking of hair ever since i got my haircut i'm not kidding dozens of men have DMed me asking me what how i have my hair like what i do to what i do to it you don't like talking about your hair so no i don't like people touching my hair you don't like people commenting on your hair your haircut yeah but when they're being really complimentary i don't mind at all sometimes you don't like anything you

can be really complimentary and somebody takes it the wrong way like why you lost a lot of weight somebody goes like i was fat yeah but that's on them okay then i will say you have good hair and you often not now cut it in an unflattering way i don't cut it that's why fine what i'm saying is since i cut it if you were listening but you weren't since i cut my hair i understand dozens of men have been asking me what do i put in it and and i only only only Only I hold that answer. I'm not even going to fucking tell anybody. Only if you DM me.

Okay, I understand that. Coconut oil. That's it. But I'm also saying, if you were somebody that we saw, the joke about you would be like, how much does that guy fucking range so hard from good looking to bad looking when he changes his hair? That would be the thing. No. I think Matt's hair right now is the best it's ever looked for the life of this show.

Let me see. I mean, you basically said as much the other day. I did. so let's see yeah it's jealous you know i mean it's great it's great you know i've had good hair so it's hard yeah no i like my hair now i uh my mommy as we know my mommy cut it and why don't you just go get a haircut bro i don't because i won't go and if she's if i'm at her house and she's like maffy you know if you got your hair cut your hair was you know what i mean

And then I'll be like, all right, fuck it, my hair sucks, cut it. If you, and then she just cuts it. If you went to get your hair cut and you left, you'd be like, holy fucking shit. I'm so hot. I mean, I felt like that after my mommy cut it. You don't know what the true, you don't know the true meaning of how you can feel. Okay. I mean, I've, I've had it cut in my life before.

Yeah, in 1987. No, with you, with your fucking person that cuts your hair, didn't feel that great when I left. felt better when my mommy did it okay so if somebody DMs you you'll tell them what you put no no i it's coke you're busy you wash your hair this is what i do i wash my hair i hate the way my hair feels because it's dry and brittle and clean i don't like the way that feels i immediately put the tiniest amount of coconut oil in it use it to jerk off and then put it in my hair no i just put it directly in my hair there's no jerking off involved and that's it then put the come in the hair yeah like there's something about mary

that's it though yeah and then it doesn't feel like you just washed it but it also doesn't feel like gross because you got a bunch of stuff in it because you don't because it's just coconut oil yeah my hair's all right all right you know you know the older you get it's like I'm just glad to have it you have hair yeah and then also like you know killing it with my macros and stuff so yeah your hair's good yeah and um yeah thanks and then also like You know, in fat, optimal, fat burning zone, but yeah. You are now? Yeah, for the month of October, yeah.

Should we do one more before we stop? No. No, we don't have to. Okay. I don't know how long we've been going, because I think that's wrong. Yeah, maybe a little bit, but whatever. So we're done. This is the end of the episode?

Yeah. Is the end of the line? So unsure. This is at the end of the line? So unsure. Yeah. This is the end of the line, huh? Yeah.

All right. Wanted to use it so bad. It gets $5 every time. All right, thanks guys. Go to Krista.com and come see me. Thank you. Sign up for my Patreon. Patreon.

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