Lifeline - 230. Thatassophobia

Episode Date: September 20, 2026

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Episode 230. Look at that. Would you believe it? September 20th. Asked your question. Yeah, I believe it. It seems like it. We've been doing it for a bit, you know?

2.30? 2.30? Yeah. Okay. It's John Berndal's birthday, Young Jock, and Gary Cole. What's up, John Bernthal? John Berthal's one of my heroes because he's the guy that led Shia to say, I love Home Depot. Oh, yeah.

That's cool. So he lives in it for me in my heart forever. He's also a good actor, so there was. go. So he does, oh, go ahead. Yeah. So he does,

he plays a punisher. I can, if you don't know who he is, but yeah. Yeah, it's a famous actor. No, no, no, no, I'm telling everyone. No, I know.

I'm saying, I think most people know who burned. Yeah, I would think so. Maybe not. Maybe not most people, but you might be right. You might be right. Who, uh,

who on God's green earth is young jock? That's a rapper. He's, he wrapped that song. He's going down. He's going down. He's going down. He's going down.

I mean, that's it. From the album, New Jock City. New Jock City. Oh, that's a good album title. Is it? Yeah, New Jack City. That's good. New Jock City.

Right. I understand. I mean, oh. I'm commenting on the play on words. It was just making Jerry. Oh. Yeah. Well, so that's...

And it's also Gary Colesberg. Who's that? Gary Cole, I mean, he's a lifelong character actor, but he plays the guy most famously in office space that's like, ooh, yeah, I'm going to need to have you come in on a Saturday. You think that's the most famous way's from me, probably, huh? He's got to be. Well, he's been in some big things. Yes, yeah.

And many shows, movies. He's been around forever, and he's also looked 51 for 31 years. Oh, look at him now. Never mind. Well, no, no. He looks good, dude. Look at him. Yeah, he looks good, yeah.

So it's weird that some guys... Oh, he plays the dad in the Brady Bunch. Oh my God. NCIS since 2003? Or that's just when since NCIS was a... Yeah. No, he was... He...

By the way, is that still on? NCIS is still on. I believe, if I'm not mistaken, NCIS is still... Is that the one with Mark Harmon? The original one is, yes. Um... One of them, I believe,

is still the biggest show in the world. I could be wrong about that, but I think network-wise, I think it's still a big show. But is Mark Harmon one still on? That's NCIS. Yeah, I know. So it says since 20.

Right, I know, but there's like 900 spinoffs. So I don't know if this one's still on. No, this one's still on. Wow. Yeah. And Mark look. Look at Mark. Wow.

He finally looks old. I mean, how old is he? You know, 75. Yeah, I mean, you don't get this. I'm just saying he's the most handsome man on earth. Yeah, he always looks forever. And he still looks great. Don't get me wrong.

But he's old. He got old. Sexist. When was Mark Harmon's sexist man alive? The year before or after me? No, it was before you, I guess, technically, because you haven't gotten it yet. What year? 1986.

Okay, so the year right before me. You were two years old. No, I was seven. Wait, 1986, you said? I was seven. You were seven, I was four. Sorry, I get me and you mixed up at the time. A lot of people do.

Why has cut me off? Why has cut me off? I don't. You literally did when I said why you always cut me out. I don't know, man. You just did again. I'm just saying, men should never take a picture like that with the pillow on the left.

Ever, ever, ever. I honestly genuinely disagree. Go to the shirt, the chest hair one, black and white. Falling down. That one falling down. I, my dream of dreams is to have a photo of me like that once in my life. Martin Luther King Jr. gay.

Martin Luther. Okay. So, yeah, well, anyway, so NCAS is still on, I guess, which is fucking absolutely insane. That's like the new house. Remember when that shit wouldn't die? No, it's not the new law and order. Right, right. It just doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. I mean, I never. I just meant house was one of those shows where I was like, that's still on. But yeah. Law and order is just at this point, like Saturday Night Live. Yeah, law and order is now, I think, in 30 plus years for real. Yeah. Yeah, right? That's just too. I mean, it started with Jerry Orbach and Paul Sorvino and now, I don't know the,

nose or cares. Everybody watches it no matter of what with this. Gum, go, go, gum. By the way, that's the, isn't that the woman who did the Emmys? Let me tell you something about that. Let's talk about that. Yeah. Marisch Gahardtah, your daughter.

Bless you. She's the daughter of a, who's her mom? She died tragically in the car accident. Oh, fuck. Jane Mansfield. Yeah, Jane Mansfield. Okay. Jane Manfield's car.

To me, that's unrelated to what I'm about to say. But to me, the fact that she's hosting the Emmy, she hosted the Emmys is a sign of the fact that the Emmys are something that no one gives a flying rat fuck about anymore. What do you think? To be honest, I did not know that the Emmys were Sunday until Tuesday. Okay. Until Tuesday. I did not know that the Emmys were in my corner.

That would be part of my point. That's what I'm saying. And also Eric Griffin was saying on Goldenauer that he thinks that this is what now they're doing because they don't, they can't get, they don't want comedians to do it because it just sparks controversy and outrage. So this is the safe thing. Okay, but there's a difference between a comedian and, let's say, a Conan and also someone who is actually really famous, unlike Mariska Hargitay. She's famous. She's in a sect of, yeah, sure. She does what she does, and she's famous for that.

Yeah, but it's like having, I mean, I don't know. Yeah, no, it's not, she's... Like a regular actor host. To be honest, nobody knows her name. Well, no one can even say her name. Right. But, like, to your point, like, it used to be like, I mean, I'm not like long from the old day.

I don't give a shit about the Emmy. You're talking to wrong. But, like, it used to be like, I mean, like, Billy Crystal did the Oscars, but it was like big, huge stars. Yeah, no knock on her. It's just, no, of course not. She's, I mean, what she's going to say no? I mean, maybe.

I don't know. I guess she could, of course. It's not like it does anything for her. But it was also horrible. You saw some of it? Just the opening thing. Oh, you saw like the opening monologue? Was she doing jokes?

No, it was no jokes. It was a music, you know, they did like a film. Yeah, like a dance number. Oh, God. I saw still from it. Guys were like holding her up or something. Right, but that was just the end. They shot stuff, like pre-shot stuff.

It was truly, okay, so, you know, I love rock and roll. You know that song? I love rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. They made it. Dude, it's actually, I feel a certain way even just saying it. I love TV screens. No.

Yeah. That didn't happen. What? Yeah. That didn't happen. That's, you saw that? That's a true. tragedy you saw that look me in the eye and say yeah i don't believe it's a tragedy i don't

believe i don't believe no it's it's it's the i i would say out of everything that's ever happened for tv that's the worst thing that's ever happened is that monologue that that that that musical number that they did whoever wrote that and had that idea should be fired it's piss poor it's exactly what's wrong with television yeah it's network tv at least it's just do you know I'm sorry. It's truly antiquated. It's fucking, it's just, you know, and to be honest, I don't know if it's fucking the same, you know, look, the same white writers or if it's the woke DEI. I have no fucking idea. Whatever it is, I don't know who's writing for it. Whatever, whoever did that is, it's, it's a shame. And you should be, you should just

feel really badly. Do you know, uh, out of curiosity? Do you know how the rest of it went? No. I love TV screens. Like, it was like, no, I, no. I mean, I saw it. You should. I don't remember it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, just you saying that is like, I know. I was already like a little bit down, a little depressed today. But then. That took me further down. But then when I saw, when it's like, here's the whole thing. And I said this already on golden hour, but. This is exactly the problem.

Most people aren't even watching TV screens anymore. No. So it's like you're saying you love TV screens and people are seeing this on the iPad and computer. It's just so. Or their phones. Well, right. But it's just so awful. It's so, I've never seen something so off.

Like outdate. Just just wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Entirely. it's bad it's it's it's it's probably the worst thing i've seen on tv in man i don't know i'd have to think it's it was just it was just bad did you watch a live or a clip no i watched it i watched a clip i watched it on gold an hour i couldn't believe it it hurt you know and i know what you mean yeah it's just like like i used to be in that business you get a little sad yeah and

i'm i it just it made me fucking sad and and and and and it made me fucking sad and and and and it made me feel like, oh, you know, it had its day, you know? That is the ultimate truth. TV and Hollywood, they had its day. And I'm not saying I know where it's going to go. I'm not saying it's going to die in the next 10, 15, 20 years. I'm just saying the days of TV and movies are just past us. I can't, I just can't, I actually can't believe that.

I don't really put much shit past. Hollywood and TV and shit. But I cannot believe they did that. I can't believe it. I don't. You know John Mullaney was a writer on that, you know, or some sure. Was he? I know he did a, I know he did a thing on it, but that's it.

I mean, you know. I don't know. I saw a few of things that he said it was funny. I'm just busted his and I'm not. I actually think he's funny now. I never used to think he's funny. Oh, really? I saw a baby John.

What was that especially? Baby J. Baby J. Oh, I don't know. I see it. That made me laugh. Yeah, I don't see anything. Also, the Emmys were on Monday?

Don't know. Who the fuck knows? And... Oh, yeah, they put it on Monday, right? Because it was Sunday that was the day they shot it and then they put it on Monday. Is that true? Or was it just Monday? I thought it was, but I don't know.

The Emmys were on a Monday night? Yeah. I don't really know. But I... What is anyone thinking? Why fucking, who cares? Put it on a Sunday night because it's always been on a Sunday night. So what, though?

What the fuck's it matter? Nobody's watching it anyway, and it's it? It's stupid. Did you see the way Ben, why do them? I don't know, man. They had a friend who was nominated. I had a friend who was nominated.

She lost. Sorry, Brittany. You're friends with Domingo, whatever, Coleman? No. You go to my gym. Him and Mel Gibson. She was nominated for the pit. She lost.

Oh, the guy that was nominated in the same category, one for the pit. Oh, nice. Every nomination category had like seven pit nominees. I know. And then a widow. Bay too, which is terrible. Well, no, it's not terrible. No, the first three episodes are good, and then it's terrible. Did that win best show? Yeah, and the woman who in it won, and she's,

well, I don't like the kind of acting. I don't want to be shitty to her, but I just don't like, the, like the, the, the, the, quirky, I never like anyone quirky. Oh, I know, keep going. Yeah. She's just like, you know. But she won? Yeah. Was she quirky when she won or was she, oh, I didn't see it. I've only saw that part, okay, the beginning part. Anyway, yeah, I, I can, I can't believe it. I think she's good in that show. I mean, it's the role. What's you're going to do? I'm talking about the, not the, not the, I'm talking about the younger. I know, no, I know. Oh, really? You two? Okay. Would you see that and know I wouldn't like it? Yes. Oh, wow. And you do, huh? Interesting. Yeah, I'm not like, whoa. No, I know. I know. I know. She's being funny. She's making

fun. Yeah. Oh, wow. She's making funny choices. Oh, wow. Totally to me exactly how like, I just don't like it when an actor, and, and this is me, you know, when an actor does exactly what the writer thought he was going to do and the producer and the director thought they were going to do. It's just, it's just not, it's not creative to me. I mean, I guess it is creative, but it's not. That's interesting. I don't get that from her, but I know what you mean. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, whatever, you know, like, like, like, you know, and I look back on it now and I don't think it's top-notch comedy, but when I see, when I go, when I, when I look at friends, like, The way all of those people did all that was the was a little bit offbeat.

It wasn't the way that that things were going. Like Matthew Perry had a new interesting way to do shit. Ross was funny. Even Joey played a different kind of dumb guy. Lisa Gujarra was well Lisa Gujarra was the number one offbeat. Yeah. But yeah, it's just it's just the way they did it was was just not. I bet it was nothing like how they thought it was going to be.

You make a show called Friends. You go, yeah, this will be just regular. Yeah, you know? And then it'll be over and it's a season half. And they turned it into something just totally weird offbeat and funny. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, same with Seinfeld, you know. But, um, so yeah.

Now, those aren't actors, but, you know, friends ones were. Anyway, all right. I mean, Jerry's not. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Have you seen the outtakes?

I know we've got to get going, but have you seen the outtakes of Seinfeld ever? Uh-uh. Dude, it's funny because they're all very different. And George and Julia and Jerry will all laugh and have a good time and whatever. And Michael Richards is, even when he's like smiling and being like, I get it, he's like, you fucked up this day and I'm pissed. Oh, wow, that's funny. And you can just tell that he's mad.

He's just like such an actor. He got cast in that crazy-ass role. Yeah. But he's just like, right, right, right. Don't you're, this is your job. What are you people like doing? Yeah. Like stop laughing.

Right, right, right. It's like that. You know what I mean? Dude, I love TV screens. Oh my God. I mean, there's, I was looking at just like a clip of it on YouTube here while you guys are talking about. And she's starting off the thing where the first time she says, I love TV screen, she's on an airplane looking at a screen. Right.

Which is not a TV screen. Wait, what? Yeah. I mean, did AI write it? I mean, that, that, that, that, that, I don't believe that AI did. I'm just saying that that that's crazy. Unless like, you know, United paid for some of it. Like that, that that is so weird.

There was like a, what's her name was in it? Who I love. Jennifer Coolidge. Is that her name? Yeah, yeah. It just is so bad. Anyway. Anyway, do one?

Oh, wait, I'm going to be in Atlanta, Birmingham, Buffalo, what's Ben Salem, but I'll be there. Ben Salem, where you've been seeing that? Oh, it's after. I guess it's after Paris, or after that. Anyway, I'm going to be in a bunch of places in Europe, Hamburg. Yeah, Ben Salem.

I got this. Go back up a little bit. I got this. So, Chrisley.com. He'll be in Manchester. he'll be in London the worst accent the London

nope riding a small tricycle this all it's all dummy he'll be you need to oblige him he'll be in Vienna also known as

Vienna he'll be in Stockholm he will be in Ben Salem he will be in Wellington Florida well he will be in Tyler

Texas he will be in San Diego he will be in oh yeah Okay. Wisconsin. Well, I mean, yeah, you don't have to do all of them, you know?

I want to do it. I just think it's, okay. You have a problem with it? No, man, Appleton, Wisconsin is going to be so cold in December 13th. Oh my God. Wow, yeah. So is Indianapolis? All right.

Houston. All right. I'm done. Okay. And of course, subscribe to our Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash Lifeline luxury where it's just bantas sicken it. No submissions.

Subscribe to this YouTube channel, super good studios. subscribe to my Patreon, patreon.com slash Matt Delia. It's getting wild in there, man. Yeah? It really is getting wild in there. Matt Delea gone wild? I mean, I got to kick some people out sometimes. Okay, yeah.

I want to give you a guess. Have I had to kick out more men or women? I would say probably men. Incorrect. I would have guessed that too. Why? Why women more women? Women be crazy sometimes.

You know? Okay. And I don't want to say stalker behavior, but like, you know, close enough. Right, right, right, right. And then it becomes the whole thing with the big group because it's a community. You know what I mean? So everyone's like, oh, he likes her, da, da, da, da, da, and she likes it. Oh, God.

This is not high school. Wow. You know what I mean? But if you're an adult, a mature, fun-loving. party-loven, like a party animal, world-loven, individual become a member.

So a world-loven? You got to love the world. Nobody said, you got to love people, man. All right, well, let's do a... Chris, Matt,

got a two-parter for you. So the first part is, I've been seeing this chick for about six months now. Nothing official or serious, but it's to the point where I've spent enough time with her, where I am considering.

considering making it official. There's one thing that bothers me a lot, though, is every time I tell her a story or something about my life, she doesn't inquire further about what I said or show genuine interest. That's hilarious. She kind of just laughs or says, wow, and then go straight into telling me something about her life. That's bad. But she does it to what seems to me to kind of one-up me. Whatever she tells me, it has to be like crazier or better in some sort of way.

So I'd love your advice on how to deal with that. or if I'm just being Chris and policing the conversation because I have made up rules in my head about how a conversation works. And the second part of the question and more pressing matter is, what do you want to know? You want to know if I did it or not?

I know that's De Niro, but I don't know which movie it's from. Please help discuss. Oh wait. What do you want to know? You want to know if I did or not? Oh, wait, what the fuck? Yeah, what is that from?

What do you want to know? You want to know if I did or not? I actually don't know. Oh, fuck. And I'm not gonna- I must have said it on my podcast. And I'm not gonna wreck my brain. I refuse.

You want to know if I did it on that? Fuck! That's gonna eat me. All right, well, go ahead, go to the first one. Yeah, if I was with a girl and every single story I told about myself or my experiences or whatever,

even if they were boring, which they're not, mind you. Your stories? Yeah. and she never once inquired further about any of the, any of the details of any of it. And on top of that was like, oh, now it's my turn to talk about me and tell you an even better story,

or at least I think so, better story in a similar vein to not to one up you necessarily, but maybe. But like, that is a strange brain. and and and and and I'm not saying cut loose, cut loose, but what I am saying, if you want to know what I would do, I know exactly what I would do because I've done this before.

I was dating a girl once and she's, and she did something similar. I wasn't dating for six months, six months, bro? Like, that's a long time. Long time, yeah. So like two, maybe two months in, I don't even know if it was that long. I was like, can I ask you something?

And she was like, yeah. I said, how come, Every time I tell you a story, you don't respond or inquire about it. And she was like, do I not do that? Yeah, no, something, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, I'm not trying to call you. I'm genuinely curious. Like, how could you not seething, but yeah.

It was so long ago. I barely remember. I don't even remember her name. My God. Oh, Claire. Player. I fucking smashed it for long. but she was just completely unaware that she did that yeah yeah so yeah yeah that i yeah that

it's a weird it's a what and now that woman is jk rowling so she she's good at storytelling i should have listened yeah she controversial but good at story telling and um i just think people don't know how they come off and they and they and more often yeah that we realize people don't realize how they come off in conversation. And it's like they all got to go to conversation school. Right. In a lot of ways. And some people just don't get the flow of conversation and how it works and some

do. But there's a, there's a possibility that you can ask her that. Yeah. In a totally, like non-accusatory way out of pure curiosity. And she might give you an answer like I got. that was like a real actual, oh, I didn't realize I did that. Yeah. And then, but let me say, if it's not that.

If it's not what? What you're saying? Her answer? If she knows she's doing it or if she's just like, yeah, but I want to tell my story. Yeah. That's indicative of a whole bigger issue, I think. Oh, 100%. And I think that that's maybe, I think I fall on the side of that's way worse than probably

probably the normal person thinks. I But Well, what do you think The normal person thinks? Because that The normal person probably just thinks That's annoying

But wouldn't care It wouldn't be like a You know, I guess it bothers this guy in the relationship But a normal person would just kind of I think a normal person would That wouldn't be a make or break thing But I think it would for me

Maybe right. Yeah. Oh, it definitely Yeah, it was for me. Oh. But I, you know, I think that That's weird. Well, it's also weird for me.

I think about it If it were me, I would think that that would be crazy because how could you not want to know more? Well, no, but also I'm a really good storyteller and like, that's my job. So if then somebody... Oh, you're saying right. Yeah, then I would be like, you're... You don't tell me a story after that. It's so bad.

Yeah. I guess that's shitty, but it's not shitty. I mean, it's just... I mean, look, I want to hear about your day and what the fucking, you know... But here's a thing. Were you raised by wolves? or people. Because if you were raised by people,

you know that when someone tells you a story, you say something about that story. Yeah, it just has... Even if it's the shittiest story you ever heard in your life. Yeah. Now, because you care about that person. Wow.

So it, it confuses me on a level of like, what is going through her mind. She just could be totally unaware of it. I don't know. She could also, it could be a ton of things. It could be like, oh, I heard his story, but I don't want him to think I'm boring, so I'm going to tell him a good...

You know what I mean? mean like it could be a bunch of different things and that's like endearing you know like so you the stuff you can get past so yeah just bring it up do that bring it up and do that yeah and and i i i i can't believe how much the what do you want to know you want to know you want to know if i did or not is i i can't believe how much that's bothering me that's a top-notch bothersome thing and we have to look it up just look it up yeah because otherwise i would not look it up and just all day try to guess it. But my God, because I've seen it in the last few years.

That's the thing. What do you want to know? You want to know if I did it or not? Dude, so I tried looking this up and I can't. I'm still working on it. I don't think that he didn't say that in the movie. I'm being honest. He did.

I'm not saying I've seen every rubber there. Hold on. Oh, fucking. No, it's okay. What do you want to know? You want to know if I did it or not? Got your hair thing? I think also the problem is is that I think that that's not entirely.

accurate what he says or similar to that? It's very close. Calling him out. Calling him out. I mean, to me, the only other explanation is, is it's a different actor. We're just conflating the two. But, but no, it definitely happened in a movie that I've seen and I think it's De Niro. Fuck. What do you want to know? You want to know if I did it in that? Is it a recent performance? All I know is I saw it recently. Okay. So I don't, I want to say, you know, I'm

trying to think of him doing it younger and thinking of him doing it older. I don't know. It sounds like a thing he, I mean, a line from a movie he would do when he was older. It does? It does to me, yeah. You think so? Why? Yeah, because it's cops and it's like, it's like suspects and mystery.

He didn't do that shit when he's younger, right? He was in, like, taxi driver and deer hunter, you know what I mean? That's a good point, yeah. What was he in recently? Look up to Niro. I mean, God damn. There's like the Irishman. I know, but it's not.

that. It's, it's, but there you know, I just did, I just I mean, it could be the Irishman. I don't think, is it whisperman? No. No. No, I just saw whisper man, you know. It wasn't bad, dude. But yeah, look at the recent stuff. Oh. I think, I think it is the Irishman. I think, yeah, I think, when he's

sitting with his lawyer. I think, I, oh, it is. Yes, it is the Irishman. We talked about it congratulations. That's why it was in a preview. Oh, really? That's why. What do you want to want to know if I did or not? I mean, it is. I said it so many times on one episode and that's why it, fuck, it is the Irishman. Gosh, yes, dude. What am I know? You want to know if I did or not? Yeah, now I get it. He's sitting them across from the tape for the table. Yeah, it's with his lawyer or whoever. Wasn't it Joe Montania or something? The only movie that I mentioned it could be from

was the Irishman. I just wanted to go down on record and I was right. So, Okay. All right. Next one. You welcome, Guy, with a perfectly trimmed beard. Hey, Delia boys. Kayla from East Coast Canada here. I need some advice.

So my husband and my seven-year-old daughter and myself have like a super cute, happy, loving little family. But lately it's been to the point where our daughter is like a little too obsessed with us. She'll come up and like want to kiss us on the lips all the time and just be like, and then like hold our face and be like, like, it's too much. much. So my question is how do we address it with her that it kind of like makes us uncomfy and to knock it the fuck off without it being like a core memory for her. Like I don't want her to be embarrassed or anything like that. But she's got to knock it off. Like it's, it's become too much. I mean, what is? I don't want to make it with my kid anymore. So,

yeah, any advice would be great. And also, Chris, please, please for the love of God, come to the East Coast of Canada. We love you here. I know. Okay, bye guys. Thank you. I'm going to Buffalo. I don't know if that's because I thought about this last night because I was with Calvin. He's six. And I just had this thought that I was like, wow, I used to like, you know, hold his face and when he was a baby and kiss it and all that. And I just thought like, it's crazy. I don't do that anymore. And it would be totally weird if I did, you know. I kiss his cheek and stuff and like, you know, sometimes hold him when he was going to bed. But like, but like, you know, watching TV. He'll, you know, but like, yeah, what she's talking about at seven, it's, it's probably we, I don't know,

yeah, I can't imagine if Calvin was doing that. And furthermore, you know, what they're doing is not like wrong. So you don't want to be like, don't do that. You don't want to be like, right. do that. And, but, but here's the other thing, too. It's a daughter and like, if she's doing that to your husband, that's a, that has to stop at, you know what I mean? So, like, I don't, I don't know about, I don't know about drawing that distinction yet. Yeah, I know. I, I agree with you. It might, it might just run its course. Well, that's what I was going to say. Yeah, it might, it might be too much to bring it up right now. I don't know, though. I mean, is she a fucking facehugger? Like, like, like, how, how, how intense?

is this? Like, can you get her off of you? Like, because there's versions of it where it's like, you're on, mommy, it's uncomfortable. You don't have to make it about the kissing. Oh, yeah. And if it is, I mean, I don't wanna get graphic about it, but if it's like you've meant, you use the term,

so it's not my fault. You said making out, and I understand it's a joke. But like, if it's that like intense and overboard, just it's as simple as something as... Yeah, give mommy her own space. Yeah, like mommy needs her space right now. Dude, I have a friend who's... I mean, he's not seven, but he's...

He might be five now. His son might be five now. I have a friend. He might be five now. I think he's four. It doesn't matter. Anyway, he kisses me all the time. The kid.

The kid. And, and... At first, I was like, like the parents were around. Well, yeah, you don't want, you're like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, but, but they're good friends. Right. They were like, I don't, I don't know, he just loves you. I, we don't really understand why he does that.

Oh, okay. So they had, they said that. He could try to explain it, but you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Right. Um, and, uh, it's just gonna go right, right, right, right. He's not going to be six and seven.

and being like, Matt, and jump all over me and start kissing me. Hello? Hey, Matt, what are you doing, dude? I'm coming over. I'm going to kiss you. Just fucking 19. I just think, unless it's been going on for like, you know,

six months or something, it will pass. Yeah, I agree. But there's no, dude, I can't emphasize this enough. Like, you cannot shame your child. No, no, definitely don't do that. for trying to give affection to the people they love the most on earth. You can't even, you can't even, like, come close to it.

You gotta be fucking careful, for real. And that's all I'll say about that. Mm. So deep- Because that'll fuck, yeah, that'll fuck you up. That'll fuck you up. Sedeeper. No, totally stood deeper. I'll fuck you up.

Wow. I'm fucked up. Oh, okay. Well. But, What are you doing? Me? Yeah.

That's the saw thing. Oh, got it. Can't believe you didn't know that. I mean, how did you not know that? I also said it. I know. Oh. I know.

Well, I heard you say it, but I was like, you know, I've never seen any saw a movie. Wow. But neither, I mean, he hasn't. I saw the first one. I did. I did. Yeah. And that doesn't count.

If you've seen the first one, then you've seen a saw a movie. That is a... Okay. You know everything about all the song movies if you've seen the first one. Which I guess... Yeah, I don't even know if I finished it. You've never seen any saw movie?

Nope. Do you not like horror at all? Like that kind of horror? It doesn't bother me. I don't mind horror. Seen every single one, even the one with Chris Rock. Oh, that's right. Chris Rock did one any fucking...

Man, where to fuck? You know, you know... He's on the microphone. He directed it. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Isn't that crazy? What a career, man. What a fucking weird career.

Yeah, good for him. He just directed a new movie. It's getting a lot of buzz, but... I thought you were maybe doing Krusty the Clown. What? Wanted you to be doing Krusty to the Clown so bad. He said, I thought you were maybe... The laugh you were doing sounds like Krusty.

Oh, yeah. It does. Yeah, it also sounds like the Joker at the end of the Batman with Michael Keaton, but it's not. It's the one in fucking song. Oh, it does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what's up, dude. I know all my stims, dude.

What is that laugh coming from? It's like... coming from like the recording, the recording of, it's not the actual. You know what? I fucking, I don't know at this point. Well, because he's dead. Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, but also, well, no, not in the first one he wasn't, but the, the, the, the, God,

that first movie was so good. That first movie was so good. Saw. Yeah, I saw it. No, no, saw. Saw. Saw, saw, saw. Yeah.

I saw saw, saw, saw, saw, saw, saw, saw. Yeah, that movie was so, that fucking movie was so right on the. fucking money, dude. Right on the money, bro. Oh, right on the money. When he gets out of that tub, you go, Oh, wow. Antonio Banderas.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah. You do the Banderas, yeah. What if that's exactly how he did that in the movie? I know I'm exaggerating it, but what if that's how he did? Oh, Christ.

We'd like it even more? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's tough to like more than you. He kind of can't go wrong, yeah. So close. Hey, Matt. Chris, Jeman, Albuquerque, New Mexico. I am one of the original fans out here.

Probably, probably the first one. Chris, you blocked me. I think I made some joke about your pants. They weren't even yours. There were some guy wearing shitty pants, and I tagged you and said, are these your pants or something? And you had that lightning thumb on blocking me on Instagram. I've never been able to follow you. I used to the first fan in all of Albuquerque.

Anyways, what is more? Sibich, then let's say you've got three urinals and they don't have the divider in between them. And there's two regular height ones and then one short one, you know, one lower one. Yeah, always. You know, wheelchair people. Or kids. I mean. And there's a guy on the far right one.

Okay. What is more sub-bitch using the one directly next to him as regular height than being, right next to a guy when there's you could have had a space or using the little short one so that you can have a space one of those two decisions all right well it's spit well i don't which one is it i don't think it's a bitch but it is a fucking funny dilemma to me i mean i laughed legit so i to be honest the little one i i kind of sometimes prefer. I prefer the little one. Yeah. Is that weird? Is it the same reason? Splashback. We're going splashback. We going splash back. Let's take him the wall. Let's take him to party.

You use a regular urinal. You're going to get splashback. Let's take him to pee. You use the junior and you might get slosh on the shins, but that's way better to get splash back on your cock and balls. Remember that? Why are you playing with your cocking balls? You're going to splashback. let's take him the let's take him the poop oh boy yeah take the junior you know like that's where you draw the line dude oh boy

we fucking do so much juvenile shit he goes oh boy I'm quitting that's the jaw rule song like it was as bad as I love TV screens yeah I'm not surprised but I completely concur about the junior yeah I don't but

but knowing that it's for kids or wheelchair people? I didn't know that. That's not. He's, that's not right? No.

Okay. Wheelchair people? Handicap? No, no. I'm not. Oh. I'm saying how. They all, they use the mechanism of it.

They use the whole, they use the sit down one. Yes. I mean, they could. They should put chin up bars and a string so you police system, you put yourself up at the chin up bar and then you're just pissing in the urinals. It's like just Let's take it and pee So Probably don't have to worry about splashback if you do that

We're going to splashback They're so high up Their feet are dangling Yeah Pissing all over their feet And then it's dripping into the urinal Um Ah shit

You hear from up top Um Yeah If you know it Yeah I don't It's a bitch is the wrong thing It's not sub bitch

It's not sub bitch It's not sub bitch Neither one is the bitch. It's at most... I mean, you could do it, so bitch. It's a funny dilemma. Yeah, yeah. At most, it's a Sincey because you go,

I don't want to be next to that guy or I'm going to... To me, it's Sincy. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like, you know, fucking piss. What are you going to accidentally suck? That guy's cock? Like, what's the concern here?

There's a little one or... I don't want him to think. I'll just use this one. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Oh.

Oh. Ha! Ha! I mean, like, what's the, what's the risk involved either way? Like, like, pissing next to a guy with a fucking barrier between you? And a guy, and a guy pissing and you're trying to suck me off? What, dude? I'm just pissing.

Yeah, I don't think, to be honest, I don't even think about it. Maybe I've had a, maybe I'd have a little thought if there was one open. I'd be like, oh, I don't, maybe I won't do anyone next to him because fuck it. But yeah, I, I almost prefer those smaller ones. No, I seek the small one. I see, I mean, fucking, uh, uh, Plato. I seek the low down. Gay, get low. Gay.

Get low. Gay, Plato. Get low down. I just seek it. Hey. I want, I want, I'm on the hunt for the low one. Give me that low pisser. Uh, yeah, I don't think that it is.

It's a bitch, though. But, yeah, I do think, though, I will say, sorry about the, you know, the block, I block people way, way, way too easily. You know, I had a chip on my shoulder. You had that trigger figure. Yeah, because I thought, you don't know me, man. I don't, I'm, because I had this thing where like people, it, this, it came from, this is very annoying for a comedian.

People think that they're funny, just. Just because you're funny. But they think, tell me if this is worse. And I would guess it is. They think they know what's going to make you laugh. Well, but that's kind of what it is, though. They go, they go, fuck you. And you're like, what?

And you go, hey, relax. You're the one who's supposed to take a joke. And you're like, that's not a joke. And I don't know you. I'm funny. Yeah. What you did was not. Just because I know what's funny.

Does it, you know what I mean? You also, you said, fuck you to me. And that's not a joke. Yeah. That stuff happens. You suck. And then you go, what? You go, oh, bro, chill.

You know, I thought you were just... That's the best, dude, when somebody will fucking just, like, go to town on you in the comments, and then you'll write back and they'll be like, oh, dog, I was just playing with you. I loved you since forever. And you're just like, what? It's really weird. That's most of the time, though. I know.

It makes no sense. And so that's why I stopped doing that because I'm like, oh, I'm just blowing it out of proportion. They don't even mean what they're saying. But I always took it as... You know, I had a chip on my shoulder because I was like, you know, coming up I would be like, they don't even know me. They don't like me for me. They don't, you know, they think I'm funny and that's cool. But like, then don't like cross the line and be like saying something about me.

It was just fucking insane. It was, you know, it was. Sedeeper. Yeah, Sadeeper, really. You know? What are you do? We all have it. Yeah, so I would unblock him if I knew his thing.

I think I could help you. Okay. We might get him on blocked. Let's get him on blocked everybody. I don't even know what I blocked him on. Maybe Instagram I would say. Gotta be Instagram. Yeah, probably.

I could have been an adult friend finder. When I used to do. Do another one now. You know. Recently, there was a man at my apartment and he got hungry. Friend of the show. I said, you need my address so that they could deliver it to my car. Oh, yeah.

He said, will you eat? I said, no, thank you. He goes, okay, no, no, I'm just going to order it to my place. and then I'll eat it later when I get home. I said, oh, that's so silly. You're hungry and you're here. Just order it here. Yeah, of course.

He goes, no way, no way. I'm not going to eat in front of you. You're going to think I'm gross. I tried to affirm him and I would not think he's gross. Also, I've seen him eat before. And it was regular. I eat through my asshole. He went back and forth on this a couple of different times

throughout the rest of the evening. But eventually he goes, just call Lifeline. He knows I'm your biggest fan. He said, just call Lifeline and ask them, they'll get it. They'll get it. Oh, wow. No.

So do you get it? No. Because I don't. It's just a dude thing to want to go home and take your shirt off and eat a chicken sandwich and your underwear alone. That's what he said. That made me feel confused and also sad, a little suspicious. But I am your biggest fan, so at least he got that right. Let me know what you think.

I love you guys. I mean, if it was like, well, I'll be home in an hour anyway. Yeah, that's what I was. But if it's like we're hanging out at four and we might hang out. Yeah, that's really weird. You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah. No, I, I, I, I, I're gonna think I'm gross.

Like, what do you, what are you a fucking caveman? Not. Is your name org? Like, well, how bad do you, how, how much of a piss poor eater are you? He's just, he's just, he's just, he's just all over his fucking, you sure? Yeah. All right. She goes

Oh now I get it You said Lettus here Yeah I I don't I don't I'm not I ultimately am not on that guy's side

Yeah I mean I love my favorite part of it was call Lifelineville agree with me And I don't just like you're fucking Crazy dude Like come on I don't think he I understand the thought. Me too, but she said he's eaten in front of her before. I still understand it.

Wow. Because if you're at a restaurant is different, then you're on the couch watching a thing. I don't agree with him. I'm just trying to understand. You think she's just going to be like this? No, no, no. But watching a meet?

No. You got that big of a problem? Go in the other fucking room and eat. Well, that's figured out. That's, that's, no. You know what? That's weird, but it's not weirder than what he did. He is hungry.

Yeah, I agree. And he wants to order food and only isn't because she doesn't want to. And she says, no, no, go ahead. And he says, oh, no, forget it. I'm not going to order it. They're dating, right? Like, it's got to be. I mean, I'm assuming. I have to assume.

Yeah. Otherwise, that makes no sense. But, yeah, I don't know if that's, I don't know. I mean, to be honest, if a woman did it, that would make sense, because woman feels like they need to be proper and like not. I still think it's silly. But no, that's crazy for a dude to do that. And I don't, I don't, I understand his thought, but I don't get it.

I don't, I, there's no way in fucking hell. Yeah. If I was hungry. Yeah. I wouldn't eat in front of somebody. Yeah. Anybody. Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I fucking make it a point to eat in front of people. Okay. Well, that's different. Even if they're not eating and they're hungry. No, I just, yeah. Yeah, I mean, granted, I will, the one thing I will grant him is that there are ways that people eat that are gross. Are gross. Right.

And that even if they're not gross, like put people off for whatever reason is their own. But as she said, she's seen him eat before and it's not gross. And I'm sure she said that in the conversation. She didn't leave that out. You sure it's okay for you? Yeah. All right. he puts it in his asshole

you remember honey remember remember remember at maria's kitchen remember at bucuba de beppo we almost got kicked out because I was shoving spaghetti in my asshole before you ate some of it

with your mouth and then I put most of it in my butt hole anyway press press play you sure you don't want something here try this Anyway, no, he's wrong. You're right.

So, sorry, guy. Yeah. Sorry, little kids. I'm gonna kill a clown today. Oh, fuck. Did you just do? I'm from Brooklyn, but it's all right. Are you Australian?

The guy is. Oh, really? Yeah. But why did you just say I'm from Brooklyn? Oh, I don't know. You don't know? That's what he said. Chris is quoting something.

Which is what? I want to know what the. Australian freestyle rap. Oh, okay. And it's tremendously horrible. It took me way too long to get an answer. It is the biggest disaster on a freestyle I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.

For sure. So I'm a little kids. I'm a killer clown today. I could say bullets are going to spray, but I'm from Brooklyn, so that's all right. But, but. Bro, you're telling me. I don't know. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Fair. I just, I'm. I could say bullets going to spray. Is it Mark Wahlberg? No. No, but he wishes.

Yeah. But what I guess what I'm I mean I know there's probably no way for you to answer this but like Well maybe there is Why does everybody know about this? Because it was like a fucking thing that Daniel Tosh would definitely make fun of if his show was still

Right but did it go viral or I mean kind of it wasn't like Turned it down It was very viral Oh it was Oh I remember thinking it wasn't that viral And was it because it was like Holy shit this is so bad

Oh yeah okay So no one was like yeah bro get it. No. Okay. Well, to be fair, nobody in the world would ever think that it was good at all. Okay. But as soon as it started, right before the guy rapped, literally a guy goes, get it. So that's so weird because you did that, get it. Oh, right. Right. Right. Yeah. He goes, get it. Yeah. Sorry, little kid, but I'm a kill a clown today. I could say, bullets can to spray from Brooklyn, but that's all right. I think this, it's what comes up if you searched worst freestyle ever. Try it. On YouTube.

Just try it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it might be. Yeah. I mean, it is the worst freestyle I've ever heard in my life. And it is freestyle? Like, there's no way, like...

He wrote it? Oh, God, no. No. Doesn't it come off right away? Guess not. Is it not old enough, maybe? No, it's old. It's for sure old enough.

Oh. It's not fair to put these up here. Yeah. We don't want to fuck with it. Yeah. No, I mean, if it's bad, it's bad. bad, but the fucking Jesus. Snipes is his name. But anyway,

she looks less like Jacob Allorty, but she really looks like Jacob of Laudy. She looked a little sick. She had a little red nose like Rudolph. Yeah. I think that might have been a filter, though. No, I think she had a cold. She has a cold and she gets a nose red like that? That happens to... I know, but that was a pronounced red nose. But what do you think she put a filter on to look like a Rudolph? No, maybe it's supposed to be like a cute mouse filter or something.

That's not... But there was nothing. else about the... Maybe the glasses aren't even real. I don't know anymore nowadays, you know? All right, man. You know? Conspiracy thirst. I just think she had a fucking red nose, man.

It happens. She got fair skin. She got sensitive skin. Maybe tissue, tissue, tissue, tissue, red. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Jacob, Lordy, the red nose reindeer. Sister, a lordy, the red nose reindeer.

Jen Lordy, the red nose reindeer. Yeah, had a very shiny nose. Her boyfriend wouldn't want her to watch him eat. So they called on Lifeline. I love TV screens. We're going splash back. Losing it.

Robb Williams. I'm huddle. Fucking losing it. All right. We got one more or what? Oh, so close. How do you deal with conflict? Someone trying to test your manhood.

I grew up bullied a lot, but thankfully I know back against the wall, adrenaline pumping, I can fight. It's to this day, though, the buildup that gets me. I can get, like, caught up in the moment where the confrontation has me frozen in the moment. Or I'm like, this person's trying to dominate me again. So deeper. Yeah. Why is everybody so close? I mean, they love it.

It's a selfie. Sub left line. Yeah. I mean, that's what you're described is partly, I'm not a psychoanalyst, but that's partly PTSD. If you're bullied, like, it's just, you get frozen in the moment. That's the definition of PTSD. How do I deal with conflict?

Badly. Because, but different badly than most people, I think. I don't like, I'm not like, oh, you're trying to start shit, let's go and throw down. Yeah, you don't do that ever. In fact, that is literally the opposite of what I'm trying to do. But when conflict arises, I have a weird temperamental thing about me, I guess, personality trait that is like, I'm going, I am going to diffuse this. This is going to end in nonviolence.

And sometimes that means really, really extremely crazy and weird shit. But sometimes people are really, really, really weird and crazy. And the only way to diffuse them is to out, out crazy then. Ding dong dang ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding like this. No joke. If you did that before fight, no one would fight you. I don't know. I might just fucking knock you out, dude.

No, we wouldn't. ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding to your car ding ding ding ding ding ding ding oh fuck i let him go because the tetras song i'm just telling you i that's this is how i feel i just think that there's always a for me in my mind i'm always like how could this end up in violence like what what I didn't I didn't run over your family like all I did was bump into you at 7-11 we're gonna be good so like wanna go oh what's up dude oh okay ding-n-n-n-n-ning-n-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-wing-wing-wing-wing-wing-wing-wing

where you going ding-nig-nig-dug-dug-dug-dug-t do-go do-tug-t take us a long take us a long to come I jerked-tall for earlier sorry in the carton. In the carton. Do get it. Do go do good. Oh, fuck, I should hit him. I just don't ever want to be in a fight.

It's dumb. It's so stupid to fight as an adult over always, basically, it's 99% of the time, a non-thing. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You're an adult. You're not for. Anyway, go ahead. No, no.

I, I, I, yeah. What was he even asking, though? I mean, I know what he said, but how do you do it conf- diffused? No, no, not necessarily how do you diffuse, but how do you resolve conflict? Yeah, yeah. And I think he did mean physical because he went on to talk about being bullies. and all that.

Getting in fights. I guess memorize a bunch of different video games. Oh, I don't know if that'll work. And sound, the music and then... Oh, Oh,

yeah, yeah. And just so you know, you know, like, okay, well, this guy's gonna fuck around. I already did Mario.

I guess I'll do Gallagher. Mara didn't work. He's still trying to kick my fucking ass. What's the Zelda one again? What's the Zelda one again? What's the Zelda one again? Diggit, dig it, digger. Fuck here we go.

Yeah, I don't know. Do you have any real advice? Or just that? I mean, fights most, I would say 99% of fights happen if both people want to fight. If one of them doesn't,

it won't happen, you know? And let's face it, in general, both just don't. I don't know if I agree with that You really I mean how many times Answer this for real How many times has a super agro

Motherfucker come up to you And you've been like Oh shit It's gonna go down It's a gotta go down So Italian Whether you have to stop making pizza And then you have to fight them

Whether I like it or not Right So like you gotta get on your heels You gotta get in the stance You gotta do all this you gotta do Right But then nothing happens because

Yeah, but that's But he wanted to But did he? Because if he did Then he would have I see what you're saying Yeah, I guess Sure

I guess I guess I see what you're saying Like did he Did he want to Have it diffused Was that his goal? No Right His goal may have been

To Prompt you To instigate Sure But even that Isn't wanting to fight Yeah That's like

Wanting to be A fucking piece of shit on earth. I mean, I know there's a slim line between those two, but like, I feel like most people, even when they're like, you want to go, motherfucker? Like, I believe

that they do not want to go. I really do believe that. Now, are there people in the world that do you want to fight? Obviously. And they go to jail. Or they get sued. Or they're in the UFC. Or they're in the UFC. And, you know, there's a place for that. Or they're a tie.

but I just don't I just don't think people want to fight Why would you want to fight? Well my whole thing is even if you win You still get fucking hurt And it sucks And then if you win You're gonna get the shit suit out of you

Unless you're defending yourself yeah What do you mean? What worked out for Ted Bundy? What do you mean defending yourself in the moment? Yeah I thought you meant in court You don't have some more I said get arrested

Getting to go to you know what I'm saying but yeah I just it's just such a bad dumb idea you could kill someone you could get the shit kicked out of you who wins

who benefits you go home say you kick this shit out of somebody right Satan wins say you beat the living motherfucker out of somebody you go home you won

you feel good No, Babadook's just loving it Is it only Bobby Duke or Beelzebub Yeah You don't say you're not like yeah Fuck the motherfrey And if you are You got bigger problems than almost anyone on earth

Like I just This is what I truly believe Like if you enjoy Beating the shit out of strangers Or whoever whatever For whatever It's like you are just You are a fucked up person

And you need help Simple as that Yeah. Anyway. Now that was a good time to do that. And it was a good day that I did what I did afterwards. Okay. Well, I meant about you too.

But it added to it immensely. Cool. So ending on a high note, I wonder what it was percentage-wise who was the good part of that. You know what's interesting? I just looked over at the monitor. This is the first time I looked at the monitor. time I looked at myself all day. Oh.

Isn't that word? I did not look at the mirror before I left of the house. Didn't catch a reflection in the car window. Nothing. Wow. So hopefully I don't look super ugly. No, you look good, but what, yeah. Did you take a shower?

I did. Foggy window or foggy glass. No, I understand, but then and then you just didn't, and you brush your teeth, you don't look at the mirror at all. I mean, you're right there. Yeah. No. Okay.

Okay. I don't know what to say. Hey. I don't care. I don't care either way, but it is interesting, but I don't care. Yeah. All right, cool. All right, guys, thanks very much.

I'm going to be in Atlanta and Birmingham and Buffalo and Europe. So come out to see me, Chrissy.com. I got to be so bad. Bye. Bye.