Lifeline - 21. Love Puddle

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

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Starting point is 00:00:19 Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Runk. Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only. If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or licensed professional. Hello? Hello? Please seek a therapist or a licensed professional. Welcome to Lifeline.
Starting point is 00:00:58 We got a special guest today. Look at him. He's right there on the table. Those of you might know him as Butters. Look at that fool. Butters my dog. A lot of people are, you know you know a lot of people are like do you still have your dogs why do they ask you that because i have a son now and i post pictures of him that's that takes up all the cute dude i don't like that when people have kids or something like who cares about the
Starting point is 00:01:17 dogs no i don't it's not who cares about the dogs no you said that i heard you say it i don't think i said that you said who cares about the dogs butters don't do it you have your whole life ahead of you come on come here butters come on um but i don't i don't uh i don't not like my dogs now i just love having chilling on the very edge of the end you can't see him right now he's on the very end so camera shy wow he's gonna chill right there yeah um that's cool man i brought my dog with me this time um well one of them now why'd you only bring the one we want to know i have four it's too many one of them's too big can't bring him i mean i guess i could but i i just one seemed fine and he's also pretty chill he's the one that's gonna not bark too if somebody walks by the door oh yeah he's the second most chill cooper's the most chill cooper's the most
Starting point is 00:01:57 chill and then there's butters that's not so chill and then there's sam and uh chenzo that are just not chill chenzo is just a fucking shooting star he's he's his own man he does whatever the fuck he wants doesn't care about any kind of reprimands he's just gonna do it again he'll do it again i'll he'll go and i'll say quiet and then i'll go and then i'll go yeah right you know what i mean it's like get one little bitch it's like the dude that's just like, all right, well, fine.
Starting point is 00:02:25 Okay then. You know what I mean? And you're like, dude, it's over already. He had to get the last word in. Yeah. Don't,
Starting point is 00:02:31 don't say one more word. And the guy's like, okay. Yeah. And you're like, oh, okay. I wasn't gonna.
Starting point is 00:02:35 Yeah. I wasn't even gonna. So that's okay. Dude. Speaking of dogs. Before we even go though, I got my life. Oh God.
Starting point is 00:02:42 Oh yeah. It's a good reason. Yeah. Okay. Spin move mentality hoodie on. You can get it over at Lifeline. What is it? Lifelinemerch.com.
Starting point is 00:02:51 Or you can go to my website, chrislea.com and make sure that you get that going. So you get your hoodies and spin move mentality. Check that out. Yeah. Spin around and check the spin move out. That's what you do. That's why you do a spin move and then you turn around and they say,
Starting point is 00:03:04 why did this guy? Oh know spin move mentality and that's just the one of the fucking you know that's the way we we live here at lifeline yeah that's that's true uh are you done now because i want to i had something to say i'm going to be in uh atlanta and washington dc and savannah georgia coming up so get tickets at crystalia.com and yes go ahead wow the face you put on when you did that. Like you're Walter fucking Cronkite. And I'll be in Atlanta and Washington, D.C., Savannah, Georgia, and also Peoria,
Starting point is 00:03:38 Illinois. Those are my two cents. Crystalia.com So, speaking of fucking dogs, I love my dog. My dog's Charlie fucking dogs i love my dog my dog's charlie a lot of you learning english my dog is charlie a lot of you might know that no but uh every once in a while she sleeps on the bed because she's a fucking queen and every once in a while rarely but every once in a while she'll jump off the bed in the middle of night what that means is she got to do a root toot toot toot tootie dookie or Vamieville, okay?
Starting point is 00:04:08 Vamieville or root toot tootie dookie. Yeah. Okay, cool. And so under all circumstances, I want her out of the house. Yeah. She knows that. But last night it was so bad, she was just – I couldn't get up fast enough.
Starting point is 00:04:19 I was so out of it. And she was just like running around the whole house. And I was like, where the fuck is she? She's not at the front door. Whoa. Right? So I fucking – I'm out of bed. I'm so out of it and she's just like running around the whole house and i was like where the fuck is she she's not the front door right so i fucking i'm out of bed i'm so out of it like i said i had to fucking i don't have my glasses on i don't have my phone for like a fucking flashlight it's three four a.m i don't even know and i'm just like all right i'm gonna open the front door let her out
Starting point is 00:04:37 front and she'll just shit or vomit right out front okay because she's not the kind of dog that runs away she'll wait for me okay you know so i opened the door Because she's not the kind of dog that runs away. She'll wait for me. Okay. You know? So I open the door, and she's never moved faster. What? She runs out the front door, dude. Maybe she had a dream. Okay.
Starting point is 00:04:54 So she runs out the front door, and I'm like, fuck, I need to get my glasses. I need to get my glasses, and I don't have a fucking, my phone for a flashlight. So I run back in,
Starting point is 00:05:01 get my glasses, get my phone for a flashlight no fucking charlie out front there's just she's gone there's no dog out front where am i and at this point you're like where my dog's at where my where my dog at right yeah don't you don't need to correct it it was a joke and it's fine i did i did at this point like where's my dog so she's not there she doesn't have her collar on i can't hear her anyway she's not fucking there dude and you're like but you're like where my dog's at but you're also like who let the dogs out right well i knew who that you knew who let the dogs out but anyway so i wasn't asking so two
Starting point is 00:05:32 dogs that wasn't my line of inquiry my line of inquiry was where the fuck is charlie so i'm looking up and down the block nothing dude what i'm like holy shit and i'm like am i having a fucking nightmare yeah sometimes i have really real nightmares it was the only time in my life i did that thing where like people were like i had to pinch myself right right i really had to like wonder like what the fuck's going on what the fuck you're doing and uh what's up dude and uh dude i run i'm like holy shit now i'm panicking right yeah so i get i have no shoes on i run down the backyard yeah there's a ton of dirt like were you being so big i bet you're being so big piece of property i for sure was i was like
Starting point is 00:06:08 charlie you know from 227 and i was charlie tiptoeing around and shit you know because i didn't have shoes on and she's not in the back either then i come back to the front she's not in the fucking front and i'm like dude i see coyotes all the time she was eaten by a coyote the last thing i ever saw exactly that was the only thing i could think of like i would have heard the chaos so finally i'm gonna run back in the house get my car keys to drive around jesus and as i'm at the front door i hear her little tip tap on the concrete outside the hedges of my house she had run up to the bottom of the hill where the coyotes basically live taking a big fat dookie dookie kooka rookie and fucking just shit it up i saw it this morning it was like a trail of shit and uh and that's my story dude
Starting point is 00:06:51 you're just like well that's crazy your dog literally woke up and was like fuck these coyotes and where they live yeah i'm gonna shit all over their area open the door boom it was running it was like born free and then fucking goes up there takes a look up the hill and just goes yeah dude and then goes yeah and fuck y'all and needed to do it at like three in the fucking am anyway i'm happy i got my fucking box from god bless whoever hating on me they gave me a t-shirt too they got me this hat and then i got the old hat of course because i came prepared the thing in it uh what the thing on the inside i think you still have okay well i wanted it why do you want the thing and it makes it more boxy i didn't oh you have the thing the cardboard i didn't want it okay but you said you i meant to do it but i would show everyone okay that thing into like a fucking i didn't know
Starting point is 00:07:32 i just got it okay it was a fucking care package anyway look how fucking way better like that pimping i am can i see what it looks like on me yeah good day sir well your head our heads are the same size yay don't look good in hats that's that's the question do you look good in hats no wow i looked over and chris marco was going like this so don't look good nobody knows but it's and but it's okay dude whatever i don't need hats you know why what's that because i don't need to cover the top of my head because i'm not jewish well only for jews religiously you don't need to come you're jewish that thing. Well, that has nothing to do with anything, but I'm not sure. Our grandma was maybe Jewish. She was adopted.
Starting point is 00:08:08 We don't know, and we'll never know. So here we go, dude. We're going to be going on to the- We're going to be doing Lifeline Show right now. I mean- You did your thing. We're going to be doing Lifeline Show. We don't know if our grandma's Jewish or not because she was adopted, we think.
Starting point is 00:08:20 The facts are still out there, and we'll never know because it was too long ago. Okay, but Jewish is a religion, but anyway, keep going. What's that? Jewish is a religion. I know. Why is Butters on the desk but not on camera come here buddy butters come on come here come here come here yeah yeah oh likes me more good boy good boy good boy always do what i say so um all right well let's do it uh let's get into it let's get into it let's get involved okay what's your chicken balls. Okay. What's your chick involved? I was just going to say that. Hey, what's going on, Chris? What's up, Matt? So Seth here out of Washington.
Starting point is 00:08:48 I'm 22 years old, and for the past five years, I've been dealing with this condition on my lips called exfoliative chelitis. I can't tell right now, but it's a cycle of excessive peeling on the lips. It gets pretty bad. I've let it get in between me and relationships and work in the past i'm starting to come to terms with it now since i have tried dermatologists all their recommendations no remedy solved it no steroids no antifungal creams i even did a yeast infection cycle treatment that didn't fix it either and i'm starting to come to terms with it i still could use a little bit of help on how to kind of accept it more be less ashamed of it
Starting point is 00:09:35 maybe you guys have something similar but i love y'all i appreciate y'all and i look forward to the day your dad's on the podcast because all three y'all's advice man appreciate you buddy appreciate you buddy don't worry about your lips worry about your ceiling it's super weird so um well i think that uh get the fucking black phone mask have you seen black phone i haven't seen it hooks around his ears and it's like this that would be scary though you don't want to scare people out in the world. Well, but bro, at least they go like this. Oh, oh, fuck yeah. Oh, you must be a big Black Phone fan.
Starting point is 00:10:08 Or oh, oh my God, you must be a big Ethan Hawke fan. But you won't be like, what's going on with his lips? That's way better. Right. So either get that mask or the fucking huge one with the dick nose on the, what's the Tom Cruise movie with Nicole Kidman? Eyes Wide Shut? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:23 Oh, oh, The Black Death. And get a big cape and walk around and bring one of those boom boxes that just goes, Omni, lioni, omni, lioni, lioni. Why did you do Gregorian chant like it was like a twangy deliverance thing? No, no, no. But that's what the Gregorian chant is. No, Gregorian chant sounds like a Gregorian chant. Not like it's from deliverance, but also a Gregorian chant.
Starting point is 00:10:43 No way. Omni, lioni, lioni, lioni. But that's not what I'm doing. That's what it sounds like a Gregorian chant, not like it's from Deliverance, but also a Gregorian chant. No way. But that's not what I'm doing. That's what it sounds like. I'm not doing quick notes. I'm going, with the huge dick nose. Oh, okay. Blocking his chapped lips.
Starting point is 00:10:58 And then also, turning people on, you might get a chick like that. Have we talked, I mean, you're going to get so mad, but have we talked about what those masks were really for to begin with why they exist to keep people away from you no during the black death the plague the bubonic plague when all the bodies would pile
Starting point is 00:11:14 up in the middle of town or in the houses like one out of two people were basically fucking dying non-stop rotting flesh was everywhere the only way people could get rid of the scent was to wear masks like that and stuff them full of like flowers and fruit so that the scent from this big dick nose thing could overpower the scent of all the rotting flesh around them. I know that. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Well, why'd you let me tell you? Also, so didn't fucking know the look on your face. That's not how people react when they know. In the tutors, they walk around the fucking guy. All of your knowledge is now based on what happens in the tutors sam neill does it dude sam neill sam neill's in the tutors sam neill's in the beginning of it and he's the fucking uh the the um not the pope but the way they call it the cardinal yeah and he and he walks around with like a handkerchief and he's just like when he's all around the poor people and he's just like yes yeah so we need to cross we need to make these laws yes the church and the state should not join yes
Starting point is 00:12:03 he says we need to do this it's separate and then people are talking you know oh fucking walkie talkie yes yes the church and the state is habit we need to make these a lot we need to put those laws into effect you know what i would do dude i wouldn't have one of those big dick noses with the high ass collars because also you keep the you keep the fucking scent coming from you with the high collars and the and the dick nose right and i wouldn't use flowers i would have this like this i would just be walking around like that because coffee smells amazing okay but it was oh it would overpower that you had to like trap they just stick flowers in the nose why don't they just i guess it wasn't enough dude i don't
Starting point is 00:12:39 know and breathe it through the mouth i mean mean, it tasted bad probably. It was so overpowering apparently. I mean, dead bodies everywhere, rotting flesh all over. I don't think that we can imagine what that might be like. I think they knew what they were doing. I don't think that was their first idea. Oh, it smells bad. Oh, I got a good idea. Make a thing that looks like I got a big dick on my nose
Starting point is 00:12:58 and stuff it with flowers and fruit and rose water. Okay. They go like this. Oh man, it smells so bad out here. They go, are you thinking what I'm thinking? And they go like this. Dick nose masks together. Mom, nil, lal, cut to them.
Starting point is 00:13:09 Nom, nil, lal, nil, lal, lal, lal, nil, nil, lal, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, nil, n They're dying or ronking. Just, and then some people, and then some people while they're, so many sounds, dude, Pablo Francisco.
Starting point is 00:13:33 But what about the guy, dude? What about the guy? Get one of those masks. Get a mask. I mean, for real though, he said he's on his way to coming into terms with it.
Starting point is 00:13:41 And I think whatever you're doing that is helping you come to terms with it, keep doing that. And then you will become pimping, pimping. And when you're pimping is helping you come to terms with it keep doing that and then you will become pimping pimping and when you're pimping pimping everyone will not even notice because your energy will be that of someone at peace i mean pimping pimping right so once you're at peace the energy off of you will counterbalance whatever you're worried about on your face like if that's the thing though like true when people here's the thing when i was young i went to school with um an albino kid and uh at first he was when we were really young he was like real embarrassed of it and it made it didn't make the kids make fun of him it obviously wasn't the kid's
Starting point is 00:14:19 fault that he got made fun of but like it i think it exacerbated the issue because once he kind of got a little older he started to get like more bold about it yeah and then the kids stopped not only making fun of him but like it almost like it seemed like he stopped noticing that he was yeah yeah i'm the albano guy deal with it right pretty much yeah and so uh if you can get to that kind of headspace about your lips i'm sure it's i'm sure it's not as bad as you see when you look in the mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is always how it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. When you got bad shit.
Starting point is 00:14:49 I mean, when I was younger, I had pretty bad acne for like a year. And dude, I would always be like, fuck, everyone's going to see this. And then I would talk about it to mom, and mom would be like, where? Where is the? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Our mother's blind, but yeah. All right, cool. Well, that's good. Yeah yeah or you could just go get a suntan suntan all the time and then be peeling all the time and they won't think it's just true make it blend in yeah yeah all right let's do it dude
Starting point is 00:15:14 next one out of gun range hey man chris yeah my question today has to do with navigating sibling relationships in adulthood. So serious, but I feel like you guys are uniquely qualified to answer. I'm 30. My brother's two and a half years older. I'm definitely more of the bat in this dynamic, you know, meaning like I definitely have the better singing voice. He has three sons, so he's raising like three kids. He's got a lot going on.
Starting point is 00:15:47 And I'm well aware he like doesn't have a lot of time. And like, I don't want to eat into like the little amount of time he has. But with that being said, I'm also very interested in maybe like nurturing like a newfound like relationship at this point in our lives we aren't I wouldn't describe our relationship as very close but you know we're fellow travelers we like it's all love so yeah how does the how does the relationship between you two work like how do you guys navigate that? And any suggestions would be great. So, yeah. Thank you for taking my question.
Starting point is 00:16:27 And thanks for the show. Why don't you show interest in his family and, like, be like, let's, you know what I mean? Like, I'm anti so-and-so. Like, let's all hang out. Their auntie wants to see them, you know? Oh, auntie. I thought you were saying anti, like, negative. No, no.
Starting point is 00:16:40 I'm anti you. I won't hang out with you. I'm anti children. Auntie. Auntie. Auntie? Auntie. Yeah, you know, like, auntie. I'm anti-you. I won't hang out with you. I'm anti-children. Auntie. Yeah, no, auntie. Auntie? Auntie.
Starting point is 00:16:48 Yeah, you know, like auntie. Yeah, exactly. I mean, she says they're not super close, so maybe make more of an effort to try and be, spend time with him. I mean, look, they are your nieces and nephews, right? Is that what it is? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:01 Of course. I mean, just basically, of course. I only know brother sister mother father and beyond that uncle aunt and then beyond that i kind of don't really know oh niece or nephew then you're stupid but i i know if i think about it but like brother bam i know that like if you're like if you're like yeah if somebody's like oh my niece and you're like so wait your mom you're you're and then who because it could also be somebody you married this person or that or your brother's you know what i mean yeah but basically you're one of those kids that's like oh i'm so good at addition and subtraction but like multiplication's hard like everyone's good at addition and subtraction because yeah it's so
Starting point is 00:17:38 fucking easy yeah i'm not good at uh addition and subtraction, well then you're an even bigger idiot than I realized. It's all good. I think that I think that, yeah, that's the thing. Well, they said they're not super close. Why don't you, since he has limited time, try and include yourself into things that he's doing in the beginning? Because it sounds like you're interested in it. I don't know if he's interested in it or not,
Starting point is 00:18:00 but you are their auntie. And so why don't you try and be like, hey, if you guys are going to lunch or dinner i'd like to go with you guys or whatever i'll take out i don't know what your fucking skrilla situation is but like you know what i mean let's let's try and like build a relationship this or like do they have sports practices games that they go to make a sign let me know what their schedule is i would love to come and like put in some quality time yeah take them out i'm your auntie go you. You're my,
Starting point is 00:18:25 I think niece and nephew maybe. Oh, wow. It doesn't know, you know, but he's definitely my brother. Pizza after the game. Right.
Starting point is 00:18:32 Yeah. There you go. Round table pizza. You know? Yep. Yeah. That's, I think that's the way to do it.
Starting point is 00:18:39 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, dude,
Starting point is 00:18:41 that was good advice. I give good advice. Okay. Well, don't like, you know, this is episode fucking 21 or whatever. I know. And That was good advice. I give good advice. Okay. Well, don't like, you know, this is episode fucking 21 or whatever. I know, and I often give good advice.
Starting point is 00:18:47 I'm so surprised when you give good advice. Okay. Next one. Hey, Chris and Matt. My name is Jason. I'm 27. I'm currently a student at San Francisco State University. Serial killer.
Starting point is 00:19:00 I'm on campus a lot, walking around, and I get approached by a Christian group who is trying to recruit me or something. They keep asking me if I want to do a Bible study. And, you know, I've been polite to say, no, thank you. I'm not interested. But I've been kind of wanting to respond in a funnier way and maybe tell them that I can't make it because i'm on my way to a blood sacrifice to worship satan or just maybe just reply hail satan and walk away right um you know but i don't know if that'd be appropriate or polite you know anyways i just want to know what you guys would do would you continue trying to be polite it happens like every time i'm on campus and it's
Starting point is 00:19:41 really annoying um or would you you know respond with some comedy and just do something that makes makes you laugh they probably wouldn't laugh they'd probably be yeah upset about it so it wouldn't be nice but it'd be funny anyways just thought i'd throw that out there appreciate you guys love the work you do keep it up thanks what's up with uh he goes to a like a religious school is that what is? I don't think that's what he said, no. Oh, then that's even more annoying. Yeah, they're just there. I think he's at a school because it's like prime candidates, young, vulnerable people, just like cults.
Starting point is 00:20:12 Yes, dude. But I think the thing to do to save yourself time, but also get that sort of like comedy thing that at least what being funny provides, you can still get the same thing if like, say they approach you and you know they're coming you know what they're going to say just keep walking but as you keep walking just say nope nope nope nope nope nope that's a very mad thing to do yeah or be like how about you don't be religious you join my side right yeah i hey here's a no make pamphlets that's a good idea not not religious this like you know what i mean yeah like you make up your own religion or you know the non-religion here you go join my fucking
Starting point is 00:20:52 religion yeah yeah make your own really here's join my fucking religion yeah well but haha well you're doing why because i'm already okay so i'm already okay so didn't say any nouns we're both already didn't say any nouns do're both already didn't say any nouns do you know i mean but that's so annoying i mean that's the most annoying thing yeah that's i'm glad you asked dude i've been wanting to talk to you about the church of guy who touches his hat too much yeah that's who he was yeah would you like a would you like a ball cap yeah yeah you know how jews wear yarmulkes brought it up twice maybe chris chris and matt's grandma was jewish we don't know because she was adopted brought up three times
Starting point is 00:21:29 um yeah i think you can look they're approaching you about their religion religion at least used to be one of the most private things in the fucking world now people talk about their religion in politics like it's their fucking favorite kind of juice or meal, lunchtime meal. When did religion – when was it the most private thing in the world though? Because on the Tudors – It used to be really – two things you don't ask about was your religion and your politics. When? I don't mean like in fucking 1400s.
Starting point is 00:21:55 Because in the 1400s, this shit was really, really prevalent and everyone knew who everyone was. Because everyone was one thing or else you would be killed. You'd either basically be wearing crosses or have no head. Right, exactly. when it was one thing or else you would be killed dead or you'd either basically be wearing crosses or have no head right so they'd be like oh you've got a cross so you're catholic or you're christian or oh that guy's got no head so he must have been a jew or something or something yeah yeah uh well luckily we don't live then but no i mean like in the 50s and before like right it was impolite the 1950s assume you would get an answer when you ask somebody what their fucking religious beliefs were. And there's something to that. It seems so bold to expect other people to openly talk about their religion or politics for that matter.
Starting point is 00:22:35 Yeah. But I think you can... So they come up to you politely, but what they're doing is rude. Yeah. So you can be as rude as you want. It doesn't matter how polite they come. Yeah. It's like being nice when you're stabbing someone you're still stabbing them so when uh but yeah be as rude as you want nice to meet you and being rude to someone like that is funny so you get a little bit of a dummy double whammy um oh here's another good one
Starting point is 00:23:02 hey uh i'd like to talk to you about it to try and convert you to my religion oh are oh are we gonna fuck whoa that seems okay keep going we're getting married oh my god okay are we getting oh right dude right we're getting married right and then they say no you say then what the fuck does my religion have to do with you okay it's a bit of a stretch but i still like what you're doing spin around and then you show them that spin move mentality hoodie knew that was coming well we're predictable but mostly it's it's good that we have the spin move now people can get the hoodie to have the the words on their body backing up that's so inciting with the action that's great i never really realized that have you
Starting point is 00:23:45 thought about design baby all my design dude i'm very creative okay all right let's go to the next one what's up man chris this is brady coming to you live from my stinking community college in keller texas and i of course i got that the old von hitter nice you know me that's two years in the making i'm real terrible it's only one but um. Two years in the making. I'm just kidding. There's only one. Joked on us. So I'm just a broke college kid about to transfer over to Texas Tech. You know me. And I just need some advice on how to save money and not necessarily
Starting point is 00:24:16 spend it because a couple weeks ago me and my dad had a budget and we made it for my cost to live there including the house that I'm going to get. And it's rounding 30 grand a year just to live there for one year. And just looking at that number is just bewildering to me. So if y'all could give me any advice, be much appreciated.
Starting point is 00:24:39 Sore. Yeah. Oh, I got it. I got it. Get a fucking job. Well, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:44 I mean, like, that's how people make money. Like, what do you mean? Ah, shit ah shit how do i make money i don't know how to make 30 grand a year what do i do get a fucking job yeah sign up for something well no that doesn't do it you sign up for a job softball you don't get it no i know but i'm just you know being cute with it but yeah yeah get a job sign up for something i mean you can also i'm not recommending this at all, but you could become a criminal, like a bank robber. No, don't do that. Before you do that, be a gigolo.
Starting point is 00:25:08 I already said don't do it. I'm just saying you can do it. Before you do that, be a gigolo. People probably make a lot of money being a gigolo. The old housewives with that fucking, you know what I mean? The hair in the back with the housewives just being like this. Or one of those guys who, you know what I mean, dances and they have the towel like this. And the party's like, go, go. What's happening behind the behind the towel and he secretly is like you can suck it if you want yeah
Starting point is 00:25:28 right right right they do that dude i've seen they got those porns they've got those porns yeah i've seen those porns too you remember big sausage pizza you asked me that the other day and i was like what the fuck you talking about yeah google big sausage pizza big sausage of course i remember big sausage pizza they would put their penis so so disgusting well who watches somebody get hard from that but who watches the fun porn who wants it's the goofy porn the goofy porn like who's watching the family guy you know what i mean with the like with lois lois with her tits out and shit i know dude like but they they the guy would come over and he'd be like pizza and it was so obvious because the pizza would be like this like run his waist with and then she's like oh thanks it was late
Starting point is 00:26:09 though come let me get the money and he's like and he opens it up and his fucking penis is just out of the center of the fucking you know big fat fucking sausage just like right in the middle outside of the pepperoni pizza dude and. And then she would suck it. Yeah, that's not how that would go down in real life. It would be so smelly and cheesy, dude. You know what you need? You're eating the cheese dick. The fucking rose water and om-neal-om-neal.
Starting point is 00:26:37 What it obviously should be is that you open the box, there's no pizza in it. It's disgusting to get like tomato sauce on your cock yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you just gotta you just gotta yeah just that fucking tomato sauce on your cock and stein know what's best though don't do that at all and just have the show up and fuck oh interesting yeah because never i never wanted the food thing with the sex food was sex in general like nine and a half weeks with the whole mickey roark kid mason your thing was like supposed to be so sexy and then i watched it i was like he's fucking eating strawberries off her stomach what the fuck is this yeah so many
Starting point is 00:27:12 sensations sex stop eating yeah get a plate have sex stop eating so fat you know you know i mean just be so disgusting just don't like also too many sensations at once right yeah yeah yeah um yeah so this guy get a job dude definitely 30 grand what he's saying it's 30 grand a year to live that's what he said that's so expensive where he said he was in some podunk place right where is he if it's 12 months that's divided by that's like two that's not that i mean that's kind of how much stuff costs yeah i mean if you're in a city that costs a lot, like where we are, shit costs an outrageous amount. That's about what he was talking about.
Starting point is 00:27:49 But he said somewhere in Texas. Where was this? Yeah, true. That's true. Texas Tech. That shouldn't be that expensive. It's not. Where is Texas Tech?
Starting point is 00:27:55 Is that near Austin? If it's near Austin, he's fucked. I don't think it's near Austin. If it is. I mean, I guess college towns are a bit more expensive. Yeah. Damn. It's a lot of money.
Starting point is 00:28:02 30 grand a year to live. Yeah, but get a job and then also do a fucking night hustle. what like american gigolo or like still on the gigolo yeah like you know they're coming out with that fucking new remake american gigolo it's funny about that i love bernthal but like he's not fucking sexy how why that's a good point i mean he's sexy in a way yeah in a way but he's not like when you order If I was going to do it, it would be fantastic. When you order a gigolo, you want richer gear. That's why the movie works. Righter me.
Starting point is 00:28:30 Oops. Yeah, I could do it. So you think, yeah, you're right. You're right. It's like he's too niche. He is sexy, though. To some women, he's very sexy. He is an attractive guy.
Starting point is 00:28:42 Don't get me wrong. Yeah. I actually really am a huge fan of his. And I do think he's handsome. But a gigolo? Richer gear shit, dude? guy don't get me wrong yeah i actually really am a huge fan of his yeah and i do think he's handsome but a gigolo richard gear shit dude i don't think so i get what you're saying i don't think you're thinking more of like a year rupert everett would be that even though he is obviously gay but richard gear me no someone else like that you know what i mean uh on that level remember that remember my friend who when we saw, this was fucking 20 years ago, we met this girl together and he was like,
Starting point is 00:29:07 you could tell she was single. And I was like, why? And he said, because the way she was talking to us or me or whatever. I'll never forget that, dude. And I was driving and I go, oh. Well, that's pretty incredible. But in his defense, he looked,
Starting point is 00:29:20 couldn't have looked more like Tom Cruise. He did look like Tom Cruise. And that's not like, oh, ha ha, my friend looks like so-and-so, you got to see him. This was like, he looked exactly like Tom Cruise. He looked so much like Tom Cruise, like if there were Japanese tourists around,
Starting point is 00:29:34 they'd be like, and start taking pictures of him, dude. Tom Cruise, you know, in the middle. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Of all movies, you know.
Starting point is 00:29:57 Of all fucking time. All right. All right. Next one. Hiding. all right all right next one yo chris matt what's up boys hope you guys are doing well directing traffic this is andy and i'm calling for some advice on this situation that i'm in so i did this girl for like six years um and i had a homie who was like my friend for like 12 years it's like one of those friends that like in you know like at points you guys were best friends and then you spread apart and then oh that's your best friends whatever so whatever dated this girl for six years we didn't work out i was toxic as fuck whatever um and then after whatever we broke up they're now dating uh um oh we know it right so and i'm
Starting point is 00:30:51 asking for advice not on whether or not it's right or wrong because actually i don't care that they're dating um look at the girl oh oh look at the girl he's gone now i believe him i'm calling because um is it wrong of me if i were to ever come across this guy to slap the dog shit out of him i don't care he said whether or not like you can do whatever the fuck you want to you know who cares but like i think there's a level of respect that is betrayed when you do something like that like you know we're not we're not in the fucking we're not in 10th grade you know like we're grown-ups we're not 10th grade so i should just like beat them up if you do some grown-up shit that's uh disrespectful you get your shit slapped for it you know what i'm saying so i don't know what you think am i wrong for slapping this dude
Starting point is 00:31:42 if i come across him i mean this guy dude this is one of my favorite ones we ever got just fucking last week a buddy of mine whose girlfriend recently broke up with him found out accidentally that he him and his girlfriend were together for 15 years he was living they together they were living with a roommate okay who was like a friend of theirs and he found out after she broke up with him and didn't say anything
Starting point is 00:32:09 about this yeah that they were fucking under his nose in his house for like who knows up to a year or whatever
Starting point is 00:32:16 and now they're gonna move in with each other all the while the guy still lives with the fucking girl the guy still lives with my friend the woman moved out
Starting point is 00:32:24 but the guy still had been his friend. The woman moved out. But the guy's still been his shoulder to cry on and shit until the other day when he found out. Yeah, dude, just evil shit. But that guy didn't beat up the guy. So, I mean, that's much worse
Starting point is 00:32:35 than what this guy's fucking dealing with. I mean, dude, you just got to let it. You got to let... This guy's like, I don't care, but should I just, you know... Look, everything's cool.
Starting point is 00:32:43 I don't care. I'm fine. I'm well past it. Everything's cool i don't care i'm fine i'm well past it everything's cool i'm gonna be a bigger person should i blow up this guy's house with his family in it like you just knew it was yeah yeah guitar licks just just don't do that okay let it go it's all good they both did you a fucking favor and just fucking you know also it's after like they weren't cheating yeah it's after right i mean it's still annoying if it was his friend you know but of course you don't beat someone up if you beat yeah then you're kind of being a bitch bro don't do that beat someone up don't beat someone he's like you know we're not in high
Starting point is 00:33:20 school anymore if you're not high school anymore then just be an adult about it and be like you know what fuck them and also what do you think was gonna happen you know what i mean like that's what happens i've said this about i'll say this about everything like this all the time the best way to quote get back at someone for that shit is to not give a fuck about it live and live the best outwardly you don't give a fuck about it and then soon after that inward because you see the results of outwardly not giving a fuck about it and then soon after that inward because you see the results of outwardly not giving a fuck about it you will also on the inside not give a fuck about it it's kind of like the fake it till you make it thing don't give a fuck about it that is
Starting point is 00:33:54 the best fucking revenge because then you're telling them you guys don't fucking matter yeah i don't even give a shit about you i don't even remember who are you who is this fucking person yeah yeah are we dated no we didn't i don't know who you are also what if you lose the fight right that's not good at all you know i mean then he took the girl and you got your fucking ass kicked just don't it's just there's too many variables like also what if you get he they fucking calls the police that's the big thing like what if you really fuck him up you get a suit like you don't manslaughter dude i mean curb stomp him right i just think there's too many things that could go wrong plus it's not a good look after that you know 30 like a fucking month six months a year the as time goes on you're gonna less and
Starting point is 00:34:35 less like the fact that you did that yes oh totally just a hundred percent you're gonna be 60 and you're talking to your kids like you know you know, your father regrets something. Yes, exactly. Yeah. I need to get it off my chest. I don't know why you'd be Morgan Freeman when you grew up, but yeah, that's cool. All right. Next one. Don't do it. Don't fight. No fighting. Don't do it. No fighting. Hey guys, I have an advice question for you. Someone on Guess Who?
Starting point is 00:34:57 I have an eight-year-old daughter and my fiance is an amazing, you know, going to be an amazing stepdad. They get along great and he's so good to her. My fiancé and I have talked about if we should have a kid of our own. The problem that I see with that is that I'm about to turn 35. I worry that maybe I'm just a little bit too old. I don't know. I see women doing it all the time now over 35. Am I too old and i don't know i mean i see women doing it all the time now over 35 so am i too old or is it okay to you know still try to have another one because pregnancy gets a little dicey after 35
Starting point is 00:35:34 so yay or nay pregnancy but it's not really after 35 it's not really that you're not that old you're talking you're 45 you're good honestly i was just gonna say this i have a really good friend his sister at 45 with no help of any kind of outside thing she just got naturally pregnant had a natural pregnancy and the baby turned out fully fucking healthy with no fucking complications 45 years old that's 10 years older than this woman i'm not saying every woman can do that, but dude, 35, you're good. That's just at the very beginning of the time when they say you really should start thinking
Starting point is 00:36:11 about hurrying up this process. Yeah, also, what do you think your life looks like in 10 years? Imagine that. What do you want? And then also, also, you could try and let Jesus Christ sort it out.
Starting point is 00:36:24 Right. I mean, that's the other thing you don't need. I'll tell you what. Let him splurge. Let him splurge. Let Jesus Christ figure it out. The fact that she's even asking makes me think she doesn't want to,
Starting point is 00:36:34 because it's such, to me, it's such an obvious, yeah, give it a shot. That it's almost like if she's coming to us for advice, it's like, no,
Starting point is 00:36:41 I think she, I said it though. Yeah. But it seems like, it seems like she's actually wants to be talked into it to me well then she should then take it take our advice absolutely do it let him splurge let him splurge let the lord figure it out too okay yeah right you know what they say let him sport and let the lord figure it out yep just be like huh well let jesus figure it out constipated oh that's what did you go like
Starting point is 00:37:05 that could you agree yeah oh i had no idea i asked him that he goes like this yeah i don't know so what you're just giving thumbs up over there fucking our producer chris was like and i'm like why'd you do that because you agree he goes he literally goes i wanted to move on yeah yeah yeah yeah you want to move on dude this is the fucking questions you gave us. We spent time on it. All right. So maybe he's got a hot one coming up. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's go.
Starting point is 00:37:29 Next one. Hey, man. Should I eat chocolate? Hey, Chris. My girlfriend's mother recently had her birthday. I'm going to walk away for this one. Hey, Chris. Worst.
Starting point is 00:37:38 Dude, those gamer chairs. Is he a fucking fighter pilot? No, no, no. Those gamer chairs. That's a fucking chair you use to like do do video games if you're sitting at a computer hey guy be the dork you are yeah get a bullshit chair that sucks put a folding chair out there what do you it's like you ripped that out of a lamborghini dude but isn't that the dorkiest thing possible yeah yeah yes but it's like i'll show these guys i'll show these
Starting point is 00:38:05 guys you know this is actually from a huracan right i don't know what the huracan or whatever the fuck it's a lamborghini seat oh okay all right let's do it do it he's got a brixton shirt though my girlfriend's mother recently had her birthday and i wished her happy birthday and she uh she's clearly flattered but she's asking if I could hang out with her. Now, I don't know if I should or not. I left her on read because I'm a savage, but the door's not closed. Should I do it or not?
Starting point is 00:38:34 Do what? Hang out with his girlfriend's mom? Yeah, absolutely not. You like gamer chairs? It's hilarious. Are you out of your shit? You need advice on that? Fucking don't hang out
Starting point is 00:38:46 with her ah you fucking idiot well his girlfriend i hey guy you gotta ruin your relationship even sending this video in yeah it was a bad idea to do that dude what are you talking about man hey guy you're young so we'll let you slide yeah but also he's like it's so he like he was he literally was signed in on the sign-in playstation thing and then was like hold on real quick yo dude lifeline like the guy's priorities are there's actually a guy in the room with i know fun of him for saying mother i he what he made fun of him for saying mother instead of mom wow he goes mother wow like they're beavers and butthead up in there hey chris my girlfriend's mother recently had her birthday and i wished her happy birthday and she uh she's clearly flattered but she's asking if i could hang out with her now i don't know if i should or not i left her on red because i'm a savage i'm sorry happy birthday thank you
Starting point is 00:39:44 want to hang out should i do it or not what the fuck is that that's not how it went down i left her on red because i'm a savage not savage so savage dude i mean dude this is he's leaving some major shit out the set the exchange totally was like happy birthday and then thank you do you want to hang out no definitely said happy birthday and then thank you. Do you want to hang out? No, definitely said happy birthday. You look great for your age. What's your secret or some shit? She's like, oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:40:11 That's the savagery right there. Yeah, savage. Left her on read because I'm a savage. Probably respond to her later. So I won't be savage anymore. But I mean, dude, I just this is a such a this is your girlfriend. Yes. If you love her, don't do it. Also, just don't do it. It'll make your life complicated. This is your girlfriend yes if you love her don't do it also just don't do it it'll make your life complicated this is your girlfriend if you love her don't fuck her mom yeah you know
Starting point is 00:40:31 that's that age old adage yeah don't fuck your girlfriend's mom that's the 11th commandment yeah yeah moses left that one out when it was you had just like we don't they know this he had the two uh tablets it was actually three he just dropped one yeah yeah like that that's a mel brooks movie right yeah history of the world part one no it's he goes like this he goes i got 11 commandments and then they go and then jesus christ says now we know that last one nobody would be stupid enough to do that and he's like what about number 12 about the gamer chairs and he says nobody would be stupid enough to be either those take those off and that's who you are dude yep that's who you are you're the guy that moses didn't think existed because you'd have to be so fucking that's 100 right dude wow all right
Starting point is 00:41:14 you good yeah all right cool what's up chris um and your brother or whatever um my name is jan i'm a big fan um of chris um but my problem is i need to stop drinking i think like whenever i'm drunk the right side of my like abdomen hurts so i think my liver is having issues um but i'm just such a better person when i'm drunk like everybody likes me more girls like me more i'm funnier um i do stand up and the best set I've ever done, I was blackout drunk. So I just feel like if I commit to a fast life and drink, you know, more, I'm going to have more success, you know, career wise and also just beautiful women. So, but if I, you know, stay sober, then, you know, be more mellow and like serious, I guess, but I'll live longer. I don't know. Let me know what you serious i guess but i'll live longer i don't know
Starting point is 00:42:05 um let me know what you guys think i've tried switching my drugs up to give my liver a break but nothing hits the same as alcohol so um yeah appreciate any advice and uh i'm in la if you guys ever need an intern or anything let me know yeah he sounds like a good guy to have as an intern yeah dude i couldn't tell if he was joking i don't know if you're joking or not but let's take it serious since you actually asked uh your're sounds like i'm no therapist but like you're compartmentalizing and shit i mean i was waiting for him to be like yeah i mean i i don't know maybe he's joking but that's kind of like hey lola put it this way he he's definitely not joking about what's happening he does probably do that you know he does probably drink a lot
Starting point is 00:42:42 yeah but stop your liver hurts right yeah but we don't know if that is connected with the drinking though i would i would you don't know eventually take a break see what happens take a week break if your liver stops hurting it's the fucking alcohol just go to the doctor too yeah if it persists i mean i fucking know how the hell if i know but like uh it sounds like you're uh compartmentizing, man, and you're making excuses to kind of keep feeding your addiction. And you're calling in here maybe for some advice or maybe just to be silly. But either way, honestly, it sounds like it might be a problem.
Starting point is 00:43:18 And, of course, your best set was when you were drunk because people were laughing that you were drunk. But that doesn't make you a good comedian. That makes you a funny drunk. Which a lot of people are it's not unique yeah yeah so it's way harder to be a good comedian bro and if you really want to be a comedian then clean that shit up and work hard at being a comedian um and get your shit in check also if you do stand-up and you are great when you're blackout drunk what are you gonna do get blackout drunk every time you go up on stage well that's what i'm saying about living fast and shit but here's the other thing
Starting point is 00:43:46 too dude people romanticize that yes man if you were to go back and ask everybody who fucking died at 40 or whatever uh was that fast life worth it they're dead so they can't answer but if they could they'd say fucking no man you want to see your daughters grow up your fucking sons grow up you want to see your your fan you you don't want to die before your fucking mom and dad. This sucks, man. Like addiction is hard as fuck. Fuck, I'm actually. Just stop drinking too much and stop knowing it's hurting your liver.
Starting point is 00:44:21 And then you can be better at everything and not be wasted all the time. Because no one likes, I mean, this guy's like, everybody loves me when I'm drunk. I guarantee you they don't. Yeah, other guys who enable you and are also drunk love you when you're drunk. And it's also annoying, man.
Starting point is 00:44:37 You're probably annoying. Yeah, dude, trust me. Yeah. You're annoying when you're drunk, okay? I used to drink all the time. I'm not even sober. I just stopped drinking because I, but I believed I wasn't annoying. I believed I was the life of the party.
Starting point is 00:44:50 But trust me, I was annoying motherfuckers. Yeah. I know that because I see drunk people now and I'm like, this motherfucker thinks he's the life of the party. He is, instead of being the life of the party, the death of the party, he is fucking annoying. Yeah. You're like the guy that brings out the guitar in the middle of the fucking party that everyone's having fun at
Starting point is 00:45:08 and you're like, okay, I guess we're going to fucking listen to some shit by Weezer now that isn't even good. Here's the other thing, man. Coming from someone who absolutely has an addiction problem, you got to figure your life out, man. You got to do it for you.
Starting point is 00:45:23 It's fucking so hard, but you can do it. I don't know. I would suggest getting a group of people that are willing to help for a 12-step program. And it's not easy. It's fucking hard. And if you want to do the work, then do both works. Try and be a comedian. the work then do both works try and be a comedian
Starting point is 00:45:46 so far try and be a comedian and also try and live your life true um and not and not drink and die and affect everyone around you and not yeah not blackout drunk also don't you want to remember some of your fucking life like if you're blackout drunk just because you can make people laugh in your life for the party and as you say beautiful women like you more it doesn't matter if you can't fucking remember it who you're doing this for other people are you it's yeah that's true it's also not what people like you for trust me bro i thought people liked me because i was the guy who would come in and get all the fucking ladies and be cool and i was charismatic and i was funny but dude that's not why people like you man like people like you because you're you and
Starting point is 00:46:31 you matter and it took me a long time to figure that out so he was kind of being a piece of shit to me in the beginning though so i don't think people like him for him maybe he's better when he maybe he's better when he's drunk it's funny dude because I get a lot of videos that call me Matt's brother. So I think we're even. If you go look at the YouTube comments, everyone's like, wow, Matt and his brother are amazing. So thanks for that, buddy. All right, let's do the next one. What's up?
Starting point is 00:47:03 Lurch. Matt and Chris. Lurch. How do you guys think you should spend Your late 20s Or early 30s Expanding it Into your 40s Could be into your mid 50s
Starting point is 00:47:19 What do you think you should do with your life That's around the zone where you need to start settling in And fucking honing in on the things that you might want long term when you're in your early or even mid-20s not only is your brain still actually developing our brains don't stop developing until we're 25 which is pretty fucking crazy i'm still going man but it'd be so smart it's not done forming until we're 25 so not me take that apply that to your actual life i think we can all feel free to sort of like fuck around and see where we go until we're 25 maybe even into our late 20s but around the late 20s and certainly into your early 30s you want to at least have
Starting point is 00:47:56 begun developing that path that you feel like you could be on for the rest of your life or that you feel like you could be on for the rest of your life or realizing that the path or paths that you've been on are not really for you and try to move on from those and try to find a new one. But I think that, you know, there are these people, you know, my age, mid to late 30s, 30s, mate. Both in their 30s.
Starting point is 00:48:19 Is the fact. That are fucking like still spinning their wheels wheels being fucking jackasses like the guy in the previous video uh and like they don't they don't really have the direction in their life that and it's not like they're fucking up their life it's just like i look at them a little differently than i do or did people or my peers in their early to mid-20s because by then you should kind of be figuring your shit out a little bit more. And most people do. But there are those people that don't.
Starting point is 00:48:53 And I think the key is to avoid being one of those people. I'm not saying you got to have everything fucking figured out. Yeah, and you can also change what you're going to do. Yeah, exactly. But have some sort of a plan, I think, is the main thing. Have a plan. That you're on the path toward executing. Yeah, people change their shit when they're going to do. Yeah, exactly. But have some sort of a plan, I think is the main thing. Have a plan. That you're on the path toward executing. Yeah, people change their shit when they're 45 and 50 and 55,
Starting point is 00:49:10 and that's fine. But have a plan and be taking action into it. That's my advice. But I don't know how old you are. It sounds like I guess you're probably in that late 20s. Yeah, he looked like he was in the late 20s. Yeah. So, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:28 He's also a crazy guy because the way he began the video. He's Lurch. So he's from the Addams Family. So that's good. Yeah. All right, next one. I guess first of all,
Starting point is 00:49:37 my question is for Chris. I'm going back to perform after the pandemic. I make electronic music. And so the question is, if you have any advice for going back to perform live in front of a crowd after such a long break. Thank you, man. Ciao. Nice and short. Let me just, before you answer, nice and short.
Starting point is 00:49:58 Kept it concise. Kept the energy up. Got specific enough, but didn't get too specific. Didn't carry on. Didn't fucking much go on and on and we loved it thank you very much it was much shorter than this um yeah so what you i well okay so i'm assuming it was the pandemic probably that why he stopped yeah performing so only i'm only assuming that because that's literally the words he said oh did he say that yes yes oh well
Starting point is 00:50:21 dude first of all it's been done i mean i know it's still going on but like this is just how it's going to be for the rest of the fucking however long like in the tutors there was a play that was there's a stop talking about the fucking tutors but there was a plague that lasted four different it had four different swells and it took a few years and it might be like the tutors but what i'm saying for him is yeah um he's saying live venues like big crowd big crowd shit for him haven't really returned yet and they're starting to so he's talking about how did you make that adjustment to starting to get back into the swing of things with big crowds and the energy and and just i
Starting point is 00:50:57 think everyone can relate even if they're not performers like getting back into the normal swing of things all in you got to go all in 100 because here's the deal you can't tippy toe around covid and i'm not fucking i know i joke around about don't push me but like if you want to be safe and put a mask on and you're out in public i think you should i don't think you're a fucking idiot for wearing a mask do what makes you feel safe right but no but some people do some people like shame like oh you fucking mask you know i mean you know yeah i guess i haven't really seen that but fuck those people yeah yeah if you want to Yeah, I guess I haven't really seen that. Well, because we're in LA. But fuck those people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to wear one, wear one. Wear one.
Starting point is 00:51:25 I don't give a fuck. But like- Although when people have them on when they're in their cars with nobody, that's freaky. That's weird as fuck. And I talk about, I have a joke about that kind of a thing in my act. It's so weird. So don't steal my shit. But yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:37 But yeah, I don't know, dude. I think you got to go all in. Look, you're the DJ. You make electronic music. You're going to go out there. You're going to do live shows. A mask isn't going to- You're going to get it or you're not. So just go all in and live life like you're going to, like you did live life.
Starting point is 00:51:50 And if you get COVID, you'll get over it. You're a young fucking virile dude, right? You look like Elon Gold and it's all good. But what if you did one of those things where, you know, like some of those guys are anonymous, they have big heads on? DJ, what's his name? Deadmau5? Yeah, yeah. What is it?
Starting point is 00:52:05 Deadmau5. Deadmau5 and then Marshmallow. Yeah, you get a big thing on your head. It's better than a mask. Dicknose. DJ Dicknose, dude. DJ Dicknose. Check out this one. DJ Dicknose. DJ Dicknose. People just getting COVID.
Starting point is 00:52:22 But he's not getting it. No, I know. DJ Dicknose. Dude, we like just in their face. Yeah, but he's not getting it. No, I know. Because he's nimny olly olly. DJ Dick Nose. Dude, we figured it out for you. We gave you a whole fucking career path.
Starting point is 00:52:31 And we brought it back around, dude. You could also do, if you don't like Dick Nose because it's not like, you know, it's kind of adult, you could do like
Starting point is 00:52:38 DJ Black Death because that's what it was for. Ooh, DJ Black Death. That's cool, dude. DJ Black Death. Do that, dude. Yeah, DJ black death with the big fucking dick nose mask like they used to wear dude you will die you will die you will die
Starting point is 00:52:53 you will die this is a song you will die you will die the whole song you and we'll go you will die you will die you will die you will die you will die three minutes you will die You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. Three minutes. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die.
Starting point is 00:53:08 You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die. You will die.
Starting point is 00:53:08 You will die. You will die. And then dick nose bouncing, right? Right. But also the Gregorian chants. But that's a while ago. Dude, every ball would get so horny. Are you kidding me?
Starting point is 00:53:22 That would be really cool, actually. We just gave this guy a lucrative career. In fact, the the guy with the video before what should i do in my late 20s early 30s yeah do that do that too be two dj black deaths yeah and war like be battling to the fucking end yeah oh this is awesome we're good djs we just gave that guy such good advice that goes for this guy and the previous guy. Yep. Great. Cool. All right. Next one. What's next? So happy. Hey, Chris and Matt. I've actually been a fan of Congratulations since episode one.
Starting point is 00:53:53 Whoa. Day one baby over here. Wow. So I actually have a little dilemma. So I actually did the horizontal mambo with my sister's friend. With my sister. I met her at my sister's friend with my sister um i met her at my sister's wedding um and she's currently in la and i'm currently in uh new hampshire kind of you know maybe 45 minutes outside of boston um and she's moving to boston next month so i don't know whether i should pursue
Starting point is 00:54:20 things because i'm kind of seeing another girl right now oh okay and honestly i don't know how things are going with this other girl um i'm kind of stuck in a love triangle right now i mean and the backwards way just yeah i want to know what you guys think about this so backwards you should have just started on the love triangle fucking hey uh yeah yeah yeah hey guys i'm in a love triangle i know which what you should do. Whichever one you like more. Right, also the one that's closer. Whichever one you like more is the one you should pick out of the love triangle. And it's not awkward that it's your sister's friend. That's not weird at all.
Starting point is 00:54:54 No, yeah, that's not weird at all. Yeah. Your hair looks like a lunch lady thing you have on it. I do. I am a lunch lady. No, yeah. Do the one you want to, but also if it's between both of them, the one that's obviously closer. Long distance relationships suck, dude.
Starting point is 00:55:11 Do that. And then also, it's not weird that you slept with your sister's friend. I mean, how many people in the world do that? So many. You know? As a matter of fact, dude, you'd be on me for this, but in the Tudors, they did that to you constantly. I mean, are you fucking kidding me with the Tudors thing?
Starting point is 00:55:27 I'm on the fourth season. Do you do anything else during the day other than watch the Tudors? Yep, nighttime I watch the Tudors. How many episodes? Have I seen? No, like per night. Oh, three? And for how many nights?
Starting point is 00:55:40 There's like eight seasons of that show, right? No, four. Wow. I'm almost done. Yeah, how are you not done yet? I'm almost done. i watch it when i don't have something to do if i don't have a show and then sometimes i even come home and i watch the tutors and they're just fucking everybody and cutting each other's heads off but my point is not good but it's not good it's fine but but it's okay you did what you did don bad about it. You know, you guys had horizontal mambo fun.
Starting point is 00:56:07 Who cares, yeah. Who cares? If your sister's mad at you, have that conversation with her. Whoopsie daisy, sorry. Let her be, but don't like feel too bad about it. Yeah, so, you know, okay, I didn't know people would bother you that much
Starting point is 00:56:18 or I fucked up or if there was a rule that you shouldn't have then been like, you know what, I'm sorry. And then go for the other girl. But if there's not, it's okay. And choose the one that you shouldn't have then been like you know what i'm sorry and then go for the other girl but if there's not it's okay and choose the one that you want to choose and err on the side of whoever's closer to you which is not your sister's friend right right you didn't fuck up that you didn't even really fuck up on no you didn't you'll be fine uh and uh are you not in a love you're not really in a love triangle, are you? He kind of is.
Starting point is 00:56:45 I mean, it's a very loosely... I mean, I would loosely... It's more of like a pentagon. Well, no, it's like... It is because it's him and then the two women. I understand, but it's like a little... It's not like boom, boom, they're all involved. Yeah, well, it certainly wouldn't be like...
Starting point is 00:56:57 It's like a puddle, love puddle. It wouldn't be like in a script. It's not dramatic enough. You're in a love puddle. But it's... Yeah, and Twitter bedders would look at that script and you'd be like, not for me, and walk away. Love puddle. But it's, yeah, in Twitter, but there's, we'll look at that script and you'll be like, not for me, and walk away.
Starting point is 00:57:06 Love puddle. That's, that's good. That's a good term for it. Yeah. But yeah, again, anytime you're in a situation
Starting point is 00:57:11 like that, everybody's always like, oh God, what do I do? There's these two women, there's these two men. I know what you do. You choose the one
Starting point is 00:57:20 you like more. Yeah, but sometimes, do you like people, two people the same? I don't know. If you like two people the same, then you're not in love with either one of them oh dude be dj go to take the one you love and go to a dj black death concert yeah that's definitely true but if you don't know which one you like you don't really like either one of them that much and
Starting point is 00:57:39 maybe what the fuck is that and maybe you don't like yourself okay well that's totally a different level that's there i guess that's always possible yeah so that doesn't apply to what we're talking about it could yeah it could but so could henry the fucking anything you know um all right uh well that's that's good that's a good episode that's a good episode thank you for for uh sending the videos in and uh thank you and if you have a question click the link in the description below or go to WatchLifeline.com and get your spin movie. We have different merches. LifelineMerch.com.
Starting point is 00:58:11 And when you get the Pimpin' Pimpin' merch, you take pics, tag me on your stories. I want to repost that shit. We're going to do a Who Wore It Best. LifelineMerch.com. Get the Pimpin' Pimpin' gear. Put it on your body. Take a Pimpin' Pimpin' pic of you. Send it. Put it on Pimpin' P pimping, pimping pic of you. Send it.
Starting point is 00:58:25 Put it on pimping, pimping Instagram on your stories and tag me. Be pimping, pimping. Also, I'll be in Atlanta and D.C. and Savannah and Peoria and a bunch of different places. Go to chrislea.com. Stockton, I'll be there. So chrislea.com. Sounds pimping, pimping, everybody. Bye, guys.
Starting point is 00:58:40 Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Will you please? Hello. Bye, guys.

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