Lifeline - 212. Splurt the Lede

Episode Date: May 17, 2026

LIFELINE ✨LUXURY✨ is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/lifelineluxury⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. Our Patreon is also the exclusive home to all the live podcasts which we film and upload! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠apple.co/3NG2G2G⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠spoti.fi/3NPUwoT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🔗 All our links: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/watchlifeline⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Today we're talking about making things work in a very particular long distance relationship with an age gap, what to say when people assume a father, and greeting cards for black women! 🎰 Legendz Social Casino and Sportsbook. 100% match on your first purchase. (up to $100) 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. More LIFELINE: Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/watchlifeline⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Tiktok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@watchlifeline⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ More Matt D'Elia: Sign up FOR FREE For Matt's Patreon for Matt D'Elia Live, all episodes of The Private Record and Matt D'Elia is Confused Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠mattdelia.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. More Chris D'Elia: Congratulations podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠congratulationspod.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Live on tour: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠chrisdelia.com/tour⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Desjardin Insurance, we know that when you're a building contractor, your company's foundation needs to be strong. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected. Get insurance that's really big on care. Find an agent today at Dejardin.com slash business coverage. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly.

19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. and rolling. Okay.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, Matt's got blonde hair. I'm blonde. I'm blonde. Deaf. I'm blonde. Woo! But that is, uh, yeah. Wow.

That's crazy that they can just do that, huh? Color your hair? When did hair coloring start? Anyway, you, you look, you look, uh, you look cool. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I, I was surprised to have a,

liked it immediately when it was revealed to me yeah it looks cool yeah because i you know how i went into it i was like if i don't like i'll just shave it all off i mean i was like i don't i really i don't know if it looks better but it it looks cool it looks like you know well done and you look cool with it thanks man yeah yeah i'm blonde now and that's just the way it is and there's nothing anybody can do about it so don't even nobody would really nobody people could do something ideas about what you might do about it because there's absolutely nothing you do about it all right cool well uh Do you want to say anything else about your blonde hair or no? No, I love it and I'm happy about it.

What are people saying about it? People, everybody on my Patreon was like, what is your boyfriend say? You know what's interesting? Everyone on my Patreon, the women were like, it looks great. But I came in and I was like, all right, what do I do? Three things. Just leave it the way it is. Yeah.

All shave the mustache. Right. or dye the mustache to match the hair, right? Every woman said keep it exactly as it is, do not shave the mustache, keep everything the way exactly it is. Every single one. Well, the guys, none of them said that.

What did they say? They all said either you have to shave the mustache or you have to dye the mustache blonde. Now, were they trying to sabotage me? Or is it just, that's the difference between men and women? Probably. I think that you, well, first of all, I think, I think, I think,

truly, women see it, I think that if a woman thinks you're hot, they're going to think you're hot, period. Okay? So if you do something, if you change, you're like, no, don't change it. I like the way you are. So I don't think that they really think about it that hard. I think they're just like, no, this is what I like because it's now. But dudes, who cares? They're just going to be like, oh, no, you got to do this.

And then another dude's going to say, no, you don't do that. Yeah, that's exactly what it was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, but dying it, your mustache blonde is an insane thing to do. That would look the worst for sure. No, yeah. It's just, yeah. I mean, you could shave it if you wanted to, but don't.

Yeah. I had my razor ready. I was going to do it live. Ah, uh, uh. I was like, should I do it or not? And all the women's were like, no. And all the men's were like, no, diet. And some of them are like shaving.

And I was like, dying your mustache. I don't listen to men's. I listen to women. Well, you ask them their opinion, but yeah, okay. But the resounding response. You care. was from women's a baby so i don't care of purse no more and i i dude go ahead okay so i woke up i took uh calvin school i ate my oatmeal um i drank my protein i actually i got protein coffee

I drank that and then I drank coffee. Then I got shipped this stuff from this company, Bullfit. You're wearing it now? Yeah, I mean, this is the one shirt they sent me, but they sent me a bunch of, like, it's a workout thing. Like, they sent me creatine and pre-workout and electrolytes. I don't take pre-workout, right? I took this pre-workout and I go, well, first of all,

It tastes. I'm like, this is going to be terrible. Of course. It was so good. It was cherry lime. I didn't even know that you could put those together, you know? So, wait, it was a protein shake or just something put in water? Yeah, something put in water.

And I worked out, bro, and I go, I don't care if this is real or not. This is going to make it better for me. And I pushed it to the limit, bro. This is not an ad. And I probably shouldn't even be endorsing them because, you know, I guess they sent me free stuff. So that's nice. But, uh, yeah. Yeah, I pushed it to the limit, bro.

And my leg day was something to be wrecked. It was something to be reckoned with. And, and, and, and, and I was screaming during my rep. Do you think I'm loud when I work out? I am. I was screaming grunting when I was doing my last reps, dude. It wasn't gonna, it wasn't, it wasn't. Do it, do it, away from the mic.

Really? You do that? If need be. But you're doing it today? I was. And you think it was because, wait, I'm sorry. It wasn't because of that. I mean, I went in with the mindset.

Placebo effect, do you think? Well, that's what I'm saying. Whether it is or not, it doesn't matter. Maybe it made me more focused, whatever, but. Doesn't matter. Results are results. Results are results. And, dude, I hit PRs and my legs are noodles, dude.

They're noodles. But, dude, my legs, last time I measured them were 24 inches a while ago. You measure your legs? Around. Okay. And now, I mean, what are they now? I measured them two days ago and 25. I mean. A dentist.

Wait. 25. So that's like a big thing. One inch, dude? I'm, it's hard to get muscle, but it's, but it's, my point is, it's working. It's working. Okay? It's working. Yeah, of course it is, man. You work out 30 times a day. So, yeah, I love it. Why do I love it? God, I'm such a fucking addict, dude.

But, you know, with 46, not getting any younger, and I am just tip-top shape for me. Okay. As he tips of Coke, you know. He's got zero sugar. Okay. I eat no sugar. Okay. I was thinking about, man, I was thinking, on my way over here, I was thinking about, man,

I wish Matt would work out. with me. And then I mean, we live far away from each other, so whatever, but that's, that's, you know, but also you don't like to work out, which is fine. You do your own thing and you do your running and stuff. A little way less now. Right, because you don't need to. Well, I lost too much weight, yeah. Right. But, uh, as I was thinking about like brothers that work out, that must be dope. Brothers that have have, like we have, yeah, like we have, uh, similarities, you know, and an interest. It's mostly just making fun of our friends, but yeah, um, mostly, mostly the, mostly the crossover there.

But, yeah, and then I'm like, well, shoot, I should, I should do more. I don't like doing things like that with other people. Neither do I. You know, neither do I. Like people, like when people knew or know that like I run, first of all, I don't go running. Right, right. But they don't know that. No, no, no.

So they're like, let's go on to run together. I'm like, and do what? Near each other? I'm the same. Like, we're going to converse while we're running. I'm the same. Why? We went to work out together, though, Miyamako.

But we did our own thing, though, yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I worked out and he fucking worked out a little bit, and then went into the sauna and the shower. Nice, dude. Maximizing. I worked out more than a little bit. I know, I know.

I'm just, come on, you know. Making the most of the venture to the gym. I get it. Oh, they got a pool? No, I do that every time. And it's not a sauna. It's a steam room. Oh.

Slammed you. Stickler when it comes to relaxation. He is, though. He loves robes. I know, he does, right? He loves room service. God, I love some of that stuff. But it's episode 212 Sunday, May 17th, happy birthday to Bill Paxton, Dennis Hopper, and Trent Rezner.

RIP, Bill Paxton. And Dennis Hopper, but not RIP, Trent Resner. You're next. He's still kicking. You're next. I mean, technically, he's definitely next out of those stories. Yeah. Yeah.

Shout out to Legends for sponsoring the show. Legends is a free-to-play social casino and sportsbook. Check it out at Legends.com. Why did you laugh about 10 seconds ago? Legends with a Z make sure you know that. But yeah, go ahead. Why'd you laugh? I was laughing at it.

He's next. What are you talking about? Yeah. Okay. Just making sure because sometimes I think it's me, but he also said something. Now, what I want to know is why did you ask when you knew you knew damn well what the answer? Because last time I asked him what he laughed at and it was surprisingly you, not that you're not funny. You are funny.

But I had a fucking thing that I said and I go, what made you laugh? And he fucking said the thing you said. I go, all right, I'm an asshole. But, you know. But I didn't say anything. You did? Oh, I did. Yeah.

Yes, you did. Okay. Well, anyway. Patreon members can call live on Wednesdays. So do it. We've got a live caller. now, only $5 on the Patreon. Details at patreon.com slash,

sorry, patreon.com slash Lifeline luxury. And I'm going to be on tour. I'm in D.C. I'm in San Jose. I'm in Miami. I'm in Nashville coming up. I forget where I'm going,

but I'm going a bunch of different places to go to Christiaco. Oh, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City. Look at all these great places. Beautiful. Denver. Can't wait for that. Pittsburgh, Braia, California. Anyway, go get tickets at chrysally.com.

And that's that. Klitsberg, you know what I'm saying? I know. Did Tittsburg? No. Okay. Neither way. Subscribe to this YouTube channel, super good.

And of course become a member of my Patreon where it's constantly 24-7 on and popping. Okay. John Marklech. On and popping. Patreon.com slash Matt DeLea. Get on up. Get in that discord. It is a good time.

All right. Yeah. So it's getting hotter, huh? It was cold. when we got here inside put on a hoodie oh it's hot in here now but now it's hot but it'll be cold again because you know how it goes uh-huh eventually it'll be winter i mean game of thrones uh all right we got a live caller or what what's up hi i'm just working hey madison working what do what kind of work um i work in accounting nice nice and boring um me too nice and boring too don't we all dude i can you tell us

Can you tell the difference between our voices? I always wonder that. Yeah, I can. Okay. I listen to you guys a lot. Yeah. All right. Now we're talking.

Now we're talking. All right. What's up, Madison? Madison's a good name. So I'm just looking for some advice. I have a two and a half year old. And me and my boyfriend started dating when he was five months old. Okay.

And whenever we're out and about, people always say like, oh, my gosh, he's so cute. He looks just like his dad. Wow. And then looks at my boyfriend who is not his dad. Yeah. And we never really know what to say. We kind of just laugh it off. Yeah.

I don't know if you can tell it two and a half, but my son is also half Mexican. And me and my boyfriend are both very white. Oh, wow. So we don't really know what to say. He should just be like, oh, do you know, I think that sometimes you're able to say that. Yeah.

Well, no, not that, though. People, I mean, I think people just say stuff like that, you know. Yeah, I mean, maybe you're right. But also, that's awesome because they put themselves in that position. and they shouldn't have. And I guess what is is your baby's your toddler's young. So they're assuming, you know, if there's a man with you that you're still together. I mean, you know, but like I think if he was like, you know, 15, they wouldn't say,

oh, you look like your dad. I think they're just like, because it's still like he's a toddler. He, the baby? Yeah, he's a toddler. Is that, but yeah, oh, man, if someone did that to me, I would be like, I mean, that's great, dude. Because you could say, you could just be like, oh, oh, you know, oh, yeah, you should see his dad. That would be amazing.

If I got to say that, if somebody said to me, if I was dating a woman and she had a toddler and I wasn't mine, and they said, oh, he looks just like his dad. And I got to look them in the eyes and say, oh, yeah, you should see him. That would be amazing for me. How do you know him? Yeah. Oh, you know David? Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love that. Just be like no English. Yeah, I know what I would definitely do. Is the birth father still in the picture, like, in your life?

No. No? Okay. Then just that's his dad, you know? Yeah, they look alike. They look just alike. They look exactly like. He looks a little more Mexican, but yeah, he's got me. Yeah. You know, and that's it. It's just a little darker. Yeah. I mean, for me, with stuff like that, I always want to cut to the end as quick as possible. I understand that for sure, yeah. So it's like, oh, yeah, we get that all the time. Yeah, they look exactly like bye, you know. Yeah, that's kind of what we do too.

We just kind of laugh about it and move on. Not many people have a confrontation kink like I do. Yeah, I have one, but not about stuff like that. Right, right, right. Not what kids are on. You don't want to mix up the kids in it, you know? No, right, right. And does your, this is my other question, does your boyfriend,

he doesn't care? Like, he's not like weirded out by it. No, not at all. Oh, yeah. Then just be like, that's a little. dad yeah well that's the major thing as long as you don't care and he doesn't yeah that's what we'll do yeah that's why i asked if the dad's still in the picture because then it could be confusing to the kid you know oh yeah true oh no yeah yeah yeah yeah it's for the best that he isn't yeah well then there

you go even better yeah gotcha good yeah that's his dad perfect well thank you guys thanks for calling in madison where you were you located like what area in wisconsin nice wisconsin is is is nice I just can't stand the cold. I don't know how people do that. It was like five degrees last time I was in Milwaukee, Madison, whatever. But anyway. Anyway, live it up. It's summertime coming up, so you won't be cold.

And thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you guys. Have a good day. You too, Madison. I'm also looking at my tabs too. Bro, shut the fuck up. No, I know. Because I've been doing that too.

But yeah, calf work. But remember when you were younger, like a teenager, you used to take creatine, you would work out. You'd look at yourself in the mirror so much. I used to, yeah. I don't do that anymore. Well, you're looking at yourself right now. It's the same thing. I think that's what turned me off from, in general, in my life from working out.

Who cares? Seeing you do that so much. Oh, who cares. I think people listening, Mike. Why did that turn you off? Because I was like, imagine, like, inspecting yourself so much in the mirror. I, that seems like a nightmare. I don't, I don't want that.

But it's not. But what? It's not a nightmare. Yeah, I mean, I believe that too. It just, seeing it from the outside, I was like, I don't want to be that. Sorry. There were a lot of things about you that I did want to. No, no, it's cool.

I mean, you know that doesn't offend me, but I. Oh, so I'm. And it's all good. I keep living life and it's fine. But, uh, no, I, yeah, it's, uh, yeah. Well, I'm just, whatever I'm into, I'm into. I'm into it a hundred fucking 10% dude. Yeah.

So it's just being it. You're just not ever into anything. Yeah, I'm into four things. So I mean, oh God, it's so weird. It's weird. I'm like that with fucking like, dude, I was sit. You know how dad used to like when we were a kid, he used to just stare at us? He would just be like this.

Staples preferred business membership built for busy business owners because you've got bigger things to think about. With Staples Preferred, get free delivery. No minimums. Staples Preferred unlocks up to 3% back. Plus 10% savings on print and exclusive wireless offers. One less thing on your plate.

Actually, a lot less. Visit staples.ca slash preferred. That was easy. From the pitch to the stands to communities around the world The beautiful game is coming to our beautiful country. Uniting fans around a shared passion. Now you have the opportunity to hold this chapter of Canadian soccer history in the palm of your hands.

Score the FIFA World Cup 2026, $1 coin today. Look forward in your change. Or no. I don't know if I have that memory. And I'd be like, what are you doing? He's like, I just like to look at you. And I guess I vaguely remember that. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I do that now with my kids and I get it and I'm just like, I'm completely obsessed with them. And they're watching a movie, but I'm watching their face. Oh, it's so fucking amazing, dude. Yeah. I just, I mean, you know, that's actually love. But like I'm saying the attic part of me just fucking let me do something once and then let me do it again. Yeah, that's you. Keep doubling it until it kill me. Hey guys, let's take a break. Talk to you about our sponsor Legends. It's, uh, Legends is sending one lucky winner to LA to watch USA versus Paraguay playing in the 200026 World Cup, which is amazing. And look, all that you're probably like, what does that even entail? All the flights, hotels, and all that are included for you and a friend. So that's your plus one. You know what else though? Speaking of a plus. What? Plus nine more winners that they're hooking up with a legendary game day setup for their own homes. Legends is doing that too. Wow. Okay. That's a lot of prizes.

They indeed are. And the promo ends though on May 31st at exactly 1159 p.m. Eastern time. Winners are announced June 1st. Okay, that's amazing. Legends is a free-to-play social casino and sportsbook, tons of games to play. There's things to spin. Table games with live dealers that are there that you can see. It's a person-to-person experience, really. Take advantage of the 100% match on your first purchase up to $100 and make sure to use code Lifeline when signing up. That's code Lifeline. Keep it legendary. Legends with a Z. What up? Are you there? Yeah, what up, boys? Hell yeah, dude. What's it say? Sky Gaming. What the hell is your name? Playron gaming. You can call me A-A-Rum. A-A-Rum?

A-A-Rone. A-A-Rone. Oh, like, okay. I thought you said A-A-Rum like you're an alcoholic-a-com. Yeah, that's what I. Yeah. Place to meet, yeah. No, no, no. No, fucking shit-faced right now. Not so much heroin. So it's up. Yo, well, what are you, what area are you in?

I live in Grand Rapids, Michigan right now, but I'm calling you from Chattanooga, Tennessee. I'm here on family vacay. Guys, I'm over in a shake. Oh, you're calling from a family vacation. All right. We guys are moving in a shake. Maybe it's urgent. Maybe this is an urgent matter.

Is it something about your family and your family vacation? No. is not. I just, I just got to make time to my Delia bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, you're just checking out of your family. I get it. Yeah, you need a little break. Yeah, that's right. What's up? I'll check in with him to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, um, I am 26, and I am dating an older woman. She's 41. Wow. Um, and I am head over heels for this. Oh, wow. I mean, I am just crazy about. her. I can't stop thinking about her like all the time. And we're also long distance right now.

She's in Cleveland while I'm in Grand Rapids. So it's about a four and a half hour drive whenever we want to see each other. Same places. Keep going. Keep going. World traveler. World traveler. And so, you know, I think there's a degree to which you can get tunnel vision when you're, you know, we're coming up on three months here into the relationship and I'm, you know, crazy about her. But I'm wondering if there are some nuances with an age gap relationship that I need to be aware of that maybe I'm not seeing because I'm just so crazy about her that I can't, you know, think rationally about it. So I'd love to get your guys thoughts on, you know, have you guys dated older girls. What are they like? Also, we're not doing any horizontal mom though because we're saving ourselves for Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, of course.

Really? Really? It's got to can't fucking believe it. Like, it's never happened. But no, but because, no, the reason why I ask is because she's 41. So, but she's been married or no? Yeah. Never, never, never been married. Wow.

Come on. That's, I mean, they made a movie about a 40-year-old version. They made a movie. They made a movie. That's how fantastic it is. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. All right. Whoa. That's, yeah, that's the, you buried. lead, right? Like, that's pretty amazing. Okay, so all right. Well, geez. You're going to bury the lead. You know, going to burry the lead and then to splurt the lead, right? Yeah, yeah, that's right.

So what I would spill out his lead. My first thought is definitely if the ages were flipped, I'd be like, here's my laundry list of things to look out for. If you were 41 and she was 26. Right. And that would go for either. I mean, that would be true, you know, maybe

even for her, I would tell her that if she was calling in about you. But like, for you? Like, I mean, I, a 41-year-old woman, I mean, the fact that maybe she's never been married and never horizontal before is maybe like the one thing. But if you, you know what I mean? I don't know. If you haven't either, then like who cares.

I don't understand. I was actually. So, but, but I think that like when you're 41, you ideally and typically have figured out, like, the, you've smoothed the edges on your difficult ways, I guess you could say. And so whatever red flags might be down the road in general, I think are probably less likely to be there for someone who's 41. That's just what my gut. Sure. Right. But, right. Yeah. But also what you're saying is true of any relationship, long distance or not, when you first meet someone. Yeah. You're crazy about them and dude like I've I've blown past the biggest red flags and Matt the biggest

brightest red for waving red flags imaginable just because I'm like I'm so head over heels about this woman yeah yeah uh so part of it is inevitable what I wouldn't do is like get too in your head about like oh what am I maybe overlooking what am I maybe not seeing you're not going to see it because you're in love with her you know what I'm saying and so unless She's just got blaring sirens somewhere, then it's just a good thing right now. So let it be that. But I have a question, though, you say it's been three months and you shouldn't even live where you are. So how much have you actually seen her?

Yeah. So I've been there twice and she's come and visited me once in Michigan. And then when I come back from vacation, she'll come to Michigan for four days over Memorial Day weekend. Damn. because I'm also doing a triathlon on that weekend that he's going to come walk me because that's a big part of my life. So I want her to kind of experience that with me. Wow. Man, this is just wild to me.

Okay. So. And what about your dating history? Like you have been with, have you had a girlfriend and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've dated two other girls like super seriously like six months or more where I was like, I was trying to like see. We get this to like marriage level. Right. And it never, you never felt, you never felt this way that you do with her about those others? No, I think I, I think maybe in some aspects I did, but not not to the degree that I am with her. It's more just like, well, this is a very novel idea, but we both kind of talked through the age gap thing early on and then talked about kids and stuff. Yeah, what about that? If this is what it is, then this is what it is, you know?

Okay. What about that in terms of what, Chris? Yeah, I mean, you know, we're definitely, it's something that we want to try for. So you'd have to do it. You better get married soon and get them mongoing. Oh, you never mongo. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean?

You might want to hit the gas on that one. But, hey. I know, I know. No, no, it's okay. I mean, we've already leaped in our families and stuff. We've already told our family. Are they all cool? You know.

we're serious about each other. And yeah, they seem to be. Wow. And then, so you have a religious background and so does she, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, I mean, I guess everything's okay as long as you've been open and

talking about it, you know? Get married and Mambo and have kids. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, you've got to be up front about that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah. No, here's the deal. Get married. Mombo have kids. Those are my three pieces of advice. In that order. Put that on a pillow.

A throw pillow. Yeah. But good for you, though. I mean, that's rare. And you're lucky and consider yourself lucky. And unless she's got some blaring sirens in the next few weeks or over Memorial Day, move forward and feel good about it. Yeah. Yeah.

Cool. All right. Thanks, bro. Good luck to you. Let us know. Yeah, for sure. Let us know. Yeah, I will.

I'll call back in when we get engaged. Oh, nice, dude. When? All right. All right. See you guys. Bye. Bye.

I did it. A-A room. I really thought he said A-A. So did I. Yeah. When I was 26, wait, hold on,

I'm trying to think. I had sex with only, I think, two or three women. You want to know how many women I had sex with by the time I was 26? Well,

I know, you got an early start. Hundreds and hundreds. By 26? A hundred percent. That's crazy. Yeah. Now,

I had only had sex with two women. Yeah, Yeah, you, that's, you were, you were like really long-term monogamy. Yeah. Like, that was for, like, back to back to back to back to, like, you know? Until the levees broke. Until the, yeah, until the bow broke for real.

And then it was just, until Hurricane Com Trina came through. Yeah, dude. Just, I go, fucking, what am I doing? I did. But I want you got and it might be hot. Playing a video game. Dude, I mean, yeah, I got it out of the way early. You got you just, yeah, you, yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, late bloomer, you know. Late bloomer, yeah. But that's wild to never mombo until you're 20, however old is you guys? I mean, you were close to never mommboing. Two. I mumbled with two. But that's close to, closer to zero than.

Yeah, but I mumbled with them a lot. Right, right, right. There were two of my, they were my, I was with them for long. periods of time and you know we would we kept mombo in did that guy say that he's proposed already no no he spoke of engagement like it was inevitable yeah got he said when we get engaged but no I mean they don't have that much time no they don't they don't have that much time they have a little bit a little bit a little bit they're not like we got to get to mombo in like in they do if they want to have two kids did she

freeze her eggs or anything did he says he didn't say if they want to have two kids naturally, then yeah. Yeah, I mean, three, forget it. Okay, man, you know what I mean? They want to have four? Yeah. There's a number of the question. Call back.

There's a number of ways to still have multiple children if you are 41 and adoption. Adoption. A woman and has never, no, your own biological children. You can, as Chris said, freeze your eggs. You can get to step in, get to Mambo and real fast. That doesn't count as a. That's a viable option.

Sure, yeah, yeah. And, yeah. I'm saying you can't have five kids. But that's wild, man. Wow. You know, I was thinking about on a way, this is yesterday or the day before? I bet I know one thing you thought, though.

You thought, when? She'd be honest about that. She had sex before, right? Oh, I didn't even think of that. Really? I swear to God, I didn't even think of that. Now that you mentioned it, she's lying.

I thought of it vis-a-vis you. I thought he's thinking that. No, I didn't, actually. That's funny. Yes, I understand why you'd think I would think that because I don't believe anything anyone said, but she didn't say it to me. He said it.

If she said it, then... Yeah, I wouldn't believe it. If she's like, I've never had sex with anybody. Well, no, if I couldn't see her face and she was just a voice, I might just go... I might not think that too hard into it. That's probably why I didn't not believe. But if I hear someone, like, telling me...

I mean, dude, there's no... But 41? Forty-one is really, really something. To be 41 and be a virgin... as a woman, and... That's work. I mean, as work, you gotta fight off the block. It's definitely work.

And to not have something like some mental block or like some sort of like trauma or something is probably pretty rare. I mean, gotta be really rare. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying she has something wrong with her, but... I think the exception would be the religious thing. Right. Right.

But yeah, but people who are 41 in religious, if they haven't been through some trauma, what religion are they in? Yeah, well, that's true, too, yeah. Fair, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I, I, yeah. Wow. I was thinking like if you haven't mamba, okay, so if you're going to only mamba with one person,

forever, you can do that. That is something that is achievable. if you mamba with two people, I feel like you'll be forever curious. Because then you start comparing. Not comparing women, but comparing your experiences. And you're like, oh, man, there's more mambos out there. Do you know what I'm saying?

One, I know a buddy of mine who's married to his, you know, wife, and he's only had sex with her. Fucking loser. No, no, no. And he's a great guy. And he's faithful. He's, you know, I just, and I'm like, I think you could do it if that's how you were going to do it. But once you have two and then three, it's a problem, dude.

And, and, and, and, you know, but then, then it, then it, then you get to be, then, then you get to be into the tens, right? And if you're into the tens, you could never, ever marry somebody you'd never had sex with. Do you know what I'm saying? That I completely agree with that. Like you, you, because, because, because you realize how much it is about a connection. Yeah. Like, I, I, I've had sex with, you know, people that I was so excited to have sex with. And I'm like, oh, it's just not going to, it's not going to work out.

I think about that all the time when people are saving themselves from marriage. It's like, I, I mean, I get the religious stuff. But that's the only one, if it's the only thing they've ever experienced, and that's okay. Oh, I see. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah. You know, but the second you do.

do three, you're cooked. Yeah. You're cooked, you know? You can't do that anymore. So, so shut out. Because why they made it that way in religion. Right. Because they knew.

Well, they knew a lot. With those, the rules that they have in those old books, they knew what they mean, they knew. They knew that if you, what you're saying. Right. You had something to compare it to you, you're more likely to stray from your own partner, which would ruin the community that you're in and it would cause strife and religion.

It would be killing each other. Yeah. There's so much stuff like that in those books that are. Or like the deeper you read into it, you're like, oh, of course, you know, great rule for back then. Now, get to Mambo and dude. You got a mombo. I mean, whatever this guy's fine. Almost get it out of the way.

You got a Mambo before you commit. Get comfortable with each other, but get it out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think. But, I mean, that's in this society now. And, you know, who knows what it's like where he's, you know, he might live in a fucking place like the village with fucking Mnichama. I mean, Grand Rapids is not exactly, you know. No, I know. No, Grand Rapids is actually dope.

But, yeah, wow, 41, huh? What are you insinuating here? There's no, freaks there? No, no, I'm saying it might be more normalized there. I'm not saying there's no freaks there. I'm saying who knows

what kind of place he lives in. Yeah, I get, he's saying Grand Rapids, but there's fucking places that are 35 minutes out of Grand Rapids. Yeah. You know, he might live in the village like E. You think he was lying about Grand Rapids?

No, I don't think he was lying about Grand Rapids. But what I'm saying is there's pockets of Grand Rapids that are maybe like the village from Emmett Sharmalon. And if he lives in one of those, you know, all bets are off. but then he wouldn't be on family vacation in wherever he is now.

Chattanooga? Yeah, I guess you're right about that. He's dealing with so much. It's a long-distance relationship. Yeah, no, I know. The age gap, and then they're both faithfully weighted. The odds are stacked against him. No, I mean, but they also really like each other, right?

Well, that's the only thing that they have, though. It's pretty remarkable. It is remarkable. Did he say, sorry I have so many questions. Are you listening at all? No, no, no. I can't hear it that well for. Oh, okay.

Did he, wait, what was I going to ask? Oh, the idiot thing ever. It came to work today and it was like, I got to ask more questions. And then so he was just like starting it and then realizing he didn't have one. No, I wanted to ask if they have a,

oh, if they have a plan to move in together soon. Yeah, no, we didn't get that far. I mean, it sounds like they both are toward them. They're moving fast. Yeah, they're moving fast. Well, not really. They're planning on moving. Yeah, they're planning on moving fast.

They're loading the cannon to get busted out of there. Blasted out of the lead. Sporting the lead. Blasted out of the cannon. The cock like cannon. They're going to have some first night, huh? Yeah. Or it's going to be a disaster, you know what I mean?

It's going to be a disaster. First time for both of them. Well, if you were watching them, yeah, you'd be like this is a disaster, but they're going to have fun. I'm totally down to watch. I'm going to watch them. down and watch. Ah, interesting. They keep hearing, you keep hearing me.

Oh, okay. Wow. Oh, you're going to do it like that? Okay. I wouldn't have done that. Do you think that they, no, there's no way they, they, like, groom themselves.

What do you mean? Groom themselves? Trim their pubs. I'm, you know, what kind of fucking, how do you know? I don't know. Because I said the village thing? No, I feel like it's kind of a thing

that you only start doing after you been having sex for a while. Nah. Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but that's a leap. To leap to there's, yeah, there's no way they're grooming themselves. Yeah, that's, I don't know. I would bet. They probably don't wash their penis or vagina.

I mean, you know, like, it's, come on, you know. I would bet, but also. We'll bet. Check out Cal Sheet. Check it on Cal Shee. He's going to see this and then he's going to DM me. How do I groom? Yeah.

No, no, no. But we should bet, actually. We should bet they don't. Whether or not they, never mind. Well, he doesn't. He's 26 and who gives a fuck? They're not going to tell us. Hey, do you guys groom? Call them back. Wait, let's just go to Grand Rapids. Yeah.

Worst documentary. Like, you think she's a virgin and has like a landing strip? You know what I mean? No, I understand that, but that's different than grooming, though. A landing strip is like fucking, I mean, this guy, all fucking extremes. I'm saying she could be like, oh, yeah, let me trim it up a little bit. Yeah. That's technically, you know, what you're saying. Yeah, you don't need a jungle down there. You know what I'm saying? He's like, well, it's nice. She runs a fade down there. I have a friend

once. She's not dreads. That's he said, he's asking about a girl. I know it's coming. What does she have? Does she have a landing strip or Dorito chip? I knew that was coming. Dorito chip. Hate it. Horrible. What even is that? That's just trimmed it up. You can, you can use your imagination. Yeah, it's just trimmed up. Trimmed into a triangle above the thing Yeah, but it kind of is a triangle already is what I'm saying. No, but specifically I think it's like a... That's what it's called.

Give me the Dorito chip. No, no. Well, you do it to yourself, first of all, but they make it a... Ha! Nick this cage. You shave a triangle right above your vagina. Two!

This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the power move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real power move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new power move. Worst takeout code, the triangle right above your vagina.

When you hear the triangle is above the vagina, take them out. How the fuck? I'm not going to fit that in. We're not going to really be talking about. We're going to be talking about dossiers and shit. And fucking, you did what? The Adam Seller movie. I messed up.

I didn't know how to say Dorito chip with Dazier. Dude, the cut to you did what is amazing. I mean, so many episodes ago, you know. Yeah. But it's still funny. I'll do it again. All right. We got, what do we got?

More submissions? Yeah. Regular ones. Stud. Chris, Matt, long time listener, first time calling. Nice. Trying to be quiet here. It's Mother's Day Sunday morning.

Mama is still sleeping. I love this guy. Little man. It's our first Mother's Day. Cute. It's also my brother-in-law and his wife's first Mother's Day. They have a 10-month-old. Wow.

And I'm calling for some advice on some serious guilt that I'm having. Oh, no. I'm a procrastinator. Last night went to the dollar store in our town to get some Mother's Day cards for my mom, mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law. And they were pretty well sold out. So there was only a few cards left. Got kind of the generic ones for my mom and my mother-in-law. And then there was just a couple of faith-backed ones.

And a thank you for being a phenomenal black woman that you are, Mother's Day card. Oh, you got that one. I decided, you know, I felt a little guilty about buying it, but I decided getting it for my sister-in-law. She has a really funny sense of humor. I knew she would laugh really hard. when she opened it. So I decided to buy it and I'm in line. And I put my debit card in there and I started a punch of my number.

The man behind me sees what I'm buying. He happens to be black and he tells me to stop the transaction and I was a little confused. And he decided to basically pay it forward and bought the Mother's Day cards for me because he was excited that I was supporting strong black women oh my god it was more of a joke

and I'm feeling very guilty about it um dude that's hilarious I guess I'm just looking for some advice thanks yeah no wait hold on

the reason you love it is because it would happen to him it would happen to him yeah it would 100% happen to him to me yeah the reason I would say oh my god the reason I would say don't have

have any guilt about that is because you're at the dollar store. If he bought, if he was like, I'm going to pay for that Gucci bag. Young man, it's like a $400 gift. And then you let him like a fucking dickhead. Then I would, then I'd be like, yeah, you're a dick. You're at the dollar store. I mean, like just let everybody have their moment. Let him have his moment.

Let your sister-in-law have the funny moment. Like let yourself have the enjoyment of seeing her laugh. Oh my God. And then for sure tell her that. That's hilarious. That is a very funny. story, yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Wow. I've done stuff like that, but on purpose, too. Like, I've gotten some, like, for the happy, like, 50th birthday when it's like their 30th birthday. So, so, so,

there's, it's a funny joke regardless. Yeah. So, and, you know, I mean, you, well, inventory was low. You turned it into a joke. It's good. Yeah. What I thought, what he was going to say was stop the transaction. This isn't, you're treating black women like a joke. This isn't, because I didn't I was like, that would be so presumptuous. Yeah, I know. I know, I know, I know. I know. I know.

Yeah, he's like, you're getting this for a white woman? Yeah, he'd be like, holy shit. How did you know? He was a fucking wizard. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's like, no, my mom's black. I was adopted, dude.

Shut up. But yeah, you can pay for it. That's interesting, though. That is interesting. That's a curb for your enthusiasm, sketch. Yeah, for sure. Except Larry would, would like, over-explan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You would get caught. Like you would. right yeah right you'd be like actually she's not actually black and and then it would be too late to put the you know right that's what i would definitely do that yeah this guy was wise to stop you to stop the transaction this is a joke well not a joke it was low on inventory yeah i wouldn't have done if if there were more card i came too late i procrastinate is the thing um and they'd be like and what is funny about that yeah right yeah black women are a joke to you black women are a joke to you Black women are a joke to you?

Right, right, right. Yeah. Security. Yeah. Then the security comes as a black woman. What happened? Cops come. He's in jail on my own stuff.

Cops come. They're black women. What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? Put him in the slammer. Oh, they're black women.

Throw them in there. Kling! Another black woman because of right. What happened? So many black women. So inquisitive. so many curious black women I want to know so much about the guy

that was like what the guy was like being like let me pay for that you got to be paying attention to what the guy in front of he was even buying in the first place how often do you look at what someone else is buying in line yeah never never ever ever

Yeah. Never. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never. That is... But that's great. Definitely, definitely. You know what maybe think of is when you're a kid,

or when you're just starting to have sex, when you're starting to mumbo, and you buy condoms and you don't want people to know, you know? Mm-hmm. You know? I remember one time I was at... Where was it? What was it?

Was it save on or something, you know? Maybe save on drugs. Back in... And I bought condoms I mean, I was in my 20s, obviously, and I walked out, and as I was walking out, somebody was like, oh, what's up, Chris? Like from school, I guess, from, you know, maybe I hadn't seen him in a while, or maybe they were still in school or something.

I don't know. I go, oh, what's up? You know, and they got those see-through bags. And I go, ah, and I leave and I drive away. And then, like, a week later, Matt Schupper came up to me. He was like, I heard you hitting it. He was like, hey, man, I heard you bought condoms. Oh, my God.

Wow. I'm like, what? Such a small town thing, you know? I know. I go, yeah, my friend said he saw you were buying condoms. And then I was like, how the fuck did he see it, though? Like, it wasn't like I was like, I mean, I had it in the bag. And I definitely, you know me.

I wasn't like, it wasn't pressed up against the fucking thing like Jim Carrey and the, but like maybe some people like that black iron line like the guy you ran into. They're hyper aware of what people purchase. And they're always looking to see what they got. nosy. I mean, making it a bad thing, but yeah. Well, the nosy pieces of shit. It is kind of nosy, do you, I have a question. It's a nosy. If it's a see through bag and you see like the direct sign. If you notice it. Yeah. But if you try to see it, it's nosy. If you notice it. It's not, you're not bad. Well, you're noty. You're naughty. You're naughty. But so hold on, I have a question.

If somebody's texting next to you, do you look at what they're texting? Do you try to read it? A stranger. No, a stranger? Not a friend. A stranger? A stranger? All the time. Yeah. Only strangers. Somebody I know. I refuse. I know.

I only do with strangers. People I know they leave their phone out, I won't even look. Yeah, yeah, same. Yeah. But I want to know. Strangers, though, because I want to know their lives, dude.

And look at the other, open other text change and look at that. That's so bad. We're naughty. You're naughty. I do that. With strangers, I'll just be like this.

Mm-hmm. We'll kill him at 9 p.m. Shoot. What are you looking at? Nothing. I want to pay for your card You support black women You're white though, yeah

Never mind Not even at a store, you know Oh, I didn't pay for it, sorry I forgot, I got flustered Freeze! What happened? Oh! We got him Back up

Woo-hoo! What happened? Wow. Medics. Woo-woo! Black women come out. All right, we got it. What happened?

Cold blue. So many curious black women. Why, we never know what happened? All right. Yeah. Another one, yeah. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris.

What's up? I found a phone on the street on the ground. Done it. And I took it. And I thought, I'm going to try to return it to its rightful owner. Good person. Maybe someone else will find it and try to steal it. Right.

Good. And that's what happened. They called. I met them. I gave it back. Right. Is that one of those things that guys do? You know, you guys have talked about that before.

Like the elevator stuff, the doorway stuff, holding the door. I don't know. Am I a dick? A dick? Is that unnecessary? Huh? Discuss. What?

Oh, you did a thing that is ultimately ultimately, altruistic and did not have to do. Are you a dick? No. I don't even understand. I did a superhero thing. Am I a dick? No.

I saved someone's life from a burning building. Am I an asshole? No. I'm a doctor. I've been a doctor for 30 years. I've been curing people from cancer. I've saved about 27 lives. Am I a dick?

I don't understand. No, dude, that reminded me, though. One time I was walking my, this is when I lived downtown. I was walking my dog and I when I got back up to my loft, I realized that I didn't have my phone anymore. And I went back down, retraced my steps, my phone was nowhere, but I went to my computer or iPad,

find my iPhone, right? Oh yeah, I know this story. Fuck, this is crazy. And it was in the building, but in a certain part of the building where I knew that there was construction going on. And I just walked in there and there were like four or five guys. and I was like, hey,

I dropped my phone out there. It's probably right on the sidewalk, maybe one of you guys probably picked it up. Not trying to be accusatory right away, you know? Yeah. Because they might have picked it up. Who knows? They might have been that guy.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And they all just shrugged. They all just shrugged. Right. You know, like they didn't speak English or didn't know what I was talking about, whatever. And I was like, shit, what do I do?

And I went back up and I double checked. And I was like, oh, wait, no. that my phone is there. And I went back down there and I was like, you guys, one of you has my phone. I don't care which one it is. I don't care that you were planning on stealing it. I don't care if you were planning on selling it.

All I care about is getting it back. And if you don't give it back, then it's going to be a problem. But if you give it back, it's all done. Complete silence and stillness for like five seconds. And then the guy on the high. ladder painting at the highest ladder just slowly and sheepishly just starts coming down from the ladder quietly doesn't say anything goes to his back gets my phone out of the back and just hands it to me that's crazy bro and i was like that whole thing is crazy okay and i mean well you know why that

happened what what what race was the guy oh they were all mexican yeah he was probably illegal well what he did was also illegal but i was saying i mean if he wasn't you could just be like no i don't can fuck what we're going to do go to jail? I mean, I definitely could have called the fucking cops. That's theft, technically. If I know my phone is somewhere. True.

Yeah. But, but yeah, I mean, he didn't want to, I mean, he didn't, yeah, of course he didn't want to get in. Right, right, right. Wow, dude. But yeah. He fucking, wow. God his ass, dude. And then what happened?

I just took my phone and walked out like fucking John Wayne, you know? And you didn't say anything? Didn't say, none of us said a word. Oh, that, that's fucking. I was so happy, dude. I was like, that is the most, like, conflict resolution. That's pretty good. You know what I mean?

Like, there's the best possible conflict resolution. Well, you played it right, obviously. Yeah, I mean, like, I knew it was, I 100% knew it was there. Right. You know what I mean? There was no way around it. And I wasn't going to walk out of there without my phone. My favorite thing is going to be when somebody takes my phone and I go, hey, I know you took my phone and they say, no, I didn't.

And then I go, okay, it's not gonna happen. But what happens is you hit the watch, and then it comes up and it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, and then you get your phone. Yeah. You hit the watch and the phone button goes on? It will. It will eventually.

Now it'll do it in the middle of a bit. I'll be pissed and fuck all. All right, right, right. I didn't know that was a thing. It's not, well, it is with the Gar-Garman watch, you know. But it's just loud too. Get earmuffs. So no one, you know.

So if that happened, you're saying if that was me and I had the watch, I could have just been like said nothing and just been like that. And it would have been. Yeah, go in the guy's bag and take it. You're right. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that.

That's cool. Well, I don't know if they had it back then, but yeah, they do. I don't know why it's not doing it actually. It's fucking annoying. I'm annoyed. Yeah, that would be, yeah, I would be annoyed too. I'm not annoyed that you did it though. Yeah, because it's supposed to work.

No, I mean, I'm not annoyed that it took like a whole fucking minute of the show and nothing happened. I'm not pissed about that at all. Wow. So pissed. Well, you can cut that part. Cut it so you can cut it and make it look less, like it was less time. No, I think it's good. Let the people see.

Let the people see transparency is key. People like transparency. Just like there was great transparency with the Epstein files. It'll be just like that. God. You know? Yeah. Do you get, have I told you guys about when I got my phone?

When I was in the Epstein files? What? Did I tell you guys when I went to the island? When I got my phone, uh, stolen from me and then sold back to me. Oh, I remember that, yeah. Maybe. This was like more than 10 years ago.

There used to be a concert called FYF. Yeah, I remember that. And I got blacked out drunk and fell asleep on the street. Oh, you don't say. Jesus, man. And I woke up like maybe 3 a.m. Like just sitting on a stoop. Oh, you don't say.

What happened? And my phone was gone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You probably ain't a good part of town. There's a horrible part of town. Oh, yeah? No, you don't say.

Exposition Park done by USC. Oh, you don't say. So, I got in touch with this guy. I'll just fucking make this quick. Why? What? I mean, why make it quick? It's fucking hilarious.

Well. It's a pretty quick story. I mean, I remember the story. And I showed up, and I shot the guy. Well, we met up. First of all, he called and he said, hey, I saw your phone on the street. And I, like, so weird. He said something that was just like, you definitely just stole it for me.

Well, hold on a second. You called the phone or what? Like, how did you guys get in touch? He, so you put it in Lost Mode, right? And then, so then you put a different phone number what that person should call, right? Got it. Okay. From Lost Mode.

Got it. Which that person did. So he did. And back then, I used to actually have two phones. Okay? I always had two phones. Walter White. Kevin Gates.

And. Um, he called my other phone. And so now I'm talking to him and he was like explaining where he saw my phone or whatever. And I was like, I didn't believe him. So I was like, look, just meet up. I'll give you a hundred bucks. Right. And we met up and I gave him a hundred bucks.

And then he said, you should like take it easy on the drinking or something, man. Oh, my God. The guy who stole my phone from me. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Well, he probably thought it was a reward, though. Yeah, then he shouldn't have given the judgment then.

well it's a little different he made it sound like he was being black like like yes in the beginning you were like hey remember when this guy right right right held it for ransom I know I know a guy named Benjamin Franklin that's likely to yeah you made it sound different Chris

maybe maybe your friend Ben Franklin has something to say about wanting your phone back yeah and maybe he's got a twin does he you know have you heard of cloning Because... Have you heard of what? Cloning? Because it's a real thing.

And it exists. And I know that because there's plenty of Ben Franklin's out there. And if you could get five Ben Franklin's to show up a petition, if you get a petition and have five Bank franklins, sign that I should give you a mom back, you know, I would have to give it back. So worried that you're being recorded and it could be used in court, you know. The cops come, what, what, what? I wasn't saying money. I just believe in cloning. What happened?

Should we do one more? All right, what happened? Should we do more? Yeah, you'd do again. Hey, Chris and Matt, I was just in the grocery store trying to open a produce bag, and I was standing there rubbing the bag together for way too long. And I was like, wow, is this a bitch? Because it feels like it.

So I wanted to ask you all, is that? This is a bitch or not. Okay. Love y'all. Bye. Nice nails. Get a woman off. Not how it works, you know?

I mean, if you're doing this, then you're doing it wrong. The bean under the cellophane? Okay. I think that... You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I think that if you're doing it for too long, there's like a threshold of time that, you know, a time limit on it. If you do it for...

Okay. I'm allergic to... talking about grocery bags I like if you're doing it for more than like three seconds then yeah you just it's simple though it's it's a little gross it's like it's really gross when people do it when they're turning pages of a book when they lick their finger oh I didn't know you could lick your finger and do that with that oh dude really the book thing's disgusting yeah oh by the way

I did a social experiment in the name of the for the for the sake of this show I starved two different races of people. I got my dog is so old now. She doesn't really go on walks. She just goes in my front yard and takes her dukes. Okay. And I, for two weeks, I did this, okay? One week, I picked up the poop bag and put it in my trash bin, tied it off, put it in there.

Okay. Okay. You know, probably like 10 dog sheds. Sure. Okay. And. Oops. and there's a, there's, it's actually a broken bin, so it's even open, so like it doesn't

seal shut properly, okay? When I tied them off, the entire week, nothing smelled. Okay? Oh, yeah, okay. When I took the bag and just like twisted it but didn't tie it. So made like a half-assed effort to be like, whatever. It couldn't have smelled worse by the end of the way. Really?

I thought that, I would have thought that would have worked, maybe. Yeah, but also the truth, the absolute truth of the matter is, I still stand by the fact that I would not care if that was someone else's dog shit because I don't ever dwell by my trash bin. I mean, if your trash bin's close to your bedroom window, then I get it. If your trash bin's close to a place you walk by every single time you walk in and out of your house, I get it. But mine's not, so it just doesn't have that effect on me. But the experiment was run and it is true that it will build up and smell like an absolute rotting fucking corpse over the course of a week. But you're saying that because of the thing we talked about. Yeah, yeah.

But what is that? I understand it's the same subject. But what does that have to do with tying the bag? What does that have to do with what we were talking about earlier on another episode? I know that we talked about throwing dog shit in the trash can. My argument was it wouldn't smell over time. Oh, it was? It was one of my arguments was that it wouldn't smell over time because

Got it, whatever. But it does. But what was your argument? What was my argument? That it wouldn't, it wouldn't smell if you just put it in a bag? I just thought it wouldn't matter if it smelled it wouldn't, it wouldn't smell that bad by the- Oh, it's shit. Yeah, yeah, no, I ran the experiment.

I'm just saying I'm a scientist. Anyway, the reason I thought of it this time is because that's how I get the poop bags open because they're impossible to do this with. I do the finger, the, the, lick the fingers and then and then it's open right away. Yeah. Yeah. So it came full circle on that.

So your saliva mixed with dog shit. That's disgusting. It was better than sitting there like this for fucking a minute trying to get the bag open. No, no. Yeah, I know. I'm just. I think it's the dog shit that's disgusting, not my saliva. Yeah, that's doing the heavy lifting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. I, I, you know, I'm just really annoyed my phone didn't beep. It still hasn't beep, right? No, it's really annoying, dude. Because if I was standing there and there were a bunch of construction workers and I was just like, oh, yeah? And then had to wait for six minutes. At least.

Dude, just on the ladder. There I go, my phone's supposed to beep, but I still know it's here, actually. At that point, he probably would have come down and give him to you anyway because it would have been so weird, you know. He would have been like, this guy's not leaving. Damn, you wait so long. Yeah. Yep. Wow.

You know, you should have taken somebody with you, you know, when you did that. When I went to get my phone. I think about those things after the fact, yeah. That's why you're going to wind up with a fucking bullet between your eyes. I mean, you know. And I don't even mean to be crass. I just mean to be cautionary. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know, man. I've been in so many situations like that. and I've been in almost zero actual fights. People don't want to get into fights. I know, no, no, I know that, but some people do, but yeah. They act like they do. Right, right, right, right. They really don't.

But some people actually do, but yes. I understand, yes, I know what you're saying. Of course, some people do, but like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just saying. Anyway, uh, yeah, that's the episode. I'll be in San Jose. I'll be in Bray. I'll be in Pittsburgh, Salt Lake, City, Denver, Las Vegas, Nashville. Go to Chrissy.com, get tickets.

Thank you. Thank you.