Lifeline - 24. Body Code

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. recording all around recording all around that's a dildo i'm recording all around with my dildo. Already crass. One second in. I did it though. Sorry. Oh, no. That was me.

Well, I said the dildo thing first. Yeah, but you set me up and I knocked it on down. Knocked it on down, you know? It's like the Home Run Derby. You soft-talked me and I... So Russian. So Russian. He's like Home Run Derby.

What's up with the orange shirt? I like it. What's up with it? Is it new or old? It's old, but... It's old, but it's new to me uh got it pretty good in montreal oh really yeah that's a very french thing to buy actually yeah uh this amazing store i wish i remember the name it's vintage but they had a bunch of old wrangler shirts and i love the wrangler is that a wrangler shirt this is a wrangler shirt? This is a Wrangler shirt. Oh, cool.

I got a red Wrangler shirt. I got a blue Wrangler shirt. I got a purple Wrangler shirt. And I got a magenta Wrangler shirt. The worst story I've ever heard in my life. The way you told it to a children's fucking YouTube show. A children's book. I'm going to take my Pure Spectrum gummies right here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. My son just fell in the background. He just goes, bonk, ow. So I'm going to take a Pure Spectrum gummy. And you can go to the show notes down there if you're a guy who enjoys CBD. All biz, huh? And if it helps.

Just all biz today? Just go to it. I talked about your shirt. Just go down to the show notes and you can click on it and then type in Lifeline and get the 10% off. Get the 10% off. Get the 10% off. No, but your tone was really...

Oh. Well, I was letting... All biz. Let's see what's up, dude. Well, you know what's up? I had my first full day of advice sessions yesterday. Yeah. And I was cooking with gas.

It was just boom, boom, boom, boom. One after another. I was in the zone. Okay. I was fucking killing it, dude. And everybody was cool. Some serious stuff, some less serious stuff. But you know what?

I love everybody who did it. They come to me with some seriously secret stuff close to their heart. You know what i mean that they don't tell anybody else matalia.com get your appointment do it up do you like do you love everyone so far no no i mean in general no no you're not one of those guys that like i'm one of those people that hates everybody until i meet them and then i'm like oh i like that person interesting but that's like kind of just true in general like you get two sides of people on two into like a war and they hate each other but then they meet face to face and then they

like actually we're actually people yeah exactly yeah that's you yeah whenever you're like somewhere yeah i'm like oh wow this guy's actually a person like a guy who's like in front of me in line who i'm like i'm like looking at the back of his ears and i'm like i hate his fucking ears oh something like that you know yeah and then like i meet the guy and it's like your I hate his fucking ears. Oh, wow. Something like that, you know? Yeah. And then I meet the guy and it's like, I don't even think about his ears. I've had things where I don't like somebody and I know them and then I don't like them

and we don't talk for years and then we have a conversation and I'm like, oh yeah, they're just a person. Yeah. But why do you not like them in the first place? You just don't like them. Well, if we have a thing.

If we have a falling out or something, yeah. You got beef? I have had beef. Now I have beef with Busy Bone. You know that. Do you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, beef? I have had beef. Now I have beef with Busy Bone. You know that. Do you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Busy Bone.

He clapped at me. And I would say clap back, but I did not clap at him at first. We, I actually was a witness. Yeah, you were a witness of this. To this. He came to the comedy store. Yeah, I mean, I fully remember it because it was so wacky. Yeah, it was wacky.

I'll use the word wacky because it was just a wacky thing that he did it was wacky and he and he came up and he was just like pardon my motherfucking interruption and he kept saying over and over again and over and over and over it was crazy he he was interrupting himself to say pardon the motherfucking yes he was and i know at least 15 times i know it was so crazy and i know he's busy bone but in that situation he was crazy bone and it was so much and then he clapped at me on his... Why did he... What happened?

He was like... Back up. Like, what happened? I talk about this on my podcast. I break down the whole thing on congratulations. Subscribe, by the way, to Super Cult Studios. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We really appreciate it.

And hit that bell notification and all that shit. You know what I mean? Talking so fast, I'm cooking. And so he... Yeah, he came up and interrupted at the comedy store and then i talked about that on my podcast a long time ago by the way this also that was years it was a decade ago you might not you might not even have had your podcast yet in fact you probably didn't yeah i may not it was so long i don't know but and then so he did that thing that i talked about it on my podcast and

then i mean this was a while ago, right, bro? And then he just recently, I don't know if it's a podcast or what, but he's been like streaming on YouTube or he's just like, and he was like, so I'm going to talk to you about Chris the bitch. Yeah. I'm not going to say his name. And he talked shit about me. And he was like, you at my show, I'm in the zone.

I can't be giving you. And I'm like, this is not even the fucking story I told also it wasn't his show was your show that's what i'm saying you know why he came up in the first place no he came up to see faze on yeah yeah because he was a fan of faze on he's a fan of you were talking to faze on i know it's like a phase on love yeah he comes up and the reason he's saying pardon the motherfucking interruption is because he interrupted you and faze on yes i know that yeah mean, I didn't know if you knew that. No, I knew that. But I don't know why he thought that I was at his show

after hearing my story that legitimately says everything that happened. Oh, because he's crazy bone. He's crazy bone part two. He's busy being crazy. Busy being crazy bone. Yeah. I mean, that was – I didn't even understand.

One of you sent me the link. Yeah. And I was like, what? Did something else happen? No. Because it was so obviously. But I don't even want to clap back, and I'm not clapping back. I'm just like, dude, you just have it wrong, and it's fine.

And I know that he's like, he's going to clap back again, dude. And I'm not even clapping. He's clapping. I'm not even clapping. He's tremendously wrong. Whatever. That's not even close to right. It wasn't his show. No, I know. I hope his streams go well. He walked up wrong. Whatever. That's not even close to right. It's his shit. It wasn't his show.

No, I know. I hope his streams go well. He walked up off the street. He had a Walkman, a CD player, Walkman. In the 2000s. I remember that. You're right. I do remember that.

This was not 1989. Wow, because he was getting into bone thugs, dude. Maybe, yeah. But whatever it was, he had a portable CD player and headphones. Like, it was 1993. Mm-hmm. And he kept saying, pardon the motherfucking interruption. Right, I know.

So you guys know what happened and we could probably get Faison Love to back it up. He doesn't remember. He was high as shit, no doubt. But also, yeah. But whatever. It was only memorable to me because I was like, oh my god, I fucking love him. I know, me too, dude. Yeah, but me more. Yeah, for sure.

I'm not gonna miss everybody. Yeah, so anyway, giving a futchada for CCC Catscat. Yeah, for sure. I'm not going to miss everybody. You know the cats got it. You know the cats got it. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, dude, that's the whole beef thing. You can subscribe to this shit. You get more stories about Busy Bone and also plenty more.

But subscribe to Super Cult Studios. And that's it. And, you know, I don't know, but it's been so fucking hot in LA. And I'm happy that today is kind of like the most cool and ass day. It's a cool and ass day. It's the most cool and day. Yeah. For sure that's happened. So I'm happy about that is kind of like the most cool and ass day. It's a cool and ass day. It's the most cool and day for sure that's happened.

So I'm happy about that. It was bad. It was kind of bad when you walk outside and you're just like, your anger is just tipping. I mean, you're angry. It's at the tipping point. You're angry at some guy's ears. So yeah, you're definitely angry at them. The tipping point of anger.

Hello, I'm Matt. A Denzel Washington movie in 1999. It's just immediate. The tipping point of anger is where I'm at. A Gene Hackman movie. The tipping point of anger hello i'm matt a denzel washington movie in 1999 it's just immediate the tipping point of anger is where i'm at a gene hackman movie the tipping point of anger so so clunky and so long and he plays a fucking submarine general you know the typical explaining crimson tide yeah denzel washington and yeah there we go see he gets his jokes from somewhere babies all right dude well i'm gonna be in stockton and oakland california and hollywood california oxnard and all that shit go to chris leah.comcom for tickets. I'm going to be in Raleigh. I'm going to be in Boston, middle of a bunch of cords and he's kind of frozen

and he's gonna do something here we go okay it's all good what's up you guys big friend of the show nice i got a quick question for you um about a year ago i got into an argument with my girlfriend's best friend's husband okay and uh it was over the red hot chili peppers, and I made some comments about how I didn't like them, and he took really personal offense to it. Okay. I kind of spiraled out of control, and I was trying to make light of the situation.

But anyways, he got really offended, and I made some comments that ended up my girlfriend and I stormed out. Come on. Long story short, I haven't talked to him in about a year. Oh, because over the last two weeks. We've got a wedding coming up that we're going to see him at, and I'm not sure how to actually approach the situation or say hi or what I should do.

So if you've got some advice, let me know. I got it. I got it more. I got it 100%. I got it more. I got the number one thing that you can possibly do. But first, got some advice, let me know. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got the number one thing that I got it more, but first just real quick. Okay. Was that me? Because I would have reacted that way too. If he said, I don't like the red hot chili peppers, I would have eviscerated him as a person on earth. I would have torn to shreds his appearance. Wow.

I would have torn to shreds his past history. But go ahead. I have the answer. Go to the wedding. Look, you don't want to fucking live with this shit. It's so annoying. Also, who gives a fuck who likes the red hot chili peppers or not? If you don't like the red hot chili peppers, fine. He does, obviously, and he's very passionate about it. Now, that's so fucking dorky that he would be so angry that you said you didn't like the red hot chili peppers.

I don't know what your side of the street and all of this is but i will say this at the wedding you don't want to you don't want to fucking you don't want it to be weird you're gonna end up seeing him again so just squash the beef and this is how you squash it you have dinner all the shit you go up to the band or the dj or whatever and you say play under the bridge yeah okay this is what you were gonna say but? But I was going to say different. You do your version. I'll do mine. Play under the bridge.

And then when it happens, you guys will 100% make eye contact. And when you do, it will be one of the most beautiful things. You walk out to the middle of the dance floor and you go like this and you wait for him. And while he walks up to you, just, I don't ever want to feel like I did that day. It's very, very, very symbolic, right? Yeah. Take me to the place I love. Yeah.

That's good. I like mine. That's a great one. I like mine. Mine's great, though. Similar. Okay. You walk up to him right away, the first time you see him.

Yep. And you just start doing it. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a part eye contact yeah sometimes i feel like my only friend you're getting closer yeah is the guy in front of me you make up the lyrics right and then you're talking about him and then you're getting closer and you give him a hug yeah he will not ever it will all crumble his anger well so we have very similar so that's mine's just more personalized but mine is more is nice because like he set it up he says you know what dude i want the the fucking guy to put red hot chili peppers on the

shit or you can just go you know play the other one what i gotta gotta give up put it in yeah and then just have a fucking a badass time and look at the dude and start dancing and give it away like you know um but yeah you don't want to have that sex magic a sex magic i know two songs from them and it's the ones i sang oh um and so yeah i give it away that you were trying to do what i gotta gotta put it in you give it away give it away give it away now it was that and it was obvious because i did it good i couldn't tell because you didn't do it that good you couldn't tell because you don't know music but i do no i know if dude i'm about to rage on you like that's what he says yeah but you didn't have the right rhythm i did dude i thought you were mixing up two different songs no and so i mean so hard so easy to not mess that up dude

give it away give it away give away now what i gotta gotta get it put it in you you didn't say give it away you didn't say that because i I did the fucking nice, like, the part that, like, we, that, like, you'd know. Like, I didn't want to do the obvious one. If I just did give it away, give it away, give it away. Now, that's hacky shit. But I wouldn't have asked. Was that give it away? Because you did it bad.

Because you're not on the level. Give me the orange one. But what I'm saying, give it an orange one, give it an orange one, give it an orange one. So, yeah, dude, I'm'm telling you dude uh you don't want to do that squash the beef at least do it for your girl and your and her best friend so just fucking tell him to play under the bridge and you will make eye contact if you don't you walk up to him and you make eye contact with him and then you grab his hand you walk up to the dance floor and then you do a slow dance with him i mean you don't have to get too close right i mean yours is

more spectacle mine's more person to person so it's's up to you. If you're more of like, you like to make a show out of it, do what he said. If you're more like a one-on-one kind of guy, you do what I did. I think I appreciate the spectacle of it. But anyway. Yeah, maybe. Okay, cool. Next one. Hey, Matt.

Hey, Chris. I adore you guys to pieces. So my question is, my husband has an idea for a documentary. And I need to know if it's absolute trash or if you love the idea so essentially it's the rise and fall of brendan frazier oh the catalyst being his absurd clap at the golden globes i mean is that what should i tell him that he's an insane person or is this a low-key genius idea let me know no that well he's a crazy person for sure but uh if there's a documentary i would watch it's that one yeah but

you'd have to it can't be about the fucking no but you could center it around the it's when he goes like yeah yeah oh wow we both did at the same time you know the fucking uh yeah remember when it went to the the uh go ahead stefani song yeah that's what i was just gonna say you gotta find that girl i mean i love that i've watched that at least 50 times how about the standing ovation that he got for 15 minutes it's everyone loves that he's fat a fat guy now he's been fat for few years, but he keeps getting fatter and fatter. And every time he shows up, everyone's like, oh my God,

Brendan Fraser's so fat now. And of course, I mean, I wanted to do it, but Darren Aronofsky beat me to it because whatever, he's obviously a huge filmmaker. The resurgence of Brendan Fraser

as a fat man. He's in a movie called The Whale and he has a fat suit on. Look at this. Fat people are mad that they didn't aaron ossey didn't cast an actual 600 pound person but bernie fringer's fat as fuck i mean he's already fat what 600 pound actors are they don't exist yeah exactly which is why it's absurd can we get to the audition you find a 600 pound person you just put him through acting

school and shit then they fucking die in the middle of shooting. Yeah. I mean, it's just so unhealthy. You can't actually get someone who's 600 pounds to show up on set. Yeah. Well, of course they're mad,

dude. Yeah. But that's a loot. That is the most ludicrous version of it I've ever heard. Oh, really? I mean, there's so many crazy versions.

There is no one who is 600 pounds. Okay, fine. That can move. Okay. Yeah, true. Okay.

A 12 hour shooting day? Yeah. With like a tyrannical director like Darnofsky? They that day yeah that's what i'm saying and action he just goes the roast beef sandwich on the side of their face so dick all right so i think that uh don't do that documentary maybe i mean didn't he he he left hollywood because he got like assaulted or something i can't really remember that's not not why, but when Me Too happened, he came forward with a story of his own. He got like,

I think like disgustingly groped or something by some executive at some, I don't know. I actually don't know who it was. I don't think he even said, but he talked about like the trauma of it and how it like messed up his mind for a while. Oh, wow. So he stopped working

and now he got a 15 minute, dude, if I was- Well, I mean, he stopped working because he was in Monkeybone. Let's get that straight. He didn't stop working- Wow, I don't even know what, wow. So he stopped working and now he got a 15-minute... Dude, if I was... Well, I mean, he stopped working because he was in Monkeybone. Let's get that straight. He didn't stop working... Wow, I don't even know what that is. ...because he got groped.

He stopped working because he was in eight movies like Monkeybone. Yeah, okay, cool. Okay? And Georgia the Jungle and every other movie that he did. Did that fail?

Georgia the Jungle? Yeah. It wasn't the worst of them. Monkeybone was like... It made 28 bucks because just his mind... Well, I don't even know what the fuck Monkeybone is.

Just because Mrs. Fraser went to see it. I think you can't because mrs frazier went to see it you can't stop doing movies about animals you know he can't stop doing movies where there's like a little bit of it is also animation that's his thing you know but the whale dude i mean i legit love bernie frazier i'm so happy he's in a new movie especially an aronofsky movie i want to see it you're too late though he's already made his comeback i don't think it's i think i want to document through his comeback starting with the clap oh oh oh through his comeback so so like it was a fateful day and he just it was a fateful day fucking in gray and then yeah right yeah it was a fateful day yes she did she said this is about his fall right rise and fall. She said rise and fall. Oh, the rise to fall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. I think he has it all wrong. Oh, from the beginning to the clap.

That's even worse. That's not good. It needs to be, the clap needs to either be the turning point or the beginning. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then just fucking like this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. So bad. Yeah, dude. Your boyfriend is... Or your husband's bullshitting or he's crazy. He's crazy. And that's a terrible idea. Look, these two things can be true at the same time.

It's a terrible idea for a documentary, but I want to see it. Yeah, true. Okay? Yeah, I mean, I've seen plenty of those documentaries. Don't make it. It'd be a waste of time. We'll lose a ton of money. We'll lose a ton of years of your life, but I will to see it. Yeah, true. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I've seen plenty of those documentaries. Don't make it. Be a waste of time. We'll lose a ton of money.

Lose a ton of years of your life but I will watch it. I'll be first in line to watch it. All right, cool. Yeah, Tell Him He's Crazy. Next one. Hey.

What's up, Matt and Chris? What's up, Shane? Yeah. Lifeline. First of all, submission videos are weird. I'm suddenly doing hand gestures and saying things and doing things with my body that I've never done in my whole life.

So it brings out a whole new side of me. Um, I wrote in a couple months ago, Norma June from Southern Oregon was asking about a breakup and you guys gave great advice. I am feeling a lot better and for real, for real, that advice, my life is now pimping pimping

for real for real i have another question i post things on my instagram like a normal person like in my story and i find it so incredibly strange when someone brings up things that i post on instagram in real life i'm like what are you doing why are you doing this to me why the fuck would you bring up what i posted on my Instagram story? That's weird as shit. Good, good, good. Is that just me? No.

Is there like a, is there a rule? Yeah. I think there should be a rule. There is. Advice. Dude, that is so something that is, for me, it happens every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

Hey, how's the thing that you did with the thing on Instagram? For some reason, it's uncomfortable. Do you even remember? My thing is if people do that to me, I don't even remember. Oh, well, often. Because a story is like I forget about it five seconds after I posted it. Yeah. If you bring that up the next day, I'm like, what are you talking about?

If you say that to me, hey, I go like this. Keep it on the internet, dude. right just that is weird for some reason and people i think actually people feel that more people feel what you're saying i think more people feel what you're saying than what then you know but i think that when they see you that's what they bring up and they don't even realize that they're doing it that's what i think that's complicated you do i think people are just have no sense of what's good to bring up and what's not good to bring that's kind of yeah they're just bringing it up because it's on their mind it's like you have red shoes and they're like nice shoes yeah they're like they're just red bro yeah yeah yeah it is like that yeah yeah yeah um yeah so that is i i don't like that either dude and i think about it sometimes and i don't know why I don't like it.

Because it's like, in a way, it's like you're sitting and you're doing your personal shit, you're at home. And in a way, you're giving people a glimpse into your life, but it's a bit of a voyeuristic thing. So when you get confronted with it, like, oh, you're on the couch washing fucking reruns of, you know what I mean? Family matters, and you're like, oh, yeah, well, you do too, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I want to get defensive about it it's also like i mean it's not similar to this but it's along the lines of like if you were in uh a movie yeah and someone's like oh what about that role you played in that movie it's like uh-huh it's over and it's out there like now what do you want

me to say about it what do you i don't understand what you're saying though. Why is that like that? Because if someone comes up to you and it's like, what about that thing you were in? It's also annoying. Like it's just, people don't do that

because they know that that's fucking annoying. So then, well, so then what's the thing that people should be saying to you when they see you? Nothing about that

and what should they be saying? Like how are you? How have you been? Anything? It's more about what she should be saying and what she should be saying is, I don't want to talk about that and what should they be saying like how are you how have you been but it's more about what she should be saying and what she should be saying is i don't want to talk about that yeah let me let me stop you right there i don't want to talk about that but that's so people think that's rude i mean yeah you got to just be you i guess or just act like they didn't say it sometimes i do that sometimes i do that and like it sounds rude, but if it seems like you didn't even hear them,

you can play it like it never happened. And then the person will realize, oh, he's doing me a favor that wasn't going to be good for him to talk about.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, sure. It's like people pick up on that stuff. Wow. And then if they do it again, then they're out of your life for good.

Never see them. You're a cutthroat, dude. Never see them again. If they do it again. You're just straight up. Yeah. Yeah. About social situations, I'll cut do it again, about social situations, I'll cut that. Paul Pott of social situations.

I'll cut that. Speaking of Paul Pott, just kidding. Here we go. Hey, man. Chris. Greetings from Buxton, Maine. Huge fan of Lifeline. You guys are the best. The advice is too funny.

It's too perfect. Keep it coming. My question is a little bit crazy it's about my dad who is also crazy and he is super into this holistic healing oh it's called body code please don't endorse it or ever fucking tell anybody to look into it because it's the dumbest thing i've ever seen code and what basically he thinks that he is some sort of superpower healer and can magically heal any whether it be a tummy ache or you're fucking blind and all he does is he closes his eyes he mutters this incantation and he has to be standing up and then he like waves his hand over his head three times like that and poof like you're supposed to be healed

and i fucking like just don't buy it at all i like no shit like i make fun of him i call him dumbledore oh good and tell him that he forgot his fucking wand and i like i my sister thinks he kind of got a little butthurt because i was like mean to him or whatever but i'm blunt and i like to say what i think and you know if i think that you're full of shit and that you're not helping anyone, I'm going to fucking tell you. So I don't know. Should I like back off and stop making fun of him? Should I like pretend like maybe there's a chance he is actually helping people? Oh, my God.

The worst idea. Should I fucking spin move and tell him you're not fucking Dumbledore? Yeah. Get real. Like this shit isn't fucking real life. I don't know. Any advice helps. Let meore. Yeah. Get real. This shit isn't fucking real life. I don't know. Any advice helps. Let me know.

Thanks. Remember you said the thing about Beetlejuice? Yeah. Maybe the incantation was Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice and his head shrank. Maybe he did a body code on you.

Yeah. I mean, the whole thing is a fucking Eric Roberts movie, dude. It's body code. It's called body code. He thinks he can heal people. Right, right, right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. body code i do love eric roberts i would that's another movie i would watch oh i would if body code was a movie i would have already watched right yeah yeah yeah fucking fuck yeah dude uh but look your dad you know is crazy yeah that's uh yeah he's got i mean i hate to say it and i'm no doctor but you know that's kind of a meant those are mental that's uh yeah he's got i mean i hate to say it and i'm no doctor but you know that's kind of a meant those are mental that's mental problems your dad is there's a out of his mind the body code unlocking your body's ability to heal itself oh my god written by fucking eric roberts in 1998 if that was adapted into a movie if it was that easy everyone would do it yeah this would think about shit like that oh you can cure stomach aches just by going like this.

One dollar, one dollar, one dollar. Yeah, dude. One dollar. And then whatever the fuck. Dude. And then I'm like, oh shit, my fucking stomach doesn't hurt anymore. Everyone would do that. Ask him what his response is.

Why has this not caught on like wildfire? Or why doesn't that work on the stomach ache I have that you just tried it out on me for? I would like to know the answer, yeah. Have him do it to you and they'd be like okay i still have the thing now what what's your explanation for that you probably say well you don't believe then okay well find someone who believes yeah and then do it to them i want to watch they might think it works you know you know i think my stomach actually does feel a little bit you ever do that like you think you have like you right you want it to be better so yeah of course i think i mean well that's like all of a lot of religion anyway you have like, you want it to be better. Yeah, of course. I mean, how long? Well, that's like all of religion anyway, you know?

Oh, yeah. Like speaking in tongues and shit like that, you know? Of all the things to call it to, body code is absolutely fucking terrible. It's wild. Body code is so, it doesn't sound like that's what it is at all. No, no.

But I think that you should, honestly, I think you should sit him down and be like, all right, dad, I know I made fun of you and maybe it was over the line, but I want you to explain to me why you think this works. Give him a shot to hear him out.

You're going to end up where you are anyway, but he'll at least feel heard. Right. It means your dad. You don't want to like mess up the whole relationship. Yeah. Also. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I, I, dude, I can't even, well, you know... See, this is the thing about the internet. You don't even know these people are out there doing this shit, and now we do, and it makes me actually sad, dude. Oh, it doesn't make me sad. I love it. It doesn't make you sad. No, I like it. If somebody believes in body code,

then they're obviously not mentally healthy. Well, I agree. Obviously, I agree. And they're in some kind of turmoil. But most people are. I know, I know. It's just true. Most people are on the brink of some kind of

madness dude people don't think about this people think everybody's out there being normal everyone's like why can't i just live a normal life nobody does yeah i know everyone is either fucked in their life or fucked in the head or both i know it's very very rare that someone's like actually got their shit together is completely sane has no like deep trauma from their past yeah everybody's fucked up yeah but like that's why it doesn't make me sad this guy being fucked up in this way at least brings me entertainment well here's the thing if he realized that he was in uh trauma and deep turmoil and mentally unstable then he could do body coat on himself and get better.

But he can't, and he doesn't even realize it. So this guy's so deep. He's deep in some sort of mental unevenness and then also can't even realize it and then also can't use the thing he's made up and body coat himself out of that. And if he did, he'd realize that it wasn't even a real thing to begin with. It's like Inception.

Wow. Do you know what I'm saying? though that's a movie and that's a movie with jake gyllenhaal that's a better movie in a simpler way uh he is fucked up he has some kind of sanity issue or like his life is fucked up didn't go the way he wants his mind has been bent and tested throughout his whole life therefore he believes in a thing like body code right that's how that goes yeah uh because you gotta because it's easier to dive into that than actually face the fact this is why i say that on my podcast recently i was like i wish i was religious so i had something to fucking believe in and know that everything was going to be okay but in actuality what i have to deal with is my shit i have to fucking let these

walls down and deal with my shit and there's no hiding from it you know unless you are trying to not be a real person if you could figure out a way to but then all of a sudden you're a body code motherfucker people always say things like you know uh society communities fall apart when there is no more religion when god is dead but it's it's like, you can't put the, it's Pandora's box. This shit's out in the open. We all understand that there is no God. Like, we can't just pretend now, even if there's truth to that. Society falls apart when no one believes in God anymore.

Well, we got to figure that shit out then, because nobody can pretend. Oh, well, now, I mean, I know that there's no God, but oh, okay, okay. Let me just figure out a way to believe in this book that talks about God. Is body code the answer? Miracles and shit. Maybe body code is the answer. Society will fall apart if there is no God, but there is no God. So we have resulted in using body code.

Yeah. Society will fall apart if we don't use body code. Body code. $1, $1, $1, $1, $1, $1, $1, $1. And then you're rich. $1, $1, $1. $1, $1, $1, you're rich. You do $1, $1, $1. And then you're rich. $1, $1, $1, $1. $1, $1, $1, $1. You're rich. You do it enough.

No, but seriously though, body code is the answer. There was religion before. Now there's body code. Great. Great. That's the sequel. Your dad is the new Jesus. Okay, cool.

Frank Christ. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. Hey. It's Kay here. So my question is, how do I go about negotiating for a higher salary When I'm receiving job offers I have the skill set, I have the background

I have the education and I have the work ethic To back up being paid more I just don't know how to ask without asking plainly Can I have more money please So anyhow, we'll be greatly appreciated Thanks, bye Honestly, the way she just said that was literally perfect Can I have more money, please? So anyhow, we'll be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Bye. Honestly, the way she just said that was literally perfect. Yeah.

She's so like her manner is so pleasant. Chill. All she needs to do is literally form it. Show her that. Yeah, exactly. Show her how to look at my design. If you can say it exactly like that to an employer, that's how you do it. That was good. And I understand it's hard when you're actually in the room across from an employer. It is. I know. But that's how you do it that that was good and i understand it's hard

when you're actually in the room across from an employer it is i know but that's the thing that's it what you just said to deal with that that's one of your uh what do you call it paths you got to deal with that because it's uncomfortable and you're not going to be somebody out there using body code on yourself to try and get through it you got to deal with these emotions this is something that you need how about that you need to ask for that and i fucking by the way love it can i have more money please she said that's but that's hilarious can i have more money great so this is my salary can i have more money please that would be a fucking if i was your boss dude yeah you gotta get it you gotta raise yeah um no but for real though what you just said the way you

talked about yourself it's all it's all wrapped into that right there. That's all you got to do. Figure out how to say that to an employer. Maybe don't show them that video because it said deez nuts on the back wall. Yeah, maybe deez nuts might be distracting, but you know what I'm saying. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a great one.

She's going to get the raise. She's going to get it. It's about, like you were saying, you just got to push through the fear of asking. You deserve it. You know you deserve it. You're qualified. You know you're qualified. You have the experience.

You know you have the experience. All you got to do is say what you just said to us, to the employer, get through that initial fear. And once you're saying it, once you've opened your mouth and begun saying it, it's easy from there. It's just about starting opening like the the seal you don't want to be somebody who doesn't speak up and shit go so there we go all right next hey chris hey matt ali here from north carolina so i have more of like a question or a request um me and my sister are really close. My oldest sister, so I'm the youngest. So obviously I've never had an original thought in my life, but I have her to thank for my humor,

my music tastes, all of that. She really just molded me into the woman I am today. And I was thinking about her Christmas gift and she loves Chris and Matt. She loves Chris's stand up. I wanted to get her the oops button and you don't sell it anymore. She loves Chris's stand-up. I wanted to get her the oops button and you don't sell it anymore or either it's not on your site anymore. I don't know. Are you going to sell those again? If you are, will you let me know?

Yeah, we are. Anyways, guys, live for rips. Thank you so much. Just let me know. Bye. We are selling them again. We ran out and then we're restocking. But her voice is the most amazing voice I've ever heard on anyone.

Can she sing? She could sing. I have actually advice. Also, on top of the oops one, get maybe a high-res picture of me and blow it up like a poster for her room. I think she would like that. And the oops? Yeah, and then when she gives it to her, you fucking press the oops button because that's a fucking horrible mistake. No, no, no, no, no, no, no no just do both oops in her accent that voice was amazing

if she can't sing what a waste it's just a north carolina accent what's it wasn't it was very sultry she was just whispering she had a lower tone lower lower volume he doesn't get it i get it she did have a nice voice but you're acting like it's like no but fucking it was a beautiful thing in the world. I tell you, if she can't sing, she should, it's too late now. She's, you know what I mean? What does that have to do with singing?

If she was nine and worked on it, dude, she would be fucking absolutely, she wouldn't be doing. Having a speaking voice doesn't mean you have a great singing voice. That's not how that works. But that kind of speaking voice, dude, if she just sang a little bit of

Happy Birthday, Mr. President or something like that. Oh, like a sexy thing? A very sultry, doesn't have to be, dude. Well, that was. Oh, dude, if she just sang a little bit of Happy Birthday, Mr. President or something like that. Oh, like a sexy thing? A very sultry, it doesn't have to be, dude. Well, that was. Oh, yeah, that was. But like, okay,

she could also be like, I don't ever want to be like I did that day. I don't ever want to feel. Whatever it is, you know. I'm sure she likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but that was amazing, dude.

Also, I'll be in North Carolina, North Kakalaki, Raleigh, if you want to come out and see me, get tickets at chrisalia.com, Raleigh, if you want to come out and see me. Get tickets at chrisalia.com, Raleigh, North Carolina. All right, let's do it. Get her that for Christmas. Her birthday.

Oh, I thought it was Christmas. Hey, Chris and Matt. My name's Audrey. Hi, Audrey. I live in Clarksville, Tennessee. I moved here three months ago from Nashville, Tennessee. I like it here because everybody seems to be a little bit more like on the moderate path of thinking which is just more my brand um i'm a barber and kind of my gimmick i mean yeah i deliver a great haircut but also part of my gimmick is that

like i'm a comedian people laugh oh i've had some co- one coworker, complain that I guess some of my jokes made some clients uncomfortable. How do you strike a balance between making an abrasive joke but also not taking away inherently the liberation I feel like that comes along with being able to be a comedian? I don't want to dumb down my comedy just because like people are offended i mean anyways okay you are a barber not a comedian yeah well that this is right there this is why i wouldn't do anything but be a comedian because i couldn't like if you put me in a regular job i'm getting fired immediately because i made an off-color joke right so but she said abrasive i mean how abrasive are we talking about like she's calling people fat she's like this oh your hair fucking blacks like what how how like just like my son's here actually how abrasive are you being you know asians can't drive right

just yeah you know what i mean how bad are we talking just in asian okay but i think the way i the way to think of it is that you are actually a barber not a comedian i don't want to dumb down my comedy you know lead you have to lead with being a barber if people in this shop are getting uncomfortable because your jokes are over some line that people are making people uncomfortable you don't you shouldn't think of it like oh i don't sacrifice my comedy you have to think of it like, oh, I don't sacrifice my comedy. You have to think of it like, oh, I'm a barber. I got to scale it back a little bit. I got fired from being a barber.

Why? Because they wanted me to sacrifice my comedy. Yeah, it just doesn't like, you know what we're saying. It doesn't line up. It's just the unfortunate fucking thing here that you got to deal with. You could get fired.

Yeah. I mean, you're going to get fired. There's HR. Yeah, you're going to get fired. You're going to get fired if you keep doing it. You got to clean with, you could get fired. Yeah. I mean, you're going to get fired. There's HR. Yeah, you're going to get fired. You're going to get fired if you keep doing it. You got to clean it up, dude. Yeah, you got to clean it up. Like the floor at the end of the haircut, you got to clean it up, dude.

Yeah, same idea, yeah. You know? You got to clean it up because if you don't clean it up, you're going to get fired. You don't clean up the hair, you're going to get fired. You don't clean up your potty talk, you're going to get fired. Yeah. Although we are dealing with somebody in Clarksville. Take the last train to Clarksville. I'm not believing last train to clarksville i don't know you know that you know that's the monkeys right the monkeys

yeah dude come on man it's actually i think they're doing a cover of it but yeah okay it's here we come walking down the street never day alone done time when we meet get the funniest looks from oh okay well so she is um gonna have to sacrifice some of her comedy to be a better barber. I'm sorry, but that's what it's going to be. And do all your... You know what? How about this, dude? How about this?

Do open mics. Go and perform. Do actual comedy. Use that as your outlet for your comedy. Because once I started doing that, I'll tell you what, in my real life, I got way less annoying to people. Because I had an outlet to do my comedy, right? And I'm still very annoying.

I'm not going to vouch for this. But I used to be more annoying. I used to be doing bits and shit. Now I don't. I do the bits for the stage, and I'm more of a person in real life. Because you don't want to hide behind your comedy. I did that for a long time, and it really fucked me up. Yeah.

Anyway. Yeah. I mean, you could like, the funny barber, but don't make jokes that could be offensive. Just, like, not a good idea for a barber, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless you are already Vidal Sassoon, and you can say whatever you want.

Yes. Paul Mitchell, whatever. But, like, you're not. You're a barber, and you shouldn't be making jokes that are going to offend people. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Matt. Yeah. Matt and Chris, what's going on, guys? Huge fans of the show. I'm so glad that you guys got together to finally collaborate on something. Anyways, I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I don't think this is allowed. But I have any advices for you, Chris, really quickly. Matt might be doing you dirty a little bit. Every time you promo your hats, you're saying you're not a hat guy.

I used to have long hair myself. Tuck the hair behind the ears, bro. You're going to look killer. It's going to change your entire... Matt does it and he hasn't been telling you. He has not been helping you out. I'm telling you, bro. It's going to change the game. Hope it helps. Love you guys.

Gang, gang. I don't have a hat. Do I have a hat? I don't know. Do you have a hat? No gang i don't have a hat do i have a hat i don't know do you have a hat you know i'm not the hat keeper no hats i want to try it but i don't here's the thing and i i know this i i get it different he doesn't understand this guy doesn't understand okay well it's what you just some people don't look good in hats yeah that's me dude i know and you've said that on this podcast before no i've I've never said that. I'm saying it now. It's my coming out party. He brought it out of me, you know?

But no, that's not... This guy... You don't understand, dude. Oh, what? This guy doesn't understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. Oh! Nice throw.

Oh, okay. Well, you don't make that face. Don't make that face when you put it on hey am i not a hat guy you look like an undercover cop now you look like an undercover cop you know hi guys did you like to buy any drugs hello man i mean a robot yeah but i know what he's saying, but it still looks so bad. I look even worse. Loosen it, you know? Hey, sir. Hi, sir.

Any drugs going on in this area? I'd like some. Remember the Yamaka with a brim, the Wayans movie? No, what? You got a Yamaka with a brim. Oh, yeah. Why we laughed at that.

Hi, guys. Doing any shootings? Let's see. Look at me. No, it's bad. You're wrong. Hello, guys. Doing any shootings let's see look at me now it's bad you're wrong guys doing any shooting any planned shootings coming up guys gun falls out oh god yeah dude nice toss though yeah you guys both got golden arms that was good um all right uh yeah dude i just don't look good in a hat man i'm sorry i wish i did i look fine in a beanie but it's always too hot for a fucking yeah i can't wear that many bees in l.a yeah all right unless you're me hi boys

so i have an ex from several years ago that was recently murdered by his ex-girlfriend hold on stop me wait a minute her ex was murdered by his ex-girlfriend is that what she just said whoa dude why are you not reacting i am reacting that's how you react stillness that's good it's good for acting i'm like al pacino you're robert de niro right started over please that's she's. I'm like Al Pacino. You're Robert De Niro right now. Start it over, please. She's talking. I'm like, oh, wow. She murdered him. And you're like, I need to hear it again.

All right. Okay. And this is her. Hi, boys. So I have an ex from several years ago that was recently murdered by his ex-girlfriend. Not me. Another one. And honestly, it was probably deserved uh he

yeah um i was shocked obviously when i found out but not terribly sad i went to the funeral cried a little bit moved on with my life uh it was fine like i didn't really feel sadness i think that was normal because it was so long ago and it was like a short, passionate thing when I was young. But it's been a month and I have been having nightmares about him being murdered and other terrible things like that. And then the next day just is consumed by me thinking about that dream. And I cannot, I don't know what to do to make it stop because it keeps happening and it's a lot so if you could help me out with what I need to do in my head thanks I mean I think honestly I don't I'm not even qualified to give proper advice for something

like that I think what you're experiencing though is probably extremely common when something like this happens. I mean, maybe it's like you didn't really process it when it happened, when you heard about it through the funeral. Maybe you weren't crying because you were too much in shock. Yeah. And now it's like your brain is sort of working its way through it. You didn't deal with it. In your subconscious, whatever you want to – whatever you believe about dreams, it could be just your jumble of thoughts bouncing off of each other when you go to sleep and your brain runs wild.

What I would say is, I think there's, like, I don't know the names of them. There's like groups for people who get together about loved ones who have, or former loved ones who have died or been killed

or in some horrible circumstance. I would recommend looking into that because they're going to have way better advice than either one of us could possibly do it i just think that you're not dealing with this shit and that's why you weren't sad in the funeral and then now that's why you're having dreams because it's going to come out either way through your eyes or through your fucking sleep you know your mind and during sleep and you got to deal with this shit because i can tell already by the way she's talking about it and like you said you're not qualified to talk about it but i am because i'm a comedian and like i see her face talking about it and like dude this is a painful fucking thing man it was very loaded when

she said yeah yeah he deserved it yeah i mean there's so much to unpack here dude there was a pause and she almost got into it yep and she didn't look into that maybe a little bit but you got to see a therapist i think something betterhelp.com dude something uh or matalia.com frankly just kidding well uh that's not really the ideal one for me uh yeah wow wow though that's fucking heavy i don't know if we ever had one like that absolutely wow uh so far and but yeah that's crazy uh go see a 100% go see a therapist go to better help yeah and absolutely wow better help slash better help.com slash lifeline go there yeah that is absolutely wow i mean you know just having a stroke oh yeah back to the shit show that is my life as you may recall i'm the guy whose girlfriend got her kids

taken away by her demon of a mother yep um unfortunately since all that went down we have since broken up okay now i could talk shit about how she slowly undermined my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where i don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore but instead i'll just say the breakup has gotten really messy and now it's at the point where i just want to get the fuck out of this shitty little midwest town and move on with my my life. My question for you is now one of her friends has recently reached out asking if I'm okay saying she's going through a breakup too. We're kind of in the same boat and we've been talking and I kind of think she wants me to take her to Bronx city. You know what I'm saying?

So should I do it? Do I just be a little shitty for once in my life? Take the rebound, fuck my ex's friend and skip town. What do you think, guys? Oh, Jesus. Well, he's laughing about it. We love you, dude. Yeah, we do. Good for you.

What a fucking crazy few months for this guy. I love how he always is doing the videos before he walks into work. And it's like, I don't remember him having that specific uniform on. Yeah, the quality in or whatever. Oh, really? The quality something. I think, first of all, amazing attitude for having gone through such a crazy roller coaster. So good for you in that sense.

But I think that if she, I mean, look, at the end of the day, your ex-girlfriend who you went through all this shit for and with is still the daughter of her mother. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. And they clearly got some issues that they haven't worked out. The daughter probably has some residual shit from growing up with a mom like that that she needs to work through on her own. It's not surprising that she was difficult to be with. It's not surprising that, as you say,

she undermined your confidence, made you into a shallow version that you were. I mean, we can blame people all we want. I'm sure it's true, though. Making them feel worse. But like... A piece of shit with a small dick all you do is eat fucking hummus sandwiches dude like i'm getting the point

which is you don't have to fucking feel bad at this point you've been through so much do a little something for yourself fuck the friend dude everyone in this situation is not thinking clearly because of the situation don't this is the mother of your kids don't no no they're not his kids remember they're not his kids he loved them and wanted to let be let in closer but the mother and and his girlfriend oh well then way different yeah way different okay okay okay yeah just basically um i still think it'll be, you're going to make it worse for yourself if you have sex with this woman.

Fuck her, dude, fuck her. He wants to move out of the city anyway. I, yeah. Doing karate. Doing karate. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. But I think, but yeah, but he's talking about, didn't he fucking say, take her with him? Or no, am I making that up? He's, at the end, but he's talking about, should I, didn't he fucking say, take her with him or no?

Am I making that up? He's, at the end, he made a joke about, should I just. That was a joke. Don't do that. Should I be a little shitty? Yeah. And fuck her friend and skip town with her?

Yeah, just. If you like her enough, sure. I don't know, man. It's, you know, it's a little different sometimes. Like I obviously, different guys have different options and maybe if shit's a little dry out there, obviously different guys have different options and maybe it's if shit's a little dry out there i don't know what kind of town you're in and what job you have and that's important to women and like what what you uh what what you bring to the table shall we

say and if you're somebody that is like oh you know hasn't had that many partners and wants to sow some oats and you gave it a good fucking try here with this woman then maybe maybe it is the answer to to to kind of see what's up and take her to runk city but also you're gonna make shit worse for you definitely it's gonna make things worse for you you're gonna bust that nut off but definitely gonna make things worse for you it sounds like it might make it a little bit better you might feel like some kind of release about like oh i mean dude when you talk about as a release it's hilarious it is a release dude he's been under stress He tried to make it work with this person who made him feel terrible about himself. Like it's a valve.

He finally got out of it, and it's like a cherry on top of the exit. This is the spin move. Fucking a friend is the spin move. God, right when he busts, just. So dumb. And then turns around. So dick. Yeah.

Turns around. And then looks like this. All naked. Yeah. Fucking Runk City. around so dick yeah turns around and it looks like this all naked and shit yeah uh fucking runk city you're gonna become the mayor of runk city and have a whole fucking shitload of problems i'm telling you that much just just just if you uh here's the here's what i would say though don't have sex with her just because she's your friend exes yeah but you know he's not look at him bro no he's not i'm just saying just to clarify you know he's not. Look at him, bro. No, he's not. I'm just saying, just to clarify. I'm not saying do it for revenge. That's not at all what I'm saying.

That's a bad idea. Trying to get away. If it's coming at you and you're worried about being a terrible guy, you're not being a terrible guy. You're not. You gave it to fucking... I thought that those kids were yours. No. I remembered that they're not.

You didn't remember. I told you. I remembered after you told me. But, well... Yeah, that's remembering. Isn't it? Technically, but you wouldn't have i told you i remembered after you told me but well yeah that's remembering isn't it technically but i i you wouldn't have remembered without my aid okay so you say that and i go yeah i remember now i did it um so yeah dude i don't know man be careful if you're gonna do it do it but it's uh you gotta be do it and then move time it out right gotta go

And then move. Time it out right. Do it. Gotta go. Looking. What I want you got and it might be hard to handle. Looking at the planes in the new city and shit. Well, I think you should do it.

All right. Well, we disagree there. That's just me though. But okay. That's just me. All right. Do we have another one? Here we go. Daria. No. agree with me though but okay that's just me all right do we have another one here we go daria no hey dream team my name is emily um chris i've been in love with you for many years now

i recently realized that i am in love with you oh even better uh my question is about my two and a half year old and about kind of how we should monitor what she hears, what she's listening to, and what she's seeing. That's tough. My husband and I both like good things, like comedians like you that use foul language. Naughty, naughty boy. Movies and music that have bad words in them. movies and music that have bad words in them. And so the question is,

you know, how much do we monitor that stuff around her? Cause you know, you can only take blippy soundtracks for so long or like Cocoa Melon shit. I don't watch those. And also just any advice on terrible twos, wrangling of a, of a gremlin child. Like she'll bite me one minute and then the next minute

she's cuddling into my arm sounds like my puppy help uh i don't uh you know first of all let me just blippy and cocomelon don't i don't i can't have i feel like that's making calvin be an idiot every time you send me a video of calvin there's always some mega annoying thing playing in the background that is for him. Those are the good ones? Yeah, bro. When you go home, look at Blippi, dude. He goes, hi, guys.

I'm at an amusement park. Oh, my God. Oh, that sounds good. And it's some adult guy. That sounds good. Some adult guy with the worst outfit on. What's that guy's name? Blippi.

The man's name is Blippi? Yeah. Oh, never mind. Hey, guys. Look at that. Oh, my God. Look, a monkey. What? That's what he does. Calvin's just like, oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, never mind. Hey guys, look at this. Oh my God, look a monkey. What?

That's what he does. Calvin's just like, oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, because it's mesmerizing. And then Coco Melon is like the Black Hole Sun video, dude. Oh, cool. Everyone's just like, I like bread. I like bread.

And the fucking face is- Oh my God, Blippi is demented, dude. Blippi's scary. Yeah, look at that. And by the way, they got a new Blippi because the old Blippi is demented, dude. Blippi's scary. Yeah, look at that. By the way, they got a new Blippi because the old Blippi got caught in a video a long time ago scatting on someone.

And by that, I mean shitting on someone. What do you mean? Taking a dump? Yeah, on someone. Blippi? Yeah, like he's German. Of all people, Blippi did it? Blippenstein.

Poopy? That's Blippi. Wow. Or that's Russian, I guess. Look at Blippi, dude. The new one, of course, isn't white. I love it. That's Blippi. Wow. Or that's Russian, I guess. Yeah. That's the new one. The new one, of course, isn't white. I love it.

That's hilarious. Look. I mean, that's a white guy. That guy, no, he's not white. That guy's not white on the upper right. Yes, he is. No, he's not. I can see him.

He's white. Blippi is a Filipino. Blippi is Flippi. Is that racist? Blippi's Filipino? The new one sure looks like it. Yeah, he is. Yeah, okay. But yeah, dude.

He looks exactly like the other guy, though. Because of the outfit. No, because if it's... If they were fucking standing next to each other, you wouldn't be like, oh, this guy looks like it is yeah okay uh but yeah dude he looks exactly like the other guy though because of the outfit no because if they were fucking standing next to each other you wouldn't be like oh this guy looks like the same guy he's got the uniform sure sure okay yeah but that look at that's all the more reason that was right when he was shitting on the guy right there um so he shits on a guy yep and then he got fired on a guy as if the kids even knew about that video yeah i don't know if it was a guy yeah i think it was a guy. Yeah, I think it was a guy, actually. Why? I think it was more of a prank, not a sexual thing. Worst prank ever.

And, uh... Hi, guys! Oh, my God! Today, I'm gonna shoot at my naked friend! What? This is a friend! This is my anus!

Dab-a-dab-a-dab-a-dab-down! Blippi! So annoying, you know? That's less annoying than that video. Right. I mean, I believe that, for sure.

Is he laughing? Is he laughing? um so there's there's blippy and then there's coco melon which is the black hole sun video and that sounds more on my speed what i'm saying is there's stuff like peppa pig there's stuff like bluey there's stuff like i don't know any of the other ones but that is actually watchable and i get it it's not reservoir dogs you don't want to watch why don't you just show them good things like like movies you like they're not going to watch it why because it needs to be like there needs to be some sort of like boom dank bonk dank boom dank bonk dank hi kids to get their attention. Oh, no.

What are you going to show them? I mean, what are you talking about? Casino. You're just one of the Green Mile? Casino. Yeah, but then they grow up to be a fucking killer. Okay. You can't have kids watch all that stuff.

And this is her problem in the first place. Mama, can I put your head in a vice? Like, you can't have that. You know what I mean? Mama, can you beat me with a wrench, see what it feels like, and then bury me with a friend, with my friend? All right, so... Yeah, you got to watch better things. Blippi and Cocomelon, if you're watching that, wench see what it feels like and then bully me with a friend with my friend uh all right so

yeah you gotta you gotta watch better things blippy and cocomelon if you're watching that honestly i totally get how awful that is right but if you're watching stuff like bluey and peppa pig you can you can watch that for longer so try to maximize that kind of stuff that you're viewing and then when they're not with you you can't you know if they're just i mean i guess they're two and a half so it's not like they're at their friend's house watching you know yeah too young for that fucking scared straight but like you know you gotta you gotta you gotta monitor that and i i have you know if you have multiple rooms you know let them wander around and when they leave the room you turn on a little bit of fucking you know the good shit yeah a little bit of the good shit you know put on put on body code starring

eric uh roberts roberts almost said eric griffin and uh yeah uh so yeah i don't know uh yeah it's it's it's rough but you know this is part of being a mom i guess right it's nice that you're in love with me though well she's in love with her husband, and she's in love with me. She said she loves you and is in love with me. Oh, in love with you. Okay. She's like, okay, well. No, it's better to be, she likes me more.

Okay, that's fine. She's like lusting after me. No, no, no. In love is not lusting. In love is like you're lusting and also like romantically. She's lusting after me. Intimately interested with you. She's like, oh, I love you. She's like, we love our pets. No, no, no, no, no. We love our pets. She's lusting after me. Intimately interested with you. She's like, oh, I love you.

Like we love our pets. No, no, no, no, no. We love our pets. She lusts after me, dude. If she saw me with the hat on, she'd be like, oh my God, nevermind. Oh my God, yeah. Turn around and run away. No, no, no, no, no.

She'd be like, well, I lust after you. No, she's in love with me. Lust is like my shit. She's in love with me. All right, do we have another one? All right, cool. Hey guys. Obviously you can hear your podcast

being played right now but my question is both of you if you're anything like me and my twin brother um does he have the same birthmarks you guys have the bond where i don't want to say like where one gets hurt and the other one can feel it because that's kind of corny but like where you kind of have the feeling that something may be wrong with your brother or vice versa

and also I'm curious as to Matt D'Elia's drug use I don't think that you do drugs dude I just know Chris is sober and I have no idea about you it's weird that he's would be asking about drugs um well look first of all i like that guy's look i'm clowning him but that's fucking kind of cool man you look cool yeah i mean it doesn't that star is i can't imagine getting a fuck for me it's a bit much but yeah you're into that yeah yeah i do

like that you look cool um so jealous yeah it's all good. I mean, I could do it if I want to, but I don't know if, I don't know. I don't believe in that whole fucking, you know, touch me and see if my brother feels it. No, I think he means like when we're not even together. Well, we've actually sometimes

call each other and like, hey, I heard there was a thing over in your area. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's never, we're always, so that's-

It's off. If we have it, it's way off.'t have the the the brother dar at all i've heard twins have a thing where like it actually is sensory like you feel the pain that they feel it just sounds like absolute horseshit to me but if you're in the same here's the thing here's what does happen you're in the same you're in the vicinity you're in the same room, and you're so genetically similar because you're brothers that there's a thing that happens where you can mirror your sibling because you're so close, you know them so well. You're very similar to them, your makeup, that you can very easily intuit what they're feeling. feeling and i think the process that you're describing is is just like a a more like actual or rather what i'm describing is more actual and literal description of what he's talking about like he's sensing that something's wrong because he knows his brother so well yeah and that's

probably what's happening you're intuiting because you're so similar and you have so much experience with that person it's almost like you're reading them without trying to. Yeah. Like I can tell, like you can probably tell that like I've been a little bit off my game and like I've been like kind of sad lately and I can tell right now that you're like, whoa, fucking I am absolutely the lesser attractive brother, right?

No, I'm like, wow, life has been pimping. That woman is lusting after me. This man is curious about me and my drug use. I used to drink. I don't drug use. I used to drink. I don't drink anymore. I used to drink a lot. I don't drink anymore. Worst story.

I do. I am known to dabble in the- Heroin arena. Green plant. I mean, just say it. Known as- So cagey. Kn known in some quarters as

I didn't inhale Jay-Z why was my Bill Clinton in Jay-Z it's because they're similar I didn't inhale I smoke weed yeah I don't do anything

sometimes you know prescription shit i take a trip to fucking zany island but i've never snorted anything never injected anything oh yeah obviously sometimes when you're three thousand when i'm on planes i am known to take pills as well oops oops but it was a mistake well it wasn't a mistake it wasn't a mistake well it was dumb i mean three people inside you no yes Maybe It was a mistake It just I was panicking So I took too many

Yeah But Okay Do we have another one or no? Nah You want to do another one? No we don't have to do another one We'll do another one

We'll do another one? Okay Yeah do one more Okay okay Oh I'm so happy this guy So British You think so? No

Hey Chris and Matt Matt and Chris even. It's Joe from Leeds in England here. Hope you can understand my accent okay. I'm just getting in touch just for I've got a bit of a neighbor issue, and I'm hoping you can provide some life advice or at least some humorous insight. So basically my neighbor a few doors down,

she's had chickens in the garden for quite a while, which I can live with that so pretty she's now decided to introduce a rooster into the equation and i said rooster likes to make fucking noise at all hours of the day it can be 4 a.m fucking 2 p.m i'm drinking my morning coffee all i can hear is this rooster crowing man i've had to get out of bed at 4 a.m. and close my window because it's making me up in the middle of the night. It's just doing my fucking head in, man. Obviously, I don't want to confront the woman

because I'm English and we don't like confrontation. And also, she's obviously got some sort of chemical imbalance going on. She thinks it's acceptable to have a rooster crowing all hours of the day. So, not the kind of woman who's bad side i want to get on but so yeah if you've got any advice or anything humorous to say about the situation i'd much appreciate it cheers man you introduce a rooster is she introduced a rooster you introduce a bear yeah all right we've been all first of all hope how good is it i'm good like i'm nice with it when i yeah i mean that was good yeah i mean i knew it was great i gotta give it up that was good he's so british though well yeah he is and that's why it's good what you

did but when i saw his face i was like oh you know why because i thought maybe he's trying to hide his teeth right because you know british i'm not saying he had bad teeth but i'm saying is that really what did it no oh okay bro it's just my intuition into it yeah to it like he's your brother you know i mean i don't know what to do he's got a rooster it's like it's your mantle and it's like just like fucking have on at like 4 a.m it's like i think that uh first of all get really good earplugs they exist do they dude yeah i get the ones that are like you know there's the ones that you can jam in there but there's the ones that you roll into a really small thing yeah and then you put them deep in there

and then they expand. Yeah. I don't think my ears are good. They're shaped weird. They don't fill it up. Yeah, because they pop out. Oh, really? Yeah, they pop out.

They pop out. And so do, I can't wear the Apple ones. Oh, they fall out? I bought like seven pairs. I'm done. I'm done with that shit. Give them to me. I wear, they're gone.

Oh, toss them. I wear the things now. And every time I fucking post a story that shit. Give them to me. I wear... They're gone. No, toss them. I wear the things now. And every time I fucking post a story, people are like, bro, you can't afford the other ones? Oh, that's so annoying. I bought seven of them. You're talking about the AirPods. The ones that are free.

Yeah. Not free. I don't like those. I like the wire anyway. Those don't fall out. Yeah, right. I get it. Because the wire hangs it down and hooks them on my ears.

Got it, got it, got it. These ones, whatever. They're floating. Maybe you could weight them down, put little anchors on them um earrings yeah but i think try that try earplugs they might not work because you might have weird ears like him but they work for me uh the ones you got to get the foam ones though that you put deep in and they expand and get into the crevasses uh and then uh i think that also get an animal yeah that get a dragon is that is makes prey of roosters yeah a dragon no no like it's it's insane to get a rooster in a in a populated area

get an animal like a fox or some shit get an animal a dog it's something that'll kill a rooster fuck it dude yeah nobody you're not allowed to do that it's not okay no it's not yeah there should be a fucking honestly there should be a whole brigade of police roosters that come by and like you're like you're in the wrong area you're in the wrong area rooster you got to get to an open field keep it moving yeah get a police rooster that's what i think yeah well that's not gonna happen though i think you should get a rooster a predator put it in a police little police outfit and put it out there with a billy club on it. You might want to get a fuse

so it's intimidated. Just taped on. Yeah. Yeah. All right, cool. All right. Well, that's it, dude. Thanks for that Lifeline.

So far, yeah. We have a good time on Lifeline. You can go to get tickets at chrysalia.com. Like I said, I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina. I'll be in Denver.

I got Albany coming up. Oxnard, California. Just a bunch of different dates. So go to chrisalea.com for tickets. And hit that link for the CBD thing. 10% off. Code Lifeline. It's under the show description. And that's it. LifelineMerch.com for the good Lifeline

merch. And mattdalia.com for your deep, dark, or just really private advice that you don't want to air out on the actual show. Talk to me about it one-on-one. Private for you. We're doing it big. Love you, most of you.